November 23, 2022 • 31 mins
Omari takes us on a tour through a day in the life at Omari Accurate News, pulling back the curtain on his creative process and introducing us to some of his staff, including his very stressed-out lawyer. The day takes a turn when Omari gets some bad news. (Featuring David Danipour)
ABOUT RAPHAEL CHESTANG:
You can see host Raphael Vargas Chestang live, hosting the standup comedy show "DEFinitely Comedy Jam" at UCB, or on Netflix in "The G Word with Adam Conover" streaming now. Make sure to follow him on Instagram @rchestang and Twitter @ChestangRaphael. Check out this month "DEFinitely Comedy Jam" on TUES 11/29 and purchase tickets here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/definitely-comedy-jam-tickets-444774441327?aff=ALLEVENTS
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Okay, yeah, all right, now, everybody in this meeting, I
need your listen up. We need to fatten up our
bottom line. I need a fat bottom. Every time you
think of a headline, you need to think, is that
gonna make my bottom fat? Because I don't feel my
bottom getting fat? Okay, all right, because the bottom line
(00:22):
is the bottom line. So let's fatten the funk out
of that bottom. We got fatting, sure, we got trapping
up to the the bottom toe. So motherfucking factor gotta getting
fucking fat, fucking fun. I need that bottom fattest. Fuck
I need it. Yeah, yeah, he needs a fat ass.
Look at his ass, man, it's ass flat as hell.
(00:44):
That ass, No, not ass bottom. You get it because
it's you know, bottom isn't bottom. You're fat bottom, mans,
that's where the fat at. Don't eat. Worry about the
top ass. The nobody care about it. Ain't nobody ever
been fixated on the top ass. We only care about
(01:06):
the bottom. Y'all need to get that through your heads.
Everybody in this meeting don't know top ass, only bottoms.
Y'all are bringing me guards straight. Gosh, that's what it is, Okay,
(01:27):
it's god, I mean, what what is this. What is
this headline? Right here? What is it? I'm gonna scroll through,
just pick out a random look at this headline. This headline,
Bill Gates is thirty million dollar poop knife? What the
what the what even is that? What the poop? What
the fund? Is the poop knife? Uh? A poop knife? Yeah,
(01:48):
it's I can answer that. It's the knife you key
by the toilet because it routinely comes out so hard,
it being you know what you do in the You know,
it comes out so hard that you need a NiFe
to stick up there and break it up. Yeah. Yeah,
(02:10):
some people need that, Yeah, some some people. Some people
do albums man. Yeah, thank you, Samson, thank you so much. Yeah.
My point is we needs something like our best performing
headlines of all time. That's what we're trying to do.
(02:30):
We're trying to top what we already did. So how
to funk? You're gonna top this? Alright? Our best performing headline,
which read, did Christ already return? But Obama killed him?
Question mark this Grandma thinks. So you can't beat that.
You can't beat that. Come on, we gotta beat that.
We gotta beat that. But you're not gonna beat it
with this all right now. Do y'all wanna be great?
(02:54):
Or do you want to keep talking about pops? Huh?
Doctors omar accurate news reports? Jill Biden doesn't blight The
Christian schismologist from Amara Cranews claims a reason increase in
earthquakes is being directly caused by an increase of rock
(03:16):
and roll. Here was an eleven. In a new interview
with o'maracuant News, Dr Fauci refuses to take responsibility for
nine eleven. He says it's because he had nothing to
do with it. We'll let you decide. And Uh, today
Umar is showing us around his office. Uh we get
(03:41):
to see the entire uh newsroom where the headlines UM,
the famous heapelines that you all room accustomed to get created. Now. Um,
we're walking through the building now, but I would just
quickly uh describe for you. The outside looks something like
(04:05):
a fortress. Um. It is completely uh windowless, uh edifice um,
totally concrete. UM doesn't seem like a place that would
get terrific cell phone service. Uh Amari says that he
wanted a place that was fortress like because that keeps
(04:29):
the ideas from getting out. Um. Okay, and now we
are in the newsroom. UM. The first thing that strikes
you is that there are no desks. UH. Many people
uh working working away very diligently, but at no desks uh,
(04:51):
and no chairs only on being baggs. UM. People are
on their waptops of course, uh, typing away. And there
is a a water cooler um in the middle of
the room, placed conspicuously there. Um. Amari apparently believed that
(05:16):
this would help encourage conversation and the exchanging of ideas
through room. Through conversation, it uh evidently has done just
the opposite. UM. You can imagine every time you went
to get a drink of water, you had a full,
(05:36):
captivated audience. UM that might make your self contract, and
it seems to have done just that. There are many
water jugs, fully full, never opened, uh, lining circling around
the water cooler UH savings to indicate that no one
(05:58):
has gotten a drink for a long time. Many many,
many things. UH. There are nothing on the walls except
for motivational posters. I guess we could call them motivational UM.
They are written with phrases such as, UM, you can
(06:26):
do it, bitch, uh. But the cat hanging from a ledge. Um.
Another one that reads don't be you be better than
you um, which I can hone you so is meant
(06:48):
to saying that you can be a better version of yourself. Ah,
but knowing maring, that might not actually be the case.
It's out and here we are going through around in
corner and this looks like a corner office. It is
(07:13):
this year, this year office. I'm right, yeah, yeah, is
it right? All right? And we're going through too, very
heavy glass doors and they are oh wow, it's quiet
in here, little almost almost peaceful. Um. Now I noticed
on these walls there are different decorations. These are plaques
(07:38):
and are they Are these the all time best articles
that you have up on here? Yeah? Yeah, these are
the ones. These are the headlines that have broken the internet.
These are all all my babies. Man, I'm so proud,
all of my babies. Look at this. And you you
printed them because these are web articles, but you you
(08:01):
printed them out to hang up on on the wall.
Yeah yeah, that's right. Oh wow, Okay, Well this one
is one I've never read before. This headline says terrorists
attack World Trade Center dot dot dot before the Clintons
got a chance to do it. Uh so you've been
(08:21):
at this for a long time. Obviously you've been at
it for a while. Yeah. Man, no overnight success here,
no overnight success. We've been putting in that work, baby,
We've been putting in that work. That's why it's so good.
That's why everything we do is so good. You can't
just wake up and think about that like that's that's
(08:42):
some ship that you gotta really you gotta go through.
Just imagine the headlines that didn't make it okay. You
you read that, and just imagine the headlines that didn't
make it okay, because we had to go through a
lot of bad ones to get to the Dope Ship,
which is all we're doing right now is Dope ship open. Uh.
Here Amari goes to check something on his computer. Yo yo, yo, man,
(09:07):
what the fuck yo? What the fuck yo? The onion
just want to peabody, The onion just want to peabody.
Come on, man, ah that well, that could be good
for you, right, I mean it could make it uh
easier for you to to win one. So that's a uh,
that's a precedent. They won one before us. That's bad.
(09:31):
You don't get that's bad. Were always getting compared to them.
But we're not them. We better than them, man, We
better than them. Man. All they do is just silly jokes.
What we do is art. We make art for the people,
he said, standing under a photoshop picture of Kamala Harris
(09:52):
defecating on a bald eagle. Y know, we deserve the
next one. Man, this documentary has got to do numbers, man,
with where's my camera? Where's my say? Where's my camera?
I want to say that to the camera. There there
are no cameras. Man, it's gotta do numbers. Where's my camera?
There are no cameras. There are no cameras for a
documentary podcast. Yeah, I know, you keep saying it's a documentary,
(10:16):
So how to funk? How the fun? You're gonna film
the documentary without cameras? A podcast? You don't film podcast.
You're telling me there's no film in the cameras. I'm
telling you there are no cameras and no film. There's
no cameras because it's a this is an audience, you know.
I just talk straight ahead, Just just straight ahead, all right,
(10:37):
this has got to do numbers. What we're doing right now, everything,
so everybody be on it. I don't know where the
hidden camera is right now, you just said it was
pretty nebulous. Just stay in front of me. So I'm
just gonna turn around and talk uh into the abyss.
But this, everybody has got to be on top of it. Okay,
(11:01):
So you submit it for the peabodies already. Hell yeah,
we uh yeah, we uh wait, you gotta you gotta
submit though, we gotta we gotta submit. While Amari worked
on the submission process with his team, I sat down
with Amari News Corpse lawyer. First of all, thank you
(11:23):
so much for meeting with us. This is I know
that you are very busy. You have a lot on
your plates, so that means a lot. Yes, I'm very
very busy. You see all these papers here, Yeah there
their lawsuits? Wow, all of those Okay, well, uh can
(11:44):
you describe for me, uh your job just on on
a daily just you're the things that you're tasked with. Well,
I'm tasked with defending our company and making sure that
we do not can't sue for slander, and I have
to come up with a myriad of ways to defend
(12:08):
what is written. And frankly, I'm I'm running out of
I'm running out of ways. Now I'm I'm I'm curious
to know how did you get into this job? To
begin with? How did you get here? Do you know
what student loans are? Student loans they charge you for
(12:30):
going to school, lots of money that you can't pay.
You pay them back later, and so when you get out,
there are no jobs that you like, but you have
student loans, and so you have to pay the student loans,
and so you take whatever you can get. And so
that's that's that's how I got here. How how much
(12:50):
were your your student loans? Well one point three million,
but let me explain. Okay, yeah, you explaining. I then
know what I wanted to do. I thought I wanted
to be a doctor first, and a year into med school,
I realized, no, I I don't like helping people in
(13:14):
that way, and so that's some student loans right there.
I wanted to be a creative writer. I wanted to
you know, there was a time when I was a dancer,
So you know, I have a lot of creative and
and professional aspirations that never came to fruition. So that's
sort of The law school is actually very inexpensive. I
(13:38):
went to University of Phoenix, and it's very cheap. But
student loans is why I'm here under that is extremely
h relatable? Um, so relatable. No, it's not relatable. I've
talked to many people. No one has the student loans
that I have. I have a very unique situation. It's
(13:59):
not very relatable. Nobody can understand what I'm going through.
I'm sorry, No, no, no, no, no point point taking that.
That's you're right, I guess I just met the idea
of having to pay off a student loan. People could
understand that. Oh yes, yes, of course everyone everyone understands that. Yeah,
(14:19):
a lot of people. You're right, Yeah, you are in
a very unique situation. I am interested to know does
a Marii ever listen? Because I'm sure you can see
or smell a lawsuit coming if they put out a
crazy thing that is uh completely unfounded. And I'm sure
(14:41):
that you sometimes would like to get ahead of these things.
But does a MARII ever uh taken to consideration whenever
you ask maybe two couch something or curb something in
a different in a different way. No, no, he does not.
(15:02):
And and you've heard of the term let's run it
through legal Yes, yes, yes, so that means you run
it through me. And then I look at it preemptively
and I say, oh, you know, uh Bill, we can't
talk about Bill Clinton's butt crack like that. This is
not gonna work. And of course I am not listen to.
(15:25):
It gets out there and I get the slander lawsuits
and I gotta start thinking of different definitions, like, no,
we didn't actually mean his butt crack. I gotta I
gotta go on Urban Dictionary and type up new flangs. Oh,
butt crack actually means like, you know, uh, his his pockets.
It's like, it's like, that's what the young people are saying,
(15:47):
but they're not saying that. I'm going on Urban Dictionary
and I'm typing up new definitions to save our company.
Don't put that out there, don't put this on the documentary.
That's what I'm saying. Okay. I'm well, I can't know
promises because I am a ethnical journalist and I take
(16:08):
my job here seriously. But so some of those headlines
I would like to just run through to see what
you used to avoid um financial ruin for the company
in a devastating lawsuit, UM Joe Biden. One headline read
(16:31):
Joe Biden doesn't wipe? How did you? How are you
able to justify that he doesn't wipe his windshields, He
doesn't wipe the windshields of his car at the gas station.
He just that's that's a possibility of an interpretation. It
could be a lot of other things. But that's how
(16:53):
we got away with the headline, especially since the body
of the story, the story did not di did not
have wipe again, Yes, got it? Got it interesting? Okay,
So they left it. Uh, they left it open for
its pendication. It's pending. All of our lawsuits are pending.
(17:13):
All of our lawsuits are pending. I just keep filing
for extensions, and I just this thing might blow. I
don't know. You want to read another headline? Uh? This one?
This one reads h Dr Fauci. This is a long
This is actually a very long headline. I can't believe
(17:34):
that this actually made it within the character limit. Dr
Faucci refuses to take responsibility for nine eleven. He says
it's because he has nothing to do with it. We'll
let you decide, yes, and end of end of headline. Yes. Yes,
So so when we wrote he we're not referring to
(17:56):
Dr Faucci point, Okay, by that you've already changed something. God.
We're referring to God. He if you notice it's capitalized
he I know, and I don't. Yeah, in a headline,
everything is capitalized, but God is also capitalized, So so
he is not Dr Faucci. And so we never actually
(18:17):
really said that legally, legally is what I'm talking about. Ah, yes, okay,
And um, this last headline evidence building that Jonah Hill
puts his whole mouth on the water fountain. Probably we
didn't get sued for that one. I think I think
(18:39):
you made a mistake. That one actually happened. Jonah Hill
puts his whole mouth on the water film. There's there's
a photo of that. So so that one was a
lucky one. Yeah, you're okay, all right, Yeah I got okay, Yeah,
I just within the context of everything else that you'd writing, okay,
that that was on me. I should not have I
(19:01):
should not have assumed, okay. And for so another part
of your job is uh, you your website uh. And
websites uh they advertise many different products that promise many
different things. And UM, I also have questions about this
(19:24):
because I'm sure you have to get hit with things
like this as well being that they fall within your
legal purview. Um. One item we came across was the
this is advertised on one of your sites, uh, the
(19:44):
Tactical bath bomb. Uh. It says that it's a bath
that will give you the strength of ten armies. What
what what does it that even? What does that even mean?
It's a reinvigorating uh bathball? Um that Uh it makes
you feel strong after you come out of it. What
(20:05):
does it mean the strength of ten armies? Um? Ants?
Ants are known to be armies, and if you look
at the fine fine print, which is always there on
the package, it'll say not a human army, and so
(20:26):
it's a it's a it's an army of ants. So yes, yes,
legally legally, but of course the messages. The message is
that this bomb helps you feel great, right, and it
does because there's a little bit of uh actually, I'm
(20:46):
not allowed to tell you what it is, but it's
absence als Okay, Well that is effective. That always makes
me feel better. Um okay. Uh. This next product is
called the real red Pill. Ah. It is a pill
(21:12):
that it says that it's a pill that will being
John Malkovich, you into the mind of Kennle Reeves. Yes,
why do they do this? Why do they do this?
John Malkovich and Kana Reeves? Yeah? Yeah, what what's your question? Well,
(21:39):
what do you want to know? Um? I guess what
I'm asking is, how can you justify this, this claim
um that you will be by taking this pill put
in placed into the mind of cantle Reefs. Okay, well
we we define the mind of Kiana Reeves as being empty. Uh.
(22:03):
I love Kiana Reeves. I don't believe this personally, but legally.
This is what's on the little little pamphlet that has
folded over a hundred times. It says, minds Kiana Reeves
is an empty mind. And the red pill has an
active ingredient that cuts off a lot of neuron connections
(22:27):
and you get the feeling that you're not thinking. Okay,
so this is our legal way out of this, our
legal loophole, if you will. And then this this other product.
That's interesting that you would say that, because if that
cuts off neurons, this next product seems to enhance them
(22:47):
or multiply them. It's the product is just called n
z T, which is the drug from the movie Limitless.
That's supposed to give your mind, you know, limit less ability. Um,
we couldn't find what the ingredients were, but the warning
(23:09):
label says not to take it if you are allergic
to PCP. I mean you you you you really asking
me this. I'll tell you if you turn off the
if you turn off this little microphone here, I'll tell
you what's it. What's you'll You'll still be on the record.
It won't be recorded, but if you're talking to a reporter,
(23:31):
it will still be on the record, even if it's
not on even if it's not recorded. Well, then I'll
say that it does not contain PCP. That product does
not contain any traces of PCP. However, if you are
allergic to PCP, which is everyone, you shouldn't take it. Ah. Okay,
(23:55):
So so you're saying that, Um, if there's PCP in it,
I want move on from this. This is one I'm
not comfortable with. They already rejected us. Excuse me, sorry,
Uh already, Wow, man, they can't they can't do this
(24:19):
to us. Man, they're gonna do this. So Samson, Um,
thank you for doing this interview. What is your relationship
exactly to Mr Broadwater? Uh? Yeah, well, uh I'm his
(24:45):
right hand man, kind of like brutus. Oh so you're enemies. No,
don't you ever say that, you dumb motherfucker. They was boys,
Brutus and see they was boys. They were so close
that Caesar couldn't believe it when he stabbed his ass. Yeah.
(25:07):
But you work together. Yeah, and how how would you
describe that? Well, you know, we boys. So I picked
him up in the morning out the bed and carry
him to the bathroom. She can brush his teeth. Uh.
(25:29):
I don't brush his teeth for no more. He asked
me stop doing that. Uh. So when he when he
brushes tea, I just sit there and listen. He likes
to talk a lot, even even when he's brushing his tea.
You're tall, and I just listened to him. And because
we boys were boys like uh like like uh like
(25:53):
Kanye and Pete Davidson we boys. Uh, I don't think
now Kanye Pete there, I'm pretty sure they're not so
cool right now. Yeah. So then um, I lay out
his clothes form and go downstairs and make them some T.
We got the the n z T T the T
(26:16):
with n z T And he likes that a lie.
He's not allergic to it. Uh so then I've made
them some breakfast. You know, because we boys were boys
like uh like Ben Affleck and Diddy. Uh they're now
they're not They're kind of their relationship is definitely on
(26:38):
the rocks. Uh. Now you've you've mentioned a couple of times.
Uh no, we boys, we boys like uh like Eric
Bonnet and David Justice. Again, they're famously not friends. Um
(26:59):
so more than once you've mentioned relationships that started out
uh as friendly and then we're broken up, either through
jealousy or literally by one person taking the other person's
significant other. Did I did? Um? Did amory ever take
(27:23):
your your significant other? You're someone who you are romantically
involved with? Uh? Yeah? So but we boys so, um
you know, I just I you know, I'm like he's
Mr Bentley and uh I walk around and uh sometimes
(27:44):
I get an umbrella form uh so that he could
feel good, uh and shaded and cool in the sun
or dry in the rain. Uh right, well okay, um?
And then are there any other duties that you uh
do for your boss? Uh? He doesn't notice, but his
(28:08):
fans are um violent, So I am also the head
of his secret security is secret we call secret security
because secret to him, he don't know about it, but
we gotta keep him safe at all times because they
really pose a serious threat to him. And uh, you know,
(28:31):
I want to keep him safe because we boys were boys,
like like like Drake Bell and Josh Peck. Uh Nope,
they're definitely not boys. One of them is a criminal.
I'm fuzzy on what. I don't want to make this
claim that it's not true, but I think one of
(28:54):
them is a bad, bad, bad bad guy. Now, bad
bad guy. You're okay, I'm on the phone. I'm on
the phone with the with the Peabody people right now. Yeah, yeah, man, yeah,
so you need to put us in there. You gotta
put us in You have to because you know why,
(29:17):
because we have a bigger audience than everybody else. So
so how can you say how can you say that
it's not worthy of your little dinky award because you
know what, you know what your award, you know what
your award. It's not even really that great. We're doing
you a favor. We're gonna put the Peabodies on the map,
you know, So how come? All right, Okay, alright, it's
(29:39):
not okay, but how just tell me why how come?
What do you mean pick a different category? What is?
What we do is art? It's art, so we put
it in the art well else he's supposed to put art.
Well else, he's supposed to put art. But in the
art category, there's no else for art to go. Man,
(30:00):
it's ridiculous. You go, really, mother, Hey you get back?
Damn all right? Fine, fine funk man, Yo, goddamn it. Man,
they keep talking about some some categories and it is
the categorical evidence of whatever the funk they're saying. But ship, man,
(30:25):
what category they want to put us in? Though? Uh
might be the news? Yeah, I mean, what's saying it?
But you really think they'd accept us if we submitted
in the news category. They did, and here's a look
at what happens next time. Man, what I do is
(30:45):
harder than the news. The news could never be me never, Samson.
You know you're not just like yes man, right, you're
you're I'm not just yes man. I gotta speak to
the people directly that eat the ship. This is a
terrible idea and it's not gonna work. Are accurate News
is and always will be fake news.
Okay, yeah, all right, now, everybody in this meeting, I
need your listen up. We need to fatten up our
bottom line. I need a fat bottom. Every time you
think of a headline, you need to think, is that
gonna make my bottom fat? Because I don't feel my
bottom getting fat? Okay, all right, because the bottom line
(00:22):
is the bottom line. So let's fatten the funk out
of that bottom. We got fatting, sure, we got trapping
up to the the bottom toe. So motherfucking factor gotta getting
fucking fat, fucking fun. I need that bottom fattest. Fuck
I need it. Yeah, yeah, he needs a fat ass.
Look at his ass, man, it's ass flat as hell.
(00:44):
That ass, No, not ass bottom. You get it because
it's you know, bottom isn't bottom. You're fat bottom, mans,
that's where the fat at. Don't eat. Worry about the
top ass. The nobody care about it. Ain't nobody ever
been fixated on the top ass. We only care about
(01:06):
the bottom. Y'all need to get that through your heads.
Everybody in this meeting don't know top ass, only bottoms.
Y'all are bringing me guards straight. Gosh, that's what it is, Okay,
(01:27):
it's god, I mean, what what is this. What is
this headline? Right here? What is it? I'm gonna scroll through,
just pick out a random look at this headline. This headline,
Bill Gates is thirty million dollar poop knife? What the
what the what even is that? What the poop? What
the fund? Is the poop knife? Uh? A poop knife? Yeah,
(01:48):
it's I can answer that. It's the knife you key
by the toilet because it routinely comes out so hard,
it being you know what you do in the You know,
it comes out so hard that you need a NiFe
to stick up there and break it up. Yeah. Yeah,
(02:10):
some people need that, Yeah, some some people. Some people
do albums man. Yeah, thank you, Samson, thank you so much. Yeah.
My point is we needs something like our best performing
headlines of all time. That's what we're trying to do.
(02:30):
We're trying to top what we already did. So how
to funk? You're gonna top this? Alright? Our best performing headline,
which read, did Christ already return? But Obama killed him?
Question mark this Grandma thinks. So you can't beat that.
You can't beat that. Come on, we gotta beat that.
We gotta beat that. But you're not gonna beat it
with this all right now. Do y'all wanna be great?
(02:54):
Or do you want to keep talking about pops? Huh?
Doctors omar accurate news reports? Jill Biden doesn't blight The
Christian schismologist from Amara Cranews claims a reason increase in
earthquakes is being directly caused by an increase of rock
(03:16):
and roll. Here was an eleven. In a new interview
with o'maracuant News, Dr Fauci refuses to take responsibility for
nine eleven. He says it's because he had nothing to
do with it. We'll let you decide. And Uh, today
Umar is showing us around his office. Uh we get
(03:41):
to see the entire uh newsroom where the headlines UM,
the famous heapelines that you all room accustomed to get created. Now. Um,
we're walking through the building now, but I would just
quickly uh describe for you. The outside looks something like
(04:05):
a fortress. Um. It is completely uh windowless, uh edifice um,
totally concrete. UM doesn't seem like a place that would
get terrific cell phone service. Uh Amari says that he
wanted a place that was fortress like because that keeps
(04:29):
the ideas from getting out. Um. Okay, and now we
are in the newsroom. UM. The first thing that strikes
you is that there are no desks. UH. Many people
uh working working away very diligently, but at no desks uh,
(04:51):
and no chairs only on being baggs. UM. People are
on their waptops of course, uh, typing away. And there
is a a water cooler um in the middle of
the room, placed conspicuously there. Um. Amari apparently believed that
(05:16):
this would help encourage conversation and the exchanging of ideas
through room. Through conversation, it uh evidently has done just
the opposite. UM. You can imagine every time you went
to get a drink of water, you had a full,
(05:36):
captivated audience. UM that might make your self contract, and
it seems to have done just that. There are many
water jugs, fully full, never opened, uh, lining circling around
the water cooler UH savings to indicate that no one
(05:58):
has gotten a drink for a long time. Many many,
many things. UH. There are nothing on the walls except
for motivational posters. I guess we could call them motivational UM.
They are written with phrases such as, UM, you can
(06:26):
do it, bitch, uh. But the cat hanging from a ledge. Um.
Another one that reads don't be you be better than
you um, which I can hone you so is meant
(06:48):
to saying that you can be a better version of yourself. Ah,
but knowing maring, that might not actually be the case.
It's out and here we are going through around in
corner and this looks like a corner office. It is
(07:13):
this year, this year office. I'm right, yeah, yeah, is
it right? All right? And we're going through too, very
heavy glass doors and they are oh wow, it's quiet
in here, little almost almost peaceful. Um. Now I noticed
on these walls there are different decorations. These are plaques
(07:38):
and are they Are these the all time best articles
that you have up on here? Yeah? Yeah, these are
the ones. These are the headlines that have broken the internet.
These are all all my babies. Man, I'm so proud,
all of my babies. Look at this. And you you
printed them because these are web articles, but you you
(08:01):
printed them out to hang up on on the wall.
Yeah yeah, that's right. Oh wow, Okay, Well this one
is one I've never read before. This headline says terrorists
attack World Trade Center dot dot dot before the Clintons
got a chance to do it. Uh so you've been
(08:21):
at this for a long time. Obviously you've been at
it for a while. Yeah. Man, no overnight success here,
no overnight success. We've been putting in that work, baby,
We've been putting in that work. That's why it's so good.
That's why everything we do is so good. You can't
just wake up and think about that like that's that's
(08:42):
some ship that you gotta really you gotta go through.
Just imagine the headlines that didn't make it okay. You
you read that, and just imagine the headlines that didn't
make it okay, because we had to go through a
lot of bad ones to get to the Dope Ship,
which is all we're doing right now is Dope ship open. Uh.
Here Amari goes to check something on his computer. Yo yo, yo, man,
(09:07):
what the fuck yo? What the fuck yo? The onion
just want to peabody, The onion just want to peabody.
Come on, man, ah that well, that could be good
for you, right, I mean it could make it uh
easier for you to to win one. So that's a uh,
that's a precedent. They won one before us. That's bad.
(09:31):
You don't get that's bad. Were always getting compared to them.
But we're not them. We better than them, man, We
better than them. Man. All they do is just silly jokes.
What we do is art. We make art for the people,
he said, standing under a photoshop picture of Kamala Harris
(09:52):
defecating on a bald eagle. Y know, we deserve the
next one. Man, this documentary has got to do numbers, man,
with where's my camera? Where's my say? Where's my camera?
I want to say that to the camera. There there
are no cameras. Man, it's gotta do numbers. Where's my camera?
There are no cameras. There are no cameras for a
documentary podcast. Yeah, I know, you keep saying it's a documentary,
(10:16):
So how to funk? How the fun? You're gonna film
the documentary without cameras? A podcast? You don't film podcast.
You're telling me there's no film in the cameras. I'm
telling you there are no cameras and no film. There's
no cameras because it's a this is an audience, you know.
I just talk straight ahead, Just just straight ahead, all right,
(10:37):
this has got to do numbers. What we're doing right now, everything,
so everybody be on it. I don't know where the
hidden camera is right now, you just said it was
pretty nebulous. Just stay in front of me. So I'm
just gonna turn around and talk uh into the abyss.
But this, everybody has got to be on top of it. Okay,
(11:01):
So you submit it for the peabodies already. Hell yeah,
we uh yeah, we uh wait, you gotta you gotta
submit though, we gotta we gotta submit. While Amari worked
on the submission process with his team, I sat down
with Amari News Corpse lawyer. First of all, thank you
(11:23):
so much for meeting with us. This is I know
that you are very busy. You have a lot on
your plates, so that means a lot. Yes, I'm very
very busy. You see all these papers here, Yeah there
their lawsuits? Wow, all of those Okay, well, uh can
(11:44):
you describe for me, uh your job just on on
a daily just you're the things that you're tasked with. Well,
I'm tasked with defending our company and making sure that
we do not can't sue for slander, and I have
to come up with a myriad of ways to defend
(12:08):
what is written. And frankly, I'm I'm running out of
I'm running out of ways. Now I'm I'm I'm curious
to know how did you get into this job? To
begin with? How did you get here? Do you know
what student loans are? Student loans they charge you for
(12:30):
going to school, lots of money that you can't pay.
You pay them back later, and so when you get out,
there are no jobs that you like, but you have
student loans, and so you have to pay the student loans,
and so you take whatever you can get. And so
that's that's that's how I got here. How how much
(12:50):
were your your student loans? Well one point three million,
but let me explain. Okay, yeah, you explaining. I then
know what I wanted to do. I thought I wanted
to be a doctor first, and a year into med school,
I realized, no, I I don't like helping people in
(13:14):
that way, and so that's some student loans right there.
I wanted to be a creative writer. I wanted to
you know, there was a time when I was a dancer,
So you know, I have a lot of creative and
and professional aspirations that never came to fruition. So that's
sort of The law school is actually very inexpensive. I
(13:38):
went to University of Phoenix, and it's very cheap. But
student loans is why I'm here under that is extremely
h relatable? Um, so relatable. No, it's not relatable. I've
talked to many people. No one has the student loans
that I have. I have a very unique situation. It's
(13:59):
not very relatable. Nobody can understand what I'm going through.
I'm sorry, No, no, no, no, no point point taking that.
That's you're right, I guess I just met the idea
of having to pay off a student loan. People could
understand that. Oh yes, yes, of course everyone everyone understands that. Yeah,
(14:19):
a lot of people. You're right, Yeah, you are in
a very unique situation. I am interested to know does
a Marii ever listen? Because I'm sure you can see
or smell a lawsuit coming if they put out a
crazy thing that is uh completely unfounded. And I'm sure
(14:41):
that you sometimes would like to get ahead of these things.
But does a MARII ever uh taken to consideration whenever
you ask maybe two couch something or curb something in
a different in a different way. No, no, he does not.
(15:02):
And and you've heard of the term let's run it
through legal Yes, yes, yes, so that means you run
it through me. And then I look at it preemptively
and I say, oh, you know, uh Bill, we can't
talk about Bill Clinton's butt crack like that. This is
not gonna work. And of course I am not listen to.
(15:25):
It gets out there and I get the slander lawsuits
and I gotta start thinking of different definitions, like, no,
we didn't actually mean his butt crack. I gotta I
gotta go on Urban Dictionary and type up new flangs. Oh,
butt crack actually means like, you know, uh, his his pockets.
It's like, it's like, that's what the young people are saying,
(15:47):
but they're not saying that. I'm going on Urban Dictionary
and I'm typing up new definitions to save our company.
Don't put that out there, don't put this on the documentary.
That's what I'm saying. Okay. I'm well, I can't know
promises because I am a ethnical journalist and I take
(16:08):
my job here seriously. But so some of those headlines
I would like to just run through to see what
you used to avoid um financial ruin for the company
in a devastating lawsuit, UM Joe Biden. One headline read
(16:31):
Joe Biden doesn't wipe? How did you? How are you
able to justify that he doesn't wipe his windshields, He
doesn't wipe the windshields of his car at the gas station.
He just that's that's a possibility of an interpretation. It
could be a lot of other things. But that's how
(16:53):
we got away with the headline, especially since the body
of the story, the story did not di did not
have wipe again, Yes, got it? Got it interesting? Okay,
So they left it. Uh, they left it open for
its pendication. It's pending. All of our lawsuits are pending.
(17:13):
All of our lawsuits are pending. I just keep filing
for extensions, and I just this thing might blow. I
don't know. You want to read another headline? Uh? This one?
This one reads h Dr Fauci. This is a long
This is actually a very long headline. I can't believe
(17:34):
that this actually made it within the character limit. Dr
Faucci refuses to take responsibility for nine eleven. He says
it's because he has nothing to do with it. We'll
let you decide, yes, and end of end of headline. Yes. Yes,
So so when we wrote he we're not referring to
(17:56):
Dr Faucci point, Okay, by that you've already changed something. God.
We're referring to God. He if you notice it's capitalized
he I know, and I don't. Yeah, in a headline,
everything is capitalized, but God is also capitalized, So so
he is not Dr Faucci. And so we never actually
(18:17):
really said that legally, legally is what I'm talking about. Ah, yes, okay,
And um, this last headline evidence building that Jonah Hill
puts his whole mouth on the water fountain. Probably we
didn't get sued for that one. I think I think
(18:39):
you made a mistake. That one actually happened. Jonah Hill
puts his whole mouth on the water film. There's there's
a photo of that. So so that one was a
lucky one. Yeah, you're okay, all right, Yeah I got okay, Yeah,
I just within the context of everything else that you'd writing, okay,
that that was on me. I should not have I
(19:01):
should not have assumed, okay. And for so another part
of your job is uh, you your website uh. And
websites uh they advertise many different products that promise many
different things. And UM, I also have questions about this
(19:24):
because I'm sure you have to get hit with things
like this as well being that they fall within your
legal purview. Um. One item we came across was the
this is advertised on one of your sites, uh, the
(19:44):
Tactical bath bomb. Uh. It says that it's a bath
that will give you the strength of ten armies. What
what what does it that even? What does that even mean?
It's a reinvigorating uh bathball? Um that Uh it makes
you feel strong after you come out of it. What
(20:05):
does it mean the strength of ten armies? Um? Ants?
Ants are known to be armies, and if you look
at the fine fine print, which is always there on
the package, it'll say not a human army, and so
(20:26):
it's a it's a it's an army of ants. So yes, yes,
legally legally, but of course the messages. The message is
that this bomb helps you feel great, right, and it
does because there's a little bit of uh actually, I'm
(20:46):
not allowed to tell you what it is, but it's
absence als Okay, Well that is effective. That always makes
me feel better. Um okay. Uh. This next product is
called the real red Pill. Ah. It is a pill
(21:12):
that it says that it's a pill that will being
John Malkovich, you into the mind of Kennle Reeves. Yes,
why do they do this? Why do they do this?
John Malkovich and Kana Reeves? Yeah? Yeah, what what's your question? Well,
(21:39):
what do you want to know? Um? I guess what
I'm asking is, how can you justify this, this claim
um that you will be by taking this pill put
in placed into the mind of cantle Reefs. Okay, well
we we define the mind of Kiana Reeves as being empty. Uh.
(22:03):
I love Kiana Reeves. I don't believe this personally, but legally.
This is what's on the little little pamphlet that has
folded over a hundred times. It says, minds Kiana Reeves
is an empty mind. And the red pill has an
active ingredient that cuts off a lot of neuron connections
(22:27):
and you get the feeling that you're not thinking. Okay,
so this is our legal way out of this, our
legal loophole, if you will. And then this this other product.
That's interesting that you would say that, because if that
cuts off neurons, this next product seems to enhance them
(22:47):
or multiply them. It's the product is just called n
z T, which is the drug from the movie Limitless.
That's supposed to give your mind, you know, limit less ability. Um,
we couldn't find what the ingredients were, but the warning
(23:09):
label says not to take it if you are allergic
to PCP. I mean you you you you really asking
me this. I'll tell you if you turn off the
if you turn off this little microphone here, I'll tell
you what's it. What's you'll You'll still be on the record.
It won't be recorded, but if you're talking to a reporter,
(23:31):
it will still be on the record, even if it's
not on even if it's not recorded. Well, then I'll
say that it does not contain PCP. That product does
not contain any traces of PCP. However, if you are
allergic to PCP, which is everyone, you shouldn't take it. Ah. Okay,
(23:55):
So so you're saying that, Um, if there's PCP in it,
I want move on from this. This is one I'm
not comfortable with. They already rejected us. Excuse me, sorry,
Uh already, Wow, man, they can't they can't do this
(24:19):
to us. Man, they're gonna do this. So Samson, Um,
thank you for doing this interview. What is your relationship
exactly to Mr Broadwater? Uh? Yeah, well, uh I'm his
(24:45):
right hand man, kind of like brutus. Oh so you're enemies. No,
don't you ever say that, you dumb motherfucker. They was boys,
Brutus and see they was boys. They were so close
that Caesar couldn't believe it when he stabbed his ass. Yeah.
(25:07):
But you work together. Yeah, and how how would you
describe that? Well, you know, we boys. So I picked
him up in the morning out the bed and carry
him to the bathroom. She can brush his teeth. Uh.
(25:29):
I don't brush his teeth for no more. He asked
me stop doing that. Uh. So when he when he
brushes tea, I just sit there and listen. He likes
to talk a lot, even even when he's brushing his tea.
You're tall, and I just listened to him. And because
we boys were boys like uh like like uh like
(25:53):
Kanye and Pete Davidson we boys. Uh, I don't think
now Kanye Pete there, I'm pretty sure they're not so
cool right now. Yeah. So then um, I lay out
his clothes form and go downstairs and make them some T.
We got the the n z T T the T
(26:16):
with n z T And he likes that a lie.
He's not allergic to it. Uh so then I've made
them some breakfast. You know, because we boys were boys
like uh like Ben Affleck and Diddy. Uh they're now
they're not They're kind of their relationship is definitely on
(26:38):
the rocks. Uh. Now you've you've mentioned a couple of times.
Uh no, we boys, we boys like uh like Eric
Bonnet and David Justice. Again, they're famously not friends. Um
(26:59):
so more than once you've mentioned relationships that started out
uh as friendly and then we're broken up, either through
jealousy or literally by one person taking the other person's
significant other. Did I did? Um? Did amory ever take
(27:23):
your your significant other? You're someone who you are romantically
involved with? Uh? Yeah? So but we boys so, um
you know, I just I you know, I'm like he's
Mr Bentley and uh I walk around and uh sometimes
(27:44):
I get an umbrella form uh so that he could
feel good, uh and shaded and cool in the sun
or dry in the rain. Uh right, well okay, um?
And then are there any other duties that you uh
do for your boss? Uh? He doesn't notice, but his
(28:08):
fans are um violent, So I am also the head
of his secret security is secret we call secret security
because secret to him, he don't know about it, but
we gotta keep him safe at all times because they
really pose a serious threat to him. And uh, you know,
(28:31):
I want to keep him safe because we boys were boys,
like like like Drake Bell and Josh Peck. Uh Nope,
they're definitely not boys. One of them is a criminal.
I'm fuzzy on what. I don't want to make this
claim that it's not true, but I think one of
(28:54):
them is a bad, bad, bad bad guy. Now, bad
bad guy. You're okay, I'm on the phone. I'm on
the phone with the with the Peabody people right now. Yeah, yeah, man, yeah,
so you need to put us in there. You gotta
put us in You have to because you know why,
(29:17):
because we have a bigger audience than everybody else. So
so how can you say how can you say that
it's not worthy of your little dinky award because you
know what, you know what your award, you know what
your award. It's not even really that great. We're doing
you a favor. We're gonna put the Peabodies on the map,
you know, So how come? All right, Okay, alright, it's
(29:39):
not okay, but how just tell me why how come?
What do you mean pick a different category? What is?
What we do is art? It's art, so we put
it in the art well else he's supposed to put art.
Well else, he's supposed to put art. But in the
art category, there's no else for art to go. Man,
(30:00):
it's ridiculous. You go, really, mother, Hey you get back?
Damn all right? Fine, fine funk man, Yo, goddamn it. Man,
they keep talking about some some categories and it is
the categorical evidence of whatever the funk they're saying. But ship, man,
(30:25):
what category they want to put us in? Though? Uh
might be the news? Yeah, I mean, what's saying it?
But you really think they'd accept us if we submitted
in the news category. They did, and here's a look
at what happens next time. Man, what I do is
(30:45):
harder than the news. The news could never be me never, Samson.
You know you're not just like yes man, right, you're
you're I'm not just yes man. I gotta speak to
the people directly that eat the ship. This is a
terrible idea and it's not gonna work. Are accurate News
is and always will be fake news.
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