August 14, 2023 • 33 mins
Simon travels to Boulder to meet Alana’s mother, Joyce, and becomes determined to help her understand what happened to Alana.
This episode contains references to suicide. If you or someone you know is in need of help, please contact the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988. Listener discretion is advised.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Dear Alana is released weekly and brought to you absolutely free.
But if you want to binge the whole season right now,
subscribe to tenderfoot Plus at tenderfootplus dot com or on
Apple Podcasts. You also get exclusive bonus episodes throughout the season.
For more information, check out the show notes enjoy the episode.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are solely
those of the podcast author or individuals participating in the podcast,
and do not represent those of tenderfoot TV or their employees.
The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or
someone you know is in need of help, please contact
the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine eight eight.
(00:46):
Listener discretion is advised.
Speaker 3 (00:58):
Why ye are you thirty five?
Speaker 4 (01:02):
Are you dirty? Sick?
Speaker 3 (01:03):
Are you thirty sack?
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Wow? It's my birthday and you can tell from my
voice that I am not as excited to turn thirty
eight as my nephews are. I thought my life would
look pretty different. My younger self would have guessed that
i'd be married by now, not single and newly unemployed,
having just burned out of the tech career. I'd spent
so much of my life building. I remember birthdays as
(01:30):
a kid. When I turned seven, my dad taught me
how to ride a bike for the first time. Life was,
in some ways so much simpler, but still kind of terrifying.
I grew up in the Catholic Church, and not just
the occasional Sunday Mass. As a kid and throughout my
early adult years, I actually wanted to become a priest.
(01:53):
This might sound intense, but for Catholics, the purpose of
life isn't to become a good person or even to
become a priest, but it's to become a saint. Saints,
they said, were united with the people here on earth
from beyond the grave in a kind of mystical way.
At first, this scared me, thinking about the dad having
(02:15):
an influence on the living. But the saints they wanted
to help us. I remember praying to Saint Anthony when
I couldn't find my pencil case, and he totally came through.
But if you had told me that someone who died
who I'd never met, would take me from my life
in San Francisco, compel me to spend the next three
years following her story and make me confront my biggest
(02:39):
fears in real time, I wouldn't have believed you that
would be taking this mystical concept too far.
Speaker 5 (02:52):
Hi, my name's Salana, And last summer I went to
Camp Watiwa and one of the most profound experiences I
had was there on the rock climbing wall.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
This is Alana Chen. She's sixteen and standing in front
of the Rocky Mountains where she's attending an outdoor Catholic
summer camp.
Speaker 5 (03:08):
And as I was going, I was climbing really excited.
But eventually I got to this place where I was
just stuck on the rock, and the people that were
helping me were trying to tell me which way to
go so that I could keep going, keep climbing up,
and I just didn't want to listen, so for a
while I blocked them out, but I was still stuck.
So I was just stuck there holding cleaning on.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Alana's from a small town outside of Boulder, Colorado. She
works at an ice cream shop called Sweet Cow. Her
favorite flavor is chocolate oatmeal stout.
Speaker 5 (03:39):
And eventually I just got more and more tired and weaker,
and they just kept saying, okay, just let go. If
you let go of the rock, like the rope will
just swing you back to that straight path, and still
I didn't want to listen to them.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Alana's really good at ultimate frisbee. Her team makes it
to the state finals, but she's a little different from
the rest of her teammates. That's because since she was thirteen,
she's wanted to become a nun.
Speaker 5 (04:06):
But eventually, as I just sat there, I just heard
in my heart this voice. I was just saying, let go,
Just let go of anything you're holding on to your
pride or your fear, and the ropes will catch you.
And in reality, it was like God would catch me
in that moment because I could just let go and
not be afraid anymore.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
I remember the day I learned about Alana. It was
December twenty nineteen, and I was scrolling on my phone
when I came across the news of a girl from Boulder, Colorado,
who wanted to become a nun, was told to keep
a secret, and who died at the age of twenty four,
with her entire life ahead.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
Of her breaking from overnight.
Speaker 4 (04:51):
Louisville police are searching for a missing twenty four year
old woman.
Speaker 6 (04:55):
I never SAIDs Adde Guahardo sat down with her family
and Addie.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
They tell you they believe conversion therapy played a role.
Speaker 4 (05:01):
Yes, the mother says her daughter first opened up to
a priest at her church when she was just fourteen
years old.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
However, the church denies any conversion therapy was done. I froze,
my blood went cold, and it felt like time stopped.
You See, I recognized the kind of religious community that
Alana was a part of, the kind of counsel and
therapy she allegedly received that promised to convert her sexuality,
(05:27):
even the way the church responded. I recognized these things because,
even though I'm a decade older than her, Alana's story
sounded strikingly similar to mine. I went on Facebook and
started searching. I found Alana's mother, who had just posted
about how Alana had sought a controversial kind of therapy
(05:49):
against her parents' wishes, overcome with I don't know what
I wrote to her, sharing things I never talk about
with anyone, things I've kept secret. I told her about
how I'd always wanted to be a priest when I
grew up, that to me, conversion therapy wasn't a buzzword.
I'd spent my twenties trying to change my sexual orientation
(06:13):
and even sought one of the most acclaimed Catholic therapists
to help me, and I shared how important the church
still was in my life. I had no expectations that
she would get back to me. I just wanted her
to know that maybe someone out there understood. A few
months later, Alana's mother, Joyce, wrote back to me and
(06:36):
we talked on the phone. Her grief was palpable. She
shared memories of Alana and blamed herself for not knowing
earlier or doing more. We stayed in touch like this
over the months, through emails and phone calls. Sometimes she'd
send a single text in the middle of the night
saying I miss her so much. While all of this
(07:04):
might seem like any other tragedy, just another example of
a young life cut too short, I wonder if there's
more to this story. Memories that I thought were behind
me keep flooding back, and my gut tells me there's
more to her death than what's been in the news.
I need to know. How does someone who seemed to
(07:25):
do everything right go from wanting to become a nun
to telling reporters that if there is a God, he
doesn't need me talking to him anymore. This is the
story of a girl caught between earnest faith and the
American culture wars, teenage rebellion and spiritual manipulation, the promise
(07:48):
of purity and the price we pay to belong. And
this is my story of how a girl I never
met would turn my faith my life upside down. From
Tenderfoot TV, I'm simon Kent phone and this is Dear Alana,
(08:12):
Part one. Mom. It's been a year and a half
since I first reached out to Alana's mother, Joyce. She
texted me earlier in the day and we talked about
how great it would be to finally meet up in person.
Having just spent time with my family for my birthday,
(08:35):
I've been thinking about Alana and her family a lot.
Joyce has had a hard time going through alana stuff,
and she mentioned that she wants to write a book
about her one day making a trip out to Bolder.
Maybe I could help her organize Alana's computer and fix
her email, that sort of thing. I glanced down at
my dog, Sophie, who looks up from the couch in
(08:55):
my one bedroom apartment. My box of work stuff still unpacked,
painfully obvious. I have nothing tethering me here, so I
book a flight to Colorado. As I pick up my
(09:17):
rental car and drive towards Boulder, I'm struck by how
flat and wide this part of Colorado is compared to
San Francisco. Everything feels spread out, just passed by a
tattoo and art gallery. In between each city are stretches
of cornfields and ranchland and dominoes and nail salons. But
the sky is everywhere. The sky and the mountains are everywhere.
(09:43):
As I pull up into the parking lot of our
apartment complex, I can't believe I'm finally going to meet
this woman who I've been texting and talking with for
so long. Joyce, a dark haired woman, calls to me
from the second floor. She comes down to let me in.
Speaker 7 (10:00):
Oh, I can't believe.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
I can't believe either. This is so surreal.
Speaker 4 (10:06):
You look great.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
You look great.
Speaker 7 (10:09):
I know it's little makeup, can do some.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Joyce is tall and striking in person, with a dark
olive complexion and a wide smile. She's sixty and has
this disarming yoga mom energy. She lives alone on the
outskirts of Boulder, having gotten divorced, about eight months ago,
while Alana's father, Mike kept the house. The kids have
all moved away, and Joyce and Mike share custody of
(10:34):
their two dogs, who are with her this week. Her
small apartment is full of light and tastefully decorated with
white furniture. Beautiful, look at how the time's play sauce.
Speaker 7 (10:47):
Yeah, I have a lot of ha hona in here.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
She eagerly shows me around it really well.
Speaker 7 (10:54):
That's her picture from her birthday.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Along the walls of the entrance is one of the
last photos of Alana, had tilted and holding two packages
in her hands. I recognize this photo from the missing
person's police report.
Speaker 7 (11:06):
That was right two months before she passed.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
She was so happy. Yeah, and then but what were
the gifts that she's holding.
Speaker 7 (11:16):
Oh, some of my friends they got her hiking socks
because she loved to go hiking and climbing. Oh yeah,
And then it's funny these shoes. She was also like outdoorsy.
But then she'd do fashion like she'd pick something like that,
and I'd be like, I'd never wear.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
Something like that.
Speaker 7 (11:33):
But we went to the monastery for that retreat that
was October, and there's a thrift shop. So she picked
those out and some cold pants and that's the art.
She did that in high school.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
No way, We're standing in front of an impressive canvas
of pink and crimson flowers, stained glass.
Speaker 7 (11:52):
You know what it looks like, stained glass. Everybody says
that she made it out of pieces of magazine.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
It's crazy.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
She's got a great eye.
Speaker 7 (12:02):
Yeah, she was so artistic finally before, like she finally
said I'm gonna I'm gonna be an artist. I'm like, yeah,
that's what you already are. But I have so I'll
show you, but take it any ice water or silsa water.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
Alana was born in October of nineteen ninety five, the
third of four children. Compared to her routier siblings, Alana
was the shy, sensitive, empathetic kid.
Speaker 8 (12:34):
I feel like she had this quiet, but really funny
sense of humor.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
This is Carissa, Alana's older sister, two years apart. The
more I learn about Alana, the more this picture of
a quiet, bright goofball emerges.
Speaker 8 (12:49):
Like She'll tell you these stories and you're just like,
what on earth you dislocated your shoulder and then put
it back in place on her own.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
She remembers the first time she tried to throw a
party while her parents.
Speaker 8 (12:59):
Were away, and she was like, why are you cleaning
so much? I was like, oh, I just want to
have a clean house. So mom and dad are gone
for the weekend.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Alana quickly caught on after seeing the bags of alcohol
in Carissa's bedroom.
Speaker 8 (13:11):
And then she texted me a few hours later and
she was like, I know you're having a party tonight.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
Don't lie to me.
Speaker 8 (13:19):
I don't care, but don't let anyone sleep in my room.
And I was like, okay, fair.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Carissa threw the party, all was well.
Speaker 8 (13:27):
A whole year passes by and she decides to tell
my mom because she can't hold it in any longer.
And my mom was like, you're grounded. I was like,
for what, She's like, one year ago you had a
party and so Anna told me about it, and I
was just like, Ahna, are you kidding me? And my
(13:47):
mom was so upset. She was like, you made your
sister keep that from me all this time. I was like,
wh I didn't realize it was bothering her so much,
Like that was annoying to me.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Back at the apartment, Joyce is going through some family photos.
Speaker 7 (14:06):
So let's mix. Mother, he's full Chinese. He was born
in the US in New York, and your background is
my mom. Her parents were Puerto Rican and then my
dad was born in Brooklyn, but his parents were Italian.
Oh cool, Yeah, so it's quite a mix.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
She continues the tour.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
Little altar.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
She shows me piles of mementos she's assembled into makeshift altars,
a bunch of objects grouped around a photo of Alana.
Speaker 7 (14:35):
Yeah, and this was in her room. She r really
loved Saint Trez and she got me this in Rwanda.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
Mmm, that's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
Yeahving She picks up a bible that belonged to her
father and points to a bronze medallion with the Serenity
prayer etched in it.
Speaker 7 (14:54):
And you had this, which was crazy cause it's from
ellen On And I was like, God, did he got own?
It was just because my crime, my mom was making
them crazy.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Joyce is really open about her alcoholism and recovery. In fact,
it's alcoholics Anonymous that sets into motion her search for
a spiritual home for her family.
Speaker 7 (15:15):
When I got sober, I was twenty eight and I
was in Boulder, and I wouldn't go to church. And
my mom would call me. At twenty eight, we were
a church Sunday and I was like, no, AA is
my church. And I just felt that way.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
As her kids got a little older, she started to
change her mind.
Speaker 7 (15:32):
I remember when Sammy was at the age of communion.
Then I just felt like I want them to have
that because when I was in AA, I used to
say my higher power is Jesus. I just felt like, God,
we all need something, you know, prayer, life, something like that.
But that brought me back to the church, which was
a struggle.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
She ended up church shopping, first joining a gospel choir
at a Presbyterian church, which exposed her to different denominations,
and eventually landing at Sad Heart of Mary, a Catholic
church in Boulder.
Speaker 7 (16:03):
So one day after church, because I, you know, I
could tell they weren't into into it, the college students
came up and made announcement at the pulpit about this
camp and they were they seemed funny, they seemed like
college students, really cool.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
Joyce thought this would be a great opportunity to get
her kids interested in God.
Speaker 7 (16:22):
So I asked them and they were like no, no, no,
like no way, We're going that camp, and then all
of a sudden, I don't have the college students heard
us talking, but all of a sudden one of them
came over and she was for the sweetest one and
seeing the nicest and not weird, and she was just like, oh,
come on, guys, you know you could just try. It's
gonna be so much fun. And she actually got on
her knees. It was a little weird, and she was like,
(16:44):
come on, come on, come, and you know they're so
good and sweet. They were like, okay, well try one.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
The kids ended up going to the first day of camp,
and they came back that night really excited.
Speaker 7 (16:57):
Alana and Chrisa were sitting at the table, the kitchen table,
and they were like, mom, it was so good. It
was so good. And their tears were rolling down their
face and I was like, why are you crying, and
they were saying, well, we were hearing stories, you know,
like it was just about someone was rape, some serious stuff.
I thought for their age. And then but they found
God and they loved Jesus so much and they're so
(17:17):
happy and they overcame this and I, you know, I
remember thinking, well, I hear people speak in twelve step
programs and it's very moving. You always get to the
end where it's like wow, great, And so I was
a little concerned and I asked a little bit more questions,
and then I just they were just like, we loved it.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
They finished the rest of the week at camp, and
that's when Joyce remembers a change in Alana, who's thirteen
at the time.
Speaker 7 (17:43):
The very next Sunday in Mass in the same church,
Alana was on the edge of the pew and she
was sitting up and she had her hands in prayer,
and she was like focused night and day, like doing
everything perfectly that you need to do in the Mass.
And then I remember it asking her because she was
even more devout, and I said, what are you doing?
(18:05):
She goes, well, we learned what to do in between
these things that the regular people do during Mass.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Most run of the mill Catholics are barely following along
and probably spacing out. But the really devout ones, the
ones in the know, know, for example, that after the
priest has handed out communion, that's the time to be
in quiet reflection and give thanks for having received the
Body of Christ.
Speaker 7 (18:31):
I mean, I just was shocked. I was shocked, but.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
I was like, wow, this marks the beginning of Alana's
deepening interest in Catholicism. Yeah, we're in Joyce's walk in
closet and rummaging through a box of Alana's keepsakes.
Speaker 7 (18:50):
She wrote this, she's really, really, really super religious. When
she wrote so this is twenty fifteen, she wrote, raise
a glad cry, you barren and who never bore a child,
break forth in jubilant song, you who have never been
in labor. For more numerous are the children of the
(19:10):
deserted wife than the children of her who has a husband,
says the Lord. Is this from the Bible? Yeah, do
not fear. You shall not be put to shame for
the shame of your youth. You shall forget the reproach
of your widowhood no longer.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Remember, as we poke around the closet, I look up
and spot two large piles of spiral notebooks. Are those
all the diaries?
Speaker 5 (19:37):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (19:37):
The world it was she had so many of these,
like notebooks and notebooks and notebooks.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
Over the last two years, Joyce has been telling me
about Alana's journals. She found nearly two dozen of them
in Alana's bedroom, and she's eager to show them to
me and hopes that I might have some insight. I
help Joyce carry them off the shelf.
Speaker 7 (19:58):
Ugh, this is twenty fifteen, Simon, what age would.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
You have since you have been nineteen? Yeah? What was
anything interesting there?
Speaker 6 (20:07):
Well?
Speaker 7 (20:08):
First, she's writing, this is how firm a foundation? How
firm a foundation, you say to the Lord is laid
for your faith in his excellent word.
Speaker 3 (20:18):
It looks like it's a song.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
That's a found you says.
Speaker 7 (20:30):
And then she writes maybe she wrote a poem, or
is this a hymn too? I will come to you
in the silence, I will lift you from all your fear.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
I think it's hymn.
Speaker 7 (20:45):
And then she writes, Jesus, you keep answering my prayers. Yeah,
save me from the sin of a pusori apostasy.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
That's a medieval term meaning abandoning the faith.
Speaker 7 (20:58):
Teach me, please, teach me to angelized, to proclaim to
live the faith in love, to speak of you at
home and abroad. Amen.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
I've written these same prayers in my journals, and in
reading Alana's words, I feel a little less alone. I
don't know anyone else who as a teen was this
focused on God. Joyce tells me that Alana also stood
out for her religiosity. She was known around town as
the Saint, and not just because of her prayers.
Speaker 7 (21:30):
Oh my god, what this is a letter from Shorty.
Shorty was an alcoholic that Elana met under the bridge
in balder and would read the Bible to her. Shorty
lost her children. She was like the worst drunk I
met her, and Alana got her into this program to
get sober and Surety says, Hi, Alana, how are you doing.
(21:52):
I pray you're doing well and in good spirits. I
know the last letter you wrote you were having kind
of a crummy time. I don't know if I told
you that I moved last week. Now I've obtained permanent housing.
That's a chance in a lifetime thing. So I have
my very own apartment and it's brand new and never
been lived in it. I am stoked.
Speaker 9 (22:13):
She was keeping in touch.
Speaker 7 (22:16):
Wow, this is the.
Speaker 9 (22:17):
Kind of stuff she did.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
We find a few other letters like this, including one
from an inmate whu Alana evidently visited in jail. And
you can tell from these letters that Alana wasn't just
some drop in do gooder. She really had a relationship
with these people.
Speaker 9 (22:33):
She was always like helping these people.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
As we paged through her journals, we find plenty of
entries showing a young girl's enthusiasm for her faith, transcriptions
of prayers, and Novena's little to do lists. Clean the car,
call in, go to the bank, plan for the Rwanda trip,
Read Evangeli Gaudium, the book by the Pope.
Speaker 7 (22:54):
Talking ticket, practice Hebrew.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
And then we come across something different, and look.
Speaker 7 (23:01):
At this, she writes. Not good enough, not good example
for kids, shy, never say the right thing, Useless, dry,
free loader, not a good Catholic, ugly, not important, stupid, annoying, distracted,
God gave up on me. Blame careless, nothing to say
(23:21):
God for everything. Bad daughter, don't show appreciation and patient, cocky, silent,
never defending God. Outcasts, can't talk to Father, deep because failure.
Only think of myself. Not a good friend, not a
team player, mean, too joy, angry, jealous, will never love enough,
(23:46):
self conscious, never live up to the Saints, confused to
tempt it, not pure. All I care about is Frisbee.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
She turns the page.
Speaker 7 (23:57):
God, I love you. Take all this crap, remove it,
overcome it, Teach me your ways, Love me carry me.
I keep trying to leave you, but I want you.
I want to live for you. I don't want anything
between you and me. Amen love alone.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Oh this is crazy, Simon, all this weight that Alana
carried on her own without anyone knowing. She's so hard
on herself. And I wonder if Joyce ever noticed this.
When Alana was a kid. Was she always trying to
be perfect?
Speaker 3 (24:31):
Even as like a little kid.
Speaker 7 (24:32):
Any thing she said wanted that. She was always trying
to be perfect. And she knew that we liked math
and science, and she got the best grades to keep
us happy, and she didn't want to I got to fight,
so she would just never do anything.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
To get trouble. Joyce looks at me and narrows her eyes.
Speaker 9 (24:52):
You feel like I need to make it a sandwich?
Speaker 3 (25:00):
Anything?
Speaker 9 (25:01):
Is that?
Speaker 1 (25:01):
Just like a Even with all that's going on, she
manages to be unintentionally funny.
Speaker 7 (25:18):
This was I was telling you about this that I
found this on her keyboard. It would just like kind
of showed up and.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
I'm in Joyce's apartment and she holds up a folded
letter with Alana's own curly handwriting.
Speaker 7 (25:32):
Do you, dear Alana, you are just a little girl.
But you really don't like yourself. What if I told
you that I love who you are. I love you
how you are and how you will be tomorrow. You
have beautiful hair and a beautiful face, and your family
would miss.
Speaker 6 (25:51):
You if you were gone.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
She takes a breath.
Speaker 7 (25:55):
Dear Alana, I don't know what to say. I don't no,
I don't know what drove you to.
Speaker 6 (26:06):
Hurt yourself so badly. You were all alone? Why were
you all alone? I know you don't understand how you
can be loved or redeemed. I wish you could see
that the people that love you, the people that matter,
they don't hold you to those standards. They don't see
(26:26):
you as defiled. They don't see you as someone that
needs to be fixed or different than who you are.
The people that love you are still with you. Those
other people that left, that walked away, that couldn't follow you,
they couldn't handle your light, they couldn't handle the shock,
the surprise. They were too weak to see you for
(26:48):
who you really are. But your mother, your real mother,
and your real father, and your brother and sisters, they
have walked with you. They see you, and now I
see you, and I love you so much. So I
read this with the memorial and like it was really
(27:09):
hard to But I don't know, like if she wrote
this the night before, I don't know, another time maybe,
But it's so beautiful but so sod.
Speaker 3 (27:22):
As.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
I imagine Alana writing this letter to herself. My heart breaks.
But that's not the only emotion I'm feeling. I'm feeling
something stirring inside of me, a combination of fear and dread.
Maybe it's because everything Joyce is reading to me feels
so eerily familiar. I remember my earnest zeal, my spiritual rumination,
(27:48):
my feeling of being abandoned, and if I'm honest, it's
all stuff I'm still working through and I can't help
but wonder why I'm here and Alana's not. On Monday,
December ninth, twenty nineteen, Alana Chen died by suicide. You
(28:17):
may not understand how a young person so deeply in
love with God would want to take their own life,
but I do. I've been to that dark place where
the light seems so far away at the end of
a long day. Joyce is sitting across from me on
(28:40):
the floor, and there are papers everywhere. The giant tupperware
box looks like it's exploded.
Speaker 3 (28:46):
Open.
Speaker 7 (28:47):
Organize this, lady. Yeah, I'm never gonna you will.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
I can, all right, let's put this away.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
It'll be here.
Speaker 7 (29:01):
She's never going to write this.
Speaker 9 (29:07):
Because I want to just stand half of it, oppen.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
I can feel Joyce's desperation, and I feel like I
already have so much to tell her about my own
life and how it might relate to Alana's. But am
I ready to go there? And what does this say
about a church I still know and love. I look
at Joyce surrounded by the notebooks, artwork, and photographs, her
(29:53):
daughter's life laid out on the hardwood floor, and then
I feel something else. It's a feeling of conviction. I
have to help her understand what happened to Alana.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
I will follow you, follow you wherever you might go.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
Next time on Dear Olana, Today, twenty two young women
will begin their journey toward becoming a nun. How Alana's
decision to become a nun is solidified when a controversial
priest offers her spiritual direction.
Speaker 3 (30:37):
I will follow you ever since you touched my hand.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (30:47):
Dear Alana was created hosted and written by me Simon
kentfang And is a production of Tenderfoot TV in association
with a Slept Audio and the Center for Independent Documentary.
It was produced by Laurie Puliski, who also composed the music.
Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay. Our
supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional music by Makeup
(31:10):
and Vanity. Set sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our credit song,
I Will Follow You is by to Loose. Show notes
and resources can be found on our website Diarlana dot com.
If you enjoyed this episode, please take time to follow
the show, rate and review.
Speaker 3 (31:27):
There is no Suti monton so high keep me away
away from the long.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
Coming up this season.
Speaker 7 (31:54):
I didn't want her to see him, and then she
was sneaking on the phone, and then like I'm here.
I am the mother who's bidding my daughter to see
a priest and to become a nun. And it was
what she wanted. It made her happy, but I didn't
know what since she confessed, I didn't know she was
attracted to girls. No, she didn't tell me. She told him.
She confessed to him.
Speaker 4 (32:16):
We believe that homosexuality is a symptom of early childhood trauma.
We get the client to address those traumas and they
will just experience a diminishment in their same sex attraction.
Speaker 8 (32:28):
It was like a big deal at the ten that
she was going on this date and he picked her up,
and like we had all met him. He's super nice,
he's handsome.
Speaker 3 (32:37):
She brought me upstairs and so I don't know, what
is that?
Speaker 1 (32:41):
Did you do this to yourself?
Speaker 3 (32:43):
I was like, what did you do?
Speaker 1 (32:49):
Dear Alana is an eight part series released weekly. If
you can't wait until next week, subscribe to tenderfoot Plus
so you can binge the entire series right now, ad free.
Head to Apple Podcasts or tenorfoot plus dot com to
subscribe now.
Speaker 3 (33:06):
MHM
Dear Alana is released weekly and brought to you absolutely free.
But if you want to binge the whole season right now,
subscribe to tenderfoot Plus at tenderfootplus dot com or on
Apple Podcasts. You also get exclusive bonus episodes throughout the season.
For more information, check out the show notes enjoy the episode.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are solely
those of the podcast author or individuals participating in the podcast,
and do not represent those of tenderfoot TV or their employees.
The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or
someone you know is in need of help, please contact
the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine eight eight.
(00:46):
Listener discretion is advised.
Speaker 3 (00:58):
Why ye are you thirty five?
Speaker 4 (01:02):
Are you dirty? Sick?
Speaker 3 (01:03):
Are you thirty sack?
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Wow? It's my birthday and you can tell from my
voice that I am not as excited to turn thirty
eight as my nephews are. I thought my life would
look pretty different. My younger self would have guessed that
i'd be married by now, not single and newly unemployed,
having just burned out of the tech career. I'd spent
so much of my life building. I remember birthdays as
(01:30):
a kid. When I turned seven, my dad taught me
how to ride a bike for the first time. Life was,
in some ways so much simpler, but still kind of terrifying.
I grew up in the Catholic Church, and not just
the occasional Sunday Mass. As a kid and throughout my
early adult years, I actually wanted to become a priest.
(01:53):
This might sound intense, but for Catholics, the purpose of
life isn't to become a good person or even to
become a priest, but it's to become a saint. Saints,
they said, were united with the people here on earth
from beyond the grave in a kind of mystical way.
At first, this scared me, thinking about the dad having
(02:15):
an influence on the living. But the saints they wanted
to help us. I remember praying to Saint Anthony when
I couldn't find my pencil case, and he totally came through.
But if you had told me that someone who died
who I'd never met, would take me from my life
in San Francisco, compel me to spend the next three
years following her story and make me confront my biggest
(02:39):
fears in real time, I wouldn't have believed you that
would be taking this mystical concept too far.
Speaker 5 (02:52):
Hi, my name's Salana, And last summer I went to
Camp Watiwa and one of the most profound experiences I
had was there on the rock climbing wall.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
This is Alana Chen. She's sixteen and standing in front
of the Rocky Mountains where she's attending an outdoor Catholic
summer camp.
Speaker 5 (03:08):
And as I was going, I was climbing really excited.
But eventually I got to this place where I was
just stuck on the rock, and the people that were
helping me were trying to tell me which way to
go so that I could keep going, keep climbing up,
and I just didn't want to listen, so for a
while I blocked them out, but I was still stuck.
So I was just stuck there holding cleaning on.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Alana's from a small town outside of Boulder, Colorado. She
works at an ice cream shop called Sweet Cow. Her
favorite flavor is chocolate oatmeal stout.
Speaker 5 (03:39):
And eventually I just got more and more tired and weaker,
and they just kept saying, okay, just let go. If
you let go of the rock, like the rope will
just swing you back to that straight path, and still
I didn't want to listen to them.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Alana's really good at ultimate frisbee. Her team makes it
to the state finals, but she's a little different from
the rest of her teammates. That's because since she was thirteen,
she's wanted to become a nun.
Speaker 5 (04:06):
But eventually, as I just sat there, I just heard
in my heart this voice. I was just saying, let go,
Just let go of anything you're holding on to your
pride or your fear, and the ropes will catch you.
And in reality, it was like God would catch me
in that moment because I could just let go and
not be afraid anymore.
Speaker 1 (04:32):
I remember the day I learned about Alana. It was
December twenty nineteen, and I was scrolling on my phone
when I came across the news of a girl from Boulder, Colorado,
who wanted to become a nun, was told to keep
a secret, and who died at the age of twenty four,
with her entire life ahead.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
Of her breaking from overnight.
Speaker 4 (04:51):
Louisville police are searching for a missing twenty four year
old woman.
Speaker 6 (04:55):
I never SAIDs Adde Guahardo sat down with her family
and Addie.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
They tell you they believe conversion therapy played a role.
Speaker 4 (05:01):
Yes, the mother says her daughter first opened up to
a priest at her church when she was just fourteen
years old.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
However, the church denies any conversion therapy was done. I froze,
my blood went cold, and it felt like time stopped.
You See, I recognized the kind of religious community that
Alana was a part of, the kind of counsel and
therapy she allegedly received that promised to convert her sexuality,
(05:27):
even the way the church responded. I recognized these things because,
even though I'm a decade older than her, Alana's story
sounded strikingly similar to mine. I went on Facebook and
started searching. I found Alana's mother, who had just posted
about how Alana had sought a controversial kind of therapy
(05:49):
against her parents' wishes, overcome with I don't know what
I wrote to her, sharing things I never talk about
with anyone, things I've kept secret. I told her about
how I'd always wanted to be a priest when I
grew up, that to me, conversion therapy wasn't a buzzword.
I'd spent my twenties trying to change my sexual orientation
(06:13):
and even sought one of the most acclaimed Catholic therapists
to help me, and I shared how important the church
still was in my life. I had no expectations that
she would get back to me. I just wanted her
to know that maybe someone out there understood. A few
months later, Alana's mother, Joyce, wrote back to me and
(06:36):
we talked on the phone. Her grief was palpable. She
shared memories of Alana and blamed herself for not knowing
earlier or doing more. We stayed in touch like this
over the months, through emails and phone calls. Sometimes she'd
send a single text in the middle of the night
saying I miss her so much. While all of this
(07:04):
might seem like any other tragedy, just another example of
a young life cut too short, I wonder if there's
more to this story. Memories that I thought were behind
me keep flooding back, and my gut tells me there's
more to her death than what's been in the news.
I need to know. How does someone who seemed to
(07:25):
do everything right go from wanting to become a nun
to telling reporters that if there is a God, he
doesn't need me talking to him anymore. This is the
story of a girl caught between earnest faith and the
American culture wars, teenage rebellion and spiritual manipulation, the promise
(07:48):
of purity and the price we pay to belong. And
this is my story of how a girl I never
met would turn my faith my life upside down. From
Tenderfoot TV, I'm simon Kent phone and this is Dear Alana,
(08:12):
Part one. Mom. It's been a year and a half
since I first reached out to Alana's mother, Joyce. She
texted me earlier in the day and we talked about
how great it would be to finally meet up in person.
Having just spent time with my family for my birthday,
(08:35):
I've been thinking about Alana and her family a lot.
Joyce has had a hard time going through alana stuff,
and she mentioned that she wants to write a book
about her one day making a trip out to Bolder.
Maybe I could help her organize Alana's computer and fix
her email, that sort of thing. I glanced down at
my dog, Sophie, who looks up from the couch in
(08:55):
my one bedroom apartment. My box of work stuff still unpacked,
painfully obvious. I have nothing tethering me here, so I
book a flight to Colorado. As I pick up my
(09:17):
rental car and drive towards Boulder, I'm struck by how
flat and wide this part of Colorado is compared to
San Francisco. Everything feels spread out, just passed by a
tattoo and art gallery. In between each city are stretches
of cornfields and ranchland and dominoes and nail salons. But
the sky is everywhere. The sky and the mountains are everywhere.
(09:43):
As I pull up into the parking lot of our
apartment complex, I can't believe I'm finally going to meet
this woman who I've been texting and talking with for
so long. Joyce, a dark haired woman, calls to me
from the second floor. She comes down to let me in.
Speaker 7 (10:00):
Oh, I can't believe.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
I can't believe either. This is so surreal.
Speaker 4 (10:06):
You look great.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
You look great.
Speaker 7 (10:09):
I know it's little makeup, can do some.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Joyce is tall and striking in person, with a dark
olive complexion and a wide smile. She's sixty and has
this disarming yoga mom energy. She lives alone on the
outskirts of Boulder, having gotten divorced, about eight months ago,
while Alana's father, Mike kept the house. The kids have
all moved away, and Joyce and Mike share custody of
(10:34):
their two dogs, who are with her this week. Her
small apartment is full of light and tastefully decorated with
white furniture. Beautiful, look at how the time's play sauce.
Speaker 7 (10:47):
Yeah, I have a lot of ha hona in here.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
She eagerly shows me around it really well.
Speaker 7 (10:54):
That's her picture from her birthday.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Along the walls of the entrance is one of the
last photos of Alana, had tilted and holding two packages
in her hands. I recognize this photo from the missing
person's police report.
Speaker 7 (11:06):
That was right two months before she passed.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
She was so happy. Yeah, and then but what were
the gifts that she's holding.
Speaker 7 (11:16):
Oh, some of my friends they got her hiking socks
because she loved to go hiking and climbing. Oh yeah,
And then it's funny these shoes. She was also like outdoorsy.
But then she'd do fashion like she'd pick something like that,
and I'd be like, I'd never wear.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
Something like that.
Speaker 7 (11:33):
But we went to the monastery for that retreat that
was October, and there's a thrift shop. So she picked
those out and some cold pants and that's the art.
She did that in high school.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
No way, We're standing in front of an impressive canvas
of pink and crimson flowers, stained glass.
Speaker 7 (11:52):
You know what it looks like, stained glass. Everybody says
that she made it out of pieces of magazine.
Speaker 3 (11:58):
It's crazy.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
She's got a great eye.
Speaker 7 (12:02):
Yeah, she was so artistic finally before, like she finally
said I'm gonna I'm gonna be an artist. I'm like, yeah,
that's what you already are. But I have so I'll
show you, but take it any ice water or silsa water.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
Alana was born in October of nineteen ninety five, the
third of four children. Compared to her routier siblings, Alana
was the shy, sensitive, empathetic kid.
Speaker 8 (12:34):
I feel like she had this quiet, but really funny
sense of humor.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
This is Carissa, Alana's older sister, two years apart. The
more I learn about Alana, the more this picture of
a quiet, bright goofball emerges.
Speaker 8 (12:49):
Like She'll tell you these stories and you're just like,
what on earth you dislocated your shoulder and then put
it back in place on her own.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
She remembers the first time she tried to throw a
party while her parents.
Speaker 8 (12:59):
Were away, and she was like, why are you cleaning
so much? I was like, oh, I just want to
have a clean house. So mom and dad are gone
for the weekend.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Alana quickly caught on after seeing the bags of alcohol
in Carissa's bedroom.
Speaker 8 (13:11):
And then she texted me a few hours later and
she was like, I know you're having a party tonight.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
Don't lie to me.
Speaker 8 (13:19):
I don't care, but don't let anyone sleep in my room.
And I was like, okay, fair.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Carissa threw the party, all was well.
Speaker 8 (13:27):
A whole year passes by and she decides to tell
my mom because she can't hold it in any longer.
And my mom was like, you're grounded. I was like,
for what, She's like, one year ago you had a
party and so Anna told me about it, and I
was just like, Ahna, are you kidding me? And my
(13:47):
mom was so upset. She was like, you made your
sister keep that from me all this time. I was like,
wh I didn't realize it was bothering her so much,
Like that was annoying to me.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Back at the apartment, Joyce is going through some family photos.
Speaker 7 (14:06):
So let's mix. Mother, he's full Chinese. He was born
in the US in New York, and your background is
my mom. Her parents were Puerto Rican and then my
dad was born in Brooklyn, but his parents were Italian.
Oh cool, Yeah, so it's quite a mix.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
She continues the tour.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
Little altar.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
She shows me piles of mementos she's assembled into makeshift altars,
a bunch of objects grouped around a photo of Alana.
Speaker 7 (14:35):
Yeah, and this was in her room. She r really
loved Saint Trez and she got me this in Rwanda.
Speaker 3 (14:43):
Mmm, that's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
Yeahving She picks up a bible that belonged to her
father and points to a bronze medallion with the Serenity
prayer etched in it.
Speaker 7 (14:54):
And you had this, which was crazy cause it's from
ellen On And I was like, God, did he got own?
It was just because my crime, my mom was making
them crazy.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Joyce is really open about her alcoholism and recovery. In fact,
it's alcoholics Anonymous that sets into motion her search for
a spiritual home for her family.
Speaker 7 (15:15):
When I got sober, I was twenty eight and I
was in Boulder, and I wouldn't go to church. And
my mom would call me. At twenty eight, we were
a church Sunday and I was like, no, AA is
my church. And I just felt that way.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
As her kids got a little older, she started to
change her mind.
Speaker 7 (15:32):
I remember when Sammy was at the age of communion.
Then I just felt like I want them to have
that because when I was in AA, I used to
say my higher power is Jesus. I just felt like, God,
we all need something, you know, prayer, life, something like that.
But that brought me back to the church, which was
a struggle.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
She ended up church shopping, first joining a gospel choir
at a Presbyterian church, which exposed her to different denominations,
and eventually landing at Sad Heart of Mary, a Catholic
church in Boulder.
Speaker 7 (16:03):
So one day after church, because I, you know, I
could tell they weren't into into it, the college students
came up and made announcement at the pulpit about this
camp and they were they seemed funny, they seemed like
college students, really cool.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
Joyce thought this would be a great opportunity to get
her kids interested in God.
Speaker 7 (16:22):
So I asked them and they were like no, no, no,
like no way, We're going that camp, and then all
of a sudden, I don't have the college students heard
us talking, but all of a sudden one of them
came over and she was for the sweetest one and
seeing the nicest and not weird, and she was just like, oh,
come on, guys, you know you could just try. It's
gonna be so much fun. And she actually got on
her knees. It was a little weird, and she was like,
(16:44):
come on, come on, come, and you know they're so
good and sweet. They were like, okay, well try one.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
The kids ended up going to the first day of camp,
and they came back that night really excited.
Speaker 7 (16:57):
Alana and Chrisa were sitting at the table, the kitchen table,
and they were like, mom, it was so good. It
was so good. And their tears were rolling down their
face and I was like, why are you crying, and
they were saying, well, we were hearing stories, you know,
like it was just about someone was rape, some serious stuff.
I thought for their age. And then but they found
God and they loved Jesus so much and they're so
(17:17):
happy and they overcame this and I, you know, I
remember thinking, well, I hear people speak in twelve step
programs and it's very moving. You always get to the
end where it's like wow, great, And so I was
a little concerned and I asked a little bit more questions,
and then I just they were just like, we loved it.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
They finished the rest of the week at camp, and
that's when Joyce remembers a change in Alana, who's thirteen
at the time.
Speaker 7 (17:43):
The very next Sunday in Mass in the same church,
Alana was on the edge of the pew and she
was sitting up and she had her hands in prayer,
and she was like focused night and day, like doing
everything perfectly that you need to do in the Mass.
And then I remember it asking her because she was
even more devout, and I said, what are you doing?
(18:05):
She goes, well, we learned what to do in between
these things that the regular people do during Mass.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Most run of the mill Catholics are barely following along
and probably spacing out. But the really devout ones, the
ones in the know, know, for example, that after the
priest has handed out communion, that's the time to be
in quiet reflection and give thanks for having received the
Body of Christ.
Speaker 7 (18:31):
I mean, I just was shocked. I was shocked, but.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
I was like, wow, this marks the beginning of Alana's
deepening interest in Catholicism. Yeah, we're in Joyce's walk in
closet and rummaging through a box of Alana's keepsakes.
Speaker 7 (18:50):
She wrote this, she's really, really, really super religious. When
she wrote so this is twenty fifteen, she wrote, raise
a glad cry, you barren and who never bore a child,
break forth in jubilant song, you who have never been
in labor. For more numerous are the children of the
(19:10):
deserted wife than the children of her who has a husband,
says the Lord. Is this from the Bible? Yeah, do
not fear. You shall not be put to shame for
the shame of your youth. You shall forget the reproach
of your widowhood no longer.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Remember, as we poke around the closet, I look up
and spot two large piles of spiral notebooks. Are those
all the diaries?
Speaker 5 (19:37):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (19:37):
The world it was she had so many of these,
like notebooks and notebooks and notebooks.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
Over the last two years, Joyce has been telling me
about Alana's journals. She found nearly two dozen of them
in Alana's bedroom, and she's eager to show them to
me and hopes that I might have some insight. I
help Joyce carry them off the shelf.
Speaker 7 (19:58):
Ugh, this is twenty fifteen, Simon, what age would.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
You have since you have been nineteen? Yeah? What was
anything interesting there?
Speaker 6 (20:07):
Well?
Speaker 7 (20:08):
First, she's writing, this is how firm a foundation? How
firm a foundation, you say to the Lord is laid
for your faith in his excellent word.
Speaker 3 (20:18):
It looks like it's a song.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
That's a found you says.
Speaker 7 (20:30):
And then she writes maybe she wrote a poem, or
is this a hymn too? I will come to you
in the silence, I will lift you from all your fear.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
I think it's hymn.
Speaker 7 (20:45):
And then she writes, Jesus, you keep answering my prayers. Yeah,
save me from the sin of a pusori apostasy.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
That's a medieval term meaning abandoning the faith.
Speaker 7 (20:58):
Teach me, please, teach me to angelized, to proclaim to
live the faith in love, to speak of you at
home and abroad. Amen.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
I've written these same prayers in my journals, and in
reading Alana's words, I feel a little less alone. I
don't know anyone else who as a teen was this
focused on God. Joyce tells me that Alana also stood
out for her religiosity. She was known around town as
the Saint, and not just because of her prayers.
Speaker 7 (21:30):
Oh my god, what this is a letter from Shorty.
Shorty was an alcoholic that Elana met under the bridge
in balder and would read the Bible to her. Shorty
lost her children. She was like the worst drunk I
met her, and Alana got her into this program to
get sober and Surety says, Hi, Alana, how are you doing.
(21:52):
I pray you're doing well and in good spirits. I
know the last letter you wrote you were having kind
of a crummy time. I don't know if I told
you that I moved last week. Now I've obtained permanent housing.
That's a chance in a lifetime thing. So I have
my very own apartment and it's brand new and never
been lived in it. I am stoked.
Speaker 9 (22:13):
She was keeping in touch.
Speaker 7 (22:16):
Wow, this is the.
Speaker 9 (22:17):
Kind of stuff she did.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
We find a few other letters like this, including one
from an inmate whu Alana evidently visited in jail. And
you can tell from these letters that Alana wasn't just
some drop in do gooder. She really had a relationship
with these people.
Speaker 9 (22:33):
She was always like helping these people.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
As we paged through her journals, we find plenty of
entries showing a young girl's enthusiasm for her faith, transcriptions
of prayers, and Novena's little to do lists. Clean the car,
call in, go to the bank, plan for the Rwanda trip,
Read Evangeli Gaudium, the book by the Pope.
Speaker 7 (22:54):
Talking ticket, practice Hebrew.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
And then we come across something different, and look.
Speaker 7 (23:01):
At this, she writes. Not good enough, not good example
for kids, shy, never say the right thing, Useless, dry,
free loader, not a good Catholic, ugly, not important, stupid, annoying, distracted,
God gave up on me. Blame careless, nothing to say
(23:21):
God for everything. Bad daughter, don't show appreciation and patient, cocky, silent,
never defending God. Outcasts, can't talk to Father, deep because failure.
Only think of myself. Not a good friend, not a
team player, mean, too joy, angry, jealous, will never love enough,
(23:46):
self conscious, never live up to the Saints, confused to
tempt it, not pure. All I care about is Frisbee.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
She turns the page.
Speaker 7 (23:57):
God, I love you. Take all this crap, remove it,
overcome it, Teach me your ways, Love me carry me.
I keep trying to leave you, but I want you.
I want to live for you. I don't want anything
between you and me. Amen love alone.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Oh this is crazy, Simon, all this weight that Alana
carried on her own without anyone knowing. She's so hard
on herself. And I wonder if Joyce ever noticed this.
When Alana was a kid. Was she always trying to
be perfect?
Speaker 3 (24:31):
Even as like a little kid.
Speaker 7 (24:32):
Any thing she said wanted that. She was always trying
to be perfect. And she knew that we liked math
and science, and she got the best grades to keep
us happy, and she didn't want to I got to fight,
so she would just never do anything.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
To get trouble. Joyce looks at me and narrows her eyes.
Speaker 9 (24:52):
You feel like I need to make it a sandwich?
Speaker 3 (25:00):
Anything?
Speaker 9 (25:01):
Is that?
Speaker 1 (25:01):
Just like a Even with all that's going on, she
manages to be unintentionally funny.
Speaker 7 (25:18):
This was I was telling you about this that I
found this on her keyboard. It would just like kind
of showed up and.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
I'm in Joyce's apartment and she holds up a folded
letter with Alana's own curly handwriting.
Speaker 7 (25:32):
Do you, dear Alana, you are just a little girl.
But you really don't like yourself. What if I told
you that I love who you are. I love you
how you are and how you will be tomorrow. You
have beautiful hair and a beautiful face, and your family
would miss.
Speaker 6 (25:51):
You if you were gone.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
She takes a breath.
Speaker 7 (25:55):
Dear Alana, I don't know what to say. I don't no,
I don't know what drove you to.
Speaker 6 (26:06):
Hurt yourself so badly. You were all alone? Why were
you all alone? I know you don't understand how you
can be loved or redeemed. I wish you could see
that the people that love you, the people that matter,
they don't hold you to those standards. They don't see
(26:26):
you as defiled. They don't see you as someone that
needs to be fixed or different than who you are.
The people that love you are still with you. Those
other people that left, that walked away, that couldn't follow you,
they couldn't handle your light, they couldn't handle the shock,
the surprise. They were too weak to see you for
(26:48):
who you really are. But your mother, your real mother,
and your real father, and your brother and sisters, they
have walked with you. They see you, and now I
see you, and I love you so much. So I
read this with the memorial and like it was really
(27:09):
hard to But I don't know, like if she wrote
this the night before, I don't know, another time maybe,
But it's so beautiful but so sod.
Speaker 3 (27:22):
As.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
I imagine Alana writing this letter to herself. My heart breaks.
But that's not the only emotion I'm feeling. I'm feeling
something stirring inside of me, a combination of fear and dread.
Maybe it's because everything Joyce is reading to me feels
so eerily familiar. I remember my earnest zeal, my spiritual rumination,
(27:48):
my feeling of being abandoned, and if I'm honest, it's
all stuff I'm still working through and I can't help
but wonder why I'm here and Alana's not. On Monday,
December ninth, twenty nineteen, Alana Chen died by suicide. You
(28:17):
may not understand how a young person so deeply in
love with God would want to take their own life,
but I do. I've been to that dark place where
the light seems so far away at the end of
a long day. Joyce is sitting across from me on
(28:40):
the floor, and there are papers everywhere. The giant tupperware
box looks like it's exploded.
Speaker 3 (28:46):
Open.
Speaker 7 (28:47):
Organize this, lady. Yeah, I'm never gonna you will.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
I can, all right, let's put this away.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
It'll be here.
Speaker 7 (29:01):
She's never going to write this.
Speaker 9 (29:07):
Because I want to just stand half of it, oppen.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
I can feel Joyce's desperation, and I feel like I
already have so much to tell her about my own
life and how it might relate to Alana's. But am
I ready to go there? And what does this say
about a church I still know and love. I look
at Joyce surrounded by the notebooks, artwork, and photographs, her
(29:53):
daughter's life laid out on the hardwood floor, and then
I feel something else. It's a feeling of conviction. I
have to help her understand what happened to Alana.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
I will follow you, follow you wherever you might go.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
Next time on Dear Olana, Today, twenty two young women
will begin their journey toward becoming a nun. How Alana's
decision to become a nun is solidified when a controversial
priest offers her spiritual direction.
Speaker 3 (30:37):
I will follow you ever since you touched my hand.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (30:47):
Dear Alana was created hosted and written by me Simon
kentfang And is a production of Tenderfoot TV in association
with a Slept Audio and the Center for Independent Documentary.
It was produced by Laurie Puliski, who also composed the music.
Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay. Our
supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional music by Makeup
(31:10):
and Vanity. Set sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our credit song,
I Will Follow You is by to Loose. Show notes
and resources can be found on our website Diarlana dot com.
If you enjoyed this episode, please take time to follow
the show, rate and review.
Speaker 3 (31:27):
There is no Suti monton so high keep me away
away from the long.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
Coming up this season.
Speaker 7 (31:54):
I didn't want her to see him, and then she
was sneaking on the phone, and then like I'm here.
I am the mother who's bidding my daughter to see
a priest and to become a nun. And it was
what she wanted. It made her happy, but I didn't
know what since she confessed, I didn't know she was
attracted to girls. No, she didn't tell me. She told him.
She confessed to him.
Speaker 4 (32:16):
We believe that homosexuality is a symptom of early childhood trauma.
We get the client to address those traumas and they
will just experience a diminishment in their same sex attraction.
Speaker 8 (32:28):
It was like a big deal at the ten that
she was going on this date and he picked her up,
and like we had all met him. He's super nice,
he's handsome.
Speaker 3 (32:37):
She brought me upstairs and so I don't know, what
is that?
Speaker 1 (32:41):
Did you do this to yourself?
Speaker 3 (32:43):
I was like, what did you do?
Speaker 1 (32:49):
Dear Alana is an eight part series released weekly. If
you can't wait until next week, subscribe to tenderfoot Plus
so you can binge the entire series right now, ad free.
Head to Apple Podcasts or tenorfoot plus dot com to
subscribe now.
Speaker 3 (33:06):
MHM
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