April 28, 2023 • 48 mins
This week the girls discuss the importance of retaining independence while in a relationship---what "independence" really means, the reasons you should value it, and the changes it can make in the way you show up for yourself and your partner.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Greedy. Hi, I was gonna do like the greetings loved ones,
but I used to do that all the time.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
I think we've started with that opening fourteen times.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Was saying that I no, like, now we're doing it again.
I think that one conspiracy theory that doesn't exist but
I'm now making up is Katy Perry. Fans like Katy
Perry is like actively like touring and like selling out,
but like I couldn't name a Katy Perry song that
didn't come out in two thousand and seven. Who's selling
her out?
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Now? She's a judge on American Idol, right.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
Yes, I will say I feel like I've seen half
of the season American Idol despite never watching it because
I see it on Instagram or see it on TikTok. Yeah,
and I knew my favorites are vomb no who's competing exactly.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
And I think people are hating on Katy Perry right
now because she told one contestant to stop singing so
theater like and she said to her get the thespian
out of you, and people got really mad at that,
but the person had the theater eyes, and I just
knew that you would agree with Katy Perry because Cindy
said when I sing in my Broadway musical theater way
that I get really big theater eyes, Like how would
(01:24):
you describe that? It's like very wide eyes.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
It's like no one you're like watching theater. I guess
people sing and He's like they're just staring at you.
And you're like where do I look?
Speaker 2 (01:33):
Like?
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Do I look back at them? And do I look away?
No one know you're talking about. But she's right like
stop singing in cursive like Sizza love her, that's my girl.
If someone held a gun to my head or any
actually any other blunt weapon and was like, what did
she just say? I don't know. I said that, you know,
like that's what I know. I don't know the actual words.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Do you know that vine by Trish where he goes
I got tomt Ice in all the Coty.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
That seems like I'd be like, please take a breath.
I can't if I can hear the breathiness of your
breath in my ears, and it's just so uncomfortable, And
like those people are.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
The ones who also talk normally too, you know that
after they're done singing, go go right back having a
normal conversation.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
I'm like, you don't talk like that. Like one of
my favorite singers, Baby Rose, is that her? Yes, that's
her name. I think that's her name. She's not my favorites.
I don't know her name, yes, baby Rose. And like
one of her songs she like goes like and breeze
in the beginning, I have to skip it. It actually, like,
hold on, I have to play for you.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Sidney has a major problem with people chewing and like
chewing gum, chewing food and making noises with their mouths
and saliva and stuff.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
So this checks out, you know, like if I don't
want to hear any salivation happening from you, you know.
But the weird thing is is like I only care
if I'm close to them, like if you're a rando
choo along too happily. But like if we're like close,
like you're a family member of mine, it makes I
can like when you have your headphones so I can
hear her tongue se does that.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
There's this one song of hers, Breathe Me, that I
really like. It's on my Sad Girl playlist and I
listened to it the other day and you can hear
the saliva rearranging in her mouth as she's singing because
she's so close to the microphone like this, and I
actually kind of it's like very asmri. I kind of
like it.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Well, we get to take out the part where I
play the song because copyright.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Yeah, so Sidney did indeed play us the song, but
we can't play it on here because of copyright.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Guess where I learned that law school? I know.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
We also had an old friend who it's not the
same thing, but she used to talk like this. So
yesterday I went to this store Kardashian on crap, what's
it called vocal fry? But I have vocal fry. Sidney,
you have vocal fry. Kardashian has vocal fry. This woman
had I don't even know what to call it, French fry,
Like it was so bad. It sounded like that, like
(03:49):
she was just gargling rocks at all time. And Sydney
and I we used to get so annoyed. We used
to look at each.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Other like, I'm literally live in the valley in LA.
Can't cannot listen to value voices, can't do it, can't
do it so funny.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Oh my god, I want to go see Mulan chans
er your previous question. I went to go see Mulan
Rouge with my mom and if I don't know if
he talked about Derek Kleinna on this podcast, but he's
on my hall pass list, and I saw him on
the stage and we made eye contact and it was
just a really beautiful moment. And that's what I do
when I go to see musical theater or plays.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
I look at the actor a diball but see like
someone's mean that. I'd be like, do I know you?
Speaker 2 (04:30):
Like I want you to get to know. No, I'm
just kidding, guys, I never know. Yeah, And I took
my mom to go see it for the first time,
and she was really amazed as well by the set
design and the songs. Because I don't know if you've
ever been in Mulan Rouge, but I would say, if
you come to visit New York City, if you don't
already live here, if you do already live here and
you need to see another show, Mulan Rouge is so good.
(04:52):
I replaced Phantom of the Opera for me for sure.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
I thought you're talking to me when you're like on
the musine. Now it's like, girl, I literally saw it
with you.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Oh no, no. Last year was so cute. I think we
told this story. But for those of you who aren't
new for my birthday last year, it was the sweetest,
most considerate gift. Sidney surprised me because she knows I
love surprises. She told me we were going to a
influencer event, which was believable, and she even told me
like the name she and just out of pure luck,
I didn't go and look up the brand or do
(05:20):
any research on this.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
Was like, we're going to a dinner stick, Okay, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
And the only question I asked, because we're going to
an influencer dinner, I said, oh, for what brand? Sydney goes, uh,
Tory make something up.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Also, it sounds like a BEACONAUTI brand. She's like, okay, whatever,
And so.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
We get on the subway we go, and we get
out of the train like right in front of this
restaurant and I'm like, oh, is this sick because I
think they were literally having an event, and Syny goes, no,
it's over here. So she takes me around the corner
and there are two theaters on this corner. It's like
the Shakespeare Theater and then the Mulin Rouge Theater, and
I'm looking at both and I'm like, oh, we're gonna
go see a Shakespeare play. Oh, like what a cute surprise.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
But I was kind of like what in my head?
It was literally like the Camelot motel and she's like, ooh,
are we going here? I was like, I'm not taking
you to a motel for your birthday.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Siddy grabs me by the shoulders and go, Sarah, Sarah,
what's across the street? I was like, I started crying.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
It was so cute.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
What was the best birthday surprise you've ever received? Survivor
birthday party?
Speaker 1 (06:17):
I ate that one up. I literally was an hour
late to my own birthday. So okay. My babysitter when
I was a little kid was a event planner period.
I pretty sure her name was Sarah. Actually I mind
made that up. I think it's Sarah. And so she
planned my birthdays for me, and like one year I
had about the Survivor party. One year I had like
a disco party, and like there were records with my
(06:39):
face on them, and like she would melt the records
in the oven and form them into bowls and like
they would eat out the bowls with my face on.
It was giving an icon.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Actually that's crazy.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
I was like five. Imagine my face blown up on
a record and you're like ooh. And then I had
a Survivor birthday party. I was an hour late because
I was getting my hair done naturally, but I went
to literally the Army store and got cargoes like we
were eating up. I had doghouse my name on it
for everyone, like we were eating it up. And I
walked in the Survivor of Ay Disney's Child, and that
was the moment. They were all like WHOA. I was like, yeah,
(07:11):
I've arrived.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
It's all very Leo of you.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
It was I'm a cancer though, but you know, sometimes
you gotta keep them on their toes that make it up.
And we had like a fear I don't know why.
I don't know really know what Survivor was. I'd never
seen the show, but I knew that I liked Camo
and I liked Destney's child, so I was giving a
Survivor naturally, and I had like a fear factor activity
where like we would make like a random food that
(07:35):
there was like one thing was like I know this,
so vividly. It was tuna with whipped cream and cherries
on top, and it was like you get to blindfold
and eat it and if you ate like the whole play,
you got a prize. And the prize was something with
my face. And you know what, like.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
I said, because guess what, Literally that's our motto of
the podcast, you are the prize. I think we've said
that for a time. So it all comes together. It
all is just full circle. So I have a little
before we get started with the topic, a little fun
thing for Sydney and I to do because I keep
bringing it up on the podcast and she keeps saying
what is that? And what is Hogwarts? And what is
(08:10):
Harry Potter? And I don't care because guess what, ninety
nine point nine nine nine percent of people know what their.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
Hogwarts house is. I don't you mind, Slytherin.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
Okay, well we're gonna retake the quiz, no, because I
don't think you know what.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
I agree that.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
You're Slytherin because I'm a Slytherin and I took the
quiz and I literally picked answers that I thought would
get me hufflepuff because I always thought I was a Hufflepuff,
and then I ended up getting Slytherin. Could have been
a fluke, I don't know, but some of them are
very obvious. It's like do you like day or night?
You know, and they probably don't put Slytherin's into the
I love day category, but that's what I chose.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
It's a little fraudulent website because it'd be like be
your answers, sign up. I know exactly what it looks like.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
It's the official account.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
It's like snow owl or not snow Owl. Yeah, I
know how we were talking about. I've taken it a
million times, but I don't know if the answer was.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
So we're gonna do it on the podcast right now,
and it's gonna take five minutes. And I I'm so
excited to get and I'm just waiting for because I
had to make you account.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
I use my own. Even they have these little kids
on here putting their parents' email.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Yeah, exactly, let's get started. It's loading, okay. Pick one,
this is so funny. Pick one's Stars or Moon.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Girl. I don't know moon actually moons. I don't really
see stars in New York.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
Which of the following would you most hate people to
call you ignorant, selfish, ordinary, or cowardly.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Actually all of the bug ignorant. I guess. Oh that's
a good one.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Okay, ignorant, got it. You're so gonna get raven claw.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
Oh she sounds kind of cute.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Raven clothes for the smart people.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
I used to want raven hair so badly, and my
parents something that I was black. No, but like when
you're here, because I already have like pretty dark hair,
but like if it was so black that it looks
a little purple.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Your joke execution is so funny.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
To seriously, did say that.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
You enter an enchanted garden? What would you be most
curious to examine? First?
Speaker 1 (10:06):
I say it one more time?
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Okay, sorry, resay it.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Yes, I didn't hear what you say. You enter it
in you I forgot you're talking to me. Then here,
I'm present, I'm in the moment.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Okay, you enter an enchanted garden. What would you be
most curious to examine? First? Fat red toadstools that appear
to be talking to each other.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
I'm sorry, I was trying. I was trying to get
out of the ass. Actually I actually was swiping out
sip out. That was literally I was listening so much.
Red red toads that seeing yes, yes, that's what you said.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Oh my god, stop, I swear it's only five minutes.
Fat red toadstools that appear to be talking to each other.
So mushroom, Sydney, mushrooms, not toads. The bubbling pool in
the depth of which something illuminous is swirling, the silver
leaved tree bearing golden apples, or the statue of an
old wizard with a strangely twinkling eye.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Hey, well, well I want to be in the garden
by in the first place. Who wrote that? I don't
know rolling, I guess the apples or whatever? The apple one?
Speaker 2 (11:08):
Okay, what nightmare would frighten you most? Standing on top
of something very high and realize nothing was beneath you,
being forced to speak in such a silly voice that
hardly anyone can understand you when everyone laughs at you.
Waking up to find that neither your friends nor your
family have any idea who you are, or an eye
at the keyhole of the dark, windowless room in which
(11:28):
you are locked.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Okay, whatever that was, that's the second to last.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
The waking up to find that neither your friends nor
family know who you are. Yeah, okay, choose a category
to continue cats, toads or owls.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Owls.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
I was about to say, we all know it's not cats.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Definitely not a toad.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
Would you like a barn owl?
Speaker 1 (11:48):
Looks like that?
Speaker 2 (11:50):
Tany you want to snow you how?
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Yeah? Okay, I told you that's one question. I remember.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
If you could have any power, what would you choose.
The power to read minds, the power to change the path,
power of invisibility, power to speak to animals, power of
superhuman strength, or the power to change your appearance at will.
I can become an ig batty m magan or do
you know?
Speaker 1 (12:13):
I know, I don't know if I want to be
able to read minds because then more less men would
waste my time, or if I want to be invisible
so I could pull up and see what was being
said about me. But at the same time, i'dea'll do
that if I could read minds, do I have to
be in the room to read the mind?
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Well? Because I feel like, sometimes you know, you have
dark thoughts that aren't necessarily true. I feel like if
you were invisible, then you could hear what actually gets
filtered out.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
But I didn't even care about that. I care about
what are you thinking about me? Like all these men
that waste my time? Are you waste my time on purpose? Oh?
Speaker 2 (12:46):
And you know right? You know, I guess that would
make sense.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Okay, Yeah, when i'd be like a lawyer, so like
that'd be nice if I could be like, are you
telling the truth? Okay? So to read minds? What was
that the question?
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Yes, yeah, that's a very slitheriny answer. I feel like
you're on the right track. Would you rather be liked, trusted, feared, envied, imitated,
or praised? Do you want to hear those again?
Speaker 1 (13:08):
No? Okay, it's so heart liked. You said liked. So
I feel like in order to be liked, you have
to be trusted.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Tails are heads?
Speaker 1 (13:18):
I don't know. I don't like tails. All Right, here
we go, it's loading.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
I want the sorting hat is ready to make its decision.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Let's see the answer.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
It's it's free.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
You're raven claw.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
I knew what I knew what I knew it I knew.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
Like I said when I asked to get raven hair,
I foresaw this.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Yes, so you can read minds. Now you read the
sorting Hat's mind. See now you know and now I
can rest easy. And now everybody on the podcast knows
what you are.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
That's like my biggest red flag. Actually you and body
called my red flags. But in a way like you
watch her, listen to her, whatever you do. It's Harry Potter.
You read it, Oh true crime. You don't like that.
I'm in at your crime rights adult. That's the big one.
But I still like you. That's good.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
I really appreciate that.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Again, any other place, it's like, oh my god, I
think it's in the same vein. It's like people are
tressed with Elvis or No. Actually, the scariest three types
of people relate to me. People that aress with, Hello, Kitty,
you're a grown adult. People test with Tinkerbell, you're a gun adult.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
But like is a weird one.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
Okay, that one, like I wouldn't even meet a conversation. No.
The third one is, oh, not Tinkerbell, tweety bird.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
I was about to say Tinkerbell is so specific.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Tweety bird, because I don't even know what show that's from.
But people wait, they'll have like on their car staring wheel.
Why it's a bird and out speak makes me comfortable.
People that like Charlie Brown. I can't stand that show.
It actually put.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Wasn't linus ps so cute?
Speaker 1 (14:57):
It's a drawn dog. Me.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Well, if you think about all animation, like they're all
drawn to huh it's a drawn dog. Well that's like
all animation, you know. But like I cried when you know,
Simba's dad died.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Moved as different. He was cute and he was drawn
a little bit better.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
A little bit better.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
That's so funny.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
So how do you feel about your house? Are you
excited to know?
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Do you want to know some qualities? Okay, too bad,
I'm gonna read it to do you anyway. Okay, Wit
learning and wisdom. That totally makes sense. What was the
middle one learning? It's like curious curious minds.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
They had such way. It was wit learning and wisdom,
wit learning and no yeah wait that could have been alliteration.
And they fumbled the bag of wit learning and wisdom. Wait. Cute.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
See this is such a that was such a raven
clothing for you to say its a couple and to
get into the common house in the school. What you
have to do is like a plant I think, asks
you a riddle and you have to solve it in
order to get into your common room.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Took that from Greek mythology. Yeah, they did.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
On our regional they had us sphinx too in one
of the books.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
They're taking these little kids. I feel bad. They could
have been playing with some cars and they're here sorting
and playing whatever that hoop game is. Oh, that's one
people that play that game quidditch. Quidditch. That's weird. You're
an adult. Stop playing with broomsticks. Number three, What are
we talking about?
Speaker 2 (16:22):
You already said you're number three. You said tweety bird,
Hello Kitty.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
And quittle puff and quidditch, But then.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
You also said Peanuts, Charlie Brown.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
So I really four things.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
But there's probably more like if you were a theater kid.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
No, I like the theater, but theater kids though, Oh
actually I kind of. I kind of hung out with
them a little bit.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
They hangs out with the raging one now, so they're adjacent. Yeah,
all right. Finding independence in relationships is the topic that
we have planned for today. You excited because Sidney and
I are both very independent people. So I know one
topic I wanted to bring up that I thought would
be really fun to talk about with you that totally relates.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
To the topic.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
Is that one book that we reviewed in our very
short lasting Book Club. Yeah, it was actually literally one episode.
I think we did a part one and part two,
but still, you know, one full thing. And we read
it on the like notion that it was going to
be very uplifting and inspiring and very like feminist, and
(17:29):
we opened the book and literally upon the first page
we figured out that it was absolutely not like that
at all. I think the book had a good intention,
for sure, but the way they went about it was
in a way that just really rubbed me the wrong way.
If you are a new listener or I mean this
was in what the beginning of last season, so I
(17:49):
would understand if you hadn't listened to this episode, is
that the premise was basically be independent as a woman. Again,
very clear message, very good if you want a husband
or if you want a guy, you know, act independent
to the guy. It was all very like, do all
of these healthy things with the intention of getting a man.
And Cindy and I that entire episode where we reviewed
(18:10):
the book, we felt that that was just not the
right way to go about that message. I'm sure a
lot of women related to it, but it really wasn't
because Cinny and I have this belief where it's like
you should be doing these things and you should be
independent for yourself, for your own well being, not necessarily
to like get a boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
You know. And this might be a very hot take,
And you know what I hate about the word hot
take is when I preface anything with that, the take
is very lukewarm. However, I think in light of this book,
and the book is why men love Batchaz as well
as just like general t talk advice, and we have
a whole episode on like how toxic that dating advice
(18:47):
geared towards women is on TikTok sometimes and this might
just be me, but like I'm very much under the
thought process that if I have to jump through hoops,
read a book, play some arbitrary game that and if
you really think about it, like we used to hunt
and gather and like draw in the sand and like
(19:08):
use mud as hair gel, and now we're talking about
that was very random. I don't know why I said that,
And now we're like, oh my god, should I text
him first? Leave it? Text him? Like, you know, like
if I had to adhere to some arbitrary, made up
rules that I don't know why they're there. I don't
want that person, like it needs to be natural, like
(19:28):
I shouldn't be up worrying, like oh my gosh, should
I double text him? And or I look crazy If
I have something gonna say, I'm gonna say. I don't
care if it's text number two, three, four, five, or six,
you know, Like I understand the premise that like if
someone doesn't respond to like a message, or someone doesn't
let you know what time your date is, are things
like that, then stop talking to them, Like I don't
need it to be like a back and forth cat
(19:49):
and mouth type of game. And I think that that
is one thing I have learned in my era of
celibacy is that all these things I used to spend
so much time having anxiety over are so pointless, like
and I think going looking back at things used to
make me upset, and then like now on the other
side of things, and it reels in that like I
(20:10):
don't need a man, Like I'm very content with myself.
I've been able to formulate more or better rules for myself, like,
for example, I this is a big problem with my
one of my exes, Oh my god, sorry, guys, I
had a probiotic soda was an episode and it's really
being probiotic. I one problem I have with my ex
(20:30):
was that I would like ask him to hang out
and he'd be like whatever, sure, and then I'd okay,
what do you want to do? Like what time? And
he wouldn't answer all day or like he'd be home
and I'd be like, oh, you want to hang out tonight?
Are you coming into the city And he'd be like maybe,
and she just like wouldn't let me know all day,
and I would spend I'd cry in my bed. I'd
be upset. I had to wait all night. I'm like,
did not think about me? Do not think to call
(20:50):
or text? Like? Was I not consideration? No? I'm not
doing that ever again. If we have plans or intentions
to make plans, I'm seting myself at time two pm.
If you do not, I answer right two pm. I
don't care if you text me at two oh one
too oh two point two three seconds before milliseconds. I
don't care when you text me, you have wasted my time.
I have my set rules for myself that I have
(21:11):
built out of self respect. If you don't text me,
my day with the plan and we're not hanging out.
I don't care if you drove. Nope, not doing it.
You know, Like I'm going about my day and prioritizing myself.
I've been letting myself feel like I need to be
anxious over someone who doesn't have any intention to like
be forward with me, you.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
Know, because let's be real, if someone was really excited
about a date that you guys were gonna go on,
wouldn't if you confirmed or something or have answered about
what time to meet you? Because what they always do
is and they text you at like eight thirty going, hey,
I'm at the restaurant.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
Where are you?
Speaker 2 (21:41):
And you go, uh, you have not responded to me
since nine am yesterday? How was I supposed to know
you were still coming?
Speaker 1 (21:46):
And that's my thing is that like these book, these
self help books, these like relationship cat and Mouse game
advice they have on TikTok, I get what the purpose is,
like the underlying purpose if the execution. For me, it's like,
at the end of the day, you do not need
to play mind games to get someone to like you.
(22:06):
I think this ties into independence in the sense that,
like I know that I am my own person. I
know that I have my own goals, I have my
own values, I have my own idea of self worth.
None of that is depending upon who I'm with. And
I think at any time when those feelings or ideas
of self worth become tied up to another person, you
(22:27):
are not going to be happy because you're going to
feel constantly anxious that a person might drop the ball
or they did drop the ball, you know. And I
think that one thing that's helped me in terms of
independence is knowing that, like I have my own thing
going on, like I have school, I have work, I
have my friends. Like at the end of the day,
I'm going to prioritize what's best for me. But if
you're not giving me what I need, you're not adding
value to my life. You're not You're an addition, not
(22:50):
a subtraction. Then like I'm not wasting my time anymore,
you know. I think society pressures women, especially to like
stay and they're like, oh, you can change them, you
can fix Still they'll learn you had to condition them.
Like them, We're not training dogs, like these are human beings,
you know. And like I'm very much a proponent of
if they wanted to they would. And I do understand that,
(23:11):
like sometimes things happen that like they actually couldn't. But
I think the underlying idea of that sentiment of like,
if they wanted to, they would like if the one
to hang out with you, the one made a plan,
if they wanted to respect you, they would have. If
they liked you and be with you, they would be
with you.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
You know.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
I think it's very simple. At the end of the day.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Yeah, anything that's feasible that they could do if they
wanted to, they would, Yeah, exactly. And I think also
with mind games, how long do those things actually last?
Because of course, when you get into relationship, no matter
how much you want to deny it and say, oh,
I'm a true So whatever you mask at the beginning
of a relationship, you're putting your best self forward. And
I you know, I think masking is a good word
because and I'm using it right now in a positive connotation.
(23:49):
I think when people go on like first dates or
they're in the period of just seeing another person, you're
not showing them all of your true self. You know,
that comes way later. And I think that if you
lead into it already putting your best self forward which
is normal, and adding an additional layer of playing games,
you know, like I have to wait three hours to
text them back. I have to make him think that
I'm busy when really you're just sitting in your room.
(24:10):
I think that if you keep that up for what
two or three months, how is that actually sustainable? Because
what if you guys end up in a long term relationship,
is that just gonna end? That's not going to make
you feel good if they have a negative reaction to
you ending these mind games when they actually thought you
were I don't know an independent person, and really you're not.
And I think if you're on this self journey to
(24:30):
become more independent, that's fantastic, But do it for yourself
and do it for your own mental health and not
for a guy, because that is never sustainable and it
never works out in the long term.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
And like ear, irrespective, irrespective perspective, no respective per er,
respective my respective I'm gonna say it so confidently that
it's gonna be the right word, irrespective of no, I forgot,
I say, okay, yeah, irrespective Ear, I'm tapping my shoulder,
(25:03):
irrespective of how attractive this person is or how you
think you're in love with them, because girl, I promise
you this could literally be Chris Evans. Sorry, Chris Evans.
If they don't treat you right, you do not want them.
Like I have been with people who I thought were
the most attractive person in the world, who like it's
meant to be blah blah blah blah blah, and then
you get on the other side, You're like, oh, never mind,
but sid's twenty twenty. It is do you want to
(25:27):
be with someone that you have to play games with
to be with? Or do you want to be with
someone long term that you feel like you lost yourself
in a relationship?
Speaker 2 (25:35):
For right, it's exhausted.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
Like, I get that being single is hard, it's not
fun sometimes, like it might feel lonely, but like we
always say, being alone and being lonely are not the
same thing. Like I've been alone for six months now
and I've never felt this confident or happy in myself.
And like the journey here was not pretty. It was
actually pretty ugly in ghetto. But now that I'm here,
like I feel like I can go into relationships so
(26:00):
much more headstrong and knowing that I can retain a
sense of self because I do feel like in my
last relationship, I did lose myself. Like even people tell
me that I felt I was acting different, like I
only want to spend time with him, and like the
way that he would respond to me or act the
tone of his text could depict my mood for the
entire day. That should not be happening. You know. It's like,
(26:21):
if I'm in a relationship with someone, I should be happy,
and I get that, like things happen sometimes, but it's
like if I feel like I'm constantly in a bad
mood or constantly upset or having to change myself to
trying the peace, but I think that they want I
do not and should not be with that person. I
think that's hard to come to terms when you're in it,
but I promise you, being on the other side, you'll
(26:41):
thank yourself for doing the work now to ensure your
happiness later.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
Yeah, when you're in a relationship the other person making
you feel happy and stable and secure. I think those
last two words are specific favorites of mine. I think
that's the most important thing of all time, because you know,
the other things like humor and generosity and kindness are
also very important, But above all, you should feel like
you're wanted. And as a leo and as someone who
(27:06):
has a lot of pride, I feel like I've been
able to get to a place very early on which
I'm very happy about, where I can base my how
attracted I am to a person on how attracted they
are to me. You know, if you show me that
you're attracted to me and you respect me and you
want to spend time with me, that'll just make me
all the more attracted to you.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (27:27):
So aside all the superficial shit, if you literally just
make me feel secure, You're You're good. You accomplished step
number one. You know, in my book there are fifty steps,
but at least you're on the right track.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
I get so all, I'll get literally so annoyed. Whomen
I like nice guys finish last.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
No, if you ever call yourself a nice guy, you're
not a nice A nice guy? Thank you?
Speaker 1 (27:49):
Like because you treat a woman with the expected respect.
When I say expected the bare minimum b A R
E minimum deminimus like you literally you show up, that's
all you do. You are not a nice guy. And
I think that that's one thing is like I feel
as though I don't know if it's because of social media,
(28:09):
or because of rom comms, or because of the way
that we've conditioned ourselves, like as a species of human beings,
is that we expect so little from men and when
they are not even men relationships in general, So when
we get that little bit, we think that we're fulfilled.
And I don't know about everyone else, but like I'm not,
and I think about it, Like, think about all the
(28:29):
rom comms we grew up watching, like how is a
guy in ten Days?
Speaker 2 (28:32):
I was thinking about that before you even said it.
I mean, when you even introduced this subject, I was
thinking about how to lose a.
Speaker 1 (28:38):
Guy in ten days? Or even like Sex and the City,
and like all these rules we learned about, like the
three date rule or like whatever else was discussed. Like
I love those movies and those shows, but like we're
still gonna watch them. Yeah, I'm still gonna watch them.
But like the thing is, we don't realize how formative
that is. And for so long I thought that that's
the way I should have been treated, and I that's okay,
(28:59):
it's so so corny, But the line from person being
a wallflower, it's like you accept the love you think
you deserve. I think that is so true. She kind
of ate with that whoever wrote that, of course, like
I want some fairy tale lovey dove like perfect whatever.
But like I learned very quickly growing up that that
kind of love is not like easily accessible. This has
(29:20):
happened to most people, but I didn't realize that, like
I still deserve respect, I still dederve to have high standards,
I deserve to be treated well, et cetera, Like I
know what needs my need to be met nor for
me to be a happy relationship. But I think that
instead of realizing that, I was on the other end
of the spectrum where I was like, find this guy
treating like crap makes me feel like saied about myself.
(29:40):
At least I'm with someone and I deserve that, you know. Yeah,
So I think retaining some sense of like self worth
or self value and realizing, like we literally said earlier today,
you are the prize. Realizing that like this person is
lucky to have you need to treat you as such
is so important. And we've been kind of talking like
negatively about I guess not really negatively, but like the
(30:02):
steps taken to get to relationship. But now that you're
like in relationship, i'd like, there are different things that
you can do even if you are happy to retain
some sense of independence, you know, for sure.
Speaker 2 (30:13):
I don't know if you heard it said like I
don't know eight minutes ago, but I said, when you
make me feel stable and secure, that's step one of
the way. Yeah, you know, And for me personally, I
have about fifty steps. I am very high maintenance. I
am not ashamed to say that. You know. I take
like three hours to do my makeup, and I like
things a certain way, and I like pretty sparkly things,
and you know, and I like to go out to
(30:34):
eat and or whatever. Cindy and I talked about a
couple of episodes ago needs versus standards, and I think
that those things all count as standards. And then my needs, however,
are like generosity, loyalty, security, a sense of humor, et cetera.
All the things that you can't really change about a person,
your core values, your personality. And I think that when
you're with a person like that, it makes it that
(30:57):
much easier to be independent because you feel secure. So
that's just the first layer of what I have to say.
The second thing is that not even talking about relationships,
I think being independent in a relationship has nothing to
do with the relationship, little to do with the relationship
other than what I just said. I think that, yes,
security makes it easy to be independent, but you should
already be on that independence journey before you start dating somebody.
(31:20):
And if you aren't, and if you are dating somebody
and you're like, ooh, maybe I do want to work
on my independence, all the power to you. But just
make sure you're doing it for yourself and it's completely independent,
you know, And make sure you're just doing the things
that you like to do and the things that you're
interested in, because finding a sense of self is so important.
(31:41):
So for example, my boyfriend likes sports and like EEDM,
I don't like sports, and EEDM, and yes, I do
make sacrifices to go with him to do those things
because it makes him happy, and therefore it makes me happy.
But there is a real sense of power that I
cannot explain, how self fulfilling and peaceful it makes me
to go and do the stuff I like to do
with the people I love that have nothing to do
(32:02):
with him by myself. Even I mean last week I
was like in Midtown for a I mean, I got
my phone stolen, so I was getting a new phone,
not important, and I was kind of wandering the streets
in this area that I've never been in. And it
was like six o'clock.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
On a Friday.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
I didn't have plans for the next three hours, and
I said to myself, you know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna find a jazz bar and I'm gonna sit down.
I'm gonna tell nobody that I'm here, and I'm you know,
and I'm gonna just sit here and enjoy and I'm
not gonna lie. My first thought was like, oh, let
me text Sack and see if he's out of work,
see if he wants to join me, because I know
he works near here. No, I wanted to do something
for myself at the time that I wanted to do it.
(32:39):
I didn't want to wait for anybody. I didn't want
to depend on anybody else. And that's just one example
of how I've tried to incorporate independence in my relationship.
But doing stuff like that for you it makes you
a better person, not only for yourself in the sense
where it gives you peace and sanity. But it makes
you a better partner, you know, because it gives you
the space that you need, and it gives you, like
the independence that is necessary in every relationship.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
In my opinion, I think that sometimes people see independence
and relationship in a Saint Sanince as an oxymoron, and
I think it's the actually the complete opposite, because.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Wait, what was it? I was reading something and they're good, right, No,
you know what. Sorry, I am playing with my armpit
right now, everybody, because I missed it. This is the
smallest patch of hair when I was shaving it and
playing with it.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Clicks to play with it. I'm like trying to braid
it all right. Ill, that's disturbing people like hear the
phrase independence and the relationship and think of it as
an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp. Don't why that was my.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
Ex Like I totally and I completely agree.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
I don't think it is because, Okay, when we say independence,
we mean like having a life outside your relationship. Like
I think there's independence emotionally, there's independence physically independence the
other lees, but okay, start with emotionally. We kind of
already talked about it. But I think, like I said,
even my last situationship like this last few months I
(34:16):
or before my celeb set, I was like, am not
even dating this person? And my emotions are so tied
up with them that I'm acting in a way that
I've never acted before one and I feel like I'm
losing myself. Like the way that I was acting something
I would ever do before and it's not me. And
I could recognize that as it was happening was starting
to freak me out. And I think the reason was
(34:37):
that I was subconsciously connecting my sense of happiness or
sense of self or sense of self worth in that person.
So like if they didn't answer my text, or they
got with someone else, or they treated me any kind
of way, it was like, hey, what's wrong with me?
Not why is not a healthy situation? Or they wouldn't
text me back, or they wouldn't act the way I
(34:57):
expected them to. What's wrong with me? Nothing? Like, It's
not about who I am as a person and the
way they treat me, the way that they act, like
we always say, is a reflection of them, not a
reflection of my worth. And that took me a long
time to like not only understand and realize, but to internalize.
So that's what I mean when I say, like I
want to be independent emotionally, mean that I love this person,
(35:19):
I have feelings for them. I want to be there
for them and be a good partner. But at the
same time I need to know that like, as an individual,
I'm whole, like they are not. People are like we're
two souls and what No, I am my own soul.
I am my own person. You add to my life.
You are not what makes me whole.
Speaker 2 (35:34):
Yeah, or you sure the same heart? Or yeah, hey,
like you.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Make me whole. No, you're not a puzzle baby. No,
You're a whole on your own. I think that's the
first thing. Second is independence physically in the sense of
like kind we were talking about. It is like being
able to go on my own or hang out with
my friends and be fine, Like, I do not need
to be with that person twenty four freaking apps.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
And you literally said I have three points and here
they are hick lawyer.
Speaker 1 (35:58):
And that's weird. I'm coming up this on the fly.
I do not need to do that person twenty four
hours day. And my relationship is like I felt I
had to be with him all the time or I'd
be upset, like, Okay, that's given codependence. Don't want to
do that. And I think people are like, but you're
supposed to be in love. No, yes, you can be
in love and still spend five minutes or one year.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
Yah, it's not what love is attachment at the hip.
Speaker 1 (36:21):
And I think even so, like having a strong sense
of independence will make you a better partner in the
sense that like, if I'm able to be on my
own and pour into myself, be confident in myself, and
work on myself, then I can show up as a
better partner, you know. So I think that while it
might seem oxymoronic, so I'm saying, for example, so I
(36:42):
like want to use big words at the same time,
like doing that work on myself and giving myself a
sense of independence and ability to be outside the relationship
will help my relationship in turn be.
Speaker 2 (36:54):
Healthier exactly, because I mean when I find that I,
you know, have my parents over for like a long weekend,
or when I choose to you know, even if let's
say that there might have been plans involved in the
first place, if I had to change those plans because
I know I need space, that is very very healthy
to go hang out with my friends. I do so,
and I think that in turn, that makes me show
(37:15):
up the next time me and my boyfriend hang out
as a better partner, and I know he does the
same thing, which makes me really happy.
Speaker 1 (37:20):
So it is.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
Not osmoronic at all. But you do need to focus
on being independent yourself, even if your goal is to
especially if your goal is to show up as a
better partner, not even I meant especially if your goal
is to show up is like a better girlfriend or
a better boyfriend, a better partner. In general, your focus
should be on yourself primarily, put yourself first, especially if
(37:42):
it is to show up as someone's better half.
Speaker 1 (37:44):
You know. I think like one thing that isn't really
talked about enough is that with independence comes trust, because
like I see this on TikTok, I see if my
friends I see it. I guess in other places where
it's like like boys' night, everygl get scared people looking
at stories, listening to the audio and the background the stories,
(38:06):
looking at maps.
Speaker 2 (38:07):
Got a set of acrylic nails in the background of
this one picture on his.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
Story exactly like because they're not with you, you don't
trust them. That is a big a big old red flag.
Like I know that, Like if I'm with someone and
I got with my girls, I'm not doing anything that's
going to you as my relationship because I'm a human being,
know how to act, you know. So I feel like
if you have a problem or they have a problem
with you hanging out with your friends, that's a sign
(38:31):
of control Number one, Ill and Rittie. If you cannot
trust your person to hang out with their guy friends
or their girlfriends or whatever because you don't trust them,
that is a red flag. You should be able to
trust your partner, and if you don't, then maybe reflect on.
Speaker 2 (38:44):
That exactly because think about it, that could either be
a you problem, like you could have trust is who's
based off of your last relationship, family, friends, extenuating circumstances,
or it could be a reflection of what your partner
is showing you. And I think that exactly what Cindy said.
If you do find yourself not trusting your partner, a
good look in the mirror is what's needed, whether it's
either of those problems. And I you know, we also
(39:06):
talked about recently your partner having friends of the opposite
sex and how a lot of people get really intimidated
by that. But Siddy and I were saying a couple
of episodes ago, how we think that's actually really really
important because that shows you not only how they act
around people of your own gender, if that applies to you,
but also how they act around those people when you're
(39:26):
not there, and that can build trust as well. You know,
like you're a normal person, treat like you know, treat
everybody the same. You know, it shouldn't make a difference.
Speaker 1 (39:35):
And even like Story of Time, if you visit this podcast,
this is the latter half of the second season, you
know that my ex were extremely unfaithful, like not even
cheating once twice or ten times, more like twenty five
jillion eleven times.
Speaker 2 (39:52):
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
No, honestly, I don't even know how many time that
much time in a week, Like I don't incommend him
for that, but it kind of me feel more controlling,
like I want to know where he was at all times.
I don't know why I didn't tell myself, hey, he's cheating,
you know that, why you can turn about where he
is like he's doing it, and so he's doing it,
Like it doesn't really matter where he is honestly, However,
(40:14):
I will say while there I did have his location,
he would still cheat. He did not care. He went
on a boy's trip and this is like probably the
last big thing that ended relationship because if you saw
our last episode last season, I was crying on Bex
I found out he was cheating again. This is after that. Unfortunately,
he went on a bachelor trip to Vegas, and I knew,
(40:38):
I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew he's gonna
do something. I typed that feeling because he does it
all the time and.
Speaker 2 (40:43):
He's never not done anything.
Speaker 1 (40:45):
He had packed provisions and Okay, I'm not proud of
this one, but I am prouds and made me realize
that it was the end. The provisions were new provisions,
they were still saran wrapped from CBS, if you know
what I mean. And so he went on trip barely
talk to me the entire trip. I was anxious and
literally sick to myself with the entire time. So I
(41:05):
was like, maybe after this whole ordeal, he's finally learned
this lesson. He realizes that, like he wants to be
with me after fricking four years of being together, maybe
he'll like finally grow up at the age of twenty
eight and change. Uh uh, what's that word? I don't
know spoiler alert. He didn't, and so he gets home
asked me to come over to unpack his bag red
(41:28):
flag number of five hundred and the provisions are no
longer sealed and new and that's how I knew something
had happened. And he had the audac and mind you, Okay,
that's too much detail anyway, mind you? Mind you that
I had inquired about if he had done anything, and
he was adamantly like, no, I did not. So I
was like, did you play with them like we guys
use him as balloons? Like why were they opened and used?
(41:51):
And continue to lie and lie and light and light
and lie until finally, like I had confronted in him
and I was like, you have one more chance to
tell me the truth. Where I'm done told me the truth?
I mean, I'm still done spoiler alert. But that was
the thing I was like, why was I Like I
thought it was normal to feel sick and anxious about
him doing something on his own that shouldn't have that
(42:11):
that wasn't really anxiety. The anxiety It's like subconsciously. Was
that I knew he was doing something unfaithful. Yeah, that
shal we don't focusing on that then should not be
normal for anyone, you know. I think that was the
final push. I need to realize that, like you're dating
someone who's a habitual cheater, that's not going to change.
You cannot change him. After four years, he's gonna keep
doing what he wants to cheat, cheat, So I think
(42:33):
that's when I learned time to snip, snip cut. I
think sniptipcut. Actually it took four years, not a lot
of heartbreak, but I did it.
Speaker 2 (42:39):
We talked about this earlier this season too, but the
phrase want a cheater, always a cheater, Sidney and I
were trying to debunk it, and we realized that nine
to nine point nine nine nine percent of times the
phrase is true. And I guess there is an exception
to that role maybe once in a great while, meaning
point zero zeroes, you're one percent that like if they
cheat ones okay, like whatever, it's a slip. But literally,
(43:01):
if your man is cheating on you and you know it,
I'm telling you right now, there's a ninety nine point
nine nine percent chance, not just your boyfriend, You're not
just your husband, like anybody that you're seeing whatever. There
is a very very.
Speaker 1 (43:12):
Good chance that will ever change.
Speaker 2 (43:13):
Unfortunately. Also, so before we wrap, I am going to
share something that because I feel like, obviously I've been
talking about my relationship a lot on this episode because
that's the topic. But I'll share something that I'm struggling
with in this regard in my relationship, and I'll preface
it with this right now. My boyfriend and I have
(43:34):
been dating for or seeing each other for I think
around eight months, crazy to think about, and we still
do not have our location shared with each other. And
I've never brought it up because in my previous relationship
we had our location shared with each other I think
since month one, and he used that as ammunition against me,
(43:56):
I think once a week, you know, like, oh, I
thought you said you were on your way home. I
thought you that you were home, and then I'd get
home two minutes later. Just weird stuff like that, where
he would always try to use that as a seed
of distrust when really nothing was happening. It's literally the
topic of the whole episode. So I think, and I know,
obviously my current boyfriend and my ex are not the
same person. But at the same time, it's really hard
(44:18):
just because of such a recent experience that I've had
to go into it, because I, of course I can't
help but think, even though he's done nothing to indicate
that he would act that same way, what if I
share it with him? And that is just you know
what I mean. So I'm kind of like avoiding it,
and I feel like, even if he did ask to
share my location, I don't know what I would say.
I don't know if i'd be like okay, or if
(44:39):
I would kind of say, oh, I'm not really ready
for that yet when we've literally been dating for eight months.
So I kind of wanted to get your opinion and
if you have an opinion or advice for you to
dm us. But I figured i'd share something that wasn't
so perfect about my side of things, where maybe I
could seem a little more relatable.
Speaker 1 (44:54):
Two things. One like you kind of already said it yourself.
But I think it's so easy to project fears from
past relationship onto a current one. I did the same
thing recently, and I think that's like self work you
have to do to realize, like, these are different people.
But I think getting to the root of the fear
of like it being a distrust thing. I think to
(45:18):
realize that you have to give him the chance to trust,
you know. So I think that if he does react
the same way that you're exit a snip snip, you know,
like that's going to reveal what you need to know,
you know. I think the fear is that they're going
to act in a way that you're not gonna like.
But if they do, then like that's indication that they're
gonna act that way anyway, at least you know now
and not later, you know exactly. Also, that'shit can be
(45:40):
revoked so fast. Sorry to turn location off. You know,
I love locations. I be on my little map, like,
oh where is everyone Everyone's home? Okay?
Speaker 2 (45:49):
Well, because also it's a safety thing as well. I mean,
I know, I'm always on my location checking to see
if ken then your chances are getting home, especially if
like you're out of chances out or whatever. But at
the same because we're all really not text hers, but
you know, so for safety purposes, if you or Chance
or Camden want to know if anything's wrong, you guys
have my location. I don't necessarily need my current boyfriend
(46:11):
to have my location, even if it is for safety purposes,
because my mom has it, my dad has it, you know,
and I have nothing to hide in that regard. So
it's like, it's not like he needs to have it.
I don't really know why I would ask him to
have it at this point. But it's almost like, do
I just bite the bullet and go ahead and ask
to get my answer or it's not even the I'm
not even looking for an answer, you know, like this
(46:31):
isn't really a test. I feel like I set this
up to seem as if, oh, I would only ask
him to see if he is the same as my ex.
And that's not really what I'm implying. And I know
you know that, but I just want to make sure
everybody knows that. But at the same time, and this
is top of mind, just because my phone did recently
get stolen and I was out with my boyfriend and
it would be it would have been really helpful if
(46:52):
he had my location and he was like, oh, you know,
as a joke, next time we go out, make sure
you share your location with me, and yeah, and I
just kind of never did.
Speaker 1 (47:01):
I would just I would even make it a conversation.
I'm just share it. That's one thing also that I
feel like our generation does that. I also do. Actually,
every three seconds we make a having such a big
deal like should I ask click the button? Just do it?
You know, Niketa?
Speaker 2 (47:18):
Yeah, I like though, I I you know, and this
kind of relates to the topic of the episode. I
like that I am not worried about sharing my location
with him, you know, just like, oh, I'm worried about
what he thinks, but because of something that's personal and
like something that's unique to my own experience. Honestly, we're
done with the episode. It's fifty minutes.
Speaker 1 (47:36):
We love you.
Speaker 2 (47:36):
Make sure to follow us on TikTok and Instagram at
Crying in Public Podcasts and you can listen to us
on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and I Heart or wherever you
get your podcasts. We love you.
Speaker 1 (47:45):
We're gonna go.
Speaker 2 (47:45):
We just got a huge pr box from Poppy and
we are going to enjoy our new grape flavored soda.
Speaker 1 (47:52):
Good by to another one that's like, don't know what
the grape.
Speaker 2 (48:00):
I thought, I don't know strawberry and you should get
some grape soda.
Speaker 1 (48:05):
Yeah, I know, I know. Oh yeah, you're right. Bye, bye, Hello,
Greedy. Hi, I was gonna do like the greetings loved ones,
but I used to do that all the time.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
I think we've started with that opening fourteen times.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Was saying that I no, like, now we're doing it again.
I think that one conspiracy theory that doesn't exist but
I'm now making up is Katy Perry. Fans like Katy
Perry is like actively like touring and like selling out,
but like I couldn't name a Katy Perry song that
didn't come out in two thousand and seven. Who's selling
her out?
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Now? She's a judge on American Idol, right.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
Yes, I will say I feel like I've seen half
of the season American Idol despite never watching it because
I see it on Instagram or see it on TikTok. Yeah,
and I knew my favorites are vomb no who's competing exactly.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
And I think people are hating on Katy Perry right
now because she told one contestant to stop singing so
theater like and she said to her get the thespian
out of you, and people got really mad at that,
but the person had the theater eyes, and I just
knew that you would agree with Katy Perry because Cindy
said when I sing in my Broadway musical theater way
that I get really big theater eyes, Like how would
(01:24):
you describe that? It's like very wide eyes.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
It's like no one you're like watching theater. I guess
people sing and He's like they're just staring at you.
And you're like where do I look?
Speaker 2 (01:33):
Like?
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Do I look back at them? And do I look away?
No one know you're talking about. But she's right like
stop singing in cursive like Sizza love her, that's my girl.
If someone held a gun to my head or any
actually any other blunt weapon and was like, what did
she just say? I don't know. I said that, you know,
like that's what I know. I don't know the actual words.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Do you know that vine by Trish where he goes
I got tomt Ice in all the Coty.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
That seems like I'd be like, please take a breath.
I can't if I can hear the breathiness of your
breath in my ears, and it's just so uncomfortable, And
like those people are.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
The ones who also talk normally too, you know that
after they're done singing, go go right back having a
normal conversation.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
I'm like, you don't talk like that. Like one of
my favorite singers, Baby Rose, is that her? Yes, that's
her name. I think that's her name. She's not my favorites.
I don't know her name, yes, baby Rose. And like
one of her songs she like goes like and breeze
in the beginning, I have to skip it. It actually, like,
hold on, I have to play for you.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Sidney has a major problem with people chewing and like
chewing gum, chewing food and making noises with their mouths
and saliva and stuff.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
So this checks out, you know, like if I don't
want to hear any salivation happening from you, you know.
But the weird thing is is like I only care
if I'm close to them, like if you're a rando
choo along too happily. But like if we're like close,
like you're a family member of mine, it makes I
can like when you have your headphones so I can
hear her tongue se does that.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
There's this one song of hers, Breathe Me, that I
really like. It's on my Sad Girl playlist and I
listened to it the other day and you can hear
the saliva rearranging in her mouth as she's singing because
she's so close to the microphone like this, and I
actually kind of it's like very asmri. I kind of
like it.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Well, we get to take out the part where I
play the song because copyright.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Yeah, so Sidney did indeed play us the song, but
we can't play it on here because of copyright.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Guess where I learned that law school? I know.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
We also had an old friend who it's not the
same thing, but she used to talk like this. So
yesterday I went to this store Kardashian on crap, what's
it called vocal fry? But I have vocal fry. Sidney,
you have vocal fry. Kardashian has vocal fry. This woman
had I don't even know what to call it, French fry,
Like it was so bad. It sounded like that, like
(03:49):
she was just gargling rocks at all time. And Sydney
and I we used to get so annoyed. We used
to look at each.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Other like, I'm literally live in the valley in LA.
Can't cannot listen to value voices, can't do it, can't
do it so funny.
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Oh my god, I want to go see Mulan chans
er your previous question. I went to go see Mulan
Rouge with my mom and if I don't know if
he talked about Derek Kleinna on this podcast, but he's
on my hall pass list, and I saw him on
the stage and we made eye contact and it was
just a really beautiful moment. And that's what I do
when I go to see musical theater or plays.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
I look at the actor a diball but see like
someone's mean that. I'd be like, do I know you?
Speaker 2 (04:30):
Like I want you to get to know. No, I'm
just kidding, guys, I never know. Yeah, And I took
my mom to go see it for the first time,
and she was really amazed as well by the set
design and the songs. Because I don't know if you've
ever been in Mulan Rouge, but I would say, if
you come to visit New York City, if you don't
already live here, if you do already live here and
you need to see another show, Mulan Rouge is so good.
(04:52):
I replaced Phantom of the Opera for me for sure.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
I thought you're talking to me when you're like on
the musine. Now it's like, girl, I literally saw it
with you.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Oh no, no. Last year was so cute. I think we
told this story. But for those of you who aren't
new for my birthday last year, it was the sweetest,
most considerate gift. Sidney surprised me because she knows I
love surprises. She told me we were going to a
influencer event, which was believable, and she even told me
like the name she and just out of pure luck,
I didn't go and look up the brand or do
(05:20):
any research on this.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
Was like, we're going to a dinner stick, Okay, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
And the only question I asked, because we're going to
an influencer dinner, I said, oh, for what brand? Sydney goes, uh,
Tory make something up.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Also, it sounds like a BEACONAUTI brand. She's like, okay, whatever,
And so.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
We get on the subway we go, and we get
out of the train like right in front of this
restaurant and I'm like, oh, is this sick because I
think they were literally having an event, and Syny goes, no,
it's over here. So she takes me around the corner
and there are two theaters on this corner. It's like
the Shakespeare Theater and then the Mulin Rouge Theater, and
I'm looking at both and I'm like, oh, we're gonna
go see a Shakespeare play. Oh, like what a cute surprise.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
But I was kind of like what in my head?
It was literally like the Camelot motel and she's like, ooh,
are we going here? I was like, I'm not taking
you to a motel for your birthday.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Siddy grabs me by the shoulders and go, Sarah, Sarah,
what's across the street? I was like, I started crying.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
It was so cute.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
What was the best birthday surprise you've ever received? Survivor
birthday party?
Speaker 1 (06:17):
I ate that one up. I literally was an hour
late to my own birthday. So okay. My babysitter when
I was a little kid was a event planner period.
I pretty sure her name was Sarah. Actually I mind
made that up. I think it's Sarah. And so she
planned my birthdays for me, and like one year I
had about the Survivor party. One year I had like
a disco party, and like there were records with my
(06:39):
face on them, and like she would melt the records
in the oven and form them into bowls and like
they would eat out the bowls with my face on.
It was giving an icon.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Actually that's crazy.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
I was like five. Imagine my face blown up on
a record and you're like ooh. And then I had
a Survivor birthday party. I was an hour late because
I was getting my hair done naturally, but I went
to literally the Army store and got cargoes like we
were eating up. I had doghouse my name on it
for everyone, like we were eating it up. And I
walked in the Survivor of Ay Disney's Child, and that
was the moment. They were all like WHOA. I was like, yeah,
(07:11):
I've arrived.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
It's all very Leo of you.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
It was I'm a cancer though, but you know, sometimes
you gotta keep them on their toes that make it up.
And we had like a fear I don't know why.
I don't know really know what Survivor was. I'd never
seen the show, but I knew that I liked Camo
and I liked Destney's child, so I was giving a
Survivor naturally, and I had like a fear factor activity
where like we would make like a random food that
(07:35):
there was like one thing was like I know this,
so vividly. It was tuna with whipped cream and cherries
on top, and it was like you get to blindfold
and eat it and if you ate like the whole play,
you got a prize. And the prize was something with
my face. And you know what, like.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
I said, because guess what, Literally that's our motto of
the podcast, you are the prize. I think we've said
that for a time. So it all comes together. It
all is just full circle. So I have a little
before we get started with the topic, a little fun
thing for Sydney and I to do because I keep
bringing it up on the podcast and she keeps saying
what is that? And what is Hogwarts? And what is
(08:10):
Harry Potter? And I don't care because guess what, ninety
nine point nine nine nine percent of people know what their.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
Hogwarts house is. I don't you mind, Slytherin.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
Okay, well we're gonna retake the quiz, no, because I
don't think you know what.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
I agree that.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
You're Slytherin because I'm a Slytherin and I took the
quiz and I literally picked answers that I thought would
get me hufflepuff because I always thought I was a Hufflepuff,
and then I ended up getting Slytherin. Could have been
a fluke, I don't know, but some of them are
very obvious. It's like do you like day or night?
You know, and they probably don't put Slytherin's into the
I love day category, but that's what I chose.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
It's a little fraudulent website because it'd be like be
your answers, sign up. I know exactly what it looks like.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
It's the official account.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
It's like snow owl or not snow Owl. Yeah, I
know how we were talking about. I've taken it a
million times, but I don't know if the answer was.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
So we're gonna do it on the podcast right now,
and it's gonna take five minutes. And I I'm so
excited to get and I'm just waiting for because I
had to make you account.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
I use my own. Even they have these little kids
on here putting their parents' email.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Yeah, exactly, let's get started. It's loading, okay. Pick one,
this is so funny. Pick one's Stars or Moon.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Girl. I don't know moon actually moons. I don't really
see stars in New York.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
Which of the following would you most hate people to
call you ignorant, selfish, ordinary, or cowardly.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Actually all of the bug ignorant. I guess. Oh that's
a good one.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Okay, ignorant, got it. You're so gonna get raven claw.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
Oh she sounds kind of cute.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Raven clothes for the smart people.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
I used to want raven hair so badly, and my
parents something that I was black. No, but like when
you're here, because I already have like pretty dark hair,
but like if it was so black that it looks
a little purple.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Your joke execution is so funny.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
To seriously, did say that.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
You enter an enchanted garden? What would you be most
curious to examine? First?
Speaker 1 (10:06):
I say it one more time?
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Okay, sorry, resay it.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Yes, I didn't hear what you say. You enter it
in you I forgot you're talking to me. Then here,
I'm present, I'm in the moment.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Okay, you enter an enchanted garden. What would you be
most curious to examine? First? Fat red toadstools that appear
to be talking to each other.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
I'm sorry, I was trying. I was trying to get
out of the ass. Actually I actually was swiping out
sip out. That was literally I was listening so much.
Red red toads that seeing yes, yes, that's what you said.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Oh my god, stop, I swear it's only five minutes.
Fat red toadstools that appear to be talking to each other.
So mushroom, Sydney, mushrooms, not toads. The bubbling pool in
the depth of which something illuminous is swirling, the silver
leaved tree bearing golden apples, or the statue of an
old wizard with a strangely twinkling eye.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Hey, well, well I want to be in the garden
by in the first place. Who wrote that? I don't
know rolling, I guess the apples or whatever? The apple one?
Speaker 2 (11:08):
Okay, what nightmare would frighten you most? Standing on top
of something very high and realize nothing was beneath you,
being forced to speak in such a silly voice that
hardly anyone can understand you when everyone laughs at you.
Waking up to find that neither your friends nor your
family have any idea who you are, or an eye
at the keyhole of the dark, windowless room in which
(11:28):
you are locked.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Okay, whatever that was, that's the second to last.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
The waking up to find that neither your friends nor
family know who you are. Yeah, okay, choose a category
to continue cats, toads or owls.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Owls.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
I was about to say, we all know it's not cats.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Definitely not a toad.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
Would you like a barn owl?
Speaker 1 (11:48):
Looks like that?
Speaker 2 (11:50):
Tany you want to snow you how?
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Yeah? Okay, I told you that's one question. I remember.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
If you could have any power, what would you choose.
The power to read minds, the power to change the path,
power of invisibility, power to speak to animals, power of
superhuman strength, or the power to change your appearance at will.
I can become an ig batty m magan or do
you know?
Speaker 1 (12:13):
I know, I don't know if I want to be
able to read minds because then more less men would
waste my time, or if I want to be invisible
so I could pull up and see what was being
said about me. But at the same time, i'dea'll do
that if I could read minds, do I have to
be in the room to read the mind?
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Well? Because I feel like, sometimes you know, you have
dark thoughts that aren't necessarily true. I feel like if
you were invisible, then you could hear what actually gets
filtered out.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
But I didn't even care about that. I care about
what are you thinking about me? Like all these men
that waste my time? Are you waste my time on purpose? Oh?
Speaker 2 (12:46):
And you know right? You know, I guess that would
make sense.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Okay, Yeah, when i'd be like a lawyer, so like
that'd be nice if I could be like, are you
telling the truth? Okay? So to read minds? What was
that the question?
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Yes, yeah, that's a very slitheriny answer. I feel like
you're on the right track. Would you rather be liked, trusted, feared, envied, imitated,
or praised? Do you want to hear those again?
Speaker 1 (13:08):
No? Okay, it's so heart liked. You said liked. So
I feel like in order to be liked, you have
to be trusted.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
Tails are heads?
Speaker 1 (13:18):
I don't know. I don't like tails. All Right, here
we go, it's loading.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
I want the sorting hat is ready to make its decision.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Let's see the answer.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
It's it's free.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
You're raven claw.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
I knew what I knew what I knew it I knew.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
Like I said when I asked to get raven hair,
I foresaw this.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Yes, so you can read minds. Now you read the
sorting Hat's mind. See now you know and now I
can rest easy. And now everybody on the podcast knows
what you are.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
That's like my biggest red flag. Actually you and body
called my red flags. But in a way like you
watch her, listen to her, whatever you do. It's Harry Potter.
You read it, Oh true crime. You don't like that.
I'm in at your crime rights adult. That's the big one.
But I still like you. That's good.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
I really appreciate that.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Again, any other place, it's like, oh my god, I
think it's in the same vein. It's like people are
tressed with Elvis or No. Actually, the scariest three types
of people relate to me. People that aress with, Hello, Kitty,
you're a grown adult. People test with Tinkerbell, you're a gun adult.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
But like is a weird one.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
Okay, that one, like I wouldn't even meet a conversation. No.
The third one is, oh, not Tinkerbell, tweety bird.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
I was about to say Tinkerbell is so specific.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Tweety bird, because I don't even know what show that's from.
But people wait, they'll have like on their car staring wheel.
Why it's a bird and out speak makes me comfortable.
People that like Charlie Brown. I can't stand that show.
It actually put.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Wasn't linus ps so cute?
Speaker 1 (14:57):
It's a drawn dog. Me.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Well, if you think about all animation, like they're all
drawn to huh it's a drawn dog. Well that's like
all animation, you know. But like I cried when you know,
Simba's dad died.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Moved as different. He was cute and he was drawn
a little bit better.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
A little bit better.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
That's so funny.
Speaker 2 (15:19):
So how do you feel about your house? Are you
excited to know?
Speaker 1 (15:22):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Do you want to know some qualities? Okay, too bad,
I'm gonna read it to do you anyway. Okay, Wit
learning and wisdom. That totally makes sense. What was the
middle one learning? It's like curious curious minds.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
They had such way. It was wit learning and wisdom,
wit learning and no yeah wait that could have been alliteration.
And they fumbled the bag of wit learning and wisdom. Wait. Cute.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
See this is such a that was such a raven
clothing for you to say its a couple and to
get into the common house in the school. What you
have to do is like a plant I think, asks
you a riddle and you have to solve it in
order to get into your common room.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Took that from Greek mythology. Yeah, they did.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
On our regional they had us sphinx too in one
of the books.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
They're taking these little kids. I feel bad. They could
have been playing with some cars and they're here sorting
and playing whatever that hoop game is. Oh, that's one
people that play that game quidditch. Quidditch. That's weird. You're
an adult. Stop playing with broomsticks. Number three, What are
we talking about?
Speaker 2 (16:22):
You already said you're number three. You said tweety bird,
Hello Kitty.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
And quittle puff and quidditch, But then.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
You also said Peanuts, Charlie Brown.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
So I really four things.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
But there's probably more like if you were a theater kid.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
No, I like the theater, but theater kids though, Oh
actually I kind of. I kind of hung out with
them a little bit.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
They hangs out with the raging one now, so they're adjacent. Yeah,
all right. Finding independence in relationships is the topic that
we have planned for today. You excited because Sidney and
I are both very independent people. So I know one
topic I wanted to bring up that I thought would
be really fun to talk about with you that totally relates.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
To the topic.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
Is that one book that we reviewed in our very
short lasting Book Club. Yeah, it was actually literally one episode.
I think we did a part one and part two,
but still, you know, one full thing. And we read
it on the like notion that it was going to
be very uplifting and inspiring and very like feminist, and
(17:29):
we opened the book and literally upon the first page
we figured out that it was absolutely not like that
at all. I think the book had a good intention,
for sure, but the way they went about it was
in a way that just really rubbed me the wrong way.
If you are a new listener or I mean this
was in what the beginning of last season, so I
(17:49):
would understand if you hadn't listened to this episode, is
that the premise was basically be independent as a woman. Again,
very clear message, very good if you want a husband
or if you want a guy, you know, act independent
to the guy. It was all very like, do all
of these healthy things with the intention of getting a man.
And Cindy and I that entire episode where we reviewed
(18:10):
the book, we felt that that was just not the
right way to go about that message. I'm sure a
lot of women related to it, but it really wasn't
because Cinny and I have this belief where it's like
you should be doing these things and you should be
independent for yourself, for your own well being, not necessarily
to like get a boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
You know. And this might be a very hot take,
And you know what I hate about the word hot
take is when I preface anything with that, the take
is very lukewarm. However, I think in light of this book,
and the book is why men love Batchaz as well
as just like general t talk advice, and we have
a whole episode on like how toxic that dating advice
(18:47):
geared towards women is on TikTok sometimes and this might
just be me, but like I'm very much under the
thought process that if I have to jump through hoops,
read a book, play some arbitrary game that and if
you really think about it, like we used to hunt
and gather and like draw in the sand and like
(19:08):
use mud as hair gel, and now we're talking about
that was very random. I don't know why I said that,
And now we're like, oh my god, should I text
him first? Leave it? Text him? Like, you know, like
if I had to adhere to some arbitrary, made up
rules that I don't know why they're there. I don't
want that person, like it needs to be natural, like
(19:28):
I shouldn't be up worrying, like oh my gosh, should
I double text him? And or I look crazy If
I have something gonna say, I'm gonna say. I don't
care if it's text number two, three, four, five, or six,
you know, Like I understand the premise that like if
someone doesn't respond to like a message, or someone doesn't
let you know what time your date is, are things
like that, then stop talking to them, Like I don't
need it to be like a back and forth cat
(19:49):
and mouth type of game. And I think that that
is one thing I have learned in my era of
celibacy is that all these things I used to spend
so much time having anxiety over are so pointless, like
and I think going looking back at things used to
make me upset, and then like now on the other
side of things, and it reels in that like I
(20:10):
don't need a man, Like I'm very content with myself.
I've been able to formulate more or better rules for myself, like,
for example, I this is a big problem with my
one of my exes, Oh my god, sorry, guys, I
had a probiotic soda was an episode and it's really
being probiotic. I one problem I have with my ex
(20:30):
was that I would like ask him to hang out
and he'd be like whatever, sure, and then I'd okay,
what do you want to do? Like what time? And
he wouldn't answer all day or like he'd be home
and I'd be like, oh, you want to hang out tonight?
Are you coming into the city And he'd be like maybe,
and she just like wouldn't let me know all day,
and I would spend I'd cry in my bed. I'd
be upset. I had to wait all night. I'm like,
did not think about me? Do not think to call
(20:50):
or text? Like? Was I not consideration? No? I'm not
doing that ever again. If we have plans or intentions
to make plans, I'm seting myself at time two pm.
If you do not, I answer right two pm. I
don't care if you text me at two oh one
too oh two point two three seconds before milliseconds. I
don't care when you text me, you have wasted my time.
I have my set rules for myself that I have
(21:11):
built out of self respect. If you don't text me,
my day with the plan and we're not hanging out.
I don't care if you drove. Nope, not doing it.
You know, Like I'm going about my day and prioritizing myself.
I've been letting myself feel like I need to be
anxious over someone who doesn't have any intention to like
be forward with me, you.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
Know, because let's be real, if someone was really excited
about a date that you guys were gonna go on,
wouldn't if you confirmed or something or have answered about
what time to meet you? Because what they always do
is and they text you at like eight thirty going, hey,
I'm at the restaurant.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
Where are you?
Speaker 2 (21:41):
And you go, uh, you have not responded to me
since nine am yesterday? How was I supposed to know
you were still coming?
Speaker 1 (21:46):
And that's my thing is that like these book, these
self help books, these like relationship cat and Mouse game
advice they have on TikTok, I get what the purpose is,
like the underlying purpose if the execution. For me, it's like,
at the end of the day, you do not need
to play mind games to get someone to like you.
(22:06):
I think this ties into independence in the sense that,
like I know that I am my own person. I
know that I have my own goals, I have my
own values, I have my own idea of self worth.
None of that is depending upon who I'm with. And
I think at any time when those feelings or ideas
of self worth become tied up to another person, you
(22:27):
are not going to be happy because you're going to
feel constantly anxious that a person might drop the ball
or they did drop the ball, you know. And I
think that one thing that's helped me in terms of
independence is knowing that, like I have my own thing
going on, like I have school, I have work, I
have my friends. Like at the end of the day,
I'm going to prioritize what's best for me. But if
you're not giving me what I need, you're not adding
value to my life. You're not You're an addition, not
(22:50):
a subtraction. Then like I'm not wasting my time anymore,
you know. I think society pressures women, especially to like
stay and they're like, oh, you can change them, you
can fix Still they'll learn you had to condition them.
Like them, We're not training dogs, like these are human beings,
you know. And like I'm very much a proponent of
if they wanted to they would. And I do understand that,
(23:11):
like sometimes things happen that like they actually couldn't. But
I think the underlying idea of that sentiment of like,
if they wanted to, they would like if the one
to hang out with you, the one made a plan,
if they wanted to respect you, they would have. If
they liked you and be with you, they would be
with you.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
You know.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
I think it's very simple. At the end of the day.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Yeah, anything that's feasible that they could do if they
wanted to, they would, Yeah, exactly. And I think also
with mind games, how long do those things actually last?
Because of course, when you get into relationship, no matter
how much you want to deny it and say, oh,
I'm a true So whatever you mask at the beginning
of a relationship, you're putting your best self forward. And
I you know, I think masking is a good word
because and I'm using it right now in a positive connotation.
(23:49):
I think when people go on like first dates or
they're in the period of just seeing another person, you're
not showing them all of your true self. You know,
that comes way later. And I think that if you
lead into it already putting your best self forward which
is normal, and adding an additional layer of playing games,
you know, like I have to wait three hours to
text them back. I have to make him think that
I'm busy when really you're just sitting in your room.
(24:10):
I think that if you keep that up for what
two or three months, how is that actually sustainable? Because
what if you guys end up in a long term relationship,
is that just gonna end? That's not going to make
you feel good if they have a negative reaction to
you ending these mind games when they actually thought you
were I don't know an independent person, and really you're not.
And I think if you're on this self journey to
(24:30):
become more independent, that's fantastic, But do it for yourself
and do it for your own mental health and not
for a guy, because that is never sustainable and it
never works out in the long term.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
And like ear, irrespective, irrespective perspective, no respective per er,
respective my respective I'm gonna say it so confidently that
it's gonna be the right word, irrespective of no, I forgot,
I say, okay, yeah, irrespective Ear, I'm tapping my shoulder,
(25:03):
irrespective of how attractive this person is or how you
think you're in love with them, because girl, I promise
you this could literally be Chris Evans. Sorry, Chris Evans.
If they don't treat you right, you do not want them.
Like I have been with people who I thought were
the most attractive person in the world, who like it's
meant to be blah blah blah blah blah, and then
you get on the other side, You're like, oh, never mind,
but sid's twenty twenty. It is do you want to
(25:27):
be with someone that you have to play games with
to be with? Or do you want to be with
someone long term that you feel like you lost yourself
in a relationship?
Speaker 2 (25:35):
For right, it's exhausted.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
Like, I get that being single is hard, it's not
fun sometimes, like it might feel lonely, but like we
always say, being alone and being lonely are not the
same thing. Like I've been alone for six months now
and I've never felt this confident or happy in myself.
And like the journey here was not pretty. It was
actually pretty ugly in ghetto. But now that I'm here,
like I feel like I can go into relationships so
(26:00):
much more headstrong and knowing that I can retain a
sense of self because I do feel like in my
last relationship, I did lose myself. Like even people tell
me that I felt I was acting different, like I
only want to spend time with him, and like the
way that he would respond to me or act the
tone of his text could depict my mood for the
entire day. That should not be happening. You know. It's like,
(26:21):
if I'm in a relationship with someone, I should be happy,
and I get that, like things happen sometimes, but it's
like if I feel like I'm constantly in a bad
mood or constantly upset or having to change myself to
trying the peace, but I think that they want I
do not and should not be with that person. I
think that's hard to come to terms when you're in it,
but I promise you, being on the other side, you'll
(26:41):
thank yourself for doing the work now to ensure your
happiness later.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
Yeah, when you're in a relationship the other person making
you feel happy and stable and secure. I think those
last two words are specific favorites of mine. I think
that's the most important thing of all time, because you know,
the other things like humor and generosity and kindness are
also very important, But above all, you should feel like
you're wanted. And as a leo and as someone who
(27:06):
has a lot of pride, I feel like I've been
able to get to a place very early on which
I'm very happy about, where I can base my how
attracted I am to a person on how attracted they
are to me. You know, if you show me that
you're attracted to me and you respect me and you
want to spend time with me, that'll just make me
all the more attracted to you.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2 (27:27):
So aside all the superficial shit, if you literally just
make me feel secure, You're You're good. You accomplished step
number one. You know, in my book there are fifty steps,
but at least you're on the right track.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
I get so all, I'll get literally so annoyed. Whomen
I like nice guys finish last.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
No, if you ever call yourself a nice guy, you're
not a nice A nice guy? Thank you?
Speaker 1 (27:49):
Like because you treat a woman with the expected respect.
When I say expected the bare minimum b A R
E minimum deminimus like you literally you show up, that's
all you do. You are not a nice guy. And
I think that that's one thing is like I feel
as though I don't know if it's because of social media,
(28:09):
or because of rom comms, or because of the way
that we've conditioned ourselves, like as a species of human beings,
is that we expect so little from men and when
they are not even men relationships in general, So when
we get that little bit, we think that we're fulfilled.
And I don't know about everyone else, but like I'm not,
and I think about it, Like, think about all the
(28:29):
rom comms we grew up watching, like how is a
guy in ten Days?
Speaker 2 (28:32):
I was thinking about that before you even said it.
I mean, when you even introduced this subject, I was
thinking about how to lose a.
Speaker 1 (28:38):
Guy in ten days? Or even like Sex and the City,
and like all these rules we learned about, like the
three date rule or like whatever else was discussed. Like
I love those movies and those shows, but like we're
still gonna watch them. Yeah, I'm still gonna watch them.
But like the thing is, we don't realize how formative
that is. And for so long I thought that that's
the way I should have been treated, and I that's okay,
(28:59):
it's so so corny, But the line from person being
a wallflower, it's like you accept the love you think
you deserve. I think that is so true. She kind
of ate with that whoever wrote that, of course, like
I want some fairy tale lovey dove like perfect whatever.
But like I learned very quickly growing up that that
kind of love is not like easily accessible. This has
(29:20):
happened to most people, but I didn't realize that, like
I still deserve respect, I still dederve to have high standards,
I deserve to be treated well, et cetera, Like I
know what needs my need to be met nor for
me to be a happy relationship. But I think that
instead of realizing that, I was on the other end
of the spectrum where I was like, find this guy
treating like crap makes me feel like saied about myself.
(29:40):
At least I'm with someone and I deserve that, you know. Yeah,
So I think retaining some sense of like self worth
or self value and realizing, like we literally said earlier today,
you are the prize. Realizing that like this person is
lucky to have you need to treat you as such
is so important. And we've been kind of talking like
negatively about I guess not really negatively, but like the
(30:02):
steps taken to get to relationship. But now that you're
like in relationship, i'd like, there are different things that
you can do even if you are happy to retain
some sense of independence, you know, for sure.
Speaker 2 (30:13):
I don't know if you heard it said like I
don't know eight minutes ago, but I said, when you
make me feel stable and secure, that's step one of
the way. Yeah, you know, And for me personally, I
have about fifty steps. I am very high maintenance. I
am not ashamed to say that. You know. I take
like three hours to do my makeup, and I like
things a certain way, and I like pretty sparkly things,
and you know, and I like to go out to
(30:34):
eat and or whatever. Cindy and I talked about a
couple of episodes ago needs versus standards, and I think
that those things all count as standards. And then my needs, however,
are like generosity, loyalty, security, a sense of humor, et cetera.
All the things that you can't really change about a person,
your core values, your personality. And I think that when
you're with a person like that, it makes it that
(30:57):
much easier to be independent because you feel secure. So
that's just the first layer of what I have to say.
The second thing is that not even talking about relationships,
I think being independent in a relationship has nothing to
do with the relationship, little to do with the relationship
other than what I just said. I think that, yes,
security makes it easy to be independent, but you should
already be on that independence journey before you start dating somebody.
(31:20):
And if you aren't, and if you are dating somebody
and you're like, ooh, maybe I do want to work
on my independence, all the power to you. But just
make sure you're doing it for yourself and it's completely independent,
you know, And make sure you're just doing the things
that you like to do and the things that you're
interested in, because finding a sense of self is so important.
(31:41):
So for example, my boyfriend likes sports and like EEDM,
I don't like sports, and EEDM, and yes, I do
make sacrifices to go with him to do those things
because it makes him happy, and therefore it makes me happy.
But there is a real sense of power that I
cannot explain, how self fulfilling and peaceful it makes me
to go and do the stuff I like to do
with the people I love that have nothing to do
(32:02):
with him by myself. Even I mean last week I
was like in Midtown for a I mean, I got
my phone stolen, so I was getting a new phone,
not important, and I was kind of wandering the streets
in this area that I've never been in. And it
was like six o'clock.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
On a Friday.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
I didn't have plans for the next three hours, and
I said to myself, you know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna find a jazz bar and I'm gonna sit down.
I'm gonna tell nobody that I'm here, and I'm you know,
and I'm gonna just sit here and enjoy and I'm
not gonna lie. My first thought was like, oh, let
me text Sack and see if he's out of work,
see if he wants to join me, because I know
he works near here. No, I wanted to do something
for myself at the time that I wanted to do it.
(32:39):
I didn't want to wait for anybody. I didn't want
to depend on anybody else. And that's just one example
of how I've tried to incorporate independence in my relationship.
But doing stuff like that for you it makes you
a better person, not only for yourself in the sense
where it gives you peace and sanity. But it makes
you a better partner, you know, because it gives you
the space that you need, and it gives you, like
the independence that is necessary in every relationship.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
In my opinion, I think that sometimes people see independence
and relationship in a Saint Sanince as an oxymoron, and
I think it's the actually the complete opposite, because.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Wait, what was it? I was reading something and they're good, right, No,
you know what. Sorry, I am playing with my armpit
right now, everybody, because I missed it. This is the
smallest patch of hair when I was shaving it and
playing with it.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Clicks to play with it. I'm like trying to braid
it all right. Ill, that's disturbing people like hear the
phrase independence and the relationship and think of it as
an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp. Don't why that was my.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
Ex Like I totally and I completely agree.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
I don't think it is because, Okay, when we say independence,
we mean like having a life outside your relationship. Like
I think there's independence emotionally, there's independence physically independence the
other lees, but okay, start with emotionally. We kind of
already talked about it. But I think, like I said,
even my last situationship like this last few months I
(34:16):
or before my celeb set, I was like, am not
even dating this person? And my emotions are so tied
up with them that I'm acting in a way that
I've never acted before one and I feel like I'm
losing myself. Like the way that I was acting something
I would ever do before and it's not me. And
I could recognize that as it was happening was starting
to freak me out. And I think the reason was
(34:37):
that I was subconsciously connecting my sense of happiness or
sense of self or sense of self worth in that person.
So like if they didn't answer my text, or they
got with someone else, or they treated me any kind
of way, it was like, hey, what's wrong with me?
Not why is not a healthy situation? Or they wouldn't
text me back, or they wouldn't act the way I
(34:57):
expected them to. What's wrong with me? Nothing? Like, It's
not about who I am as a person and the
way they treat me, the way that they act, like
we always say, is a reflection of them, not a
reflection of my worth. And that took me a long
time to like not only understand and realize, but to internalize.
So that's what I mean when I say, like I
want to be independent emotionally, mean that I love this person,
(35:19):
I have feelings for them. I want to be there
for them and be a good partner. But at the
same time I need to know that like, as an individual,
I'm whole, like they are not. People are like we're
two souls and what No, I am my own soul.
I am my own person. You add to my life.
You are not what makes me whole.
Speaker 2 (35:34):
Yeah, or you sure the same heart? Or yeah, hey,
like you.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Make me whole. No, you're not a puzzle baby. No,
You're a whole on your own. I think that's the
first thing. Second is independence physically in the sense of
like kind we were talking about. It is like being
able to go on my own or hang out with
my friends and be fine, Like, I do not need
to be with that person twenty four freaking apps.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
And you literally said I have three points and here
they are hick lawyer.
Speaker 1 (35:58):
And that's weird. I'm coming up this on the fly.
I do not need to do that person twenty four
hours day. And my relationship is like I felt I
had to be with him all the time or I'd
be upset, like, Okay, that's given codependence. Don't want to
do that. And I think people are like, but you're
supposed to be in love. No, yes, you can be
in love and still spend five minutes or one year.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
Yah, it's not what love is attachment at the hip.
Speaker 1 (36:21):
And I think even so, like having a strong sense
of independence will make you a better partner in the
sense that like, if I'm able to be on my
own and pour into myself, be confident in myself, and
work on myself, then I can show up as a
better partner, you know. So I think that while it
might seem oxymoronic, so I'm saying, for example, so I
(36:42):
like want to use big words at the same time,
like doing that work on myself and giving myself a
sense of independence and ability to be outside the relationship
will help my relationship in turn be.
Speaker 2 (36:54):
Healthier exactly, because I mean when I find that I,
you know, have my parents over for like a long weekend,
or when I choose to you know, even if let's
say that there might have been plans involved in the
first place, if I had to change those plans because
I know I need space, that is very very healthy
to go hang out with my friends. I do so,
and I think that in turn, that makes me show
(37:15):
up the next time me and my boyfriend hang out
as a better partner, and I know he does the
same thing, which makes me really happy.
Speaker 1 (37:20):
So it is.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
Not osmoronic at all. But you do need to focus
on being independent yourself, even if your goal is to
especially if your goal is to show up as a
better partner, not even I meant especially if your goal
is to show up is like a better girlfriend or
a better boyfriend, a better partner. In general, your focus
should be on yourself primarily, put yourself first, especially if
(37:42):
it is to show up as someone's better half.
Speaker 1 (37:44):
You know. I think like one thing that isn't really
talked about enough is that with independence comes trust, because
like I see this on TikTok, I see if my
friends I see it. I guess in other places where
it's like like boys' night, everygl get scared people looking
at stories, listening to the audio and the background the stories,
(38:06):
looking at maps.
Speaker 2 (38:07):
Got a set of acrylic nails in the background of
this one picture on his.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
Story exactly like because they're not with you, you don't
trust them. That is a big a big old red flag.
Like I know that, Like if I'm with someone and
I got with my girls, I'm not doing anything that's
going to you as my relationship because I'm a human being,
know how to act, you know. So I feel like
if you have a problem or they have a problem
with you hanging out with your friends, that's a sign
(38:31):
of control Number one, Ill and Rittie. If you cannot
trust your person to hang out with their guy friends
or their girlfriends or whatever because you don't trust them,
that is a red flag. You should be able to
trust your partner, and if you don't, then maybe reflect on.
Speaker 2 (38:44):
That exactly because think about it, that could either be
a you problem, like you could have trust is who's
based off of your last relationship, family, friends, extenuating circumstances,
or it could be a reflection of what your partner
is showing you. And I think that exactly what Cindy said.
If you do find yourself not trusting your partner, a
good look in the mirror is what's needed, whether it's
either of those problems. And I you know, we also
(39:06):
talked about recently your partner having friends of the opposite
sex and how a lot of people get really intimidated
by that. But Siddy and I were saying a couple
of episodes ago, how we think that's actually really really
important because that shows you not only how they act
around people of your own gender, if that applies to you,
but also how they act around those people when you're
(39:26):
not there, and that can build trust as well. You know,
like you're a normal person, treat like you know, treat
everybody the same. You know, it shouldn't make a difference.
Speaker 1 (39:35):
And even like Story of Time, if you visit this podcast,
this is the latter half of the second season, you
know that my ex were extremely unfaithful, like not even
cheating once twice or ten times, more like twenty five
jillion eleven times.
Speaker 2 (39:52):
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
No, honestly, I don't even know how many time that
much time in a week, Like I don't incommend him
for that, but it kind of me feel more controlling,
like I want to know where he was at all times.
I don't know why I didn't tell myself, hey, he's cheating,
you know that, why you can turn about where he
is like he's doing it, and so he's doing it,
Like it doesn't really matter where he is honestly, However,
(40:14):
I will say while there I did have his location,
he would still cheat. He did not care. He went
on a boy's trip and this is like probably the
last big thing that ended relationship because if you saw
our last episode last season, I was crying on Bex
I found out he was cheating again. This is after that. Unfortunately,
he went on a bachelor trip to Vegas, and I knew,
(40:38):
I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew he's gonna
do something. I typed that feeling because he does it
all the time and.
Speaker 2 (40:43):
He's never not done anything.
Speaker 1 (40:45):
He had packed provisions and Okay, I'm not proud of
this one, but I am prouds and made me realize
that it was the end. The provisions were new provisions,
they were still saran wrapped from CBS, if you know
what I mean. And so he went on trip barely
talk to me the entire trip. I was anxious and
literally sick to myself with the entire time. So I
(41:05):
was like, maybe after this whole ordeal, he's finally learned
this lesson. He realizes that, like he wants to be
with me after fricking four years of being together, maybe
he'll like finally grow up at the age of twenty
eight and change. Uh uh, what's that word? I don't
know spoiler alert. He didn't, and so he gets home
asked me to come over to unpack his bag red
(41:28):
flag number of five hundred and the provisions are no
longer sealed and new and that's how I knew something
had happened. And he had the audac and mind you, Okay,
that's too much detail anyway, mind you? Mind you that
I had inquired about if he had done anything, and
he was adamantly like, no, I did not. So I
was like, did you play with them like we guys
use him as balloons? Like why were they opened and used?
(41:51):
And continue to lie and lie and light and light
and lie until finally, like I had confronted in him
and I was like, you have one more chance to
tell me the truth. Where I'm done told me the truth?
I mean, I'm still done spoiler alert. But that was
the thing I was like, why was I Like I
thought it was normal to feel sick and anxious about
him doing something on his own that shouldn't have that
(42:11):
that wasn't really anxiety. The anxiety It's like subconsciously. Was
that I knew he was doing something unfaithful. Yeah, that
shal we don't focusing on that then should not be
normal for anyone, you know. I think that was the
final push. I need to realize that, like you're dating
someone who's a habitual cheater, that's not going to change.
You cannot change him. After four years, he's gonna keep
doing what he wants to cheat, cheat, So I think
(42:33):
that's when I learned time to snip, snip cut. I
think sniptipcut. Actually it took four years, not a lot
of heartbreak, but I did it.
Speaker 2 (42:39):
We talked about this earlier this season too, but the
phrase want a cheater, always a cheater, Sidney and I
were trying to debunk it, and we realized that nine
to nine point nine nine nine percent of times the
phrase is true. And I guess there is an exception
to that role maybe once in a great while, meaning
point zero zeroes, you're one percent that like if they
cheat ones okay, like whatever, it's a slip. But literally,
(43:01):
if your man is cheating on you and you know it,
I'm telling you right now, there's a ninety nine point
nine nine percent chance, not just your boyfriend, You're not
just your husband, like anybody that you're seeing whatever. There
is a very very.
Speaker 1 (43:12):
Good chance that will ever change.
Speaker 2 (43:13):
Unfortunately. Also, so before we wrap, I am going to
share something that because I feel like, obviously I've been
talking about my relationship a lot on this episode because
that's the topic. But I'll share something that I'm struggling
with in this regard in my relationship, and I'll preface
it with this right now. My boyfriend and I have
(43:34):
been dating for or seeing each other for I think
around eight months, crazy to think about, and we still
do not have our location shared with each other. And
I've never brought it up because in my previous relationship
we had our location shared with each other I think
since month one, and he used that as ammunition against me,
(43:56):
I think once a week, you know, like, oh, I
thought you said you were on your way home. I
thought you that you were home, and then I'd get
home two minutes later. Just weird stuff like that, where
he would always try to use that as a seed
of distrust when really nothing was happening. It's literally the
topic of the whole episode. So I think, and I know,
obviously my current boyfriend and my ex are not the
same person. But at the same time, it's really hard
(44:18):
just because of such a recent experience that I've had
to go into it, because I, of course I can't
help but think, even though he's done nothing to indicate
that he would act that same way, what if I
share it with him? And that is just you know
what I mean. So I'm kind of like avoiding it,
and I feel like, even if he did ask to
share my location, I don't know what I would say.
I don't know if i'd be like okay, or if
(44:39):
I would kind of say, oh, I'm not really ready
for that yet when we've literally been dating for eight months.
So I kind of wanted to get your opinion and
if you have an opinion or advice for you to
dm us. But I figured i'd share something that wasn't
so perfect about my side of things, where maybe I
could seem a little more relatable.
Speaker 1 (44:54):
Two things. One like you kind of already said it yourself.
But I think it's so easy to project fears from
past relationship onto a current one. I did the same
thing recently, and I think that's like self work you
have to do to realize, like, these are different people.
But I think getting to the root of the fear
of like it being a distrust thing. I think to
(45:18):
realize that you have to give him the chance to trust,
you know. So I think that if he does react
the same way that you're exit a snip snip, you know,
like that's going to reveal what you need to know,
you know. I think the fear is that they're going
to act in a way that you're not gonna like.
But if they do, then like that's indication that they're
gonna act that way anyway, at least you know now
and not later, you know exactly. Also, that'shit can be
(45:40):
revoked so fast. Sorry to turn location off. You know,
I love locations. I be on my little map, like,
oh where is everyone Everyone's home? Okay?
Speaker 2 (45:49):
Well, because also it's a safety thing as well. I mean,
I know, I'm always on my location checking to see
if ken then your chances are getting home, especially if
like you're out of chances out or whatever. But at
the same because we're all really not text hers, but
you know, so for safety purposes, if you or Chance
or Camden want to know if anything's wrong, you guys
have my location. I don't necessarily need my current boyfriend
(46:11):
to have my location, even if it is for safety purposes,
because my mom has it, my dad has it, you know,
and I have nothing to hide in that regard. So
it's like, it's not like he needs to have it.
I don't really know why I would ask him to
have it at this point. But it's almost like, do
I just bite the bullet and go ahead and ask
to get my answer or it's not even the I'm
not even looking for an answer, you know, like this
(46:31):
isn't really a test. I feel like I set this
up to seem as if, oh, I would only ask
him to see if he is the same as my ex.
And that's not really what I'm implying. And I know
you know that, but I just want to make sure
everybody knows that. But at the same time, and this
is top of mind, just because my phone did recently
get stolen and I was out with my boyfriend and
it would be it would have been really helpful if
(46:52):
he had my location and he was like, oh, you know,
as a joke, next time we go out, make sure
you share your location with me, and yeah, and I
just kind of never did.
Speaker 1 (47:01):
I would just I would even make it a conversation.
I'm just share it. That's one thing also that I
feel like our generation does that. I also do. Actually,
every three seconds we make a having such a big
deal like should I ask click the button? Just do it?
You know, Niketa?
Speaker 2 (47:18):
Yeah, I like though, I I you know, and this
kind of relates to the topic of the episode. I
like that I am not worried about sharing my location
with him, you know, just like, oh, I'm worried about
what he thinks, but because of something that's personal and
like something that's unique to my own experience. Honestly, we're
done with the episode. It's fifty minutes.
Speaker 1 (47:36):
We love you.
Speaker 2 (47:36):
Make sure to follow us on TikTok and Instagram at
Crying in Public Podcasts and you can listen to us
on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and I Heart or wherever you
get your podcasts. We love you.
Speaker 1 (47:45):
We're gonna go.
Speaker 2 (47:45):
We just got a huge pr box from Poppy and
we are going to enjoy our new grape flavored soda.
Speaker 1 (47:52):
Good by to another one that's like, don't know what
the grape.
Speaker 2 (48:00):
I thought, I don't know strawberry and you should get
some grape soda.
Speaker 1 (48:05):
Yeah, I know, I know. Oh yeah, you're right. Bye, bye, Hello,
Host
Sydni Wynter
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