June 15, 2023 • 53 mins
Sex with Emily’s Emily Morse is in the studio today to talk about finding out what you need before you can get in the mood, being present during sex, and why scheduled sex is actually the hottest sex of all. Then: a twenty-something finds herself celibate after a herpes diagnosis. And an expat is upset about her German boyfriend’s parenting style, especially when it comes to permissiveness about sex. And a newly single mom needs help NOT getting back in the saddle.
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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at DearChelseaPodcast@gmail.com
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Executive Producer Catherine Law
Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert
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The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea. How are you well.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
I mean, I'm pretty good. I'm in New York City,
as you know, and I well, I had a fun weekend.
I went to Syracuse, New York to film this movie.
I did a cameo in this movie where I played
the mother to an Asian boy. So I guess that's
from my relationship with Jokoy. Maybe I don't know, but
it was a surprise when I met him, which you know,
(00:25):
it was great. And then I came down to the
city because I have shows this weekend, and there is
a fire in Canada, and they are telling people in
New York City not to go outside and to limit
your time outside because the air quality is so bad.
It is so ominous looking in the city, and it
is what I imagine it must have looked like after
nine to eleven. There is this like smoke and haze
(00:46):
that is just covering the city. It is brown like,
it is a light that I have never seen, and
it is very apocalyptic.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Do you feel it like in your lungs when you're outside.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Well, I'm not outside because you can't really, I'm just
getting driven back and forth from one thing to the next.
So yeah, it's really really scary, and this is what
our future is going to be, like a bunch of
fires and smoke and not being able to go outside
for days at a time.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
And on that note, what's going on with you, Catherine?
Speaker 3 (01:15):
Well?
Speaker 1 (01:15):
I am currently recording from a car because my power
went out, So here we are. We're just you know,
the show must go on.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
I feel like the world is ending right now and
may may end during this recording.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
That's absolutely true. Luckily, my mom came to visit this
last week and we had a lovely time. We just
did super girly stuff like shopping, We got our nails done,
we got our hair done, picked out some makeup, bits
of Laura. It was a doorball.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
It was just that's nice. Yeah, that's cute. I'm glad.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Yeah, So what's your weekend?
Speaker 2 (01:47):
Well, I'm gonna go see a play tomorrow night that
I'm excited about. Oh no, it's not a play, it's
a girl's stand up show. My friend Natasha Leone is
directing this show. So she texted me and she was like,
we need people to come and I was like, oh okay,
So I'm rallying the troops and I'm gonna go see
that tomorrow. I love watching other stand ups when I don't.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Know them amazing, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
I love watching new stand up. It's like so aspiring
because all those people that we've had on like Osco Mateo,
it's so nice to be around them and spend time
with them. Like I have this whole group of like
young comics in my life that I just love being
around because it just is so original. You're you're around newness,
(02:28):
you know what I mean. I love newness. I like
anything new. But it's been so nice to be Like
one of them was like, you've been such a supporter
of us. I'm like, you don't know how much you
guys are giving me. You're giving me my kind of
oomph and stand up too, like being around people who
are fresh and excited about it and new about it.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
And doing something different and have a different vibe.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
Yeah, Vanessa my number one, my number one stunner who
opens for me on all my tour dates and if
you've seen me on Little Big Bitch tour or or
actually vaccinated in Horny, she was with me too. Because
now we're in because I've declared her to be my
daughter and I'm her mother. She's my e hut. I
gave birth to her when I was twelve. And yeah,
that's what I've got going on. Girl.
Speaker 4 (03:10):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
We added some more stand up dates too. We added Portland, Boston,
added second shows in Portland, Boston, Los Angeles and some
other cities. But anyway, there's lots of second shows and
I won't I'm gonna try because of scheduling, because I
have something after this tour. If there are tickets available
in your city and you want to come to the show,
(03:31):
by them, because I probably won't be adding second shows
again because of scheduling.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
You got some traveling to do this summer.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Oh that's right, girl, I'm gonna getting ready. I'm gonna
get my condoms ready, Chelsea.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
I am having a little bit of a problem at home.
You know, I've got these two puppies and they are siblings,
and let's just put it this way. Laddie and Wendell
really like to hump. They like to hump, they like
to be humped. There's like a whole there's a lot
like Mimsy's even gotten in on the action. But what
is actually like the worst thing is that sometimes Lottie
(04:07):
will like try to bite Wendell's penis and he gets
really really into it. I don't know whether just to
like let them be dogs or to try and break
it up. I usually like ask them to stop, but
it's they just wrestle in this way that's really uncomfortable
for me.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
I don't know what to say about that. I don't
know what happens with sexual assault among dogs. How you
handle such things?
Speaker 1 (04:32):
I know, and I'm like, you're literal. He loves it.
It's it's actually horrifying. He'll like put his little paw
on the back of her head and like go crazy.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
It's why she's giving him a blowjob, exactly.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
It's and then sometimes like Mimsy will get behind Lottie.
This sounds like I'm making it up, but it's really
like there's so much simulated sex going on in my household,
and I'm really uncomfortable with that.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Oh oh, I don't want to see my dogs have
sexy though. Her niece is with us today though, right,
she's nice for your niece. Are you a sexy object
to me? Because she's such a ball of fluff. She
was so excited to come for a ride today.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
She is incredible and She's just like a peach. She's
just sitting down there being.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
A doorable, I know. And then my little and then
my houseman Felix, who is diminutive, so he is little.
He just texted me and said, where's Bernice? Do you
have her? That's that's what's going on in my house.
She's just at okay, do you know where you are?
Speaker 1 (05:30):
You's still your own dog today. No, she is incredible.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
I wouldn't react well if somebody was going down on
her or she was going down on someone else. I
wouldn't like that at all, especially if it were brothers
sister action. No, but the dogs aren't really related, just
the other two just a little too.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
But MIMSI she has never humped another dog in her
whole seven years, but she like loves to hump Lottie.
And it's just a lot. It's just a lot.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
Yeah, it sounds like it.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Well, speaking of sex simulated or otherwise our guests today
is pretty exciting.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
She's the host of the award winning number one sexuality
podcast which is called Sex with Emily. It's been on
the air for nearly two decades, and you can pre
order her book, which is called Smart Sex How to
Boost your Sex IQ and Own your Own Pleasure that
comes out June thirteenth, and she brought a lot of
toys for both of us, Catherine, so we can just
(06:24):
all go after this. We usually thrupple up because that's
her husband over there, and I have intercourse with both
of them on the regular good time. We're all Mennonites,
so that's what we practice. Okay, So Emily, Hi, nice
to see Chelsea.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
I'm so happy to see you.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
You're all about sex and how to have healthy sex,
whether you have a partner or whether you don't exactly
talk to us about what you discuss in your new book.
Speaker 5 (06:50):
Okay, my new book called Smart Sex, How to Boost
your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure. So for twenty
years I've been talking to people about sex and dating love.
And I started this because I was having bad I
was faking orgasms until I was like in my mid thirties.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
I think we've all been faking orgasms. I mean, as
a young person, I faked orgasms all the time because
I didn't have It's too hard to explain to somebody
what to do you don't know them that well. It's
not coming casual sex with someone. It's just like, now,
as a woman, I know what to say that's good.
As a younger.
Speaker 5 (07:22):
Person, I wasn't even young. I was in my mid
thirties though, Chelsea. I was like, I was having a lot,
and I just thought that it was I thought it
was just me. I didn't realize this was like almost
twenty years ago, and I realized that nobody was talking
about sex, and so I started a podcast and started
interview people out their sex life, a relationship, went back
to school, got my doctorate. But then I realized, now,
after all these years, it was a lot of the
same questions every single day, from people saying, how do
(07:45):
I have an orgasm?
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Which all with my penis.
Speaker 5 (07:48):
People want a quick fix when it comes to sec
They're like, can I can I buy a vibrator and
that's gonna help me?
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Can I use lube?
Speaker 5 (07:54):
That might help you? But what this book is really
about is that sex as wellness. Sex has always been
like the bastard child of the health and wellness industry.
They're like, oh, sex should just be something that magically
works for you. But I created these five pillars of
sexual health and wellness. For example, one is embodiment, like
am I in my body during sex? My health infects
it as well, like if I'm at a certain medication,
(08:16):
I'm gonna be dry, I'm a certain time of life.
So the book kind of walks you through all these pillars.
So it's embodiment embodies being like in this moment, I'm
feeling like it's not a meditation stuff too, because most
of the questions I get asked people are like, I'm
distracted during sex, I can't really feel I'm numb, I'm
fantasizing by someone else, which all that happens, and it's
that's a terrible thing, but when we really want to
(08:37):
be connected and have great sex, like my quest is like,
what does just great sex mean? And so I realized
that the pillars are like being in your body, even
if it's just for a minute, saying okay, like I'm
looking at my part or I'm looking in their eyes
or breathing together, my hands are on their body, like
usually we are just kind of somewhere else. So one
of the pillars is like, can I be present even
for a minute. And I know you meditate, I mightitate
(08:58):
as well. Sometimes I just kind of think if I'm
distracted and fantasizing about something else. I just kind of
take my five senses and I'll say, what am I
smelling right now?
Speaker 3 (09:07):
What am I hearing?
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Right now?
Speaker 5 (09:08):
I'm feeling my hands on their body, and it immediately
grounds me in the moment. So I has some of
those practices. One of the top questions is why can't
I have an orgasm during sex? It could be medication undertaking,
it could be trauma, and he'll trauma. So this kind
of helps people realize it, like, oh, if I had
trauma twenty years ago or something happened to me that
might be impacting my ability to orgasm, or I might
(09:28):
be on the birth control pill, I might be on
a ninety depressant. And the weird thing is, Chelsea, people
don't make those connections because sex is sort of siloed
into this area where like, well, it was amazing at
the beginning, why can't it always be wonderful? And so
I kind of help people figure out, like, no, it
could be your birth control, it could be your blood plessure, medication.
So that's the second one. The third one is self knowledge,
(09:50):
like how well do I know myself? Like I know
that if I walk into with my partner or any partner.
I walk into the house and it's like freezing cold.
If it's messy, if I still have shit in my mind,
I'm not going to be aroused and turn on and
ready for sex. Like I kind of run through my
pillars and diagnose myself. Sometimes we're like, why are I
turned on and ready to go? Because I think we're
(10:11):
Do you ever feel like you're not in the move
for sex and you don't know why?
Speaker 3 (10:13):
Yes, all the time, So this is gonna happen.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
I mean we're in a relationship. Especially that happens I
think more frequently than it does when you're in sane
exacting after a year.
Speaker 5 (10:22):
Sex right, and most people I think after a while
they don't want to in a relationship. And I and
we think that we should just be turned out like
a drop of hat like and then we're not. So
I think about like if it's yeah, like things are
a mess, it's freezing in my house. I don't feel
great in my body. I have an exercise, so that's
one thing. Then other ones like self acceptance, and that's
like confidence, like how do I feel like when you
(10:43):
walk around all day and I'm sure I know you
hear this from people if we hate our bodies, like
we're like, oh, GOI I don't feel great. I don't
want to be naked in front of anybody. Why do
we think we're gonna be able to like strip down,
get naked and be ready to go if all day long,
I am like not feeling good about it. So I
have like mantra and things people can do to feel
a little more confident. I just realize that's one area
(11:04):
that I got to work out. And the fifth one
is collaboration, and that's the that's the big one. Like
most people Chelsea do not talk about sex to their
partners at all, and they expect them to be mind readers.
And I have a lot of tools how to awkward
conversations about sex because again, people just expect like it's
just good to be great. And I teach people how
to have like give feedback, like you've ever been with
(11:26):
someone and you're like, it's just really I wish that
they would go down anymore. For example, I wish they
would kiss me slowly. Why they pounding away me like
a jackhammer?
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Again?
Speaker 3 (11:36):
How do I tell them to stop?
Speaker 5 (11:37):
And so I have tips for like talking about your
fantasies and making it hot.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
Yeah, because I think what most people come up against.
I think is the pressure of when you're in a
long term relationship and the honeymoon period has worn off,
and you expect sex to remain or be the same
as it was in the beginning. It's very unlikely that
that stays the same. Although there are exceptions to everything,
I guess the dialogue is the real crucial component because
(12:04):
people aren't easily able to express what they want from
a partner. That's for fear, mostly of hurting that person's feelings.
Exactly right, It's all fear based. We are so afraid
that we are going to be unlovable, that a partner's
going to reject us. That most people are mute and.
Speaker 5 (12:19):
They silently walk through sex because we always go back
to the honeymoon phase, which is a biological condition. It
lasts six months to two years. In every relationship, that
will be the hot of sex. Like, I'm sorry to say,
you're never going to go back to that stage where
you can't wait to rip each other's clothes off. But
most of us are so attached to that phase that
we're like, well, I got to get back to that,
(12:39):
and I want people to know like you're not. It's
never going to be as great as it was. However,
we can kind of hack that. Essentially, this is getting
people to think about, like what can I do if
I know I got to work on my arousal. I
got to figure out how to tell my partner that
this is what I need to be turned on. And
it might be a toy, it might be lou it
might be getting to like stop talking or whatever it is.
(13:00):
And so it just kind of like hack your own
arousal because we know sex is important.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
I had an interesting situation where somebody once wherever, they
were very aggressive with me, not in a sexy way,
like in a slobbery way. And this was somebody I
dated for a little bit, you know, and we had
a lot of great chemistry and we had great sex,
but there were times where this person would just over
and kiss me like you know, too much, like yeah,
And I couldn't figure out the right language of how
(13:27):
to address it because it was like it was just
sloppy to me, like it wasn't romantic, it wasn't sexy.
I felt like I was being too aggressive, like a
face rape, like an attack, right and what I said
to the person was it was a him. What I
said to him was, hey, give me space to come
to you, like, let me come to you like I
(13:48):
want to be initiated. I want to initiate. When you're
kissing me like that, I can't kiss you back because
I'm just receiving it hadn't over. I mean it went over.
I was more. I mean it went over five.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
He got it, well, no.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Because he got it in the moment, but he didn't
get it long term.
Speaker 5 (14:06):
This is the right, Okay, So this is like the
long term solutions in here that you can continue to do.
I always things like talk about outside the bedroom and
not in the moment because since so I don't know
about you.
Speaker 3 (14:16):
I grew up with shame around sex.
Speaker 5 (14:18):
I had no sex education, and I felt like if
I had to bring up sex to my partner, they
brought something to me. A lot of us at least
I go in fight or flight, I'm like, what did
do wrong? I'm a terrible lover. You hate my vagina,
you hate my but and so just realize, like it's okay.
We're not used to people talking about sex and kind
of giving people tools to talk about like outside the bedroom.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
We're not still got text in the bedroom.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Okay, the bedroom.
Speaker 5 (14:41):
Is like it's too vulnerable. I'm like, save it for
sleeping and for sex if you can. Well.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
It's also like when you're fighting, it's better to talk
about a fight sometimes after it's happened hot while you're
in it, and like you just let that diffuse, and
then after when you're both a little bit calmer, you
can say, listen, this wasn't okay or blah blah blah.
But yeah, sex is tricky because, yeah, people have a
lot of issues around it and body and there are
bodies and feeling confident. There's a lot of insecurity.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
Yeah, exactly, there's the insecurity.
Speaker 5 (15:08):
And also since nobody is really talking about if you
think about it, we talk about it like yes, I
had sex, I didn't have sex, but we're not really
into like what is actually what do we actually need.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
To be aroused and turned on?
Speaker 5 (15:19):
Clearly there's a direction there and maybe they'll come in
and I'm like, I'm not even I'm still finishing my
work email, I'm not even ready to go, and then
I'd feel like pressure to get turned on and aroused
and I'm not, And then I realized in this book
through myself knowledge and figuring out what I wanted. It's like, oh,
I need to have downtime before I even see you.
(15:39):
I need to have showered. If I keep bringing this
up because like I realized when my house is freezing now,
like I will not be in the move for sex
if it's dirty I have if the sheet someone else's
sheets aren't clean. And so I've learned to like kind
of hack my arousal if you will, so I know
that all these things need to happen, and not like
to be like high maintenance, but just take the pressure
off myself that I'm always going to be.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Set yourself up to Yeah, and tell my partner that too.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Yeah, set your partner up for winning too. I mean,
you're helping both of you when you're honest about your feelings.
You're not demanding something. You're saying this is what I
would prefer, this is what's going to help me get
in the mood or be more attracted to you, or
be more aptive to have sex.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
One of the things that happens in our bedroom is
I for a while was shamed by my husband for
wearing socks during sex.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
How does that all the time with all three of
us actually, which is really appropriate.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
It's true, it's true. But I just found it was
like it makes me more comfortable, it makes me more
I don't know. Maybe it's like I'm when I have
to wear socks because my toks get cold. But then
I finally read that women actually can have a higher
likelihood of orgasming when they wear socks because you're you're
not distracted by cold feet or whatever. The thing is
(16:51):
the dirty sheets, the I'm the opposite.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
I want my feet out and free because I don't
like warmth. I see, like you're saying your house is gold,
be gross, sut if I walked into the house as
you war. Okay, this is what.
Speaker 5 (17:03):
I'm saying is that everybody's different, but we assume that
it should just work for us. So I had to
like through this self knowledge, and I do give people
in smart sex the step that I give like a
question throople. They can say, do I know that I
need to have had a conversation with my partner beforehand?
Speaker 3 (17:18):
I need to have.
Speaker 5 (17:19):
Done something fun with them, you have like physical touch
or I need all of these certain things to happen
because otherwise it's just the sex is gonna happen, so.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
You know, and also people should be better at reading
the room and see if it's an appropriate time, right like,
and and if somebody's tired, exhausted, came home from the gym,
is you know, like those aren't the moments to go
in on someone and be like, oh, like you know,
you have to be able to read your partner and
see when they're open to that and when you should
give them a little bit of space.
Speaker 5 (17:47):
Yeah, exactly, and then figuring out figure out where they
need to taste, but also figure out when is the
right sex time for sex to happen. So like, I
know that it's not gonna happen from me ten o'clock
at night. Most nights, I'm exhausted, I'm a bad I'm
doing my thing. I don't so my partner comes home late,
they want have sex, so I'm reject. I'm like, no,
that's not when I want to have sex. So then
I had to figure out, well, when do I want sex?
(18:07):
Most partners have missmash the beidos like just to want
to set that up. There is always in every relationship,
there is the high desire partner and the lower desire partner,
and unfortunately two high desire power and too low desired
partners never come together.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
They don't, so.
Speaker 3 (18:21):
Then you got to like trouble shoot.
Speaker 5 (18:23):
So if I to my partner, I'm like, don't even
try because I don't want to feel bad rejecting you.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
Again.
Speaker 5 (18:28):
Let's figure out when it's going to happen. So I'm like, okay,
made late afternoons is great, early Saturday mornings might be great,
but all these other times aren't or even scheduling sex
and people think that's the least sexy thing on the planettain.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
People, that's probably exactly what they want, right, No what
people right?
Speaker 5 (18:47):
That's true, they could, but some po are like, I
don't want to look at my calendar like pick up
dry cleaning, pick up the kids, fuck my partner.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
You don't want to see that.
Speaker 5 (18:55):
But then you know, though Saturday night tonight, I can shave,
I can breathe, I can clean the house, whatever the
things you need to make sure that that night that
you have sex, you can do all the whether it's fantasized,
whether it's not going out beforehand, masturbatee, all the things
you got into toys or charge so you can be
ready and not leave it up for chance. And you
think that this seems obviously most people are. I get
(19:16):
hundreds of questions a week from people, and that's the
point I was like, I kind of just have people
figure out themselves, because you guys can't talk. Don't you
want to answer every email you get.
Speaker 3 (19:24):
I do that idea, absolutely, and I can't.
Speaker 5 (19:27):
And then it's the same things, and I'm like, this
is going to help people smart sex. I'll help people
go through the rubric of questions and be like, oh,
this is why I can't get a mowner. This is
why I'm not turned on. And so you know, I
want to put the power in the people's hands if
they crack their own codes of sexuality.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Yeah, because like it turns me on when I'm in
a relationship and I go to the guy I initiate.
That's a turn on for me. So when you're coming
at me all the time, hitting on me all the time,
try and have sex with me all the time, that
is a turnoff. You know. I'm the type of person
like when I'm meeting you, when you make the first move, yes,
but once you're in a relationship, and that's how a
lot of people feel like, well, I want it to
(20:04):
be my idea. I want to go to you like
that's sexy to me, you know, giving them a look
or putting your hand on them and like yeah, let's go.
It's like and then you know, usually obviously the reception
is good, but I would like to be able to
do more of that, especially in my next relationship.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
I want that good.
Speaker 5 (20:21):
And so see, this is so good that you know
that that's a self knowledge portion and most people don't
even know that much.
Speaker 3 (20:27):
They've never even thought about it.
Speaker 5 (20:28):
But to be able to say to your partner in
a loving one of all these ways that people can do,
like their tone right and like timing and the tone
to have these conversations, but to be able to say,
you know what, I really love being the one that initiates.
So it doesn't mean that like I don't want you initiate,
but maybe like for the next few weeks or something like,
that's going to be on me and I want you
to know it's coming, but right now, for the next week,
please don't initiate.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Well, there's this also this fallacy that if you talk
about sex too much, you're losing like, you know, the
sexiness of it. And I would argue that that's exactly
the opposite of the truth. Like the more communication you
have about anything, the more on the same page that
you and your partner can be. So the difficult conversations
that may be challenging are worthwhile if you you know,
(21:10):
if you gather up the courage to have the conversation,
you're going to be rewarded with the results most likely.
Speaker 5 (21:16):
Exactly, it can be hot, I mean, and that becomes
because what we mostly crave in long term relationship is
novelty and spontaneity and something new. And when you get
over the shame the stress. In the book, I talk
about this the pleasure thieves, which is stress, trauma, and shame.
Those are the three things that are keeping us from
having sex. Once you get over that, you're like, Okay,
I'm going to get rid of my hang ups strong sex.
(21:37):
Talking about sex is actually becomes like fun. Like you're
talking about like where you're going on summer vacation or
where are we going to dinner? You're like, should we
try this position? Should we try this new toy?
Speaker 3 (21:46):
And it is hot, It's doesn't have to be like this.
Speaker 5 (21:50):
I can't believe we talked about it too much, and
now it's no longer hot. It's like the reverse happens.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
Yeah, agreed, agreed.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
Yay.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
Wow, let's jump to some collars and solve some people's problem,
shall we.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Okay, do we need to take a quick break.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Yeah, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right
back with Emily and Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
And we're back.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
We are back. Our first caller is Sarah. She says,
Dear Chelsea, I'll cut right to the chase. My ex
boyfriend cheated on me and gave me genital herpes. Bummer,
I'll spare you the statistics. I know, what a jerk.
I'll spare you the statistics. But genital herpes is pretty
common and it shouldn't be a big deal. I'm hesitant
(22:35):
writing this, but the compassion and honesty with which you've
responded to others has made me feel like you might
have something to say about the topic that would be helpful,
not only to me, but to anyone else dealing with this.
I was devastated for a long time, but life moved on.
I got a dog, moved to a different city, and
I started pursuing a career that I'm so excited and
passionate about and I'm surrounded by people who make me
(22:57):
feel loved. I am happy and fulfilled in many ways
except for one. I haven't had sex or really any
type of intimacy in three years. In order to handle
the fear and shame that I was left with, I
decided I just wouldn't date and to retire my sexuality
at the ripe old age of twenty five. In truth,
my sex drive just disappeared when this happened, and I
(23:18):
haven't really had any interest in sex solo or otherwise.
I've been in therapy for years and I've keeled immensely.
I even managed to go on a few first dates
here and there, but it never went further than that.
I want a life partner, and I want to want
a sex life, but I'm holding myself back for fear
of being rejected when I disclose my status to someone.
How do I get past this and allow myself to
(23:40):
have a partner and the relationship I deserve? Sarah, Hi, Sarah, Hi,
his right place? Hi?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
How are you?
Speaker 6 (23:49):
I'm good? Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
You're welcome, well, thank you for calling in. And this
is our special guest Emily is here today. She writes
about sex, and she does a podcast about sex, and
she is all about sex positivity. So then it's a
perfect episode for you.
Speaker 3 (24:05):
Nice got you, Yeah, Sarah, Hi, nice to meet you too.
Speaker 5 (24:09):
So first I want to say that having herpes is
really common.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
It's not a death sentence to your second.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
One in three people have herpes, by the way, just
so you know, one in three people.
Speaker 5 (24:19):
Yeah, and they don't really a lot of people don't
talk about it, they don't disclose it and affects Sarah.
A lot of people have it and they don't even
know it, and they're spreading it and it's a whole thing.
But what I have found is that when you do
disclose it to partners, first off, usually they're grateful that
you told them. You let them know that you maybe
you're perhaps taking a daily suppressant. I'm not sure what
(24:39):
kind of medication you're on right now, And really the
chance of transmitting if you're taking a daily suppressive is
very very slim. So I actually look and hopefully people
are getting this knowledge that it's actually I'd rather be
with somebody who's on top of their sexual health. They're like,
this is what I got I've had chamtea. Once I
got it, you're like, great, you actually are somebody who
prioritizes your health, and partner who you actually would want
(25:01):
to be with is going to say, oh, here's somebody
who also cares about her health and who knows how
to communicate. And I think you're going to be surprised
how many partners you're gonna find. They're gonna be great,
no problem. And I'm telling you this from experience too,
because I hear this from many of my listeners all
the time that once they actually were real about it
with somebody, that nine out of ten partners were like, cool,
thanks for telling me. Let's go, let's go, let's go
(25:23):
to dinner, what are we doing, Let's get in bed, Like,
it's not what you think. So I hope you can
find the courage to go out there and start to
talk to people and realize you're young, it's really common
and it's going to be okay.
Speaker 3 (25:35):
And there's so many.
Speaker 5 (25:35):
People whose sex lives get even better because now you
have the freedom. You're like, I've said it all, I
got zero secrets. This is who I am.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
And once you tell one person, it's not going to
be that big of a deal. You're gonna get better
at telling people. And also something you need to understand
is you don't need to tell somebody that on the
first date you're not sleeping with them, probably or are
you Nope? No, Yeah, you don't strike me as somebody
who's having sex on the first date. So, I mean,
you haven't had sex in three years, so it would
be crazy for you to just start a write away.
Well not crazy, but it doesn't seem characteristic of you.
(26:03):
So you don't have to tell somebody right away. You
can build a relationship or the beginnings of a relationship
and then sit down. And also characteristically, that says a
lot about you, to be upfront and honest with a person.
They're gonna look at that and be like, before you
have sex with them, you can tell them. But also,
you're not contagious unless you have an outbreak, correct, correct, right? So,
and you're you seem very aware of your diagnosis and
(26:26):
it's not a big deal, like it doesn't fucking matter.
All you have to do is be mindful of other
people catching it. So when you have an outbreak, you
shouldn't be actively having sex with somebody obviously, but you
can tell somebody when you're in a relationship with them,
You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself about something
that one in three people in the world in the
(26:47):
world are dealing with all the time. I mean, you know,
you're gonna probably tell somebody who's gonna be like, oh God,
I have it too.
Speaker 3 (26:54):
Yeah, So it happens a lot.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
Yeah. By the way, so like me too. So I
really wouldn't worry about that aspect of things I understand.
I think reading between the lines of your letter and
what you're saying is that it's been so long since
you've been out there that it's harder to get back
in right because you don't have the kind of language
or experience other than the bunch of dates that you
(27:16):
went on, which I also think is a really good
thing and a good practice to just be exercising is dating,
because you know, it takes a pressure off when you
when you when you have a lot of experience with it,
you don't have to look at every date as like,
oh my god, is this going to be the one.
It's more of like, oh, let me see if I
even like this person.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
The more sex you have, the more sex you want
to have and I think that goes for solo play
as well. If you're just not doing it, it's easy
to be like cool, that's on the back burner kind
of indefinitely. Maybe there are some things you can try
that are like taking a nice bat that are sensual
and sexual and like maybe you're not even trying to
have an orgasm, but just like starting to prime the
pump for yourself with that and getting back into like
(27:56):
some solo play before you try to entering out in
the world.
Speaker 5 (28:00):
So true, huge fan of it. Sex begets sex. So
we have to keep our own pilot light lit. That's
the truth. Since we're in relationships and we think like
oh we're dating, we're like, oh, I'm going to save
myself or I'll get turned on right when we're ready
to go in the bedroom. But that's the other thing
we usually we're not, So it's like going to the gym,
like you got to keep it going. So solo sex,
love and yourself is going to have a way that
you're going to stay connected to your sexual energy and
(28:21):
then when you're out with somebody, then that's going to
be flowing and you're going to be a little more embodied.
Speaker 6 (28:26):
Yeah, for sure. That makes a lot of sense. I
think that kind of was what I was thinking with
going on the dates. And I think what I've noticed
is because maybe my sex drive has just kind of
fizzled out, there's no sexual chemistry. And I can't tell
if there's no sexual chemistry because there's no sexual chemistry,
or if there's no sexual chemistry because I'm scared, And
then it makes it difficult for me to make the
(28:47):
right call. Do I want to go on another date?
Is there anything there? And I feel like this is
not something I struggled with before everything unfolded the way
it did.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
Yeah, well, it sounds like you're playing a big mental
game on yourself, you know what I mean. I mean,
I'm glad you're in counseling because I think you I
think this is much more of a mental thing than
anything else. Do you can I ask you? Do you masturbate?
Speaker 4 (29:08):
Not?
Speaker 6 (29:09):
Really?
Speaker 2 (29:09):
Like there? You should start because if you want to
get that sex drive going right, like the way to
keep Like my friend was talking, I should say her name,
but I won't. My friend was talking about vaginal dryness
the other day and we were all laughing at her,
and because her doctor was like, the way to prevent
vaginal dryness is to use your vagina. And she's like,
she's like, I can't have sex with my husic because
(29:30):
my vaginas to dry. I'm like, well, that's your vaginas
you dry because you won't fucking have sex with your husband,
So stop blaming him, and it's you, Like you know,
like one thing leads to the other. So I think,
just start getting more comfortable with your sexuality, and that
does mean masturbating, you know what I mean. Spend time masturbating,
use a toy or whatever whatever gets you going. Just
(29:50):
start doing that because then you're exuding also a more
sexual energy and you're gonna you're more apt to feel
chemistry with other people once your sexuality is vibe, because
right now you probably feel it sounds like you feel
very like your sexuality feels dormant and you want to
wake it up right, and so that starts with you.
You're taking all the right SIPs, going on dates, you're
(30:12):
in therapy, start masturbating, and I mean, I don't think
I've ever given this advice book.
Speaker 5 (30:17):
I literally give this every day that I'm like a pusher.
I'm like a loop pusher I'm a toy pusher because
it's true, like we get caught off. So yes, masturbation
is a huge part of being sexually healthy. And like
when you're masturbating, do these like you know, like caggles
or like everyone prescribes to a kegle, like now you'll
do it now because I'm saying it, but that is
literally where that's the power source. So your pelvic floor
(30:38):
if you just like right now, squeeze it, like you're
like hello, you're connected to it. So when you're even
throughout the day, like you take a few deep breasts,
you're like, I'm gonna squeeze it.
Speaker 3 (30:45):
That wakes it up. That's the Kodalini.
Speaker 5 (30:47):
That's the energy that's going to start to flow because
right now it's like dormant because of the fear of
trauma you had from this diagnosis. These three years you've
been in your head, I'm not sexual and not sexual,
but you're twenty five years old, like your whole sexual
life is ahead of you.
Speaker 3 (30:58):
So like I'm not worried.
Speaker 5 (30:59):
We're not like at all words, it's more like getting
more touch, getting embodied, breathing, master bating, and continue to
go on these dates with people because it is a muscle.
And the more it's like, you know, going to the gym,
like maybe you went a lot to the gym three
years ago, it's been three years.
Speaker 3 (31:13):
You go, then you start going back.
Speaker 5 (31:14):
You go back for five minutes in time the ten
minutes you're like, oh, yeah, I move my body again.
The same thing goes for sex and for dating, and
then yeah, you don't have to tell anyone right away,
like when you start to feel it's getting that place
he with a second or third date, you're like, oh,
by the way, and also here's the other thing. When
you are disclosing it, it's not like we need to talk.
Speaker 3 (31:30):
You gotta be like, hey, yeah, by the way.
Speaker 5 (31:33):
Once you know that i've herpes and so I take
a daily suppressant, which means that it's like not gonna
if there's like one percent chance it could transfer, but
that's not the case.
Speaker 3 (31:40):
I just want you to know that any questions, you know.
Speaker 5 (31:42):
What I mean, like casual not like a death sentences, Nope,
that's it. Do you have anything and would do you
have anything to tell me about your sex list, like
anything that you want to talk about sexually, Like like
that just shows you have a growth mindset around sex
that you aren't care about your sexual health. And to me,
that shows like, Oh, here's somebody who's actually really honest
and who's going to prioritize my health, who cares about
my health because you're cheering it.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
And you can use this diagnosis to empower your sexuality,
right instead of it disempowering you. You can flip the
switch on it. You have the power. I'm excited for
you because I think you're going to have a big
sexual awakening once you get the ball rolling, things are
going to open up to you. You're sexy, you're beautiful,
you're young, you have all of this opportunity, and the
(32:24):
only thing that's preventing that is your own conversation with
yourself about your diagnosis. And that's just not going to
be the way it is moving forward. Herpes isn't going
to do you. You're doing herpes, you know what I mean? Yes, Yeah,
that's the way I look at drugs, Like, whenever I
take a drug, I'm like, you're not going to control me.
I control you. And that's why I have such good
experiences with drugs is because I am in control. I
(32:46):
don't lose my shit. I don't let something take over
my personality. And that's how you have to look at herpes.
That does not define you. That's one little blip and
it's not even a blip. Who cares? It means nothing?
Speaker 6 (32:59):
Yeah, totally. I think I kind of have let myself
get in my head and like kind of internalize It's
it's frequently the butt of a joke, right, Like you
see it all the time on the internet, and I
think I have let it get in my head. And
one thing I guess I go back and forth on
is I want to wait until I feel like I'm
ready to like disclose and like kind of just give
myself the freedom to do that. And then I'm always worried,
(33:21):
like what if they react and they're like, well, that's
so fucked up and I wasted a bunch of dates
with you, and what is that mine to worry about?
Speaker 5 (33:28):
Even?
Speaker 2 (33:29):
No, no, but who care?
Speaker 3 (33:30):
Like yeah, who cares?
Speaker 2 (33:32):
So then that's not the right person. It's like you're
worrying about things that may or may not even happen.
You know, the only thing you can guarantee is your
own behavior and that you act with a moral compass,
and by that it's like sharing the information with a
person whom you're going to be romantic with in a
long term way. Even you know, like if you're having
(33:52):
a one night stand, you don't have an outbreak. Some
people might disagree with me, but if you're using protection
and you don't have an outbreak, then you are good
to go. You've been putting yourself into like sex jail
for the last three years because of some fucking asshole.
Not so so stop it.
Speaker 5 (34:09):
I feel like you just let her out too. I
feel like we just gave you the I feel like
this is the first day of the rest of your
sex life right now.
Speaker 6 (34:14):
I hope it is.
Speaker 3 (34:14):
I'm feeling that you need to go have sex and
report tonight.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
Yeah you do, or at least masturbate and report back exactly.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
So we don't need to report on your masturbations, but
we do. But I kind of we want you to masturbate,
but we want you to also get out there start
experimenting with your sexuality, to reintroduce yourself to this new
sexual person that you're about to become.
Speaker 6 (34:38):
Yeah, thank you, I appreciate it. It's it's just helpful
to hear people talking about it.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
So yeah, I mean you. Listen, you're acting like you
have cancer.
Speaker 3 (34:46):
You don't like totally exactly.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
You're not dying, you're living, So live it up.
Speaker 6 (34:52):
Okay.
Speaker 5 (34:53):
And these people, can I say, with the people who
show you who they are, With the guys like, oh,
I can't believe you told me it not your person,
like the people are doing a favor when they're asshole.
Speaker 2 (35:02):
Absolutely, yeah, for sure, for sure.
Speaker 1 (35:05):
Well, thanks Sarka, thank you.
Speaker 2 (35:07):
Don't forget to hit us back. Give us an update
in a few months.
Speaker 6 (35:10):
Okay, we'll do take care.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
Okay, takes care.
Speaker 4 (35:14):
Well.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Our next caller is Lynn. She says, Dear Chelsea, I
am a forty year old woman and I've only been
single for a year and a half of my entire
adult life. It's not intentional, it just worked out that way.
Within my decades of serial monogamy was the confession from
my husband and father of my two year old that
he identified as a woman and had been cheating on
(35:36):
me during our entire relationship. Turns out she just needed
a green card. My last relationship was with a wonderful
man who I consider the love of my life. Life
circumstances led to the end of that relationship after the
initial heartbreak about the end of a beautiful relationship. I
know that I need to enjoy this time being single,
truly single. I've lifted myself out of a self deprecating slump,
(35:59):
but there's one thing I just cannot justify out of
my mind. That is the sadness that I no longer
get to enjoy sex. I'm not a prude or a
slutshamer or a hopeless romantic. I just don't get enjoyment
from sex with someone that I don't have a connection with.
Should I consign myself to a celibate lifestyle or think
outside the box and try to push through my natural inclinations?
Yours truly, Lynn Hilin Hilen. Nice.
Speaker 2 (36:24):
Hi, how are you?
Speaker 3 (36:26):
I'm good?
Speaker 2 (36:26):
How are you? This is Emily our sex work for
the day. Hi. So you're newly single and it sounds
like you don't have a lot of experience being single? Yeah?
Pretty much? None?
Speaker 3 (36:37):
Okay, good, Well, it's a wholy beginning now the.
Speaker 4 (36:41):
Holy I just want to be excited about it, except
that I'm like, oh wait, I'm celibate.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
That's not fun.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
Okay, So I do want to you know, I think
it's important to explore why you're feeling like you need
to be celibate, And I do appreciate that you said, like,
I just don't feel comfortable having sex with somebody that
I'm not emotionally connected with. I had a friend who
went through a very similar thing where she identified as demisexual,
which is sort of this idea that like, unless you
(37:09):
have an actual relationship with someone or you know, feel
connect with them, you just like don't really have a
sexual attraction to them. Emily, you're nodding your head. Do
you want to say a little more about that.
Speaker 5 (37:19):
Yeah, No, I'm just saying it's really common demi sexual
sapio sexual, Like we need to have like an intellectual
connection with somebody before we feel hot for them. Like,
no one's expecting you need to go out there and
be able to bang somebody.
Speaker 2 (37:31):
Does it?
Speaker 3 (37:31):
Get the sex over with?
Speaker 5 (37:32):
Like it's okay to say I know about myself that
I'm somebody that needs a certain level of connection and
safety with somebody. So I think we could still you
could still find that, But it sounds to me like
some of the limiting beliefs are coming from these past
tumultuous relationships that you just had, right previously, and so
you're feeling like, well, now you have to be celibate
(37:52):
because there's no one out there, or I have this
need that can't be met, and I think that you'll
be surprised to find that you can. I know, you
can go out there and find new ways to meet
people and not pressure yourself, but just have lunches or
drinks or dinners or just however it is that you're
meeting people and actually see, do I have a connection
to this person. It's okay to take a few dates
(38:14):
and just see, and then it starts to be it's
okay to say that you need to know somebody before
you jump about with them. No one's pressuring you to
have casual sex. And that's because in case of what
you want to have, sounds like you already have knowledge
knowing that you need that connection.
Speaker 2 (38:27):
I do, and I.
Speaker 4 (38:29):
Worry that I'm going to find a connection and then
immediately slide into a relationship, because that's been my experience
in the past, as it starts with a connection and
sex and then all of a sudden, I'm in a relationship.
Speaker 5 (38:41):
You could lead with that too, You could let people
what I'm all for, like I'm the biggest advocate these days.
If you're on the dating apps, you're dating, like, let
people know right away exactly what you're willing to do,
what you're looking for, and where you're at, Like you
can even say. You usually get into all the drama
like oh this guy was so right now where I'm
at right now, I'm actually looking to date people and
have a connection and have something that's a little bit
(39:02):
more casual. But I mean this is I have two
nights a week to see you. I have one night
a week. I would like it to be like this,
I use protection. Would you be okay with that? You know,
just you'll find that people will say like, oh wow, okay,
well that's either what I am looking for or not
looking for. I think it's okay to be to be
clear that you're going to be surprised how many people
you find that are on board with you. And I'm
(39:23):
not even saying the first date you got to say
all that. But when you're clearer on what you want,
it's it's gonna be okay. Casual sex can be really satisfying.
In fact, I used to think that too, Like, and
I hear this from a lot of people. They're like, well,
I have sex with someone, I fall in love. That's
just a choice, that's a pattern. You're not really in love.
Like you had an orgasm and maybe that made you
(39:44):
feel connected, but you're in charge. You can say, you
know what what makes you feel connected is that I
text them every day, is that I see them four
days a week. So you could decide that you're going
to have a meaningful casual relationship where you only see
them once a week, or you're not texting during the week,
but the sex you're is still really satisfying. But you
don't allow yourself to fall into the old patterns, right,
(40:05):
and you have accountability partners and friends and people around you,
and like Chelsea be here, you can check back in
you know what I mean, set yourself up for success
this week because you know what you don't want it
to look like.
Speaker 2 (40:14):
Yeah, what is your experience with casual sex.
Speaker 4 (40:18):
I've During the year and a half that I was
quote single, I dated around, so I would, you know,
go on dates and maybe have sex with one or
two people. I would go to sex parties. I had
a lot of fun, but I didn't actually feel a
lot of physical pleasure when I didn't have anything there
mentally or emotionally.
Speaker 2 (40:38):
And is it going to be a problem for you
to say, Oh, Okay, I'm just gonna give myself six
months off of having sex with another person. What does
that mean to you if when you hear that.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
That doesn't freak me out.
Speaker 4 (40:50):
I really wanted to just put dating completely aside and
enjoy myself and go to plays and go to the museums.
I want to and hang out with friends without that
even being an issue, without even putting myself out there
to meet someone. Then there's just that like a little
bit of sadness of that part of my life that
I'm going to miss.
Speaker 2 (41:10):
Oh. I just think you can accomplish both of those things.
You know, if you want to have casual sex, it's available,
Like that's not hard to find. But I also just
from listening to you, the fact that you've been in
relationships accidentally for most of your adult life, this is
a huge opportunity to get to know yourself and do
all the things you just mentioned doing. You're not going
(41:31):
to be single forever. It's very rare that anybody is,
especially with your history and especially with you know, being
out and about and a social person. It's pretty hard
to avoid finding someone that you're going to be attracted
to again and wanting to have sex. But I would
even more focus just on this time investing in yourself
and taking this kind of window that you have and
(41:52):
being like, I'm going to do all the shit I
want to do right now while I don't have to
be tethered to somebody else who may or may not
want to join me doing these things, or prevent me
from doing the things because we have to do his things,
or whatever the dynamic may or could be. I think
it's very important for all women to spend a significant
amount of time alone by themselves to understand who you
are and to be able to ask for the things
(42:13):
that you want and to understand what you do want.
You know what I mean, Because you might spend six
months alone and be like, WHOA, this is glorious. I
want this. I want to be alone for another year
before I get into anything serious, or I may not
want to be with someone again. Who knows what conclusion
you'll come to. You know, it's not black and white
(42:33):
like that necessarily, but it's a huge like opportunity for
growth for you, and you should just look at it
like that. Instead of the things that you're missing, like, oh,
it's not like that. Look at all the things that
you're gaining by being alone and being able to go
to the museums, by being able to go to movies
by yourself or plays or with friends and not have
(42:54):
that kind of coupledom attached to it all.
Speaker 5 (42:57):
Yeah, I have to say that that is the best.
So now that I'm hearing where you're at, it was
not healthy in the past and all that taking six
months and saying I'm going to do I did this
when I was forty two. I did a mandatorium. It
was like a moratorium. I ment I'm like, I'm not
doing it for six months, and it was so freeing
to be like I don't.
Speaker 3 (43:15):
Have to think about it.
Speaker 2 (43:16):
I can do me.
Speaker 5 (43:17):
I can figure out who I am without a man
in my life, because I kept going from one to
the next and I really just wanted to figure out.
And it was such a wonderful time to get to
know who I am without a guy. I can go
to the opper where I can go see friends, I
can really think about it and I can reflect. It
gives you this open space to say what worked in
the past, what didn't work in the past. There so
much more time and then when you're ready, it's intentional, right,
(43:39):
you can you have the intentionality around now I'm ready
to step back into the dating world, and there's just
just realize how much time you have when you're not
thinking about texting someone and am I going to have
sex with this person or not. Huge growth happens in
the time of relationship with yourself and.
Speaker 4 (43:56):
Looking forward to that.
Speaker 1 (43:57):
Yeah, And Emily, you talk a lot in your book
to you about when it does come to solo sex
or masturbation or those types of things. Really discovering what
you like happens when you're by yourself, So like that
maybe another thing that you want to actually really intentionally
work on, or is having a thriving sex life that
like doesn't involve another partner for a while.
Speaker 3 (44:19):
Exactly.
Speaker 5 (44:20):
Yeah, the best work, the best sexual discoveries I made
was my solo sex time without a partner. I didn't
think I could have ju spot orgasms, for example. I
didn't think I could have multiple orgasms.
Speaker 3 (44:30):
I didn't even know.
Speaker 5 (44:31):
And I was like, I'm going to take time and
figure out my own owner's manual because I used to
leave it up to the guy. I'm like, well, he
must be able to figure it out, and like they
don't know what they're doing. I realized that no one
really knows, so I might as well take the time.
I got toys, I got lubs. I just kept talking
about researching it, and then I was realized. When I
was with a partner, not only was I more embodied
(44:52):
and I was more comfortable, but then I could actually say,
uh uh, like that doesn't work. We're not going so fast,
like slow down, go down to me for thirty minutes.
That's what's going to w Like. I was able to
be my own best advocate, and I want that for
you too. Most of us don't take time for that
at all, So I highly encourage time alone with yourself,
masturbating and having gets, you know, loving up on yourself.
Speaker 2 (45:14):
Okay, yeah, go home, masturbate, then go to a play,
and then go to a museum and see how you
like that.
Speaker 1 (45:20):
Yeah, sounds perfect. It sounds like a lovely saturday, honestly.
Speaker 2 (45:25):
Yeah, seriously. Okay, Well, I hope we were able to
help you today, Lynn. Yes, thank you, Okay, take care.
Speaker 1 (45:34):
Thanks so much, report back, okay, bye.
Speaker 3 (45:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (45:40):
I thought that was a really important call, just because
I think people think like, oh, well, you know, my
sex life is over just because I don't have a partner,
and I don't think that's true.
Speaker 2 (45:47):
But I just don't understand, like everyone needs to just
stop thinking that whatever is happening now is permanent.
Speaker 1 (45:53):
It's not.
Speaker 2 (45:53):
It's like, just because you break up and you don't
have a boyfriend doesn't mean you're never gonna have a
boyfriend again. It doesn't worked like that. Life doesn't work
like that. And instead of resisting whatever situation you're in,
embrace it and be like, Okay, this is my reality
for however long, because it could be a month and
she could fall in love with another guy and then
she only had that month to herself, and that's a
(46:15):
bigger issue in my opinion, being interdependent constantly.
Speaker 3 (46:18):
Yes, I'm thinking that we're broken.
Speaker 1 (46:19):
If we're single, well, let's take a quick break and
we'll be back to wrap up with Chelsea and Emily,
and we're back. We're back. Our last question comes from Beth.
Her location is somewhere in Europe. I'm an American and
have been dating a wonderful German guy for the past
(46:41):
three and a half years. We both have been previously
married and have kids. I've learned over the past two
years that his parenting styles are much different than mine.
Six months ago, he told me his daughter, who was
turning fourteen, wanted to have a sleepover party with some friends,
two girls and four boys, including her first boyfriend. She
also asked if her boyfriend could sleep in her bed
that night. He told me that he and his ex
(47:03):
wife have a very open relationship with their daughter, and
she told them that she's not ready for sex, but
just wants to snuggle with her boyfriend on her birthday. He,
his ex, and the parents of the kids invited were
all fine with the sleepover. My partner had a barbecue
for the kids and they were even allowed some beer
to drink that night. The kids stayed up all night
and he made them breakfast in the morning. My respect
(47:24):
for him as an amazing dad has diminished, and after
I heard about this, I didn't speak to him for
a week. I felt sick to my stomach and even
had trouble sleeping after hearing this. Recently, I asked about
his daughter and found out that she's now on the
pill and regularly having sex with her boyfriend. This news
came to me as a complete shock, but somehow I
knew it was coming. Now I'm not sure if I
(47:46):
can continue this relationship. My partner is very sympathetic to
my feelings, but he's proud of his relationship with his
daughter and feels he's done nothing wrong. He isn't proud
that she's having sex at such a young age, but
believes that she's very mature and it was bound to
happen sooner or later. He's happy that she's experiencing love
and passion at fourteen, rather than choosing drugs or alcohol.
(48:06):
I love him dearly, but I'm so disappointed in him
as a father and a parent. With a twelve year
old son and fourteen year old daughter. There are still
many years of parenting ahead of him. These aren't my children,
So why do I care so much? What do you
think I should do? Beth?
Speaker 2 (48:21):
Back up the judgment, Beth, these are not your children.
You are not their parents. They're European. The rules are
very different and probably more appropriate, quite frankly, because you
know European kids are. They're looser with sex, they're looser
with drinking. Parents are looser with you know what. They
the parameters they put on children over there, and guess what,
(48:43):
they have a lot less fucked up children because they're
not saying you can't do this until you're twenty one,
or you can't do this until you're eighteen. Yeah, fourteen
is young, tob be having sex, But guess what. I
was having sex when I was fourteen, and I'm okay,
I'm not fucked up, you know, like, yeah, it's a
little bit young, but it's different for everybody. And it's
not your job to parents his parenting unless you're gonna
(49:05):
have children with him. Did she says she wants children
with him.
Speaker 1 (49:08):
No, but she has kids of her own as well.
I just think they're not under the same roof.
Speaker 2 (49:12):
Well, then parent them. Great, parent your children, and let
him parent his. The judgment is so thick. It's just
too much. You're so judgmental of his parenting. It's it's
really not your issue to ever even give your opinions
on unless you're asked.
Speaker 1 (49:28):
Yeah, and she's an American. We grew up with all this shit.
You know.
Speaker 2 (49:32):
By the way, Americans don't have it figured out. FYI.
Speaker 5 (49:36):
We are so messed up because what happens in BA
exactly what happens in America.
Speaker 2 (49:39):
We're like, we sell children guns in this country. So
remember that Joernals don't do that.
Speaker 5 (49:44):
No, they don't have the gun problem. They don't have
the sex problems as much because they normalize sex. They
start teaching sex at in some places in Europe, especially
the Netherlands, when kids are like five years old. They're
not saying like, here's how you put in a condom.
They're saying, it's your body. They name the parts. They
don't say who oh, They're like, that's your vagina, that's
your volva, and they normalize sex. So when they talk
(50:04):
about sex and sex education, and maybe the German guy
it's like this where his kids grew up is they
have sex education where they do talk about STIs and
getting pregnant, but they also talk about pleasure and they're like,
here's how you would have an orgasm, and here's how
you ask for consent. So perhaps they had really comprehensive
sex education in school. And his daughter came to him
(50:25):
and said, Daddy, I feel safe, I'm gonna have sex.
He's like, great, let's get you on the birth control
pill and all those things. So I understand why that's
foreign because contrary to America, where we just tell kids
are by the way growing up, they're seeing porn at
like eight years old on their iPad and then they're
just told it's like shameful and wrong and there's zero
for information except for sex is gonna be this wonderful thing,
(50:47):
and then they go off and have sex and they
have no idea what they're doing. So I'm down with
him saying like, I'm so your parent. If you're gonna
have sex, here's birth control pill. Do it rather have
me do it to my home without alcohol and telling
me what's going on than this, Yes, she's got it,
and I'll stand your own kids.
Speaker 2 (51:02):
That with the ripple effect that that kind of parenting
has means kids are not hiding, they're not shameful. They
are able to communicate with their parents in a healthy
dialogue about things that are pretty sensitive. And American kids
aren't like that, you.
Speaker 3 (51:15):
Know, messed up about it.
Speaker 2 (51:16):
Back it up, sister, back it up and focus on
some other things. Yeah, oh, Emily, what what it's the light?
You have been Chelsea? So fun. I can't wait to
read your book as Smart Sex. We just got it yesterday,
So I didn't get a chance to read it, but
I got to dive right in.
Speaker 5 (51:33):
Yes, thank you smart Sex. Yeah, please do Guvan, thanks
for having me. I appreciate it. But you are a
blast and this is a good time.
Speaker 2 (51:42):
Thank you so much. Okay, guys. Also, I have added
more second shows to my Little Big Bitch tour. I
added second shows in Hollywood at the Pantages. I am
going to be there two nights October twelfth and thirteenth.
I added another show at the Chicago October twenty seventh
and October twenty eighth, one of my favorite places to perform.
(52:05):
I added another show in Portland, so I'll be there
November second and third. And I added a second show
in Boston at the Weighing Center, so I will be
there November sixteenth and seventeenth. I also have two shows
in Seattle, San Francisco, New York at the Beacon and Washington,
d C. I will be there October fifth and sixth.
(52:25):
And a special shout out to Phoenix, Arizona, where I'm
coming Saturday October fourteenth. And then I'm coming to Cleveland
Columbus in Pittsburgh, So suck on that, you guys. I
can't wait to see everybody. Oh, and I'm coming to Eugene,
Oregon too, everybody. That's November ninth, twenty twenty three, and
I will be at the Clubhouse in East Hampton, which
(52:48):
is going to be a very intimate show on Saturday,
August twenty sixth. So if you are in the Long
Island area, that's where I'll be the Clubhouse.
Speaker 1 (52:57):
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law and
be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com.
Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea. How are you well.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
I mean, I'm pretty good. I'm in New York City,
as you know, and I well, I had a fun weekend.
I went to Syracuse, New York to film this movie.
I did a cameo in this movie where I played
the mother to an Asian boy. So I guess that's
from my relationship with Jokoy. Maybe I don't know, but
it was a surprise when I met him, which you know,
(00:25):
it was great. And then I came down to the
city because I have shows this weekend, and there is
a fire in Canada, and they are telling people in
New York City not to go outside and to limit
your time outside because the air quality is so bad.
It is so ominous looking in the city, and it
is what I imagine it must have looked like after
nine to eleven. There is this like smoke and haze
(00:46):
that is just covering the city. It is brown like,
it is a light that I have never seen, and
it is very apocalyptic.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Do you feel it like in your lungs when you're outside.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Well, I'm not outside because you can't really, I'm just
getting driven back and forth from one thing to the next.
So yeah, it's really really scary, and this is what
our future is going to be, like a bunch of
fires and smoke and not being able to go outside
for days at a time.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
And on that note, what's going on with you, Catherine?
Speaker 3 (01:15):
Well?
Speaker 1 (01:15):
I am currently recording from a car because my power
went out, So here we are. We're just you know,
the show must go on.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
I feel like the world is ending right now and
may may end during this recording.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
That's absolutely true. Luckily, my mom came to visit this
last week and we had a lovely time. We just
did super girly stuff like shopping, We got our nails done,
we got our hair done, picked out some makeup, bits
of Laura. It was a doorball.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
It was just that's nice. Yeah, that's cute. I'm glad.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Yeah, So what's your weekend?
Speaker 2 (01:47):
Well, I'm gonna go see a play tomorrow night that
I'm excited about. Oh no, it's not a play, it's
a girl's stand up show. My friend Natasha Leone is
directing this show. So she texted me and she was like,
we need people to come and I was like, oh okay,
So I'm rallying the troops and I'm gonna go see
that tomorrow. I love watching other stand ups when I don't.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Know them amazing, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
I love watching new stand up. It's like so aspiring
because all those people that we've had on like Osco Mateo,
it's so nice to be around them and spend time
with them. Like I have this whole group of like
young comics in my life that I just love being
around because it just is so original. You're you're around newness,
(02:28):
you know what I mean. I love newness. I like
anything new. But it's been so nice to be Like
one of them was like, you've been such a supporter
of us. I'm like, you don't know how much you
guys are giving me. You're giving me my kind of
oomph and stand up too, like being around people who
are fresh and excited about it and new about it.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
And doing something different and have a different vibe.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
Yeah, Vanessa my number one, my number one stunner who
opens for me on all my tour dates and if
you've seen me on Little Big Bitch tour or or
actually vaccinated in Horny, she was with me too. Because
now we're in because I've declared her to be my
daughter and I'm her mother. She's my e hut. I
gave birth to her when I was twelve. And yeah,
that's what I've got going on. Girl.
Speaker 4 (03:10):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
We added some more stand up dates too. We added Portland, Boston,
added second shows in Portland, Boston, Los Angeles and some
other cities. But anyway, there's lots of second shows and
I won't I'm gonna try because of scheduling, because I
have something after this tour. If there are tickets available
in your city and you want to come to the show,
(03:31):
by them, because I probably won't be adding second shows
again because of scheduling.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
You got some traveling to do this summer.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
Oh that's right, girl, I'm gonna getting ready. I'm gonna
get my condoms ready, Chelsea.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
I am having a little bit of a problem at home.
You know, I've got these two puppies and they are siblings,
and let's just put it this way. Laddie and Wendell
really like to hump. They like to hump, they like
to be humped. There's like a whole there's a lot
like Mimsy's even gotten in on the action. But what
is actually like the worst thing is that sometimes Lottie
(04:07):
will like try to bite Wendell's penis and he gets
really really into it. I don't know whether just to
like let them be dogs or to try and break
it up. I usually like ask them to stop, but
it's they just wrestle in this way that's really uncomfortable
for me.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
I don't know what to say about that. I don't
know what happens with sexual assault among dogs. How you
handle such things?
Speaker 1 (04:32):
I know, and I'm like, you're literal. He loves it.
It's it's actually horrifying. He'll like put his little paw
on the back of her head and like go crazy.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
It's why she's giving him a blowjob, exactly.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
It's and then sometimes like Mimsy will get behind Lottie.
This sounds like I'm making it up, but it's really
like there's so much simulated sex going on in my household,
and I'm really uncomfortable with that.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Oh oh, I don't want to see my dogs have
sexy though. Her niece is with us today though, right,
she's nice for your niece. Are you a sexy object
to me? Because she's such a ball of fluff. She
was so excited to come for a ride today.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
She is incredible and She's just like a peach. She's
just sitting down there being.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
A doorable, I know. And then my little and then
my houseman Felix, who is diminutive, so he is little.
He just texted me and said, where's Bernice? Do you
have her? That's that's what's going on in my house.
She's just at okay, do you know where you are?
Speaker 1 (05:30):
You's still your own dog today. No, she is incredible.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
I wouldn't react well if somebody was going down on
her or she was going down on someone else. I
wouldn't like that at all, especially if it were brothers
sister action. No, but the dogs aren't really related, just
the other two just a little too.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
But MIMSI she has never humped another dog in her
whole seven years, but she like loves to hump Lottie.
And it's just a lot. It's just a lot.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
Yeah, it sounds like it.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Well, speaking of sex simulated or otherwise our guests today
is pretty exciting.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
She's the host of the award winning number one sexuality
podcast which is called Sex with Emily. It's been on
the air for nearly two decades, and you can pre
order her book, which is called Smart Sex How to
Boost your Sex IQ and Own your Own Pleasure that
comes out June thirteenth, and she brought a lot of
toys for both of us, Catherine, so we can just
(06:24):
all go after this. We usually thrupple up because that's
her husband over there, and I have intercourse with both
of them on the regular good time. We're all Mennonites,
so that's what we practice. Okay, So Emily, Hi, nice
to see Chelsea.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
I'm so happy to see you.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
You're all about sex and how to have healthy sex,
whether you have a partner or whether you don't exactly
talk to us about what you discuss in your new book.
Speaker 5 (06:50):
Okay, my new book called Smart Sex, How to Boost
your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure. So for twenty
years I've been talking to people about sex and dating love.
And I started this because I was having bad I
was faking orgasms until I was like in my mid thirties.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
I think we've all been faking orgasms. I mean, as
a young person, I faked orgasms all the time because
I didn't have It's too hard to explain to somebody
what to do you don't know them that well. It's
not coming casual sex with someone. It's just like, now,
as a woman, I know what to say that's good.
As a younger.
Speaker 5 (07:22):
Person, I wasn't even young. I was in my mid
thirties though, Chelsea. I was like, I was having a lot,
and I just thought that it was I thought it
was just me. I didn't realize this was like almost
twenty years ago, and I realized that nobody was talking
about sex, and so I started a podcast and started
interview people out their sex life, a relationship, went back
to school, got my doctorate. But then I realized, now,
after all these years, it was a lot of the
same questions every single day, from people saying, how do
(07:45):
I have an orgasm?
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Which all with my penis.
Speaker 5 (07:48):
People want a quick fix when it comes to sec
They're like, can I can I buy a vibrator and
that's gonna help me?
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Can I use lube?
Speaker 5 (07:54):
That might help you? But what this book is really
about is that sex as wellness. Sex has always been
like the bastard child of the health and wellness industry.
They're like, oh, sex should just be something that magically
works for you. But I created these five pillars of
sexual health and wellness. For example, one is embodiment, like
am I in my body during sex? My health infects
it as well, like if I'm at a certain medication,
(08:16):
I'm gonna be dry, I'm a certain time of life.
So the book kind of walks you through all these pillars.
So it's embodiment embodies being like in this moment, I'm
feeling like it's not a meditation stuff too, because most
of the questions I get asked people are like, I'm
distracted during sex, I can't really feel I'm numb, I'm
fantasizing by someone else, which all that happens, and it's
that's a terrible thing, but when we really want to
(08:37):
be connected and have great sex, like my quest is like,
what does just great sex mean? And so I realized
that the pillars are like being in your body, even
if it's just for a minute, saying okay, like I'm
looking at my part or I'm looking in their eyes
or breathing together, my hands are on their body, like
usually we are just kind of somewhere else. So one
of the pillars is like, can I be present even
for a minute. And I know you meditate, I mightitate
(08:58):
as well. Sometimes I just kind of think if I'm
distracted and fantasizing about something else. I just kind of
take my five senses and I'll say, what am I
smelling right now?
Speaker 3 (09:07):
What am I hearing?
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Right now?
Speaker 5 (09:08):
I'm feeling my hands on their body, and it immediately
grounds me in the moment. So I has some of
those practices. One of the top questions is why can't
I have an orgasm during sex? It could be medication undertaking,
it could be trauma, and he'll trauma. So this kind
of helps people realize it, like, oh, if I had
trauma twenty years ago or something happened to me that
might be impacting my ability to orgasm, or I might
(09:28):
be on the birth control pill, I might be on
a ninety depressant. And the weird thing is, Chelsea, people
don't make those connections because sex is sort of siloed
into this area where like, well, it was amazing at
the beginning, why can't it always be wonderful? And so
I kind of help people figure out, like, no, it
could be your birth control, it could be your blood plessure, medication.
So that's the second one. The third one is self knowledge,
(09:50):
like how well do I know myself? Like I know
that if I walk into with my partner or any partner.
I walk into the house and it's like freezing cold.
If it's messy, if I still have shit in my mind,
I'm not going to be aroused and turn on and
ready for sex. Like I kind of run through my
pillars and diagnose myself. Sometimes we're like, why are I
turned on and ready to go? Because I think we're
(10:11):
Do you ever feel like you're not in the move
for sex and you don't know why?
Speaker 3 (10:13):
Yes, all the time, So this is gonna happen.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
I mean we're in a relationship. Especially that happens I
think more frequently than it does when you're in sane
exacting after a year.
Speaker 5 (10:22):
Sex right, and most people I think after a while
they don't want to in a relationship. And I and
we think that we should just be turned out like
a drop of hat like and then we're not. So
I think about like if it's yeah, like things are
a mess, it's freezing in my house. I don't feel
great in my body. I have an exercise, so that's
one thing. Then other ones like self acceptance, and that's
like confidence, like how do I feel like when you
(10:43):
walk around all day and I'm sure I know you
hear this from people if we hate our bodies, like
we're like, oh, GOI I don't feel great. I don't
want to be naked in front of anybody. Why do
we think we're gonna be able to like strip down,
get naked and be ready to go if all day long,
I am like not feeling good about it. So I
have like mantra and things people can do to feel
a little more confident. I just realize that's one area
(11:04):
that I got to work out. And the fifth one
is collaboration, and that's the that's the big one. Like
most people Chelsea do not talk about sex to their
partners at all, and they expect them to be mind readers.
And I have a lot of tools how to awkward
conversations about sex because again, people just expect like it's
just good to be great. And I teach people how
to have like give feedback, like you've ever been with
(11:26):
someone and you're like, it's just really I wish that
they would go down anymore. For example, I wish they
would kiss me slowly. Why they pounding away me like
a jackhammer?
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Again?
Speaker 3 (11:36):
How do I tell them to stop?
Speaker 5 (11:37):
And so I have tips for like talking about your
fantasies and making it hot.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
Yeah, because I think what most people come up against.
I think is the pressure of when you're in a
long term relationship and the honeymoon period has worn off,
and you expect sex to remain or be the same
as it was in the beginning. It's very unlikely that
that stays the same. Although there are exceptions to everything,
I guess the dialogue is the real crucial component because
(12:04):
people aren't easily able to express what they want from
a partner. That's for fear, mostly of hurting that person's feelings.
Exactly right, It's all fear based. We are so afraid
that we are going to be unlovable, that a partner's
going to reject us. That most people are mute and.
Speaker 5 (12:19):
They silently walk through sex because we always go back
to the honeymoon phase, which is a biological condition. It
lasts six months to two years. In every relationship, that
will be the hot of sex. Like, I'm sorry to say,
you're never going to go back to that stage where
you can't wait to rip each other's clothes off. But
most of us are so attached to that phase that
we're like, well, I got to get back to that,
(12:39):
and I want people to know like you're not. It's
never going to be as great as it was. However,
we can kind of hack that. Essentially, this is getting
people to think about, like what can I do if
I know I got to work on my arousal. I
got to figure out how to tell my partner that
this is what I need to be turned on. And
it might be a toy, it might be lou it
might be getting to like stop talking or whatever it is.
(13:00):
And so it just kind of like hack your own
arousal because we know sex is important.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
I had an interesting situation where somebody once wherever, they
were very aggressive with me, not in a sexy way,
like in a slobbery way. And this was somebody I
dated for a little bit, you know, and we had
a lot of great chemistry and we had great sex,
but there were times where this person would just over
and kiss me like you know, too much, like yeah,
And I couldn't figure out the right language of how
(13:27):
to address it because it was like it was just
sloppy to me, like it wasn't romantic, it wasn't sexy.
I felt like I was being too aggressive, like a
face rape, like an attack, right and what I said
to the person was it was a him. What I
said to him was, hey, give me space to come
to you, like, let me come to you like I
(13:48):
want to be initiated. I want to initiate. When you're
kissing me like that, I can't kiss you back because
I'm just receiving it hadn't over. I mean it went over.
I was more. I mean it went over five.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
He got it, well, no.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Because he got it in the moment, but he didn't
get it long term.
Speaker 5 (14:06):
This is the right, Okay, So this is like the
long term solutions in here that you can continue to do.
I always things like talk about outside the bedroom and
not in the moment because since so I don't know
about you.
Speaker 3 (14:16):
I grew up with shame around sex.
Speaker 5 (14:18):
I had no sex education, and I felt like if
I had to bring up sex to my partner, they
brought something to me. A lot of us at least
I go in fight or flight, I'm like, what did
do wrong? I'm a terrible lover. You hate my vagina,
you hate my but and so just realize, like it's okay.
We're not used to people talking about sex and kind
of giving people tools to talk about like outside the bedroom.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
We're not still got text in the bedroom.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Okay, the bedroom.
Speaker 5 (14:41):
Is like it's too vulnerable. I'm like, save it for
sleeping and for sex if you can. Well.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
It's also like when you're fighting, it's better to talk
about a fight sometimes after it's happened hot while you're
in it, and like you just let that diffuse, and
then after when you're both a little bit calmer, you
can say, listen, this wasn't okay or blah blah blah.
But yeah, sex is tricky because, yeah, people have a
lot of issues around it and body and there are
bodies and feeling confident. There's a lot of insecurity.
Speaker 3 (15:06):
Yeah, exactly, there's the insecurity.
Speaker 5 (15:08):
And also since nobody is really talking about if you
think about it, we talk about it like yes, I
had sex, I didn't have sex, but we're not really
into like what is actually what do we actually need.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
To be aroused and turned on?
Speaker 5 (15:19):
Clearly there's a direction there and maybe they'll come in
and I'm like, I'm not even I'm still finishing my
work email, I'm not even ready to go, and then
I'd feel like pressure to get turned on and aroused
and I'm not, And then I realized in this book
through myself knowledge and figuring out what I wanted. It's like, oh,
I need to have downtime before I even see you.
(15:39):
I need to have showered. If I keep bringing this
up because like I realized when my house is freezing now,
like I will not be in the move for sex
if it's dirty I have if the sheet someone else's
sheets aren't clean. And so I've learned to like kind
of hack my arousal if you will, so I know
that all these things need to happen, and not like
to be like high maintenance, but just take the pressure
off myself that I'm always going to be.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Set yourself up to Yeah, and tell my partner that too.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
Yeah, set your partner up for winning too. I mean,
you're helping both of you when you're honest about your feelings.
You're not demanding something. You're saying this is what I
would prefer, this is what's going to help me get
in the mood or be more attracted to you, or
be more aptive to have sex.
Speaker 1 (16:18):
One of the things that happens in our bedroom is
I for a while was shamed by my husband for
wearing socks during sex.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
How does that all the time with all three of
us actually, which is really appropriate.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
It's true, it's true. But I just found it was
like it makes me more comfortable, it makes me more
I don't know. Maybe it's like I'm when I have
to wear socks because my toks get cold. But then
I finally read that women actually can have a higher
likelihood of orgasming when they wear socks because you're you're
not distracted by cold feet or whatever. The thing is
(16:51):
the dirty sheets, the I'm the opposite.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
I want my feet out and free because I don't
like warmth. I see, like you're saying your house is gold,
be gross, sut if I walked into the house as
you war. Okay, this is what.
Speaker 5 (17:03):
I'm saying is that everybody's different, but we assume that
it should just work for us. So I had to
like through this self knowledge, and I do give people
in smart sex the step that I give like a
question throople. They can say, do I know that I
need to have had a conversation with my partner beforehand?
Speaker 3 (17:18):
I need to have.
Speaker 5 (17:19):
Done something fun with them, you have like physical touch
or I need all of these certain things to happen
because otherwise it's just the sex is gonna happen, so.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
You know, and also people should be better at reading
the room and see if it's an appropriate time, right like,
and and if somebody's tired, exhausted, came home from the gym,
is you know, like those aren't the moments to go
in on someone and be like, oh, like you know,
you have to be able to read your partner and
see when they're open to that and when you should
give them a little bit of space.
Speaker 5 (17:47):
Yeah, exactly, and then figuring out figure out where they
need to taste, but also figure out when is the
right sex time for sex to happen. So like, I
know that it's not gonna happen from me ten o'clock
at night. Most nights, I'm exhausted, I'm a bad I'm
doing my thing. I don't so my partner comes home late,
they want have sex, so I'm reject. I'm like, no,
that's not when I want to have sex. So then
I had to figure out, well, when do I want sex?
(18:07):
Most partners have missmash the beidos like just to want
to set that up. There is always in every relationship,
there is the high desire partner and the lower desire partner,
and unfortunately two high desire power and too low desired
partners never come together.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
They don't, so.
Speaker 3 (18:21):
Then you got to like trouble shoot.
Speaker 5 (18:23):
So if I to my partner, I'm like, don't even
try because I don't want to feel bad rejecting you.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
Again.
Speaker 5 (18:28):
Let's figure out when it's going to happen. So I'm like, okay,
made late afternoons is great, early Saturday mornings might be great,
but all these other times aren't or even scheduling sex
and people think that's the least sexy thing on the planettain.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
People, that's probably exactly what they want, right, No what
people right?
Speaker 5 (18:47):
That's true, they could, but some po are like, I
don't want to look at my calendar like pick up
dry cleaning, pick up the kids, fuck my partner.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
You don't want to see that.
Speaker 5 (18:55):
But then you know, though Saturday night tonight, I can shave,
I can breathe, I can clean the house, whatever the
things you need to make sure that that night that
you have sex, you can do all the whether it's fantasized,
whether it's not going out beforehand, masturbatee, all the things
you got into toys or charge so you can be
ready and not leave it up for chance. And you
think that this seems obviously most people are. I get
(19:16):
hundreds of questions a week from people, and that's the
point I was like, I kind of just have people
figure out themselves, because you guys can't talk. Don't you
want to answer every email you get.
Speaker 3 (19:24):
I do that idea, absolutely, and I can't.
Speaker 5 (19:27):
And then it's the same things, and I'm like, this
is going to help people smart sex. I'll help people
go through the rubric of questions and be like, oh,
this is why I can't get a mowner. This is
why I'm not turned on. And so you know, I
want to put the power in the people's hands if
they crack their own codes of sexuality.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Yeah, because like it turns me on when I'm in
a relationship and I go to the guy I initiate.
That's a turn on for me. So when you're coming
at me all the time, hitting on me all the time,
try and have sex with me all the time, that
is a turnoff. You know. I'm the type of person
like when I'm meeting you, when you make the first move, yes,
but once you're in a relationship, and that's how a
lot of people feel like, well, I want it to
(20:04):
be my idea. I want to go to you like
that's sexy to me, you know, giving them a look
or putting your hand on them and like yeah, let's go.
It's like and then you know, usually obviously the reception
is good, but I would like to be able to
do more of that, especially in my next relationship.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
I want that good.
Speaker 5 (20:21):
And so see, this is so good that you know
that that's a self knowledge portion and most people don't
even know that much.
Speaker 3 (20:27):
They've never even thought about it.
Speaker 5 (20:28):
But to be able to say to your partner in
a loving one of all these ways that people can do,
like their tone right and like timing and the tone
to have these conversations, but to be able to say,
you know what, I really love being the one that initiates.
So it doesn't mean that like I don't want you initiate,
but maybe like for the next few weeks or something like,
that's going to be on me and I want you
to know it's coming, but right now, for the next week,
please don't initiate.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Well, there's this also this fallacy that if you talk
about sex too much, you're losing like, you know, the
sexiness of it. And I would argue that that's exactly
the opposite of the truth. Like the more communication you
have about anything, the more on the same page that
you and your partner can be. So the difficult conversations
that may be challenging are worthwhile if you you know,
(21:10):
if you gather up the courage to have the conversation,
you're going to be rewarded with the results most likely.
Speaker 5 (21:16):
Exactly, it can be hot, I mean, and that becomes
because what we mostly crave in long term relationship is
novelty and spontaneity and something new. And when you get
over the shame the stress. In the book, I talk
about this the pleasure thieves, which is stress, trauma, and shame.
Those are the three things that are keeping us from
having sex. Once you get over that, you're like, Okay,
I'm going to get rid of my hang ups strong sex.
(21:37):
Talking about sex is actually becomes like fun. Like you're
talking about like where you're going on summer vacation or
where are we going to dinner? You're like, should we
try this position? Should we try this new toy?
Speaker 3 (21:46):
And it is hot, It's doesn't have to be like this.
Speaker 5 (21:50):
I can't believe we talked about it too much, and
now it's no longer hot. It's like the reverse happens.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
Yeah, agreed, agreed.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
Yay.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
Wow, let's jump to some collars and solve some people's problem,
shall we.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Okay, do we need to take a quick break.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Yeah, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right
back with Emily and Chelsea.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
And we're back.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
We are back. Our first caller is Sarah. She says,
Dear Chelsea, I'll cut right to the chase. My ex
boyfriend cheated on me and gave me genital herpes. Bummer,
I'll spare you the statistics. I know, what a jerk.
I'll spare you the statistics. But genital herpes is pretty
common and it shouldn't be a big deal. I'm hesitant
(22:35):
writing this, but the compassion and honesty with which you've
responded to others has made me feel like you might
have something to say about the topic that would be helpful,
not only to me, but to anyone else dealing with this.
I was devastated for a long time, but life moved on.
I got a dog, moved to a different city, and
I started pursuing a career that I'm so excited and
passionate about and I'm surrounded by people who make me
(22:57):
feel loved. I am happy and fulfilled in many ways
except for one. I haven't had sex or really any
type of intimacy in three years. In order to handle
the fear and shame that I was left with, I
decided I just wouldn't date and to retire my sexuality
at the ripe old age of twenty five. In truth,
my sex drive just disappeared when this happened, and I
(23:18):
haven't really had any interest in sex solo or otherwise.
I've been in therapy for years and I've keeled immensely.
I even managed to go on a few first dates
here and there, but it never went further than that.
I want a life partner, and I want to want
a sex life, but I'm holding myself back for fear
of being rejected when I disclose my status to someone.
How do I get past this and allow myself to
(23:40):
have a partner and the relationship I deserve? Sarah, Hi, Sarah, Hi,
his right place? Hi?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
How are you?
Speaker 6 (23:49):
I'm good? Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
You're welcome, well, thank you for calling in. And this
is our special guest Emily is here today. She writes
about sex, and she does a podcast about sex, and
she is all about sex positivity. So then it's a
perfect episode for you.
Speaker 3 (24:05):
Nice got you, Yeah, Sarah, Hi, nice to meet you too.
Speaker 5 (24:09):
So first I want to say that having herpes is
really common.
Speaker 3 (24:13):
It's not a death sentence to your second.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
One in three people have herpes, by the way, just
so you know, one in three people.
Speaker 5 (24:19):
Yeah, and they don't really a lot of people don't
talk about it, they don't disclose it and affects Sarah.
A lot of people have it and they don't even
know it, and they're spreading it and it's a whole thing.
But what I have found is that when you do
disclose it to partners, first off, usually they're grateful that
you told them. You let them know that you maybe
you're perhaps taking a daily suppressant. I'm not sure what
(24:39):
kind of medication you're on right now, And really the
chance of transmitting if you're taking a daily suppressive is
very very slim. So I actually look and hopefully people
are getting this knowledge that it's actually I'd rather be
with somebody who's on top of their sexual health. They're like,
this is what I got I've had chamtea. Once I
got it, you're like, great, you actually are somebody who
prioritizes your health, and partner who you actually would want
(25:01):
to be with is going to say, oh, here's somebody
who also cares about her health and who knows how
to communicate. And I think you're going to be surprised
how many partners you're gonna find. They're gonna be great,
no problem. And I'm telling you this from experience too,
because I hear this from many of my listeners all
the time that once they actually were real about it
with somebody, that nine out of ten partners were like, cool,
thanks for telling me. Let's go, let's go, let's go
(25:23):
to dinner, what are we doing, Let's get in bed, Like,
it's not what you think. So I hope you can
find the courage to go out there and start to
talk to people and realize you're young, it's really common
and it's going to be okay.
Speaker 3 (25:35):
And there's so many.
Speaker 5 (25:35):
People whose sex lives get even better because now you
have the freedom. You're like, I've said it all, I
got zero secrets. This is who I am.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
And once you tell one person, it's not going to
be that big of a deal. You're gonna get better
at telling people. And also something you need to understand
is you don't need to tell somebody that on the
first date you're not sleeping with them, probably or are
you Nope? No, Yeah, you don't strike me as somebody
who's having sex on the first date. So, I mean,
you haven't had sex in three years, so it would
be crazy for you to just start a write away.
Well not crazy, but it doesn't seem characteristic of you.
(26:03):
So you don't have to tell somebody right away. You
can build a relationship or the beginnings of a relationship
and then sit down. And also characteristically, that says a
lot about you, to be upfront and honest with a person.
They're gonna look at that and be like, before you
have sex with them, you can tell them. But also,
you're not contagious unless you have an outbreak, correct, correct, right? So,
and you're you seem very aware of your diagnosis and
(26:26):
it's not a big deal, like it doesn't fucking matter.
All you have to do is be mindful of other
people catching it. So when you have an outbreak, you
shouldn't be actively having sex with somebody obviously, but you
can tell somebody when you're in a relationship with them,
You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself about something
that one in three people in the world in the
(26:47):
world are dealing with all the time. I mean, you know,
you're gonna probably tell somebody who's gonna be like, oh God,
I have it too.
Speaker 3 (26:54):
Yeah, So it happens a lot.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
Yeah. By the way, so like me too. So I
really wouldn't worry about that aspect of things I understand.
I think reading between the lines of your letter and
what you're saying is that it's been so long since
you've been out there that it's harder to get back
in right because you don't have the kind of language
or experience other than the bunch of dates that you
(27:16):
went on, which I also think is a really good
thing and a good practice to just be exercising is dating,
because you know, it takes a pressure off when you
when you when you have a lot of experience with it,
you don't have to look at every date as like,
oh my god, is this going to be the one.
It's more of like, oh, let me see if I
even like this person.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
The more sex you have, the more sex you want
to have and I think that goes for solo play
as well. If you're just not doing it, it's easy
to be like cool, that's on the back burner kind
of indefinitely. Maybe there are some things you can try
that are like taking a nice bat that are sensual
and sexual and like maybe you're not even trying to
have an orgasm, but just like starting to prime the
pump for yourself with that and getting back into like
(27:56):
some solo play before you try to entering out in
the world.
Speaker 5 (28:00):
So true, huge fan of it. Sex begets sex. So
we have to keep our own pilot light lit. That's
the truth. Since we're in relationships and we think like
oh we're dating, we're like, oh, I'm going to save
myself or I'll get turned on right when we're ready
to go in the bedroom. But that's the other thing
we usually we're not, So it's like going to the gym,
like you got to keep it going. So solo sex,
love and yourself is going to have a way that
you're going to stay connected to your sexual energy and
(28:21):
then when you're out with somebody, then that's going to
be flowing and you're going to be a little more embodied.
Speaker 6 (28:26):
Yeah, for sure. That makes a lot of sense. I
think that kind of was what I was thinking with
going on the dates. And I think what I've noticed
is because maybe my sex drive has just kind of
fizzled out, there's no sexual chemistry. And I can't tell
if there's no sexual chemistry because there's no sexual chemistry,
or if there's no sexual chemistry because I'm scared, And
then it makes it difficult for me to make the
(28:47):
right call. Do I want to go on another date?
Is there anything there? And I feel like this is
not something I struggled with before everything unfolded the way
it did.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
Yeah, well, it sounds like you're playing a big mental
game on yourself, you know what I mean. I mean,
I'm glad you're in counseling because I think you I
think this is much more of a mental thing than
anything else. Do you can I ask you? Do you masturbate?
Speaker 4 (29:08):
Not?
Speaker 6 (29:09):
Really?
Speaker 2 (29:09):
Like there? You should start because if you want to
get that sex drive going right, like the way to
keep Like my friend was talking, I should say her name,
but I won't. My friend was talking about vaginal dryness
the other day and we were all laughing at her,
and because her doctor was like, the way to prevent
vaginal dryness is to use your vagina. And she's like,
she's like, I can't have sex with my husic because
(29:30):
my vaginas to dry. I'm like, well, that's your vaginas
you dry because you won't fucking have sex with your husband,
So stop blaming him, and it's you, Like you know,
like one thing leads to the other. So I think,
just start getting more comfortable with your sexuality, and that
does mean masturbating, you know what I mean. Spend time masturbating,
use a toy or whatever whatever gets you going. Just
(29:50):
start doing that because then you're exuding also a more
sexual energy and you're gonna you're more apt to feel
chemistry with other people once your sexuality is vibe, because
right now you probably feel it sounds like you feel
very like your sexuality feels dormant and you want to
wake it up right, and so that starts with you.
You're taking all the right SIPs, going on dates, you're
(30:12):
in therapy, start masturbating, and I mean, I don't think
I've ever given this advice book.
Speaker 5 (30:17):
I literally give this every day that I'm like a pusher.
I'm like a loop pusher I'm a toy pusher because
it's true, like we get caught off. So yes, masturbation
is a huge part of being sexually healthy. And like
when you're masturbating, do these like you know, like caggles
or like everyone prescribes to a kegle, like now you'll
do it now because I'm saying it, but that is
literally where that's the power source. So your pelvic floor
(30:38):
if you just like right now, squeeze it, like you're
like hello, you're connected to it. So when you're even
throughout the day, like you take a few deep breasts,
you're like, I'm gonna squeeze it.
Speaker 3 (30:45):
That wakes it up. That's the Kodalini.
Speaker 5 (30:47):
That's the energy that's going to start to flow because
right now it's like dormant because of the fear of
trauma you had from this diagnosis. These three years you've
been in your head, I'm not sexual and not sexual,
but you're twenty five years old, like your whole sexual
life is ahead of you.
Speaker 3 (30:58):
So like I'm not worried.
Speaker 5 (30:59):
We're not like at all words, it's more like getting
more touch, getting embodied, breathing, master bating, and continue to
go on these dates with people because it is a muscle.
And the more it's like, you know, going to the gym,
like maybe you went a lot to the gym three
years ago, it's been three years.
Speaker 3 (31:13):
You go, then you start going back.
Speaker 5 (31:14):
You go back for five minutes in time the ten
minutes you're like, oh, yeah, I move my body again.
The same thing goes for sex and for dating, and
then yeah, you don't have to tell anyone right away,
like when you start to feel it's getting that place
he with a second or third date, you're like, oh,
by the way, and also here's the other thing. When
you are disclosing it, it's not like we need to talk.
Speaker 3 (31:30):
You gotta be like, hey, yeah, by the way.
Speaker 5 (31:33):
Once you know that i've herpes and so I take
a daily suppressant, which means that it's like not gonna
if there's like one percent chance it could transfer, but
that's not the case.
Speaker 3 (31:40):
I just want you to know that any questions, you know.
Speaker 5 (31:42):
What I mean, like casual not like a death sentences, Nope,
that's it. Do you have anything and would do you
have anything to tell me about your sex list, like
anything that you want to talk about sexually, Like like
that just shows you have a growth mindset around sex
that you aren't care about your sexual health. And to me,
that shows like, Oh, here's somebody who's actually really honest
and who's going to prioritize my health, who cares about
my health because you're cheering it.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
And you can use this diagnosis to empower your sexuality,
right instead of it disempowering you. You can flip the
switch on it. You have the power. I'm excited for
you because I think you're going to have a big
sexual awakening once you get the ball rolling, things are
going to open up to you. You're sexy, you're beautiful,
you're young, you have all of this opportunity, and the
(32:24):
only thing that's preventing that is your own conversation with
yourself about your diagnosis. And that's just not going to
be the way it is moving forward. Herpes isn't going
to do you. You're doing herpes, you know what I mean? Yes, Yeah,
that's the way I look at drugs, Like, whenever I
take a drug, I'm like, you're not going to control me.
I control you. And that's why I have such good
experiences with drugs is because I am in control. I
(32:46):
don't lose my shit. I don't let something take over
my personality. And that's how you have to look at herpes.
That does not define you. That's one little blip and
it's not even a blip. Who cares? It means nothing?
Speaker 6 (32:59):
Yeah, totally. I think I kind of have let myself
get in my head and like kind of internalize It's
it's frequently the butt of a joke, right, Like you
see it all the time on the internet, and I
think I have let it get in my head. And
one thing I guess I go back and forth on
is I want to wait until I feel like I'm
ready to like disclose and like kind of just give
myself the freedom to do that. And then I'm always worried,
(33:21):
like what if they react and they're like, well, that's
so fucked up and I wasted a bunch of dates
with you, and what is that mine to worry about?
Speaker 5 (33:28):
Even?
Speaker 2 (33:29):
No, no, but who care?
Speaker 3 (33:30):
Like yeah, who cares?
Speaker 2 (33:32):
So then that's not the right person. It's like you're
worrying about things that may or may not even happen.
You know, the only thing you can guarantee is your
own behavior and that you act with a moral compass,
and by that it's like sharing the information with a
person whom you're going to be romantic with in a
long term way. Even you know, like if you're having
(33:52):
a one night stand, you don't have an outbreak. Some
people might disagree with me, but if you're using protection
and you don't have an outbreak, then you are good
to go. You've been putting yourself into like sex jail
for the last three years because of some fucking asshole.
Not so so stop it.
Speaker 5 (34:09):
I feel like you just let her out too. I
feel like we just gave you the I feel like
this is the first day of the rest of your
sex life right now.
Speaker 6 (34:14):
I hope it is.
Speaker 3 (34:14):
I'm feeling that you need to go have sex and
report tonight.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
Yeah you do, or at least masturbate and report back exactly.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
So we don't need to report on your masturbations, but
we do. But I kind of we want you to masturbate,
but we want you to also get out there start
experimenting with your sexuality, to reintroduce yourself to this new
sexual person that you're about to become.
Speaker 6 (34:38):
Yeah, thank you, I appreciate it. It's it's just helpful
to hear people talking about it.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
So yeah, I mean you. Listen, you're acting like you
have cancer.
Speaker 3 (34:46):
You don't like totally exactly.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
You're not dying, you're living, So live it up.
Speaker 6 (34:52):
Okay.
Speaker 5 (34:53):
And these people, can I say, with the people who
show you who they are, With the guys like, oh,
I can't believe you told me it not your person,
like the people are doing a favor when they're asshole.
Speaker 2 (35:02):
Absolutely, yeah, for sure, for sure.
Speaker 1 (35:05):
Well, thanks Sarka, thank you.
Speaker 2 (35:07):
Don't forget to hit us back. Give us an update
in a few months.
Speaker 6 (35:10):
Okay, we'll do take care.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
Okay, takes care.
Speaker 4 (35:14):
Well.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
Our next caller is Lynn. She says, Dear Chelsea, I
am a forty year old woman and I've only been
single for a year and a half of my entire
adult life. It's not intentional, it just worked out that way.
Within my decades of serial monogamy was the confession from
my husband and father of my two year old that
he identified as a woman and had been cheating on
(35:36):
me during our entire relationship. Turns out she just needed
a green card. My last relationship was with a wonderful
man who I consider the love of my life. Life
circumstances led to the end of that relationship after the
initial heartbreak about the end of a beautiful relationship. I
know that I need to enjoy this time being single,
truly single. I've lifted myself out of a self deprecating slump,
(35:59):
but there's one thing I just cannot justify out of
my mind. That is the sadness that I no longer
get to enjoy sex. I'm not a prude or a
slutshamer or a hopeless romantic. I just don't get enjoyment
from sex with someone that I don't have a connection with.
Should I consign myself to a celibate lifestyle or think
outside the box and try to push through my natural inclinations?
Yours truly, Lynn Hilin Hilen. Nice.
Speaker 2 (36:24):
Hi, how are you?
Speaker 3 (36:26):
I'm good?
Speaker 2 (36:26):
How are you? This is Emily our sex work for
the day. Hi. So you're newly single and it sounds
like you don't have a lot of experience being single? Yeah?
Pretty much? None?
Speaker 3 (36:37):
Okay, good, Well, it's a wholy beginning now the.
Speaker 4 (36:41):
Holy I just want to be excited about it, except
that I'm like, oh wait, I'm celibate.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
That's not fun.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
Okay, So I do want to you know, I think
it's important to explore why you're feeling like you need
to be celibate, And I do appreciate that you said, like,
I just don't feel comfortable having sex with somebody that
I'm not emotionally connected with. I had a friend who
went through a very similar thing where she identified as demisexual,
which is sort of this idea that like, unless you
(37:09):
have an actual relationship with someone or you know, feel
connect with them, you just like don't really have a
sexual attraction to them. Emily, you're nodding your head. Do
you want to say a little more about that.
Speaker 5 (37:19):
Yeah, No, I'm just saying it's really common demi sexual
sapio sexual, Like we need to have like an intellectual
connection with somebody before we feel hot for them. Like,
no one's expecting you need to go out there and
be able to bang somebody.
Speaker 2 (37:31):
Does it?
Speaker 3 (37:31):
Get the sex over with?
Speaker 5 (37:32):
Like it's okay to say I know about myself that
I'm somebody that needs a certain level of connection and
safety with somebody. So I think we could still you
could still find that, But it sounds to me like
some of the limiting beliefs are coming from these past
tumultuous relationships that you just had, right previously, and so
you're feeling like, well, now you have to be celibate
(37:52):
because there's no one out there, or I have this
need that can't be met, and I think that you'll
be surprised to find that you can. I know, you
can go out there and find new ways to meet
people and not pressure yourself, but just have lunches or
drinks or dinners or just however it is that you're
meeting people and actually see, do I have a connection
to this person. It's okay to take a few dates
(38:14):
and just see, and then it starts to be it's
okay to say that you need to know somebody before
you jump about with them. No one's pressuring you to
have casual sex. And that's because in case of what
you want to have, sounds like you already have knowledge
knowing that you need that connection.
Speaker 2 (38:27):
I do, and I.
Speaker 4 (38:29):
Worry that I'm going to find a connection and then
immediately slide into a relationship, because that's been my experience
in the past, as it starts with a connection and
sex and then all of a sudden, I'm in a relationship.
Speaker 5 (38:41):
You could lead with that too, You could let people
what I'm all for, like I'm the biggest advocate these days.
If you're on the dating apps, you're dating, like, let
people know right away exactly what you're willing to do,
what you're looking for, and where you're at, Like you
can even say. You usually get into all the drama
like oh this guy was so right now where I'm
at right now, I'm actually looking to date people and
have a connection and have something that's a little bit
(39:02):
more casual. But I mean this is I have two
nights a week to see you. I have one night
a week. I would like it to be like this,
I use protection. Would you be okay with that? You know,
just you'll find that people will say like, oh wow, okay,
well that's either what I am looking for or not
looking for. I think it's okay to be to be
clear that you're going to be surprised how many people
you find that are on board with you. And I'm
(39:23):
not even saying the first date you got to say
all that. But when you're clearer on what you want,
it's it's gonna be okay. Casual sex can be really satisfying.
In fact, I used to think that too, Like, and
I hear this from a lot of people. They're like, well,
I have sex with someone, I fall in love. That's
just a choice, that's a pattern. You're not really in love.
Like you had an orgasm and maybe that made you
(39:44):
feel connected, but you're in charge. You can say, you
know what what makes you feel connected is that I
text them every day, is that I see them four
days a week. So you could decide that you're going
to have a meaningful casual relationship where you only see
them once a week, or you're not texting during the week,
but the sex you're is still really satisfying. But you
don't allow yourself to fall into the old patterns, right,
(40:05):
and you have accountability partners and friends and people around you,
and like Chelsea be here, you can check back in
you know what I mean, set yourself up for success
this week because you know what you don't want it
to look like.
Speaker 2 (40:14):
Yeah, what is your experience with casual sex.
Speaker 4 (40:18):
I've During the year and a half that I was
quote single, I dated around, so I would, you know,
go on dates and maybe have sex with one or
two people. I would go to sex parties. I had
a lot of fun, but I didn't actually feel a
lot of physical pleasure when I didn't have anything there
mentally or emotionally.
Speaker 2 (40:38):
And is it going to be a problem for you
to say, Oh, Okay, I'm just gonna give myself six
months off of having sex with another person. What does
that mean to you if when you hear that.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
That doesn't freak me out.
Speaker 4 (40:50):
I really wanted to just put dating completely aside and
enjoy myself and go to plays and go to the museums.
I want to and hang out with friends without that
even being an issue, without even putting myself out there
to meet someone. Then there's just that like a little
bit of sadness of that part of my life that
I'm going to miss.
Speaker 2 (41:10):
Oh. I just think you can accomplish both of those things.
You know, if you want to have casual sex, it's available,
Like that's not hard to find. But I also just
from listening to you, the fact that you've been in
relationships accidentally for most of your adult life, this is
a huge opportunity to get to know yourself and do
all the things you just mentioned doing. You're not going
(41:31):
to be single forever. It's very rare that anybody is,
especially with your history and especially with you know, being
out and about and a social person. It's pretty hard
to avoid finding someone that you're going to be attracted
to again and wanting to have sex. But I would
even more focus just on this time investing in yourself
and taking this kind of window that you have and
(41:52):
being like, I'm going to do all the shit I
want to do right now while I don't have to
be tethered to somebody else who may or may not
want to join me doing these things, or prevent me
from doing the things because we have to do his things,
or whatever the dynamic may or could be. I think
it's very important for all women to spend a significant
amount of time alone by themselves to understand who you
are and to be able to ask for the things
(42:13):
that you want and to understand what you do want.
You know what I mean, Because you might spend six
months alone and be like, WHOA, this is glorious. I
want this. I want to be alone for another year
before I get into anything serious, or I may not
want to be with someone again. Who knows what conclusion
you'll come to. You know, it's not black and white
(42:33):
like that necessarily, but it's a huge like opportunity for
growth for you, and you should just look at it
like that. Instead of the things that you're missing, like, oh,
it's not like that. Look at all the things that
you're gaining by being alone and being able to go
to the museums, by being able to go to movies
by yourself or plays or with friends and not have
(42:54):
that kind of coupledom attached to it all.
Speaker 5 (42:57):
Yeah, I have to say that that is the best.
So now that I'm hearing where you're at, it was
not healthy in the past and all that taking six
months and saying I'm going to do I did this
when I was forty two. I did a mandatorium. It
was like a moratorium. I ment I'm like, I'm not
doing it for six months, and it was so freeing
to be like I don't.
Speaker 3 (43:15):
Have to think about it.
Speaker 2 (43:16):
I can do me.
Speaker 5 (43:17):
I can figure out who I am without a man
in my life, because I kept going from one to
the next and I really just wanted to figure out.
And it was such a wonderful time to get to
know who I am without a guy. I can go
to the opper where I can go see friends, I
can really think about it and I can reflect. It
gives you this open space to say what worked in
the past, what didn't work in the past. There so
much more time and then when you're ready, it's intentional, right,
(43:39):
you can you have the intentionality around now I'm ready
to step back into the dating world, and there's just
just realize how much time you have when you're not
thinking about texting someone and am I going to have
sex with this person or not. Huge growth happens in
the time of relationship with yourself and.
Speaker 4 (43:56):
Looking forward to that.
Speaker 1 (43:57):
Yeah, And Emily, you talk a lot in your book
to you about when it does come to solo sex
or masturbation or those types of things. Really discovering what
you like happens when you're by yourself, So like that
maybe another thing that you want to actually really intentionally
work on, or is having a thriving sex life that
like doesn't involve another partner for a while.
Speaker 3 (44:19):
Exactly.
Speaker 5 (44:20):
Yeah, the best work, the best sexual discoveries I made
was my solo sex time without a partner. I didn't
think I could have ju spot orgasms, for example. I
didn't think I could have multiple orgasms.
Speaker 3 (44:30):
I didn't even know.
Speaker 5 (44:31):
And I was like, I'm going to take time and
figure out my own owner's manual because I used to
leave it up to the guy. I'm like, well, he
must be able to figure it out, and like they
don't know what they're doing. I realized that no one
really knows, so I might as well take the time.
I got toys, I got lubs. I just kept talking
about researching it, and then I was realized. When I
was with a partner, not only was I more embodied
(44:52):
and I was more comfortable, but then I could actually say,
uh uh, like that doesn't work. We're not going so fast,
like slow down, go down to me for thirty minutes.
That's what's going to w Like. I was able to
be my own best advocate, and I want that for
you too. Most of us don't take time for that
at all, So I highly encourage time alone with yourself,
masturbating and having gets, you know, loving up on yourself.
Speaker 2 (45:14):
Okay, yeah, go home, masturbate, then go to a play,
and then go to a museum and see how you
like that.
Speaker 1 (45:20):
Yeah, sounds perfect. It sounds like a lovely saturday, honestly.
Speaker 2 (45:25):
Yeah, seriously. Okay, Well, I hope we were able to
help you today, Lynn. Yes, thank you, Okay, take care.
Speaker 1 (45:34):
Thanks so much, report back, okay, bye.
Speaker 3 (45:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (45:40):
I thought that was a really important call, just because
I think people think like, oh, well, you know, my
sex life is over just because I don't have a partner,
and I don't think that's true.
Speaker 2 (45:47):
But I just don't understand, like everyone needs to just
stop thinking that whatever is happening now is permanent.
Speaker 1 (45:53):
It's not.
Speaker 2 (45:53):
It's like, just because you break up and you don't
have a boyfriend doesn't mean you're never gonna have a
boyfriend again. It doesn't worked like that. Life doesn't work
like that. And instead of resisting whatever situation you're in,
embrace it and be like, Okay, this is my reality
for however long, because it could be a month and
she could fall in love with another guy and then
she only had that month to herself, and that's a
(46:15):
bigger issue in my opinion, being interdependent constantly.
Speaker 3 (46:18):
Yes, I'm thinking that we're broken.
Speaker 1 (46:19):
If we're single, well, let's take a quick break and
we'll be back to wrap up with Chelsea and Emily,
and we're back. We're back. Our last question comes from Beth.
Her location is somewhere in Europe. I'm an American and
have been dating a wonderful German guy for the past
(46:41):
three and a half years. We both have been previously
married and have kids. I've learned over the past two
years that his parenting styles are much different than mine.
Six months ago, he told me his daughter, who was
turning fourteen, wanted to have a sleepover party with some friends,
two girls and four boys, including her first boyfriend. She
also asked if her boyfriend could sleep in her bed
that night. He told me that he and his ex
(47:03):
wife have a very open relationship with their daughter, and
she told them that she's not ready for sex, but
just wants to snuggle with her boyfriend on her birthday. He,
his ex, and the parents of the kids invited were
all fine with the sleepover. My partner had a barbecue
for the kids and they were even allowed some beer
to drink that night. The kids stayed up all night
and he made them breakfast in the morning. My respect
(47:24):
for him as an amazing dad has diminished, and after
I heard about this, I didn't speak to him for
a week. I felt sick to my stomach and even
had trouble sleeping after hearing this. Recently, I asked about
his daughter and found out that she's now on the
pill and regularly having sex with her boyfriend. This news
came to me as a complete shock, but somehow I
knew it was coming. Now I'm not sure if I
(47:46):
can continue this relationship. My partner is very sympathetic to
my feelings, but he's proud of his relationship with his
daughter and feels he's done nothing wrong. He isn't proud
that she's having sex at such a young age, but
believes that she's very mature and it was bound to
happen sooner or later. He's happy that she's experiencing love
and passion at fourteen, rather than choosing drugs or alcohol.
(48:06):
I love him dearly, but I'm so disappointed in him
as a father and a parent. With a twelve year
old son and fourteen year old daughter. There are still
many years of parenting ahead of him. These aren't my children,
So why do I care so much? What do you
think I should do? Beth?
Speaker 2 (48:21):
Back up the judgment, Beth, these are not your children.
You are not their parents. They're European. The rules are
very different and probably more appropriate, quite frankly, because you
know European kids are. They're looser with sex, they're looser
with drinking. Parents are looser with you know what. They
the parameters they put on children over there, and guess what,
(48:43):
they have a lot less fucked up children because they're
not saying you can't do this until you're twenty one,
or you can't do this until you're eighteen. Yeah, fourteen
is young, tob be having sex, But guess what. I
was having sex when I was fourteen, and I'm okay,
I'm not fucked up, you know, like, yeah, it's a
little bit young, but it's different for everybody. And it's
not your job to parents his parenting unless you're gonna
(49:05):
have children with him. Did she says she wants children
with him.
Speaker 1 (49:08):
No, but she has kids of her own as well.
I just think they're not under the same roof.
Speaker 2 (49:12):
Well, then parent them. Great, parent your children, and let
him parent his. The judgment is so thick. It's just
too much. You're so judgmental of his parenting. It's it's
really not your issue to ever even give your opinions
on unless you're asked.
Speaker 1 (49:28):
Yeah, and she's an American. We grew up with all this shit.
You know.
Speaker 2 (49:32):
By the way, Americans don't have it figured out. FYI.
Speaker 5 (49:36):
We are so messed up because what happens in BA
exactly what happens in America.
Speaker 2 (49:39):
We're like, we sell children guns in this country. So
remember that Joernals don't do that.
Speaker 5 (49:44):
No, they don't have the gun problem. They don't have
the sex problems as much because they normalize sex. They
start teaching sex at in some places in Europe, especially
the Netherlands, when kids are like five years old. They're
not saying like, here's how you put in a condom.
They're saying, it's your body. They name the parts. They
don't say who oh, They're like, that's your vagina, that's
your volva, and they normalize sex. So when they talk
(50:04):
about sex and sex education, and maybe the German guy
it's like this where his kids grew up is they
have sex education where they do talk about STIs and
getting pregnant, but they also talk about pleasure and they're like,
here's how you would have an orgasm, and here's how
you ask for consent. So perhaps they had really comprehensive
sex education in school. And his daughter came to him
(50:25):
and said, Daddy, I feel safe, I'm gonna have sex.
He's like, great, let's get you on the birth control
pill and all those things. So I understand why that's
foreign because contrary to America, where we just tell kids
are by the way growing up, they're seeing porn at
like eight years old on their iPad and then they're
just told it's like shameful and wrong and there's zero
for information except for sex is gonna be this wonderful thing,
(50:47):
and then they go off and have sex and they
have no idea what they're doing. So I'm down with
him saying like, I'm so your parent. If you're gonna
have sex, here's birth control pill. Do it rather have
me do it to my home without alcohol and telling
me what's going on than this, Yes, she's got it,
and I'll stand your own kids.
Speaker 2 (51:02):
That with the ripple effect that that kind of parenting
has means kids are not hiding, they're not shameful. They
are able to communicate with their parents in a healthy
dialogue about things that are pretty sensitive. And American kids
aren't like that, you.
Speaker 3 (51:15):
Know, messed up about it.
Speaker 2 (51:16):
Back it up, sister, back it up and focus on
some other things. Yeah, oh, Emily, what what it's the light?
You have been Chelsea? So fun. I can't wait to
read your book as Smart Sex. We just got it yesterday,
So I didn't get a chance to read it, but
I got to dive right in.
Speaker 5 (51:33):
Yes, thank you smart Sex. Yeah, please do Guvan, thanks
for having me. I appreciate it. But you are a
blast and this is a good time.
Speaker 2 (51:42):
Thank you so much. Okay, guys. Also, I have added
more second shows to my Little Big Bitch tour. I
added second shows in Hollywood at the Pantages. I am
going to be there two nights October twelfth and thirteenth.
I added another show at the Chicago October twenty seventh
and October twenty eighth, one of my favorite places to perform.
(52:05):
I added another show in Portland, so I'll be there
November second and third. And I added a second show
in Boston at the Weighing Center, so I will be
there November sixteenth and seventeenth. I also have two shows
in Seattle, San Francisco, New York at the Beacon and Washington,
d C. I will be there October fifth and sixth.
(52:25):
And a special shout out to Phoenix, Arizona, where I'm
coming Saturday October fourteenth. And then I'm coming to Cleveland
Columbus in Pittsburgh, So suck on that, you guys. I
can't wait to see everybody. Oh, and I'm coming to Eugene,
Oregon too, everybody. That's November ninth, twenty twenty three, and
I will be at the Clubhouse in East Hampton, which
(52:48):
is going to be a very intimate show on Saturday,
August twenty sixth. So if you are in the Long
Island area, that's where I'll be the Clubhouse.
Speaker 1 (52:57):
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law and
be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com.
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