April 27, 2024 • 40 mins
In this episode, we explore April's seismic events: from the NYC earthquake to the insanity that was the NYC puncher and of course, Beyoncé's latest album, "Cowboy Carter," and why it is the album of the decade. But the heart of our discussion is centered around the importance of decentering men, recentering ourselves, and seeking internal validation. Join us for a transformative conversation on self-love and empowerment in a world often dominated by external expectations and validation.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:08):
Y'all, we have so much to get into today. I
fear like, what a week? What had passed? Two weeks
with a month, and I feel like now is the
time to really get into the weeds about it. So first,
welcome back to Crying in Public. I'm your host, Sidney Winter. Guys.
First things first, I want to paint the picture of
(00:29):
how I'm recording right now. So if you listen to
the first episode of this season, the last episode of
both me and Sarah, I talked about how I couldn't
relate to her tanning woes because I only self tan
like once a year. And however, since saying that, literally
not only two months ago, I have self tanned three times.
So I'm currently recording in our living room that me, Sarah,
(00:53):
and my other roommate Chance share, in a bathing suit,
sitting on a towel because our table and chairs are
all white, and I have like three coats of self
tanner on, so I'm like perched at the edge of
my seat trying not to get stuff everywhere. However, tonight
is what and we call in law school barrister's ball,
(01:14):
so it's kind of like our law school prom, and
that might be like all so cute, like whatever, No,
it's not the only reason why I am going this
year is because my friends convinced me and I love
dressing up. However, I just it's hard to explain why
it's so bad because problem was fun because we were all friends.
(01:34):
It was our last year of high school. You got
to dress up and take pictures like it was so
much fun. Blah blah blah. The after parties the first
year was sort of like that, I guess. But the
weird thing about law school is that everyone is our
everyone is a different age. So my friends and I
are all like mid to late twenties. We have like
one person in their thirties, but like a lot of
(01:56):
the people in the law school are married with kids.
So it's like the one night of the year where
you know, the kids have a babysitter, it's an open bar,
and they're out. I think just like mixing a lot
of different ages of people and understandings of like social
cues and behavior with an open bar, like you see
some scary freaky things. Like last year, I was sober.
I wasn't drinking, so I had like a six month
(02:19):
period where I was not interested with alcohol, but seeing
all of these people just acting crazy and I'm talking
about like making out a tables, like doing more than that.
Like we are in law school. I have to work
with you all for the rest of my life. I
have to see you on Monday in class. And I
just wasn't loving that energy last year. However, I do
(02:41):
love to dress up and get my hair done and
do my makeup, so I will be there. And I
actually got corralled into hosting a pregame this week and
I was like, oh, you know, like maybe twenty people.
We currently have one hundred and one people RSVPED, so
I'm now stressing about that, but you know, it'll all
be good. I'm sitting here myself. Let's go get my
hair done after I record this episode, so it'll all
(03:03):
be okay. But you will see the pictures, don't worry.
So after discussing my tanning woes, I have so many updates.
So for those of you who don't live in New York,
you probably already hear about this anyway. But I was
in my bathroom yesterday doing what I needed to do
and I feel the floor start to shake. And mind you,
(03:24):
I lived in California, like on an office where my
dad and stepmom and little brother live. So like, I've
been through an earthquake before, like I usually know what
it feels like. We're in California and there's no like, oh,
what could this be? Whatever? So I'm sitting on the
toilet and I was like, is the room shaking or
is it me? I was like, am I sick? Not's
a pass hour or something? Why is my whole body shaking?
And at first I was like, we have an end
(03:45):
unit washer and dryer, which is pretty rare for New York.
But our dryer sits on top of our washing machine
in a closet, so sometimes when it shakes, it gets
really really loud, and so part of me was like,
it's kind of crazy. I can hear our dryer all
the way from the living room into my bathroom. And
then I get a text from one of my friends
who lives like fifteen blocks away, and they were like,
(04:07):
did you just feel that? And I was like, well, yes,
did you just feel that? And so we were like
in our law school friends group chat and everyone's like,
oh my god, it was an earthquake. Whatever. Maybe I
am a dumb nut, but I did not know that
they have earthquakes in New York. So I'm sitting there
and I'm like, oh my god, it's doomsday, Like the
time has come. It's gonna be a tsunami in twenty seconds.
(04:29):
Like I don't know what's going on. But there was
like a five minute period when things were funny, like
everyone was like, oh my god, like earthquake in New York,
Like what's happening. There's a bunch of memes. People are
like posting earthquake by tie the crater and their story,
and then the meme started. I don't know how if
you guys feel the same way, but I feel like
because of social media now and how quickly things spread,
(04:51):
things become unfunny so quickly, like if I have to
see one more earthquake meme, joke or story on my
Instagram or Twitter, I'm going to lose my mind. But
it was a crazy experience, just because I've only ever
felt that in La and even when I was in La,
the five or six times I've ever felt an earthquake,
it's never been that strong. And I live in an
(05:11):
apartment building now and I'm not in a home like
I was in California, So it was like really feeling
unstable there. And my building is pre war, meaning it
was built in like late eighteen hundreds, early nineteen hundreds.
It's not that stable. So I was like, if this
thing was toppling over, like I don't know what I'm
gonna do. So that was a little scary. And then
like five hours later, I'm in a workout class at
(05:32):
pevaul if you know, you know, and I started shaking again,
and I was like, oh my god, the time has
really come, like I need to get right with people,
get right with God, like it's coming. And I was
like about to get on the train, and I was like,
I actually refuse to be in a train during an earthquake.
So I just walked around a little bit and went home.
But it was a crazy experience. And I now learned
(05:53):
to earthquakes and happen anywhere, and that is new information
to me. I thought I knew all needed to know,
and I realized that I don't know. It's because I
went to elementary and middle and high school in Florida.
Like we learned what to do like during a hurricane
or a tornado, like get into a bathtub, put a
mattress over you, like whatever gets a high ground. If
(06:14):
it's a hurricane, is that what you do? That's a tsunami?
I want to know what you do a hurricane. We
even learned like what to do during a nuclear attack,
like Tommy Turtle or whatever, and like get under your desk, whatever.
We never learned what to do during an earthquake. So like,
even if like it was stronger than it was, I
don't even know what I was supposed to do. Like
(06:36):
I was on my birthday too, I was not gonna
run outside. Actually all my friends were running outside, and
I was kind of like is it better to be
outside or inside during an earthquake? Like if you're inside,
I guess it's dangerous because things can fall on top
of you. And like we're on the bottom floors of
our apartment building, so there's seven or eight floors above us,
and like those things fell whoop to whoop, We're gone.
So I get how being inside is dangerous. But then again,
(07:00):
if you go outside, like that is the earth and
it's gonna swallow me up, like I don't know, and
like you're surrounded by apartment buildings where they all fall
on you. So I wasn't like loving the options and
I didn't know the options. So I'm gonna look into
that for sure going forward, just so I have that
information in the back of my head. But yeah, that
was the Great New York City earthquake of twenty twenty four,
(07:24):
And after like looking into like how strong it was,
I saw reports that range from a four point eight
to a five point eight, very big difference on whatever
that scale is called the Richter scale. Don't even know
what that really means. I just know the higher the number,
like scary it is whatever. But oh yeah, I was like, oh,
(07:44):
I wonder what the epicenter was because my grandma lives
in Queens, Jamaica, Queens and she also felt it like
really really powerfully. So I was like, maybe the epicenters
like downtown Manhattan or it's in Queens, and we're on
like on the outer burrows or outer shells of the
earthquake because I lived uptown Manhattan. Come to find out
its originated in New Jersey. And for some reason that
(08:06):
makes a lot of sense because if you know, you know,
New Jersey is such a weird state. They call it
the Armpit of America, and like, no offensive from New Jersey.
Everyone that's from there loves it, but like, I gotta
get behind that statement. Though I do believe that the
Panhandle in Alabama Shores is the other armpit, So yeah,
(08:27):
if you're from ay of those states, so sorry, but
I'm also from Florida, so I will take that and
trid So yeah, that is New York City earthquake. New
York Crazy Situation Part two. I'm sure you've seen this
no matter where you live, but the New York City
Puncher and I never thought say that sentence, but like,
(08:48):
just to be in New York, it just makes so
much sense. So for background or context for about the
last two weeks, it's kind of died down now, but
it was like really prevalent last weekend. Girls kept up
on TikTok on Twitter, on Instagram with huge knots on
their head or with black eyes and they were like, Yeah,
I was walking down the street in Chelsea or in
(09:10):
Times Square or in Soho and I was looking at
my phone and this man came up to me talking
about look up from your phone. You don't know where
you're going. Then the man would apologize and be like
sorry about to do this, and just like sock the
woman in her face like punch her in full force
and walk away and like what what? And there was
(09:33):
like multiple girls with like black eyes and huge like
I don't know what they're called. I'm gonna call them hematoids.
I made that up, and I don't think that's a
real word. If you're a doctor or a medical student,
please feel free to correct me. But I'm gonna call
them a hematoid because that's like the vibe of it.
It's oh, a hematoid apparently is a powerful grounding crystal. Hm. Well, anyway,
(09:58):
it's a big old hematoid thing on people's heads. It's
like filth blood or something. And I'm just like, I
really had to think about this because I call myself
a barker, not a bitter, meaning if I ever get
into like a physical or if I ever get into
like an altercation or a fight. And this ranges from
like with old friends or frenemies to like an actual
(10:19):
on the street or at a bar altercation, I know,
deep down in my heart I can fight with my words,
like I consider myself to be a wordsmith, Like I
can have you thinking about these insults for days on end.
I can defend myself when it comes to words, because
that's literally my job is to argue. However, However, however, however,
when it comes to the physical, I'm not even necessarily
(10:42):
a pacifist because I'm like peace, love, no war, Like, yes,
that's me. I'm a peaceful person at heart. I'd never
punch or hit or slap anyone ever. But also I
like physically can't, and to put into context, physically can't.
I did a self defense class in high school with
some of my friends and we had like one of
(11:03):
those little like dummy punchy things, like it was like
a little man that you like learn to box on,
and everyone's like learning that. She's like, great job, y'all,
like do this if a god grabs you like this,
do this if they punch that way whatever, And so
she came to me. I was like second from the end,
and I'm like doing the drills, and she was like, yikes,
(11:24):
like just carry mace. And I'm kind of like, can
you say that if I'm literally paying you to teach
me how to punch? But yeah, so I care around,
like my birdie, I need to get mace. I pretty
sure it's a legal the MNS you press charges, so
look into your state laws. But I'm gonna get a
birdie and all those crazy things, because I was realizing,
like if someone came up to me and just punched
(11:46):
me in the face, what would I even do? Like
I don't even know what my fireflight reaction would be,
Like what I scream? What I punched them back? But
I hit it with my umbrella? What I run? Because
Lord knows, I cannot when my mild time is like
twenty two minutes. Like that's not an option either. So
this whole like we can even like walking around with
my keys in my fist just in case, like someone
(12:08):
tries to come at me. But I really don't know
what I would do, And that's also a problem of
something I'm gonna look into. But yeah, just like a
crazy fiasco. And they finally caught one of the guys
and I found his Instagram because it went viral and
he has so many videos of him just harassing women.
And one question I had, like throughout watching the videos,
(12:30):
throughout watching the ordeals on TikTok, what are people that
are around these situations doing? Because and I don't even
know what I would do, because let's say, like I
see something happen like someone's fighting or someone gets hurt
or someone falls, my first reaction is to run them
and help them, like help the victim or if that's
like calling nine one one or helping them up things
(12:52):
like that. But if someone's like it's being violent or
has like a weapon, like I don't know what I'm
gonna do, so do I run? Because if I run,
I'm gonna get outran And I don't want to be
like the one in the back. So I'm also like
really soul searching and digging deep and figuring out what
to do about that issue. But yeah, women out there,
(13:13):
stay safe. Men stop punching people, and also let's like
be more aware of our surroundings and if you see
someone in trouble or someone getting hurt, please help them
or like whatever you should do in that situation. I
don't know what the right or wrong is per se,
but the idea that like it wasn't just one man,
It was like a group of men playing a game apparently,
(13:36):
where like this is this is really my thing, this
is my thing. These men I'm like picturing this. They
were like at a bar or like a sports bar,
and they're sitting around a table and they're talking about
how bored they are with their lives like things are
going right. The woman left them, their job is being
annoying whatever, and they really saw that and they were like, Yo,
let's walk around and just punch women in the face,
(13:58):
like that will solve all of our issues. And I'm
just like they really sat there and like came up
with a plan because they were in different areas of
New York to just sock women in the face. What
I like, my mind can't comprehend that. And also like jail,
jail time, prison time, charges, please, So I know at
(14:20):
least one has been arrested as of now, and I
haven't really seen that many stories or tiktoks about them anymore.
So I'm hoping that the game is now over. But yeah,
not really loving loving the energy at all. But yeah,
so that's the New York updates for the week. That's
my city. Hopefully we get ourselves together and we stop
(14:43):
that because I'm not loving what's happening so New York City. Earthquake,
the Puncher last, and certainly not least because this this album,
and you know what I'm talking about, if you know,
you know, this album has restored my faith in this country,
in humanity, in the human cause it has made me
(15:09):
want to be a better person. It has cleared up
my skin, it has made my waist snatched, and I
just don't know, like deep in my heart, like this
album has done. It has changed the tide of the world.
We needed this, We really really needed this as a
human people. And that album is cow by Card by
Miss Beyonce. And I must say I am a lifelong
(15:32):
Beyonce fan. I'm talking about I was at her concerts
and I limited to justice sweater short combos like I
am a day one since I was like seven or
eight years old. So when she came out with Renaissance,
I was like, hmm, I'm not very big on like dance,
medium kind of music, house music, and so the first
(15:54):
few listens of the album, I was kind of like, Beyonce,
I love you, but like, this is not it for me.
But once I came to my senses, obviously, I realized
how genius the album is for sure. So when it
came to Cowboy Carter and she said Country, I must
make a confession on this podcast to be immortalized for
the rest of my life that I Sidney Winter am
(16:15):
a fan of country music and I'm not talking like
Zach Brian Luke, Brian Zach, Brian Brown, all the people
in that family. I'm not that kind of country fan.
I'm like Americana folk, Willie Nelson, classic country, like Red
(16:35):
Clay Straits, like that vein of like folk Americana whatever.
I have been judged for it, I have been ostracized
for it, but I remain a fan through and through.
So when she said she's coming out with an urban
country album and that it wasn't country, it was Beyonce,
I knew that this album was going to be for me.
And I have to say, like, this album is ten
(16:57):
out of ten for so many reasons. I'm not just
saying that as a delusional Beyonce fan. I mean this
as like someone who has studied this exact topic. Because
if you've heard me yap about being in law school,
if you are in a journal or like a law review,
you have to write a note which is like a
long form legal thesis on a novel issue. In my thesis,
(17:20):
which I finished in February, just because like Beyonce gets
me and like wanted me to really understand this album.
She waited until March, but my note was on historically
the ways that black artists have always been at the
forefront of genre creation, formation, reinvigoration, reimagination of like literally
(17:41):
every single form of music, whether that's country music, house music,
rock and roll, blues, jazz, spirituals, hymnals, hip hop, rap,
like all of these major American pop culture genres were
started by black artists but were popularized by white artists.
(18:01):
And the reason for that there's plenty full whether that's
like mess up contracts, racism, segregation, et cetera. I talk
about how like copyright law aids in that sort of
disenfranchisement of black artists. Anyway, So I've done like a
lot of research into the big founding artists of genres
(18:22):
like rock and roll, of house of country for the
past eight or nine months. So for Beyonce to pop
out with a house for act one, a country album
for act two, and most likely a rock album for
pop for act three, like the girl gets It, she
gets it, We're on the same page, on the same
same note, you know. So coming into that album with
(18:44):
that lens whoa whoa whoa, whoa whoa whoa So starting
off American Requiem was probably one of the best album
starters ever because it's so good. And I think this
is one of those albums where you need to listen
to the album in chronological order because it tells a story.
And I saw people on TikTok talking about like, oh,
(19:06):
Beyonce is doing a country album. Of course she would
cover the most popular song in country, Jolene. I loved
me sitting the Dolly pe She's the reason why I
love having big boobs and acrylics and big hair. But
Jolene's been my favorite song since I was like a
little kid. And I remember this interview she did with
Trevor Noah when she was like, there's been four hundred covers,
(19:28):
at least four hundred covers of Jolene, but the one
person I want to do a cover is Beyonce. So
to see like Dolly not only have her own interlude
explaining sort of this idea before it changes to Jolene,
but the fact that Beyonce made Jolene her own with
like new lyrics, like a different spice on things like
(19:50):
her mind. She's so big brain. I love her for that.
She was right when she said, like this isn't necessarily
a country album, Like yes, it has country influences and
country motifs, but like the album itself has pop elements,
it has rap elements, has Americana elements, like it just
truly is a visionary album and it's one of her
top four, like of all time. My favorite song is
(20:13):
Tyrant because I have a really good taste, but like
Bodyguard Yah Yah are also super good. Blackbird makes you
want to cry because if you haven't heard it, it
has five women black I think four or five black
women who are country singers now on the song, which
of course and they give them so much exposure. But
Paul McCartney wrote Blackbird about the women that were part
(20:38):
of the Little Rock nine that desegregated schools in the
South in the sixties. I think the sixties. Don't quote
me on that. I shouldn't know that, but I'm yapping
so but a Little Rock nine, so that to have
like black women now singing about that song like oh
my god, her mind. And I love Paul McCartney like yes, yes, yes, yes,
ten out of ten, five stars. So if you haven't
(21:00):
listened to Cowboy Carter yet, go listen to it because
it's amazing. And if you hate it, listen to it.
Again until you love it, and then you will because
like it's impossible to hate this album. I truly believe that.
And yeah, I love you, Beyonce. You will always be famous. Yes,
all right. I have taken my antidepressants. I have just
chugged a coffee. I feel like I could land a plane.
(21:23):
I could solve world peace. I could yap for an
hour or so. Ready to go. If you're listening to this,
you're probably wondering, like, oh my god, those things happened
two weeks ago. Where's the episode's been. I implore you to
listen to the other episode, a little mini episode, maybe mini,
maybe long. We'll see how long I talk. That I'm
going to release also today, as you guys all know,
(21:48):
I go to Columbia. If you have open Twitter, Instagram,
the news, talk to any college student you know or
maybe you don't know that things that Columbia you have
been crazy the last two weeks. It's affected me personally,
expected my friends, affected my ability to study, to focus,
to prepare for exams. And I'm going to do a
(22:11):
whole other episode on that. But that is why I
have not posted, and I'm so sorry. I've really been
trying to balance everything. I'm feeling a lot better now.
Today's the first day I've like smiled and gotten up
and felt motivated to do something. So I'm feeling good now.
I'm gonna lost that episode explaining what's been happening at Columbia,
how it started, the truth about what's happening, how it
(22:32):
affected me, how I feel, et cetera. So you don't
need to listen to that, but if you want to,
it'll be there. But I'm going to tell this episode
because I'm actually so excited for the topic. So after
that extremely long introduction about my obsession with Beyonce, I
had been thinking about this a lot the past few
(22:54):
days because I applied to go abroad a few months ago,
like over winter break, to go to London for what
did I say it? Like that London, London for the
fall semester next year. It's my last year of law school,
so I figured it's my last time to go abroad
(23:16):
risk free, and I'll be able to travel around Europe
get away from school for a little bit. Things have
been so crazy the last few years, and I don't know,
like I just wanted to change of scenery. I've always
went to live in London, and I wasn't able to
go to Paris and undergrad for abroad because of COVID.
Everyone's sob story about abroad, so I figured this would
(23:40):
the last time for me to go. I suggest pull
the sugar and go. So for some reason I got
in and now I'm like reeling about whether or not
I actually want to go. And the problem is is
that when I was applying, I was in a very
different place when it came to my mental health what
(24:02):
I'm gonna do next year in terms of like organizations
I'm leading, how I'm involved on campus, I'm getting published
next year, I'm like talking to someone, Like there's a
lot of different layers now that didn't apply back then
that I now need to consider. And so just in
thinking about that, I had been struggling with this idea
(24:23):
of despite having so many pros and cons. One of
my cons was obviously like wanting to be in a
relationship with this person and me being on the fence
about things because on one hand, like I feel lucky
to I've met this person, and I want to be
able to explore things without picking up and moving across
the world for three months or four months. By the
same time, I don't want to miss out on an
(24:47):
incredible opportunity for something that didn't know is going to happen.
And also like I'm truly believed that, like, if something
is meant to be, I don't think my choice is
going to make me lose them per se. But in
many ways, I just going back and forth that and
how I've let not necessarily my centering of men, but
like my desire for relationship and how much I love
(25:08):
love swayed me from choices before, and so just in
this process of trying to decenter romantic relationships as part
of my sort of purview of my pros and cons,
I had been thinking about this for a while and
it was something that I had told my therapist was
like one of the things I really wanted to focus
(25:30):
on this year, which was decentering men, but more importantly
centering myself. And she made the great point that I
will never in my life regret putting myself first, centering
myself prioritizing myself, but most times you will regret doing
(25:51):
the other options. So like I would more likely regret
staying here and missing out on incredible oppertunities for someone
that one I'm not even dating, but two that would
probably make the same choice if they were in my shoes.
And I do think that, and this is not just
(26:12):
like a personal thing. I truly believe that something is
for you, you can't mess it up. So I think
that me going abroad isn't necessarily going to be the
issue that would make or break things. But I'm really
on this journey of wanting to put myself first, censering
how I feel, what I want to achieve, rather than
trying to maneuver my life and my choices and my
(26:35):
priorities to put someone else first. So let's throw it
back to the beginning, because I do think this is
something that is both learned but is so subtly forced
upon us when we're younger that by the time we're
twenty three, twenty four to twenty five and in these
formative times in our lives, when we're beginning like serious relationships,
(26:57):
it's already ingrained in us and something we have to
add deply unlearned or if you're proached enough to not
learn it in the first place. So growing up, I
went to u predominantly Jewish elementary and middle school, and
then an Episcopalian high school, where we already had very
(27:18):
small classes, Like I think my graduating class was maybe
one hundred and ten people. And these are the same
people I went to school with from junior kindergarten to
senior year, so like, I knew these people very very well,
some might say too well. And I'm from Jacksonville, Florida,
so it's already like a very racially segregated town. Low key,
(27:42):
but especially being in private school, I was one of
very very few black girls, and I'm talking like I
think maximum we had maybe three, and I was later
when I was in high school. When I was in
elementary school, I was probably be the only one form
most of the years I was there. So I would
(28:04):
never necessarily say that I grew up having problems with confidence.
Like I knew I was very smart. I loved dance.
I thought I was good at it. I loved reading,
and like, boys weren't necessarily ever really on my mind
in elementary school. Obviously, when you get to middle school
in high school and you're like watching all these TV
shows like gossip Girl, and everything's always about relationships and
(28:26):
who you're dating, and your friends are starting to date
people that did like sort of start to become a
thing for me. But I think I was very highly
aware from an early age that in the setting I
was in, I was not what was considered to be attractive.
I understood that just one being the only black person
(28:48):
in most spaces I was in. But I think also
just like literally hearing comments from boys growing up saying like, oh,
I would like you if you weren't black. Yes, I
was a direct quote from seventh grade, or just seeing
that like the guys I had crushes on, it wasn't
necessarily like ever something that was attainable, like I knew
they were like pipe drink crushes anyway. So I think
(29:11):
that once I finally left undergrad and came to New York,
where obviously I was now surrounded by a lot of
more people that looked like me, he was starting to
find me attractive, Like I was in a space where
people were starting to look at me, if that makes
any sense. So it wasn't until college that I necessarily
got a lot of confidence in how I looked physically
(29:33):
and became more comfortable in putting myself out there relationship wise.
So I think that because it was such a moment
of change for me in all aspects of my life.
Like I'd gone from a pretty small city to a
big city. I was now very independent, I was starting college,
living on my own for the first time. I think
(29:55):
that it just sort of became a bigger part of
my life. Like now that people have found me attractive,
I started going dates for the first time. And because
I'm an adult now, I never had those like itty
bitty baby relationships in middle school in high school, where
like I learned how to stand up for myself and
how to put myself first and prioritize myself. I thought
(30:17):
that if someone had a crush on me, like I
was lucky, I should be grateful, Like I'll put up
with any sort of behavior, I'll put them first. I'll
make them think that, you know, they're never one in
my life, because that's what I need to do to
make someone like me, which sounds stupid like looking back
at it, I think it's something that was ingrained in
my head from a very early point on in like
(30:38):
my trajectory of romantic relationships. So and I think it
doesn't help that like the ship I had for like
all of my college years, like all four years basically
coming into law school, which if you listen to season
one of this podcasts is the one that I'm constantly
crying over. It was just like a very abusive sounds
(30:59):
like a very strong word, but it's just like the
power dynamics were very unequal. Like this person was five
years older than me. They were in law school when
I was an undergrad, so like I already came into
the relationship pretty insecure because they were already older than me.
It was my first like long term boyfriend, and I
think they knew that they could get away with a
(31:20):
lot of certain behaviors that they probably wouldn't be able
to exseb on their own age. And obviously I went
to go to law school too, so I looked at them,
I looked up to them professionally, academically, and just as
sort of like a partner, and I think that they
found that if they treated me a certain way and
(31:41):
that kind of insecurity I felt remained, they could get
away with a lot of lot more behavior than they
normally would, And so I started to internalize that from
a very early on point in a relationship, and so
all throughout college, like he came first, like before my friends,
before school, and some instances like if he was not happy,
(32:01):
my day was ruined. So it became to a point where,
like it became very, very unhealthy. I don't think that
I realized this sort of like Stockholm syndrome upsession I
had in the relationship until I had graduated, so after
I started to realize that I feel like so many
And even though I was aware that, like their relationship
(32:22):
was unhealthy and the way I dealt with things was
not healthy, I had already internalized those feelings for four years.
So when I started to date in my first two
years of law school, it felt so hard to decenter
these people like I had seen my friends go on
dates and like the minute they saw a single red
flat with someone, they were gone dropped easy for me,
(32:45):
It's so hard because for some reason, I feel this
need to make these people like me, like I feel
like I have to earn their respect or earn their value,
not just because I want them, but to I guess,
appease myself in that younger part of me that never
felt loved or attracted or attractive to other people. And
so it's so hard to let some of my friends
(33:06):
or make my friends understand that sometimes that like I
understand the red flags. I see the red flags, and
consciously I know that I deserve better, But sometimes I
don't know what it is, if it's like an ego
or a prive thing or a trauma response that I
have to make that person respect me, I have to
make them value me, like for some reason, it feels
(33:27):
like I need them to reaffirm my value. And I
think that because I have put so much stock and
stake into help men felt about me, I was constantly
in the state of insecurity because I have learned the
hard way. If your sense of security, your sense of
self value and self worth and self appreciation, is based
(33:48):
on someone else's feelings, you will never feel secure ever.
And like sometimes yes, you might find someone that likes you,
that you're in love with, and you feel so happy
and so attractive and so confident just in your looks,
but in the way you feel in your academics and
your profession, life, et cetera. Like things just start clicking
into place, but the second things go wrong or you
break up, you feel yourself puminate again. And I think
(34:10):
that in realizing now the kind of life I want
for myself post law school, like as I'm entering a
new phase of my life, my priority above honestly everything else,
is my self, security, my self value, prioritizing me in
every way possible, because I'm very aware of how that
(34:32):
overlaps into every other aspect of my life, Like I
can't expect to be successful at work, successful at school, happy,
peaceful saying, having healthy relationships, having healthy friendships if I
don't present my best self first. So I took probably
eight or so months over the last year to really
(34:54):
just focus on myself. And I realized in this decision
process when I was applying to London why I brought
it up. Having that even on my con list was
sort of like a stopping point for me where I
was like, I know that progress isn't linear, but I
think one me putting it down and then immediately catching
myself and saying, Okay, this should not even be a
(35:15):
consideration at this point, Like, yes, practically it is, but
I think that putting my desires for new opportunities or
rare opportunities first and having those experiences it's so much
more important than some relationship that I don't even know
I'm gonna have. So I think that finally realizing that
for myself and catching it before I let it become
(35:36):
a thing, which is like a sign of progress for me,
which might sound stupid to other people, but I think
if you know the way that I acted those four years,
that's such a big leap of progress for me. So
while that was probably one of the main things holding
me back from going, I finally decided today that no
matter what happens in those relationships, like, I'm putting my
(35:57):
desire to have the like new experiences and cool opportunities first,
So I'm fully going to go as of now, and
if I don't go, it won't be because of that.
So I think that this larger conversation that I've seen
not just on TikTok, but like in TV shows and
talking with my friends about not sorely decentering man, but
(36:20):
recentering yourself, because I don't think it just applies to me.
I think it applies to putting stock or putting yourself
worth in anyone else's hands is going to be unhealthy
no matter what. So I think just recentering yourself and
realizing that or at this age or at this point
in our lives like mid or early twenties to early
thirties were like, this is probably one of the last
(36:40):
times where we can truly be selfish. And I don't
mean selfish is a negative thing. I mean as an
actually extremely positive thing where you can put yourself, your interests,
your needs, your wants, your desires first, unapologetically, and I
think that that is what sets you up for a
positive outlook on life, for healthy relationships, healthy marriages with health,
(37:03):
relationship with your kids, with your friends, long term relationships,
success in your workplace. And so I'm just taking this
moment to appreciate where I am and consciously making the
effort to make sure that no matter what, Sydney's coming first.
And so I just wanted to sort of put that
out there because I've been talking about it with my
(37:24):
therapists obviously and some friends, but just making a very
conscious effort to look at what in my life is
influenced by how other people perceive me and how men
perceive me, and making me a very conscious effort to
do away with that altogether, whether that's how I act,
how I dress, if I decide to go to certain events,
(37:46):
if I take up certain opportunities, how I speak in
certain spaces, and just making sure that it's coming from
a place of what I want to do, how I
want to do it, what I deserve, etc. Then trying
to appeal to some patriarchal outside expectation of how I'm
supposed to act, look, do, etc. And this is all
(38:08):
just to say the only validation that matters is internal validation.
And that comes to jobs, that comes to applying schools,
that applies to friends, to a sport situation. And if
you take anything life from this episode, besides the fact
that Beyonce is brilliant, it's these two things. One, your
value does not decrease based on someone else's inability to
(38:32):
see your own worth. Take that as you will. I'll
peed that one more time. Your value does not decrease
based on someone else's inability to see your worth. I
had to tell myself that one million times rittistic. Trust
me the minute that gets ingrained into your head, No man,
no woman, no external person will ever shake your confidence.
(38:56):
Trust me. The second thing is this what the lady
told me of the ladies my therapist. The lady said,
if you find yourself constantly trying to prove your work
to someone else, if you've already forgotten your value, or
pee that one again too. If you find yourself constantly
trying to prove your worth to someone else, you've already
(39:16):
forgotten your own value. So remember the only validation you
need is your own. You are beautiful, you are confident,
you are smart, you are valuable, you are worthy, and
no man's opinion of you can ever change that. If
you listen to more episodes, you can find Crying in
Public on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeart, or wherever you get
your podcasts. You can follow us on follow Us, you
(39:38):
can follow me on Instagram or TikTok, and I'll link
them below. If you're interested in hearing about what's happening
at Columbia, the truth of things, how it's affecting students,
what campus is actually like right now. In the beginning
of this movement, we see spreading across campuses. Listen to
or look out for another episode coming again this weekend,
(40:00):
and if not, I will see you next week by
Y'all, we have so much to get into today. I
fear like, what a week? What had passed? Two weeks
with a month, and I feel like now is the
time to really get into the weeds about it. So first,
welcome back to Crying in Public. I'm your host, Sidney Winter. Guys.
First things first, I want to paint the picture of
(00:29):
how I'm recording right now. So if you listen to
the first episode of this season, the last episode of
both me and Sarah, I talked about how I couldn't
relate to her tanning woes because I only self tan
like once a year. And however, since saying that, literally
not only two months ago, I have self tanned three times.
So I'm currently recording in our living room that me, Sarah,
(00:53):
and my other roommate Chance share, in a bathing suit,
sitting on a towel because our table and chairs are
all white, and I have like three coats of self
tanner on, so I'm like perched at the edge of
my seat trying not to get stuff everywhere. However, tonight
is what and we call in law school barrister's ball,
(01:14):
so it's kind of like our law school prom, and
that might be like all so cute, like whatever, No,
it's not the only reason why I am going this
year is because my friends convinced me and I love
dressing up. However, I just it's hard to explain why
it's so bad because problem was fun because we were all friends.
(01:34):
It was our last year of high school. You got
to dress up and take pictures like it was so
much fun. Blah blah blah. The after parties the first
year was sort of like that, I guess. But the
weird thing about law school is that everyone is our
everyone is a different age. So my friends and I
are all like mid to late twenties. We have like
one person in their thirties, but like a lot of
(01:56):
the people in the law school are married with kids.
So it's like the one night of the year where
you know, the kids have a babysitter, it's an open bar,
and they're out. I think just like mixing a lot
of different ages of people and understandings of like social
cues and behavior with an open bar, like you see
some scary freaky things. Like last year, I was sober.
I wasn't drinking, so I had like a six month
(02:19):
period where I was not interested with alcohol, but seeing
all of these people just acting crazy and I'm talking
about like making out a tables, like doing more than that.
Like we are in law school. I have to work
with you all for the rest of my life. I
have to see you on Monday in class. And I
just wasn't loving that energy last year. However, I do
(02:41):
love to dress up and get my hair done and
do my makeup, so I will be there. And I
actually got corralled into hosting a pregame this week and
I was like, oh, you know, like maybe twenty people.
We currently have one hundred and one people RSVPED, so
I'm now stressing about that, but you know, it'll all
be good. I'm sitting here myself. Let's go get my
hair done after I record this episode, so it'll all
(03:03):
be okay. But you will see the pictures, don't worry.
So after discussing my tanning woes, I have so many updates.
So for those of you who don't live in New York,
you probably already hear about this anyway. But I was
in my bathroom yesterday doing what I needed to do
and I feel the floor start to shake. And mind you,
(03:24):
I lived in California, like on an office where my
dad and stepmom and little brother live. So like, I've
been through an earthquake before, like I usually know what
it feels like. We're in California and there's no like, oh,
what could this be? Whatever? So I'm sitting on the
toilet and I was like, is the room shaking or
is it me? I was like, am I sick? Not's
a pass hour or something? Why is my whole body shaking?
And at first I was like, we have an end
(03:45):
unit washer and dryer, which is pretty rare for New York.
But our dryer sits on top of our washing machine
in a closet, so sometimes when it shakes, it gets
really really loud, and so part of me was like,
it's kind of crazy. I can hear our dryer all
the way from the living room into my bathroom. And
then I get a text from one of my friends
who lives like fifteen blocks away, and they were like,
(04:07):
did you just feel that? And I was like, well, yes,
did you just feel that? And so we were like
in our law school friends group chat and everyone's like,
oh my god, it was an earthquake. Whatever. Maybe I
am a dumb nut, but I did not know that
they have earthquakes in New York. So I'm sitting there
and I'm like, oh my god, it's doomsday, Like the
time has come. It's gonna be a tsunami in twenty seconds.
(04:29):
Like I don't know what's going on. But there was
like a five minute period when things were funny, like
everyone was like, oh my god, like earthquake in New York,
Like what's happening. There's a bunch of memes. People are
like posting earthquake by tie the crater and their story,
and then the meme started. I don't know how if
you guys feel the same way, but I feel like
because of social media now and how quickly things spread,
(04:51):
things become unfunny so quickly, like if I have to
see one more earthquake meme, joke or story on my
Instagram or Twitter, I'm going to lose my mind. But
it was a crazy experience, just because I've only ever
felt that in La and even when I was in La,
the five or six times I've ever felt an earthquake,
it's never been that strong. And I live in an
(05:11):
apartment building now and I'm not in a home like
I was in California, So it was like really feeling
unstable there. And my building is pre war, meaning it
was built in like late eighteen hundreds, early nineteen hundreds.
It's not that stable. So I was like, if this
thing was toppling over, like I don't know what I'm
gonna do. So that was a little scary. And then
like five hours later, I'm in a workout class at
(05:32):
pevaul if you know, you know, and I started shaking again,
and I was like, oh my god, the time has
really come, like I need to get right with people,
get right with God, like it's coming. And I was
like about to get on the train, and I was like,
I actually refuse to be in a train during an earthquake.
So I just walked around a little bit and went home.
But it was a crazy experience. And I now learned
(05:53):
to earthquakes and happen anywhere, and that is new information
to me. I thought I knew all needed to know,
and I realized that I don't know. It's because I
went to elementary and middle and high school in Florida.
Like we learned what to do like during a hurricane
or a tornado, like get into a bathtub, put a
mattress over you, like whatever gets a high ground. If
(06:14):
it's a hurricane, is that what you do? That's a tsunami?
I want to know what you do a hurricane. We
even learned like what to do during a nuclear attack,
like Tommy Turtle or whatever, and like get under your desk, whatever.
We never learned what to do during an earthquake. So like,
even if like it was stronger than it was, I
don't even know what I was supposed to do. Like
(06:36):
I was on my birthday too, I was not gonna
run outside. Actually all my friends were running outside, and
I was kind of like is it better to be
outside or inside during an earthquake? Like if you're inside,
I guess it's dangerous because things can fall on top
of you. And like we're on the bottom floors of
our apartment building, so there's seven or eight floors above us,
and like those things fell whoop to whoop, We're gone.
So I get how being inside is dangerous. But then again,
(07:00):
if you go outside, like that is the earth and
it's gonna swallow me up, like I don't know, and
like you're surrounded by apartment buildings where they all fall
on you. So I wasn't like loving the options and
I didn't know the options. So I'm gonna look into
that for sure going forward, just so I have that
information in the back of my head. But yeah, that
was the Great New York City earthquake of twenty twenty four,
(07:24):
And after like looking into like how strong it was,
I saw reports that range from a four point eight
to a five point eight, very big difference on whatever
that scale is called the Richter scale. Don't even know
what that really means. I just know the higher the number,
like scary it is whatever. But oh yeah, I was like, oh,
(07:44):
I wonder what the epicenter was because my grandma lives
in Queens, Jamaica, Queens and she also felt it like
really really powerfully. So I was like, maybe the epicenters
like downtown Manhattan or it's in Queens, and we're on
like on the outer burrows or outer shells of the
earthquake because I lived uptown Manhattan. Come to find out
its originated in New Jersey. And for some reason that
(08:06):
makes a lot of sense because if you know, you know,
New Jersey is such a weird state. They call it
the Armpit of America, and like, no offensive from New Jersey.
Everyone that's from there loves it, but like, I gotta
get behind that statement. Though I do believe that the
Panhandle in Alabama Shores is the other armpit, So yeah,
(08:27):
if you're from ay of those states, so sorry, but
I'm also from Florida, so I will take that and
trid So yeah, that is New York City earthquake. New
York Crazy Situation Part two. I'm sure you've seen this
no matter where you live, but the New York City
Puncher and I never thought say that sentence, but like,
(08:48):
just to be in New York, it just makes so
much sense. So for background or context for about the
last two weeks, it's kind of died down now, but
it was like really prevalent last weekend. Girls kept up
on TikTok on Twitter, on Instagram with huge knots on
their head or with black eyes and they were like, Yeah,
I was walking down the street in Chelsea or in
(09:10):
Times Square or in Soho and I was looking at
my phone and this man came up to me talking
about look up from your phone. You don't know where
you're going. Then the man would apologize and be like
sorry about to do this, and just like sock the
woman in her face like punch her in full force
and walk away and like what what? And there was
(09:33):
like multiple girls with like black eyes and huge like
I don't know what they're called. I'm gonna call them hematoids.
I made that up, and I don't think that's a
real word. If you're a doctor or a medical student,
please feel free to correct me. But I'm gonna call
them a hematoid because that's like the vibe of it.
It's oh, a hematoid apparently is a powerful grounding crystal. Hm. Well, anyway,
(09:58):
it's a big old hematoid thing on people's heads. It's
like filth blood or something. And I'm just like, I
really had to think about this because I call myself
a barker, not a bitter, meaning if I ever get
into like a physical or if I ever get into
like an altercation or a fight. And this ranges from
like with old friends or frenemies to like an actual
(10:19):
on the street or at a bar altercation, I know,
deep down in my heart I can fight with my words,
like I consider myself to be a wordsmith, Like I
can have you thinking about these insults for days on end.
I can defend myself when it comes to words, because
that's literally my job is to argue. However, However, however, however,
when it comes to the physical, I'm not even necessarily
(10:42):
a pacifist because I'm like peace, love, no war, Like, yes,
that's me. I'm a peaceful person at heart. I'd never
punch or hit or slap anyone ever. But also I
like physically can't, and to put into context, physically can't.
I did a self defense class in high school with
some of my friends and we had like one of
(11:03):
those little like dummy punchy things, like it was like
a little man that you like learn to box on,
and everyone's like learning that. She's like, great job, y'all,
like do this if a god grabs you like this,
do this if they punch that way whatever, And so
she came to me. I was like second from the end,
and I'm like doing the drills, and she was like, yikes,
(11:24):
like just carry mace. And I'm kind of like, can
you say that if I'm literally paying you to teach
me how to punch? But yeah, so I care around,
like my birdie, I need to get mace. I pretty
sure it's a legal the MNS you press charges, so
look into your state laws. But I'm gonna get a
birdie and all those crazy things, because I was realizing,
like if someone came up to me and just punched
(11:46):
me in the face, what would I even do? Like
I don't even know what my fireflight reaction would be,
Like what I scream? What I punched them back? But
I hit it with my umbrella? What I run? Because
Lord knows, I cannot when my mild time is like
twenty two minutes. Like that's not an option either. So
this whole like we can even like walking around with
my keys in my fist just in case, like someone
(12:08):
tries to come at me. But I really don't know
what I would do, And that's also a problem of
something I'm gonna look into. But yeah, just like a
crazy fiasco. And they finally caught one of the guys
and I found his Instagram because it went viral and
he has so many videos of him just harassing women.
And one question I had, like throughout watching the videos,
(12:30):
throughout watching the ordeals on TikTok, what are people that
are around these situations doing? Because and I don't even
know what I would do, because let's say, like I
see something happen like someone's fighting or someone gets hurt
or someone falls, my first reaction is to run them
and help them, like help the victim or if that's
like calling nine one one or helping them up things
(12:52):
like that. But if someone's like it's being violent or
has like a weapon, like I don't know what I'm
gonna do, so do I run? Because if I run,
I'm gonna get outran And I don't want to be
like the one in the back. So I'm also like
really soul searching and digging deep and figuring out what
to do about that issue. But yeah, women out there,
(13:13):
stay safe. Men stop punching people, and also let's like
be more aware of our surroundings and if you see
someone in trouble or someone getting hurt, please help them
or like whatever you should do in that situation. I
don't know what the right or wrong is per se,
but the idea that like it wasn't just one man,
It was like a group of men playing a game apparently,
(13:36):
where like this is this is really my thing, this
is my thing. These men I'm like picturing this. They
were like at a bar or like a sports bar,
and they're sitting around a table and they're talking about
how bored they are with their lives like things are
going right. The woman left them, their job is being
annoying whatever, and they really saw that and they were like, Yo,
let's walk around and just punch women in the face,
(13:58):
like that will solve all of our issues. And I'm
just like they really sat there and like came up
with a plan because they were in different areas of
New York to just sock women in the face. What
I like, my mind can't comprehend that. And also like jail,
jail time, prison time, charges, please, So I know at
(14:20):
least one has been arrested as of now, and I
haven't really seen that many stories or tiktoks about them anymore.
So I'm hoping that the game is now over. But yeah,
not really loving loving the energy at all. But yeah,
so that's the New York updates for the week. That's
my city. Hopefully we get ourselves together and we stop
(14:43):
that because I'm not loving what's happening so New York City. Earthquake,
the Puncher last, and certainly not least because this this album,
and you know what I'm talking about, if you know,
you know, this album has restored my faith in this country,
in humanity, in the human cause it has made me
(15:09):
want to be a better person. It has cleared up
my skin, it has made my waist snatched, and I
just don't know, like deep in my heart, like this
album has done. It has changed the tide of the world.
We needed this, We really really needed this as a
human people. And that album is cow by Card by
Miss Beyonce. And I must say I am a lifelong
(15:32):
Beyonce fan. I'm talking about I was at her concerts
and I limited to justice sweater short combos like I
am a day one since I was like seven or
eight years old. So when she came out with Renaissance,
I was like, hmm, I'm not very big on like dance,
medium kind of music, house music, and so the first
(15:54):
few listens of the album, I was kind of like, Beyonce,
I love you, but like, this is not it for me.
But once I came to my senses, obviously, I realized
how genius the album is for sure. So when it
came to Cowboy Carter and she said Country, I must
make a confession on this podcast to be immortalized for
the rest of my life that I Sidney Winter am
(16:15):
a fan of country music and I'm not talking like
Zach Brian Luke, Brian Zach, Brian Brown, all the people
in that family. I'm not that kind of country fan.
I'm like Americana folk, Willie Nelson, classic country, like Red
(16:35):
Clay Straits, like that vein of like folk Americana whatever.
I have been judged for it, I have been ostracized
for it, but I remain a fan through and through.
So when she said she's coming out with an urban
country album and that it wasn't country, it was Beyonce,
I knew that this album was going to be for me.
And I have to say, like, this album is ten
(16:57):
out of ten for so many reasons. I'm not just
saying that as a delusional Beyonce fan. I mean this
as like someone who has studied this exact topic. Because
if you've heard me yap about being in law school,
if you are in a journal or like a law review,
you have to write a note which is like a
long form legal thesis on a novel issue. In my thesis,
(17:20):
which I finished in February, just because like Beyonce gets
me and like wanted me to really understand this album.
She waited until March, but my note was on historically
the ways that black artists have always been at the
forefront of genre creation, formation, reinvigoration, reimagination of like literally
(17:41):
every single form of music, whether that's country music, house music,
rock and roll, blues, jazz, spirituals, hymnals, hip hop, rap,
like all of these major American pop culture genres were
started by black artists but were popularized by white artists.
(18:01):
And the reason for that there's plenty full whether that's
like mess up contracts, racism, segregation, et cetera. I talk
about how like copyright law aids in that sort of
disenfranchisement of black artists. Anyway, So I've done like a
lot of research into the big founding artists of genres
(18:22):
like rock and roll, of house of country for the
past eight or nine months. So for Beyonce to pop
out with a house for act one, a country album
for act two, and most likely a rock album for
pop for act three, like the girl gets It, she
gets it, We're on the same page, on the same
same note, you know. So coming into that album with
(18:44):
that lens whoa whoa whoa, whoa whoa whoa So starting
off American Requiem was probably one of the best album
starters ever because it's so good. And I think this
is one of those albums where you need to listen
to the album in chronological order because it tells a story.
And I saw people on TikTok talking about like, oh,
(19:06):
Beyonce is doing a country album. Of course she would
cover the most popular song in country, Jolene. I loved
me sitting the Dolly pe She's the reason why I
love having big boobs and acrylics and big hair. But
Jolene's been my favorite song since I was like a
little kid. And I remember this interview she did with
Trevor Noah when she was like, there's been four hundred covers,
(19:28):
at least four hundred covers of Jolene, but the one
person I want to do a cover is Beyonce. So
to see like Dolly not only have her own interlude
explaining sort of this idea before it changes to Jolene,
but the fact that Beyonce made Jolene her own with
like new lyrics, like a different spice on things like
(19:50):
her mind. She's so big brain. I love her for that.
She was right when she said, like this isn't necessarily
a country album, Like yes, it has country influences and
country motifs, but like the album itself has pop elements,
it has rap elements, has Americana elements, like it just
truly is a visionary album and it's one of her
top four, like of all time. My favorite song is
(20:13):
Tyrant because I have a really good taste, but like
Bodyguard Yah Yah are also super good. Blackbird makes you
want to cry because if you haven't heard it, it
has five women black I think four or five black
women who are country singers now on the song, which
of course and they give them so much exposure. But
Paul McCartney wrote Blackbird about the women that were part
(20:38):
of the Little Rock nine that desegregated schools in the
South in the sixties. I think the sixties. Don't quote
me on that. I shouldn't know that, but I'm yapping
so but a Little Rock nine, so that to have
like black women now singing about that song like oh
my god, her mind. And I love Paul McCartney like yes, yes, yes, yes,
ten out of ten, five stars. So if you haven't
(21:00):
listened to Cowboy Carter yet, go listen to it because
it's amazing. And if you hate it, listen to it.
Again until you love it, and then you will because
like it's impossible to hate this album. I truly believe that.
And yeah, I love you, Beyonce. You will always be famous. Yes,
all right. I have taken my antidepressants. I have just
chugged a coffee. I feel like I could land a plane.
(21:23):
I could solve world peace. I could yap for an
hour or so. Ready to go. If you're listening to this,
you're probably wondering, like, oh my god, those things happened
two weeks ago. Where's the episode's been. I implore you to
listen to the other episode, a little mini episode, maybe mini,
maybe long. We'll see how long I talk. That I'm
going to release also today, as you guys all know,
(21:48):
I go to Columbia. If you have open Twitter, Instagram,
the news, talk to any college student you know or
maybe you don't know that things that Columbia you have
been crazy the last two weeks. It's affected me personally,
expected my friends, affected my ability to study, to focus,
to prepare for exams. And I'm going to do a
(22:11):
whole other episode on that. But that is why I
have not posted, and I'm so sorry. I've really been
trying to balance everything. I'm feeling a lot better now.
Today's the first day I've like smiled and gotten up
and felt motivated to do something. So I'm feeling good now.
I'm gonna lost that episode explaining what's been happening at Columbia,
how it started, the truth about what's happening, how it
(22:32):
affected me, how I feel, et cetera. So you don't
need to listen to that, but if you want to,
it'll be there. But I'm going to tell this episode
because I'm actually so excited for the topic. So after
that extremely long introduction about my obsession with Beyonce, I
had been thinking about this a lot the past few
(22:54):
days because I applied to go abroad a few months ago,
like over winter break, to go to London for what
did I say it? Like that London, London for the
fall semester next year. It's my last year of law school,
so I figured it's my last time to go abroad
(23:16):
risk free, and I'll be able to travel around Europe
get away from school for a little bit. Things have
been so crazy the last few years, and I don't know,
like I just wanted to change of scenery. I've always
went to live in London, and I wasn't able to
go to Paris and undergrad for abroad because of COVID.
Everyone's sob story about abroad, so I figured this would
(23:40):
the last time for me to go. I suggest pull
the sugar and go. So for some reason I got
in and now I'm like reeling about whether or not
I actually want to go. And the problem is is
that when I was applying, I was in a very
different place when it came to my mental health what
(24:02):
I'm gonna do next year in terms of like organizations
I'm leading, how I'm involved on campus, I'm getting published
next year, I'm like talking to someone, Like there's a
lot of different layers now that didn't apply back then
that I now need to consider. And so just in
thinking about that, I had been struggling with this idea
(24:23):
of despite having so many pros and cons. One of
my cons was obviously like wanting to be in a
relationship with this person and me being on the fence
about things because on one hand, like I feel lucky
to I've met this person, and I want to be
able to explore things without picking up and moving across
the world for three months or four months. By the
same time, I don't want to miss out on an
(24:47):
incredible opportunity for something that didn't know is going to happen.
And also like I'm truly believed that, like, if something
is meant to be, I don't think my choice is
going to make me lose them per se. But in
many ways, I just going back and forth that and
how I've let not necessarily my centering of men, but
like my desire for relationship and how much I love
(25:08):
love swayed me from choices before, and so just in
this process of trying to decenter romantic relationships as part
of my sort of purview of my pros and cons,
I had been thinking about this for a while and
it was something that I had told my therapist was
like one of the things I really wanted to focus
(25:30):
on this year, which was decentering men, but more importantly
centering myself. And she made the great point that I
will never in my life regret putting myself first, centering
myself prioritizing myself, but most times you will regret doing
(25:51):
the other options. So like I would more likely regret
staying here and missing out on incredible oppertunities for someone
that one I'm not even dating, but two that would
probably make the same choice if they were in my shoes.
And I do think that, and this is not just
(26:12):
like a personal thing. I truly believe that something is
for you, you can't mess it up. So I think
that me going abroad isn't necessarily going to be the
issue that would make or break things. But I'm really
on this journey of wanting to put myself first, censering
how I feel, what I want to achieve, rather than
trying to maneuver my life and my choices and my
(26:35):
priorities to put someone else first. So let's throw it
back to the beginning, because I do think this is
something that is both learned but is so subtly forced
upon us when we're younger that by the time we're
twenty three, twenty four to twenty five and in these
formative times in our lives, when we're beginning like serious relationships,
(26:57):
it's already ingrained in us and something we have to
add deply unlearned or if you're proached enough to not
learn it in the first place. So growing up, I
went to u predominantly Jewish elementary and middle school, and
then an Episcopalian high school, where we already had very
(27:18):
small classes, Like I think my graduating class was maybe
one hundred and ten people. And these are the same
people I went to school with from junior kindergarten to
senior year, so like, I knew these people very very well,
some might say too well. And I'm from Jacksonville, Florida,
so it's already like a very racially segregated town. Low key,
(27:42):
but especially being in private school, I was one of
very very few black girls, and I'm talking like I
think maximum we had maybe three, and I was later
when I was in high school. When I was in
elementary school, I was probably be the only one form
most of the years I was there. So I would
(28:04):
never necessarily say that I grew up having problems with confidence.
Like I knew I was very smart. I loved dance.
I thought I was good at it. I loved reading,
and like, boys weren't necessarily ever really on my mind
in elementary school. Obviously, when you get to middle school
in high school and you're like watching all these TV
shows like gossip Girl, and everything's always about relationships and
(28:26):
who you're dating, and your friends are starting to date
people that did like sort of start to become a
thing for me. But I think I was very highly
aware from an early age that in the setting I
was in, I was not what was considered to be attractive.
I understood that just one being the only black person
(28:48):
in most spaces I was in. But I think also
just like literally hearing comments from boys growing up saying like, oh,
I would like you if you weren't black. Yes, I
was a direct quote from seventh grade, or just seeing
that like the guys I had crushes on, it wasn't
necessarily like ever something that was attainable, like I knew
they were like pipe drink crushes anyway. So I think
(29:11):
that once I finally left undergrad and came to New York,
where obviously I was now surrounded by a lot of
more people that looked like me, he was starting to
find me attractive, Like I was in a space where
people were starting to look at me, if that makes
any sense. So it wasn't until college that I necessarily
got a lot of confidence in how I looked physically
(29:33):
and became more comfortable in putting myself out there relationship wise.
So I think that because it was such a moment
of change for me in all aspects of my life.
Like I'd gone from a pretty small city to a
big city. I was now very independent, I was starting college,
living on my own for the first time. I think
(29:55):
that it just sort of became a bigger part of
my life. Like now that people have found me attractive,
I started going dates for the first time. And because
I'm an adult now, I never had those like itty
bitty baby relationships in middle school in high school, where
like I learned how to stand up for myself and
how to put myself first and prioritize myself. I thought
(30:17):
that if someone had a crush on me, like I
was lucky, I should be grateful, Like I'll put up
with any sort of behavior, I'll put them first. I'll
make them think that, you know, they're never one in
my life, because that's what I need to do to
make someone like me, which sounds stupid like looking back
at it, I think it's something that was ingrained in
my head from a very early point on in like
(30:38):
my trajectory of romantic relationships. So and I think it
doesn't help that like the ship I had for like
all of my college years, like all four years basically
coming into law school, which if you listen to season
one of this podcasts is the one that I'm constantly
crying over. It was just like a very abusive sounds
(30:59):
like a very strong word, but it's just like the
power dynamics were very unequal. Like this person was five
years older than me. They were in law school when
I was an undergrad, so like I already came into
the relationship pretty insecure because they were already older than me.
It was my first like long term boyfriend, and I
think they knew that they could get away with a
(31:20):
lot of certain behaviors that they probably wouldn't be able
to exseb on their own age. And obviously I went
to go to law school too, so I looked at them,
I looked up to them professionally, academically, and just as
sort of like a partner, and I think that they
found that if they treated me a certain way and
(31:41):
that kind of insecurity I felt remained, they could get
away with a lot of lot more behavior than they
normally would, And so I started to internalize that from
a very early on point in a relationship, and so
all throughout college, like he came first, like before my friends,
before school, and some instances like if he was not happy,
(32:01):
my day was ruined. So it became to a point where,
like it became very, very unhealthy. I don't think that
I realized this sort of like Stockholm syndrome upsession I
had in the relationship until I had graduated, so after
I started to realize that I feel like so many
And even though I was aware that, like their relationship
(32:22):
was unhealthy and the way I dealt with things was
not healthy, I had already internalized those feelings for four years.
So when I started to date in my first two
years of law school, it felt so hard to decenter
these people like I had seen my friends go on
dates and like the minute they saw a single red
flat with someone, they were gone dropped easy for me,
(32:45):
It's so hard because for some reason, I feel this
need to make these people like me, like I feel
like I have to earn their respect or earn their value,
not just because I want them, but to I guess,
appease myself in that younger part of me that never
felt loved or attracted or attractive to other people. And
so it's so hard to let some of my friends
(33:06):
or make my friends understand that sometimes that like I
understand the red flags. I see the red flags, and
consciously I know that I deserve better, But sometimes I
don't know what it is, if it's like an ego
or a prive thing or a trauma response that I
have to make that person respect me, I have to
make them value me, like for some reason, it feels
(33:27):
like I need them to reaffirm my value. And I
think that because I have put so much stock and
stake into help men felt about me, I was constantly
in the state of insecurity because I have learned the
hard way. If your sense of security, your sense of
self value and self worth and self appreciation, is based
(33:48):
on someone else's feelings, you will never feel secure ever.
And like sometimes yes, you might find someone that likes you,
that you're in love with, and you feel so happy
and so attractive and so confident just in your looks,
but in the way you feel in your academics and
your profession, life, et cetera. Like things just start clicking
into place, but the second things go wrong or you
break up, you feel yourself puminate again. And I think
(34:10):
that in realizing now the kind of life I want
for myself post law school, like as I'm entering a
new phase of my life, my priority above honestly everything else,
is my self, security, my self value, prioritizing me in
every way possible, because I'm very aware of how that
(34:32):
overlaps into every other aspect of my life, Like I
can't expect to be successful at work, successful at school, happy,
peaceful saying, having healthy relationships, having healthy friendships if I
don't present my best self first. So I took probably
eight or so months over the last year to really
(34:54):
just focus on myself. And I realized in this decision
process when I was applying to London why I brought
it up. Having that even on my con list was
sort of like a stopping point for me where I
was like, I know that progress isn't linear, but I
think one me putting it down and then immediately catching
myself and saying, Okay, this should not even be a
(35:15):
consideration at this point, Like, yes, practically it is, but
I think that putting my desires for new opportunities or
rare opportunities first and having those experiences it's so much
more important than some relationship that I don't even know
I'm gonna have. So I think that finally realizing that
for myself and catching it before I let it become
(35:36):
a thing, which is like a sign of progress for me,
which might sound stupid to other people, but I think
if you know the way that I acted those four years,
that's such a big leap of progress for me. So
while that was probably one of the main things holding
me back from going, I finally decided today that no
matter what happens in those relationships, like, I'm putting my
(35:57):
desire to have the like new experiences and cool opportunities first,
So I'm fully going to go as of now, and
if I don't go, it won't be because of that.
So I think that this larger conversation that I've seen
not just on TikTok, but like in TV shows and
talking with my friends about not sorely decentering man, but
(36:20):
recentering yourself, because I don't think it just applies to me.
I think it applies to putting stock or putting yourself
worth in anyone else's hands is going to be unhealthy
no matter what. So I think just recentering yourself and
realizing that or at this age or at this point
in our lives like mid or early twenties to early
thirties were like, this is probably one of the last
(36:40):
times where we can truly be selfish. And I don't
mean selfish is a negative thing. I mean as an
actually extremely positive thing where you can put yourself, your interests,
your needs, your wants, your desires first, unapologetically, and I
think that that is what sets you up for a
positive outlook on life, for healthy relationships, healthy marriages with health,
(37:03):
relationship with your kids, with your friends, long term relationships,
success in your workplace. And so I'm just taking this
moment to appreciate where I am and consciously making the
effort to make sure that no matter what, Sydney's coming first.
And so I just wanted to sort of put that
out there because I've been talking about it with my
(37:24):
therapists obviously and some friends, but just making a very
conscious effort to look at what in my life is
influenced by how other people perceive me and how men
perceive me, and making me a very conscious effort to
do away with that altogether, whether that's how I act,
how I dress, if I decide to go to certain events,
(37:46):
if I take up certain opportunities, how I speak in
certain spaces, and just making sure that it's coming from
a place of what I want to do, how I
want to do it, what I deserve, etc. Then trying
to appeal to some patriarchal outside expectation of how I'm
supposed to act, look, do, etc. And this is all
(38:08):
just to say the only validation that matters is internal validation.
And that comes to jobs, that comes to applying schools,
that applies to friends, to a sport situation. And if
you take anything life from this episode, besides the fact
that Beyonce is brilliant, it's these two things. One, your
value does not decrease based on someone else's inability to
(38:32):
see your own worth. Take that as you will. I'll
peed that one more time. Your value does not decrease
based on someone else's inability to see your worth. I
had to tell myself that one million times rittistic. Trust
me the minute that gets ingrained into your head, No man,
no woman, no external person will ever shake your confidence.
(38:56):
Trust me. The second thing is this what the lady
told me of the ladies my therapist. The lady said,
if you find yourself constantly trying to prove your work
to someone else, if you've already forgotten your value, or
pee that one again too. If you find yourself constantly
trying to prove your worth to someone else, you've already
(39:16):
forgotten your own value. So remember the only validation you
need is your own. You are beautiful, you are confident,
you are smart, you are valuable, you are worthy, and
no man's opinion of you can ever change that. If
you listen to more episodes, you can find Crying in
Public on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeart, or wherever you get
your podcasts. You can follow us on follow Us, you
(39:38):
can follow me on Instagram or TikTok, and I'll link
them below. If you're interested in hearing about what's happening
at Columbia, the truth of things, how it's affecting students,
what campus is actually like right now. In the beginning
of this movement, we see spreading across campuses. Listen to
or look out for another episode coming again this weekend,
(40:00):
and if not, I will see you next week by
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