October 21, 2025 • 32 mins
Hello, Fellow Travelers. This week we explore the challenges of blending families together. Priscilla is struggling to deal with her boyfriend’s six-year-old daughter and is wondering if it's even possible to build a relationship with the girl who constantly says she hates her.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (01:09):
Hey to your Therapist listeners. It's Lori and Guy and
we have a quick update.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Many of you have told us that you get something
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We're They're therapy is like that too. There are so
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Speaker 3 (02:23):
Hey, fellow travelers. I'm Laurie Gottlieb.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
I'm the author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone,
and I write the Dear Therapist advice column for The Atlantic.
Speaker 4 (02:31):
And I'm Guy Wench. I wrote Emotional First Aid and
I write the Dear Guy Collumn for Ted And this
is Dear Therapists. This week we'll talk about the challenges
of blending families together. When young children are.
Speaker 5 (02:43):
Involved, I'll say, oh, everything is going fine, Maybe heay
is going to be a good day. And I certainly
don't know what to say when she's like, I hate you.
Get away from me.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Listen in and maybe learn something about yourself and the process.
Speaker 4 (02:55):
Hi, Laurie, Hey Guy, Ready for this week's letter. I
am great, Dear Therapists. I've been dating a single dad
for two years. We've known each other for thirteen years,
and we've reconnected after our divorces. I do not have
any kids and his are six and eight. We do
not live together, and I see them two to three
(03:17):
weekends a month. His son, he is eight, he's a sweetheart.
His daughter, the six year old, she hates me one
minute and loves me ten minutes later. This roller coaster
usually lasts throughout the weekend. She says mean things like
I'm fatter than her mom, or I make crappy grilled cheese,
or that she reminds me constantly that I'm not her
(03:38):
mum and I can't tell her what to do, even
though I don't discipline, I follow all the books that
say not to. I'm not trying to be her mum
at all. So how do I help this little girl
with a divorce or me? Or how do I at
least try to survive it? Being in my position? I
feel like I should love her, but I don't even
like her most days. Signed Priscilla.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
So blended families, even though they're not married.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Let's call them a blended family, because that's basically what
they are operating as. And they're really hard because in
any relationship, you're navigating the couple itself, but there are
all these other people involved. You have exes and children involved,
and the children are an integral part of the couple's relationship.
Speaker 4 (04:20):
And learning families takes time, often as he is, before
the family can feel fully comfortable and that they've made
the transition, and that's when it's happening almost full time.
Here she's there just a few weekends a month. But
what I think is that she's underestimating how it's going.
The fact that the boy is fine with her, the
(04:40):
fact that the little girl, ten minutes after she says
I hate you, says I love you and it's cool
with her, and I think she's perhaps having too high
a bar of how it should go.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Yeah, she's thinking to herself, well, why is the girl
acting this way when I'm doing nothing to try to
be her mom? And she can't imagine the kid's point
of view instead of thinking about why is she accusing
me of things that I'm not doing? To try to
understand what is actually going on with this little girl.
Speaker 4 (05:10):
Right, And I think that the only way she can
fully understand the little girl's point of view is to
understand the mom's point of view, because the girl is
representing her mom here in quite a significant way, and
so Priscilla needs to understand not just the girl's point
of view, but the girl's mother's point of view, so
she knows that when she's talking to the girl, she's
really talking to the mom. A lot of the time.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
That's true, she's so young. You think they've been together
for two years. And so the girl was four when
this couple got together. And I'm imagining that the mom
had concerns about how much this new woman was going
to be a maternal figure to her daughter. Would the
mom be left out? The age of the kids is
(05:54):
really important here too. Some people think, oh, when they're younger,
it's easier. In some ways, when they're younger, it's harder.
And I think we need to understand the system as
a whole. How is that different from the family system
they used to have, and also the system that they
have when they're spending time with their mom.
Speaker 4 (06:10):
And I'm also curious a little bit about the boy.
He doesn't seem to be a big player here at all.
He just seems to be fine with whatever. It could
be that the conflict with the girl is orienting Priscilla
towards the girl and she's ignoring stuff that might be
happening with a boy.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Yeah, we're talking about family systems. We should mention that
there's always an identified patient, what we call an IP,
and it might be that the girl is holding all
the symptoms for whatever distress. This disruption has caused and
she looks like the problem, but we don't really know yet, and.
Speaker 4 (06:42):
We'll get Priscilla in for a consultation after a quick break.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
You're listening to Dear Therapists for my Heart Radio.
Speaker 4 (07:03):
This is Deotherapists.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
Thanks for listening, So why don't we go and talk
to Perc.
Speaker 6 (07:11):
Hi?
Speaker 3 (07:12):
Priscilla, Hi, Yes.
Speaker 4 (07:13):
Thank you so much for coming on our show. We
really want to ask you a few questions about your letter,
and one of those is we wanted to get a
better sense of your boyfriend of the dad. What does
position in all of this? What does he do when
his daughter is criticizing you?
Speaker 5 (07:29):
Sure, when he's there, he's very good at saying you
know that's not very nice, please apologize. Sometimes he's not there,
then I don't tell him about it because I don't
want to be a tattletail. So if he is there
and he hears it, he does support me and he
lets them know that what she's doing is not right.
Speaker 4 (07:49):
Okay? And how frequent are these moments of oh, I
hate you and you don't make good Glucci sandwiches?
Speaker 5 (07:55):
I would say twenty five percent is her saying I
love you can you come play with me right after
a time that she has been pretty mean, But most
of the times that are difficult are about seventy five
percent of the time.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
Well, you're actually doing a really good job.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
And I know that sounds off because of the ratio
that you just gave us, but blended families are really hard,
and I think you have to remember that whatever is
going on with the kids has a lot to do
with what's going on in the family she is coming from,
and part of that family is her mom.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
And I want to be.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Really careful here not to criticize the mom, because the
mom probably has a lot of feelings about the fact
that she is not seeing her children all the time
now that there's another adult in her children's lives, and
that could be really hard on her. And the little
(08:55):
girl probably feels torn between seeing that her mother might
be struggling with this and also wanting to form a
relationship with you, but maybe feeling almost disloyal in doing so.
Speaker 4 (09:13):
So in essence, what the girl is representing is her
idea of what the mom needs her to represent, whether
the mom expressed that or not, wants to have to
do that or not. So you're not really talking to
the girl. A lot of the time you're talking to
the mom through the girl, and so it's important to
(09:34):
consider that because the girl is not just being rude
or defiant, she's actually being loyal, she's actually being loving
toward her mom. But once she has she's you know,
kind of checked the box, done her duty, then she
can afford to just be how she really feels with you.
Speaker 5 (09:53):
Okay, so that makes a lot of sense. And she
I think I have a hard time switching back and forth,
and I certainly don't know what to say when she's
like I hate you. Get away from me after we've
just been playing and say, oh, everything is going fine,
maybe today's going to be a good day, and then
obviously it's not until it is again maybe half an
hour later.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Priscilla, I'm wondering, what do you say in those moments when.
Speaker 6 (10:15):
She says the mean things.
Speaker 5 (10:16):
Well, sometimes I say I'm sorry, I don't hate you.
I'm your friend and I really like hanging out with you.
There are moments where I'm not so great and I.
Speaker 6 (10:24):
Say, well, why would you say that? I need to
know why why do you hate me?
Speaker 1 (10:28):
The important thing here to remember is that it's okay
for her to have the feelings that she's having. The
way that she expresses them is problematic, but it's okay
for her to feel how she feels. She doesn't know
what to do with these very big feelings that she's having,
and so trying to talk her out of her feelings
or trying to have her back up her feelings with
(10:50):
I need three bullet points on.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
Why you hate me.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Yeah, she's not able to do that. She's six years old,
and so I think first of all, what would feel
so good for her is for her mom and her
dad to be talking to her about what is going
on and how are you feeling about all of these changes,
and when she says I don't like Priscilla, that they said,
you don't have to like Priscilla, but you do have
(11:13):
to be kind and respectful, and it gives her the
freedom to be okay with the conflict of I'm having
these feelings I don't like the divorce, and I also
kind of I'm starting to like this other woman.
Speaker 4 (11:29):
Yeah, you said, so, we we're playing. Everything's very nice,
and suddenly I say, you know the next thing because
we're having a good time, and she's like, no, I
hate you. I don't want to talk to you. She's
saying that because you just had a good time. She
hates you after she feels that she loves you. The
picture of what the I hate you statement is about
(11:51):
hit in fact, means oops, I love you too much
right now now I need to hate you because I'm
going to feel guilty.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
The thing is that for her liking you is dangerous.
The minute that she feels that she likes you, this
alarm bell goes off in her and she doesn't know
what to do with it. And you say, that's not
going on with the boy. What's his relationship like with
his mom compared to what the girl's relationship is like
with her mom?
Speaker 5 (12:17):
From what I hear, because their mom doesn't want to
meet me, he's very affectionate with her too. And it
seems that his daughter is very touch and go with
the mom.
Speaker 4 (12:27):
Too, meaning that she's having conflict with her mom as well.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Yes, it's interesting too that you've been dating for two
years and there's this co parenting situation, but that she
has not wanted to meet you, and yet her kids
are spending a significant amount of time with you. How
does your boyfriend talk to you about what's going on
with his divorce.
Speaker 5 (12:54):
It's a pretty contentious situation. They aren't in a oh
I think what I would say a co parenting situation.
They are in a limited speaking situation. Most communication happens
via email.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
And how do you and your boyfriend talk about your
role in this emerging family that you're creating with the boyfriend, I.
Speaker 5 (13:14):
Don't know that we talk about my role and that
he says, I'm very happy that you're in their life.
I'm happy that you're a friend for them, and he
wants me to be comfortable spending time with them.
Speaker 6 (13:23):
Of course, I think he does very much want me
to live with them. I have put the brakes on
that because I don't think it's a good time right now.
Speaker 5 (13:29):
So that's how we've talked about it.
Speaker 4 (13:32):
Look, you are in the toughest position in the blended
family scenario because her parents are not communicating other than
in emails. They're not really having a productive conversation to
try and co parent and help this girl deal with
the emotional conflict the divorce presents, so she's left to
deal with it on her own with messages from mom
(13:55):
that you are not to be greeted. Then here's what
sets up a loyalty conflict. If nothing else, and there's
plenty else. That's why this girl is in conflict. She
likes you, she has fun with you, yet mom doesn't
like you, and so it's not okay, really like you,
and so she can get over that a lot of
the time, but not all of the time, and not
even most of the time. And I just want you
(14:16):
to have a very different perspective on what's going on,
so that you see it that way rather than I
must be failing or the girl must be too difficult
because we're not.
Speaker 5 (14:25):
Connecting all the time, both of those things. Actually, I
think I think both of those things, and I have
never thought of it that way. And honestly, in the
first time in two years, I feel bad for her
because I have not felt that way the whole time.
Speaker 6 (14:40):
It has just been difficult.
Speaker 5 (14:41):
So thank you for I think, allowing me to feel
bad for her. And I don't know if there is
a role for me to help her in this.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
We're gonna talk in a second and come up with
some advice for you and will help you manage that
a little bit. But first I had one more question.
I want to know more about your relationship with your boyfriend.
Tell me about the relationship and tell me about the
quality and the depth of the kinds of conversations that
you have, because it sounds like this divorce is a big, big,
(15:09):
big part of his life, and I don't know how
much you talk about that. Is that compartmentalized so that
you guys have this romantic time together, but you're not
really talking about this whole other piece of his life
that's going on in the background. How are things between
the two of you, And in terms of even talking
about your life goals? When he says I want you
to move in with me and you're not really ready,
(15:30):
do you have the same ideas about what you both
want in the future.
Speaker 5 (15:34):
So, yeah, we've known each other for thirteen years. We
liked each other back then, timing wasn't right, and you know,
over the years we loosely stayed in touch, and then
we got married and divorced, and I've been divorced for
two years. He roughly the same time. It was official,
about a year ago. The first year, I think we
were very much, yes, trying to be focused on building
a relationship for us one to two days a week,
(15:56):
which is kind of tough, so we didn't talk too
much about those other things. But now that his divorce
has been final and they're having some he and his
ex wife are having some difficulties dealing with custody issues
and child support and school choices and all that sort
of stuff. I hear about it, and I think it's
been starting to weigh on us as a couple, because
(16:17):
I think he is missing me a lot and he
wants me to spend more time with them, and just
having two years out from a divorce, I'm really finally
for once I had a difficult marriage. I'm very happy
in my life where it is right now that I
get to have some peaceful time on my own, I
get some time with him, we get some time as
a group together. I know he wants it to happen
(16:37):
right now because he really wants me to be there
and he loves having his time with me, and he
has expressed to me that brings him peace and calmness
when I'm there with him or there with him and
his kids, And I would agree. I love spending time
with him. I think we do have the same goals
as far as living together. I'm looking at it as
a couple years down the road when because in my mind,
(16:59):
the child's situation settles down a little bit, and I
didn't have kids in my life, so I think I'm
still trying to adjust to having kids and what that means.
I did not go off around little children either, so
there's also a lot for me to adjust to that too.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
Did you plan on not having children?
Speaker 6 (17:18):
I did.
Speaker 5 (17:18):
I was married to an alcoholic for ten years, and
so I chose to not have kids with him for
a very good reason. And then just kind of a
custom myself to saying I'm not going to be someone
that is able to have kids.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
So it wasn't that you didn't imagine yourself as a parent,
it was that you didn't imagine yourself in that situation
as a parent.
Speaker 3 (17:36):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
And let me just ask you, what is your boyfriend's
relationship with his daughter.
Speaker 5 (17:41):
Sure, in the beginning, I saw how does he love
this child so much when she's so difficult to him
as well? I think she acts out quite a bit,
pushes his boundaries as well. I think we all walk
on eggshells around her, waiting for her to kind of
erupt with some sort of behavior.
Speaker 6 (17:57):
So he really really.
Speaker 5 (17:58):
Wants to try to have a better relationship with her.
Speaker 4 (18:01):
If the girl were easier, would you consider moving in sooner?
Or is it's not that necessarily that's stopping you.
Speaker 5 (18:09):
Oh, such a good question, because I have asked myself
that I almost have said if she wasn't in the
picture and it was just me and my boyfriend and
his son, would I want to do it. I think
the timeline would be shorter, but I still wouldn't be
ready to move in right now. I am still enjoying
my life as it is right now.
Speaker 3 (18:31):
So guy, let's give Priscilla some advice.
Speaker 4 (18:35):
So you know, it's an interesting thing that's going on
because to us, it seems that everyone's struggling here. It's
not just the girl who's struggling or you that's struggling
because of her. Everyone seems to be struggling, And again,
completely normative given the situation. Divorces are difficult, Blended families
are difficult, but when a divorce is really contentious and
(18:57):
there's not a lot of co parenting or good communication
going on between the parents, it does make things trickier
and more difficult for all and often especially for the kids.
So the first thing we want to suggest to you,
is that you and her dad need to have a
different way of responding to the girl when she's having
(19:19):
these difficult moments because they come out angry, they come
out hostile, but what's beneath both of those is pain.
She's in pain. She has no idea why or what
to do with it, and so it's okay to say
to her. And this is the most important part to
give her permission to be upset, to be angry, to
(19:43):
feel whatever she's feeling, because when you say to her
that's not nice apologize, or when her dad says that,
it really doesn't give her the room to have the
feelings that she's having. So it just frustrates her more
because it's in denial of what she's feeling. So it's
more important that you and the dad respond by saying,
I know you don't like my grilled cheese, and I
(20:04):
know you might be missing mom now and missing Mom's
grilled cheese, and that's okay. You're allowed to me, you're
allowed not to like mind grilled cheese, but you do
need to say it more nicely, you know, the messages
like that let her know that you get that she's
in distress. But have a limit attached to them about
but it's not okay to express it this way, and
(20:26):
maybe there are other ways you can express it and
then offer those to her in the moment, and she
will use them or not, but over time they'll begin
to fold more into her repertoire.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
I think she understands that there's a lot of conflict
between her parents right now, and that there probably aren't
a lot of positive things being said about her mom.
And so it sounds like some of the comments that
she makes to you set up a comparison between you
and the mom, like you're fatter than my mom, her
grilled cheese is better. It's not just a comment about
(20:59):
your body separate from her mom, or your grilled cheese
separate from her mom.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
It's a comparison, and.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
I think that you need to keep out of that comparison.
And so if she says, you know, you're fatter than
my mom, you can say, yeah, you know, she's spin
her and we both like our bodies. You can talk
to her more generally, maybe not in that moment, about
what we do when we are sad or mad or anxious,
(21:28):
and really give her that vocabulary. It sounds like neither
of her parents has really had that conversation with her,
And so if you can approach her with more compassion
in those moments, and I know it's hard to do
because she's saying things that are very provocative, but if
you can have a lot of compassion for the pain
she's feeling that made her say what she said, I
(21:49):
think that you will respond to her in a way
that allows her to have to have the feelings that
she's having. But again, if her mom's not going to
have that conversation with her, her dad certainly needs to.
Which is I know that it's hard going back and forth.
I know it's hard getting used to a new person.
And I know at times you're going to have feelings
about that. Your mom, me, your brother, we all have
(22:11):
feelings about it, and we are here to talk about
what you're feeling.
Speaker 4 (22:16):
A lot of the times, with divorce, especially two years out,
the feeling on the parent's side is well, we're getting
over it. But divorce is a live issue for kids.
They go back and forth. It's real for them every day.
It's live for them every day. It doesn't go with
so I think her dad, especially has to have an
(22:37):
ongoing dialogue with her that mentions the divorce, mentions the separation,
the difficulty of the back and forth, the missing her mom,
because that has to be legitimized.
Speaker 5 (22:47):
That does actually make sense because they never talk about
it at all, and the kids sometimes do mention I
hate having to switch houses all the time, and it's
not responded to, and I certainly don't say anything to that,
So I think that would be very helpful.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
And when you say it's not responded to, you mean
their dad doesn't respond to it. That's correct, yeah, right,
So part of our advice is about how their dad
can talk to the kids about what's going on, because
it's always the unspoken thing that creates it comes out somehow,
So people cannot speak about something and think what's not
(23:21):
going to come up.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
Well, it does come up.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
It comes out, especially with kids through behavior, so it's
really important for him to talk about it. I was
also struck by the fact that you said that your
boyfriend wants you around more. Part of it is obviously
he wants to be with you, but part of it
is that something he's having a little bit of trouble
managing being a single dad. So part of it is
(23:43):
having the dad talk to the girl and the boy
because he needs it as well, even if he's not
acting out. And part of it is the two of
you having a conversation about what really is going on.
And I don't know how much the two of you
are talking about the fact that you don't want to
move in partly because you're enjoying your life right now.
(24:04):
And one last piece of advice would be that there
seems to be some much conflict between the parents and
it would really help this girl manage her conflict between
being loyal to the mom and also being able to
adjust to this new situation that the mom really doesn't like.
If you give her some wins, if you give her
(24:25):
the mom some clear wins. So is there something that
you can say positively about the mom?
Speaker 3 (24:33):
I know you haven't met her, but grilled cheese.
Speaker 4 (24:35):
Let's just start with grilled cheese. Yeah, so much better
than mine. You're absolutely right, or.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Even yeah, your mom's really pretty right, anything like, oh,
your mom must do that really well. I really like
the outfit that you're wearing. That did your mom get
that free? That's beautiful. It will help the girl with
that conflict so much if she knows that, Oh, it's
okay for Priscilla to say positive things about my mom,
So I can now say positive things about my mom too.
(25:02):
I don't have to have that conflict of who's better
and who likes whom better. They both have positive qualities.
Speaker 5 (25:09):
I have never heard that before, so that's going to
be I have never known how to address those statements
when she does say, then, my mom loves this kind
of music, and I'm.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
Like, okay, well you can say that's great, your mom
has really good taste in music.
Speaker 4 (25:23):
These are easy wins, Pricilla right, because it doesn't cost
you anything to say mom has good taste in music
and clothes, she makes good food, Like none of it matters.
But the girl will feel less in conflict, and some
of that will get back to the mom, and the
mom will feel less threatened, and so it'll ease things
all around. So you look for wins that you can
(25:45):
give mom whenever they're presented, and you will see that
it will ease the girl's tension in the moment, but
over time, especially, which I think is important.
Speaker 5 (25:57):
Yeah, you guys are geniuses. That's that to me. I
think will make her really happy.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
And it would help if her dad could do that too,
and you might want to talk to him about it.
That she needs to know that it is okay between
her parents, not that they're going to be best friends,
but that they can respect each other. If you're asking
her to be respectful to you and to her dad
and to her brother, she needs to see the adults
(26:25):
being respectful. And if she's not seeing adults, who can say.
We're not married anymore, but your mom has these great qualities,
and I really admire this about your mom. I understand
why you love your mom so much, and there are
things that we like and respect about your mom too,
even though your mom and I aren't married anymore.
Speaker 4 (26:45):
Okay, do you have any questions for us, Priscilla, I.
Speaker 6 (26:50):
Don't think so.
Speaker 5 (26:51):
This is a lot of really really great advice that
I'm looking forward to trying. And these are all pieces
that I didn't know what to do in these situations has.
Speaker 6 (27:00):
Come up, and they seem very simple. Like you said
in very quick wins, what.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
We're going to do is we're going to have you
try them, and then we're going to have you come
back and tell us how it went.
Speaker 6 (27:09):
That sounds great. Thank you so much.
Speaker 5 (27:11):
I'm really looking forward to putting these things into action.
Speaker 4 (27:20):
So that was really interesting because when we have patients
come and we give them specific suggestions, you can tell
who's hungry for them yet might not be able to
act on them, or be ready to act on them,
and who's hungry for them and eager to act on them.
Priscilla strikes me as egot act. I would anticipate she
(27:42):
would go and give an earnest try of putting all
these things into action.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
I agree with that, and from what I'm guessing, her
boyfriend might have been less eager. I have a feeling
that he's going to have a harder time implementing this
than she is. And I'm not sure how ready he
will be to, for example, give the wife props, or
how ready he is to talk about this with his daughter,
(28:08):
because it's really kind of remarkable that after two years
he has not had a conversation with her about this divorce.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
That's striking to me, right.
Speaker 4 (28:17):
And I always tend to think that if somebody is
not doing that, then they're afraid of doing it because
they don't think they have the tools with which to
do it, or they don't think they can handle it well,
or they don't literally know how or to what end
they would be doing it. But I think my hope
is that her coming and saying here are some tools,
here are some ideas we can both implement, and it's
(28:38):
both of us that need to do it. It's not
just you. You're not alone in this fight. That might ease
him into it, or reassure him a little bit or
give him a little bit more confidence.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
A lot of times parents are reluctant to bring up
something painful with their kids because they feel like if
I don't talk about it, they won't feel the pain,
and if I bring it up, I'm going to have
them experience pain that they aren't experiencing. It's like, let's
not talk about this thing that's painful to you because
I'm reminding you of your pain, which is completely wrong
(29:09):
because the kid doesn't need reminding of her pain.
Speaker 3 (29:12):
She's in pain.
Speaker 1 (29:14):
It'll be interesting to see what he's actually able to do.
So I'm excited to have her back me too. This
is dear Therapist, and we'll be back after a short break.
Speaker 4 (29:34):
I'm Guy Wich.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
And I'm Laurie Gottlieb, and this is Dear Therapists. Well,
let's listen to the voicemail.
Speaker 7 (29:41):
Hey Laurie and Guy, thank you for the advice you
gave me on how to have a better relationship with
my boyfriend's six year old daughter. I have been able
to put some of the things that you suggested into play.
The biggest game changer for me and I think her
was how to respond when she was yelling at me
or calling me harsh names, or more recently, telling me
to get out of her house. Since she makes those
(30:02):
statements pretty suddenly, you said to say something like, it's
okay if you don't want to play with me or
you don't like me right now now, but it's not
okay how you're talking to me. I said that exactly,
and she stopped immediately. I'm not gonna lie. It was
really hard.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
I was really.
Speaker 7 (30:18):
Nervous saying it to her because if she didn't stop,
I had no game plan on what to say next.
But it has worked every time. Of course, she didn't
behave that way just once. It's usually each time I
see them there is an outburst like that. So that
sentence has been my go to and it's been easier
to use each time. Just getting it to stop has
(30:38):
been really helpful. There's still lots of things that need
help and guidance with her. She is going to be
talking to a therapist to help her with her emotions
and what seems to be a lot of anger. I mean,
she's only six, and we really want to help her
because I can't imagine she likes feeling like this. We
still have no plans on living together, which is what's
best for me and his daughter and I still do
(30:59):
have really great moments together that have been and I
think sometimes continue to be overshadowed by those really tough times.
But thank you for helping me see that she is
probably feeling a connection with me and struggling with that
betrayal in her mind to her mom. So we're all
working on ourselves and hopefully that means a better family dynamic.
(31:20):
So thank you again.
Speaker 3 (31:25):
I really feel good about how she took the advice.
Speaker 4 (31:29):
It definitely sounds like Priscilla has a new arrow in
her quiver and she's robin hooding all over the place
with that arrow, as she should. And I think it's effective,
and I think that's what's helping her calm down, that
she found something that works.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
Yeah, and I think her situation is so relatable, not
only to people in blended families, but just as a parent.
Sometimes your child will say something so provocative and you
want to react in that moment, And what she's getting
really good at is just taking a breath and realizing
that what she's feeling doesn't necessarily match what's going on,
(32:04):
and that there's much more to it and it's much
more complicated.
Speaker 3 (32:06):
And so when she responds more calmly.
Speaker 4 (32:09):
Girl, And I'm really glad to hear that despite all
these difficulties, she hasn't lost sight of the good moments
since she's still able to enjoy them, as is the
girl and I'm sure the entire family.
Speaker 3 (32:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Sometimes I think people feel like they have to change
everything at once and they get overwhelmed by that. But
you can see here that when you change one small thing,
it can have a huge ripple effect.
Speaker 4 (32:37):
That brings us to the end of our show for
this week. Thank you so much for listening.
Speaker 3 (32:41):
You can follow us both online.
Speaker 1 (32:43):
I'm at Lorigottlieb dot com and you can follow me
on Twitter at Lorigottlieb one or on Instagram at Lorigottlieb
Underscore Author.
Speaker 4 (32:52):
And I'm at Guywinch dot com and on Instagram at guywinch.
If you have a dilemma you'd like to discuss with us,
big or small, email us at Lorimguy at iHeartMedia dot com.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
Our executive producer is Christopher Hasiotis. We're produced and edited
by Mike Johns. Special thanks to Samuel Benefield and to
our podcast Fairy Godmother Katie Couric.
Speaker 4 (33:16):
Next week, a man who left his wife for the
love of his life wonders if that makes him a
bad person. Prob me.
Speaker 3 (33:22):
I did leave my wife for another woman, but the
rumors that were about were as nasty as can be
and set the timeline very differently than what reality was.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Dear Therapist is a production of iHeartRadio.
Hey to your Therapist listeners. It's Lori and Guy and
we have a quick update.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Many of you have told us that you get something
new out of each episode when you listen to it
again the second or third time. In fact, when we
listen to the episodes again, we also get takeaways we
didn't remember.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
We're They're therapy is like that too. There are so
many learning moments in a session, and it's difficult to
absorb them all at once. So while we're not taping
new episodes right now, we are offering you our most
popular sessions as encores so that you can continue to
gain value from them.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
We love doing the Therapists episodes, but we're each busy
with new and exciting projects that we hope you will
love just as much.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
I have a new advice podcast called Since You Asked,
which you can get wherever you listen to podcasts.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
And I have a new book coming out. It's called
Mind Overgrind, How to Break Free when work Hijacks your life,
and it will be published by Simon and Schuster. You
can find out more about it on my website.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
You can learn more about these on our socials. And meanwhile,
we hope you find these Dear Therapists sessions as valuable
as we have making them for you.
Speaker 3 (02:23):
Hey, fellow travelers. I'm Laurie Gottlieb.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
I'm the author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone,
and I write the Dear Therapist advice column for The Atlantic.
Speaker 4 (02:31):
And I'm Guy Wench. I wrote Emotional First Aid and
I write the Dear Guy Collumn for Ted And this
is Dear Therapists. This week we'll talk about the challenges
of blending families together. When young children are.
Speaker 5 (02:43):
Involved, I'll say, oh, everything is going fine, Maybe heay
is going to be a good day. And I certainly
don't know what to say when she's like, I hate you.
Get away from me.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Listen in and maybe learn something about yourself and the process.
Speaker 4 (02:55):
Hi, Laurie, Hey Guy, Ready for this week's letter. I
am great, Dear Therapists. I've been dating a single dad
for two years. We've known each other for thirteen years,
and we've reconnected after our divorces. I do not have
any kids and his are six and eight. We do
not live together, and I see them two to three
(03:17):
weekends a month. His son, he is eight, he's a sweetheart.
His daughter, the six year old, she hates me one
minute and loves me ten minutes later. This roller coaster
usually lasts throughout the weekend. She says mean things like
I'm fatter than her mom, or I make crappy grilled cheese,
or that she reminds me constantly that I'm not her
(03:38):
mum and I can't tell her what to do, even
though I don't discipline, I follow all the books that
say not to. I'm not trying to be her mum
at all. So how do I help this little girl
with a divorce or me? Or how do I at
least try to survive it? Being in my position? I
feel like I should love her, but I don't even
like her most days. Signed Priscilla.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
So blended families, even though they're not married.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Let's call them a blended family, because that's basically what
they are operating as. And they're really hard because in
any relationship, you're navigating the couple itself, but there are
all these other people involved. You have exes and children involved,
and the children are an integral part of the couple's relationship.
Speaker 4 (04:20):
And learning families takes time, often as he is, before
the family can feel fully comfortable and that they've made
the transition, and that's when it's happening almost full time.
Here she's there just a few weekends a month. But
what I think is that she's underestimating how it's going.
The fact that the boy is fine with her, the
(04:40):
fact that the little girl, ten minutes after she says
I hate you, says I love you and it's cool
with her, and I think she's perhaps having too high
a bar of how it should go.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Yeah, she's thinking to herself, well, why is the girl
acting this way when I'm doing nothing to try to
be her mom? And she can't imagine the kid's point
of view instead of thinking about why is she accusing
me of things that I'm not doing? To try to
understand what is actually going on with this little girl.
Speaker 4 (05:10):
Right, And I think that the only way she can
fully understand the little girl's point of view is to
understand the mom's point of view, because the girl is
representing her mom here in quite a significant way, and
so Priscilla needs to understand not just the girl's point
of view, but the girl's mother's point of view, so
she knows that when she's talking to the girl, she's
really talking to the mom. A lot of the time.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
That's true, she's so young. You think they've been together
for two years. And so the girl was four when
this couple got together. And I'm imagining that the mom
had concerns about how much this new woman was going
to be a maternal figure to her daughter. Would the
mom be left out? The age of the kids is
(05:54):
really important here too. Some people think, oh, when they're younger,
it's easier. In some ways, when they're younger, it's harder.
And I think we need to understand the system as
a whole. How is that different from the family system
they used to have, and also the system that they
have when they're spending time with their mom.
Speaker 4 (06:10):
And I'm also curious a little bit about the boy.
He doesn't seem to be a big player here at all.
He just seems to be fine with whatever. It could
be that the conflict with the girl is orienting Priscilla
towards the girl and she's ignoring stuff that might be
happening with a boy.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Yeah, we're talking about family systems. We should mention that
there's always an identified patient, what we call an IP,
and it might be that the girl is holding all
the symptoms for whatever distress. This disruption has caused and
she looks like the problem, but we don't really know yet, and.
Speaker 4 (06:42):
We'll get Priscilla in for a consultation after a quick break.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
You're listening to Dear Therapists for my Heart Radio.
Speaker 4 (07:03):
This is Deotherapists.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
Thanks for listening, So why don't we go and talk
to Perc.
Speaker 6 (07:11):
Hi?
Speaker 3 (07:12):
Priscilla, Hi, Yes.
Speaker 4 (07:13):
Thank you so much for coming on our show. We
really want to ask you a few questions about your letter,
and one of those is we wanted to get a
better sense of your boyfriend of the dad. What does
position in all of this? What does he do when
his daughter is criticizing you?
Speaker 5 (07:29):
Sure, when he's there, he's very good at saying you
know that's not very nice, please apologize. Sometimes he's not there,
then I don't tell him about it because I don't
want to be a tattletail. So if he is there
and he hears it, he does support me and he
lets them know that what she's doing is not right.
Speaker 4 (07:49):
Okay? And how frequent are these moments of oh, I
hate you and you don't make good Glucci sandwiches?
Speaker 5 (07:55):
I would say twenty five percent is her saying I
love you can you come play with me right after
a time that she has been pretty mean, But most
of the times that are difficult are about seventy five
percent of the time.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
Well, you're actually doing a really good job.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
And I know that sounds off because of the ratio
that you just gave us, but blended families are really hard,
and I think you have to remember that whatever is
going on with the kids has a lot to do
with what's going on in the family she is coming from,
and part of that family is her mom.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
And I want to be.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Really careful here not to criticize the mom, because the
mom probably has a lot of feelings about the fact
that she is not seeing her children all the time
now that there's another adult in her children's lives, and
that could be really hard on her. And the little
(08:55):
girl probably feels torn between seeing that her mother might
be struggling with this and also wanting to form a
relationship with you, but maybe feeling almost disloyal in doing so.
Speaker 4 (09:13):
So in essence, what the girl is representing is her
idea of what the mom needs her to represent, whether
the mom expressed that or not, wants to have to
do that or not. So you're not really talking to
the girl. A lot of the time you're talking to
the mom through the girl, and so it's important to
(09:34):
consider that because the girl is not just being rude
or defiant, she's actually being loyal, she's actually being loving
toward her mom. But once she has she's you know,
kind of checked the box, done her duty, then she
can afford to just be how she really feels with you.
Speaker 5 (09:53):
Okay, so that makes a lot of sense. And she
I think I have a hard time switching back and forth,
and I certainly don't know what to say when she's
like I hate you. Get away from me after we've
just been playing and say, oh, everything is going fine,
maybe today's going to be a good day, and then
obviously it's not until it is again maybe half an
hour later.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Priscilla, I'm wondering, what do you say in those moments when.
Speaker 6 (10:15):
She says the mean things.
Speaker 5 (10:16):
Well, sometimes I say I'm sorry, I don't hate you.
I'm your friend and I really like hanging out with you.
There are moments where I'm not so great and I.
Speaker 6 (10:24):
Say, well, why would you say that? I need to
know why why do you hate me?
Speaker 1 (10:28):
The important thing here to remember is that it's okay
for her to have the feelings that she's having. The
way that she expresses them is problematic, but it's okay
for her to feel how she feels. She doesn't know
what to do with these very big feelings that she's having,
and so trying to talk her out of her feelings
or trying to have her back up her feelings with
(10:50):
I need three bullet points on.
Speaker 3 (10:51):
Why you hate me.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Yeah, she's not able to do that. She's six years old,
and so I think first of all, what would feel
so good for her is for her mom and her
dad to be talking to her about what is going
on and how are you feeling about all of these changes,
and when she says I don't like Priscilla, that they said,
you don't have to like Priscilla, but you do have
(11:13):
to be kind and respectful, and it gives her the
freedom to be okay with the conflict of I'm having
these feelings I don't like the divorce, and I also
kind of I'm starting to like this other woman.
Speaker 4 (11:29):
Yeah, you said, so, we we're playing. Everything's very nice,
and suddenly I say, you know the next thing because
we're having a good time, and she's like, no, I
hate you. I don't want to talk to you. She's
saying that because you just had a good time. She
hates you after she feels that she loves you. The
picture of what the I hate you statement is about
(11:51):
hit in fact, means oops, I love you too much
right now now I need to hate you because I'm
going to feel guilty.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
The thing is that for her liking you is dangerous.
The minute that she feels that she likes you, this
alarm bell goes off in her and she doesn't know
what to do with it. And you say, that's not
going on with the boy. What's his relationship like with
his mom compared to what the girl's relationship is like
with her mom?
Speaker 5 (12:17):
From what I hear, because their mom doesn't want to
meet me, he's very affectionate with her too. And it
seems that his daughter is very touch and go with
the mom.
Speaker 4 (12:27):
Too, meaning that she's having conflict with her mom as well.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Yes, it's interesting too that you've been dating for two
years and there's this co parenting situation, but that she
has not wanted to meet you, and yet her kids
are spending a significant amount of time with you. How
does your boyfriend talk to you about what's going on
with his divorce.
Speaker 5 (12:54):
It's a pretty contentious situation. They aren't in a oh
I think what I would say a co parenting situation.
They are in a limited speaking situation. Most communication happens
via email.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
And how do you and your boyfriend talk about your
role in this emerging family that you're creating with the boyfriend, I.
Speaker 5 (13:14):
Don't know that we talk about my role and that
he says, I'm very happy that you're in their life.
I'm happy that you're a friend for them, and he
wants me to be comfortable spending time with them.
Speaker 6 (13:23):
Of course, I think he does very much want me
to live with them. I have put the brakes on
that because I don't think it's a good time right now.
Speaker 5 (13:29):
So that's how we've talked about it.
Speaker 4 (13:32):
Look, you are in the toughest position in the blended
family scenario because her parents are not communicating other than
in emails. They're not really having a productive conversation to
try and co parent and help this girl deal with
the emotional conflict the divorce presents, so she's left to
deal with it on her own with messages from mom
(13:55):
that you are not to be greeted. Then here's what
sets up a loyalty conflict. If nothing else, and there's
plenty else. That's why this girl is in conflict. She
likes you, she has fun with you, yet mom doesn't
like you, and so it's not okay, really like you,
and so she can get over that a lot of
the time, but not all of the time, and not
even most of the time. And I just want you
(14:16):
to have a very different perspective on what's going on,
so that you see it that way rather than I
must be failing or the girl must be too difficult
because we're not.
Speaker 5 (14:25):
Connecting all the time, both of those things. Actually, I
think I think both of those things, and I have
never thought of it that way. And honestly, in the
first time in two years, I feel bad for her
because I have not felt that way the whole time.
Speaker 6 (14:40):
It has just been difficult.
Speaker 5 (14:41):
So thank you for I think, allowing me to feel
bad for her. And I don't know if there is
a role for me to help her in this.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
We're gonna talk in a second and come up with
some advice for you and will help you manage that
a little bit. But first I had one more question.
I want to know more about your relationship with your boyfriend.
Tell me about the relationship and tell me about the
quality and the depth of the kinds of conversations that
you have, because it sounds like this divorce is a big, big,
(15:09):
big part of his life, and I don't know how
much you talk about that. Is that compartmentalized so that
you guys have this romantic time together, but you're not
really talking about this whole other piece of his life
that's going on in the background. How are things between
the two of you, And in terms of even talking
about your life goals? When he says I want you
to move in with me and you're not really ready,
(15:30):
do you have the same ideas about what you both
want in the future.
Speaker 5 (15:34):
So, yeah, we've known each other for thirteen years. We
liked each other back then, timing wasn't right, and you know,
over the years we loosely stayed in touch, and then
we got married and divorced, and I've been divorced for
two years. He roughly the same time. It was official,
about a year ago. The first year, I think we
were very much, yes, trying to be focused on building
a relationship for us one to two days a week,
(15:56):
which is kind of tough, so we didn't talk too
much about those other things. But now that his divorce
has been final and they're having some he and his
ex wife are having some difficulties dealing with custody issues
and child support and school choices and all that sort
of stuff. I hear about it, and I think it's
been starting to weigh on us as a couple, because
(16:17):
I think he is missing me a lot and he
wants me to spend more time with them, and just
having two years out from a divorce, I'm really finally
for once I had a difficult marriage. I'm very happy
in my life where it is right now that I
get to have some peaceful time on my own, I
get some time with him, we get some time as
a group together. I know he wants it to happen
(16:37):
right now because he really wants me to be there
and he loves having his time with me, and he
has expressed to me that brings him peace and calmness
when I'm there with him or there with him and
his kids, And I would agree. I love spending time
with him. I think we do have the same goals
as far as living together. I'm looking at it as
a couple years down the road when because in my mind,
(16:59):
the child's situation settles down a little bit, and I
didn't have kids in my life, so I think I'm
still trying to adjust to having kids and what that means.
I did not go off around little children either, so
there's also a lot for me to adjust to that too.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
Did you plan on not having children?
Speaker 6 (17:18):
I did.
Speaker 5 (17:18):
I was married to an alcoholic for ten years, and
so I chose to not have kids with him for
a very good reason. And then just kind of a
custom myself to saying I'm not going to be someone
that is able to have kids.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
So it wasn't that you didn't imagine yourself as a parent,
it was that you didn't imagine yourself in that situation
as a parent.
Speaker 3 (17:36):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
And let me just ask you, what is your boyfriend's
relationship with his daughter.
Speaker 5 (17:41):
Sure, in the beginning, I saw how does he love
this child so much when she's so difficult to him
as well? I think she acts out quite a bit,
pushes his boundaries as well. I think we all walk
on eggshells around her, waiting for her to kind of
erupt with some sort of behavior.
Speaker 6 (17:57):
So he really really.
Speaker 5 (17:58):
Wants to try to have a better relationship with her.
Speaker 4 (18:01):
If the girl were easier, would you consider moving in sooner?
Or is it's not that necessarily that's stopping you.
Speaker 5 (18:09):
Oh, such a good question, because I have asked myself
that I almost have said if she wasn't in the
picture and it was just me and my boyfriend and
his son, would I want to do it. I think
the timeline would be shorter, but I still wouldn't be
ready to move in right now. I am still enjoying
my life as it is right now.
Speaker 3 (18:31):
So guy, let's give Priscilla some advice.
Speaker 4 (18:35):
So you know, it's an interesting thing that's going on
because to us, it seems that everyone's struggling here. It's
not just the girl who's struggling or you that's struggling
because of her. Everyone seems to be struggling, And again,
completely normative given the situation. Divorces are difficult, Blended families
are difficult, but when a divorce is really contentious and
(18:57):
there's not a lot of co parenting or good communication
going on between the parents, it does make things trickier
and more difficult for all and often especially for the kids.
So the first thing we want to suggest to you,
is that you and her dad need to have a
different way of responding to the girl when she's having
(19:19):
these difficult moments because they come out angry, they come
out hostile, but what's beneath both of those is pain.
She's in pain. She has no idea why or what
to do with it, and so it's okay to say
to her. And this is the most important part to
give her permission to be upset, to be angry, to
(19:43):
feel whatever she's feeling, because when you say to her
that's not nice apologize, or when her dad says that,
it really doesn't give her the room to have the
feelings that she's having. So it just frustrates her more
because it's in denial of what she's feeling. So it's
more important that you and the dad respond by saying,
I know you don't like my grilled cheese, and I
(20:04):
know you might be missing mom now and missing Mom's
grilled cheese, and that's okay. You're allowed to me, you're
allowed not to like mind grilled cheese, but you do
need to say it more nicely, you know, the messages
like that let her know that you get that she's
in distress. But have a limit attached to them about
but it's not okay to express it this way, and
(20:26):
maybe there are other ways you can express it and
then offer those to her in the moment, and she
will use them or not, but over time they'll begin
to fold more into her repertoire.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
I think she understands that there's a lot of conflict
between her parents right now, and that there probably aren't
a lot of positive things being said about her mom.
And so it sounds like some of the comments that
she makes to you set up a comparison between you
and the mom, like you're fatter than my mom, her
grilled cheese is better. It's not just a comment about
(20:59):
your body separate from her mom, or your grilled cheese
separate from her mom.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
It's a comparison, and.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
I think that you need to keep out of that comparison.
And so if she says, you know, you're fatter than
my mom, you can say, yeah, you know, she's spin
her and we both like our bodies. You can talk
to her more generally, maybe not in that moment, about
what we do when we are sad or mad or anxious,
(21:28):
and really give her that vocabulary. It sounds like neither
of her parents has really had that conversation with her,
And so if you can approach her with more compassion
in those moments, and I know it's hard to do
because she's saying things that are very provocative, but if
you can have a lot of compassion for the pain
she's feeling that made her say what she said, I
(21:49):
think that you will respond to her in a way
that allows her to have to have the feelings that
she's having. But again, if her mom's not going to
have that conversation with her, her dad certainly needs to.
Which is I know that it's hard going back and forth.
I know it's hard getting used to a new person.
And I know at times you're going to have feelings
about that. Your mom, me, your brother, we all have
(22:11):
feelings about it, and we are here to talk about
what you're feeling.
Speaker 4 (22:16):
A lot of the times, with divorce, especially two years out,
the feeling on the parent's side is well, we're getting
over it. But divorce is a live issue for kids.
They go back and forth. It's real for them every day.
It's live for them every day. It doesn't go with
so I think her dad, especially has to have an
(22:37):
ongoing dialogue with her that mentions the divorce, mentions the separation,
the difficulty of the back and forth, the missing her mom,
because that has to be legitimized.
Speaker 5 (22:47):
That does actually make sense because they never talk about
it at all, and the kids sometimes do mention I
hate having to switch houses all the time, and it's
not responded to, and I certainly don't say anything to that,
So I think that would be very helpful.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
And when you say it's not responded to, you mean
their dad doesn't respond to it. That's correct, yeah, right,
So part of our advice is about how their dad
can talk to the kids about what's going on, because
it's always the unspoken thing that creates it comes out somehow,
So people cannot speak about something and think what's not
(23:21):
going to come up.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
Well, it does come up.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
It comes out, especially with kids through behavior, so it's
really important for him to talk about it. I was
also struck by the fact that you said that your
boyfriend wants you around more. Part of it is obviously
he wants to be with you, but part of it
is that something he's having a little bit of trouble
managing being a single dad. So part of it is
(23:43):
having the dad talk to the girl and the boy
because he needs it as well, even if he's not
acting out. And part of it is the two of
you having a conversation about what really is going on.
And I don't know how much the two of you
are talking about the fact that you don't want to
move in partly because you're enjoying your life right now.
(24:04):
And one last piece of advice would be that there
seems to be some much conflict between the parents and
it would really help this girl manage her conflict between
being loyal to the mom and also being able to
adjust to this new situation that the mom really doesn't like.
If you give her some wins, if you give her
(24:25):
the mom some clear wins. So is there something that
you can say positively about the mom?
Speaker 3 (24:33):
I know you haven't met her, but grilled cheese.
Speaker 4 (24:35):
Let's just start with grilled cheese. Yeah, so much better
than mine. You're absolutely right, or.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Even yeah, your mom's really pretty right, anything like, oh,
your mom must do that really well. I really like
the outfit that you're wearing. That did your mom get
that free? That's beautiful. It will help the girl with
that conflict so much if she knows that, Oh, it's
okay for Priscilla to say positive things about my mom,
So I can now say positive things about my mom too.
(25:02):
I don't have to have that conflict of who's better
and who likes whom better. They both have positive qualities.
Speaker 5 (25:09):
I have never heard that before, so that's going to
be I have never known how to address those statements
when she does say, then, my mom loves this kind
of music, and I'm.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
Like, okay, well you can say that's great, your mom
has really good taste in music.
Speaker 4 (25:23):
These are easy wins, Pricilla right, because it doesn't cost
you anything to say mom has good taste in music
and clothes, she makes good food, Like none of it matters.
But the girl will feel less in conflict, and some
of that will get back to the mom, and the
mom will feel less threatened, and so it'll ease things
all around. So you look for wins that you can
(25:45):
give mom whenever they're presented, and you will see that
it will ease the girl's tension in the moment, but
over time, especially, which I think is important.
Speaker 5 (25:57):
Yeah, you guys are geniuses. That's that to me. I
think will make her really happy.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
And it would help if her dad could do that too,
and you might want to talk to him about it.
That she needs to know that it is okay between
her parents, not that they're going to be best friends,
but that they can respect each other. If you're asking
her to be respectful to you and to her dad
and to her brother, she needs to see the adults
(26:25):
being respectful. And if she's not seeing adults, who can say.
We're not married anymore, but your mom has these great qualities,
and I really admire this about your mom. I understand
why you love your mom so much, and there are
things that we like and respect about your mom too,
even though your mom and I aren't married anymore.
Speaker 4 (26:45):
Okay, do you have any questions for us, Priscilla, I.
Speaker 6 (26:50):
Don't think so.
Speaker 5 (26:51):
This is a lot of really really great advice that
I'm looking forward to trying. And these are all pieces
that I didn't know what to do in these situations has.
Speaker 6 (27:00):
Come up, and they seem very simple. Like you said
in very quick wins, what.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
We're going to do is we're going to have you
try them, and then we're going to have you come
back and tell us how it went.
Speaker 6 (27:09):
That sounds great. Thank you so much.
Speaker 5 (27:11):
I'm really looking forward to putting these things into action.
Speaker 4 (27:20):
So that was really interesting because when we have patients
come and we give them specific suggestions, you can tell
who's hungry for them yet might not be able to
act on them, or be ready to act on them,
and who's hungry for them and eager to act on them.
Priscilla strikes me as egot act. I would anticipate she
(27:42):
would go and give an earnest try of putting all
these things into action.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
I agree with that, and from what I'm guessing, her
boyfriend might have been less eager. I have a feeling
that he's going to have a harder time implementing this
than she is. And I'm not sure how ready he
will be to, for example, give the wife props, or
how ready he is to talk about this with his daughter,
(28:08):
because it's really kind of remarkable that after two years
he has not had a conversation with her about this divorce.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
That's striking to me, right.
Speaker 4 (28:17):
And I always tend to think that if somebody is
not doing that, then they're afraid of doing it because
they don't think they have the tools with which to
do it, or they don't think they can handle it well,
or they don't literally know how or to what end
they would be doing it. But I think my hope
is that her coming and saying here are some tools,
here are some ideas we can both implement, and it's
(28:38):
both of us that need to do it. It's not
just you. You're not alone in this fight. That might ease
him into it, or reassure him a little bit or
give him a little bit more confidence.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
A lot of times parents are reluctant to bring up
something painful with their kids because they feel like if
I don't talk about it, they won't feel the pain,
and if I bring it up, I'm going to have
them experience pain that they aren't experiencing. It's like, let's
not talk about this thing that's painful to you because
I'm reminding you of your pain, which is completely wrong
(29:09):
because the kid doesn't need reminding of her pain.
Speaker 3 (29:12):
She's in pain.
Speaker 1 (29:14):
It'll be interesting to see what he's actually able to do.
So I'm excited to have her back me too. This
is dear Therapist, and we'll be back after a short break.
Speaker 4 (29:34):
I'm Guy Wich.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
And I'm Laurie Gottlieb, and this is Dear Therapists. Well,
let's listen to the voicemail.
Speaker 7 (29:41):
Hey Laurie and Guy, thank you for the advice you
gave me on how to have a better relationship with
my boyfriend's six year old daughter. I have been able
to put some of the things that you suggested into play.
The biggest game changer for me and I think her
was how to respond when she was yelling at me
or calling me harsh names, or more recently, telling me
to get out of her house. Since she makes those
(30:02):
statements pretty suddenly, you said to say something like, it's
okay if you don't want to play with me or
you don't like me right now now, but it's not
okay how you're talking to me. I said that exactly,
and she stopped immediately. I'm not gonna lie. It was
really hard.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
I was really.
Speaker 7 (30:18):
Nervous saying it to her because if she didn't stop,
I had no game plan on what to say next.
But it has worked every time. Of course, she didn't
behave that way just once. It's usually each time I
see them there is an outburst like that. So that
sentence has been my go to and it's been easier
to use each time. Just getting it to stop has
(30:38):
been really helpful. There's still lots of things that need
help and guidance with her. She is going to be
talking to a therapist to help her with her emotions
and what seems to be a lot of anger. I mean,
she's only six, and we really want to help her
because I can't imagine she likes feeling like this. We
still have no plans on living together, which is what's
best for me and his daughter and I still do
(30:59):
have really great moments together that have been and I
think sometimes continue to be overshadowed by those really tough times.
But thank you for helping me see that she is
probably feeling a connection with me and struggling with that
betrayal in her mind to her mom. So we're all
working on ourselves and hopefully that means a better family dynamic.
(31:20):
So thank you again.
Speaker 3 (31:25):
I really feel good about how she took the advice.
Speaker 4 (31:29):
It definitely sounds like Priscilla has a new arrow in
her quiver and she's robin hooding all over the place
with that arrow, as she should. And I think it's effective,
and I think that's what's helping her calm down, that
she found something that works.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
Yeah, and I think her situation is so relatable, not
only to people in blended families, but just as a parent.
Sometimes your child will say something so provocative and you
want to react in that moment, And what she's getting
really good at is just taking a breath and realizing
that what she's feeling doesn't necessarily match what's going on,
(32:04):
and that there's much more to it and it's much
more complicated.
Speaker 3 (32:06):
And so when she responds more calmly.
Speaker 4 (32:09):
Girl, And I'm really glad to hear that despite all
these difficulties, she hasn't lost sight of the good moments
since she's still able to enjoy them, as is the
girl and I'm sure the entire family.
Speaker 3 (32:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Sometimes I think people feel like they have to change
everything at once and they get overwhelmed by that. But
you can see here that when you change one small thing,
it can have a huge ripple effect.
Speaker 4 (32:37):
That brings us to the end of our show for
this week. Thank you so much for listening.
Speaker 3 (32:41):
You can follow us both online.
Speaker 1 (32:43):
I'm at Lorigottlieb dot com and you can follow me
on Twitter at Lorigottlieb one or on Instagram at Lorigottlieb
Underscore Author.
Speaker 4 (32:52):
And I'm at Guywinch dot com and on Instagram at guywinch.
If you have a dilemma you'd like to discuss with us,
big or small, email us at Lorimguy at iHeartMedia dot com.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
Our executive producer is Christopher Hasiotis. We're produced and edited
by Mike Johns. Special thanks to Samuel Benefield and to
our podcast Fairy Godmother Katie Couric.
Speaker 4 (33:16):
Next week, a man who left his wife for the
love of his life wonders if that makes him a
bad person. Prob me.
Speaker 3 (33:22):
I did leave my wife for another woman, but the
rumors that were about were as nasty as can be
and set the timeline very differently than what reality was.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Dear Therapist is a production of iHeartRadio.
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