EP 419: Dating Woes For High Achieving Women (Ft. Alison Wellington)

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Decisions Decisions. I don't think you should say
decision decisions. It sounded like you was talking to did
Kirsty You definitely say to welcome, Welcome to the new podcast.
Oh wait, you want to say together Decisions Decisions.

Speaker 2 (00:14):
Welcome everybody to another episode of Decision Decision. I'm your girl,
Mandy baka dot Beach.

Speaker 1 (00:23):
I'm your girl, Weezy, and we're back with another episode
with another guest. We are going to try to let speak.

Speaker 2 (00:29):
No, she gonna speak. She gonna put y'all onto some things.
She gonna maybe put us onto some things.

Speaker 1 (00:35):
I'm excited.

Speaker 2 (00:36):
But before we start this week's episode, if you haven't yet,
make sure you pre order our book, No Holds Barred,
a dual manifesto of sexual exploration and power So good.
That's right coming out June twenty fourth, and we need
your help to become New York Times bestsellers. And we
can only do that if you, guys assist with pre

(00:57):
ordering our book. So make sure you go wherever you
purchase books or wherever you listen to books now and
pre order our book. And Now, Baby but introdoxion of
de guess look at me accent I don't even know
what accents I am doing.

Speaker 1 (01:12):
Hunh.

Speaker 2 (01:12):
We have aligned with Alison, who is a certified dating
and relationship coach, a wife, a new.

Speaker 1 (01:19):
Mom, and congratulating both congrats.

Speaker 2 (01:23):
She focuses on single women and helping them find successful
relationships with secure partners that they deserve, specifically high achieving
women and.

Speaker 1 (01:36):
What is it busy ass women?

Speaker 2 (01:37):
But basically busy as busy as women who don't have
the time maybe to go on the speed dates, the
blind dates, the dates.

Speaker 1 (01:48):
Dating becomes hard when you're working.

Speaker 3 (01:50):
A lot, extremely time consuming, and extremely frustrating when you're
dating the wrong people.

Speaker 1 (01:55):
Swiping becomes frustrated.

Speaker 2 (01:56):
Like there's been times like where we've either been on
tour or just recording, and I'm like, swiping is a job,
talking to these motherfuckers and the DMS is a job,
and then setting up dates like ooh what am I.

Speaker 1 (02:08):
Gonna have a break?

Speaker 4 (02:09):
No?

Speaker 1 (02:09):
Sorry, your matchmaker, dating coach? What's what's the exact title?

Speaker 5 (02:12):
Yes, dating coach?

Speaker 1 (02:13):
Dating coach? Yes? So what's your ideal client? Is it
when they have someone of interest? Is it when they're
just starting.

Speaker 5 (02:20):
That's an excellent question.

Speaker 3 (02:21):
So ideally I like to work with single as a
dollar bill, single dollar as a dollar bill. So this
is a person who's not trying to heal from heartbreak.
They've moved on from the last relationship that they were
involved in. They desire commitment, potentially marriage, potentially children if
that's in their vision. But they believe in a committed relationship.
They believe in the institution of marriage, and that's what

(02:42):
they want for themselves.

Speaker 1 (02:43):
Why is the needing to believe in marriage important for
hiring a coach?

Speaker 5 (02:48):
Yeah, that's an excellent question.

Speaker 3 (02:49):
Again, So if you are serious about getting into a
committed relationship, you are serious about being dedicated to this person.
I believe in the institution of marriage. A lot of
the language that I use is going to be around marriage. Now,
my client doesn't need to be legally married or desire it,
but they have to desire committed relationships because that's what
I teach. I teach you how to navigate dating, both

(03:11):
online and offline. I teach you a questions to ask,
how to vet, how to discern, how to stick to
your standards.

Speaker 2 (03:18):
How do you define a committed relationship? Like, how do
you define that? Because so, say someone comes to you
and maybe a committed relationship doesn't end in marriage for them,
would you then not take that person?

Speaker 1 (03:32):
Oh?

Speaker 3 (03:32):
No, absolutely, I would still work with them.

Speaker 1 (03:36):
Like living together, does it mean monogamous? What's committed?

Speaker 3 (03:40):
Yes, so, committed relationship means that we are not seeing
anyone else and we are exclusively seeing each other with
the intention of being together for a very long time.

Speaker 2 (03:49):
If not, so, you wouldn't have a non monogamous I
would not.

Speaker 1 (03:53):
Okay, tell me what if there were someone because a
lot of men are non monogamous right now.

Speaker 5 (04:00):
You mean dishonestly or honestly.

Speaker 1 (04:02):
I mean I know that there's a lot of dishonest ones,
but a lot of women are defining themselves as ethically
non monogamous as well. If they were looking for a
man like that, do you think you could coach them
or do you think it would require a different skill set, because,
for example, I would assume if you're looking first, if
you're generally coaching people that are monogamous, it's probably difficult

(04:25):
to help them ask questions to lead into funding the
right ethically non monogamous partner. Yeah, So tell me what
if that person was like, I don't need a monogamous man.
I also am open. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (04:36):
So really, what it boils down to is I help
find I help people find folks who want what they want.

Speaker 1 (04:41):
Okay, it's just.

Speaker 3 (04:42):
Been in my experience and with my audience that what
my audience wants is a monogamous relationship. They don't want
to share the niggas, right, So in that case, I
can help you figure out what you want, and I
can help you find someone who wants the same things
as you. So in theory, yes, I could help someone
who wanted the same thing as their partner.

Speaker 5 (05:01):
I just haven't had that experience.

Speaker 1 (05:03):
We had a really interesting conversation with Lexpia a few
weeks ago where we were talking about NEO and Mandy said,
we were disagreeing. I don't believe the women he's dating
want to be one of five. I believe they want
to be monogamous. I think, especially after watching his conversation.
I can't remember what show he was on, but he
was like, these are my rules, and if they don't

(05:25):
like it, you know, they can go. This is what
they have to do. I agree. I don't think most
women want ethically non monogamous relationships, mainly because they can't
fuck another man, and so the rule always goes, you
can be with another woman, and I think they settle.
Do you find in your experience that if you've had
any women in previous non monog mis relationships, that was

(05:45):
the case.

Speaker 3 (05:46):
I don't think most women want to share. I think
that you're absolutely right. I think that those women want
a come up, and so they see Neo as a
come up, and so they're going to accept whatever his
rules and regulations are because that's what they like. I
don't even think that they're genimately interested in him romantically,
So I'm not even confident that a relationship with him
would last very long. I don't even know what if

(06:08):
they would even define this thing as a true relationship.
I think that women in those particular instances, the one
that you just mentioned, are taking what they can get.

Speaker 2 (06:16):
Do you think they're I agree with Neil's girlfriends. I
only because and if I have to reiterate myself, y'all
can go back. I'm gonna say the same thing I
said from that conversation. I think that with the platform
we've curated, with the relationships we've shared specifically on this

(06:38):
platform with the people, and mind you, I know his
girlfriends and there's a friendship there, they're friends with each other,
So I hate even just keep bringing them up because
I do have a personal relationship with them. But I
think it's unfair to assume that a woman who does
share is settling or just doing so to be happy

(07:00):
because that's all she can get.

Speaker 1 (07:01):
When we've sat here and.

Speaker 2 (07:03):
Expressed that we enjoy sharing our partners, we enjoy threesomes,
I enjoy going to the sex club.

Speaker 1 (07:09):
I enjoy these things.

Speaker 2 (07:10):
And we also talk about how in ethically non monogamous relationships,
they're customizable.

Speaker 1 (07:15):
Everyone's boundaries are different. There's not an umbrella term.

Speaker 2 (07:18):
So because you don't focus on that, I don't want
to lean too far into that as much as I
want to lean into talking about how to date as
a successful woman. Yes, with you not being someone who
caters to an ethically non monogamous person and for us
being a platform that champions non traditional relationships, I don't
want to continue at this point to throw out the

(07:38):
narrative that people are settling or want to be monogamous
when they're choosing as well.

Speaker 1 (07:43):
So be ethically no monogamous, also be honest about we
can be breaking barriers and stigmas, and we can be
the women that enjoy sharing partners and also know that
the rest of the let's just say American women that
listen to the show.

Speaker 5 (07:58):
It's not the norm.

Speaker 1 (07:59):
It's not a people.

Speaker 3 (08:00):
And I understand it's not my air of expertise, So
that gets my air of expert you know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (08:04):
It's like we can see here in debated, but you
don't really lean into that. And so then I want
to get into because I know our demo is this,
whether they're monogamous or not, our audience, our demo is
high achieving ass fucking women.

Speaker 1 (08:17):
So how do you define that? Like, how do you?

Speaker 2 (08:20):
And I don't want to Kevin Samuel's this shit out,
but what would be considered a high achieving woman?

Speaker 3 (08:25):
Yeah, so a high achieving professional woman is a woman
who is doing well for herself financially right now. So
that's going to depend on where she is in the country,
right But someone who is established, who would define themselves
as established, they are doing well for themselves. They are
able to not only pay their bills, they're able to travel,
they're able to save, they're able to live life the

(08:47):
way that they see fit. Financially, they are financially sound okay, Oh,
that's our audience.

Speaker 1 (08:53):
Now. When it comes to women that are doing well,
a lot of the conversation is that women that are
in high power jobs or whatever or financially independent are
always like, I don't need a nigga for shit. You
always hear men saying these are why those women are single.
How do you make sure to coach correctly, make sure

(09:14):
we're feeling validated, buy our money, feeling like accomplished, but
also not being so submissive. How do you coach for that? Right?

Speaker 3 (09:23):
So I'm going to go back and say, that's what
they say, and the days are the ones who can't
afford that lifestyle anyway, So I don't listen to the days, right.
So the men who have the time to argue in
the comments are the ones who aren't busy working. They're
not financial, they don't tend to be financially sound or
financially secure, right, So I'm not too concerned about them,
But it doesn't mean that they're not being heard, so

(09:44):
I'll still address it. What I find is that busy
professional women don't tend to be assholes. They don't tend
to be extremely difficult or lack submission or any of
those things. The issue is is that they are not
going to follow foolishness. They're not going to follow any
old person, any old where or how because they are

(10:05):
intelligent enough to realize and recognize that that plan is
unreasonable that can't be executed. I have a better plan,
follow along with my idea, and let's do this thing together.
So that's where the real issue comes along. I want
busy professional women to recognize that listening to the folks
online is a waste of your time. There are plenty
of professional, polished, reasonable men who exist, who are more

(10:28):
than happy to date someone and be in a relationship
with someone who is their equal.

Speaker 1 (10:32):
I'm glad to hear you say there's plenty, because you know,
we talked shit a lot and joke on this pod
and act like the pool is so scarce, and it
feels good to hear someone say that it isn't it isn't.

Speaker 3 (10:42):
It isn't it's a scarcity mindset. And again, going back
to that original point, there's a lot of conversation that
talks about, you know, marriage is terrible, relationships are so hard, right?
Who are the people who are saying that it tends
to be the people who are either not married or
they are actually unhappy in their marriage.

Speaker 1 (10:57):
Adult.

Speaker 3 (10:58):
So the thing is is that the happy married people
are too busy being happily married.

Speaker 5 (11:03):
To be on somebody's internet to be arguing.

Speaker 3 (11:05):
The men who are professional, the men who are working hard,
the men who have a plan, the men who are executing,
are too busy to be on the internet to be arguing. Hey,
I actually like a busy professional.

Speaker 1 (11:14):
I like that. What is conversation that girls are having
with their other girlfriends about how marriage sucks or relationship sucks?
Do you think we're kind of infecting each other with that?

Speaker 4 (11:24):
Oh?

Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yes, absolutely?

Speaker 3 (11:25):
And again, the happy people are too busy being happy.
I think it's fab who said like happy, hose ain't hating,
and hating hose ain't happy? Like when you are so
busy being upset, all right, like mad random Brooklyn shit right,
So when you're so busy being overwhelmed, upset, frustrated, you're
gonna want to share that. And then many times when
you're happy, you're too busy being happy. I mean, of

(11:45):
course you'll share something. Hey, my husband brought me some flowers.

Speaker 5 (11:48):
That was so nice.

Speaker 3 (11:48):
But I'm not gonna talk to you for twenty five
minutes about how beautiful these flowers are. If he pissed
me off, that's an hour long voice no conversation, right, I.

Speaker 1 (11:55):
Mean, I think that's the difference too.

Speaker 2 (11:57):
Right, there's discerning what you share with your home girl,
and a lot of times you want to vent about
things that bother you or things so unfortunately instead of
like boasting about all the great things, especially if your
friends aren't in healthy relationships or are single, you go
to them to vent just when things are going bad. Yeah,
So that, again, I guess, creates this idea that everything

(12:20):
sucks and everything's bad.

Speaker 3 (12:22):
But you know the other side of it too, is
that those men are literally busy.

Speaker 5 (12:26):
So not they're too busy to be on the internet.

Speaker 3 (12:28):
Right, but they also are literally building their empire. They're
working fifty sixty hours a week, they're looking in investments.
They don't have the time to be socializing as much.
So that might mean that the guys who are in
the club every Friday that ain't shit. Yeah, you're gonna
meet them frequently if you're in those places.

Speaker 2 (12:45):
Can I ask you a question, does it make sense
for a woman who say, is at a C suite
level or who's very busy and all these things, specifically professionally,
do you actually feel like her match is an equally busy,
equally successful man.

Speaker 3 (13:02):
Many times, really many times, And I'm going to tell
you why, really many times. Number one, that gentleman is
going to understand and appreciate her struggle.

Speaker 5 (13:11):
So remember, there was a couple of years ago where
there was a.

Speaker 3 (13:13):
Conversation online about entrepreneurs only dating entrepreneurs and not want
to state the nine to five man.

Speaker 1 (13:18):
Someone said, yes, she didn't want to date to nine
to five.

Speaker 3 (13:20):
And even though that wasn't received well because maybe the
messaging was off or the tone was off, it is
a reasonable conclusion. Now, I'm not saying that you only
date the C suite, you only date the entrepreneur, you
only date the investor, but they can have an appreciation
for your schedule, for your hustle like no one else can.
It doesn't mean the nine to five man can't be
supportive and can't see and value it, but it's a

(13:41):
lot easier with someone who's literally doing the work.

Speaker 1 (13:44):
That you do, even though there may be a lack
of time. The two corporate two different things. Oh yes,
I'm sorry, Yes, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 (13:53):
Yeah, that nine person is different than a person who
say partner and staff, because corporate, I call it corporate
in nine to five the same thing. So I guess
two things here. Like I'm just thinking about my last relationship.
Although it wasn't successful, he was very understanding of work.
My relationship wasn't successful.

Speaker 1 (14:13):
He was he was high up in a bank, tech
level and was working virtually so he could support me,
travel with me whatever. I found that dating that nine
to five person, which I considered him to be, was
successful even though I was on my entrepreneurial journey, because
he still had the language to be able to talk

(14:34):
business with me. Now, my partner is in real estate.
He's an investor, so he's got way more time on
his hands because he's not doing something every single day.
Same amount of money, good money, But yeah, I don't know.
For me, I think it's the time. So that's why
when Mandy made that comment, we've been talking a lot
about our relationship. He's like, yo, if I was still

(14:54):
a nine to five guy, I don't know how successful
our relationship could be because he's traveling with me so
much to be on set to do different things and
support me and so it's like how much I don't know?
Is there any way where the high powered woman could date?
Now my man isn't making less, but he isn't in
the office like I am, Is there a chance that

(15:14):
someone can go?

Speaker 4 (15:15):
Oh?

Speaker 5 (15:15):
Yes, absolutely absolutely?

Speaker 1 (15:16):
So could you ever recommend that these high powered women
not date down but maybe aren't shooting for the stars
like where they're at? Is there advice with that too?

Speaker 2 (15:26):
Like do you say, do you speak to a woman
and be like, actually, maybe you should consider the guy
who works at Target?

Speaker 1 (15:33):
Is that ever advice? I don't know about Target? Okay,
thought we not?

Speaker 2 (15:38):
We can shot on Target right now because they remove that,
so fuck Target. But also, like, do you recommend like
Weezy said saying, okay, maybe just getting someone who makes
just enough?

Speaker 1 (15:50):
Like I dated a bartender right before this, before these
two men who are successful at what they do, and
there was a big gap. Yeah, you hated that shit.
It was verre what he does. It was really difficult,
like he loved his difficult for who I feel like
both of us And I'll say why. There were times

(16:12):
where I wanted to maybe go on vacation somewhere and
I knew it may not be as feasible. I was
uncomfortable with making recommendations. I felt like he had something
in his head with keeping up. He would constantly remind
me that he was happy with his life, as if
he was almost fearful that I wanted him to be
more ambitious. Yeah, I felt like there was a bit

(16:33):
of a clash. Yes, So that's why I'm curious what
that looks like. And he was a confident man in himself.
But I do think it can get a little bit
weird when the person you're dating is doing a lot more.
So I would ask then for those women that may
pass by the good guy or the great guy. And
he was a very good man, loyal. It just didn't

(16:55):
work out. Can it work?

Speaker 3 (16:57):
So I don't recommend someone who is making significantly less
as a woman. I don't recommend significantly less. And so
one may define significant that's fifteen K, twenty k, thirty
k okay, right, or thirty k, depending on how much
they have right.

Speaker 1 (17:13):
Oh, you know, the significant would.

Speaker 5 (17:15):
Be have right right, So it depends on how much
you make right.

Speaker 3 (17:17):
But I wouldn't. I wouldn't recommend it. And for the
exact reason that you said. A lot of the conversation is, well,
the woman is going to not respect the gentleman and
she's going to speak down to him, and he's also
going to give her a hell of a show. And
sometimes that hell of a show looks like okay, big
money or will you have the money? So you do,
And this constant trying to prove yourself, we're constantly trying

(17:38):
to done well. I don't think that's a good idea,
and you should write like it causes a lot of
conflict from either side. This is not a woman's issue
or a men's issue. It becomes it can be problematic
on either side. So I say, stay away from someone
who makes significantly less, and that's starting at like thirty
thirty thousand dollars different, right, or and again, which makes

(18:00):
a lot of sense if we even say the woman
makes a hundred k a man making seventy k with taxes,
or say he has other children, which is a case,
especially if you're dating in your thirties.

Speaker 2 (18:10):
And I talked about this on another episode. A lot
of men have other children. There's child support, there's their
own bills, there's a lot of things coming out of that.

Speaker 1 (18:17):
I mean, there was something a friend told me recently
that I liked she makes more than her partner. Yeah,
I don't know by how much, but she said, I
always wanted my household income to be this amount, and
now it is, so I'm not going to complain about
him making less than me when total we can afford this,
And I really like that mindset. Let's just say the

(18:39):
number is she's making I don't know, two hundred and
he's making one twenty five right now, their households at
three hundred. They can get whatever type of vacations, etc.

Speaker 5 (18:48):
A man her husband. I think they're engaged now, Okay.

Speaker 1 (18:51):
But I liked that she said that because it gave
me a lot of insight as to how people see
finances when they're in a unit. And I can appreciate that.
And I know a lot of women kind of feel
like they're getting taken when that happens, you know. So
beyond that conversation of money you brought up, an were earlier.
He was the last time we had a dating coach
on was there anything you championed and kind of were like,

(19:14):
uh some of his episode where you were like, yes,
he's right.

Speaker 5 (19:16):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (19:17):
So the deadlines, the timelines, I'm on par with in
terms of how long it should take a gentleman to
ask a woman out on a date, how long it
should take to get into a committed relationship, how long
and again we're talking about thirties and older. How long
it should take someone to decide whether or not they
want to commit to you.

Speaker 5 (19:32):
How right?

Speaker 3 (19:33):
All of those those timelines I think are reasonable. An
issue I have in the general dating and relationship space
for certified people who actually have degrees and they do
the work. Now people who create content and talk shit
just for the sake of talking shit, right, One of
the issues I have with the general dating space. And
it's hard, but there are sometimes huge generalizations, huge generalization,

(19:56):
and we just made a whole bunch of them.

Speaker 1 (19:58):
But right, we just did huge generalization.

Speaker 3 (20:01):
So you know, Nigerian men function like this and Black
American men, right, and so I like that.

Speaker 5 (20:08):
And so there's a lot of conversation that.

Speaker 3 (20:12):
Just groups millions of people together, and it's really hard
for you to be able to do that.

Speaker 5 (20:18):
And that's that's the important thing about coaching.

Speaker 1 (20:20):
Right.

Speaker 5 (20:20):
So we're here in a conversation that's going to be
an hour and change.

Speaker 3 (20:23):
When you're working with someone, working with them for eight
weeks to six months. So the specificity of their life
is going to impact their results.

Speaker 5 (20:31):
That's the beautiful thing about coaching.

Speaker 3 (20:32):
But overall, it's really hard for me to listen and
engage in conversations that make such sweeping indictments of millions
of people.

Speaker 1 (20:40):
What about the thing about dating in different cities? How
did you feel about that? What do you think about that?
Swiping in different cities too?

Speaker 3 (20:46):
I think that there's some there's some legitimacy to that.
But I will say this, I believe that there is
more than one soul. Uh make me yes, I think
there's more than one. I don't believe that there's only
one person. I just don't believe, like would do that
to you, that if you blink too long you missed
the guy who just walked past your life.

Speaker 1 (21:06):
I mean, I've dated an amazing woman. There was nothing
wrong with her. We were just in two different places
and amazing men. So I feel like, yeah, I would
agree with you. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (21:15):
So for that reason I shy away from can date
in Atlanta?

Speaker 1 (21:20):
Ain't nobody here? Can date in Houston? Nobody here?

Speaker 3 (21:22):
Like every every woman that I see online says that
about their city. So then how so, then, how come
last year there were over three million weddings in the
United States? If they ain't nobody good in La Miami,
New York, like Hawaii, nobody said, how come there's over
three million winns last year? Clearly two people decided that

(21:43):
this is worthy and that's just weddings. Forget about long
term committed relationships, engagements and all.

Speaker 1 (21:47):
Why do you think the marital numbers are going down
in the United States?

Speaker 5 (21:51):
Oh, for the same reason why we're here today.

Speaker 3 (21:54):
Because women don't need the protection and the provision of
men in order to function in society.

Speaker 1 (22:02):
Society, we don't need.

Speaker 3 (22:03):
It anymore, right, and so you can talk about like
nineteen seventy four where that was when women need it
up until the point where women need a permission to
have a credit card over our bank account. Right, Like,
we don't need men to function in society, and so
there's no pressure to have to do it.

Speaker 5 (22:18):
Now we do it if we see fit.

Speaker 1 (22:20):
We love that. Why do you encourage me? I love that? Yeah?
If you guys, I don't know. If it's it's probably out.
By now.

Speaker 2 (22:27):
We had to talk on selective ignorance about where marriage
sits in modern day Era, and you allowed me to
give my thoughts on marriage, and you came with some
really like facts on why the union is still very important.
And we still I agreed to disagree by the end
of it, because you know, it takes a lot to

(22:47):
convince me.

Speaker 5 (22:48):
But have you ever been convinced?

Speaker 1 (22:50):
No, not a much? Ye? Yeahs.

Speaker 5 (22:54):
Why I would love to know the value of the
institution of marriage.

Speaker 1 (22:57):
Yeah, that's what it's gonna happen.

Speaker 3 (22:58):
Okay, So again, busy profession women don't need men like literally,
we do not need men to in society, Okay, But
it's still an amazing wealth building tool. So the opportunity
for you to be able to execute and to create
goals and to be able to achieve those goals is
so much faster and easier and better when you have
someone to do it with. So like the actual literal

(23:20):
financial benefits. So I'm just gonna leave with that because
that's okay.

Speaker 1 (23:23):
Just like my friend said, right, household is.

Speaker 3 (23:25):
So right, so I can purchase all right, perfect example,
I was looking to purchase a home in twenty eighteen.
I'm from Brooklyn. I don't want to leave New York
City just yet. Right, I couldnot afford a home in
any of the five boroughs by myself.

Speaker 5 (23:38):
So at that time, with.

Speaker 3 (23:39):
My little stinky w two, all I could do is
get the closest to New York as possible, which was Yonkers.

Speaker 5 (23:45):
Right now, I was looking at a house in Yonkers.

Speaker 3 (23:46):
I'm talking to my mom and she says, well, you
know you're dating this guy who's not my husband. You
dating this guy Andrew. You want to ask him if
y'all want to put your maney together? I said, Mommy,
you're gonna let me buy a house with a man
who's not my husband? She said, I mean an old school,
traditional West Indian woman. I mean, if you could put
the funds together and you can live where you want
to live and be where you want to be, it's
something to consider. So I said, hey, babe, do you

(24:07):
want to buy a house together? He said sure. He
wasn't gonna push me, he wasn't gonna pressure me. He
wasn't gonna make me do anything I didn't want to do. Eventually,
we got engaged, we got married. We ended up closing
on the house like a month after we got married
in Brooklyn.

Speaker 1 (24:19):
Couldn't couldn't you la from Mama form an LLC with
somebody like it.

Speaker 2 (24:25):
To me, that's I think that is my problem also
with the idea of marriage again with my trauma and
PTSD from actually going through the end of a business
relationship and having to go through the divorce of splitting assets.
If it's just a money business just the first point. Ye,
but yes, but I'm saying to me, even that idea
and there's religious reasons, and there are financial reasons, and

(24:48):
to me, for the financial reasons that leans into it,
could just be a partnership on paper, y'all could open
an LLC.

Speaker 3 (24:54):
Yes, you absolutely open it that way, and then the
breakup is just as stressful and it is overwhelming. But
then with the partnership with the LLC, per se, now
we're going into the emotional support, the emotional stability, the
accountability of this other person. I just had a baby
four and a half months ago. Okay, I risked my life.
I am not risking my life for any old body

(25:18):
who can't at the minimum say, Alison, my intention.

Speaker 5 (25:22):
Is to be with you for the rest of our lives. Alison.
Here's a big ass rock to prove it. Alison.

Speaker 3 (25:28):
I'm gonna profess this in front of all of our
friends and family.

Speaker 5 (25:31):
We're gonna get this legally documented.

Speaker 3 (25:33):
So that I can have the comfort to say, Okay, well,
since you've promised these things to mean, you've given me
these tokens to prove.

Speaker 5 (25:39):
That you are serious, then I'm prepared to risk it all.

Speaker 1 (25:43):
I'm not a relationship that are single moms today and
we could say he'll fuck you over if you're married. Whatever. However,
for me, I make jokes a lot. It's very doctor
umer Is, but I really do think we're kind of
wipe out a lot of black families, a lot of
black children. I like to joke about how the buck

(26:04):
stops here with me as the mixed kid, but black
families being married, black families building generational wealth. I'm not
trying to put another black little boy or girl into
the system with figuring out through documents, who's going to
get them for two weeks, who's going to do this.
I want them to be having my husband's last name.
I want them to be built into a family that's married,

(26:24):
and I think it really is important. We just sat
with Les Alfred from She's So Lucky used to be
Balanced Black Girl Pod and when she said her parents
were still married. It was mind blowing to me because
I don't hear it that often anymore. Yep, Like, I
think it's very special, and I think when someone can
honor their relationship and their love that way and their child,
I really do believe it's more commitment. I think that

(26:47):
I would love to see more of us championing that
because I have so many friends that are doing well,
and because they are, they're taking the vac seat on
wanting love or families any.

Speaker 2 (27:05):
I do want to lean into. Because we're still talking
high achieving women. I want to get back to marriage
and all those things. But I have a hypothetical that
I think can lean us into also distinguishing what our
desires end up really being as high achieving women looking
to date. So here's our hypothetical. I want y'all to

(27:25):
play along too. If you're sitting at your desk or
in your car, all the things, so here we go.
You finally believe you've met the man of your dreams
and he just proposed to you. However, he has a
once in a lifetime opportunity that requires him to move
overseas for a year.

Speaker 1 (27:43):
While he wants you to join him.

Speaker 2 (27:46):
You feel it's a crucial time for your own career advancement.
You must choose between supporting his ambitions and or potentially
jeopardizing your own career progression. Would you, as a coach
advise someone to do in this.

Speaker 3 (28:03):
Situation, That's an excellent question. I would advise the gentleman
to go overseas. Okay, please pursue whatever your dreams are.

Speaker 5 (28:12):
Get it done.

Speaker 3 (28:13):
I'm staying my black ass here, Okay, I'm gonna continue
to do what I've been doing. It's a year that
is a joke in the comparison of the lifelong partnership
that we intend on having. What is one year out
of forty plus more that we could have together. You
go do your thing. I'm gonna stay here, will fly
every other month.

Speaker 1 (28:32):
It'll work.

Speaker 5 (28:33):
It's not a big deal.

Speaker 2 (28:34):
Now, what if it is to him and there's an
ultimatum like that's where the question sayt like do you
say for your own career?

Speaker 3 (28:40):
It's an ultimatum, it's a it's a I want you
to be with me, mm hm.

Speaker 1 (28:45):
And if you don't.

Speaker 2 (28:46):
Come with me for this year, maybe that year is
a lot, mind you. We wolf said it takes a
year to even know if he likes a bit, you
know what I mean. Yeah, So don't be shaking shaking
your head leafting over there. To me, one year is
a lot if I look at where I was just
one year ago, so many things have changed. Yeah, again,
having a friend who woke up and had breast cancer

(29:08):
one day, Like seeing my friend literally go, my friend DeAndre,
we had Thanksgiving.

Speaker 1 (29:14):
This next Thanksgiving she had a whole baby.

Speaker 2 (29:16):
Like, There's all of these things that realistically though, happened
within the year of time.

Speaker 1 (29:21):
So if this man is saying, yeah.

Speaker 2 (29:23):
This is a long time for me not to be
with my partner, and you're choosing your job to stay here,
I don't know.

Speaker 5 (29:28):
And he's choosing his job to go overseas, right, right.

Speaker 3 (29:31):
And so that's why that goes back to the conversation
of making sure that the people that you're dating understand
and appreciate the work that you do, so that that
a gentleman, ideally a gentleman like that would not put
you in that position. But let me answer your question,
because I hate when people give hypatheticals a no answer
and they give the other option. So what I would
say is, I don't think that they are appropriately yoked.
I don't think that they make it, because that's why

(29:52):
I said ultimatum.

Speaker 5 (29:53):
Okay, we're not even, we're not married, we don't have children.

Speaker 3 (29:56):
He is proposed, right, he proposed, and we're already setting
up for ultimatums for things that are practical, like things
that we can work through. It's I know you said
that one year three but come on here, I agree,
and the.

Speaker 1 (30:08):
Scheme of things is one year.

Speaker 3 (30:10):
And you're telling me that if I don't put my
career on hold to trapes around the world with you
for your career, not you know, I need to care
for my mom, like this is my job, for your job,
I can ask.

Speaker 2 (30:20):
You a real question then, just because to me it's
a long time. To a lot of our listeners, it's
a long time. Okay, I may not be able to
get away from my job because I'm a high achieving
woman more than maybe three or four times throughout the year,
because I'm a busy person.

Speaker 1 (30:34):
Right.

Speaker 2 (30:36):
Is there then the conversation around sex. Now, I know
you you deal with monogamy. Is it realistic to also
expect a partner to hold out or a year or
months on end because you don't have the ability to
be in the same city or same country. Even that's
what this hypothemy is giving. Like what then becomes the
conversation about my needs sexually?

Speaker 1 (30:58):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (30:59):
Wait, especially all right, if we're talking about more traditional relationship,
we're talking about child bearing age, there are going to
be seasons that are sexless medically, right and energetically.

Speaker 5 (31:15):
So what you're telling me is you can't wait two months?

Speaker 3 (31:18):
But get the doctor told me I had to wait
too much to If you regard right, there's gonna be
times where we cannot do this thing for whatever reason.
So you're telling me you can't wait.

Speaker 1 (31:28):
Ye, here's the problem, outrageous. What we're talking about sexual
needs to imply that someone is so thirsty they're going
outside of your initial rules or like the model of
your relationship, that's fucked up. Like what fucking weak ass
nigga can't wait too much? That's the same right now?

(31:49):
I mean that's what I said. No, no, no, no, no, no,
My man maybe not being able to wait too much,
and I probably can't wait too much because that's what
the fuck we do. But if let's just say we
talk about all the time closing our relationship during pregnancy,
let's just say I'm sick or something like that, and
you had to get pussy that bad. What a fucking

(32:09):
slap in the face to me.

Speaker 5 (32:10):
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (32:11):
I really think a lot of the times when we
think about time, we need to spend away the fear
of someone being with someone else just because we're unavailable
due to work and goals. Hey, no, when you were
reading this, I was gonna say the word ultimatum. I
don't agree with ultimatums for someone who loves me. Yeah,

(32:31):
I don't like when someone won't compromise for me. I
don't believe you should ever sacrifice, But knowing you can't
make a compromise for me, lets me know you don't
give a fuck. I agree, So I'm good. Yeah, if
there's ever like, deal with it, break up with me,
that type of talk, that's that manipulative, narcissistic like, I'm
good on you, right. So, I think a year in
the grand scheme is small if you're comparing it to

(32:54):
forty years. And I've also had successful long distance relationships
where I was comfortable and happy. I know that's also
finances too, being able to leave. Yeah, I'm gonna tell
you right now, if I really like my job too much.
I'd be like, Okay, maybe I'll go live and do bay.
I would, I'll practice being a housewife. Guess what else
I would do. I'll practice do on my side hustle.
Every high powered woman I know, even if they're in corporate,

(33:16):
they've got a dream about some side thing they want
to do. I would then say, hey, if I move there,
I want you to support me and this side venture.
And that's where the extra money goes into. I think
there's a lot of ways. However, I do understand women
feel like they have to sacrifice for a man a lot.
I would choose my career. I'm staying too, like you said,
I would stay and and my I love my career.

(33:37):
I would.

Speaker 2 (33:37):
If there's an ultimatum, then, like you said, he's just
not the one for you.

Speaker 3 (33:41):
Right, and you're setting yourself up for a shit show
of a life. If this is just your fiance, and
now the expectations that I have to give up everything
to chase your dreams, this is only going to become
more problematic.

Speaker 1 (33:52):
Yo, that's right. A lot of the men today that
are quote unquote high value I used to kind of
joke about how they really don't date women that got
shit going on. But now I kind of see why. Yeah,
of course, because you really really do need someone who
can be available to you every single second, you know,
know what I mean?

Speaker 3 (34:11):
They want that, right, they do what A woman probably
would not be attracted to a gentleman who could just
drop anything and everything, unless like, unless he works remotely, right, Like,
I don't think most women would be attracted to a
gentleman who could just trapes around the world following them.

Speaker 1 (34:27):
Of course, yeah, that would be what the do you
have your own life?

Speaker 5 (34:30):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (34:30):
I don't want that. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (34:31):
But then but also on the same token, there's a
lot of conversation about these again high achieving men that
they would want someone who can easily just travel, who
could leads you just But then sometimes they also want
someone that they can have intellectual conversation, who understands and
appreciates the nature of the game you are sharing.

Speaker 5 (34:48):
Like even though your partner.

Speaker 3 (34:50):
Works quote unquote nine to five, he understands business. He
understands Oh yes, so the guy or the real estate gentleman.
He understands what it looks like to invest, he understands
what it's like to double down, how to make sure
that you are scaling your business. He understands the language
and he's excited about it.

Speaker 1 (35:08):
Right.

Speaker 5 (35:09):
He wants to go to conferences, he wants to know
what's going on. So again we talked about generalizations. You're
finding your guy. It's about you finding your person.

Speaker 3 (35:18):
And that's why hiring a coach is ideal because I
don't want you wasting the time. You don't have dating
people who are just inappropriate matches, not bad people. Right,
the bartender wasn't a bad guy. He wasn't an appropriate
match for you. I want to get into our reactionary.

Speaker 2 (35:36):
I'm gonna play a clip, and I want to know
how you would navigate this conversation with someone that you coached.

Speaker 1 (35:45):
Let me get my thoughts together. Yeah, what can you
repeat that? Yeah? How heavy has it been for people
trying to critique? Is this real? Is this for show?

Speaker 5 (35:56):
It was never a fake.

Speaker 1 (36:00):
My encounchment with God was real.

Speaker 4 (36:03):
I was just really just in a space where I
was dating somebody.

Speaker 1 (36:08):
And I'm not going to say any names, but.

Speaker 4 (36:10):
And I'm thankful for this person because it was never
that I never believed in God. It just wasn't really
close to him, and it was somebody that was in
my life that had an influence. And you know, I
was so focused on being a wife and being loved
on and being wanted that I was like, Okay, well
I have to change who I am in order for
this person to accept me. And I was more so

(36:32):
focused on that versus my walk with God. I was
doing it more for what that person wanted, you know.
So I'm like, okay, well maybe if I changed my
image on Instagram or I change how I am, then
I'll be his wife or I'll do this. So it
was more so like, okay, Alexis, are you ready for this?
But I really wasn't ready. And it's not saying that

(36:54):
I wasn't ready to walk with God. It's just I
wasn't doing it the right way. I was more so
doing for somebody else. So it just happened overnight. So
next thing you know, I'm on the internet telling the
world like I stopped doing this, I stopped doing that,
I stopped doing that. But this is who Alexis really was,
and I was changing myself for somebody else and not
for me.

Speaker 1 (37:15):
So I wanted to ask.

Speaker 2 (37:17):
Basically, she went on a podcast and admitted to changing
her religious beliefs and becoming a Christian in order to
appear more as a wife for this specific person that
she was dating, and he still ended up leaving her.
So at the end of this, she says, I did
all of this, I changed all the ways, everything he

(37:37):
said he wanted. I felt like I became and he
still left me. And so I want to know the
conversation that you have with anyone that you're coaching, if
they're currently or if they start dating someone, and maybe
there's a difference in religious beliefs, a difference in political values,
a difference in morals. Do you feel as though those

(37:58):
people with differences in those places can be together? Do
you feel like a woman can convert or can change
those and become a wife or a man and that
and that that's a healthy way to do it. What
would be your advice with that? Absolutely not, absolutely not
absolutely not to everything. You just do not change nothing
about yourself. So for somebody else, okay, absolutely not.

Speaker 3 (38:22):
So through my coaching process, the first thing that we
go through is getting clear on what are some of
the behaviors and traits that you exhibit that you love,
and then what are some of the behaviors and traits
that you exhibit that you don't love so much.

Speaker 2 (38:34):
How often are women able to give you that second part?
Oh yes, they're able to say what they're bad things?
Oh yes, for the women that you talk to. What
are maybe some of the most common traits that women
are able to address about themselves?

Speaker 3 (38:47):
Argumentative? Okay, argumentative? I come from that background of being
a very argumentative person. I should have been a lawyer.
I don't know what the hell I'm doing. My dad
told me that when I was ten, So yes, all right,
so being argumentative and I'm still working on it.

Speaker 5 (39:01):
That's one thing.

Speaker 3 (39:02):
Especially we're talking about people who are like lawyers and government,
So that's one issue that they work on that they're
actively working on with me and through therapy. Another issue,
which is ironic, would be poor spending habits, Like you
can make a shit ton of money and have poor
spending habits, and that makes being in a relationship more
difficult than what it should be. And so that's how
I frame it. What are some of the behaviors and

(39:23):
traces you exhibit that makes being in a relationship with
you more difficult than what it should be. So poor spending,
poor spending habits being argumentative and then for some.

Speaker 1 (39:32):
Folks being needy right Like it could be.

Speaker 3 (39:36):
Mother wounds, it could be daddy issues, but there's something
about this person that makes them realize and they've been
actively told that you rely on me too much, like
an unhealthy attachment style unhealthy.

Speaker 1 (39:54):
I'm definitely too emotional sometimes I can't get logical because
I'm so by something. I think I'm very unavailable, Like
I know that's not a characteristic, but it's very hard
for me to show up for things because of my time.
I'm definitely too emotional.

Speaker 2 (40:13):
Yeah, I would say my placement on importance of other people,
Like in terms of being in a relationship, I think
people question constantly where they stand, but I think it
comes from the unhealthy placement of a relationship or a partner.
Like so for me, my friends are always going to
come first. My family then is second, a romantic partner
will come third. And so I think being able to

(40:36):
still have them feel as though they have importance in
my life, but that I do care about them because
these other people come first. Outside of that, I would
also say I mean only because it was just talked
about in a conversation and it felt like the room
felt like it was a bad thing. I still don't
my need for space. I'm actually way more detached. I'm
not a needy person. I don't need to be up

(40:57):
under a man. I don't want them under me. I
don't want to feel like they have to consume my
whole life. And so for most men, I think a
lot of women show up that way. They want to
be around. They want the men around. They want the
man to show up with everything. They want the man
always to be around in dates and all this. I
don't want that at all. And that's a conversation I'm

(41:18):
currently having with my partner now, dam Babe, can have
more time with.

Speaker 1 (41:22):
You and me.

Speaker 2 (41:23):
I know I need a lot of alone time to recharge,
and it doesn't I can't recharge with a person.

Speaker 1 (41:29):
I have to recharge by myself. That's how I've.

Speaker 2 (41:31):
Learned, and I've learned that through therapy. So for me,
those would be my two things. Is really having a
person feel important in my life when they are.

Speaker 1 (41:40):
But I don't know if I have a good way
to show you.

Speaker 3 (41:43):
So that's the first thing. You need to identify. What
are some of the behaviors and traits. That's not too great.

Speaker 1 (41:48):
Right.

Speaker 3 (41:49):
Once they've identified those things, they recognize it's a problem.
It's not a gentleman who's coming to them that they
love so much and they want to be with so
badly and has identified this is your problem and you
need to fix it. They already know that coming into
the game, which goes back to the original question who
I like to work with? Single as a dollar bill.
So this is not we're not conforming and we're not changing,
and we're not transforming who we are for a particular person.

(42:10):
We're doing the work first recognizing that there's a behavior
that's undesirable and changing that behavior. Therefore, once we've done
that work, and we continue to do it as an end,
we continue to do that work.

Speaker 5 (42:22):
Once we start dating.

Speaker 3 (42:23):
We're finding people who are an appropriate match, who's equally yoped,
meaning they have the same or similar morals and values. Okay, right,
and either you can match how that person presents in
the world or you can complement it. So what does
that mean? My husband is a social socialite. He is outside,
he loves to be outside with his friends, he loves

(42:43):
to go out, he loves to drink, all the things
I like to.

Speaker 5 (42:45):
Be in my house. So that would be an opposite behavior.

Speaker 2 (42:48):
So those are opposite behavior, right, But Alison, what about
a Christian and a Muslim, right, A Republican and a Democrat?

Speaker 1 (42:55):
Right, those are like really.

Speaker 2 (42:57):
Staunch differences that lean into litical, the church all those things?

Speaker 1 (43:01):
Right? Can people in those opposite ends?

Speaker 5 (43:03):
I don't recommend it, you don't write.

Speaker 3 (43:05):
I literally had a client text me and say, text
me a profile of a gentleman, ask me some questions.

Speaker 5 (43:10):
I'm scrolling. I said.

Speaker 3 (43:11):
It says he's Buddhist, and you know that that's a no, no,
not Buddhism, but a different religion.

Speaker 5 (43:18):
I don't recommend it.

Speaker 1 (43:19):
That's so Crazyanism is the easiest I'm not Buddhist to
convert to. No, it's the easiest to align yourself with
because it's not another God. But it's a way of
life Jewish or Christian. By the way, my mom I
meant to speak when we were talking about Alexus. My
parents have been married thirty five years. My mom converted

(43:40):
to be with my father, and I remember when we
had a conversation about it. She started going back to church.
My dad's Jewish. She started going back to church, Like
when I was a teenager. I was like, is daddy
going to be mad? Like what do we are? We
doing something bad? And she's like, you know, your father
wanted me to convert because he really wanted to have

(44:00):
a Jewish wedding. Yeah, he wanted you to be Jewish.
This was something that was important to him. And I
didn't really care.

Speaker 3 (44:06):
And Judaism goes through the mom's line, so she had
it to be a jew and of for you, okay,
but she was like.

Speaker 1 (44:11):
But it didn't really matter to me. I just loved him,
wanted to be with them. So I actually think it
could if only one person's very well.

Speaker 3 (44:18):
So that's what I was just about to get to, right,
So my recommendation is not to date people of a
different religion unless you are prepared to convert.

Speaker 1 (44:27):
Now I know you think.

Speaker 5 (44:28):
Also just saying that because I said that.

Speaker 3 (44:29):
I No, that's unless you are prepared to convert. And
many times, like you mentioned with your dad, he may
have not been extraly passionate about Judaism in itself. But
maybe sometimes it comes with parental pressures. Maybe it comes
with the style of wedding, Maybe it comes to where
you can be buried, right, how the child.

Speaker 5 (44:47):
Is going to be raised.

Speaker 3 (44:48):
And so unless you were prepared to convert, which means
give up your identity, your religious identity, Y don't do
it because the individual may not have a problem, but
they mama and them do. And then now the relationship
is o or because the family has become.

Speaker 1 (45:01):
And also, if you know, it's kind of like Sex
and the City is the way that we can look
at it if anyone's ever seen it. I know I
bring up Sex and the City a lot, but literally
I think they were dating and falling in love. He goes, oh,
you're like perfect, but you know I have to marry
a Jewish girl. When people start saying things like that,
off rip, then I know. Yeah. I actually went on
a few dates with a guy who was praying before
most meals. Yeah, which didn't bother me at all. Well

(45:24):
actually a lot of my close friends are religious. However,
I only could think to myself, this is something I
know you want to share with someone. I know my
homegirls that pray with their partner feel so whole. I'm
going to make you feel empty. At some point, I
really believe that I could you let him go because
of that?

Speaker 5 (45:41):
Oh I let a nigga go uh, because he prayed
before me, not the prayers.

Speaker 2 (45:45):
I was talking to this football player last year and
he knew the podcast.

Speaker 1 (45:49):
He knew everything. We were talking.

Speaker 2 (45:51):
We were dming each other and I was like, ooh,
I was already thinking because he was good looking. I
was like, oh, we're gonna see da da da da.
And I was like, so, what are you looking for
in a woman? And he was like, oh, I want
a woman of God. I said, well, I'm gonna go
ahead and let you find her because the way in
which if a woman says, if a man says that,
I know you're looking for a woman that walks within

(46:12):
the word and goes to church maybe on Sundays and
does all the way.

Speaker 1 (46:16):
That your boyfriend wants marriage and kids and you don't.
So it's like, that's different than my identity.

Speaker 2 (46:22):
Those are once through traditions and things which I've also said,
and I've talked about this on the pod. I'll take
the ring, we could have the ceremony, he'll align with that,
but the children, children, we don't want it. And however
that looks when we cross that road. He's not looking
for kids until at least four to four or five
more years he's focused on his career right now, he's
for eight years different. What four years from now looks

(46:44):
like for him will be completely not the same. To me,
I'm still kind of in my ways. If four years
from now he's a completely different person. We've enjoyed each
other and he can go have kids like I don't
want to keep that's different though. I mean, you know,
I know I'm not going to church.

Speaker 1 (47:01):
I've been trying to go with my friends.

Speaker 2 (47:02):
I feel like they all motivational speakers. I don't want
to be a no cult. I don't want to be
a religious person. I was raised in Missions, I went
to church, I had Christmases sponsored by the church growing up.
My relationship to the church has changed, and I can't
be that for someone else.

Speaker 1 (47:17):
So I'm very aware, and I chose to walk away.

Speaker 2 (47:19):
I didn't choose to say and my boyfriend right now,
with him knowing how I feel about those things, he has.

Speaker 1 (47:25):
Every right to walk away from me and all allow it.

Speaker 2 (47:28):
He's we are really really and I'm not going to
say the L word because we've been not trying to
say the L word. We are enjoying the shit out
of each other. It's not for anyone else to understand.
But us just wanted to say that.

Speaker 1 (47:40):
So the religious part, don't.

Speaker 3 (47:43):
I'm not even the person is willing to convert.

Speaker 5 (47:46):
That's only thing that I think.

Speaker 1 (47:53):
So this is a good one.

Speaker 3 (47:55):
Uh, pre Trump, I really didn't take political belief systems
into account until recently, well until his parties, well, political affiliation, right,
I didn't. It wasn't a part of anything that I
taught about or considered too much as as being stringent, right,

(48:16):
being stringent and thinking that you shouldn't date one person
or shouldn't right, I didn't until twenty sixteen. And so
I've now added political affiliation with the same actually worse
or stronger religion, right, worse than religion, because you you
would have converted, like converted, you would have changed political parties.
With everything that we've seen over the last nine years,

(48:37):
you would have changed already if you wanted to change
in religion is different.

Speaker 5 (48:40):
Maybe you just weren't introduced.

Speaker 1 (48:42):
Come to my church, come to my temple, and you know,
but not when it comes to political the person needs
to be within.

Speaker 3 (48:50):
And now we can when I say within, that can
be like from liberal to moderate.

Speaker 1 (48:54):
But I need you to be very clear about who
you v even even in terms of friendships.

Speaker 2 (48:59):
Yeah me, Like, I'm not gonna hang with anyone who
has a lot of the same ideologies that align with Trump.

Speaker 1 (49:06):
I'm just not.

Speaker 2 (49:06):
We can't even be friends, bro, what are we talking about.
You don't care about my rights as a woman to
my body. You want like immigrants and people to be
sent back into their homes, minding my dad is here
on a green card. Like, there's just certain things that
I literally cannot stand by, And I don't even want
affiliation friendship wise to those people.

Speaker 1 (49:23):
Yeah, damn sure, don't want to open my legs to them.

Speaker 3 (49:25):
So political affiliation these days has to do with morals
and values. It's not about you know, how should the economy? Like,
it ain't about that shit anymore like now. It has
to do with morals and values than ever before. So
as a result, that person is not going to be
aligned with you anyway.

Speaker 1 (49:39):
So I don't know.

Speaker 5 (49:39):
If you guys watch Love is Blind, let.

Speaker 1 (49:43):
Me say love is not blind. Love is blind, but
longevity is not right, That's what we learned. I really
do believe they're falling in love with each other over
the phone or over the you know, theod I actually
really do believe it. I think that is a very
real thing. I think what happens is sustainability wise. When
you're having a tough time with someone, physical connection and

(50:05):
chemistry kind of fixes it. Yeah. I noticed whenever I
get a little annoyed with my boyfriend, he'll wink at
me or touch me in a way and be like,
why you were playing? Like you mad at me? And
it's like, now, if I don't want to fuck you,
how's that gonna work? So what love is blind? What
she's referencing is a really interesting moment. They were in
the pods and this guy said to what there were
two white people. She said, how do you feel about

(50:27):
Black Lives Matter? And he said, I don't really know
much about it. She's like, well, is that where you
were going? Yeah? Oh, I mean it was a big thing.
And she's like, well, what's really there to know? Like
it's human rights. He's like, I mean I don't know
all the facts. You know what?

Speaker 5 (50:39):
They go there once they use the other F word facts?

Speaker 1 (50:42):
What's interesting about that? And she ran to a black
woman to have that discussion about how she couldn't deal
with it, chose him out of the pods but didn't
marry him and said it was because of that.

Speaker 2 (50:52):
And it was like, well he told you in the
first few dates, Mab, when did you think it was
also religion too? If I'm not mistaken, there was another factor.

Speaker 3 (50:59):
She said, yes, well, she said that she'd be willing
to go to church on holidays and he said he
was fine with it. Her argument was is that they've
been out of the pods for two weeks and he
didn't do any effort or research around those topics that matter,
which I don't really know how much that is. But
the point is is that when someone is conservative in
this day and age, that's already telling you what you

(51:21):
need to do no in regards to your compatibility and
the end. So now I teach, I recommend, I suggest
it's not a good match.

Speaker 1 (51:31):
Are there any other maybe? Can you tell us some
uncommon matches I know we're nearing the end of the episode.
Uncommon matches that you've seen work. When I was reading
Esterray's book years ago, she said something about how black
women and Asian men were a great match. And I'm
just curious, like, where have you seen some successful ties,
whether there be jobs, religion, just something age, maybe older

(51:54):
women and younger men, Like have you seen some trends
lately That one's an interest.

Speaker 3 (51:58):
I thought you were gonna go the other directions, the
more obvious direction older men, younger women, and by younger
and again depending on how old the person is. You know,
I have a client who she is forty six and
the gentleman that she's dating is fifty seven. Okay, she
seems on part she is eleven years. I don't know

(52:18):
she was concerned about it. Is the point, she is
very well to do, and so again her dating someone
who if she wants someone who's close to her in salary,
who is as mature as she is, who doesn't well,
I mean men can have children pretty much any age,
but tends to not have young children. I'm telling her,
you need to do around ten years plus ten years,

(52:41):
which in this case he's plus eleven.

Speaker 5 (52:42):
Now there's other fact works too, I need to write.
So it worked out.

Speaker 1 (52:45):
I need the fitness.

Speaker 3 (52:46):
I need to know this health because I also don't
want you to be a caretaker at fifty five years
old to a sixty six year old man.

Speaker 5 (52:52):
But point being, I think.

Speaker 3 (52:54):
That large age gaps works well for busy professional.

Speaker 1 (52:58):
Women, So I was in either direction. No for older
older men.

Speaker 5 (53:05):
So busy professional women dating older men, But.

Speaker 1 (53:09):
What about professional women when they date younger Just let's
just say you have the money and you don't give
a fuck about.

Speaker 2 (53:16):
Indeed, I'm dating younger and we have some like I mean,
he's an actor, so I mean how we make money.
And it's funny because we'll both sit here and be
waiting on deposits the same way. I mean, I've never
dealt with a younger guy that was broke. I mean clearly,
I had a twenty two year old that played basketball
like things like that to me. There's also a trend

(53:37):
in what we're seeing in very successful women dating younger. Yeah,
and it seems to also be working. I know that
when I dated someone seventeen years my senior, and that
is way over the age gap that you just gave.

Speaker 1 (53:48):
I understand.

Speaker 2 (53:50):
He almost didn't even understand because like my lifestyle or
how I made money, He said, I made money on
the internet. He had no clue what I was doing
because he came from a completely different generation. And I
think even the younger guy now has more of an
understanding of what I'm doing. We see share dating younger.
Don't want to bring up Drea, but there's Drea. There's
a lot of successful women who have attached themselves to

(54:11):
younger men as well.

Speaker 5 (54:12):
Yeah, I think it depends.

Speaker 1 (54:13):
You know, Drea is in that bucket right. Well, that's
why I said I didn't. We don't have to.

Speaker 2 (54:17):
She just came to mind because that's what everyone's been
talking about. Yeah, but even like a share.

Speaker 3 (54:21):
Yeah, there, you are right that there are busy professional
women who don't care about because they're doing well for themselves.

Speaker 5 (54:27):
They don't care. However, like I said many times, it's
still going.

Speaker 3 (54:30):
To come out later on with the slick comments and
the you know you slept all day and it becomes
an issue that it didn't need to be if you
didn't pursue it. I don't reckon all right, let me
take a step back. Yeah, when you say dating, you
mean having sex, having fun? No, I mean like me,
commit a relationship.

Speaker 5 (54:46):
I mean a harsher like marriage, potential children.

Speaker 3 (54:50):
Sure, I would not recommend it. It doesn't mean it
cannot work. It doesn't mean it cannot work. I just
wouldn't recommend it, or the circumstances would have to be
where this gentleman younger. Yes, but he has proven he
is so much more mature than men his age, and
he's so much more established than men his age. It
would have to be some circumstances that would make this
thing be something that I would cosign.

Speaker 1 (55:10):
Got it. I will say this though, like just from
the two recent co dating coach not to compare it
in where it's just you know, it's good to hear
two differences. I like hearing that both of you are
kind of on par with financial status matching. And I
must say, even with friends at a moderate salary range,
I'm seeing them being together my married friends making around

(55:32):
the same, whether it be less or a lot. And
I get it because it really does help you one
not feel that. And I don't believe love should have competition,
but I can understand some men feeling emasculated. Yeah, and
I think it really is helpful to be able to
kind of have this even feel Yeah.

Speaker 5 (55:52):
Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 3 (55:54):
And then I think many times too, when you talk
about women very generally speaking, giving so much so not
only are we performing well professionally, but then we're also
wanting to make sure that our house is in order,
that we're cooking and cleaning if you're not hiring people
to do so. But then we're right, right, and then
we're planning everything, like every outing and every trip, so

(56:17):
we give and give and give, and then damn, you
can't even meet me financially. I feel like the nature
of women is that we give more than what we receive.
So if I'm already giving you more, right to everyone, right,
So if I'm already giving you more than I'm receiving,
and then you can't And you're a man, and that's
the traditional role of a man is to provide, and

(56:37):
you can't even meet me there, it's going to brew
a lot of conflict that then becomes bigger issues. Now
there's less sex, now there's a potential for infidel It
becomes a bigger issue when the root of the problem
is I'm mad because you're not performing on my level professionally.

Speaker 1 (56:52):
I've got a final question for you about fidelity before
I shouldn't. When you are seeing relationships budding or starting,
Let's just say someone is married and there is a
moment of infidelity. Being that high powered women don't need men,
how do you feel about forgiveness? There was a clip
we played on Horrible recently of doctor Umar. I know

(57:15):
I brought him up saying, if it's a good man,
if it was a mistake, if he wasn't abusive, if
he's financially stable, forgive him. I've heard some of my
male friends be like, some women are too, you know,
hard down with mistakes. Other women are like, fuck you out,
don't need you, I'm out. What would you say, Like
if there was a woman who was dating someone, whether

(57:36):
long term or getting married, and there was a mistake
he started texting someone maybe from work, they fucked it happened,
what do you do? So I'm.

Speaker 3 (57:47):
I was gonna say that, I'm going to say, I'm
going to say something that's contradictois.

Speaker 5 (57:50):
I'm going to say some stuff that's contradictory.

Speaker 3 (57:52):
So the first thing I'm going to say is it's
not a mistake, right, Like the process even if it
was a whore, like a literal whore.

Speaker 1 (57:58):
Right, Yeah, you've got to plan it out right. Come on.

Speaker 3 (58:00):
I so pulled up on on Pennsylvania Avenue and you
picked up.

Speaker 1 (58:06):
A horror, there was a process.

Speaker 3 (58:08):
You went to the ATM to take out cash like
you meditated.

Speaker 5 (58:12):
Come right, So it's not a mistake. It's a series
of choices and decisions.

Speaker 1 (58:16):
So I want to say that.

Speaker 3 (58:18):
With that being said, I am not quick to say
that you should end a relationship and definitely not end
the marriage off of infidelity, off of.

Speaker 5 (58:28):
One instance of infidelity.

Speaker 1 (58:30):
But do you think cheaters can stop?

Speaker 5 (58:33):
Yes?

Speaker 1 (58:34):
I do? You do? You don't cheater?

Speaker 5 (58:37):
No, I don't believe that.

Speaker 1 (58:39):
Why.

Speaker 3 (58:39):
I think that people decide to change their lives every
single day they make a decision. You change your eating habits,
you can change your sexual habits. People change elements of
who they are and how they show up in the
world every single day. You can absolutely choose not to
be a cheater anymore. Absolutely, I won't even blink on that.

Speaker 1 (59:02):
That might be a part two. Well, I would never
cheat that name, so maybe that's fair.

Speaker 5 (59:06):
Okay, so once a cheated, not a cheater.

Speaker 1 (59:09):
I really wouldn't evidenced right here. I think I just
didn't leave because it was a pandemic. I think I
don't know. I think I was being selfish. I think
I was doing what hurt people do doing it back.
But now even if I wasn't just in love, I
don't know if I could cheat. I've just got so
much language around. If I really wanted to sleep with

(59:30):
someone else, and if I really wanted other male attention,
I think I would know what to say. But cheating
seems so cheap to me now. My values of like
honesty are different even from when I was younger. The
things that I was honest about in a relationship or
insecure about, I wouldn't say. I don't think I could
ever cheat again. Actually no, yeah, yeah, yeah, I do
want to go back just a step. And men are different,

(59:53):
I think. No.

Speaker 3 (59:53):
I think people men or women like literally wake up
the next day like not even hard, like eating.

Speaker 2 (01:00:00):
But the people that I know cheated, it's a part
of them, like they are cheaters like. Which is why
my conversations with even my homegirls, which is why I
don't want to make this a man thing for my
homegirls who have cheated on all of their partners or
multiple partners or whatever it's I'm trying to convince them
that you are.

Speaker 1 (01:00:19):
Ethically non monogamous or not as able at all.

Speaker 2 (01:00:22):
I think that it needs to be introduced that you
are a non monogamous being because there are reasons for cheating.

Speaker 1 (01:00:27):
Also didn't make sense.

Speaker 2 (01:00:28):
But there's a lot of women that cheat that just
don't align with the fact that they're non monogamous being.
And again it's maybe an unlearning, it's a rephrasing, but
them holds be cheated and when I say it and
cheated on one, it and cheated on all it's like
a thing.

Speaker 1 (01:00:43):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:00:43):
Yeah, But to go back to the video in regards
to alexis about changing who you are for somebody that's unsustainable.

Speaker 5 (01:00:50):
It's never going to work. Okay, that's a bar.

Speaker 1 (01:00:53):
Yeah, that's a bar. Allison.

Speaker 2 (01:00:55):
Where can our listeners book you for a session? Yes,
get coached by you? Where can they find you? Where
can they follow you? Because you also put so much
information on your Instagram.

Speaker 5 (01:01:06):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:01:07):
By the way, all of this.

Speaker 2 (01:01:08):
Information will be in the description of this episode, so
go ahead and run it down, baby.

Speaker 5 (01:01:13):
Yes, absolutely so.

Speaker 3 (01:01:14):
Again, my name is Alison Wellington, certified Dating and Relationship coach,
and you can find me at a line with Alison
that's one l dot com and align with Alison on
every major platform Instagram, YouTube, TikTok.

Speaker 5 (01:01:27):
Everything that's right.

Speaker 2 (01:01:29):
And if you guys want to hear the episode with
me and Allison talking about the importance of marriage in
today in modern world, check out my other podcast, Selective Ignorance. Also,
if you guys want bonus episodes and all the things
here Horrible Decisions ain't go know well, we just saw
on Patreon, so go to patreon dot com backslash horrid

(01:01:49):
bled deciones. Also we told you at the top of
the episode, get your motherfucking book, Hope, get your motherfucking shit.

Speaker 1 (01:01:57):
By hold Somebody, No.

Speaker 2 (01:01:59):
Holds bar Manifesto, Sexual Exploration and Power. By the way,
if you are my friend, if I know you and
your birthday comes, this is what the fuck y'all all
get in this year. My motherfucking book is what's happening. Anyways, guys, Allison,
thank you so much for joining us. Y'all, thank we
thank you for tuning in to another episode of Decision Decision.

Speaker 1 (01:02:21):
See you next week.

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}EP 419: Dating Woes For High Achieving Women (Ft. Alison Wellington)