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October 31, 2023 39 mins

This week the hosts discuss their tried and true methods for moving on---from friendship break-ups, situationship sufferings, to relationship woes. 

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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello. I think it's funny that you count up instead
of counting down. Oh, instead of like three two one,
I go on two three. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (00:07):
Well, I know I'm trying to go against the grain
because I know when I carrel theated three two one right.

Speaker 1 (00:11):
Yeah, I was like, why do we decide? That is
like the sand of like how to start something I
know well?

Speaker 2 (00:16):
And then dancing it's like a five six seven.

Speaker 1 (00:21):
I love how you do. Don't say it of.

Speaker 2 (00:23):
Course, line, of course, line, that's a great day. I
know the entire thing that dance.

Speaker 1 (00:30):
Every sixth grade jazz class, like this is the standard.
So that's like ready, set go. So I think it
dance is like a little bit like different, is like
by six seventy eight. But the best part it, excuse me,
the best part is you know who does theater versus dance?
Because dance it's five six seven eight, fet it's a
five six seven eight. That is the best distinction I've

(00:51):
ever heard anybody made.

Speaker 2 (00:52):
Yeah by six and then oh my god, and it's
always more enthusiastic too. In it's theater, it's everyone's like
screaming a five to six seven, and then it's in
dance it's your teacher going.

Speaker 1 (01:02):
Yelling at sick and you can tell, like what style
of dance it is by the five six, Like the
one that you just did is like a very like ballet,
baby jazz, hip hop.

Speaker 3 (01:12):
It's like five sec yeah, and then tap is it's
like perky. Oh, I love how you knew I miss
tapped so much all same, like's it scratched my brain?

Speaker 1 (01:24):
Yeah? It did taps like I do with my boots
sometimes like it doesn't hit the same I want going.

Speaker 2 (01:28):
To like clap clap, clap, flap and a little flat.

Speaker 1 (01:31):
Ball change change. What is it you? Timestep, timestep, triple
time steps. To me, triple time steps are easier than
timesteps that sense I know double time steps. I can
get triples like done done done. Then yeah. Sometimes it's
hard to be.

Speaker 2 (01:51):
It's hard to be a dancer and so flexible and sexy.
What can I say? I love talking to people about
your history because you were a dancer, you were uh
gymnast and also a cheerleader.

Speaker 1 (02:02):
So it's like it's super cool to you have the
trifecta going on. And it's so funny because in elementary
school I was voted the most likely to be famous,
but in like an Oprah way, where like, you don't
know what she's famous for. I guess someone held a
gun to your head and like why is Oprah famous?
You'd be like, uh, well, I was the first thing
I think? Is that the talk show anymore? Still? It's
like Ellen, I know.

Speaker 2 (02:21):
But here's the thing about Ellen is that she's doing
other show, right, didn't she Isn't she hosting another show?
It's like that weird show which tries to guess the
kids that were on her show?

Speaker 1 (02:28):
Or is that? Was that just like a special? That's
a special? Oh? I only thought that leade though. Yeah.
But you know who I really respect is Stedeman exactly.

Speaker 4 (02:39):
Oh.

Speaker 1 (02:39):
Steedman has been Oprah's boyfriend for like five hundred years,
never got married. You never see him, don't know what
he does. He's just there.

Speaker 2 (02:45):
I love Chris Kardashian's boy or husband, boyfriend.

Speaker 1 (02:49):
Who avers dinner. At first, I was like, who's Chris Kardashian? Oh? Yeah, sorry, yeah.
Stedman Graham is Oprah's boyfriend. He's seventy two. Yeah, and
she They got engaged once in the nineties and never
got married, but we've been together since nineteen eighty. Oh
my god, period with that man in my house? I know,
that's like that over Whoopie Goldberg interview were they were like,

(03:12):
why don't you ever get married? She's like, I don't
want a random man in my house, and she's all
right for that.

Speaker 2 (03:17):
I also can't believe I'm really upset about the Ellen
degenerous like claims that I feel like she has the
calmest voice of all time. So I'm just I'm picturing
her yelling at her staff and just being like, get
me a cup of coffee, Like that's Dory from Finding Nemo.

Speaker 1 (03:31):
I don't understand it, Like what does she have to
yell about? Like, let's bring that kid over here.

Speaker 2 (03:35):
Okay, get the scary man in the costume right now
to scare Kylie Jenner autn't.

Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yeah, it's like weird. Yeah, you know, I can never
be like an assistant in Hollywood because yelled and me
I'm a yell back.

Speaker 2 (03:46):
Yeah right, I'm really I never had a problem with
authority until I got to college. I remember this because
Cindy and I took a class together, and in high
school I was.

Speaker 1 (03:54):
Really good he two shoes. I would always you know,
worship the ground my teachers walked on. I would always
use my hand.

Speaker 2 (03:59):
I would always laugh their jokes, but not like a
kiss ass, like I would literally.

Speaker 1 (04:02):
Think that they're funny, which is weird.

Speaker 2 (04:04):
I think my first professor ever in college asked his
students to call him by his first name, and then
I just power.

Speaker 1 (04:09):
Trip from that. That's so hard about adulthood is like
I still call your mom mission, I call Chances mom,
miss Joe Cell because like, growing up, I would never
call an adult by their first name, even though I'm
also an adult. Now I'm a younger adult. I'm the
baby adult. I'm the baby of the adults, so I
still forget to talk to the adults of the adults,

(04:29):
like by their first names like millennials or gen X. Yeah,
well no Millennials, you're ginny to me. But like like
my like bosses at work, where they'll be like I'm
just like call me Larry and I'll be like yeah,
so I'm like I don't know. It's a bit with
but like my professors, I just called him by their

(04:49):
last names, like no mister, missus or doctor. It's like
just like, hey, Guberman, I don't know why you have
like on top of your head, Guberman, but yeah, sure
that was their name.

Speaker 4 (05:00):
I know.

Speaker 2 (05:00):
And now, like with my boss even I feel like
it's hard because I'm like, you're three years older than me,
Like why are you bossing me around?

Speaker 1 (05:07):
Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 (05:08):
It's like, I know, obviously you're my superior, which I
respect and I respect you, if that makes sense, But
as like someone who's also gen z, I'm like, it's
the problem that I had with Greek life.

Speaker 1 (05:20):
It's the problem I had with.

Speaker 2 (05:21):
My sorority and the eboard on that sorority. It was like,
like I love my sorority, but I did drop for
a reason. It's because, like I feel like people power trip.
I'm like, you're literally six months older than me. Why
are you standing there bossing me around? Like why are
you telling me I can't do this? And I have
to do this? And if it's a privilege to do this,
it's like, you know you were a baby twenty years ago,

(05:41):
please settle down, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (05:43):
That's what kills me about. Like I'm on the board
of my organization at law school, I feel the opposite,
and I think it's different from undergrad in the sense
that like an undergrad, like you know everyone's age, Like
if you are a senior, you're clearly older than someone
who's a freshman. If you're a sophomore, young some. But
in law school because there's no like set year when

(06:04):
you start, like most of the people, I'm probably the
youngest person or one of the youngest people, and like
Ki's hire of the law school. That's not you being
a second year. So like when it comes to like
board stuff, when people are like demanding things of me,
like I'm like, you are literally twenty nine years old,
you have three kids, and you're whining to me about
like I didn't do this right or you didn't give it,

(06:24):
Like what are you young at me about? I'm literally
a child. I'm a young girl. Please stop.

Speaker 4 (06:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (06:30):
And then it's also really annoying when it gets hypocritical
because I get yelled at for something and then they
did the same thing a couple days later and they're like, oh.

Speaker 1 (06:37):
It's fine, but when I did it, it was a problem.
It was a huge issue. But I'm literally only a
year young, and they're like, you ramp the position, you
could have this power and responsibility. I am the secretary
trying not to make Instagram graphics or are you yelling
at me? That's my thing?

Speaker 2 (06:52):
My job is in social media, and I'm not even
talking about one specific job is all my jobs.

Speaker 1 (06:56):
I'm in social media.

Speaker 2 (06:57):
So when I get in trouble with like brand deals
or with like my superiors, I'm.

Speaker 1 (07:00):
Like, what I do TikTok for a living? Please catch
me a break.

Speaker 2 (07:05):
I don't understand, Like, I know that I'm smart, but
people will take it so seriously. They're like, at a
timestamp number zero point five zero, you said up and
you were supposed to say diagonal up, Like you know
what I mean?

Speaker 1 (07:17):
It just makes no sense. I don't know. That's honestly.
What's so funny to me about like the influencer side
of things is like seeing how much work and back
and forth goes behind like one ad. Then I see
the same ad on TikTok and I just scroll plastics.
I don't want to watch it. Yeah, exactly. If I
see this as an ad, I do not watch it
because why would I or TikTok shop I scroll.

Speaker 2 (07:36):
I don't even care what I can't saytok me neither.
I think it's dumb, but I respect you, like get
your bag. If it works for you, that's awesome, but
like for me, I would never do it just because
I think it's.

Speaker 1 (07:45):
A little bit pandering, et cetera.

Speaker 2 (07:46):
And also I just feel like people don't watch those anyway,
and also annoys me when brand deals and brands like
the liaisons don't listen to you about what you want.
So either the liaison or the client like they don't understand.
It's like, I know what's going to get views because
it's my account. So you're telling you that the video
needs to be like a minute and a half long,
and you have to talk in depth about the product
that's gonna make it seem like an ad. If it
seems like an ad, people aren't going to watch, and

(08:08):
then they get pissy when it gets sixty views. I'm like, well,
you didn't listen to me, so I don't know what
you want me to do.

Speaker 1 (08:12):
Next. Thing is like I feel like if they ask
you to do something, they should trust your judgment on it. Yeah,
you know, it annoys me that much more too.

Speaker 2 (08:17):
When you reached out to me, it's almost like, I mean,
I there is some kind of like trust that has
to be had and it is my channel, Like who
else would know better than me?

Speaker 1 (08:26):
And sometimes I look up, you know, sometimes.

Speaker 2 (08:27):
I post videos that aren't ads or sponsorships and they
only get like six hundred views. Like I posted a
video today, like hours ago, and it still only has
like a thousand views, And I'm like, Okay, this is
really annoying. But even something like that would perform better
than a minute and a half me talking about a
product that has nothing to do with my channel. You know,
you have to trust me to like integrate it with
my own content. Yeah, it's frustrating, and I know, yeah,
Sonny and Might both struggle with that for sure.

Speaker 1 (08:47):
It's hard. For sure, it's hard to up here like
get my bag and keep it moving. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 (08:54):
Today let's just jump into the topic because I feel
like Sidney and I are gonna go off about this.
We are dedicating an entire episode to moving On. I
think mostly today's gonna be about relationships, because that's what
the first that's the first thing you think of when
you think about like moving on, And I feel like,
as twenty something year old women, that's the most prevalent
thing in our life.

Speaker 1 (09:15):
So we're just.

Speaker 2 (09:17):
Gonna go through our experiences. But mainly we're gonna try
and just like help you through it. So what I mean,
everybody goes through heartbreak, Everybody has to move on from
something at a certain point in their life. And so
we're gonna give you, you know, just our little tips
and tricks what helped us and what we think can
help you. It is definitely not a one size fits
all solution, but there are overlapping things that Sinny and

(09:38):
I did to just kind of like get to the
healthy spot we are now, and even now we're still
working through, Like I know, for example, I'll start it
off by saying, like I didd someone for two and
a half years. We broke up a little over a
year ago, and I still find myself like working through
that breakup, if that makes sense. You know, like you
will never be completely healed, and I think that's okay.
That's the beauty of life. We don't have an off switch,

(09:59):
and I think that you should embrace that and just
try and deal with that the best you can. So Sydney,
get us started. What if you moved on from lately?

Speaker 1 (10:08):
So many things, Sorry, but I think that like the
the okay, I think about like this, like I've been
through some pretty tough things, but and I've healed from
them as much as I can. It's all you said,
it's linear. It's not something that you're just like wake
up and you're like, ooh, I'm done. Yeah, it's also
not linear either. It's like you have awesome days and then.

Speaker 2 (10:27):
Like like you can think you're completely healed, and the
next day you wake up and you're like, I'm not
leaving my bed.

Speaker 1 (10:32):
In fact, I'm gonna crawl under it and taken that.
Like I was with someone on and off for four
and a half years, and while I'm like moved on
from that relationship, I have no feelings for that person.
I have no attraction to that person. I have no
desire for that person to be in my life in
any capacity whatsoever. Bolded italicized underlying that part literally mean

(10:54):
that's how I should ever heard, And like I there
with the person that they are un faithful with now
and like I can see like when that first happened,
like I was so deeply hurt by it. But it's
been a year and a half now since we like
finally ended things no contact like whatever.

Speaker 2 (11:14):
Yeah, I'm pretty sure we ended things a little bit
around the say yeah around the same time, because like
we had kept talking for a few months after and
like finally I was like, I don't.

Speaker 1 (11:22):
Want any I think you check any access to me
from the way you treated me whatever. And as hard
as that was, because like that person was like my
basically my entire life for the entirety of my college years,
and it hurt not having in my life anymore, I
realized it is either keep them in my life and
never fully move on, or or stop talking to them,
like permanently no contact and finally like get through that pain,

(11:46):
and yeah, I will say that, like despite me not
wanting them anymore or having any like attraction and desire
towards them, sometimes when things happen in my new relationships,
I see how they can connect thing to happen with him,
and like that hurt will come back. I just kind
of like you said about it not being like h
you finally moved on, you broke up your dining type thing,

(12:06):
And I think there's power in that too. It's like
realizing that I have gotten over it once, I've made
it past it once, I'm still going so I can
heal from it again, saying I think of it more
as a reminder of what I've healed from in the
progress that I can make than thinking of it as
going back in progress, Yeah, or am I healing? It's
part of it, Yeah, exactly. And I'll say that, like

(12:28):
I was talking to someone for like a year on
and off situationships after that breakup during my first year
of law school, and we like officially ended things in September,
I think, And I was scared that. I was, like,
it took me so long to get over my last
like long term ex that like, how's this gonna work.
I'm gonna see this person every day at school because
we go to the same school, we're in the same
friend group, we're in very close friends probable of my

(12:50):
best friends. And so I was like, how do I
heal from someone I'm seeing them every day, hearing about
who they're seeing, who they're dating, who they're hooking up with,
whatever on faily basis. Yes, And I think it just
took a conscious effort for me to like take two
three days to myself and just like feel sad about it,
be upset, cry, be in my notebook bag, whatever, and

(13:11):
then realize that life was going to go on. And
then things do happen for a reason, and it's so
easy to say, but I think internalizing it is so
important that, like you not every relationship that you have
is meant to be like your oh my god, I'm
gonna marry them, They're my forever, my full life or whatever.
Sometimes they're meant to be in your life to teach
you a lesson about yourself, about others, about how you love,

(13:32):
how you receive love, et cetera. So I've been taking
time to reflect on that relationship and being like, I
know what I learned from my past long term X,
how did that play out in my new relationship? What
have I learned about myself? How can I change like
bad behaviors or recognize better behaviors going forward. I think
just seeing it in a more positive life than thinking
about it as like, oh my god, I lost love

(13:53):
of my life has been so much easier, and I've
gone over it a lot faster and like now going
into like talking to new people, I feel like I
have better habits or like a clear vision of what
I want relationship. So just viewing it in a positive light, honestly,
as easy as that sounds and hard it is to do,
I guess make the world of a difference.

Speaker 2 (14:10):
I think yeah, And I do only want to touch
on the light yourself grieve moment for like a couple
of minutes in this episode, because we talk about it
like literally every podcast and if you're new, Hi, I'm Sarah,
that Sidney this is crying the public and we talk
about literally every single podcast episode how important it is
to not let distractions consume your life after going through

(14:31):
something traumatic or like a breakup, et cetera, because that
is just delaying the problem. Like if you don't let
yourself be sad and then you're just you're literally procrastinating
your grieving process in my opinion, And also I have
a major problem with that. Sydney has always been really
good at that, and so when I had my last breakup,
I'm always, you know, coming to her for advice.

Speaker 1 (14:51):
Like how do I sit in my sadness?

Speaker 2 (14:53):
And one way that I kind of got over it
as someone who struggles with that is like if life
was made up of happy moments, then nothing would ever
truly be happy.

Speaker 1 (15:03):
Like life is so complex for a reason.

Speaker 2 (15:05):
It's because you can truly cherish those happy and valuable
moments because you have something to compare them to.

Speaker 1 (15:10):
You know what I mean, there would be no happy
if there wasn't any sad. So like being sad after
a breakup is so not.

Speaker 2 (15:17):
Only normal but integral because then when you finally start
to become happy, when you finally like start eating again
and like going out. And I say that just like
out of experience, it's like you have something to compare
it to, and you're like, Okay, I'm getting better, Like
you can't measure progress if you don't, it's not hitting
rock bottom. But if you don't let yourself grieve and
let yourself be sad, then you're not gonna see any progress.

(15:37):
You're just gonna be delaying the situation. And that just
makes it worse in my experience.

Speaker 1 (15:42):
What do you think about that? Like maxim? I actually
don't really know what I know what maxim means on
like a high level, Like what does it mean on
like a If you ask what it meant right now,
I'd be like, whoa, but what about that maxim or
saying or epitone now whatever? Anyway natural that you can't

(16:05):
get over someone old until you get or someone new?
Is that the same? Oh my god?

Speaker 2 (16:09):
I love talking about this because if you asked me
a year ago, I.

Speaker 1 (16:13):
Would say it's it is necessary. And if you asked
me four years ago, I would say it is not.

Speaker 2 (16:18):
Only necessary, it is like perative, imperative, like it is
literally monumental. However, no, I don't. I don't think that that.
I don't think that there's any truth in that. I
think that, like if you want to get with someone,
or if like sex is your way of kind of
like coping, or if like if you were, it just
depends on the person you are. I can only speak

(16:38):
on my experience, and it's this. I'm a very sex
positive person. So if you want to sleep with someone
like the day after your ex breaks up with you,
or you break up with your ex, I.

Speaker 1 (16:46):
Don't see a problem with that.

Speaker 2 (16:48):
But just as long as you are self aware and
you know that like that is not a fix, that
is not a solution. It is just a band aid
for like the night and like tomorrow when you wake up,
you might feel really shitty about yourself. I mean, for me,
I was seeing someone for like two and a half
years and then I just know, like if I got
with someone the night after, I would just feel really
shitty about myself, Like I would wake up and be like.

Speaker 1 (17:08):
Really anxious, and it's a really big change for me.

Speaker 2 (17:12):
I feel like, to be with the same person for
so long, have feelings for that person, even maybe be
in love with that person, and then immediately fix it
by like getting extremely physical and vulnerable with somebody else
immediately after. To me, that just seems really toxic. I've
done it before. I'm not sitting here trying to act perfect.
I'm not on my soapbox, but I will be like,
you know now, kind of looking back on my experience,

(17:33):
it's like not the best thing to do. I think
you can do it, just like be aware of how
that might affect you in the long term, you know.
So I'm not gonna condemn it, but I will you know,
there's like a big old warning sign.

Speaker 1 (17:45):
That comes with it, if that makes sense. You saying
soapbox is literally sending me because for some reason, I've
heard like four of my friends use the words soapbox
in the last like week. I actually want to know,
why are we keep saying something I feel like a
nineteen sixties term for some reason. You know. My my
vernacular though, is very like yeah, Sarah talks like she

(18:05):
was literally born in nineteen forty.

Speaker 2 (18:07):
And also in one of my acting classes that I
had when I was like thirteen, I never forgot this.
My improv teacher was like, get on your soapbox and
just talk about something you have no idea about, and
like convince us that you know what you're talking about.

Speaker 1 (18:17):
So that's what I did. Oh and really I do
that every day. And I opened my mouth. You're a layer.
It's okay, it is unfortunately what I do for a living.
You got your soapbox for a literal living. You actually
know what you're talking about. You're different. I tried to
because I feel like it's embarrassing if I don't.

Speaker 2 (18:36):
However, confidence is everything, though, you know, like if you
can act confident about whatever you're talking about, people are
gonna believe you.

Speaker 1 (18:41):
It's true. No, honestly, it's true. That's what I did
in college.

Speaker 2 (18:45):
I wrote all my essays and I was like, I'm
sounding like really smart here, so I feel.

Speaker 1 (18:49):
Like people believe in class and I get called on
the way. I just don't answer the question. Be like,
if you think about it theoretically on high level and
really like, do you dig into the analysis, you can
see it. There's an as an answer both ways. It
could go either way. It's really about like your personal understanding.
It's a subjected the facts of the issue, and in

(19:11):
that contextual like analysis, you'll fully find the answer. They
be like yeah, and I'm like, yeah, no, this is
every NYU class that I was in. This is it.
This is it someone raising an answer question.

Speaker 2 (19:21):
Here's what they said, piggybacking off of that subjectively when
you look at it theoretically and in the parentheses and
the undertones of what they're saying, and like when the
manifest content and the latent content is very interesting and
it's a bipartisan issue, and I think, no matter how
you look at it, regardless, it's intriguing literally.

Speaker 1 (19:42):
Every syndic in a test. Yeah, and it's because I
realize some people aren't even listening in the first place.
So this blah blah blah, and you'll be fine. But
like the teachers have lives too.

Speaker 2 (19:51):
They're probably just looking at you, staring in your eyeballs,
thinking about like getting drinks that happy hour with their
coworkers later.

Speaker 1 (19:56):
Let me think about it. I'm like, if someone just
asked you, the person in front of me, or like
that went before me said, I'd be like, uh for Kinna. Yeah,
but anyway, what are we talking about? Oh I don't
know again or someone name? Oh yeah, I have such
complex thoughts on the topic. Yeah, we're just really complex people,

(20:17):
you know. I don't think that it helps you heal
it all because I think what people think is that
if you get with someone new and you get feelings
for them, you just diperate your attention somewhere else. It's
a distraction. Yeah, which yeah, duh, Like that's literally what
it is. But at the same time, it's not gonna
heal you. I think, just like the longer, I'm just

(20:37):
probably what Sarah literally just said, if you consistently, if
you're like a person's like, I don't want to cry,
I don't want to be upset about it. I want
to mope around. I just want to go out and
party and drink. It might be cute for a night,
but that's not gonna help you get over or deal
with any like trauma. Not even I think it's like
a traumatic relationship if it's a normal relationship, like just
learning about yourself, moving on, like getting to yourself in

(21:01):
a new context. Basically, I feel like that you're gonna
do that work no matter what does a matter. If
you're gonna do it now, we're gonna prolong your healing
until later because you like potentially make it worse and
make it worse because you're not It's so hard to
get to a new relationship and do it well and
be in a health relationship until you really fully move
on from someone else. And so I think that I
don't think that that maxim is true. At the same time,

(21:22):
I will say the difference between like me getting over
my four year X and me getting over my one
year situationship and now the whole thing, and like, situationships
hurt more than relationships they do. But I was able
to take it over the situationship faster because I was
talking to someone knew like relatively soon. But at the
same time, like I knew what kind of work I
needed to do because I've done it a year prior,

(21:44):
and it was less of a like emotional taxing thing
because we broke up like every two weeks, so like
I had been doing the work the whole time, So
by time I was done, I.

Speaker 2 (21:52):
Was like, whatever, Yeah, it is instant gratification, Like if
you want to feel better in the moment, go for it,
but then also think about it, like I don't know
I'm going to be a mom here for a second,
but I also think about how it'll affect you in
the long term, not just with your moving on process.

Speaker 1 (22:07):
But with everything.

Speaker 2 (22:08):
Like I don't know what your situation was when you
were like dating your partner, but like are you on
birth control? Are you using protection? Are you being safe
about it? Like do you trust this person? If that
makes sense? Because like as sex positive as I am,
I mean sex positive in a way where it's like,
don't just throw yourself around, because I feel like the
de values is to do like I love sex.

Speaker 1 (22:27):
And I feel like you just kind of flinging it around.

Speaker 2 (22:30):
As like I did this too, by the way, so
like don't again, no soapbox here, but like I feel
like if the more you flinging around, the more it
becomes like not as fun or like not as meaningful,
and like one of the reasons why sex is so
fun is because it's.

Speaker 1 (22:43):
Like, like it is really meaningful.

Speaker 2 (22:46):
It can be like super cool no matter whether or
not it's like a friends with benefits or like a
friend or a hookup, like you know what I mean
I would just say just be careful, tread with caution,
warning with both like your physical and your mental health.

Speaker 1 (22:57):
Like if for someone who really really.

Speaker 2 (22:58):
Values sex, just just like be careful and don't give
it a pure pressure because like one thing that your
friend is, one thing that your friends are definitely gonna
tell you to do is like oh my god, let's
go out. You can like fuck someone else. It's like, okay,
well just tread with caution. Yeah we we we literally
take this out. Yeah, every siren that has gone past
our door or our building has been at.

Speaker 1 (23:20):
Like the perfect time.

Speaker 2 (23:21):
This episode as annoying as it is, Uh, don't be
afraid to seek out support. And also, like who you
are getting advice from, think about their situation as well,
and just like tread with caution there too.

Speaker 1 (23:35):
It's okay to like seek support.

Speaker 2 (23:36):
We don't have to do everything your friends or your
family say, you know, like your mom might be telling
you one thing, while your friends might be telling you
something completely different. So for example, like your friends might
be like, oh be o be ho, and then your
mom might be like, okay, come home for like a month,
you know what I mean. So I just think, like
now is the time to just like do what you
want to do, put yourself first, seek support, but just that,

(23:57):
like don't let anybody tell you what to do. And
I think that's really import And one more thing I
will say is like there is something to staying busy,
Like as much as I would say don't let anything
distract you, like after your grieving period is over, there
is definitely something to staying busy with things that you
love to do, for example, your job, hobbies, hanging out
with friends, going to class. You know, just like stuff

(24:20):
that you really like to do. Don't throw yourself in
it to the point where it consumes you. But letting
yourself be busy is also a good thing, Like don't
just sit there and be sad forever, Like know when
the grieving stops and the delaying begins.

Speaker 1 (24:31):
It's a happy medium. People always say that you find
the one when you're so when you're least looking. That
doesn't mean when you're a minimum looking on when you're
when you're leaves expecting it meaning you're on a hingement
on like a really un.

Speaker 4 (24:45):
Hinde and like never open it early, No, it's me
keep being like no, I least tell everyone I'm like
I'm not looking for something serious right now, and I
look to like the fourth I break the fourth wall,
and I'm like, yeah.

Speaker 2 (24:57):
I am, Yeah, you're jimming it in the office, you're
looking at the camera.

Speaker 5 (25:00):
Week.

Speaker 1 (25:01):
I actually do that a lot, like in normal conversation,
like I'll speak with someone, I'll be like what all
week and then like the wink is going to this
camera right here that's like as behind. Yeah, yeah, I'll
be like a little of it now, and I will
say that, like I feel like a lot of my
like most impact relationships haven't been for me like actively

(25:22):
looking on him and telling every I want a boyfriend.
It's been like, oh, like I ran into this person,
I met them at school, I met them at whatever.
And so I want to put myself in the best
position to be ready for something like that. And that's
kind of where I'm at right now, is that like
I am getting to know someone and like for the
first time literally in my freaky deeky life. I'm like
taking it slow and like making sure this is something

(25:45):
like I do want to pursue long term because I'm
tired of kind of just like jumping in head first
and thinking like oh my god, like we're gonna fall
in love and like it's it's love bombing basically, and
I will say I'm in cancer, so I do love
love bombing. But and then the opposite of that, now
I'm actually it feels like I'm talking to like my brother.
I'm like, okay, hello, But at the same time, it's

(26:06):
like give me the space. And times think like do
I actually like this person? And I saw a video
on this Is it a video or a story whatever
anyway someone was like for so long we always think like,
oh my god, is this guy like me? Does he
want to marry me? And my wifey materials? You think
I'm wifey material? When do we ever ask ourselves do
we actually like this guy or we just want him
to want us? You know, because I see some of

(26:27):
these guys out there, and I'm like, there's no way
that these girlies, beautiful, smart, sweet, changing the world, badass,
smart as crap in the manner literally suck and they're
like throwing themselves doing whatever they can to make this
man want them. And I'm like, girl, do you want him?
Because you shouldn't. They're non attractive, they're mean to you,

(26:49):
they treat you like crap. They make you feel like crap.
And it's that same thing of like being addicted to
the highs and so the lows you can kind of
like get through because you're so different to that feeling
of them wanting you. I really ask yourself, did you
even want this man? Like why would you want to
be with someone? And that's like the one question to
help me get over guy. At most is like with
my ex ante on your situationship, Yes it was toxic,

(27:11):
Yes you had highs and lows, But at the end
of the day, if I ended up with them, what
I want to be treated like this for the next
sixty years. Absolutely freakin' not. So that's like the one
thing that's like, yes, it sucks that I don't have
that kind of like love I thought it that I had,
or like those good memories, those good memories will still exist,
I will have any more of them with them and
that concept necessarily, But at the same time, I have

(27:32):
my piece, which is invaluable.

Speaker 2 (27:33):
So three exactly, I have a question for you.

Speaker 1 (27:37):
Are you ready for this? I'm so ready for this question.
I have an answer. I have two questions.

Speaker 2 (27:41):
Actually, I just thought, oh wow, one, I feel like
there's gonna be a shorter answer, So I answer this
on first one do you think an I'll answer too
after you do. Do you think that your ex calls you?
Like like do you think that your ex refers to
you as the crazy X? And if so, why? And
if not why? And like how do you feel about that?
And then two all these questions have an A, A, B,

(28:03):
A C. And then two is that.

Speaker 1 (28:07):
What do you do?

Speaker 2 (28:07):
Like how would you advise people to handle it when
like the X comes crawling back? Like as part of
your moving on process? Like is there any time where
you should entertain something like that? Like if they're like,
oh I just want closure, like oh we should get dinner,
like oh we should go up again, blah blah blah,
like oh can we get back together?

Speaker 1 (28:23):
Like how do you advise people go through that?

Speaker 2 (28:24):
I know it's on a one size fits all solution,
but I don't know have you ever been through that?

Speaker 1 (28:29):
What would you what would you say? What would you
say to the people people want to hear definitely crazy X.
I mean someone I'd be like, yeah, you're probably right,
But I don't think that I was crazy. You weren't.
That's why I don't I think that I didn't put
up with bad behavior, actually up with a lot, a lot.
That's the issue. It's not that I was crazy. I
think that he may be crazy because I will be damned,

(28:54):
I'll be cracked, I will be whatever other work that's
in that line. If you think that I will allow
someone to disrespect to me, mistreat me, degrade me, and
you'd be like, oh, okay, no, so yes, I think
I'm sure that the men at DATED will call me that.
But at the same time, it's like those are the
same men that aren't countful for their own behavior. Like

(29:14):
if you think that me being crazy is me sticking
up for myself, me not putting up with the way
that you treat me, me telling you that hy tream'
isn't acceptable, then ooh call me crazy woo. You know, Like,
at the same time, I don't really care. They can
call me this, this, and that. I'm done with that
situation and that's all that matters to me. Really.

Speaker 2 (29:33):
I'm not really sure if any of my exes call
me their psycho X, but I think what a lot
of men call their exes psycho in particular, that were
just such a red flag to me because literally the
first thing I asked is what did you do to
make them?

Speaker 1 (29:47):
Psycho? You can't see my finger right now because we're
on a podcast. I want to get Sarah in my
face in agreement. You know that that tis I's like,
she ain't no diva, Yeah, she ain't no diva? Yeah
because yeah, exactly precisely retweet exclamation point yeah.

Speaker 2 (30:04):
Well, because it's like and only when men say it,
When girls say it, I'm like, oh my god, betch
what do you do? But then when girl, when men
say it, I'm like, what did you do to make
her crazy? Because here's my thing, here's my theory. If
you and I'm just thinking of like typical things that
would define you in a man's eyes, a man in particular,
as crazy, right, And in my opinion, that's like going
through his phone doing whatever, like like looking into his past,

(30:27):
like if whatever. And in my opinion, a girl would
only and not, in my opinion this is objective fact,
a girl would only do that if she had reason
to do you know what I mean. It's like if
you gave her reasons to not trust you, that's why
a woman would do that. So it's like, what did
you do to make her crazy, like what did you
do to make her go through your phone? And did
you find anything? Because I would bet the farm that

(30:48):
she didn't.

Speaker 5 (30:48):
The farm and then and I want play it a farm,
and I got two farms now because I'm always right
about that, because I have Literally I can't remember the
last time I heard a situation where a woman who
was like, oh my god, I stopped him.

Speaker 1 (31:02):
I went through his phone and I didn't find anything.
No looking, you will find.

Speaker 2 (31:04):
Looking, you will find And if you feel like you
have to look, chances are like where they're smoked theirs fire,
you're going to find something that one a little bit
thank you smoked.

Speaker 1 (31:12):
Wow. I don't know. Whenever a man calls his X psycho,
I'm like, literally, what did you do?

Speaker 2 (31:19):
There are other words to describe your psychos though, I mean,
wait what there are other words to describe your ex's
that you know expressed that you don't like them anymore,
like they didn't treat you right, psycho, My opinion is
not one of.

Speaker 1 (31:28):
Them, Like I used the word narcissists. Yeah. Also, off,
you're a woman, so he would call it like your
X kind of was a second mine, Like like you
know what I mean?

Speaker 2 (31:36):
Okay, and then the second question was what do you
do in your extens crawling back?

Speaker 1 (31:41):
I say be gone, but they like, you know that
thing where they like put like we can see the
d when you put like crosses anything, and you're like begone. Yeah,
and then like around your holy water literally chains because
steak to stab their heart. Yet think about it. With
my long term ex, y'all had been through this with
me for the last three seasons. You've heard me crown
the show mid show because I find out he cheated

(32:01):
on me, Like y'all have been through the emotions with me.
My thing is that, like we had a cycle. He'd
be so great, perfect boyfriend, love each other. He would
say something awful to me, we'd fight, he'd cheat on me.
I'd find out, then we'd fight, probably that I went
through his phone, so I would apologize and he'd say
it's my fault they cheated. Then we'd fight, then we'd
get back together and be perfect again. We went through
that cycle for four and a half years. Literally, you

(32:24):
took away my prime baddy age. Body was tea, brain
was tea. You took that from me. So I finally
realized that like when we started talking again. After we
broke up, the cycle was starting again, and I was like,
how long will I let myself go through this cycle
before I realized that I deserve better, not even that
I deserved better, I want better. I need better. So

(32:46):
I think that things in for a reason. People leave
for a reason. Obviously, it's not like a blanket statement,
because sometimes, very rarely people do change and they get
back together and they're perfect because they had to learn
something on their own or like it wasn't the right
time whatever. But I think for most cases, or at
least in my cases, like.

Speaker 2 (33:02):
Ninety nine point nine nine nine nine, like don't be
sitting here thinking that you're act is the one.

Speaker 1 (33:06):
That's not We're not talking to you at all. As
I realized that they're coming back because they realize that
I put up with their awful behavior and probably do
it again to again, body tea, brain tea, Like they
knew what they were missing, and like that video that's
like it's not the way you look at the way
you act, act act. Yeah, yeah, they know all of

(33:29):
those things. So I think that they're just not realizing
that they're losing, and it's a little bit too late,
too little, too late, way too late, Like you had
your chance, you could treat me right the first time.
Why would I give you a second, third, and fourth chance?
Disrespect me? Absolutely not. I will go find toweler stept
me and shoot me right on the first try. So
be gone.

Speaker 2 (33:47):
A good part of moving on, My favorite part honestly
is letting go. That doesn't necessarily mean like accepting them
back into your life. I would say forgive, but never forget,
like if you're given us is a core value of yours,
because it is for a lot of p it's not
one of mine. For me, it's more just like letting go,
that's what it. But like I never forget what you
did to me, do you know what I mean? Like

(34:08):
I don't forget in the way where I would never
get back together with you, but I'll let it go
in the way where it's like I can't let you
take up any more in my brain space. For example,
like my first X we are on good terms. That
was like, oh my god, eight years ago at this point,
and it didn't take me that long to get over it.
Like I think he reached out to me a couple
of years back and it was like fine, he was

(34:29):
just like congratulating us on the success with our podcast actually,
which is so that's funny that we're on the podcast
right now. But you know, it's just it's it's stuff
like that where it's like I accepted the message with Grace,
I said, thank you so.

Speaker 1 (34:39):
Much, like hope you're well, and he said, like, oh
my god, you two.

Speaker 2 (34:42):
And I just think like having the ability to stay
sane and do that and like not let them take
up any more of your brain space is key about
moving on. So like grieve think about them. You're not
going to get a medal for not thinking about them
and for like moving on right away, because like I
swear that doesn't exist, and like you're not gonna get
a treat for that, cause like that's.

Speaker 1 (34:57):
Not how humans work.

Speaker 2 (34:58):
But I think like in the end and after you
give yourself a lot of time to actually like dwell
on the moment, if you want to just like let
it go in your brain. Doesn't necessarily mean you can
put yourself down again. Doesn't necessarily mean you have to
degrade yourself and get back together with them, but like
just kind of focusing on yourself and like healing will
do that naturally. It's like you don't even have to
focus on doing that, It'll come with time, and I

(35:19):
think time is like the most important.

Speaker 1 (35:20):
Thing in this scenario. There is no linear or equal
process on moving on. I think that's what we're trying
to say. It's okay to like case for example, like
when the This is a kind of controversial take, but
I think that when in the relationship is like very
toxic and like devastating, like the worst breakup ever, it's
kind of easier to get over them than if it's

(35:40):
like a normal break I think just ended naturally, because
when it comes to like them treating you badly or
like you have a big fire or whatever, like you
have something tangible to point to where you're like I
dislike this person because of this, Like I can I
want to. I don't think you'd hate anyone, but like
I hate this person because of this. I don't want
to do this because of this. But like when there
wasn't ever really like a big issue or like a problem,

(36:02):
I think it's harder to move on. So there's not
something you can like hold on to to say, like
I don't want I'm not with this person because of this,
you know, like with my ex awful, mean, mean bad
easy to move on from me because I'm like I
don't want that in my life. But then like this
person has on and off for a year, like when
I was used to the off, so I was like, okay, whatever,
but also like I knew that deep down, like there's

(36:25):
why some move hard me that loves them because like
we had like a relationship, really close friends, whatever. But
at the same time, like things just didn't work out,
and like that's okay, and I can still hold love
for them and be good friends with them, realize like
they're a great person, has great qualities, and like I'm
glad they're still in my life. But at the same time,
like it's hard not being like, oh we're not we're
not together because of this. This is the problem. This

(36:46):
is why it just didn't work out. But it's easy,
it's easier to or I prefer that I can hold
on to some of that love and move on and
like realize that, like I've learned my lesson from this relationship.
Then like have someone's off and be like, hey, you're
me bad we're done for ever out my life either. Yeah,
So it's kind of like the hard thing to balance
but it and it's not the same for everyone.

Speaker 2 (37:06):
Also, like if you need to cut contact with that
person and never speak to them again, like it depends
on how toxic.

Speaker 1 (37:11):
Someone really is.

Speaker 2 (37:11):
It's like, if you really need to separate yourself permanently,
I think it's a really mature decision to make, and.

Speaker 1 (37:16):
You should do that if that's right for you.

Speaker 2 (37:18):
I know, like my second X, my most toxic X,
I wouldn't like if he reached out to me. I
think I would probably like call the cups, do you
know what I mean? It's something like that. And also
the last thing I want to end my shpiel on
is that closure is possible. Closure is tangible, Closure is accessible,
and you're never going to get it from the other person.

Speaker 1 (37:36):
You can only find it within yourself. Yeah, so like.

Speaker 2 (37:39):
Never reach out to that other person or never like
accept contact from them when it comes to closure. If
someone wants to get dinner with you to talk things
through and get closure, don't do it. It's if they
want to get dinner to catch up, fine, but closure
will never exist when you are trying to seek it
from somebody else.

Speaker 1 (37:52):
When I saw closure, I regretted it every time. I
don't The thing is, like all the things you're looking for,
why didn't they like me? Why didn't they choose me?
Why we treat me so badly? All the evidence you
need to answer those questions is in the way we
treat you these last X amount of years, months, weeks, whatever.
Like you already have the answer. It's a matter of
like working through that yourself. Hearing them say to you like,

(38:12):
oh I just didn't respect you, Is that gonna help
you move on?

Speaker 4 (38:15):
No?

Speaker 1 (38:16):
So I think like finding closure than yourself is obviously
the most important. And like for me, I just took
time being like again, what I want to be with
this person? No? I already be treated like this? No't
won't time to move on, you know, so I believe today.
So like for me, that's all the closure I really
needed is that they had the choice to treat me

(38:38):
right and be with me, and they didn't. They chose
the other choice. Therefore I will move on boom.

Speaker 2 (38:43):
The closure that I got is just finding value in
myself and like moving on like that process to me
is closure because also when you think about it, everybody
thinks that they're right, you know, like you're never gonna
like if you are human and you're normal, You're gonna
think that you're right about like most things, you know,
Like you're not gonna sit here and be like, yeah,
I'm wrong about mostly everything, Like humans don't do that.

Speaker 1 (39:02):
I love people that are like that. I'm like, yeah,
you know, you know where you.

Speaker 2 (39:04):
Stand, you literally, but I just yeah, I think that
that's why closure doesn't exist, because like, especially if you
go into it wanting them to fess up to everything
they did wrong, they's gonna get defensive.

Speaker 1 (39:13):
It's not going to happen because that's not like people.
That's not psychology. That's not what people do.

Speaker 2 (39:17):
People are gonna think that they're right, like ninety percent
of the time, you know, do you know what you know?

Speaker 1 (39:21):
All right? Friends, that is all the time we have
for today. Yay yay.

Speaker 2 (39:25):
Make sure to follow us on Instagram at Crying of
Public Podcast. You can find us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you listen.

Speaker 1 (39:31):
And we love you. Goodbye bye.
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