August 21, 2023 • 38 mins
With access to her 20 journals, Simon discovers Alana’s devotion and obsession with sin, Father Dave’s encroaching influence, and the secret she’s asked to keep.
This episode contains references to suicide. If you or someone you know is in need of help, please contact the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988. Listener discretion is advised.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Dear Alana is released weekly and brought to you absolutely free.
But if you want to binge the whole season right now,
subscribe to tenderfoot Plus at tenderfootplus dot com or on
Apple Podcasts. You also get exclusive bonus episodes throughout the season.
For more information, check out the show notes enjoy the episode.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or
someone you know is in need of help, please contact
the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine eight eight.
Listener discretion is advised.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
I was wearing black Sophie shorts and a great T shirt.
I took the bus to see him. We sat in
his office. I felt uncomfortable with my short shorts and
bare legs. He didn't say anything, though he was covered
in black glasses, haircut close to the skull. He was young,
and funny and passionate. He noticed me, He knew me.
(01:05):
He knew I loved God. He forgave my unspeakable sin.
He took my defilement and buried it.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
He kept my secret. It's Wednesday night, and I'm happy
to be back home in San Francisco. I'm sitting at
the back of my local parish for an evening prayer service.
(01:42):
The church is lit by candle light, and I'm struck
by how beautiful it is. Whenever I'm here, I feel
like I can just slept my thoughts room free. Tonight,
they'll be playing music written by a group of monks
from a small town in eastern France. Somehow these men
ran away from it all and wrote the melancholic melodies
(02:05):
we're hearing this evening. I'm thinking about my last conversation
(02:33):
with Joyce, and I'm eager to get back to Colorado
in order to go through Alana's journals for myself. But
a part of me is uneasy. How many of us
keep diaries in journals of our deepest thoughts and feelings,
where we confide our insecurities, our secrets, and our dreams.
In our journals, we get to be totally unfiltered because
(02:55):
it helps us process things, and because we don't expect
anyone to ever read them. But what does it mean
if someone gains access to them when we're gone, before
we've had a chance to give them permission to do so.
That's the dilemma I'm weighing this evening as I stare
at the flickering candles. I recall a paragraph that I
had happened upon as we were flipping through Alana's journals
(03:17):
in Joyce's kitchen. It's a nondescript line, barely noticeable, but
it's stuck with me. Alana says, it's hard to write
just for me.
Speaker 3 (03:28):
I just want to write down my life in a
small journal, tucked away somewhere in this world. I want
to be in this world. I want to be a
part of this world. I feel invisible all my life.
I've been hiding away, waiting for someone to find me.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Maybe she tucked her journals away waiting for someone to
find them. Maybe that someone was me from Tenderfoot TV.
I'm Simon kent Fung and this is Dear Alana, Part three,
My Secret. Alanna left behind twenty journals, and with Joyce's permission,
(04:14):
I digitally scanned every page, even the ones that had
only a few lines on them. In total, nearly twelve
hundred pages. It's worth noting that in some journals, Alana
ripped out pages, and we may never know why. It
felt important to give her journals a voice, so we
found a voice actress coincidentally also named Ilana to help
(04:35):
us with that, and you'll hear her voice throughout the series.
As I begin reading her journals, I can see right
away that Alana keeps really detailed notes. She likes to
track things on timelines and lists. In one journal, she
breaks her life out into big chapters titled California where
she was.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
Born Born October nineteen ninety five. Separation, anxiety, mom and
dad fighting middle school. Moved to Colorado in two thousand.
Dad called me too sensitive, a baby, wild imagination, extreme
fear of monsters, can't sleep elementary school, extremely shy, joined
(05:15):
all my friends for me. Perfectionist in school, perfectionist in
art in high school, conversion, decided to follow Jesus forever.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
She's very matter of fact, with bullet points under each chapter.
This timeline makes it quite easy for me to cross
reference things I'll find later on. A lot of her
journals contain what we've come to expect from Alana. Prayers,
so many prayers, and lists of people she's remembering to pray.
Speaker 3 (05:42):
For, like pray for Alexis, Aaron Newhaud, Katie Ashley, the
girl in the Station on the way home from Texas,
the girl in the Albertson parking lot and her grandkids.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
There are frisbee plays and arguments with Mom consultant Mom.
And as I continue reading, what leaps out to me
the most is just how into God she is. Where
you'd expect to find high school gossip and crushes, Alana
Gush is with that same energy, but for God, Lord.
Speaker 3 (06:13):
I love that you're leading me. I love that you
asked me here on a date. I love that you
desire a greater intimacy with me. I desire it too.
I think someday we will be married. Soon. All that
I am will be one hundred percent yours. Lead me
forever closer to your sacred heart. I love you.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Wow, A date with God that's intense. We get a
little more in the next paragraph, like a follow up text.
Speaker 3 (06:42):
Dear God, I want to write you a little ditty
note because I'm so tired and distracted. Our date was
for me a very delirious thing. I love you. Since
you'll be in here all day, I'll call you often.
Pray with me that I may not fear and grant
that I may have of interior silence. The days are
(07:02):
so busy. Let it help and not hinder me from
an intimate relationship with you. Have a good day, save
me a seat at Mass. Love your girl, Alana.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
I'm sure by now you've picked up that Alana's experience
of Catholicism is a little out of the ordinary. Most
Catholics get the basics of their faith from their parents
or Catholic school, then fade out from the church or
maybe show up once in a while at Christmas or Easter.
They don't sneak out during the week to go to
Mass or write passionate love letters to God. Alana uses
(07:37):
phrases like jumping into the ocean of the Father's love
and grant that I may have interior silence. These are
spiritual concepts that are lifted right out of the mystical
writings of seventeenth century European saints, people who had uniquely
powerful experiences of God, who are speaking of their era.
Gen Z Millennials don't talk like that, no matter how
(07:59):
much they're in love. It's a sunny afternoon and I'm
back in Louisville, Colorado, the town where Alana grew up.
I'm walking the downtown strip and finally make it to
my destination, the local ice cream shop, Sweet Cow, where
Alana used to work today. In memory of Alana's birthday,
(08:21):
they're giving a proceed of all purchases to support mental
health resources. Joyce is sitting outside with some of her friends.
They're exchanging stories about Alana. I get a cup of
chocolate oatmeal stout and sit down to join them. As
(08:45):
they reminisce about Alana. The conversation starts to move from
nostalgia to anger.
Speaker 4 (08:54):
Religion.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
There's a sense that the church, which was somehow responsible,
that its influence on Alana was a big part of
why she took her life. I can understand if it's
friends and family reckoning with their grief and looking for closure,
and the church can be an easy target. But what
exactly happened in the church, something that Alana clearly loved
(09:19):
that could lead to such a terrible outcome.
Speaker 5 (09:22):
Well, she left all her journals, but that there's something
that was there.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Yeah, like Joyce's friends, I'm wondering if her journals might
offer some clues. As I leave the ice cream shop,
I'm starting to feel the weight of responsibility I have
on my shoulders. With Alana's writings, It's time to get
back into them.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
Only one thing is important, eternal salvation only one thing, therefore,
is to be feared sin.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
Like Alana, I didn't grow up in a particularly devout family,
but I still had a very intuitive sense of right
and wrong as a child. I once felt so guilty
for taking the sewing kit from my mom's drawer to
play with it in my bedroom that I ran crying
to her the next day, begging her to forgive me
for stealing. Alana, it seems, was just as careful. There
(10:24):
are literally dozens of pages where she writes out her sins.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
Jealous of others, lied about daylight savings, lied to parents
about going to mass, let ultimate keep me from the Lord.
Used to be pro choice and for gay marriage, kissophone
in the cheek without realizing the damage, Facebook, stalking, insecure,
especially in middle school, Obsessed with how I looked, ungrateful
(10:50):
for the gifts God had given me, face hair, want
it to be somebody else.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
To be clear, a lot of these are not sins,
but Alana think they are.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
I feel bad I just opened the bathroom door on someone.
I'm sorry, Please forgive me.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
It can be hard being a young person navigating these rules,
trying to gauge how bad it was that you took
the owing kit or accidentally opened to the bathroom door.
As I got older, I learned that there was an
intricate system to sin, and I found myself gravitating to
obscure documents and websites which laid out all the rules.
It was like a secret code. For example, did you
(11:29):
know that you have to be at least seven years
old what the church calls the age of reason in
order to sin. Sins not only break the order of
the universe, but also hurt God like personally. Thankfully, there's
a way out. If you've committed sins, especially serious intentional
ones what Catholics call mortal sins, you can be forgiven
(11:51):
by going to confession.
Speaker 5 (11:53):
So she was always in confession.
Speaker 4 (11:56):
Did she go to confession like every week? Every week?
Speaker 5 (11:59):
And I should go up and have her arms cress
and I mean she she was the perfect Catholic. And
I was like, what do you She was I didn't
go to confession this week? And I said, Alana, you
don't have to go every week. Why do you think
you have to go every week? And she just said
I have to and like that was that was younger,
(12:19):
But I couldn't believe it. I just started. All I
thought was, Wow, she's really really conservative Catholic. This is
over the top.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Confession is a sacred space. Nothing said there is allowed
to leave it, and because of that, it's where you
can share your most private details. Go ahead in the
name of the Father and of the Son and of
the Holy Spirit. Amen, buss me, Father, for ive sinned.
(12:50):
It's been about a month since my lost confession. Am
I most about I'd go every week, though the recommendation
is to go once a month. These are my sins.
I yelled at my dad last weekend. We got in
a fight and I said some really nasty things to him.
(13:10):
I spoke behind one of my coworker's backs. I had
impure and lostiful thoughts. Especially. There are plenty of confession
guides that help you structure your conversation here, but essentially,
you go through your list of sins and mention how
frequently they occurred since your last confession, and you've got
to confess the mortal ones.
Speaker 6 (13:29):
This is key, very good, So tell me what the
fight was about.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
The priest might then probe a bit into what you
just confessed, give you a bit of informal counseling and advice.
Like maybe you should talk to someone about your addiction
or see a therapist about your anger.
Speaker 6 (13:45):
Very well, for your penance, say ten our Fathers and
three Hail Mary's, and now please make your active contrition.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Oh my God, I'm truly sorry for all my sins
with all my heart. So if you've done all of
this and are truly honest to God's so for your sins,
then when the priest responds with his prayer.
Speaker 6 (14:04):
And I absolve you from your sins in the name
of the Father and of the Son and of the
Holy Spirit, Amen.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Then your sins are forgiven. You're back in the fold,
back to being in a state of grace. For a
lot of people, confession is kind of therapeutic, like you've
unloaded these burdens and now you're starting from a clean slate.
But for me, I remember stressing out about making sure
I did everything right, making sure I kept careful inventory
(14:33):
of all my sins, making sure I was sorry with
all my heart, sometimes even going back to make a
second confession if there was any doubt. And I can
see how it might have been the same for Alana.
She writes about how she's often anxious at mass.
Speaker 3 (14:48):
Dear Lord, Jesus, I want true and tear your freedom
in order to serve, praise and love you. But sometimes
I have so much anxiety. Can I be free in
the midst of and why during mass? My desires have
been so impure that I still feel ashamed? Am I
(15:08):
not yet free?
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Alana's commitment to confession was felt by her siblings. Here's
her sister Carissa again.
Speaker 6 (15:17):
She would text me like, hey, you want to hang out,
like we haven't seen each other. I'm like, okay, let's
get one. She was like, oh, I was actually thinking
we could go to confession.
Speaker 7 (15:24):
I'm just like, no, that's like not my form of
spending time with my sister.
Speaker 6 (15:29):
Like this feels like a trap.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
And here's her younger sister.
Speaker 7 (15:32):
I know, I was in middle school when I started
getting pushed to go to confession by my sister, and
I thought I had a similar interest because I wanted
to be like my sister. And I remember going and
like reading this card saying like all the lists of
possible sins you could confess, and masturbation was like staring
(15:55):
at me. I was yelling, and I thought it was
like the most taboo thing ever. I mean, I don't
care anymore. But when you're young, it's it's weird you
don't talk about it, especially as a woman. I was like,
oh my gosh, I have to tell this priest this
because God knows I'm doing it, so I'm like, he
must know. So I remember doing that, and thirteen year
(16:19):
old means just doing my hail Mary's at home. But
it was very shameful.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
When I was in seventh grade, my mom made us
go to confession. As I was reading the pamphlet, I
saw that word that I learned to hate, that thing
that I thought I invented. Well, now that I was
past age seven, the age of reason, I was culpable
for my sins.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Alana's reaction to masturbation was different than her sister's. Where
Sophia eventually stopped caring about confessing this, Alana doubled down
on it, doing the calculus to measure her culpability all
over her journals. Alana obsesses over this subject.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
At one point in my childhood, I tried to achieve
an orgasm for masturbating my armpit. I thought maybe it
was just touching my private parts that was bad, and
maybe if I could make myself feel good in touching
a holier, more innocent part of my body that it
wouldn't be a sin. It obviously didn't work. Even before
I knew it was a sin, I was ashamed of
(17:19):
what I was doing since before I can remember. When
I found out it was a sin, I doubled my
efforts to try to stop. I counted the days I
could go without doing it. Dear Jesus, I have a
lot of problems. I think I have a boy's mind,
very dirty. I don't know why, but I'm sorry for
(17:41):
preferring weird things over you. It's kind of funny, not really,
but Father Deed told me not to take myself so seriously.
So yeah, but he's right. I just want to praise
you and forget about me. You are so good and
I love you. You have the power to make me clean,
(18:03):
give me a clean mind. I love you. Okay, Now,
I will pray for purity.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
As a teenager, when I learned that masturbation was a
mortal sin, also in a pamphlet. These pamphlets seem to
have gotten a lot of traction. I became fixated with
not doing it. Every time i'd feel the urge, I
think about how much i'd be hurting God. And it
wasn't just fear of hurting him that stopped me from
doing it. I learned about really compelling theological and philosophical
(18:40):
reasons for why masturbation was wrong. Through some combination of determination, fear,
and perfectionism, I managed to stop masturbating for and I'm
not kidding, over a decade. But I attributed it to
God's grace.
Speaker 3 (18:56):
Summer two thousand and nine, I was super depressed, but
then a miracle happened. I was able to give up
masturbation at age thirteen till I was twenty. The abstinence
lasted seven years.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
It looks like Ilana had an almost identical experience. She
credits her stopping masturbation to a miracle a sign of
God's closeness. And it's not just with masturbation that she's
so strict with herself. Here's an ambitious list of what
she's giving up for land.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
Twenty four hour fast, one peanut butter sandwich, no dessert,
only water, no straightening hair, no popping zits. Cold shower Wednesday,
lukewarm showers other days, hot shower Sunday. One blanket, no pillow,
no texting in class unless emergency, no YouTube, invite Christida
(19:51):
Mass every Saturday night.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
And in another entry, I.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
Commit to becoming a disciple of the Lamb. This means
participating in monthly meetings with my spiritual director, making a
monthly tithe, and two periods of mental prayer each day.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Her spiritual director, father David Nicks. Mentions of him are
becoming so frequent that it's impossible to ignore.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
Things to tell Father Dave about come and see pink blanket,
lack discipline, with mortification, temptations, desires.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
Father Dave, as you might remember from Milana's earlier writing,
is her priest and spiritual director. They meet regularly, and
Alana even goes on a student missionary trip he organizes
to Rwanda. In her timeline under a heading titled Father Dave,
Alana bullets out, sneak out to meet him, didn't tell parents,
first person to really tell about family life. Spiritual directors,
(20:48):
and I've had a few, are usually priests who serve
as spiritual guides or coaches. You confess to them and
they give you advice, homework and reading material to help
you on your spiritual journey. Again, these are bonus level
Catholic practices. Most Catholics don't have spiritual directors, but Alana
seems to be relating to him, almost like a therapist.
(21:10):
Father Dave is from Denver, graduated pre med became a paramedic,
and then a campus missionary before entering the seminary and
getting ordained as a priest at the age of thirty one.
His first job out of the gate happens to be
at Saint Thom's Alana's church.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
You sent me, Father Dave to help me out of
my dispar at camp. He was the first person I
told my temptations to, and through him, I've felt your
endless compassion.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
First person I told my temptations to. I can guess
what she's talking about, but I'm not totally sure. And
then I find several entries about a friend.
Speaker 3 (21:48):
I don't really remember how it started, but somewhere along
the line during sophomore year, we became great friends. Then
something began to stir deep beneath the surface. It was
to me, but I didn't know what it was or
what was happening. During these times, I always convinced myself
we were just friends, but some days I imagined us
(22:11):
holding hands or sharing a first kiss.
Speaker 7 (22:14):
In her car.
Speaker 3 (22:16):
At this point I wanted to tell her how I felt,
but it was trapped within me. Father Dave said I
should love her more, not less, and pray for her.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
It seems like Alana is sharing a lot with Father Dave,
including her budding feelings for a friend another girl. Could
these be the temptations she's talking about. I'm looking through
(22:51):
Alana's emails after she passed. Her brother was able to
get into her laptop and preserve access to her files
and accounts. As I go through her inbox, I'm amused
at how catholic it is. Updates from Saint Tom's heartfelt
conversations with nuns, newsletters from an anti porn group, and
many emails with Father Dave. Olana reminds him to share
(23:13):
with her the writings of Saint John of the Cross,
the medieval mystic, which she does. So it looks like
he's been introducing her to the Saints, and since August
of twenty fifteen, she's been subscribed to Father Dave's blog,
where he sends her updates every two to three days,
with posts like this one about confession from April twenty seventeen.
I click on it. The post is devoted entirely to masturbation, hell,
(23:38):
and sexual purity. Father Dave describes how pornography releases real
live demons into your home who have access to your memories,
and how looking at porn is actually a slippery slope
towards becoming a serial killer. There are a lot of
religious groups who've made this connection, similar to what's been
said about violent video games and movies. He goes on
(23:59):
too a li elaborate on how masturbation and oral sex
are mortal sins, worse than pre marital sex. I'm deeply
familiar with these ideas. The sheer fear of demons from
hell was a big reason why I was so compulsively
and mortally afraid of masturbating or having sexual thoughts about anyone.
But I'm baffled by what I read. Next, he writes, quote,
(24:23):
I believe that masturbation is a homosexual act. Many men
might think that they feel manly by looking at pictures
of women and masturbating, but the reality of it is
it's a man's hand that is leading a man to ejaculate.
Masturbation may be one reason why so many straight men
become gay. End quote. I haven't heard this line of
(24:44):
reasoning before, and I can only imagine the impact it
might have had on Ilana, who's clearly taken to heart
so many of these kinds of messages about sin, almost compulsively.
But it brings me back to my own teenage years,
when I was trying to make sense of it all,
my surging hormones, my confusing emotions, my deep desire to
follow God. When I met my spiritual director, I finally
(25:08):
found someone who had answers, clear rules to follow, and
even if I didn't understand everything he said, the way
he said it, with confidence and certainty, like the way
Father Dave writes it, gave me a deep sense of security.
I go back to Alana's timeline.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
High school, Father Dave's surprise, hugs me at adoration, first
person to come out to tells me God loves me
so much.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
At this point, it's not even funny how much Ilana
and I have in common. The first person I ever
felt safe talking about my sexual and romantic feelings too
was also a priest, and like Father Dave, he reacted
similarly by downplaying it, telling me it was going to
be okay. I remember the sense of relief. Everyone struggles
(25:58):
with things he said to me, confessing all this wasn't
really coming out, but more like sharing a temptation alongside
the many other temptations I was working on. His reassurance
gave me a sense of relief, like it was all
a work in progress. But as I keep reading, I
find something I don't expect to come.
Speaker 3 (26:19):
Out to tells me God loves me so much. Says
not to tell parents.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
From Milana's own words, Father Dave told her not to
tell her parents that she was having romantic feelings towards women.
Why would he instruct a minor to keep secrets from
her parents. I talked with Alana's mother, Joyce about this.
She didn't know what secrets were being kept from her,
(26:48):
but she starts to get suspicious about Alana's frequent confessions,
and she eventually discovers that Alana's been meeting with Father
Dave one on one for spiritual direction. So she books
an appointment with Father d Ave directly, and Alana joins her.
Here's how Joyce remembers that meeting.
Speaker 5 (27:05):
I said, I'm very concerned you're in here with my daughter,
a minor. I imagine the door was shut. I don't know.
I have no knowledge of this. I didn't give any consent.
She was fourteen and you're talking to her about being
a nun and she's young, like my daughter needs to
go to high school and go to college. And I
(27:28):
don't know what you're doing, Like why why don't why
don't you ask me? Like this is outrageous.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
What happened next took her by surprise.
Speaker 5 (27:37):
And he just was really smug and right. He was right,
and he went on and on and on. He wound
up saying that I'm not Catholic really, and Alana is
worried about her dad and her siblings. You know, Chris
has a boyfriend and she's too young, And he said,
how come you're letting her have a boyfriend that young?
(27:58):
And then he gives me the chest, and I was
just like I was blown away, Like I almost was
like in shock, like we I came here because what
you're doing and you have just twisted this whole thing
and bashed everyone in my family, including me.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
Things got heated.
Speaker 5 (28:14):
So I remember saying to him, He's like, you're not
really Catholic. I go up Catholic, but I take what
I like and leave the rest. I don't like everything
in the Catholic church, and that is fine. I don't
believe in it. I think it's not of Jesus some
of the things, because well, you're not Catholic. There's no
such thing as a liberal Catholic. You're Catholic or you're
not Catholic. And he started like arguing with me, you know,
(28:35):
and I just remember Alana's head was down. She was like,
you know, scared, she didn't want me to fight or
anything like that.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
And then Alana spoke up and she.
Speaker 5 (28:45):
At one point she was like something like please, mommy,
I want to still see him. And then so then
it turned it all around. Like then it was like
I said something. I felt bad for her, so I
said something like she can, she can talk to you,
but I'm I'm going to be outside way with the
door open. And then I remember, okay. And then every
(29:05):
time I tried to get that to happen, you know,
he texts me a time and I'd say, well, I've
got three kids I'm taking to tap dance and ballet,
I'm a son to basketball. Like it never coordinated, and
he didn't try hard all to make it work.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
As outrageous as Father Dave's behavior might look, I can
totally relate to it. As I learned about my faith
from my spiritual director, I saw it as my holy
obligation to police who was Catholic and who wasn't. People
needed to know the errors of their ways, and if
I didn't say anything, I could be culpable for their sins.
(29:46):
It also makes sense to me now why Father Dave
may have told Ilana not to tell her parents. They
would have accepted her, maybe even encouraged her to pursue
a same sex relationship that would have been going against
church teaching. Three months later, Father Dave is reassigned from
Saint Thom's to another parish in the archdiocese. Joyce is
(30:07):
relieved that he's out of the picture. But for Alana,
who's in tenth grade at the time, she's losing the
only person she feels safe with, the only one who
knows her secret. As I returned to the journals, I
stumble across several drafts of a letter written by Alana.
Speaker 3 (30:26):
Dear Archbishop Aquilla, I would like to express gratitude for
the loving fatherhood of Father David Nicks, who was just
recently asked to leave Saint John the twenty third.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
That's his fourth church assignment in three years.
Speaker 3 (30:39):
I know that in the past he has run into
many difficulties. You have probably heard many complaints and accusations
about him, and not many good things.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
I do not know.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
Why, but I strongly believe that God chose Father Dave
to be an instrument for the salvation of my soul.
I met him when I was fourteen years old, right
as I had dedicated my life to Christ. Dave offered
to be my spiritual father. He taught me to pray,
to read Scripture, to go to Mass and confession. He
(31:08):
was one who told me to volunteer at the Gift
of Mary Shelter. After he left Saint Thom's, he promised
he would always be my spiritual father. He has counseled
me through doubt and temptation. When I was in danger
of leaving the church out of despair, by the grace
of God, Father Dave was there.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
The average church assignment for a Catholic priest is six years,
but Father Dave is averaging a little over a year
per assignment, and his shortest one, according to the records,
lasts less than five months. That doesn't seem right. Alta's
defense of Father Dave in writing to his boss, the
Archbishop makes me realize just how important he was to her,
(31:47):
and yet his frequent reassignments raise a lot of questions.
According to the Catholic News Agency, Father Dave was initially
held back from ordination because of quote psychological issues. Once
he was ordained, it seems he couldn't hold down a job,
and while the reasons for why he was moved around
aren't totally clear, at least one of them, according to
(32:10):
an email he wrote to Alana, involved a spat with
a parishioner in which the police were called. The Archdiocese
of Denver describes how quote, after four failed parish assignments,
it became very difficult to find a pastor who would
receive him end quote. By twenty fourteen, Father Dave was
seeking ministry outside of Denver, including out a Latin mass
(32:31):
community in Virginia, But according to the Archdiocese of Denver,
in each case he was asked by these other dioceses
to return to Denver, and then I stumble across something else.
It's a journal entry that Alana wrote years later, reflecting
on her meetings with Father Dave. It's clear that this
man played a big role in her adolescent life, and
(32:54):
even as a young adult, she's still processing it.
Speaker 3 (32:57):
I took the bus to see him, sat in a office.
I felt uncomfortable with my short shorts and bare legs.
He didn't say anything, though he was covered in black glasses,
hair cut close to the skull. He was young and
funny and passionate. He noticed me.
Speaker 6 (33:15):
He knew me.
Speaker 3 (33:17):
He knew I loved God. He knew I did not
want to marry a man. I was fourteen years old.
I didn't tell my parents where I was going. I
didn't want anyone to know why I loved God so much.
He forgave my unspeakable sin. He took my defilement and
buried it. You ought to pray the Rosary every day. Later,
(33:37):
he said, I'd better pray it five times per day
to keep the temptation away. He wanted me to be holy, unblemished.
He called me a diamond in the rough, the rough
being my family. I came to despise my family. Only
he was holy. I did everything he told me to do.
(34:00):
They cheered. When he said he was leaving.
Speaker 1 (34:03):
I cried. In the wrong hands, A secret can exercise
an enormous amount of control even divide someone from their family.
I flashed back to the relationship I had with my
spiritual director. By college, I was meeting regularly with Father William,
(34:26):
confessing to him and talking to him about my problems,
and like Alana, I had this confusing part of me
that I had never acted out on or told any
of my friends or family about. One day, Father William,
my spiritual director, sat me down. We'd been talking about
me becoming a priest for a while, and I knew
(34:46):
this day would come. He looked me in the eyes, smiled,
and carefully asked me, Simon, are you ready to answer
the Lord's call? Will you join the seminary in September.
My heart was pounding. I wanted to leap up and
say yes. The thought of dedicating my life to serving
God and his people as a priest gave me so
(35:09):
much joy, But I held back that part of me
that could never tell lies. Knew that something had to
be said. There's something I have to tell you, Father William.
What's that? He asked, Well, for as long as I
can remember, I've struggled with some different sexual feelings. His
(35:34):
smile faded. Of what nature? He asked I looked down
of the same sex, I said, trying to avoid any
loaded terms. Father William's face became like a stone wall.
He took out his notebook and his ballpoint pen, wrote
something on it and handed it to me. Take this,
(35:56):
he said. These people will fix you back when you're healed.
Speaker 4 (36:02):
I will follow you, follow you wherever you may go.
Next time.
Speaker 8 (36:11):
On Dear Alana, I believe that homosexuality is linked with
difficulties in the early relationship with the same sex parents.
Speaker 6 (36:24):
We're allowing people to be who they want to be.
We're not imposing.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
We're not forcing people to change.
Speaker 6 (36:31):
We're just exploring.
Speaker 4 (36:35):
I will follow you ever since you touched my head.
Speaker 1 (36:43):
Dear Alana was created, hosted, and written by me Simon
Kentfong and is a production of Tenderfoot TV in association
with a Slapped Audio in the Center for Independent Documentary.
It was produced by Laur Puliski, who also composed the music.
Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay. Our
supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional music by Makeup
(37:07):
and Vanity Set, Sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our voice
actor is Alana Rabor and our credit song I Will
Follow You is Bye to Loose. Show notes and resources
can be found on our website Dearlana dot com. If
you enjoyed this episode, please take time to follow the show,
rate and review.
Speaker 4 (37:25):
There is in notion to d montin so High Keep
Me Away Away from the Long.
Speaker 1 (37:51):
Dear Alana is an eight part series released weekly. If
you can't wait until next week, subscribe to tenderfoot Plus
so you can binge the entire series right now, ad
free head to Apple Podcasts or tenorfoot plus dot com
to subscribe now
Dear Alana is released weekly and brought to you absolutely free.
But if you want to binge the whole season right now,
subscribe to tenderfoot Plus at tenderfootplus dot com or on
Apple Podcasts. You also get exclusive bonus episodes throughout the season.
For more information, check out the show notes enjoy the episode.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or
someone you know is in need of help, please contact
the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine eight eight.
Listener discretion is advised.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
I was wearing black Sophie shorts and a great T shirt.
I took the bus to see him. We sat in
his office. I felt uncomfortable with my short shorts and
bare legs. He didn't say anything, though he was covered
in black glasses, haircut close to the skull. He was young,
and funny and passionate. He noticed me, He knew me.
(01:05):
He knew I loved God. He forgave my unspeakable sin.
He took my defilement and buried it.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
He kept my secret. It's Wednesday night, and I'm happy
to be back home in San Francisco. I'm sitting at
the back of my local parish for an evening prayer service.
(01:42):
The church is lit by candle light, and I'm struck
by how beautiful it is. Whenever I'm here, I feel
like I can just slept my thoughts room free. Tonight,
they'll be playing music written by a group of monks
from a small town in eastern France. Somehow these men
ran away from it all and wrote the melancholic melodies
(02:05):
we're hearing this evening. I'm thinking about my last conversation
(02:33):
with Joyce, and I'm eager to get back to Colorado
in order to go through Alana's journals for myself. But
a part of me is uneasy. How many of us
keep diaries in journals of our deepest thoughts and feelings,
where we confide our insecurities, our secrets, and our dreams.
In our journals, we get to be totally unfiltered because
(02:55):
it helps us process things, and because we don't expect
anyone to ever read them. But what does it mean
if someone gains access to them when we're gone, before
we've had a chance to give them permission to do so.
That's the dilemma I'm weighing this evening as I stare
at the flickering candles. I recall a paragraph that I
had happened upon as we were flipping through Alana's journals
(03:17):
in Joyce's kitchen. It's a nondescript line, barely noticeable, but
it's stuck with me. Alana says, it's hard to write
just for me.
Speaker 3 (03:28):
I just want to write down my life in a
small journal, tucked away somewhere in this world. I want
to be in this world. I want to be a
part of this world. I feel invisible all my life.
I've been hiding away, waiting for someone to find me.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Maybe she tucked her journals away waiting for someone to
find them. Maybe that someone was me from Tenderfoot TV.
I'm Simon kent Fung and this is Dear Alana, Part three,
My Secret. Alanna left behind twenty journals, and with Joyce's permission,
(04:14):
I digitally scanned every page, even the ones that had
only a few lines on them. In total, nearly twelve
hundred pages. It's worth noting that in some journals, Alana
ripped out pages, and we may never know why. It
felt important to give her journals a voice, so we
found a voice actress coincidentally also named Ilana to help
(04:35):
us with that, and you'll hear her voice throughout the series.
As I begin reading her journals, I can see right
away that Alana keeps really detailed notes. She likes to
track things on timelines and lists. In one journal, she
breaks her life out into big chapters titled California where
she was.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
Born Born October nineteen ninety five. Separation, anxiety, mom and
dad fighting middle school. Moved to Colorado in two thousand.
Dad called me too sensitive, a baby, wild imagination, extreme
fear of monsters, can't sleep elementary school, extremely shy, joined
(05:15):
all my friends for me. Perfectionist in school, perfectionist in
art in high school, conversion, decided to follow Jesus forever.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
She's very matter of fact, with bullet points under each chapter.
This timeline makes it quite easy for me to cross
reference things I'll find later on. A lot of her
journals contain what we've come to expect from Alana. Prayers,
so many prayers, and lists of people she's remembering to pray.
Speaker 3 (05:42):
For, like pray for Alexis, Aaron Newhaud, Katie Ashley, the
girl in the Station on the way home from Texas,
the girl in the Albertson parking lot and her grandkids.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
There are frisbee plays and arguments with Mom consultant Mom.
And as I continue reading, what leaps out to me
the most is just how into God she is. Where
you'd expect to find high school gossip and crushes, Alana
Gush is with that same energy, but for God, Lord.
Speaker 3 (06:13):
I love that you're leading me. I love that you
asked me here on a date. I love that you
desire a greater intimacy with me. I desire it too.
I think someday we will be married. Soon. All that
I am will be one hundred percent yours. Lead me
forever closer to your sacred heart. I love you.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Wow, A date with God that's intense. We get a
little more in the next paragraph, like a follow up text.
Speaker 3 (06:42):
Dear God, I want to write you a little ditty
note because I'm so tired and distracted. Our date was
for me a very delirious thing. I love you. Since
you'll be in here all day, I'll call you often.
Pray with me that I may not fear and grant
that I may have of interior silence. The days are
(07:02):
so busy. Let it help and not hinder me from
an intimate relationship with you. Have a good day, save
me a seat at Mass. Love your girl, Alana.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
I'm sure by now you've picked up that Alana's experience
of Catholicism is a little out of the ordinary. Most
Catholics get the basics of their faith from their parents
or Catholic school, then fade out from the church or
maybe show up once in a while at Christmas or Easter.
They don't sneak out during the week to go to
Mass or write passionate love letters to God. Alana uses
(07:37):
phrases like jumping into the ocean of the Father's love
and grant that I may have interior silence. These are
spiritual concepts that are lifted right out of the mystical
writings of seventeenth century European saints, people who had uniquely
powerful experiences of God, who are speaking of their era.
Gen Z Millennials don't talk like that, no matter how
(07:59):
much they're in love. It's a sunny afternoon and I'm
back in Louisville, Colorado, the town where Alana grew up.
I'm walking the downtown strip and finally make it to
my destination, the local ice cream shop, Sweet Cow, where
Alana used to work today. In memory of Alana's birthday,
(08:21):
they're giving a proceed of all purchases to support mental
health resources. Joyce is sitting outside with some of her friends.
They're exchanging stories about Alana. I get a cup of
chocolate oatmeal stout and sit down to join them. As
(08:45):
they reminisce about Alana. The conversation starts to move from
nostalgia to anger.
Speaker 4 (08:54):
Religion.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
There's a sense that the church, which was somehow responsible,
that its influence on Alana was a big part of
why she took her life. I can understand if it's
friends and family reckoning with their grief and looking for closure,
and the church can be an easy target. But what
exactly happened in the church, something that Alana clearly loved
(09:19):
that could lead to such a terrible outcome.
Speaker 5 (09:22):
Well, she left all her journals, but that there's something
that was there.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Yeah, like Joyce's friends, I'm wondering if her journals might
offer some clues. As I leave the ice cream shop,
I'm starting to feel the weight of responsibility I have
on my shoulders. With Alana's writings, It's time to get
back into them.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
Only one thing is important, eternal salvation only one thing, therefore,
is to be feared sin.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
Like Alana, I didn't grow up in a particularly devout family,
but I still had a very intuitive sense of right
and wrong as a child. I once felt so guilty
for taking the sewing kit from my mom's drawer to
play with it in my bedroom that I ran crying
to her the next day, begging her to forgive me
for stealing. Alana, it seems, was just as careful. There
(10:24):
are literally dozens of pages where she writes out her sins.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
Jealous of others, lied about daylight savings, lied to parents
about going to mass, let ultimate keep me from the Lord.
Used to be pro choice and for gay marriage, kissophone
in the cheek without realizing the damage, Facebook, stalking, insecure,
especially in middle school, Obsessed with how I looked, ungrateful
(10:50):
for the gifts God had given me, face hair, want
it to be somebody else.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
To be clear, a lot of these are not sins,
but Alana think they are.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
I feel bad I just opened the bathroom door on someone.
I'm sorry, Please forgive me.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
It can be hard being a young person navigating these rules,
trying to gauge how bad it was that you took
the owing kit or accidentally opened to the bathroom door.
As I got older, I learned that there was an
intricate system to sin, and I found myself gravitating to
obscure documents and websites which laid out all the rules.
It was like a secret code. For example, did you
(11:29):
know that you have to be at least seven years
old what the church calls the age of reason in
order to sin. Sins not only break the order of
the universe, but also hurt God like personally. Thankfully, there's
a way out. If you've committed sins, especially serious intentional
ones what Catholics call mortal sins, you can be forgiven
(11:51):
by going to confession.
Speaker 5 (11:53):
So she was always in confession.
Speaker 4 (11:56):
Did she go to confession like every week? Every week?
Speaker 5 (11:59):
And I should go up and have her arms cress
and I mean she she was the perfect Catholic. And
I was like, what do you She was I didn't
go to confession this week? And I said, Alana, you
don't have to go every week. Why do you think
you have to go every week? And she just said
I have to and like that was that was younger,
(12:19):
But I couldn't believe it. I just started. All I
thought was, Wow, she's really really conservative Catholic. This is
over the top.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Confession is a sacred space. Nothing said there is allowed
to leave it, and because of that, it's where you
can share your most private details. Go ahead in the
name of the Father and of the Son and of
the Holy Spirit. Amen, buss me, Father, for ive sinned.
(12:50):
It's been about a month since my lost confession. Am
I most about I'd go every week, though the recommendation
is to go once a month. These are my sins.
I yelled at my dad last weekend. We got in
a fight and I said some really nasty things to him.
(13:10):
I spoke behind one of my coworker's backs. I had
impure and lostiful thoughts. Especially. There are plenty of confession
guides that help you structure your conversation here, but essentially,
you go through your list of sins and mention how
frequently they occurred since your last confession, and you've got
to confess the mortal ones.
Speaker 6 (13:29):
This is key, very good, So tell me what the
fight was about.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
The priest might then probe a bit into what you
just confessed, give you a bit of informal counseling and advice.
Like maybe you should talk to someone about your addiction
or see a therapist about your anger.
Speaker 6 (13:45):
Very well, for your penance, say ten our Fathers and
three Hail Mary's, and now please make your active contrition.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Oh my God, I'm truly sorry for all my sins
with all my heart. So if you've done all of
this and are truly honest to God's so for your sins,
then when the priest responds with his prayer.
Speaker 6 (14:04):
And I absolve you from your sins in the name
of the Father and of the Son and of the
Holy Spirit, Amen.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Then your sins are forgiven. You're back in the fold,
back to being in a state of grace. For a
lot of people, confession is kind of therapeutic, like you've
unloaded these burdens and now you're starting from a clean slate.
But for me, I remember stressing out about making sure
I did everything right, making sure I kept careful inventory
(14:33):
of all my sins, making sure I was sorry with
all my heart, sometimes even going back to make a
second confession if there was any doubt. And I can
see how it might have been the same for Alana.
She writes about how she's often anxious at mass.
Speaker 3 (14:48):
Dear Lord, Jesus, I want true and tear your freedom
in order to serve, praise and love you. But sometimes
I have so much anxiety. Can I be free in
the midst of and why during mass? My desires have
been so impure that I still feel ashamed? Am I
(15:08):
not yet free?
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Alana's commitment to confession was felt by her siblings. Here's
her sister Carissa again.
Speaker 6 (15:17):
She would text me like, hey, you want to hang out,
like we haven't seen each other. I'm like, okay, let's
get one. She was like, oh, I was actually thinking
we could go to confession.
Speaker 7 (15:24):
I'm just like, no, that's like not my form of
spending time with my sister.
Speaker 6 (15:29):
Like this feels like a trap.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
And here's her younger sister.
Speaker 7 (15:32):
I know, I was in middle school when I started
getting pushed to go to confession by my sister, and
I thought I had a similar interest because I wanted
to be like my sister. And I remember going and
like reading this card saying like all the lists of
possible sins you could confess, and masturbation was like staring
(15:55):
at me. I was yelling, and I thought it was
like the most taboo thing ever. I mean, I don't
care anymore. But when you're young, it's it's weird you
don't talk about it, especially as a woman. I was like,
oh my gosh, I have to tell this priest this
because God knows I'm doing it, so I'm like, he
must know. So I remember doing that, and thirteen year
(16:19):
old means just doing my hail Mary's at home. But
it was very shameful.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
When I was in seventh grade, my mom made us
go to confession. As I was reading the pamphlet, I
saw that word that I learned to hate, that thing
that I thought I invented. Well, now that I was
past age seven, the age of reason, I was culpable
for my sins.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Alana's reaction to masturbation was different than her sister's. Where
Sophia eventually stopped caring about confessing this, Alana doubled down
on it, doing the calculus to measure her culpability all
over her journals. Alana obsesses over this subject.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
At one point in my childhood, I tried to achieve
an orgasm for masturbating my armpit. I thought maybe it
was just touching my private parts that was bad, and
maybe if I could make myself feel good in touching
a holier, more innocent part of my body that it
wouldn't be a sin. It obviously didn't work. Even before
I knew it was a sin, I was ashamed of
(17:19):
what I was doing since before I can remember. When
I found out it was a sin, I doubled my
efforts to try to stop. I counted the days I
could go without doing it. Dear Jesus, I have a
lot of problems. I think I have a boy's mind,
very dirty. I don't know why, but I'm sorry for
(17:41):
preferring weird things over you. It's kind of funny, not really,
but Father Deed told me not to take myself so seriously.
So yeah, but he's right. I just want to praise
you and forget about me. You are so good and
I love you. You have the power to make me clean,
(18:03):
give me a clean mind. I love you. Okay, Now,
I will pray for purity.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
As a teenager, when I learned that masturbation was a
mortal sin, also in a pamphlet. These pamphlets seem to
have gotten a lot of traction. I became fixated with
not doing it. Every time i'd feel the urge, I
think about how much i'd be hurting God. And it
wasn't just fear of hurting him that stopped me from
doing it. I learned about really compelling theological and philosophical
(18:40):
reasons for why masturbation was wrong. Through some combination of determination, fear,
and perfectionism, I managed to stop masturbating for and I'm
not kidding, over a decade. But I attributed it to
God's grace.
Speaker 3 (18:56):
Summer two thousand and nine, I was super depressed, but
then a miracle happened. I was able to give up
masturbation at age thirteen till I was twenty. The abstinence
lasted seven years.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
It looks like Ilana had an almost identical experience. She
credits her stopping masturbation to a miracle a sign of
God's closeness. And it's not just with masturbation that she's
so strict with herself. Here's an ambitious list of what
she's giving up for land.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
Twenty four hour fast, one peanut butter sandwich, no dessert,
only water, no straightening hair, no popping zits. Cold shower Wednesday,
lukewarm showers other days, hot shower Sunday. One blanket, no pillow,
no texting in class unless emergency, no YouTube, invite Christida
(19:51):
Mass every Saturday night.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
And in another entry, I.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
Commit to becoming a disciple of the Lamb. This means
participating in monthly meetings with my spiritual director, making a
monthly tithe, and two periods of mental prayer each day.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Her spiritual director, father David Nicks. Mentions of him are
becoming so frequent that it's impossible to ignore.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
Things to tell Father Dave about come and see pink blanket,
lack discipline, with mortification, temptations, desires.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
Father Dave, as you might remember from Milana's earlier writing,
is her priest and spiritual director. They meet regularly, and
Alana even goes on a student missionary trip he organizes
to Rwanda. In her timeline under a heading titled Father Dave,
Alana bullets out, sneak out to meet him, didn't tell parents,
first person to really tell about family life. Spiritual directors,
(20:48):
and I've had a few, are usually priests who serve
as spiritual guides or coaches. You confess to them and
they give you advice, homework and reading material to help
you on your spiritual journey. Again, these are bonus level
Catholic practices. Most Catholics don't have spiritual directors, but Alana
seems to be relating to him, almost like a therapist.
(21:10):
Father Dave is from Denver, graduated pre med became a paramedic,
and then a campus missionary before entering the seminary and
getting ordained as a priest at the age of thirty one.
His first job out of the gate happens to be
at Saint Thom's Alana's church.
Speaker 3 (21:26):
You sent me, Father Dave to help me out of
my dispar at camp. He was the first person I
told my temptations to, and through him, I've felt your
endless compassion.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
First person I told my temptations to. I can guess
what she's talking about, but I'm not totally sure. And
then I find several entries about a friend.
Speaker 3 (21:48):
I don't really remember how it started, but somewhere along
the line during sophomore year, we became great friends. Then
something began to stir deep beneath the surface. It was
to me, but I didn't know what it was or
what was happening. During these times, I always convinced myself
we were just friends, but some days I imagined us
(22:11):
holding hands or sharing a first kiss.
Speaker 7 (22:14):
In her car.
Speaker 3 (22:16):
At this point I wanted to tell her how I felt,
but it was trapped within me. Father Dave said I
should love her more, not less, and pray for her.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
It seems like Alana is sharing a lot with Father Dave,
including her budding feelings for a friend another girl. Could
these be the temptations she's talking about. I'm looking through
(22:51):
Alana's emails after she passed. Her brother was able to
get into her laptop and preserve access to her files
and accounts. As I go through her inbox, I'm amused
at how catholic it is. Updates from Saint Tom's heartfelt
conversations with nuns, newsletters from an anti porn group, and
many emails with Father Dave. Olana reminds him to share
(23:13):
with her the writings of Saint John of the Cross,
the medieval mystic, which she does. So it looks like
he's been introducing her to the Saints, and since August
of twenty fifteen, she's been subscribed to Father Dave's blog,
where he sends her updates every two to three days,
with posts like this one about confession from April twenty seventeen.
I click on it. The post is devoted entirely to masturbation, hell,
(23:38):
and sexual purity. Father Dave describes how pornography releases real
live demons into your home who have access to your memories,
and how looking at porn is actually a slippery slope
towards becoming a serial killer. There are a lot of
religious groups who've made this connection, similar to what's been
said about violent video games and movies. He goes on
(23:59):
too a li elaborate on how masturbation and oral sex
are mortal sins, worse than pre marital sex. I'm deeply
familiar with these ideas. The sheer fear of demons from
hell was a big reason why I was so compulsively
and mortally afraid of masturbating or having sexual thoughts about anyone.
But I'm baffled by what I read. Next, he writes, quote,
(24:23):
I believe that masturbation is a homosexual act. Many men
might think that they feel manly by looking at pictures
of women and masturbating, but the reality of it is
it's a man's hand that is leading a man to ejaculate.
Masturbation may be one reason why so many straight men
become gay. End quote. I haven't heard this line of
(24:44):
reasoning before, and I can only imagine the impact it
might have had on Ilana, who's clearly taken to heart
so many of these kinds of messages about sin, almost compulsively.
But it brings me back to my own teenage years,
when I was trying to make sense of it all,
my surging hormones, my confusing emotions, my deep desire to
follow God. When I met my spiritual director, I finally
(25:08):
found someone who had answers, clear rules to follow, and
even if I didn't understand everything he said, the way
he said it, with confidence and certainty, like the way
Father Dave writes it, gave me a deep sense of security.
I go back to Alana's timeline.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
High school, Father Dave's surprise, hugs me at adoration, first
person to come out to tells me God loves me
so much.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
At this point, it's not even funny how much Ilana
and I have in common. The first person I ever
felt safe talking about my sexual and romantic feelings too
was also a priest, and like Father Dave, he reacted
similarly by downplaying it, telling me it was going to
be okay. I remember the sense of relief. Everyone struggles
(25:58):
with things he said to me, confessing all this wasn't
really coming out, but more like sharing a temptation alongside
the many other temptations I was working on. His reassurance
gave me a sense of relief, like it was all
a work in progress. But as I keep reading, I
find something I don't expect to come.
Speaker 3 (26:19):
Out to tells me God loves me so much. Says
not to tell parents.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
From Milana's own words, Father Dave told her not to
tell her parents that she was having romantic feelings towards women.
Why would he instruct a minor to keep secrets from
her parents. I talked with Alana's mother, Joyce about this.
She didn't know what secrets were being kept from her,
(26:48):
but she starts to get suspicious about Alana's frequent confessions,
and she eventually discovers that Alana's been meeting with Father
Dave one on one for spiritual direction. So she books
an appointment with Father d Ave directly, and Alana joins her.
Here's how Joyce remembers that meeting.
Speaker 5 (27:05):
I said, I'm very concerned you're in here with my daughter,
a minor. I imagine the door was shut. I don't know.
I have no knowledge of this. I didn't give any consent.
She was fourteen and you're talking to her about being
a nun and she's young, like my daughter needs to
go to high school and go to college. And I
(27:28):
don't know what you're doing, Like why why don't why
don't you ask me? Like this is outrageous.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
What happened next took her by surprise.
Speaker 5 (27:37):
And he just was really smug and right. He was right,
and he went on and on and on. He wound
up saying that I'm not Catholic really, and Alana is
worried about her dad and her siblings. You know, Chris
has a boyfriend and she's too young, And he said,
how come you're letting her have a boyfriend that young?
(27:58):
And then he gives me the chest, and I was
just like I was blown away, Like I almost was
like in shock, like we I came here because what
you're doing and you have just twisted this whole thing
and bashed everyone in my family, including me.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
Things got heated.
Speaker 5 (28:14):
So I remember saying to him, He's like, you're not
really Catholic. I go up Catholic, but I take what
I like and leave the rest. I don't like everything
in the Catholic church, and that is fine. I don't
believe in it. I think it's not of Jesus some
of the things, because well, you're not Catholic. There's no
such thing as a liberal Catholic. You're Catholic or you're
not Catholic. And he started like arguing with me, you know,
(28:35):
and I just remember Alana's head was down. She was like,
you know, scared, she didn't want me to fight or
anything like that.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
And then Alana spoke up and she.
Speaker 5 (28:45):
At one point she was like something like please, mommy,
I want to still see him. And then so then
it turned it all around. Like then it was like
I said something. I felt bad for her, so I
said something like she can, she can talk to you,
but I'm I'm going to be outside way with the
door open. And then I remember, okay. And then every
(29:05):
time I tried to get that to happen, you know,
he texts me a time and I'd say, well, I've
got three kids I'm taking to tap dance and ballet,
I'm a son to basketball. Like it never coordinated, and
he didn't try hard all to make it work.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
As outrageous as Father Dave's behavior might look, I can
totally relate to it. As I learned about my faith
from my spiritual director, I saw it as my holy
obligation to police who was Catholic and who wasn't. People
needed to know the errors of their ways, and if
I didn't say anything, I could be culpable for their sins.
(29:46):
It also makes sense to me now why Father Dave
may have told Ilana not to tell her parents. They
would have accepted her, maybe even encouraged her to pursue
a same sex relationship that would have been going against
church teaching. Three months later, Father Dave is reassigned from
Saint Thom's to another parish in the archdiocese. Joyce is
(30:07):
relieved that he's out of the picture. But for Alana,
who's in tenth grade at the time, she's losing the
only person she feels safe with, the only one who
knows her secret. As I returned to the journals, I
stumble across several drafts of a letter written by Alana.
Speaker 3 (30:26):
Dear Archbishop Aquilla, I would like to express gratitude for
the loving fatherhood of Father David Nicks, who was just
recently asked to leave Saint John the twenty third.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
That's his fourth church assignment in three years.
Speaker 3 (30:39):
I know that in the past he has run into
many difficulties. You have probably heard many complaints and accusations
about him, and not many good things.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
I do not know.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
Why, but I strongly believe that God chose Father Dave
to be an instrument for the salvation of my soul.
I met him when I was fourteen years old, right
as I had dedicated my life to Christ. Dave offered
to be my spiritual father. He taught me to pray,
to read Scripture, to go to Mass and confession. He
(31:08):
was one who told me to volunteer at the Gift
of Mary Shelter. After he left Saint Thom's, he promised
he would always be my spiritual father. He has counseled
me through doubt and temptation. When I was in danger
of leaving the church out of despair, by the grace
of God, Father Dave was there.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
The average church assignment for a Catholic priest is six years,
but Father Dave is averaging a little over a year
per assignment, and his shortest one, according to the records,
lasts less than five months. That doesn't seem right. Alta's
defense of Father Dave in writing to his boss, the
Archbishop makes me realize just how important he was to her,
(31:47):
and yet his frequent reassignments raise a lot of questions.
According to the Catholic News Agency, Father Dave was initially
held back from ordination because of quote psychological issues. Once
he was ordained, it seems he couldn't hold down a job,
and while the reasons for why he was moved around
aren't totally clear, at least one of them, according to
(32:10):
an email he wrote to Alana, involved a spat with
a parishioner in which the police were called. The Archdiocese
of Denver describes how quote, after four failed parish assignments,
it became very difficult to find a pastor who would
receive him end quote. By twenty fourteen, Father Dave was
seeking ministry outside of Denver, including out a Latin mass
(32:31):
community in Virginia, But according to the Archdiocese of Denver,
in each case he was asked by these other dioceses
to return to Denver, and then I stumble across something else.
It's a journal entry that Alana wrote years later, reflecting
on her meetings with Father Dave. It's clear that this
man played a big role in her adolescent life, and
(32:54):
even as a young adult, she's still processing it.
Speaker 3 (32:57):
I took the bus to see him, sat in a office.
I felt uncomfortable with my short shorts and bare legs.
He didn't say anything, though he was covered in black glasses,
hair cut close to the skull. He was young and
funny and passionate. He noticed me.
Speaker 6 (33:15):
He knew me.
Speaker 3 (33:17):
He knew I loved God. He knew I did not
want to marry a man. I was fourteen years old.
I didn't tell my parents where I was going. I
didn't want anyone to know why I loved God so much.
He forgave my unspeakable sin. He took my defilement and
buried it. You ought to pray the Rosary every day. Later,
(33:37):
he said, I'd better pray it five times per day
to keep the temptation away. He wanted me to be holy, unblemished.
He called me a diamond in the rough, the rough
being my family. I came to despise my family. Only
he was holy. I did everything he told me to do.
(34:00):
They cheered. When he said he was leaving.
Speaker 1 (34:03):
I cried. In the wrong hands, A secret can exercise
an enormous amount of control even divide someone from their family.
I flashed back to the relationship I had with my
spiritual director. By college, I was meeting regularly with Father William,
(34:26):
confessing to him and talking to him about my problems,
and like Alana, I had this confusing part of me
that I had never acted out on or told any
of my friends or family about. One day, Father William,
my spiritual director, sat me down. We'd been talking about
me becoming a priest for a while, and I knew
(34:46):
this day would come. He looked me in the eyes, smiled,
and carefully asked me, Simon, are you ready to answer
the Lord's call? Will you join the seminary in September.
My heart was pounding. I wanted to leap up and
say yes. The thought of dedicating my life to serving
God and his people as a priest gave me so
(35:09):
much joy, But I held back that part of me
that could never tell lies. Knew that something had to
be said. There's something I have to tell you, Father William.
What's that? He asked, Well, for as long as I
can remember, I've struggled with some different sexual feelings. His
(35:34):
smile faded. Of what nature? He asked I looked down
of the same sex, I said, trying to avoid any
loaded terms. Father William's face became like a stone wall.
He took out his notebook and his ballpoint pen, wrote
something on it and handed it to me. Take this,
(35:56):
he said. These people will fix you back when you're healed.
Speaker 4 (36:02):
I will follow you, follow you wherever you may go.
Next time.
Speaker 8 (36:11):
On Dear Alana, I believe that homosexuality is linked with
difficulties in the early relationship with the same sex parents.
Speaker 6 (36:24):
We're allowing people to be who they want to be.
We're not imposing.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
We're not forcing people to change.
Speaker 6 (36:31):
We're just exploring.
Speaker 4 (36:35):
I will follow you ever since you touched my head.
Speaker 1 (36:43):
Dear Alana was created, hosted, and written by me Simon
Kentfong and is a production of Tenderfoot TV in association
with a Slapped Audio in the Center for Independent Documentary.
It was produced by Laur Puliski, who also composed the music.
Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay. Our
supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional music by Makeup
(37:07):
and Vanity Set, Sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our voice
actor is Alana Rabor and our credit song I Will
Follow You is Bye to Loose. Show notes and resources
can be found on our website Dearlana dot com. If
you enjoyed this episode, please take time to follow the show,
rate and review.
Speaker 4 (37:25):
There is in notion to d montin so High Keep
Me Away Away from the Long.
Speaker 1 (37:51):
Dear Alana is an eight part series released weekly. If
you can't wait until next week, subscribe to tenderfoot Plus
so you can binge the entire series right now, ad
free head to Apple Podcasts or tenorfoot plus dot com
to subscribe now
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