May 2, 2023 • 32 mins
Michelle is back just to check in with you! In this episode, she discusses the difference between living and existing. She wants you to thrive! Michelle also gets into the ways your views on trust might impact your quality of life. CHECK IN to this episode if you’re ready stop existing and start living!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Checking In with Michelle Williams, a production of
iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. Listen if you think you
(00:20):
just need, you know, a little wisdom, some encouragement, this
is the episode for you to listen to. We're gonna
talk about all things trust, the difference between living and
just existing. I just felt the need to encourage some
of the listeners out there. Y'all have been rocking with
(00:42):
me now for three years, and I said every episode,
I don't take your listening, and you're downloading the episodes
for granted add at all. Maybe tug on a friend
and tell them, hey, this episode is for you. All right, y'all,
we are really in the month of May. It really
(01:03):
is the fifth month of twenty twenty three, y'all. This
month is moving, This year is moving, and I hope
you're moving with it. I began to think about the
difference between living and existing and just trying to gauge
the areas that I've just been existing in and areas
(01:25):
that I think I'm thriving in, thriving and living because
life is going to always present a set of challenges,
and my desire is for divine strategy and divine wisdom
on how to navigate the obstacles and challenges that come
my way, not only divine wisdom and strategies on how
(01:49):
to overcome those obstacles. It's like, okay, also, Lord place
divine help around me. But that is going to require trust,
which I think I've said before, I haven't had an assistant. Ooh,
I haven't had a real assistant in over ten years
(02:13):
because of my lack of trust. And I've got to
get over that. I've got to give people an opportunity
not to prove themselves, because I wouldn't want anyone to
work for me and think they have to perform for
my trust. Now what do I mean perform? Well, let
me do this to make sure that she no, no, no,
no no. I want you to be you. And I've
(02:33):
been reading this book. It's a brand new book by
doctor Henry Cloud called Trust. So y'all know doctor Henry
Cloud is one of my favorite author of Safe People
and Boundaries. He's got a few different versions of boundaries.
He's got boundaries and dating boundary, I mean just so many.
(02:54):
He's the bomb, amazing great psychologists, but he talks to
you in a practical way. He's from Louisiana. So he's
got a definite down to earth approach. And the subtitle
of his book Trust is called knowing when to give it,
when to withhold it, how to earn it, and how
to fix it when it gets broken. So I'm going
to dive into some of those excerpts later. But I
(03:16):
was trying to just figure out areas that I'm thriving
in and then areas where, man, have I just gotten
so numb in certain areas, And so I just felt
led to encourage some folks out there who are kind
of walking through life a little numb, because that's how
you've chosen to protect yourself. You know, like when you
(03:36):
go to the doctor and they have to give you
a shot, or you're getting some dental work done and
you gotta get a shot so they'll numb the area,
and it's kind of like for your protection, so that
you don't feel the pain. I will never forget a
couple of years ago, I had a dream that I
was being rolled into a surgical room and I was
getting surgery or they were gonna cut a leg or something,
(04:01):
but they did not want to give me anesthesia, and
I remember I kept screaming I don't want to feel
the pain. I don't want to feel the pain. I
don't want to feel the pain. Like bro, give me medicine,
give me anesthesia. Numb the area. So, yes, numbing the
area that's painful before you put a needle lined or
(04:24):
do surgery or whatever. Yeah, that's good. It is a
form of protection so that we're not terrorized by pain later,
so that we're not terrorized to go to the doctor,
you know, for surgery or to get you know, a
shot or medicine, and you got to get an IV.
I get it, I get it. But there are some
(04:44):
times where you're gonna actually have to feel the pain
in order to heal the pain. I cannot heal something
that I don't feel. You cannot walk around numb your
entire life, because to me, when you're walking around numb,
that means there's some areas of healing. And I think
we lessen the quality of life when we walk around
(05:06):
just so numb and we just want to be so disassociated.
And actually disassociation is actually a trauma response. It's what
is happening to you as you are being abused or
in an unsafe environment. You literally mentally disassociate yourself. It's
(05:27):
like out of body. I don't want to see it.
I don't want to hear it. I don't want to
feel it. I remember back in twenty eighteen, I had
a moment of disassociation, and I don't remember the phone
calls made to me. I don't remember anything that I
even did in that period of time. So you can chuckst.
(05:47):
It could be disassociation, or it could even be a
psychotic break like you're so traumatized you just now. This
is different to me blacking out to do harm to
somebody else. I'm talking about what happens when something has
been done to you, or you've gotten some news that
(06:08):
you just couldn't handle. Have you ever seen a loveding
or maybe yourself when you got news that someone passed
away and it was unexpected and you pass out, You
black out, You don't remember anything, right. But then there's
sometimes where we are aware of the moment, but for
(06:31):
the future, we just do things in our life where
we're like, you know, I don't want to feel the pain.
It's because you don't want to feel the pain. You
won't go over Grandma's house anymore because y'all are so close,
and when she passed away, you just can't. You don't
want to feel the pain. You don't want to. You
don't want to smell fried chicken no more because it
(06:51):
reminds you of your best friend, because y'all used to
smoke weed and eat chicken wings when you had the munchies,
and now they're no longer here, or you're even someone
who's actually maybe y'all broke up and you just want
to disassociate yourself from the memories, or you want to
disassociate yourself from the pain that they caused you. I
(07:13):
get it, but we got to heal that pain so
we can be able to feel the wind on our cheeks,
the sun beat on our face. You want to be
able to feel the love that someone else is trying
to give you, but because you're so blocked off, you
can't feel love. And I know you ain't given love.
(07:36):
So I just wanted to speak into that, you know,
and sometimes in order to feel the pain to heal it,
I would encourage you to unpack that pain with someone,
a professional or someone that you deem safe. Well, what
do you mean, Michelle, So if you want to unpack
your pain with someone and process your pain with a friend.
(07:58):
Some steps are asked that friend and be like, hey,
I want to process something with you, something that's just
been weighing me down. But before I unload on you emotionally,
are you in a place to help me right now? Now?
You're a safe person, And if that person is a
(08:19):
safe person, you are giving them the choice to say,
of course, let's talk. Or that person might say, Hey,
let me put my kids to bed right quick, let
me feed the dogs, let me make sure my partner
has eaten, and I'm gonna call you back in an hour.
Or that person might say I want to give y'all
(08:40):
permission to even tell that person like, man, I'm in
a place right now that I can listen, but I
just want to let you know I'm in a place
right now where you might not want to hear my
advice on a situation because I'm going through it too.
So I'm just giving you variations of how to ask
(09:01):
somebody and and what a safe person's response can be.
An unsafe person will be like, man, I hope we
ain't finna talk about so and so because I told
you not to date them in the first place. See
if you didn't date them. You wouldn't be heartbroken if
man I told you not to move back to so
and so. That's unsafe a safe person. I've already given
(09:24):
you a couple variations of how a safe person will
respond if you decide you want to unpack the pain
or unpacked the pain with a professional counselor. But I
really want you to get that weight off of you.
I feel like the pain you carry is weight. It's
kind of like imagine if you're trying to walk on
(09:46):
a beautiful beach and you got buckets in your hand
because you're supposed to be collecting sand, but it's nothing
but stones, and each stone represents pain you're carrying. Each
stone represents betrayal, disappointment, regret, and it seems like it's
light to carry at first, but the longer you keep walking,
(10:11):
it gets heavier. So I want you to be able
to walk through life and unburden yourselves. I want you
to lighten your load. To my friends that are listening,
who listen every week, I want to call your name individually,
(10:33):
but baby girl, unload that pain. That pain is not
your identity. It is not who you are. The pain
that someone inflicted on you is not who you are.
The disappointment you feel, that's not your identity. You have
nothing to do with that. But you are responsible for
(10:54):
your healing. You cannot put your healing in the hands
of the person that hurt you in the first place.
Nine times out of ten they have moved on with
their life. They probably don't even know that you hurt.
They hurt you because they're so toxic, they're so used
to living in dysfunction that they think it's normal. No, no, no, no, no,
(11:17):
it is not normal. Just because you survive dysfunction, don't
mean it's normal, all right. Surviving abuse, being abused is
not normal, verbally, physically, in any kind of way. It's
not cool, all right. So that will get you to
(11:37):
a place of living and not just existing because you
chose to numb yourself because of all the pain that
you're in. And maybe maybe you're not the person in pain.
Maybe you're in relationship with someone who is and it's
affecting the quality of your relationships. And I'm not just
talking about romantic relationships, just people you friends with some
(12:00):
how do you cool it? They always come into the
house down, They always negative that they're in pain. Help them,
Maybe initiate the conversation and be like, friend, it's been
about four years. I don't know whether it's been a
year four years and we keep talking about the same thing,
or I knowice like you just seem so irritable, and
(12:24):
irritability is often mistake for anger when it's really depression,
all right. So that person could just be depressed because
they haven't had an outlet or a safe place to
share you know what they've been going through, you know
what I mean. My pastor said something on Sunday, he
said some people want attention, not intervention. So you gonna
(12:47):
have those people in your life as well, but make
sure it's not you, all right, And make sure that
when a person is talking to you, you have permission
to say I hear what you're saying, and thank you
so much for sharing. Are you just wanting me to listen?
Or do you want my advice? Or can I help
(13:07):
you with a solution, especially if you have a track
record of great solutions, Especially if you have a great
track record like I'm gonna take advice from somebody who
got a life that I want to live. Well, I
guess you can also listen to people who live a
life you don't want to live because of bad choices
that they made. You can look at them and be like, Okay,
(13:27):
you a blueprint and you out of life that I
don't want to live, but it's a possibility. Like I
feel like I have the authority to speak on areas
of healing depression, anxiety. I feel like I've walked through enough.
I feel like I've overcome enough. I feel like I believe.
(13:49):
I hope I've been a good witness to y'all about
being resilient, getting that bounced back, you know, from situations
that were meant to kill me, humiliate me, embarrass me,
or make me just want to give up on life.
Through the grace of God and y'all's prayers and support, oooh,
(14:11):
I'm here. I'm here, and there are so many other
people who've got a great track record of living this
life that you can talk to. And so I really
pray that, and I hope y'all allow me to say
the word pray. My prayer is that you get surrounded
with safe people and people you can trust. So, speaking
(14:36):
of trust, I have been reading this book called Trust
by doctor Henry Cloud. Again. The subtitle is knowing when
to give it, when to withhold it, how to earn it,
and how to fix it when it gets broken. Y'all,
we gotta trust. Have you ever heard people that say,
(15:00):
I don't trust nobody, but you get on an airplane.
You don't know the pilot, you don't know the flight attendance,
but you on that plane. I don't trust nobody, but
you get your food delivered. I don't trust nobody, but
(15:20):
you drive a car hoping that everybody obeys the traffic
signals and stop signs. Child, you ain't got that one person,
so ask them if you don't trust nobody. You took
the subway to work today, did you trust the conductor
and that the train would not derail based on the
(15:44):
people that are to ensure that the train stays on
the rail. So you trust somebody, all right? Ain't that funny?
So there are some things in the book where he
says we can become better and better at knowing who
is trustworthy and who is not, and we can get
better at deciding when and with whom we will put
(16:07):
ourselves at risk. Loving someone is a risk. Being in
relationship with some is a risk. Chow some of your
coworkers is a risk. But it is a risk that
majority of the time you will find that it was
a risk worth taking. There's a part in this book
(16:30):
that says, possibly everyone reading this book, including me, has
been victimized by a betrayal small or large that still stings.
We all have our stories of misplaced trust. We either
missed warning signs and moved forward when we shouldn't have,
(16:51):
or worse, the warning signs were not visible, y'all. I
definitely moved forward on something when I shouldn't have. Before,
I moved forward on doing a reality show when something
in the pit of my stomach said do not do it,
and we did it anyway, And I think we both
(17:12):
did it because we were like, no, this is just
the first time of doing something like this. We're just afraid. No. No,
God was trying to protect. He was trying to protect
so much in that season of my life, but I
did not heed to that warning, missing warning signs. This
(17:34):
book says everything about the situation looked good on the surface,
and maybe it was, but we got burned. Anyway, when
we look back, we say to ourselves, I just didn't
see that coming, or how could they have done that
to me? We were such good friends or lovers or partners.
How could they have treated me that way? And sometimes
(17:54):
it is not even an actual betrayal, but someone's honest
inability to do what we need. We don't have good answers,
but we do have scars. I promise you that you
will never be betrayed or let down again after reading
this book. Okay. One of the goals of the book
(18:16):
is to equip you to know how to read between
the lines of what someone tells you, tries to sell you,
or promises you, and to be able to see what
is trustworthy and what is not. Listen, I got to
have him on the podcast. But this blessed me so
much and blessed me so much, especially when you are
(18:39):
in a situation where you're like, Okay, I don't trust,
but I want to trust. This book even says that
trust muscles can be repaired. Isn't that encouraging because maybe
you were the person that inflicted pain, right, and so
you are working to establish trust in a relationship again,
(19:04):
And so I was encouraged. You know when he said
in the book that trust muscles can be repaired. You
gotta heal first, get past the anger and need for
revenge and forgive, ponder and determine its reconciliation possible, and
then a new track record being built. So while you're
(19:25):
building those trust muscles, somebody should be able to look
back and say, ma'am, you really hurt me or you
really disappointed me, but your track record these past six
months or this past year has helped me rebuild my
trust in you. Listen, you ain't perfect. I'm not perfect.
I'm gonna I'm gonna need someone to trust me again.
(19:46):
And I have been in that place where I needed
someone to trust me again. And I love I love love, love,
love love love. The five essentials of trust, he says
that you can trust someone when you feel your needs
or understood, felt and cared about. So that's understanding. The
(20:08):
second essential love trust is motive, when he says you
can trust someone when you feel their motive is for you,
not just for themselves. I have been in situations where
I've been asked to do something and I be like, now,
how this's gonna work out for me? What's in it
for me? Now? There are moments where you do do
things for people because you're like, God's been so good
(20:30):
to me. I don't need nothing out of this, I'm
gonna show up, I'm there, let's go. But then there
are some people you're like, they kind of got an
opportuneist spirit on them, right, So you can trust someone
when you feel that even when they ask of you
to do something, you still feel like their motive is
(20:51):
for you and not just for themselves. A thirty central
love trust is ability. You can trust someone when you
feel they have the ability or capacity to guard and
deliver results for what you have and trusted to them. Okay,
some of y'all are in partnership with a friend loved one,
y'all are opening up a business. Uh, y'all decided, Hey,
(21:14):
we gonna do a food truck, or we gonna have
a dance group, or we're gonna design clothes together. And
they keep missing deadlines, your trust is eventually waning or
they barely meet the deadline, and you're like, I don't
trust that you're gonna deliver. I don't trust that you
can do this work. So another essential of trust is
(21:36):
the ability. Do they have the ability to deliver results
for what you've been trusted them to do. Maybe you
have a company and you've hired someone and they keep
dropping the ball The amazing thing about this book is
just not trust as it relates to romantic partners or family.
It's also for leaders. It's also for business owners. It's
(21:57):
you know, you're like, yo, I got employees, and do
what I keep dropping the ball. I'm starting to lose
trust in them. Baby, Listen, they gotta know honey, you
lose and trust in them and they finna lose what
they say You about to lose your job. Uh. The
fourth e center of trust is character. You can trust
(22:17):
someone who has the character or personal makeup needed for
what you and trust them with Trusting someone who has
the character. Ooh. Character is so important because it's not
it's not what you do really on stage, it's how
(22:40):
are you off the stage? It's not what you do
in front of everybody? What are you like behind closed doors? Hey? Oh,
I know for me, that's something you gotta work on
every day because I don't want to be the person
where it's like the world adores me, but my kids
(23:01):
one day or my husband one day is lit. But
she was a witch at home? You know what I mean? Like, no, no, no,
you will all of that to match. No, it's all
gotta make sense. Character people the fifth essentials of trust
is you can trust someone who has a track record
of performing in the ways you need them to perform.
(23:23):
Track record, all right, you can trust someone who has
the track record of just showing up when people say
they're gonna do something. They're there, you're getting ready to move,
and someone says, okay, i' a beat, I may help
you pack it all up, and I'm gonna let you
use my truck, and we and then they don't show up,
(23:44):
they don't call, and they've done this like twice on you.
Mm hmmm. Y'all. It blessed me so much. And the
five essentials of trust again, those five essentials are under standing, motive, ability, character,
and track record. But y'all, it made me ask two
(24:07):
questions of myself. It made me ask who is in
my life that has these five essentials? Who is in
your life that has those five essentials? And then the
other question I had was do I carry these essentials
in me? Can people say that I have those five
(24:30):
essentials of trust? I've been big on talking about setting boundaries, right,
but like, how many people have maybe had to set
a boundary with me, Lisa, I'm setting boundaries. I don't
trust nobody. Well do people trust you? Do you carry
(24:51):
those five trust essentials? Can people say your motive is pure?
Can people say that you show up up? Can people
say you know what so and so is a hot mess?
But they are consistent, they got my back. I'm so grateful.
(25:15):
I know I got at least one hand of people
that I can name right now that are consistent. We
might not talk every day every week, but they are
consistent in showing up. They are consistent in how they
move towards me and with me. I'm thankful, I'm super thankful.
(25:41):
But I always got to make sure that that level
of trust and how I need people to show up
for me. I gotta make sure that I show up
for them and don't just show up when it's convenient.
Isn't it something where you're like, you know, I got
a call off work, but I'm gonna be there for
you in your time need. I'm gonna take a vacation
(26:02):
day and I'm gonna be there. Somebody might lost their parents,
lost a loved one, or lost a job and they're
going through depression. Can you show up for somebody? Can
you instacart them some some groceries, child I'll never forget
during COVID if folks that I knew were sick, I'd
be like, well, at least let me send you some
(26:23):
ginger rell because I ain't coming to your house. But
let me send you this good old chicken soup and
some turmeric and ginger probiotic. You know them little drinks
that you can just shoot them and just swallow them
in like two seconds. Yeah, that's me. That's me. I'm
gonna send you some groceries in a minute, now, that's me.
(26:45):
But as you get older, you really value and cherish
relationships more than ever before. I really value and cherish
the relationships that I have, and I certainly certain lead
value you. I really do. I certainly value the relationships
(27:06):
that I have with you guys, and truly truly thankful.
So let me know. When it comes to trust, it's
not a game. It says to trust is human. When
we can't trust, we lose a lot of the human experience.
(27:28):
He's a psychologist, so he was saying how you might
have heard of mirror neurons. They are another example of
how we are wired for trust. In the most basic terms,
neurons function as communicators in the body they receive and
transmit information and stimuli. I mean he's going really, really,
(27:48):
really really into it, he says. The brain of the
person we are talking to forms a connection with us
and mirrors our feelings and expressions in a deep, natural bond.
That call is the two of us to connect even
more deeply. Love, growth, faith, physical health, economic success, and more.
(28:09):
These all run on trust, and without trust, things stagnate
or even die. When we realize that trust is not optional,
that all of human life is designed and wired to
only work when we trust, we begin to treat trust
with the utmost respect. Listen, trust, It sounds like to me,
(28:35):
trust is a gift and we just got to know
when to give it, when to withhold it. Trust is
a gift, how to earn it, and how to fix
it when it gets broken. If someone you love has
broken their trust with you, but you want to trust
them again, or you want them to make sure that
(28:58):
they're building that track record of trust, I would say
get this book. Trust Doctor Henry Cloud is a trusted voice.
And so I want to say this before I go.
I want to apologize to you if you feel like
no one has apologized to you for the area that
you were disappointed in a betrayal of trust. I want
(29:20):
to apologize to you, and I want to encourage you
to start working on the healing journey on your own.
Because some of us are upset about apologies. We will
never get all right, So I want you to thrive.
I want you to live. I don't want you to
just walk around here numb and just existing like a zombie.
(29:44):
Matter of fact, listen to JJ Harriston's song. It's called
You're Gonna Live because you're gonna live to see it happen.
You're gonna live to see you trusting again. You're gonna
live to see you loving again. You're gonna see you
thriving again, all right, and you're gonna see you picking
up that area where you had big dreams and you
(30:06):
just set it down because you don't trust. No, that's
not gonna be your portion. Because by the end of
this year, I pray to get one testimony from this
episode that you've decided to live and trust. I truly,
truly hope and pray that this episode touched your heart.
(30:30):
Maybe is helping you and causing you to think of
things in another way as it relates to trust, who
to trust, when to trust, should you trust ever again,
And that you begin to live life. If you are
one of the ones who have just been kind of
walking through life, existing and just kind of numb to everything,
because that's how you've chosen to protect yourself. Always know
(30:53):
that I love you. You are so loved. If you
need any resources, please don't hesitate to DM me on Instagram.
My instagram is at Michelle Williams. All Right. I love
y'all so so much, and thank you for tuning in
to another episode of Checking In. Checking In with Michelle
(31:47):
Williams is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect.
For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Welcome to Checking In with Michelle Williams, a production of
iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. Listen if you think you
(00:20):
just need, you know, a little wisdom, some encouragement, this
is the episode for you to listen to. We're gonna
talk about all things trust, the difference between living and
just existing. I just felt the need to encourage some
of the listeners out there. Y'all have been rocking with
(00:42):
me now for three years, and I said every episode,
I don't take your listening, and you're downloading the episodes
for granted add at all. Maybe tug on a friend
and tell them, hey, this episode is for you. All right, y'all,
we are really in the month of May. It really
(01:03):
is the fifth month of twenty twenty three, y'all. This
month is moving, This year is moving, and I hope
you're moving with it. I began to think about the
difference between living and existing and just trying to gauge
the areas that I've just been existing in and areas
(01:25):
that I think I'm thriving in, thriving and living because
life is going to always present a set of challenges,
and my desire is for divine strategy and divine wisdom
on how to navigate the obstacles and challenges that come
my way, not only divine wisdom and strategies on how
(01:49):
to overcome those obstacles. It's like, okay, also, Lord place
divine help around me. But that is going to require trust,
which I think I've said before, I haven't had an assistant. Ooh,
I haven't had a real assistant in over ten years
(02:13):
because of my lack of trust. And I've got to
get over that. I've got to give people an opportunity
not to prove themselves, because I wouldn't want anyone to
work for me and think they have to perform for
my trust. Now what do I mean perform? Well, let
me do this to make sure that she no, no, no,
no no. I want you to be you. And I've
(02:33):
been reading this book. It's a brand new book by
doctor Henry Cloud called Trust. So y'all know doctor Henry
Cloud is one of my favorite author of Safe People
and Boundaries. He's got a few different versions of boundaries.
He's got boundaries and dating boundary, I mean just so many.
(02:54):
He's the bomb, amazing great psychologists, but he talks to
you in a practical way. He's from Louisiana. So he's
got a definite down to earth approach. And the subtitle
of his book Trust is called knowing when to give it,
when to withhold it, how to earn it, and how
to fix it when it gets broken. So I'm going
to dive into some of those excerpts later. But I
(03:16):
was trying to just figure out areas that I'm thriving
in and then areas where, man, have I just gotten
so numb in certain areas, And so I just felt
led to encourage some folks out there who are kind
of walking through life a little numb, because that's how
you've chosen to protect yourself. You know, like when you
(03:36):
go to the doctor and they have to give you
a shot, or you're getting some dental work done and
you gotta get a shot so they'll numb the area,
and it's kind of like for your protection, so that
you don't feel the pain. I will never forget a
couple of years ago, I had a dream that I
was being rolled into a surgical room and I was
getting surgery or they were gonna cut a leg or something,
(04:01):
but they did not want to give me anesthesia, and
I remember I kept screaming I don't want to feel
the pain. I don't want to feel the pain. I
don't want to feel the pain. Like bro, give me medicine,
give me anesthesia. Numb the area. So, yes, numbing the
area that's painful before you put a needle lined or
(04:24):
do surgery or whatever. Yeah, that's good. It is a
form of protection so that we're not terrorized by pain later,
so that we're not terrorized to go to the doctor,
you know, for surgery or to get you know, a
shot or medicine, and you got to get an IV.
I get it, I get it. But there are some
(04:44):
times where you're gonna actually have to feel the pain
in order to heal the pain. I cannot heal something
that I don't feel. You cannot walk around numb your
entire life, because to me, when you're walking around numb,
that means there's some areas of healing. And I think
we lessen the quality of life when we walk around
(05:06):
just so numb and we just want to be so disassociated.
And actually disassociation is actually a trauma response. It's what
is happening to you as you are being abused or
in an unsafe environment. You literally mentally disassociate yourself. It's
(05:27):
like out of body. I don't want to see it.
I don't want to hear it. I don't want to
feel it. I remember back in twenty eighteen, I had
a moment of disassociation, and I don't remember the phone
calls made to me. I don't remember anything that I
even did in that period of time. So you can chuckst.
(05:47):
It could be disassociation, or it could even be a
psychotic break like you're so traumatized you just now. This
is different to me blacking out to do harm to
somebody else. I'm talking about what happens when something has
been done to you, or you've gotten some news that
(06:08):
you just couldn't handle. Have you ever seen a loveding
or maybe yourself when you got news that someone passed
away and it was unexpected and you pass out, You
black out, You don't remember anything, right. But then there's
sometimes where we are aware of the moment, but for
(06:31):
the future, we just do things in our life where
we're like, you know, I don't want to feel the pain.
It's because you don't want to feel the pain. You
won't go over Grandma's house anymore because y'all are so close,
and when she passed away, you just can't. You don't
want to feel the pain. You don't want to. You
don't want to smell fried chicken no more because it
(06:51):
reminds you of your best friend, because y'all used to
smoke weed and eat chicken wings when you had the munchies,
and now they're no longer here, or you're even someone
who's actually maybe y'all broke up and you just want
to disassociate yourself from the memories, or you want to
disassociate yourself from the pain that they caused you. I
(07:13):
get it, but we got to heal that pain so
we can be able to feel the wind on our cheeks,
the sun beat on our face. You want to be
able to feel the love that someone else is trying
to give you, but because you're so blocked off, you
can't feel love. And I know you ain't given love.
(07:36):
So I just wanted to speak into that, you know,
and sometimes in order to feel the pain to heal it,
I would encourage you to unpack that pain with someone,
a professional or someone that you deem safe. Well, what
do you mean, Michelle, So if you want to unpack
your pain with someone and process your pain with a friend.
(07:58):
Some steps are asked that friend and be like, hey,
I want to process something with you, something that's just
been weighing me down. But before I unload on you emotionally,
are you in a place to help me right now? Now?
You're a safe person, And if that person is a
(08:19):
safe person, you are giving them the choice to say,
of course, let's talk. Or that person might say, Hey,
let me put my kids to bed right quick, let
me feed the dogs, let me make sure my partner
has eaten, and I'm gonna call you back in an hour.
Or that person might say I want to give y'all
(08:40):
permission to even tell that person like, man, I'm in
a place right now that I can listen, but I
just want to let you know I'm in a place
right now where you might not want to hear my
advice on a situation because I'm going through it too.
So I'm just giving you variations of how to ask
(09:01):
somebody and and what a safe person's response can be.
An unsafe person will be like, man, I hope we
ain't finna talk about so and so because I told
you not to date them in the first place. See
if you didn't date them. You wouldn't be heartbroken if
man I told you not to move back to so
and so. That's unsafe a safe person. I've already given
(09:24):
you a couple variations of how a safe person will
respond if you decide you want to unpack the pain
or unpacked the pain with a professional counselor. But I
really want you to get that weight off of you.
I feel like the pain you carry is weight. It's
kind of like imagine if you're trying to walk on
(09:46):
a beautiful beach and you got buckets in your hand
because you're supposed to be collecting sand, but it's nothing
but stones, and each stone represents pain you're carrying. Each
stone represents betrayal, disappointment, regret, and it seems like it's
light to carry at first, but the longer you keep walking,
(10:11):
it gets heavier. So I want you to be able
to walk through life and unburden yourselves. I want you
to lighten your load. To my friends that are listening,
who listen every week, I want to call your name individually,
(10:33):
but baby girl, unload that pain. That pain is not
your identity. It is not who you are. The pain
that someone inflicted on you is not who you are.
The disappointment you feel, that's not your identity. You have
nothing to do with that. But you are responsible for
(10:54):
your healing. You cannot put your healing in the hands
of the person that hurt you in the first place.
Nine times out of ten they have moved on with
their life. They probably don't even know that you hurt.
They hurt you because they're so toxic, they're so used
to living in dysfunction that they think it's normal. No, no, no, no, no,
(11:17):
it is not normal. Just because you survive dysfunction, don't
mean it's normal, all right. Surviving abuse, being abused is
not normal, verbally, physically, in any kind of way. It's
not cool, all right. So that will get you to
(11:37):
a place of living and not just existing because you
chose to numb yourself because of all the pain that
you're in. And maybe maybe you're not the person in pain.
Maybe you're in relationship with someone who is and it's
affecting the quality of your relationships. And I'm not just
talking about romantic relationships, just people you friends with some
(12:00):
how do you cool it? They always come into the
house down, They always negative that they're in pain. Help them,
Maybe initiate the conversation and be like, friend, it's been
about four years. I don't know whether it's been a
year four years and we keep talking about the same thing,
or I knowice like you just seem so irritable, and
(12:24):
irritability is often mistake for anger when it's really depression,
all right. So that person could just be depressed because
they haven't had an outlet or a safe place to
share you know what they've been going through, you know
what I mean. My pastor said something on Sunday, he
said some people want attention, not intervention. So you gonna
(12:47):
have those people in your life as well, but make
sure it's not you, all right, And make sure that
when a person is talking to you, you have permission
to say I hear what you're saying, and thank you
so much for sharing. Are you just wanting me to listen?
Or do you want my advice? Or can I help
(13:07):
you with a solution, especially if you have a track
record of great solutions, Especially if you have a great
track record like I'm gonna take advice from somebody who
got a life that I want to live. Well, I
guess you can also listen to people who live a
life you don't want to live because of bad choices
that they made. You can look at them and be like, Okay,
(13:27):
you a blueprint and you out of life that I
don't want to live, but it's a possibility. Like I
feel like I have the authority to speak on areas
of healing depression, anxiety. I feel like I've walked through enough.
I feel like I've overcome enough. I feel like I believe.
(13:49):
I hope I've been a good witness to y'all about
being resilient, getting that bounced back, you know, from situations
that were meant to kill me, humiliate me, embarrass me,
or make me just want to give up on life.
Through the grace of God and y'all's prayers and support, oooh,
(14:11):
I'm here. I'm here, and there are so many other
people who've got a great track record of living this
life that you can talk to. And so I really
pray that, and I hope y'all allow me to say
the word pray. My prayer is that you get surrounded
with safe people and people you can trust. So, speaking
(14:36):
of trust, I have been reading this book called Trust
by doctor Henry Cloud. Again. The subtitle is knowing when
to give it, when to withhold it, how to earn it,
and how to fix it when it gets broken. Y'all,
we gotta trust. Have you ever heard people that say,
(15:00):
I don't trust nobody, but you get on an airplane.
You don't know the pilot, you don't know the flight attendance,
but you on that plane. I don't trust nobody, but
you get your food delivered. I don't trust nobody, but
(15:20):
you drive a car hoping that everybody obeys the traffic
signals and stop signs. Child, you ain't got that one person,
so ask them if you don't trust nobody. You took
the subway to work today, did you trust the conductor
and that the train would not derail based on the
(15:44):
people that are to ensure that the train stays on
the rail. So you trust somebody, all right? Ain't that funny?
So there are some things in the book where he
says we can become better and better at knowing who
is trustworthy and who is not, and we can get
better at deciding when and with whom we will put
(16:07):
ourselves at risk. Loving someone is a risk. Being in
relationship with some is a risk. Chow some of your
coworkers is a risk. But it is a risk that
majority of the time you will find that it was
a risk worth taking. There's a part in this book
(16:30):
that says, possibly everyone reading this book, including me, has
been victimized by a betrayal small or large that still stings.
We all have our stories of misplaced trust. We either
missed warning signs and moved forward when we shouldn't have,
(16:51):
or worse, the warning signs were not visible, y'all. I
definitely moved forward on something when I shouldn't have. Before,
I moved forward on doing a reality show when something
in the pit of my stomach said do not do it,
and we did it anyway, And I think we both
(17:12):
did it because we were like, no, this is just
the first time of doing something like this. We're just afraid. No. No,
God was trying to protect. He was trying to protect
so much in that season of my life, but I
did not heed to that warning, missing warning signs. This
(17:34):
book says everything about the situation looked good on the surface,
and maybe it was, but we got burned. Anyway, when
we look back, we say to ourselves, I just didn't
see that coming, or how could they have done that
to me? We were such good friends or lovers or partners.
How could they have treated me that way? And sometimes
(17:54):
it is not even an actual betrayal, but someone's honest
inability to do what we need. We don't have good answers,
but we do have scars. I promise you that you
will never be betrayed or let down again after reading
this book. Okay. One of the goals of the book
(18:16):
is to equip you to know how to read between
the lines of what someone tells you, tries to sell you,
or promises you, and to be able to see what
is trustworthy and what is not. Listen, I got to
have him on the podcast. But this blessed me so
much and blessed me so much, especially when you are
(18:39):
in a situation where you're like, Okay, I don't trust,
but I want to trust. This book even says that
trust muscles can be repaired. Isn't that encouraging because maybe
you were the person that inflicted pain, right, and so
you are working to establish trust in a relationship again,
(19:04):
And so I was encouraged. You know when he said
in the book that trust muscles can be repaired. You
gotta heal first, get past the anger and need for
revenge and forgive, ponder and determine its reconciliation possible, and
then a new track record being built. So while you're
(19:25):
building those trust muscles, somebody should be able to look
back and say, ma'am, you really hurt me or you
really disappointed me, but your track record these past six
months or this past year has helped me rebuild my
trust in you. Listen, you ain't perfect. I'm not perfect.
I'm gonna I'm gonna need someone to trust me again.
(19:46):
And I have been in that place where I needed
someone to trust me again. And I love I love love, love,
love love love. The five essentials of trust, he says
that you can trust someone when you feel your needs
or understood, felt and cared about. So that's understanding. The
(20:08):
second essential love trust is motive, when he says you
can trust someone when you feel their motive is for you,
not just for themselves. I have been in situations where
I've been asked to do something and I be like, now,
how this's gonna work out for me? What's in it
for me? Now? There are moments where you do do
things for people because you're like, God's been so good
(20:30):
to me. I don't need nothing out of this, I'm
gonna show up, I'm there, let's go. But then there
are some people you're like, they kind of got an
opportuneist spirit on them, right, So you can trust someone
when you feel that even when they ask of you
to do something, you still feel like their motive is
(20:51):
for you and not just for themselves. A thirty central
love trust is ability. You can trust someone when you
feel they have the ability or capacity to guard and
deliver results for what you have and trusted to them. Okay,
some of y'all are in partnership with a friend loved one,
y'all are opening up a business. Uh, y'all decided, Hey,
(21:14):
we gonna do a food truck, or we gonna have
a dance group, or we're gonna design clothes together. And
they keep missing deadlines, your trust is eventually waning or
they barely meet the deadline, and you're like, I don't
trust that you're gonna deliver. I don't trust that you
can do this work. So another essential of trust is
(21:36):
the ability. Do they have the ability to deliver results
for what you've been trusted them to do. Maybe you
have a company and you've hired someone and they keep
dropping the ball The amazing thing about this book is
just not trust as it relates to romantic partners or family.
It's also for leaders. It's also for business owners. It's
(21:57):
you know, you're like, yo, I got employees, and do
what I keep dropping the ball. I'm starting to lose
trust in them. Baby, Listen, they gotta know honey, you
lose and trust in them and they finna lose what
they say You about to lose your job. Uh. The
fourth e center of trust is character. You can trust
(22:17):
someone who has the character or personal makeup needed for
what you and trust them with Trusting someone who has
the character. Ooh. Character is so important because it's not
it's not what you do really on stage, it's how
(22:40):
are you off the stage? It's not what you do
in front of everybody? What are you like behind closed doors? Hey? Oh,
I know for me, that's something you gotta work on
every day because I don't want to be the person
where it's like the world adores me, but my kids
(23:01):
one day or my husband one day is lit. But
she was a witch at home? You know what I mean? Like, no, no, no,
you will all of that to match. No, it's all
gotta make sense. Character people the fifth essentials of trust
is you can trust someone who has a track record
of performing in the ways you need them to perform.
(23:23):
Track record, all right, you can trust someone who has
the track record of just showing up when people say
they're gonna do something. They're there, you're getting ready to move,
and someone says, okay, i' a beat, I may help
you pack it all up, and I'm gonna let you
use my truck, and we and then they don't show up,
(23:44):
they don't call, and they've done this like twice on you.
Mm hmmm. Y'all. It blessed me so much. And the
five essentials of trust again, those five essentials are under standing, motive, ability, character,
and track record. But y'all, it made me ask two
(24:07):
questions of myself. It made me ask who is in
my life that has these five essentials? Who is in
your life that has those five essentials? And then the
other question I had was do I carry these essentials
in me? Can people say that I have those five
(24:30):
essentials of trust? I've been big on talking about setting boundaries, right,
but like, how many people have maybe had to set
a boundary with me, Lisa, I'm setting boundaries. I don't
trust nobody. Well do people trust you? Do you carry
(24:51):
those five trust essentials? Can people say your motive is pure?
Can people say that you show up up? Can people
say you know what so and so is a hot mess?
But they are consistent, they got my back. I'm so grateful.
(25:15):
I know I got at least one hand of people
that I can name right now that are consistent. We
might not talk every day every week, but they are
consistent in showing up. They are consistent in how they
move towards me and with me. I'm thankful, I'm super thankful.
(25:41):
But I always got to make sure that that level
of trust and how I need people to show up
for me. I gotta make sure that I show up
for them and don't just show up when it's convenient.
Isn't it something where you're like, you know, I got
a call off work, but I'm gonna be there for
you in your time need. I'm gonna take a vacation
(26:02):
day and I'm gonna be there. Somebody might lost their parents,
lost a loved one, or lost a job and they're
going through depression. Can you show up for somebody? Can
you instacart them some some groceries, child I'll never forget
during COVID if folks that I knew were sick, I'd
be like, well, at least let me send you some
(26:23):
ginger rell because I ain't coming to your house. But
let me send you this good old chicken soup and
some turmeric and ginger probiotic. You know them little drinks
that you can just shoot them and just swallow them
in like two seconds. Yeah, that's me. That's me. I'm
gonna send you some groceries in a minute, now, that's me.
(26:45):
But as you get older, you really value and cherish
relationships more than ever before. I really value and cherish
the relationships that I have, and I certainly certain lead
value you. I really do. I certainly value the relationships
(27:06):
that I have with you guys, and truly truly thankful.
So let me know. When it comes to trust, it's
not a game. It says to trust is human. When
we can't trust, we lose a lot of the human experience.
(27:28):
He's a psychologist, so he was saying how you might
have heard of mirror neurons. They are another example of
how we are wired for trust. In the most basic terms,
neurons function as communicators in the body they receive and
transmit information and stimuli. I mean he's going really, really,
(27:48):
really really into it, he says. The brain of the
person we are talking to forms a connection with us
and mirrors our feelings and expressions in a deep, natural bond.
That call is the two of us to connect even
more deeply. Love, growth, faith, physical health, economic success, and more.
(28:09):
These all run on trust, and without trust, things stagnate
or even die. When we realize that trust is not optional,
that all of human life is designed and wired to
only work when we trust, we begin to treat trust
with the utmost respect. Listen, trust, It sounds like to me,
(28:35):
trust is a gift and we just got to know
when to give it, when to withhold it. Trust is
a gift, how to earn it, and how to fix
it when it gets broken. If someone you love has
broken their trust with you, but you want to trust
them again, or you want them to make sure that
(28:58):
they're building that track record of trust, I would say
get this book. Trust Doctor Henry Cloud is a trusted voice.
And so I want to say this before I go.
I want to apologize to you if you feel like
no one has apologized to you for the area that
you were disappointed in a betrayal of trust. I want
(29:20):
to apologize to you, and I want to encourage you
to start working on the healing journey on your own.
Because some of us are upset about apologies. We will
never get all right, So I want you to thrive.
I want you to live. I don't want you to
just walk around here numb and just existing like a zombie.
(29:44):
Matter of fact, listen to JJ Harriston's song. It's called
You're Gonna Live because you're gonna live to see it happen.
You're gonna live to see you trusting again. You're gonna
live to see you loving again. You're gonna see you
thriving again, all right, and you're gonna see you picking
up that area where you had big dreams and you
(30:06):
just set it down because you don't trust. No, that's
not gonna be your portion. Because by the end of
this year, I pray to get one testimony from this
episode that you've decided to live and trust. I truly,
truly hope and pray that this episode touched your heart.
(30:30):
Maybe is helping you and causing you to think of
things in another way as it relates to trust, who
to trust, when to trust, should you trust ever again,
And that you begin to live life. If you are
one of the ones who have just been kind of
walking through life, existing and just kind of numb to everything,
because that's how you've chosen to protect yourself. Always know
(30:53):
that I love you. You are so loved. If you
need any resources, please don't hesitate to DM me on Instagram.
My instagram is at Michelle Williams. All Right. I love
y'all so so much, and thank you for tuning in
to another episode of Checking In. Checking In with Michelle
(31:47):
Williams is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect.
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