December 15, 2022 • 41 mins
Today’s episode explores one of the most important practices needed during this human experience. As we all experience our individual journeys one of the most invaluable offerings available to share with one another is, “grace”. This beautiful contribution allows for space, awareness, and forgiveness for others. Devi shares a brief visualization exercise to practice when working on extending grace to those that may have hurt us.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
M from grandmothers who whispered and their baby girl ill.
Two fathers on dimly lit street corners, instructing young soldiers
to always keep their eyes open. You be queen, you
(00:21):
were fired. You will pass through centuries on the hands
of your daughters. They called you wisdom. Proverbs on the
backs of diamond eyed school children who grew into hymnals
recited by amethyst holding urban philosophers who recited neighborhood commandments
out of the windows of restored Alchemedo chariots to keep
the warmth of their blood. Be wise, be smart, being black,
(00:46):
Opal Brown courts bloodstone and prayer. Be every form of
jim see. King told, scribe, scribe, told son, son, told wife,
wife told her daughter, and daughter told the as this is,
And the ancess told me that you would come to
give you wisdom. Thousands they said you would come, Dropping
(01:09):
Dropping the gim Hey, Welcome back to another episode of
the Dropping Gems podcast. I am your host, Debbie Brown.
As always, thank you for walking into the rooms, settling down,
getting rooted, getting connected. This is a soft place to land.
(01:30):
We explore higher consciousness on this show and ways to
make it applicable, tangible, and transformative in our everyday lives. AH.
At the time of this recording, Wow, it is the
holiday season, so we are in the thick of a
lot of different kinds of energy. And something I've been
(01:52):
thinking about a lot is grace. I've been thinking about
all the definitions of grace, all ways that we may
personally define it, may personally apply it to our lives.
And I've also been thinking about what we sometimes consider
worthy of grace and what we don't. So I wanted
(02:15):
to take time this episode and just explore and impact
some thoughts that I have around cultivating more grace for
the challenging people in our lives and why ultimately that
is such a gift to us and such a benefit
to our day to day. So when we think about grace, right,
(02:36):
I that word uh. When I was younger, I didn't
really understand what that word meant uh in application right
like grace uh, having grace over my life or moving
with grace or you know, it seems like this very
(02:59):
regal but ethereal quality that didn't quite have directions on
how to embody or how to apply it, especially as
it relates if you've had a life with complex experiences,
you know, people talk about words like forgiveness, they talk
about words like grace, but when you think about how
(03:21):
to apply it to some of the things you may
have experienced or some of the ways that you feel
about yourself, it can feel so elusive. It can feel
so confusing and so strange. So I think about grace
a lot, you know, I'm into all the things, and
so many many years ago, one of the books that
(03:44):
I was reading that you kind of plug in your
birth information or you use your numerology, and I remember, I,
you know, I did do do do? Did all the
confution of what mine was, and the page that I
landed on in this book it said that my path
is called the Way of Grace, and that the lessons
(04:05):
that I was meant to learn in this life was
really all about, no matter what I experience, working to
keep my heart open and working to really exist and
walk on and extend a path of grace. And I
remember reading that and really resonating with it. It felt
(04:30):
very aligned with what the flow and the history of
my life had been um the ways I naturally felt
in my heart. But also it felt um confusing, you know,
it felt like, well, what does that fully mean and damn,
why do I have to be on this path of forgiveness?
(04:53):
You know? I think sometimes that can come into our awareness. UM,
as you're on the journey, and as you are really
being called to embody qualities and characteristics that are not
always role modeled for you, and that are not always
shared with you by other people, it can feel very
confusing to be called to embody ways of being and
(05:16):
practices that are not also being extended to you. And
we've explored this in a few different ways on this show.
It is it's the piece that I think many of
us who choose to make this journey one that is
lasting throughout your life. I think exploring the challenges of
(05:38):
being in an in an unconscious world with millions to
billions and billions of unconscious people who just this is
not their lifetime to do the work it just may
not happen, you know, finding ways to be okay with that,
to also accept it fully and not be really moved
(06:01):
by it. Um. I think that's lifelong work for everyone
who's on an awakened path, or on a path of
healing and wholeness, or on a path of just wanting
to be more and live differently. It's something that will
always be exploring with ourselves and others that to a
certain degree will always be negotiating and kind of checking
(06:22):
in with self. But the thing that really helps that
process as we find ourselves in the thick of it,
it is extending grace to ourselves for the frustration that
will naturally and surely arise. And it's important that we're
(06:44):
in constant observation and negotiation around how to really embody
and extended to other people. That's what closes the circle.
You know, you can come into a higher awareness, you
slay your dragons, much like the alchemist says, you come
(07:06):
into new ways, and then to complete that circle and cycle,
we are each in our own unique ways called to
teach it to others, to share it with others, to
help other people get free. To do that, it also
means that very often we have to submerge ourselves in
(07:28):
even the environments that can feel most triggering um in
a safe way, not in a way that dishonors you,
not in a way that causes you harm, not in
a way that causes you mental, emotional, or physical english,
but in the ways that say, okay, this person may
never change It's not at the level that I want
(07:53):
to completely cut them out of my life. So how
do I come into grace and see the unique experience
they're having and also really come into a space of
understanding that I'm sure that hurts you, know, um understanding
that for people that love you watching you grow and
transform in ways that maybe they are not able to,
(08:15):
or at least at this moment, are not able to,
it does hurt. You know, someone is feeling outpaced, and
I've just found that in fighting the initial natural response
of feeling offended by that or feeling like someone doesn't
want you to do well, and switching it to the
(08:38):
lens of understanding how confusing that can be for people
that cannot do the same thing as you're doing. It
shifts it for everyone. It shifts it for you. It
brings you into peace, It takes the edge off, it
stops making everything so personal, and it extends a grace
to another person and extends to them a dignity of
(09:00):
their own process without judgment. Now, even within that, we
can still make the choice of do I want to
deal with this. That's a preferential choice that we each
have the right to make. Just because someone is struggling
just because we can identify with what may or may
not be hurting, or just because we can say, well,
(09:25):
because this happened to them or that happened, we can
still have a choice of if we want to deal
with it or not. And it doesn't have to make
up anyone quote unquote bad person. It doesn't have to
make anyone um not empathetic. You know, as long as
you're not causing harm, as long as you're not trying
(09:45):
to exasperate exacerbate someone else's wound, you have a right
to remove people from your life for your peace. You
have a right to remove anyone from your life for
any reason. It but checking in with self, checking in
that it's not just your own wound, checking in that
it's not just ego is really important on the journey. Otherwise,
(10:09):
if we are making choices that are based out of ego,
if we are making choices that are based out of
our wounds, very often we will find ourselves continuing the pattern,
continuing the cycle, and having more and more opportunities to
break out of it, And those more and more opportunities
look like more and more challenge until we decide to
(10:32):
make another choice. I think it's important that we get
to the fibers of on our journey, get into a
practice of extending grace to other people, and practice being
a safe space for others. Again, and I'm always going
to frame it this way, not in a way that
(10:52):
dishonors you, not in a way that you're forced to
endure something, but in a way that is a position
of you're not operating out of void, You're not operating
out of emptiness. And so anything you are extending to
another person, be it grace, be a joy, be it wisdom.
(11:13):
It's coming from your excess, it's coming from your overflow.
It is not coming from the parts of you you
need to sustain or keep yourself moving. So I want
to try to talk about a couple ways that I
look to personally move into grace with people when I
(11:33):
deal with challenges, because good Lord, I am alive and
miss wild West. That is Earth as well, and I experience,
you know, a lot of people in crisis and a
lot of people in their wounds, a lot of people
that are projecting, and it is a lot of energy,
and it is it can be frustrating, irritating, you know,
(11:58):
all the things for all us but I found that
with certain practices, one instead of having maybe you know,
multiple daily experiences of that kind of frustration or that
feeling that can feel overwhelming, of just not being with
(12:19):
like minded people that are behaving in the way that
you are see the world that you see it in
the way that you do. UM. You know, instead of
having kind of multiple experiences of that throughout the day,
or instead of it, you know, having those kind of um,
maybe more karmic or historic relationships in your life where
for months, for years, for long stretches of time, you're
(12:42):
just you know, in kind of deep disease around it.
What I found is that you know, through through inviting
in different practices of compassion and you know, really intentionally
choosing to put on that lens of grace to see
through UM, it really brings that down quite a bit.
(13:04):
It makes life so much more enjoyable. UM. It allows
you to also have more enjoyment with others because you're
trusting people to be themselves. You're also extending grace for
the fact that very honestly and truly, if if they
could do better, they would UM. And it's just seeing
(13:26):
people kind of for their strengths and really understanding their limitations,
so you're not having an expectation of people that they
can't fulfill, and you're not giving them things to do
that they can't, you know. Um, So what you're requiring,
(13:47):
what you're looking to receive and return from someone changes
because you're feeling so many of your own needs yourself,
and you've opened yourself to new experiences with new connections,
relations ships, friends, groups. So it's such it's such a benefit.
(14:08):
And I think so often when we're on the journey
and you know, you're kind of chewing on understanding forgiveness
in your life for all of the ways in which
you may need to apply that or consider it. Um.
(14:29):
I think one of the most frustrating things is that
you think, well, I did it, so why can't they?
Why did I did the hard work I put it in.
We are fundamentally different, you know, even if we're having
the same shared experience, we're each experiencing it differently based
(14:49):
on how we entered the room, you know, based on
what our life's challenges were. And it's not as simple
as well, we grew up in the same house, you know,
we went to the same school, we were in the
same werehood, we're the same. It's not true. It's not true.
You don't ever know what was going on behind closed
doors with another person. You don't know what they were experiencing. Seven.
(15:12):
We have thousands of thoughts a day, We have thousands
of experiences a week. You know. It's it's not that simple.
And most people never talk about half, not even of
the things they do say or you know otherwise, and
so we just don't know. And we also don't know
(15:34):
how is that person emotionally supported? You know, Really think
back about people, you know, think about think about their parents,
think about their grandparents, think about the kind of experiences
they've had. If these people matter to you and you
want them to be in your life but you're hitting
a wall with them, really try to see them through
(15:55):
the lens of what their life has looked like and
what they're lived. Experience says look like, um, you know
very often. And this was something I had to come
into myself because for many years I was one of
those people who I've always been on this path of
chest heightened resilience, my god, um, and I've always been,
(16:16):
you know, on a path of exploration, and so I
kind of took it for granted, how naturally I was
drawn to that, and not that any of the work
that I've done was easy, but it was always something
I desired to do, and I had to really look
at the fact that that is not the case for
most people, and that added level of enthusiasm, that added
(16:39):
level of endurance, is what made the difference for me
to keep going. It's also my personal destiny. It's part
of my individual dharma or purpose, you know, it's it's
written in the stars for me. I meant to work
on myself and then share that knowledge with others. Um
that's my calling. And that's not the same with everyone.
(17:00):
So I can't judge what they've done or not based
on how I measure myself in my life. We're just different.
Even if I have ever had or held the you know,
the belief or expectation that, well, I've gone through so
much more than that then they have. And look, I'm
I'm this way. I just don't know enough. I just
(17:22):
don't know. I don't know. And also it doesn't matter.
I have to run my own race, each of us does.
We each have to lock into what the truth of
our lives are and being able to turn that energy
back inward is just so beautiful. It frees you, it
(17:43):
frees others. It creates the distance to where they don't
feel like you're trying to overpower them. You're not pitying them,
you're not trying to force something on them, and they
can just kind of behold you and see, wow, how
how are the choices that they're making playing out in
their lives. Let people observe you over time. You have
(18:03):
to prove this case study correct too. You know, you
have to change your life and not just learn something
and then regurgitate those words to another person and want
them to know what to do with it. You know,
be be the change you when you wish to see.
As Mohamma Gandhi would say, Um, you know it's important.
(18:24):
And the more you just focus on your practices embodying
your work, the more you begin to live it. And
then you find that you don't have to convince anyone
and you don't have to over explain seven people that
are meant to change in this life, but specifically people
that are meant to glean wisdom from you that is
(18:50):
in service to them and their unique needs. They'll do
it in their times simply by watching you, and if
they want your help, they will ask when they're ready.
But we have to kind of stop forcing our healing
on other people and forcing consciousness on other people. It
only does you a disservice. That's not how the flow works,
(19:11):
and none of us are God. And even if it
is for their highest good, for their best self, even
if they have to choose it. I want to share
(19:31):
a couple of things that that aid me from time
to time. You know, there are times that this doesn't
sink in with as much ease. There are times that
you know, you've got to try new things to kind
of bring yourself back to center when you're in challenging
(19:52):
environments with other people. UM, but these are a start,
and so I want to kind of share with you
some of the ways that I practiced this, but kind
of an evolutionary viewpoint. So probably seven to eight years ago,
(20:15):
I was really struggling with feeling frustrated that people made
poor choices in their lives, and especially when people made
poor choices and it negatively affected me or painfully affected me.
And I remember this thought occurred to me of can
you think of people you dislike the most as children?
(20:40):
And is there a space in your heart that you
can find love and compassion for them, or at least
not look at them through the lens of animosity or anger.
And you know, I remember once the therapist that I
had around that time, she had said to me, you know,
if only everyone spoke to themselves the way you'd speak
(21:03):
to a three year old. And I thought about that
so often, and I would kind of be in my
car driving alone and I'd play with that, like, how
do I talk to a three year old? Now I
have a child, so I know, but at the time
I didn't. And you know what I realized is, well,
the way we talked to a three year old, it's enthusiastic,
(21:24):
it's encouraging, it's with a guidance. Um. The way healthy
adults speak to three year olds, it's with non judgment,
it's with support, acceptance, wonder, curiosity. You know, if I
if I saw a three year old child who was
being down on themselves, you know, you'd want to do
(21:46):
nothing more but help them to see the truth of
who they are, their beauty, there value, um, you know.
And if if a three year old was throwing a tantrum,
you'd be like, yeah, there are being three is it
kind of annoying? Yeah, do I want to hear this?
But also their three and they have to feel what
they feel and it's not an attack on me, you know. UM.
(22:10):
And I think with the three year old also, if
you met a three year old that was scared or
that was fearful of anything, I know, speaking for myself,
I darted immediately, whether it was my child or a
child I saw fearful on the street, and I would
I would try to comfort them, I would try to
find them safety. UM, I would try to speak life
(22:31):
into them. And so when I when I started thinking
about that after she said that, I said, Okay, let's
see if you can really put your money where your
mouth is and if you can apply this to people
you dislike. So I started a little bit of a
meditation practice for myself where anytime someone that for me
felt really harmful would enter my mind and my thoughts,
(22:54):
especially when it came to some of the smaller stuff
like this is great to start small with. You may
not want to revisit right away, you know. UM, maybe
someone that that was really negatively impactful in your life.
You may have to work your way up to that. Um.
You can get there. But maybe it's just starting with
that coworker that gets on your nerves, you know, maybe
(23:16):
it's starting with um, the smaller kind of more inconsequential relationships.
But you would close your eyes and you would bring
them to the forefront of your mind, and you would
try as best as you can to think them as
a child and to see them through the lens of
their most pure state before the rest of life happened. UM.
(23:37):
Something I've just come to know so deeply is that
when we see the most angry, the most embittered, um,
the most harmful people, I just often think of how
much I can imagine of the ways that they felt
alone when they were in the most crucial years of
(23:58):
their life, as their identity was being formed, as their
empathy was coming online, as their self love was meant
to be expanded. UM, And you just think, Wow, what
didn't they receive? My God? You know, And I know
that that doesn't always feel like it will work. Some
people behave really deplorably um irregardless of the reason why
(24:21):
they do it, it affects us and it's challenging. UM.
But this practice, though it may not feel like it
can make sense for everyone it's really about alleviating more
of your internal suffering. This is less to do with them.
Extending grace to another extends grace to yourself in some
(24:43):
of the deepest ways you could ever imagine. So that
was where I started, and I spent a lot of
years in that practice, and it brought me a lot
of peace. It allowed me to at least really rested
a more expanded, zoomed out view of the greater experiences
(25:07):
that people are having, and it helped me not take
everything so personally, even when it felt really personal, even
when people are projecting on you or actually seeking to
do things that are hurtful to you. So that's where
my practice started. And then, you know, the more I
expanded in my own personal practice of inner child healing,
(25:27):
my own noticing of my shadows and all the crevices
that I needed to dive into with my own darkness
and my own experiences, the more I just really had
a deep reverence for how much this work really requires
of someone, and how divinely orchestrated my life was to
allow me to find this work, and what a privilege
(25:50):
it is to heal. And that has helped me a
lot um that mixed with boundaries, because when you stop
having to take it on the chin so much, when
you are in your personal life a lot more fulfilled
and fueled, you're not as movable to the disruptions of others.
(26:11):
You're not as movable to the toxicity the dysfunction of
other people. UM, And it makes it so much more tolerable,
and it allows you to control how much access it
really has to you. So a big part of being
able to have grace, Brothers is also creating the life
that you're actually worthy of. So being in your daily
(26:34):
practices so you are emotionally regulated. When you're in a
place of emotional regulation, UM, when you're nervous system is soothed,
you're not getting rocked all over the place. You're someone
else's dysfunction is not triggering a wound that already existed
inside of you before they did. So that's a really
(26:54):
important place to start your day from in general, and
that's why having a daily practice, and especially starting your
day with meditation is one of the most foundationally powerful
things you can do for your life. It's a must,
it's not a luxury. It really is a requirement for
being on this path in a way that's sustainable, in
(27:16):
a way that honors you, in a way that allows
you to grow into your purpose and to expand the
love that you have to give and the love that
you should be receiving. So those practices, that meditation, starting
an emotional regulation, and then really spending time with what
irritates you. So stop trying to just necessarily throw it
(27:40):
back blame the other person, but really sit and say
what exactly is so frustrating about the way this person
is choosing to behave? And then you come into choice
because you either choose to set new boundaries and create
new pathways in your life that have more people that
are equally yoked with you, or you get to the
(28:01):
deeper truth of yourself, which is what is the work
that still needs to be done inside of you? Because
why are you being moved in this way? Um, and
if this person is irritating you in this way, when
was the first time you were upset about what's coming
up for you? Now? What age was that at and
what person was that? You know? Getting it back to
(28:23):
your origin story is so important. That's where you find
your power, That's where you harness your power, That's where
we're able to release, transcend, transform, elevate. It's really powerful work.
So let's spend some time right now in just a
very brief, brief, brief practice of tasting compassion for self
(28:47):
and others. And as we go into this next few minutes,
I also want to invite you to consider in whatever
ways this is possible, um, maybe bookmarking this episode and
coming back to the last few minutes it's and doing
this every day. If there's a curriculum in your life
spiritually that you're currently working on, if there are specific
(29:10):
people that come to mind for you, make it a process.
It's not just going to happen this first time, But
consider walking through a meditation like this and journaling and
doing some of these practices over a length of time,
and after a month, after a few weeks, after a year,
then look up and see how am I relating to
(29:31):
this dynamic now? How am I able to see and
track a certain amount of growth in myself? You know?
But what miracles can I notice here? What awarenesses can
I come into? All right, let's take root wherever you
happen to be. As long as you are not driving,
(29:52):
and as long as this is safe, I invite you
in this moment to gently close your eyes, to come
into your body, to connect here to your breath and
(30:14):
notice that flow in and out and in this space,
I want you to allow your body to become even
more relaxed. Your spine is straight and supportive and strong,
(30:36):
your belly is soft, your heart is open, your shoulders
and your jaw are relaxed. The tension in your hips
is released and taking nice deep inhal through your nose
(31:01):
here and release. I want you to bring in this
moment yourself to mind as a three year old child.
(31:24):
And I want you to hold that three year old
close to your body, hugging them like an unconditionally loving,
nurturing mother. And I want you to slowly bring that
three year old you right into the center of your heart.
(31:47):
Let's take another deep breath here mm hm, and I
want you to look at that three year old you
with deep compassion, with a reverence for things that they've
(32:07):
walked to and who they became. To this moment, I
want you to bring this three year old into your
view and imagine yourself cutting their cheeks, holding their face
so gently, so lovingly, looking closely at them, into their eyes,
(32:37):
and really sending a feeling of love, sending a feeling
of compassion, sending a deep intuitive knowing into them about
who they are, and just let yourself enjoy this here,
(32:57):
feel whatever comes up. Yeah, and as you connect to
(33:19):
that feeling mm hmm, allow yourself here. Two. Now, allow
that three year old you to just rest in your heart,
just resting and clearing out of your awareness. And now
(33:45):
I want you to think of someone that is currently
bringing frustration into your life, or an irritation or an upsetness,
a disease, someone that feels intolerable to your spirit right
(34:07):
now for whatever reasons. And you know, for some of
us that may be some deeper reasons. It may be
someone in your life over time, and for others it
could just be a complicated relationship or perhaps someone that
(34:27):
may not be causing harm, but it's just not sitting
well with your spirit. I want you to just think
of now, whoever that person is for you, and I
want you to see them as they are now, in
whatever form they currently reside in. And I want you
to just notice here what you're feeling in your heart,
(34:49):
what you're feeling in your body, to see them, and
it's okay, don't judge yourself what other whatever words happen
to be coming up. That's more than fine, all right.
And now I want you to see them with some
(35:11):
of the underlying pain or self hate rejection that they
may be feeling about themselves and their lives. Inside. I
(35:31):
want you to see more of the truth of their
life and their behavior. So hold here, connecting to your
heart and your intuition as you think of them, and
just notice what comes up. And now, if you can,
I want you to try to envision a three year
(35:54):
old version of them, just really starting to work with
languid which their most tender self, the vulnerability of year three,
the amount of need that they have to be supported,
(36:14):
to be loved, to be guided, to be cared for,
and imagining that some of those needs weren't met for
a three year old. Imagine bringing them in now, that
three year old them, right into the center of your
heart where you just were. And I want you to
(36:38):
imagine if you had met them at age three, before
life had happened, as your current adult self, what would
you see in them? How would you treat them? What
would you say? I want you to invoke in your
(37:01):
body the feeling of compassion, the feeling of empathy, the
feeling of love. And just notice, notice anything that is
coming in your heart, notice anything that is coming into
your mind as you see this person. I want you
(37:31):
to try to beam to them a feeling of compassion
or love that maybe they've never known, or maybe they've gotten,
and for whatever reasons, have never allowed themselves to receive
from others. And I want you to imagine sending them
(37:51):
that energy now, yeah, and now, allowing yourself to release
(38:19):
their image, release them from your heart, send them back
to where they are with love, cutting that court of connection.
And I want you to say, silently internally, my intention
(38:42):
is grace. My intention for myself and others is grace.
My intention is compassion. M. My intention for myself and
(39:04):
others is compassion. My intention is to radiate love. My
intention is to radiate love. Take a deep inhale here,
(39:29):
nostril breath in through your nose. Mh. We'll do another
inhale here and through your nose, but it will be
out of your mouth with a sigh beginning your inhale
fold it M. Spend time with this if it felt
(40:02):
like a resource um that can benefit you. Thank you
for joining me for this episode. Go ahead, and drop
a five star review. If you get a moment, write
a review. Let me know your thoughts, let me know
what you're moving with uh and please share this episode
with a friend if you think of resonates. All right,
I'll be back next week. No, i'maa stay hey. Find
(40:29):
me on social let's connect at Debbie Brown. That's Twitter
and Instagram, or go to my website Debbie Brown dot com.
And if you're listening to the show on Apple podcasts,
please please please don't forget to rate, review and subscribe
and send this episode to a friend. Dropping Jim's is
(40:50):
the production of I Heart Radio and The Black Effect Network.
It's produced by Jack Please and me Debbie Brown. For
more podcast from My Heart Radio, visit the I heart
Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
M from grandmothers who whispered and their baby girl ill.
Two fathers on dimly lit street corners, instructing young soldiers
to always keep their eyes open. You be queen, you
(00:21):
were fired. You will pass through centuries on the hands
of your daughters. They called you wisdom. Proverbs on the
backs of diamond eyed school children who grew into hymnals
recited by amethyst holding urban philosophers who recited neighborhood commandments
out of the windows of restored Alchemedo chariots to keep
the warmth of their blood. Be wise, be smart, being black,
(00:46):
Opal Brown courts bloodstone and prayer. Be every form of
jim see. King told, scribe, scribe, told son, son, told wife,
wife told her daughter, and daughter told the as this is,
And the ancess told me that you would come to
give you wisdom. Thousands they said you would come, Dropping
(01:09):
Dropping the gim Hey, Welcome back to another episode of
the Dropping Gems podcast. I am your host, Debbie Brown.
As always, thank you for walking into the rooms, settling down,
getting rooted, getting connected. This is a soft place to land.
(01:30):
We explore higher consciousness on this show and ways to
make it applicable, tangible, and transformative in our everyday lives. AH.
At the time of this recording, Wow, it is the
holiday season, so we are in the thick of a
lot of different kinds of energy. And something I've been
(01:52):
thinking about a lot is grace. I've been thinking about
all the definitions of grace, all ways that we may
personally define it, may personally apply it to our lives.
And I've also been thinking about what we sometimes consider
worthy of grace and what we don't. So I wanted
(02:15):
to take time this episode and just explore and impact
some thoughts that I have around cultivating more grace for
the challenging people in our lives and why ultimately that
is such a gift to us and such a benefit
to our day to day. So when we think about grace, right,
(02:36):
I that word uh. When I was younger, I didn't
really understand what that word meant uh in application right
like grace uh, having grace over my life or moving
with grace or you know, it seems like this very
(02:59):
regal but ethereal quality that didn't quite have directions on
how to embody or how to apply it, especially as
it relates if you've had a life with complex experiences,
you know, people talk about words like forgiveness, they talk
about words like grace, but when you think about how
(03:21):
to apply it to some of the things you may
have experienced or some of the ways that you feel
about yourself, it can feel so elusive. It can feel
so confusing and so strange. So I think about grace
a lot, you know, I'm into all the things, and
so many many years ago, one of the books that
(03:44):
I was reading that you kind of plug in your
birth information or you use your numerology, and I remember, I,
you know, I did do do do? Did all the
confution of what mine was, and the page that I
landed on in this book it said that my path
is called the Way of Grace, and that the lessons
(04:05):
that I was meant to learn in this life was
really all about, no matter what I experience, working to
keep my heart open and working to really exist and
walk on and extend a path of grace. And I
remember reading that and really resonating with it. It felt
(04:30):
very aligned with what the flow and the history of
my life had been um the ways I naturally felt
in my heart. But also it felt um confusing, you know,
it felt like, well, what does that fully mean and damn,
why do I have to be on this path of forgiveness?
(04:53):
You know? I think sometimes that can come into our awareness. UM,
as you're on the journey, and as you are really
being called to embody qualities and characteristics that are not
always role modeled for you, and that are not always
shared with you by other people, it can feel very
confusing to be called to embody ways of being and
(05:16):
practices that are not also being extended to you. And
we've explored this in a few different ways on this show.
It is it's the piece that I think many of
us who choose to make this journey one that is
lasting throughout your life. I think exploring the challenges of
(05:38):
being in an in an unconscious world with millions to
billions and billions of unconscious people who just this is
not their lifetime to do the work it just may
not happen, you know, finding ways to be okay with that,
to also accept it fully and not be really moved
(06:01):
by it. Um. I think that's lifelong work for everyone
who's on an awakened path, or on a path of
healing and wholeness, or on a path of just wanting
to be more and live differently. It's something that will
always be exploring with ourselves and others that to a
certain degree will always be negotiating and kind of checking
(06:22):
in with self. But the thing that really helps that
process as we find ourselves in the thick of it,
it is extending grace to ourselves for the frustration that
will naturally and surely arise. And it's important that we're
(06:44):
in constant observation and negotiation around how to really embody
and extended to other people. That's what closes the circle.
You know, you can come into a higher awareness, you
slay your dragons, much like the alchemist says, you come
(07:06):
into new ways, and then to complete that circle and cycle,
we are each in our own unique ways called to
teach it to others, to share it with others, to
help other people get free. To do that, it also
means that very often we have to submerge ourselves in
(07:28):
even the environments that can feel most triggering um in
a safe way, not in a way that dishonors you,
not in a way that causes you harm, not in
a way that causes you mental, emotional, or physical english,
but in the ways that say, okay, this person may
never change It's not at the level that I want
(07:53):
to completely cut them out of my life. So how
do I come into grace and see the unique experience
they're having and also really come into a space of
understanding that I'm sure that hurts you, know, um understanding
that for people that love you watching you grow and
transform in ways that maybe they are not able to,
(08:15):
or at least at this moment, are not able to,
it does hurt. You know, someone is feeling outpaced, and
I've just found that in fighting the initial natural response
of feeling offended by that or feeling like someone doesn't
want you to do well, and switching it to the
(08:38):
lens of understanding how confusing that can be for people
that cannot do the same thing as you're doing. It
shifts it for everyone. It shifts it for you. It
brings you into peace, It takes the edge off, it
stops making everything so personal, and it extends a grace
to another person and extends to them a dignity of
(09:00):
their own process without judgment. Now, even within that, we
can still make the choice of do I want to
deal with this. That's a preferential choice that we each
have the right to make. Just because someone is struggling
just because we can identify with what may or may
not be hurting, or just because we can say, well,
(09:25):
because this happened to them or that happened, we can
still have a choice of if we want to deal
with it or not. And it doesn't have to make
up anyone quote unquote bad person. It doesn't have to
make anyone um not empathetic. You know, as long as
you're not causing harm, as long as you're not trying
(09:45):
to exasperate exacerbate someone else's wound, you have a right
to remove people from your life for your peace. You
have a right to remove anyone from your life for
any reason. It but checking in with self, checking in
that it's not just your own wound, checking in that
it's not just ego is really important on the journey. Otherwise,
(10:09):
if we are making choices that are based out of ego,
if we are making choices that are based out of
our wounds, very often we will find ourselves continuing the pattern,
continuing the cycle, and having more and more opportunities to
break out of it, And those more and more opportunities
look like more and more challenge until we decide to
(10:32):
make another choice. I think it's important that we get
to the fibers of on our journey, get into a
practice of extending grace to other people, and practice being
a safe space for others. Again, and I'm always going
to frame it this way, not in a way that
(10:52):
dishonors you, not in a way that you're forced to
endure something, but in a way that is a position
of you're not operating out of void, You're not operating
out of emptiness. And so anything you are extending to
another person, be it grace, be a joy, be it wisdom.
(11:13):
It's coming from your excess, it's coming from your overflow.
It is not coming from the parts of you you
need to sustain or keep yourself moving. So I want
to try to talk about a couple ways that I
look to personally move into grace with people when I
(11:33):
deal with challenges, because good Lord, I am alive and
miss wild West. That is Earth as well, and I experience,
you know, a lot of people in crisis and a
lot of people in their wounds, a lot of people
that are projecting, and it is a lot of energy,
and it is it can be frustrating, irritating, you know,
(11:58):
all the things for all us but I found that
with certain practices, one instead of having maybe you know,
multiple daily experiences of that kind of frustration or that
feeling that can feel overwhelming, of just not being with
(12:19):
like minded people that are behaving in the way that
you are see the world that you see it in
the way that you do. UM. You know, instead of
having kind of multiple experiences of that throughout the day,
or instead of it, you know, having those kind of um,
maybe more karmic or historic relationships in your life where
for months, for years, for long stretches of time, you're
(12:42):
just you know, in kind of deep disease around it.
What I found is that you know, through through inviting
in different practices of compassion and you know, really intentionally
choosing to put on that lens of grace to see
through UM, it really brings that down quite a bit.
(13:04):
It makes life so much more enjoyable. UM. It allows
you to also have more enjoyment with others because you're
trusting people to be themselves. You're also extending grace for
the fact that very honestly and truly, if if they
could do better, they would UM. And it's just seeing
(13:26):
people kind of for their strengths and really understanding their limitations,
so you're not having an expectation of people that they
can't fulfill, and you're not giving them things to do
that they can't, you know. Um, So what you're requiring,
(13:47):
what you're looking to receive and return from someone changes
because you're feeling so many of your own needs yourself,
and you've opened yourself to new experiences with new connections,
relations ships, friends, groups. So it's such it's such a benefit.
(14:08):
And I think so often when we're on the journey
and you know, you're kind of chewing on understanding forgiveness
in your life for all of the ways in which
you may need to apply that or consider it. Um.
(14:29):
I think one of the most frustrating things is that
you think, well, I did it, so why can't they?
Why did I did the hard work I put it in.
We are fundamentally different, you know, even if we're having
the same shared experience, we're each experiencing it differently based
(14:49):
on how we entered the room, you know, based on
what our life's challenges were. And it's not as simple
as well, we grew up in the same house, you know,
we went to the same school, we were in the
same werehood, we're the same. It's not true. It's not true.
You don't ever know what was going on behind closed
doors with another person. You don't know what they were experiencing. Seven.
(15:12):
We have thousands of thoughts a day, We have thousands
of experiences a week. You know. It's it's not that simple.
And most people never talk about half, not even of
the things they do say or you know otherwise, and
so we just don't know. And we also don't know
(15:34):
how is that person emotionally supported? You know, Really think
back about people, you know, think about think about their parents,
think about their grandparents, think about the kind of experiences
they've had. If these people matter to you and you
want them to be in your life but you're hitting
a wall with them, really try to see them through
(15:55):
the lens of what their life has looked like and
what they're lived. Experience says look like, um, you know
very often. And this was something I had to come
into myself because for many years I was one of
those people who I've always been on this path of
chest heightened resilience, my god, um, and I've always been,
(16:16):
you know, on a path of exploration, and so I
kind of took it for granted, how naturally I was
drawn to that, and not that any of the work
that I've done was easy, but it was always something
I desired to do, and I had to really look
at the fact that that is not the case for
most people, and that added level of enthusiasm, that added
(16:39):
level of endurance, is what made the difference for me
to keep going. It's also my personal destiny. It's part
of my individual dharma or purpose, you know, it's it's
written in the stars for me. I meant to work
on myself and then share that knowledge with others. Um
that's my calling. And that's not the same with everyone.
(17:00):
So I can't judge what they've done or not based
on how I measure myself in my life. We're just different.
Even if I have ever had or held the you know,
the belief or expectation that, well, I've gone through so
much more than that then they have. And look, I'm
I'm this way. I just don't know enough. I just
(17:22):
don't know. I don't know. And also it doesn't matter.
I have to run my own race, each of us does.
We each have to lock into what the truth of
our lives are and being able to turn that energy
back inward is just so beautiful. It frees you, it
(17:43):
frees others. It creates the distance to where they don't
feel like you're trying to overpower them. You're not pitying them,
you're not trying to force something on them, and they
can just kind of behold you and see, wow, how
how are the choices that they're making playing out in
their lives. Let people observe you over time. You have
(18:03):
to prove this case study correct too. You know, you
have to change your life and not just learn something
and then regurgitate those words to another person and want
them to know what to do with it. You know,
be be the change you when you wish to see.
As Mohamma Gandhi would say, Um, you know it's important.
(18:24):
And the more you just focus on your practices embodying
your work, the more you begin to live it. And
then you find that you don't have to convince anyone
and you don't have to over explain seven people that
are meant to change in this life, but specifically people
that are meant to glean wisdom from you that is
(18:50):
in service to them and their unique needs. They'll do
it in their times simply by watching you, and if
they want your help, they will ask when they're ready.
But we have to kind of stop forcing our healing
on other people and forcing consciousness on other people. It
only does you a disservice. That's not how the flow works,
(19:11):
and none of us are God. And even if it
is for their highest good, for their best self, even
if they have to choose it. I want to share
(19:31):
a couple of things that that aid me from time
to time. You know, there are times that this doesn't
sink in with as much ease. There are times that
you know, you've got to try new things to kind
of bring yourself back to center when you're in challenging
(19:52):
environments with other people. UM, but these are a start,
and so I want to kind of share with you
some of the ways that I practiced this, but kind
of an evolutionary viewpoint. So probably seven to eight years ago,
(20:15):
I was really struggling with feeling frustrated that people made
poor choices in their lives, and especially when people made
poor choices and it negatively affected me or painfully affected me.
And I remember this thought occurred to me of can
you think of people you dislike the most as children?
(20:40):
And is there a space in your heart that you
can find love and compassion for them, or at least
not look at them through the lens of animosity or anger.
And you know, I remember once the therapist that I
had around that time, she had said to me, you know,
if only everyone spoke to themselves the way you'd speak
(21:03):
to a three year old. And I thought about that
so often, and I would kind of be in my
car driving alone and I'd play with that, like, how
do I talk to a three year old? Now I
have a child, so I know, but at the time
I didn't. And you know what I realized is, well,
the way we talked to a three year old, it's enthusiastic,
(21:24):
it's encouraging, it's with a guidance. Um. The way healthy
adults speak to three year olds, it's with non judgment,
it's with support, acceptance, wonder, curiosity. You know, if I
if I saw a three year old child who was
being down on themselves, you know, you'd want to do
(21:46):
nothing more but help them to see the truth of
who they are, their beauty, there value, um, you know.
And if if a three year old was throwing a tantrum,
you'd be like, yeah, there are being three is it
kind of annoying? Yeah, do I want to hear this?
But also their three and they have to feel what
they feel and it's not an attack on me, you know. UM.
(22:10):
And I think with the three year old also, if
you met a three year old that was scared or
that was fearful of anything, I know, speaking for myself,
I darted immediately, whether it was my child or a
child I saw fearful on the street, and I would
I would try to comfort them, I would try to
find them safety. UM, I would try to speak life
(22:31):
into them. And so when I when I started thinking
about that after she said that, I said, Okay, let's
see if you can really put your money where your
mouth is and if you can apply this to people
you dislike. So I started a little bit of a
meditation practice for myself where anytime someone that for me
felt really harmful would enter my mind and my thoughts,
(22:54):
especially when it came to some of the smaller stuff
like this is great to start small with. You may
not want to revisit right away, you know. UM, maybe
someone that that was really negatively impactful in your life.
You may have to work your way up to that. Um.
You can get there. But maybe it's just starting with
that coworker that gets on your nerves, you know, maybe
(23:16):
it's starting with um, the smaller kind of more inconsequential relationships.
But you would close your eyes and you would bring
them to the forefront of your mind, and you would
try as best as you can to think them as
a child and to see them through the lens of
their most pure state before the rest of life happened. UM.
(23:37):
Something I've just come to know so deeply is that
when we see the most angry, the most embittered, um,
the most harmful people, I just often think of how
much I can imagine of the ways that they felt
alone when they were in the most crucial years of
(23:58):
their life, as their identity was being formed, as their
empathy was coming online, as their self love was meant
to be expanded. UM, And you just think, Wow, what
didn't they receive? My God? You know, And I know
that that doesn't always feel like it will work. Some
people behave really deplorably um irregardless of the reason why
(24:21):
they do it, it affects us and it's challenging. UM.
But this practice, though it may not feel like it
can make sense for everyone it's really about alleviating more
of your internal suffering. This is less to do with them.
Extending grace to another extends grace to yourself in some
(24:43):
of the deepest ways you could ever imagine. So that
was where I started, and I spent a lot of
years in that practice, and it brought me a lot
of peace. It allowed me to at least really rested
a more expanded, zoomed out view of the greater experiences
(25:07):
that people are having, and it helped me not take
everything so personally, even when it felt really personal, even
when people are projecting on you or actually seeking to
do things that are hurtful to you. So that's where
my practice started. And then, you know, the more I
expanded in my own personal practice of inner child healing,
(25:27):
my own noticing of my shadows and all the crevices
that I needed to dive into with my own darkness
and my own experiences, the more I just really had
a deep reverence for how much this work really requires
of someone, and how divinely orchestrated my life was to
allow me to find this work, and what a privilege
(25:50):
it is to heal. And that has helped me a
lot um that mixed with boundaries, because when you stop
having to take it on the chin so much, when
you are in your personal life a lot more fulfilled
and fueled, you're not as movable to the disruptions of others.
(26:11):
You're not as movable to the toxicity the dysfunction of
other people. UM, And it makes it so much more tolerable,
and it allows you to control how much access it
really has to you. So a big part of being
able to have grace, Brothers is also creating the life
that you're actually worthy of. So being in your daily
(26:34):
practices so you are emotionally regulated. When you're in a
place of emotional regulation, UM, when you're nervous system is soothed,
you're not getting rocked all over the place. You're someone
else's dysfunction is not triggering a wound that already existed
inside of you before they did. So that's a really
(26:54):
important place to start your day from in general, and
that's why having a daily practice, and especially starting your
day with meditation is one of the most foundationally powerful
things you can do for your life. It's a must,
it's not a luxury. It really is a requirement for
being on this path in a way that's sustainable, in
(27:16):
a way that honors you, in a way that allows
you to grow into your purpose and to expand the
love that you have to give and the love that
you should be receiving. So those practices, that meditation, starting
an emotional regulation, and then really spending time with what
irritates you. So stop trying to just necessarily throw it
(27:40):
back blame the other person, but really sit and say
what exactly is so frustrating about the way this person
is choosing to behave? And then you come into choice
because you either choose to set new boundaries and create
new pathways in your life that have more people that
are equally yoked with you, or you get to the
(28:01):
deeper truth of yourself, which is what is the work
that still needs to be done inside of you? Because
why are you being moved in this way? Um, and
if this person is irritating you in this way, when
was the first time you were upset about what's coming
up for you? Now? What age was that at and
what person was that? You know? Getting it back to
(28:23):
your origin story is so important. That's where you find
your power, That's where you harness your power, That's where
we're able to release, transcend, transform, elevate. It's really powerful work.
So let's spend some time right now in just a
very brief, brief, brief practice of tasting compassion for self
(28:47):
and others. And as we go into this next few minutes,
I also want to invite you to consider in whatever
ways this is possible, um, maybe bookmarking this episode and
coming back to the last few minutes it's and doing
this every day. If there's a curriculum in your life
spiritually that you're currently working on, if there are specific
(29:10):
people that come to mind for you, make it a process.
It's not just going to happen this first time, But
consider walking through a meditation like this and journaling and
doing some of these practices over a length of time,
and after a month, after a few weeks, after a year,
then look up and see how am I relating to
(29:31):
this dynamic now? How am I able to see and
track a certain amount of growth in myself? You know?
But what miracles can I notice here? What awarenesses can
I come into? All right, let's take root wherever you
happen to be. As long as you are not driving,
(29:52):
and as long as this is safe, I invite you
in this moment to gently close your eyes, to come
into your body, to connect here to your breath and
(30:14):
notice that flow in and out and in this space,
I want you to allow your body to become even
more relaxed. Your spine is straight and supportive and strong,
(30:36):
your belly is soft, your heart is open, your shoulders
and your jaw are relaxed. The tension in your hips
is released and taking nice deep inhal through your nose
(31:01):
here and release. I want you to bring in this
moment yourself to mind as a three year old child.
(31:24):
And I want you to hold that three year old
close to your body, hugging them like an unconditionally loving,
nurturing mother. And I want you to slowly bring that
three year old you right into the center of your heart.
(31:47):
Let's take another deep breath here mm hm, and I
want you to look at that three year old you
with deep compassion, with a reverence for things that they've
(32:07):
walked to and who they became. To this moment, I
want you to bring this three year old into your
view and imagine yourself cutting their cheeks, holding their face
so gently, so lovingly, looking closely at them, into their eyes,
(32:37):
and really sending a feeling of love, sending a feeling
of compassion, sending a deep intuitive knowing into them about
who they are, and just let yourself enjoy this here,
(32:57):
feel whatever comes up. Yeah, and as you connect to
(33:19):
that feeling mm hmm, allow yourself here. Two. Now, allow
that three year old you to just rest in your heart,
just resting and clearing out of your awareness. And now
(33:45):
I want you to think of someone that is currently
bringing frustration into your life, or an irritation or an upsetness,
a disease, someone that feels intolerable to your spirit right
(34:07):
now for whatever reasons. And you know, for some of
us that may be some deeper reasons. It may be
someone in your life over time, and for others it
could just be a complicated relationship or perhaps someone that
(34:27):
may not be causing harm, but it's just not sitting
well with your spirit. I want you to just think
of now, whoever that person is for you, and I
want you to see them as they are now, in
whatever form they currently reside in. And I want you
to just notice here what you're feeling in your heart,
(34:49):
what you're feeling in your body, to see them, and
it's okay, don't judge yourself what other whatever words happen
to be coming up. That's more than fine, all right.
And now I want you to see them with some
(35:11):
of the underlying pain or self hate rejection that they
may be feeling about themselves and their lives. Inside. I
(35:31):
want you to see more of the truth of their
life and their behavior. So hold here, connecting to your
heart and your intuition as you think of them, and
just notice what comes up. And now, if you can,
I want you to try to envision a three year
(35:54):
old version of them, just really starting to work with
languid which their most tender self, the vulnerability of year three,
the amount of need that they have to be supported,
(36:14):
to be loved, to be guided, to be cared for,
and imagining that some of those needs weren't met for
a three year old. Imagine bringing them in now, that
three year old them, right into the center of your
heart where you just were. And I want you to
(36:38):
imagine if you had met them at age three, before
life had happened, as your current adult self, what would
you see in them? How would you treat them? What
would you say? I want you to invoke in your
(37:01):
body the feeling of compassion, the feeling of empathy, the
feeling of love. And just notice, notice anything that is
coming in your heart, notice anything that is coming into
your mind as you see this person. I want you
(37:31):
to try to beam to them a feeling of compassion
or love that maybe they've never known, or maybe they've gotten,
and for whatever reasons, have never allowed themselves to receive
from others. And I want you to imagine sending them
(37:51):
that energy now, yeah, and now, allowing yourself to release
(38:19):
their image, release them from your heart, send them back
to where they are with love, cutting that court of connection.
And I want you to say, silently internally, my intention
(38:42):
is grace. My intention for myself and others is grace.
My intention is compassion. M. My intention for myself and
(39:04):
others is compassion. My intention is to radiate love. My
intention is to radiate love. Take a deep inhale here,
(39:29):
nostril breath in through your nose. Mh. We'll do another
inhale here and through your nose, but it will be
out of your mouth with a sigh beginning your inhale
fold it M. Spend time with this if it felt
(40:02):
like a resource um that can benefit you. Thank you
for joining me for this episode. Go ahead, and drop
a five star review. If you get a moment, write
a review. Let me know your thoughts, let me know
what you're moving with uh and please share this episode
with a friend if you think of resonates. All right,
I'll be back next week. No, i'maa stay hey. Find
(40:29):
me on social let's connect at Debbie Brown. That's Twitter
and Instagram, or go to my website Debbie Brown dot com.
And if you're listening to the show on Apple podcasts,
please please please don't forget to rate, review and subscribe
and send this episode to a friend. Dropping Jim's is
(40:50):
the production of I Heart Radio and The Black Effect Network.
It's produced by Jack Please and me Debbie Brown. For
more podcast from My Heart Radio, visit the I heart
Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
Host
Devi Brown
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