September 25, 2023 • 45 mins
Alana’s mother seeks justice amidst the Church’s denial. Simon confronts his past. And another tragedy befalls the Chen household, destroying almost everything.
This episode contains references to suicide. If you or someone you know is in need of help, please contact the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988. Listener discretion is advised.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or
someone you know is in need of help, please contact
the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine eight eight.
Listener discretion is advised.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
I slept through an early morning text for my mom,
and when I wake up and check my phone, I
find her message. Your grandmother passed away this morning around
three am. I call my mom immediately. My grandma, who's
ninety four, hasn't been in good health for a while now.
We were close, but as her health declined, our monthly
(00:39):
phone calls tapered off, and whenever I'd visit, we'd often
just sit together in silence. But this news still comes
as a shock to me. The funeral is set forward
two and a half weeks from now. As I think
about the trip home, my stomach tightens into a knot.
Everyone in my family will be at the funeral, including
my cousin Vivian. Years ago, when she walked out of
(01:01):
that car after coming out to me, we stopped talking.
I have no idea where she's at today. I don't
even know what city she lives in, and there's a
version of the funeral where I could show up and
greet her politely and then never talk to her again,
continuing the streak. But I think about Alana and there's
absolutely no way that I can let that happen. A
(01:22):
friend suggests I write to Vivian before the funeral. She
could read my message or ignore it, but it would
still give her an opportunity to know what's on my heart.
So over the course of a few days, I draft
this email. Dear Vivian, I know it's been a while
(01:49):
since we've spoken. You may not have any interest to
hear from me, which I totally understand, but I hope
you'll give me a chance, as it contains a lot
of things that I've been afraid to tell you and
which I think you deserve to hear first. I'm gay.
It's taken me the last twenty years to come to
terms with this, the first fifteen of which were spent
(02:12):
running away by seeking desperately to get rid of it.
Everything I told you that time in the car about
finding counseling for your sexuality, I pursued myself. I thought
that by working hard enough God would take this away.
It didn't happen, and I'm still working through the shame
and self hatred these efforts perpetuated. I'm sad that at
(02:33):
a young age we both had to suffer in isolation. Second,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not having the courage to
be honest about my own struggle. I'm sorry for the
ways my words alienated you and made you feel so
alone and misunderstood. I'm sorry for trying to change you.
(02:54):
I'm sorry for my pride that kept me from saying
any of these things earlier. And I understand if they're
all too little, too late. You know, I've often thought
about how much courage it took for you to come
out at the age and time you did. I certainly
didn't have this courage, and at one point I thought
you were making a big mistake or moral concession. It's
(03:16):
been humbling to recognize how wrong I was, and so
I ask for your forgiveness. We may never be as
close as when we were kids, but I hope at
some point we could restart things. I'm always curious what
you're up to. Hope this doesn't make everything more awkward
next week, looking forward to seeing you from Tenderfoot TV.
(03:44):
I'm Simon kent Fung, and this is Dear Alana. Part eight.
The Saint. It's been over two years since Alana's death,
and on a Sunday afternoon, a group of around thirty
people holding red roses is gathered in front of Saint
(04:04):
Thom's Alana's church. Joyce stands at the front of the group,
next to a smiling portrait of Alana. They're here today
to conduct a peaceful vigil, a demonstration of sorts in
memory of Alana. This was Joyce's idea.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
Yeah, singing, singing for us.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
The crowd is a mix of Joyce's friends and family,
supporters from out Boulder County, the LGBTQ organization that helped
organize the event, and other locals who've joined the vigil.
It's the first time that Joyce has done anything this public,
and although the turnout is small, it's enough to bring
out the local news who asked Joyce to talk about
why she's here.
Speaker 3 (04:49):
I just wanted to let them know we know, and
you know that if other people come up to us,
it's students. It's usually young people, ca students. I want
them to know that this is wrong. You can love
God and be any religion. If you're LGBTQ or anybody,
that this is a bad teaching force someone to die
(05:12):
by suicide.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Joyce is hopeful that she'll be able to speak to
students as they show up for the six pm Mass,
but the vigil is largely ignored, except for a middle
aged member of Saint Tom's who watches from the door
with his arms crossed. Students brush by Joyce without saying
a word, and only one person stops to talk, sharing
the recent loss of her own brother to suicide. As
(05:35):
the vigil concludes with a few more songs and the
loss of Joyce's friends have gone home, the man who's
been watching from the top of the stairs picks up
the roses left from the vigil and throws them in
the garbage. I knew at some point I'd be right here,
standing inside Saint Tom's with the goal of talking to
(05:57):
Father Peter. The sunlight filtered through the small windows along
the side aisles, making the church extra cozy. I take
a seat at the back as the pews fill up
with students. They're all nodding along to Father Peter, who's
reflecting on the Gospel reading where Jesus brings over a
child and tells his apostles that whoever wishes to be greatest,
(06:18):
must be the least, the first, must be the last.
I'm kind of mesmerized listening to him. He's goofy and
self deprecating and personal. He talks about how we need
wisdom to encounter each other truthfully. He builds to a
passionate crescendo, saying, I want someone to encounter me like
Jesus does. Not their idea of me, not their anger
(06:40):
about me. I want someone to encounter me. And I
find myself nodding along, but I feel mixed up inside.
This hipster priest who seems to be doing such great
work for the church in the community, who's doing exactly
what I've always wished I was doing with my life.
This is the same guy whose church, according to the
(07:00):
Denver Post, hosted Alana's Catholic therapist, the therapist who Alana
said made things worse. It was Father Peter who insisted
that Alana applied to the Living Waters program that claims
to heal the sexually and relationally broken, the one she
couldn't afford. It was under Father Peter's watch that those
books filled with conversion therapy theories were stocked in the
(07:22):
Saint Thom's library and yet I know that at some
level he's simply doing his job, and I'm beginning to
see how messed up that actually is. I reached out
to former staff and students at Saint Thom's. Of the
ones who agreed to talk, they said that after Alana died,
there was a deafening silence. They don't recall anything officially
(07:45):
organized by Saint Thom's to acknowledge Alana's passing, but the
parish did make a public statement.
Speaker 4 (07:51):
Now, he did reach out to the Saint Thomas Aquinas
Church in Boulder, the church chen attendant. They released the
following statement, reading, in part, she will be greatly missed.
Striving to be a community who welcomes anyone and everyone,
as Jesus did, we reject any practices that are manipulative
and forced. We believe that every person is a beloved
child of God and should be treated with dignity, mercy,
(08:13):
and reverence.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
As I listened to this statement from Saint Thom's, I'm
feeling frustrated. It strikes me as an empty thoughts and
prayers kind of statement, and its denial of practices that
are manipulative and coerced seems like a semantic cover. The
controversy over the role of the church in Alana's death
spreads locally, and the Archdiocese of Denver spokesperson doubles down
(08:41):
with a stronger statement. In an interview with the Denver Post,
he says, quote, never once was conversion therapy practiced. It
was never discussed with her or suggested to her. It's
not something we do.
Speaker 5 (08:54):
In a statement from the archdiocese, they say if someone
wants to better understand the church's teaching on marriage and
sexual relations, that they lovingly try to share with them
what Catholics believe is God's design for sexuality. They say, quote,
it is not conversion therapy to teach about the beauty
of a life of chastity.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Now, normally I would rush to defend the church from
unfair media attacks. I once wrote a letter to the
editor defending the church's moral authority in the face of relativism.
But I just don't know what to make of these
official statements. They feel heartbreakingly dishonest. Never once was conversion
therapy practiced. From the pages and pages of Alana's own
(09:34):
words to the therapists and church ministries, Alana sought out
over the years that taught her to view her sexuality
as a pathology that needed to be repaired. I don't
know how this denial makes any sense. Alana, like me,
sought out these therapies and ministries precisely to follow the church.
We took the advice of our spiritual mentors, pursuing all
(09:57):
of the resources they directed us to. How can they
say that none of this ever happened. After Mass, I
wait in the pews, and as the church clears out,
I knock on the door of the priest change room.
Father Peter answers, surprised, and I introduce myself. He's cordial,
(10:17):
but Kurt, he makes it clear that he's not willing
to talk about Alana. She was a beloved member of
this community, he says, adding my previous public statement is
so deeply true, I cannot add any more. Father Peter
and I have mutual friends, and I learned from them
that after Alana's death, the church building was vandalized. So
(10:41):
I understand his weariness, but I'm still disappointed. Joyce tells
me that to this day, Father Peter has not reached
out to her family. I ask her about the other priest,
Alana's spiritual director. Father Dave.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
Oh, he has a blog that's really sick. He has
a picture of Alana in Rwanda because she did a
trip with him in this group, and he says her
new age mother is the one that wouldn't let her
go to church, and that's why this happened.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
I look up the blog posts she's referring to. They
were written after Alana's passing. Father. Dave is pretty defensive,
posting the letter that Alana wrote advocating for him while
he was being moved around. He alleges that quote Alana's
friends would all say today that the closer she was
to the Catholic Church, the better was her mental health
(11:34):
end quote. But according to Joy, Alana's oldest friend, this
is patently false and it contradicts Alana's own statement to
the Denver Post. I think the.
Speaker 6 (11:44):
Church's council is what led me to be hospitalized. I
was feeling so much shame that I was comforted by
the thought of hurting myself.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
He continues, quote Alana was never abandoned by her Catholic
clergy and religious sisters, but rather she was abruptly cut
off from the lifeline she chose for herself and loved
the Catholic Church by the interventions of her own mother. Wow,
he's shifting the blame omitting key details about Alana's life.
(12:18):
But we know the truth from Milana's own words.
Speaker 6 (12:21):
When I went to treatment, Rachel, father Peter, Father Dave,
and the sisters were the only ones that I trusted.
They were the only ones that stayed by my side.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
But as I.
Speaker 6 (12:32):
Became more true to myself, I guess they didn't see
the need to mentor me. I feel misled and abandoned.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
We know that it was Alana's own choice to step
away from the church in order to protect her mental health.
We even have that publicly on the record. Father Dave's
opinion seems woefully uninformed by Alana's own words, but shouldn't
he know better. In their last text exchange two years
before her death, when he warned her about speaking against
(13:04):
the church, Alana told.
Speaker 6 (13:05):
Him, I don't speak against the church because I have pride.
I speak against the church because I have real and
deep pain. I'm distancing myself from the church right now
because I don't feel safe, or loved or accepted.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Father Dave may not have realized that one day their
texts would be uncovered and directly contradict his public statements.
Looking at his blog now, it strikes me what great
lengths he's going to to define the narrative around Alana's death.
Unlike Father Peter, who stayed out of the public eye,
Father Dave has gone out of his way to try
(13:41):
to make himself look better by again pitting Alana against
her own mother. I reached out to Father Dave for comment,
but he didn't respond. I can see now why all
of this has been so maddening for Joyce. The furtive
denials from Saint Thom's, the brazen blaming by Father Dave,
(14:03):
all of this on top of the unspeakable grief of
losing her daughter. It all feels so unjust, and I
wish I could help Joyce find some sort of closure.
But how do you hold a person, or, better yet,
an institution accountable in the situation, an institution that so
many of us, like Joyce did, have willingly entrusted our
(14:25):
families to. What do you say to religious leaders who
operate in this self regulated space, whose words and actions
behind closed doors in private texts often fall in this
gray area between spirituality and mental health. Who is responsible
when something goes wrong. It's almost as if by design
(14:46):
no one is the church can stay in its own
protected spiritual lane and claim that it leaves the mental
health to the therapists. But what if the line between
religious practice and mental health is a lot more worry
than that? Theology can have real consequences on how we
see ourselves? Are we ready for that conversation? I get
(15:12):
in the car and start driving, my head spinning processing
all of this, I see the rushing water of the
Boulder Creek and decide to pull over. Alana would often
hammock here with me and their friends, and I feel
comforted knowing she was here. I begin to think about
(15:33):
the years after I stopped trying to change my sexual orientation.
Day after day I lived in a kind of quiet shame.
No one inside or outside the church understood what it
was like to fail the spectacularly, so I wanted to
become invisible. My vocation was shot. I'd let everyone down, God,
(15:55):
the Church, myself, And the reason was that I thought
I was simply too broken to be healed, too disordered,
a lost cause. But what drove me closest to despair,
the kind that Alana often writes about, was not the failure,
or even the sense of brokenness. I could find a
way to live with that. What I couldn't live with
(16:18):
was the thought that God, my father, my only friend,
had somehow forgotten me, that I had been abandoned by him,
cast aside, without a place in his kingdom. I was
back in the schoolyard, all alone, back in the swimming pool,
left to drown. Today, however, fresh from hearing about the
(16:42):
church's public handling of Allana's death, it's not despair that
I feel. It's anger. There's just no excuse for the
way they've treated Joyce and her family. The pious dismissals,
the sanctimonious pr the public blaming, the abandonment cuts so
deep I strip down and wade into the creek. I
(17:07):
feel my chest tighten and my pulse race, and I
look up at the cloudless sky. I just want to say,
fuck you, Fuck you for all of this, for all
the trust I placed in you and your church, that
same church that now denies doing the very things it
told us would save us, would heal us. I'm done
(17:28):
defending you. I'm done with your platitudes like how good
things come to those who are patient, or how suffering
purifies the soul for your love. If inflicting suffering is
how you make your people love you, that's a fucked
up way of loving someone. I plunge into the creek,
letting the cold, rushing water return me to my body,
(17:50):
push me along the rocks, and engulf me before I
come up for air. As I travel back home, I'm
(18:12):
anxious about seeing my cousin Vivian at the funeral. I
don't know how it'll go, and I start to regret
ever sending her that email. The way things were before
the status quo suddenly feels safer. At my parents' house
this afternoon, I'm lingering with my dad at the kitchen table.
We're talking about all sorts of things, my time in Colorado,
(18:34):
the egregious San Francisco rent and when the conversation takes
on a more reflective tone about our family, I ask
him if I can turn on the mic. My dad,
who's a shy and private person, agrees. He's in the
middle of telling me about his own dad.
Speaker 7 (18:50):
I remember he worked really hard, my dad, because he
worked for those departments store. And when we eat this,
you know he's not always to you, not to be
with us with dating diners.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
My dad grew up in a time when his dad
taught him how to ride a bike by dropping him
off at the park to figure it out himself. So
when it came time for my dad to teach me,
he put in a little more effort, but not as
much as he would have liked. Ever since our time
in therapy together, the topic of bonding has often come
up between us. I ask him what he remembers from
(19:27):
those years I was in conversion therapy.
Speaker 7 (19:30):
When you told me there's one thing why I am
being gay. One of the reasons that you found was
because the parent of father, especially father's you know, I'm
short temper, I'm angry and things like that. You miss
the father's figure and so as a result to become gay.
Speaker 8 (19:53):
How did that make you feel?
Speaker 7 (19:59):
It make me feel a little bit. I feel hurt, No,
not really hurt, but unhappy right, and I'm not happy
about that. But I want to amend That's the thing.
If that is something I did wrong, I want to
amend that relationship. Yeah, I was looking for a solution.
Speaker 8 (20:24):
What what did you think would be a solution.
Speaker 7 (20:28):
I think at that time, mainly the main solution would
be I want to create a father figure to you.
I remember saying Mary. In my Greate church, there's a
statueh Joseph and holding Jesus. I remember pray quite a
(20:51):
number of times for that.
Speaker 8 (20:53):
And I mean I thought that too, right, I mean
I think I was giving you a lot of this information.
Speaker 7 (20:59):
Right right, mm hmm. You work very hard trying to change,
trying to overcome. That's the kind of thing that I
really I can sense you know how hard you work
on this, and I feel kind of helpless. You know
(21:21):
what we can do at this end, you know, kind
of helpless.
Speaker 8 (21:27):
Did you think that I would eventually achieve the outcome.
Speaker 7 (21:32):
Of no longer no longer being gay? No, I wouldn't
say eventually you achieve your goal, because I really think
that there is something you're born with it.
Speaker 9 (21:51):
M hmm.
Speaker 7 (21:52):
Yeah, we thought that. I thought that. I thought that. Yeah,
I thought that.
Speaker 8 (21:59):
Yeah, because we never talked about this, I don't know.
Speaker 7 (22:02):
No, we didn't learn him talk about about this, that's right.
Speaker 8 (22:05):
But like there was a point when you were thinking, oh,
maybe this is not gonna work, but I still felt
like I still want to try.
Speaker 7 (22:16):
Me But you never told me that you thought that, right,
why not. I didn't want to destroy your whole. Eventually,
I think me and Mom I feel that we already
accept yeah, this is this is it, this is you.
(22:39):
You know that is and especially to me, I I
start to to learn more, explore more, and read more,
especially that really recently, you know pub Benedict when it
was cardinal, he said that being gay is intrinsically diseased
(23:03):
or something disorder. Yeah, that's right, right, and that tripped
me is kind of oh no, you know so in
such a way that totally wrong. How could you know
somebody say something and still being to me just damning
(23:28):
the you know, gay people, so that I totally not
not agree with. I was still in a in a
mode of my previous how I understand religion? M oh oh,
I need just to pray, pray and pray. Oh, one
(23:51):
day some would change. But as time moves on, I
learned more that I have different concepts religion and how
we live our religious life. Pray, yeah, pray. It's not
just words. You're not by words. No, I had to
do something else, you know, that's just praying.
Speaker 2 (24:14):
No, all those years I was in conversion therapy, my
dad wasn't just praying he was busy doing something else changing.
Speaker 3 (24:29):
I would like to leave my everybody have forward to
say in five of the b and waiting for us
to cross the casket, and then.
Speaker 7 (24:38):
We will move out a cascade to the culture.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
I met my grandmother's funeral early with my parents, and
I stare down at my grandma's eyelashes. Her glasses are smudged,
so I wipe them clean with the crumpled tissue in
my pocket. Suddenly everyone starts to arrive, my sister, my
brother in law, my nephews, and then my cousin, Vivian.
(25:02):
She greets my parents and then walks over to me,
looks me directly in the eye, and gives me a
big hug. Let's talk later. She says, the service is brief,
and our families take turns bowing to my grandmother a
final gesture of respect. After the burial, at the reception luncheon,
Vivian and I are seated next to each other. She'd
(25:25):
read my letter and she wants me to know that
she accepts my apology, that this was all she ever wanted.
We catch up about what we've each been up to
over the past decade, mostly ignoring everyone else at the table.
As the meal ends, she wants to continue the conversation,
and days later, Vivian invites me to her house, where
I'm sitting at her kitchen table in total disbelief that
(25:48):
we're having this heart to heart. Tell me about because
you'd mentioned before we start recording, like you had read
my letter and how that made you feel? Like, what
was it like reading it?
Speaker 10 (25:59):
No, not expecting anything. My sister had actually asked me,
She's like, how are you gonna act at the funeral?
Speaker 11 (26:08):
Like are you gonna?
Speaker 10 (26:09):
And I was like, I'm a normal adult human. I
will be courteous. It's not about me, like, it'll be
perfectly fine. So when I got your your email, it
was a Sunday evening and I was reading it, and
I thought to myself, this must have taken him so
long to write. To be able to own up and
(26:33):
say like I was wrong is already a very difficult thing.
When it's inane. You think about like arguments with siblings,
like the stupidest, tiniest little things, and being able to
say like I was wrong, I am wrong. These are
tremendously infrequently sequenced words. So I think, for me, I know,
(26:56):
and I understood right away how much it would have
taken to get to the point, and as I made
my way through it, it just made me so sad.
Like I was very saddened at some of the things
that you shared around your journey around how it wasn't
just about acceptance but rather trying to see if there
were other ways of changing who you were. You had
(27:20):
spent all this time and ergo money on trying to
change who you were. It just made me really sad
that you spent so many years struggling through that alone.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
Vivian recalls what it was like as kids.
Speaker 10 (27:37):
I just remember like you were like the older brother
that like I didn't have, right you had like that
that huge room and like all your CDs. You know,
it was just it just had hurt so much because
it was like we grew up as kids, Like what
changed all of a sudden that we were no longer
these kids that played together and enjoyed hanging out together
(28:00):
and running around. That this got in the way of everything,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
So, yeah, she tells me about why she's chosen to
talk to me again.
Speaker 10 (28:12):
By the time I had finished reading your note, like
there was no question in my mind that that was
how I was going to respond. It was like I
had read it, and I was like, I accept it,
like no questions asked, like no, like no conditions, Like
we've been apart for so long that like I have
no interest in continuing this. So I was just really
(28:33):
thankful that, like, you know, and very appreciative that you
admitted that, yeah.
Speaker 7 (28:40):
You were wrong.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
As we talk, I still feel ashamed for the ways
I chose self preservation over supporting her all those years ago,
and I tell her about how for so long I've
thought of myself as a hypocrite, but not the dishonest kind,
the kind of hypocrite who genuinely believed what he was doing.
Speaker 10 (29:00):
For the record, I don't think hypocrite is the correct word,
because I agree with you. I think that you genuinely
believe what you were saying at the time. Yeah, and
even reading your note, I didn't think of you as
being hypocritical. I think it was deeply seated insecurities around oneself,
trying to figure out who you were, internalized homophobia and
(29:23):
like just you know, dealing with a lot of self discovery.
But truthfully, like we're part of the same community and
it's an incredibly lonely journey to kind of get to
this point, especially like I know it's different for everyone,
(29:44):
and you can't just turn to everyone and be like
accept yourself, Like, there's so many things that go into it.
I know that sexuality is a huge part of one's
identity and for people to be able to live out
and open is very important, but there's many other aspects
to who you are and even accepting who you are
on many levels sexuality aside. It takes a lot and
(30:07):
it's a journey to get there.
Speaker 7 (30:10):
How do you feel today?
Speaker 2 (30:14):
I mean, there's the immediate impact of like this week,
and I feel extremely relieved and lighter and happier. And
I don't feel like I have to pretend to be
someone else in front of you in order to represent
some ideal that you know, I'm still struggling to live
up to. Like it just doesn't that pressure is no
(30:36):
longer there. I feel like it's a more authentic. I'm
more authentic in my relationships and you know, even in
our conversation, like I'm not there's no agenda, Like I'm
not trying to get you to believe anything else or whatever.
Speaker 10 (30:50):
Right, Yeah, get me to not be gay, get me
to be gay, pick away. She closes with this, Listen,
I'm always here like you like really like I I
don't want it to be like okay, like we got
to do this like soft ramp up period. If you're
just like Nope'm gonna hit you with a question or
like gotta like can we talk like I'm totally down
(31:13):
for it.
Speaker 7 (31:13):
I just we've lost enough time.
Speaker 9 (31:17):
Thank you. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
I never thought this could happen. All these years of
separation and hurt, our families torn apart, but now a
new chance to reconnect, to restart, to rebuild. It's kind
of a miracle. And I couldn't have started down this
road to reconciliation were it not for Alana. I make
(31:55):
my way back to Colorado. It's a windy day and
I'm at Cup for a good old fashioned Alumni versus
Student Ultimate frisbee game. But this isn't just a regular match.
It's a memorial game for Alana. In the past few years,
Alana's childhood friends have organized all sorts of things, from
a trail run around Davidson Mesa known as Run for Alana,
(32:17):
to an annual USA Ultimate tournament known as the Elana.
Alana's friends remember her infectious encouragement, and it's great to
see a whole new generation of players learn about her.
But there's also a sadness that maybe after this next
cohort graduates, so too, might Alana's memory fade.
Speaker 3 (32:37):
Thank you all for doing this. This means so much
to our family and friends Alana. This was like one
of the best parts of Alana's pretty.
Speaker 12 (32:48):
Much her life.
Speaker 6 (32:50):
Yeah, should we do like a like a big like
ass paddle like I don't know really myself.
Speaker 9 (33:00):
I believe in myself.
Speaker 11 (33:01):
I believe in myself.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
I believe this tea I myself.
Speaker 9 (33:15):
Why why.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
That night I check in with Joyce. Even with all
that's happening in memory of Alana, she's still filled with
so much regret.
Speaker 12 (33:33):
I have one friend say to me, if you knew
what you know now, you would have done everything that week,
wouldn't you have? And I'm like, yeah, but it doesn't
help because I shouldn't known like I should have known
like suicide series, my cousin died by suicide. Yes, I
look at her face and I'm excited.
Speaker 9 (33:53):
I can't think of her not being here. It's too.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
Joyce's grief has not let up. She still texts me
in the middle of the night, but I'm starting to
see small glimmers of change in her. She's speaking out
more publicly about Alana's life and legacy and hopes that
just one person can learn from it, that it might
inspire some change. Sometimes I don't know if our friendship
is too triggering for her, an unwelcome reminder of her loss.
(34:25):
We wouldn't have met if not for Alana's death. But
Joyce tells me that she sees so much good in
the podcast that she senses Alana's hand in it, and
that maybe I'm being changed and healed by making it.
I feel my heart squeeze, and I hold back my
emotions as I say goodbye to her for the night.
(34:46):
I step outside and breathe in the late summer air.
It smells like honeysuckle, and the stars are out. It's
been nearly three years since I've learned of Alana, and
the ways in which her life have twined with mine
haven't been lost on me. Who could have imagined that
I'd be here in Colorado reading her most intimate thoughts,
(35:09):
retracing her life, and revisiting the most shameful parts of
my own. Lately, my prayers to God have been angry
and bitter, and often I don't even bother talking to him.
But tonight I'm inspired to pray to someone who I
know will understand. Dear Alana, I don't know what to say.
(35:39):
I don't know why you did this, why you left,
why any of this happened. But I know that because
of you, nothing is the same. I can look ahead
and start to let go, let go of all the
hate towards myself, let go of the shame. Why because
(36:03):
I can see how bright you were, how deeply you
loved and gave and trusted. So I can look at
myself and begin to believe that maybe I'm not the
damaged person I thought I was, and that God hasn't
answered my prayers because he can't heal what isn't broken.
Speaker 7 (36:44):
The playing to right up against the fence behind us.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
Okay, I need you guys to evacuate the arey.
Speaker 3 (36:49):
Okay, I'm getting rid of Baig, but I can't get
my animal.
Speaker 11 (36:51):
With them with me.
Speaker 10 (36:53):
Nass evacuations in suburban Demo.
Speaker 4 (36:56):
Fire broke out south of Bulger just after eleven this morning.
Speaker 2 (37:00):
And Louisville residents racing home from work to save their
pets and keepsakes.
Speaker 8 (37:05):
I don't know where to go out towards Denver.
Speaker 9 (37:08):
Evacuate now.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
On December thirtieth, twenty twenty one, I get a text
from Joyce. A wildfire broke out in Boulder and high
winds are spreading it rapidly throughout the area. The Chen's
family house is located smack in the middle of the
fire's path, and over thirty seven thousand residents have to
evacuate the area immediately. Sophia Alana's younger sister rushes home
(37:33):
to grab her stuff.
Speaker 11 (37:35):
And we're driving up to her house that we can
barely see, and the whole front lawns on fire. And
I run out the car with dust like hitting me
in the face and all these smoke and ash, and
I pause on our front steps and just see this
like fire so close to me. I just looked at
(37:56):
my house. I was like, it looked like I was
in a completely different place, even though I knew I
was at home.
Speaker 5 (38:03):
Since then, nearly six hundred homes have been burned.
Speaker 8 (38:07):
To think of the many families tonight who have lost everything, walked,
all their belongings, locked their home.
Speaker 2 (38:14):
The Chens would lose their house, Alana's childhood home in
the Marshall fire, the very house that her sister Carrissa
brought me to. It would burn to its foundations, with
nothing structural left standing. Sophia, I remembers the emotions from
that day.
Speaker 11 (38:31):
I just was really really upset because I was trying
to cherish those memories of my sister, and I had
all these things of hers, Like when she first died.
I would rum into their own room and try and
find answers, try and find the writings for her to
(38:55):
me that like saying that she loves me, like just
writing about me. I like to hear that selfishly. But yeah,
it was we wanted to keep her room to remember,
and it was like another thing was just taken away.
What was left of her was just completely stripped away.
Speaker 2 (39:18):
It's almost too much loss to bear her sister. And
now this the room they preserve to remember Alana, with
her clothes and artwork and books, was being engulfed by
uncontrollable flames, and Sophia had precisely one minute to find
something from it to save.
Speaker 11 (39:36):
But I ran up right to my room. I grabbed
a box of the stuff I had taken from college
and some pictures, and then I ran into my sister's
room and I didn't know what to grab because there
were so many things in there, but I grabbed a
poem she had written a little note, and then I
(39:58):
ran out, Do.
Speaker 2 (40:01):
You happen to have the poeme? I do.
Speaker 13 (40:04):
Yeah, It's actually quite beautiful because I kind of associate
rainbows a lot with my sister, and I kept saying,
I was like, I feel like I'm getting signs from
my sister.
Speaker 11 (40:20):
I feel like my sister is sending me double rainbows
for some reason.
Speaker 9 (40:23):
But it goes.
Speaker 11 (40:27):
I am mortally wounded, deeply unstable, but I stand between
the Lord and the shining sun, his promise of mercy,
and the twofold rainbow, the solid ground and the shifting sands,
the holy wind, the dark clouds, the lightning strikes, the thunder, the.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
Rain, the grassy plain and the velvet foothills. The sun
shines from far beyond the mountains to well past my house.
Surely I will fall tonight, but I will rise again tomorrow.
I am deeply unstable and mortally wounded, yet I stand
between the Lord and his holy covenant. I'm deeply troubled
(41:10):
and completely unstable. But I'm held by his gaze. He
slumbers not now, I wake to the shadows of his face.
Tomorrow that shadow will fade into a brilliant light, and
the shadow will never return. You've been that brilliant light
(41:32):
for me, Alana, mystically guiding us on this journey. They
were right about you all along. You are a saint.
Speaker 9 (41:49):
I will follow you, follow you wherever you might go.
Speaker 1 (41:58):
There is.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
Dear Alana was created, hosted, and written by me Simon
kent Fung and is a production of Tenderfoot TV in
association with a Slept Audio in the Center for Independent Documentary.
It was produced by Lori Pulisky and edited by myself
and Laurie. Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay.
Our supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional production by
(42:25):
Matthew Pusti. Original music, written, recorded, and produced by Lori Pulisky.
Additional music by Makeup and Vanity, Set story editing by
Donald Albright and Lauri Polisky, and mixing and mastering by
Cooper Skinner. Sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our voice actor
is Alana Rabor and our credit song I Will Follow
You is by to Loose Yeah.
Speaker 11 (42:46):
I remember I added it to my New York playlist
on Spotify because we used to watch Sister Act all
the time as kids and they sing that song like
the choir sings that song, and we.
Speaker 9 (42:59):
Used to sing the song. Bye.
Speaker 11 (43:01):
Textit to her October seventh, twenty sixteen. Alana, you should
listen to the song I Will Follow You by Toulouse.
Speaker 2 (43:12):
I love it.
Speaker 11 (43:13):
It's so pretty.
Speaker 9 (43:16):
I will follow you ever since you've touched. Thank you.
Speaker 2 (43:25):
Special thanks to Orren Rosenbaum, Shelby Shankman and the team
at UTA, the Nord Group, Sean Gordon and backmedia and marketing.
Show notes and resources can be found on our website,
Dearlana dot com. If you enjoyed the show, please take
time to follow it, rate and review. Your feedback is
greatly appreciated. So many people supported me in the two
(43:47):
year journey of making this show, but I couldn't have
done it without my producer, composer, and friend, Laurie. This
truly was a labor of love. Thank you to Emily Shaw,
Tracy elits Kaplan and Shannon Minter for your day one support.
To Bill Glenn, Father, James Allison and Eunice Park for
your mentorship, Jonathan Gaily, Josh and Brooke, Harrison, Lucas and
(44:08):
Avon Fernandez, David and Carrie Clark for hosting me at
your homes, Matt Polus for your studio, SoundSpace and Boulder.
To my friends Danny and Newton, Christopher Dowling and my
Impact team, and all those who gave feedback along the way.
Thank you to Donald for believing in this story and
for all the late nights. To my entire family, Mom, Dad, Margaret,
(44:30):
Kevin forgetting me the tape recorder for my birthday, and
of course Vivian. Finally, my deepest gratitude to the Chen
and Calvo family, Carrisa, Sophia, Sammy, Mike, and to Joyce.
Thank you for trusting me with Alana story.
Speaker 9 (44:48):
There is in notion Sudi Monton so high keep me
away away from lone
The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or
someone you know is in need of help, please contact
the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine eight eight.
Listener discretion is advised.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
I slept through an early morning text for my mom,
and when I wake up and check my phone, I
find her message. Your grandmother passed away this morning around
three am. I call my mom immediately. My grandma, who's
ninety four, hasn't been in good health for a while now.
We were close, but as her health declined, our monthly
(00:39):
phone calls tapered off, and whenever I'd visit, we'd often
just sit together in silence. But this news still comes
as a shock to me. The funeral is set forward
two and a half weeks from now. As I think
about the trip home, my stomach tightens into a knot.
Everyone in my family will be at the funeral, including
my cousin Vivian. Years ago, when she walked out of
(01:01):
that car after coming out to me, we stopped talking.
I have no idea where she's at today. I don't
even know what city she lives in, and there's a
version of the funeral where I could show up and
greet her politely and then never talk to her again,
continuing the streak. But I think about Alana and there's
absolutely no way that I can let that happen. A
(01:22):
friend suggests I write to Vivian before the funeral. She
could read my message or ignore it, but it would
still give her an opportunity to know what's on my heart.
So over the course of a few days, I draft
this email. Dear Vivian, I know it's been a while
(01:49):
since we've spoken. You may not have any interest to
hear from me, which I totally understand, but I hope
you'll give me a chance, as it contains a lot
of things that I've been afraid to tell you and
which I think you deserve to hear first. I'm gay.
It's taken me the last twenty years to come to
terms with this, the first fifteen of which were spent
(02:12):
running away by seeking desperately to get rid of it.
Everything I told you that time in the car about
finding counseling for your sexuality, I pursued myself. I thought
that by working hard enough God would take this away.
It didn't happen, and I'm still working through the shame
and self hatred these efforts perpetuated. I'm sad that at
(02:33):
a young age we both had to suffer in isolation. Second,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not having the courage to
be honest about my own struggle. I'm sorry for the
ways my words alienated you and made you feel so
alone and misunderstood. I'm sorry for trying to change you.
(02:54):
I'm sorry for my pride that kept me from saying
any of these things earlier. And I understand if they're
all too little, too late. You know, I've often thought
about how much courage it took for you to come
out at the age and time you did. I certainly
didn't have this courage, and at one point I thought
you were making a big mistake or moral concession. It's
(03:16):
been humbling to recognize how wrong I was, and so
I ask for your forgiveness. We may never be as
close as when we were kids, but I hope at
some point we could restart things. I'm always curious what
you're up to. Hope this doesn't make everything more awkward
next week, looking forward to seeing you from Tenderfoot TV.
(03:44):
I'm Simon kent Fung, and this is Dear Alana. Part eight.
The Saint. It's been over two years since Alana's death,
and on a Sunday afternoon, a group of around thirty
people holding red roses is gathered in front of Saint
(04:04):
Thom's Alana's church. Joyce stands at the front of the group,
next to a smiling portrait of Alana. They're here today
to conduct a peaceful vigil, a demonstration of sorts in
memory of Alana. This was Joyce's idea.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
Yeah, singing, singing for us.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
The crowd is a mix of Joyce's friends and family,
supporters from out Boulder County, the LGBTQ organization that helped
organize the event, and other locals who've joined the vigil.
It's the first time that Joyce has done anything this public,
and although the turnout is small, it's enough to bring
out the local news who asked Joyce to talk about
why she's here.
Speaker 3 (04:49):
I just wanted to let them know we know, and
you know that if other people come up to us,
it's students. It's usually young people, ca students. I want
them to know that this is wrong. You can love
God and be any religion. If you're LGBTQ or anybody,
that this is a bad teaching force someone to die
(05:12):
by suicide.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Joyce is hopeful that she'll be able to speak to
students as they show up for the six pm Mass,
but the vigil is largely ignored, except for a middle
aged member of Saint Tom's who watches from the door
with his arms crossed. Students brush by Joyce without saying
a word, and only one person stops to talk, sharing
the recent loss of her own brother to suicide. As
(05:35):
the vigil concludes with a few more songs and the
loss of Joyce's friends have gone home, the man who's
been watching from the top of the stairs picks up
the roses left from the vigil and throws them in
the garbage. I knew at some point I'd be right here,
standing inside Saint Tom's with the goal of talking to
(05:57):
Father Peter. The sunlight filtered through the small windows along
the side aisles, making the church extra cozy. I take
a seat at the back as the pews fill up
with students. They're all nodding along to Father Peter, who's
reflecting on the Gospel reading where Jesus brings over a
child and tells his apostles that whoever wishes to be greatest,
(06:18):
must be the least, the first, must be the last.
I'm kind of mesmerized listening to him. He's goofy and
self deprecating and personal. He talks about how we need
wisdom to encounter each other truthfully. He builds to a
passionate crescendo, saying, I want someone to encounter me like
Jesus does. Not their idea of me, not their anger
(06:40):
about me. I want someone to encounter me. And I
find myself nodding along, but I feel mixed up inside.
This hipster priest who seems to be doing such great
work for the church in the community, who's doing exactly
what I've always wished I was doing with my life.
This is the same guy whose church, according to the
(07:00):
Denver Post, hosted Alana's Catholic therapist, the therapist who Alana
said made things worse. It was Father Peter who insisted
that Alana applied to the Living Waters program that claims
to heal the sexually and relationally broken, the one she
couldn't afford. It was under Father Peter's watch that those
books filled with conversion therapy theories were stocked in the
(07:22):
Saint Thom's library and yet I know that at some
level he's simply doing his job, and I'm beginning to
see how messed up that actually is. I reached out
to former staff and students at Saint Thom's. Of the
ones who agreed to talk, they said that after Alana died,
there was a deafening silence. They don't recall anything officially
(07:45):
organized by Saint Thom's to acknowledge Alana's passing, but the
parish did make a public statement.
Speaker 4 (07:51):
Now, he did reach out to the Saint Thomas Aquinas
Church in Boulder, the church chen attendant. They released the
following statement, reading, in part, she will be greatly missed.
Striving to be a community who welcomes anyone and everyone,
as Jesus did, we reject any practices that are manipulative
and forced. We believe that every person is a beloved
child of God and should be treated with dignity, mercy,
(08:13):
and reverence.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
As I listened to this statement from Saint Thom's, I'm
feeling frustrated. It strikes me as an empty thoughts and
prayers kind of statement, and its denial of practices that
are manipulative and coerced seems like a semantic cover. The
controversy over the role of the church in Alana's death
spreads locally, and the Archdiocese of Denver spokesperson doubles down
(08:41):
with a stronger statement. In an interview with the Denver Post,
he says, quote, never once was conversion therapy practiced. It
was never discussed with her or suggested to her. It's
not something we do.
Speaker 5 (08:54):
In a statement from the archdiocese, they say if someone
wants to better understand the church's teaching on marriage and
sexual relations, that they lovingly try to share with them
what Catholics believe is God's design for sexuality. They say, quote,
it is not conversion therapy to teach about the beauty
of a life of chastity.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Now, normally I would rush to defend the church from
unfair media attacks. I once wrote a letter to the
editor defending the church's moral authority in the face of relativism.
But I just don't know what to make of these
official statements. They feel heartbreakingly dishonest. Never once was conversion
therapy practiced. From the pages and pages of Alana's own
(09:34):
words to the therapists and church ministries, Alana sought out
over the years that taught her to view her sexuality
as a pathology that needed to be repaired. I don't
know how this denial makes any sense. Alana, like me,
sought out these therapies and ministries precisely to follow the church.
We took the advice of our spiritual mentors, pursuing all
(09:57):
of the resources they directed us to. How can they
say that none of this ever happened. After Mass, I
wait in the pews, and as the church clears out,
I knock on the door of the priest change room.
Father Peter answers, surprised, and I introduce myself. He's cordial,
(10:17):
but Kurt, he makes it clear that he's not willing
to talk about Alana. She was a beloved member of
this community, he says, adding my previous public statement is
so deeply true, I cannot add any more. Father Peter
and I have mutual friends, and I learned from them
that after Alana's death, the church building was vandalized. So
(10:41):
I understand his weariness, but I'm still disappointed. Joyce tells
me that to this day, Father Peter has not reached
out to her family. I ask her about the other priest,
Alana's spiritual director. Father Dave.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
Oh, he has a blog that's really sick. He has
a picture of Alana in Rwanda because she did a
trip with him in this group, and he says her
new age mother is the one that wouldn't let her
go to church, and that's why this happened.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
I look up the blog posts she's referring to. They
were written after Alana's passing. Father. Dave is pretty defensive,
posting the letter that Alana wrote advocating for him while
he was being moved around. He alleges that quote Alana's
friends would all say today that the closer she was
to the Catholic Church, the better was her mental health
(11:34):
end quote. But according to Joy, Alana's oldest friend, this
is patently false and it contradicts Alana's own statement to
the Denver Post. I think the.
Speaker 6 (11:44):
Church's council is what led me to be hospitalized. I
was feeling so much shame that I was comforted by
the thought of hurting myself.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
He continues, quote Alana was never abandoned by her Catholic
clergy and religious sisters, but rather she was abruptly cut
off from the lifeline she chose for herself and loved
the Catholic Church by the interventions of her own mother. Wow,
he's shifting the blame omitting key details about Alana's life.
(12:18):
But we know the truth from Milana's own words.
Speaker 6 (12:21):
When I went to treatment, Rachel, father Peter, Father Dave,
and the sisters were the only ones that I trusted.
They were the only ones that stayed by my side.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
But as I.
Speaker 6 (12:32):
Became more true to myself, I guess they didn't see
the need to mentor me. I feel misled and abandoned.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
We know that it was Alana's own choice to step
away from the church in order to protect her mental health.
We even have that publicly on the record. Father Dave's
opinion seems woefully uninformed by Alana's own words, but shouldn't
he know better. In their last text exchange two years
before her death, when he warned her about speaking against
(13:04):
the church, Alana told.
Speaker 6 (13:05):
Him, I don't speak against the church because I have pride.
I speak against the church because I have real and
deep pain. I'm distancing myself from the church right now
because I don't feel safe, or loved or accepted.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
Father Dave may not have realized that one day their
texts would be uncovered and directly contradict his public statements.
Looking at his blog now, it strikes me what great
lengths he's going to to define the narrative around Alana's death.
Unlike Father Peter, who stayed out of the public eye,
Father Dave has gone out of his way to try
(13:41):
to make himself look better by again pitting Alana against
her own mother. I reached out to Father Dave for comment,
but he didn't respond. I can see now why all
of this has been so maddening for Joyce. The furtive
denials from Saint Thom's, the brazen blaming by Father Dave,
(14:03):
all of this on top of the unspeakable grief of
losing her daughter. It all feels so unjust, and I
wish I could help Joyce find some sort of closure.
But how do you hold a person, or, better yet,
an institution accountable in the situation, an institution that so
many of us, like Joyce did, have willingly entrusted our
(14:25):
families to. What do you say to religious leaders who
operate in this self regulated space, whose words and actions
behind closed doors in private texts often fall in this
gray area between spirituality and mental health. Who is responsible
when something goes wrong. It's almost as if by design
(14:46):
no one is the church can stay in its own
protected spiritual lane and claim that it leaves the mental
health to the therapists. But what if the line between
religious practice and mental health is a lot more worry
than that? Theology can have real consequences on how we
see ourselves? Are we ready for that conversation? I get
(15:12):
in the car and start driving, my head spinning processing
all of this, I see the rushing water of the
Boulder Creek and decide to pull over. Alana would often
hammock here with me and their friends, and I feel
comforted knowing she was here. I begin to think about
(15:33):
the years after I stopped trying to change my sexual orientation.
Day after day I lived in a kind of quiet shame.
No one inside or outside the church understood what it
was like to fail the spectacularly, so I wanted to
become invisible. My vocation was shot. I'd let everyone down, God,
(15:55):
the Church, myself, And the reason was that I thought
I was simply too broken to be healed, too disordered,
a lost cause. But what drove me closest to despair,
the kind that Alana often writes about, was not the failure,
or even the sense of brokenness. I could find a
way to live with that. What I couldn't live with
(16:18):
was the thought that God, my father, my only friend,
had somehow forgotten me, that I had been abandoned by him,
cast aside, without a place in his kingdom. I was
back in the schoolyard, all alone, back in the swimming pool,
left to drown. Today, however, fresh from hearing about the
(16:42):
church's public handling of Allana's death, it's not despair that
I feel. It's anger. There's just no excuse for the
way they've treated Joyce and her family. The pious dismissals,
the sanctimonious pr the public blaming, the abandonment cuts so
deep I strip down and wade into the creek. I
(17:07):
feel my chest tighten and my pulse race, and I
look up at the cloudless sky. I just want to say,
fuck you, Fuck you for all of this, for all
the trust I placed in you and your church, that
same church that now denies doing the very things it
told us would save us, would heal us. I'm done
(17:28):
defending you. I'm done with your platitudes like how good
things come to those who are patient, or how suffering
purifies the soul for your love. If inflicting suffering is
how you make your people love you, that's a fucked
up way of loving someone. I plunge into the creek,
letting the cold, rushing water return me to my body,
(17:50):
push me along the rocks, and engulf me before I
come up for air. As I travel back home, I'm
(18:12):
anxious about seeing my cousin Vivian at the funeral. I
don't know how it'll go, and I start to regret
ever sending her that email. The way things were before
the status quo suddenly feels safer. At my parents' house
this afternoon, I'm lingering with my dad at the kitchen table.
We're talking about all sorts of things, my time in Colorado,
(18:34):
the egregious San Francisco rent and when the conversation takes
on a more reflective tone about our family, I ask
him if I can turn on the mic. My dad,
who's a shy and private person, agrees. He's in the
middle of telling me about his own dad.
Speaker 7 (18:50):
I remember he worked really hard, my dad, because he
worked for those departments store. And when we eat this,
you know he's not always to you, not to be
with us with dating diners.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
My dad grew up in a time when his dad
taught him how to ride a bike by dropping him
off at the park to figure it out himself. So
when it came time for my dad to teach me,
he put in a little more effort, but not as
much as he would have liked. Ever since our time
in therapy together, the topic of bonding has often come
up between us. I ask him what he remembers from
(19:27):
those years I was in conversion therapy.
Speaker 7 (19:30):
When you told me there's one thing why I am
being gay. One of the reasons that you found was
because the parent of father, especially father's you know, I'm
short temper, I'm angry and things like that. You miss
the father's figure and so as a result to become gay.
Speaker 8 (19:53):
How did that make you feel?
Speaker 7 (19:59):
It make me feel a little bit. I feel hurt, No,
not really hurt, but unhappy right, and I'm not happy
about that. But I want to amend That's the thing.
If that is something I did wrong, I want to
amend that relationship. Yeah, I was looking for a solution.
Speaker 8 (20:24):
What what did you think would be a solution.
Speaker 7 (20:28):
I think at that time, mainly the main solution would
be I want to create a father figure to you.
I remember saying Mary. In my Greate church, there's a
statueh Joseph and holding Jesus. I remember pray quite a
(20:51):
number of times for that.
Speaker 8 (20:53):
And I mean I thought that too, right, I mean
I think I was giving you a lot of this information.
Speaker 7 (20:59):
Right right, mm hmm. You work very hard trying to change,
trying to overcome. That's the kind of thing that I
really I can sense you know how hard you work
on this, and I feel kind of helpless. You know
(21:21):
what we can do at this end, you know, kind
of helpless.
Speaker 8 (21:27):
Did you think that I would eventually achieve the outcome.
Speaker 7 (21:32):
Of no longer no longer being gay? No, I wouldn't
say eventually you achieve your goal, because I really think
that there is something you're born with it.
Speaker 9 (21:51):
M hmm.
Speaker 7 (21:52):
Yeah, we thought that. I thought that. I thought that. Yeah,
I thought that.
Speaker 8 (21:59):
Yeah, because we never talked about this, I don't know.
Speaker 7 (22:02):
No, we didn't learn him talk about about this, that's right.
Speaker 8 (22:05):
But like there was a point when you were thinking, oh,
maybe this is not gonna work, but I still felt
like I still want to try.
Speaker 7 (22:16):
Me But you never told me that you thought that, right,
why not. I didn't want to destroy your whole. Eventually,
I think me and Mom I feel that we already
accept yeah, this is this is it, this is you.
(22:39):
You know that is and especially to me, I I
start to to learn more, explore more, and read more,
especially that really recently, you know pub Benedict when it
was cardinal, he said that being gay is intrinsically diseased
(23:03):
or something disorder. Yeah, that's right, right, and that tripped
me is kind of oh no, you know so in
such a way that totally wrong. How could you know
somebody say something and still being to me just damning
(23:28):
the you know, gay people, so that I totally not
not agree with. I was still in a in a
mode of my previous how I understand religion? M oh oh,
I need just to pray, pray and pray. Oh, one
(23:51):
day some would change. But as time moves on, I
learned more that I have different concepts religion and how
we live our religious life. Pray, yeah, pray. It's not
just words. You're not by words. No, I had to
do something else, you know, that's just praying.
Speaker 2 (24:14):
No, all those years I was in conversion therapy, my
dad wasn't just praying he was busy doing something else changing.
Speaker 3 (24:29):
I would like to leave my everybody have forward to
say in five of the b and waiting for us
to cross the casket, and then.
Speaker 7 (24:38):
We will move out a cascade to the culture.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
I met my grandmother's funeral early with my parents, and
I stare down at my grandma's eyelashes. Her glasses are smudged,
so I wipe them clean with the crumpled tissue in
my pocket. Suddenly everyone starts to arrive, my sister, my
brother in law, my nephews, and then my cousin, Vivian.
(25:02):
She greets my parents and then walks over to me,
looks me directly in the eye, and gives me a
big hug. Let's talk later. She says, the service is brief,
and our families take turns bowing to my grandmother a
final gesture of respect. After the burial, at the reception luncheon,
Vivian and I are seated next to each other. She'd
(25:25):
read my letter and she wants me to know that
she accepts my apology, that this was all she ever wanted.
We catch up about what we've each been up to
over the past decade, mostly ignoring everyone else at the table.
As the meal ends, she wants to continue the conversation,
and days later, Vivian invites me to her house, where
I'm sitting at her kitchen table in total disbelief that
(25:48):
we're having this heart to heart. Tell me about because
you'd mentioned before we start recording, like you had read
my letter and how that made you feel? Like, what
was it like reading it?
Speaker 10 (25:59):
No, not expecting anything. My sister had actually asked me,
She's like, how are you gonna act at the funeral?
Speaker 11 (26:08):
Like are you gonna?
Speaker 10 (26:09):
And I was like, I'm a normal adult human. I
will be courteous. It's not about me, like, it'll be
perfectly fine. So when I got your your email, it
was a Sunday evening and I was reading it, and
I thought to myself, this must have taken him so
long to write. To be able to own up and
(26:33):
say like I was wrong is already a very difficult thing.
When it's inane. You think about like arguments with siblings,
like the stupidest, tiniest little things, and being able to
say like I was wrong, I am wrong. These are
tremendously infrequently sequenced words. So I think, for me, I know,
(26:56):
and I understood right away how much it would have
taken to get to the point, and as I made
my way through it, it just made me so sad.
Like I was very saddened at some of the things
that you shared around your journey around how it wasn't
just about acceptance but rather trying to see if there
were other ways of changing who you were. You had
(27:20):
spent all this time and ergo money on trying to
change who you were. It just made me really sad
that you spent so many years struggling through that alone.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
Vivian recalls what it was like as kids.
Speaker 10 (27:37):
I just remember like you were like the older brother
that like I didn't have, right you had like that
that huge room and like all your CDs. You know,
it was just it just had hurt so much because
it was like we grew up as kids, Like what
changed all of a sudden that we were no longer
these kids that played together and enjoyed hanging out together
(28:00):
and running around. That this got in the way of everything,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
So, yeah, she tells me about why she's chosen to
talk to me again.
Speaker 10 (28:12):
By the time I had finished reading your note, like
there was no question in my mind that that was
how I was going to respond. It was like I
had read it, and I was like, I accept it,
like no questions asked, like no, like no conditions, Like
we've been apart for so long that like I have
no interest in continuing this. So I was just really
(28:33):
thankful that, like, you know, and very appreciative that you
admitted that, yeah.
Speaker 7 (28:40):
You were wrong.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
As we talk, I still feel ashamed for the ways
I chose self preservation over supporting her all those years ago,
and I tell her about how for so long I've
thought of myself as a hypocrite, but not the dishonest kind,
the kind of hypocrite who genuinely believed what he was doing.
Speaker 10 (29:00):
For the record, I don't think hypocrite is the correct word,
because I agree with you. I think that you genuinely
believe what you were saying at the time. Yeah, and
even reading your note, I didn't think of you as
being hypocritical. I think it was deeply seated insecurities around oneself,
trying to figure out who you were, internalized homophobia and
(29:23):
like just you know, dealing with a lot of self discovery.
But truthfully, like we're part of the same community and
it's an incredibly lonely journey to kind of get to
this point, especially like I know it's different for everyone,
(29:44):
and you can't just turn to everyone and be like
accept yourself, Like, there's so many things that go into it.
I know that sexuality is a huge part of one's
identity and for people to be able to live out
and open is very important, but there's many other aspects
to who you are and even accepting who you are
on many levels sexuality aside. It takes a lot and
(30:07):
it's a journey to get there.
Speaker 7 (30:10):
How do you feel today?
Speaker 2 (30:14):
I mean, there's the immediate impact of like this week,
and I feel extremely relieved and lighter and happier. And
I don't feel like I have to pretend to be
someone else in front of you in order to represent
some ideal that you know, I'm still struggling to live
up to. Like it just doesn't that pressure is no
(30:36):
longer there. I feel like it's a more authentic. I'm
more authentic in my relationships and you know, even in
our conversation, like I'm not there's no agenda, Like I'm
not trying to get you to believe anything else or whatever.
Speaker 10 (30:50):
Right, Yeah, get me to not be gay, get me
to be gay, pick away. She closes with this, Listen,
I'm always here like you like really like I I
don't want it to be like okay, like we got
to do this like soft ramp up period. If you're
just like Nope'm gonna hit you with a question or
like gotta like can we talk like I'm totally down
(31:13):
for it.
Speaker 7 (31:13):
I just we've lost enough time.
Speaker 9 (31:17):
Thank you. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
I never thought this could happen. All these years of
separation and hurt, our families torn apart, but now a
new chance to reconnect, to restart, to rebuild. It's kind
of a miracle. And I couldn't have started down this
road to reconciliation were it not for Alana. I make
(31:55):
my way back to Colorado. It's a windy day and
I'm at Cup for a good old fashioned Alumni versus
Student Ultimate frisbee game. But this isn't just a regular match.
It's a memorial game for Alana. In the past few years,
Alana's childhood friends have organized all sorts of things, from
a trail run around Davidson Mesa known as Run for Alana,
(32:17):
to an annual USA Ultimate tournament known as the Elana.
Alana's friends remember her infectious encouragement, and it's great to
see a whole new generation of players learn about her.
But there's also a sadness that maybe after this next
cohort graduates, so too, might Alana's memory fade.
Speaker 3 (32:37):
Thank you all for doing this. This means so much
to our family and friends Alana. This was like one
of the best parts of Alana's pretty.
Speaker 12 (32:48):
Much her life.
Speaker 6 (32:50):
Yeah, should we do like a like a big like
ass paddle like I don't know really myself.
Speaker 9 (33:00):
I believe in myself.
Speaker 11 (33:01):
I believe in myself.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
I believe this tea I myself.
Speaker 9 (33:15):
Why why.
Speaker 2 (33:23):
That night I check in with Joyce. Even with all
that's happening in memory of Alana, she's still filled with
so much regret.
Speaker 12 (33:33):
I have one friend say to me, if you knew
what you know now, you would have done everything that week,
wouldn't you have? And I'm like, yeah, but it doesn't
help because I shouldn't known like I should have known
like suicide series, my cousin died by suicide. Yes, I
look at her face and I'm excited.
Speaker 9 (33:53):
I can't think of her not being here. It's too.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
Joyce's grief has not let up. She still texts me
in the middle of the night, but I'm starting to
see small glimmers of change in her. She's speaking out
more publicly about Alana's life and legacy and hopes that
just one person can learn from it, that it might
inspire some change. Sometimes I don't know if our friendship
is too triggering for her, an unwelcome reminder of her loss.
(34:25):
We wouldn't have met if not for Alana's death. But
Joyce tells me that she sees so much good in
the podcast that she senses Alana's hand in it, and
that maybe I'm being changed and healed by making it.
I feel my heart squeeze, and I hold back my
emotions as I say goodbye to her for the night.
(34:46):
I step outside and breathe in the late summer air.
It smells like honeysuckle, and the stars are out. It's
been nearly three years since I've learned of Alana, and
the ways in which her life have twined with mine
haven't been lost on me. Who could have imagined that
I'd be here in Colorado reading her most intimate thoughts,
(35:09):
retracing her life, and revisiting the most shameful parts of
my own. Lately, my prayers to God have been angry
and bitter, and often I don't even bother talking to him.
But tonight I'm inspired to pray to someone who I
know will understand. Dear Alana, I don't know what to say.
(35:39):
I don't know why you did this, why you left,
why any of this happened. But I know that because
of you, nothing is the same. I can look ahead
and start to let go, let go of all the
hate towards myself, let go of the shame. Why because
(36:03):
I can see how bright you were, how deeply you
loved and gave and trusted. So I can look at
myself and begin to believe that maybe I'm not the
damaged person I thought I was, and that God hasn't
answered my prayers because he can't heal what isn't broken.
Speaker 7 (36:44):
The playing to right up against the fence behind us.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
Okay, I need you guys to evacuate the arey.
Speaker 3 (36:49):
Okay, I'm getting rid of Baig, but I can't get
my animal.
Speaker 11 (36:51):
With them with me.
Speaker 10 (36:53):
Nass evacuations in suburban Demo.
Speaker 4 (36:56):
Fire broke out south of Bulger just after eleven this morning.
Speaker 2 (37:00):
And Louisville residents racing home from work to save their
pets and keepsakes.
Speaker 8 (37:05):
I don't know where to go out towards Denver.
Speaker 9 (37:08):
Evacuate now.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
On December thirtieth, twenty twenty one, I get a text
from Joyce. A wildfire broke out in Boulder and high
winds are spreading it rapidly throughout the area. The Chen's
family house is located smack in the middle of the
fire's path, and over thirty seven thousand residents have to
evacuate the area immediately. Sophia Alana's younger sister rushes home
(37:33):
to grab her stuff.
Speaker 11 (37:35):
And we're driving up to her house that we can
barely see, and the whole front lawns on fire. And
I run out the car with dust like hitting me
in the face and all these smoke and ash, and
I pause on our front steps and just see this
like fire so close to me. I just looked at
(37:56):
my house. I was like, it looked like I was
in a completely different place, even though I knew I
was at home.
Speaker 5 (38:03):
Since then, nearly six hundred homes have been burned.
Speaker 8 (38:07):
To think of the many families tonight who have lost everything, walked,
all their belongings, locked their home.
Speaker 2 (38:14):
The Chens would lose their house, Alana's childhood home in
the Marshall fire, the very house that her sister Carrissa
brought me to. It would burn to its foundations, with
nothing structural left standing. Sophia, I remembers the emotions from
that day.
Speaker 11 (38:31):
I just was really really upset because I was trying
to cherish those memories of my sister, and I had
all these things of hers, Like when she first died.
I would rum into their own room and try and
find answers, try and find the writings for her to
(38:55):
me that like saying that she loves me, like just
writing about me. I like to hear that selfishly. But yeah,
it was we wanted to keep her room to remember,
and it was like another thing was just taken away.
What was left of her was just completely stripped away.
Speaker 2 (39:18):
It's almost too much loss to bear her sister. And
now this the room they preserve to remember Alana, with
her clothes and artwork and books, was being engulfed by
uncontrollable flames, and Sophia had precisely one minute to find
something from it to save.
Speaker 11 (39:36):
But I ran up right to my room. I grabbed
a box of the stuff I had taken from college
and some pictures, and then I ran into my sister's
room and I didn't know what to grab because there
were so many things in there, but I grabbed a
poem she had written a little note, and then I
(39:58):
ran out, Do.
Speaker 2 (40:01):
You happen to have the poeme? I do.
Speaker 13 (40:04):
Yeah, It's actually quite beautiful because I kind of associate
rainbows a lot with my sister, and I kept saying,
I was like, I feel like I'm getting signs from
my sister.
Speaker 11 (40:20):
I feel like my sister is sending me double rainbows
for some reason.
Speaker 9 (40:23):
But it goes.
Speaker 11 (40:27):
I am mortally wounded, deeply unstable, but I stand between
the Lord and the shining sun, his promise of mercy,
and the twofold rainbow, the solid ground and the shifting sands,
the holy wind, the dark clouds, the lightning strikes, the thunder, the.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
Rain, the grassy plain and the velvet foothills. The sun
shines from far beyond the mountains to well past my house.
Surely I will fall tonight, but I will rise again tomorrow.
I am deeply unstable and mortally wounded, yet I stand
between the Lord and his holy covenant. I'm deeply troubled
(41:10):
and completely unstable. But I'm held by his gaze. He
slumbers not now, I wake to the shadows of his face.
Tomorrow that shadow will fade into a brilliant light, and
the shadow will never return. You've been that brilliant light
(41:32):
for me, Alana, mystically guiding us on this journey. They
were right about you all along. You are a saint.
Speaker 9 (41:49):
I will follow you, follow you wherever you might go.
Speaker 1 (41:58):
There is.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
Dear Alana was created, hosted, and written by me Simon
kent Fung and is a production of Tenderfoot TV in
association with a Slept Audio in the Center for Independent Documentary.
It was produced by Lori Pulisky and edited by myself
and Laurie. Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay.
Our supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional production by
(42:25):
Matthew Pusti. Original music, written, recorded, and produced by Lori Pulisky.
Additional music by Makeup and Vanity, Set story editing by
Donald Albright and Lauri Polisky, and mixing and mastering by
Cooper Skinner. Sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our voice actor
is Alana Rabor and our credit song I Will Follow
You is by to Loose Yeah.
Speaker 11 (42:46):
I remember I added it to my New York playlist
on Spotify because we used to watch Sister Act all
the time as kids and they sing that song like
the choir sings that song, and we.
Speaker 9 (42:59):
Used to sing the song. Bye.
Speaker 11 (43:01):
Textit to her October seventh, twenty sixteen. Alana, you should
listen to the song I Will Follow You by Toulouse.
Speaker 2 (43:12):
I love it.
Speaker 11 (43:13):
It's so pretty.
Speaker 9 (43:16):
I will follow you ever since you've touched. Thank you.
Speaker 2 (43:25):
Special thanks to Orren Rosenbaum, Shelby Shankman and the team
at UTA, the Nord Group, Sean Gordon and backmedia and marketing.
Show notes and resources can be found on our website,
Dearlana dot com. If you enjoyed the show, please take
time to follow it, rate and review. Your feedback is
greatly appreciated. So many people supported me in the two
(43:47):
year journey of making this show, but I couldn't have
done it without my producer, composer, and friend, Laurie. This
truly was a labor of love. Thank you to Emily Shaw,
Tracy elits Kaplan and Shannon Minter for your day one support.
To Bill Glenn, Father, James Allison and Eunice Park for
your mentorship, Jonathan Gaily, Josh and Brooke, Harrison, Lucas and
(44:08):
Avon Fernandez, David and Carrie Clark for hosting me at
your homes, Matt Polus for your studio, SoundSpace and Boulder.
To my friends Danny and Newton, Christopher Dowling and my
Impact team, and all those who gave feedback along the way.
Thank you to Donald for believing in this story and
for all the late nights. To my entire family, Mom, Dad, Margaret,
(44:30):
Kevin forgetting me the tape recorder for my birthday, and
of course Vivian. Finally, my deepest gratitude to the Chen
and Calvo family, Carrisa, Sophia, Sammy, Mike, and to Joyce.
Thank you for trusting me with Alana story.
Speaker 9 (44:48):
There is in notion Sudi Monton so high keep me
away away from lone
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