Big Words for Being Cheap with Chelsea + Catherine

Chelsea and Catherine discuss why you probably shouldn’t discuss murder during commercial air travel, several different ways to call someone a cheapskate, and caller followups that make Catherine cry.  Then: Lesbian bed death becomes a good thing.  A badass success-story makes a caller’s friends cringe.  And a teacher’s co-workers are having an affair… and everybody knows.

*

Trigger Warning: this episode mentions suicidal ideation in general terms.

*

Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail]

*

Thanks to Betterhelp for sponsoring our new segment, Calling In Backup, and to Courtney Cope, Licensed Marriage Family Therapist and Principal Clinical Operations Manager at BetterHelp.

*

Produced by Catherine Law

Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert

*

*

*

*

*

The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Good afternoon, everybody. It's me Chesty hand Job Libert and
Catherine Low Oh hello, Hi, Oh my god, you guys.
I was in Tennessee all weekend. I had dates in
I performed at Graceland, I performed in Knoxville and then Chattanooga,
so I thought, for sure, you know, there was going
to be trouble, and there never is.

Speaker 2 (00:21):
They were like three of the greatest tour shows of
my tour so far.

Speaker 3 (00:24):
That's awesome.

Speaker 2 (00:25):
And Tulsa was another highlight.

Speaker 1 (00:26):
All these random places that I'm like, I don't want
to go there because you know how I feel about Florida,
which listen, I know you guys are all dming me
about Florida, and I know that I have fans in Florida,
and I have friends in Florida that I want to see,
and I have relatives that my Rabbi lives in Florida.

Speaker 2 (00:43):
So nothing would make me happier than to go to Florida.

Speaker 1 (00:45):
But I mean, the only stance I could take politically
that matters is an economic one. And while it may
not make a difference if I don't go on tour there,
like hopefully other artists are feeling the same way. And
will do the same thing because it's just not a
place that I'm going to contribute when the laws are
so discriminatory.

Speaker 2 (01:02):
The NAACP just put out a travel warning for the.

Speaker 1 (01:05):
LGBTQ community and all African Americans that Florida is a
hostile environment.

Speaker 3 (01:12):
It's basically one large sundown town.

Speaker 1 (01:14):
It's exactly like that. Speaking of sundowners. I was on
a plane to Memphis this weekend going to perform at Graceland. Right,
this is my first time ever. So we went to Graceland,
but more on that later. And this man sat down
behind me. He was older, seventy ish. He was next
to a fifty year oldish and I was sitting next

(01:36):
to the man's wife, I think, and I was reading
my book. I'm reading Andrea Augusty's book right now, which
is really good, cool, and it's worth reading.

Speaker 2 (01:45):
Because he was addicted to Crystal Beth.

Speaker 1 (01:47):
I like, and his whole childhood about being controlled by
his father. But I love any addiction story, and I
like any affair story. I want to hear about cheating
and drugs. That's what I'm interested in. So I heard
this guy, the older man, and talk.

Speaker 2 (02:00):
And he's like, oh, yeah, where you from? Where?

Speaker 1 (02:02):
He had just come from Manila or something, and he
was like, oh, where are you from? And he goes, yeah,
you know, I somehow they just got right to guns.
And the guy goes, no, I just I want I'm
never giving my gun. They talk about giving our guns away.
I'm never giving my guns away. I don't trust this government.
And I'm gonna you're gonna have to shoot me if
you want my guns. You know what my guns are
for if the wrong person walks up to my door.

Speaker 3 (02:25):
And so I give me a chill down. My fine.

Speaker 2 (02:27):
So I turned around and between the two seats and
put my.

Speaker 1 (02:30):
Popped my head in and said, please stop talking like that,
because what you're talking about right now is murder and
I don't want to hear about it. And the older
man was like oh, Like clearly he had never had
anyone call him out on any ray. He was like, oh, sorry, sorry,
Like it was first they don't realize what they're sing
acceptable conversation to be having in a public space, you know,
never mind in a private one. But anyway, we weren't

(02:52):
in private space. And so he stopped and then they
were quiet for a couple of minutes. And then they
picked back up again, but this time he was talking
about and how the country's going to hell in a
handbasket because of all of the immigrants, and it's Biden's
fault and he hopes somebody shoots him before the election.

Speaker 4 (03:07):
WOA.

Speaker 1 (03:08):
Then I got up for the second time to get
my bag over my overhead bin to get my headphones
in so that I didn't have to listen to this nonsense.
And while I was standing, I said, do you know
how racist and disgusting you sound? I'm sorry, do you
know how racist and disgusting you are?

Speaker 3 (03:22):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (03:23):
And the both of the men just looked at me
and didn't say anything.

Speaker 2 (03:27):
And he was like, what, I go racist? You are
a racist?

Speaker 3 (03:31):
And because what do you think they're talking about when
they say the wrong person?

Speaker 2 (03:35):
We know what I said?

Speaker 1 (03:35):
Do you know that there was a boy that was
just shot three weeks ago because he was picking up
his two younger brothers and he accidentally went to the
wrong house, an innocent boy who was shot by a man.

Speaker 2 (03:45):
Like you do you know that?

Speaker 1 (03:47):
And then the guy just couldn't even respond, and my
heart was beating out of my chest. Yeah, and his
wife was like hiding in the corner for me, and
so I was like, oh, great, here we go, you know,
but I was shaking, and I was like, I couldn't
not say something because I just wouldn't be able to.
I wouldn't be happy with myself if I didn't. Anyway,
I sat down, and as I was sitting down, the

(04:07):
fifty year old Ish guy said, why don't you mind
your own fucking business?

Speaker 3 (04:13):
Pretty hard to do when they're talking in your direction.

Speaker 1 (04:15):
I said, in excuse me, what did you What did
you just say? I would love, I would love to
mind my own business, but unfortunately we're in a public
place and all I could hear is you talking about
murdering people.

Speaker 2 (04:27):
And then then they didn't talk again.

Speaker 3 (04:29):
You can talk about anything else.

Speaker 2 (04:31):
It's not working. Actually, just you now you're suspended.

Speaker 1 (04:33):
Yes, yes, it was so disgusting to think like that casually.

Speaker 2 (04:37):
And then I was like, oh, remind yourself. You're on
your way to Memphis. And then I thought, oh god,
this is going to be tough.

Speaker 1 (04:41):
And I have to tell you, Memphis was one of
the most moving trips because we went to go see
where Martin Luther King was shot at the Lorraine Hotel and.

Speaker 2 (04:48):
Right next door to it. They have they have bought
in the.

Speaker 1 (04:50):
Hot Boughton, Oh god, they've that's from the guy on
the plane.

Speaker 2 (04:54):
I learned that from Boughton they had bought.

Speaker 1 (04:57):
They have bought, they have who knows what the churches
they have purchased the hotel. The hotel's part of the
Civil Rights Museum, and the Civil Rights museum that they
had in Memphis was phenomenal. It was at least like
a two hour ninety minutes to two hour minimum time,
which I appreciate that kind of information. It was so comprehensive,
all about MLK Junior and about all the other people

(05:19):
who had stood up for something for the first time
and real heroes.

Speaker 3 (05:24):
Well, and I'm glad it's part of the museum. I
know you had posted a picture of the hotel, and
I guess I just didn't even realize it was at
a hotel. You know, that wasn't where I pictured. I
don't know where I did picture it happening.

Speaker 2 (05:34):
But so you can in the museum.

Speaker 1 (05:36):
I in the tour, you walk in and you at
the end it is you see the hotel room exactly
how it was. But I didn't realize Martin Luther King
was only five foote seven. I realized that in the picture.
I'm like, how did I.

Speaker 2 (05:47):
Not know that?

Speaker 3 (05:48):
Yeah, he was not super tall.

Speaker 5 (05:49):
I know.

Speaker 2 (05:50):
Interesting.

Speaker 3 (05:50):
I always think that.

Speaker 2 (05:52):
I don't know why that's interesting, but it is for
some reason to me.

Speaker 3 (05:55):
Because it's a man of stature. Al right, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 (05:58):
But I mean, statue does an equal height, clearly, but
there's also an you know.

Speaker 2 (06:02):
And then we went to grace Lann.

Speaker 1 (06:04):
We got a tour of Graceland right before I performed there,
and that was really cool. I didn't expect it to
be that cool. I was like, oh, I mean, I'm
not a huge like Elvis fan. I mean, obviously I
respect what he did and how meaningful he was, but
I don't care about that stuff anyway. I was like
into the tour. We saw his house. They it's so cool.

Speaker 3 (06:22):
And it's still done. Yeah, Like how was there?

Speaker 2 (06:25):
It's yeah.

Speaker 1 (06:26):
And then they have had Lisa Marie Presley's casket there
already next to her son who died during COVID, and
then him and his parents, and I guess Priscilla Presley
was just denied to be buried there.

Speaker 2 (06:38):
Oh.

Speaker 1 (06:38):
She wanted to be buried with her family, which seems right. Yeah,
and she is a major part of his legacy. Like
I don't know, but maybe her and her granddaughter. I
don't know what the deal is with that.

Speaker 3 (06:48):
They just have a lot of sam and drama.

Speaker 1 (06:50):
Anyway, the woman at the thing was like, oh no,
Priscilla's not being buried here. I'm like, okay, copy that.
I won't ask again. But yeah, so that was cool.

Speaker 2 (06:57):
And then we went to doll Leywood.

Speaker 1 (06:59):
I had a full time an experience, and Knoxville was amazing.
Chattanooga was also so much fun. I just love going
to these southern towns. But I mean, I'm just gonna
have to keep crossing states off my list with all
of the legislation that is being passed.

Speaker 2 (07:12):
Right, I mean, Texas is a huge place to perform.

Speaker 1 (07:15):
I mean there's so many cities there that I go to,
and I'm like, all right, what am I doing about Texas?

Speaker 3 (07:19):
Yeah, it's like, can you just go to Austin? Probably not,
you know, you got a lot more.

Speaker 2 (07:24):
Oh you can, But do I want to?

Speaker 6 (07:26):
Right?

Speaker 1 (07:26):
Is that the right thing to do? So I have
to really consider all of those things. I want to
be really responsible and back up my action my words
with actions, not just you know.

Speaker 3 (07:35):
Well, I mean I know, you know a friend of
mine who is you know, traveling and performing as well.
She has been trying to get pregnant with her husband
and she had had an abortion that she had to
have because of an ectopic pregnancy a year ago. And
she basically was like, there's places I can't go because
if I need an emergency treatment for an ectopic pregnancy

(07:56):
or something else, which is like in her situation, more
likely to happen again. She's like, I just can't go
to these places. Yeah, it's right now, and that's not
safe for women, not safe for a lot of people. Well, Chelsea,
I have an update from a caller, and I'm really
excited about this one. I might have cried a little
bit reading it, but this is from Anna who called

(08:18):
in about her dental work that she needed help with.
And she you know, had a lot of guilt and
shame around her eating disorder which had caused the need
for this dental work. And so we talked to her
through that and Dear Chelsea listeners contributed to her gofund me,
which was really exciting. Anna says, Dear Chelsea wanted to

(08:39):
send y'all an update. First, I can't even begin to
express the depth of my gratitude to you, Chelsea Otsco
and the entire Dear Chelsea family for the outpouring of
support you've shown me in the last few months. Since
the podcast in December, the Ana from Dear Chelsea go
fund me page has raised over fourteen five hundred dollars
for my dental fund, and as of today, seven hundred

(09:01):
and twenty three people have donated. Oh these numbers speak
volumes to the power and compassion of the community that
you've cultivated through this podcast. From the bottom of my heart,
thank you, thank you, thank you. As a non profit
professional and marketer, I know the importance of sharing impact
stories to help people better understand the power of their donation.
So here's how you've changed my life to your Chelsea fam.

(09:23):
Over the last five months, I have gone to the
dentist monthly for batches of procedures aimed at repairing and
healing my teeth. In January, I went for a set
of procedures to repair three teeth and crowns. Unfortunately, it
was too late to salvage one of those teeth and
it had to be extracted. Ah but wait, there's more.
That could have been the end of that story, and
I would have had to live the rest of my

(09:44):
life missing a very important tooth. But thankfully the GoFundMe
allowed me to say yes to the process of a
bone graft and eventually an implant to help me salvage
that moler. Undoubtedly, being able to tackle these procedures with
urgency is saving many more of my teeth that otherwise
I would not have been able to attend to for
years due to financial limitations. My dentists confirmed this and

(10:06):
wanted me to make sure I sent this gratitude to
the dear Chelsea community for your support in this process.
Y'all have changed my life profoundly, not only with your donations,
but with your compassionate and empathetic messages on the GoFundMe
as well. Thank you for helping me heal on so
many levels. I'm forever grateful. Anna.

Speaker 2 (10:24):
Oh I love it.

Speaker 3 (10:26):
Yeah, well, it's awesome. It's so exciting.

Speaker 1 (10:30):
I see what happens when people care and are nice
and caring and sweet and empathetic and compassionate instead of
buying fucking guns.

Speaker 3 (10:37):
For sure, and also, like Anna came to us with
this issue, and was so vulnerable and open about the
shame she felt and guilt she felt, and that I
think for me was what was so moving about her story.
Is like she wasn't actually even here asking for money.
She was like talking about what she'd gone through, why

(10:57):
she felt like she'd done it to herself, and why
she deserved it when like none of that is true,
is all just head trash, and she deserves all the
good things.

Speaker 1 (11:05):
Absolutely, and a beautiful smile is everything.

Speaker 3 (11:09):
Yes, Well, we are back with our sponsored segment, calling
in back up with Better Help, and we have a
brand new therapist to help us out today, licensed marriage
and family therapist and principal clinical operations manager at Betterhelp,
Courtney Cope.

Speaker 2 (11:25):
Hello, Courtney Cope, what's happening.

Speaker 7 (11:29):
Oh, it's good to be here. Thank you for having me.

Speaker 1 (11:31):
Oh yeah, Well, we love Better Help and we love
referring people to Better Help.

Speaker 3 (11:35):
Yes, we love therapy. Well, we have kind of a
really tough question that we're gonna have Courtney help us
out with. Priscilla says dear Chelsea. I'm twenty five years
old and just finished graduate school. I've been with my
boyfriend for over four years. We're young. I know, but
I'm in a phase in life where I feel it's

(11:55):
time to decide if this is the person I'm marrying
or not. I love him so oh dearly. He's everything
that most women in my age complain about not being
able to find. He's sensitive, in touch with his emotions,
an excellent communicator, and he tries so hard at everything
he does. The problem, however, is that he's severely depressed.
He's been hospitalized twice for his mental illness and continues

(12:18):
seeking treatment today. He never gives up even when things
are really hard. He always takes his medication and is
extremely willing to try any and everything to help. But
despite his best efforts, nothing seems to really alleviate his hurting.
I don't know if I can live in fear of
him dying from this my whole life. I want children,
and I don't want them to lose a parent that

(12:39):
way either. Any advice, Priscilla.

Speaker 7 (12:42):
Wow, such an important question, and first of all, I
just want to commend this person for really weighing the
importance of this decision regarding a long term partnership and
potentially bringing children into the world together with someone. So
kudos to this person for wanting to make a thoughtful
decision here. Second of all, I think the broad theme

(13:05):
to this question is the one that we see a
lot in the therapy office, and that theme is I
love my partner, and they have so many great qualities,
and here's all the things I value about them, but
there's also this other thing that has me questioning if
we're a good fit. And so one of the biggest
pitfalls I see when people are asking this question in

(13:28):
their relationships is to make it specifically about their partner
or their partner's behavior, or their partner's issues alone, meaning,
my partner has this thing, and if this one thing
could go away, then we could move forward and everything
would be great. So instead, what I find to be
really helpful for people who may find themselves and you know,

(13:48):
listeners who may be listening to this and finding themselves
even in a similar quandary situation, is to take a
compassionate approach and approach this from honestly asking yourself, do
I have the capacity to love this person on their
journey wherever it will take them and wherever it will
take us? Am I equipped for that? Do I possess

(14:12):
the capacity? Do I possess the desire. Is this something
I want to put effort into because you get to
say in how you want one of the most important
decisions of your life, potentially marrying and creating children with
someone you know to play out.

Speaker 3 (14:26):
Does that make sense mmmmmm hmm.

Speaker 2 (14:28):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (14:29):
And as you mentioned having children with this person, as
Priscilla did, there is also something to consider about a
lot of times depression, anxiety. These things are hereditary, and
you know that can be past generation to generation, So
there is something to think about there as well when
you're choosing a life partner or somebody to approcreate with.

Speaker 7 (14:48):
And the other thing I want to point out is, look,
we any one of us. We could have a partner
who struggles with their mood or emotions. We might have
a partner who maybe spends more money than we're comfortable with,
or has a different sexual appetite than us. So we
may have a partner as a different religion or culture
than we are a part of. And none of these
things are inherently wrong. These are all just kinds of

(15:09):
typical things that we see in therapy, whatever the subject
matter is. So like, we have to be honest about
what our capacity is to be with someone who is
fill in the blank. And so for this specific person,
one thing that I would recommend is to start with
some self exploration here and inquire is this partnership with
this specific person and all that comes with it, the

(15:30):
good and the not ideal, is it really something that
you want and something you have the capacity for in
your life. Because if it is, then perhaps it's about
bolstering the support that you have for yourself and your
partner so that you have someone to help you when
you're helping your partner with their feelings of depression. Maybe
it's about getting in couples counseling with both of you
so that as a unit you two have support for

(15:53):
navigating these challenging situations. Or as a third option, perhaps
it's about acknowledging that this life path and this specific
relationship isn't it right for you? And that's okay too.
There's literally no right or wrong answer here. It's just
about being lovingly honest with yourself and not getting yourself

(16:13):
into a situation where when the rubber meets the road,
you'll feel resentful or full of regret for decisions you
made in the past.

Speaker 1 (16:20):
But how do you handle something when it's delicate like,
you know the other partner suffers from severe depression. You know,
I think that puts a lot of pressure on the
partner even thinking about leaving or breaking up the relationship.
There's a sense of responsibility that comes with that. So
what advice do you give to people who are making
the decision to say, Okay, maybe I'm not cut out
for this, maybe I don't want to bring children into

(16:41):
this dynamic.

Speaker 7 (16:42):
Yeah, I mean, look, relationship issues are tough because you're
dealing with two people's lives and potentially children's lives. And
so if this is one of those tough situations, like
you're mentioning you know someone who's dealing with depression and
you feel bad about leaving, I mean, there's all kinds
of reasons why we have to be really mindful about
the decisions we are making. And this person sounds like

(17:04):
they have a lot of great qualities right, Like they
are sensitive, they're doing all the things. Like, there's a
lot of reasons why this person loves their partner, And
if they aren't the person to be with them for
the rest of their life, there's gonna be someone else
who's gonna love them and accept them where they're at
I think where people get into trouble is where they
think this, these two people, we're together, and you have

(17:25):
to meet all my needs and I have to meet
all your needs. And if those two people aren't compatible,
sometimes the most loving thing is letting them go so
that they can go and find their better match.

Speaker 5 (17:35):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (17:35):
I think this question jumped out to me because whether
it's us that's been with a partner who's depressed, or
a friend, like everyone knows somebody who's been like I
can't leave them they're having xyz mental health issue. When
would you say? It's like, I mean, obviously we want
to prioritize our own mental health before we can like
reach out to another person. But what would you say

(17:58):
is sort of like the defining factor of I know
that I can't withstand a relationship with this person. What
would you say is the flection point there?

Speaker 7 (18:07):
Yeah, I mean it's the same thing that we hear
every time we board an airplane. It's put on your
oxygen mask first, and then help the person next to you,
or your child or your partner. It's like, if you're
finding yourself in a place in your life where you're
not able to thrive and function, in an ongoing basis.
I mean, every couple goes through rough patches, every person
goes through periods of feeling down. But like, if you're

(18:30):
not able to thrive in your own life because you
are self sacrificing just so that another person can live,
I mean, we're not meant to self sacrifice to the
point of our own depletion. We have to be radically
self responsible for our own happiness and our own path
and our own trajectory and give that other person the

(18:50):
gift of doing that as well. Like I think that
we make a mistake when we say I have to
stay with this person because they're depressed. It can sometimes
be the most loving thing to allow that person to
be on a journey where they're not feeling guilty. Like
they can read the room. They can tell, oh, my

(19:11):
partner doesn't enjoy being with me or spending time with me,
or is feeling resentful. So I think that's the elephant
in the room that I want people to hear, because
I see that in the counseling room a lot. You know,
the person who has depression, they know if you're resenting them.

Speaker 3 (19:25):
Yeah, And I think another thing to point out here
too is you know, we're not static beings. I think
one of the really cool things that Priscilla outlines is
that her partner is willing to try new things, you know,
down its taking his meds, etc. And I think that's
kind of half the battle, Like not that we can
bootstrap our way out of depression, but you never know,

(19:48):
like when that certain therapy is going to make all
the difference for him, or adding that extra drugg to
his you know, regimen, whatever the case may be. You know,
I have someone in my life who has been severely
depressed for years and it was like, Okay, we're going
to add this extra medication and therapy is going to
be two times a week, and it's made a huge

(20:08):
difference in how they operate in the world. So, you know,
you can have somebody who's like perfectly fine with their
mental health going along one day and then all of
a sudden something happens and it triggers years long depression
or on and off years long depression. So giving her
partner room to change and grow I think is huge
too if she feels like she can go the distance.

Speaker 7 (20:29):
Absolutely, And I love that she mentioned all these positive
things about him because it sounds like this is a
person who is a great partner and who would eventually
be a great great father as well. They possess some
of those traits and it's a matter of figuring out
what works best for the two of them, and if
they can partner together and move forward in a way
that's meaningful.

Speaker 5 (20:49):
Great.

Speaker 7 (20:49):
If there's a way maybe for this person to navigate
her own anxiety around having a partner who is depressed, like,
that's great too. Again, I just like to bring it
back to individual personal responsibility, because we cannot control the
choices of our partner and whether they're going to continue
to whatever, take their medication, go to see their therapists

(21:10):
or whatever. So it really comes back to what we
can control, and I think that's the most powerful thing
any individual can do in their own life.

Speaker 3 (21:17):
Awesome, Any closing thoughts healthy, I know.

Speaker 2 (21:20):
I mean, I think that's a tricky situation.

Speaker 1 (21:22):
But I think it's difficult for people to make those
kinds of decisions, you know, especially when you're dealing with
depression and possibly suicidal thoughts and ideations. You don't know
how deep somebody is, so it's very tricky. Yeah, I'm
glad that you're here to help navigate. Courtney, thank you.

Speaker 3 (21:38):
Thank you awesome. Well, thanks again to Betterhelp for sponsoring
this segment, and thanks to Courtney, who's a licensed marriage
and family therapist and principal clinical operations manager at Betterhelp
for being our backup today.

Speaker 7 (21:53):
Absolutely my pleasure.

Speaker 3 (21:54):
Awesome. We'll see you next time.

Speaker 2 (21:56):
Hi, Courtney.

Speaker 3 (21:57):
Bye, and we'll take a quick break, Chelsea, and we'll
be back to talk.

Speaker 2 (22:04):
To some callers, and we're back.

Speaker 3 (22:10):
We are back, okay.

Speaker 1 (22:13):
Well.

Speaker 3 (22:14):
Our first email comes from Leanne. Leanne says, Dear Chelsea.
I'm a thirty four year old lesbian female in South Louisiana.
My partner and I have been together for three years.
We have an exterior maintenance company that's very successful.

Speaker 2 (22:30):
Sounds very lesbian.

Speaker 3 (22:31):
It it's great. We work together, we live together, and
we basically do everything together. We're both in recovery from
extreme drug use, so we're both on a medically assisted
treatment called sabasone, and this medicine really affects our sex drive,
so we rarely have sex. The thing is, the rare
sex doesn't bother either of us, and we're both very

(22:52):
happy in our relationship.

Speaker 2 (22:54):
Great.

Speaker 3 (22:55):
Yeah, and we honestly don't have any problems in our
work relationship nor our home relationship. My question is this,
Is it healthy that we're both happy and content and
very much in love even though we rarely connect intimately.
Would love to hear an outsider's opinion. Thanks so much, Leanne.

Speaker 2 (23:10):
Yeah, who gives a fuck about sex? Same? I don't
give a shit about sex.

Speaker 1 (23:15):
I care about it when I'm in a relationship, when
I want to have it, but when I'm not having it,
I don't even think about sex.

Speaker 2 (23:20):
I mean, first of all, welcome to being a lesbian.

Speaker 1 (23:22):
I would imagine lots of lesbian relationships are sexless.

Speaker 3 (23:25):
Great lesbians are.

Speaker 2 (23:27):
A lot of heterosexual relationships.

Speaker 1 (23:29):
As well, So the only relationships that are not sexless
are homosexual met Okay, but no, I wouldn't worry about
that at all. You found your person. You have a
reason why you're not having sex. It's like a medical reason.
It's much more important for you to stay sober than
it is for you to have sex period.

Speaker 2 (23:48):
So you're putting your priorities in order, and I applaud you.

Speaker 3 (23:52):
Yeah, I totally agree. I feel like ninety percent of
the issue that any of us have with like sex,
with our partner is frequency. You know, so many people
have this issue. He wants it more, she wants it more.
Somebody wants it less. The fact that you're on the
same level is like amazing.

Speaker 2 (24:07):
Go to other callers.

Speaker 1 (24:07):
You want to get on the same meds as your
person so that you guys are on the same wavelength.
So Leanne, yeah, you're just fine, Leanne. Don't worry about it,
don't overthink things exactly.

Speaker 3 (24:17):
Just enjoy your partner.

Speaker 2 (24:18):
You know.

Speaker 7 (24:20):
Well.

Speaker 3 (24:20):
Our next question comes from Samantha. Samantha is calling it in today.
Dear Chelsea, I'm struggling with something I love your input on.
I have a friend who is having an affair with
one of our coworkers. Well, technically he's her superior, as
he's the principal and she's a teacher. She's recently divorced
and this affair was a huge catalyst to her divorce.

(24:42):
Oh she divorced. He did not.

Speaker 2 (24:44):
Oh, oh god, this is real. Juicy Hucy is my favorite.

Speaker 3 (24:48):
Here is why this is an issue for me. Eight
years ago, I was in a very similar situation, had
an affair with a colleague that led to the end
of my marriage. He though did not divorce and went
on about life as as usual. Not to get into
the sort of details, but this was hugely devastating to
me in many ways. I see so much of myself
and my situation in my friend, and yes, I know

(25:09):
I'm projecting a lot onto her. However, I also know
these situations aren't really unique. They generally end in the
same way devastation for at least one, if not many.
It's very hard to hear about her participation in this affair,
especially after her divorce and her now being the side
check to this married man. I've seen her melt into
an incapacitated puddle over this man. I've talked her off

(25:31):
the ledge several times and gotten her to free yourself
from him. But since they work together, they always end
up back together after daily and constant text calls and
in person meetings. Now they're regularly having sex at her home,
even when her kids are home and in bed, a
line she said she'd never cross. She refuses to see
it negatively at all. I can only see the negative.

(25:51):
She's my best friend and I don't want to lose her. Samantha, Hi, Hi, Samantha,
who how are you?

Speaker 5 (26:01):
I'm good? Thanks, Thanks, for having me.

Speaker 1 (26:03):
I have the same feelings as you do about affairs,
not that I've been completely guilt free of having them
in my younger life. I did, but I also am
very judgmental about participating in that because I just feel
like it's such bad jiju, Like there's no reason to
have sex with somebody that's married when there are so
many other people to have sex with or have an affair.
So I understand where you're coming from, but I don't

(26:26):
think there's anything you're going to be able to do
to convince your friend, ether than distancing yourself from her,
if that would make you feel like have a greater
peace of mind. I don't think there's anything you can
do to make somebody stop doing something that they're addicted to,
you know what I mean. She's in love, so that's
like an addiction and it's sad, but it's going to
have to play itself out and somebody is going to

(26:47):
get her, probably more than one person. But you know,
if you are constantly in judgment of someone, they're going
to stop sharing with you.

Speaker 2 (26:55):
And maybe that's what you want. I mean, I don't
know what would.

Speaker 1 (26:57):
You like to see, obviously, besides the affair ending your
relationship with her? Does ninety percent of it take up
this affair? Like, is that what you're always talking about?

Speaker 5 (27:07):
Yeah, I mean yes, when she's actively involved in it,
then yes it is. I would say ninety percent of
our conversations, our interactions are surrounded by that, whether it's
her personal meltdowns that she's having because of whatever has
recently happened, or whether it's her just being in turmoil.
You know over what to do, what to do, and
I'll give her the same guidance and she won't take it.

Speaker 1 (27:29):
And you've told her she I'm sure she understands that
you don't approve.

Speaker 5 (27:33):
Yeah, she understands that. And I mean part of the
situation is that I was also in that same situation
eight years ago, and so I project onto her my
own experience and I know how this is going to end,
and it's not going to be good. There is no
good way.

Speaker 2 (27:48):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (27:49):
And I think to even like make it more pointed
of your situation versus her is, if I'm doing my
math correctly, she's about the age that you were when
that happened to you correct exact age, yeah, yeah, yeah, And.

Speaker 2 (28:00):
So are you willing to take a step back from
the friendship.

Speaker 5 (28:03):
Yeah, yeah, and I have. That's the thing. Like this
whole school year, we've been kind of back and forth
between being super close when she's off, you know, and
I'm proud of her, I'm a cheerleader, I'm encouraging her,
and then the next thing, you know, I feel her
kind of distance and then if I call her on it,
well then she's upset with me.

Speaker 1 (28:20):
So it is like an addiction for her, you know,
it's like addict behavior. Yeah, I would try to just
remove yourself from her. I understand you want to be
a good friend, and you should be, but there's no
reason to subject yourself to her when she's basically using
her drug, you know what I mean, Like, you don't
have to be up there for the upside downs of it,
and when she comes crying to you. You don't have

(28:42):
to be so available to her in that way. You
can just say, like, listen, as a friend, this is
so unhealthy. I've been watching this now for however, how
long has it been going on for?

Speaker 2 (28:52):
In total?

Speaker 1 (28:52):
Two and a half years, Okay, so that's plenty of
time for you to have drawn your own conclusion about
why this is toxic. For her, And did she leave
her husband hoping that the principal guy would leave his wife.

Speaker 5 (29:05):
Yeah, yeah, she won't admit that, but that's exactly what happened.

Speaker 1 (29:08):
Well, of course, I mean, and what's his plan not
to leave his wife?

Speaker 5 (29:12):
No, I mean I think he'll continue having affairs because
she definitely wasn't his first one. So this is how
he lives his life. And he believed that he can
keep his marriage separate from you know, other women, and
that that's his mindset and belief.

Speaker 2 (29:25):
So does he know that, you know, he does?

Speaker 5 (29:28):
The reality is there's about twenty people that know that.

Speaker 6 (29:31):
I know.

Speaker 5 (29:32):
I mean, who knows. You know, it's like a spider work, right, yea,
because she's pull multiple people. So he knows that.

Speaker 4 (29:36):
I know.

Speaker 5 (29:37):
I was there on the ground level when it began,
and I mean, he trust me, but he would he
would die if he knew that all these people.

Speaker 3 (29:44):
No, well, he's going to get caught. I mean, yeah,
every bet he gets caught. If twenty people know that,
one hundred and fifty yeah.

Speaker 2 (29:50):
Right, exactly. Probably some of the students know.

Speaker 3 (29:53):
Probably probably.

Speaker 2 (29:55):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (29:56):
There was a pastor at my church when I was
growing up who, like everybody thought was the BEA's knees
and he was great. I never liked him, but he
wound up having an affair with one of the other
people at the church, and kids would come up to
his kids and be like, oh, is that your mommy
with your daddy?

Speaker 2 (30:14):
Like the kids could spot.

Speaker 3 (30:15):
It even when they were just standing next to each
other at a church function. Like people know, like people
can read between the lines, and also people talk yeah,
oh yes. Is there any world in which like he
actually has an open marriage.

Speaker 5 (30:28):
Probably not, no, no, no, no no, because he's very
careful about his wife not finding out. And he would
also be just I mean he could be fired for sure.

Speaker 2 (30:38):
Uh yeah, yeah, for sure, he could be fired.

Speaker 1 (30:41):
Part of me, I mean if I kind of want
to like tell on him because he deserves whatever is
coming his way.

Speaker 2 (30:46):
But yeah, you don't want to do that to your friend.

Speaker 1 (30:48):
You want to just I think you just want to
be a little bit firmer in your boundaries and explain
to her that this isn't a situation that you enjoy
watching her be a part of and compare it be
like it's like watching an addict go back and forth,
and I know that this is not going to work
out the way you want it, and you're not being
honest with yourself. You're pretty you know, delaying the rest
of your life. The next person that's supposed to come

(31:09):
into your life is on hold because of this of
this bullshit.

Speaker 2 (31:13):
And you know, people have to learn their lessons their
own way.

Speaker 1 (31:16):
Unfortunately, you know, you could tell the truth as long
as you want, but you can only tell the truth
in your sense of like creating a boundary like this
isn't working for me anymore.

Speaker 2 (31:24):
I'm not interested in.

Speaker 1 (31:25):
Picking up the pieces every time your heart gets broken
or you're having a meltdown. This is not a good
use of my time. It's starting to weigh heavily on me.
You know, not even start it obviously has been for
some time, and just create boundaries with her that you're
not going to be social with her or hang out
with her while she's seeing him, and it's just not healthy.

Speaker 3 (31:44):
Here is a question that I have for you, Chelsea.
Do you think it's like we can't have a relationship
or it's I love you, I want a relationship with you,
But you can't talk about him positive or negative, broken
up or together, Like you cannot talk about him with me.

Speaker 2 (31:57):
I don't know. I mean, I guess that's an option
for everybody. Personally.

Speaker 1 (32:01):
Setting a boundary about what you're allowed to talk about
is not a friendship.

Speaker 2 (32:05):
You know what I mean.

Speaker 5 (32:05):
I've read I tried that right.

Speaker 2 (32:08):
And it doesn't necessarily work.

Speaker 1 (32:10):
Like you can't talk to me about this, It's like, well, okay,
then we're how are we friends? I think you could say, like,
I love you, I will always be here for you,
but not for this.

Speaker 2 (32:19):
I'm not interested in this anymore. It's been too long.

Speaker 1 (32:22):
You're not learning your lesson, and you're continuing to kind
of poison yourself with this man's behavior, and you're gonna
get caught on top of it, and then her job
is at risk, not only his job, but her job
is as well.

Speaker 5 (32:34):
Yeah. Yeah, And just the reputation. You know, a female
processes that I think so much differently than a male,
and I just know that she would be crushed shattered.

Speaker 3 (32:42):
Well, and people process that about the scorned woman differently
than they do about the guy, you know, I mean,
she will have a different reputation in the community. And
it's obviously a small enough community that like, people know
and people are talking.

Speaker 2 (32:56):
People do know, and they're Yeah, I'm sure they're talking.

Speaker 1 (32:58):
And also it's just karmically like for me, I'm not
doing anything that's going to bring back any negative karma
in my life.

Speaker 2 (33:07):
That was what my twenties and thirties were for.

Speaker 1 (33:09):
I don't do anything that is going to be perceived
like you.

Speaker 2 (33:14):
Don't a want to harm another woman.

Speaker 1 (33:17):
Let him go fuck someone else that is less informed,
you know, I don't want to. She doesn't have to
screw his wife over in this way, because that's essentially
what you're doing. It's not just him doing it. You're
choosing to betray his wife.

Speaker 5 (33:29):
You don't have to.

Speaker 1 (33:30):
Aid him in betraying his wife. Let him go do
that with someone else, you know. If he's single, gets divorced,
then of course that's a different story. But that's not
the story right now, and you don't have to be
part of that story. And I think creating boundaries for
that is exactly what you should do. And don't feel
any guilt about it. You're doing the right thing. You
don't want to be exposed to it anymore.

Speaker 5 (33:49):
Yeah, well, I appreciate that because I have had a
lot of guilt.

Speaker 1 (33:53):
Yeah, no, no, no, you shouldn't have any guilt. Why
would you have guilt? What do you have guilt about?

Speaker 5 (33:58):
Just about betraying her as a friend. You know, she's
been a good friend to me.

Speaker 2 (34:01):
She's like, oh, but you're not betraying her.

Speaker 5 (34:04):
Well, I guess just not. I don't know, maybe kind
of taking the easier way because this is hard. It's
hard on me, you know.

Speaker 2 (34:10):
No, no, no, no, no, you're not betraying her.

Speaker 1 (34:12):
Betraying her would be telling everybody about it and outing her.

Speaker 2 (34:15):
That's a betrayal. You're not betraying her.

Speaker 1 (34:17):
By setting up boundaries, you're actually setting up a guardrail
to protect her and yourself.

Speaker 2 (34:23):
You don't want to know any more information.

Speaker 1 (34:25):
You don't want to have any more information in your
head to ever have it come up or discuss it
with another person. Betraying her would be telling other people
about it, you know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (34:34):
Betraying her. There's a million ways to betray her. This
is not one of them.

Speaker 1 (34:37):
You don't need to feel guilty for having a moral
compass in this situation.

Speaker 2 (34:42):
You know, I understand people cheat.

Speaker 1 (34:43):
All the time and they're having affairs all the time,
but it's your exposure to that affair that is what's important,
Like as long as you're not part of it, you know,
then you're not aiding and embedding something like that.

Speaker 3 (34:53):
Sometimes real consequences in our lives are what make us
change our behavior. And a real consequence for her that's
not blowing up her life, but is a real consequence.
Is you saying I can't be your friend again until
this is well and truly over, you know, when we
lose relationships.

Speaker 5 (35:10):
Yeah, I can speak from personal experience that the consequence
is what will will change the behavior. So okay, well,
I so appreciate you ladies.

Speaker 2 (35:19):
So what are you gonna do?

Speaker 7 (35:21):
Well?

Speaker 5 (35:21):
I am going to stand my ground with the boundaries.
And I told Catherine call I actually requested a transfer
to a different school for other reasons, not just this.
I have some other personal reasons. But I'm honestly so
looking forward to it, like I can't wait to get
out of here and get out of this mess environment.
And if she chooses to leave, I mean she should,
She needs to leave more than I do.

Speaker 2 (35:40):
I'm seriously she should transfer too.

Speaker 5 (35:43):
Yeah, yeah she should, But I made up my mind.
You know, I can't make her do that.

Speaker 3 (35:47):
And honestly, this actually brings something else up for me.
I think it's a really good thing for you to
be getting out of that sort of like soup of grossness.
I have someone in my life in my life who
didn't she knew about an affair. It was a coworker thing.
It was like this person always came to her talking
about the affair. It literally made her physically sick, and

(36:10):
now she's dealing with the consequences of that illness. But
really and truly, I believe and she believes it's like
part of what caused her chronic illness.

Speaker 5 (36:18):
Yeah, I don't need it, so I'm looking forward to
what's next.

Speaker 2 (36:22):
Well, good for you. You seem like you're solid.

Speaker 5 (36:24):
Yeah, I think so now eight years ago not so
much totally.

Speaker 1 (36:29):
Well, you know what you learn and listen, I did
that once when I was young, and I would never
ever do that again, no matter what, Like it's just
not worth it.

Speaker 5 (36:39):
Yeah, I would never do that to myself. I'll never
do that to myself again because just I can't even
think about the anguish and like I was on the floor.
I mean, it's just it's shameful.

Speaker 3 (36:49):
But yeah, yeah, but no, you no better.

Speaker 1 (36:52):
Well just tell her that anguish is easily available elsewhere.

Speaker 3 (36:57):
Right, like in regular dating relationships.

Speaker 5 (36:59):
Yeah, yeah, right, Well this has been a dream come true.
Really truly.

Speaker 2 (37:05):
Thanks man, Okay, thanks, take care, bye bye.

Speaker 1 (37:09):
Solve that, Chelsea M Well, I don't know if we
solved it, but I wish women just didn't do that.

Speaker 2 (37:17):
Men too many men, so many men. Why don't you
fuck somebody that's married?

Speaker 3 (37:23):
He's also like by that definition, like not a good
one or another shitty one, but they're.

Speaker 2 (37:29):
Getting divorced for what for him? Like what?

Speaker 5 (37:33):
Right?

Speaker 3 (37:34):
Like it caused her a divorce and like still this
man's poor wife doesn't know. Yikes. Well, our next caller
is Amelia. She says, Dear Chelsea, I've been dating the
same guy on and off for nearly two years. I
love him dearly, and most of me wants to stay.

(37:55):
But I have a few serious reservations due to one,
how he's treated me in the past six months while
he's dealing with a health crisis, and two his seemingly selfish,
cheap tendencies. I just listed my condo and we talked
of moving in together when his lease ends, but now
I'm having doubts and wondering if I can tolerate the
way he operates for the rest of my life. Regarding

(38:16):
his above selfish cheap tendencies, here are a few anecdotal examples.
He frequently plans social events or dates, yet more often
than not lets me treat or splits the bill down
the middle. I'll fully admit that part of it's my
fault for constantly offering. Mind you, he literally makes fifty
thousand dollars more than I do and has lower bills
and expenses. We live in a mountainous area and go

(38:38):
hiking or skiing most weekends, and since I have a dog,
he pushes to always use my car instead of his,
which puts wear and tear on mine. In addition to
not offering to chip in for gas, I've flat out
told him before I cannot keep up with your spending
and if we're going to take my car most times
I would appreciate if you split gas with me. He
will agree and then suddenly, quote unquote forget. He occasionally

(38:58):
will make a point to pay, but it does it
in such odd ways. We recently went to the movies together,
for example, and his contribution was to venmomy for both
of our water bottles. I'm not sure how to approach
this topic with him, or if I should throw in
the towel, as generosity in a relationship is a deal
breaker for me. I'm overly generous, forgiving and patient, yet

(39:20):
I have to plainly and repeatedly ask him to contribute
financially and in other ways in the relationship while I
love him dearly. This, coupled with his constant excuses of
his recent health crisis, is getting old help Amelia.

Speaker 2 (39:33):
Hi, Amelia, Hey, how's it going?

Speaker 3 (39:36):
Hi God, how are you good?

Speaker 4 (39:39):
Thank you?

Speaker 3 (39:40):
So can you tell us a little bit about what's
the health crisis?

Speaker 2 (39:44):
You didn't?

Speaker 3 (39:44):
You mentioned it, but didn't really expound on that.

Speaker 4 (39:47):
Yeah, he's been dealing with a series of neurological I
don't know that I want to go too much into
detail just for the sake the constant headaches, fatigue, trouble sleeping, focusing,
mood swings.

Speaker 2 (39:59):
Except so that has nothing to do with him being cheap.

Speaker 1 (40:02):
So yeah, I would say, if I honestly, I have
a real problem with paucity or thenuriousness, which is a
two words for being very cheap. I feel like it
is much more than a money thing. It is a
personality thing, and it is tight holding onto everything for yourself.

(40:23):
All the examples you've listed made my skin crawl. I
find that irredeemable, you know what I mean? I just
I can't to express enough that cheapness is just not
about money. It's just about what you are willing to
give of yourself, your generosity of spirit, your generosity of attention.
And because you're always always preoccupied with saving money, that

(40:46):
is your number one you know thing in your mind
is like, how do I get away without paying this?
How do I trick her into driving? And then I
send her money for a fucking bottle of water on venmo?
I mean, please getting married and space in your life
with somebody. There are going to be so many hurdles
that you're gonna have to cross, and there are going
to be ups and downs throughout a lifetime. Naturally, you

(41:08):
don't even want to deal with the money aspect of
this shit, you know. You want somebody who's like minded,
who's like, oh, yeah, let's split it evenly or or yeah,
and maybe it is your fault for offering it up
too much, but who cares. He shouldn't have accepted that
all the time, he makes more money than you, and
you're in a relationship.

Speaker 2 (41:25):
Yeah, I get it. People want to be fifty to fifty,
but not down to the tea like that.

Speaker 1 (41:29):
It's icky to the penny, it's not attractive, and they're
gonna not be attracted to him after a while if
you already you know, I mean, I'm sure I can't
imagine it not having an impact on your sex life already.

Speaker 4 (41:41):
Yeah, And to be clear, he's phenomenal, he's a great person,
but there's only so many.

Speaker 2 (41:46):
Times better be Yeah, with that fucking quality.

Speaker 4 (41:50):
I mean, there's only just so many times. And it
just kind of makes me feel ick to have to ask, right,
like please sir?

Speaker 3 (41:55):
You know, yeah, I very much agree. I'm in the
same boat with Elsie. If there were a fix for this,
I wonder first questions. First, if you guys are going
to move in together and you are actually thinking about
spending more of your life with this person, is there
a world in which you'd combine finances, because it kind
of would negate the entire thing.

Speaker 4 (42:16):
Well, I think he's I should have probably added this.
I'm pretty ambivalent when it comes to getting married and
having kids. He's pretty set it on not so I
can't imagine that he would be open to being on
the mortgage with me or something like that, So that
would probably be a no. I haven't asked that question though, yet.

Speaker 2 (42:32):
Okay, Yeah, I just I think you know the answer
to this question.

Speaker 1 (42:35):
But when you wrote in, I think you're already on
your way out, and I think I encourage that exit.

Speaker 3 (42:43):
Yeah, I mean you do allude to like there are
other ways he's stingy more than just money, and like
just money is pretty big and pretty icky. It may
help you could try it for a few weeks to
be like, okay, time for you to get out and
pump and pay for gas, like just being very direct
about it, which I find sometimes helps when I've been like, hey,
could you Sometimes you just got to be like, here

(43:05):
you go. I'm gonna sit in the car while you
pump and pay or whatever the case may be. But
it does feel like this is emblematic of bigger things
in the relationship, right Amelia.

Speaker 4 (43:16):
Yeah, I mean I don't think that anything's ever going
to be like fifty to fifty of the time, but
it doesn't. It shouldn't be like ninety ten ninety percent
of the time.

Speaker 3 (43:24):
Oh for sure, for sure it should not.

Speaker 1 (43:26):
And why have you guys broken up, you said on
and off for two years, Like what were the issues
that broke you up?

Speaker 4 (43:32):
I think that he will not have anything that inconveniences him.
He doesn't have a history I think of long committed
relationships from what I've been told, so various reasons, but
they actually weren't related to money.

Speaker 3 (43:45):
Okay, Smurprisingly, I think if you needed a last ditch,
if you guys weren't going to combine finances like when
you move in together, if you move in together and
get to that point for other people who might be
having maybe a lesser version of this, you could always
have a combined slush fund of like here is how
much you contribute, how much I contribute, And since you
point out the disparity and how much you guys make,

(44:06):
it should be a percentage of what each of you make,
so that it's even in a way that's not like
monetarily the same dollar amount.

Speaker 4 (44:14):
Now that makes sense, and I think that's more than fair.
So yeah, I think that's a great yea.

Speaker 2 (44:18):
Cool Okay, And you know where I stand?

Speaker 4 (44:20):
Yeah, no, I did.

Speaker 5 (44:22):
You've made it pretty clear, so.

Speaker 3 (44:23):
Okay, all right, let us know how it goes. Well,
Thank you, all right, thanks so much, hebe.

Speaker 1 (44:32):
It reminds me of I remember my friend dated this
guy and he was always I mean, at the minute
I met him, I was like, is he cheap or what?

Speaker 2 (44:40):
Because he's so and.

Speaker 1 (44:42):
You know how I am with money, I don't give
a shit, yeah at all. And I was like this
when I had no money, which is why you get money.

Speaker 2 (44:49):
It's true.

Speaker 1 (44:50):
Tighter you hold onto money, the easier it is to lose.

Speaker 2 (44:55):
Yes, the less you hold onto money, the more comes
your way. That is a fucking of life.

Speaker 3 (45:01):
I fully believe that. The more you're just like, oh, money,
isn't this like big cloud over my head, It's it's
in and out, it's always moving around. That is what
helps it flow through you.

Speaker 2 (45:11):
What I wanted to say is the more tight your
grip is, the more you tighten your grip, the more
likely you are to lose something and someone to and
someone exactly. When you cannot control your emotions or your
feelings towards something, that is a bad sign. My friend
had this guy and I remember him bringing groceries over
and she was cooking or I don't remember. I definitely wasn't,

(45:35):
and she was.

Speaker 1 (45:36):
He was literally looking at he had like a six
pack of beer that he had brought over and I
went to grab a beer.

Speaker 2 (45:43):
She went to grab a beer, and he's like, we
only have four left.

Speaker 1 (45:46):
And it's like wait, wait, wait, wait, you just brought
a fucking beers over.

Speaker 2 (45:50):
What is the what did you want to happen?

Speaker 1 (45:53):
Nobody to take any And if you're sitting there counting
that and you're counting money, how are you present?

Speaker 2 (46:00):
Why are you present when you're preoccupied with saving?

Speaker 3 (46:02):
Yeah? And how are you enjoyable to be around? Also,
like when you have an open hand, it just it
fills you up in a way that you can't even explain.
It's not tangible, but it also is tangible, you know,
like you see it come into your life. People are
generous with you when you're generous with them.

Speaker 2 (46:20):
It's more of an energetic thing, you know.

Speaker 1 (46:22):
And I guess people who aren't consumed or you know,
don't care about that. They don't care about energy or
karma or whatever. They think of it as concrete money
that they have that is going missing and that they're
losing this when they spend this. And it's one thing
to want to save money, but it's one thing to
hold onto something that's going to go away anyway, like
fucking food or beer or you know, tangible items like

(46:45):
all of it is just it's not important enough to
get upset about and to obsess over. So I have
a brother who's very, very cheap, and it's a big
turn off. M It'll fly to let's say California from Jersey,
but he'll stop over in Atlanta and perhaps Texas in
order to save money to get to La. I'm like,

(47:06):
why not go to Guatemala, you fucking moron. Why don't
you have LA over there?

Speaker 3 (47:10):
There is like a mental and emotional toll that that
also takes.

Speaker 1 (47:14):
I remember the first time I was in with my
brother Glenn. I was in a hotel room. We were dating,
and I went into the mini bar to grab something.
Goes don't take anything out of there, it's too expensive.
And I looked at him and was like, if you
think that I'm going to live a life where I
don't get to eat or drink shit out of the
mini bar, then you're fucking out of your tree. Like

(47:36):
I am going to take out of the minibar and
then you're gonna pay for it.

Speaker 3 (47:39):
Sorry, Glenn, No, that is sort of a mental shift
that I mean, I had to make at one point
from being like, oh my gosh, I don't have any
money whatever and being like, wait, no, I do need
a drink of water, and it's worth seven dollars to
have this drink of water.

Speaker 1 (47:55):
Well, you know, I was broke for many years when
I moved to LA I moved here when I was
in iteen years old, and I waited tables and I
barely scraped by and I didn't have money, but I
had credit cards and I used them not sparingly. I
use them all the time. I mean I acted like
a hot shot when I wasn't a hot shot. I
take all my friends out to dinner all the time.
I racked up like thirty sixty grand worth of debt,

(48:18):
and I watched all my friends do the same thing,
not to the degree that I did. But you know,
file bankruptcy like girls were filing bankruptcy because back then
you could, I guess that's probably the same now. I
haven't had to contemplate that in recent years. But you
could just get new credit cards, like a week after
you filed bankruptcy, so you started it all again. They

(48:38):
expunge your whole previous record and you get to start
a new and I never did that because I was like,
that's so dishonest.

Speaker 2 (48:44):
I know I'll make the money to pay back. I
know I'm going to make money.

Speaker 1 (48:47):
And sure enough I did, and I was able to
pay back all of that debt in a matter of
probably months once I started, you know, really like hitting
it and making real money. And it felt so good.
It felt good to pay off my debt. It felt
good to not be in debt. And so I understand
like the notion of stressing out about you know, you
have a lot of debt to pay, and that's one thing.

(49:09):
And so I don't want people to get confused about
being broken being cheap, you know what I mean, Yes,
you can be broke, and you can also not be cheap.
You can just be like you have to have confidence
in your ability to be able to earn that money
at some point in your life and pay your bills
and also not to hoard things.

Speaker 3 (49:28):
Yeah, for yourself. I mean, it's not it's not even
like about how much you have. It's about your willingness
to share what you do have. Yeah, like that, I think,
you know, especially traveling, like that's what you see in
so many other cultures like here, we're very about you know,
keeping up with the Jones is. Here's what I have,
here's my benchmarks. But like in so many other cultures,

(49:49):
when you travel like people who have so much less
than you are so willing to give everything they have,
you know, come stay with me, come have a meal
in my home. Whatever, And that's what it's about about
being open handed.

Speaker 1 (50:01):
With what Oh, I have a really moving story. This
is kind of like me patting myself on the back,
but fucking who cares. I always like to leave a
tip in the in the hotel room for the chambermaid
or the cleaning lady, whatever the you know.

Speaker 2 (50:11):
Whatever they prefer to be called.

Speaker 1 (50:13):
I think chambermaid is from the seventeen hundred, so probably
cleaning ladies more apt are appropriate.

Speaker 2 (50:18):
Sorry, sorry, sorry, I'm from Canada. Now sorry did you
hear that? It flipped? It slipped out? My my Canadians
are having such a big influence on me.

Speaker 1 (50:26):
Anyway, I want to say so, I always leave money,
and when I'm in really small towns that I think
people are suffering, I leave more money. And obviously I
don't have any financial issues. Now I have a healthy
financial situation going on.

Speaker 2 (50:40):
So when I'm in a.

Speaker 1 (50:41):
Small town or a worse town, I'm like, oh, I
should just give more money because these people are even
more they need it more, right, right, So over one
weekend when I was on tour, we were in Grand Rapids, Michigan,
and I just thought, you know what, fuck it, I'm
going to leave. I had a hundred on me. I said,
I'm just going to leave a hundred. This is a
nice thing to do instead of going down breaking change

(51:03):
that I don't need. So I left one hundred dollars,
walked out of the room and I was sitting there
waiting at the elevator, and the cleaning lady ran up
to me with tears in her eyes and hugged me
and said, thank you so much. You just made my
entire month. And I was like, no, you just made mine.
You know, because you don't know how you're helping people.
So if you are in a position where you do
have money, please be generous with these people like we are.

(51:26):
You know, with inflation and everything that's going on, Like
twenty dollars isn't what it used to be right now,
it's not, and you have to make sure you're thinking
of all these people when you're in a position to
think of them. I know, if you're broke and you
don't have twenty dollars to leave housekeeper that when you're
staying in hotel, I get it.

Speaker 2 (51:42):
You don't have to leave twenty dollars, but leave whatever
you can.

Speaker 1 (51:45):
If you can leave something, you know, you're impacting and
then you're causing this beautiful ripple effect of goodness wherever
you go. You know, you leave it around, and the
more you have, the more you should share.

Speaker 3 (51:57):
Absolutely, it goes back to you know, what we were
saying on the season finale. You know, my dad's saying
is always you're blessed to be a blessing. And when
you have blessings, whether that's financial or spiritual or mental
health or whatever, it is, good things bubbling up in
your life. Passed them along. Yeah. Yeah, Well, our last

(52:20):
caller today is Katie and this actually goes right with
what we're saying. So this is this is perfect. You're Chelsea.
I'm a woman in my mid thirties who crafted an
amazing career and can provide for my super hilarious family
of four five if you count our loving doggo When
the pandemic hit, my husband lost his primary income. He
was an independent contractor for a travel company that was

(52:41):
devastated by lockdowns. There wasn't any time to panic when
our financial situation changed. We kept our heads down, figured
out a plan, and pushed through it. He and I
always find a way to make opportunities out of disasters.
He's the hardest working guy I've ever known. I have
a full time job in the tech industry and an
academic side hustle. Sometimes it feels like both have taken
off almost faster than I can keep up with. I

(53:03):
went from being a stay at home mom and part
time psychology student to a formidable breadwinner, and ultimately I'm
happy that things have turned out this way. My husband
went back to school to become a lawyer, and I
was able to pay his tuition. He's finishing his law
degree this semester and has already secured a contract at
the top rated law firm in his field. Here's the thing.

(53:24):
We've grown accustomed to not telling others about our accomplishments
throughout this process, as we continued to level up and
our hard work started to pay off. Anytime we shared
some details about ourselves, like getting promotions, buying a new house,
giving speeches, et ce. Some friends and family would remain quiet,
say very few words or past sarcastic remarks. For example,

(53:46):
when Hubby got into law school, some people from our
inner circle said, oh okay, and that was the extent
of their feedback. I'm the kind of person who will
shout from the rooftops on behalf of my friends and family.
Although not everyone is a hype girl, A big part
of me was at a more congratulatory reception. Don't get
me wrong. There were so many people who've been supportive
of us, and I understand the three years in lockdown

(54:07):
knock the wind out of everybody's sales, so it might
be hard to rejoice on behalf of someone while you're struggling.
I totally get it. Somehow, hitting massive milestones without the
support of people who intimately know your journey feels different.
I'd really appreciate your thoughts on this matter. As we
grow our personal wealth, succeed in our careers, and elevate
to a new status or whatever, is there an inherent

(54:28):
isolation that comes with advancement. Best Katie hiy, Katie Hi,
How are you good?

Speaker 2 (54:34):
How are you doing.

Speaker 5 (54:36):
I'm doing well.

Speaker 6 (54:37):
I'm very happy to be here with you and Hi
gun conference.

Speaker 3 (54:40):
Hi.

Speaker 1 (54:41):
Well, what I would say first and foremost is that
your success and your milestones and all of the hard
work you guys have put into everything isn't contigent upon
other people's reactions. Mike, I understand what you're saying.

Speaker 2 (54:53):
I've been there.

Speaker 1 (54:54):
I've had people been very close friends in my life
not be happy for major accomplishments that I've had. And
that's just there's really nothing you're going to be able
to do about that, going from person to person and
being like, why aren't you happy for me?

Speaker 2 (55:08):
Are you jealous?

Speaker 1 (55:09):
Are you upset with your own You have to be
doing all of these things for you, which you are,
and looking for outside confirmation is going to be a
losing battle. You just can't depend or to be disappointed
in that, and you and and maybe it's a lesson
for you to maybe not maybe your accomplishments are supposed
to be celebrated between you and your husband. Look what
you guys did accomplish like it's fucking badass, that's incredible,

(55:33):
what you've done, that you supported him and were able
to do that for him, after him working so hard
for so long and then changing his career trajectory, and
now he's already got a job, so he's going to
actually be able to, like, you know, return the favor
to you if and when that's necessary, And like, there's
already so much goodness. Don't look outside for confirmation and
affirmation that comes from within. And the better you get

(55:56):
at that by celebrating each other with each other, the
less interested you're going to be. And what other people
think about.

Speaker 5 (56:04):
It, Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 2 (56:05):
I'll say this.

Speaker 6 (56:06):
I wasn't really seeking validation from anyone. I was just
kind of sharing news when people were asking, hey, like
what's going on?

Speaker 5 (56:12):
How long are you?

Speaker 2 (56:13):
Yeah?

Speaker 6 (56:14):
Yeah, And I would, you know, share something positive kind
of in this newer realm of career for me because
before my career took off, I was the adventurous one
who always got in trouble. So I'm kind of also
wondering maybe I was typecast in a way as like
that kind of crazy, fun girl and then I became

(56:35):
quite serious. So I don't know if maybe that's a factor,
but you're right, I definitely don't need to seek approval
from anyone else.

Speaker 2 (56:42):
Oh and who knows what's going on with other people.

Speaker 1 (56:44):
Maybe other people feel like you're bragging, or maybe other
people feel bit shitty about what's going on in their
own lives and they don't have room to celebrate you
because they're struggling with something that you don't know about.
You know, like this is good stuff, You've got good
vibes going. Don't let other people rate on that parade, period,
and don't shove it in people's faces necessarily, especially if
their feedback hasn't been what you had wanted it to

(57:05):
be or hoped it would be. Maybe there is something
going on with that person. Maybe you want to check
in with them about what's going on with them. And
you know, before you kind of advertise your good news,
I'll never forget.

Speaker 2 (57:17):
This is a perfect example.

Speaker 1 (57:18):
I was waiting tables and I got signed with this
management firm when I was in my early twenties or
mid twenties, and I walked into this restaurant I used
to work at called Chiavannas, and there was a morning
meeting and everyone at the restaurant is trying to be
an actor or an actress or a writer or whatever.
And I walked in and I was so excited that
I got representation, Like I was like, I just got
represented by the same people who represent you know, I

(57:40):
don't know who it was at the time, probably TYR
Banks or something.

Speaker 2 (57:43):
And I was like, oh, that's my new manager.

Speaker 1 (57:46):
And the whole table just looked at me like no
one gives a shit, like we're all fucking struggling here
and you're coming in here like you know, you're the
king of the you know, the queen of the thing.
And I was like it was a lesson for me, like,
don't spread your good news where it's not you know
what I mean, Like.

Speaker 2 (58:02):
Know your audience too.

Speaker 3 (58:03):
Yeah, you gotta read the room.

Speaker 1 (58:04):
And when you're in a one on one with a
close personal friend like or a relative like, then that's
the moment to be like, oh my god, I'm feeling
so great about everything we've done. But just be careful
about spreading good news because you don't want you don't
want other people kind of reigning on your parade, even
in their private moments. You know what if they're like, oh,
she's so full of herself. She thinks she's accomplished this,
and or she used to be so much fun and

(58:26):
now she's so serious, Like all of that is just noise.

Speaker 2 (58:28):
It doesn't matter. What you're doing matters.

Speaker 1 (58:31):
Your relationship with your husband matters, and what you've done
and cultivated is beautiful and that's all you need to know.

Speaker 6 (58:38):
No, thank you, And you're right. I think I am
just going to be kind of selective, you know, about
what I do and don't share, And that's fine. I
don't want to come off as braggadosius anyway, that's not
that's not my goal.

Speaker 2 (58:49):
No, not at all.

Speaker 3 (58:50):
But yeah, I think you know, there's room to talk
about what's going on in your life. Like I had
a friend like this who you know, when I, I
or anybody else in our friend group would like talk
about any sort of career successes, she would sort of
like smile through her teeth. I'd be like, that's so
great for you, but you could tell she was very
upset by it. And she has become a person like
because other things outside of career have improved in her life. Now,

(59:14):
she's like genuinely can like spill over with happiness whenever
anyone talks about something good that's happening for them. So
you just you know, you never know what's going on
for them, but like, I think it's okay to talk
about what's going on in your life and if it's
received with some lukewarm emotions, move on.

Speaker 6 (59:29):
All right, excellent, Thank you both. That's It's kind of
what I was hoping to hear.

Speaker 2 (59:33):
So thank you, good well, congrats on everything. We're happy
for you.

Speaker 6 (59:37):
Thank you, thank you so much.

Speaker 2 (59:40):
Thanks Katie, bye.

Speaker 3 (59:41):
Ladies, Bye well Chelsea, what a fun episode we had today?
Oh yeah, lots of lots of money.

Speaker 2 (59:47):
Stuffs, cheap cheap stuff, cheap stuff.

Speaker 5 (59:52):
Cheap stuff.

Speaker 1 (59:53):
Wow, Juliana Marghilly's just texted me. We have to put
her back on the new season.

Speaker 3 (59:58):
Oh my gosh, it.

Speaker 2 (59:59):
Won't be the same without her.

Speaker 1 (01:00:00):
She's not texting me about that, but she's texting me,
and it reminded me we have to use her for
every season because.

Speaker 3 (01:00:05):
She's a she is a fan favorite. I still get
emails all the time about like, when are you having
Juliana back on? So we'll have to have her post haste. Chelsea,
do you have any tour dates or anything else that's
coming up that you talk about.

Speaker 1 (01:00:18):
Yes, I have all sorts of shows on sale now,
you guys, I'm coming to the Kennedy Center in Washington,
d C. Check Chelseahandler dot com and Yeah, New York, La,
San Francisco, all the good ones you guys. They're all
on sale and we're adding shows, so if your city
sold out, look again.

Speaker 3 (01:00:34):
Courtney Cope's input is general psychological information based on research
and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational
in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established
clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Courtney's
feedback is in response to a written question, and therefore
there are likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also,

(01:00:57):
just because you might hear something on the show that
sounds similar to what you're experiencing, beware of self diagnosis.
Diagnosis is not required to find relief, and you'll want
to find a qualified professional to assess and explore diagnoses
if that's important to you. If you are your partner
or in crisis and uncertain of whether you can maintain safety,
reach out for support like crisis hotlines and local authorities

(01:01:18):
have a safety plan that can be done with a
therapist too. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us
an email at Dear Chelsea, podcast at gmail dot com
and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea
is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine
Law and be sure to check out our merch at
Chelseahandler dot com