National Coffee Day! These dad jokes are grounds for termination! 29 September 2023

Daily Dad Jokes (29 Sep 2023)

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Jokes sourced and curated from reddit.com/r/dadjokes. Joke credits: ilikesidehugs, Threat_Identified, toddsleivonski, Brent_Forrest, LilShaver, MrSteveA, porichoygupto, metafroth, HugoZHackenbush2, quigleydude, SCSA4life24, rediculousradishes, jvlpdillon, .css-j9qmi7{display:-webkit-box;display:-webkit-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webkit-flex-direction:row;-ms-flex-direction:row;flex-direction:row;font-weight:700;margin-bottom:1rem;margin-top:2.8rem;width:100%;-webkit-box-pack:start;-ms-flex-pack:start;-webkit-justify-content:start;justify-content:start;padding-left:5rem;}@media only screen and (max-width: 599px){.css-j9qmi7{padding-left:0;-webkit-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webkit-justify-content:center;justify-content:center;}}.css-j9qmi7 svg{fill:#27292D;}.css-j9qmi7 .eagfbvw0{-webkit-align-items:center;-webkit-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;color:#27292D;}

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
I like my slaves, so I like my coffee free.

Speaker 2 (00:10):
What do you call mixing hard liquor with coffee? Getting
ready for work, the barista told me I had bad
dad jokes. I cannot espresso. How sad that made me.
I like my women the way I like my coffee.

(00:32):
I don't like coffee.

Speaker 1 (00:38):
Dirty. Harry walks into a Starbucks and says, go ahead, mocha.
My day.

Speaker 2 (00:51):
Accidentally made my coffee with red Bull instead of water.
I made it halfway to work before I realized I
forgot my car.

Speaker 1 (01:03):
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a
bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte. It was
a millennial falcon.

Speaker 2 (01:14):
Why did the coffee file a police report? Because it
got mugged.

Speaker 1 (01:22):
So there I was this morning, sitting and drinking coffee
in my slippers, and I thought to myself, I'll have
to start cleaning a few cups around here.

Speaker 2 (01:33):
My teeth were stained. So the dentist asked me do
you smoke or drink coffee? I told him I drink it.

Speaker 1 (01:44):
Why didn't Michael Jackson drink coffee because he's the King
of pop.

Speaker 2 (01:55):
My Jewish cousin started a coffee shop, and he gave
it a unique name, hebrews Coffee.

Speaker 1 (02:07):
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave
me a bag of used coffee. They said it was
grounds for termination.

Speaker 2 (02:19):
Where does Darth Vader get his coffee death? Starbucks?

Speaker 1 (02:33):
I like my women like I like my coffee. I've
never had coffee, but it smells nice.

Speaker 2 (02:41):
Why do coffee beans have successful marriages because they keep
each other grounded.

Speaker 1 (02:48):
I got kicked out of the coffee club for wearing
a T shirt.

Speaker 2 (02:56):
My dad dropped his phone in a cup of coffee
after as on silence. At least it runs java. Now.

Speaker 1 (03:09):
Why did the hipster keep burning his mouth with his coffee?
He drank it way before it was cool. What do
you call a sad coffee? Dupresso? How do you execute
coffee by decoffeitation.

Speaker 2 (03:41):
I don't like coffee mugs. They are not my cup
of tea.

Speaker 1 (03:49):
Do you stir your coffee with your right hand? If so,
try using a spoon next time.

Speaker 2 (04:00):
My wife wants to split up after I bought the
wrong coffee. I guess it's our grounds for divorce.

Speaker 1 (04:12):
My dad was like coffee, mostly drunk in the morning.

Speaker 2 (04:19):
Starbucks made my coffee too hot. I'm all right, but
my tongue hurts. A latte.

Speaker 1 (04:28):
Technically a vanilla, SOI latte is a three bean soup.

Speaker 2 (04:37):
What's that of his favorite coffee creamer? Half and half?

Speaker 1 (04:47):
A man walks into a cafe carrying a large chunk
of asphalt. He says, give me a coffee and one
for the road.

Speaker 2 (04:59):
Moses own a cafe in Heaven. It's called Holy Grounds.

Speaker 1 (05:06):
Why are there no cafes and mines because coffee should
never be made underground?

Speaker 2 (05:18):
What type of coffee do they sell at a cannibal cafe?
A cup of joe?

Speaker 1 (05:28):
Why was the barista fired because he was always latte
for work?

Speaker 2 (05:39):
Barista in a Paris called me a horrible American. In
her defense, I ordered a French roast.

Speaker 1 (05:49):
Why was the barista released from jail because the court
found that the arresting officers had no grounds.

Speaker 2 (06:03):
You shouldn't move a barista's tools, they might lose their temper.

Speaker 1 (06:11):
I asked a Starbucks barristo why she was wearing a
face mask. She said, it's a coffee filter.

Speaker 2 (06:22):
If a barista is really good at what he does,
could you say that coffee is his cup of TEA.

Speaker 1 (06:31):
What do you call an Italian barristo with Alzheimer's afrigato?

Speaker 2 (06:43):
What do you call the sick barista coffee?

Speaker 1 (06:50):
I went to a coffee shop and asked a barista
for their mildest roast. He said, you have very average years.
Why couldn't the muture barista connect with others? It was
hard for him to espresso himself. My barista handed me

(07:15):
my latte and apologized, sorry, we don't have any more sleeves,
to which I responded, no worries. You have the right
to bear arms.

Speaker 2 (07:28):
How did the barista become rich? She was always on
her grind?

Speaker 1 (07:34):
What does the groundhog like to drink whole milk?

Speaker 2 (07:43):
What's the name of the dessert consisting of espresso poured
over vanilla ice cream? It was on the tip of
my tongue, but afrigato.

Speaker 1 (07:55):
The milkruffer on the espresso machine at the cafe was broken,
you might say, ran out of steam.

Speaker 2 (08:05):
This morning, I made my hamster an extra strong espresso
coffee and crush some caffeine pills up in his food.
I'd hate for him to fall asleep at the wheel.

Speaker 1 (08:18):
What prestigious award did the coffee get when it graduated
from college. Magna cum latte.

Speaker 2 (08:30):
I'm old. I grind my coffee every morning. I may
has been.

Speaker 1 (08:40):
What is the Cappuccino's favorite programming language? JavaScript?

Speaker 2 (08:48):
You know the best place to get your coffee news
from the French press?

Speaker 1 (08:57):
Why does President Mikron drink instant coffee because he hates
the French Chris, I'm Bob Jeffy and I'm Montgomery Jones.
And that's the caffeinated dad jokes for National Coffee Day.
We're on a mission to spread the laughs and groans
far and wide, So please do us a favor and
share just one of these jokes with your family and friends.

Speaker 2 (09:18):
Thanks. Hey, listeners. We have another podcast called Daily Shower Thoughts,
showcasing random, amusing and mind bending epiphanies. Search for Daily
Shower Thoughts in your podcast player or check the show
notes page for more info. Your mind will be blown.

Speaker 1 (09:40):
Do you have your own dad joke you want to share?
Join the hundreds of listeners who have submitted their own
dad jokes through our voicemail. Please spread the laughs and
groans and submit your own dad joke to our voicemail
with the best ones to be included in special fan episodes.
Just leave your name, the city and state you live in,
and your best joke. Call nine seven eight three nine

(10:03):
three one zero seven six. I'll repeat that number. It's
nine seven eight three nine three one zero seven six.
Or check the show notes page for the number. We
look forward to hearing from you.

Speaker 2 (10:19):
The Daily Dad Jokes podcast is produced by Classic Studios.
See the show notes page for social media links and
joke credits. This show was recorded in front of a
canned studio audience.