September 12, 2023 • 42 mins
SEASON 2 EPISODE 32: COUNTDOWN WITH KEITH OLBERMANN
A-Block (1:44) SPECIAL COMMENT: Joe Biden really really really really really really really really really really should take Trump up on his Acuity Test Challenge. Trump alluded to it four times again yesterday - his belief he can PROVE he is the mentally competent one and Biden is the opposite.
And Biden should jump on it with both feet.
I know it sounds nuts and I know it sounds undignified and I know it sounds unpresidential and on the other hand this is America 2023 – right now we are the world’s leading distributor OF nuts and OF undignified and OF unpresidential. Ian Millhiser of Vox summed it up last night: coverage of Biden’s age, Biden’s acuity, is quote “starting to take on the same character as the 2016 But Her Emails coverage – find something that is genuinely suboptimal about the Democratic candidate, and dwell on it endlessly to ‘balance’ coverage of the criminal in charge of the GOP” unquote and he’s exactly right. The American Political Media Industrial Complex will bothsides this country to death – it all but succeeded in 2016 and again in 2020. After years of promoting idiots into key editorial decisions, after years of reaching the point where balanced news consists of the following: here is a pound of truth, here is a pound of bullshit.
So if Biden responding to Trump’s psychotic post “I hereby challenge Rupert Murdoch and sons, Biden, WSJ heads, to acuity tests! We can also throw some physical activity into it” lessens the chances of all of us, you know, winding up dead because our teeming millions of fellow Americans whose stupidity is too vast to be described by mere human language can’t tell the difference between an undulating mass of blubber and madness, and a nearly 51-year veteran of service to this nation in its Senate, its Vice Presidency and its presidency, whose worst critics and most virulent haters still insist is actually simultaneously an enfeebled skeleton and the indefatigable mastermind of an international conspiracy and actually runs this country AND Ukraine and will personally remove every gas stove and dishwasher in America with his bare hands – if Biden saying to Trump “acuity test? Feats of strength? Let’s go, Fat Boy” can actually change that narrative – he HAS to do it.
Donald Trump IS bluff. His life is bluff. His alleged net worth is bluff. His patriotism is bluff. His intelligence is bluff. His marriage is bluff. His ability to remember his kids names is bluff. His business success is bluff. His hair is bluff. Once – just once – JUST ONCE someone needs to step down off the stage of dignified reluctance and CALL TRUMP’S BLUFF, slap him across the face, and keep slapping him until the crowd of support that forms around all bullies, backs away and looks for a different one.
And now, for once, and ONLY for once, Joe Biden should imitate Trump. Employ the jujitsu. Do not ignore the punch. Do not evade the punch. GRAB the fist and pull it towards you. And even if what follows does not FINISH Trump on the American stage – and I honestly believe it could – it WILL re-set this essential narrative of competence and acuity and age and insanity.
B-Block (23:46) POSTSCRIPTS TO THE NEWS: Another day, another one of my ex-bosses in trouble. It was Walter Isaacson, briefly and unhappily the president of CNN at the turn of the century, who wrote the book about Elon Musk that revealed Musk had been meddling in American foreign policy, on behalf of the Russians, against the Ukrainians. And now suddenly, what Isaacson wrote Musk did has been changed in The Washington Post - to make Musk look a little less guilty of violating The Logan Act. Which flashes me back to the day Isaacson, then president of CNN, called me in and asked me if CNN should have a comedy-oriented news hour and instead of asking if I'd like to try it, asked me if I thought Jon Stewart would.
C-Block (44:35) GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. Joe
Biden really really really really really really really really should
(00:30):
take Trump up on this acuity test challenge. Really really
really Joe Biden Trump posted at six to eleven PM
Eastern daylight last night nine to eleven if he ever noticed,
is not too old, he is too incompetent unquote. Trump
(00:52):
will not let this go. Four more posts yesterday on
to use his own phrase, Biden's acuity good handled correctly.
Trump belief that he can prove he is the mentally
competent one and Biden is the other. Handled correctly, this
(01:15):
will lead to Trump's own destruction. Seriously, eight years of this,
eight years of corruption and greed and madness and disaster
in the offing and a disease in the national consciousness.
And what we'll do Trump in is one boast to many.
(01:41):
I know it sounds nuts, and I know it sounds undignified,
and I know it sounds unpresidential. And on the other hand,
this is America twenty twenty three right now. We are
the world's all time leading distributor of nuts and of
undignified and of unpresidential. And more importantly, we are the
world's leading distributor of false political nets, narratives, and Trump's mindless, insane,
(02:08):
hubristic blind rage because just one person somewhere thinks he's
stupid and brain damaged. That is not just his typical daily, mindless, insane,
hubristic rage. It is a potentially fatal mistake on his part,
because whether a sane people like it or not, there
(02:29):
is somehow a debate in this country over whether Joe Biden,
who will celebrate his eighty first birthday in exactly seventy
days and would probably like to commemorate it by going
on a five mile bike ride, is more coherent or
intelligent or functional emotionally and physically than Donald Trump, who
is himself seventy seven years old and stood in front
(02:52):
of this nation and suggested that you could eat light
and inject bleach into your body to fight COVID, and
who is so fat and ungainly and deteriorated and mind
disease that if he tried to ride a bicycle, the
bicycle would be immediately subsumed into his enormous backside, never
(03:12):
to be seen again, except perhaps by a gastro entrologist
or a scrapyard dealer. This subject is not only debated,
but it is clear that at this point some majority
of the American public has been convinced by constant repetition
that Joe Biden is feeble and dementia, Jay Trump is strong.
(03:38):
And we have four hundred and twenty one days to
correct this, or we may really see Trump grab power again,
and this time we may see him really refuse to
let it go. And oh, by the way, even if
he does let it go, he will still get to
make all the climate decisions for this country and thus
this planet for the years twenty twenty five through twenty
(03:59):
twenty nine. And he already has that all planned out,
and it's called Project twenty twenty five. And it rolls
back every climate protection we have and then some, and
it means we will all be dead. Ian Milheuser of
Vox summed this up last night. Coverage of Biden's age
(04:21):
of Biden's acuity is quote starting to take on the
same character as the twenty sixteen but her email's coverage
find something that is genuinely suboptimal about the Democratic candidate
and dwell on it endlessly to quote balance unquote coverage
(04:43):
of the criminal in charge of the GOP, and he's
exactly right. The American political media industrial complex will both
sides this country into its grave, into your grave, into
my grave. It all but succeeded in twenty sixteen and
(05:04):
again in twenty twenty. It believes it is supposed to
do this. It believes this is it doing its job correctly.
After years of promoting idiots into key editorial positions, after
years of reaching the point where balanced news coverage consists
(05:28):
of the following, here's a pound of truth, and for
balance over here, here's a pound of bullshit. We report
you decide we're neutral, We're not liberal. We will not
alienate you, no matter your party. For God's sakes, please
pay us to stay in business. I have a mortgage.
After years of that, after decades of that, America is
(05:49):
the world's leading distributor of false political narratives because we
have built it into the core of our news coverage,
and then suddenly below the radar on a nondescript Sunday afternoon,
(06:11):
in the usual pile of crap at first glance, no
different than any other grain of sand on the beach.
There it is the speck of gold, the thing that
will change it it is a stupid thing. We live
(06:33):
in a stupid world. What better to fix the stupidity with?
If Biden, responding to Trump's psychotic post, I hereby challenge
Rupert Murdoch and sons Biden wsj heads to acuity tests.
We can also throw some physical activity into it, if
(06:56):
that lessens the chances of all of us, you know,
winding up dead a decade from now, because our teeming
millions of fellow Americans, whose stupidity is too vast to
be described by mere human language, cannot tell the difference
between an undulating mass of blubber and stupidity. And on
the other side, a nearly fifty one year veteran of
(07:18):
service to this nation in its Senate, its vice Presidency,
and its presidency, whose worst critics and most virulent haters
still insist at this moment, is actually simultaneously an enfeebled
skeleton and the indefatigable mastermind of an international criminal conspiracy
and actually runs this country and Ukraine and will personally
(07:39):
remove every gas stove and dishwasher from every home in
America with his bare hands. If Biden, saying to Trump
acuity test feats of strength, Let's go fat boy. If
that can actually change that narrative, Joe Biden really really,
really really has to do it. We forget sometimes we
(08:06):
have normalized Donald Trump. Donald Trump is bluff. His life
is bluff, his alleged net worth is bluff. His patriotism
is bluff. His intelligence is bluff, his marriage is bluff.
(08:28):
His ability to remember his own kid's names is bluff.
His business success is bluff. His hair is bluff. But once,
just once, just wants someone needs to step down off
the stage of dignified reluctance and call Trump's bluff and
(08:48):
slap him across the face with it, and keep slapping
him until the crowd of support that forms around all
the bullies in all of our history backs away from
him and looks for a new bully, because only one
one thing about Trump is not bluff. He has perfected
(09:11):
political jiu jitsu. I'm impeached. I'll get you impeached, then
everybody's impeached, and impeachment means nothing. I've been indicted for
countless criminal enterprises. I'll get you indicted, and then indictments
mean nothing. I've called for twenty seven of my political
opponents to be jailed. When you actually indict me for
(09:34):
crimes I committed. I'll pretend I never called for anyone
to be jailed. I'll act like a martyr, and I'll
sell T shirts with my mug shot on it, even
though I don't own the rights to sell T shirts
with my mugshot on it. It is jiu jitsu. It
is using the power of the punch to defeat the
one who has thrown the punch. But now Trump has
(09:58):
thrown the punch. And Trump has thrown one punch too many,
because in that fetid cessp between his ears, even he
has remembered to try to give himself an out. I'll
quote it again. I will name the place and the test,
and it will be a tough one. Nobody will come
(10:19):
even close to me. He has caveated his one punch,
but he has still thrown it and he cannot take
it back. Now and now, for once, and only for once,
Joe Biden should imitate Trump. Employ jiu jitsu, Do not
(10:45):
ignore that one punch, Do not evade that one punch.
Grab the fist and pull it towards you. And even
if what follows does not finish Trump on the American stage,
And I honestly believe it could finish him completely. It
will reset this essential narrative of competence and acuity and
age and insanity. Remember Ian Millheiser's comparison. And imagine it
(11:13):
is September twenty fifteen and you are Hillary Clinton and
somebody says, you know, these emails, these are going to
be the undercurrent that costs you the presidency. And then
they say, the good news is there's a fix. What
we're thinking of doing is printing out, oh, four hundred
(11:35):
and fifty thousand pages of your emails, and we'll put
them in wheelbarrows. Then we'll call a news conference in
and you go up to the podium and you say
just three words, but my emails, And then forty young,
energetic staffers of yours will push those wheelbarrows full of
those printed emails of yours onto the stage, and then
you say, here they are, and then you walk away.
(12:01):
Do you do it? Because not in aging in emails
or acuity tests. That is the tried and true American
political way, and the tried and true Democratic Party way.
And guess what it may work again someday, if ever,
we can rebuild our educational system or Coca cola develops
a flavor called common sense. But we live right now
(12:25):
in an era in which politics is almost entirely no
more sophisticated, no more meaningful, no more dignified, no more
reality based than professional wrestling. Joe Biden does not have
to dress up in a Mexican lucha libre mask and
(12:48):
pick up Jim Jordan and throw him onto a collapsing
card table in the fourteenth row. Satisfying as that would be,
But once, just once, the president has to play this game,
and this is the time Gameplay it in your own mind.
(13:13):
Trump says, I challenge Biden to an acuity test. Biden says,
you believe this guy. Pick the time and the place,
bat boy, let's go what happens? Then Trump can only
do two things. He can go through with it, and
that would, by the way, reveal that yes, remembering the
words person, woman, man, camera TV. Indeed, that was the
(13:34):
highlight of his intellectual life. It was the apex of
his brain's functionality. It was the only time he ever
won anything without rigging it. First, that if there had
been a sixth word or a seventh his head would
have so overheated it would have fallen off his shoulders.
He can do that, or he can do what we
(13:55):
know he will do because he has always done this.
He can pretend it never happened. He can avoid it,
he can ignore it or try to. And this is
where the narrative can not only be broken, but reversed
(14:19):
and rebuilt, and the jiu jitsu move can be completed.
At his earliest opportunity, Joe Biden should now say bring
it on, and the next day he should then ask
reporters anybody heard from Trump on when the acuity test is?
And the day after that, preferably on a bicycle, he
should say, within range of a microphone, you think Trump's
(14:40):
already forgotten the acuity test. And the day after that
Vice President Harris should ask about the Trump Biden acuity challenge.
And the day after that some malleable member of the
media should write up the Trump Biden acuity challenge, and
the day after that some Democratic congressman should take to
the House floor and ask about the Trump Biden acuity challenge.
And the day after that that token liberal on Fox
should ask Janine Piro if she could pass the Trump
(15:02):
Biden acuity challenge, and by then it will become the
dominant subplot of the twenty twenty four presidential campaign, and
there will be only two options on the table. Trump
can proceed and fail and finally expose himself to his
own people for the defective, mentally imbalanced fraud he is,
(15:24):
or he can keep letting Biden and every Democrat and
every commentator and every liberal and every undecided voter and
every both sides ist day after day after day of
(15:45):
free shots to Trump's endlessly receptive belly person woman man
camera TV acuity test the other headlines. We got nothing,
(16:10):
as expected out of the Trump response to the Jack
Smith filing on the Trump extra judicial statements that threatened
to prejudice the jury pool. Whatever that was, whatever Trump's
ambulance chasers filed yesterday. Smith is supposed to respond to
it tomorrow. We did get another Trump install asking Judge
Chutken to recuse herself from the trial because she had
(16:33):
obliquely referenced Trump into previous cases. The judge who has
to decide that is, of course herself. And if we're
getting into a recusing contest, we have the whole Aileen
Cannon was hired by Trump thing. But the point is
not a recusing contest. It is the delay. This will
add a few days. Here. Smith has until Thursday to
(16:53):
explain to Chutkin why Chutkin should not force Chutkin to
recuse Chutkin and then after Trump is convicted in Washington,
this will increase the chances that an appeal will be
heard because Trutkin did not recuse, which she won't. Trump
has also filed to move the crew suit in Colorado,
the one that would force him off the ballot there
via the fourteenth Amendment to federal court. Because again, delay, delay, delay,
(17:18):
And to my earlier point about the American brain drain,
do you remember Senator doctor Roger Marshall of Kansas, the
guynecologist who filled the George Carlin joke out into reality,
the joke that's somewhere in the world there has to
be mathematically, statistically the world's worst doctor. Do you remember
(17:41):
this from Senator doctor Marshall from last year. I want
to take your listeners back to nine to one one,
when three thousand Americans died and we declared war on
those terrorists. Ugh, what a dope. A year later and
Senator doctor Marshall still can't pronounce Emirkins or a tists
(18:01):
or nine to eleven. Can't pronounce nine to eleven nine
to eleven. In fact, he's getting dumber. He ripped Biden
for being in Alaska yesterday. Quote that is not the
way to celebrate nine one one. Celebrate nine one one.
I'm gonna need to see this asshole's license and proof
(18:22):
that there has ever been any electrical activity in his brain.
Also of interest here, a month or so ago, my
friend of now nearly thirty years Rich Eisen, was waxing
poetic about the future of his beloved New York Jets
now that they have Aaron Rodgers. You and I know
(18:47):
Aaron Rodgers is an aging nutjob who lied about getting vaccinated,
who has taken hallucinogenic drugs, who believes in every conspiracy
that can grab the attention of his tiny little mind
for fifteen seconds or longer. He once quizzed a backup
quarterback of his over nine to eleven conspiracies, and Aaron Rodgers,
(19:07):
nearly forty years old, a liar, afraid of needles, and
recently not a very good football player, would be making
his debut for the New York Jets on nine to eleven.
So when Rich posted all this optimism, about this New
York Jets season, and there has not been reason to
be optimistic about the New York Jets since the year
(19:28):
nineteen sixty nine, when I was ten years old. I
answered rich, and I answered simply four and thirteen, indicating
my prediction for the Jets record this season, which may
turn out to be optimistic. Last night, on the fourth
play of his Jets career, Aaron Rodgers was tackled by
Buffalo defender Leonard Floyd. He crumpled to the turf and
(19:50):
was carted off the field with a left ankle injury,
and though X rays were negative, he was seen leaving
the stadium in a car in a big walking boot.
Mark Addis, former National Football League lineman then Harvard trained
orthopedic surgeon, speculated that it looked to him like an
ankle dislocation or a Liz frank An injury to the
(20:11):
Liz Frank joint that stabilizes your arch. Doctor Addix says
it's actually good news that it's not broken and that
Aaron Rodgers could be back in less than two months.
Maybe hashtag sudden list Frank after failure to vaccinate idiots
(20:32):
also how my old boss Walter Isaacson's story about Elon
Musk meddling in Ukraine's defenses against the invasion from Russia
suddenly got changed in the Washington Post to make Musk look,
you know, less guilty of violating the Logan Act. That's next.
This is countdown, Oh my, aching less, Frank. This is
(20:56):
countdown with Keith Oberman postscripts to the news. Some headlines,
some updates, some snarks, some predictions. Dateline Washington Another day.
Another one of my ex bosses in trouble. It was
Walter Isaacson, briefly and unhappily the president of CNN at
(21:18):
the turn of the century who wrote the book about
Elon Musk that revealed Musk had been meddling an American
foreign policy on behalf of the Russians against the Ukrainians.
As Media Matters for America reports, what Walter originally wrote
about Musk scuttling a Ukrainian underwater drone attack directed via
the satellite communications Musk so loudly boasted he had given
(21:39):
to Ukraine against the Russian naval fleet was excerpted thusly
in the Washington Post, at least originally quote. Throughout the
evening and into the night, he personally took charge of
the situation, allowing the use of starlink for the attack.
He concluded could be a disaster for the world, so
he secretly told his engineers to turn off coverage within
(22:00):
one hundred kilometers of the Crimean coast. As a result,
when the Ranian drone subs got near the Russian fleet
in Sebastopol, they lost connectivity and washed ashore harmlessly. When
the Ukrainian military noticed that starlink was disabled in and
around Crimea, Musk got frantic calls and texts asking him
to turn the coverage back on. Feder Off, the Deputy
(22:21):
Prime Minister who had originally enlisted his help, secretly shared
with him the details of how the drone subs were
crucial to their fight for freedom. We made the sea
drones ourselves. They can destroy any cruiser or submarine, he texted,
using an encrypted app. I did not share this information
with anyone. I just want you, the person who is
changing the world through technology, to know this. And then
(22:45):
came the revelation that Musk had mused on Twitter that
he was spending a Sunday morning about a year ago
trying to figure out how to de escalate the war
in Ukraine. When up pop the ever helpful pro Russian
propagandist Malaysian loser Ian Miles Chong, who suggested that Musk
shut off starlink near Crimea. Ukrainians wouldn't try to take
(23:06):
Crimea back from the Russians who invaded it when the
warren Ukraine really started a decade ago. Oops, that's about
when I suggested, and others did too. This country had
better cancel all its defense contracts and business deals with
Elon Musk and kick him out of the country if
we could, since if he's not a Russian asset himself,
(23:27):
he is under the influence of them. Well, guess what
now There is a new version of the Washington Post
synopsis of the Walter Isaacson story of Elon Musk, Nobel
Peace Prize, desirer and gone are the references to turning
anything off, turn starlink off. It was never on. Here's
(23:48):
the new version from the Post quote. What the Ukrainians
did not know is that Musk decided not to enable
starlink coverage of the Crimean coast. When the Ukrainian military
learned that starlink would not allow a successful attack, Musk
got frantic calls and texts asked him to turn the
coverage on feder Off. The Deputy Prime Minister who had
(24:08):
originally enlisted his help, secretly shared within the details of
how the drone subs were crucial to their fight for freedom.
We made the c drones said. As Media Matters notes,
the only Walter Isaacson source for this that there could
possibly be is Elon Musk. So the only reason Isaacson
(24:30):
and the Washington Post changed the story went in and
edited it on the website would be Elon Musk bitched
about it. Walter Isaacson was editor of Time magazine back
when that was like a full time paying job. Then
Time and CNN merged and they thought, well, hey, this
(24:53):
guy does news. Make him president of CNN or something.
And in his first three months, Walter decided CNN needed
a comedy news show, but as I will tell you,
he never thought I would be right for that. Then
he decided CNN needed a new eight pm newscast from
somebody outside of the company actually signed me to a
contract to maybe do it. Then decided now I wasn't
(25:14):
right for it. Then he had to oversee CNN's nine
to eleven coverage, and then he had to make a
crucial decision that the future of CNN was Anderson Cooper,
who has done as much as anybody to make sure
that CNN has in that time sunk from first place
in the field to last. The part about the humorous
(25:35):
news show put Walter Isaacson back in the news early
this year because Chris licked, and honestly, CNN ought to
build a statue to him, and I have a festival
every year like La Tamatina in Italy, where everybody stands
around and throws tomatoes at the statue Chris licked was
per Semaphore News is reporting quote considering hiring a comedian
(25:57):
to host one of CNN's primetime shows to fill the
primetime nine to eleven PM hours with a non traditional
version of the news. Five people with the planning said
CNN executives have floated names including Bill Maher, Trevor Noah
Arcanio Hall, and John Stewart and have looked at other
comedic focused talk shows for inspiration. And as I read
(26:20):
this story, I found myself transported back in time to
the office of Walter Isaacson, President of CNN. Friday, August third,
two thousand and one, his big office was filled with
the brilliant late summer sun. He called me in. He
said how much he had enjoyed how I had used
humor in my work at ESPN and MSNBC, and that
(26:42):
he had what he thought was a great idea, and
he wanted my thoughts. What if we took an hour
in primetime and instead of being deadly serious CNN or
conversational CNN, or even point counterpoint CNN, what if we
were funny CNN satirical CNN. Sounded familiar to me because
I had pitched this exact idea to Walter and his
(27:05):
bosses not a month before. I still have the email
in my computer. I had done a version of it
for CNN in my sports reporting when I started in
TV two decades before, and then I had raised it
to something higher and more of a proven success at ESPN,
and I did it at MSNBC in nineteen ninety seven
and nineteen ninety eight, more sardonic than satirical, more bitter
(27:29):
than humorous, but it got some laughs. In two thousand
and one, I happened to be back with CNN as
a scheduled freelancer, filling in on the show. Jeff Greenfield
was supposed to host at eleven o'clock every night, then
he broke his ankle or something. My agent was negotiating
to get me the eight pm hour that they were
going to give to somebody who was not currently on
the network. And I had said, obviously, you couldn't have
(27:53):
a comedian do the news, but you could have a
newscaster with a decent sense of comedy bring a humorous
starting point to it. And not only was I qualified,
but as I said to Walter, right then I can
do the key thing. That is the only way you
can get away with this idea. I can be the
guy on the air doing the slightly funny news when
(28:13):
a bridge suddenly collapses, or Ronald Reagan dies or there
is a terrorist attack, and I can swerve back into
serious coverage before the network crashes, because you know, it
had a comedy show on when the world ended. Walter
nodded politely. What would you think of John Stewart? He asked,
(28:35):
do you think the audience would buy John Stewart doing that?
I think he's great, don't you, I said, frankly, Walter, No,
mostly for the reason I just outlined I mean, if
John Stewart is doing your funny news one night, and
then there's unfunny news you are, and then I said
a word that rhymed with duct. I also said that
(28:55):
I didn't know him well, but everybody I knew who
did said John Stuart was insufferable, impossible to work with,
a dreadful and dreary person, notorious for stealing other people's
ideas and pretending they were his. I said his point
of view was closer to my own, but that, frankly,
the closest personality comp in cable News to John Stewart
(29:17):
was actually Bill O'Reilly. I saw my words bounce off
Walter's head and float out the window of his CNN
top floor office. Do you think John would do it?
To be fair? I don't think they asked him. In
two thousand and one, the previous time, a CNN president
(29:37):
thought of this idea and mistakenly believed he was saying,
let's have John Stewart do the news, when in fact,
what he was saying was let's have John Stewart's ratings
between nine and ten every night, because that's what Chris
Lick was thinking, as it was what Walter Isaacson was
thinking and why Chris licked immediately moved the idea from
impossible crash and burn to feasible. No on Stuart, Let's
(30:02):
call Arsenio Hall. He's alive right. The longest that a
comedy news Hybridge show can be is about thirty minutes,
and one can argue, based on audience retention for The
John Stewart Daily Show and The Colbert Report, it's actually
closer to about fifteen minutes, as Clicked must have remembered
(30:23):
from his days running Colbert's amazingly unfunny CBS program. No
late night comedy show that dabbled in news in a
monologue or even multiple desk segments has ever done more
than about ten twelve minutes of it a night. And
I mean the superstars limited themselves to ten minutes of
it to night. David Letterman, Johnny Carson, even Jay Leno
(30:43):
others have tried ten minutes of news humor and were
never heard from again. And if you doubt me, ask
yourself if you remember the Pat Sayjack Show on CBS
at eleven thirty every night, or Comedy Central's The Nightly
Show with Larry Willmore or Frankly, what do you remember
of the third incarnation of The Daily Show with Trevor Noah,
(31:06):
who kept the franchise alive after Stewart retired, But my god,
it was just barely and Chris Lickt of the we
thought they were paced eaters. Lichts supposedly brought up Trevor
Noah and did bring up John Stewart in an interview
with The New York Times in twenty twenty two. And
so then somebody thought of Charles Barkley and my old
(31:29):
college colleague Bill Maher. Semaphore noted, Marr is a potentially
more realistic prospect. The host of HBO's long running weekly
show that bears his name, is already in house at
Warner Bros. Discovery. CNN's parent company. Puck reported this night
that CNN is in talks to begin airing some of
Mar's weekly extra HBO segments. There were several problems with
(31:52):
Bill Maher. Of course, for twenty five years, he has
been abhorred by conservatives. They got him canceled from his
original nightly show on ABC Politically Incorrect after nine to eleven.
That's fine. Conservatives are not going to watch CNN no
matter what its fascist owner. John Malone might do. But
the issue here is Mar has also gradually spent nearly
(32:14):
all of his goodwill and reputation with liberals. They may
not all abhor him yet, but he stopped being appointment
viewing for liberals, perhaps as long as a decade ago. Also,
if the quality of the humor in his once a
week HBO show is an indicator, putting him on nightly
on CNN starting say, next Monday, would mean he would
(32:38):
be out of material by next Thursday, maybe next Wednesday.
I also know Bill since literally nineteen seventy eight, and
I used to be on the HBO show often, and
he invariably told me that the best thing that ever
happened to him was getting away from having to do
a TV show every night. That six days of prep
for one show was a tough enough ratio. Finally, CNN
(33:03):
had the brilliant eye idea it would solve that problem
by putting Mar just once a week on in his
time slot, his regular favorite time slot, late nights on Fridays.
It took the segment he used to do after his
HBO show was over that they would put online, and
instead they put it in the eleven pm Friday night
(33:23):
CNN newscast, and it got an audience literally half the
size of this podcast. I think they've canceled it for good,
but who knows, because honestly, who'd notice. And lastly, while
it is assumed people actually watch Bill Maher's show, there
is no proof of that. HBO does not produce ratings
(33:46):
for the programs it puts on cable. It's not in
the ratings game. It's in the subscription game. As I
suggested just now, we don't know how many people watch
mar We know there aren't maybe any conservatives. We don't
know if there are still any liberals, And that, of course,
is the other fundamental flaw here. The cover story for
(34:07):
Chris Lickt's actual job was he was to bring back
balanced a political news Well, quick, name me the last
a political news comedian or satirist. I'll wait. Even if
you think the foppish guy they have on Fox, Blowfeld
(34:28):
or Gutworm or whatever his name is is actually funny,
is he a political letterman? Was actually kind of a
political Yet most of his political stuff wound up mocking
Republicans because they do things that are easier to laugh at,
like John McCain lying to him and not showing up
for that two thousand and eight hour long interview we
were supposed to get just before the election, and they
(34:51):
had to bring in me. Sorry, when Colbert, who is
far more conservative than he wants you to know, could
cover up his intent by pretending he was just pretending
he was far more successful than he is now. And
it needs to be remember that until Trump's ascension, CBS,
with that guy licked in charge of it, was about
to swap him and the a political and a funny
(35:14):
James Cordon and Relegate Colbert at twelve thirty at night.
And even if you disagree with my comedy analysis, the
bottom line is you cannot do comedy about news without
being political. And you can't put a comedian in the
driver's seat of a real newscast because one day he
will have to segue into live coverage of the massive
explosion down at the Goiter clinic. If you really wanted
(35:37):
to do an hour or just half an hour of
comedy news, it would have to be political, and it
would have to be hosted by somebody able to turn
on a dime. From the Chuckle Hut to Good Evening.
There are dead ex presidents you're talking Al Franken or
maybe maybe me, and CNN is not going to hire
Al Franken. And guess what, CNN is definitely definitely not
(36:00):
going to hire me. So let us go back back
in time again to Walter Isaacson's office, long before anybody
heard of God damned Elon MUCKs. Back to Walter's office
at CNN and the dear innocent pre deluge days of
August two thousand and one, and when Walter Isaacson was
(36:22):
the president of CNN, after Rees Schoenfeld had been it,
and Bert Reinhardt, whom I worked for, and Tom Johnson,
who I did not but I knew, and Rick Kaplan
who I did work for later, and Walter was before
John Klein who tried to bring me back to CNN
in two thousand and six but got overruled by Jim Walton,
who had been the backup Chiron guy on my CNN
sports cast in nineteen eighty three, and Jim was also president,
(36:43):
and then Jim fired John, and then somebody fired Jim,
and then they brought in Jeff Zooker and he tried
to bring me back in twenty sixteen, and then they
fired him, and then it was Chris licked and then
they fired him. And now I got that British guy
who wants bit a producer because he thought it was funny.
I can't actually recall how long I was in Walter
Isaacson's office that summer day, so long ago. He had
(37:05):
a lot of questions he wanted to ask me, and
he continually referred to my experience mixing humor and serious
coverage in sports, and even right then when I was
filling in for Jeff Greenfield, and the longer I was
in there, the more it seemed like he was leading
up to asking me if I wanted to try it,
and he never asked. And what made that even crazier
(37:27):
was not long after CNN offered me the job of
lead anchor and managing editor at its CNNSI Sports network,
and a different contract as a full time salaried host
and essayist on news and sports for the regular CNN network,
and a third contract, a holding contract, which would really
(37:47):
just be a pre negotiation in case they chose me
from the finalists for their main eight o'clock anchor flagship show.
And it turned out a month later they shuddered CNNSI,
but we did proceed on the anchor essayist contract and
we signed that holding contract. So I had two contracts
(38:08):
with CNN, and then at eight o'clock they never executed
my other contract because they gave the show two Connie
Chung Connie Chung, and then they canceled her show. One
year later. Walter left CNN in January two thousand and three,
and a month later I returned to MSNBC and we
started Countdown. Politics and commentary gradually squeezed out the time
(38:32):
I had devoted to the humor and satire, but originally
Countdown was as much satire as it was controversy. And
one day in two thousand and five, a call was
transferred into my office from one of our guest bookers
who said somebody that they'd tried to get to be
on the show was not going to do it, but
he wanted to talk to me. While he was on
the line, Keith, it's Walter Isaacson. I've been meaning to
(38:55):
call you for a couple of months. I don't know
if you remember this. In fact, I kind of hope
you don't. But in two thousand and one, do you
remember I asked you about doing a newscast with a
comedy element to you, and I must have asked you
about John Stewart, and everybody liked John Stewart, and I
just wanted to say. I watch Countdown every night, and
every night I say to myself, this is exactly the
show I wanted. And the guy was sitting on the
(39:16):
other side of my goddamn desk and I didn't even
see him because I was looking at it backwards, and
I just kicked myself. This is the man who just
fixed the Elon Musk quotes what Walter Isaacson said next
in two thousand and five should be a lesson to
anybody else who wants to try Walter Isaacson's idea from
two thousand and one and claim it is their idea.
(39:40):
You don't get a comedian to do funny news, Walter said,
as if I had not told him this. You get
a newsman who's kind of funny to do news that's
kind of funny. Given the continuing miseries with my throat,
(40:26):
I think I've done pretty well, but I've also done
all the damage I can do here possibly to my throat.
Thank you for listening. Countdown has come to you from
our Studios hiattop the Sports Capsule Building in New York.
Here are the credits. Most of the music arranged, produced
and performed by Brian Ray and John Phillip Schanel. The
countdown musical directors. All orchestration and keyboards by John Phillip Shanel, Guitars,
(40:47):
bass and drums by Brian Ray, produced by Tko Brothers.
Other Beethoven selections have been arranged and performed by the
group No Horns Allowed. Sports music when we have it
is the Alderman theme from ESPN two, written by Mitch
Warren Davis courtesy of ESPN, Inc. Musical comments by Nancy Faust.
The best baseball stadium organist ever. Our announcer today is
my friend, Howard Feineman. Everything else was pretty much my fault.
(41:10):
So that's countdown for this, the nine hundred and eightieth
day since Donald Trump's first attempted coup against the democratically
elected government of the United States. Convict him now while
we still can. Joe, if you're listening, take him up
on the acuity test. It will win you reelection. The
next scheduled countdown is tomorrow. Bulletins as the news warrants
(41:33):
and as my throat permits till then. I'm Keith Olderman.
Good morning, good afternoon, good night, and good luck to
my throat. Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio.
(42:01):
For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts.
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. Joe
Biden really really really really really really really really should
(00:30):
take Trump up on this acuity test challenge. Really really
really Joe Biden Trump posted at six to eleven PM
Eastern daylight last night nine to eleven if he ever noticed,
is not too old, he is too incompetent unquote. Trump
(00:52):
will not let this go. Four more posts yesterday on
to use his own phrase, Biden's acuity good handled correctly.
Trump belief that he can prove he is the mentally
competent one and Biden is the other. Handled correctly, this
(01:15):
will lead to Trump's own destruction. Seriously, eight years of this,
eight years of corruption and greed and madness and disaster
in the offing and a disease in the national consciousness.
And what we'll do Trump in is one boast to many.
(01:41):
I know it sounds nuts, and I know it sounds undignified,
and I know it sounds unpresidential. And on the other hand,
this is America twenty twenty three right now. We are
the world's all time leading distributor of nuts and of
undignified and of unpresidential. And more importantly, we are the
world's leading distributor of false political nets, narratives, and Trump's mindless, insane,
(02:08):
hubristic blind rage because just one person somewhere thinks he's
stupid and brain damaged. That is not just his typical daily, mindless, insane,
hubristic rage. It is a potentially fatal mistake on his part,
because whether a sane people like it or not, there
(02:29):
is somehow a debate in this country over whether Joe Biden,
who will celebrate his eighty first birthday in exactly seventy
days and would probably like to commemorate it by going
on a five mile bike ride, is more coherent or
intelligent or functional emotionally and physically than Donald Trump, who
is himself seventy seven years old and stood in front
(02:52):
of this nation and suggested that you could eat light
and inject bleach into your body to fight COVID, and
who is so fat and ungainly and deteriorated and mind
disease that if he tried to ride a bicycle, the
bicycle would be immediately subsumed into his enormous backside, never
(03:12):
to be seen again, except perhaps by a gastro entrologist
or a scrapyard dealer. This subject is not only debated,
but it is clear that at this point some majority
of the American public has been convinced by constant repetition
that Joe Biden is feeble and dementia, Jay Trump is strong.
(03:38):
And we have four hundred and twenty one days to
correct this, or we may really see Trump grab power again,
and this time we may see him really refuse to
let it go. And oh, by the way, even if
he does let it go, he will still get to
make all the climate decisions for this country and thus
this planet for the years twenty twenty five through twenty
(03:59):
twenty nine. And he already has that all planned out,
and it's called Project twenty twenty five. And it rolls
back every climate protection we have and then some, and
it means we will all be dead. Ian Milheuser of
Vox summed this up last night. Coverage of Biden's age
(04:21):
of Biden's acuity is quote starting to take on the
same character as the twenty sixteen but her email's coverage
find something that is genuinely suboptimal about the Democratic candidate
and dwell on it endlessly to quote balance unquote coverage
(04:43):
of the criminal in charge of the GOP, and he's
exactly right. The American political media industrial complex will both
sides this country into its grave, into your grave, into
my grave. It all but succeeded in twenty sixteen and
(05:04):
again in twenty twenty. It believes it is supposed to
do this. It believes this is it doing its job correctly.
After years of promoting idiots into key editorial positions, after
years of reaching the point where balanced news coverage consists
(05:28):
of the following, here's a pound of truth, and for
balance over here, here's a pound of bullshit. We report
you decide we're neutral, We're not liberal. We will not
alienate you, no matter your party. For God's sakes, please
pay us to stay in business. I have a mortgage.
After years of that, after decades of that, America is
(05:49):
the world's leading distributor of false political narratives because we
have built it into the core of our news coverage,
and then suddenly below the radar on a nondescript Sunday afternoon,
(06:11):
in the usual pile of crap at first glance, no
different than any other grain of sand on the beach.
There it is the speck of gold, the thing that
will change it it is a stupid thing. We live
(06:33):
in a stupid world. What better to fix the stupidity with?
If Biden, responding to Trump's psychotic post, I hereby challenge
Rupert Murdoch and sons Biden wsj heads to acuity tests.
We can also throw some physical activity into it, if
(06:56):
that lessens the chances of all of us, you know,
winding up dead a decade from now, because our teeming
millions of fellow Americans, whose stupidity is too vast to
be described by mere human language, cannot tell the difference
between an undulating mass of blubber and stupidity. And on
the other side, a nearly fifty one year veteran of
(07:18):
service to this nation in its Senate, its vice Presidency,
and its presidency, whose worst critics and most virulent haters
still insist at this moment, is actually simultaneously an enfeebled
skeleton and the indefatigable mastermind of an international criminal conspiracy
and actually runs this country and Ukraine and will personally
(07:39):
remove every gas stove and dishwasher from every home in
America with his bare hands. If Biden, saying to Trump
acuity test feats of strength, Let's go fat boy. If
that can actually change that narrative, Joe Biden really really,
really really has to do it. We forget sometimes we
(08:06):
have normalized Donald Trump. Donald Trump is bluff. His life
is bluff, his alleged net worth is bluff. His patriotism
is bluff. His intelligence is bluff, his marriage is bluff.
(08:28):
His ability to remember his own kid's names is bluff.
His business success is bluff. His hair is bluff. But once,
just once, just wants someone needs to step down off
the stage of dignified reluctance and call Trump's bluff and
(08:48):
slap him across the face with it, and keep slapping
him until the crowd of support that forms around all
the bullies in all of our history backs away from
him and looks for a new bully, because only one
one thing about Trump is not bluff. He has perfected
(09:11):
political jiu jitsu. I'm impeached. I'll get you impeached, then
everybody's impeached, and impeachment means nothing. I've been indicted for
countless criminal enterprises. I'll get you indicted, and then indictments
mean nothing. I've called for twenty seven of my political
opponents to be jailed. When you actually indict me for
(09:34):
crimes I committed. I'll pretend I never called for anyone
to be jailed. I'll act like a martyr, and I'll
sell T shirts with my mug shot on it, even
though I don't own the rights to sell T shirts
with my mugshot on it. It is jiu jitsu. It
is using the power of the punch to defeat the
one who has thrown the punch. But now Trump has
(09:58):
thrown the punch. And Trump has thrown one punch too many,
because in that fetid cessp between his ears, even he
has remembered to try to give himself an out. I'll
quote it again. I will name the place and the test,
and it will be a tough one. Nobody will come
(10:19):
even close to me. He has caveated his one punch,
but he has still thrown it and he cannot take
it back. Now and now, for once, and only for once,
Joe Biden should imitate Trump. Employ jiu jitsu, Do not
(10:45):
ignore that one punch, Do not evade that one punch.
Grab the fist and pull it towards you. And even
if what follows does not finish Trump on the American stage,
And I honestly believe it could finish him completely. It
will reset this essential narrative of competence and acuity and
age and insanity. Remember Ian Millheiser's comparison. And imagine it
(11:13):
is September twenty fifteen and you are Hillary Clinton and
somebody says, you know, these emails, these are going to
be the undercurrent that costs you the presidency. And then
they say, the good news is there's a fix. What
we're thinking of doing is printing out, oh, four hundred
(11:35):
and fifty thousand pages of your emails, and we'll put
them in wheelbarrows. Then we'll call a news conference in
and you go up to the podium and you say
just three words, but my emails, And then forty young,
energetic staffers of yours will push those wheelbarrows full of
those printed emails of yours onto the stage, and then
you say, here they are, and then you walk away.
(12:01):
Do you do it? Because not in aging in emails
or acuity tests. That is the tried and true American
political way, and the tried and true Democratic Party way.
And guess what it may work again someday, if ever,
we can rebuild our educational system or Coca cola develops
a flavor called common sense. But we live right now
(12:25):
in an era in which politics is almost entirely no
more sophisticated, no more meaningful, no more dignified, no more
reality based than professional wrestling. Joe Biden does not have
to dress up in a Mexican lucha libre mask and
(12:48):
pick up Jim Jordan and throw him onto a collapsing
card table in the fourteenth row. Satisfying as that would be,
But once, just once, the president has to play this game,
and this is the time Gameplay it in your own mind.
(13:13):
Trump says, I challenge Biden to an acuity test. Biden says,
you believe this guy. Pick the time and the place,
bat boy, let's go what happens? Then Trump can only
do two things. He can go through with it, and
that would, by the way, reveal that yes, remembering the
words person, woman, man, camera TV. Indeed, that was the
(13:34):
highlight of his intellectual life. It was the apex of
his brain's functionality. It was the only time he ever
won anything without rigging it. First, that if there had
been a sixth word or a seventh his head would
have so overheated it would have fallen off his shoulders.
He can do that, or he can do what we
(13:55):
know he will do because he has always done this.
He can pretend it never happened. He can avoid it,
he can ignore it or try to. And this is
where the narrative can not only be broken, but reversed
(14:19):
and rebuilt, and the jiu jitsu move can be completed.
At his earliest opportunity, Joe Biden should now say bring
it on, and the next day he should then ask
reporters anybody heard from Trump on when the acuity test is?
And the day after that, preferably on a bicycle, he
should say, within range of a microphone, you think Trump's
(14:40):
already forgotten the acuity test. And the day after that
Vice President Harris should ask about the Trump Biden acuity challenge.
And the day after that some malleable member of the
media should write up the Trump Biden acuity challenge, and
the day after that some Democratic congressman should take to
the House floor and ask about the Trump Biden acuity challenge.
And the day after that that token liberal on Fox
should ask Janine Piro if she could pass the Trump
(15:02):
Biden acuity challenge, and by then it will become the
dominant subplot of the twenty twenty four presidential campaign, and
there will be only two options on the table. Trump
can proceed and fail and finally expose himself to his
own people for the defective, mentally imbalanced fraud he is,
(15:24):
or he can keep letting Biden and every Democrat and
every commentator and every liberal and every undecided voter and
every both sides ist day after day after day of
(15:45):
free shots to Trump's endlessly receptive belly person woman man
camera TV acuity test the other headlines. We got nothing,
(16:10):
as expected out of the Trump response to the Jack
Smith filing on the Trump extra judicial statements that threatened
to prejudice the jury pool. Whatever that was, whatever Trump's
ambulance chasers filed yesterday. Smith is supposed to respond to
it tomorrow. We did get another Trump install asking Judge
Chutken to recuse herself from the trial because she had
(16:33):
obliquely referenced Trump into previous cases. The judge who has
to decide that is, of course herself. And if we're
getting into a recusing contest, we have the whole Aileen
Cannon was hired by Trump thing. But the point is
not a recusing contest. It is the delay. This will
add a few days. Here. Smith has until Thursday to
(16:53):
explain to Chutkin why Chutkin should not force Chutkin to
recuse Chutkin and then after Trump is convicted in Washington,
this will increase the chances that an appeal will be
heard because Trutkin did not recuse, which she won't. Trump
has also filed to move the crew suit in Colorado,
the one that would force him off the ballot there
via the fourteenth Amendment to federal court. Because again, delay, delay, delay,
(17:18):
And to my earlier point about the American brain drain,
do you remember Senator doctor Roger Marshall of Kansas, the
guynecologist who filled the George Carlin joke out into reality,
the joke that's somewhere in the world there has to
be mathematically, statistically the world's worst doctor. Do you remember
(17:41):
this from Senator doctor Marshall from last year. I want
to take your listeners back to nine to one one,
when three thousand Americans died and we declared war on
those terrorists. Ugh, what a dope. A year later and
Senator doctor Marshall still can't pronounce Emirkins or a tists
(18:01):
or nine to eleven. Can't pronounce nine to eleven nine
to eleven. In fact, he's getting dumber. He ripped Biden
for being in Alaska yesterday. Quote that is not the
way to celebrate nine one one. Celebrate nine one one.
I'm gonna need to see this asshole's license and proof
(18:22):
that there has ever been any electrical activity in his brain.
Also of interest here, a month or so ago, my
friend of now nearly thirty years Rich Eisen, was waxing
poetic about the future of his beloved New York Jets
now that they have Aaron Rodgers. You and I know
(18:47):
Aaron Rodgers is an aging nutjob who lied about getting vaccinated,
who has taken hallucinogenic drugs, who believes in every conspiracy
that can grab the attention of his tiny little mind
for fifteen seconds or longer. He once quizzed a backup
quarterback of his over nine to eleven conspiracies, and Aaron Rodgers,
(19:07):
nearly forty years old, a liar, afraid of needles, and
recently not a very good football player, would be making
his debut for the New York Jets on nine to eleven.
So when Rich posted all this optimism, about this New
York Jets season, and there has not been reason to
be optimistic about the New York Jets since the year
(19:28):
nineteen sixty nine, when I was ten years old. I
answered rich, and I answered simply four and thirteen, indicating
my prediction for the Jets record this season, which may
turn out to be optimistic. Last night, on the fourth
play of his Jets career, Aaron Rodgers was tackled by
Buffalo defender Leonard Floyd. He crumpled to the turf and
(19:50):
was carted off the field with a left ankle injury,
and though X rays were negative, he was seen leaving
the stadium in a car in a big walking boot.
Mark Addis, former National Football League lineman then Harvard trained
orthopedic surgeon, speculated that it looked to him like an
ankle dislocation or a Liz frank An injury to the
(20:11):
Liz Frank joint that stabilizes your arch. Doctor Addix says
it's actually good news that it's not broken and that
Aaron Rodgers could be back in less than two months.
Maybe hashtag sudden list Frank after failure to vaccinate idiots
(20:32):
also how my old boss Walter Isaacson's story about Elon
Musk meddling in Ukraine's defenses against the invasion from Russia
suddenly got changed in the Washington Post to make Musk look,
you know, less guilty of violating the Logan Act. That's next.
This is countdown, Oh my, aching less, Frank. This is
(20:56):
countdown with Keith Oberman postscripts to the news. Some headlines,
some updates, some snarks, some predictions. Dateline Washington Another day.
Another one of my ex bosses in trouble. It was
Walter Isaacson, briefly and unhappily the president of CNN at
(21:18):
the turn of the century who wrote the book about
Elon Musk that revealed Musk had been meddling an American
foreign policy on behalf of the Russians against the Ukrainians.
As Media Matters for America reports, what Walter originally wrote
about Musk scuttling a Ukrainian underwater drone attack directed via
the satellite communications Musk so loudly boasted he had given
(21:39):
to Ukraine against the Russian naval fleet was excerpted thusly
in the Washington Post, at least originally quote. Throughout the
evening and into the night, he personally took charge of
the situation, allowing the use of starlink for the attack.
He concluded could be a disaster for the world, so
he secretly told his engineers to turn off coverage within
(22:00):
one hundred kilometers of the Crimean coast. As a result,
when the Ranian drone subs got near the Russian fleet
in Sebastopol, they lost connectivity and washed ashore harmlessly. When
the Ukrainian military noticed that starlink was disabled in and
around Crimea, Musk got frantic calls and texts asking him
to turn the coverage back on. Feder Off, the Deputy
(22:21):
Prime Minister who had originally enlisted his help, secretly shared
with him the details of how the drone subs were
crucial to their fight for freedom. We made the sea
drones ourselves. They can destroy any cruiser or submarine, he texted,
using an encrypted app. I did not share this information
with anyone. I just want you, the person who is
changing the world through technology, to know this. And then
(22:45):
came the revelation that Musk had mused on Twitter that
he was spending a Sunday morning about a year ago
trying to figure out how to de escalate the war
in Ukraine. When up pop the ever helpful pro Russian
propagandist Malaysian loser Ian Miles Chong, who suggested that Musk
shut off starlink near Crimea. Ukrainians wouldn't try to take
(23:06):
Crimea back from the Russians who invaded it when the
warren Ukraine really started a decade ago. Oops, that's about
when I suggested, and others did too. This country had
better cancel all its defense contracts and business deals with
Elon Musk and kick him out of the country if
we could, since if he's not a Russian asset himself,
(23:27):
he is under the influence of them. Well, guess what
now There is a new version of the Washington Post
synopsis of the Walter Isaacson story of Elon Musk, Nobel
Peace Prize, desirer and gone are the references to turning
anything off, turn starlink off. It was never on. Here's
(23:48):
the new version from the Post quote. What the Ukrainians
did not know is that Musk decided not to enable
starlink coverage of the Crimean coast. When the Ukrainian military
learned that starlink would not allow a successful attack, Musk
got frantic calls and texts asked him to turn the
coverage on feder Off. The Deputy Prime Minister who had
(24:08):
originally enlisted his help, secretly shared within the details of
how the drone subs were crucial to their fight for freedom.
We made the c drones said. As Media Matters notes,
the only Walter Isaacson source for this that there could
possibly be is Elon Musk. So the only reason Isaacson
(24:30):
and the Washington Post changed the story went in and
edited it on the website would be Elon Musk bitched
about it. Walter Isaacson was editor of Time magazine back
when that was like a full time paying job. Then
Time and CNN merged and they thought, well, hey, this
(24:53):
guy does news. Make him president of CNN or something.
And in his first three months, Walter decided CNN needed
a comedy news show, but as I will tell you,
he never thought I would be right for that. Then
he decided CNN needed a new eight pm newscast from
somebody outside of the company actually signed me to a
contract to maybe do it. Then decided now I wasn't
(25:14):
right for it. Then he had to oversee CNN's nine
to eleven coverage, and then he had to make a
crucial decision that the future of CNN was Anderson Cooper,
who has done as much as anybody to make sure
that CNN has in that time sunk from first place
in the field to last. The part about the humorous
(25:35):
news show put Walter Isaacson back in the news early
this year because Chris licked, and honestly, CNN ought to
build a statue to him, and I have a festival
every year like La Tamatina in Italy, where everybody stands
around and throws tomatoes at the statue Chris licked was
per Semaphore News is reporting quote considering hiring a comedian
(25:57):
to host one of CNN's primetime shows to fill the
primetime nine to eleven PM hours with a non traditional
version of the news. Five people with the planning said
CNN executives have floated names including Bill Maher, Trevor Noah
Arcanio Hall, and John Stewart and have looked at other
comedic focused talk shows for inspiration. And as I read
(26:20):
this story, I found myself transported back in time to
the office of Walter Isaacson, President of CNN. Friday, August third,
two thousand and one, his big office was filled with
the brilliant late summer sun. He called me in. He
said how much he had enjoyed how I had used
humor in my work at ESPN and MSNBC, and that
(26:42):
he had what he thought was a great idea, and
he wanted my thoughts. What if we took an hour
in primetime and instead of being deadly serious CNN or
conversational CNN, or even point counterpoint CNN, what if we
were funny CNN satirical CNN. Sounded familiar to me because
I had pitched this exact idea to Walter and his
(27:05):
bosses not a month before. I still have the email
in my computer. I had done a version of it
for CNN in my sports reporting when I started in
TV two decades before, and then I had raised it
to something higher and more of a proven success at ESPN,
and I did it at MSNBC in nineteen ninety seven
and nineteen ninety eight, more sardonic than satirical, more bitter
(27:29):
than humorous, but it got some laughs. In two thousand
and one, I happened to be back with CNN as
a scheduled freelancer, filling in on the show. Jeff Greenfield
was supposed to host at eleven o'clock every night, then
he broke his ankle or something. My agent was negotiating
to get me the eight pm hour that they were
going to give to somebody who was not currently on
the network. And I had said, obviously, you couldn't have
(27:53):
a comedian do the news, but you could have a
newscaster with a decent sense of comedy bring a humorous
starting point to it. And not only was I qualified,
but as I said to Walter, right then I can
do the key thing. That is the only way you
can get away with this idea. I can be the
guy on the air doing the slightly funny news when
(28:13):
a bridge suddenly collapses, or Ronald Reagan dies or there
is a terrorist attack, and I can swerve back into
serious coverage before the network crashes, because you know, it
had a comedy show on when the world ended. Walter
nodded politely. What would you think of John Stewart? He asked,
(28:35):
do you think the audience would buy John Stewart doing that?
I think he's great, don't you, I said, frankly, Walter, No,
mostly for the reason I just outlined I mean, if
John Stewart is doing your funny news one night, and
then there's unfunny news you are, and then I said
a word that rhymed with duct. I also said that
(28:55):
I didn't know him well, but everybody I knew who
did said John Stuart was insufferable, impossible to work with,
a dreadful and dreary person, notorious for stealing other people's
ideas and pretending they were his. I said his point
of view was closer to my own, but that, frankly,
the closest personality comp in cable News to John Stewart
(29:17):
was actually Bill O'Reilly. I saw my words bounce off
Walter's head and float out the window of his CNN
top floor office. Do you think John would do it?
To be fair? I don't think they asked him. In
two thousand and one, the previous time, a CNN president
(29:37):
thought of this idea and mistakenly believed he was saying,
let's have John Stewart do the news, when in fact,
what he was saying was let's have John Stewart's ratings
between nine and ten every night, because that's what Chris
Lick was thinking, as it was what Walter Isaacson was
thinking and why Chris licked immediately moved the idea from
impossible crash and burn to feasible. No on Stuart, Let's
(30:02):
call Arsenio Hall. He's alive right. The longest that a
comedy news Hybridge show can be is about thirty minutes,
and one can argue, based on audience retention for The
John Stewart Daily Show and The Colbert Report, it's actually
closer to about fifteen minutes, as Clicked must have remembered
(30:23):
from his days running Colbert's amazingly unfunny CBS program. No
late night comedy show that dabbled in news in a
monologue or even multiple desk segments has ever done more
than about ten twelve minutes of it a night. And
I mean the superstars limited themselves to ten minutes of
it to night. David Letterman, Johnny Carson, even Jay Leno
(30:43):
others have tried ten minutes of news humor and were
never heard from again. And if you doubt me, ask
yourself if you remember the Pat Sayjack Show on CBS
at eleven thirty every night, or Comedy Central's The Nightly
Show with Larry Willmore or Frankly, what do you remember
of the third incarnation of The Daily Show with Trevor Noah,
(31:06):
who kept the franchise alive after Stewart retired, But my god,
it was just barely and Chris Lickt of the we
thought they were paced eaters. Lichts supposedly brought up Trevor
Noah and did bring up John Stewart in an interview
with The New York Times in twenty twenty two. And
so then somebody thought of Charles Barkley and my old
(31:29):
college colleague Bill Maher. Semaphore noted, Marr is a potentially
more realistic prospect. The host of HBO's long running weekly
show that bears his name, is already in house at
Warner Bros. Discovery. CNN's parent company. Puck reported this night
that CNN is in talks to begin airing some of
Mar's weekly extra HBO segments. There were several problems with
(31:52):
Bill Maher. Of course, for twenty five years, he has
been abhorred by conservatives. They got him canceled from his
original nightly show on ABC Politically Incorrect after nine to eleven.
That's fine. Conservatives are not going to watch CNN no
matter what its fascist owner. John Malone might do. But
the issue here is Mar has also gradually spent nearly
(32:14):
all of his goodwill and reputation with liberals. They may
not all abhor him yet, but he stopped being appointment
viewing for liberals, perhaps as long as a decade ago. Also,
if the quality of the humor in his once a
week HBO show is an indicator, putting him on nightly
on CNN starting say, next Monday, would mean he would
(32:38):
be out of material by next Thursday, maybe next Wednesday.
I also know Bill since literally nineteen seventy eight, and
I used to be on the HBO show often, and
he invariably told me that the best thing that ever
happened to him was getting away from having to do
a TV show every night. That six days of prep
for one show was a tough enough ratio. Finally, CNN
(33:03):
had the brilliant eye idea it would solve that problem
by putting Mar just once a week on in his
time slot, his regular favorite time slot, late nights on Fridays.
It took the segment he used to do after his
HBO show was over that they would put online, and
instead they put it in the eleven pm Friday night
(33:23):
CNN newscast, and it got an audience literally half the
size of this podcast. I think they've canceled it for good,
but who knows, because honestly, who'd notice. And lastly, while
it is assumed people actually watch Bill Maher's show, there
is no proof of that. HBO does not produce ratings
(33:46):
for the programs it puts on cable. It's not in
the ratings game. It's in the subscription game. As I
suggested just now, we don't know how many people watch
mar We know there aren't maybe any conservatives. We don't
know if there are still any liberals, And that, of course,
is the other fundamental flaw here. The cover story for
(34:07):
Chris Lickt's actual job was he was to bring back
balanced a political news Well, quick, name me the last
a political news comedian or satirist. I'll wait. Even if
you think the foppish guy they have on Fox, Blowfeld
(34:28):
or Gutworm or whatever his name is is actually funny,
is he a political letterman? Was actually kind of a
political Yet most of his political stuff wound up mocking
Republicans because they do things that are easier to laugh at,
like John McCain lying to him and not showing up
for that two thousand and eight hour long interview we
were supposed to get just before the election, and they
(34:51):
had to bring in me. Sorry, when Colbert, who is
far more conservative than he wants you to know, could
cover up his intent by pretending he was just pretending
he was far more successful than he is now. And
it needs to be remember that until Trump's ascension, CBS,
with that guy licked in charge of it, was about
to swap him and the a political and a funny
(35:14):
James Cordon and Relegate Colbert at twelve thirty at night.
And even if you disagree with my comedy analysis, the
bottom line is you cannot do comedy about news without
being political. And you can't put a comedian in the
driver's seat of a real newscast because one day he
will have to segue into live coverage of the massive
explosion down at the Goiter clinic. If you really wanted
(35:37):
to do an hour or just half an hour of
comedy news, it would have to be political, and it
would have to be hosted by somebody able to turn
on a dime. From the Chuckle Hut to Good Evening.
There are dead ex presidents you're talking Al Franken or
maybe maybe me, and CNN is not going to hire
Al Franken. And guess what, CNN is definitely definitely not
(36:00):
going to hire me. So let us go back back
in time again to Walter Isaacson's office, long before anybody
heard of God damned Elon MUCKs. Back to Walter's office
at CNN and the dear innocent pre deluge days of
August two thousand and one, and when Walter Isaacson was
(36:22):
the president of CNN, after Rees Schoenfeld had been it,
and Bert Reinhardt, whom I worked for, and Tom Johnson,
who I did not but I knew, and Rick Kaplan
who I did work for later, and Walter was before
John Klein who tried to bring me back to CNN
in two thousand and six but got overruled by Jim Walton,
who had been the backup Chiron guy on my CNN
sports cast in nineteen eighty three, and Jim was also president,
(36:43):
and then Jim fired John, and then somebody fired Jim,
and then they brought in Jeff Zooker and he tried
to bring me back in twenty sixteen, and then they
fired him, and then it was Chris licked and then
they fired him. And now I got that British guy
who wants bit a producer because he thought it was funny.
I can't actually recall how long I was in Walter
Isaacson's office that summer day, so long ago. He had
(37:05):
a lot of questions he wanted to ask me, and
he continually referred to my experience mixing humor and serious
coverage in sports, and even right then when I was
filling in for Jeff Greenfield, and the longer I was
in there, the more it seemed like he was leading
up to asking me if I wanted to try it,
and he never asked. And what made that even crazier
(37:27):
was not long after CNN offered me the job of
lead anchor and managing editor at its CNNSI Sports network,
and a different contract as a full time salaried host
and essayist on news and sports for the regular CNN network,
and a third contract, a holding contract, which would really
(37:47):
just be a pre negotiation in case they chose me
from the finalists for their main eight o'clock anchor flagship show.
And it turned out a month later they shuddered CNNSI,
but we did proceed on the anchor essayist contract and
we signed that holding contract. So I had two contracts
(38:08):
with CNN, and then at eight o'clock they never executed
my other contract because they gave the show two Connie
Chung Connie Chung, and then they canceled her show. One
year later. Walter left CNN in January two thousand and three,
and a month later I returned to MSNBC and we
started Countdown. Politics and commentary gradually squeezed out the time
(38:32):
I had devoted to the humor and satire, but originally
Countdown was as much satire as it was controversy. And
one day in two thousand and five, a call was
transferred into my office from one of our guest bookers
who said somebody that they'd tried to get to be
on the show was not going to do it, but
he wanted to talk to me. While he was on
the line, Keith, it's Walter Isaacson. I've been meaning to
(38:55):
call you for a couple of months. I don't know
if you remember this. In fact, I kind of hope
you don't. But in two thousand and one, do you
remember I asked you about doing a newscast with a
comedy element to you, and I must have asked you
about John Stewart, and everybody liked John Stewart, and I
just wanted to say. I watch Countdown every night, and
every night I say to myself, this is exactly the
show I wanted. And the guy was sitting on the
(39:16):
other side of my goddamn desk and I didn't even
see him because I was looking at it backwards, and
I just kicked myself. This is the man who just
fixed the Elon Musk quotes what Walter Isaacson said next
in two thousand and five should be a lesson to
anybody else who wants to try Walter Isaacson's idea from
two thousand and one and claim it is their idea.
(39:40):
You don't get a comedian to do funny news, Walter said,
as if I had not told him this. You get
a newsman who's kind of funny to do news that's
kind of funny. Given the continuing miseries with my throat,
(40:26):
I think I've done pretty well, but I've also done
all the damage I can do here possibly to my throat.
Thank you for listening. Countdown has come to you from
our Studios hiattop the Sports Capsule Building in New York.
Here are the credits. Most of the music arranged, produced
and performed by Brian Ray and John Phillip Schanel. The
countdown musical directors. All orchestration and keyboards by John Phillip Shanel, Guitars,
(40:47):
bass and drums by Brian Ray, produced by Tko Brothers.
Other Beethoven selections have been arranged and performed by the
group No Horns Allowed. Sports music when we have it
is the Alderman theme from ESPN two, written by Mitch
Warren Davis courtesy of ESPN, Inc. Musical comments by Nancy Faust.
The best baseball stadium organist ever. Our announcer today is
my friend, Howard Feineman. Everything else was pretty much my fault.
(41:10):
So that's countdown for this, the nine hundred and eightieth
day since Donald Trump's first attempted coup against the democratically
elected government of the United States. Convict him now while
we still can. Joe, if you're listening, take him up
on the acuity test. It will win you reelection. The
next scheduled countdown is tomorrow. Bulletins as the news warrants
(41:33):
and as my throat permits till then. I'm Keith Olderman.
Good morning, good afternoon, good night, and good luck to
my throat. Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio.
(42:01):
For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
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