February 19, 2023 • 47 mins
Healthy boundaries are not only a good idea, they’re God’s idea. In “Boundaries: It’s Time To Stop Dancing With Dysfunction,” Lysa TerKeurst reminds us how important it is to set boundaries in our life without losing who we are.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, Elevation, I am so glad that you are worshiping
with us today. The Psalmist said, I was glad when
they said, unto me, let us go to the House
of the Lord. I know that you're happy to be
here today, no matter how you're watching, whether you're joining
us online or you're here at one of our campuses,
today is a very special day. Every time we come together,
(00:21):
it's special because there's nothing like gathering together with God's people.
The Lord is here with us. But today is extra
special because today is our pastor's birthday. And I have
to say, the older this man gets, the better he gets,
the wiser he gets. Each year his preaching gets better.
(00:43):
I don't even know how that's possible. And I must
say I think he's getting more ripped with each year too.
Can I say that I just did okay? But in
a chat, if you're watching with us online, happy birthday,
Pastor Stephen, and if you're sitting one of our campuses,
look at your neighbor and say, how about this new series.
(01:06):
I'm feeling extra blessed because the first few weeks of
the year we got to learn how to do the
new you, and then last week Stephen told us that
in the coming weeks he's going to be using the
Book of Joshua to show us there's more to the story. Guys,
he was on fire last week forward not finished. If
(01:27):
you missed it, you gotta catch up. I told you
he gets better with age. So today we're not going
to make the birthday boy preach, but we do have
a special treat for you. My dear friend Lisa Turkis
is going to be bringing the message today. Lisa is
no stranger to Elevation. She actually lives here in Charlotte
and she joins us at Elevation when she's not out
(01:49):
preaching at other churches and doing events. She's the president
of Proverbs thirty one Ministries and the author of more
than twenty five books. She just released her newest book
called Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, and I cannot wait to
hear what the Lord has laid on her heart to
teach us today. So will you put your hands together
and help me welcome Lisa to the seat. Hi, well, Hi,
(02:19):
good morning, good morning. What a joy it is to
be here with you. You guys can be seated. Thank you,
It's such an honor to be here. At my home
church speaking, and I'll be honest, I am kind of
relieved Pastor Stephen's not seated on the front row. You know,
I speak everywhere, but when I speak and he's seated
(02:41):
right in front of me, that's a little bit of
a daunting situation. So although he did text me and
say he's watching online, so then it kind of killed
my relaxation with all of that. So, Pastor Stephen, wherever
you're watching from, I just say happy birthday to you,
and thank you, thank you for what you give us
each week, and thank you for just being an incredible leader.
(03:02):
Can we all thank Pastor Stephen one more time? So
today I'm going to be talking about boundaries, and we
can't talk about boundaries unless we talk about dysfunction, right,
And how many of us dance with dysfunction in our relationships.
(03:25):
Now here's the thing about dysfunction. We all have it.
And here's I could literally just hand the microphone down
here and you could tell me about your dysfunction and
in your family. You could tell me about the dysfunctions
in your family, and you know you certainly could too.
We could just keep passing around the microphone and if
we got to someone and they said, no, absolutely, there
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is no dysfunction. They might be the dysfunction. So we
are not going to do that. But where there's dysfunction,
there's often chaos. And where there is chaos, that's an
indication that there is a need for a boundary in
our relationships. Now, I know a lot of us hear
(04:08):
the word boundary and or attempted to just sort of
cross our arms and push back a little bit. And
I get it because I would have thought the same
thing before I studied boundaries like I have for the
past many years. And here's why, Because I think many
of us have had boundaries used in unhelpful and unhealthy ways.
(04:31):
Maybe you've had somebody try to put a boundary on
you to try to control you, or to try to
manipulate you, or to try to punish you. And so
sometimes we hear the word boundary, we take this step
back and we just think, no, somebody did that to
me once and it was utterly detrimental to my relationship.
(04:51):
Or maybe some of us we've tried to implement boundaries
in our relationships, and we try to put a boundary
on another person. Don't do it to try to control them,
but maybe we have tried to do it to change them,
and we got so frustrated because we realized that ultimately
(05:11):
we can't change another person. You see, I think I've
been in both of these camps, and I was absolutely
convinced that I wasn't a girl that boundaries would really
work for. But the biggest reason that I had an
issue with boundaries is I didn't have the biblical confidence
that God was okay with humans drawing boundaries. And I
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also didn't have the emotional fortitude. Even if I thought
I needed a boundary, I didn't have the emotional fortitude
to actually communicate the boundary, implement the boundary, and then
stay consistent with the boundary. And so I continue a
very dysfunctional dance in some of my most important relationships.
So today I do have a message that I want
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to preach and teach, but mostly I just want to
have a conversation, a conversation heart to heart with you,
because I know what it feels like to walk in
to this very place, this very church building, right here,
so broken hearted because my most significant relationship was unraveling,
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and I desperately wanted to save my family. But I
couldn't be the only one to make changes, and so
I knew that boundaries were needed. But because I didn't
have the biblical confidence that boundaries were okay, nor did
I have the emotional fortitude, I just stayed in this
very dysfunctional dance and it almost killed me. So if
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some of you have walked in here today and you're
kind of desperate in your heart because maybe it's one
of your most important relationships, or maybe it's just a
couple of relationships in your life, and you've hit that
spot where you say, I just can't take it anymore,
(07:12):
I want to assure you I've been right where you've been.
I've sat where you've sat, I've cried where you might cry,
And today I think I'm going to give you a
lot of hope now because we're talking about boundaries and dysfunction,
and maybe you're seated with some people and that you
do life with, and maybe that you have a like
(07:35):
some tension with. Sometimes we're gonna lay down a couple
of ground rules because I don't want you poking your
neighbor and saying did you hear her? You really need
to hear that. I mean, that was like straight from God,
to her to you. You know what I'm saying. And
so we're just gonna lay down some ground rules here.
So I want you to pick one of your neighbors
and repeat after me. This message is for me. I
(07:58):
will not use it against you. Okay. Now turn to
your second choice neighbor that they're not at all offended
you didn't pick them first, truly, and repeat after me
this message is for me, but you need it more,
Oh dear, Just in case, we haven't had any dysfunction
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stirred up in our life recently, I just helped you out. Okay.
So here's part of the issue with dysfunction. We get
used to our own dysfunctions and we start calling things
that are dysfunctional normal because we've just lived in it
for so long. Right, My sister came to visit a
couple of years ago and we had just finished a
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big renovation at our house. Now, if you're an electrician
or a plumber, this is not going to make sense
to you, but I promise you I'm absolutely telling the truth.
Somehow my hot water heater got connected to the back
floodlights of my house, so, in other words, we would
have hot water as long as the back flood lights
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were on, but if you turned them off, the hot
water would go out. And I know that makes no sense,
but I am telling you the truth. That's what happened.
So when my sister came to visit, she'd driven quite
a ways and then she decided to go take a shower.
So she's in the middle of her shower and suddenly
I hear her like stumbling upstairs, opening the door, yelling downstairs, Lisa,
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the hot water just went out, to which I replied, oh, okay,
I'll go turn on the back flood lights. So after
she finished her shower, she came downstairs and she got
really close to me, like a sister, would you know,
just right in my face, and she said, can you
(09:47):
please repeat to me what you said when I told
you the hot water was out? And I said, oh,
I said, it's because someone turned off the back flood light,
so I just needed to turn those on and then
you know, you eventually got hot water back. And then
she got even closer and she said, you know that's
not normal, right, You need to have that fixed. And
(10:09):
I said, I know, I've been meaning to make a
little sign and maybe even laminate it, and put it
by the light switch for the back floodlights, just instructing people,
I know I need to make that fix. And then
she just shook her head and walked away because she
realized I was dancing with dysfunction. I was calling something
(10:31):
normal that was not normal, and it was time to
call in the professionals, but instead I did what's called
a workaround. Now, let me tell you why I did
the workaround. I grew up really poor, and when you
grow up in that way, you don't have money to
hire the professionals. So when things get broken, you do
what's called a workaround. Right, So it didn't really occur
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to me that there was another way to fix it
besides just putting a sign up. But that wasn't really
fixing it. That's dancing with dysfunction. And I think a
lot of us are doing that in our relationships. And
so today I want to give you a picture of
what healthy boundaries really look like, so that we can
(11:14):
stop dancing with dysfunction some of our most important relationships. Now,
remember I said that I didn't have the biblical confidence
that God was okay with boundaries, So I decided to
open up the Bible right in Genesis one. And you know,
if you have your Bible and you want to open
(11:35):
it up, you can turn to Genesis one. Isn't that
so fun when the preacher or the teacher says, turn
to Genesis one because you can actually find it. I
just love it. You're welcome, okay. So Genesis chapter one,
starting in verse two, Now the earth was formless and empty.
Darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the
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spirit of God was hovering over the world. And God said,
let there be light. And there was light. God saw
that the light was good, and he separated. Everybody say separated,
and he separated the light from the darkness. That separation
was a boundary. And then it says in verse five,
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God called the light day, and the darkness he called night.
And there was evening and there was morning the first
day verse six, and God said, let there be a
vault between the waters to separate. Everybody say separate, to
separate water from water. So God made the vault, and
he separated the water under the vault from the water
above it. And it was so God called the vault sky.
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And there was evening and there was morning the second day.
And then God makes a separation between the dry land
and the water, and there was a separation. So you see,
even from creating the foundations of the world, God used
boundaries in such healthy ways. I'm convinced right here from
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Genesis one that boundaries are not just a good idea,
they are actually God's idea. But now let's go over
to Genesis two, because this is where I really found
some something just completely fascinating. In Genesis chapter two, starting
in verse fifteen, it says this, the Lord God took
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the man and put the man in the garden of
Eden to work it and take care of it. And
the Lord God commanded the man, you are free from
any tree in the garden, but you must not eat
from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,
for when you eat from it, you will certainly die. Man.
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I'm convinced at this point that the man did not
write the one rule down because the very next verse
it says, in verse eighteen, the Lord God said, it
is not good for the man to be alone. I
will make a helper suitable for him. And women have
been making lists for men ever since. Okay, I'm just
reading scripture. Okay, So but here's the thing. I'm so
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completely fascinated that, of all the topics God could have
chosen for this first recorded conversation with Man, that God
chose the topic of a boundary. Think of how many
things that the Lord could have surely had to discuss
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with this man in this first recorded conversation, and yet
he chooses a topic of a boundary. Why Well, if
I look at the first three words that God says
in this first recorded conversation, God says, you are free.
You see, we serve a God of freedom, and in
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order for there to be real freedom, boundaries have to
exist so that we know. Oh, if we know where
those boundary lines are, then we can run freely between them,
and that's where real freedom exists. Can you imagine if
Adam was in the garden and he was tentative, he
didn't know what was okay and what was not okay,
then it would it would always be kind of like this,
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like I wonder if can I eat from this tree?
Can I go here? Can I do this? Can I
do that? And you see that mystery was solved when
God established the boundary, and then Adam was truly free.
You are free to eat from any tree in the garden.
But here comes the one restriction. You must not eat
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from this tree, the tree of the knowledge of good
and evil, for if you eat from it, you will die.
Now here's what I learned in that first boundary that
we see God establishing. He did it for the sake
of freedom, and that one restriction. He wasn't overly restrictive,
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but that one restriction it was for Adam's protection. Do
you know what the weight of eating from the tree
of the knowledge of good and evil? Do you know
the weight that that would put on Adam. I'll tell
you what it is. It's when we turn on the
TV and we hear about another school shooting, when our
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best friend calls us and says that she has cancer.
It's the weight of addictions and affairs and so many
things that we hear about or that we experience. The
human heart was not originally supposed to experience. That is
the weight of the knowledge of evil. And that's what
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God said, don't do this, not because he's an overly
restrictive God, but because he was trying to protect Adam
from what Adam didn't know. So it's for the sake
of freedom. There is a restriction, but it's for the
protection In that relationship. And also there's a consequence. If
you eat from it, you will die, because a boundary
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without a consequence is nothing but a really bad suggestion, right,
And so boundaries, indeed, they're not just a good idea.
I see in scripture here that they're actually God's idea.
And so I kept reading in scripture, and it isn't
that interesting that in the garden there was one rule
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given one rule. Can you imagine if we just still
lived in that time, like one rule, we only had
one to follow as a rule follower, that would just
be such a delight to my heart. I mean, it
would just be amazing. Right. But where there is sin,
there is dysfunction, and where there is dysfunction, there's chaos.
And where there is chaos, there is a need for order.
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And there are more boundaries established the more sin that
there is. And by the time time we get in
the Bible to the law and the profits, what started
out as one boundary, now he has over six hundred
boundaries because sin had increased. Therefore boundaries also increased. Then
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by the time we get to the way that God
establishes the temple, this was the biggest revelation to me
of all, you say, when God establishes the temple, he
allows certain people access to certain places, but not all
people all access. And it's not because this group of
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people was more valuable than this group of people. It's
that the more access you had, the more responsibility you
were required to demonstrate. So the more access, the more responsibility,
and the greater the consequence all the way to where
the high priest had the greatest access. The high priest
once a year could go into the Holy of Holies
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to make atonement for the people. But in order to
do that, in order to have that kind of access,
he had to demonstrate the absolute highest responsibility. He had
to be perfectly cleansed, he had to put on special garments,
and if he did not, then he would step into
the Holy of Holies and he would drop dead. Greatest access,
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greatest responsibility required. Those two words became really important to
me as I started trying to understand the difference between
healthy and unhealthy boundaries, helpful and utterly unhelpful boundaries, access
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and responsibility. And here's what occurred to me. We all
have limited capacity in our life. Like we have limited
financial capacity in our bank account, we have limited time
capacity we have limited energy capacity, and some people have
a lot more energy capacity, and some people are lower capacity.
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Some people have a lot more financial capacity, and others
have lower capacity. But regardless, in all these areas of capacity,
we're limited, not because we're selfish necessarily, but because we're human. Now,
if we get selfish with our capacity, then God can
certainly check our hearts on this. But what I'm seeing
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more often in my life is that I start to
have this notion that I'm unlimited in some areas of
my capacity where I'm very limited, and then it causes
me when I hyper extend or bankrupt my area of
capacity because I'm saying yes to do much and I'm
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not properly managing my own areas of capacity. What happens
to me is I start acting like I think I'm God,
because God is He is unlimited. God has all the capacity,
and so when we start to act like we are
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unlimited in our capacity, then we start acting like God.
We are limited, not because we're selfish necessarily, but because
we are very very human. So back to that word access.
If I am giving level ten access to someone who
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is not demonstrating level ten responsibility, maybe they're only demonstrating
level three responsibility. Right, the distance between the access that
I'm granting them and the responsibility that they are demonstrating.
That distance right there, that is where dysfunction grows. That
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is where there's chaos, right, and that's where a boundary
is needed. Now here's the mistake I used to make.
I would go, Okay, I'm giving level ten access. This
person is only demonstrating level three responsibility. So I know
what I have to do. I have to put a
boundary on them to force them, using external pressure, to
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increase their responsibility up to the level of access that
I've granted them. So we can have a conversation with
someone and request that they be more responsible. But if
they are unwilling or incapable of anything more than level
three responsibility, us putting a boundary on them is only
going to cause more frustration. You see, we cannot possibly
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permanently change another person by using external pressure. Now think
about today, if someone had a cardiac event, obviously those
of us who know how to do CPR, we would
rush to that person's aid and using external pressure, we
would apply that pressure to make their heart beat and
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to create a change in their situation. But at some
point if their heart does not start to quicken and
beat on its own, you cannot permanently sustain that change
using external pressure. Right. Never have you seen two friends
walking around them all one doing chest compressions on the
other and think, Wow, that's a sustainable, healthy relationship. Right? No, So,
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but I know the desperation. I know the desperate feeling
of something's got to change, and you know that it's
the responsibility this person is not bringing. That's what's got
to change. And so most of us just stay stuck
in this frustrating place. We know that changes needed to
be made. We make the changes that we can make.
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But in a relationship, if the other person is un
willing or incapable, then that's where that weird dysfunction starts
to happen. So if it's utterly unhelpful to put a
boundary on this other person trying to force them to change,
what do we do? We put a boundary on ourselves.
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We put a boundary on ourselves. And if I am
giving level ten access to areas of my capacity to
someone who's only bringing level three responsibility, I cannot control
another person. But God does say evidence of his fruit
inside of me. One of those fruits is self control,
and so I must reduce the access I grant to
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that person down to their demonstrated level of responsibility, right,
so that equilibrium can occur in this relationship. Now here's
the really great news. You guys are already doing this
really really well in some areas of your life. Here's
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how I'm going to prove this to you. Okay, raise
your hand. If you have a bank account, just raise
your hand. I'm not coming after your bank account today.
I just want you to know, okay, perfect, how many
of you have a password or a security code protecting
your bank account? Raise your hand? Is it because you're selfish, unchristian, unkind,
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not willing to give to others? No, that's not at all.
You have a passcode. And I didn't say you could
remember your passcode. I'm just saying you have a passcode, right,
But you have a passcode? Why? Because you have limited
resources in your bank account, and if you gave everyone
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in here access to your bank account, then there may
be some people in here who would be irresponsible and
they would take so much of the money that you
have in your bank account that you would become bankrupt. Therefore,
you put a security pass code there, not because you're selfish,
but because you are wise and because you want to
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be a good steward of the resources that you have.
We know this with our financial capacity, but we forget
it in so many other areas of our life. Okay,
so how does this really work? How does it really work?
If you know that you have limited capacity and you're
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reducing the access to some area of your capacity down
to their demonstrated level of responsibility, how in the world
do you even communicate that? Well, in a very simple sense,
let's say that you have a child in third grade.
Last year, that child was in second grade, and the
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second grade teacher emails you and said, you know, last
year you did the end of the year party for
the second grade, and you did such an amazing job.
We were just wondering. I know you don't have any
children in second grade this year, but we're just wondering,
can you come back and can you arrange the end
of the year party for the second grade. Now here's
the crisis that would happen in my heart. First of all,
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I would say they loved the way I did the
end of the year party. I mean, this is such
an honor. Wow. Right, But then I was starting to
get this pit in my stomach because my gut would
say no, absolutely not, You do not have the time
to do this. But then, why in the world does
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my mouth say yes? And it just does because I
kind of think their request suddenly has become my responsibility.
And here's the thing that really would wig me out.
I was so afraid that if I said no that
they would be so disappointed in me, and so I
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would rather carry the burden of saying yes rather than
the burden of saying no. HM. So I'm going to
give you a simple little script. This is about to
change your life. With apologies to the second grade teacher
out there who's wanting a third grade parent to do
their end of the year party. Here we go. Here's
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a simple way that you can reduce the access and
communicate a really healthy boundary and still reflect the beauty
of your own heart. You can simply reply back, thank
you so much. It's such an honor that you requested
this of me. While my heart says yes, yes, yes,
the reality of my time makes this a no. Thank
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you and sign your name. You don't need to explain it.
My counselor. You know, I mean, I think we can
all do this right now. My counselor has really worked
with me on this, and it was really important that
I learned this. You see, I used to think I
had to over explain. I still struggle with over explaining.
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Do we have any over explainers in the room. Okay, remember,
do not poke your neighbor. Let them just say that
they are an over explainer. Okay. So here's what I
would do. I would say my heart says yes, yes, yes,
the reality of my time makes this a no. And
then I would start to explain all the reasons why.
And my counselor said this to me, and it absolutely
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radically changed my thought process, he said, Lisa, adults inform
children explain good right? All right, all right, so let's
go to something a little more challenging. Let's say you
have a friend, possibly a family member. But let's say
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you have a friend and y'all love going to church together.
Don't poke your neighbor. Okay, so you love going to
church together. However, you have different definitions of being on time, right,
and this is really causing some situationtional stress. Right. Okay,
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So let's say your definition of being on time is
that you want to get their twenty minutes early. You
do why because you have got to get a parking space.
This is so funny. I see somebody holding up blinders
against their neighbor right now, you're cracking me up. Okay,
So your definition of being on time is to get
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their twenty minutes early because you want to have time
to park and actually walk through the parking lot, right,
novel idea. And then you want to get inside. You
want to go t tea potty right, because you don't
want to be sitting in there and be thinking about that,
so you wanted to go do that. Then then you
want to be able to come in. You want to
get a seat, You want to watch the announcements. You
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want to be ready for the first note of the
first praise song because that is being on time to you. Amen, Amen. Okay.
But let's say your friend has a different definition of
being on time. Their definition of being on time is
that they can skirt in here before the last praise
song is finished. That is their definition of being on time.
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Right now, here's the deal. Are you bad for wanting
to be there twenty minutes early? No? Are they bad,
they still want to go to church. I mean they're
just getting here, like before the last praise song, espelishly.
I mean maybe some of you think is bad, but
I say, in general, that's not bad. It just means
you have two different definitions of being on time right.
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And so you realize that something's got to change, because
every week you're writing with them, and they are making
you late according to you. And now you are sitting
way up there in the balcony, right, or you may
not even make it inside. You may have to be
sitting somewhere in the overflow, right. And now you're so
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twisted up in a knot because you are ready. You
could have been down here on the floor. That's where
you could have been, right, and you could have gone teeepotty.
You who see the announcements, listen to all the praise songs.
And so now when they make you skirt in at
the last moment and you're out of breath from running
through the parking lot and you had to park five
miles away, you know, And now you finally get in
your seat, you are so twisted up in a knot
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that you cannot even enjoy anything because all you want
is for Pastor Steven to address the issues of this
person that made you lay on huh you know what
I'm saying. Okay, so you have a choice. You could
just start avoiding this person. That's what some of us do, right.
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So they call and say, oh, do you want to
ride your church together? And you could say, oh, you know,
I would really love to go to church with you today.
I really would. The problem is I have to run
errands before I go to church. I mean, and they're
one person errands, just one and and so this other
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person when you're communicating this, they know something's up and
they're going to personalize it and get their feelings hurt
because they can't quite figure out why you're being distant.
And then you could possibly just try to still go
with them and be late. And you're going to take
it and take it and take it and take it
and take it until one day you just cannot and
you snap and you jump from trying to take it
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all the way over here to where you cannot take
it anymore, and you just skirt that friendship altogether. You See,
what a boundary does is that helps us avoid extremes,
the extreme of I'm going to take it and take
it and take it until I'm so frazzled and fractured,
worn out and worn down that I just don't even
want to be that person's friend anymore. So you jump
(33:47):
from that extreme all the way to you're done. Boundaries,
what they really are, is a way to bring the
conversation back to the middle, to avoid those extremes. Boundaries
are nothing more than a conversational tool, a healthy conversational
tool where you can establish what is and is not
(34:09):
okay in this relationship, what you do have to give
and what you don't have to give, what you will tolerate,
and what you will not tolerate. Now, obviously we need
the Lord to check our hearts here, you know, we
don't want to start being just absolutely irresponsible. I mean,
I had, you know, possibly one of my many children
try to draw a boundary this year at Christmas, and
(34:31):
they just said, I do not have it to give
to help wash any of the dishes, to which to
which I replied, and I do not have it to
give to put food on any of your dishes. So
neither of those are helpful or healthy, right, So we
do it to check our heart. We don't want to
draw boundaries to sort of be some sort of weapon
(34:52):
to make us able to get out of our responsibilities.
We do have responsibilities. At the same time, we have
the responsibility to stay self controlled in our relationships. So
you could simply have this conversation with this friend. Hi, friend,
(35:13):
I love going to church with you, I really do.
Is that true? It is true? Right, So don't put
a butt there, because if you put a butt, I
love going to church with you butt, that's sort of
negates the fact that you love going to church with them. Okay,
so you put an and I love going to church
with you, and I have a different definition of being
on time than you do. That doesn't make me right
and you wrong, or you right and me wrong. It
(35:35):
just means we're different. So here's the deal. I'm going
to drive to church this week. I would love for
you to ride with me, and I'm pulling out of
my driveway at this time so that I can get
there twenty minutes early. If you would like to ride
with me, great, be in my car at that time. However,
(35:56):
let me give you some really awesome news. If you
are being more creative with your time, so creative, then
we can just ride separately, no big deal, and I'll
save you a seat you can sit right beside me.
I'll even catch you up on all the prey songs
that we sang, you know. And we're still going to
(36:19):
be great friends, and we're still going to be at
church together. But we've just made the wise decision not
to go to church together. Now, what's better having that
conversation or getting so frustrated in that relationship you just
don't even want to be around that person at all.
You see, boundaries help us bring it back to the
middle and simply say here's what I have to give,
(36:42):
and here's what I don't have to give, here's what
I can tolerate, and here's what I will not tolerate.
And it's not out of a mean spirit, it's actually
so that we can stay self controlled. I did this
activity one time, and I pulled out my journal and
I wrote, this is who Lisa is when she's operating
at her best. I'm kind, I'm generous, I'm easygoing, all
(37:07):
kinds of different qualities. Then on the next page, I wrote,
and this is who Lisa is. This is who I
am when I get frazzled, fractured, worn down, and worn out.
I am impatient, I'm withdrawn, I'm skeptical of everyone. I
don't want to give anything to anyone. Now I ask
myself the question, which version of Lisa do I want
(37:31):
to stay front and center in my relationships? You see boundaries,
me drawing healthy boundaries, ME putting boundaries on myself so
that I can stay safe, sane, stable, and self controlled.
It is my way of fighting for the relationship so
(37:52):
I don't have to spend so much time fighting against
other people. Now, what about the verse that says where
Jesus instructs us to lay down our life for our friends.
And Jesus not only instructed us to do that, but
he modeled it. And you're absolutely right. Jesus absolutely modeled
(38:14):
and taught to lay down our life for our friends.
And Jesus did this. But never forget Jesus laid down
his one life for a high and holy purpose. Jesus
did not lay down his life to enable bad behavior
(38:34):
to continue. Amen. Amen, Well, I want to end today
with what I feel like is the most important thing
for us to remember in all of these boundary conversations,
and I'm going to do it by telling a story
so many years ago, my family decided that they wanted
(38:58):
to go get certified to learn how to go scuba diving.
I thought this was an absolutely terrible idea for several reasons,
because sharks eat people every day, and you know, I
don't like to get my hair wet, So there's two
really good reasons why I don't want to get certified
to go scuba diving. But they were so absolutely convinced
(39:20):
that this is what we needed to do. So we
all signed up and we went to the classes and
everything was okay. In the classroom, it was good. And
then we went and did our first dive in the
pool and we did pretty good. And then we did
our next dive in a lake and that was okay.
But now it was the day. It was time for
our first big family dive in the ocean. So we
(39:43):
took the boat out and we all have on our
gear and we get out into the middle of the
ocean and the dive master gives us some last minute
instructions for what to do. Then he instructs us to
get in the water. So we all get in the
water and then he says, okay, you know, the first
thing you need to do is to let the air
out of your air vest and start to descend in increments,
(40:05):
and then we'll all meet up thirty feet below the
surface on the ocean floor. And so we had practiced
this enough where I knew exactly what I was supposed
to do, and so did everyone else. So we all
did it. We pushed the button to let the air
out of our air vests, and everyone else did exactly
what they were supposed to do. They started to descend
(40:26):
in increments. I let the air out of my air
vest and nothing happened. I am just floating on the top.
Have you ever seen one of those movies where it's
like everybody in a group is okay, but it's the
one person floating at the top that the shark comes
to get. Uh huh. That's very much what I was
feeling of that moment. And I just kept saying in
(40:48):
my brain, don't panic, don't panic, don't panic. But sometimes
my brain does not send that message to my heart,
and in my heart, I was absolutely frantic. So I thought,
no big deal. I don't want to cause a scene.
I'm going to put my head down, I'm going to
swim to my people. That's not what you're supposed to do,
but I did it. So put my head down. I
started swimming, swimming, swimming to my people. The problem was
that my backside was like a cork, very much drawn
(41:11):
to the surface of the water. I could not get
down to my people. Eventually, the dive master sees what's
happening and he swims up and he looks at me
and he said, oh, you're you're having buoyancy issues. And
I got this look on my face like I didn't
quite understand what he was saying. And he was like, yeah,
(41:34):
you see fat floats when it's in salt water. Excuse me,
I will cut you. You need right, you need to
back it up, sir, right, you really need to be
(41:57):
thankful you spent that I spent some time with Jesus
the morning. That's what you need to be thankful for.
And so he could tell that I did not like
that answer, and he's like, oh, oh, oh, but it's
no problem. I know how to fix this for you.
So he gets on the boat and he gets this
belt and he hands it to me. He says, you
just need to put this belt on. We're going to
add some weight and it'll force you to sink. Thank you, sir,
(42:18):
that's awesome. And so I put the belt on and
we start adding weights to the belt, and then we
add more weight, and then we add more weight. Y'all,
nothing is happening, and so then he feels the need
to over explain what's going on. He said, Wow, you
need as much weight as a very large man to
make you sink. Thank you. I've waited all my life
(42:40):
for a man to say that, really truly. And so
finally he gets enough weight on my weight belt to
where I do sink. The problem is that my bottom
is still pointed north at all times. And so I
got down to where my people were, but I was
like in the formation, and there is nothing I could
(43:01):
do at all, and so they are all my people
and they're all standing around. I'm just hanging there. And
have you ever been able to feel what someone else
is thinking? You know what I mean? I could feel
what my people were thinking. They were thinking, Hey, what's up,
Mom's butt, that's what's up? Just constantly up. And it
(43:22):
was just it was just not a good situation, right,
And I was trying so hard to pretend like it
was normal, but it was one hundred percent not normal.
And so the dive master just gives us some little
instructions using his hand, and then he divides us up
into groups, and now we're supposed to go and swim
off with the person we were assigned to. So I
was assigned with my oldest daughter, and so we had
(43:43):
barely turned from the group and we started to swim
from the group to go exploring, and suddenly a creature
out of nowhere whips right through us and rams itself
into my daughter's head. Well, I am out, absolutely panicked.
She is panicked, and I'm looking around and all my
(44:05):
other people are like, it's okay, it's okay. I look
at the dive master and he said it's okay, and
I'm thinking, yeah, because all you people are skinny, I'm
the chicken nugget down here, okay. And so yeah, you're
okay because that thing's gonna come after me and give
you all time to escape. So the creature kind of
went away for a little bit, and my daughter and
(44:27):
I are still tentative, and we decide, okay, we're just
gonna keep exploring, and the creature comes back and it
rams itself into my daughter's head so hard that she
completely panics and she jumps on top of me, expecting
me to be the solution to this issue. Well, she
causes so much of a stir that my other people
start jumping on top of me. Now everybody's looking at
(44:51):
me to save their life. But then I remembered my gift.
I ripped off that weight bell and we did rise.
Oh yeah, hi, Well we got up on that boat, y'all.
I was like, hmm, mabadon kenok saved ah you people.
(45:15):
But the dive master came up and he was absolutely
positively not impressed at all. He just wasn't and he
looked at us and he said, you all need to
sit on the edge of the boat. It was like
we were in boat time out, you know. And he
took his finger and he pointed it right at me.
He said, do you know why you panicked down there?
(45:35):
He said, you panicked because you took your eyes off
the dive muster, and the dive muster knows things you
don't know. And you were never in any trouble. The
worst danger you created is by shooting up back to
the boat without ascending an increments like you're supposed to.
Never take your eyes off the master. Never take your
(45:58):
eyes off the relationships. They're wonderful until they're not. And
you know, I think the most important thing when you're
(46:19):
trying to have healthy conversations and implement boundaries. And I
know so many of you have much more challenging situations
than the second grade teacher and than your friend making
you run late. I know it because I've lived those
really heartbreaking, devastating situations. And you're hesitant to draw boundaries
(46:44):
because you're so afraid that if you draw a boundary,
that that other person will take something from you that
they give you that you're not sure you'd be okay without.
We will always desperately want from other people what we
fear our God will not provide. Keep your eyes on
(47:05):
the Master. Keep your eyes on the Master. The Master
knows things you don't know. Stay in his word, keep
coming to church, keep listening to the messages, read helpful
resources on boundaries, and remember boundaries. The ultimate purpose is
(47:28):
to love others well without losing the best of who
we are. God bless you well. If you enjoyed today's podcast,
there are a couple things I'd love for you to do.
Make sure to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast. You
can also help us reach others by investing today at
(47:49):
elevationchurch dot org, slash give and thanks again for joining
us on the Elevation Podcast
Hey, Elevation, I am so glad that you are worshiping
with us today. The Psalmist said, I was glad when
they said, unto me, let us go to the House
of the Lord. I know that you're happy to be
here today, no matter how you're watching, whether you're joining
us online or you're here at one of our campuses,
today is a very special day. Every time we come together,
(00:21):
it's special because there's nothing like gathering together with God's people.
The Lord is here with us. But today is extra
special because today is our pastor's birthday. And I have
to say, the older this man gets, the better he gets,
the wiser he gets. Each year his preaching gets better.
(00:43):
I don't even know how that's possible. And I must
say I think he's getting more ripped with each year too.
Can I say that I just did okay? But in
a chat, if you're watching with us online, happy birthday,
Pastor Stephen, and if you're sitting one of our campuses,
look at your neighbor and say, how about this new series.
(01:06):
I'm feeling extra blessed because the first few weeks of
the year we got to learn how to do the
new you, and then last week Stephen told us that
in the coming weeks he's going to be using the
Book of Joshua to show us there's more to the story. Guys,
he was on fire last week forward not finished. If
(01:27):
you missed it, you gotta catch up. I told you
he gets better with age. So today we're not going
to make the birthday boy preach, but we do have
a special treat for you. My dear friend Lisa Turkis
is going to be bringing the message today. Lisa is
no stranger to Elevation. She actually lives here in Charlotte
and she joins us at Elevation when she's not out
(01:49):
preaching at other churches and doing events. She's the president
of Proverbs thirty one Ministries and the author of more
than twenty five books. She just released her newest book
called Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, and I cannot wait to
hear what the Lord has laid on her heart to
teach us today. So will you put your hands together
and help me welcome Lisa to the seat. Hi, well, Hi,
(02:19):
good morning, good morning. What a joy it is to
be here with you. You guys can be seated. Thank you,
It's such an honor to be here. At my home
church speaking, and I'll be honest, I am kind of
relieved Pastor Stephen's not seated on the front row. You know,
I speak everywhere, but when I speak and he's seated
(02:41):
right in front of me, that's a little bit of
a daunting situation. So although he did text me and
say he's watching online, so then it kind of killed
my relaxation with all of that. So, Pastor Stephen, wherever
you're watching from, I just say happy birthday to you,
and thank you, thank you for what you give us
each week, and thank you for just being an incredible leader.
(03:02):
Can we all thank Pastor Stephen one more time? So
today I'm going to be talking about boundaries, and we
can't talk about boundaries unless we talk about dysfunction, right,
And how many of us dance with dysfunction in our relationships.
(03:25):
Now here's the thing about dysfunction. We all have it.
And here's I could literally just hand the microphone down
here and you could tell me about your dysfunction and
in your family. You could tell me about the dysfunctions
in your family, and you know you certainly could too.
We could just keep passing around the microphone and if
we got to someone and they said, no, absolutely, there
(03:48):
is no dysfunction. They might be the dysfunction. So we
are not going to do that. But where there's dysfunction,
there's often chaos. And where there is chaos, that's an
indication that there is a need for a boundary in
our relationships. Now, I know a lot of us hear
(04:08):
the word boundary and or attempted to just sort of
cross our arms and push back a little bit. And
I get it because I would have thought the same
thing before I studied boundaries like I have for the
past many years. And here's why, Because I think many
of us have had boundaries used in unhelpful and unhealthy ways.
(04:31):
Maybe you've had somebody try to put a boundary on
you to try to control you, or to try to
manipulate you, or to try to punish you. And so
sometimes we hear the word boundary, we take this step
back and we just think, no, somebody did that to
me once and it was utterly detrimental to my relationship.
(04:51):
Or maybe some of us we've tried to implement boundaries
in our relationships, and we try to put a boundary
on another person. Don't do it to try to control them,
but maybe we have tried to do it to change them,
and we got so frustrated because we realized that ultimately
(05:11):
we can't change another person. You see, I think I've
been in both of these camps, and I was absolutely
convinced that I wasn't a girl that boundaries would really
work for. But the biggest reason that I had an
issue with boundaries is I didn't have the biblical confidence
that God was okay with humans drawing boundaries. And I
(05:35):
also didn't have the emotional fortitude. Even if I thought
I needed a boundary, I didn't have the emotional fortitude
to actually communicate the boundary, implement the boundary, and then
stay consistent with the boundary. And so I continue a
very dysfunctional dance in some of my most important relationships.
So today I do have a message that I want
(05:58):
to preach and teach, but mostly I just want to
have a conversation, a conversation heart to heart with you,
because I know what it feels like to walk in
to this very place, this very church building, right here,
so broken hearted because my most significant relationship was unraveling,
(06:25):
and I desperately wanted to save my family. But I
couldn't be the only one to make changes, and so
I knew that boundaries were needed. But because I didn't
have the biblical confidence that boundaries were okay, nor did
I have the emotional fortitude, I just stayed in this
very dysfunctional dance and it almost killed me. So if
(06:50):
some of you have walked in here today and you're
kind of desperate in your heart because maybe it's one
of your most important relationships, or maybe it's just a
couple of relationships in your life, and you've hit that
spot where you say, I just can't take it anymore,
(07:12):
I want to assure you I've been right where you've been.
I've sat where you've sat, I've cried where you might cry,
And today I think I'm going to give you a
lot of hope now because we're talking about boundaries and dysfunction,
and maybe you're seated with some people and that you
do life with, and maybe that you have a like
(07:35):
some tension with. Sometimes we're gonna lay down a couple
of ground rules because I don't want you poking your
neighbor and saying did you hear her? You really need
to hear that. I mean, that was like straight from God,
to her to you. You know what I'm saying. And
so we're just gonna lay down some ground rules here.
So I want you to pick one of your neighbors
and repeat after me. This message is for me. I
(07:58):
will not use it against you. Okay. Now turn to
your second choice neighbor that they're not at all offended
you didn't pick them first, truly, and repeat after me
this message is for me, but you need it more,
Oh dear, Just in case, we haven't had any dysfunction
(08:23):
stirred up in our life recently, I just helped you out. Okay.
So here's part of the issue with dysfunction. We get
used to our own dysfunctions and we start calling things
that are dysfunctional normal because we've just lived in it
for so long. Right, My sister came to visit a
couple of years ago and we had just finished a
(08:43):
big renovation at our house. Now, if you're an electrician
or a plumber, this is not going to make sense
to you, but I promise you I'm absolutely telling the truth.
Somehow my hot water heater got connected to the back
floodlights of my house, so, in other words, we would
have hot water as long as the back flood lights
(09:04):
were on, but if you turned them off, the hot
water would go out. And I know that makes no sense,
but I am telling you the truth. That's what happened.
So when my sister came to visit, she'd driven quite
a ways and then she decided to go take a shower.
So she's in the middle of her shower and suddenly
I hear her like stumbling upstairs, opening the door, yelling downstairs, Lisa,
(09:26):
the hot water just went out, to which I replied, oh, okay,
I'll go turn on the back flood lights. So after
she finished her shower, she came downstairs and she got
really close to me, like a sister, would you know,
just right in my face, and she said, can you
(09:47):
please repeat to me what you said when I told
you the hot water was out? And I said, oh,
I said, it's because someone turned off the back flood light,
so I just needed to turn those on and then
you know, you eventually got hot water back. And then
she got even closer and she said, you know that's
not normal, right, You need to have that fixed. And
(10:09):
I said, I know, I've been meaning to make a
little sign and maybe even laminate it, and put it
by the light switch for the back floodlights, just instructing people,
I know I need to make that fix. And then
she just shook her head and walked away because she
realized I was dancing with dysfunction. I was calling something
(10:31):
normal that was not normal, and it was time to
call in the professionals, but instead I did what's called
a workaround. Now, let me tell you why I did
the workaround. I grew up really poor, and when you
grow up in that way, you don't have money to
hire the professionals. So when things get broken, you do
what's called a workaround. Right, So it didn't really occur
(10:54):
to me that there was another way to fix it
besides just putting a sign up. But that wasn't really
fixing it. That's dancing with dysfunction. And I think a
lot of us are doing that in our relationships. And
so today I want to give you a picture of
what healthy boundaries really look like, so that we can
(11:14):
stop dancing with dysfunction some of our most important relationships. Now,
remember I said that I didn't have the biblical confidence
that God was okay with boundaries, So I decided to
open up the Bible right in Genesis one. And you know,
if you have your Bible and you want to open
(11:35):
it up, you can turn to Genesis one. Isn't that
so fun when the preacher or the teacher says, turn
to Genesis one because you can actually find it. I
just love it. You're welcome, okay. So Genesis chapter one,
starting in verse two, Now the earth was formless and empty.
Darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the
(11:58):
spirit of God was hovering over the world. And God said,
let there be light. And there was light. God saw
that the light was good, and he separated. Everybody say separated,
and he separated the light from the darkness. That separation
was a boundary. And then it says in verse five,
(12:18):
God called the light day, and the darkness he called night.
And there was evening and there was morning the first
day verse six, and God said, let there be a
vault between the waters to separate. Everybody say separate, to
separate water from water. So God made the vault, and
he separated the water under the vault from the water
above it. And it was so God called the vault sky.
(12:40):
And there was evening and there was morning the second day.
And then God makes a separation between the dry land
and the water, and there was a separation. So you see,
even from creating the foundations of the world, God used
boundaries in such healthy ways. I'm convinced right here from
(13:03):
Genesis one that boundaries are not just a good idea,
they are actually God's idea. But now let's go over
to Genesis two, because this is where I really found
some something just completely fascinating. In Genesis chapter two, starting
in verse fifteen, it says this, the Lord God took
(13:25):
the man and put the man in the garden of
Eden to work it and take care of it. And
the Lord God commanded the man, you are free from
any tree in the garden, but you must not eat
from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,
for when you eat from it, you will certainly die. Man.
(13:46):
I'm convinced at this point that the man did not
write the one rule down because the very next verse
it says, in verse eighteen, the Lord God said, it
is not good for the man to be alone. I
will make a helper suitable for him. And women have
been making lists for men ever since. Okay, I'm just
reading scripture. Okay, So but here's the thing. I'm so
(14:11):
completely fascinated that, of all the topics God could have
chosen for this first recorded conversation with Man, that God
chose the topic of a boundary. Think of how many
things that the Lord could have surely had to discuss
(14:32):
with this man in this first recorded conversation, and yet
he chooses a topic of a boundary. Why Well, if
I look at the first three words that God says
in this first recorded conversation, God says, you are free.
You see, we serve a God of freedom, and in
(14:55):
order for there to be real freedom, boundaries have to
exist so that we know. Oh, if we know where
those boundary lines are, then we can run freely between them,
and that's where real freedom exists. Can you imagine if
Adam was in the garden and he was tentative, he
didn't know what was okay and what was not okay,
then it would it would always be kind of like this,
(15:15):
like I wonder if can I eat from this tree?
Can I go here? Can I do this? Can I
do that? And you see that mystery was solved when
God established the boundary, and then Adam was truly free.
You are free to eat from any tree in the garden.
But here comes the one restriction. You must not eat
(15:40):
from this tree, the tree of the knowledge of good
and evil, for if you eat from it, you will die.
Now here's what I learned in that first boundary that
we see God establishing. He did it for the sake
of freedom, and that one restriction. He wasn't overly restrictive,
(16:01):
but that one restriction it was for Adam's protection. Do
you know what the weight of eating from the tree
of the knowledge of good and evil? Do you know
the weight that that would put on Adam. I'll tell
you what it is. It's when we turn on the
TV and we hear about another school shooting, when our
(16:24):
best friend calls us and says that she has cancer.
It's the weight of addictions and affairs and so many
things that we hear about or that we experience. The
human heart was not originally supposed to experience. That is
the weight of the knowledge of evil. And that's what
(16:48):
God said, don't do this, not because he's an overly
restrictive God, but because he was trying to protect Adam
from what Adam didn't know. So it's for the sake
of freedom. There is a restriction, but it's for the
protection In that relationship. And also there's a consequence. If
you eat from it, you will die, because a boundary
(17:10):
without a consequence is nothing but a really bad suggestion, right,
And so boundaries, indeed, they're not just a good idea.
I see in scripture here that they're actually God's idea.
And so I kept reading in scripture, and it isn't
that interesting that in the garden there was one rule
(17:32):
given one rule. Can you imagine if we just still
lived in that time, like one rule, we only had
one to follow as a rule follower, that would just
be such a delight to my heart. I mean, it
would just be amazing. Right. But where there is sin,
there is dysfunction, and where there is dysfunction, there's chaos.
And where there is chaos, there is a need for order.
(17:55):
And there are more boundaries established the more sin that
there is. And by the time time we get in
the Bible to the law and the profits, what started
out as one boundary, now he has over six hundred
boundaries because sin had increased. Therefore boundaries also increased. Then
(18:15):
by the time we get to the way that God
establishes the temple, this was the biggest revelation to me
of all, you say, when God establishes the temple, he
allows certain people access to certain places, but not all
people all access. And it's not because this group of
(18:38):
people was more valuable than this group of people. It's
that the more access you had, the more responsibility you
were required to demonstrate. So the more access, the more responsibility,
and the greater the consequence all the way to where
the high priest had the greatest access. The high priest
once a year could go into the Holy of Holies
(19:00):
to make atonement for the people. But in order to
do that, in order to have that kind of access,
he had to demonstrate the absolute highest responsibility. He had
to be perfectly cleansed, he had to put on special garments,
and if he did not, then he would step into
the Holy of Holies and he would drop dead. Greatest access,
(19:25):
greatest responsibility required. Those two words became really important to
me as I started trying to understand the difference between
healthy and unhealthy boundaries, helpful and utterly unhelpful boundaries, access
(19:47):
and responsibility. And here's what occurred to me. We all
have limited capacity in our life. Like we have limited
financial capacity in our bank account, we have limited time
capacity we have limited energy capacity, and some people have
a lot more energy capacity, and some people are lower capacity.
(20:10):
Some people have a lot more financial capacity, and others
have lower capacity. But regardless, in all these areas of capacity,
we're limited, not because we're selfish necessarily, but because we're human. Now,
if we get selfish with our capacity, then God can
certainly check our hearts on this. But what I'm seeing
(20:32):
more often in my life is that I start to
have this notion that I'm unlimited in some areas of
my capacity where I'm very limited, and then it causes
me when I hyper extend or bankrupt my area of
capacity because I'm saying yes to do much and I'm
(20:53):
not properly managing my own areas of capacity. What happens
to me is I start acting like I think I'm God,
because God is He is unlimited. God has all the capacity,
and so when we start to act like we are
(21:15):
unlimited in our capacity, then we start acting like God.
We are limited, not because we're selfish necessarily, but because
we are very very human. So back to that word access.
If I am giving level ten access to someone who
(21:37):
is not demonstrating level ten responsibility, maybe they're only demonstrating
level three responsibility. Right, the distance between the access that
I'm granting them and the responsibility that they are demonstrating.
That distance right there, that is where dysfunction grows. That
(21:58):
is where there's chaos, right, and that's where a boundary
is needed. Now here's the mistake I used to make.
I would go, Okay, I'm giving level ten access. This
person is only demonstrating level three responsibility. So I know
what I have to do. I have to put a
boundary on them to force them, using external pressure, to
(22:20):
increase their responsibility up to the level of access that
I've granted them. So we can have a conversation with
someone and request that they be more responsible. But if
they are unwilling or incapable of anything more than level
three responsibility, us putting a boundary on them is only
going to cause more frustration. You see, we cannot possibly
(22:45):
permanently change another person by using external pressure. Now think
about today, if someone had a cardiac event, obviously those
of us who know how to do CPR, we would
rush to that person's aid and using external pressure, we
would apply that pressure to make their heart beat and
(23:08):
to create a change in their situation. But at some
point if their heart does not start to quicken and
beat on its own, you cannot permanently sustain that change
using external pressure. Right. Never have you seen two friends
walking around them all one doing chest compressions on the
other and think, Wow, that's a sustainable, healthy relationship. Right? No, So,
(23:35):
but I know the desperation. I know the desperate feeling
of something's got to change, and you know that it's
the responsibility this person is not bringing. That's what's got
to change. And so most of us just stay stuck
in this frustrating place. We know that changes needed to
be made. We make the changes that we can make.
(23:57):
But in a relationship, if the other person is un
willing or incapable, then that's where that weird dysfunction starts
to happen. So if it's utterly unhelpful to put a
boundary on this other person trying to force them to change,
what do we do? We put a boundary on ourselves.
(24:18):
We put a boundary on ourselves. And if I am
giving level ten access to areas of my capacity to
someone who's only bringing level three responsibility, I cannot control
another person. But God does say evidence of his fruit
inside of me. One of those fruits is self control,
and so I must reduce the access I grant to
(24:42):
that person down to their demonstrated level of responsibility, right,
so that equilibrium can occur in this relationship. Now here's
the really great news. You guys are already doing this
really really well in some areas of your life. Here's
(25:02):
how I'm going to prove this to you. Okay, raise
your hand. If you have a bank account, just raise
your hand. I'm not coming after your bank account today.
I just want you to know, okay, perfect, how many
of you have a password or a security code protecting
your bank account? Raise your hand? Is it because you're selfish, unchristian, unkind,
(25:24):
not willing to give to others? No, that's not at all.
You have a passcode. And I didn't say you could
remember your passcode. I'm just saying you have a passcode, right,
But you have a passcode? Why? Because you have limited
resources in your bank account, and if you gave everyone
(25:44):
in here access to your bank account, then there may
be some people in here who would be irresponsible and
they would take so much of the money that you
have in your bank account that you would become bankrupt. Therefore,
you put a security pass code there, not because you're selfish,
but because you are wise and because you want to
(26:07):
be a good steward of the resources that you have.
We know this with our financial capacity, but we forget
it in so many other areas of our life. Okay,
so how does this really work? How does it really work?
If you know that you have limited capacity and you're
(26:31):
reducing the access to some area of your capacity down
to their demonstrated level of responsibility, how in the world
do you even communicate that? Well, in a very simple sense,
let's say that you have a child in third grade.
Last year, that child was in second grade, and the
(26:52):
second grade teacher emails you and said, you know, last
year you did the end of the year party for
the second grade, and you did such an amazing job.
We were just wondering. I know you don't have any
children in second grade this year, but we're just wondering,
can you come back and can you arrange the end
of the year party for the second grade. Now here's
the crisis that would happen in my heart. First of all,
(27:13):
I would say they loved the way I did the
end of the year party. I mean, this is such
an honor. Wow. Right, But then I was starting to
get this pit in my stomach because my gut would
say no, absolutely not, You do not have the time
to do this. But then, why in the world does
(27:35):
my mouth say yes? And it just does because I
kind of think their request suddenly has become my responsibility.
And here's the thing that really would wig me out.
I was so afraid that if I said no that
they would be so disappointed in me, and so I
(27:56):
would rather carry the burden of saying yes rather than
the burden of saying no. HM. So I'm going to
give you a simple little script. This is about to
change your life. With apologies to the second grade teacher
out there who's wanting a third grade parent to do
their end of the year party. Here we go. Here's
(28:16):
a simple way that you can reduce the access and
communicate a really healthy boundary and still reflect the beauty
of your own heart. You can simply reply back, thank
you so much. It's such an honor that you requested
this of me. While my heart says yes, yes, yes,
the reality of my time makes this a no. Thank
(28:40):
you and sign your name. You don't need to explain it.
My counselor. You know, I mean, I think we can
all do this right now. My counselor has really worked
with me on this, and it was really important that
I learned this. You see, I used to think I
had to over explain. I still struggle with over explaining.
(29:00):
Do we have any over explainers in the room. Okay, remember,
do not poke your neighbor. Let them just say that
they are an over explainer. Okay. So here's what I
would do. I would say my heart says yes, yes, yes,
the reality of my time makes this a no. And
then I would start to explain all the reasons why.
And my counselor said this to me, and it absolutely
(29:21):
radically changed my thought process, he said, Lisa, adults inform
children explain good right? All right, all right, so let's
go to something a little more challenging. Let's say you
have a friend, possibly a family member. But let's say
(29:42):
you have a friend and y'all love going to church together.
Don't poke your neighbor. Okay, so you love going to
church together. However, you have different definitions of being on time, right,
and this is really causing some situationtional stress. Right. Okay,
(30:03):
So let's say your definition of being on time is
that you want to get their twenty minutes early. You
do why because you have got to get a parking space.
This is so funny. I see somebody holding up blinders
against their neighbor right now, you're cracking me up. Okay,
So your definition of being on time is to get
(30:25):
their twenty minutes early because you want to have time
to park and actually walk through the parking lot, right,
novel idea. And then you want to get inside. You
want to go t tea potty right, because you don't
want to be sitting in there and be thinking about that,
so you wanted to go do that. Then then you
want to be able to come in. You want to
get a seat, You want to watch the announcements. You
(30:47):
want to be ready for the first note of the
first praise song because that is being on time to you. Amen, Amen. Okay.
But let's say your friend has a different definition of
being on time. Their definition of being on time is
that they can skirt in here before the last praise
song is finished. That is their definition of being on time.
(31:09):
Right now, here's the deal. Are you bad for wanting
to be there twenty minutes early? No? Are they bad,
they still want to go to church. I mean they're
just getting here, like before the last praise song, espelishly.
I mean maybe some of you think is bad, but
I say, in general, that's not bad. It just means
you have two different definitions of being on time right.
(31:34):
And so you realize that something's got to change, because
every week you're writing with them, and they are making
you late according to you. And now you are sitting
way up there in the balcony, right, or you may
not even make it inside. You may have to be
sitting somewhere in the overflow, right. And now you're so
(31:57):
twisted up in a knot because you are ready. You
could have been down here on the floor. That's where
you could have been, right, and you could have gone teeepotty.
You who see the announcements, listen to all the praise songs.
And so now when they make you skirt in at
the last moment and you're out of breath from running
through the parking lot and you had to park five
miles away, you know, And now you finally get in
your seat, you are so twisted up in a knot
(32:19):
that you cannot even enjoy anything because all you want
is for Pastor Steven to address the issues of this
person that made you lay on huh you know what
I'm saying. Okay, so you have a choice. You could
just start avoiding this person. That's what some of us do, right.
(32:41):
So they call and say, oh, do you want to
ride your church together? And you could say, oh, you know,
I would really love to go to church with you today.
I really would. The problem is I have to run
errands before I go to church. I mean, and they're
one person errands, just one and and so this other
(33:04):
person when you're communicating this, they know something's up and
they're going to personalize it and get their feelings hurt
because they can't quite figure out why you're being distant.
And then you could possibly just try to still go
with them and be late. And you're going to take
it and take it and take it and take it
and take it until one day you just cannot and
you snap and you jump from trying to take it
(33:26):
all the way over here to where you cannot take
it anymore, and you just skirt that friendship altogether. You See,
what a boundary does is that helps us avoid extremes,
the extreme of I'm going to take it and take
it and take it until I'm so frazzled and fractured,
worn out and worn down that I just don't even
want to be that person's friend anymore. So you jump
(33:47):
from that extreme all the way to you're done. Boundaries,
what they really are, is a way to bring the
conversation back to the middle, to avoid those extremes. Boundaries
are nothing more than a conversational tool, a healthy conversational
tool where you can establish what is and is not
(34:09):
okay in this relationship, what you do have to give
and what you don't have to give, what you will tolerate,
and what you will not tolerate. Now, obviously we need
the Lord to check our hearts here, you know, we
don't want to start being just absolutely irresponsible. I mean,
I had, you know, possibly one of my many children
try to draw a boundary this year at Christmas, and
(34:31):
they just said, I do not have it to give
to help wash any of the dishes, to which to
which I replied, and I do not have it to
give to put food on any of your dishes. So
neither of those are helpful or healthy, right, So we
do it to check our heart. We don't want to
draw boundaries to sort of be some sort of weapon
(34:52):
to make us able to get out of our responsibilities.
We do have responsibilities. At the same time, we have
the responsibility to stay self controlled in our relationships. So
you could simply have this conversation with this friend. Hi, friend,
(35:13):
I love going to church with you, I really do.
Is that true? It is true? Right, So don't put
a butt there, because if you put a butt, I
love going to church with you butt, that's sort of
negates the fact that you love going to church with them. Okay,
so you put an and I love going to church
with you, and I have a different definition of being
on time than you do. That doesn't make me right
and you wrong, or you right and me wrong. It
(35:35):
just means we're different. So here's the deal. I'm going
to drive to church this week. I would love for
you to ride with me, and I'm pulling out of
my driveway at this time so that I can get
there twenty minutes early. If you would like to ride
with me, great, be in my car at that time. However,
(35:56):
let me give you some really awesome news. If you
are being more creative with your time, so creative, then
we can just ride separately, no big deal, and I'll
save you a seat you can sit right beside me.
I'll even catch you up on all the prey songs
that we sang, you know. And we're still going to
(36:19):
be great friends, and we're still going to be at
church together. But we've just made the wise decision not
to go to church together. Now, what's better having that
conversation or getting so frustrated in that relationship you just
don't even want to be around that person at all.
You see, boundaries help us bring it back to the
middle and simply say here's what I have to give,
(36:42):
and here's what I don't have to give, here's what
I can tolerate, and here's what I will not tolerate.
And it's not out of a mean spirit, it's actually
so that we can stay self controlled. I did this
activity one time, and I pulled out my journal and
I wrote, this is who Lisa is when she's operating
at her best. I'm kind, I'm generous, I'm easygoing, all
(37:07):
kinds of different qualities. Then on the next page, I wrote,
and this is who Lisa is. This is who I
am when I get frazzled, fractured, worn down, and worn out.
I am impatient, I'm withdrawn, I'm skeptical of everyone. I
don't want to give anything to anyone. Now I ask
myself the question, which version of Lisa do I want
(37:31):
to stay front and center in my relationships? You see boundaries,
me drawing healthy boundaries, ME putting boundaries on myself so
that I can stay safe, sane, stable, and self controlled.
It is my way of fighting for the relationship so
(37:52):
I don't have to spend so much time fighting against
other people. Now, what about the verse that says where
Jesus instructs us to lay down our life for our friends.
And Jesus not only instructed us to do that, but
he modeled it. And you're absolutely right. Jesus absolutely modeled
(38:14):
and taught to lay down our life for our friends.
And Jesus did this. But never forget Jesus laid down
his one life for a high and holy purpose. Jesus
did not lay down his life to enable bad behavior
(38:34):
to continue. Amen. Amen, Well, I want to end today
with what I feel like is the most important thing
for us to remember in all of these boundary conversations,
and I'm going to do it by telling a story
so many years ago, my family decided that they wanted
(38:58):
to go get certified to learn how to go scuba diving.
I thought this was an absolutely terrible idea for several reasons,
because sharks eat people every day, and you know, I
don't like to get my hair wet, So there's two
really good reasons why I don't want to get certified
to go scuba diving. But they were so absolutely convinced
(39:20):
that this is what we needed to do. So we
all signed up and we went to the classes and
everything was okay. In the classroom, it was good. And
then we went and did our first dive in the
pool and we did pretty good. And then we did
our next dive in a lake and that was okay.
But now it was the day. It was time for
our first big family dive in the ocean. So we
(39:43):
took the boat out and we all have on our
gear and we get out into the middle of the
ocean and the dive master gives us some last minute
instructions for what to do. Then he instructs us to
get in the water. So we all get in the
water and then he says, okay, you know, the first
thing you need to do is to let the air
out of your air vest and start to descend in increments,
(40:05):
and then we'll all meet up thirty feet below the
surface on the ocean floor. And so we had practiced
this enough where I knew exactly what I was supposed
to do, and so did everyone else. So we all
did it. We pushed the button to let the air
out of our air vests, and everyone else did exactly
what they were supposed to do. They started to descend
(40:26):
in increments. I let the air out of my air
vest and nothing happened. I am just floating on the top.
Have you ever seen one of those movies where it's
like everybody in a group is okay, but it's the
one person floating at the top that the shark comes
to get. Uh huh. That's very much what I was
feeling of that moment. And I just kept saying in
(40:48):
my brain, don't panic, don't panic, don't panic. But sometimes
my brain does not send that message to my heart,
and in my heart, I was absolutely frantic. So I thought,
no big deal. I don't want to cause a scene.
I'm going to put my head down, I'm going to
swim to my people. That's not what you're supposed to do,
but I did it. So put my head down. I
started swimming, swimming, swimming to my people. The problem was
that my backside was like a cork, very much drawn
(41:11):
to the surface of the water. I could not get
down to my people. Eventually, the dive master sees what's
happening and he swims up and he looks at me
and he said, oh, you're you're having buoyancy issues. And
I got this look on my face like I didn't
quite understand what he was saying. And he was like, yeah,
(41:34):
you see fat floats when it's in salt water. Excuse me,
I will cut you. You need right, you need to
back it up, sir, right, you really need to be
(41:57):
thankful you spent that I spent some time with Jesus
the morning. That's what you need to be thankful for.
And so he could tell that I did not like
that answer, and he's like, oh, oh, oh, but it's
no problem. I know how to fix this for you.
So he gets on the boat and he gets this
belt and he hands it to me. He says, you
just need to put this belt on. We're going to
add some weight and it'll force you to sink. Thank you, sir,
(42:18):
that's awesome. And so I put the belt on and
we start adding weights to the belt, and then we
add more weight, and then we add more weight. Y'all,
nothing is happening, and so then he feels the need
to over explain what's going on. He said, Wow, you
need as much weight as a very large man to
make you sink. Thank you. I've waited all my life
(42:40):
for a man to say that, really truly. And so
finally he gets enough weight on my weight belt to
where I do sink. The problem is that my bottom
is still pointed north at all times. And so I
got down to where my people were, but I was
like in the formation, and there is nothing I could
(43:01):
do at all, and so they are all my people
and they're all standing around. I'm just hanging there. And
have you ever been able to feel what someone else
is thinking? You know what I mean? I could feel
what my people were thinking. They were thinking, Hey, what's up,
Mom's butt, that's what's up? Just constantly up. And it
(43:22):
was just it was just not a good situation, right,
And I was trying so hard to pretend like it
was normal, but it was one hundred percent not normal.
And so the dive master just gives us some little
instructions using his hand, and then he divides us up
into groups, and now we're supposed to go and swim
off with the person we were assigned to. So I
was assigned with my oldest daughter, and so we had
(43:43):
barely turned from the group and we started to swim
from the group to go exploring, and suddenly a creature
out of nowhere whips right through us and rams itself
into my daughter's head. Well, I am out, absolutely panicked.
She is panicked, and I'm looking around and all my
(44:05):
other people are like, it's okay, it's okay. I look
at the dive master and he said it's okay, and
I'm thinking, yeah, because all you people are skinny, I'm
the chicken nugget down here, okay. And so yeah, you're
okay because that thing's gonna come after me and give
you all time to escape. So the creature kind of
went away for a little bit, and my daughter and
(44:27):
I are still tentative, and we decide, okay, we're just
gonna keep exploring, and the creature comes back and it
rams itself into my daughter's head so hard that she
completely panics and she jumps on top of me, expecting
me to be the solution to this issue. Well, she
causes so much of a stir that my other people
start jumping on top of me. Now everybody's looking at
(44:51):
me to save their life. But then I remembered my gift.
I ripped off that weight bell and we did rise.
Oh yeah, hi, Well we got up on that boat, y'all.
I was like, hmm, mabadon kenok saved ah you people.
(45:15):
But the dive master came up and he was absolutely
positively not impressed at all. He just wasn't and he
looked at us and he said, you all need to
sit on the edge of the boat. It was like
we were in boat time out, you know. And he
took his finger and he pointed it right at me.
He said, do you know why you panicked down there?
(45:35):
He said, you panicked because you took your eyes off
the dive muster, and the dive muster knows things you
don't know. And you were never in any trouble. The
worst danger you created is by shooting up back to
the boat without ascending an increments like you're supposed to.
Never take your eyes off the master. Never take your
(45:58):
eyes off the relationships. They're wonderful until they're not. And
you know, I think the most important thing when you're
(46:19):
trying to have healthy conversations and implement boundaries. And I
know so many of you have much more challenging situations
than the second grade teacher and than your friend making
you run late. I know it because I've lived those
really heartbreaking, devastating situations. And you're hesitant to draw boundaries
(46:44):
because you're so afraid that if you draw a boundary,
that that other person will take something from you that
they give you that you're not sure you'd be okay without.
We will always desperately want from other people what we
fear our God will not provide. Keep your eyes on
(47:05):
the Master. Keep your eyes on the Master. The Master
knows things you don't know. Stay in his word, keep
coming to church, keep listening to the messages, read helpful
resources on boundaries, and remember boundaries. The ultimate purpose is
(47:28):
to love others well without losing the best of who
we are. God bless you well. If you enjoyed today's podcast,
there are a couple things I'd love for you to do.
Make sure to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast. You
can also help us reach others by investing today at
(47:49):
elevationchurch dot org, slash give and thanks again for joining
us on the Elevation Podcast
Host
Steven Furtick
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