You’re Not For Everybody with Yvonne Orji

Yvonne Orji joins Chelsea to talk about hearing God’s voice, why she’s still a virgin, and the big risks that paid off when she trusted a higher plan.  Then: A comedian feels defeated before she ever gets her start.  A 30-year-old virgin is terrified to date.  And a pageant king struggles to choose his deepest truth over his family.

 

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Find Yvonne’s book Bamboozled by Jesus here.

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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail]

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Executive Producer Catherine Law

Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert

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The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea. I am in Estoya and Majorca.
I've just spent five days alone. Five days alone, and Carla,
my assistant, is here as well. But my first guests
didn't arrive until the second so I had five days
of no drinking, utter seclusion, exercising, eating healthy. The thing

(00:26):
about being on vacation isn't possible to get on any
sort of program, so I got my shit together. I
didn't do anything. I did Glennon Doyle's podcast, Glennon and
Abbey's podcast. I recorded that, so look for that. That's
coming out shortly. We were trying to figure out a
time this summer and I'm like, you know what, I'm
alone for five days. I think that's the best time
for me to do a podcast. Since I'm all podcasted out.

(00:46):
I'm like, I have my own fucking podcast to deal with.
But yeah, so I have a full house of comedians,
So yeah, you can follow me on Instagram for all
the sorts of shenanigans. And then at the end of
this month, I go back on tour. I start my
little big which I'm really excited about. I've gotten so
much rest and relaxation and aggravation and I need a

(01:06):
vacation for my vacation, But what else is fucking new?

Speaker 2 (01:09):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (01:09):
Now do you restore your energy alone or with other people?

Speaker 1 (01:14):
I restore my energy mostly by myself. But I go
to bed listen. When I was in London, I stayed
in London for a month, in like the month of July.
I think I was pretty much in London. I had
a blast. I went to bed probably between two and
five am every single night. All I did was go
out and party. And it was so nice because I
was in a hotel and I could just I had
so many friends in London that I could just join

(01:35):
other people's action, you know, like whatever my friends were
up to, I'd be like, Okay, I'm going with them.
I'm going with them. I'm doing this.

Speaker 4 (01:41):
You can float.

Speaker 1 (01:42):
So that was perfect because I wasn't in charge of
the entertainment, you know what I mean. In my Orca,
it's my house. I'm in charge of the entertainment. But
I have a new policy I'm putting in place, like
everybody has a free day throughout the week. Go do
whatever you want to do. There's no organized plans. We
all will have dinner together, obviously, but breakfast and dinner

(02:02):
and then anything in between. Get your own fucking party started.
You can hang out, you can leave, but don't rely
on me.

Speaker 4 (02:09):
Yeah no, that's smart.

Speaker 1 (02:11):
Yeah, so that's that plan. And then yeah, so that's
what I'm in. I'm in. I have three different weeks
of guests coming, so we'll see, we'll see what happens.
I'm working hard on my book. I got a lot
of writing done. I have this great title for my
new book, which I can't wait to share with people,
but it'll be a few months before I can do that.
And yeah, I'm feeling very productive.

Speaker 3 (02:31):
That's so good. Are you able to share any themes
of the book, like kind of the angles you're working
or keeping that under wraps for now?

Speaker 1 (02:39):
I think it's just about female independence and freedom, nice freedom,
child free freedom.

Speaker 3 (02:46):
I feel like that is absolutely something that people who
love you respond to.

Speaker 1 (02:51):
So yeah, I think it's definitely underrepresented, you know what
I mean, We have so many people that are just
not the reason why it gets such a big reaction
is because there are plenty of people talking about it now,
more so than there were. But you know, it's not enough,
and it'll never be enough. That women have choices and
that we can choose to do whatever we want and
become whatever we want as long as we get all
of this nonsense out of our heads and stop listening

(03:13):
to what people are telling us.

Speaker 3 (03:15):
Yes, yes, it kind It makes me think about what
Alice Lonan had said about, you know, the whole, not
just our culture, but.

Speaker 1 (03:23):
Like the energy of the universe basically is like.

Speaker 3 (03:25):
Swinging more feminine for the next Yes, who knows how long,
but it's just it feels like it's coming to pass.

Speaker 4 (03:32):
And I like that.

Speaker 1 (03:33):
Yeah, yeah, great, Okay. So our guest today is she's
a real piece of work. She's an actress, a comedian,
and author of Bamboozled by Jesus. How God tricked me
into the life of my dreams. Please welcome vn Orgy.
Oh yeah, baby, hello, Oh yeah, look at you. Cutey, petuity,

(03:54):
fresh and fruity.

Speaker 4 (03:55):
And he takes one to know one.

Speaker 1 (03:58):
I was excited. I thought I was seeing you in
today and I was gonna do a little dry hump
and say hello. I was gonna jump on you. And
then she said you're virtually no, and I was like, oh,
what a bummer. But that's okay. We're happy to have you.

Speaker 4 (04:10):
I'm pretty bummed about it too. That was like, okay,
we can do a body.

Speaker 2 (04:12):
Well.

Speaker 4 (04:13):
I've been a huge fan of yours.

Speaker 2 (04:14):
Literally when people asked me, I was like about like
they were comedians. They were showing them like Chelsea Lately.
You not seen Chelsea lately. I'm like, every night I
tuned in BEFO I to move to LA. It was,
you know, fantastic, Thank you, honey. Well, likewise, right back
at you.

Speaker 1 (04:29):
You're fantastic, And I'm so excited to have you on
and to be talking to you because we don't have
a lot of religious people on this podcast. We have
a lot of spiritual people. But as I was reading
your book, I realized that it's kind of one and
the same. It is it's a belief system, and I
love that it's like modern religion what you're talking about
in your book, and I want to talk to you

(04:51):
about that first and foremost. I want to talk to
you about your belief in God and all of the
signs that you I guess maybe early on the signs
that you got that made you believe in God, not
just that was instilled from your parents, but from your
own young adulthood.

Speaker 5 (05:09):
I guess.

Speaker 2 (05:10):
Yeah, it's really I like to say, it's really more
like a relationship. So with my book it was my faith,
it is very much more fate relationship.

Speaker 4 (05:20):
Board.

Speaker 2 (05:20):
I think when you have a relationship with somebody, it
makes it more personal. Like if your mom tells you,
like come home, and you know she loves you, and
you love her back, You're like, you know what, I'm
gonna come home even though I want to stay out,
I'm gonna come home, Versus like if it's somebody you
don't have a relationship with, like that aunt, that's always
your business that it's like you should come home.

Speaker 4 (05:36):
You're like to the hotel not you know, you're just
you're not really out that life.

Speaker 2 (05:41):
And so I think when people try to use religion
to like force people to do stuff and like there's
no understanding or no relationship behind it, it doesn't stick
and it doesn't also feel good, like what the heck?

Speaker 4 (05:50):
Like why why would why would do we eat this?

Speaker 2 (05:52):
So that's just kind of like where my center of
faith lies.

Speaker 4 (05:58):
This is why I've been able to be a wish
for as well as I have.

Speaker 2 (06:01):
But yeah, no, I got saved when I was seventeen,
Like I was not playing on going to anybody's blah
bla study.

Speaker 1 (06:07):
I grew up Catholic, but from Nigeria. Well your parents
are Nigerian and were you you were born in Nigeria, right?

Speaker 4 (06:13):
I sure was. I was born in Nigeria.

Speaker 2 (06:15):
We immigrated to America when I was six and my
mom was a nurse at had.

Speaker 4 (06:19):
With University hospital. And you know, back then they liked
the immigrants and so they gave us green cards. Naha.
Now they're like you can go. You're like, well, wait,
like you you told us to come in.

Speaker 1 (06:29):
I love switching the rules. It's like yes, yes, we'll
take the tire the poor, and now we're like no, no,
actually we take it all back. We didn't mean that.

Speaker 4 (06:37):
For sure, like nobody one of them.

Speaker 2 (06:38):
There was a nursing shortage, so like that's why every
time you go to the hospital, there's gonna be a
Filipido or an African nurse. This is why when you
see hospital shows, you're like, no, this is not represented it.
There's got to be a madame orbs.

Speaker 4 (06:54):
Like what are you talking about? Like that?

Speaker 2 (06:57):
If there's not a Filipino nurse or niger nisse, I
would trust this hospital. So anyway, so that's how we
got to America, and you know, we again we were
Roman Catholic.

Speaker 4 (07:06):
But I remember just going to church war.

Speaker 2 (07:08):
As like a ritual, you know, like and after you
going up, you're just like, it's gonna be a fifty
five minute service, sixty if the priest is really feeling it.
But you know, I just love God and I'm also
afraid of my parents, so I'm gonna go to church.
But then I got to college and I was I
was like, let me tell you right now, we want
to go all the way wild.

Speaker 1 (07:29):
We are in DC.

Speaker 4 (07:30):
I am a grown woman. Let's go.

Speaker 2 (07:33):
And I was on my way to the club and
my friend was like, why don't we go to this
Bible study before we hit the club?

Speaker 4 (07:39):
And I was like, I mean, I mean, I guess
that makes sense.

Speaker 2 (07:43):
Sure, It's like it was like, you know, I'm not
in a Bible study attire. I was probably supposed to
be a hole in my heart, you know what I mean,
Like I feel like in Jesus hadn't gotten me as
early as.

Speaker 4 (07:52):
He would have. It made a different story.

Speaker 2 (07:54):
So anyway, we go to the Bible study and the
woman preaching, she was just so in lovely God in
the way way that like being a Catholic, I'd never
seen someone want who like understood the Bible, new Scripture, whatever,
and I was just so drawn to it. I mean,
before I knew it, I was over there giving my
life to Jesus. I was like, we were supposed to
be on a poll tonight. Why am I now like

(08:14):
in tears, like I do love you Lord, I surrender.

Speaker 4 (08:18):
So she got me.

Speaker 1 (08:20):
So it was in that moment, what you decided to
commit to your relationship with God.

Speaker 4 (08:24):
Yeah, Like I like that's how I already got bambooed
by teeth.

Speaker 2 (08:26):
Like I was prepared to lose my virginity at eighteen,
I knew I was. I knew I wanted to lose
my virginity at eighteen because not because of that necessarily
religious purposes, but because I was like, if I get pregnant,
I just won't be able to make decisions as an
adult because if anybody calls my mama, I'm gonna be dead.

Speaker 1 (08:42):
So I mean, can you imagine your parents working, probably
sacrificing everything to come to America and then their daughter
has a teenage pregnancy.

Speaker 2 (08:49):
What a fuck you? I was like, I get I
don't want my mom to go and deal with thirty
five to life. I don't want that to be her esimoity.
So I just was like at eighteen, like I don't
even know what decisions I would make, but I just
both feel more of an adult to do them right.
And so I remembered when I was sixteen, I went
to see my my primary care physician and she had

(09:09):
to call the mother of a sixty year old to
tell her that her daughter was pregnant. I remember that
a just sketch in my mind, like, oh, nobody will
ever meet that call. So that's why I had the
eighteen And God was like, ooohol, I'm gonna let her
have this like timeline because I got a surprise with her.

Speaker 4 (09:26):
I'm not saying when I was seventeen and a half.

Speaker 1 (09:28):
So he got me, we're gonna take a quick break
and we're gonna be right back and we're back. Are
you still a virgin? I am, Oh my god, I
love this. This is the most original guest we've ever
had on and you what are you? Thirty nine? I am,

(09:49):
Oh my god, that damn is gonna break one day, baby,
and maybe.

Speaker 2 (09:53):
Let the thing right now, I like people were like, oh,
you know. Even I was like, pray for him, whoever
he is. Why you've got a lot of pets up energy.

Speaker 1 (10:02):
Up and here.

Speaker 4 (10:04):
Okay, oh my god.

Speaker 1 (10:05):
And you're gonna hit your sexual peak when you start
having sex. So yeah, you're gonna need a couple of men.
Probably you all went from.

Speaker 2 (10:14):
Being universits of poly ellaly, Like that would be a
very interesting to events. That's I don't think that's the destimy,
but I will say, like, hurry up, if you know
any good men to the attend of my way.

Speaker 4 (10:23):
Please please.

Speaker 1 (10:24):
I you know what, it's funny. I know this Nigerian man,
he's married to my girlfriend. But I have so much
experience with their family and Nigerians, and I know how
dedicated Nigerians are to education and becoming a doctor, which
you cover in your book as well, And it's just
couldn't be more true. Like it's very serious. You know,
you have to be loyal and you have to like

(10:45):
it's almost like being in a family can also feel
like work for somebody who's like me, who gets to
do whatever they want. And all the time you're like, oh, oh,
this is a serious situation.

Speaker 4 (10:55):
There's always like an outlier. I'm the outlier by family.

Speaker 2 (10:58):
I was like, yeah, I feel like I'm met for
more than just what everyone else is doing. And so yeah, yeah, no,
and also as a Nijoria's supposed to be married at
twenty three, also an outlier.

Speaker 4 (11:10):
But no, I'm actually really happy.

Speaker 2 (11:12):
I feel like I don't think I could have ever
gotten married before this moment, Like honestly, maybe like thirty five,
I thought I was ready, but actually I think I
feel the most ready to be in the committed relationship now,
like that will actually last.

Speaker 4 (11:25):
Everybody there get married.

Speaker 1 (11:26):
At twenty three, they probably not together anymore. Yeah, how
did Nigerians feel about divorce?

Speaker 4 (11:32):
I mean, it's happening more and more now, so it's like,
maybe don't tell your daughters to get married and just
find it could and I didn't, I, you know, before
they know themselves.

Speaker 1 (11:41):
And how many siblings do you have?

Speaker 4 (11:43):
I have three older brothers, okay, And are.

Speaker 1 (11:45):
They in the States. They're all in the States.

Speaker 2 (11:47):
Yeah, they very like I have one brother who lives
in Nigeria, go back and forth.

Speaker 4 (11:51):
I have two brothers who are in the States. So yeah,
we're we're all over the place.

Speaker 1 (11:54):
And you're the baby.

Speaker 4 (11:55):
The baby.

Speaker 1 (11:56):
Isn't that kind of the best place to be in
a family.

Speaker 2 (11:59):
You know what?

Speaker 4 (11:59):
I like if they listened to me more, I would
really appreciate this position.

Speaker 1 (12:03):
I think with more the more success you have, the
more they will listen. That's my experience with my family.
For sure, they respect me way more than they did
when I really thought I had some smart ideas. So
talk a little bit. I like some of the stories
about your faith and belief being reinforced right signs of faith,
taking risks and knowing that God shows up for you.

(12:24):
So can you talk a little bit about that.

Speaker 4 (12:27):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (12:27):
When I was getting my master's in public health, there
was a pageant called the Misbagerian American Pageant, and my
like my friends were like, want you to enjoy, and
so I did. And I just thought I was like,
you know what, I can wear a dress. I feel like,
you know body colleges is I'm fine. And in two
weeks before the pageant, they were like, well, what's your talent?

Speaker 4 (12:48):
I was like, oh, I don't. I'm a job of immigrants.
I don't have one.

Speaker 2 (12:51):
Like, we're not raised they have hotties and talents. And
they were like, well, everyone who performs, needs to have one.
So it's two weeks people have bought tickets for my
mom and my like cousins are comed hey, and so
I'm just like, well, what the hell. I can't like,
I can't mess up because again the Nigerian it means
like we gotta be excellent.

Speaker 4 (13:08):
And I prayed.

Speaker 2 (13:09):
By this time, you know, I had a relationship with
God now for like five or six years. I was like, hey,
God really needs a solid It's me dollan fast, it's
stat And God was like, do comedy, Like I've heard
the voice of all these favorite sayings.

Speaker 4 (13:24):
Do comedy.

Speaker 1 (13:25):
And when you say you hear the voice of God,
what do you hear? How does that present itself?

Speaker 2 (13:30):
You know, it's it's one of those things where I'll
say out of body, but it's almost kind of like
a almost like a closing in because I know it's
not me, Like that was not an idea that I
could ever come up with on my own, and it
just sounds very clear, do comedy.

Speaker 4 (13:47):
It wasn't really, it wasn't James Earl Jerald. It was
just you comedy. And I was like what And.

Speaker 2 (13:53):
I remember being like, that's that's not what I would
ever do. So I was like, nah, I'm good. And
then I was like god, no, for like it's me Evon,
like like give me something I can actually work with.

Speaker 4 (14:03):
And he said, either you're going to larger trust me,
or you're not.

Speaker 2 (14:07):
And then the book spun away like it was like
I was just like whoa, you guys just dropped.

Speaker 4 (14:11):
I was like to leave, what the hell? But it
was just so clear and I was so scared.

Speaker 2 (14:16):
That's also how I know that it's him when he
asked me to do something that completely takes me out
of like the realm of logic, out of the realm
of something that I feel like I can do. I
know this nothing but God, because I wouldn't normally come
up with that.

Speaker 4 (14:30):
That's stupid. Why would I? Why would I put my stuff?

Speaker 2 (14:33):
Because Lenduria is like Americs are actually nice, like just
you know you have white friends and like when you
started doing comedy, they were like.

Speaker 4 (14:39):
Honey, that was good.

Speaker 2 (14:40):
You know they'll support, they'll clap, they'll support whether it's
good or bad.

Speaker 4 (14:43):
When you bomb there like you'll get.

Speaker 2 (14:45):
Them next size and you're like, oh, thank you. When
you know front of durious they do not care about
your feelings. Okay, if I were to bomb, they.

Speaker 4 (14:52):
Would be like who's this?

Speaker 5 (14:54):
Why?

Speaker 4 (14:56):
And these are the parents? Okay?

Speaker 2 (15:00):
And so I definitely was like, hey, okay, I'm very nervous,
I'm very scared. I also know that I don't want
a regular life like I just once I got said that,
I started like really representing the Bible.

Speaker 4 (15:12):
I was like, oh, I.

Speaker 2 (15:13):
Think I'm destined for more because for me, I think
when when you don't have friends and when you were
bullied and you feel like, oh man, all I wanted
to do was be long, and then you read the
Bible and it's like a blueprint to like belonging. It's
a blueprint to like finding a discovery yourself and your purpose.
I just I think I clung to it in such
a way that like I needed it. And so I
was like, well, maybe God knows something about me that

(15:35):
I don't know about myself and excars me so much.

Speaker 4 (15:37):
But I would I would hate you know.

Speaker 2 (15:39):
Even in the book, there's a chapter called Fears two
Boys and but regret as her bees, And for me,
I'm like, I would hate to like regret my life
because I just didn't do what God said because it
scared me so much, and so I spent the next
two weeks writing down what I thought was funny with
the dual identity of being that you're an American and
people who have and I almost I was so scared

(16:02):
of forgetting my lines, so I didn't do it. Like
like you know, when you get familiar with comedy, you're
able to improv, You're able to go with the jokes
to a crowd. Work that was not my case. I
was like, yeah, can y'all please start laughing? Y'all go
rest me up. And that was the first time that
I was like, Wow, I really really trusted God to
do something out of like the norm for me and

(16:24):
it worked out.

Speaker 4 (16:25):
But I was so scared.

Speaker 2 (16:26):
So I was like, hey, God, I want to do
this again, but if I know, I'm good if it's
not an audience of Nigerians with the same material.

Speaker 4 (16:34):
And so that I did DC's Funniest College Student Competition.

Speaker 2 (16:38):
I ended up winning for GW and part of winning
means you perform at the DC improv and so I
was like, oh my god, I think I can do comedy,
but it still scared me.

Speaker 1 (16:48):
Yeah, I like that story. I talk about the story
when you moved to New York though, what happened with
that when you had no money or you.

Speaker 4 (16:55):
Oh my god?

Speaker 2 (16:56):
So that was like, well, those were like one of
the first moments. And then of course, like you keep
going and then.

Speaker 1 (17:01):
And this voice becomes more familiar to you as you hear.

Speaker 2 (17:04):
It absolutely, Like I know, like anytime I take a bath,
I always just bring my notepad and a pen because
when I'm still and I'm like set, like God, I
need to hear from you, that's when I'm like so
tapped in and so tuned in.

Speaker 4 (17:17):
Inevitably I'll come out and I'll write something that I know.

Speaker 2 (17:19):
All this is like waiting to download with me on
because he's always talking. And sometimes it's just kind of
like a feeling like I should go there, or I
should go do that, and sometimes it's like audible direction.
So when I was trying to avoid going to med
school by going to live in Liberia, which is just
finishial war because it's easier to like go to war

(17:40):
torn countries than to dismantle your parents' hopes and dreams.

Speaker 4 (17:44):
And so the.

Speaker 2 (17:46):
Last weekend I was there, I met this woman named Jackie,
and it was at a wedding it was literally I
met her one day. She was from New York. She's like,
you have me give my daughter, and that was it.
We went our separate ways. A couple months later, I
was like, I want to move to New York. If
I'm really going to do this comedy thing, I gotta
try it. So I just have enough to like buy
a bus ticket. Right, I'm like, I don't know where

(18:06):
I'm wanna stay. All I know is like, I gotta
get out of Maryland. So I get on a bus.
It's four hours. I'm texting everybody I know, like, hey.

Speaker 4 (18:15):
Are you in New York?

Speaker 2 (18:16):
Can I jump on your couch for a little bit.
Then I just post on Facebook. I was like, coming
to New York, need a place to stay, and that
was it. Two hours into my ride, I get a
message from Jackie that says call me.

Speaker 4 (18:28):
She gets your.

Speaker 2 (18:28):
Number and she goes, are you on your way to
New York. I'm like yeah, She's like, you can stay
in our basement apartment. My daughter is away of college,
so it's yours. I lived with this woman that I
had met once before I left war torn Liberia for
six months renfree. Those are the things where I'm like
you don't have all the answers before you go. I
was on a bus heading somewhere and I had no

(18:51):
idea where I was gonna stay and lay my head.
And as I went, without all the information, without every
tea cross and every I dotted, my answer came. So
that's where like my faith really, like definitely like I
don't extend those I've seen too much, Like I can't
back down, Like it's just it's just wild to because

(19:13):
the way I know how he works, I know how
he operates. And even now, like even bringing on the
relationship whereeople, like you think you're ever gonna meet someone
like Bro, I'm a immigrants who's living up our Wallace
dreams in Allywood.

Speaker 4 (19:26):
There's eight billion people on Earth.

Speaker 2 (19:28):
I feel like finding me one man is the easiest
thing I could do. It doesn't even cost in my
mind that it won't happen.

Speaker 1 (19:34):
Yeah, that's the right attitude to have. I think a
lot of people would describe that. Also, not to say
that you're not, you know, have a relationship with God.
You obviously do, but a lot of people would say, oh,
that's instinct or the knowing, like your intuition when you
can sit still and really hear yourself and hear your desires,
whether it's someone telling you or whether it's an innate
feeling or an instinctual intuition, whatever. I think a lot

(19:57):
of people can relate to that. I love though. I
love the way you're talking about it. I love the
way that you believe in it, because I think when
we believe in things, it becomes true. A lot of
people are like, I don't believe in that. I don't
believe in that. I don't believe It's like, you don't
know what the fuck is going on. Nobody knows what
is going on in this world. When somebody's like, there's
no UFOs, I'm like, you don't know that. What are

(20:19):
you talking about. There's plenty of evidence to suggest otherwise.
You have this belief and it's closed and shut, and
that's the end of the case. You know, like your
opinion is valid because it's yours.

Speaker 2 (20:30):
I feel like the one thing that is certain in
life is you live at the level to.

Speaker 4 (20:35):
What you believe. Right, if you believe, you know what,
they're good people in this world.

Speaker 2 (20:39):
And I've just I choose to be optimistic and yes,
even in the face of like bad things happening and
bad people coming to you, you're still like, yeah, no,
I really hope and they find joined their live, but
I'm gonna still choose to believe that there are better
people out there are good people.

Speaker 4 (20:53):
So you just live at the level to what you believe.
And some people, for.

Speaker 2 (20:56):
All a young age, have been like stunded to like
be like the world is stress, everything's sass.

Speaker 1 (21:03):
To have to have limited belief systems, you know that
sum that aren't always growing, always expanding, like the idea.
The key to I think true awareness and enlightenment is
to have your opinion changed constantly to start believing. And
I'm not talking about QAnon. I'm talking about like learning
as you grow, like oh, I actually I'm open to
this or and I accept this, and yes that might

(21:25):
be a possibility. Just because it hasn't happened to you
doesn't mean it can. But I love the attitude. I
love all of it, like I can totally relate because
when you have high vibes, you get high vibe things.
You know, things come your way, for sure.

Speaker 2 (21:38):
I love what you said about feasible because it's like
none of us are are the thing, Like I'm not
the thing as I was while I was seventy, Like
there's some character traits that are like these are the
things that make me. But like when new information, when
you read new books, when you when you go to therapy,
when you have different conversations, your world enlarger than expands
and you're able to be like, oh, you know what,

(22:00):
I didn't like doing that, Like now I like doing this.
I just wasn't ready to bring that into my life
at that point when you first asked me. But like
that doesn't mean like, oh, you're a flip flopper. It's like, no,
I just have new information now, Like I just enjoy
growing and learning. And then some things I used to do,
I don't do it anymore. Like God really got me
to a place, especially the pandemic. He was like, I

(22:20):
need you to trust you as much as you trust me.
So I'm going to be a little bit more quiet.
And you have to know that because I love you
and you love me, and I'm in you, that the
decisions you will make will be from a place that
make me proud as opposed to be like God, is
this what you want? God?

Speaker 4 (22:36):
Is this what you want?

Speaker 2 (22:36):
And so it's just like whoa that was like, Okay,
you're not all the choriny reels anymore, like you have
the bicycle go. And I think sometimes people just like
are chained even to like, well, this is what our
relationship was like, and God, like, why would you leave me?

Speaker 4 (22:49):
I need you?

Speaker 2 (22:50):
It's like I'm not a good parent if like you're
connected to my hip all the time. You have to
trust and know my voice and my love is in you,
so move accordingly.

Speaker 1 (23:02):
What was the last book that you read? Oh, my goodness,
you mentioned books. I'm a big book a reader. We'd
like to talk a lot about books on this podcast.
Your last favorite.

Speaker 2 (23:10):
Book, Uh yah, yas the tresenta Kingdom was a really
good one, and then Seven Days in June was a
really good one.

Speaker 1 (23:18):
Like, what's that I haven't heard of seven Days in June.
The last time I checked, there were thirty Reilly.

Speaker 4 (23:25):
I'd dealt with you.

Speaker 2 (23:27):
It's by Tea Williams. It's a love story by these
two authors who spent seven days in June when they
were younger, and it was just like a whirlwind and
then like they separated. But then all of your books
are like low key about this intense love that they had.

Speaker 4 (23:43):
And then they reunite.

Speaker 1 (23:45):
Oh I like that. That sounds cute.

Speaker 4 (23:48):
Uh huh.

Speaker 1 (23:48):
Then summer I like to dip into a lot of fiction.

Speaker 4 (23:50):
What about you give me some recommendations.

Speaker 1 (23:53):
I'm reading Covenant of Water right now. I'm reading Andrea
Augusty's autobiography. Oh, I have a good book for you,
Lucky Girl. That's a good book. It's about these four
queer women while some are non binary, and these four
queer friends that live together and they work at like
a magazine that's about to get canceled, not canceled, but
they have no money, you know, so they're about to

(24:13):
get shut down. And then these new people come in
and there's kind of a lot of affairs and they're
all good friends. So it's fun and it's fiction, so
it's nice and light. And then there's another one that
I read that was really good. Wait, that's Lucky You.
Lucky You is a great book.

Speaker 4 (24:29):
It's that.

Speaker 1 (24:30):
Yeah, it's about a girl that grows up in Kenya,
moves to America and she has a really overbearing mother
and then she's kind of confronting the racism in America
compared to where she grew up in Kenya, where she
doesn't feel that kind of she doesn't feel American racism.
She's like, when you grew up in Kenya, you're surrounded
by all black people, so shut up and stop complaining.
It's kind of what the vibe she comes in with.

(24:51):
And then the transformation after spending so many years in
America and how different it is here when it's not
all black people, you know, and what you're up against.
So that was a really good book. I learned a
lot from that. It's fiction, but it's beautiful.

Speaker 4 (25:04):
I can relate. I can't wait to get into that.

Speaker 1 (25:07):
Okay, we're gonna take a quick break and we're gonna
be right back, and we're back. It happens so fast.

Speaker 3 (25:16):
Are you ready to give some advice?

Speaker 1 (25:17):
Are you ready to give some adviceive on, you won't
be what this podcast is. We have people that write
and call in and we give advice. So get your
shit together, girl.

Speaker 3 (25:27):
Okay, Katie Wrights, Dear Chelsea, I have two questions, really, First,
does Chelsea have any advice for someone who has public
speaking anxiety but wants to try stand up? My anxiety
surrounding public speaking is pretty intense. I typically physically shake
and my voice gets stuck and garbled. I love to write, however,
and I've been working on some jokes, but the thought

(25:48):
of speaking in public and being in front of anyone
terrifies me. Does this mean that maybe trying this just
isn't in the cards for me? Eventually, I'd like to
submit a writing packet for a show or comedian, which
would be a dream come true, especially due to the
slim chance that anything would come from trying stand up,
which I know isn't logical or very realistic, given that

(26:09):
the dream outcome would be to get a comedy writing position.
Should I start there instead? This idea actually makes me
a lot happier to even contemplate. So maybe it's the
road I should try first, even knowing that it's an
extremely competitive field and I know nothing would probably come
of it. At least I wouldn't regret not trying. I'd
be so grateful for any sort of direction or advice.

Speaker 1 (26:30):
Let me start from a medical standpoint. You can talk
to your doctor about beta blockers. You will not shake.
I've used beta blockers, my sister. Everyone I know has
used a beta blocker at some point in their lives
when they're too nervous, So that kind of cuts off
that signal that your brain sends to your body that
makes you shake or where you get dry mouth, or
it solves a lot of problems. If you're comfortable doing that,

(26:51):
I would highly recommend it because beta blockers work and
you don't have to take them forever. They kind of
rewire your brain to stop getting so nervous. I would
also recommend that, I mean, to any person that really
wants to face their fears, doing stand up comedy is
a great way to face your fears. You're always going
to be happy that you did it, regardless of what happens.
You're going to be happy that you took the step

(27:12):
towards making that happen. But if writing is also like
something that appeals to you, I think there's a much
better chance of success with writing than there is with
being in front of the camera. I feel like the
odds are slightly lower for being in front of the
camera than they are being a writer. And you know,
with writing, you can do that and that doesn't make

(27:33):
you nervous and it doesn't make you scared, and so
there's a lot of benefits that come with that too.
Following your path and it sounds like that kind of
feels like it is your path, but I would still
try stand up just to try it because it's so
exhilarating to do that. And I too have experienced shakiness
on stage and stuff, and that's how I found out
about beta blockers. I don't use them now because I

(27:55):
don't need them now, but I did have a period
of time where I did need them, and so they
can help in them. Yvon, what do you think.

Speaker 4 (28:02):
A couple of things? So I would say, if you're
really interested to get.

Speaker 2 (28:06):
Into the root of your social anxiety and you're able to,
I would try emd R therapy because that actually like
gets right into like where did this fear come from?
Like what is it rooted in that makes you feel
like whenever you get in front of people, like it's
so present that it blocks you. So if you're able to,
I would try that because I think that's not just

(28:27):
showing up in public speaking, that's showing up in other
areas of your.

Speaker 1 (28:30):
Life, and that's getting to the root of the matter
rather than putting a band aid on it, which is
what it beta blocker propenolol would do.

Speaker 2 (28:37):
Yeah, So, I mean, because that's just like for life,
that you're gonna you're gonna be around people for as
long as your life, right, So whether you just want
to figure out, like why why do I feel like this?

Speaker 4 (28:46):
And is there ever is there any freedom from this?
That's what I would say.

Speaker 2 (28:50):
First two, I would be more mindful and cognizant when
you say things like when you just read even though
I know nothing will ever come of it, you have
what you believe.

Speaker 4 (29:00):
So words are so important for me.

Speaker 2 (29:02):
I'm like, I'm huge on whatever you say is like
an arrow. So if you're like I just believe that
something could come of it, even if you're not sure
what it is. If you're starting a set to this
would be like I I know that you know nothing
will ever have it, It's like, well, nothing will ever happen,
You're right, So it's like a self fulfilling privacy.

Speaker 4 (29:22):
So that's that just on the just in general terms.

Speaker 2 (29:24):
But then I would also say, like, just also to
listen to our body, like the things that make us
feel better.

Speaker 4 (29:30):
I do that, Like I think like so with somehow
society has been like push faster, your fears go to
the end.

Speaker 2 (29:36):
It's just like, but what I do want to do this,
Like I don't like it, you know what I mean,
Like I I have a fear of blood, and I
was still like majoring in freaking biology, thinking I was
gonna be a doctor, like I don't like blood, like
so there's no verse, Like I.

Speaker 4 (29:50):
Was gonna be an obgyn. The hell was like Dickie,
So like that didn't bring me joy.

Speaker 2 (29:55):
I loved talking to people, so I got my master's
in public health.

Speaker 4 (30:00):
I love traveling. I got my masters in global public health.

Speaker 2 (30:04):
So it was just like those things actually made sense
and they brought me joy, and I was good at
them because they made me feel good. So it's like, yes,
you can push faster fears, and there's sometimes where fears
are quippling because it's stopping from doing the thing that
you're supposed to do. But then's sometimes I think people
like just do the hard thing because it's hard, and
someone told them that they have to do the art.

Speaker 4 (30:24):
It's like, biggy girl.

Speaker 2 (30:26):
From what I'm hearing, I feel like you're gonna be
a really good comedy writer. Get a comedic friend, and
like write jokes for them, so then you kind of
get the best of both worlds of being on tour
having your jokes be centered, but then you being behind
the scenes and then maybe enough breaths of that in
a new season you get you see that it's not
so bad, and then you're able to come to the forefront.

(30:48):
It's finny, like everything doesn't have to happen all at once.
There can be stages to your life and to your dreams.

Speaker 3 (30:54):
Yeah, and I think too, you know, stand up doesn't
necessarily have to be like, oh, that's her end goal,
Like she wants to be a writer, but if she
were to take a class or do a couple open
mic nights, get her jokes out there, she would be
able to see like what's working, what doesn't like, what
does it actually sound like, you know, when it's up
on stage, And it'll help her refine her jokes a
little bit as well.

Speaker 2 (31:15):
But I also love what like I think it was
like Tina Say and Amy Poehler. I love how they
were very much like, yeah, we couldn't be stand ups,
but we can be sketch artists. So like they're still
very front incenting, you know them as comedic women, but
they're not stand ups, right, and they are very vocal
about like no, that's a different beast. And I love
that because I think it shows that there's different ways

(31:37):
to be comedic and to be front and center would
not necessarily be like so the other day I was
walking down the street, you know, like it's just like
there's a different there's different chy points for everybody.

Speaker 1 (31:47):
If you're really itching for that experience, go and do it.
You know, try it a couple times if you really
want to overcome that. But again, you don't have to.
But if it's gonna make you feel good, it's gonna
make you feel a little bit brave, and it will
only lend itself to your writing as well, because so
you're gonna have a big appreciation for it after you
try to do it.

Speaker 5 (32:05):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (32:05):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (32:06):
One of my girlfriends just tried to stand up for
the first time, and she was like newly out as queer.
She was like really scared to sort of like get
up in front of a random room. So she took
a class that was all women. It was super supportive
and like even if Katie just took a class, you know,
even if she told herself, like I'm not going to
do the final thing where I get up in front
of people, but just even like getting in a class
and like seeing how that feels.

Speaker 2 (32:26):
And then also thinking the brush it off, like make
your goal to just be to have fun, because I
think sometimes like what the intention you set, like if
you're like, I want to do them five minutes, set
just this is new for me and this is scary
and I'm actually being vulnerable, and so really a win
at the end of this class would just be to
be able to talk to you guys for two minutes
without feeling a little to fear that's okay. Just set

(32:49):
that as the goal, even if somebody else in the
classes like, yeah, I'm going to open up maddage to
square guard and at the end of.

Speaker 4 (32:55):
This class, I cool, God bless you.

Speaker 1 (32:58):
Amazing.

Speaker 3 (32:59):
Well Katie, let us on how it goes. Our next
question comes from Sarah. Sarah says, Dear Chelsea, I need
some advice with dating. Full disclosure, I'm a thirty four
year old straight female and a virgin. I haven't had
a boyfriend since college. I have no idea how to date,
and to be honest, it terrifies me, like heart racing,

(33:21):
literally being scared to go on a date. I recently
got back on a dating app hinge and I was
asked out on a date. I immediately started panicking and
told my friend, I can't do this. I'm too scared.
Oh what the hell is wrong with me? Chelsea? And
what advice do you have for me to get past
this fear? Please help Sarah?

Speaker 1 (33:41):
Oh geez, that's terrible. Well she needs to go to
therapy too and figure out why she's so scared of
a date. It should and I listen, the only thing
you can do to diminish fear is to attack it.
I mean, I'm a perfect example of being scared of
so many things and just go going after it and
then the fear diminishes. Like for dating, I've definitely been

(34:03):
nervous to go on dates, and you know, I've definitely
had too much to drink because I was too nervous
to go on a date. And then I realized, who
the fuck gives a shit? Like you're putting too much
pressure on the actual date. You should. The more dates
you have, the less anxious you're going to be about it.
So you I would beg you to figure out a
way to go on five dates in a week so

(34:24):
that you can just get over this hump of fear
and understand that it's not the end of the world,
Like nothing is that important to be that scared about,
and I mean other than somebody being sick or dying,
Like it's supposed to be fun. And I don't know
why you would, you know, be so so scared unless
there was a real deep issue that you would have
to work out again with a therapist. But in lieu

(34:46):
of that, I would say to practice it as often
as you can, even if you want to just say, hey,
we're going out as friends on the first date, I
just want you to know that, you know, if you
want to take the pressure off of the situation, I
just want to meet somebody and get to know somebody first.
I don't want any expectations to take some of the
pressure out of it so it doesn't feel so intimidating. Yvane,

(35:06):
what do you think?

Speaker 2 (35:07):
I agree one thousand percent, like there there should definitely
be some therapy to get to the root of what's
happening too. I'm curious to know what happened in college
in terms of why she hasn't been on a date
since college, because like, from eighteen to thirty five, it's
a long time to not have gone out with somebody,
even it's just friends. So it's just like there's a

(35:28):
web and bite, Let's go get some pizza, let's go bowling.

Speaker 4 (35:30):
That's something.

Speaker 2 (35:31):
And then I think what happens with a lot of
women who are waiting, especially a lot of women who
are virgins, because you know, you have the folks who
like celibate or you know whatever, want to get virgins.
They feel like it's the scarlet let. They feel like,
you know, what if he wants to have sex with me,
or what do I say? And then what if he
doesn't like me?

Speaker 4 (35:47):
What I tell him? I'm a virgin? And it's just
like what the hell? It's so much pressure.

Speaker 2 (35:52):
And it's also like I remember I learned this a
long time ago, Like it's actually very rude to the
man to believe that all he wants from you is sex.

Speaker 4 (36:00):
He could just be like, I just want to stay,
have a good time. I just want to get to
know your name.

Speaker 2 (36:03):
And also see if like we vibe before we even
get to sex. Right, I've had long term relationships and
sets was not on the table, and we have had
a fantastic time. And so I think too, it's it's
this is more almost a reflection of like does she
think that she is worthy? Does she think that she
is a good time? Because I know, like there were
seasons where I didn't think I was beautiful. I wanted

(36:25):
to beat in a relationship, but because I didn't like really
fully see myself as that chick, that girl, it was
almost kind of like, okay, you know, I mean I
used to say the stupidest things. I'm like, I like, God,
do like me bad?

Speaker 6 (36:38):
As?

Speaker 4 (36:38):
Did I have no choice in this? You know, like
what if I don't like them?

Speaker 2 (36:43):
Like?

Speaker 4 (36:43):
Who the hell? Who's said that I didn't have a choice?

Speaker 2 (36:45):
And so it's like once I got my bad girl
ish up, it was like, oh baby, I'm a king builder.
I know we not have a sex, but like you
can have sex with everybody else, but what you can't
have is what I bring to the table.

Speaker 4 (36:56):
And maybe it's a lot.

Speaker 2 (36:57):
So you can still decide to not rop And that's
fine because I'm not for everybody in that way, but
I know that they're the people that I haven't been
for bit fire, and so it's just now finding that
bit So for her, I would just say, one, get
to the root of what this is, to ask yourself,
for real, do you love you? Do you feel like
you're beautiful. Do you feel like you're a worthy date?

(37:20):
Like a guy is going to enjoy the heck out
of getting to know you. Have you gotten to know you.

Speaker 1 (37:26):
And write those things down, that you are worthy, that
you're a queen, that you're a boss, that you're confident
enough to go on dates and and actually decide if
you like that person, because it's not about what they
think about you. Just like you, John said, we get
hung up on that we want people to like us
when we're too stupid, and then we realize, wait, I
don't even like you. So you got to say to yourself,

(37:46):
you got to write down some positive affirmations for yourself,
because I think you're in your head. I mean, I
know you're in your head if you're feeling this nervous
about it. It's normal to be nervous about things like this.
That's totally okay, but it shouldn't hinder you from actually
following through on the actual date and set yourself up
for success. Go to a place where you're gonna be

(38:06):
the most comfortable that you can possibly be. And I'm
not joking when I say do it as many times
in a row as you can do it to get
the nerves out of your system and extinguish that that
insecurity that you're feeling. And clearly it's a bigger issue.
But like all these steps that you take to sort
of self heal, they all start to build up together
and then things become much easier because you're being proactive

(38:29):
about your own well being when you actually are like, no,
I'm gonna do this because it's gonna be good for me,
rather than fall into your nervous side and say no, no,
forget it, I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna stay home.

Speaker 4 (38:40):
And also find your sexy too, And that means so
many different things for so many different people, right, but
like finding that sexy like whatever it is for you,
I don't know on a houshold you or how short
you are on being I'll split like that has nothing
to do with the sexiness of the continents because if
you if you know, like you'll want to walk on
a role I'm the bed a stick in here, like
and that's not just something you say like, that's something

(39:00):
like you're going to eat actually have to believe because
especially I mean tells you though being in Alleywood, you
walk in the room and like that's a line of
bounds up in here, my god. But then you're just
like that's cool. I'm also in here, so that I'm
also beautiful.

Speaker 2 (39:12):
I'm also that chick and also trust and know that, like,
there are going to be some guys who are not
gonna rock with you because you were virgin, and that's fine.
They're lost. You're not for everybody. I would always say like,
I'm not looking for our.

Speaker 4 (39:26):
Thousand guys, so like that's also a lot of pressure.

Speaker 1 (39:28):
I need one good dude, like that's it.

Speaker 2 (39:31):
And I used to friend zone myself a lot because
I did have that thing of like I would just
crack jokes and I'd be the funny girl and it's like, damn,
well a lot have been on the dating two years
because everyone's your friend.

Speaker 4 (39:42):
And so it's like when I talk about finding your sexy,
it's that thing of being able to like look at
some dude and just be like, Okay.

Speaker 2 (39:48):
I used to do the stupidest thing, Josey, And when
guys asking my number, I'm be like, you have my
email address?

Speaker 1 (39:53):
That is so stupid. I love that. It's like what
does that mean? Also, five bad dates are going to
lead a good one. Like the sooner you get through
the bad dates, the sooner you're gonna find the good one.
And it's a trial and error, that's what online dating is.
So you took the first right step with Hinge, and
now we need you to go on some dates and
fuck your nervousness. Do whatever it. Take an edible, have

(40:14):
a drink, whatever you want, don't don't get wasted, but
have something to take the edge off. Beta blockers, Yeah,
take a beta blocker.

Speaker 2 (40:20):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (40:21):
Go to your doctor and get propana all. That's a
beta blocker that'll help your Yeah, don't get row hipnawl.
Don't confuse row hipnol with a beta blocker.

Speaker 4 (40:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (40:30):
And I think a couple of just practical things that
she can do on hinge is set the expectation right
up front, like looking for friends and maybe more so
like you're not committing anybody who hits you up. You're
not committing to anything more than like, we're just seeing
what this turns into.

Speaker 1 (40:43):
I went on a date the other night and I
was like, I'm a forty eight year old woman, and
I was like, oh, I hope he doesn't think what
if I don't like him? And I was like, if
you don't like him, you're leaving, And that's exactly what
I did. I had a drink and then I was like, sorry,
I'm going to dinner with my sisters. I'm leaving now, right,
you know.

Speaker 4 (40:58):
And that was it.

Speaker 1 (40:59):
It wasn't happening, it wasn't on. There were no expectations.
And you're in charge. You're a woman, you get to
decide what's going to happen.

Speaker 2 (41:06):
Yeah, we have choice, supposedly, that's like, that's like, that's
a away right there.

Speaker 3 (41:14):
This exact scenario happened to Actually, the same friend who
just came out of queer turned out she wasn't into
guys and that's why she was always panicking on dates.
So you know, maybe expand our search.

Speaker 1 (41:22):
Yeah, okay, yeah, expand your search, really expand it.

Speaker 3 (41:27):
Okay, Sarah, let us know how it goes, and we
have our collor color just came so. Felix says, I'm
a queer person, gay, demisexual, says gender man, which means
I'm a boy who likes boys, but not very often.
I was raised in a very religious home. In fact,
my father is a pastor of a megachurch in my

(41:48):
home state in the South. My parents love me very much,
but my sexuality has always been the rainbow elephant in
the room. I was outed by some youth group members
when I was in college, and it nearly cost my
father his job. When it happened, I went back in
the closet, But after college, I moved out of state
and have pretty much been living as an openly queer
person ever since. In fact, I'm a qualified contestant for

(42:10):
Mister Gay America this year pretty fucking gay, so I'm
pretty much out, not so on social media. Whenever I
post anything queer related, I have a setting that hides
it from my friends and family and my church. I
want to be proud of my accomplishments as the state
title holder which qualified me for Mister Gay America, and
when I eventually meet someone special, I want my family
to be happy for me and come to my wedding.

(42:31):
I love my parents very much, and they make a
point to tell me they love me and pray for
me daily. But they're convinced I'm on a horrible path
and living out my truth as a queer person will
lead to ruin. I have an incredibly supportive sister and
brother in law who are both licensed therapists and run
a lot of interference, so that's helped a lot. But
we've been putting off this conversation as a family for
a long time. Not being able to fully receive love

(42:54):
from my parents because it's predicated on me being something
I'm not has taken its toll over the years, and
it's finally bubbling to the surface. My question is this,
how do I convince my parents that they raised a
good kid? Or I guess, how do I exist as
a queer person without breaking my parents' hearts? And beyond that,
how do I handle the backlash that I know is
going to come for my old church love? Felix, Hi, Felix.

Speaker 5 (43:19):
Hi, how you doing?

Speaker 2 (43:20):
Hi?

Speaker 1 (43:20):
Felix. Our special guest today is Yvonne Orgie.

Speaker 4 (43:23):
I'd be lex, Oh.

Speaker 5 (43:24):
My god, Hi, how are you?

Speaker 4 (43:26):
I I'm good. Are you about the board of flight?

Speaker 5 (43:29):
No, actually just deplaned from one.

Speaker 1 (43:31):
So good eye, von good eye.

Speaker 4 (43:35):
I was like, feelings, do you work?

Speaker 6 (43:38):
Or I'm actually traveling for a pageant in Atlanta for
Mister Gay America?

Speaker 1 (43:43):
Or is this a different pageant?

Speaker 6 (43:45):
Yeah, so this is a prelim to Mister Gay America.
So we'll be competing for mister Gay Southern.

Speaker 3 (43:50):
Well, this is we have two pageant queens here.

Speaker 1 (43:52):
Well I wasn't quite the queen, but I was. I
was on my way, and then I decided to re route.

Speaker 4 (43:58):
She was top fifteen out of fifty, so.

Speaker 5 (44:03):
Excellent.

Speaker 1 (44:03):
I was tough fifteen out of sixteen.

Speaker 5 (44:05):
There you go.

Speaker 1 (44:06):
Anyway. I feel like, so your family southern and religious.

Speaker 6 (44:10):
Yeah, yeah, pretty pretty stereotypical Southern Baptist religious, very anti gay,
anti trans all that good stuff.

Speaker 1 (44:18):
Okay, Yeah, and they know you're gay.

Speaker 6 (44:21):
Yeah, it's kind of like the rainbow elephant in the room.
We don't talk about it. They never asked me who
I'm dating or things like that. It's just something that
we don't really talk about.

Speaker 1 (44:31):
Yeah. Well, I think that's probably why you don't have
sex a lot, or you don't want to have sex
a lot, because you've probably feel so much shame because
of the way that you were raised and everything you
know around your family, which is very common actually. But
I would say to you, this is the life that
we're given, you know what I mean, This is the
chance that we get. If you're living your life for

(44:53):
your family, then you're not living your life for yourself
and you have to really dig deep and figure out
what's more important. Is it the approval of your family,
is it the approval of your church, or is it
your own growth and your own happiness and joy?

Speaker 2 (45:07):
You know.

Speaker 1 (45:08):
I mean, it's not fair for you to have to
take on their opinions and their judgments and prohibit you
from blooming, you know what I mean, and to the
person that you're supposed to be. And it sounds like
that's exactly what you're allowing them to do.

Speaker 6 (45:24):
Yeah, And I've definitely allowed them to do it for
a long time. I mean, I think for me, it's
just the you know me coming out, you know again
to them and being like this and this is me,
this is my truth and they would just take it,
you know so personally and which just cause a big
group to the family.

Speaker 5 (45:39):
And I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle up.

Speaker 1 (45:42):
But you are strong enough. You are. We're all strong enough.
It's we all have a reservoir of strength that we
don't even know about until we have to get in
touch with it. So you are strong enough. It's a
matter of choice if you're ready to do it, and
I would are you in therapy I am.

Speaker 6 (45:57):
Yeah, I'm also a person living with schizophrenic Yes, that's
a whole other topic, but therapy is more towards like
helping strategies and things like that.

Speaker 1 (46:05):
Do you have schizophrenia?

Speaker 6 (46:06):
I do schizo effective disorder, which is schizophrenia plus a
mood disorder which is really fun.

Speaker 1 (46:13):
Okay, and you're medicated for that.

Speaker 6 (46:15):
Yes, yeah, medication definitely helps. So maybe they'll lead you know,
pretty pretty normal life thankfully.

Speaker 1 (46:20):
Yeah, Avon, what are your thoughts on this subject matter?

Speaker 4 (46:23):
When we were hearing your story, there was something you said,
you said, how do I get my parents to or
how do I the reality? Like you can't make anyone
do anything. You could desire things to the people, but like.

Speaker 2 (46:36):
There's no version that you can make anyone to you
as you want to be seen, love you like you
want to be like that.

Speaker 4 (46:42):
Like so I think there is a there's going to
have to be a a.

Speaker 2 (46:47):
Separation of desire and expectation in order for you to
like fully get beat and joy. And this is not
at all comparing my situation to your situation to very
different things. But I remember when I was when I
she saw my parents that wouldn't do comedy mind you.
I had been the good Nigerian girl. I had gotten
the masters. I was in church, do all the things.

(47:08):
They I told them I was gonna move to New York.
Our relationship was straying.

Speaker 4 (47:13):
For eight years.

Speaker 2 (47:14):
I would call and like, havevych other's day. I got it,
be gotty get by back. Today I'm like, well, what
the hell sick?

Speaker 4 (47:21):
You died it? What's going on? Right?

Speaker 2 (47:22):
And so it can't be my well right now for
joy or understanding because they don't understand. So I had
to find my tribe. I had to find the people
that I knew cared for me, loved me, champion b
celebrated me, all those things, because like, you need all
of that when you're doing something that's different than what
they considered to be norm right, and so what I

(47:44):
also had to learn after base. In my mind, I
was like, once I do this, then they will love
me again. Then then we'll receive me again, then they
will accept me, and then everything will be great. And
then I did the thing and it was like, but
your brother had a baby. I'm like, what the hell.
So it's just like all these things that I was
still combating, and I had to get in my mind,
I just love them for where they are, for as

(48:07):
much as they can understand about me and what they
can love about me. Everything else, I would be doing
myself with the service by trying to force my desire
for how I want to be seen and loved on them.
Sometimes it was sad because you're just like, damn, how
come they still can't see all the things that I've
been through.

Speaker 4 (48:24):
I wrote the book, you know, it was it wasn't like, Wow,
you really struggled. I'm so glad you made it. It was like, so,
why are you talking about us? And I was like,
that's what you got from.

Speaker 6 (48:33):
It, that's a thousand percent my family. Like if I
told them what I was struggling with, or you know,
if they found ot I was doing this, they would,
you know, be like, well, why are we talking about
our family? You know, like why you know, we're very
much like a type of family which I need to
break away from. And like, you know, my sister is
a is a counselor, and so is her husband, so
like we're a very therapy adjacent family.

Speaker 5 (48:56):
But it's just we seem to not want to take
our own advice.

Speaker 1 (48:59):
And and is there anyone in your family that is
on your side, so to speak, Like with regard to
you being gay and out as your sister, is that
someone that you have as an ally in your family.

Speaker 6 (49:09):
Yeah, she's really the only one that I can talk
to about anything related to, you know, being gay or
anything like that.

Speaker 1 (49:16):
And what about your friend community. Do you have some
friends that are close to you?

Speaker 5 (49:21):
Yeah, I've got a fairly strong support network.

Speaker 6 (49:24):
I mean it's rank over the past few years, like
dealing with some of my mental health stuff, but I
do have a core few people that I can rely on.

Speaker 1 (49:32):
Okay, Well, I think you should really lean into that,
you know what I mean. I don't think you should
hide who you are. I really don't. It's so important
for each of us to really embrace everything about ourselves,
you know what I mean, and really live out loud.
And I know I don't mean that in like you
have to wave it in their faces, but you can't
diminish who you are out of fear for their reaction.

(49:54):
They need to get on board with the fact that
they love you and it's not a choice. This is
your life, this is how you were born, this is
who you are. And the more that you can lean
into that. I know it could be years, but eventually
most families come around. Yvonne's relationship with her family eight
years later after that strain, isn't you know, isn't as strained.

(50:18):
They did come around to the fact that she wasn't
following through with what they wanted her to follow through with.
And I know it seems like a huge mountain to climb,
and I'm sure it is going to be. But the
strength that you are going to gather from that climbing
that mountain, and the self esteem that you're going to
give yourself, and the way that it will affect and
impact the rest of your life, and the way that

(50:40):
it will impact the rest of your lovers and friends
and relationships, whether they're romantic or not romantic, is paramount
to how your family feels about what you're doing. You
can tell them you love them, but you can't be
living in a dishonest way.

Speaker 3 (50:55):
And I think there's a misconception about boundaries being something
that we get to other people, but really we can
only set boundaries with ourselves. And I think it would
be good for you to remind yourself, like on a
daily basis, like I'm only responsible for myself, and when
you really believe that you understand this backlash from your church,

(51:16):
that you're foreseeing anything that anybody else does and says
you are not responsible for that. You're only responsible for
what you're doing. And when you can live your truth,
that's the best way that you can represent yourself. Anything
else that happens is not up to you. It's not
your fault. You didn't cause it by coming out, even
though they already know you know you were outed before.

(51:39):
This might be the time to take your power back
and tell your truth yourself.

Speaker 2 (51:44):
I will say, I know it is not an easy
thing because I mean obviously being in the church, like
it is beyond a community.

Speaker 4 (51:51):
Sometimes it's like it's.

Speaker 2 (51:52):
So entrenched, and especially with your father being the head
of the church, there are so many ripple effects that
you know, even the three of us on this call
can't fully know. And it is that thing of your
mind goes into like will I be in Thanksgiving?

Speaker 4 (52:07):
And like what if my dad loses his job?

Speaker 2 (52:09):
And it just feels like all the compounding things fall
on you. So I would say it's easy or for
us to be like this and this, it's like no, no, no,
it's very hard to be in your position right now.
So I just want to affirm and acknowledge that because
it is their card to also like dismantle all of
the things that are connected to your one decision. So

(52:29):
do know that, And so it might be a process,
a three step process. And at the same time, when
you make decisions for you, understand that it will not
be the best decision for other people.

Speaker 4 (52:42):
And you cannot control what they say about you, what
they do to you.

Speaker 2 (52:47):
And just know that, like two things can be true
at the same time, this decision may affect them in
a way. And then you know, you hope, you desire,
you pray that they can be able to stand and say, listen,
even if we don't agree with this, because it's still
our son, we love him, and so I hope you
can understand our position in loving and protecting ourselves. That's

(53:09):
what you would want them to say. I don't know
if that's what they are prepared to say, and we
cannot control that. We cannot know that, right. And I
know how frustrating that made me for you as a
child who loves their parents, because there were times where
I wanted that protection right and not in the same
way obviously, but like you want that protection and sometimes
when you don't get it, it feels so sad because

(53:29):
it's like, why don't they just know me? Why can't
they just see me and receive me? But we can't
ask those questions. We're not them because we don't know
what is in them. That's preventing that. We only know
where we are in the seat that we sit at.
So I hope you have your tribe. I am so
grateful that you have your sister and her husband in
your life that can affirm you because you really just

(53:51):
need one good ally. You really just do need one
good ally who can, like you said, cushion the blow
for you. But it is a lot. I would definitely
be prayed for you, and I know you pray for
yourself as well, and maybe let the grays of God
things changed. But we're not holding our breadth of that moment.

Speaker 5 (54:08):
Yeah, now that's hugely affirming.

Speaker 6 (54:10):
Thank you, just because it really is not just coming out,
it's like basically saying to that entire community, I'm choosing
a quote unquote to live this way and be outspoken
about it and just thinking about a life where everyone
knows is just I don't know, a little mind bending
for me.

Speaker 5 (54:25):
I can't really crap my arms around it.

Speaker 1 (54:28):
Is there a scenario where you can be revealing about
everything that's happening on Facebook or whatever. Is there a
scenario where you can just take a little bit of
a break from them so that everybody has time to
kind of absorb the information and that you're not subjecting
yourself to their criticism or their rejection or any of that,
and you lean into your friend circle that you said

(54:49):
you have.

Speaker 6 (54:50):
Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that, like
make a big, long post and then go dark for
a little bit and just focus on being around my people.

Speaker 1 (54:57):
You don't have to go dark, But I'm saying if
there was spons is going to be, if it's going
to hurt you, and it's going to be hurtful, then
you have every reason in the world to say, listen,
this is my life. I have to live it. I
want my family support. But if you guys don't want
to support me, then I mean I have to take
a break from you, you know, to kind of reinstill
some confidence. You want to be loud and proud about it.

(55:19):
You should be. Everyone else is.

Speaker 4 (55:22):
And also, I guess my question to you.

Speaker 2 (55:24):
Do you A couple buys is do you still live
back at home in that community?

Speaker 4 (55:28):
Like do you still live down south?

Speaker 5 (55:30):
No?

Speaker 6 (55:30):
I live about three hours away, so it's close enough,
but just far o the way exactly.

Speaker 2 (55:35):
Is there a version where you can get on the
other side of America or another country? Like is there
anything really keeping you so close to the community?

Speaker 4 (55:42):
Is there anything really keeping you in this country? Because
there's versions where you can.

Speaker 2 (55:47):
Time and space and this is are are blessing. Those
are also boundaries as well, and also no one's saying
that you have to post anything about it. I'd feel
like there's a version where you can just keep moving
a wedding and like, again, that's still going to be hard,
but it's a decision to protect your mind space and
your heart space. I was like New York wasn't bart up.

(56:07):
I had to move to LA because I know anyway
get on the flight. But that was parted up the
space and the distance, and then also choosing to not
engage in certain conversations just like hey, I hear where
you are. I understand your point of view. I also
have shared my point of view. It doesn't feel like
it's being understood. And I understand why, but also I

(56:28):
choose nothing engaged in this conversation because there's no there's
no answer or in an impast and so let's just
not at the conversation.

Speaker 6 (56:36):
Yeah, and I think there's definitely times where it's considered moving.
But you know, I do have two little nephews and
a baby knees within driving distance, so maybe when they
get a little older, think about maybe, but in some distance.

Speaker 2 (56:47):
I will say, as much as I know you love
your niece and your nephew, that is still you putting
other people in.

Speaker 4 (56:54):
Front of you. Know, I'm not at the I can't
tell you anyhing about that, like you're not, but.

Speaker 2 (57:02):
It ends that you know that's still like, Hey, I
love middies and nephews, like we love that you love them.
And at the same time they can still know that
you love them. Mightighty's and nephew live one hundred bizillion
thousand miles away. Every time I see them, I FaceTime them.
I you know whatever, but I'm not going to put
myself in proximity to a bad family situation. But it's

(57:24):
like they still know that I love them. But at
the same time I'm able to live what PRIs me joy.

Speaker 1 (57:30):
So consider that, consider that impact that you're having also
watching you know, your niece's a nephew or nephews and
niece are watching you. They're going to grow up watching you.
And do you want them to grow up watching you
live your life fully or do you want them to
see you being a fraction of yourself because of your
family's judgment.

Speaker 3 (57:47):
Yeah, that a lot too, And Felix, as you well know,
planes exist, so like you can visit.

Speaker 1 (57:54):
Yeah, I think it would be empowering for you to
get some space and time away from your family so
that you can actually find out what your own thoughts
are and what your own feelings are and kind of
diminish the shame and work with a therapist, definitely, because
this is so common among gay men, you know, whose
families reject them and don't understand. But please keep in
touch with us and let us know what transpires and

(58:15):
give us updates because you should be empowered, and I
hope you do feel empowered after us. Talking with you.

Speaker 2 (58:21):
Away also doesn't mean forever, as long as you get
to whatever point you feel and you can stay, I'm
okay with it. That's a very different thing than be
like I'm not okay with it and I wish So
it's like you can still decide that what works best
for you is to be this version of yourself as
long as you're okay with you.

Speaker 1 (58:42):
And you're not okay with it because you're calling in right.

Speaker 5 (58:45):
No, this this has been I appreciate.

Speaker 1 (58:48):
Okay, Well, we love you and we support you and
we are your allies. So you know, if you ever
need us again, call us back.

Speaker 5 (58:55):
We'll do. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 (58:56):
Okay, you love all the planet.

Speaker 4 (58:58):
Yeah that's fun.

Speaker 5 (59:00):
Yeah, we'll do.

Speaker 1 (59:01):
Okay, bye, thank you, Thank you guys, sending you off.
Do you know how many people call in with that?
How you could be a mother or a parent and
say no to your child? Oh my god, I couldn't.

Speaker 2 (59:14):
You know what tells me it's one of those things
where like everyone has a different POV right for Nigeria.
Sometimes we think like how about our parents do s
Y and Z? And I had to remember they saw
a war where people were like killed in front of them,
so some of their decisions and there was no like
oh e MD or therapy available for them, you know,

(59:34):
or like the even they're like what they just tried
to survive to the next day. So it's not like
we're making excuses, but it's like sometimes to understand I
would totally do some things differently than like my parents were,
Like I have the privilege of being in America and
like knowing that I have another home, Like my dad
almost died in the war and like had to like

(59:54):
put on plane clothes and like walk three days till
like my grandfather's village to survive. It's like, yeah, maybe
there's a reason why he does X, Y and Z right,
or maybe there's a reason why like shame and embarrassed
her are so big in this community. We don't know
all the factors. And then especially when you add in
like deep rooted religion and this is the word, and

(01:00:16):
the word is you know, sharper than need two edged sword,
and it doesn't lie.

Speaker 4 (01:00:19):
It's like all the things that come with that. It's
just like it's hard.

Speaker 2 (01:00:23):
To see, just like love, because again Jesus was still
the same person. When the woman who had all the
husbands came to him at the well, he was like
a girl, get some water, and I know the man
at home is at your book and it's just like wait,
what And then she was able to be like, come
and see a man who has shold me everything about
my life because he didn't like judge her, he didn't
shame her.

Speaker 4 (01:00:42):
He just was like, I know what's up you, dursty.

Speaker 2 (01:00:45):
Yeah, and like that's just not what we as humans
who are all the way flawed, know how to do.
So it is difficult and convoluted and a lot of
times not right, but like who's to say what's right
and wrong other than just like how and compassion for humanity.

Speaker 1 (01:01:01):
Yeah, we're gonna take a quick break. We'll be right
back to wrap things up, and we're back Avon Orgie.
What an ironic last name for you? Really?

Speaker 4 (01:01:13):
I have questions with Jesus what I mean him of?

Speaker 2 (01:01:15):
Like I think we live in on my walldle laugh
ning dreams here. I wait until I get married.

Speaker 1 (01:01:20):
I love you. You're so vibrant and filled with good,
good stuff. I'm gonna DM you. I'll DM you my
phone number so we can hang out and have a
night together. Perfect, And thank you for being on the podcast.

Speaker 4 (01:01:32):
Thank you for having me, Thank you.

Speaker 6 (01:01:34):
Bye.

Speaker 1 (01:01:35):
Okay, guys, we have added more shows to My Little
Big Bitch Tour. I added another second show in Toronto,
So I have two shows in Toronto now to December seventh,
December eighth, December ninth, I'm in Ottawa, and two new
shows at December fifteenth. On a Friday, We're doing a
seven thirty and ten pm show with Kevin Hart and
Friends that's in Thackerville, Oklahoma. And all my other shows

(01:01:59):
that you can buy tickets for at Chelseahandler dot com.
I'm starting my tour backup on September twenty ninth in
New York City at the Beacon, which is sold out,
but the next night there are tickets available September thirtieth
at the Beacon. So for all fall dates you can
go to Chelseahandler dot com for tickets and you'll see me.

Speaker 3 (01:02:16):
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and
be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot
com