S4 - Ep. 92 - Emily Heller

This week, Chris and Karen welcome comedian Emily Heller to chat about witch ancestors, dense bean salads and more!

 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Are you leaving?

Speaker 2 (00:03):
I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want
to be there.

Speaker 3 (00:10):
Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us
time and aid. Termino and Gaye ad.

Speaker 2 (00:19):
We want to send you off InStyle. We wanna welcome
you back home. Tell us all about it. We scared her?
Was it fine? Mal porn? Do you need to ride?

(00:50):
Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Do your need to ride?

Speaker 4 (01:01):
Ride with Karen and Chris. Welcome to Do you need
to ride?

Speaker 2 (01:15):
This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgara.

Speaker 4 (01:18):
We are out on a very hot day.

Speaker 5 (01:22):
It's so obvious when I don't think of the first
thing to.

Speaker 2 (01:25):
Say, Yeah, you have to diary.

Speaker 5 (01:28):
I was cursed by There was something posted at the
Velveta room that was like Bill Hicks's ten rules to
stand up, and so many of them I do not follow,
But the first one was I never think about the
first thing I'm going to say. I just go out
there and start talking, and I'm like, I'm going to
use that, and it really is bad advice.

Speaker 4 (01:50):
Going out there and getting a quick joke and.

Speaker 5 (01:52):
A laugh is probably you should only think about the
first thing you're gonna say and then freestyle the rest.

Speaker 2 (01:59):
It is a show.

Speaker 3 (02:00):
Well that's the thing I used to have a real
hard time with, where I'm like, I'm going to go
out there and have a negative reaction towards the first
person I see as an opener.

Speaker 4 (02:07):
Yes, exactly, not.

Speaker 3 (02:09):
Never good never, Yeah, endearing myself when I watched the
younger generations once social media started and I saw how
that changed stand up where people were super nice and
like yes andy all the time, where I was like,
oh this, I don't know how to do it this way. Yeah,
I only I'm like attack comedy from nineteen seventy seven.

Speaker 5 (02:28):
Yeah, I like to attack audiences based on their reaction
to me not being prepared. Yes, it's a self hating
mirror mirror work, Really it is.

Speaker 1 (02:37):
Do you think that has something to do with how
much lead was in gasoline? You guys are trying.

Speaker 5 (02:42):
Yeah, that's the perfect thing to start with. The voice
you heard is today's guest, Emily Hell. Are you know
her from clubs and colleges across the country. Emily Heller? Right,
So I'm so sorry I said your name and then
introduce you.

Speaker 1 (02:57):
No, it's okay, the classic. It's okay, as long as
no one's clapping.

Speaker 2 (03:02):
Did you see how I held the applause until after.

Speaker 4 (03:04):
Yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right.

Speaker 1 (03:07):
I corrected for it. So it all worked out. Has
it going, guys?

Speaker 4 (03:10):
It's so good to see you.

Speaker 2 (03:11):
Yes, Emily, I didn't see you see truly years. It
feels like.

Speaker 1 (03:15):
I know, I mean, it definitely has been.

Speaker 3 (03:18):
It's like, what zoom did we do in COVID together
the last time I saw you?

Speaker 1 (03:22):
It was Yeah, it must have been like yeah, twenty
one or something.

Speaker 4 (03:26):
Yeah, have you been this zoom?

Speaker 2 (03:28):
Oh my gosh, do I think so?

Speaker 1 (03:30):
I've been so weird. I've been so weird the old time.
I'm having the weirdest year of my life right now.

Speaker 2 (03:37):
Run it down for us a month by month, please.

Speaker 1 (03:40):
Well, month by month? Okay? January the city burned down. Yeah,
and I genuinely think I gave myself a back injury
from sitting on the couch while that was happening.

Speaker 2 (03:51):
From tension.

Speaker 1 (03:52):
From tension, yes, and from just like not. I got
into the uh into the hot trend of mass reporting
landlords for price gouging on Zillow, and I was just
like hyper focusing on it and I didn't move my body,
so then I ended up needing back surgery. Oh my god, yeah,

(04:17):
which is weird. I had never had surgery before. Have
you guys had surgery?

Speaker 2 (04:21):
Yes, yes, yeah, it's scary.

Speaker 1 (04:24):
It's scary. Yeah yeah what what kind of surgery did
you guys have?

Speaker 3 (04:28):
My first was like a leap procedure, which is some
it's like pre cancerous cervical.

Speaker 2 (04:34):
Cells that they want to get rid of. It was
one of those yeah, real low key uh huh.

Speaker 3 (04:40):
Like I was on the table. The guy was like,
I heard you said you were going to Hawaii? Where
what island? And then I woke up in a dark
hallway and I was like, okay, that's if that's what
surgery is, Like, I'm good with me.

Speaker 5 (04:49):
Yeah, it's amazing. I love that feeling. It's the closest
we've come to time travel.

Speaker 4 (04:54):
Yeah, it really is for real.

Speaker 1 (04:56):
Yeah, wait what about you, Chris?

Speaker 4 (04:58):
I am someone that talks too much about.

Speaker 5 (05:01):
The medical things that so people are tired of hearing
about my hip ript Yeah.

Speaker 3 (05:08):
But I support any story you want to tell Emily
because she's asking you right.

Speaker 5 (05:13):
Well, it is the most notable part is yes, the
conversation you're having. Yeah, and you can tell that they're
trying to see how long you can talk as they
count down, and I try and beat that record and
then wake up what seems like five minutes later, even
though they've been throwing your body fall asleep.

Speaker 1 (05:33):
You fall asleep talking, and then you also wake up talking. Yeah.
What I found really was I was talking, and that's
how I knew I was awake.

Speaker 5 (05:43):
What we talked about on the last episode I had.
They were laughing so hard, and I was telling jokes
and talking about mathematics, and I had no memory of
dreaming these things. But I did wake up while they
were still Yeah, for a colon thing were still working,
but the pain reducing effects of being drugged, we're still

(06:05):
in effects. So I was just conscious and like, hey,
I can tell you're doing a thorough job.

Speaker 2 (06:11):
Keep it up.

Speaker 4 (06:12):
Fellows hugged me.

Speaker 5 (06:14):
It was like it was a good experience every surgery
because you like bond with this team of people.

Speaker 1 (06:21):
I don't know if I bonded with them. I could
tell I was really kind of annoying the nurse, the
recovery nurse, because well, when I woke up, I you know,
I had been awake for a little while but not aware,
so I had already been talking to her for a
little while. And I had a microdiskectomy, which is like
a pretty chill as far as back surgeries go. They

(06:45):
just like kind of go in there with a boba
straw and suck out some like extras.

Speaker 4 (06:53):
So no fusing. That's what scares me.

Speaker 1 (06:56):
No no fusing or anything like that. They were just
like second out the disc material. But the whole thing
was like they didn't know what my recovery was going
to be like until they did the surgery, because they
were like, we got to get in there, we got
to see how bad the tear in your disc is.
And so when I woke up, the first thing I
said was how was the tear? And I had apparently

(07:21):
asked her that thirty times already, and she would tell
me and I would be like, okay, okay, but how
is the tear and she'd be like, I think it
was fine.

Speaker 2 (07:33):
Okay, It small talk aside, how was how was the tear?

Speaker 5 (07:39):
Very first thing I had to get my nose straightened
because it broke, and then a few days later it.

Speaker 4 (07:46):
Was crooked and the guy the nose.

Speaker 5 (07:48):
Doctor that fixed my nose also owned the local ski
area where I worked, where he would come up and
we were digging trenches to put in the snow machine equipment,
and he once tried to put a shovel on the
ground and his knee quivered and he almost fell down.
And he looked so much like mister Burns breaking ground

(08:10):
that my my buddy and I that worked together, my
very good friend, we called him mister Burns for years.
So during my no straightening thing, I was just doing
mister Burns impressions, calling him mister Burns.

Speaker 4 (08:24):
Let me speed in this news.

Speaker 5 (08:27):
And my mom was there while I was. I wasn't
under I think it was cocaine. Uh so, again great experience,
but I made. I was roasting him and calling him
mister Burns, and I had no memory.

Speaker 2 (08:39):
Did he like it or hate it?

Speaker 4 (08:40):
He hated it and he was an employer.

Speaker 1 (08:43):
Yeah, that's why your nose looks like that now.

Speaker 4 (08:45):
And he did not do it.

Speaker 1 (08:47):
That's my favorite.

Speaker 4 (08:49):
That's my favorite game. I'm glad that you just started
playing it where.

Speaker 5 (08:54):
You we all should do a version of it where
you are you do agreeing? Yeah, you're an agreeing in
someone insulting you, and then yeah, that's what I asked.

Speaker 1 (09:08):
Why, et cetera. Okay, So then I had the surgery,
and then a week and a half later, while I'm
still very much recovering from the surgery, my dog needs
back surgery too. He got like a sympathy herniated disc.
And now my entire life revolves around like my recovery

(09:31):
has been great because newsflash, the tear wasn't so bad.
It turns out.

Speaker 2 (09:35):
Turns out when you finally got that information.

Speaker 1 (09:37):
Finally got an info maybe two weeks later from the surgeon,
who was the person I should have been asking. Apparently,
when I talked to the surgeon after the surgery, I
just asked him what do I do with the back brace?

Speaker 2 (09:48):
What do I do with it?

Speaker 1 (09:49):
Yeah, because they made me bring it to the hospital,
and I just asked him that over and over again.
I should have been asking him about the tear. But yeah,
I had my follow up a couple weeks later and
they were, yeah, you're fine, but uh, anyway, my dog's
recovery has been a lot harder. He can't walk it,
and so we are we now, I mean, he's getting better,

(10:11):
it's just slow, and we just did not know what
we were signing up for when we got him the surgery.
Because we have to. And this is gonna be a
broken record to anyone I've talked to in the last
couple of months. We have to express his bladder four
times a day.

Speaker 4 (10:24):
Oh, it won't express.

Speaker 1 (10:28):
That's where my mother in law is.

Speaker 2 (10:30):
Can you play this song by Madonna express himself?

Speaker 1 (10:35):
Yeah, he will not express himself. He's very repressed.

Speaker 2 (10:38):
I've got to make him.

Speaker 1 (10:40):
Yeah, I know. I mean, it doesn't matter how much
therapy we give him, and it.

Speaker 4 (10:44):
Goes a little something like this carpet. I'm tired.

Speaker 2 (10:49):
Your dog's wearing a conbra. Sorry, now we're.

Speaker 5 (10:52):
Okay, instead of around the neck.

Speaker 1 (10:57):
So four times a day we're taking him outside just
squeezing him.

Speaker 4 (11:02):
How do you Is that like an anal thing?

Speaker 1 (11:04):
You know, it's it's you're just kind of in their abdomen.
You're basically you're find the bladder. It's sort of like
finding They say it's like finding a water balloon inside
a bigger water balloon, which is accurate.

Speaker 4 (11:19):
So that's a lot of pressure.

Speaker 1 (11:21):
Yeah, and then you have to exert a lot of
pressure on it too. To you have to trap it
and then squeeze it to sort of empty it.

Speaker 4 (11:28):
And it has to be in a public place like
a park.

Speaker 1 (11:31):
For maximum humiliation, it has to be on a webcam.
Oh my god, now his pill pillow?

Speaker 4 (11:39):
Oh my god.

Speaker 1 (11:41):
Every day I think the Lord that he does not
have a cell phone to call with, And yeah, we
have to.

Speaker 2 (11:48):
So we have.

Speaker 3 (11:50):
Immediately thought of my dog Blossom, where she would be
fucking calling me constantly.

Speaker 2 (11:55):
God, if she had a phone.

Speaker 1 (11:58):
You just heard a noise in front room, should be like.

Speaker 2 (12:00):
Where are you?

Speaker 4 (12:00):
Where are you?

Speaker 1 (12:01):
Are you coming back? You're coming back? What's going on?

Speaker 4 (12:03):
Uh?

Speaker 1 (12:05):
And so yes, we have to we have to squeeze
this out of him, and you have to be pretty
thorough or they'll get a uti. Oh and uh. It's
gotten to the point where so at first it was
just my husband doing it because I couldn't bend over
for a long time because of my back surgery?

Speaker 2 (12:22):
Are you milking that? I was really like, oh, sorry,
I can't do it.

Speaker 1 (12:25):
Well, now I can't anymore because my surgeon cleared me.
I shouldn't have told my husband that, honestly, Yeah, but
I do feel I felt so guilty that I couldn't
do it. Because you know, he was already taking care
of me. And then and then it got to a
point where it was like, well, we need to put
his spine in a cabinet so nothing happens to it
because we need one spine in the house that works,

(12:47):
like we.

Speaker 2 (12:48):
Can't have one more spine go down?

Speaker 1 (12:49):
No, no, wait is extremely load bearing at this point, and.

Speaker 4 (12:54):
That's what cloning's for.

Speaker 3 (12:57):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (12:58):
Uh.

Speaker 1 (12:59):
But so now I'm learning how to do the expression thing,
and I ideally like to get to a point where
we it can be like a one person job, like
he can do it sometimes. I can do it sometimes
because right now it's both of us so and and
I can't do it alone because I can't. I haven't
figured out how to finish. I can't finish him right.

(13:22):
I can do it when he's full because it's real
easy to find, you know, the bladder in that. But
but you it takes a lot of strength and I'm
not there yet, and so.

Speaker 5 (13:32):
It's been a two man job for me. I mean,
why did your dogs what's your dog online? Exposing breaders?

Speaker 1 (13:42):
He's just like he's a long, low boy, and so
it's kind of like they're like ticking time bombs, and
so we bought him all the ramps and stuff, but
he wouldn't use them very religiously. So, uh, we don't
know what he did. But just one day he was
limping and we were like, uh oh, but so so
I recently last week built right now, it's just called

(14:05):
the contraption. We don't have a good name for it yet.
I built a contraption, a temple grind and squeezer. Honestly
kind of it's not a squeezer, but it's just like
a hitch. It's like a cage that we can it's
made out of PBC that we can hook his harness
to so that it can theoret because the way we
were doing it before was like one person had to

(14:26):
hold up his rear end with the harness and the
while the other person squeezed. And so now you can
hook the harness onto the contraption and then one person can.

Speaker 2 (14:38):
Just do it hands free, squeeze it hands squeezing.

Speaker 4 (14:40):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (14:41):
Meanwhile, he's also in I mean, is this boring medical stuff?

Speaker 4 (14:45):
It's about it. I don't like it.

Speaker 1 (14:46):
Okay, he's also in physical therapy. He and I are
both in physical therapy, and the overlap between the concepts
between us is kind of startling.

Speaker 4 (14:55):
Do you have to go and bring the dog into
a pool?

Speaker 2 (14:58):
Oh? Yeah.

Speaker 1 (14:59):
He just started doing aqua therapy where they put them
they put him on the treadmill in the tank.

Speaker 6 (15:03):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (15:04):
I've seen lots of those things.

Speaker 1 (15:05):
Yeah, oh yeah, it's pretty fun. But I was telling
his physical and they're also he was doing acupuncture for
a while, but our our vet lost their acupuncturists.

Speaker 4 (15:18):
Yeah. They're hard to come by.

Speaker 2 (15:19):
Yeah, And I think in terms of credibility.

Speaker 1 (15:21):
It's one of those well, it's one of those things
too where they're like, they're acupuncture is left and they're
not going to hire a new one because a recession
is coming. And for some reason, dog acupuncture is one
of the first things that people eliminate from their budgets
when a recession hits, which just doesn't make a lot
of sense to me. But okay, But he does do
physical therapy, and I was telling his physical therapist about

(15:44):
the contraption, and I showed her pictures of it, and
she got really excited and she was like, can you
bring it in?

Speaker 2 (15:51):
Yes?

Speaker 1 (15:51):
Can you bring it in on at your next appointment?

Speaker 4 (15:54):
Wait, maybe you should go stop by shark tank.

Speaker 3 (15:57):
Yeah, I was gonna say, I think you absolutely need
to tell her this is poor man to be written
through the mail or whatever.

Speaker 1 (16:04):
I mailed this to myself because.

Speaker 5 (16:07):
It could be Could you use it for common things
like brushing a dog's teeth something that people don't ever do?

Speaker 1 (16:15):
Probably not, I mean, but what she said was, so
we brought it in and we were just using it
for the expression. But she was like, you can use
this for his exercises at home. Oh, you can like
connect him to it and do a bunch of it.
And she showed us a bunch of She's like, this
is incredible. This is a field where people just aren't
making that many products. Yeah, and you are, and I am.

Speaker 2 (16:38):
And I'm like, I am.

Speaker 1 (16:39):
I am the person from the infomercial who's like, there's
got to be a better way. I've said that out
loud so many times in the.

Speaker 6 (16:46):
Last bot dog You're an expression, I'm like, and you
can only google so many things with that without getting flagged.

Speaker 2 (16:58):
The government is now on your app.

Speaker 1 (17:00):
But first of all, okay, I was very proud of
this thing that I built, and so to bring it
in and have her be so excited, it's like you know,
when you find the perfect audience, yes, for something you're
working on. It was so ground I'm honestly still riding
the high it was earlier today.

Speaker 2 (17:17):
And also, oh really it was the same. Oh I
love this is breaking news.

Speaker 1 (17:21):
Breaking news is like I got so validated by this.
But now because she wants us to use it with
his physical therapy exercises, We're like, well, we're not going
to haul this thing in and out of the house
all that.

Speaker 4 (17:30):
Time, and now she's going to make her own.

Speaker 5 (17:32):
I'm just saying, when you find the perfect audience sometimes,
like the time I opened for I can't say his
name to start doing my jokes. Oh yeah, yeah, it
sounds like it. You need to get it mass produced.

Speaker 1 (17:45):
I mean, I would love to make some of the
money back that I spent on PVC pipe and fittings. Yes,
because I did spend more than I should have on it.

Speaker 3 (17:54):
But then we were like kind of finessing it right, Yeah,
you're getting it exactly how you need it.

Speaker 1 (17:59):
It's still in. But I had to go I had
to make two trips to go get like new fittings
because I was like, this isn't stable enough. I need
to adjust it. And I had leftover PVC pipe and
fittings from my Halloween costume, and I already had a
PVC cutter, so I thought it would be lower cost
than it was, but I did end up spending about
one hundred dollars on it. So I do think, but

(18:19):
now we need a second one, because I mean we
need an inside one on an outside.

Speaker 2 (18:24):
You need to be backed in some way.

Speaker 1 (18:26):
Yeah, sharks.

Speaker 3 (18:27):
If I watched Shark Tank, i'd know the line to
say to you, Oh, I'm like Sharks, I'm in.

Speaker 2 (18:31):
For this much money.

Speaker 3 (18:32):
But truly, I mean I'm I'm a believer in Emily
Heller anyway.

Speaker 2 (18:36):
But this idea where.

Speaker 3 (18:37):
I'm like, you're gonna go off into dog therapeutic equipment, yes,
absolutely right, yeah.

Speaker 1 (18:45):
And it does feel not stable, like it is gonna
fall apart. If my dog weighed more than seventeen pounds,
this would not work. But I think it's gonna work.
And then I realized that I also had something in
the yard that I could just use for a second one,
but I need to attach a length of chain to it.
So that's why I want to go to the dog.

Speaker 4 (19:03):
The dog is dangling.

Speaker 1 (19:05):
The dog is dangling, Yes, it's not dangling that much.
His feet are kind of like just above the ground.

Speaker 2 (19:12):
You know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (19:13):
But for the for the physical therapy exercises, he needs
to be lowered a little bit.

Speaker 2 (19:18):
We know, Chris is a great fabricator of.

Speaker 1 (19:21):
Thing, are you?

Speaker 4 (19:22):
Yeah?

Speaker 5 (19:23):
I mean, thank you, But it's usually, like you said,
Halloween costumes and.

Speaker 1 (19:29):
Yeah, wait, what is what's a fabrication that you're most
proud of?

Speaker 4 (19:33):
Oh? I mean things I made in art school.

Speaker 5 (19:38):
Yeah, I welded a giant tree and hunging metal Clansman
from it.

Speaker 4 (19:46):
Someone liked it so much they stole it and did
affect my grade.

Speaker 5 (19:50):
But I yeah, just sculpture type things like yeah, oh.

Speaker 1 (19:54):
God, I should have called you like a couple of
weeks ago when I was racking my brains about.

Speaker 5 (20:00):
And yeah, basic carpentry. That's why I'm so interested in.
I really want to see I.

Speaker 1 (20:04):
Should show you. Wait, yeah, you want me to show
you a picture?

Speaker 4 (20:07):
Yes, I do want to, Okay, Yeah, And I want
to know.

Speaker 5 (20:10):
If the the legs as they dangle above the ground,
does the dog instinctively kind of run were not.

Speaker 1 (20:17):
While he's being expressed, but when we walk him, we
do kind of carry him sometimes we'll go on like
a short little walk in front of the house and.

Speaker 2 (20:26):
He will.

Speaker 1 (20:29):
He will kick his legs. I started to do that.

Speaker 4 (20:31):
Here you go, my friend, I love it. Oh wow, So.

Speaker 1 (20:35):
That's neat expression station.

Speaker 2 (20:39):
That's really cute. And yeah the expression station.

Speaker 4 (20:45):
Yeah, well, it's just go in there and be you.

Speaker 2 (20:50):
And express express your urine. Uh huh.

Speaker 1 (20:54):
We also we also have to unfortunately express his bowels,
which uh which like the VET and how squeamish are
your listeners, I don't know how.

Speaker 2 (21:08):
How great they love all things.

Speaker 1 (21:10):
Okay, so the VET initially was like they you can
do this thing because we were like, what do we
do about poop? And they were like, it'll just come
out whenever it's ready. Yeah, and she was like, but
you can do this thing called match sticking, where you
put some vacoline on a cue tip and just like
stick it in their buttole real quick and then it'll
trigger the response.

Speaker 5 (21:32):
Match sticking already sounds like something that was coined at
a bath house.

Speaker 2 (21:37):
It was actually I.

Speaker 1 (21:38):
Think coined at like a uh I think it was
from racehorses or something. Okay, but when I was looking
up how to do match sticking, I luckily found out
that what you can also do is you can take
an ice cube and you can just hold it on
the anus. Oh, it'll have the same effect. So now

(21:58):
he gets a nightly cubing as well.

Speaker 3 (22:01):
You're becoming an expert in all of the most disgusting
things you can.

Speaker 1 (22:04):
Absolutely this is knowledge I'm going to have no use
for in a year.

Speaker 4 (22:08):
I hope.

Speaker 5 (22:09):
Well, once you start inventing other products. Yeah, I'm I'm
very excited about this huture endeavors.

Speaker 4 (22:17):
If you already don't have a bunch of things.

Speaker 3 (22:19):
Going on, I mean, like, I think the next step
is the human expression station. Oh just you know there's
pervs out there that will pay upwards of five thousand
dollars just.

Speaker 1 (22:30):
To have someone to squeeze squeeze their bladder. And don't
you get the get the last little bit out right.
I don't know if I could do it on a person.
I mean, yeah, I'm still getting the hang of the dog.

Speaker 3 (22:45):
You come with every single expression station where it's me Emily,
I'm this, I'll show you.

Speaker 2 (22:51):
All your things.

Speaker 4 (22:52):
And even though it doesn't come up much here, So
the giraffe version, I love it.

Speaker 5 (22:58):
I just I wanted to know about the running in
air because when I was younger, my friend she had
a pug that would swim and love swimming. But yeah,
before she put the dog in the water, the dog
would be like a few inches above water.

Speaker 1 (23:14):
And start start the kicking.

Speaker 5 (23:16):
So you drop it on the water and it would
take off like a motor boat, like like.

Speaker 4 (23:20):
All of a sudden, leaving a little wake.

Speaker 1 (23:23):
Oh I love that.

Speaker 4 (23:24):
Yeah, swim and pugs.

Speaker 2 (23:26):
Well, we're at the do It Center.

Speaker 3 (23:27):
Do you want to go in and get your length
your my favorite phrase right now?

Speaker 2 (23:31):
Length of chain?

Speaker 1 (23:32):
Yes, a short length of chain and possibly a hook.

Speaker 2 (23:36):
Let's do this.

Speaker 5 (23:36):
This this for another pet related this is it is so,
this is for the outside.

Speaker 1 (23:42):
So now, okay, I'm repurposing. I have a raised bed
planter stand that I'm repurposing as a second expression station
and it's almost ready, but it needs a short length
of chain to be finished.

Speaker 2 (23:54):
This one's going to be better than when you say
short length of chain. It seems like you're joking and
you're not time. You're not joking. Yeah, you really love it.

Speaker 5 (24:03):
I bet when you ask for that in here, they're
going to ask you there you're gonna set off an
alarm and they're gonna ask about your well being.

Speaker 2 (24:10):
Yeah, that's right, it's for dogs.

Speaker 1 (24:13):
It's for my.

Speaker 4 (24:13):
Shooting dogs year. Okay, should we do it? Well?

Speaker 2 (24:19):
Pause pause, yeah all right, Oh wait we're back. Hold
on is it? Can we turn it back down?

Speaker 1 (24:29):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (24:29):
Sure, okay, yeah, it's we figured out the EC.

Speaker 4 (24:33):
It had to be synced.

Speaker 2 (24:35):
What length of chanin did you get?

Speaker 1 (24:37):
I got two feet and I did not get a bag,
and I don't know why I so I just walked
out of there with it. I had to get them
to cut it for me. Oh ship, because they just
have them on spools.

Speaker 2 (24:47):
It was like on a big hose wheel thing.

Speaker 4 (24:49):
And you walked out holding it like a gang member
from the Warriors.

Speaker 2 (24:52):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (24:52):
And I also got three carabineers.

Speaker 2 (24:55):
Smart. Yah, you just that's just nice to like.

Speaker 1 (25:00):
Yeah, yeah, it's pretty nice.

Speaker 3 (25:03):
Right, And you're going to hang this in front when
you don't when you want to line to form around
the express yourself.

Speaker 5 (25:08):
Yeah, here's what you can do with your carabineers. Yeah,
this goes on your belt loop. Okay, these are for
my garage. I gat them off locked the garage.

Speaker 4 (25:17):
Then I'm just saying carabineers carabineers.

Speaker 1 (25:20):
I mean, look, I have a bunch at home already,
but you can always use more. I kind of panicked
because I was like, I don't know what else I
need for this, because I need.

Speaker 2 (25:27):
A red carpet.

Speaker 4 (25:28):
Look, yeah, who wearing?

Speaker 1 (25:32):
Yeah it's from my dog's piss machine.

Speaker 2 (25:35):
Pillars magical piss machine.

Speaker 4 (25:36):
Yeah, red carpet, Yeah, from dog'sis machine. Give me up?

Speaker 3 (25:50):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (25:50):
Where I should put these somewhere so they stop jangling?

Speaker 2 (25:53):
I mean, please?

Speaker 5 (25:55):
Yeah, Haunted by my old partner, I'm.

Speaker 1 (26:02):
Really glad I got that knocked off because I had
been cannibalizing one of our hanging hammock chairs for parts.

Speaker 2 (26:11):
This dog's spine has taken over your life.

Speaker 1 (26:14):
Honestly, I probably should have gotten God, I should have
gotten another length of chain so that I could return
that chain to I'm really hoping that, like this was,
we don't know how long it's going to take before
he can pee on his own again, And I'm hoping
it resolves before we entertain people again in the yard,
and that way I can return the chain to its

(26:34):
rightful place.

Speaker 3 (26:35):
But summertime might be canceled at the Heller home.

Speaker 5 (26:38):
I think so far it is I think it's for entertaining.
It's the only reason I want to come over.

Speaker 4 (26:43):
I want to see this baby in action.

Speaker 1 (26:45):
You want to see a show stud dog to study dog. Yeah,
it's extra for the cube you again, that's more of
a show.

Speaker 4 (26:57):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (26:57):
No, anyway, So that's like my life right now is that,
And it's been very It's all consuming because it's it's
four times a day. So yeah, I'm trying to I'm
my goal right now is to make it a one
person job so that we can at least alternate and
leave the house on a more flexible schedule. Oh god,

(27:19):
but yeah, it's it's a lot other than that.

Speaker 5 (27:22):
I just think a version of this where you can
use it to wash dogs, just keep them still and
hanging in a temple grandin way where they're like home.

Speaker 2 (27:32):
They love it. Okay.

Speaker 1 (27:33):
I did look into They have like dog grooming arms
that attached to a table, so you can groom a dog.
But I was like, but I'm not gonna squeeze his
piss out on a table, right, I don't want to
do that. That is how they do it at the vet.
But they're they're like, he should do it in a
place where he normally peas so that when he's like
ready to pee on his own again. But the thing

(27:53):
about my dog is he gets really into like his
little ceremonies mm hmm, like all the little Sarah pemonies
of a dog's life, and he starts to take them
as sort of like very vital Richmond. He's just like
a little mutt. But he's like he's like a mix
of every kind of like lap dog.

Speaker 4 (28:12):
Yeah, is this dog? Buster?

Speaker 1 (28:14):
No, that's my that was my parents' dog.

Speaker 4 (28:16):
Oh yeah, see I remember, yes, yeahs Buster busting Buster.

Speaker 1 (28:24):
But that's pretty good any heller you did? Oh yeah,
that's your mom. Yeah. I used to do a joke
about how my mom would try and get the dog
to do a trick, and it was just her repeating
his name over.

Speaker 2 (28:35):
It's great, and now I'm her.

Speaker 1 (28:39):
I'm turning into her right because the dog won't even
piss normal and I'm still I still love him and
I'm catering to him. Spent I've spent so much money
on making this dog piss. But anyway, yeah, and now
now add uh fifteen seventy five to the total.

Speaker 2 (28:58):
Damn it.

Speaker 1 (28:59):
Yeah, but I expense this because I'm on a podcast,
So I'm like, oh, this is a business.

Speaker 2 (29:04):
Extens That's right, it was all it was all around
the conversation. You were forced to do it.

Speaker 3 (29:08):
Also, I wonder what if you're like that man in
uh like Florida that builds it starts as, oh, it's
just to express his piss, but after a while it's
like Emily's been working on the expression station and now
she's put she's gluing pieces of horl to it.

Speaker 1 (29:24):
I mean I did have some decoration ideas. I was like,
I gotta jazz this thing up, Yeah, just to make
it a little bit more cheerful. Yeah, how like at
you know, at a kid's dentist, they have like a
bunch of cartoons and stuff on the wall. Yeah, Like, yeah,
I should get some like bones to like hang from
it like a mobile. I don't know, yah, but but yeah, no, Like,

(29:45):
have you been to Robo lights in Palm Springs. No,
I don't know if it's still open. I think that
they like shut it down. But it's the same kind
of thing where it was this uh sort of conceptual artist.
He started building these sculptures in his dad's backyard that
turned into just like at least an acre of giant

(30:07):
structures covered in Christmas lights. They're all painted really like
brightening on colors and it's all made out of like
salvage trash. But there's like dinosaurs and it's kind of
vaguely Christmas themed also, but there's millions of lights on it.
And you used to be able to go visit during Christmas.
It would get crazy and that's why they shut it

(30:29):
down because it was just like in the middle of
a residential street in Palm Springs. But he worked on
it for like thirty years, just a building more and
more onto it. Yeah, it's really cool if you look
at pictures of it.

Speaker 4 (30:41):
I've seen it, but not lit up, and so I didn't.

Speaker 1 (30:44):
Yeah, fully, yeah, I've seen it in the daytime, and
like they would do like you could just show up
and be like can I have a tour and he
would give you a tour of it, or like let
you walk around, and it's really there's like little he
made like a little carousel where all the seats are toilets,
and yeah, there's a bunch of like mannequins and stuff. Yeah, anyway,

(31:06):
that's gonna be me for sure. But it's all dog
stuff that.

Speaker 3 (31:10):
Has the vibe. There's a in my hometown. There's a
like a metal sculptor. I don't know, there's probably a
specific name for it. But he builds like thirty foot
roosters and he brings them to Burning Man.

Speaker 2 (31:26):
Oh and he's.

Speaker 3 (31:27):
Based and so he keeps them in this kind of
like parking lot that's along Washington at Boulevard, so you
can kind of see it when you drive around my hometown.
And my dad found out because he was like, what's
that chicken? And he found out what the guy did
and is like he thinks it's the greatest thing in
the world where like you go by and now there's
like a huge mermaid holding a big shell. But it's

(31:49):
all like the rusty metal sculpture.

Speaker 4 (31:52):
Yeah, that's what I wanted to do in college. But
it is so expensive. Yeah, I've been salvaged. It's like that.

Speaker 5 (32:00):
Tree with the Lynch Clansman cost me at the time,
I had no money and to buy all the metal
for it. I yeah, you think it'd be like a
couple bucks a pound, but I'd spent hundreds of dollars
just to make it.

Speaker 1 (32:13):
They don't tell you about DIY. They sometimes costs just.

Speaker 5 (32:18):
As much right, And I just now realized it was
not stolen because someone loved the sculpture. Yeah, they wanted
that metal or they needed the sculpture.

Speaker 2 (32:27):
Could be that.

Speaker 5 (32:29):
I mean, yeah, at the time, I thought, well, those
people aren't around anymore.

Speaker 4 (32:34):
But now they're everywhere where they were in nineteen ninety seven.

Speaker 5 (32:38):
Damn, wow, are you I'm about to change the subject
to me?

Speaker 4 (32:45):
When I do so, I an now, I dare you?

Speaker 5 (32:47):
Do you have any closing statements about the current subjects?

Speaker 1 (32:52):
I'm sure more will pop up?

Speaker 4 (32:55):
Why are you? I know you took a break. Are
you doing end up?

Speaker 1 (33:00):
You know I have. I still haven't done stand up again.
I've started started to think about I kind of want
to like do something about I've been doing a lot
of like I don't think I want to do just
stand up, stand up again because that feels like the
green rooms. I don't feel ready to go back anyway.

Speaker 5 (33:19):
I get all the reasons. Yeah, I struggle with these
reasons in my head all the time. That I am
addicted to the immediate gratification.

Speaker 1 (33:29):
Yeah, I mean, that's that's what I want that I
but I I kind of want to write like a
solo show or something. Yeah, yeah, all about this stuff
and then it ends with me bringing the dog out
and I do it in front of every.

Speaker 4 (33:46):
Wait, this is it? This podcast episode?

Speaker 5 (33:52):
It was riddled with listen to it.

Speaker 3 (33:57):
Emily Heller's Length of Change, My short length of short length.

Speaker 5 (34:03):
The expression station colon colon Emily Heller's Length of Change.

Speaker 2 (34:08):
You have two options, right.

Speaker 1 (34:11):
Yeah or Chris Yeah or Chris the highway you workshop
it right right?

Speaker 4 (34:22):
I'm excited.

Speaker 1 (34:23):
I but I I've been doing a lot of I
don't clown why Although actually I did take a clown
class for the first time a couple of weeks ago.

Speaker 2 (34:31):
How did you feel about it?

Speaker 1 (34:32):
I actually really enjoyed it. It was really short, and
it was it was at my summer camps. We had
a reunion at my summer camp and so it was
my friend was teaching it and I went to like
a circus and performing arts camp and it was it
was enjoyable. It was a very sweet little time.

Speaker 4 (34:48):
When did you go to the circus and performing arts camp.

Speaker 1 (34:51):
From ages twelve to twenty?

Speaker 4 (34:53):
How?

Speaker 2 (34:54):
What in San Francisco?

Speaker 1 (34:56):
It was in it's in far northern California, but it's
in Laytonville. But it was started by Wavy Gravy. It's
called Camp Win a Rainbow, and it's like, yeah, it
was a circus in performing arts, and I was a
counselor there too. I talked the poetry class.

Speaker 2 (35:11):
Amazing.

Speaker 4 (35:12):
Of course you have a good career.

Speaker 2 (35:16):
Her parents supported her in the arts in every way.

Speaker 5 (35:19):
Possibly I was doing archery at a Bible camp just
because I wanted a canoeing and you had a supportive
arts camp.

Speaker 2 (35:27):
Yeah, damn it.

Speaker 1 (35:28):
But look when lost in the woods, who's gonna.

Speaker 4 (35:30):
Survive the man with a relationship with Jesus.

Speaker 1 (35:35):
Yeah, I can kind of walk on stilts. Although I
was like, I really wanted to try it again, but
I was like, I feel like my back surgeon would
not be.

Speaker 2 (35:46):
Literally cut to.

Speaker 3 (35:47):
The second you get up there and then cut to him,
and it's like, you have got to be kidding me.

Speaker 1 (35:50):
Yeah, just immediately, like how did you? You must have
injured yourself doing something very important, right.

Speaker 3 (35:56):
The nurses like, you don't care about that disc tissue question,
you don't care about the tear.

Speaker 2 (36:04):
You lied about caring about the tears.

Speaker 1 (36:07):
But so I did take a clown class there, but
I do want to I've been doing a lot of
research about my uh my family tree. For some reason,
it just as a rabbit hole that I went down
because my husband and I were going to go on
a trip. We went to We took like a train
trip through New York last fall, and we stopped in Rochester,

(36:29):
which is where some of my ancestors are from, like
my great grandma. Oh really, yeah, cool, I mean whereabouts.
I don't know anything about Rochester. We were there for
like twelve hours, but we went to Mount Hope Cemetery,
where my great grandmother and a bunch of my other
ancestors are buried. And so I was like, I'll just

(36:50):
I started looking up, like, oh, maybe I'll just see
if we have anyone else buried there. And then just
hours and hours later, I'm on ancestry dot com finding
out how much cousin marrying there is in my family.
That just so much cousin marrying. Yes, so I have
my dad is Jewish, so we don't know anything about them.

Speaker 4 (37:13):
Those records are gone.

Speaker 1 (37:14):
Yeah, but my mom's side, they're like Mayflower people, and
so there's like Massachusetts Bay Colony stuff. And I have
an ancestor who his first wife died of mysterious circumstances,
and he accused another woman in town of causing the
death via witchcraft. And this is like right before the

(37:35):
Salem witch trials really started.

Speaker 2 (37:37):
Oh shit.

Speaker 1 (37:38):
And then he married, he remarried, and that's who I'm
descended from. But four generation and so he accused someone
else of witchcraft. She was tried and acquitted. Oh and
she was tried and acquitted again like thirty years later,
and four generations later their families intermarried. So I am

(37:58):
descended from both both the accused witch and the accuser.

Speaker 3 (38:03):
The witches you couldn't burns and.

Speaker 2 (38:06):
Also the burners.

Speaker 5 (38:07):
It turns out, Yeah, you gotta be really innocent to
get away with witchcraft.

Speaker 2 (38:11):
I mean, to truly be double acquitted.

Speaker 1 (38:14):
I think she was. Also she was married to the
richest guy in town, and I think that maybe had
more to do with it.

Speaker 4 (38:19):
My god, but.

Speaker 1 (38:20):
I'm finding a bunch of like really really interesting stuff
in there, and I have absolutely nothing to.

Speaker 2 (38:26):
Do with me.

Speaker 4 (38:26):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (38:27):
Like I did the same thing when I went to Fairbanks, Alaska,
because they almost jokingly said are you related to Charles W.

Speaker 4 (38:34):
Fairbanks?

Speaker 5 (38:35):
That led to my mayflowery or some colonialist than Fairbanks.

Speaker 4 (38:40):
And then I should just stopped at that.

Speaker 5 (38:43):
As I found out his wife I'm related to on
my mom's side, so I am because my parents met,
I'm first generation inbred and I didn't. But it's but
it's also, like you said, cousins and it's been a.

Speaker 1 (39:00):
Long but it's kind of honestly, it's kind of nice
to be like, maybe that's why I'm such a fuck up,
you know what I mean? Like anytime I forget to
do something, I can just be like, you know what
you saw how much cousin marrying there was in my
family trading the chromosome?

Speaker 2 (39:14):
Yeah, challenged in this.

Speaker 1 (39:15):
Yeah, well obviously I'm not coming out perfect exactly.

Speaker 5 (39:19):
The joke that I came out of it with is
it's the same as pure bread, and that's maybe why
I have a bad hip, and right like it is,
I'm a purebread human. Yeah, because it didn't bother my brain.
You know, you guys would all agree with that, right, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (39:36):
I know you're great of baggage with that term using
it around people, either, I think.

Speaker 5 (39:41):
Right right, I want to coin I really think that
should be the new phrase.

Speaker 4 (39:46):
Yeah, because yeah, a lot of people are bringing that
our word back and it's not right now, pure bread.

Speaker 5 (39:54):
Celebrating it's they're worth more right than rest of us.

Speaker 1 (40:00):
I see, I was thinking that it was it sounded
a little arian, a little right.

Speaker 4 (40:06):
I forgot that's what that means.

Speaker 1 (40:09):
No, it's.

Speaker 4 (40:11):
Misused of the word pure. Yeah, darn it.

Speaker 3 (40:15):
But I do think Emily with all all of what
you're you guys are talking about is a one man
show of my roots my dog.

Speaker 1 (40:24):
I mean, we also got our dog DNA tested a
while ago to see like what his breed was.

Speaker 4 (40:30):
Fam dogs.

Speaker 1 (40:31):
Well, that's the thing, is I what I wanted. So
apparently like they'll they'll tell you like what mix of dogs. Like,
they'll be like, oh, he's like two percent poodle or whatever,
you know, and that that stuff is obviously kind of
bullshit because they don't really that's not like a real
they don't really know. But what they can do is
they can tell you if they have any relatives in
the system. And what I really wanted was, I was like,

(40:54):
I want to find his like brother and see if
they have pictures of them when they were puppies.

Speaker 2 (40:59):
This is all I want.

Speaker 1 (41:00):
All I want is to see what my dog looked
like as a puppy. And so like he's got a
bunch of like first cousins in the system. Would you
believe it? None of them will write me back. Keep
trying to like connect with these people. No one cares.

Speaker 4 (41:17):
Have you tried putting a little paw print? So they
think it's from.

Speaker 2 (41:20):
The dog from the desk of.

Speaker 1 (41:24):
But I'll be like, tell me, tell me Winston's story.
They're a you know, they're a twenty six percent match.
That's as related as first cousins. Tell me something about Winston.

Speaker 5 (41:34):
Someone's not take they've been burned by some scam or something.
They're not reading it because that's like anyone would be
excited to get that. You know what you emailed? Right?

Speaker 1 (41:44):
Every dog that he is like kind of related to
on there, every single one is a purebread Shitsu. And
he is not a purebread Shitsu at all. But I
guess one of his grandparents was. And so I think
all those people are on there just to confirm, like, Okay, yeah,
my dog's a pure bread So.

Speaker 3 (42:04):
This is your talking about some a K C. Kennel
whatever those people called.

Speaker 1 (42:08):
In Bark Oh, it's like it's like a doctor testing company. Yeah, yeah,
bark in Bark. It's a it's a pun because the
word in bark also is related to it has nothing
to do with DNA testing. It's a terrible pun, but.

Speaker 2 (42:25):
It's not at all.

Speaker 1 (42:26):
Yeah, but yeah, I feel like there's a connection there.

Speaker 3 (42:30):
It's like maybe instead of a short length of chain,
the name of this one woman show or man show,
how you want to say, it will be parallel lives
and it's just all the ways you and your dog
are going through the same.

Speaker 1 (42:41):
Shit, right, I mean, that's a really that's a really
good point.

Speaker 3 (42:44):
And then at the end you put yourself into an
expressing machine.

Speaker 5 (42:49):
I hope you're getting inspired to do this show because
you have to do it.

Speaker 4 (42:53):
Karl's producing. Yeah, cool, I will do.

Speaker 1 (42:56):
I did just I did.

Speaker 2 (42:57):
Just readacaprecation.

Speaker 1 (42:59):
I also think okay, and I'm sorry, I'm just workshopping now.
Please tell I think ancestry dot com as a website
is really interesting because it is owned by Mormons, and
it was like they love that stuff, and it's I
the you know, it's in part because they're like really

(43:22):
into like tracking it, but also because they're into the
posthumous baptisms.

Speaker 2 (43:26):
Yes, they're trying to get all the souls on their side.

Speaker 1 (43:30):
Yeah. And one of the things that I found out
in researching my family history is that one of my
ancestors like was like enemies with Joseph Smith. Oh shit,
he's in the Joseph Smith papers.

Speaker 4 (43:45):
Here we go, Yeah, Joseph Dick dingle Heimer.

Speaker 1 (43:49):
Yeah, that name was his name too.

Speaker 4 (43:54):
That's my name.

Speaker 5 (43:54):
Yeah, that's yeah.

Speaker 4 (43:58):
We can high five. It's so hard from the front sie.
Oh yeah.

Speaker 1 (44:03):
But yeah, I feel like there's and I'm also really
think I'm like also kind of obsessed with the whole
thing with Do you remember in the Sony Leaks when
Ben aff when it came out that Ben Affleck got
his episode of Finding Your Roots removed removed because they
didn't air it because he found out that he was
related to slave owners.

Speaker 4 (44:23):
Oh what?

Speaker 1 (44:24):
And it was like he you know, there were emails
between what was her name, Amy something or the woman
from Sony Amy Pascal, Amy Pascal, and Henry Lewis Gates
talking about like they're like, we got this request from
Ben Affleck to not air his episode. Oh wow, and
he was like this is really unusual. I don't usually

(44:45):
do this. But they ended up not airing it. But
then the emails came out yes.

Speaker 4 (44:48):
Wow.

Speaker 3 (44:49):
In the same time at that leak, there were two
people and I can't it was the who's the woman
with the dark It looks like I could play her
if we were going to do a sketch like dark eyebrows,
dark hair, and she ran She was also an executive.
She ran one of those big It doesn't matter anyway.

Speaker 1 (45:12):
This is why my career is not in a better places.
I don't know any of these people's names.

Speaker 4 (45:15):
Right.

Speaker 3 (45:16):
There's people who can always remember those names and that's
why they have their part as the neighbor on the
sitcom forever. But this person and somebody else that's like,
say it's a famous agent or something. The two of
them were doing weight watchers together and trying to keep
each other honest and like talking about it and that

(45:38):
was I think I was in the Baskets writer's room
at the time because John Levenstein was obsessing over it,
where he's just like, I mean, they're talking about points
and they're going back and forth, and like I was like,
this leak has something for everyone. It's like, really did
every every corner of gossip and interest that you can
have in show business.

Speaker 2 (45:58):
It was there.

Speaker 1 (45:59):
Yeah, there's also stuff about I feel like when I
was looking at the ben Affleck stuff, there was also
stuff about Harvey Weinstein with Henry Lewis Gates. They like
asked him to do an event with him, and he
was like, no, he's an asshole.

Speaker 4 (46:15):
I oh wow. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (46:21):
I told my dad about it, said, oh wow, Charles W.
Fairbanks whose family hid runaway slaves in their home.

Speaker 4 (46:31):
So I was like, well, at least I'm on that.

Speaker 1 (46:33):
Oh yeah, the guy who fought with Joseph Smith as he.

Speaker 4 (46:38):
Was also early.

Speaker 3 (46:40):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (46:41):
Uh, not that I do anything to help the world.

Speaker 2 (46:44):
Right now, but it's in my blood and someone else
did it already. I don't have to worry about it.

Speaker 5 (46:48):
And I forgot my My settling was Rochester, Minnesota, not
New York.

Speaker 2 (46:53):
Oh yeah, oh you will go back and change it.

Speaker 4 (46:59):
Yeah, yeah, you ran on soda. I'll just do that
word dub it.

Speaker 2 (47:04):
But Minnesota his.

Speaker 4 (47:06):
Wife Cornelia Cole.

Speaker 5 (47:08):
I looked up and yeah, relatives to my great grandma Cole,
who's my mom's Oh it's yeah. I told my dad
and he was all bummed out, and I'm like, I'm
kind of just coming up with a joke.

Speaker 2 (47:24):
It's not it's not a crisis.

Speaker 4 (47:27):
You don't have to.

Speaker 2 (47:28):
Don't go crazy.

Speaker 5 (47:29):
He's like thinking about the convulsions I had as a baby.

Speaker 1 (47:32):
I mean I have didn't.

Speaker 4 (47:34):
Yeah exactly.

Speaker 5 (47:35):
Who didn't have one hundred and seven fevers and have
to be put in bathtubs of ice?

Speaker 4 (47:39):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (47:40):
Pretty much every child in the thirties.

Speaker 1 (47:42):
Joe Rogan does that for fun now.

Speaker 2 (47:44):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (47:44):
Yeah, are you you're still doing stand up?

Speaker 4 (47:49):
I am? Yeah, I really like it lately.

Speaker 2 (47:53):
Yeah, what are you liking?

Speaker 5 (47:55):
I just I like that it's still working, and and
I just don't enjoy it. I'm not like super happy
with where I'm at with it, but no one really
is even or even at the highest level.

Speaker 4 (48:10):
Everyone wants more.

Speaker 5 (48:11):
But I've just been enjoying through this podcast and through
Karen's other podcast, the best people.

Speaker 4 (48:20):
Have been showing up.

Speaker 5 (48:22):
Yeah, and that is something I didn't experience and wouldn't
have experienced if I was on the road constantly building
up an audience that way, right, So it's I've been
enjoying that.

Speaker 1 (48:35):
Yeah, you have like like people showing up to see you.

Speaker 4 (48:38):
Yeah, do you need a rite of Reno's? Do you need?

Speaker 2 (48:43):
That's what.

Speaker 3 (48:46):
I think.

Speaker 2 (48:46):
I don't like that one because it ends in sores.

Speaker 5 (48:49):
I know, just riddled legions.

Speaker 2 (48:54):
Ye but I yeah, where they dig in and only
in a way.

Speaker 4 (49:04):
So yeah, we have great podcast fans.

Speaker 5 (49:08):
And but I also when I first started, I did
just want to do stand up.

Speaker 4 (49:15):
I knew a lot of comics that were so.

Speaker 5 (49:17):
Good, and and then got writing jobs and and then.

Speaker 4 (49:22):
They didn't miss stand up.

Speaker 5 (49:24):
And I when I've had jobs and sitting in an
office the whole time, I was like, oh my god,
I'm not doing stand up, even though the money is
a little better, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (49:35):
Yeah, the snacks are pretty good too. The snacks are better.

Speaker 4 (49:39):
And yeah, right, come on.

Speaker 5 (49:43):
Well it was kind of the same because when I
had an office, I was right next to the Red
Bull refrigerator, so I was like, little boy, I might
as well be having chicken fingers and whiskey.

Speaker 1 (49:54):
Yeah, but just the grossest nachos that I ate so often.

Speaker 4 (49:58):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (49:59):
Yeah, it's really hard when sometimes my hotel will be
near a grocery store and I you know, you don't
have to do that to yourself.

Speaker 3 (50:10):
Cooking in the comedy condo condo is disgusting.

Speaker 5 (50:15):
Well, I get if they have a suite, I'll be like,
how much to upgrade to the suite, and I'll slide
money over and sometimes they think I want cocaine, but usually.

Speaker 1 (50:26):
You're looking for cocaine. You say how much to upgrade
to the Yeah?

Speaker 5 (50:29):
Yeah for the yeah for the nose sweets, And then
I've been so I'll cook. And it's funny because I
whenever I'm in a hotel, I unpacked my bag, I've
put everything in the drawers, I hang my shirts. I
don't even do that at home. I throw my clothes
on my bed. I'd like becoming a new person when
I'm in ale.

Speaker 1 (50:51):
Yeah you're like, I'm a health nut now. Yeah, Yeah,
I'm gonna buy some some fresh produce and.

Speaker 3 (51:00):
A nice dense bean salad for myself at the comedy
I do.

Speaker 4 (51:04):
I'm like, I'm gonna have to make a smooth.

Speaker 1 (51:06):
And a bean salad that really makes you feel like
you're going to be a different person. I made one
last week and I ate maybe a third of it.
Many different beans, beans, two beans, and then celery, fresh herbs,
dylan parsley, hearts of palm, cucumber, carrots, artichoke carts.

Speaker 2 (51:31):
Any one there no dressing, what dressing?

Speaker 1 (51:36):
I made a little vinaigrette with some fresh lemon juice
and and some pesto, some vegan pesto. You weren't listening
to any of the other I made pasta.

Speaker 4 (51:52):
It sounded like my hearing was setting off an alarm.

Speaker 1 (51:58):
But yeah, I was like, it sounded really good, and
I was like, you know, it's got protein, you know
it's it's gonna be. And then it's just I just
did not eat it.

Speaker 2 (52:06):
It marinatess. It sits there. Can I give you feedback
that you might not want? No, I want it is.

Speaker 3 (52:11):
And this is purely based on my own taste. But
I would have said no carrots. Yeah, I would have
kept it a little soft thematic, Yes, and like soft
and thematic. So it's like the challenge to eat will
be like just that celery. Everything else is like everything
else has some give because and this is embarrassing to say,

(52:32):
I've never made one of these, but I have watched
people make them on TikTok hundreds of times.

Speaker 1 (52:37):
So I'm like, is there like a bean salad TikTok?
I'm not on.

Speaker 2 (52:39):
There's a couple.

Speaker 1 (52:40):
Okay, I gotta get in there.

Speaker 4 (52:42):
Bean Solid Newsletter.

Speaker 2 (52:44):
All of a sudden, do.

Speaker 3 (52:45):
You I won't eat them, but I'll absolutely have opinions
about them.

Speaker 1 (52:47):
I mean, that's the things like my TikTok is just
Love Island. I'm not going on Love Island, but I
have a lot of opinions about it.

Speaker 3 (52:53):
I want to talk about it where I'm like, I've
seen people do it. There's one that's like a buffalo
chickens being solid. That looks like my dream. But then
the other ones are like.

Speaker 1 (53:03):
See, if you can eat meat, what are you fucking with?
Bean salad? For you can?

Speaker 3 (53:08):
Because because what is there to eat ever that isn't
some weird combination of bread chicken for me, like a rice,
some sort of a bread something and chicken.

Speaker 2 (53:21):
Yeah, sometimes I.

Speaker 5 (53:22):
Can eat chicken and I a lot, but I avoid it.
If I'm at home, I don't buy chicken. I'm not
like a murderer.

Speaker 7 (53:31):
So I've been, but I will, you know, if that's
all there is extreme to eat, I'm not a murder.
I'll just go to a murderer's business. And I don't
want to watch.

Speaker 4 (53:43):
I want to reap the benefits.

Speaker 2 (53:45):
I want to look away and benefit.

Speaker 4 (53:47):
But if I can just have a bean, what are
you Kidney Garbanzo.

Speaker 1 (53:51):
I did so I did this is I mean boring
medical stuff. I've been dealing with some gut issues and
I did this like very extensive like blood tests to
find out like what foods were bothering me. And so
now I have just the list of food I'm not.

Speaker 4 (54:04):
Supposed to eat.

Speaker 1 (54:05):
Ok, and it's like half half of the beans on
there I'm supposed to have. I'm not supposed to have soy.
I'm not supposed to have garbanzo beans, I'm not peas,
but I can have kidney beans and I beans.

Speaker 2 (54:17):
I love a kidney bean. Yeah, I think they're the
best one.

Speaker 1 (54:20):
Yeah, what's the I mean, does this bean solad TikTok
have an opinion about what the best beans for being
salad are? Because I'm like, I'm in a sweet spot.

Speaker 3 (54:27):
I'm always saying the chickpea kidney bean combo, maybe even
a canneleaning like kind of larger white bean. Some of
these gals are and I can tell they're pilates ladies.
They're gonna go ahead and put a lineman bean in there,
and I'm gonna be like, you can step out now,
because I don't trust you anymore.

Speaker 1 (54:44):
See, I feel like a lima bean would be pretty good,
you do.

Speaker 2 (54:47):
I think it's too firm.

Speaker 1 (54:49):
I think that's what I want. I think I think
it's too soft and chalky for me as is, and
that might be what's turning me off.

Speaker 5 (54:56):
I think I'm going out on the limb here. Okay,
But if you're gonna make it.

Speaker 4 (54:59):
Sound for me, yeah, better have butter beans.

Speaker 1 (55:05):
Butter Beans are hard to tack down.

Speaker 5 (55:06):
Sometimes it's a very very obscure be fifty two songs.

Speaker 2 (55:13):
One of the best, though no one.

Speaker 5 (55:14):
Knows it, and that's why it was a you have
a song about butterbeans?

Speaker 4 (55:18):
Yeah, yeah, butter bean, butter bean.

Speaker 5 (55:21):
It's when they were pre love Shack album, like when
they were very like.

Speaker 1 (55:26):
No one's connecting with our bean songs. We should write
one about fucking yeah.

Speaker 2 (55:31):
Now we gotta go on rock Lobster. Let's see if
they like the ocean.

Speaker 5 (55:38):
It used to be about the most obscure things, but
with amazing vocal harmonies.

Speaker 2 (55:45):
I really like them that band.

Speaker 4 (55:48):
But yeah, sorry about that. Butter Beans set up.

Speaker 1 (55:51):
You know what you had to do it. You didn't
really have a choice.

Speaker 4 (55:54):
But I'm stomping on the flow.

Speaker 1 (55:59):
I think, honestly, we probably needed something to get us
out of talking about bean salad recipes seriously, because I.

Speaker 3 (56:04):
Was about to interrupt to get back into it, and
I think that don't taren, don't do it, don't reverse
this bus for that ship. I'm like, what about It
just means I'm still not going to eat it?

Speaker 2 (56:17):
Why am I talking about it?

Speaker 3 (56:19):
I'm just gonna order zanku and only have carbs and
never have any beans or vegetables.

Speaker 2 (56:25):
It seems to be my way.

Speaker 1 (56:26):
It ain't it ain't it ain't going in my mate.

Speaker 4 (56:32):
I needed a writer to finish.

Speaker 1 (56:35):
I'm sort of like a Doctor Seuss style rhymer, where
you just make up the word you need to rhyme
with the thing.

Speaker 2 (56:41):
Yeah it's good.

Speaker 4 (56:42):
Yeah, yeah, just make it up. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (56:45):
Think half the musical instruments he was talking about didn't
even exist.

Speaker 4 (56:49):
They just rhymed with sock.

Speaker 2 (56:52):
For what the fuck ever? Yeah?

Speaker 3 (56:53):
Yeah, Emily, do you if you were to be doing anything,
what would you promote?

Speaker 2 (56:58):
Do you want to do? You want to keep to
know about something that you care about?

Speaker 1 (57:02):
I'm doing I've been doing a Jeopardy podcast. What Yeah,
it's called what is a Jeopardy podcast? It is as
far as I know the only comedy podcast about Jeopardy.

Speaker 2 (57:14):
I love this idea.

Speaker 1 (57:15):
It's me and John Collen, Canadian comedian, hilarious person. He's
so funny and he's also currently in the Jeopardy contestant
pool waiting to get the call.

Speaker 4 (57:24):
Holy, that's great because there's a story arc.

Speaker 1 (57:28):
Yeah I am. And we were like, is the podcast
why he got the call? Why he got the audition?

Speaker 2 (57:34):
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 (57:35):
Wow? Okay, we recap the show. We do like the
previous week's games. We pick our favorite anecdotes of the week,
our favorite responses of the week.

Speaker 3 (57:45):
Okay, can I just tell you, Sorry to interrupt you,
this is your story, but my family has watched Jeopardy
every night at like seven o'clock for the last thirty years.
And the fucking night that my favorite murder was one
of the answers or one of the questions. Yeah, it
was preempted by support And I was like, I was like,

(58:07):
people told people got on and told us, and so
I was like, I'm not going to tell my dud.

Speaker 2 (58:11):
I'm just your experience.

Speaker 4 (58:13):
It's everything you've been working.

Speaker 3 (58:17):
Finally he's going to understand truly what this is. And
it's like, and I'm like, Dad, did you watch Jeffardy tonight?
He's like, no, basketball is on And I was like, okay,
touch to you later it was just a lost thing.

Speaker 2 (58:28):
So but yeah, all that is.

Speaker 3 (58:30):
To not just brag that that we were actually on there,
but it really has been a huge part of my
life for so long.

Speaker 2 (58:38):
It's such a good idea.

Speaker 5 (58:39):
And I saw you talk about it or post about it.

Speaker 4 (58:43):
I was like surprised that you cared, because oh no.

Speaker 1 (58:47):
It's a big deal. Did they send you the framed clue?

Speaker 5 (58:51):
No, we just saw it on what I just saw
it on some I mean, there are other signs out
there that people know about that you've done well, but
Jeopardy means a lot and every other TV show basing
a character on you, every I mean, you are Jeopardy Jeopardy.

Speaker 1 (59:13):
It's because it means something to your parents. Yes, exactly,
they get that. It's like this is a it's like
a cultural canon.

Speaker 3 (59:20):
It translates what it's it's what you said, it's like
translating what we do.

Speaker 2 (59:25):
That seems to me.

Speaker 3 (59:27):
I mean, sorry to my dad, what I've been doing
for the past thirty years is drugs and like not
paying my parking tickets, so he has to pay him.

Speaker 2 (59:35):
Like, that's that's what comedy means to my dad and me.

Speaker 5 (59:38):
Well, and you can tell him all I thought he
was doing was climbing trees to get cats.

Speaker 3 (59:47):
Yeah, that's like I will absolutely slam him with that
out of nowhere. He won't, but he is like the
person who is like, my favorite comedian is Ron Lynch.
I'm like, thanks, Dad, I'm so glad. I'm glad you're
getting into comedy.

Speaker 1 (01:00:01):
But so it was my podcast, he might be into it.

Speaker 2 (01:00:04):
He would fucking love it.

Speaker 3 (01:00:05):
I'm not kidding, like I was gonna say, did you
see And I'm sure you guys talked about it. Yeah,
the girl who the question in Final Jeopardy, Yes, the
answer was her great her great aunt.

Speaker 1 (01:00:15):
Yeah, we just talked about that on last week's episode.

Speaker 2 (01:00:18):
That was good.

Speaker 1 (01:00:18):
And then so we also do something where I do
a segment called Jeopardy Fans Are Fuming, where I read
read some clickbait articles that have come out about the
previous week's games and save people some clicks. But then
we also my co host does a deep dive on
one of the Final Jeopardy clues that we think is
interesting and he talked about the Folger Shakespeare Library on

(01:00:42):
the most recent episode. Amazing, but yeah, there was a
there was a clue about, uh, this woman's ancestor that
in her game. We're also I mean, we're kind of
coming to the end of the current season and we're
tonight we're going to find out if Jeopardy breaks the
record for longest streak of One Day Champions. There's been

(01:01:03):
turnover every single game for the last thirteen games, and
so they tied the record yesterday I think, and then
today we'll find out if they break it.

Speaker 2 (01:01:15):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (01:01:16):
Yeah, which is one of the less exciting record breaking
things I've seen on Jeopardy.

Speaker 2 (01:01:19):
But it's interesting though, because are is the reason? Do
you think? I mean, you mnd have a theory immediately.

Speaker 3 (01:01:25):
What comes to mind to me is people are just
getting better at trivia, like they're getting better at playing.

Speaker 1 (01:01:30):
But you know the thing is, I feel like that
lends itself to longer reigning champions because they're still mixed
in with people who like don't care that much about
trivia but made it on the show. I think, what's
going on? We have one of our theories is that
right now, so they just did the Master's Tournament, which
was like really really hard clues as it was like

(01:01:52):
all of the top Jeopardy players. It's like the people
who won the Tournament of Champions and the Jeopardy Invitational
tournament and like people with like really impressive Jeopardy records.
But I think they're including some leftover clues from the
Master's Tournament in the regular games, and so it's just
really hard clues right now.

Speaker 2 (01:02:08):
So they're just blowing people out of the water.

Speaker 1 (01:02:10):
Honestly, I don't know what. I don't know why it's
been like this. There's just hasn't been someone come in
and be super dominant. But it's weird because a lot
of the games, I don't know, a lot of the
games have been runaway wins.

Speaker 2 (01:02:21):
Yeah, it's weird.

Speaker 1 (01:02:22):
I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 2 (01:02:23):
The chemistry is off.

Speaker 3 (01:02:24):
Also, sorry, but if I was on your show, I
would insist that we the entire time talk about how
that fucking executive producer tried to be the host himself,
Like he won my most contest. That is the craziest thing.

Speaker 1 (01:02:37):
So my family tried to dick Cheney himself. It was
why and now he's got a job working for what's
his name, that little.

Speaker 2 (01:02:47):
Weenie jd Vance or somebody like that, the.

Speaker 1 (01:02:51):
Like right wing broadcaster who took Shapiro Ben Shapiro, who, Yeah,
that weenie didn't narrow it.

Speaker 2 (01:03:00):
No, that's there's so many choices now, wow.

Speaker 3 (01:03:04):
But it was such a like when when Ken Jennings
first started hosting, I was like, well, obviously he's just
kind of America's favorite, but he deserves to be the
host because Alex Rebec used to pretend to know the answers,
so he would be.

Speaker 4 (01:03:17):
Like, why my dad didn't like him.

Speaker 5 (01:03:18):
He's like he's acting like he's reprimanding people.

Speaker 4 (01:03:22):
He was mean.

Speaker 2 (01:03:23):
He was so mean.

Speaker 1 (01:03:24):
It's really funny. People remember him so fondly, but you
watch and he was like, he's so mean, and he's
so mean in the anecdotes, I kind of love it.

Speaker 5 (01:03:33):
Dors we we act out plays in the park. Oh
so in other words, dorks, and he didn't losers.

Speaker 2 (01:03:43):
Well.

Speaker 1 (01:03:44):
And then he also was just like so so often
people would just tell their their story and he'd be like.

Speaker 4 (01:03:49):
Okay, yeah, I can't.

Speaker 5 (01:03:53):
I've never been in a group of people that were
willing to bash him just because he died.

Speaker 1 (01:03:59):
I'm not even and badging him. He was kind of
liked it.

Speaker 2 (01:04:02):
It's a fact of Trebec life, is he was just.
But also those.

Speaker 3 (01:04:08):
Even if there's like a person who is nice and social,
those anecdotes, as you well know, are like, when it's
that part and my sister doesn't go through it quick enough,
I'm like, literally like, you cannot leave this playing. I
can't watch people who are already nervous hang themselves out
to dry, okay, and then just move and they're dying

(01:04:32):
and then they're nervous to play this game.

Speaker 1 (01:04:34):
So good at like pulling a joke out of the
boring story and he.

Speaker 2 (01:04:40):
Actually knows the answers for real.

Speaker 1 (01:04:42):
And you know, we've learned from watching it so obsessively
and talking about it so obsessively, we've learned some things
about Ken, which is that And and he kind of
confirmed this theory that when he is hosting and someone
gets a clue correct and he says very nice, it
means he didn't know that. Oh well, when he doesn't

(01:05:05):
say that, that means he did know it. And he
knows most of them, oh wow. And so it's like,
if there's a clue that he didn't know the correct
response to he like kind of congratulates.

Speaker 2 (01:05:13):
People that love it.

Speaker 1 (01:05:15):
Yeah. I love that he's he's in actual smarty pants. Yeah,
and he's really quick and he's really Yeah. I think
he's I think he's great for the job.

Speaker 2 (01:05:24):
He's the best. And that other guy was so bad.

Speaker 3 (01:05:28):
He was so strangely uncomfortable and not he didn't care
that he didn't fit the Jeopardy Like, this is the
Musac of game shows. This is this is quiz Bow
for people past that point of life, so like they
want to be reprimanded. This is supposed to be like
you need to learn your lates. That's the joy of Jeopardy.

Speaker 1 (01:05:51):
Yeah, I suppose Yeah, and that it's just like it
doesn't change, you know, it's like very constant. But yeah,
so it's called what is a Jeopardy podcast? We also
have like a Patreon where we interview We've interviewed a
bunch of previous champions like Amy would and oh no,
oh Andy Would. No, we haven't had Andy on yet,

(01:06:13):
but I thought about it.

Speaker 4 (01:06:14):
He's the only Jeopardy guy I know.

Speaker 5 (01:06:16):
I watched it with his episode with him as he
looked over at me, Oh man, I was like sweating.

Speaker 4 (01:06:22):
I don't know what.

Speaker 2 (01:06:25):
God, there's also Lewis Verttel was on there. Yeah, he
did the overhead snapp.

Speaker 1 (01:06:30):
So we were gonna have we were going to have
Louis Verttel on, but he got a job writing for
Pop Culture Jeopardy and I think that he's like not
allowed to be on our podcast.

Speaker 2 (01:06:36):
Now that makes sense, that makes perfect sense.

Speaker 4 (01:06:39):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (01:06:39):
Yeah, but Guy Brandham has been on and I went
to his game. Guy Brandam was on Jeopardy recently.

Speaker 2 (01:06:45):
Oh, I didn't know that to do.

Speaker 1 (01:06:46):
He was on in April.

Speaker 2 (01:06:48):
Oh my god.

Speaker 1 (01:06:48):
It was heartbreaking. He did very well, but he was
up against someone really good and he was he was
in contention going into final, but he wasn't in the
lead and they both got it correct.

Speaker 4 (01:06:59):
Dang.

Speaker 6 (01:07:00):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:07:00):
But he like he got this is the best way
to lose though, say, I think so.

Speaker 1 (01:07:04):
And he got it. He got a true daily double
and he went for it like he had a good game.
I'm really hoping he gets in the Second Chance tournament.
But it was it was really hard to I mean,
it was very interpacting to be there. I was more
nervous than he was.

Speaker 2 (01:07:17):
I think, Oh, that's so Emily. I'm so excited to
listen to this podcast. It's so good.

Speaker 1 (01:07:22):
I hope you like it. I think I think it's.

Speaker 5 (01:07:24):
Fun, especially that there's a storyline that'll have an outcome
that that you're.

Speaker 1 (01:07:31):
I know, and you know he keeps hearing from people
that they didn't hear for like two years and then
the right Yeah, like you can be in the Jeopardy
pool for that long and then they can give you
a call. But I'm hoping he gets up. And the
other thing is, so he's in Canada. I've never met
him in person, Oh my god. And we're like good
friends now. But if he gets on Jeopardy, he gets
to come to.

Speaker 3 (01:07:51):
La he has to live in your house, and then
you have to be the podcast through your relationship changing.

Speaker 5 (01:07:58):
Yeah, it's eight podcast already because that's.

Speaker 4 (01:08:02):
How Karen and I our first episode.

Speaker 5 (01:08:05):
That was like our third time hanging out, Like we
got to know each other on this podcast.

Speaker 4 (01:08:09):
It makes for good and truly.

Speaker 2 (01:08:10):
Same with me in Georgia too. That's the that's the
way you do.

Speaker 4 (01:08:14):
Yeah, keep it at anything else? Are you done with Barry?
Is that?

Speaker 1 (01:08:18):
Oh? Yeah, that's long over.

Speaker 4 (01:08:21):
They are The Great North.

Speaker 1 (01:08:23):
Watch the Great North. Yeah, the most recent season of
the Great North. My my second episode is coming out soon.
I don't know exactly when, but please watch it. It's
a great show. If you like Bob's Burgers, you'll love
The Great North. Watch it from beginning and leave it
playing on Hulu and you leave the house.

Speaker 2 (01:08:38):
Just loop it nice. That's how you do it.

Speaker 3 (01:08:40):
That's how you plus five minutes.

Speaker 1 (01:08:47):
I will send you a photo when I attached the
length of change to the new apparatus, I.

Speaker 5 (01:08:53):
Believe I'm forcing you to have a new job as
an inventor.

Speaker 4 (01:08:57):
Boy, your hands are going.

Speaker 5 (01:08:58):
To be full, Yes, full of doc pis you've been
listening to Do you Need a Ride? D y n Ar?
This has been an exactly right production.

Speaker 2 (01:09:17):
Our senior producer is Analise Nelson.

Speaker 4 (01:09:20):
Mixed by Edson Choy.

Speaker 2 (01:09:21):
Our talent booker is Patrick Cottner.

Speaker 4 (01:09:24):
Theme song by Karen Kilgareff.

Speaker 2 (01:09:26):
Artwork by Chris Fairbanks.

Speaker 3 (01:09:28):
Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar
podcast That's d y n Ar Podcast.

Speaker 5 (01:09:34):
For more information, go to Exactlyrightmedia dot com.

Speaker 2 (01:09:38):
Thank you, Oh You're welcome.

Speaker 5 (01:10:01):
Assass