Meeting Men at Airports with Matteo Lane

Back by popular demand! Matteo Lane joins Chelsea in-studio to talk about how he found a healthy relationship, the importance of airplane etiquette, and dating after you’ve been to therapy.  Then: And a Peace Corps cutie wrestles with opening up his relationship with his long-distance love.  A newlywed has to choose between her wife’s feelings and her ex-girlfriend’s neediness.  And a fiance wonders if there’s something strange about her man traveling the world… without her.

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Click here to check out Matteo’s new comedy special, Hairplugs & Heartache

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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail]

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Executive Producer Catherine Law

Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert

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The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, everybody. It's the week of July fourth, and I
would like to say in honor of Independence Day? Is
that what July fourth? Yes, it is Independence Day. I've
forgotten because all of our holidays need to be canceled, right,
like Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Speaker 2 (00:13):
I'm sure Flag Day is there's something wrong with that time.

Speaker 1 (00:15):
No, nothing's wrong with Flag Day. Actually, that's a good
day to have a threesome. I always say, you know,
it's a three day week it's a three day weekend.
If it's a three day weekend or it's Flag Day,
then you can get up to some funky stuff like
anal or whatever you're into. I love that I invented anal.
So thank you, Thank you for your gift to the world.

Speaker 2 (00:33):
Chelsea. Do you think that your partner should also be
your best friend?

Speaker 1 (00:37):
I don't care about any well, I mean I guess
I don't care. I mean, you know, sometimes that's great
and sometimes it's not. Ultimately, yes, they have to be
your closest confidant and like know everything. I mean, you
don't have to tell them everything, obviously. I think women
have friends and then they have their spouse. And yeah,
if you can combine those two but it's very annoying

(00:57):
when people are like, he's.

Speaker 2 (00:58):
My best friends.

Speaker 1 (01:01):
Yeah, he's my best friend. Like I was texting with
my girlfriend the other day and she's like, I go,
let me guess, because she took a while to text
me back. I go hello, Hello. I'm like, shalom, where
are you? And she writes she's like, sorry, sorry, I
was cooking, And I said, yeah, I bet you're listening
to a podcast and you're cooking in the kitchen because
that's her thing. Yeah, and she goes, and then my husband,
whose name i'll leave out, she goes. Then he came

(01:21):
home and just ruined my whole afternoon. And I was like,
that's the kind of honesty I'm looking for, you know
what I mean.

Speaker 2 (01:28):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:28):
Yeah, it's nice to fall in love and have those feelings,
but I think as you age, it's the closest person
to you, so do they also need to be your bestie?
It's a little interdependent.

Speaker 2 (01:39):
Yeah, I mean I think, you know, it's great to
have a friendship with your partner, but also like you
should have other best friends.

Speaker 1 (01:44):
Well, yea, you should definitely have a friendship with your partner,
because that's a problem. A lot of people have where
they feel like they're in love, but they don't like
their partner. So it's very important to like your partner
because without that, then there's that comes with respect, and
if you don't respect them, then then everything falls apart.

Speaker 2 (01:59):
I feel really lucky. Grew up with a dad who
was like, women can get anything they want on their own.
They can get money, they can have their own house,
they can have their own lives. They can give themselves orgasms,
but the one thing they can't do is make themselves laugh.
That's what you should look for, someone who like you,
dig their vibe and they crack you up.

Speaker 1 (02:16):
Okay, guys, we have added more shows to my Little
Big Bitch tour because I'm coming all over. We added
a second show at the Pantagius in Los Angeles, so
that's October twelfth and Friday the thirteenth, which is my
favorite day of the week or the year, I guess.
We added a second show in Boston at the Wang
Center September twenty ninth and thirtieth is two shows in

(02:36):
New York. I also have a show in East Hampton,
New York. August twenty six we added a second show
in Portland, so Thursday, November tewod Friday November third, and
Portland November fourth and fifth in San Francisco, two shows there.
We added a second show in Seattle November tenth and eleventh.
Two shows Boston are November sixteenth and seventeenth at the

(02:57):
Bach Center at Wang Theater. And I'm also coming to
Toronto and Montreal and Ottawa and so many other cities Columbus, Cincinnati, Detroit, Louisville.
So I will see everybody at all of these shows.
Thank you. Get your tickets at Chelseahandler dot com. Next

(03:19):
guest is back by popular demand because everybody just loved
him and his absolute gayness, which everybody appreciates on this show.
Our gay guests are our highest rated guests. Who knew
we had just a bunch of what are we called
when you hang out with gay guys? But we can't
say that right.

Speaker 3 (03:37):
Flies can't say that either.

Speaker 1 (03:38):
Oh really, fruit flies are out? Okay, so Ravo fans,
but I don't even watch Bravo, you know what. I'm
so sick of. I'm so sick of hearing about that
fucking show with whatever just happened in Maddox and some
divorce they sent me a break down to explain it
on social media for all of the people who don't
watch the show and need to understand what's going on.
I was like, thank you for this chart graph. Anyway,

(03:58):
his new special is Availa on YouTube. It's called hair
Plugs and Heartache, and you're gonna fucking love it because
everybody loves Mateo Lane. So welcome Mateo Lane.

Speaker 3 (04:07):
Thank you, thanks for having me. I'm excited to be back, having.

Speaker 1 (04:09):
You back your second appearance. Like Juliana Margulis, who's also
very popular on this podcast, we have had two. She's
coming back as well. Well, she'll be back for her
third episode. But I have to tell you, Mateo, so
much has happened. I have so many men that want
to fuck you. That's contenting me about fucking you. So

(04:30):
one of my new friends, a newer neighbor, actually was like,
oh my god, you got to set me up with Matteo.
And I was like, all right, but I think he's
kind of into boys his own age. I didn't know that.
I just assumed I've only seen you out with a
couple guys, and it seems to be consistent and you
have a type, and so I let him know that
he's not it, and he's like, well, could you just
ask him? And I asked him and then I heard

(04:51):
the news this morning. I was leaving my house and
my assistant Casey, I said, oh, Mateo's on the podcast
because we've recorded Joel Kim Booster yesterday. I love. Yeah, yeah,
he's pretty solid and uh and he was like, oh,
I'm so obsessed with Mateo. I go, oh my god.
Everyone wants to fuck Mateo. And then I found out
that Mateo has a boyfriend.

Speaker 2 (05:13):
Wow.

Speaker 3 (05:14):
Well, it's it's all very new, but it's I think
a couple of months, but it's like that it's the
healthiest thing that I've ever been involved with, Like someone
who communicates and sees a therapist and understands themselves. And
I'm like, wow, this feels very healthy. That's new. Usually
I love hot men that hate me. But he's great.
He lives in Mexico and he's been in New York.
I'm in Mexico. We're going Italy together in a couple

(05:34):
of weeks.

Speaker 1 (05:35):
N So, do you speak Spanish to him?

Speaker 3 (05:37):
I do, well, we speak more English because his English
is really good, but I do speak Spanish, but I
have an Italian accent when I speak Spanish, so everyone's like,
you sound like Mario super Mario. Yeah, oh no, you know,
pretty embarrassing. But yeah, I'm really it feels very good,
very healthy. And he also understands, like, I mean, it's

(05:58):
long distance, but I'm like, anyone who dates is going
to have to date long distance, right, you know, you know,
on the road.

Speaker 1 (06:03):
But it's preferable in a relationship. I think it is
preferable in our day and age. There are so many
ways to communicate, and the only way to not get
sick of somebody is to not see them all the time.
I agree, And it keeps the fire burning, right, yes.

Speaker 3 (06:16):
Yes, but it's nice that so many people you don't
want to fuck me. I know, I feels good.

Speaker 1 (06:20):
I know. I mean you must be used to that though,
getting hit on by people's friends or wanting people people
wanting to set you up with their friends.

Speaker 3 (06:27):
Right, Yes, that happened. That does happen pretty often. But
you know, I don't know. I'm I kind of just
I'm on planes, I play video games, then I do shows.

Speaker 1 (06:34):
So how did you hook up with this guy?

Speaker 3 (06:36):
I just started following him on Instagram because he was
so gorgeous, and then I said him like a hard
emogi in the heat, like someone Back then we're just chatting.
It was like casual check. Then it was chatting all
the time. Then he's like, well, here's my number, and
then it was facetiming all day.

Speaker 1 (06:49):
Before you saw each other, were facetiming. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (06:51):
And then I met him at the airport in New York.
And then before I met him, I was like, what
the fuck? Why did I agree to this? Like some
strangers come in my home. Now I got to like
take him around New York. The second I met him,
I thought, he's going to be in my life for
a while.

Speaker 1 (07:04):
That's cute. What do you mean you met him at
the airport?

Speaker 3 (07:06):
Did you picked him up?

Speaker 1 (07:07):
Oh that's old school MATEO. I don't even know how
to get to the airport.

Speaker 2 (07:10):
When you're meeting someone for the first time. Do you
like bring flowers? Do you bring I.

Speaker 3 (07:14):
Brought an approaching bar.

Speaker 1 (07:15):
No, Catherine, no one's doing that. No one's bringing flowers
or hard boiled eggs to the fucking air Thin lives
in La La Land.

Speaker 3 (07:23):
I love that now, Chelsea. Anytime I'm on a flight
and I see something like people with their feet up.
I just text you.

Speaker 1 (07:30):
My dms are so filled with people. They were like
I was on this flight from Singapore to whatever, and
look what happened. And I'm like, I want to help
you people, but I need to stop getting fee in
my dms. There's a whole There was a New York
Times article with its flight attendant who said, like, these
are our requests moving forward, Please honor these things. And
then one that I thought was interesting was don't recline

(07:52):
your seat until you asked the person behind you. And
I'm like, well, no, I disagree. Disagree. I disagree too.
So based on what that you can't work. It's not
like you're lying down into someone's lap.

Speaker 2 (08:02):
Here's the thing. Traveling with a husband who's six foot five,
even if he's sitting totally up straight, his knees are
against the person's seat back, and so when they put
it back, like really hard, it's really painful. Yeah, so
that's that's.

Speaker 1 (08:16):
What it is.

Speaker 3 (08:16):
Well, I think if I have someone who's six foot
five sitting behind me, I'll be sure to ask them.
But usually I was peak right, Well, I think I
agree with you if everyone has the option to go back,
because what are you going to say you can't go back,
but then I can.

Speaker 1 (08:29):
That's it's that argument, Yeah, you can't go back because
someone too tall is behind you. Also, like, I get it,
it's actually empathetic and compassionate to do that, but at
the same time, it's like I have to sit erect
because you're so tall. I mean, I just like and
then well, I always think it's so annoying when they
come over and put your seat back up before takeoff,

(08:51):
Like why what the fuck is gonna happen when I'm
reclined in ten degrees during takeoff? Like is the whole
plane going to blow up? But I thought it was
interesting that the flight attendants had this whole thing of rules,
Please don't talk to other people's children, don't yell at
other people's children, because there was this article that came
out about South Korea that were doing public spaces, that

(09:12):
were talking about they wanted to prohibit children in certain
public spaces, and I was like, even, I think that's
wrong because they're part of society. Like it's one thing
to have a restaurant or a club that's no children allowed,
but not in parks or like public areas. They have
every right to be there. I don't want to see
them either, but I don't want to discriminate against children.
They didn't ask to be fucking born anyway. That's that.

(09:35):
Back to your relationship, Mateia, when was the last time
you had a long term relationship? Have you ever?

Speaker 3 (09:41):
Yeah? I did. I've only had two boyfriends, and the
last one was on and off for four years. That
was but really on and off. I mean, we were together,
then we break up.

Speaker 1 (09:50):
So volatile. Would you describe it as volatile? Turbulent?

Speaker 3 (09:53):
It was turbulent. It was a lot of turbulence, and
I didn't have a seat belt. So yeah, but you know,
we ended up becoming friends, like him and I stayed friends.

Speaker 1 (10:03):
That's nice.

Speaker 3 (10:04):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is the first person
I've ever dated where I thought to myself, like, oh,
they also could be a friend. Like when I dated,
I was always under the assumption like, well, this is dating,
so like I have to behave a certain way or
look a certain way. And with him, I'm like, oh,
we can just be weird and go karaokeing with each
other and have fun and be silly and I don't care,
you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (10:23):
So it feels good and isn't it a big difference
when somebody has gone to therapy, Like obviously, but I
don't think I would date anyone who hasn't been to therapy.

Speaker 3 (10:31):
It definitely helps because it makes conversations much better, deeper. Yeah,
and I think honesty is key to most of it.
Just be honest, Like, you know, I felt I was
always a jealous person, but I realized it wasn't that
I was jealous, is that I was insecure because my
partner in the past was doing things on purpose to
get that out of me in a way to make
themselves feel more secure. So now with him, like he'll

(10:54):
be like, oh, yeah, when I dated this one guy,
and I don't feel a shred of jealousy or like,
oh that guy's attracted, don't feel a strategy. I'm like, oh,
that's because he's a good communicator.

Speaker 1 (11:01):
Yeah. It's also the ability to communicate the greatest thing
about therapy and becoming in touch with yourself is the
ability to articulate difficult emotions so that when you feel
insecure or you feel jealous, you're actually able to communicate
that like this makes me feel this way, instead of
you know, a ridiculous reaction to that feeling you what's
your therapy story. How long have you I've been.

Speaker 3 (11:21):
Going to the same therapist for almost two years now.
He's great. He's gay, which I really like.

Speaker 1 (11:26):
That's probably best, right.

Speaker 3 (11:27):
Yeah, because I had a straight therapist for a minute,
I would say certain things that he either wouldn't understand
or he would say, well, you know, just because you're
gay doesn't mean, like you know, everyone has it. I'm like, no,
there are some things that are specific.

Speaker 2 (11:40):
It's a worldview thing.

Speaker 3 (11:41):
It's a worldf you think. My friend Joel Johnson is
a great comic. She was like, you know, I want
to see a black woman because I'm black, and they're
going to understand my experiences and it'll just make me
more comfortable talking about my experiences. She helped me find
my therapist and I was like, yeah, I feel like
a gay guy would be I don't have to explain anything.
And she was like, you should find someone who's gay.
And he's right. I see him every Tuesday. It's great.

Speaker 1 (12:02):
Yeah, I would like I had a gay therapist once.
I did because my friend was going to him and
I thought it would be great, and it had no
impact at all on our therapy, like I mean, it
was obviously I don't need a straight therapist. I don't
think I actually like to. I relate to gay men
a lot too, so I find when you're around a
straight For me, I become attracted to people when they're

(12:23):
smarter than I am. So it didn't happen with Dan Siegel,
thank god, because he's half the size of me, so
I wasn't going to be attracted to him, and I'm
you know, he's an older man and he's married, so
that helped also us not to penetrate. But yeah, I
like being vulnerable in front of a man for some reason.
There's like a dynamic there that I respect, probably because

(12:43):
I feel it's that little girl syndrome where you like
want someone to take care of you.

Speaker 2 (12:47):
Yeah, and they're in a position of power, and it's sort.

Speaker 1 (12:49):
Of any doctor I want to fuck after they helped me,
you know what I mean, anyone as soon as I like,
I have to go get an epidural in my neck
for my slip disc or whatever. My neck is so
fucking annoying, and I'm going to be attracted to the
anesthesiologists because they put me under and anytime that happens.
It doesn't matter what that person looks like. As soon
as they are holding my hand and they're like okay,

(13:09):
count back from ten, I'm like, I'm I want feelings
for you. And then you never see them again. So
it's kind of like the perfect encounter, Like yeah, okay,
we're going to take a quick bubble bath and we'll
be right back. We're back.

Speaker 2 (13:27):
We haven't taken a bath in a Why.

Speaker 1 (13:28):
Well, we don't have a bath at this studio. That's
why it's all showers. Yeah, it's all showers.

Speaker 2 (13:32):
I don't.

Speaker 1 (13:33):
I tried to take a bath the other night, and
I was so stoned when I got home. I I,
this is really not a funny story. It's it's embarrassing,
but I'm going to tell it. I had a stomach
flu or a bug or whatever. I had explosive diarrhea
for three days on the road, and one night it
was so bad I just kept running the bathroom, grinding

(13:55):
in the bathroom, and my opener was on stage and
I was sweating like sick, and I was backstage. There's
my security guard and then a strange security guard that
I've never met, just watching me while I'm sitting there
trying to clench my asshole so that nothing else hts.
And I'm like, just I have to get on stage,
because you know, you get on stage and it all
goes adrenaline takes over you never like that is the

(14:16):
perfect elixir for any time you're saying get on stage,
if you get in front of a large, crowded and
I remember just sitting back and I'm just like this,
like oh, and then I had the decision do I
run in the bathroom one more time or she's getting off,
or do I just go? And because I was like,
what would happen if I shot my pants on stage?
Like what would I do? Would I continue? I think

(14:36):
I would if it's far enough away from everybody. I'm
not going to.

Speaker 3 (14:40):
Say, Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 1 (14:41):
Yeah, I think that the smell obviously would be a problem,
but I mean I'm always wearing black, so it's like,
I don't know that everybody would see it. But oh,
it was just so terrible. Obviously everything went fine. I
got on stage and then the diarrhea ended the next morning.

Speaker 3 (14:55):
So clip though it is straight when I get on stage,
if I'm sick, I'm not sick. If I'm never sneezed
on stage. I don't cough. It's like everything becomes everything phrases.

Speaker 1 (15:04):
Yeah, it's true. A dreynonline is a powerful tool.

Speaker 3 (15:07):
Well good, Next time I have explosive diarrhea, I'm running
to the comedy seller.

Speaker 1 (15:10):
Take a zou fran that's actually good for really Yeah,
zofran is good for nausea and diarrhea. Oh, I found
out the hard way. I already use I'm going to
Africa for the summer, and I've already used half of
my drugs that are Africa for now because oh my god,
I'm having all of the illnesses and I'm supposed to
have an Africa already. I'm like, can I get a

(15:31):
refill on that zip bro.

Speaker 2 (15:34):
Well. Our first question actually comes from Josephine. Dear Chelsea.
I'm in the process of combining lives with my boyfriend.
He feels like my forever person, but we've run into
a few speed bumps in combining finances. My partner loves
to travel and he loves to shop. He makes a
good bit more money than me, so he's starting to
travel without me a lot and planning more trips in

(15:57):
the future solo because he can afford to go. I'm
happy for him, or at least I really want to be.

Speaker 3 (16:02):
Is she? Because she's writing us, how happy could she be?

Speaker 1 (16:04):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (16:04):
When you travel a lot, So I thought this was
a good question for you. We're currently trying to start
a family, buy a house, and plan for a small wedding,
so all my finances feel tied up in the future.
So I'm choosing to save money rather than push my
budget to join his travels. I'm trying to find fulfilling
ways to spend my time when he is away, but
I can't stop thinking about how much money he's spending

(16:25):
seeing the world alone. The question am I short changing
myself by not asking my partner to give up a
few experiences now for our future together? Should I drop
all of it because I want him to be happy
and I don't want to fight about money or attempt
to control how he lives his life. Is it okay
that I feel sad and that I'm getting left behind
for trying to be responsible with my money. Should I

(16:45):
just say fuck it and spend all my money traveling
with him? Or should I get a third job so
I can save money and travel and not feel as
sorry for myself that I can't do it all, Josephine.

Speaker 1 (16:55):
Don't get a third job, Like, why would you do
that if you don't have to?

Speaker 2 (16:59):
I think out of this, Kay, yeah, I don't.

Speaker 1 (17:02):
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (17:03):
I'm suspicious of the amount of traveling this game exactly
do alone?

Speaker 1 (17:06):
Who is he traveling with? If he's not traveling with
her by.

Speaker 3 (17:09):
Apparently by himself, he's just going to Croatia by himself.
That's I would also be I'm like, Okay, who are
you meeting? Who you hanging out with? What are you
doing alone? Like, I don't want to travel alone.

Speaker 2 (17:19):
You want to be with your person, if you have
a person, If you have.

Speaker 1 (17:21):
A person, and also he should want to be with her,
and like wait until she has the money or save
the money together, or be generous enough to say, I've
got this trip for you. You know what I mean? You
can come. I know you can't afford it right now.

Speaker 3 (17:33):
Maybe plan less trips, but with trips that you can
afford to bring her along. Wouldn't that be what you
want to do? Yes?

Speaker 1 (17:41):
But I would say, also, you're planning a small wedding.
This is good information for you to have before you
get married to somebody, because what's going to happen when
you get married. Is he going to continue to go
on trips by himself?

Speaker 3 (17:51):
Is he going to do his honeymoon alone? Yeah, I'm
going to go to Vietnam alone.

Speaker 1 (17:55):
And I also, just like, you know, this whole co
mingling thing of finances. I just don't understand why once
you get with somebody that it shouldn't be just like
a shared pot of Like not that you share all
of your money with each other, but like what do
we our expenses together? And in the areas where somebody
needs help, the person who's making more money should be
willing to help that person. It's your partner. You're supposed

(18:17):
to spend your life with this person. It's going to
be sometimes you're going to have more of an advantage financially,
and sometimes he's going to have more of an advantage financially,
So you're both gonna have to scratch each other's back
at some point. But when you're with somebody that you love,
that shouldn't even be an issue. It's not like you
should give all your money away to a stranger. But
I'm saying, like, be conscientious about your partner's needs and

(18:37):
wanting to be together. You're supposed to be a couple,
so I don't know. He kind of sounds like an asshole.

Speaker 3 (18:42):
But he really does selling an ass It's like, I'm
going to take trips by myself and I'm not going
I love that. Like, what's her deal with the relationship
that she was like, should I feel bad? Yeah, I
write this letter to Chelsea Handler, you should feel bad.
I would feel bad for you. My boyfriend's like, I'm
taking trips all by myself, bye bye. I'd be like, okay, okay,
I'll be home playing angry birds, Like you don't want

(19:03):
me to come with it all? Are we to local
shit together?

Speaker 1 (19:05):
I think when you're in a relationship that's like that,
it's totally fine to go on a trip or two
by yourself or with your friends, of course, but not
as a regular thing. That's kind of like very inconsiderate.

Speaker 2 (19:18):
The fact that she's taking all of the responsibility of
saving for their future on herself. I don't love this.

Speaker 3 (19:24):
Is she communicating she you know what she needs to do.
She needs to communicate this to him and be like, hey,
instead of going to Zimbabwe, maybe stale.

Speaker 2 (19:33):
Yeah, And also, who is in Zimbabwe that you're seeing. Yeah,
I know that this is also like get in front
of a couple's counselor because he might have some like
backlash of like, wow, I'm just doing my thing and
why would you want to staple me?

Speaker 1 (19:45):
Good point, he should, Well, they're gonna have to split
that one. But also I think you know, when you
see things that make you not feel good about yourself,
you have to pay attention to those, especially before you
marry someone, because those things usually just intensify once that
deal is settled. Like if in the courting phase people

(20:06):
aren't on their best game, things are only going to
get more comfortable and less lax as you go forward.
So like, I think you should really address this, and
a counselor would be a great idea. Or you can
just tell him to go fuck himself. But it sounds
like you like him.

Speaker 3 (20:20):
So how would he feel if she went on a
trip without him.

Speaker 1 (20:24):
I'm sure he would say he's fine with that, no problem,
because he knows it's not a real actuality, Like it's
probably not going to happen.

Speaker 2 (20:30):
Yeah, I don't know. I think it's a real big
red flag. Josephine and go take into a counselor well,
our first caller today is Read. He is in Ecuador
and he is in the Peace Corps. He is twenty four.
Reid says, Dear Chelsea, I've been in a committed relationship
with my boyfriend for over a year and I'm totally smitten. However,

(20:51):
I moved to Ecuador in January, giving us a fourteen
hour time difference. And he'll tell you more about this.
But his boyfriend is in South Korea, and of course,
because we're in our twenties, we decided that we should
try an open relationship to grapple with the distance. Since then,
I've hooked up with a few people here and there,
but no one really excites me like my boyfriend, and
I've recently stopped seeking out other people all together. My boyfriend,

(21:13):
on the other hand, has been, let's just say, very busy. Recently,
I've become overcome by emotions of incredible jealous money. It
appears as though he's unable to go out with his
friends and not go home with somebody. We had intimacy
problems before the distance, and I know that my insecurity
is stemming from those problems. Make it harder for me
to be at peace while he's having fun. I also

(21:35):
think it's odd that he doesn't get jealous at all
and actively wants me to hook up with other people
like fight for me anyway. I want to cut off
the open part of our relationship, but I don't want
to gate keep his self discovery and experimentation as he's
somewhat newly out of the closet and into the gay scene.
What should I do? Clever? Sign off?

Speaker 3 (21:52):
Read Hi, Read Hi, read Ola Ola Ola?

Speaker 4 (21:56):
Come much done? How are y'all?

Speaker 1 (22:01):
Yeah, we're gonna do this.

Speaker 3 (22:03):
That's the biggest coffee cup I've ever seen. That look
like a measuring cup for baking.

Speaker 1 (22:07):
You've never had coffeeidor that's how they serve.

Speaker 2 (22:12):
Excellent.

Speaker 1 (22:13):
I had a beer last night for dinner. I fucking
enjoyed that beer. But it has to stay cold.

Speaker 3 (22:17):
Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 2 (22:18):
It's a good when it's very hot out. Are you
been doing yard work? Yeah?

Speaker 1 (22:21):
Have you been doing yard work the Peace Corps? Are
you gonna answer?

Speaker 4 (22:28):
I did sign for yard right now?

Speaker 1 (22:29):
No, good for you. That's nice that you're in the
Peace Corps. Good boy. I love that.

Speaker 4 (22:34):
Yeah, thank you, thank you so well.

Speaker 1 (22:35):
Matteo is a registered gay man so I'm going to
let him start with this, and because you have more
experience in.

Speaker 3 (22:41):
This, yeah, I think that. So you guys are in
an open relationship. And it's interesting because a lot of
gay people are queer people will tend to go back
and forth like I'm open or no, we're like monogamous,
And I think breaking the rules and doing whatever we
want is the benefit of being gay is that we
don't have to follow the same rules of society. But
that doesn't necessary. I mean, it still works for you. So,

(23:02):
like I understand that you're saying like, Okay, well we're
separate and this is the healthy thing to do and
blah blah, But if you're already starting to run into
issues that are affecting you emotionally, then I think it
would be time to have a conversation with your partner
and be like, you know, I know this is something
we agreed on, but I'm feeling a certain kind of way.
Do you want to stop fucking everyone you see in
South Korea? Or you know? Because I just feel like

(23:25):
I have friends who literally clean the house for the
other person's grinder appointment. He's like their boyfriend's like, oh,
I can clean in the house, He's got a grinder
date and then I'm getting out of here. Well, I
think that's great. I don't work that way. I work
better in monogamy because I'm maybe because I'm obscure, I
don't know, but I'm sensitive. So I think it just depends.
And if would you prefer to be in a monogamous relationship,
did you do the open relationship because you felt that

(23:46):
was the right thing to do to keep him?

Speaker 5 (23:49):
I definitely would prefer to be in a monogamous relationship
for sure.

Speaker 4 (23:52):
I didn't do it because I felt like that was
how I would keep him.

Speaker 5 (23:55):
I did it because, you know, there's a lot of
distance where continents away, there's a massive time difference. I
can only talk to him in the morning or at night,
and so you know, like there's also like certain needs
and things that happen, and so like it just was
a logical step for me. It wasn't necessarily in fear
of the relationship falling apart.

Speaker 3 (24:13):
Now, when is the next time you guys will be
with each other?

Speaker 4 (24:17):
Eight It depends.

Speaker 5 (24:21):
So I'm in Ecuador until twenty twenty five, Oh my god.
And he doesn't have a real immediate path back to
the US because he was deported, So we don't really
know when we'll be in the same country again, though
hopefully he'll come and visit me sometime in.

Speaker 1 (24:34):
August or September so he can visit you. How long
can he come to Ecuador for.

Speaker 4 (24:39):
I mean, it depends on his work, schuess and everything.
It would only probably be for like two weeks.

Speaker 1 (24:43):
Yeah, I mean, it was very generous of you a
to just like open up your relationship when that's not
really your kind of predisposition. You know, that was nice
of you to do. And all you can do is
be honest. I think that's all you can do with
any relationship, because you have every right to be want
to be monogamous, and he has every right to want
to be, you know, not monogamous, have lots of different
lovers and experience, and especially since you said he's to
write out of the closet, all you can do is

(25:05):
have an open conversation with him and said this is
how I'm feeling. I mean, it's not like a deal breaker,
but I just want you to know. I mean, have
you said anything like this yet.

Speaker 4 (25:12):
Yeah, we had a conversation kind of shortly after.

Speaker 5 (25:14):
Actually, I wrote the email to you all, and I said,
I was like, I don't really know if this is
working for me right now. I don't really know how
I feel about the open component of what we've got
going on. And when we started the open relationship, we
kind of had a rule. It was like, if somebody
wants to close the relationship, we have to close it.
And so I kind of indicated that that I wanted
to close it. But then he said, okay, fine, like
I understand, we made that agreement that if one of

(25:36):
us wants to close, the other one has to agree.
So he acquiesced. But then he kind of also said
at the same time, I'm also like really exploring myself.
I'm learning more things about my sexuality as I'm out
here meeting different men and you know, immersing myself into
the gate community and gay scene in a different way.
And I also don't want to lose that. So then
I kind of backtracked and said, Okay, well, I understand
where you're coming from, and I don't want to as

(25:57):
I mentioned the email, I don't really want to gate
keep your self discos and your experiences. So I again
kind of just like let him essentially win the conversation
for that reason.

Speaker 1 (26:08):
Yeah, I feel like when people need space or time,
you should give them double even if it comes to
a point where you kind of like he should definitely
come visit you, if and when that's possible. But I
think you should look at the relationship as like a
maybe instead of everything right. Hopefully he'll circle back around.
He has to sew his oats. Everybody has to get

(26:29):
that out of their system at some point, and it
sounds like that's what he's doing. And I think as
long as you if you can tolerate that and giving
him the space you know, you should do that. And
if you can't, and if you get to the point
where it becomes really unbearable for you or untenable because
of where you are emotionally, then you should also just say, like, listen,
I really care about you and I do not want

(26:50):
to limit you at all, but why don't you go
do your thing. I still would love you to visit me,
but let's not have this label as we're in a relationship.
You know, that way, it doesn't feel like such an
affront with him hooking up and that way, maybe when
you guys do reconnect, it will be a reminder of
why you guys were in a relationship in the first place,
and so much will have been under the bridge at

(27:11):
that point that maybe he will have sown his oats
and been satiated in that regard and wanting to get
into a normal relationship. But I would only send the
relationship if you get to a point where it's just
really not pleasant for you. I think it's very unsustainable
what you're describing, as young as you guys both are,
with that time distance, with everything up in the air,
and not knowing when he's going to be able to

(27:32):
really like get out of there permanently or come live
with you or whatever you're you know what I mean.
It's just it's a young love and it doesn't sound
very practical or sustainable.

Speaker 2 (27:44):
Yeah, it feels like, you know, something that might work
really well is when you're together, you're together exactly what
Chelsea's describing, and when you're a part, you're apart, but
you like know that you're in love. I know, this
is the worst thing you can say to someone who's
twenty four and in love, but people come back together if
they're meant to be together. You know, I really do
believe that.

Speaker 1 (28:02):
What's that saying, though, saying when I let someone go,
if they fly away.

Speaker 3 (28:08):
If that's the Maria lyrics from Butterfly.

Speaker 1 (28:11):
Let it fly, fly, fly away, and if.

Speaker 3 (28:13):
It comes back, it was meant to.

Speaker 1 (28:15):
Be, and if it doesn't, it was never yours to
begin with. I listen, nobody respects Mariah Carey more than
I do. I care.

Speaker 3 (28:26):
Yeah, you know what My suggestion is, just listen to
Mariah Carey's Butterfly album and over and over again, and
you'll find all of your answers there. Okay, not win
in DOWB.

Speaker 1 (28:38):
So how do you so? I mean, you seem like
you're okay. You don't seem devastated emotionally or anything like that.

Speaker 4 (28:45):
At Ebbs and Flows.

Speaker 5 (28:46):
I wrote my letter to the podcast when I was
really in my feelings about it, because there had been
like a couple issues, Like there was like an STD scare,
there was him kind of being not super communicative, and
so there were problems at the time when I wrote
the letter, And like the last week or so since
then has been like a lot better and I feel

(29:06):
a lot more comfortable and secure with where we are currently.

Speaker 3 (29:09):
How long have you guys been together for.

Speaker 5 (29:11):
We've been dating for about fifteen months over a year.

Speaker 3 (29:15):
Like you're like one of those mothers that has like
a seventeenth month year old child, and instead of saying
one and a half, you're like, yeah, any other eighty
five months?

Speaker 5 (29:22):
Well, because I don't know, yeah, yeah, sure, you're like
fifteen months.

Speaker 3 (29:25):
Not that I'm counting.

Speaker 1 (29:26):
It's what were you going to say before? Mitteo is
so rudely interrupted you.

Speaker 5 (29:32):
The last week, so I felt more secure in what
we've got going on. But I know he's out partying
right now, yeah, because the time different. So it's like
four am in Soul and I know he's out with
the guy he like soak up with, and he normally
texted me good night, and he hasn't text me good night,
So I'm like, what the fuck? But that's just me
like getting into my own head and like being bound
by like the insecurities of stuff that's happened in the
past and all these other things. I'm trying to rationalize

(29:54):
my emotions when I feel like I should just be
able to feel them.

Speaker 3 (29:57):
It really doesn't sound great.

Speaker 1 (29:59):
It doesn't sound great. Here's what I want to say
to you. I understand everyone has been through this. You're jealous,
and you're looking at the phone and you're when are
they gonna call? What are they gonna text? Are they home?
Who are they with? You're in the Peace Corps, You're
doing a lot of great shit on your own. I
really would urge you to just kind of try to
redouble your efforts towards yourself and not obsess. I know

(30:21):
it's harder to do than to say, but it is
a practice, like anything, to not obsess over what he's doing,
because it's really nothing you can control and you know that,
and focus on your efforts on what's happening with you
down there in Ecuador and the people that you're surrounding
yourself with. That's a once in a lifetime thing. You're
never going to get this time back, you know what
I mean, So better to have it spent being present

(30:43):
and meeting guys down there.

Speaker 5 (30:45):
You know.

Speaker 1 (30:45):
Yeah, just because you had sex with a couple guys
that didn't interest you, that doesn't mean that no one
in Ecuador will interest you.

Speaker 5 (30:51):
Yeah, But I do think that's also a bit of
the issue I've been having too, is like I'm living
in like a little bit of a smaller city there's
not a lot of people around the more rural and
so my options just as a gay man in general, I.

Speaker 3 (31:03):
Mean, yeah, it looks like you're calling me from like
the back of a shed, love shed. That's a lot.

Speaker 5 (31:09):
Literally, I'm like in a house like right off the highway. Yeah,
it's like there's just like I am living in a
smaller area. There's not a whole lot going on. There's
not a lot of options for me, even like if
I wanted to get out there and like see other people,
have sex, other people, whatever it is.

Speaker 4 (31:21):
It's rather limited.

Speaker 5 (31:22):
Where he's in like a major metropolitan city, he's able
to live his twenties in a better way.

Speaker 3 (31:27):
What's the biggest city near you?

Speaker 4 (31:29):
Quito is about four or five hours away.

Speaker 3 (31:32):
Okay, yeah, you can't just kid.

Speaker 1 (31:33):
Yeah, I would say you get some really fucking good
books and start educating yourself even further. You know, you're
obviously a responsible, caring individual, and I would say to
spend that time really filling your brain up, because nothing
works as escapism to me like a book does, and
especially when you're down there in this kind of different
part of the world. There's so much to learn in
their books that they have available there just about that

(31:54):
whole about all of South America, Like you could be
filling yourself up with knowledge and occupying your time so
that you're not looking at your phone, you're not spending it,
and also make some guardrails for yourself that you're not
checking your phone, you know what I mean, give yourself
a couple of those crucial hours where you're waiting for
him to check in where you don't look. You just
have to get off of the habit and fill yourself
off in other ways. And I'm not talking about seeing

(32:16):
it so just I mean, I am, I am. Of
course that's always an option, but if people are few
and far between, figure out other ways to entertain yourself.
And the last time you spend on your on your phone,
yeah yeah, well find a nice girl entertain DA would
be so proud. Oh yeah yeah right, yeah, you're like dad,
I met a woman. She's an Ecuador. We're together. It's over.

(32:37):
My gayness is over. It's stopped. It's it flew away
like a butterfly. Sorry that you're feeling this way, but seriously,
you're awesome. You're handsome, you're smart, you're fun, and you
have a good vibe. Going. Don't let someone else kind
of take out your joy and you know, for life
and learning and growing.

Speaker 3 (32:57):
Also, does he party every single day?

Speaker 1 (33:00):
Sounds like it.

Speaker 5 (33:01):
No, it's not like an every night thing. No, but
like a couple of times a week. And I just
like he's going out. I know where he's going. I
still have friends in the city, right, so like they
see him out, Like some of them will like texting
being like yo, I saw your man tonight doing X,
Y and C.

Speaker 3 (33:13):
Well, then you need to tell them to stop texting
you about. You got to put an end to that.

Speaker 1 (33:19):
Yeah, that's not fun to s Did you used to
live in South Korea?

Speaker 6 (33:24):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (33:24):
I lived there last year after I graduated college.

Speaker 1 (33:26):
Oh what brought you there? Or took you there?

Speaker 5 (33:28):
I should I didn't want to get a real job,
so I taught English there for a year. I'm an
anthropology student. Oh cool, I'm going to go back to the
level and.

Speaker 4 (33:37):
Get a PhD anthopology.

Speaker 5 (33:40):
So I just like traveling, seeing different cultures, studying different people,
things like that.

Speaker 4 (33:44):
So it was just a good fit. That's why I'm
doing the peace could Yeah.

Speaker 1 (33:47):
Yeah, you know what a good book I just read
on Cuba was called Cuba and American History by Ada Ferrar.
If you're looking for a good.

Speaker 4 (33:53):
Book, awesome, Yeah, that'll keep you look into it.

Speaker 1 (33:56):
Okay, Well, good luck to you. Yeah, I would luck
works out with you and just you know what I mean.
Remember to focus on yourself. You're the most important thing
in this equation. You have to make sure that you're
happy and all of the good things.

Speaker 4 (34:10):
Yeah, I agree. I agree with that.

Speaker 2 (34:14):
Well, keep in touch, okay, read and don't hit your
hat when you stand up.

Speaker 5 (34:17):
Okay, I actually I actually did before I got on
the call.

Speaker 4 (34:20):
That's so funny.

Speaker 1 (34:21):
I was like, is that a thatched roof? And then
I'm like, no, it's actually.

Speaker 5 (34:23):
Would Yeah, too much beer in this giant mud.

Speaker 1 (34:28):
Yeah, we'll keep drinking. That's the one thing you should
continue to do as well.

Speaker 3 (34:31):
There we go.

Speaker 1 (34:31):
Yeah, all right, take carried all.

Speaker 4 (34:33):
Right, Well, thank you so much. Nice meeting your eye.

Speaker 3 (34:35):
And is me.

Speaker 1 (34:41):
It's so interesting being gay, Like I just would never
be down with an open relationship. I wonder what my
limitations are because obviously monogamy is not sustainable. It's very
hard to stay with somebody for longer. For now that
people are living so long, it's just not natural, right.

Speaker 3 (34:58):
I just know, I mean, and I don't know. I
think everything has to be a little bit like alcoholics anonymous.
It's day by day. You just got to go day
by day with a relationship. I think the second you
set all these expectations for years and years into the future,
it's just natural for people to want to break those
rules and not feel confined. But really, and it's crazy,
Like some of my best friends, I have gay friends

(35:20):
who just they're so like open, like, oh, I have
an extra boyfriend. We all hang out together and da
da da da. So it depends on how you establish
your relationship. And if you establish your relationship on trust
and a good foundation, maybe that works. It doesn't work
for me. But I'm also Italian, so yeah.

Speaker 1 (35:38):
But I also don't want to fuck a bunch of
guys like I. If I'm in love with someone, I
just want to fuck that person, Like I've never had
the desire. Maybe I've never been in a relationship long
enough to have the desire to have sex with other
people because usually when I got out of a relationship,
but I don't want any sex for a long time,
it's like back the fuck off.

Speaker 3 (35:57):
That's not a healthy way to go. Then when you
get out of a reallylationship and you're just sleeping around
like calling all your.

Speaker 1 (36:02):
Exes, Yeah, that's I remember that. That's very young behavior
when you get broken up with or you break up
with someone and you want to go out to have
revenge sex because nothing makes you feel worse than having
sex with somebody you don't give a shit about. True,
it makes you feel so lame, like you're not getting
that's not fun.

Speaker 3 (36:16):
I felt bad for I mean, to be honest, that
situation sounds horrible.

Speaker 1 (36:20):
Well yeah, yeah, it doesn't sound horrible, but it doesn't
sound like it's gotten to last. He's not holding on tightly.
But you know, obviously when someone's kind of trying to
be free, you can't hold on to them. You got
to let them do their thing.

Speaker 2 (36:32):
And a fourteen hour time distance alone is like just
as I.

Speaker 3 (36:36):
A six hour time difference, And that was hard enough,
you know, because at like five pm, that's it. I'm
not talking to him anymore. He's asleep, so it's in
the rest of my night it's alone. You have to
catch back up in the morning. It can be hard.

Speaker 1 (36:47):
I used to have a boyfriend who lived in New
York and I lived in LA and he would call
me when he got home at night, but it would
be like three four in the morning. He owned a
bunch of bars and restaurants at LA, so he was
always out fucking partying and probably cheating on me. And
I was so insecure in that relationship, and I just
was like I would always be there, Like I'd wake
up in the morning and check my phone and make
sure that did he text me? Could I did he
call me? Did he try? You know? And if he didn't,

(37:08):
it was a huge fucking argument and it was so exhausting,
like relationships like that age you you know, because you're
not acting like your best self. You're not even acting
like your real self because whoever like triggers you. And
it's really no one's fault. It's not his fault, because
I mean it was because he was lying about everything.
But you know, if he had told me the truth,
I was like, if you could just tell me the truth,
then I could make my own decision about whether or

(37:30):
not I want to participate in this.

Speaker 3 (37:31):
But alse you're spending all your time worrying and getting
jealous and getting anxious, like all this energy could be
put towards us to working towards a common goal, right
and right now it's about him covering up and me
worrying about it. It's like, not a I don't understand.

Speaker 1 (37:44):
That you could spend all that time masturbating actually, which
is what my two friends who are staying with me
from Canada are doing at my house right now. I
just would like to make a public service announcement that
my two friends are here visiting. But I get a
lot of shit sent to my house and a lot
of vibrators sent to my house. Whether they're from Goop
or Whoop Do Do Woop, I don't know where. There
are vibrators everywhere, and they're all in a box upstairs

(38:05):
because my bell knows that I don't jerk off with
a vibrator. I just don't. And these girls have charged
all my vibrators and have been jerking off NonStop in
my house.

Speaker 3 (38:15):
An earth square because your house is sha so much.

Speaker 1 (38:17):
Yeah, this morning, my friend's like, buddy, that was the best.
That is the best vibrator. You should try it. I'm
like the one you just used. You want me to try?

Speaker 5 (38:24):
No?

Speaker 1 (38:25):
Thank you?

Speaker 2 (38:25):
From you know, there's a little bowl. I mean We'll
be down with that.

Speaker 1 (38:28):
I've never seen anything like it, such a positive masturbation community.

Speaker 3 (38:34):
I have a joker. I'm like, I'm so tired of masturbating.
It's like I'm thirty six. I feel like I'm running
an errand sometimes I lie to myself. I pretend to
be my own wife, and I'm like, not.

Speaker 1 (38:43):
Tonight, Hut, I have a headache.

Speaker 3 (38:45):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (38:47):
Well, our next caller, Olivia, wanted to talk about an
ex that's been texting her. So she says, Dear Chelsea,
I'm a twenty nine year old lesbian and I've been
married to my wife for two years and I've known
her for eight years. My problem is dealing with my
first girlfriend, whom I dated ten years ago. As you
can imagine, your first girlfriend as a woman is very special.
That said, my ex has continued to want a friendship

(39:10):
with me. We made amends a couple of years ago
after she reached out to me wanting to restart our friendship.
Knowing we were both in relationships. We all began hanging out.
The more we hung out, the more I realized I
felt weird hanging out with my ex, and it got
to the point where I needed to end our friendship.
After a long day and night of drinking, I got
the courage to tell her that the friendship was difficult

(39:31):
for me and I didn't want any part of it. Well,
my wife overheard the conversation and we haven't spoken to
them since. I promised myself I wouldn't fall for the
I miss you texts anymore and the friendship was over.
My now wife and I got engaged a few months
after the incident, and we've been happily married for two
years and are in the process of starting a family.
I haven't thought twice about my ex until recently. I

(39:53):
received a long text from my ex over two weeks ago,
and it was the standard I miss you with a
sprinkle of were meant to be in each other's lives.
The moment I read it, I got very angry and
wanted to respond to tell her please leave me alone,
but I didn't and haven't. Now I feel like an
asshole for ghosting. I want nothing to do with her,
but I'm not sure what to say.

Speaker 1 (40:10):
Olivia, Hi, Olivia, Hello, Hi, this is Matteia Laine, our
special guest today.

Speaker 3 (40:16):
Yes, hello, Hey, how are you good?

Speaker 2 (40:19):
Hi?

Speaker 1 (40:20):
I don't think there's anything wrong with you blowing off
your ax. I mean, it's not appropriate anymore for you
guys to have a relationship for it. Sounds like multiple reasons.

Speaker 6 (40:28):
Yeah, I agree. I just wasn't sure because you know,
there's a whole talk about ghosting people and it's like disrespectful,
So I wasn't sure if I should at least just
say something.

Speaker 3 (40:39):
I think it's disrespectful for her to not respect your boundaries.
If you had to explain to her multiple times that
you don't feel comfortable with the relationship with her, and
she's still send you those messages, then you're allowed to ghost.
I think ghosting is only rude if you've not communicated
how you feel to that person, and you have so
you don't need to.

Speaker 1 (40:57):
It's actually not even ghosting. Ghosting is when you're in
a conversation with somebody and all of a sudden they
disappear without any explanation. You've already given her an explanation, correct, Yes,
So how many times do you want to repeat yourself?
Can't you just block her at this point?

Speaker 6 (41:13):
Yeah? Yeah, and I have, like throughout the years, I
would block and then unblock, you know, not that whole
toxic thing.

Speaker 1 (41:18):
But well that's stupid. Just blocker and be done with it.
Just blocker and be done with it. Meeting her in
your life. It's an ex girlfriend. They don't be sentimental
about it. It's over. It doesn't work with your new relationship.
That's more important in your life, right, your new relationship,
So fuck it. Don't worry. You don't owe her any explanation.
You already told her. Say I'm done with you, miracle
ear that's your last text, and then block her.

Speaker 3 (41:38):
I like how we're getting a very Natalie and Bruglia
like music video.

Speaker 1 (41:42):
She's on the floor like where everyone's so good looking
that calls.

Speaker 3 (41:45):
It everyone My god.

Speaker 1 (41:47):
I keep saying that, and it just sounds like we're biased.
But no, I just can't live how good looking everyone is.

Speaker 3 (41:51):
Yeah, we have great but yeah, I think that you're
just you don't want to leave the situation with the
impression of like, I'm a bad person. But you're not
a bad person. But you also can't allow people to
just walk over you if they text you, If you've
explained how you feel and she doesn't respect that, you
have every right to stop them from entering your life.

Speaker 2 (42:11):
Yeah, And it sounds like this, like the rekindling of
the friendship stirred ups and things, and obviously, like I
caused a rift, like you talked about with your with
your now wife, Do you want to talk a little
bit about like the shame and stuff that brought up
for you, I know, especially today and talking about this
whole thing.

Speaker 6 (42:26):
Yeah, Yeah, it was like kind of even hard to
connect to this call. I felt really shameful after it
had happened, just because you don't want someone who you
love to kind of like overhear this conversation that's so
personal with someone who you're not in love with, but
it's just kind of this like necessary conversation that needs
to happen, And so yeah, I just was really embarrassed

(42:48):
about it, and we spoke about it. I went to
therapy and got over that. And obviously we're married now
and we're planning to have a family.

Speaker 3 (42:55):
And how many cats do you have?

Speaker 6 (42:58):
One?

Speaker 1 (42:58):
Okay, you're gonna need to get another one.

Speaker 2 (43:03):
He won't like that. Yeah, Yeah, I just think you
don't need to have any shame about this.

Speaker 1 (43:10):
I think you expressed I don't even understand what your
shame is about towards your new wife for having the
conversation with your ex girlfriend.

Speaker 6 (43:17):
No, the whole situation that happened with my ex and
my wife overhearing the conversation.

Speaker 1 (43:21):
Oh no, that's that's like, yeah, don't don't feel shame
and don't self immolate, like everyone is so hard on themselves.
You're married, you're happy, you have a cat to go
to the park.

Speaker 5 (43:33):
You know.

Speaker 3 (43:34):
Well, she's also giving way too much credit to her
ex's already.

Speaker 1 (43:38):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Speaker 3 (43:40):
You can't manage her feelings and your wife's feelings and
your feelings all at the same.

Speaker 1 (43:43):
Time, especially when she's not respecting your wishes.

Speaker 2 (43:46):
Yeah, yeah, you're and there's a there's a reason you're
not with her and you're with your wife now, who's
like someone who obviously loves and respects you. I think tonight,
in order to like get over some of these feelings,
I think, make your wife a really nice dinner, have
a romantic evening. I think you need to just say
I'm absolving myself of any negative feelings around this and
just like have a wonderful candle at dinner tonight.

Speaker 6 (44:07):
Okay, Okay, we'll do we'll do that.

Speaker 2 (44:11):
Yeah, and play positive music, yes, yeah, Like Natalie and Brulia.
All right, Olivia, thank you so much.

Speaker 6 (44:22):
All right, thank you all so much.

Speaker 2 (44:24):
Bye bye.

Speaker 1 (44:27):
Was Olivia in Ecuador too?

Speaker 2 (44:28):
I think so? I told her. I'm like, these are
lesbian problems, like lesbian's always say.

Speaker 1 (44:33):
It seems to definitely have different problems, especially to gay men,
because lesbians are more monogamous than gay guys.

Speaker 3 (44:38):
Right, Oh, yeah, you know the joke, right, well, stand
a joke. What does lesbian bring on a second date
her apartment? Yeah, you haul pretty much. But what does
a gay bring on a second date? Oh?

Speaker 2 (44:47):
I don't know this part.

Speaker 3 (44:48):
What second date?

Speaker 2 (44:51):
I like that? Well, why don't we take a quick
break and we'll be back. I have two kind of
shorter questions. But there's some internet drama afoot.

Speaker 1 (45:00):
Oh okay, oh i'd like to I like the usage
of a foot. Okay, we'll be right back later in
a minute with our feet and we're back.

Speaker 2 (45:15):
We're back.

Speaker 1 (45:16):
Katie says, Hey, this is Katie courrct she almost every week?

Speaker 3 (45:20):
Is it really Katie? Correct?

Speaker 2 (45:21):
She does love you, she loves you very much.

Speaker 1 (45:23):
No, it's not Katie.

Speaker 3 (45:24):
Oh I would have lost my mind.

Speaker 2 (45:26):
This is dear Chelsea. My name's Katie. I'm twenty six
years old. My husband of less than a year and
I met in twenty sixteen, and three months later I
was pregnant with our now almost five year old son.
We were very toxic for a long time. He has
issues with substance abuse and I had untreated mental illness.
It was a recipe for disaster. We broke up for
two years, and then in twenty twenty we ended up

(45:47):
getting back together with a mutual understanding and agreement that
we would consciously engage in a healthy relationship. A big
thing for me is trust, and part of trust to
me is having access to each other's phones. Not in
the type of way that I obsessively go through his phone,
but I want to know the password. Before we were married,
I had my own fingerprint on his phone and he
knows the password to mine, and we both had full

(46:09):
access to each other's phones. Then one day after we
were married, he decided to change his password and remove
my fingerprint. He still has access to my phone. He
says he has nothing to hide, and as far as
I know, he's never cheated on me. But even if
I pick up his phone, he immediately grabs it from me.
It bothers me it makes me feel like he's got
something to hide. I wouldn't even have a desire to

(46:29):
look at it if I didn't feel like he was
hiding something from me. What should I do just keep
going as if nothing's wrong? Or should I make this
a big deal? Katie?

Speaker 1 (46:38):
My opinion is I hate when people look through each
other and I find that to be so going.

Speaker 3 (46:43):
To step it. I think that your phone is your
own business and to want to go through someone else's
phone is unhealthy and insecure. Mm hmm.

Speaker 1 (46:52):
And yes, it's troubling that he now doesn't want you
to go through his phone after he's given you carte
blanche access to it up until now. Then there's that
side too, where it's like, yeah, it does sound like
he's up to something. And at the same time, I
hate when people go through each other's phones. It's just
such small behavior. So I don't know what to say
to that. I don't know. I mean, yeah, he does,

(47:13):
So why would he change her fingerprint all of a
sudden and then jump every time she grabs the phone?
That is kind of a red flag. So now that
the Pandora's box has been opened, like, yeah, you got
to find out what he's up to. But I would
also say, like to anyone who's listening, like, do not
start a relationship where you have access to each other's phones.
Why is that necessary? You're starting out of mistrust Like

(47:35):
that is You're always going to find something you don't like.
He could be doing something as stupid as watching porn
and he doesn't want you to see that.

Speaker 2 (47:41):
You know, Yeah, it could be like very normal porn.
I mean, like brand and I have access to each
other's phones. We like know each other's passwords, and I
might grab his phones, like look something up on the
internet if mine is not nearby, and he is fine
with that. To me, I'm sort of like, if there's
not an issue, if there's nothing to hide, why not
you know, why why the need to hide it? But

(48:01):
I don't know. I guess people can be embarrassed about
things that are not red flags.

Speaker 3 (48:06):
You know what, You're probably right, Chelsea. I think it
might just be something small, as like porn. You know,
it doesn't necessarily not everything has to lead to their
cheating on me. But it sounds like she has a
little bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. She wants him
to be cheating on her and to make and to
meet that end. And I don't know if that's her
enjoying the drama or she likes she hasn't dealt with
any trauma or whatever that is if you're trying to

(48:28):
replace something and get to a point where that that's
where you end up, because I think that does happen,
But it's.

Speaker 1 (48:34):
Another element of control. Like looking through someone's phone, wanting
to know who they're talking to and what they're doing
it every second of the day is not your fucking
business unless you're sign these twins like that is not
your pion and like you need autonomy as people because
you're not attached to someone. You can be in a
relationship with somebody, but that doesn't mean you own that
person and you can control that person's behavior or thoughts.

(48:56):
The whole point of being in a relationship is you're
bringing two people together. So I just think like starting
a relationship out like that way with you just move
just your phone, Like it's so dumb. Yeah, it's like
you want to hold through my phone, look through it,
but you're gonna find something that's going to piss you off.
If you're that fucking paranoid in the first place.

Speaker 2 (49:14):
Right, Like, I don't have a desire to go through
his phone or like look in his Instagram, DMS or
his text messages because I'm not worried about it.

Speaker 1 (49:20):
More on that later. Anyway, I'm in trouble guys anyway.
I mean, I guess we helped you, but I don't know, honey,
So I but I would, Yeah, I guess find out
now that you've find out, what is it? What's in there?

Speaker 2 (49:32):
So you think she should like try to get act I.

Speaker 1 (49:34):
Guess, yeah, they're married, right, Like.

Speaker 3 (49:37):
Yeah, I just want to know now, just for curiosity,
so she can report back and let us know what
she didn't find.

Speaker 2 (49:43):
Katie, let us know about the clown porn that you find.

Speaker 3 (49:45):
It's going to be like the al Capone Like they
found his like that they opened that door and there
was nothing inside. Do you remember that in the eighties,
they were like, oh my god, we found al Capone's
like hide away. What's going to be inside? They had
all these cameras live TV. They opened it up empty.
But we always assume there's something on the other side
of that door. Yes, and it's just boring porn.

Speaker 2 (50:06):
Well, our last question today comes from d slightly similar question,
you're Chelsea. Recently, my boyfriend of one year took me
to the store because he said he had a surprise
for me. He led me to the bathing suit section
and said he wanted to buy me a new bikini.
He said he had a specific one in mind. He

(50:26):
then explained he had seen it on Facebook on a
woman he went to high school with, and the style
of bikini really made him think of me. Then he
proceeds to pull up a picture of this gorgeous woman
who looks about twenty five years old with huge boobs
and a tiny waist. He casually says that she's single
and always posts selfies. He hasn't talked to her in ages,
but thought he could reach out to her and see

(50:47):
where she got the suit. I could see the message
quickly as he scrolled through the picks of the scantily
clad babe. He complimented her by saying she looked great,
and then asked where she got the bikini because he'd
liked to buy one for his girlfriend.

Speaker 3 (50:59):
I'm sorry, at what point when she was writing this
did she not say to herself, I can save myself
the time and break up with him.

Speaker 1 (51:06):
My god, the.

Speaker 2 (51:07):
Bikini was pretty basic and just FAI am in my
forties and my boyfriend is in his fifties. This woman
went to high school with him. Kudos to her for
aging gracefully or using filters anyway, I thanked him for
the surprise, but it still rubbed me the wrong way.
What is yours and Catherine's take on this, I'm curious, sincerely.

Speaker 1 (51:25):
D Yeah, no, D. He sounds like a total toolbox.
The whole story is so stupid and so convoluted.

Speaker 3 (51:34):
Yes, I was gonna say it's convoluted the fact that
he's like this girl that was a high school with
Then I thought him, and I thought about you, but
I thought we should go to the store. And it's like, what,
she's got a bikini?

Speaker 1 (51:42):
And so I d mented her and texted her, where
did you get your bikini? Because I want to get
one from my girlfriend. Sounds like he was trying to
fucking hook up with that girl. What are you doing?

Speaker 3 (51:50):
Well?

Speaker 2 (51:50):
Like, I don't know would he have been that open
with her about.

Speaker 1 (51:53):
It if he was just so dumb, like, you don't
need the same exact fucking bikini. There are a million,
I think suits out there that would be and it's
similar to whatever.

Speaker 3 (52:03):
And it sounds like he's digging himself out of a hole.
He's giving way too much explanation. All he had to
do was without her by the bikini and say, you
know what, I think he would look really hot in
this and move it along. You don't have to say
this girl went to high school with and this and that.
But I think whatever, it's like what, you're insane.

Speaker 2 (52:21):
I don't know if it's breakappable, but like, this guy
sounds like a dummy.

Speaker 4 (52:24):
It's not.

Speaker 1 (52:25):
It's not like, oh, but he just sounds like such
a yeah, like a dumb ass, like a doe. Yeah.
I mean men are so stupid sometimes. I mean, it's
just sometimes embarrassing. Well, I'm just trying to give them
some credit.

Speaker 2 (52:38):
Oh please, Well now that we've solved that.

Speaker 1 (52:41):
Well that was easy, yes, pie, I mean I don't
think we really fucking helped anybody today. But uh no,
heavy lifting over here.

Speaker 2 (52:48):
We maybe broke reads hard. I do feel a little
bad about that.

Speaker 3 (52:51):
But what are you gonna do in Ecuador? We didn't
do anything. His boyfriend, who's everyone that moves.

Speaker 1 (52:58):
He's twenty four years old. He's going to be fine.
Can it be going to recuperate way before he knows it. Yes, okay,
well thanks for being here again today, Mattea, thank you
so much for having Metayo and I are going to
go eat some food now. I'm going to take him
to lunch as a reward for being on the podcast. Bye, guys,
we'll see you next by.

Speaker 2 (53:17):
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
and engineered by Brad Dickard executive producer Catherine Law and
be sure to check out our march at Chelseahandler dot
com