September 11, 2023 • 40 mins
Alana enters treatment and comes clean to her family. While still actively seeking Conversion Therapy behind their back, she falls in love.
This episode contains references to suicide. If you or someone you know is in need of help, please contact the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988. Listener discretion is advised.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Dear Alana has released weekly and brought to you absolutely free.
But if you want to binge the whole season right now,
subscribe to tenderfoot Plus at tenderfootplus dot com or on
Apple Podcasts. You also get exclusive bonus episodes throughout the season.
For more information, check out the show notes. Enjoy the episode.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or
someone you know is in need of help, please contact
the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine to eight eight.
Listener discretion is advised.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Delier Guy.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Douausie.
Speaker 4 (00:55):
He lolla. I get there to the emergency hero there's
a couple of nuns and then there's father Peter on
his knees praying over Elana. She's crying and I'm just stunned.
I'm like, what the hell is going on here? And
(01:24):
I said I need to be alone with my daughter
and someone asked her, is that okay, Alana? And I'm
like what? And then she said yes, and they left.
Speaker 5 (01:35):
Lomas look at Alma Sa.
Speaker 4 (01:40):
And I was like, Alana, what is going on? You know?
Is this true? They're saying you're suicidal? Like what? I
don't I don't I was in shock and she just said, yes, Mom,
it's true, and I just I lost it. I was like,
I was so shocked.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
From Tenderfoot TV. I'm Simon and fun and this is
Dear Alana, Part six defiled.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
They were there every day, the nuns all day pretty much,
and we couldn't. We only had an hour to visit,
you know, five of us. And I asked the hospital
and they said they're clergy, they can do that. I
just remember the first day she had visiting hours. I
went there and she was crying so much.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Alana wasn't talking, and Joyce does not know what to do.
Her daughter was suicidal, the daughter that she thought was
out of all her kids, doing the best. Sure, Alana
had some teenage growing pains the sexuality question, but she
had so many good friends from Frisbee and a supportive family. Dazed,
(02:57):
Joyce rushes home and goes through Alana's bedrooms.
Speaker 4 (03:01):
I got anything out of her room that was sharp,
and she had all these tools from architecture.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
As she's safety proofing the room, Joyce stumbles across a
stack of notebooks Alana's journals. Not one to snoop normally,
Joyce feels she has to make an exception to begin
to find answers.
Speaker 4 (03:19):
I read all the journals that I found, and I,
like Sophia, would come home every day and I'd be
hysterically crying, and she said, Mom, this isn't helping. And
because I never I just was in shocked too. I
didn't know any of this.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
It was surprise after surprise. She reads about Father Dave
and Father Peter, their ongoing spiritual advice, about Alana's intense
love for God, and for the first time she comes
across entries like this one, which Joyce has bookmarked. She
shows it to me as I sit in her kitchen.
Speaker 4 (03:57):
December eighth, Thursday. How I feel, what I hear? How
I see? I am a failure, moral failure, obsessed, addicted, selfish, starving, impure, disordered,
messed up, repeating, lustful thoughts, lonely, incomplete, empty, wasteful, useless, sensitive, prideful,
(04:19):
self seeking, praise seeking, desperate for love and affection, Unable
to receive true love, closed off to truth, no one
to talk to, no one to understand, can't make eye
contact with Mom or anyone. Just want it to end
to be fixed. I don't know the way out it
is too much to bear, can't stay pure for one hour?
(04:42):
Too much shame? Just watch TV or music, drown out,
Feel too much, don't know how I feel, think too much,
don't know what I'm thinking? Time to reach out? Where
do I reach?
Speaker 1 (05:01):
A picture of deep shame was emerging from Milana's journals,
but there were earlier clues that had escaped anyone's radar,
including an incident almost a year earlier.
Speaker 6 (05:11):
I remember a year prior, at the dinner table at Christmas.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
This is her younger sister, Sophia. Again.
Speaker 6 (05:19):
I had noticed these markings on her arm and I
was like, Alana, what's that? At the whole dinner too,
and she was like, Sophia.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Stop, Like Alana tries to hide the cuts below her
left shoulder from her sister.
Speaker 6 (05:32):
I thought she had branded herself, like something stupid she
had done with her friends or something, but it wasn't.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
That at all, and they quickly excused themselves from the table.
Speaker 3 (05:41):
She brought me.
Speaker 6 (05:42):
Upstairs and Salana, what is that? And I was like,
did you brand yourself? Did you do this to yourself?
I was like, what did you do? She was like,
you can't tell anyone, But we still wasn't something we
ever talked about. I can't you to see that.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Yeah, Joyce is showing me a page in one of
Alana's journals. It's unlike any of the others. It's an
ink drying with sharp barbs and wild scribbles surrounding seven
giant letters D E F, I, L ED defiled. This
is what Alana had cut into her arm.
Speaker 5 (06:28):
There's a lot to say, Jesus, I don't know where
to begin. I'm hurting so much. I'm stressed because of school,
and I don't know who I can trust and who
I can be vulnerable with. I just drink poison looking
(06:49):
up how to have sex with women. Jesus, Jesus, I
took a blade and carved the word defiled into my arm.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Alana was tormented by where her same sex attractions were
leading her.
Speaker 5 (07:11):
I don't remember everything that happened when I cut myself.
I know it was late at night. I was in
my room, the lamp was on. I felt hopeless, every
exhale dragging me down. I needed a release, something to
(07:32):
take this draining feeling away. I don't know how I
thought of that word defiled. I felt like my body
was stained, covered in filth, that's what the voices told me.
That I had sinned, that I was irrepairable, I had
(07:55):
profaned the temple, I had taken God's gift and squandered it.
I wanted to punish myself. I wanted to make it real.
Speaker 4 (08:10):
It's just like, it's like it's so wrong, it's so
insane and unfair. It be like she was so good
and then you get this from what Like It's like,
what kind of God do they teach about? I don't know, Simon.
(08:31):
I want to, like, I really want to go there
and confront them because I feel like I didn't know
all this time this was going on, like this young life,
this is what half of it was. It kills me.
Speaker 7 (08:50):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (08:51):
I like, this is where I go. I have to
do something and.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Ool I can hear Joyce's agitation. She wants to do something,
confront the people who planted these seeds of shame in
her daughter. But religion is complicated. We often find both
shame and comfort from the same ancient faith, as Alana
clearly did. After a week in the hospital, Alana returns home.
(09:22):
She withdraws from the fall semester at CU and her
mother seeks out additional help my.
Speaker 6 (09:28):
Mom my full mama bear mode and was taken care of.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
The situation after many nights. Researching online, Joyce discovers an
inpatient treatment facility specializing in depression and anxiety recovery. It's
in Tennessee, and Alana agrees to go. The admission notes,
which we were only able to obtain after her death,
are telling. I begin to read through the report. Name
(09:55):
client prefers to be called Alana Chen Chief complaint.
Speaker 5 (10:03):
Sexual addiction, depression, suicidal.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Thoughts, spiritual and religious background.
Speaker 5 (10:11):
Please describe When I was thirteen, I experienced a mystical thing.
I was in confession about the sexual addiction and it
was taken away from me for like years.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
What is the client's sexual orientation homosexual? Does the client
have any concerns about her sexuality?
Speaker 5 (10:32):
I'm really Catholic, so my beliefs I'm always in conflict.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Has the client experienced other events that were abusive or traumatic?
Speaker 5 (10:43):
I think my parents fighting all the time was pretty traumatic.
We lived in constant fear they were going to get
a divorce.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
How does the client perceive these experiences have affected her?
Speaker 5 (10:57):
I always wanted to be the peacemaker because I didn't
want them to get divorced. I felt like it was
my responsibility for everything to be okay. Like if I
was there, then I felt like the fighting would stop.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
What is the client's motivation level for recovery?
Speaker 5 (11:16):
Three out of ten?
Speaker 1 (11:18):
What is motivating the client for treatment?
Speaker 5 (11:22):
If if I don't get better, I will kill myself.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Alana is admitted for recurrent and severe depression and self harm.
She spends the next three months at the treatment facility,
where she gets a range of targeted, evidence based therapies,
including dialectical behavioral therapy to reduce her suicidality, group therapy,
and adventure therapy. At the nearby state park. She goes
(11:58):
to classes on nutrition and mindfulness, and even spends time
with horses. One weekend, the treatment facility invites Alana's family
to come in for a visit. Alana seems to be
making progress and her family is excited to see her. Carissa,
her older sister, remembers the significance of this time because
that's when Alana came out to her.
Speaker 8 (12:19):
I guess I was hopeful that, like as she was
telling me and her family that she was feeling open
and starting, that she could start to live into who
she really was. To me, it's like, oh, you're gay.
Speaker 9 (12:33):
Be gay.
Speaker 8 (12:33):
Drop all the church stuff, like forget about it. Leave
that world. Like they don't love you or see you
for who you are, then who cares?
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Meanwhile, Joyce still feels in the dark. Alana's mainly confiding
in her friends back home, particularly her church community, and
Joyce reaches out to the Saint Tom's crowd to ask
them to give Alana some space, But from Alana's treatment notes,
this actually has the opposite effect.
Speaker 5 (13:00):
I'm considering placing some serious limitations on my mother. Every
time I tell her anything, she blames and tries to
change my belief system. Every suggestion she makes to me,
she's trying to change my belief system. My belief system
is one of the most core parts of my identity,
and I can't surround myself with people that don't accept
me without trying to change me.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
As I read her journal entries from this time and treatment,
I'm struck by the irony of the situation. Alana's frustrated
with her mother. She feels like she's the one who
doesn't understand or accept her, not the church community that
she's gone to such great lengths to try to change herself.
For from Joyce's perspective, the contact with Father Dave and
the sisters needs to stop. Something's not right about the
(13:46):
level of influence they're having over her. But for Alana,
it's her church that seems to provide a locus of
stability for her while she's in treatment.
Speaker 5 (13:55):
I think the prozac is keeping me alive. The only
thing I care about right now are these nuns that
I'm friends with. They love me, they don't get scared
of my emotions and problems. They make me laugh, they
don't judge me.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
It's one am, and just as I'm about to fall asleep,
my heart starts racing and I'm jolted up. This has
never happened to me. I feel oddly afraid, but of why.
I'm safe in my bed. My dog is lying next
to me and there's no noise that startled me. It
(14:46):
happens like this for the next few hours until I
manage to doze off, exhausted. I've never had a panic
attack before in my life. After months spent researching conversion therapy,
re listening to talks, reading Alana's journals, I've been feeling
a lot of emotions coming back. I thought I'd moved
(15:09):
on from this time in my life, like I'm reading
a story about my past, but a part of me
still feels attached to these ideas, and I feel jumpy
and anxious all the time, like there's still something unresolved.
As difficult as this is for me, I know it's
just a small dose of what Alana must have been
going through her hospital records, texts, and emails give us
(15:33):
insight into how she felt during this time in treatment.
Joyce remembers how Alana kept a tight lid on what
she was telling her family. From her texts, I can
see that Alana gives Father Dave the play by play
of her hospital admissions. He checks in with her frequently,
calling the treatment center to figure out how he can
visit her. From her emails, it looks like after Alana
(15:56):
was hospitalized, her spiritual mentors were sending her resources. There's
a barrage of blog emails from Father Dave, like when
he sends her just two weeks after her suicide, scare
about embracing the Cross and choosing Christ over the gay lifestyle.
There's a note from a nine the week before, encouraging
Alana to attend a woman's retreat run by Courage, the
(16:18):
Catholic support group for those struggling with SSA. As I
scroll back chronologically, I come across an email written by
Alana herself, dated just a few months before her hospitalization.
Speaker 5 (16:31):
Hi. There, my pastor, father, Peter Mussett, has continued to
recommend that I attend the Living Waters Leadership training week
this summer. I am a college student at the University
of Colorado, I'm a Catholic, and I struggle with SSA.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
I recognize the group Living Waters immediately. This is bringing
back so many memories.
Speaker 10 (16:53):
We have people in our churches who look in the
mirror and don't know their own gender, who seriously believe
that they're best friend or their sexual completion.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
Living Waters was founded in the eighties by a man
who struggled with SSA and later married a woman and
had children. I remember his success story being such a
source of hope for me when I was a teenager
secretly researching conversion therapies online. I can't believe Alana is
being steered here over a decade later. This is their
promotional video from twenty sixteen.
Speaker 10 (17:24):
We provide a one week training where your wounded healers
come to provide these kinds of in depth healing opportunities.
Come and substantiate the claim.
Speaker 9 (17:36):
That your church makes that Jesus really is the way,
the truth, and the life for all persons to be
set by all manner of sexual and gender problems.
Speaker 10 (17:47):
Come to the Living Waters Training.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
I got my hands on their training workbook. Itsites conversion
therapy theorists like Elizabeth Moberly and Joe of Nicolosi. It
also features fourteen case studies of people claiming to be
healed from homosexuality. I spoke with several people who attended
or were leaders for this program who estimated that half
of the participants in their groups were homosexuals looking to
(18:16):
become straight. So even though it's not publicly advertised, people
who want to attend this program, like Alana and me
when I was a teenager, know exactly what they're signing
up for. A day after Alana emails the Living Waters
Training program, she gets a reply. It says, we are
excited about the prospect of having you with us. Unfortunately,
(18:38):
we do not offer scholarships for our programs. We encourage
all of the participants to raise support. It's unclear if
Alana ever finds the money to go. Remember this is
just a few months before her suicide's scare, but she's
clearly doing her research and trying her best to access
these resources. After she returns home from her treatment center
(18:59):
and to see Alana begs her mother to take her
to a local therapist, a new one on the Advice
of the Nuns. At this point, Joyce is on high alert.
She's read a lot of Alana's journals and is extra
cautious about anyone counseling her daughter about her sexuality. Something
on this therapist's website, however, sounds suspicious to her. She
(19:22):
can't put her finger on it and didn't know the
terminology of conversion therapy at the time, but it raises
an alarm.
Speaker 4 (19:28):
There was like one sentence in her description on the website,
and I was like, no, way like And Alana was like, Mommy,
that's not only reason why I want to go, and
she does way more than that, and I was like,
I don't care what she does. And I remember leaving
a message on the Sisters of Life's machine like call me.
I was angry.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
I'm on this therapist's website and it looks pretty generic.
It says she's a licensed professional counselor in private practice
since ninety three and young professor at Denver Seminary specializes
in faith based individuals client centered. She seems pretty standard
and innocuous. And then I have the idea to go
(20:12):
to the internet archive to look up the snapshot of
the therapist's website from October twenty sixteen, when Alana booked
her appointment. This lets me see the archived version of
the website from that time. Oh wow, it looks totally different.
It says her specialty is female same sex attraction and
(20:33):
emotional dependencies. The site is classic repairative Therapy. We honor
all people's right to self determination, including their authentic desire
to diminish or alter their experience of same sex attractions.
We will support men and women with same sex attraction
who want to explore opposite sex intimacy. Oh, she's got
(20:54):
a book. She's promoting her book that's got endorsements from
Joseph Nicolosi and the founder of Living Waters. I look
up the therapist's name and it turns out she was
on the board of NARTH, the Conversion Therapy Network. There
was a time when this kind of therapy was practiced
(21:15):
quite openly, but over the last twenty years, due to
the questionable scientific validity of conversion therapy, it's been largely debunked.
The largest X gay ministry, Exodus International, shut down in
twenty thirteen because its leadership admitted to lying about its
claims and recognize the harm they were causing. Many ministries
and therapists have since gone underground. Some even now make
(21:38):
an effort to deny they ever practice conversion therapy at all,
but from these Internet archives, I can plainly see that
that's not factually true. So Alana's getting these resources from
her spiritual mentors who are encouraging her to seek more
help to treat her sexuality. She's already been in therapy
(21:59):
at Saint tom for the past two years with Kate,
but after the suicide scare and the three month treatment
facility in Tennessee, Joyce wants to be extra cautious. She
doesn't know exactly what Alana learned in her formal therapy
and informal spiritual direction, but she knows that her daughter
is not out of the woods, so she frantically looks
for more help.
Speaker 4 (22:20):
And then that's when I started to get her. I
remember scrambling how A might Where am I going to
have her go?
Speaker 1 (22:26):
Joyce finds her another live in treatment facility, this time
in Arizona, where she hopes Alana can get specialized counseling
for spiritual trauma, among other things. It's another three month
program and the family is maxing out their finances to
give her the best care they can afford. They pack
her bags and get her settled in in Scottsdale. It's
(22:47):
here that Alana meets someone who will challenge everything she believes.
While at her treatment program in Arizona, Alana meets a
girl named Jessica through one of her roommates. They hit
it off and soon start texting regularly. They hang out
as a group with the other girls in the treatment program,
(23:09):
go to the pool, have meals together, and within a
few weeks, Alana starts developing feelings for her.
Speaker 5 (23:17):
No one is like Jessica. She is so beautiful and unique.
I don't know anyone like her.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Things escalate and they start spending more time together.
Speaker 5 (23:28):
I think I'm falling in love with Jessica. I'm thinking
about her all the time. I want to know her.
When she has wrinkles, and gray hair. I want to
give her my heart. I know that will be hard
and it will take time, but that's what I want
to do. I miss Jessica. There's this pretty song by
(23:53):
Regina Specter called Jessica. It's beautiful the way she sings
her name. She saw the world so differently yet so
the same. I really think I was am in love
with her. I've just always been afraid. I sent her
(24:13):
that song.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Her journals are filled with pages of melancholy one day
and exuberance the next. This is her first real relationship.
Speaker 5 (24:22):
Jessica. I think about you every day. I know you
don't always believe it. You said you love reading my thoughts,
so here they are. I'll give you my thoughts. I
think about our emails. It's ridiculous that that's the way
we have to correspond. I think about how romantic that is,
how romantic an email can be. I think, Jessica, you
(24:47):
take me back to sixth grade, to the first time
I ever told someone that I liked them. It was
over email. Jessica, you take me back to the first
I ever knew of love.
Speaker 7 (25:03):
There she is. This was in Arizona and.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
With Carissa, Alana's older sister and we're looking through a
family photo album.
Speaker 7 (25:13):
I think this is one where Alana's girlfriend was with
us because she lived in the area. But like she
we invited her to dinner, and I think we knew
that she was Alana's girlfriend, but my aunts and uncles
like she hadn't come out to them yet. Yeah, we
just like didn't make it a thing. And Alanna and
Jessica kissed in the car, like thinking no one saw them,
(25:35):
and then our like five year old cousin Brandon was like,
I saw them kiss and my uncle's like, Na, you
did it, Like, don't say that, And then like kind
of became a thing, but not really.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
Did you did? You had to meet Jessau right, Yeah,
what did you think about her?
Speaker 7 (25:52):
She's hilarious, probably like the funniest, one of the funniest
people I ever met. But I only in my her
a few times, and I know they had like a
somewhat tumultuous relationship.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
Their relationship had its fair share of ups and downs.
Alana would initiate multiple breakups over the next few months,
often driven by her own uncertainty over dating women. I
wasn't able to get a hold of Jessica to hear
her perspective, but people described her as Alana's opposite, extroverted, short,
not into hiking. Still, Alana was smitten, Jessica has mentioned
(26:31):
over two hundred times in her journals. I think back
to myself at Alana's age. I never thought a relationship
was possible for me. The idea of me being with
a woman seemed so distant, and from everything I learned,
a gay relationship would have been destined to fail. If
homosexuality was caused by psychological instability, then putting two gay
(26:55):
people together was a recipe for disaster, according to the theory.
I didn't consider whether this narrative was set up to
scare me from ever trying, and I wonder if Alana
had the same doubts.
Speaker 5 (27:08):
Dear Jessica, I love you so much. I think I've
fallen in love with you, but I feel crazy. I
am crazy. You know I'm crazy. I'm so sorry I'm
doing this again. It's not because I don't love you.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you,
(27:29):
but I need to heal first. I don't want to
keep hurting you because I know someday you won't be
able to handle it. Anymore. You are so strong. You've
been waiting for me this whole time, but I've been distracted.
I need to make some serious changes in my life.
I know I caused so much drama in our.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Relationship, and yet, in spite of the theories, Alana has
hoped that she and Jessica.
Speaker 5 (27:56):
Can be together someday. I want to wake up with
you every morning. I want to have breakfast burritos and moke.
Was that Lola's with you. I want to go camping
with you. I want to go on date nights and
I want to go to the beach with you. I
want you. I want to do everything with you. I
need you, I love you. I'm so in love with you,
(28:17):
and I don't tell you that enough. I'm going to
get better for you, Jessica. We are going to be okay.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Once Alana starts to date Jessica, the tone of her
journals starts to change. It's as if she's processing her
past in a way she's never done before.
Speaker 5 (28:34):
At first, I said it was no big deal, a
small thing that God could handle, just a few crossed
wires in the brain that I could get through it.
They said it was a disordered desire that it could
never be fulfilling or lead to true happiness. They said
it wasn't my identity. It wasn't as big of a
thing as I was making it out to be. Then
(28:58):
they said it was a sin against nature, sure that
it offended God. They said it was a very big cross,
a very hard thing to get through. They said the
devil was working hard to destroy me. I feel like
I've been fooled all this time. I'm so angry, I'm hurt.
(29:18):
I still feel broken.
Speaker 1 (29:21):
Alana's describing something that I've never been able to articulate
for myself, this constant tension between mortal existential peril on
the one hand, and on the other hand, the message
of no big deal, this isn't a significant part of
your identity anyways, Like you simultaneously should and shouldn't feel
absolutely terrified about your attractions.
Speaker 5 (29:43):
At some point in college, Alana decided she needed to
start being honest with God. She couldn't hide her pain
from him or herself any longer.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
In this entry, Alana writes in the third person, like
she's telling a story about herself in hindsight.
Speaker 5 (29:58):
Before she was able to distract herself keep herself busy
but she couldn't do it anymore. Her prayers were filled
with moaning and sobbing and thrashing. Alana lived in darkness.
She begged God to take her same sex attraction away,
but deep down, she didn't want that. She wanted to
(30:20):
be accepted just as she was. She wanted God to
say that it was okay. The pain never went away,
It only grew bigger. She couldn't sleep, she couldn't enjoy
things the way she used to. She felt completely isolated
from her family, her church, her friends, and frisbee team.
(30:42):
She never felt good enough. She had to do whatever
she could to be good and to please God to
make it to heaven. She was so afraid of disappointing God.
Speaker 4 (30:57):
This is our neighborhood, by and.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
With Carissa, and she's driving me outside of Boulder to
visit their childhood home, the one where her dad still
lives after the divorce. This is the house that Alana
grew up in. The neighborhood is quaint and suburban, with
neat lawns lined with four bedroom houses.
Speaker 7 (31:16):
We were the cul de sac kids on roller blades
another little thing I made everyone do. Yeah, this is
our cul de sac over here. And then we would
also like ride our bike up super fast and like
come down here and definitely had a few falls.
Speaker 1 (31:33):
Their houses at the end of the street overlooking a
giant field.
Speaker 7 (31:38):
Alana like loved this open space too. We get like
some really pretty sunsets. So yeah, Boulder Bowder mountains.
Speaker 4 (31:49):
And this is our house with all the cars because.
Speaker 7 (31:51):
My dad is a car guy, I know.
Speaker 1 (32:01):
Crisa shows me around the house. It's carpeted and has
a lot of stuff, mail and boxes and framed photoclauges
her mom made for each of the kids high school graduations,
dog toys. The fridge is covered in family photos. She's
wearing a rainbow sure that says I love me. How
(32:23):
old do you think she's in there?
Speaker 4 (32:24):
Perfect?
Speaker 7 (32:26):
I don't know.
Speaker 11 (32:27):
Eight?
Speaker 8 (32:28):
Is that too young?
Speaker 7 (32:28):
I'm really bad at knowing age.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
As we head upstairs to Alana's bedroom, I'm feeling emotional
right now, like I'm about to see the place where
she wrote her journals, the journals I've been reading all
this time.
Speaker 8 (32:44):
And then this is a.
Speaker 7 (32:48):
Most I stayed exactly this.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
It's a medium sized room with a twin bed by
the window and a small bookshelf. The book Walden by
Henry David Thureaux. Sits on top of her cover so
you can.
Speaker 7 (33:01):
See she like had all of her things that she loved,
which so is music.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
A keyboard is next to her bed, and along the
wall are two racks of clothes.
Speaker 7 (33:13):
There's a lot of like sewing stuff in here. And
then this is like her clothing of like thrifted clothes
she wanted to take and like repurpose or like reput
together to make.
Speaker 6 (33:26):
More fashion forward.
Speaker 7 (33:29):
And then just artwork everywhere.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
Wow, yeah, wow, I take it all in. Her clothing
rack has a mix of flower and leopard print dresses,
check her jackets and colorful flannel, a far cry from
the plain, non wardrobe she wore as a teenager. It's
another side of Alana that I'm beginning to see. And
(33:53):
the colors on her canvases of portraits and still lives
are luscious, deep purples, cherries, and pinks. Alana was definitely
an artist. I glanced at her bookshelf and one book
is turned outward Total surrender by mother Teresa, another reminder
of just how much her faith meant to her. The
(34:17):
objects in Alana's room reflect a vibrant life, which makes
me wonder how it all could have ended so abruptly,
especially as she was finally getting dedicated care and back
with Joy, Alana's best friend from kindergarten. We're sitting on
(34:40):
a bench at a lookout point at Davidson Mesa, the
trail she and Alana would often hike together. How are
you doing?
Speaker 11 (34:50):
Yeah, yeah, it's really nice to talk about her. Yeah,
it's hard, but it's good. Thank you. I have a letter.
Speaker 12 (35:02):
That she wrote me in treatment, so she said, it
does feel like such a gift that she wrote so much.
So thank you for the pictures and letters. Please thank
your mom for me too. I think my mom wrote
I miss everyone so much. It feels like I've been
gone forever. I'm doing really well here. All my sisters
in the house are so cool. We're like a family.
(35:24):
I have so much to tell you. I feel like
I can finally be myself without fear. When my parents
brought me here, they were scared shitless. They didn't know
what was going on or why it had to be
this way. They came again to visit this past weekend.
My dad said he was so relieved because he knew
somehow I had experienced a real transformation. I'm happy, and
(35:47):
I haven't felt that way in a very long time. Still,
I wake up every morning feeling inadequate. I've had a
recurring dream for the past six weeks that I have
a bajillion impossible task to do. Then I take a break,
but I'm still trying to do the tasks, and everyone
is mad and confused because I'm not supposed to be
(36:07):
on break. Then I go back and the tasks are
even more impossible. I mean, it sounds pretty accurate for
the stage I'm in in my life, but I don't
know why I keep having the same dream. When I
think of home, I realize I have very few people left.
I know that's partially my fault. I'm so grateful to
have you and that you never give up on me.
(36:29):
I'm finally learning not to give up on myself.
Speaker 11 (36:32):
I miss you so much. You have always been my
best friend, even though I've been distant.
Speaker 7 (36:37):
How are you?
Speaker 11 (36:38):
How is Sam? I can't believe you're already graduated. I
love you, sincerely, Alana. Then she says, ps, we have
two dogs at our house, Dixie and Bo. They're so cute.
I wish I could send a picture.
Speaker 1 (36:54):
As Alana finishes up her treatment in Arizona. She's anxious
about what she'll find back home. The past six months
have been hard and heavy, but also intoxicating. She's in love.
Speaker 5 (37:09):
I was taught that I couldn't trust my feelings, that
they would lead me down a dark road, lead me
to sin, lead me to hell. When I met Jessica,
I still believed that I couldn't listen to myself or
my true feelings. Love was driven out by fear. I
was so afraid that if I stayed with her, a
(37:30):
relationship would explode. I had valid concerns, but she's the
love of my life. The truth is, I love Jessica.
I can accept her shortcomings. I can accept her emotions,
and I know that she can accept mine.
Speaker 1 (37:51):
Alana's discovering an acceptance through Jessica, an acceptance that's been
so elusive and stained with fear and mistrust of herself.
I think about all the times I've second guessed myself,
my own thoughts and feelings. How impossibly raise her, thin
and unknown the path ahead was for me, how damned
I felt no matter what I did, how much I
(38:15):
needed a miracle.
Speaker 3 (38:18):
I will follow you, follow you wherever you.
Speaker 1 (38:25):
Might go next time. On Dear Alana, she.
Speaker 13 (38:29):
Was like in this struggle of wanting to share her
story because she knew it would be helpful to others.
She was scared of what people at the church would
say if they read the story.
Speaker 1 (38:39):
How Alana finds the courage to speak out.
Speaker 3 (38:45):
I will follow you ever since you touched my head?
Thank You.
Speaker 1 (38:54):
Dear Alana was created, hosted, and written by me Simon
Kentfang and is a production of Tenderfoot TV in association
with a Slept Audio and the Center for Independent Documentary.
It was produced by Lori Puliski, who also composed the music.
Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay. Our
supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional music by Makeup
(39:18):
and Vanity, Set sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our voice
actor is Alana Rabor and our credit song I Will
Follow You is Bye to Loose. Show notes and resources
can be found on our website Diarlana dot com. If
you enjoyed this episode, please take time to follow the show,
rate and review.
Speaker 3 (39:35):
Various sud Hanson Sohikoe, keep Me Away Away from the.
Speaker 1 (39:49):
Long Dear Alana is an eight part series released weekly.
If you can't wait until next week, subscribe to tenderfoot
Plus so you can binge the entire series right now.
(40:11):
Add free head to Apple Podcasts or tendorfootplus dot com
to subscribe now.
Dear Alana has released weekly and brought to you absolutely free.
But if you want to binge the whole season right now,
subscribe to tenderfoot Plus at tenderfootplus dot com or on
Apple Podcasts. You also get exclusive bonus episodes throughout the season.
For more information, check out the show notes. Enjoy the episode.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or
someone you know is in need of help, please contact
the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine to eight eight.
Listener discretion is advised.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Delier Guy.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Douausie.
Speaker 4 (00:55):
He lolla. I get there to the emergency hero there's
a couple of nuns and then there's father Peter on
his knees praying over Elana. She's crying and I'm just stunned.
I'm like, what the hell is going on here? And
(01:24):
I said I need to be alone with my daughter
and someone asked her, is that okay, Alana? And I'm
like what? And then she said yes, and they left.
Speaker 5 (01:35):
Lomas look at Alma Sa.
Speaker 4 (01:40):
And I was like, Alana, what is going on? You know?
Is this true? They're saying you're suicidal? Like what? I
don't I don't I was in shock and she just said, yes, Mom,
it's true, and I just I lost it. I was like,
I was so shocked.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
From Tenderfoot TV. I'm Simon and fun and this is
Dear Alana, Part six defiled.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
They were there every day, the nuns all day pretty much,
and we couldn't. We only had an hour to visit,
you know, five of us. And I asked the hospital
and they said they're clergy, they can do that. I
just remember the first day she had visiting hours. I
went there and she was crying so much.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Alana wasn't talking, and Joyce does not know what to do.
Her daughter was suicidal, the daughter that she thought was
out of all her kids, doing the best. Sure, Alana
had some teenage growing pains the sexuality question, but she
had so many good friends from Frisbee and a supportive family. Dazed,
(02:57):
Joyce rushes home and goes through Alana's bedrooms.
Speaker 4 (03:01):
I got anything out of her room that was sharp,
and she had all these tools from architecture.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
As she's safety proofing the room, Joyce stumbles across a
stack of notebooks Alana's journals. Not one to snoop normally,
Joyce feels she has to make an exception to begin
to find answers.
Speaker 4 (03:19):
I read all the journals that I found, and I,
like Sophia, would come home every day and I'd be
hysterically crying, and she said, Mom, this isn't helping. And
because I never I just was in shocked too. I
didn't know any of this.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
It was surprise after surprise. She reads about Father Dave
and Father Peter, their ongoing spiritual advice, about Alana's intense
love for God, and for the first time she comes
across entries like this one, which Joyce has bookmarked. She
shows it to me as I sit in her kitchen.
Speaker 4 (03:57):
December eighth, Thursday. How I feel, what I hear? How
I see? I am a failure, moral failure, obsessed, addicted, selfish, starving, impure, disordered,
messed up, repeating, lustful thoughts, lonely, incomplete, empty, wasteful, useless, sensitive, prideful,
(04:19):
self seeking, praise seeking, desperate for love and affection, Unable
to receive true love, closed off to truth, no one
to talk to, no one to understand, can't make eye
contact with Mom or anyone. Just want it to end
to be fixed. I don't know the way out it
is too much to bear, can't stay pure for one hour?
(04:42):
Too much shame? Just watch TV or music, drown out,
Feel too much, don't know how I feel, think too much,
don't know what I'm thinking? Time to reach out? Where
do I reach?
Speaker 1 (05:01):
A picture of deep shame was emerging from Milana's journals,
but there were earlier clues that had escaped anyone's radar,
including an incident almost a year earlier.
Speaker 6 (05:11):
I remember a year prior, at the dinner table at Christmas.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
This is her younger sister, Sophia. Again.
Speaker 6 (05:19):
I had noticed these markings on her arm and I
was like, Alana, what's that? At the whole dinner too,
and she was like, Sophia.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Stop, Like Alana tries to hide the cuts below her
left shoulder from her sister.
Speaker 6 (05:32):
I thought she had branded herself, like something stupid she
had done with her friends or something, but it wasn't.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
That at all, and they quickly excused themselves from the table.
Speaker 3 (05:41):
She brought me.
Speaker 6 (05:42):
Upstairs and Salana, what is that? And I was like,
did you brand yourself? Did you do this to yourself?
I was like, what did you do? She was like,
you can't tell anyone, But we still wasn't something we
ever talked about. I can't you to see that.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Yeah, Joyce is showing me a page in one of
Alana's journals. It's unlike any of the others. It's an
ink drying with sharp barbs and wild scribbles surrounding seven
giant letters D E F, I, L ED defiled. This
is what Alana had cut into her arm.
Speaker 5 (06:28):
There's a lot to say, Jesus, I don't know where
to begin. I'm hurting so much. I'm stressed because of school,
and I don't know who I can trust and who
I can be vulnerable with. I just drink poison looking
(06:49):
up how to have sex with women. Jesus, Jesus, I
took a blade and carved the word defiled into my arm.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Alana was tormented by where her same sex attractions were
leading her.
Speaker 5 (07:11):
I don't remember everything that happened when I cut myself.
I know it was late at night. I was in
my room, the lamp was on. I felt hopeless, every
exhale dragging me down. I needed a release, something to
(07:32):
take this draining feeling away. I don't know how I
thought of that word defiled. I felt like my body
was stained, covered in filth, that's what the voices told me.
That I had sinned, that I was irrepairable, I had
(07:55):
profaned the temple, I had taken God's gift and squandered it.
I wanted to punish myself. I wanted to make it real.
Speaker 4 (08:10):
It's just like, it's like it's so wrong, it's so
insane and unfair. It be like she was so good
and then you get this from what Like It's like,
what kind of God do they teach about? I don't know, Simon.
(08:31):
I want to, like, I really want to go there
and confront them because I feel like I didn't know
all this time this was going on, like this young life,
this is what half of it was. It kills me.
Speaker 7 (08:50):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (08:51):
I like, this is where I go. I have to
do something and.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Ool I can hear Joyce's agitation. She wants to do something,
confront the people who planted these seeds of shame in
her daughter. But religion is complicated. We often find both
shame and comfort from the same ancient faith, as Alana
clearly did. After a week in the hospital, Alana returns home.
(09:22):
She withdraws from the fall semester at CU and her
mother seeks out additional help my.
Speaker 6 (09:28):
Mom my full mama bear mode and was taken care of.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
The situation after many nights. Researching online, Joyce discovers an
inpatient treatment facility specializing in depression and anxiety recovery. It's
in Tennessee, and Alana agrees to go. The admission notes,
which we were only able to obtain after her death,
are telling. I begin to read through the report. Name
(09:55):
client prefers to be called Alana Chen Chief complaint.
Speaker 5 (10:03):
Sexual addiction, depression, suicidal.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Thoughts, spiritual and religious background.
Speaker 5 (10:11):
Please describe When I was thirteen, I experienced a mystical thing.
I was in confession about the sexual addiction and it
was taken away from me for like years.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
What is the client's sexual orientation homosexual? Does the client
have any concerns about her sexuality?
Speaker 5 (10:32):
I'm really Catholic, so my beliefs I'm always in conflict.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Has the client experienced other events that were abusive or traumatic?
Speaker 5 (10:43):
I think my parents fighting all the time was pretty traumatic.
We lived in constant fear they were going to get
a divorce.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
How does the client perceive these experiences have affected her?
Speaker 5 (10:57):
I always wanted to be the peacemaker because I didn't
want them to get divorced. I felt like it was
my responsibility for everything to be okay. Like if I
was there, then I felt like the fighting would stop.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
What is the client's motivation level for recovery?
Speaker 5 (11:16):
Three out of ten?
Speaker 1 (11:18):
What is motivating the client for treatment?
Speaker 5 (11:22):
If if I don't get better, I will kill myself.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Alana is admitted for recurrent and severe depression and self harm.
She spends the next three months at the treatment facility,
where she gets a range of targeted, evidence based therapies,
including dialectical behavioral therapy to reduce her suicidality, group therapy,
and adventure therapy. At the nearby state park. She goes
(11:58):
to classes on nutrition and mindfulness, and even spends time
with horses. One weekend, the treatment facility invites Alana's family
to come in for a visit. Alana seems to be
making progress and her family is excited to see her. Carissa,
her older sister, remembers the significance of this time because
that's when Alana came out to her.
Speaker 8 (12:19):
I guess I was hopeful that, like as she was
telling me and her family that she was feeling open
and starting, that she could start to live into who
she really was. To me, it's like, oh, you're gay.
Speaker 9 (12:33):
Be gay.
Speaker 8 (12:33):
Drop all the church stuff, like forget about it. Leave
that world. Like they don't love you or see you
for who you are, then who cares?
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Meanwhile, Joyce still feels in the dark. Alana's mainly confiding
in her friends back home, particularly her church community, and
Joyce reaches out to the Saint Tom's crowd to ask
them to give Alana some space, But from Alana's treatment notes,
this actually has the opposite effect.
Speaker 5 (13:00):
I'm considering placing some serious limitations on my mother. Every
time I tell her anything, she blames and tries to
change my belief system. Every suggestion she makes to me,
she's trying to change my belief system. My belief system
is one of the most core parts of my identity,
and I can't surround myself with people that don't accept
me without trying to change me.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
As I read her journal entries from this time and treatment,
I'm struck by the irony of the situation. Alana's frustrated
with her mother. She feels like she's the one who
doesn't understand or accept her, not the church community that
she's gone to such great lengths to try to change herself.
For from Joyce's perspective, the contact with Father Dave and
the sisters needs to stop. Something's not right about the
(13:46):
level of influence they're having over her. But for Alana,
it's her church that seems to provide a locus of
stability for her while she's in treatment.
Speaker 5 (13:55):
I think the prozac is keeping me alive. The only
thing I care about right now are these nuns that
I'm friends with. They love me, they don't get scared
of my emotions and problems. They make me laugh, they
don't judge me.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
It's one am, and just as I'm about to fall asleep,
my heart starts racing and I'm jolted up. This has
never happened to me. I feel oddly afraid, but of why.
I'm safe in my bed. My dog is lying next
to me and there's no noise that startled me. It
(14:46):
happens like this for the next few hours until I
manage to doze off, exhausted. I've never had a panic
attack before in my life. After months spent researching conversion therapy,
re listening to talks, reading Alana's journals, I've been feeling
a lot of emotions coming back. I thought I'd moved
(15:09):
on from this time in my life, like I'm reading
a story about my past, but a part of me
still feels attached to these ideas, and I feel jumpy
and anxious all the time, like there's still something unresolved.
As difficult as this is for me, I know it's
just a small dose of what Alana must have been
going through her hospital records, texts, and emails give us
(15:33):
insight into how she felt during this time in treatment.
Joyce remembers how Alana kept a tight lid on what
she was telling her family. From her texts, I can
see that Alana gives Father Dave the play by play
of her hospital admissions. He checks in with her frequently,
calling the treatment center to figure out how he can
visit her. From her emails, it looks like after Alana
(15:56):
was hospitalized, her spiritual mentors were sending her resources. There's
a barrage of blog emails from Father Dave, like when
he sends her just two weeks after her suicide, scare
about embracing the Cross and choosing Christ over the gay lifestyle.
There's a note from a nine the week before, encouraging
Alana to attend a woman's retreat run by Courage, the
(16:18):
Catholic support group for those struggling with SSA. As I
scroll back chronologically, I come across an email written by
Alana herself, dated just a few months before her hospitalization.
Speaker 5 (16:31):
Hi. There, my pastor, father, Peter Mussett, has continued to
recommend that I attend the Living Waters Leadership training week
this summer. I am a college student at the University
of Colorado, I'm a Catholic, and I struggle with SSA.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
I recognize the group Living Waters immediately. This is bringing
back so many memories.
Speaker 10 (16:53):
We have people in our churches who look in the
mirror and don't know their own gender, who seriously believe
that they're best friend or their sexual completion.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
Living Waters was founded in the eighties by a man
who struggled with SSA and later married a woman and
had children. I remember his success story being such a
source of hope for me when I was a teenager
secretly researching conversion therapies online. I can't believe Alana is
being steered here over a decade later. This is their
promotional video from twenty sixteen.
Speaker 10 (17:24):
We provide a one week training where your wounded healers
come to provide these kinds of in depth healing opportunities.
Come and substantiate the claim.
Speaker 9 (17:36):
That your church makes that Jesus really is the way,
the truth, and the life for all persons to be
set by all manner of sexual and gender problems.
Speaker 10 (17:47):
Come to the Living Waters Training.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
I got my hands on their training workbook. Itsites conversion
therapy theorists like Elizabeth Moberly and Joe of Nicolosi. It
also features fourteen case studies of people claiming to be
healed from homosexuality. I spoke with several people who attended
or were leaders for this program who estimated that half
of the participants in their groups were homosexuals looking to
(18:16):
become straight. So even though it's not publicly advertised, people
who want to attend this program, like Alana and me
when I was a teenager, know exactly what they're signing
up for. A day after Alana emails the Living Waters
Training program, she gets a reply. It says, we are
excited about the prospect of having you with us. Unfortunately,
(18:38):
we do not offer scholarships for our programs. We encourage
all of the participants to raise support. It's unclear if
Alana ever finds the money to go. Remember this is
just a few months before her suicide's scare, but she's
clearly doing her research and trying her best to access
these resources. After she returns home from her treatment center
(18:59):
and to see Alana begs her mother to take her
to a local therapist, a new one on the Advice
of the Nuns. At this point, Joyce is on high alert.
She's read a lot of Alana's journals and is extra
cautious about anyone counseling her daughter about her sexuality. Something
on this therapist's website, however, sounds suspicious to her. She
(19:22):
can't put her finger on it and didn't know the
terminology of conversion therapy at the time, but it raises
an alarm.
Speaker 4 (19:28):
There was like one sentence in her description on the website,
and I was like, no, way like And Alana was like, Mommy,
that's not only reason why I want to go, and
she does way more than that, and I was like,
I don't care what she does. And I remember leaving
a message on the Sisters of Life's machine like call me.
I was angry.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
I'm on this therapist's website and it looks pretty generic.
It says she's a licensed professional counselor in private practice
since ninety three and young professor at Denver Seminary specializes
in faith based individuals client centered. She seems pretty standard
and innocuous. And then I have the idea to go
(20:12):
to the internet archive to look up the snapshot of
the therapist's website from October twenty sixteen, when Alana booked
her appointment. This lets me see the archived version of
the website from that time. Oh wow, it looks totally different.
It says her specialty is female same sex attraction and
(20:33):
emotional dependencies. The site is classic repairative Therapy. We honor
all people's right to self determination, including their authentic desire
to diminish or alter their experience of same sex attractions.
We will support men and women with same sex attraction
who want to explore opposite sex intimacy. Oh, she's got
(20:54):
a book. She's promoting her book that's got endorsements from
Joseph Nicolosi and the founder of Living Waters. I look
up the therapist's name and it turns out she was
on the board of NARTH, the Conversion Therapy Network. There
was a time when this kind of therapy was practiced
(21:15):
quite openly, but over the last twenty years, due to
the questionable scientific validity of conversion therapy, it's been largely debunked.
The largest X gay ministry, Exodus International, shut down in
twenty thirteen because its leadership admitted to lying about its
claims and recognize the harm they were causing. Many ministries
and therapists have since gone underground. Some even now make
(21:38):
an effort to deny they ever practice conversion therapy at all,
but from these Internet archives, I can plainly see that
that's not factually true. So Alana's getting these resources from
her spiritual mentors who are encouraging her to seek more
help to treat her sexuality. She's already been in therapy
(21:59):
at Saint tom for the past two years with Kate,
but after the suicide scare and the three month treatment
facility in Tennessee, Joyce wants to be extra cautious. She
doesn't know exactly what Alana learned in her formal therapy
and informal spiritual direction, but she knows that her daughter
is not out of the woods, so she frantically looks
for more help.
Speaker 4 (22:20):
And then that's when I started to get her. I
remember scrambling how A might Where am I going to
have her go?
Speaker 1 (22:26):
Joyce finds her another live in treatment facility, this time
in Arizona, where she hopes Alana can get specialized counseling
for spiritual trauma, among other things. It's another three month
program and the family is maxing out their finances to
give her the best care they can afford. They pack
her bags and get her settled in in Scottsdale. It's
(22:47):
here that Alana meets someone who will challenge everything she believes.
While at her treatment program in Arizona, Alana meets a
girl named Jessica through one of her roommates. They hit
it off and soon start texting regularly. They hang out
as a group with the other girls in the treatment program,
(23:09):
go to the pool, have meals together, and within a
few weeks, Alana starts developing feelings for her.
Speaker 5 (23:17):
No one is like Jessica. She is so beautiful and unique.
I don't know anyone like her.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Things escalate and they start spending more time together.
Speaker 5 (23:28):
I think I'm falling in love with Jessica. I'm thinking
about her all the time. I want to know her.
When she has wrinkles, and gray hair. I want to
give her my heart. I know that will be hard
and it will take time, but that's what I want
to do. I miss Jessica. There's this pretty song by
(23:53):
Regina Specter called Jessica. It's beautiful the way she sings
her name. She saw the world so differently yet so
the same. I really think I was am in love
with her. I've just always been afraid. I sent her
(24:13):
that song.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Her journals are filled with pages of melancholy one day
and exuberance the next. This is her first real relationship.
Speaker 5 (24:22):
Jessica. I think about you every day. I know you
don't always believe it. You said you love reading my thoughts,
so here they are. I'll give you my thoughts. I
think about our emails. It's ridiculous that that's the way
we have to correspond. I think about how romantic that is,
how romantic an email can be. I think, Jessica, you
(24:47):
take me back to sixth grade, to the first time
I ever told someone that I liked them. It was
over email. Jessica, you take me back to the first
I ever knew of love.
Speaker 7 (25:03):
There she is. This was in Arizona and.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
With Carissa, Alana's older sister and we're looking through a
family photo album.
Speaker 7 (25:13):
I think this is one where Alana's girlfriend was with
us because she lived in the area. But like she
we invited her to dinner, and I think we knew
that she was Alana's girlfriend, but my aunts and uncles
like she hadn't come out to them yet. Yeah, we
just like didn't make it a thing. And Alanna and
Jessica kissed in the car, like thinking no one saw them,
(25:35):
and then our like five year old cousin Brandon was like,
I saw them kiss and my uncle's like, Na, you
did it, Like, don't say that, And then like kind
of became a thing, but not really.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
Did you did? You had to meet Jessau right, Yeah,
what did you think about her?
Speaker 7 (25:52):
She's hilarious, probably like the funniest, one of the funniest
people I ever met. But I only in my her
a few times, and I know they had like a
somewhat tumultuous relationship.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
Their relationship had its fair share of ups and downs.
Alana would initiate multiple breakups over the next few months,
often driven by her own uncertainty over dating women. I
wasn't able to get a hold of Jessica to hear
her perspective, but people described her as Alana's opposite, extroverted, short,
not into hiking. Still, Alana was smitten, Jessica has mentioned
(26:31):
over two hundred times in her journals. I think back
to myself at Alana's age. I never thought a relationship
was possible for me. The idea of me being with
a woman seemed so distant, and from everything I learned,
a gay relationship would have been destined to fail. If
homosexuality was caused by psychological instability, then putting two gay
(26:55):
people together was a recipe for disaster, according to the theory.
I didn't consider whether this narrative was set up to
scare me from ever trying, and I wonder if Alana
had the same doubts.
Speaker 5 (27:08):
Dear Jessica, I love you so much. I think I've
fallen in love with you, but I feel crazy. I
am crazy. You know I'm crazy. I'm so sorry I'm
doing this again. It's not because I don't love you.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you,
(27:29):
but I need to heal first. I don't want to
keep hurting you because I know someday you won't be
able to handle it. Anymore. You are so strong. You've
been waiting for me this whole time, but I've been distracted.
I need to make some serious changes in my life.
I know I caused so much drama in our.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Relationship, and yet, in spite of the theories, Alana has
hoped that she and Jessica.
Speaker 5 (27:56):
Can be together someday. I want to wake up with
you every morning. I want to have breakfast burritos and moke.
Was that Lola's with you. I want to go camping
with you. I want to go on date nights and
I want to go to the beach with you. I
want you. I want to do everything with you. I
need you, I love you. I'm so in love with you,
(28:17):
and I don't tell you that enough. I'm going to
get better for you, Jessica. We are going to be okay.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Once Alana starts to date Jessica, the tone of her
journals starts to change. It's as if she's processing her
past in a way she's never done before.
Speaker 5 (28:34):
At first, I said it was no big deal, a
small thing that God could handle, just a few crossed
wires in the brain that I could get through it.
They said it was a disordered desire that it could
never be fulfilling or lead to true happiness. They said
it wasn't my identity. It wasn't as big of a
thing as I was making it out to be. Then
(28:58):
they said it was a sin against nature, sure that
it offended God. They said it was a very big cross,
a very hard thing to get through. They said the
devil was working hard to destroy me. I feel like
I've been fooled all this time. I'm so angry, I'm hurt.
(29:18):
I still feel broken.
Speaker 1 (29:21):
Alana's describing something that I've never been able to articulate
for myself, this constant tension between mortal existential peril on
the one hand, and on the other hand, the message
of no big deal, this isn't a significant part of
your identity anyways, Like you simultaneously should and shouldn't feel
absolutely terrified about your attractions.
Speaker 5 (29:43):
At some point in college, Alana decided she needed to
start being honest with God. She couldn't hide her pain
from him or herself any longer.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
In this entry, Alana writes in the third person, like
she's telling a story about herself in hindsight.
Speaker 5 (29:58):
Before she was able to distract herself keep herself busy
but she couldn't do it anymore. Her prayers were filled
with moaning and sobbing and thrashing. Alana lived in darkness.
She begged God to take her same sex attraction away,
but deep down, she didn't want that. She wanted to
(30:20):
be accepted just as she was. She wanted God to
say that it was okay. The pain never went away,
It only grew bigger. She couldn't sleep, she couldn't enjoy
things the way she used to. She felt completely isolated
from her family, her church, her friends, and frisbee team.
(30:42):
She never felt good enough. She had to do whatever
she could to be good and to please God to
make it to heaven. She was so afraid of disappointing God.
Speaker 4 (30:57):
This is our neighborhood, by and.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
With Carissa, and she's driving me outside of Boulder to
visit their childhood home, the one where her dad still
lives after the divorce. This is the house that Alana
grew up in. The neighborhood is quaint and suburban, with
neat lawns lined with four bedroom houses.
Speaker 7 (31:16):
We were the cul de sac kids on roller blades
another little thing I made everyone do. Yeah, this is
our cul de sac over here. And then we would
also like ride our bike up super fast and like
come down here and definitely had a few falls.
Speaker 1 (31:33):
Their houses at the end of the street overlooking a
giant field.
Speaker 7 (31:38):
Alana like loved this open space too. We get like
some really pretty sunsets. So yeah, Boulder Bowder mountains.
Speaker 4 (31:49):
And this is our house with all the cars because.
Speaker 7 (31:51):
My dad is a car guy, I know.
Speaker 1 (32:01):
Crisa shows me around the house. It's carpeted and has
a lot of stuff, mail and boxes and framed photoclauges
her mom made for each of the kids high school graduations,
dog toys. The fridge is covered in family photos. She's
wearing a rainbow sure that says I love me. How
(32:23):
old do you think she's in there?
Speaker 4 (32:24):
Perfect?
Speaker 7 (32:26):
I don't know.
Speaker 11 (32:27):
Eight?
Speaker 8 (32:28):
Is that too young?
Speaker 7 (32:28):
I'm really bad at knowing age.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
As we head upstairs to Alana's bedroom, I'm feeling emotional
right now, like I'm about to see the place where
she wrote her journals, the journals I've been reading all
this time.
Speaker 8 (32:44):
And then this is a.
Speaker 7 (32:48):
Most I stayed exactly this.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
It's a medium sized room with a twin bed by
the window and a small bookshelf. The book Walden by
Henry David Thureaux. Sits on top of her cover so
you can.
Speaker 7 (33:01):
See she like had all of her things that she loved,
which so is music.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
A keyboard is next to her bed, and along the
wall are two racks of clothes.
Speaker 7 (33:13):
There's a lot of like sewing stuff in here. And
then this is like her clothing of like thrifted clothes
she wanted to take and like repurpose or like reput
together to make.
Speaker 6 (33:26):
More fashion forward.
Speaker 7 (33:29):
And then just artwork everywhere.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
Wow, yeah, wow, I take it all in. Her clothing
rack has a mix of flower and leopard print dresses,
check her jackets and colorful flannel, a far cry from
the plain, non wardrobe she wore as a teenager. It's
another side of Alana that I'm beginning to see. And
(33:53):
the colors on her canvases of portraits and still lives
are luscious, deep purples, cherries, and pinks. Alana was definitely
an artist. I glanced at her bookshelf and one book
is turned outward Total surrender by mother Teresa, another reminder
of just how much her faith meant to her. The
(34:17):
objects in Alana's room reflect a vibrant life, which makes
me wonder how it all could have ended so abruptly,
especially as she was finally getting dedicated care and back
with Joy, Alana's best friend from kindergarten. We're sitting on
(34:40):
a bench at a lookout point at Davidson Mesa, the
trail she and Alana would often hike together. How are
you doing?
Speaker 11 (34:50):
Yeah, yeah, it's really nice to talk about her. Yeah,
it's hard, but it's good. Thank you. I have a letter.
Speaker 12 (35:02):
That she wrote me in treatment, so she said, it
does feel like such a gift that she wrote so much.
So thank you for the pictures and letters. Please thank
your mom for me too. I think my mom wrote
I miss everyone so much. It feels like I've been
gone forever. I'm doing really well here. All my sisters
in the house are so cool. We're like a family.
(35:24):
I have so much to tell you. I feel like
I can finally be myself without fear. When my parents
brought me here, they were scared shitless. They didn't know
what was going on or why it had to be
this way. They came again to visit this past weekend.
My dad said he was so relieved because he knew
somehow I had experienced a real transformation. I'm happy, and
(35:47):
I haven't felt that way in a very long time. Still,
I wake up every morning feeling inadequate. I've had a
recurring dream for the past six weeks that I have
a bajillion impossible task to do. Then I take a break,
but I'm still trying to do the tasks, and everyone
is mad and confused because I'm not supposed to be
(36:07):
on break. Then I go back and the tasks are
even more impossible. I mean, it sounds pretty accurate for
the stage I'm in in my life, but I don't
know why I keep having the same dream. When I
think of home, I realize I have very few people left.
I know that's partially my fault. I'm so grateful to
have you and that you never give up on me.
(36:29):
I'm finally learning not to give up on myself.
Speaker 11 (36:32):
I miss you so much. You have always been my
best friend, even though I've been distant.
Speaker 7 (36:37):
How are you?
Speaker 11 (36:38):
How is Sam? I can't believe you're already graduated. I
love you, sincerely, Alana. Then she says, ps, we have
two dogs at our house, Dixie and Bo. They're so cute.
I wish I could send a picture.
Speaker 1 (36:54):
As Alana finishes up her treatment in Arizona. She's anxious
about what she'll find back home. The past six months
have been hard and heavy, but also intoxicating. She's in love.
Speaker 5 (37:09):
I was taught that I couldn't trust my feelings, that
they would lead me down a dark road, lead me
to sin, lead me to hell. When I met Jessica,
I still believed that I couldn't listen to myself or
my true feelings. Love was driven out by fear. I
was so afraid that if I stayed with her, a
(37:30):
relationship would explode. I had valid concerns, but she's the
love of my life. The truth is, I love Jessica.
I can accept her shortcomings. I can accept her emotions,
and I know that she can accept mine.
Speaker 1 (37:51):
Alana's discovering an acceptance through Jessica, an acceptance that's been
so elusive and stained with fear and mistrust of herself.
I think about all the times I've second guessed myself,
my own thoughts and feelings. How impossibly raise her, thin
and unknown the path ahead was for me, how damned
I felt no matter what I did, how much I
(38:15):
needed a miracle.
Speaker 3 (38:18):
I will follow you, follow you wherever you.
Speaker 1 (38:25):
Might go next time. On Dear Alana, she.
Speaker 13 (38:29):
Was like in this struggle of wanting to share her
story because she knew it would be helpful to others.
She was scared of what people at the church would
say if they read the story.
Speaker 1 (38:39):
How Alana finds the courage to speak out.
Speaker 3 (38:45):
I will follow you ever since you touched my head?
Thank You.
Speaker 1 (38:54):
Dear Alana was created, hosted, and written by me Simon
Kentfang and is a production of Tenderfoot TV in association
with a Slept Audio and the Center for Independent Documentary.
It was produced by Lori Puliski, who also composed the music.
Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay. Our
supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional music by Makeup
(39:18):
and Vanity, Set sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our voice
actor is Alana Rabor and our credit song I Will
Follow You is Bye to Loose. Show notes and resources
can be found on our website Diarlana dot com. If
you enjoyed this episode, please take time to follow the show,
rate and review.
Speaker 3 (39:35):
Various sud Hanson Sohikoe, keep Me Away Away from the.
Speaker 1 (39:49):
Long Dear Alana is an eight part series released weekly.
If you can't wait until next week, subscribe to tenderfoot
Plus so you can binge the entire series right now.
(40:11):
Add free head to Apple Podcasts or tendorfootplus dot com
to subscribe now.
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