July 28, 2023 • 40 mins
EPISODE 256: COUNTDOWN WITH KEITH OLBERMANN
A-Block (1:43) SPECIAL COMMENT: “The boss wanted the server deleted.” WHY would you try to destroy the security video if you didn’t do anything wrong? WHY would you try to destroy the security video if it didn’t PROVE you broke the law? WHY would you move the documents after the government said don’t move the documents, and WHY would you move the documents without remembering that you’d get caught ON security video MOVING the documents, and why when you DID remember that you’d get caught on security video would you then try to destroy the security video and GET CAUGHT TRYING TO DESTROY THE SECURITY VIDEO? Why would you personally launch a plot to destroy the server that seemed to have been good at only one thing – leaving clues.
And oh by the way this is still on top of the espionage. I went to a January 6th Indictment and a Stolen Classified DOCUMENTS Indictment broke out!
It was the cover-up sank Richard Nixon. The cover-up got Bill Clinton impeached. And THIS cover-up – Destroy the Servers, Destroy the Servers, now looks exactly like the Server cover-up Trump accused Hillary Clinton of in 2016, a theme he pounded weekly and daily and hourly and arguably won him the White House. And one thing we can infer from the superseding indictment is that the government has witnesses to whom Trump showed the Mark Milley Iran War document, and has all Trump’s Property Manager’s texts and it looks like it has his IT Guy, Employee 4? He and Employee 5 are testifying against Trump and they have all of Walt Nauta’s messages right down to the SHUSH emoji he used to remind the person he was telling all this to not to tell anybody. (Prosecutor holds up giant blow-up of Nauta text with SHUSH emoji, six feet tall. “Perhaps, Mr. Nauta, THIS will refresh your memory!”)
And let us not forget: the January 6th Indictments are still coming. Today? Beginning of next week? They remain next. POOP EMOJI!
Trump’s guilt is now even more obvious than ever; thus so too is the fact that we are playing Beat The Clock. Is the play now to offer to trade Trump justice and revenge in a disqualification plea deal?
B-Block (22:00) POSTSCRIPTS TO THE NEWS: Maybe Trump had his Property Manager also send the IT guy to fix McConnell. Can he have a look at Feinstein? And while he's at it, maybe he could remove the adult content from Rep. Nancy 'I Skipped Sex To Be Here, Reverend' Mace. (26:30) THE WORST PERSONS IN THE WORLD: The Barbie movie. Now they will ALL BE Barbie Movies. Jonathan Turley suggests Biden might pardon his son and then announce he's not running for re-election. And while Senator Tommy Tuberville is blocking military promotions, The Washington Post reports he's also dragged his own father's honorable military record through the mud by inflating his service in World War 2.
C-Block (33:20) FRIDAYS WITH THURBER: I haven't read this one to you before. It's a delightfully crafted story of the crassest kind of practical joker: "Meet Birdey Doggett."
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. The
Boss wanted the server deleted. Why would you try to
(00:27):
destroy the security video if you didn't do anything wrong
shown on the security video. Why would you try to
destroy the security video if it didn't prove you had
broken the law? Why would you move the documents after
the government said don't move the documents? And why would
(00:50):
you move the documents without remembering that you would get
caught on security video moving the documents? And why when
you did remember that you'd get caught on security video,
would you then try to destroy the security video and
get caught trying to destroy the security video? And why
(01:10):
would you not just move the documents and try to
destroy the video of you moving the documents yourself, but
instead get on the phone with your property manager at
marri Lago for twenty four minutes and ask him to
(01:31):
destroy the video. Only he doesn't know how to destroy
the video, so he has to go ask the IT guy.
And you have to have Walton now to get involved too.
So all of a sudden, the two of them are
literally skulking around the bushes trying to figure this out
and going through tunnels with flashlights looking for security cameras,
and there are four people in this conspiracy on top
of a conspiracy, and how many Trump loyalists does it
(01:54):
take to change a flashlight? The boss wanted the server deleted,
and oh the way, this is on top of the espionage.
If the espionage is too complicated for the jurors, or
the public, or the voters or history, you go back
(02:16):
to the first question, why Donald Trump would you try
to destroy the security video? Why would you bother to
destroy the security video? Why would you risk destroying the
security video if you didn't do anything wrong shown on
the security video. The cover up sank Richard Nixon. The
(02:39):
cover up got Bill Clinton impeached. And this cover up
destroy the servers, destroy the servers, the servers, server, server, server.
It now looks exactly like the server cover up. Trump
accused Hillary Clinton of it in twenty sixteen. A then
(02:59):
he pounded weekly and daily and hourly, and arguably won
him the White House. And it is indelibly etched into
people's opinions of Trump. The word server and Trump are synonymous.
We're now just one reference to bleaching away from a
complete match. And that's just the first cover up. We
(03:24):
only learned about yesterday. The audio appears of Trump quoting
the Mark Millie US military war plans for attacking Iran
and showing them or showing something to publishers Louise Burke
and Kate Hartson, and Trump goes on Fox and indignantly
tell Sean Hannity there was no document. He didn't show
them anything. They're framing me. It was just papers. It's
(03:46):
not a secret document that I have stolen and im
illegally showing to people who have no clearance to even
know it exists, let alone see it. And then you say, oh,
mister Trump, you mean this secret document that we've had
all along and we really only had the time to
develop the charges. Again, you over it because you and
(04:07):
your ambulance chaser attorneys and your Federalist Society judge you
appointed managed to delay the start of our trial by
five months. Thanks for the extra time. And oh, by
the way, we're not coming out and saying this, but
clearly we have the testimony of Louise Burke and Kate Hartson.
It did we mention that on the video tape. We
(04:27):
have all your property managers texts and your IT guy
employee four's testifying for us. He and Employee five are
both testifying against you. And we have all Walt Nauda's messages,
right down to the shush emoji he used to remind
the person he was telling all this too, not to
(04:47):
tell anybody. Prosecutor holds up giant blow up of naw
to text with shush emoji six feet tall. Perhaps mister Nauda,
this will refresh your memory. Sh are there also smiley faces?
Did Walt Nawda use the poop emoji? Two? Did he
(05:11):
use the poop emoji? Last night? Did the latest guy
whose life has been ruined by Trump, Carlos de Oliviera,
the property manager now facing prison time, did he use
the face palm emoji? Or maybe the skull and crossbones emoji?
The boss wanted the server deleted? And oh yeah, we
(05:35):
were supposed to be finished with the document's case. Yesterday
was supposed to be the day Jack Smith and died
of Trump. On the January sixth case Psich more documents
case three more charges for Donnie shocked cat emoji, wide
eyes emoji, Edvard Munk's scream emoji. It's almost as if
(06:00):
they had laid a couple of traps for him. Both
on the attempted destruction of Evan and oh, by the way,
that can carry a jail term of up to twenty years,
and on the Mark Millie Iran document. On the document, first,
make sure he denies it publicly. Make sure he gets indignant.
Make sure he says it doesn't exist. Make sure he's
absolutely painted himself into a corner. Make sure all of
(06:21):
his apologists emphasize that they didn't specifically charge him with
stealing that document, just the other thirty one documents. And
then and only then say all right, we did leave
that out. Thanks for reminding us. Don then give the
indictment back. We'll just use a little carrot mark here.
(06:41):
We'll slip it in on page seventy two on the
security video. Who knows who blinked on that, but employee
four and employee five must have seen the light for
some reason since the original indictment in May. And you
keep reading this saga of the gang that couldn't destroy
(07:03):
servers straight and you say, this guy de oli Vieira
is fifty six years old, and the indictment makes it
clear Trump wasn't sure if he could really trust him.
And he is a far better bet than now to
to turn on Trump because Nowaday is clearly a moron.
But shush emoji, don't tell Walt that. I mean, it's
(07:24):
too good to be true for us to believe that
they announced the superseding indictment on the documents because Trump
sent his lawyers in yesterday to politely threatened Jack Smith that,
as Trump posted, quote, an indictment of me would only
further destroy our country. But it is absolutely plausible that
(07:48):
the timing worked out this way because the lawyers John
Larrow and Todd Blanche asked for the meeting, and yesterday
morning was the time for it. You cannot indict somebody
on charges just hours after his own lawyers go in
to pitch you on not indicting him. It just isn't done,
(08:08):
and it works to the defense's advantage. So that meeting
was the last procedural hurdle before indicting him on January sixth,
charges before the revised marri Lago documents indictments sucked up
all the oxygen. There was a lot of reporting that
(08:29):
the meeting with the Trump lawyers yesterday included a discussion
of logistics, specifically how to handle the possible echoes of
January sixth, when they forced Trump to surrender for indictment
for January sixth, sharp eyed reporters saw Jason Bagshaw at
the Prettyman Courthouse yesterday. He is the DC Metropolitan Police
(08:51):
Department commander who specializes in planning for and handling protests.
Unless he was there because he really likes a restaurant
in the neighborhood. This should eri any doubts that the
Trump January sixth indictments are happening, and happening right soon.
(09:12):
As to how soon, well, if the May timeline is
held to then Smith met with Trump's lawyers on Monday,
and the grand jury did not indict him on its
next scheduled day, Tuesday, It did so on its next
one after that, Thursday. So the January sixth indictments should
be public no later than next Thursday. Hell, they they
(09:34):
could have been handed up yesterday and just held on
to and, as one legal analyst suggested, the prosecutors don't
want to go through the farce of Trump again breaking
the indictment news while they the prosecutors have to honor
the seal on the indictments. When they do reveal the
January sixth indictments, they could just send out a press
release shrug emoji. So I went to a January sixth
(10:01):
indictment in a stolen classified documents indictment broke out. Hey,
As I mentioned before, you now have the original marri
Lago case bolstered by evidence of a plot personally directed
by Trump. I'll say that again, personally directed by Trump,
(10:22):
a plot to destroy incriminating video evidence. And the plot
was apparently good at only one thing, which was leaving
clues all over the place in car load lots. Plus
the Feds have the Mark Milli document and the separate
(10:43):
issue of Trump's loud, angry denials that he had it
when he did have it, And you still have the
original thirty one documents they indicted him over, and you
have the January sixth indictments. And I haven't heard even
one vague guess as to how many charges Trump may
face on January sixth. Could be three, could be seven
(11:05):
hundred and three. And you have the Georgia case, and
you have the New York case, and you may have
another Jack Smith case. And in a vacuum, you would
be looking at Donald Trump going to prison for fifty
lifetimes and his name literally becoming the definition of truly
inept corruption the verb to Trump and his grandchildren changing
(11:26):
their names so they can just get on with their lives.
And sadly, we do not live in a vacuum. We
live in a world which contains all of that evidence
against Trump enough to convict him five hundred times over,
and all of the rank arrogant stupidity of that man
that exists simultaneously with his kind of amoral jungle cleverness,
(11:51):
and where since just last October, polling suggests the percentage
of Republicans who believe he committed a crime with these
documents jumped from nine percent to twenty five percent. In
this real world, we also have Judge Eileen Canon. I
(12:12):
have heard it posited. I have posited it myself that
without the encumbrance of the security clearances for the lawyers,
now increased by the addition of the third defendant, Carlos,
I don't know. I'll ask you, Seal Taveres di Olivera,
the January sixth case could come to trial long before
the document's case comes to trial. Maybe that's true, maybe
(12:35):
that's not true. But I think we need to look
with a more jaundiced eye at what Judge Eileen Canon
did in scheduling the document's trial to begin on May
twentieth of next year, because the date May twentieth of
next year is strictly bullshit. She also issued a schedule
for motions and responses and reports. And the thing has
(12:58):
thirty three deadlines on it before we get to the
trial date. Renewed Section three motion for protective order that
was yesterday. If each deadline is met with a cumulative
delay impacting for each deadline of only one day late.
If that's the case, one day late for each of
(13:20):
the thirty three deadlines, that May twentieth start of the
trial becomes Monday, June twenty fourth, twenty twenty four. If
each deadline had a five day delay, the start of
the trial would be on Wednesday, November one, twenty twenty four.
And if miracle of miracles, there are no delays. If
(13:42):
Judge Canon, you know, judges, what about the appeal? What
is it we need here as a nation? Do we
do you want revenge or do you want to make
(14:03):
sure this monster does not again become president of the
United States? Because if you go for revenge, you are
looking at the very slim possibility that he somehow beats
the rap by getting key evidence excluded, or lord knows
what chicanery, or more simply by delaying and delaying and
(14:24):
delaying until, as you know, in theory, anyway he is
again president and in control of the Department of Justice,
or another Republican is one who could pardon him. I
don't know what the rankings would look like of all
of the Americans who have fought his bastardization of our country,
(14:44):
who have warned of the Pandora's box he would did
open and then did shake out all over our remaining
goodness and decency. The list of the rankings of all
of us who have devoted all or parts of our
lives these eight long years or longer to fighting him.
(15:04):
But I would like to think I might rank low
four digits, mid four digits. I'm number two thousand, four
hundred and seventy five. Maybe I mean I have been
working against Trump one way or the other since I
met him, and that was in nineteen eighty three. And
(15:28):
if we could get an admission of guilt and an
airtight disqualification from public service and public office, and an
airtight exclusion from any pardon or commutation, I'll sign it.
Do I want justice, Yeah, goddamn right, I do. Do
(15:51):
I want him to die in prison? Yes, please, I'll watch.
Do I want revenge? Not proud of this, but yes,
effing sir. And I want none of those things as
much as I want him permanently removed from the leavers
of power of this nation in a way that provides
(16:14):
at least some token warning to the fascist masses who
support him and what he has stood for that ultimately
he did not succeed, and he did not prevail, and
that are very shoddy rumors of law do work at
least enough to stop armageddon? If not, you know, plague,
(16:42):
You pile on the charges. You fill the nation's minds
with the evidence, and you show all the emojis, and
you quote all the boss wanted the surveyor deleteds, and
you prove it, and you prove it, and you prove
it in the court of public opinion. But you do
not let the outcome of an actual trial depend on
the court of public opinion on the election. You cannot
(17:03):
take that risk. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm
almost certain this is academic. I do not think he
is enough of a human being to understand what will
happen to him if he loses. I don't think he
understands that cutting a deal like that would be an
(17:26):
utter victory for him. But as much as it pains me,
I live here, all my friends are here, my family
is here, all my stuff is here, I would like
this country to still exist six years from now. And
(17:48):
if he becomes president again, I'm not sure that's even
a fifty to fifty bet I would offer the deal. Also,
of interest, here you sealed Taveres. Trump's it guy. You
(18:13):
picked a fine time to leave me, you seal. Maybe
you seal. Tavares went to Washington and unglitched Mitch McConnell. Now,
maybe he needs to look at Dianne Feinstein. But what
we know for certain is he does not need to
see if Congresswoman Nancy Mace is working. Because she got
(18:37):
up at a Republican prayer breakfast and started talking about
the sex she didn't have yesterday morning so she could
make it to the prayer breakfast on time. In fact,
what she said was that's next. This is comdown. This
(18:59):
is countdown with Keith Over. Postscripts to the news, some headlines,
some updates, some snark, some predictions, Dateline, Turtle Bay. No
word on Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell whatever caused him
(19:19):
to shut down day before yesterday like a poorly charged iPhone.
There has been no explanation, no follow up, no transparency,
and no degree of the kind of pursuit of this
story by the media that would befall any Democrat. There
was decent reporting on the Mitch McConnell. If you believe
in heavenly vengeance, this is it tour. It turns out
(19:41):
his discovery that gravity is more than just a theory
did not begin with that concussion suffered at a Washington
hotel in March. McConnell also fell in Finland in February
while on the way to the Fiords. Now he was
going to meet that nation's president, but Fiord sounded better,
no apparent injury, but then came the concussion and the
(20:02):
fractured ribs in Washington in March. A third spill also
unreported earlier this month, when he tripped and felt at
National Airport in DC. NBC also reporting he's been going
through airports in wheelchairs. Dateline, The Senate and McConnell may
not be the most troubled sitting senator in the sprawling
sixties Henry Fonda politics movie Advise and Consent. There is
(20:26):
a scene in which an antidiluvian senator is dozing in
the cloakroom when he is awakened by another senator played
by Peter Lawford. They need the sleeping solon for a vote,
and Lawford shakes him to wake him without any preamble.
The senator bolts upright and shouts opposed. Diametrically opposed. Lawford
(20:47):
therefore says no, not yet, senator, and I think you're
in favor. The senator nods and goes back to sleep.
See but that was a movie. This was Senator Dianne
Feinstein in the you know, Senate Senator Feinstein business.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
Pardon me, Yeah, to say, I would like to support
a yes vote on this. It provides eight hundred and
twenty three billion. That's an increase of twenty six billion
for the Department of Defense, and it funds priorities submitted.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Yeah, just say I'm okay, just.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Hi, thank you.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
Just in case you assumed that anybody younger would be
an improvement anybody at all, or would be more responsible
or would just be more I don't know, professional we
have Representative Nancy Mace of South Carolina. I've talked about
her before and I have suggested she has a screw loose.
(22:03):
Little did I know? Oh, and I don't know if
this is what her constituency wants to hear from her.
Maybe it is in public at a prayer breakfast at
a South Carolina State Prayer Breakfast at a Tim Scott,
South Carolina State Prayer Breakfast.
Speaker 3 (22:21):
Another year, another standing room only event. And when I
woke up this morning at seven, I was getting picked
up at seven forty five. Patrick, my fiance tried to
pull me by my waist over this morning at bet
and I was like, no, baby, we don't got time
for that. This morning. I got to get to the
prayer breakfast and I got to be on time and
(22:41):
little tea of mine, but I you know, he can wait,
he's got we got I'll see him later tonight.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
But back to you, Reverend. As the fascist website The
Blaze put it, Nancy Mayce tells audience she declined sex
this morning to show up at a prayer breakfast. Hey,
you know what else I understand, Representative Nancy Mace is
part of this organization that is bi cameral Hey now
(23:27):
still ahead on an all new edition of Countdown Shake
Hands with Bertie Doggett. This is not one of the
most famous of the James Thurber stories, but it is
one of his funniest. Next first time for the daily
roundup of the miss Grints, Morons and Dunning Kruger effects
specimens who constitute today's worst persons in the world. Nancy
(23:48):
Mace not here the Bronze Barbie, Here we go. You
knew this was going to happen. Three hundred and thirty
seven million dollars worldwide the first weekend the movie is out,
and out go all the dramas and the ram and
the comic book films and income movies about dolls. Variety
(24:12):
reports that Lily Collins from Emily in Paris will star
as Polly Pocket in an upcoming movie about that doll.
Lena Dunham will direct. I recognize that those are words
and human names, but I don't really know what they mean.
The Mattel Company also claims films are now in development
(24:32):
for Barney Thomas and Friends and American Girl, and my
sources say American Girl will be directed by Scorsese, The
runner up Jonathan Turley my god, I can't figure out
what happened to this man, brain injury or blackmail, but
he's topped himself or bottomed, I'm unclear on the terminology.
Turley has written a piece for this disastrous new news
(24:54):
website called The Messenger, which postulates that I'll just quote him.
With the debacle in Delaware, there remains the ultimate break
that glas as option for the Bidens, the president could
pardon his son and then announce that he will not
run for reelection unquote. This is how far down the
(25:16):
rabbit hole previously intelligence people who have become infected with
conservatism find themselves going. Not only does John Turley have
to wore himself out to serve this mirror image world
in which the figurative parking meter violations of the Bidens
are worse than the figurative mass murders of the Trumps,
(25:37):
but he now is part of this borg that actually
believes Biden's son would need a pardon and he has
some reason to not run for reelection. And as to Turtley,
as Hockey's Dino Cicarelli once said about the on ice
thug Claude Lemieux, I can't believe I shook this guy's frigginhand.
(25:58):
But our winner, Senator Tommy Tubberville of Alabama, the man
blocking every promotion in the military over his culture Wars.
Turns out he's simultaneously continuing to gas light and boast
about how his daddy won the Second World War. Guess
what Senator's doing a little lying, working as best as
it can around the fact that virtually all official US
(26:20):
military World War II personnel records were destroyed in a
fire in the fifties. The Washington Post reports that at best,
Tuberville has wildly exaggerated what his father actually did during
the war. The senator frequently claims his father lied about
his age and went into the army at the age
of sixteen, But the elder Tubberville, Charles Tuberville's draft registration
(26:41):
card still exists. He submitted it on July sixteenth, nineteen
forty three, his eighteenth birthday. Senator Tuberville says his father
was a tank commander. The Post says that is quote dubious.
The man's own tombstone says his highest rank was technician
fifth grade. Tech fives sometimes drove tanks, they did not
command them. Sergeants commanded them. Tuberville says his father was
(27:04):
part of D Day, that, of course, was on June fifth,
nineteen forty four. The Post finds a contemporary newspaper report
that says Charles Tuberville had been in Europe since June seventh,
nineteen forty four. Tuberville says his father won five bronze Stars.
The Post notes that the most decorated soldier of World
War II, Audie Murphy, was awarded two silver stars and
(27:26):
two bronze stars. The Post says there is evidence Tuberville's
father won Bronze Service Stars, which were given to every
member in a company present during a campaign or engagement,
but those are not Bronze Stars and gaudiest of all.
Tommy Tuberville insists his daddy drove a tank into Paris
(27:46):
as American troops liberated the city, which would have been
a neat trick. On that day, August twenty ninth, nineteen
forty four, American tanks drove down the Champs Ely's, and
Tommy Tuberville's dad was with the ninth Armored Division, crossing
the Marn ninety miles north of Paris. Yes, unless he
took it for a joy ride. He did not help
(28:09):
liberate Paris. So whatever you think of Tommy Tubberville, just
remember he's worse than that. To feed his own ego,
he has dragged his late father's honorable military record through
the mud and generously exaggerated it. Senator Tommy Tuberville fraud
(28:30):
lying about his father. Today's worst person. And I believe
the first time I ever heard James Thurber read aloud,
(28:53):
it was by William Windham, the great actor who did
so much serious stuff drama, comedy. He's a Star Trek
Original series key figure. He did a lot of great
acting in so many different roles. And he did a
special on PBS when I was in college in which
(29:13):
he performed as James Thurber, narrated some of the drawings,
recited from memory, many of the short stories and many
of the longer ones too, And I later had the
pleasure of telling him that he was my inspiration for
reading James Thurber aloud, and we corresponded about how to
possibly improve some of the diceier parts of some of
(29:35):
the Thurber stories and make them useful for twenty first
century America. Mister Wyndham died about ten years ago, and
I lament him still I recorded on tape his Theurber
Special on PBS, and I still have it, not videotape, audiotape,
a cassette. We didn't have home videotape, although I'm proud
(29:55):
to say he sent me a copy of a DVD
of the performance, and one of the stories he reads,
or in fact recites, I will now read for you
it is. I like it very much. It's not considered
part of the great canon of James Thurber, but I
think it's terrific. And it's called Shake Hands with Bertie
(30:16):
Dogget by James Thurber. John Bertie dogget known as Bertie
to the few people who speak to him, must be
fifty three now, but he wears his years with a smirk,
and he has as bad a practical joker as ever.
Other American cutups in the Grand Tradition began to disappear
(30:37):
in October nineteen twenty nine, and they are as hard
to find now as bison. But Doggett's waggishness has no calendar.
You must have run into him at some party or other.
He's the man whose right hand comes off when you
try to shake it. The late George Bancroft once pulled
that gag in a movie, But that was so long
ago the picture must be a cherished item in the
(30:59):
Museum of Modern Arts Film Library even now. When everybody
else was running the gamut of bomb fear from A
to H. Birdie Doggett was at Grand Central with one
roller skate, which he managed to attach to the shoe
of a man sleeping on a bench. When the fellow
woke and stood up, He described a brief, desperate semi
(31:23):
circle clutched a woman shopper about the knees, dragged her
and her bundles to the cold floor, and was attacked
by her muzzled Scottie Dogged, as always, was the first
to lend the hand, helping the woman to her feet,
and then turning to the man, where the hell's your
other skate? He demanded, sharply, that's what caused all this trouble.
(31:44):
He took his skate off the victim's foot and disappeared
into the crowd that had begun to gather. What's the
matter over there, a small man asked him apprehensively. Dogget shrugged, Uh.
They found a woman with a ticking package, he said.
The other man turned and left the station, missing the train.
He had told his wife he would take. Doggett's pranks
(32:06):
usually have the effect of involving people on their far edges,
one of two of whom have been divorced as a result.
A publisher I know thinks Dogget would make a good story.
I disagree, because I don't think there's anything good about
the fellow, but I have done some checking up on
him out of force of habit. His father, the late
(32:27):
Carol Lamb Dogget, was a Methodist minister, and his mother
was a witch, born Ata June Birdie. When her son
was only ten, she taught him how to set stranger's
umbrellas on fire. After an April shower, she would sally
forth with the little Helion. They lived in Dayton in
search of a citizen with a floppy umbrella. After an
(32:49):
April shower, Dayton men lower their umbrellas without bothering to
roll them. Missus Dogget would hunt until she found a
man waiting for a street car, his umbrella sagging open
at his side. She would then surreptitiously fill the umbrella
with paper, several dozen kitchen matches, and perhaps one or
two ping pong balls. As the street car approached, she
(33:12):
would drop a lighted match into the umbrella. Now, hell
hath no dismay like that of a gentleman whose wet
umbrella suddenly bursts into flame. Instead of rolling the thing
to smother the blaze or simply throwing it away, nine
out of ten men, according to Dogget's statistics, will flail
(33:35):
it around in the air, thus increasing the conflagration. Many
of Missus Doggett's victims were arrested for disturbing the peace
or for arson. Bertie Doggett has never been much interested
in the exasperating paraphernalia of the trick and puzzle shops.
He still uses the wax hand, and he has tried
(33:56):
out dribble glasses, whoopee cushions, the foul smelling stuff you
put on chair bottoms to make people think they've just
sat on a lighted cigarette, and other such juvenile props.
But they never got a real hold on his fancy.
He likes the elaborate rib involving a lot of people,
the more the better. He will take a sackful of
(34:19):
cold poached eggs to some crowded Fifth Avenue store at
Christmas time and slip them one at a time into
the pockets of shoppers husbands, and he dreams of bumping
into a woman visitor in the ancient glass and crystal
room of some museum, dropping an ordinary table tumbler on
the tile floor, and sobbing. Sweet God, lady, you have
(34:42):
broken the sacred chalice of King Alexander and making her
believe it. He has pulled this gag over and over
since nineteen twenty four, but never successfully, with the result
that he has appeared sixteen times in Jefferson Market Court
alone on charges of disturbing the peace, jostling, and molestation.
(35:05):
What dogget probably enjoys more than anything else is following
a couple of women along Fifth Avenue or Madison, keeping
discreetly out of sight but well within earshot, until he
hears one of the two ladies call the other by name.
He says that women are fond of using each other's
full name, as in Lie Miriam Shirtle, I never heard
(35:27):
of such a thing in all my born days. As
soon as miss shirtle let us say has thus been
fully identified, Doggett will walk briskly ahead for several blocks
and then retrace his steps. This soon brings him face
to face with his quarry, upon whom he will pounce
with a delighted why, Miriam Shirtle, fancy meeting you here
(35:48):
uncross those lovely eyes and tell me I have been
a young woman he wants accosted like this in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania,
asked him to her house for cocktails in the hope
that some member of her family would know who he was,
but nobody was home. His hostess turned out to be
a bore, so Bertie put knockout drops in her second martini,
(36:10):
and after she had passed out, he stole a marble
plaque of Kitchener from her mother's room and he went away.
The next day it arrived at the Shirtles, beautifully wrapped
and bearing a card with the simple legend Merry Christmas
from the President of the United States. John Bertie Doggett
(36:34):
married a tapioca brain one afternoon twenty years ago, possibly
because he had lost a bet nobody knows. He took
her to his house and told her to wait in
the living room while he went upstairs and quieted his
two great danes. He put a record of a dog
fight on a phonograph he kept in his bedroom, and
slipped quietly out the back door. At three in the morning,
(36:57):
he showed up in the living room with two match players,
Lou Gettling and Vic Talbot. Who's this, disconsolate female Talbot
demanded fairly, using an incurable antipathy to games of chance
and cunning, The bride drew herself up stiffly. I am
Missus John Bertie Doggett, she said, striving for a outeur.
(37:23):
The name will not sustain. I forgot about her wind Doggett.
After all, we haven't been married twenty or thirty years.
I've only been married eleven hours. Missus Doggett. The former
Ann Keley, went home to her mother, Missus Paul W. Coeley,
and never saw Bertie again. I join her in the
(37:43):
fervent hope that he may someday choke on his candied
dice and pass forever out of our consciousness. He is
a hard man to forget, though. I never start to
get out of a chair no matter where I am,
without glancing at my shoes to see if I am
wearing one roller skate and feeling in my pockets old
(38:06):
cold eggs. Meet Bertie Doggett by James Thurber. I've done
(38:27):
all the damage I can do here. Thank you for listening.
Here are the credits. Most of the music was arranged,
produced and performed by Brian Ray and John Phillip Schanel,
who are the Countdown musical directors. All orchestration and keyboards
by John Phillip Shanel, Guitars, bass and drums by Brian Ray,
produced by Tko Brothers. James Thurber's works are copyright James
Thurber and the James Thurber Literary Trust and appear here
(38:49):
courtesy of the fine folks over there and James Berber's daughter.
Other Beethoven selections have been arranged and performed by No
Horns Aloud. The sports music is the Olderman theme from
ESPN two, which was written by Mitch Warren Davis Curtesy
of ESPN, Inc. Musical comments by Nancy Fauss, the best
baseball stadium organist ever. Our announcer today, out of our
(39:09):
set of wonderful announcers, was my friend Stevie van zandt
and everything else is pretty much my fault. Remember. Countdown
now also available on YouTube. Nobody knows why that's countdown?
For this the nine hundred and thirty fourth days since
Donald Trump's first attempted coup against the democratically elected government.
Of the United States arrest him again while we still can.
(39:30):
Would today be convenient? The next scheduled countdown is Monday
bulletins as the news warrant still then on Keith Olderman
good Morning, good afternoon, goodnight, and good luck. Countdown with
(39:58):
Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts
from iHeartRadio, visit the ihear art Radio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts.
Countdown with Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. The
Boss wanted the server deleted. Why would you try to
(00:27):
destroy the security video if you didn't do anything wrong
shown on the security video. Why would you try to
destroy the security video if it didn't prove you had
broken the law? Why would you move the documents after
the government said don't move the documents? And why would
(00:50):
you move the documents without remembering that you would get
caught on security video moving the documents? And why when
you did remember that you'd get caught on security video,
would you then try to destroy the security video and
get caught trying to destroy the security video? And why
(01:10):
would you not just move the documents and try to
destroy the video of you moving the documents yourself, but
instead get on the phone with your property manager at
marri Lago for twenty four minutes and ask him to
(01:31):
destroy the video. Only he doesn't know how to destroy
the video, so he has to go ask the IT guy.
And you have to have Walton now to get involved too.
So all of a sudden, the two of them are
literally skulking around the bushes trying to figure this out
and going through tunnels with flashlights looking for security cameras,
and there are four people in this conspiracy on top
of a conspiracy, and how many Trump loyalists does it
(01:54):
take to change a flashlight? The boss wanted the server deleted,
and oh the way, this is on top of the espionage.
If the espionage is too complicated for the jurors, or
the public, or the voters or history, you go back
(02:16):
to the first question, why Donald Trump would you try
to destroy the security video? Why would you bother to
destroy the security video? Why would you risk destroying the
security video if you didn't do anything wrong shown on
the security video. The cover up sank Richard Nixon. The
(02:39):
cover up got Bill Clinton impeached. And this cover up
destroy the servers, destroy the servers, the servers, server, server, server.
It now looks exactly like the server cover up. Trump
accused Hillary Clinton of it in twenty sixteen. A then
(02:59):
he pounded weekly and daily and hourly, and arguably won
him the White House. And it is indelibly etched into
people's opinions of Trump. The word server and Trump are synonymous.
We're now just one reference to bleaching away from a
complete match. And that's just the first cover up. We
(03:24):
only learned about yesterday. The audio appears of Trump quoting
the Mark Millie US military war plans for attacking Iran
and showing them or showing something to publishers Louise Burke
and Kate Hartson, and Trump goes on Fox and indignantly
tell Sean Hannity there was no document. He didn't show
them anything. They're framing me. It was just papers. It's
(03:46):
not a secret document that I have stolen and im
illegally showing to people who have no clearance to even
know it exists, let alone see it. And then you say, oh,
mister Trump, you mean this secret document that we've had
all along and we really only had the time to
develop the charges. Again, you over it because you and
(04:07):
your ambulance chaser attorneys and your Federalist Society judge you
appointed managed to delay the start of our trial by
five months. Thanks for the extra time. And oh, by
the way, we're not coming out and saying this, but
clearly we have the testimony of Louise Burke and Kate Hartson.
It did we mention that on the video tape. We
(04:27):
have all your property managers texts and your IT guy
employee four's testifying for us. He and Employee five are
both testifying against you. And we have all Walt Nauda's messages,
right down to the shush emoji he used to remind
the person he was telling all this too, not to
(04:47):
tell anybody. Prosecutor holds up giant blow up of naw
to text with shush emoji six feet tall. Perhaps mister Nauda,
this will refresh your memory. Sh are there also smiley faces?
Did Walt Nawda use the poop emoji? Two? Did he
(05:11):
use the poop emoji? Last night? Did the latest guy
whose life has been ruined by Trump, Carlos de Oliviera,
the property manager now facing prison time, did he use
the face palm emoji? Or maybe the skull and crossbones emoji?
The boss wanted the server deleted? And oh yeah, we
(05:35):
were supposed to be finished with the document's case. Yesterday
was supposed to be the day Jack Smith and died
of Trump. On the January sixth case Psich more documents
case three more charges for Donnie shocked cat emoji, wide
eyes emoji, Edvard Munk's scream emoji. It's almost as if
(06:00):
they had laid a couple of traps for him. Both
on the attempted destruction of Evan and oh, by the way,
that can carry a jail term of up to twenty years,
and on the Mark Millie Iran document. On the document, first,
make sure he denies it publicly. Make sure he gets indignant.
Make sure he says it doesn't exist. Make sure he's
absolutely painted himself into a corner. Make sure all of
(06:21):
his apologists emphasize that they didn't specifically charge him with
stealing that document, just the other thirty one documents. And
then and only then say all right, we did leave
that out. Thanks for reminding us. Don then give the
indictment back. We'll just use a little carrot mark here.
(06:41):
We'll slip it in on page seventy two on the
security video. Who knows who blinked on that, but employee
four and employee five must have seen the light for
some reason since the original indictment in May. And you
keep reading this saga of the gang that couldn't destroy
(07:03):
servers straight and you say, this guy de oli Vieira
is fifty six years old, and the indictment makes it
clear Trump wasn't sure if he could really trust him.
And he is a far better bet than now to
to turn on Trump because Nowaday is clearly a moron.
But shush emoji, don't tell Walt that. I mean, it's
(07:24):
too good to be true for us to believe that
they announced the superseding indictment on the documents because Trump
sent his lawyers in yesterday to politely threatened Jack Smith that,
as Trump posted, quote, an indictment of me would only
further destroy our country. But it is absolutely plausible that
(07:48):
the timing worked out this way because the lawyers John
Larrow and Todd Blanche asked for the meeting, and yesterday
morning was the time for it. You cannot indict somebody
on charges just hours after his own lawyers go in
to pitch you on not indicting him. It just isn't done,
(08:08):
and it works to the defense's advantage. So that meeting
was the last procedural hurdle before indicting him on January sixth,
charges before the revised marri Lago documents indictments sucked up
all the oxygen. There was a lot of reporting that
(08:29):
the meeting with the Trump lawyers yesterday included a discussion
of logistics, specifically how to handle the possible echoes of
January sixth, when they forced Trump to surrender for indictment
for January sixth, sharp eyed reporters saw Jason Bagshaw at
the Prettyman Courthouse yesterday. He is the DC Metropolitan Police
(08:51):
Department commander who specializes in planning for and handling protests.
Unless he was there because he really likes a restaurant
in the neighborhood. This should eri any doubts that the
Trump January sixth indictments are happening, and happening right soon.
(09:12):
As to how soon, well, if the May timeline is
held to then Smith met with Trump's lawyers on Monday,
and the grand jury did not indict him on its
next scheduled day, Tuesday, It did so on its next
one after that, Thursday. So the January sixth indictments should
be public no later than next Thursday. Hell, they they
(09:34):
could have been handed up yesterday and just held on
to and, as one legal analyst suggested, the prosecutors don't
want to go through the farce of Trump again breaking
the indictment news while they the prosecutors have to honor
the seal on the indictments. When they do reveal the
January sixth indictments, they could just send out a press
release shrug emoji. So I went to a January sixth
(10:01):
indictment in a stolen classified documents indictment broke out. Hey,
As I mentioned before, you now have the original marri
Lago case bolstered by evidence of a plot personally directed
by Trump. I'll say that again, personally directed by Trump,
(10:22):
a plot to destroy incriminating video evidence. And the plot
was apparently good at only one thing, which was leaving
clues all over the place in car load lots. Plus
the Feds have the Mark Milli document and the separate
(10:43):
issue of Trump's loud, angry denials that he had it
when he did have it, And you still have the
original thirty one documents they indicted him over, and you
have the January sixth indictments. And I haven't heard even
one vague guess as to how many charges Trump may
face on January sixth. Could be three, could be seven
(11:05):
hundred and three. And you have the Georgia case, and
you have the New York case, and you may have
another Jack Smith case. And in a vacuum, you would
be looking at Donald Trump going to prison for fifty
lifetimes and his name literally becoming the definition of truly
inept corruption the verb to Trump and his grandchildren changing
(11:26):
their names so they can just get on with their lives.
And sadly, we do not live in a vacuum. We
live in a world which contains all of that evidence
against Trump enough to convict him five hundred times over,
and all of the rank arrogant stupidity of that man
that exists simultaneously with his kind of amoral jungle cleverness,
(11:51):
and where since just last October, polling suggests the percentage
of Republicans who believe he committed a crime with these
documents jumped from nine percent to twenty five percent. In
this real world, we also have Judge Eileen Canon. I
(12:12):
have heard it posited. I have posited it myself that
without the encumbrance of the security clearances for the lawyers,
now increased by the addition of the third defendant, Carlos,
I don't know. I'll ask you, Seal Taveres di Olivera,
the January sixth case could come to trial long before
the document's case comes to trial. Maybe that's true, maybe
(12:35):
that's not true. But I think we need to look
with a more jaundiced eye at what Judge Eileen Canon
did in scheduling the document's trial to begin on May
twentieth of next year, because the date May twentieth of
next year is strictly bullshit. She also issued a schedule
for motions and responses and reports. And the thing has
(12:58):
thirty three deadlines on it before we get to the
trial date. Renewed Section three motion for protective order that
was yesterday. If each deadline is met with a cumulative
delay impacting for each deadline of only one day late.
If that's the case, one day late for each of
(13:20):
the thirty three deadlines, that May twentieth start of the
trial becomes Monday, June twenty fourth, twenty twenty four. If
each deadline had a five day delay, the start of
the trial would be on Wednesday, November one, twenty twenty four.
And if miracle of miracles, there are no delays. If
(13:42):
Judge Canon, you know, judges, what about the appeal? What
is it we need here as a nation? Do we
do you want revenge or do you want to make
(14:03):
sure this monster does not again become president of the
United States? Because if you go for revenge, you are
looking at the very slim possibility that he somehow beats
the rap by getting key evidence excluded, or lord knows
what chicanery, or more simply by delaying and delaying and
(14:24):
delaying until, as you know, in theory, anyway he is
again president and in control of the Department of Justice,
or another Republican is one who could pardon him. I
don't know what the rankings would look like of all
of the Americans who have fought his bastardization of our country,
(14:44):
who have warned of the Pandora's box he would did
open and then did shake out all over our remaining
goodness and decency. The list of the rankings of all
of us who have devoted all or parts of our
lives these eight long years or longer to fighting him.
(15:04):
But I would like to think I might rank low
four digits, mid four digits. I'm number two thousand, four
hundred and seventy five. Maybe I mean I have been
working against Trump one way or the other since I
met him, and that was in nineteen eighty three. And
(15:28):
if we could get an admission of guilt and an
airtight disqualification from public service and public office, and an
airtight exclusion from any pardon or commutation, I'll sign it.
Do I want justice, Yeah, goddamn right, I do. Do
(15:51):
I want him to die in prison? Yes, please, I'll watch.
Do I want revenge? Not proud of this, but yes,
effing sir. And I want none of those things as
much as I want him permanently removed from the leavers
of power of this nation in a way that provides
(16:14):
at least some token warning to the fascist masses who
support him and what he has stood for that ultimately
he did not succeed, and he did not prevail, and
that are very shoddy rumors of law do work at
least enough to stop armageddon? If not, you know, plague,
(16:42):
You pile on the charges. You fill the nation's minds
with the evidence, and you show all the emojis, and
you quote all the boss wanted the surveyor deleteds, and
you prove it, and you prove it, and you prove
it in the court of public opinion. But you do
not let the outcome of an actual trial depend on
the court of public opinion on the election. You cannot
(17:03):
take that risk. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm
almost certain this is academic. I do not think he
is enough of a human being to understand what will
happen to him if he loses. I don't think he
understands that cutting a deal like that would be an
(17:26):
utter victory for him. But as much as it pains me,
I live here, all my friends are here, my family
is here, all my stuff is here, I would like
this country to still exist six years from now. And
(17:48):
if he becomes president again, I'm not sure that's even
a fifty to fifty bet I would offer the deal. Also,
of interest, here you sealed Taveres. Trump's it guy. You
(18:13):
picked a fine time to leave me, you seal. Maybe
you seal. Tavares went to Washington and unglitched Mitch McConnell. Now,
maybe he needs to look at Dianne Feinstein. But what
we know for certain is he does not need to
see if Congresswoman Nancy Mace is working. Because she got
(18:37):
up at a Republican prayer breakfast and started talking about
the sex she didn't have yesterday morning so she could
make it to the prayer breakfast on time. In fact,
what she said was that's next. This is comdown. This
(18:59):
is countdown with Keith Over. Postscripts to the news, some headlines,
some updates, some snark, some predictions, Dateline, Turtle Bay. No
word on Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell whatever caused him
(19:19):
to shut down day before yesterday like a poorly charged iPhone.
There has been no explanation, no follow up, no transparency,
and no degree of the kind of pursuit of this
story by the media that would befall any Democrat. There
was decent reporting on the Mitch McConnell. If you believe
in heavenly vengeance, this is it tour. It turns out
(19:41):
his discovery that gravity is more than just a theory
did not begin with that concussion suffered at a Washington
hotel in March. McConnell also fell in Finland in February
while on the way to the Fiords. Now he was
going to meet that nation's president, but Fiord sounded better,
no apparent injury, but then came the concussion and the
(20:02):
fractured ribs in Washington in March. A third spill also
unreported earlier this month, when he tripped and felt at
National Airport in DC. NBC also reporting he's been going
through airports in wheelchairs. Dateline, The Senate and McConnell may
not be the most troubled sitting senator in the sprawling
sixties Henry Fonda politics movie Advise and Consent. There is
(20:26):
a scene in which an antidiluvian senator is dozing in
the cloakroom when he is awakened by another senator played
by Peter Lawford. They need the sleeping solon for a vote,
and Lawford shakes him to wake him without any preamble.
The senator bolts upright and shouts opposed. Diametrically opposed. Lawford
(20:47):
therefore says no, not yet, senator, and I think you're
in favor. The senator nods and goes back to sleep.
See but that was a movie. This was Senator Dianne
Feinstein in the you know, Senate Senator Feinstein business.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
Pardon me, Yeah, to say, I would like to support
a yes vote on this. It provides eight hundred and
twenty three billion. That's an increase of twenty six billion
for the Department of Defense, and it funds priorities submitted.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Yeah, just say I'm okay, just.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Hi, thank you.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
Just in case you assumed that anybody younger would be
an improvement anybody at all, or would be more responsible
or would just be more I don't know, professional we
have Representative Nancy Mace of South Carolina. I've talked about
her before and I have suggested she has a screw loose.
(22:03):
Little did I know? Oh, and I don't know if
this is what her constituency wants to hear from her.
Maybe it is in public at a prayer breakfast at
a South Carolina State Prayer Breakfast at a Tim Scott,
South Carolina State Prayer Breakfast.
Speaker 3 (22:21):
Another year, another standing room only event. And when I
woke up this morning at seven, I was getting picked
up at seven forty five. Patrick, my fiance tried to
pull me by my waist over this morning at bet
and I was like, no, baby, we don't got time
for that. This morning. I got to get to the
prayer breakfast and I got to be on time and
(22:41):
little tea of mine, but I you know, he can wait,
he's got we got I'll see him later tonight.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
But back to you, Reverend. As the fascist website The
Blaze put it, Nancy Mayce tells audience she declined sex
this morning to show up at a prayer breakfast. Hey,
you know what else I understand, Representative Nancy Mace is
part of this organization that is bi cameral Hey now
(23:27):
still ahead on an all new edition of Countdown Shake
Hands with Bertie Doggett. This is not one of the
most famous of the James Thurber stories, but it is
one of his funniest. Next first time for the daily
roundup of the miss Grints, Morons and Dunning Kruger effects
specimens who constitute today's worst persons in the world. Nancy
(23:48):
Mace not here the Bronze Barbie, Here we go. You
knew this was going to happen. Three hundred and thirty
seven million dollars worldwide the first weekend the movie is out,
and out go all the dramas and the ram and
the comic book films and income movies about dolls. Variety
(24:12):
reports that Lily Collins from Emily in Paris will star
as Polly Pocket in an upcoming movie about that doll.
Lena Dunham will direct. I recognize that those are words
and human names, but I don't really know what they mean.
The Mattel Company also claims films are now in development
(24:32):
for Barney Thomas and Friends and American Girl, and my
sources say American Girl will be directed by Scorsese, The
runner up Jonathan Turley my god, I can't figure out
what happened to this man, brain injury or blackmail, but
he's topped himself or bottomed, I'm unclear on the terminology.
Turley has written a piece for this disastrous new news
(24:54):
website called The Messenger, which postulates that I'll just quote him.
With the debacle in Delaware, there remains the ultimate break
that glas as option for the Bidens, the president could
pardon his son and then announce that he will not
run for reelection unquote. This is how far down the
(25:16):
rabbit hole previously intelligence people who have become infected with
conservatism find themselves going. Not only does John Turley have
to wore himself out to serve this mirror image world
in which the figurative parking meter violations of the Bidens
are worse than the figurative mass murders of the Trumps,
(25:37):
but he now is part of this borg that actually
believes Biden's son would need a pardon and he has
some reason to not run for reelection. And as to Turtley,
as Hockey's Dino Cicarelli once said about the on ice
thug Claude Lemieux, I can't believe I shook this guy's frigginhand.
(25:58):
But our winner, Senator Tommy Tubberville of Alabama, the man
blocking every promotion in the military over his culture Wars.
Turns out he's simultaneously continuing to gas light and boast
about how his daddy won the Second World War. Guess
what Senator's doing a little lying, working as best as
it can around the fact that virtually all official US
(26:20):
military World War II personnel records were destroyed in a
fire in the fifties. The Washington Post reports that at best,
Tuberville has wildly exaggerated what his father actually did during
the war. The senator frequently claims his father lied about
his age and went into the army at the age
of sixteen, But the elder Tubberville, Charles Tuberville's draft registration
(26:41):
card still exists. He submitted it on July sixteenth, nineteen
forty three, his eighteenth birthday. Senator Tuberville says his father
was a tank commander. The Post says that is quote dubious.
The man's own tombstone says his highest rank was technician
fifth grade. Tech fives sometimes drove tanks, they did not
command them. Sergeants commanded them. Tuberville says his father was
(27:04):
part of D Day, that, of course, was on June fifth,
nineteen forty four. The Post finds a contemporary newspaper report
that says Charles Tuberville had been in Europe since June seventh,
nineteen forty four. Tuberville says his father won five bronze Stars.
The Post notes that the most decorated soldier of World
War II, Audie Murphy, was awarded two silver stars and
(27:26):
two bronze stars. The Post says there is evidence Tuberville's
father won Bronze Service Stars, which were given to every
member in a company present during a campaign or engagement,
but those are not Bronze Stars and gaudiest of all.
Tommy Tuberville insists his daddy drove a tank into Paris
(27:46):
as American troops liberated the city, which would have been
a neat trick. On that day, August twenty ninth, nineteen
forty four, American tanks drove down the Champs Ely's, and
Tommy Tuberville's dad was with the ninth Armored Division, crossing
the Marn ninety miles north of Paris. Yes, unless he
took it for a joy ride. He did not help
(28:09):
liberate Paris. So whatever you think of Tommy Tubberville, just
remember he's worse than that. To feed his own ego,
he has dragged his late father's honorable military record through
the mud and generously exaggerated it. Senator Tommy Tuberville fraud
(28:30):
lying about his father. Today's worst person. And I believe
the first time I ever heard James Thurber read aloud,
(28:53):
it was by William Windham, the great actor who did
so much serious stuff drama, comedy. He's a Star Trek
Original series key figure. He did a lot of great
acting in so many different roles. And he did a
special on PBS when I was in college in which
(29:13):
he performed as James Thurber, narrated some of the drawings,
recited from memory, many of the short stories and many
of the longer ones too, And I later had the
pleasure of telling him that he was my inspiration for
reading James Thurber aloud, and we corresponded about how to
possibly improve some of the diceier parts of some of
(29:35):
the Thurber stories and make them useful for twenty first
century America. Mister Wyndham died about ten years ago, and
I lament him still I recorded on tape his Theurber
Special on PBS, and I still have it, not videotape, audiotape,
a cassette. We didn't have home videotape, although I'm proud
(29:55):
to say he sent me a copy of a DVD
of the performance, and one of the stories he reads,
or in fact recites, I will now read for you
it is. I like it very much. It's not considered
part of the great canon of James Thurber, but I
think it's terrific. And it's called Shake Hands with Bertie
(30:16):
Dogget by James Thurber. John Bertie dogget known as Bertie
to the few people who speak to him, must be
fifty three now, but he wears his years with a smirk,
and he has as bad a practical joker as ever.
Other American cutups in the Grand Tradition began to disappear
(30:37):
in October nineteen twenty nine, and they are as hard
to find now as bison. But Doggett's waggishness has no calendar.
You must have run into him at some party or other.
He's the man whose right hand comes off when you
try to shake it. The late George Bancroft once pulled
that gag in a movie, But that was so long
ago the picture must be a cherished item in the
(30:59):
Museum of Modern Arts Film Library even now. When everybody
else was running the gamut of bomb fear from A
to H. Birdie Doggett was at Grand Central with one
roller skate, which he managed to attach to the shoe
of a man sleeping on a bench. When the fellow
woke and stood up, He described a brief, desperate semi
(31:23):
circle clutched a woman shopper about the knees, dragged her
and her bundles to the cold floor, and was attacked
by her muzzled Scottie Dogged, as always, was the first
to lend the hand, helping the woman to her feet,
and then turning to the man, where the hell's your
other skate? He demanded, sharply, that's what caused all this trouble.
(31:44):
He took his skate off the victim's foot and disappeared
into the crowd that had begun to gather. What's the
matter over there, a small man asked him apprehensively. Dogget shrugged, Uh.
They found a woman with a ticking package, he said.
The other man turned and left the station, missing the train.
He had told his wife he would take. Doggett's pranks
(32:06):
usually have the effect of involving people on their far edges,
one of two of whom have been divorced as a result.
A publisher I know thinks Dogget would make a good story.
I disagree, because I don't think there's anything good about
the fellow, but I have done some checking up on
him out of force of habit. His father, the late
(32:27):
Carol Lamb Dogget, was a Methodist minister, and his mother
was a witch, born Ata June Birdie. When her son
was only ten, she taught him how to set stranger's
umbrellas on fire. After an April shower, she would sally
forth with the little Helion. They lived in Dayton in
search of a citizen with a floppy umbrella. After an
(32:49):
April shower, Dayton men lower their umbrellas without bothering to
roll them. Missus Dogget would hunt until she found a
man waiting for a street car, his umbrella sagging open
at his side. She would then surreptitiously fill the umbrella
with paper, several dozen kitchen matches, and perhaps one or
two ping pong balls. As the street car approached, she
(33:12):
would drop a lighted match into the umbrella. Now, hell
hath no dismay like that of a gentleman whose wet
umbrella suddenly bursts into flame. Instead of rolling the thing
to smother the blaze or simply throwing it away, nine
out of ten men, according to Dogget's statistics, will flail
(33:35):
it around in the air, thus increasing the conflagration. Many
of Missus Doggett's victims were arrested for disturbing the peace
or for arson. Bertie Doggett has never been much interested
in the exasperating paraphernalia of the trick and puzzle shops.
He still uses the wax hand, and he has tried
(33:56):
out dribble glasses, whoopee cushions, the foul smelling stuff you
put on chair bottoms to make people think they've just
sat on a lighted cigarette, and other such juvenile props.
But they never got a real hold on his fancy.
He likes the elaborate rib involving a lot of people,
the more the better. He will take a sackful of
(34:19):
cold poached eggs to some crowded Fifth Avenue store at
Christmas time and slip them one at a time into
the pockets of shoppers husbands, and he dreams of bumping
into a woman visitor in the ancient glass and crystal
room of some museum, dropping an ordinary table tumbler on
the tile floor, and sobbing. Sweet God, lady, you have
(34:42):
broken the sacred chalice of King Alexander and making her
believe it. He has pulled this gag over and over
since nineteen twenty four, but never successfully, with the result
that he has appeared sixteen times in Jefferson Market Court
alone on charges of disturbing the peace, jostling, and molestation.
(35:05):
What dogget probably enjoys more than anything else is following
a couple of women along Fifth Avenue or Madison, keeping
discreetly out of sight but well within earshot, until he
hears one of the two ladies call the other by name.
He says that women are fond of using each other's
full name, as in Lie Miriam Shirtle, I never heard
(35:27):
of such a thing in all my born days. As
soon as miss shirtle let us say has thus been
fully identified, Doggett will walk briskly ahead for several blocks
and then retrace his steps. This soon brings him face
to face with his quarry, upon whom he will pounce
with a delighted why, Miriam Shirtle, fancy meeting you here
(35:48):
uncross those lovely eyes and tell me I have been
a young woman he wants accosted like this in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania,
asked him to her house for cocktails in the hope
that some member of her family would know who he was,
but nobody was home. His hostess turned out to be
a bore, so Bertie put knockout drops in her second martini,
(36:10):
and after she had passed out, he stole a marble
plaque of Kitchener from her mother's room and he went away.
The next day it arrived at the Shirtles, beautifully wrapped
and bearing a card with the simple legend Merry Christmas
from the President of the United States. John Bertie Doggett
(36:34):
married a tapioca brain one afternoon twenty years ago, possibly
because he had lost a bet nobody knows. He took
her to his house and told her to wait in
the living room while he went upstairs and quieted his
two great danes. He put a record of a dog
fight on a phonograph he kept in his bedroom, and
slipped quietly out the back door. At three in the morning,
(36:57):
he showed up in the living room with two match players,
Lou Gettling and Vic Talbot. Who's this, disconsolate female Talbot
demanded fairly, using an incurable antipathy to games of chance
and cunning, The bride drew herself up stiffly. I am
Missus John Bertie Doggett, she said, striving for a outeur.
(37:23):
The name will not sustain. I forgot about her wind Doggett.
After all, we haven't been married twenty or thirty years.
I've only been married eleven hours. Missus Doggett. The former
Ann Keley, went home to her mother, Missus Paul W. Coeley,
and never saw Bertie again. I join her in the
(37:43):
fervent hope that he may someday choke on his candied
dice and pass forever out of our consciousness. He is
a hard man to forget, though. I never start to
get out of a chair no matter where I am,
without glancing at my shoes to see if I am
wearing one roller skate and feeling in my pockets old
(38:06):
cold eggs. Meet Bertie Doggett by James Thurber. I've done
(38:27):
all the damage I can do here. Thank you for listening.
Here are the credits. Most of the music was arranged,
produced and performed by Brian Ray and John Phillip Schanel,
who are the Countdown musical directors. All orchestration and keyboards
by John Phillip Shanel, Guitars, bass and drums by Brian Ray,
produced by Tko Brothers. James Thurber's works are copyright James
Thurber and the James Thurber Literary Trust and appear here
(38:49):
courtesy of the fine folks over there and James Berber's daughter.
Other Beethoven selections have been arranged and performed by No
Horns Aloud. The sports music is the Olderman theme from
ESPN two, which was written by Mitch Warren Davis Curtesy
of ESPN, Inc. Musical comments by Nancy Fauss, the best
baseball stadium organist ever. Our announcer today, out of our
(39:09):
set of wonderful announcers, was my friend Stevie van zandt
and everything else is pretty much my fault. Remember. Countdown
now also available on YouTube. Nobody knows why that's countdown?
For this the nine hundred and thirty fourth days since
Donald Trump's first attempted coup against the democratically elected government.
Of the United States arrest him again while we still can.
(39:30):
Would today be convenient? The next scheduled countdown is Monday
bulletins as the news warrant still then on Keith Olderman
good Morning, good afternoon, goodnight, and good luck. Countdown with
(39:58):
Keith Olderman is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts
from iHeartRadio, visit the ihear art Radio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.