Taking Your Own Advice with Shelly Tygielski

This week, Chelsea is joined by mindfulness coach and meditation expert Shelly Tygielski to talk about being a conduit for compassion, getting clarity, and her new book, Sit Down to Rise Up: How Radical Self-Care Can Change The World. A corporate worker struggles with being underappreciated and underpaid at his job. A would-be grandma wonders if it’s strange that she’d rather her kids didn’t procreate. And an ex-girlfriend has concerns about sexual shame left over from a bad boyfriend. 

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Executive Producer Nick Stumpf

Produced by Catherine Law

Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert

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The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Oh, good afternoon people, Good morning, good evening. Buenos has
Buenos Chard's Buenos no Chase. Welcome to the Dear Chelsea Podcast.
We are in season two and Hi Catherine, how are
you doing. Hi? I'm great today. Oh yeah, you look
so chipper. I love it. Well. Thanks. I've had my

(00:20):
coffee or I've been drinking this mud water, which is
very tasty, and I'm not missing coffee. So what is
mud and water? It's adaptogen's. It's like some kind of
mushroom thing and it has like a little bit of caffeine,
like a tea amount of caffeine. But it tastes like
Chai tasting. Drinking chis Chis with oat milk. That's what
Joe gets me when he goes to Coffee Bean. That's

(00:42):
his favorite place. But what the funk is chis Chi tea?
I don't. I think it's a tea. And I think
you can get a latta version, like if you go
to a Starbucks or something or go to a coffee shop.
But yeah, I think it's a tea. Is it sugar?
It has a lot of ad sugar and a little
bit you could say easy sugar, but I think it'd
be too spicy without sugar. I have an iced chie

(01:02):
with oat milk. I like that and I guzzle it.
I love it. Oh my god, it's so delicious. And
then I was like, what am I drinking? I don't
even know what's in this. I like a hot a
soy chai latte because I think that as a little
extra natural sweetness from the soy milk. That's why I
like the problem with hot drinks with me. As soon
as I have a sip of anything hot, I start
to perspire underneath my arms and a couple of other places.

(01:27):
I have a very special friend today. Okay, So on
this podcast we talk about the Pandemic of Love a
lot that my friend Shelley to Gelski started founded and
executes on the regular. And I know that because I
have people hit me up on Instagram for money all
the time, and I finally have somewhere to send them

(01:50):
besides giving them my own money. There's actually a resource
for people. And what's even well, not more exciting, but
equally as exciting as Pandemic of of is that she
has a new book that comes out on October and
it's called Sit Down to Rise Up, which is a
book I've mentioned earlier, but I really can't say enough
amazing things about it, and I have to encourage all

(02:13):
of our listeners to go get a copy of this
book to make you a better member of your community,
to make you feel like a contributor and somebody who
is there not just for yourself, but for your neighbors
and for the people that are really in need. Because
there are times in our lives where we need help,
and there are times in our lives where we can
give help. So it is good for everybody to be

(02:34):
a community member and a team builder, if you will.
I don't know what that means, but I've heard it's
a corporate term and I like it anyway. Please welcome
Shelley Sigelski. Hi Shelly, Hi, Hi Shelly. And I became
friends at the Wisdom two point oh conference with Dan,
my psychiatrist. She knows Dan, I do, and I'm at
her backstage and she was wearing one of her ridiculously colorful,

(02:56):
bright outfits, and I just, in a sea of psycho iatris, neurophysicists, neuroscientists,
blah blah blah blah blah, spiritualist, I just looked at
her outfit and I'll never forget. I think you had
rainbow sneakers in a whole rainbow out. Yeah. And we
met backstage and she was normal, and I was like,

(03:18):
you know, I felt, well, you are. You're a normal
person for the most part, but not a regular person.
You're a normal person. And we went out that night
for drinks. I was with my sissy Samoe, and my
sister and my older sister because it was in San Francisco,
and we went out for drinks that night and we
just all hit it off. And now she's really good
friends with my sister Simone I am, and they spend

(03:39):
so much time to get Yeah, that's your sister too. Yeah.
My sister's like, I'll take Shelley, thank you, love her.
I know she's good. She's good. So let's talk about
the book first, because this is your first book. It
is my first book. It's nerve racking, is it. It's
frightening and it's exciting at the same time, for sure,
because you're putting so much of yourself out there and

(03:59):
you're really nervous about what the reception is going to be.
But the book is really about connecting the inner work
with the outer world. It's frustrating for me as somebody
who's in this industrial wellness complex that is constantly trying
to sell you things. You know, more, more beauty products,
more chai latte, is more of everything. And it's frustrating

(04:20):
for me because I see so many people who spend
so much time just working on themselves constantly, and I'm like,
in pursuit of what just so that you could be
better or because you actually want to show up differently
in the world. And so the whole premise of the
book is really to knock people off their asses a
little bit and encourage them to not just sit down
in meditation and do the inner work, but to rise

(04:41):
up and actually make it effective for everybody, the fact
that you're a better person because a better version of
the world starts with the best version of ourselves, right,
And you don't even necessarily need to meditate to rise up.
You don't need to sit down to rise up. But
it is a great tool to help you once you
can apply that to yourself. It's easier to apply it
to the old. But you know, one you can do one.

(05:02):
You can rise up and you don't have to meditate.
If anyone is here, like fuck, I can't do it.
I can't rise up because I can't meditate. Everyone can meditate, Chelsea.
You know that. I know that everyone can meditate. I
know that. Well, actually that's not true. Well everyone can,
but a lot of people get really really they lose
interests really quickly. That's true. But I think it's also

(05:24):
because we set these like lofty goals for ourselves and
we think like, oh, I need to sit down for
twenty minutes and burn incense and chant and have a mantra,
and that you can actually just meditate in increments of
like ninety seconds a day, and that's been proven to
be really effective, So you can incrementally just reset multiple
times throughout the day and still show up differently. Yeah.

(05:47):
I was on a tour bus recently with Joe Coy.
You know Joe. Obviously we've spent some time with him.
You saw him this morning at my house. When because
Shelley supped at my house last night and Joe also
slept at my house last night without not together, we
didn't sleep. Actually, well maybe we did. I just want
to clarify that. And I was on his tour bus
traveling and I didn't have any alone time, because when

(06:08):
I'm with Joe, I'm with Joe all the time, and
I didn't have any alone time to meditate, and I
did that. I just was like I was with seven
men on a bus, oh my god, driving through the
middle of the night to our hotel that we would
arrive at five in the morning, living a life that
I don't want to live. I mean that I didn't
want to live, but I will because I like to
be with him, and I would do that. I did

(06:31):
those like little bursts like ninety seconds just breathing, like
just sitting alone and taking three or four really deep
inhales and really slow egg shales and just calming yourself
and calming your brain. And that does really work too.
I feel like, because I like to be such a
good student because I never went to college. So I
feel like if I don't meditate twenty minutes every single

(06:53):
day that I'm and if I missed two days in raw,
I'm like, it's ober, I'm gonna get arrested, you know.
Like it's a nice little kind of thing to do.
And I know eckart tole I talks about that too,
that it's not about necessarily sitting and meditating for a
certain period of time. It's about taking those breaks throughout
the day. So that's always good advice. So the book
talks about how to kind of do all of that.

(07:13):
And in the book you talk about how you started
a meditation group in Florida where you lived with twelve
friends on the beach in Hollywood, Florida. I had twelve
girlfriends that we're all going through very different times of
their lives, like one just had cancer, another one was
going through divorce, another was an empty nester. Everybody was
going through some sort of like a cluster fuck moment
in their lives. And I was that annoying friend who

(07:35):
would always tell people like you should meditate. And finally
one of my friends called me out and she said, well,
then teach us how to meditate, Like stop telling us
what to do and actually just teach us. So I said, yeah, great,
let's all just meet on the beach on the Sunday morning,
And we did in November of and within six months
we had a thousand people show up to meditate together

(07:56):
just through word of mouth, which was incredible, and so
the community, which stopped meeting obviously due to COVID. The
last time I actually was on that beach, was on
March of eventually had fifteen thousand people that were part
of that group, which is really phenomenal in a testament
to how you can just you know, snowball things by
just continuously showing up. Oh that's amazing. Fifteen thousand people,

(08:19):
that's so crazy. And you came from corporate America. Yeah,
she was running a Fortune five hundred company. Was something
along those lines. I like to throw around corporate terms. Sure, yeah,
sure she was. But you were running a company, Yes,
I was. I was running a company with employees and
fourteen markets across the country, and I was as miserable
as it could be. Like I finally reached my goal.

(08:41):
I was like, yes, I finally made it. I wanted
to be a CEO, was very living a very gold
centered life. And I was thirty six years old and
I remember working late one night. Everybody was gone from
the office. Was me and like the person like cleaning
the floor, and I just looked around and I started
to cry. I just wept, and I was like, I'm
so miserable. Is this really as good as my life's

(09:03):
going to get? Now? Like I finally reached my goal? Right?
This my whole life had been finding for this, and
I realized that night like that something really big and
drastic had to happen. And when I got home that night,
after sitting in traffic because is always under construction, I'm
sure that will resonate with anyone on that I got
home and my son, who at the time was I

(09:24):
think like fourteen years old, looked at me and he said,
you know, mom, you know what the happiest day of
my life is going to be. And I said what?
And he said the day you quit your damn job.
And I was like, whoa, you should start taking your
own advice lady. You know, yeah, that's that. But that
woke you up? Right? Did it? Totally? Did it threw

(09:45):
me out of the nest? So out of the mouth
of babes? Isn't that what parents say? Out of the
mouths of babes? Yes, exactly, And then something else I
don't know the rest of the saying. And that's because
I'm barren. Okay, So today since I do have have
somebody who actually has a lot of experience. Oh and
I also went to a retreat, let's just quickly recap that.

(10:06):
So I was on Martha's Viniard. A few summers ago,
Kelly strong armed me into coming to a retreat in Barry, Pennsylvania,
Barry Massachusetts, Barry Massachuse, sorry, my bad, that's right, Barry, Massachusetts,
And like an idiot, I said, sure, sure. It was
a gun violence survival retreat. So basically a lot of
people from Parkland and a lot of people from Differentsburg, Chicago,

(10:28):
outside Chicago were there, and so I was like, really,
is this appropriate a for me to even be there?
But it was because you know, once you get there,
everyone was staying on what is that place called, It's
called the Forest Refuge. It's a Buddhist meditation center that's
part of I m S, which is Insite Meditation Society
that was founded by Sharon Salzburg and Jack Cornfeld, right, okay,

(10:51):
and those two are very big in the meditation mindfulness game.
And I stayed at a hotel because obviously that was
breakfast and Bradley called a hotel, right, right, I stayed
at what was available closest to the spot. After the
first couple of days, so there was like you know,
breakout sessions, you have kind of like group sessions. You
get put with a group and then lunch comes and

(11:11):
everyone prepares the lunch together. Yeah, they're different. You have
you have a Yogi job, and I obviously, you know,
can't prepare anything you cut carrot video, because I mean
I can cut a carrot. But once I got wind
of like that would be the male situation, I had
to start to think outside the box. And so one
day I was like, I was like, I can eat

(11:31):
soup and like vegetarian food, but at some point I'm
going to need something a little bit spicier or with
a little bit more, you know, action. So I finally
found a pizza place, and I remember going on like
day three, I went and I was like, I'm fucking
done with this food. I am going off on some pizza.
And I went to this pizza place and I ordered
garlic knots an entire pizza. And I sat down at

(11:53):
the table and as soon as I and I had
all the food spread out in front of me, and
I was like, I am going off. I've eat nothing
like cabbage and soup and what it was very bish. Yeah,
something I didn't know that I didn't need. And then
two other people from the retreat walked at the same time,
and I just looked like I looked like Harvey Weinstein

(12:16):
at a dinner table, like it was so disgusting what
I was preparing to just shove down my throat. And
as I looked up, I'm like, oh, no, I'm not.
And then I'm like, wait, they're fucking here too. It's
a small town. Oh my god. And then the last night,
I remember there was that cute black guy there that
I was like, how they came for him? I can't
remember it. It was the last night we all had

(12:36):
drinks and then we invited them over and they came over,
and I was like, oh God, if I hook up
at this retreat, it will all be worth it. I
mean it was worth it anyway obviously, but that would
have just been even better. But I'm glad I didn't
hook up with him anyway, because then I saw that
picture of him on the beach. Anyway, So we're going
to take some callers, and I see we actually, Catherine,
who do we have? First? We actually have Alex who

(12:58):
we talked to last season and you sent him to
see Shelley at Pandemic of Love. So he is going
to join us and tell us a little bit about
his experience. Hi Alex. Hi, Alex could just cry, I swear,
how wonderful. Oh my gosh, Shelley, it's so good to
see you. Oh my god, Hi, Chelsea, are so cute, stopping,

(13:21):
they are so cute to Oh my god, look how
happy you are. I remember last time we spoke, you
were so remember, oh my god, so Alex. For our listeners,
let me just recap. So the last time Alex called in,
you were really stressed out about your rent, about seeing
your father, who had just recently been diagnosed right with
some cancer. Yeah he was radiation yet, yes, and you

(13:43):
had no You were a hot mess because you were
dealing with so much stress, and it was in the
middle of COVID and you didn't think you could afford
your rent. You didn't you didn't know if you're gonna
get kicked out, and you you couldn't afford to go to
your father. And I said to get in touch with
pandemic of love, and within I don't know, seventy two hours,
you had a plane ticket back to see your dad.
I mean, talk about miracle working, Shelley. That is a miracle.

(14:07):
I mean, it's just a conduit, really right, It's just
so it's it is beautiful. It's it's I just in retrospect,
I feel like at the time, I was like flailing
and like I felt like I was drowning and there
was like nothing to grab onto because it was like,
my dad's sick, my job has been negatively impacted by
the pandemic, my housing situation is kind of messed up,

(14:28):
and it just felt like there was no kind of
safe ground. And yeah, it was wild how quickly Shelley
was just like, what do you need? I'm here for you.
It's really the last thing you think about when you're
in the midst of all that was asked somebody for help.
It was just the last thing that came to mind,
because I I think that what's fundamental about your organization, Shelley,

(14:51):
is that there's a realization that the last eighteen months
are bizarre and not normal, and what we're going through
is not horrible, and we can't have prepared for this
even if we wanted to so right, and we all
need each other. I think oftentimes we're so in this
state of freeze, right, fight flight or freeze, and so

(15:12):
a lot of us just freeze when we're like flailing
as you described it, and we we don't know what
to do, so we don't do anything. Yeah, you know,
and asking for help is like very intimidating. What's also
special about your kind of care is that I intentionally,
I don't know if you felt this at all, but
I like, after maybe the first week or so, kind

(15:34):
of took a step back from sending you updates because
you're so upfront with all of the people you're helping
who are in such enormous need, and it's really difficult
to feel worthy of help, you know, amongst all those people.
And I kind of took a step back and just thought,
you know, you helped me like cover when I read checks.
You helped me cover a wildly late electric and gas bill.

(15:55):
And then I was just like, you know what, I
don't think I need any more. And then about a
month later you d M to me and you're like,
so that trip to se your dad, I was like, what, Like,
how is I thought that like it was a wrap
on this, Like just you entered my heart. You you care,
you love like relentlessly, and I think that is such

(16:16):
like a special guest, especially like as somebody's a teacher
to to love still relentlessly for so many people, is like,
that is so true. I wake up and there's text
from her going, you are special, you are loved. You
need to hear this today, And I'm like, what, I mean,
where does that capacity come from? I would say it
comes from twenty years of meta practice, loving kinds practice,

(16:41):
but really just expanding your heart out. I think the
more we we love on people, the more that it
just bounces back and comes back to us, you know,
and it's contagious, like I've become I feel like a
better teacher. Are small interactions with each other, it's really
really special. I decried about I'm gonna cry, Alex, well

(17:02):
now everyone I know and are you crying a little bit?
Can you cry? Can you start crying too? So tell us?
How's your dad doing? By the way, yeah, how was
your trip? You know how those trips to see your
parents I think get more special as you enture your
like mid twenties. We smoked the blunt together and we
went and visit We went visited my mom's grave stone,

(17:22):
which we haven't probably haven't done such well. And I
hadn't been home in over two years. So just being home,
I think after being in the city and experiencing that
really intense drop of the pandemic was it was nice.
It's a really good breath of fresh air, so it
was amazing. His doctor apparently thinks that he will be
find the next two years at least. So definitely about

(17:45):
the fresh air because I was looking pretty bleak for
a minute. Oh that's great, that's great news. That's amazing.
Oh I'm so happy. I'm so happy too. And that's
the other thing is I told us to Shelley already,
but like I didn't realize how valuable that trip was
because I hadn't seen I got in two years and
I might only have two arms left with him. So
it's truly a priceless gift that you gave me, Shelley,

(18:05):
Thank you well. It came through Chelsea and it was
through her community. So let's remember that it takes a community.
That's the whole premise of this, right, It's not one person.
It's like we're all. If you are brave enough to
ask for help, which you were and you are, then
it allows for that floodgate of love to come in.
And I'm so happy that we were able to surround

(18:27):
you with that love. That's amazing. You're worth it. Yeah,
and it's great to hear that. You're also like reciprocating
that out to other people, you know, because when you
are loved, you love right, and when I feel it,
I want to give it. So it's always important to
remember to instead of withholding or retreating, to always move
towards someone and towards another person. Yeah, loneliness to sort

(18:50):
of selfish in a way. It's like in receiving love,
you're actually able to become a vessel for that. It's
almost like if you nor that care, it's kind of
a lost possibility. And how's your teaching going? By the way,
I love it. I love it. You have to come

(19:11):
to my show at the Beacon, so both of you
that you're both coming on you will both be there
that same week. Yeah, you'll get us both in the
same week. O fun. I love it, Alex. I love
these updates. That's so fucking awesome. I can't wait to
meet you and hug you in person. Me too, Thank
you so much, you too, thank you? Okay, bye? I

(19:33):
love you, love you, love you. Yeah, he deserves our love, right,
everyone does. Amazing, Joe says, I love you to everyone,
And I'm just going to start saying it too. Yes,
he should, because everybody loves you. Everybody tells you they
love you. Well, I know, I know. I sometimes I
don't say I love you too people because I find
it to be insincere. But you know what, it's just

(19:53):
good to say I love you, I think so too,
or even love you. You don't have to like make
it romantic. Okay, Katherine, So what else do we have today? Well,
today we're talking about bettering yourself and I feel like
we just did talking to Alex. We're talking about self love,
continuing education, healing from a bad relationship, all kinds of

(20:14):
ways people are betting themselves. Okay, let's do it. That
sounds like a great place to take a quick break,
and we'll be back with some collars. Sounds good. Okay,
we're back and Katherine's taking off her blazer. She's really
listening up. My pants are still off, and Shelley's wearing

(20:34):
a a jumpsuit. Actually, I have that exact jumpsuit and
I literally wore it just for you because you're the
jumpsuit queen, and I was like, what should I wear?
I'm gonna wear a jumpsuit. I just had to pack
for my tour, and I was like, I thought I
was going away for four days, and then I found
out I was going away for three weeks. It's like,
all fun, how many jumpsuits is that? You? Like? You
need TED? You need TED outfits. I'm like, I'm gonna

(20:57):
need another influx of jumpsuits. But anyway, never mind that
part of the conversation. It doesn't really make any sense
to anybody who can't visualize what I'm talking about. Okay,
So who's next? So our first question today comes from Alyssa.
She says, Dear Chelsea, my name is Alyssa, and I'm
calling in from Denver, Colorado, and I am seeking your

(21:19):
advice on how to cultivate the best relationship with yourself.
I just got out of a long term relationship that
ended during the pandemic. I thought it was going to
end in marriage, turns out it just ended. I'm really
actually feeling empowered by the decisions I've made that feel

(21:41):
true to myself, and at the same time, I feel
nervous about how to move forward. So I thought I
would call in and just ask for what advice you
might give to someone who is newly single and interested
in renewing that relationship with themselves. Oh that's always good. Nice, Yeah,

(22:01):
because when you go inward, that's when you start to
get good stuff going right. When you're ready to take
a look at yourself and create a deeper relationship with
yourself is when then you really start to glow. Yeah.
I think it was Walt Whitman who wrote Alone and
the Soul Emerges. So if you're willing to go in
and go deep, when you get quiet, things can get

(22:21):
really really loud, and that's pretty amazing. Yeah. It's also
good like that for decision making when you get really quiet.
That's something I've learned through meditation. When you can't decide
on something or you're having trouble making a decision, to
just go and sit alone in silence, and the answer
does come to you, comes to you in your gut
and you know like, oh that okay, this is what's

(22:43):
This is the real me, not your ego. That's yeah,
it's like your real me, your soul who you are,
telling you what to do right, And we usually do
exactly the opposite. We usually ask for advice from like
everybody who shouldn't even be giving us advice, Just like
clutter this base with like all this noise, that's my
signature dish or it was to go around and just

(23:04):
gets and then I'm looking just for somebody to agree
with me, you know, And once I get something agree
with me, I'm like, Okay, that's the right decision, right,
which you would have gotten to anyway had you gone
to your loan space. So Alyssa, I think you're totally
on the right track. First of all, you should commend
yourself for even having the the awareness, the self awareness
to know that you need to hit pause for a

(23:27):
moment to sort of recalibrate and get in touch with yourself,
because most people can just jump from one relationship to
the next, or you know, they try to fill that void,
if you will, that exists with something else, with a
vice or with another boyfriend, or with activities or business.
So congratulations on that you're on your way. I would
say that I'm a very big fan of two things. First, journaling.

(23:52):
I write in journals every day. I have for the
last I don't know, God, since I was like in
fifth grade or something and somebody bought me a diary,
like a pink diary with like a unicorn on it.
But I actually think that writing things down helps you
sort your thoughts out, and if you are intimidated by
blank page, there's so many different options for journals that

(24:15):
already have prompts that are listed that can really help
you get your juices flowing and help you think through
a lot of kind of like bigger questions that maybe
when you're so busy in a relationship, because you give
so much of yourself when you're in a dedicated relationship,
it can help you actually sort of bring the focus

(24:35):
and the center back to yourself and really ask questions like, well,
what do I want with my life? You know, what
do I want to do? What do how do I
want to show up? And and what do I really
want for my next relationship? And it can help you
just sort of exfoliate all of that through through writing
very gently. The other thing I would say is that
you know, you should really consider and think about how

(24:57):
you want to invest in yourself right now that you
have all this free time and you're not in a relationship.
What are some of the things that maybe you did
not allow yourself to do, you know, whether it's taking
a class or learning a language, or traveling or really
anything that you could possibly think of that you may
have given up on or not even embarked on because

(25:20):
you were in a relationship and a relationship is compromised.
We always have to do that, but some relationships are
worth doing that for because you can grow together with
the person. But I would say, just pick one thing,
pick one thing that you are willing to explore that
you've always wanted to explore, and gift yourself with that,
and you'll see how amazing things can unfold. And who knows,

(25:44):
maybe you'll meet your next partner when you're embarking on
that journey. Yeah, I think that's great advice. I like
what you said because I would ever suggest journaling because
I don't do it, and I just I won't do it.
But I like that because I think a lot of
people benefit from it and it's really help to put
your thoughts down on paper. My thoughts are always coming
out of my mouth, so it's like I don't have
to worry about it. Also, you know, meditation, which I

(26:07):
suggest to everyone, is a really good way to get
to know yourself because you start to understand how your
brain works and what and the distractions that your mind
kind of has a pattern with. So the thing that
we talked about a lot on this podcast is when
you're not feeling like you're doing it well or you're
doing it right. But that's what meditation is. It's getting
focus again. It's losing focus and then reclaiming the focus,

(26:30):
and it's setting yourself up to understand that your only
job is to sit there with your breath and focus
and as soon as your mind drifts, to take it
back to the focus. But understanding that your mind is
going to continuously drift. That is part of meditation and
it helps so much. I just read this other book
about meditation and it was I won't mention the name

(26:50):
because we're only talking about sit down to rise up
from for the rest of our lives, and which is
a book that everyone needs to buy. And the two
biggest benefits, they said, we're impulsivity and focus. So now
when I can have a crazy, crazy day with eight
five things scheduled, but I can be focused at every

(27:12):
single thing that I'm at. And that is a result
of meditation. Because before I had severe a d h
D or a d D I don't know, it was
never diagnosed. I don't need anybody to diagnose it because
I can diagnose myself and I know a college, yeah,
and I needed and a doctor that doesn't have a degree,
a degree less doctor. And my reactions, you know, reactions
to things. Now I can go, oh, look, look how

(27:34):
how fast your chest is beating because of something that
just happened. Now I noticed my body before my brain
does something with it. You know, I go, oh, oh,
that's you having a reaction to something, and you know what,
You're not going to do it this time. And my
focus is so much better than it was. So that's
also a great way to get to know yourself and
to get to know your thought patterns and to rehabituate

(27:57):
yourself with different thought patterns. And yeah, again, also the
fact that you're even asking the question means that you've
taken the first step into discovering yourself and getting to
know yourself better. And I love what you said about
maybe not having that had the time in a relationship
to explore certain things, but then being able to do that,
you know, taking the time now to go, you know,

(28:17):
do whatever it is that you find interesting. And meeting
somebody like that is a strong possibility because when you
say to the world or the universe or whatever you
think when your energy is like, hey, I'm getting healthy
as healthy as I can be, all you're going to
attract is other healthy people. That's right. Yeah, you're definitely
putting that energy out there. So it's a major domino effect.

(28:39):
It's just like you know, if you sit, if you
complain about something, then that becomes your narrative, and if
you are happy about something, then that becomes your narrative.
So it's like, what do you want to spend your
time doing? Being happy or complaining? What you focus on expands.
There you go, Katherine, there you go. Yeah, Catherine is
also a psychiatric unicorn. I do my best a degreeless doctor.

(29:00):
We're all degree with doctors here. Do you have a degree,
We don't want to talk to you. If you have
a degree, we are not interested in communicating. My degree
is in playwriting, so that's perfect. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, Well
then maybe you'd be interested in start journal and starting
to journal with Catherine if you haven't already, since you're
already good at writing. Okay, anyway, well that was good, right, Yeah.

(29:24):
I think Alissa, you've got some tools in your toolbox,
and just keep adding more tools in your toolbox. That's
the point. Yeah, and I'm glad that your relations You know,
every time a relationship ends, it is a beginning of
something new and begainning of a new phase of your relationship.
So when anything ends in my life now I have
that attitude like, Okay, that wasn't meant to be for
much longer, or that's over. But look how exciting the

(29:46):
next thing is. Because anytime something ends, something exciting begins.
That's just the way the world works. And you know,
you can speak from a personal space because you had
spent the last few years not in a relationship, right
several years, and you really did a lot of deep
dive like work on yourself, went to therapy, tried new things,

(30:07):
said yes to a lot of things, and you were
able to create new connections and really discover a better
version of yourself. Yeah, and you know what, a lot
of my relationships didn't survive my therapy. Not a lot,
but a couple of important relationships in my life didn't
survive therapy. And that was also a good thing for me.
It was a good thing to get rid of that

(30:28):
kind of unhealthy attachments or negativity. And even though it
felt it was like, oh, you get healthy and you
realize you want to be around healthy people, and you
want to have healthy relationships that have boundaries and that
are adult like instead of, you know, living out your
childhood as an adult. Amen, Sister Hustle Ama lic Um Well.

(30:49):
Our next question comes from Clayton. He is in Chicago.
He says, Dear Chelsea. Back in twenty nineteen, I started
at a company where I knew the CEO, and taking
this position allowed me to go back to school in
the evenings. The CEO has been super supportive. I told
her I would need to go down to four days
a week at work, working longer hours during those four days.

(31:10):
She agreed, and all is good. Several people left the
company in the past two years, and many of those
responsibilities got added to my role, the most recent being
an extremely time consuming data entry position that layers on
top of my current full time responsibilities. When discussing my
concerns about workload with HR, I asked if there would
be a monetary supplement for taking on these additional responsibilities.

(31:33):
The HR person promptly replied no, there will not, and
went on to say that they didn't think I was
contributing enough to the company to justify my current salary.
I was taken aback as I take pride in my
work ethic and the quality of work I put out.
I'm typically a happy person, but I can't get the
negative thoughts of work out of my mind. How do

(31:54):
I flush this negativity out of my system and get
back to the self. I enjoy being Clayton and he's
with us. Hi, Clayton, Hey, how are you? We're good?
How are you? I'm doing great? Well, that's really frustrating,
I can see. I can imagine how frustrating that must
be to take on extra work and then be told
you're not doing enough, which is complete and utter horseship. Yeah,

(32:15):
I have. I have some probing questions though, to just
learn a little bit more. So you're still in school? Yes, yes,
I have two years last got you? So you're you're
still working four days a week and I'll put that
in quotations because I'm sure it's not actually four days
a week. It's just for Monday through Thursday, let's say.
But you're working weekends probably and over time. Are you

(32:38):
still friends with the CEO of the company? I am, yeah,
we have a really nice report. Okay, And have you
had this conversation with the CEO, or do you feel
like it's something that you don't want to go to
or risk the report of the relationship with the CEO. Yeah,
I haven't gone to her yet. May mean because when

(33:00):
I was talking to the HR person she prefaced it
as we think instead of I think. So the confusing
thing for me is, really, if this was an issue,
I'm surprised that she didn't say anything to me. Right.
In other words, if you weren't contributing enough before, your

(33:22):
supervisor should have at least mentioned that to you and said, Clayton,
we don't think you're doing enough, rather than just saddling
you with additional workload and then saying, well, you're not
doing enough. So here we're saddling you with more work
for no additional pay. So I get. I get how
you're feeling, and you know, it's a tricky situation because
I understand that you probably don't want to jeopardize your

(33:45):
relationship with the CEO, that you have a nice rapport.
But I also think that you do need some clarity,
and I think that you deserve some clarity. You know,
if I was in your position, and I had spent
twenty years in the corporate world, so I can speak
from from a place of personal experience. In situations where

(34:07):
I had a rapport with the CEO or reported directly
to that individual, I would carefully and I'll say carefully
because I don't think you should come at it like, oh,
I'm your friends, so let's have a friendly discussion, but
in a careful and respectful way. I would maybe try
to be a little bit vulnerable, and I would word

(34:29):
something very carefully, like really kind of rehearse it ahead
of time. Right. There's there's a really great book called
Difficult Conversations that you should get. It's great because it
actually creates this model for you that is like pretend
your person a and pretend your person being. You can
actually have somebody else train with you. You could already

(34:49):
prepare what you want to say. You can go through
the process before you actually show up to have the
conversation with the CEO, so that you don't feel nervous
or stick to your stomach or however you physiale logically
feel before you have to do something that is really
nerve racking, and you can be prepared when you go
in to just have a really respectful conversation and at

(35:10):
the at the worst case scenario, Right, the worst case
scenario is that you don't get a raise, but you
get clarity, right, And you can preface everything by saying
I love working here, and I appreciate the support that
you all have given me, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, all the
things that you want to say. But I would say
that you should just prepare yourself for a conversation, ask

(35:32):
for a private meeting with the CEO, and very respectfully
just air your grievances to just get clarity. Maybe you
won't walk out with more money, but you sure as
hell at least we'll walk out with some clarity around
the fact that you are appreciated at the company and
that you are doing enough, and that you are enough
so that you don't have to feel resentful and find

(35:54):
that that's doing over time. Yeah, and just because the
HR person said as we, I mean, that's what they say.
They say we for a reason, right, How what is
your relationship like with the CEO? Like, what kind of
report do you have? I used to work for her husband.
They both have startup companies, and I jumped over to
hers so I could go back to school. And what

(36:16):
is the size of the company. It's a small company.
There's like less than forty people, So then it does
sound totally appropriate to talk to her. I agree, I
think so. I think if you hold it back, you're
just going to be brewing and stewing with Yeah. Yeah,
I can see it in your face. So for if
not for any other reason than to alleviate the bad
feeling that you have about the information that she gave you,

(36:38):
which is insensitive and ikey all around. Yeah, agree, Yeah,
but don't let her, you know, dictate your mood. You
talking to the CEO is taking it into your own hands,
since you have your own personal relationship with her, and
that's saying, Okay, this is not okay with me, and
I need a better answer for this, and I need to,
you know, have a better piece of mind about it,

(36:59):
which is also taking charge of the situation, which is
exactly what you should be doing to have a better
piece of mind exactly. Let us know how that conversation goes, Clayton,
and have it sooner than later. Are you prepared to
do that? Definitely? Yeah? Great, Well that's great, Thank you
so much. Yeah, I hope everything works out, But keep
us posted. I want to hear back. Thanks Clayton, good luck, Okay, bye,

(37:23):
that was good. I'm glad you were here for that
corporate ship because I wouldn't know what My sister Simone,
who Shelley spreads with, she fucking works in corporate America. Yes,
she died biotech firm and San Francisco, And when she
talks about work, I want to stab myself in the throat.
It's so fucking boring. It is so boring, and she
has to manage people, and then she's got a supervisor

(37:45):
and all of that. I'm not moving part. What the fuck?
And She's like, Chelsea, it's not like I want to
be doing all of this. Everybody has to do this.
It's a part of my responsibility. It's not like I'm
doing it for fun, Like I have this role in
a company. I'm like why why? But yeah, Corporate America

(38:06):
makes my stomach. It's just like everybody. I have no
respect for authority figures either, you know, me telling me
what to do. The other day, I was driving, I
was in Spain. We were driving down the street to
my house and the police. You're not allowed to drive
on the street unless you have a house on the street.
And because it's kind of like an esplanade, and the
Spanish police were like, hey, hey, no cars, no cars.

(38:27):
I'm like, I lived down there, and they're like, no,
it doesn't matter. Where's your and my friends in the car,
And I go, yeah, it doesn't matter. I live right there.
I can drive right here. You're not telling me what
to do. And I just kept driving and my friend goes,
you have the pass right here, like on your dashboard,
just stop it and I'll show it to them. And
I was like, funk those guys. So I have no

(38:48):
regard for any authority figure telling me what to do.
I just don't like it, especially when it's a man.
Didn't you have, like ever have like a real job
before you? Like, well, I dried into comedy, like oh no, no,
I mean I tried to be attempt I would get fired.
I could not transfer a phone call. I waited tables.
That was all I could do. But I got fired
from that too, because I would tell people off all

(39:08):
the time. I would just go off on people i
didn't look me in the eyes. I'd like, you don't
even deserve to eat here if you can't look at
your server in the eyes. I would go off on
people because people are so fucking rude when they eat
at restaurants. You know they have no no table manners
and no bedside manner. But no, I can't. My sister
Smone said to me once she goes when I was upset,

(39:29):
you know, in my twenties, when things weren't going the
way I wanted to or as quickly as I wanted to,
remember her going, you will succeed at this because you
cannot do anything else. I can hear her say. She's like,
you don't worry. You're never gonna have a real job
because you wouldn't be able to keep it. So anyway,
those were the words of encouragement from my big sister.

(39:51):
What's next, Catherine. Okay, So our next caller, Amber says,
Dear Chelsea, I just got out of a three year
real relationship. In most aspects, I've never been more confident
in my life. I just got a great new job,
I've been in therapy for a year, and I'm finally
financially secure. But inside I feel deep sexual shame. For

(40:12):
the last nine months of this relationship, there was no sex,
no physical connection, nothing more than what felt like friendship
over time. When I would make a move, my boyfriend
would make me feel like I was being inappropriate or pushy.
It's now been a year since I've had sex, and
not only am I incredibly frustrated, but I've become very
insecure about the length of time, and that makes me

(40:33):
even more frustrated. Now I'm so fragile with being rejected
sexually that I can't even imagine being able to cuttle
up next to someone again. I went back onto a
dating app to see if I felt a connection, and
I did, but when they wanted to meet and probably
have sex, I freaked out and deleted my profile. Clearly
I'm not ready, But how do I manage to get
back in the dating pool after this negative experience? Amber? Oh?

(40:57):
Hi amber II. Yeah, it's great to meet you. Oh,
thank you. It's great to meet you too. This is Shelly. Hi, Hi, Shelly.
Nice to meet you. She's our special guest today. She's
a very good friend of mine who gives very sagacious advice.
So you're in for a real treat. First of all,
I just want to say to you that I have
gone multiple times for years without sex. I don't know

(41:20):
what the longest was, but definitely more than a year,
So that is not uncommon. So there's no reason to
beat yourself up about that. You know that happens all
the time to people, And there's no reason just to
have sex just so you cannot go a year without it.
That's lamer than going a year. And yeah, it sounds
like your last boyfriend just kind of did a number
on you that you're still recovering from. Right, Absolutely definitely

(41:45):
feels like I'm just still recovering from that, I think,
So yeah, I definitely just I'm not ready to go
there yet, but I know when I am ready, I
still feel that a little bit scared, a little nervous,
and I just hate the idea of being ridge I
did again, so right, Right, But you're not alone in that.
You know, so many people experience that, that fear of

(42:06):
rejection and that fear of being intimate again, the fear
of like I mean, I used to be so uncomfortable
going on dates with people that I would have to
have like two cocktails before I could even show up
because I'm like, what do I do? How do I act?
What do I say? You know, I put a giving
off this energy that I was just like so guarded
and so like get away from me, you know, and
knowing that you're not ready a is incredible because that's

(42:27):
knowing yourself and fear of rejection is a very common
feeling and that's something that you can easily work through
and it takes a little bit of time, but you know,
you can get there. And you're totally hot, You're totally young.
I mean, you got all this stuff going for you.
You're gonna find somebody, you know. Not a lot of
people spend their lives being single forever. Being single is

(42:47):
a period of time that you have to really really
take advantage of. You know, I have been single for
years and I'm recently in a new relationship and I'm
so glad that I spent that much time alone because
now he'll he'll never leave me alone, Like I will
not be alone again. So I put all the time
and effort into myself for this purpose, and you know,

(43:10):
that's the way it works. Shelly, what do you Let's
talk to her a little bit. What do you well?
I I actually I have a question regarding like intimacy.
Do you have other types of intimate relationships in your life?
Meaning do you have friends or family members that you're
really like loving on that you can like hug and
be intimate with in a physical way that isn't inappropriate

(43:31):
of course, Right. I'm really close with my family, I
have a really great group of friends. I have a
dog that I rescued ago, Right, So I do feel
like I have so many other great things going in
my life, and it just felt like this one piece
kept overshadowing everything else amazing that is happening in life

(43:52):
right now, and getting my dream job and finally being
financially secure and figuring out my mental health, and so
I just kept feeling like, why do I go back
to this specific piece? Right, So, I do feel so
grateful that I do have that really great connection with
friends and family, and and yeah, I think we live
in this like culture now that and I've been married

(44:14):
now for fifteen years, so I don't necessarily fully understand
this culture of you know, dating apps, because it just
there were no apps when when I got married. But
I think that there's so much pressure to sort of
create that one on one connection really quickly and for
it to like work out or for it to become
intimate really quickly as well. And I kind of feel

(44:36):
like my best advice would be especially because you have
a great group. It sounds like you've a great network
and a community of friends and family and people who
love and care about you. And especially now that we're
in a phase where you can at least go outside
and like, you know, not have to be stuck in
a house for eighteen months. You can actually go to
the old fashioned way of trying to meet somebody in

(44:59):
a natural set sting, right, And that maybe takes the
pressure off because things can happen and naturally unfold slowly
and carefully, as opposed to it going from zero to
sixte and like a matter of a minute, right. And
I agree with Chelsea. I think that, you know, we
put a lot of pressure on ourselves and we're like, oh,
I need to just have an intimate relationship or go

(45:22):
have sex because I haven't had sex in a year.
And really it's not about that. I think it sounds like,
especially from what you're saying, like it's really more about
intimacy and not just having that like one night stand,
you know, and just like Okay, I did it, I
got over it, because I actually think that that could
also cause a lot of issues. You know, you can
then start self analyzing yourself if it didn't go the

(45:45):
way you wanted it to go. So I would just
say focus on your friends, focus on the intimate relationships
you do have, and put yourself out there in in
new ways that you haven't done before, right Like, say, yes,
go out to the events and to the things that
are of course being safe in the world that we
live in today, but go out and just try new

(46:07):
things and and do new things with all the people
that you love. And when you radiate in that environment
of the people that you feel safe and comfortable with,
you'll start to attract other people into that space as well.
That's great advice. Yeah, yeah, And you have to think
of abundance, right, Like what you said is all abundance.
You have a rescue dog, you have a close relationship

(46:29):
with your family, you have friends. Those are all wonderful
things that you have an abundance. And if you focus
on that, that attracts more and more abundance instead of
focusing on what you don't have in this moment. You know,
you want to focus on when you do have the
opportunity to be with somebody that you've done the work,
the inner work, and that you've done the self esteem work,
and that your ex boyfriend doesn't define you. He doesn't

(46:52):
define how you think about yourself. You decide what you are,
who you are, and how you're going to be in
this world. And you're lovely and anyone would be lucky
to be with you. So like, no, I'm not worried
for a second about you. I think we always just
get into situations where we think we're single and we're
like we panic. It's like, no, that's a cause for
celebration too. Single dumb is celebratory. And you experienced great

(47:16):
relationships with your friends and your family, especially when there's
no love distraction, you know, because when love comes in
then it is a big, big distraction. Falling in love
is a huge distraction. So put in the time and
effort now so that your family and friends don't get
mad at you when you do fall in love. That's

(47:37):
great and it actually also you inspired me. I really
loved skiing, and now I can work remotely, so I'm
thinking about going to Breckon Ridge for all of February
and working. And I mean I was like, you know,
this also frees me from having to, you know, hang
around San Diego, and so I can move around and

(47:58):
do things, and actually you and iron me, I thought,
oh I could do that. Now I'm so I'm trying
to kind of get in that mode of thinking of
those things. Hearing it from you two is really helpful.
So I really see a Ski love relationship in the future.
I love Breckon Ridge. That's a great place. I love seen.

(48:19):
I love Margarita's. Yeah, Reckon Ridge is great. That's where
I learned. Well, that's already a great decision you made.
So good for you and have asked and keep us posted. Okay,
if there's any great developments or you have anything to share,
always call back. I will thank you so much. It
was so great to meet you. Thank you, Thank you

(48:39):
so much. Bye. I love energy like that. Oh, go ahead,
do you want to cough on me? I went down
the wrong pipe? Yeah? How does that happen with water?
I don't know, And I always I always thought I
only had one pipe. Do we have more than one pipe? Listen?
I didn't know that there were three holes down there
for a lot of time either. I was like wait

(49:01):
what my friend my sister had to explain. She's like, Chelsea, honestly,
between you not knowing the difference between the moon and
the sun, and you don't know the three holes that
are down there. I'm like, wait, I thought I thought
your period and your vagina we're the same. Fuck. I'm
a mess. I'm like, where is that hole? She's like what?

(49:21):
I'm like, I thought that when you put a tampa
forget it. Let's not even get into it. But I
can't be the only one. Lord, I don't know what
I was doing during class when I was growing up
not there. I was not paying attention, and that's for sure.
But I didn't start smoking weed until I was like
an adult, So I guess I probably found some other
I probably was on pop Rocks, Pop Rocks and Colah. Yeah, Amber,

(49:43):
I wish we could look at being single the same
way we look at when you meet someone. Yeah, you know,
because the beginning of being single and then like that
whole you know, for lack of a better term, journey
of being single is where you grow up. That's where
you grow and you become your best self. And I
wish but looked at that and in that way like
I just met someone, it's called me, and we're going

(50:05):
to be together. I decided, I've just found out recently
that I like my own company right, and that was
something that helped me so much, was spending time alone
for the first time in my life without having so
much noise and groups of large, large groups of people
around me. That was something when I got to know
myself a lot better, or by just remaining alone even

(50:25):
when I was bored, I would be like, you can't
be bored, Like, go read a book, go watch a show,
go take a walk, Like you can't do that anymore.
You're not bored. And it's good too. Yeah, it's good
to get down with yourself. Yeah, loneliness that turns into solitude.
It's so great, well, I think Emmer. Also, as women,
we tend to blame ourselves when someone else has a

(50:47):
reaction in that type of way. We just talked to her.
She's gorgeous, we saw her on the video. She's got
a cool job. She's clearly articulate. Like him, not wanting
to have sex had nothing to do with her exactly there.
As women, you're so right, Catherine, Like every time, I
can't tell you how many guys have not been able
to perform sexually in the bedroom with me. When Push
came to shop, when I was on a date, or

(51:08):
I've gone out in a couple of days with somebody,
or I've brought someone back to my house where they
could not have a sex. Whatever is it is about
me was so emasculating and such a turn off that
they could not get a direction that I would literally
say to my friends, this is my vagina smell like
is something? Can somebody smell my vagina? Because I think
something's wrong with my vagina. It's like, no, it has
nothing to do with you. I mean, it probably has

(51:30):
a little to do with you, but more of your person,
you know, like, but it's not. It's like everyone's going
through their own ship. And when a man doesn't want
to have sex with his girlfriend, that's because something's going
on with him. That's right, Yeah, totally, he needs to
do the deep dive. He should call it next time.
Or maybe he was cheating, you know, who knows, Maybe
he had something going on on the side, and maybe
he doesn't like women. Maybe he's gay. Yea. Our next

(51:51):
email comes from Charlotte. She says, dear Chelsea, so I
have two sons that I love with all my heart.
Their thirty five and twenty eight, and I've raised both
by myself, since their douchebag father basically wanted nothing to
do with them after I packed our ship up and
left him. I've told my son's to never bring me
a grandchild. I tell them, if you want to bring
me something to cuddle up with, bring me another rescue pup.

(52:14):
I really don't want grandchildren. Is there something wrong with
me because I don't want any? Charlotte, No, that sounds
pretty accurate. I mean, Charlotte, I'm with you. I mean, well,
from my perspective, I don't know about that. Well, what
do you think she doesn't want grandchildren for? Well, I
think because she doesn't want the responsibility. She's like, man,
I've been I was saddled with these two kids, you know,

(52:36):
when I was a single mom for a few years,
and it was really tough. And yeah, you have no
time for yourself, you have no money, you're broke, you're tired,
you're angry all the time. You certainly don't have time
to date. Suddenly she's raised these two grown men who
she loves dearly. But she's looking back at that period
of her life obviously with some form of trauma. Right,

(52:58):
So there's some unresolved trauma that's there, that's now sort
of creating this filter, this lens that she's looking at
children through. And so it's like all children, all children.
And so if my kids get married and they decide
to have children, then I'm going to be saddled somehow
with those children. And at the end of the day,

(53:20):
a we both know it's not her decision whether or
not they are going to have children or not, right,
I feel like it should be she raises two sons
by herself. I feel like she should have a saying
whether or not they procreate. Well, I think more people
need to have less children. Quite frankly, you know, that's
a whole different discussion for another day. I I could
agree with that, I could get on that bus for sure,

(53:41):
but I would say that it's not her choice. And
but what is her choice is, you know, the boundaries
that she's able to set once they do have children,
and what type of grandmother she wants to be. I
know grandma's that are like my mother, very like hands
on and actually suffer vacating sometimes often most of the time. Actually,

(54:03):
if I'm just trying to soften that a little bit,
but she's not going to listen to this podcast. You
never know, she'll hear about it from somebody. I promise you,
I love you, mom, I really do. But you could
be that type of grandma, or you could be the
type of grandma that's out and about, like a Vanderbilt
or something that's like just traveling the world and popping
in once in a while with like a few trinkets
and then darling, would you like to go have a

(54:25):
martini together? And then like you leave again? You know, right, right,
I don't want to be a grandmother. I just know
children lead to more children, lead to more children, and
I don't want anybody to ever refer to me as Bunny,
which is a new nickname that grandmothers are using, Imny
Bunny why exactly because Mimi's out And then there's the
other one, nana, mem all the words that people want

(54:46):
to create so that they don't have to be called grandma.
What's wrong with grandma? I know some people because they
think it's to make some old if they're a grandmother,
so they want a different name, you know, But like, look,
you're such a great aunt. You've really taken all of
those children that you didn't want to have under your wing,
right And you are involved, but you have boundaries. So
when it's time for you to focus on your ship,

(55:08):
you just extracate heres out. I go move. I just
leave them in my house and then I go move
into another house. I've done that a couple of times.
You guys will stay here, I'm leaving. That's a separate
conversation too. You know what, You're a great at giving advice.
I mean, I have nothing else to add. Shelley's the
fucking one in charge today. She's much more insightful because

(55:32):
I just end up. You know, you have a wider
breadth of experience with different types of personalities and different
life experiences, so it's very helpful to hear your insight
on all of them. I'm a degreeless doctor. Yes, aren't
we all. Well, let's take a quick break and we'll
come back and finish up. Okay, that sounds. I love
when Katherine's like captain of this ship. She's like, we're

(55:54):
gonna get you a captain's hat, Katherine. Yes, she's like
Perry Gilpin's character and Frasier. Oh yeah, what was her name? Ra? Yes? Yes,
she was my favorite on that show. Less. Okay, and

(56:16):
we're back. We're back, and this is your last reminder
to pick up a copy. Order your copy please of
Shelley to gel Ski's new book, which is called Sit
Down to Rise Up. I wrote the foreword for it. Yes,
you did so suck on that. It was great, so authentic.
I loved it. Thank you for doing that. Oh my god,
my pleasure. I thought's the least I can do. Do

(56:38):
you know how many thousands of dollars you've saved me?
With all the people that come to me asking for
their rent money, hundreds of thousands of I'm keeping tab.
I used to do it. I used to give people
money and then I mean, I can't believe that, but
it always backfires. Like I one woman needed teeth, so
I gave her like twenty grand to get teeth. Then
she needed another set of teeth because the teeth she got,
she said, weren't good enough. I was like, what kind

(57:00):
of vicious cycle is this? How many sets of teeth
do I need to get you? I had made a
joke about people who have no teeth on my on
my TV show, so I felt obligated. Oh my god,
but you you know, people still tell me that you're
one of the only people that still responds to them
on d M because they're like I wrote a hundred
different celebrities and the only response I got was from Chelsea. Well,

(57:23):
you know what, I feel like people really need to
be heard and seeing. I really feel that way. I
like to notice people and I like them to feel
like they're heard. I mean at least once, know what
I mean? Yeah, I know. Okay, anyway, okay, So what
else do we have? Katherine? So we have one quick
question and this is really right in the wheelhouse for

(57:46):
both of you. Dear Chelsea, you briefly mentioned using cannabis
while meditating. What do you recommend and how much cannabis
is too much for meditation? Gavin, I would say keep
it very light, because you know, sometimes with cannabis you
lose your train of thought, which is actually great for meditation,
your train of thought, but but your mind can wander

(58:07):
more easily sometimes when you're stoned. So I like to
keep it light. Just two and a half milligrams or
five milligrams, max, I would say, for just to get
you into a relaxed state so that you can sit
still and you don't want to overdo it, so that
you're you know, you're a blotto. You want to be
present for your meditation, that's right. Yeah, I would say
micro dosing for sure to help you get into that state,

(58:30):
because otherwise I tend to either fall asleep or think
about food. Yeah. Right, The food is a problem. It's
a big problem. Yeah. I mean we were in New
York the other night and I gave Joe an edible
because if I don't, I have to start drugging him
in around eleven, because if I don't, he will stay
up until three in the morning. And I'm just like, no,

(58:50):
we're not doing that. We're not doing that. So I
always give him a litt chocolate when it gets off stage.
I'm like, here, honey, take this, because he's so apt
right from the four Man, which I know that feeling.
And then we got to pack to the hotel, and
I mean when I say he ate everything in the
mini bar, I first of all, I was getting it
for him because he was in bed, sitting in bed,

(59:11):
and I he had eaten a thing of pretzels. Then
he opened up the pringles seas like you have to
taste the sprinkles. I'm like, no, I have more experience
with cannabis. I'm not going down that fucking booby trap,
like I'm not going. I'm not putting a pringle in
my mouth right now. And then I go, do you
want to? So I went and got, you know, a
healthy snack like the cranberry and nuts thing or whatever,
and I brought that back. He polished that off, and
he's like, is there another one of those? And I said,

(59:31):
there is, Joe, but like, at a certain point, don't
you need to stop fucking eating the point where he
falls aslade And he was laughing so hard at me
for yelling at him, like I was like, you really
stop it. He has really bad eating habits, although he
doesn't eat meat, so that's good. Oh that's great. I
love him even more now. But he will eat an

(59:52):
entire bag of cheddar cheese, cheddar cheese, sour cream potato chips,
which makes me want to so my vagina closed. But
we digress anyway, back to the question. Yeah, see, that's
what happens in meditation. By the way, your mind just starts.
We we went from like talking about meditation to talking
about food to talking about your clothes vagina. So that's yeah,

(01:00:16):
that's the story of our life. Before we go I
want to also let everybody know that I announced new
tour dates and announced my Canadian dates. So you guys
have who have been asking when I'm performing in Canada,
They're up. I'm coming to Winnipeg, Ontario, Vancouver, of course, Toronto, Calgary,
I don't know, just look it up Chelsea Handler dot com.

(01:00:36):
And I have many more dates in the States coming
up to in November. I'm coming to Rochester, Buffalo, and Syracuse. Oh.
Actually first, I'm coming this weekend St. Petersburg, Miami Beach, Orlando,
and Jacksonville October, and then I'm coming to New York

(01:00:56):
and then Denver. Anyway, go to Chelsea Handler dot com,
go to live nation dot com, get your tickets, come
see me on tour. Vaccinated in Horny. I'm fucking loving it.
And I want to thank you Shelley for being here today.
I want to thank Katherine, our producer, for being here
every day. And I want to thank all of our
callers and all of our listeners for making this such
a great podcast. For all of the people that call

(01:01:18):
and for me and for all of us. We really
enjoy doing it and it feels like we're doing something good,
you know, not just stupid. You aren't doing something good.
You're doing great, You're doing something really good. You're creating
a ripple. Well, I'm just trying to meet people who
can do things so that I don't have to you know,
people like you. I need more people like you in
my life. So I could go, oh, yre, go to them,

(01:01:38):
go to them. Outsource outsource. That's a mark of a
true leader. Outsource thing. Oh is it okay? That's that's
a term used in corporate America often. Oh good, Well,
there we go, there we go, and uh yeah, And
congratulations on your new book. Shall this is a huge victory.
It is? It is. It's a huge accomplishment. And that

(01:01:58):
actually ties into my question, shition, I have a question
for you. I need advice. Yes, this is our new thing.
I give advice at the very end. What is it? So?
I have the book coming out, and as you know,
there's a lot of weight that's put on the launch
of the book and wanting for it to succeed. And
your publishers have expectations, and your agent has expectations and

(01:02:22):
just everybody and then you start feeding into that, right,
So I've like fed into that and wanting to promote
it and wanting it to be successful. But I guess,
you know, because I read about this as well in
the book. Like one of my biggest afflictions is that
I suffer from like imposter syndrome and like self worth,
you know, which is like intergenerational in a way. How
do you or how have you disconnected your own self

(01:02:46):
worth from a success or failure of something that you've
done before? Like how do you not let that actually
come back if something doesn't go exactly the way you
wanted to go? You know? Like the book, I hope
it does well, but let's say it doesn't land the
way it's supposed to land, right, how do you not
let it define your own self worth? I mean, I

(01:03:07):
think that's a really you know, I think that's a
very common thing for anybody who's putting themselves out there
in any way, because you have expectations, right, And that's
the first problem, is that you have expectations because you're expecting.
I mean, I go through this with my books, you know,
like if it's not number one, if it's number two,
does that mean I've fallen? And says, I mean, I'm
not as good as I was when I wrote the
last book. And all of that ship. But you know,

(01:03:29):
it goes back to everything that we know about ourselves,
and it's it's our esteem that matters. It's what we're
putting out there. That's a huge victory, that's an accomplishment.
It's not about how many people by the book. It's
about how many people are touched by the book. You know,
how many people's lives are you going to change from
them having read it? And that you're going to learn
about right away because people are going to reach out

(01:03:51):
to you on Instagram and d M you and then
you're gonna be checking your d m s because you're
gonna because I know you, and you're gonna want to
help people, and they're gonna tell you what a difference
that book may And when you look at it from
that viewpoint instead of a number's viewpoint, you want to
just look at it at the impact that you're having,
because that's the ripple effect. It's just like starting your
meditation on the beach with fifteen people. You know, sometimes

(01:04:11):
books take time to catch fire or to catch on,
and sometimes it happens instantly. But I would never ever
have the expectation that it's going to be the biggest
and the best right out of the gate. You have
to know that it's going to take time and word
of mouth, and that people are going to start spreading
the information about the book and take into account what
you just accomplished. You're publishing a book. You're publishing a book. Author.

(01:04:36):
That's a fucking Badassah, that's badass. And we're all a
little bit more of a badass after today's episode, right,
everybody's a little bit more of a badass. Okay, I
like that. Okay, thank you, Shelley. I love you. I
love you too, and I'll see you and when we

(01:04:57):
get in my car and drive back to my house,
I can't wait. Bye Catherine, Bye, goodbye.