Crashing Out

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
On. God mm, there's nothing you could ever do to
stop me. If I see somebody hurt you or disrespect you,
I'm crashing out.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
Oh my goodness, you, me, the kids. I believe all that. Yeah, yeah,
I think all decorum goes out the window when that happens.

Speaker 1 (00:18):
For sure, dead Ass it all started with real talk, unfiltered,
honest and straight from the heart. Since then, we've gone
on to become Webby award winning podcasters in New York
Times bestselling authors.

Speaker 2 (00:31):
Dead Ass was more than a podcast for us. It
was about our growth, a place where we could be vulnerable,
be raw.

Speaker 1 (00:38):
Of course, but most apportly be us.

Speaker 2 (00:40):
But as we know, life keeps evolving and so do we,
and through it all, one thing has never changed.

Speaker 3 (00:47):
This is.

Speaker 2 (00:49):
Because we got a lot to talk about.

Speaker 1 (00:53):
Story time, all right, don't.

Speaker 2 (00:56):
Want to crash out moments.

Speaker 1 (00:57):
I actually got many overtimes I have to One doesn't
concern me, okay, and the other doesn't really concern me.
But I gotta give both of them just so people
can understand. The first one happened to friends of ours
right when they were married. They're no longer married. He
was a professional athlete and he was probably the biggest

(01:17):
professional athlete that you can play in any sports. Six
five three hundred pounds one of four to seven can
bench press four h five five times, just a behemoth
of a man. He and his wife are at the
Beyonce concert and at the end of the Beyonce concert
they're leaving early so that they can beat the traffic.
And while they're leaving, she feels someone grab her ass.

(01:40):
She doesn't say nothing. She looks back and there are
two guys. They're looking at her like like a smirk,
kind of drunk, kind of drunk, but like like a
smirk almost, and she chose to turn around and walk away.
They got back to their car halfway home, she says,
I tell you something. When we were leaving, two guys
grab my ass. His first response was, why didn't you

(02:03):
tell me? Right? And her response was that's right there, right.
So that's one story which I'm applauding her because she saved.

Speaker 2 (02:12):
Could have been a crash three lives that day.

Speaker 1 (02:14):
Those two men that they were there were puny once
of men that he probably would have just beat one
with the other right, and then he probably would have
been in jail.

Speaker 3 (02:25):
Right.

Speaker 1 (02:25):
So those are three people's lives that she saved plus
her kids.

Speaker 2 (02:30):
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (02:30):
The second story just happened to you. Chall wasn't there
You were in New York.

Speaker 2 (02:37):
New York doing press Watch Now, Watch Now. Yes, No,
I was in New York with my castmate LaToya Lucket
shout out LaToya and Portia. So we were exiting the
hotel taking a couple of photos before we head to
the Sherry Shepherd show. LaToya and I literally side by
side taking double shots together. Josh is behind the camera,

(03:00):
Jose is doing the highlight video. Latoya's photographer is there
on the I would say the middle of the street,
towards the sidewalk, kind of out of nowhere. As I'm
posing with LaToya taking the photos, I feel someone grabbed
my ass. So for me, it's very customary to have
my ass grab because y'all know who my husband is.

(03:22):
So my first my first thought was, no, Devao did
not come to surprise me in New York because I
know he was filming, so I'm like, knowing you, it
wouldn't have been uncustomary for you to say, hey, guys,
can I get the day or two off to come
and meet Kate in the city. So that was my
first thing. So I turned around hoping to see Deval.

(03:43):
There was no Devo. There was this white dude walking
away from me. And when we made eye contact, I said,
did you grab my ass? And he smirked at me.
Again they do this smirk because he knew exactly what
he was doing. And then he turned to walk away.
Then Latoya's husband comes to my defense, shout out to

(04:05):
t Leo comes to my defense, and in that moment,
I was just like, oh my gosh.

Speaker 1 (04:10):
If Deval was here, I would have crashed out.

Speaker 2 (04:13):
In this moment. It would have been ultimate crash outs
and that man would not have seen the light of day.

Speaker 1 (04:19):
I would have on top, mainly because I know the
embarrassment when you explained to me that you felt and
to feel violated like that, I would have wanted to
violate him the same way in front.

Speaker 2 (04:30):
Of all of those people, absolutely.

Speaker 1 (04:32):
So he could feel the same exact feeling you feel.
And I would have wanted you to see me violate
him that way, so you could at least have some redemption.
That would have been.

Speaker 2 (04:41):
Yeah, the whole Now, I completely understand that. I mean,
in that moment, I did feel, you know, feel protected
by you know, t leo Ja bowling. Shout out to Jay,
that's Latoya's stylist. And they all were, you know, rallying
behind me and made sure I was okay and we
left and always well after that. But yeah, in that moment,
I always say, de Val, the God keeps the valve
from situations where he would crash out. There's been several

(05:04):
times and it wasn't just us, it would be family
and if something would be happening, and Deval was just
like yo, if I was there, and I said, that's
the whole point. You weren't supposed to be there because
your reaction would not have been good and it could
have ended badly.

Speaker 1 (05:16):
I would have to say this too. Shout out to
Latoy's husband once again, because y'all have only known each
other at this point, about four or five weeks.

Speaker 2 (05:24):
I mean, yeah, we have just had a couple of
interactions here and there.

Speaker 1 (05:27):
He saw you respond that way and jumped right into
action and him and the God got into a physical altercation.
Shout out to him because he put hisself in danger
for my wife, which he didn't have to do. So
I owe you dinner and a movie, bro. Trust me.
When I finally see you, Because here's the truth. Take
on a date. I'll take him out on a date. Bro,
nigga protecting my wife? Yo, I take him out on

(05:49):
the date. It's on me.

Speaker 4 (05:51):
At a double date. Bro, look at a double date.

Speaker 1 (05:55):
From man to man. I know what it means to
step up and defend someone else's wife and you're not there,
you know what I'm saying. Like a lot of.

Speaker 2 (06:02):
Days, he said, yea, I know. If it was the
other way around, it would have been no question. My husband.
You know your husband would have protected.

Speaker 1 (06:07):
No question. And the thing is you, you don't know
what that guy has. He put his life on all
he went to approach to dude, you know what I'm saying.
So I respect him for that, But that also goes
to show you, like husbands have a responsibility, and it
almost like they take the responsibility for everybody, every woman
that's around, even when it's not you know what I'm saying,
and it's not just me. And I'm glad that it

(06:29):
happened that way so that you could see and other
people could see, Like that's just what a guy who
wants to be a provider and protected he's going to
do it. It doesn't have to be his own wife
or child. Sure, they're going to do that. And it's
the same way like mothers and women who nurture. It
doesn't have to always being their child the husband.

Speaker 2 (06:46):
Anybody in my possession is my baby, you know what
I'm saying. And they're going to be protected.

Speaker 1 (06:50):
That's what you call a village.

Speaker 2 (06:51):
Absolutely all right, y'all, we're.

Speaker 1 (06:53):
Gonna take a quick break, come back, pay some bills,
right we do.

Speaker 2 (07:00):
You're over there getting heated now. You don't even know
where you are in the show.

Speaker 3 (07:03):
He didn't playing because I'm like, it ain't too late
to crash out.

Speaker 2 (07:06):
You know what.

Speaker 3 (07:07):
I'm somebody got this man.

Speaker 2 (07:08):
On the footage, then the block I will go back to.
I know you would go back to wait for He
was like he wreaked at alcohol as if he did.
This was at like nine in the morning, eight in
the morning, so he clearly was coming from somewhere still inebriated.

Speaker 1 (07:24):
You know what it is New York. It's probably standing
up late people.

Speaker 2 (07:27):
Yeah, and it's right in Times Square area.

Speaker 1 (07:29):
So and people have heard my stories on this podcast
about my petty and being petty to people for months
after Remember when the guy locked you into the driveway,
and I went back with Achilles and kept throwing poop
on his front door for like a.

Speaker 4 (07:41):
Monent, Like what, No, that's another story.

Speaker 1 (07:45):
I'll tell y'all my crash out story after a.

Speaker 2 (07:47):
Couple stick around, y'all, it's good.

Speaker 1 (07:50):
Got a perfect song for y'all. Anybody who follows up
karaoke time, karaoke time you ready love ain't perfect, but
it is worth it.

Speaker 3 (07:59):
Oh shoot, even want to see you understand perfect, but
it's worth it.

Speaker 1 (08:09):
It may not be what you see on I G.
But it's dance show.

Speaker 3 (08:13):
Is that the world? Uh huh?

Speaker 1 (08:16):
Yeah that is the word baby, but it's still perfect.
That's my karaoke for exact the ultimate. He don't think
about nothing, man, except it's get back.

Speaker 2 (08:30):
That's scene with you beating poor Jeremiah.

Speaker 1 (08:32):
Yeah, that seemed hard to me for a little bit,
because you know how much I care about my brother
and family.

Speaker 2 (08:36):
I know, I know. I felt bad for what's his
name in real life?

Speaker 1 (08:40):
A mir We hugged after a long time after nobody
wanted to really think about Yeah, like, it's the visual
of this person here is my brother, and now visually
I have to sit down and wail on him and
his blood coming out of his mouth and his head.
And also it was a good representation of the remorse
you feel after because you've seen Zach after he did that,

(09:03):
get in the hospital with in the hospital with him
and he's crying over his brother, like, bro, like we
can't keep doing this to me. It was just a
good example of showing like crash outs, don't want to
crash out, bro.

Speaker 2 (09:12):
I'm so invested in you, in in Jeremiah well Zach
and Jeremiah's story because you guys, as brothers, you do
it really well. Y'all's chemistry is top ten, my gosh,
shout out a rock. All right, now, let's go pay
some bills this time and we will be back with
OP or No app And listen, guys, I'm so excited
to show you guys what we have added to OP

(09:35):
or No Opp.

Speaker 1 (09:36):
Let's get prop prop op op it don't stop to
the top. If it hops, lollipop, go ahead, just go
to break.

Speaker 2 (09:49):
All right, y'all Op or no Op Today on the cards,
it says things that make me want to crash out.
Trouble what you got?

Speaker 1 (09:56):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (09:56):
First off, let's introduce to them the new props we
have for OP or no OP. Everyone go ahead and
hold y'all pull y'all's.

Speaker 1 (10:02):
Up, three two, one back, all right.

Speaker 2 (10:07):
I love it.

Speaker 1 (10:07):
And I point out I've seen a comment somebody said, man,
I noticed the violent Kadean. Don't have no opinions on
the big celebrities. That's the fucking point.

Speaker 2 (10:18):
That's the point.

Speaker 1 (10:19):
The point is that their lives do nothing to help
or hinder ours. So we don't have opinions on ship
that don't got nothing to do with us.

Speaker 2 (10:28):
Why do we have to have an opinion on what
they do?

Speaker 1 (10:31):
I don't.

Speaker 2 (10:32):
Y'all just want us to be messy and just be
talking about ship that don't affect us period. Now. We'll
talk about current events and real world stuff, things that
may impact our children and our lives and our day
to day, but we're not talking about people in the business, y'all.

Speaker 1 (10:45):
Fact, we just not. So if that's what you're looking
for for OP and no OP, we're not giving it
to you. And we're going to keep doing that example
of us them asking us the questions of what's hot,
and we're gonna continuously say we don't have an opinion
on that.

Speaker 2 (10:57):
And y'all will catch on and realize you don't have
to have an opinion about celebrities exactly.

Speaker 3 (11:03):
I always tell people that people love this podcast and
love y'allays a couple because you have an aspirational life.
People aspire to be more like you. So hopefully y'all
aspire to be less messy, you know.

Speaker 1 (11:16):
Get some business.

Speaker 3 (11:20):
Come on, all right, op or no?

Speaker 5 (11:22):
Op.

Speaker 3 (11:24):
I'm not really into sports, but I'll follow the w
n B a because I'm gay. And if you're a
woman who played basketball, you are gay.

Speaker 2 (11:32):
So sorry that majority women in something every day they
have nothing. Lesbians can't have nothing.

Speaker 1 (11:46):
You thought you had basketball, thought you thought playing basketball?

Speaker 3 (11:52):
Love it? I was gonna say something has nothing to
do with it. Never mind. So during a May seventeenth
game between the Indiana Fever and the Chicago Sky fans
on social media were enraged in discussion about racist remarks
made towards Sky player Angel Reese, star player. She just

(12:13):
became the first w NBA player to reach five hundred
points and five hundred rebounds, so shout out to Angel
Reese for that. But people said that during a free
throw shot that Angel Reese was making that they heard
jungle sounds being played by the Indiana Fevers DJ and
that fans were making monkey noises, and this conversation took

(12:35):
place all on social media during postgame interviews. Neither Angel,
because you know Kaitlin Reees places for Indiana. Neither Angel
nor Caitlin Reas had anything to say about the altercation.
They played it down as it's just basketball talk. You know,
that's what we do on the court. But fans were enraged.
Was sparked the WNBA to say that they were going
to investigate the claims, and then recently they came back

(12:59):
and saying that the have been unsubstantiated. They played back
to the video, they listened to the audio. They said they
didn't hear anything.

Speaker 1 (13:06):
So I want to know orono, I think this is
a tale of two sides making villains of the other
sides when the two players aren't looking to be villains
with each other. You understand what I'm saying. So it's
like the fans of Caitlyn Clark, and I don't even
want to say the fans because she has said a
bunch of times like if you're a fan of mine
and you're using racist words, then you're not a fan.

(13:27):
Same thing with Angel Reas she has been trying to
keep it about basketball, and of course she has her
podcast that she gives her opinion, but they are fans
of hers who also just want to look for reasons
to not like Caitlyn Clark. On both sides. Now, if
we're going to be honest, we know which fans are
a lot more vitreal have a lot more vitrial off
of who like I'm not gonna sit up paying line.
The minute Angel Reese started to get a little bit

(13:48):
of success and won the National championship over Caitlyn Clark,
there was just all out hate towards Angel Reaes and
it's carried over to the WNBA and that's what we're
seeing now. My thing is, I want to applaud both
of those young ladies for being professionals. Let your fans
do what they do. They the fans are going to
be messy and nasty and discussion with them to say,

(14:09):
I'm here to play basketball. So I rock with both
of them on that.

Speaker 2 (14:12):
It's funny that you mentioned that, I guess. I guess
I do have an op not particularly about basketball, but
about pinning women against each other because, like Daval said,
they were professionals. They maintain their composure and they know
that it's part of the game.

Speaker 3 (14:25):
Right.

Speaker 2 (14:26):
The same can be said for me and Crystal.

Speaker 1 (14:28):
Oh, it's funny because we just brought up the es.

Speaker 2 (14:31):
Everybody wants me and Crystal to hate so bad, so bad,
when in real life we are such cool friends. People
facetimed hang out like, I don't understand why it has
to be a thing, And it's typically the fans of either,
you know, because I'm sure Crystal has her contingent of fans.
I have mine, and there's some overlaps, but it's like,

(14:53):
why does it have to be a thing. But what
I'm not gonna do is shucking jive for y'all on
the internet to prove my friendship with my friend.

Speaker 1 (15:02):
I feel you know what I'm saying. I feel you.

Speaker 2 (15:03):
So we're always going to be professional in public because
we have to be, and we're both actors and we're
both in the industry. But it's like, we don't have
to do the back and forth for y'all to make
y'all feel better, you know what I'm saying. So that's
my little op, I guess piggyback off of women being
pit against each other a.

Speaker 1 (15:19):
Good perspective because I've never been a woman in that
situation to be pit against an other women's.

Speaker 2 (15:24):
Yeah, it's just crazy. It's like, you want me to
do a post or do a story to make y'all
feel like y'all know what the relationship is when we
know what it is in a real life circumstance, Like,
it's ridiculous.

Speaker 1 (15:35):
I think it was two years ago. Yeah, Crystal turned
forty and that was the same year that your uncle
passed away within the week. So you in October, yes,
you off social media. Yeah, so when everybody was making
posts for Crystal for a birthday yeah, kay, actually was
that Crystal's house for a personal dinner. Yeah, and they
saw each other. So that following week all you saw
was you see, she didn't post Crystal on social media,

(15:57):
she don't really fuck with Crystal, and that she was
with Crystal on the day of her birthday. So I
see what you mean. But also, you don't got to
prove the social media who you are. You don't.

Speaker 2 (16:08):
You don't like I'm gonna make y'all feel better by
doing a post. No, Like, it's ridiculous. So I think
the same can be said for like, you know, I
think Angelae, Caitlyn. Yeah, they're just like guys, can I
do my job?

Speaker 6 (16:18):
Can we do?

Speaker 2 (16:18):
Can we do our job? And can't we just be
friends in real life without y'all's chiming, you know.

Speaker 3 (16:23):
And most people that are weighing in on the drama,
they're you know, using their own context to give their opinions,
like this is something. You don't know what it's like
to be a sports competitor, and so you think that
every little thing is gonna hit at somebody's emotions, or
you don't know what it's like to talk shit to
somebody on the basketball court or in your situation. You
don't know what's going on behind the scenes, and you

(16:46):
a lot of these a lot of these ladies really
don't have friends.

Speaker 1 (16:49):
I'll girls liked my so.

Speaker 3 (16:53):
Called best friend war keep dressing my birthday dinner? Like
what a bitch like? Right, talking shit about your best
friend who was trying to look as good as you. Babes,
You're insecure personally and very bored with the sports drama
in the w n B. A surrounding like racism or
trash talk on the field, on the court, what do
you call it?

Speaker 1 (17:14):
Crash talk, but I feel, you know, it's it's almost
like men get to trash talk each other, but when
the women try to each other, then.

Speaker 3 (17:20):
It's got to be emotional.

Speaker 2 (17:22):
She's caddy and that's just sports in general.

Speaker 3 (17:25):
The drama, the w n B A drama I live
for is the who fucking who right now? That's what
you know what I haven't seen NBA. Oh Wilson, Asia Wilson, though.
I want Asia Wilson to pick me up and just

(17:45):
toss me in the air. One good time.

Speaker 1 (17:49):
Is about six eight sixteen. He's sixteen, them is sixteen.
He might step on you taking shot to her. I mean,
this girl, it'll be working in this fly two though,
as she can ball. Like. The funny thing is all
of the stuff going on between Caitlyn and Angel Rees
has pretty much overshadowed the fact that Angel Wilson has
been like the league MVP and the best player in

(18:11):
the w A for the past three years. Yes, like
it's not even close. And that's the thing that bothers.

Speaker 6 (18:16):
The conversation between Caitlyn and Angel is tiring, bro.

Speaker 1 (18:19):
Yeah, people, And here's the truth.

Speaker 6 (18:22):
You know, it's tiring. I'm tired of the back and forth,
and it's not even between them, it's just the online fans.

Speaker 4 (18:29):
Yeah, it's more media driven than anything else.

Speaker 6 (18:32):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (18:32):
Uh, they're moving in competition from the court to the
media and basically trying to Yeah, we all know that
tainment selves.

Speaker 4 (18:40):
That's what this is. It's nothing more than that. So
it's silly to.

Speaker 1 (18:42):
Me agree, all right.

Speaker 3 (18:43):
Cool. So the second topic, and this is a topic
that personally makes me want to crash out. And we
live in Atlanta, So if I if I call you
and say I need bail money, just know I went
down Emery Hospital and crashed the fuck out. A thirty
year old black woman in Atlanta at Emory Hospital who
has been declared brain did is being kept alive on

(19:06):
life support because she is pregnant. Her name is Adrianna Smith,
and she actually went to the hospital seeking medical care
and she was denied medical care because at the time,
I think she was nine weeks pregnant, and so the
doctors were like, well, you're pregnant, we can't do anything
because we might get in trouble.

Speaker 6 (19:28):
The fetus.

Speaker 3 (19:29):
Yeah, And so subsequently she died and she became brain did.
And that was back in February and she's being kept
alive on life support because she has a fetus in
her body against her family's will. Her family is suffering
watching their child, their sister, their daughter, be kept alive

(19:51):
with a fetus that doctors don't even think is viable.
If this fetus does survive and is able to be delivered,
it will likely have very severe damage.

Speaker 1 (20:04):
And who's going to be on the on the hook
to say exact state is taking liberties to keep the
fetus in her alive, but then the minute the fetus
is gone or she dies, now the family's responsible.

Speaker 2 (20:17):
Assuming she had no power of attorney or anything over her.

Speaker 3 (20:20):
At thirty years old.

Speaker 1 (20:21):
I mean, hold on, who is going to be responsible
for the hospital building?

Speaker 3 (20:24):
That has been a question, that's been a question that
people have been asking. Most people think that the family
is going to be on hook for, you know, all
of this care. Some people are saying that she's not
probably not going to be charged for this care because
it's the hospital decision. But I think that's still up
in the air whether or not the family is going
to be on the hook for the bill.

Speaker 6 (20:45):
Hospitals a business about to say, hospital is a business.

Speaker 1 (20:48):
They charged us when Kay had the baby in triage.
They charged us twenty seven thousand dollars and then when we.

Speaker 2 (20:53):
Refused, Cairo delivered himself.

Speaker 1 (20:55):
Yes, Okay ejected himself.

Speaker 2 (20:56):
He literally ejected from my body and all they did
was just pass into me.

Speaker 1 (21:00):
So yeah, and then they love what do we refuse?

Speaker 2 (21:04):
We refused. I think it was like the vitamin K shot,
whatever shots they'd be giving babies in the hospital. We
were like, we don't want that, the eye joint, we
don't want that. And they were like, all right, well,
miss Ellis, do you need motrind do you need this that?
I didn't need, not a thing. I said, I'll be fine.
My body did what it was supposed to do. And
they were like, well you can.

Speaker 1 (21:19):
They said, you you need this room? Then yeah, if
you're gonna refuse care, we need this room. We were
there for one day, then I got a bill two
weeks later for twenty seven thousands.

Speaker 2 (21:28):
It's like any doctor that comes in and takes a
peek at your baby, it's a bill. Yes, it was
the hearing. It was a pediatrician. It was the you know,
whoever counted the toes, whoever counted the fingers, And I'm like,
these are all different doctors. That's all my baby.

Speaker 1 (21:39):
Yeah, one day, yes, okay, and we had to pay it.

Speaker 3 (21:42):
Yeah, between Trust the hospital between twenty twenty two, well,
I guess twenty twenty three. I spent a total of
like eleven days in the hospital. And when I got
that bill, I was calling down to the hospital and who, now,
who the hell did you say? I ain't never seen
no doctor rush. I don't remember that person. I don't
know what this is. You're gonna have to take that off.

(22:03):
By the time I was done, I really didn't have
to pay. I had to pay like three hundred and
fifty dollars. I had good insurance.

Speaker 1 (22:07):
Oh so you called them and you told them like
I didn't, they was putting that stuff on that bo.

Speaker 2 (22:10):
Yeah, because the medical coding department, all they do would
just be popping in codes. This is that code, This
is that code, This is that code.

Speaker 1 (22:16):
And can I pause you real quick? This is why
we do op or no op. You see how people
have ops on this, and it's important. That's because this
really affects all of us. It has nothing to do
with celebrity culture and everything to do with the fact
that people are going through this.

Speaker 2 (22:29):
Shit every real life, every day folks, So why do
we care about celebrity culture.

Speaker 3 (22:34):
And not just every day folks, but black women in particular.
A lot of people are markening back to a man
named Jay Mary and Simms, who is known as the
father of gynecology, who basically took practices from African women
who had been doing these practices for you know, lifetime generations,

(22:57):
and he would practice gynecology on enslaved women with no anesthesia,
no medication because the thought the practice, the thought back
then was that black people did not experience pain the
way white people do. And so a lot of yeah,
so he developed things like the speculum and stuff that

(23:20):
we use that has been developed since then for past
ers and stuff like that. And this is this is
another Jay Mary and Sims experience. And there is a
literal episode that is exactly what is happening. There's a
black woman in Handmaid's Tale who is brain dead, who's pregnant.
They're keeping her alive so that she has a baby,

(23:41):
and there is no mistake that they use a black
woman for that episode. That is exactly And it's so
funny because black women are more likely to die from
breast cancer from cervical cancer, from ovarian cancer, from childbirth,
all these things related to women's health, and the number
the one reason is because when they do studies in

(24:03):
research on these issues, they do not study Black women.
And so the way that black women respond to medicine.

Speaker 1 (24:10):
What you mean, they don't study Black women.

Speaker 3 (24:11):
When they do like treatment studies, when they do research
studies about sales focus groups, they only study white women.

Speaker 1 (24:18):
So they experiment on black women and then do the
studies for cures on white men exactly. And so they
wanted to be.

Speaker 3 (24:25):
Clear, a lot of information is not known how black
women's bodies respond to treatment. There's a lot of you know,
black women a lot of times suffer with fibroids and
don't know why there's no studies. Nobody gives a fuck,
you know what I'm saying. And yet in this situation,
they think that it's absolutely okay to do this experimental
project on a black woman while her family suffers and

(24:46):
while her body cannot be you know, consecrated.

Speaker 1 (24:50):
And just to be clear, this ain't the first time
you brought the young lady's name up. Who open did
the story on Henrietta Lacs, Henrita Lacts, who they pretty
much experimented on her and used her themselves to find
and cure like eighty plus diseases. And to be honest,
like these are the whitewashing of history prevents us from
knowing these stories.

Speaker 3 (25:10):
And the craziest part about that is when Henriette Henrietta
Lacks died from I think it was ovarian cancer or
serbo cancer or something like that. And while she was
alive receiving treatment, she wasn't receiving any care for pain.
So in the book about Henrietta Lacks their stories about
hearing her scream in agony while she was in the
hospital and nobody doing anything about it. But as soon

(25:33):
as she died, because her cancer cells reproduced at rapid
rates and kept reproducing even after she was dead, they
were able to use her sales to create treatments like penicillin,
which is one of the most important vaccine you know,
medicines that we've had in history. Yeah, and her family
had no idea they were even doing.

Speaker 1 (25:53):
This and didn't receive anything from it. No, that's the
biggest thing, too, right, you'll take from us, but she
won't even give or compensate us on what we need.
And I think it's important that we as a people
understand that this is happening, right, and we have to
do things to prevent it. For example, you go to
the hospital with your young lady or your girlfriend or
your daughter, there has to be an advocate there for

(26:14):
her when she gets there, because you never know. It's
not enough just to trust people or say I'm going
to trust the doctors. You can't.

Speaker 2 (26:21):
There's so many women that I know who have had
children and it's just like, wait till you hear my
birthing story, and it's like, why do they have to
have these outlandish, ridiculous birthing stories where they're not heard,
not cared for, not considered. It's just it's really.

Speaker 1 (26:36):
You know why it's that way because we want to
ignore the fact that this is what America is. Yeah,
that's just the fact. Like we'll see these stories. For example,
we hear about Tosa, Oklahoma, I'm like, wow, that really happened. Yes,
it happened a whole bunch of times, and it's still happening,
So yes, it happened. We need to stop being surprised

(26:56):
and understand that this is a fact and start taking
liberties with our own Yeah.

Speaker 2 (27:00):
That's why shout out to birth Fund. So birth Fund
is a fund started by Elaine welter Roth and I
went down well over across to LA for a Mother's
Day event that she had. It was like her second annual,
but it was a nice family day where I got
to see a bunch of mothers. There were also you know,
spouse's husband's family. It was a really nice family day.
But the purpose of birth Fund is to of course,

(27:21):
first raise awareness around the fact that black women are
dying at an exponentially larger rate than our white counterparts
when it comes to labor delivery, even postpartum, and then
also bringing back and I think also educating people on
the importance of midwa free care. Like Tripo said, that
was happening since the beginning of time there were no doctors.

(27:43):
So midwives literally believe in the holistic approach to labor, delivery, pregnancy,
and the care for a woman through the entire process.
So I'm very much active now with Elaine to see
how we can continue to get the word out about
that within our communities and then abroad, because it's important
for us to just know what the options are. So

(28:03):
many people don't even know about the options of midwardfree
care versus hospital care.

Speaker 1 (28:07):
You know what I want to research because you just
brought this up, and you brought up the young man
who pretty much stole guynecology from black or midwives. Remember,
during the enslaved period, there were times where slave owners'
wives were going through issues with pregnancies. You know who
they called oftentimes that like the then mothers and the
black women.

Speaker 2 (28:27):
The matriarch is something with my wife.

Speaker 1 (28:30):
Yeah, And like there need to be more stories told
about that because those are the same reason why those
white men and those white women chose black mothers to
care for their children. You know what I'm saying, Like,
there's a there's a history that we need to.

Speaker 2 (28:43):
There's a reason why they saw value in that.

Speaker 1 (28:45):
That type of history would bring us closer better than
us telling the history of hatred and violence. Let's tell
the history of why white people needed black people to
care for their kids. Let's explain why black women have
we talked about this before? Right, I'm not a conspiracy theorist,
but I do think if you understand exercise science and physiology,

(29:06):
they have a new new process called PRP where they
take the blood out of your body they spin it,
get all of the nutrients and everything from and they
put it back in your own blood. If you see
how they experiment on black women, it makes sense. The
first humans started in Africa, so the closer you are
to that first human, the more your blood or your

(29:26):
cells or your nutrients can cure diseases. We as black
people need to understand that as well, rather than going
outside to get Western medicine to cure us. That's another
reason why so many of us are sick right think
about it. We watch stuff on TV and say, oh,
that works for them, maybe it works for us, but
like Tripple just said, none of those things were designed

(29:47):
for us.

Speaker 4 (29:48):
Yeah, I think there's a.

Speaker 5 (29:51):
There is a high blood pressure medication that is made
for people with high blood pressure, but it's tested only
on white Caucasian people, and it's not the same because
we have a high blood pressure for completely different reasons.
There's a good out of them, So that's a good
study saying like the medications that they're giving us don't
really treat the exact issue of why, like why we

(30:14):
need it. Sense it's helping high blood pressure, but it's
also like not targeted specifically for African Americans, So it's.

Speaker 1 (30:21):
Helping a symptom. Not really.

Speaker 5 (30:23):
Yeah, And I think I think part of it is
I'm probably talking out of the term, but it just
does not work the same way that it works for
white people. They didn't test on anybody in Africa. They
didn't test on African Americans. Literally tested only on white people, and.

Speaker 1 (30:39):
Our biochemistry is very different. I know this from studying
exercise physiology and kinesiology. Even the professors would say, your
athletes are going to be different based on where they
come from, based on race and ethnicity. That is like
a fact they tell us in school. Your athletes will
be different. You can't look at an athlete and say, oh,
this athlete is this. I can put all of these
athletes in the same program. So if that works for

(31:00):
sports performance, it should work for like medicine. You know,
you can't put everybody on the same program.

Speaker 2 (31:05):
So you know what they do market towards us though
as black people McDonald's I love blast you seriously, y'all
wonder why we have high blood pressure? Lovest like the
out of here. That's exactly what they market towards us.

(31:26):
So is it a surprise that they want to keep
us that way.

Speaker 4 (31:34):
Like a bow jangle.

Speaker 3 (31:37):
That's how That's exactly how it sounds.

Speaker 2 (31:42):
It sounds just like I stopped.

Speaker 3 (31:45):
Yeah. So uh, that is a situation personally that I
would crash out over if I was in that situation.
I consider myself, uh a part of the wood demographic wood,
Like I would, I wish a nigga would. I'd be waiting,
I'd be woo, I be waiting, Honey, I'll be seeing

(32:09):
these videos these white people doing crazy ship to black
people calling me any where, and they just filming, like,
got your own camera, I'm gonna put that camera down
because I'm about to do something really illegal to your ass.

Speaker 2 (32:21):
With the two peaks.

Speaker 1 (32:24):
Yeah, talking about exactly.

Speaker 3 (32:28):
And I'm gonna sing a song. When I do sing
the song, I wish, I really do. I really wish
the nigga would. I really used to be crash out. Queen.

Speaker 1 (32:38):
You are crush a fucking you was you was fighting
in high school? Not really in high school.

Speaker 4 (32:47):
She was breaking an entering, that's what she was doing.
That was college.

Speaker 1 (32:50):
That was college.

Speaker 3 (32:51):
Yeah. I fought a little bit in high school. I
fall a little bit in you know, elementary all through life.
In college, I definitely was fighting host uh, and it's
usually just for somebody else. Like, I don't like to
be disrespected. I don't like for my friends to be expected.
I don't like bullies. Uh my crash out era change.

(33:11):
So I my friend was getting bullied. This girl she
my friend like playfully sat on one of our male
friend's laps or was dancing with him or something at
a club. I wasn't there, and his girlfriend saw her.
She got mad and his girlfriend wanted to carry this
beef on and so they were kind of, you know,
just doing ship to my friend while we were at

(33:32):
this party. And so I ended up leaving a party
with another friend. I see the girl outside and the
girl is like, oh you with you know my friend?
And I'm like, oh, y'all, y'all the girl. So I
ended up fighting the girls outside.

Speaker 1 (33:46):
Then we leave.

Speaker 3 (33:49):
And I went to Africa that summer.

Speaker 1 (33:52):
Thought somebody went to Africa.

Speaker 3 (34:00):
Yes, exactly. They got strong bones over there in the
Motherland too. So I was in Africa, and while I
was there, I guess my friends wanted to redeem themselves
because they weren't the ones that fought even though it
was their beef. So they get a bunch of girls together.
They want they meet these girls in the park. These

(34:21):
girls bring a man with them who brings a gun,
and this man proceeds to like pistol whip. Yeah, it
was crazy.

Speaker 2 (34:31):
Not the pistol whipping.

Speaker 3 (34:32):
It was.

Speaker 2 (34:33):
And I was in college.

Speaker 3 (34:35):
This was like I graduated from college that year.

Speaker 1 (34:38):
So where you went to school? Ohio State never sent
my kids with corn fan.

Speaker 3 (34:46):
Ghetto. The girls are ghetto in Ohio.

Speaker 1 (34:48):
I didn't know it got that crazy though off there
Ohio State.

Speaker 3 (34:51):
Yeah, I mean not off campus. The girls that we
fought didn't even go to Ohio State. I think one
of them grew to be a video vixen.

Speaker 2 (35:06):
Rival is crazy.

Speaker 3 (35:07):
Columbus Community College whatever, And the dude was definitely not enrolled.
He was just a Columbus nigga.

Speaker 1 (35:13):
Yeah, well he.

Speaker 3 (35:16):
From around the way. But that that kind of changed.
You know, my mindset on crashing out. Now I've cussed,
I have cussed, I keep a weapon in the car,
and so I mean I'll still crash. I crashed out
on an NYPD officer in twenty seventeen.

Speaker 1 (35:38):
You you wow, oh god, you know what is George?

Speaker 4 (35:42):
What day week was?

Speaker 3 (35:43):
And he said George after my crashed out pre George Floyd.
He said, this is why people end up getting shot.

Speaker 1 (35:49):
Well, see what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (35:50):
And I said, well, it'll be a good motherfucking day.
And y'all let him know on the news that I
crashed out on his ass too. Yeah, if I get
shot by cars and then.

Speaker 1 (36:00):
You go to the news triple and crashed out went
to Africa, Tripple went to the news.

Speaker 4 (36:06):
Crash out and.

Speaker 3 (36:09):
A crash side. But yeah, so you know, I've tried
to change. I've matured. I don't crash out so easily,
and I'm definitely not crashing out for anybody else's petty beef.
But what are what are some of the things that
y'all have crashed or would crash out over.

Speaker 6 (36:26):
Before y'all get into that, what day to week did
you crash out in that officer?

Speaker 3 (36:30):
Saturday? It must have been it was a Friday or Saturday.
It was crazy because the people I'm in the car
with four other people. We get pulled over. Four playe
closed officers surround the car. They're at every window of
the car.

Speaker 1 (36:43):
Sound like ny detective.

Speaker 3 (36:45):
They asked, We weren't even a block away. We had
went around the block as somebody left their phone or
something at the house. So we get pulled over. They
surround the car. They asked the driver, have y'all been
smoking weed? The driver with her dumb ass, said not
in here, And that's the moment my crash out started.
That is not a question you need to ask. There's

(37:06):
no weed in the car. You don't smell weed. You
can ask for her. I did let us know why
you're pulling her over, and then if there's not a reason,
you need to let us know. And the stupid niggas
in the car were like, triple shut up. No, bitch,
you shut up because you're doing the stupid ass talking you. Now,
I'm not going to jail for that ship. If I
go to jail, it's gonna be for slapping the ship

(37:27):
out of this motherfucking police officer, but not for no weed.
Get the fuck out of here. So they did let
us go because I'm not a damn fool.

Speaker 1 (37:38):
Well, they had no reason to keep y'all.

Speaker 3 (37:40):
Yeah, but then he.

Speaker 2 (37:44):
And I will see this morning.

Speaker 1 (37:46):
You know why, dudes, there's a greater level of repercussion
when men get to crashing out. And I'll give you
an example y'all ladies about to start fighting. The only
dude that got involved brought a gun. This is what
stops me from crashing out a lot of times because
a lot of dudes are emotional and a lot of

(38:08):
dudes can't fight. So you know what happens when you're
emotional and you can't fight, you gotta pick up a weapon.
It may not always be a gun. It may be
a razor, it may be a knife, but it could
bet anything. But I like men, they when they go
to crash out, it always ends up in incarceration of death.
So for me, there's not a lot of things that
I'll crash out for. But if it's my wife or

(38:31):
my kids, I'm not there's no the value should have
thought there was nothing to think about. My wife was
in danger, my kids was in danger. My wife felt disrespected,
my kids felt disrespected. They need to feel that someone
protects them, because if no one protects them, then what
is my point? You know what I'm saying, Like, if
you have, if you have one thing in life right

(38:53):
as a as a person, you have to survive by
any means necessary. Right, think about taking away all social constructs.
We don't live in a Mariqueen live anywhere. You just
wake up and it's like, I gotta survive. Then I
meet another person that we're gonna survive together, and we're
gonna have offspring together. It's my responsibility to make sure
we all survive.

Speaker 5 (39:11):
Absolutely, it's your responsibility to protect them and not to
crash out.

Speaker 1 (39:16):
I agree, I agree, I agree, that's my responsibility.

Speaker 5 (39:19):
Yeah, so don't ever crash out because of those responsibilities.
The responsibility for that is to protect them. You crash
out by everything else, but those two things your job
is to protect because if you crash out to.

Speaker 2 (39:31):
The point, now I'm gone and now you're gone. How
does one temper emotions when you're on the verge of
crashing out? What do you replan in your mind to say?
You know what, it may not be worth it.

Speaker 4 (39:42):
In this it ain't worth it?

Speaker 3 (39:44):
Is it worth it?

Speaker 1 (39:46):
I've listened this. This goes back to the story she
chose not to tell him because she could foresee that
he was going to crash out. If I'm being honest,
I feel like women do a better job of controlling
their emotions in those type of times, Like from what
I've seen in the hood growing up in Brooklyn, you

(40:06):
know how many men are behind bars, are dead because
they just went out there and did something on how
many women were calculated enough to not crash out themselves,
but to tell they brother or their father, or they
cousin or their friend. You know what I'm saying, it's
whatever women have, that's what we got to learn.

Speaker 5 (40:22):
I think it's saying to control emotions in the height
of conflict that might have Dudes just might be like,
in a height of conflict, like I just got to
solve it, I gotta fix it, I gotta do something,
whereas women might be a little bit more calculated in that.

Speaker 2 (40:36):
Regard, but also kind of emotional too, because I can
think of a couple times, even growing up in Brooklyn,
where there's been a young lady that felt like, for
whatever reason, she was disrespected and was like, wait till
I call my brother, Wait till I sell my father.
And then they make a mountain out of a Mohill
type of situation, getting the brother or the father or
the cousin rowed up, and then they end up coming
to press another set of dudes and it becomes a
whole altercation. And she probably didn't think it was going

(40:58):
to escalate to be that. But it's like in that
moment where he felt like he had to come to
her defense, that escalated the entire situation.

Speaker 1 (41:05):
You know what I think is that this is where
we can actually use toxic masculinity as an example, right,
because what we think is masculine is to go out
there and just hit somebody and fight somebody, and that's
extremely toxic. When the real masculinity is to be even
emotional and come to a solution without resorting to violence.

(41:26):
That's the perfect example of toxic masculinity is thinking that
the only way I can show my power is by
escalating to violence. You know what I'm saying, Like, that's
what we as a community need to learn it.

Speaker 3 (41:36):
That's I just want to point out that in the
ongoing debate between me and Deval, that's the point for
me was that you agree with toxic masculinity for one.

Speaker 1 (41:47):
Nah, that's that's extremely toxic and I and I will
I will admit the fact that men think that the
only way that I could be more manly than this
next man is to be physically more dominant is extremely toxic.

Speaker 2 (42:00):
I've seen you exercise that exact thing. I don't know
if we've told this story before, but it was my
sister's twenty first birthday at Tracks and you were with me,
my sister cousin a group of us, and my sister
was in the VIP section. This dude was kind of
drunk coming up on the stage with her and she
was just like, bro, this is not your section. So
on the back and forth, and Deval in that moment,

(42:21):
could have trying to defend his sister had been like
in the dude's face and making this altercation more than
it needed to be, because dude was ready to have
He was ready to make it. That's what he was
ready to make it that he had his team of
friends behind and his goal was to prove a point
in that moment. And I saw Devell literally stay cool

(42:42):
as a cucumber and even Q, I think your part
because that I had no backup.

Speaker 1 (42:45):
It was just me.

Speaker 5 (42:48):
He probably just prepped for that before even stepped into
the building. Women, we're just gonna figure this out. We
ain't gonna go crazy, we ain't gonna yeah, we ain't
gona do nothing. We gotta do something. We just gonna
walk out and leave. It's not worth it.

Speaker 2 (43:00):
That's literally you're saying devout going into the situation already.

Speaker 5 (43:03):
Yes, it's almost like you're walking into you're in an airport,
or you in a in a restaurant, you're looking at
all exits. You just when you go there, you're already
pre planned what's gonna happen. By the time you sat
down in order, you ready know what you're gonna do.

Speaker 1 (43:18):
What did I tell you said the New York thinger?

Speaker 2 (43:19):
Is that just like a thing? Because you taught me
the same thing to and I go to restaurants not
to sit with my back to the door. If I'm
not with him, you know know what the edit is.

Speaker 1 (43:27):
And that was that was part of my decision. Dude
started getting loud with Sakari. First thing I did was
stand up. Was like, Okay, I'm gonna have to handle
this dude. But then I see everybody that looks similar
to what he got on. You can tell people's groups.
There's like seven to eight dudes coming across that wall.
So I'm like, they're coming to They're coming because they
see he's getting loud. Then I'm like, there's one exit.
The exit is all the way over there. It's just me.

(43:50):
I got six women I got Tristan, who's inebriated, but
he's smaller. You know what I'm saying, Robert smaller than Tristan.

Speaker 3 (43:57):
I can't.

Speaker 1 (43:58):
So my whole thing at that time was to show
him that I'm not afraid, but let him know, like
this is dumb. So I reached so I was like, Yo,
my man's you know what I'm saying, it's my sister
that like, what the fuck? I was like, dude. Then
this homeboy came up and someboy was down on the
platform and was like, yo, if my man got a problem,
we got a problem. And I was like, yo, step

(44:18):
up here. I put my hand out. He looked at me,
grabbed my hand, and then I yanked him up. When
I yanked him up, I was trying to show him
how strong I am, to let him know like, Okay,
y'all may try something, but whoever's up here first gonna
get dealt with. When I pulled him up there like that,
and he pulled up, he got close to me. I said,
look behind me, there's seven women back here. Do you
think I came here to fight with y'all? Like, think

(44:41):
about it, this is all of this women back here.
I'm here with my wife. I'm like, look at all
these women out here. He looked at them, he looked
at his man, he looked at me. He was like,
you know what, man, you right, Because in that moment
I approached him with respect. I didn't try to be
little him, but I also let him know like this
is dumb, and to me, that was the most masculine
thing I could do. The other only option was he

(45:02):
was one of the biggest ones. Is hit him first
and hope that when I hit him first that he
goes to sleep and then I can handle something else.
But that's a lot to think about, you know what
I'm saying. So it's just like, don't crash out. Be smart?

Speaker 5 (45:14):
Is crashing out? Is there any point where crashing out
as a necessity, not for you, but for them? If
you think about for their perspective, he wants to crash
out over anything. Is there a situation where you would
just crash out for anything?

Speaker 1 (45:28):
For me?

Speaker 3 (45:29):
Like?

Speaker 4 (45:29):
Is it survival for them?

Speaker 1 (45:30):
No?

Speaker 5 (45:31):
I think this is yeah. I mean in any situation,
Like I think, ready to crash out at all costs.

Speaker 1 (45:36):
I think that's the toxic part of masculinity, especially coming
from where we come from. Is that I'm going into this.
How many times we talked to our people going to party,
anybody look at me wrong, I'm snuffing us. That's toxic you.
All you want to do is show people that you're
more masculine, not realizing that that makes you look so small.
But that's what they're taught. That's what we were taught.
That's growing up in Brooklyn. You know what I'm saying.

(45:58):
You walking around, you got your older cousins, a older brother.
Anybody look at you, want your snuff. It's like you
start thinking that that's the way to be until you
get older and you're like, wait a minute, he did that.
He's in jail, he killed somebody, he's dead. It's like,
wait a minute, that doesn't make any sense. And then
you start to realize that crashing out has no positive response,

(46:19):
Like there's nothing good comes from crashing out. All that
being said, if I see somebody disrespect my wife or
hurt my wife or sexually assault my wife, it's going
to be hard for me to think about all of that.
So when I told that story about being in New York,
if I would have saw her face and she looked scared,
and that dude smoked, smirked at her with that devilish smirk.
There wouldn't have been nothing left for me to think

(46:40):
about it your point. It would have just been he's
going to have to feel the same thing my wife feels.
I'm about to embarrass him and that and that doesn't
make me right. I'm not asking for people to say
devou right, that's just what I think.

Speaker 4 (46:53):
Yeah, I get you.

Speaker 1 (46:54):
The same thing with my kids.

Speaker 5 (46:55):
I feel the same way when I look at like
court cases and you know, like the defendant is the
one who, like, yeah, raped or little girl somebody's daughter
and they're in the crowd. I'm sorry, I'm hopping over.

Speaker 1 (47:11):
I'm taking it. I'll take it thirty days course, I'll
take it.

Speaker 2 (47:15):
Yes, So it's crashing out, always responding in violence.

Speaker 1 (47:18):
I was gonna.

Speaker 2 (47:20):
Can't crash out, just be like I just curse somebody
out or you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 5 (47:25):
From a definition standpoint, crashing out is violence.

Speaker 1 (47:29):
That's silence because think about it, what issh his impact
crashes boom.

Speaker 6 (47:35):
But that can be also verbally though, you can have
impact verbally.

Speaker 2 (47:38):
Oh yeah, I'm the queen.

Speaker 1 (47:41):
I wouldn't call the argument. I personally wouldn't call it
a crash out, but I have seen online were like
remember the balloon game, And the chick responded and was
just like, I don't like him because he's a little short.
She's like, that's the problem with y'all, And it was
like crashing out.

Speaker 3 (47:56):
He was a crash out. Specifically, he was arguing with
every girl, yeah, and he didn't get it. They kept
being like, I don't like how you talked to women.
He'd be like, why are you worried about I'll talk
to the next woman. You a follower while he was
crashing out.

Speaker 1 (48:10):
If that's the case, Matt is right crash out because
domestic violence is not always physical. You can verbally abuse someone,
So if you choose to verbally abuse someone, that is
a crash out.

Speaker 2 (48:21):
To me, I felt like, initially when I learned the
crash out terminology, this is from my son, Jackson. He
tries to keep me young. So he initially told me
about crash out because he was at sky Zone for
a friend's birthday party and somebody's kids jumped on another kid,
you know, accidentally, but theer, the kid's mom, who was
not within the group of the birthday party, was getting
in Jackson's friend's face. So Jackson's friend's mom, who was

(48:44):
not that wasn't her son, but she was there as
one of the parents. She jumped in and started cursing
the lady out. So it was this back and forth
between the two and Jackson was like, oh my god, yo,
such as such moms crashed out, and I was like,
what does that mean.

Speaker 3 (48:57):
To me?

Speaker 2 (48:57):
It's kind of synonymous in that moment, like when she's
spashed at you, crash out. Son just fads out, crash
out verbally, queen physically, not the.

Speaker 4 (49:06):
University act of going to zero and sixty, and.

Speaker 3 (49:09):
Like just like yeah, yeah, yeah. The way that I
would characterize it, uh, something that has helped me over
the years with my issues with anger is like somatic
practice and learning how to recognize dysregulation in my body
before I respond to something. And so I would say

(49:29):
that a crash out is when you are so disregulated
that you cannot control what you are doing or saying.
So sometimes, like we'll have I can have a spirited
debate an argument with somebody where I'm still where I'm
still listening, where I'm still able to respond, But if

(49:50):
I'm crashing out. I'm simply reacting. I'm not fucking listening.
I'm going the fuck off. I feel it in my body.
My body is in raged. I'm full of rage. I'm shaking,
you know what I'm saying. Some people will say like, oh,
I blacked out.

Speaker 1 (50:06):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (50:07):
Some people literally like cannot hear you when you're talking
because they're crashing out. They're disregulated in their bodies so
much so that they can't control what is happening.

Speaker 1 (50:16):
You know why that's bad. You know how crash outs
are born. They watched their parents crash out. I think
about that all the time, like I'd be like.

Speaker 2 (50:27):
Not being emotionally intelligent or aware or mature.

Speaker 1 (50:30):
And I learned from my dad, Like my dad was
not a crash out. I've seen people getting into physical altercations,
and my father was a bouncer. I think I told
you other story. He learned how to regulate other people's
emotions by and he told me this. He said, d
vow when I was bouncing at the club. He used
to bounce at Tunnel and another big club in the
nineties when it was like a lot of hip hop
people there. He was like, there's only five bounces the

(50:52):
club holds four hundred people. If a big fight breaks
out with all of these dudes, I need to know
that these people will listen. He talked about every time
he came and had people come in the club, they'd
be like, yo, listen, it's only five of us. Let's
make sure that we got each other's back. Da da
da da when a fight happened. He never ran in
there throwing punches. He ran in there to be like yo.

(51:14):
And I think that's what I learned how to do it,
and that's where our kids are learning it. So if
you're a person that crashes out and have kids, what
do you think your kids are watching and learning when
they watch you constantly crash out.

Speaker 4 (51:25):
Every time there's a conflict, every time flip the handle.

Speaker 6 (51:28):
My reaction should be yeah, because that's what I saw,
my folks.

Speaker 3 (51:32):
And not only that, like emotional dysregulation comes from your
fight or flight, like hormones not being controlled for you
to always feel like you're in danger when something happens
and you either want to fight or fight, and if
you're in a household where you don't feel safe because

(51:52):
your parent is always crashing out, not even just that
you're seeing them do it, but you might be hearing
it or any little thing they're snapping at you. Now
you are disregulated. Now you're a alert nervous system. Right,
your alarm system is going off with any little thing
that happens. And now you are a disregulated adult.

Speaker 2 (52:09):
That's why conversation is so important.

Speaker 1 (52:11):
You see how all of this is like, and you
like you're thinking about things and people.

Speaker 2 (52:14):
Yeah, no, I was gonna say that. This is why conversation, though,
is so important because your father, for example, is a bouncer.
Knowing how his dad is, I can see him. If
somebody is irate, you know, and feeling like they've been
wronged in whatever situation it was in the club, for example,
just bringing them close and talking to them and trying
to empathize with their point of view. A lot of
times people just want you to understand their perspective and

(52:36):
where they're coming from, what made them upset. So for me,
I think, to Tripple's point, having someone that can then
if you're in that fight or flight mode, kind of
bring you back down and regulate it by empathizing with
how you feel, even if you're wrong. Yeah, it's just
having somebody to communicate with you on that level into
personally that I think that it can then start to
potentially de escalate something from being a crash out moment.

Speaker 3 (52:58):
Yeah, it's a renew your sense of safety to help
your alarm bells turn off to be like you're you're safe.
Nothing is happening to you, right, has to happen, nothing
has to happen. Right, Yeah, I hear you.

Speaker 2 (53:10):
You're wrong as hell.

Speaker 3 (53:13):
You need to be, but we don't want it to
get there.

Speaker 1 (53:16):
I listening to Tripple whe We're gonna have to take
a break someone, But listening to Triple really like set
off an alarm in my brain. And I'm thinking about
all the people I grew up with and now thinking about.

Speaker 2 (53:25):
Their parents, right, and how they respond.

Speaker 1 (53:28):
When she talked about fight or flight, I can think
about five friends who have crash out moms right, who
their kids either be ready to fight or run from everything.
And it's funny when I mean run from everything. The
minute somebody's voice get raised, they gon't, or it's the
minute somebody's voice get raised like why did you punch
some and so man like, I'm thinking about all of

(53:49):
these things, and it makes the most sense when you
have a crash our parents.

Speaker 2 (53:51):
I know a mother child duo that came to mind
where it's just like, yo, you could fuck with them
if you want to. They're gonna be cool as a
que coming through it all I know. But them two,
if anything shit goes awry, say the word. It's either
gonna go all the way sky high or they can
keep it down low.

Speaker 1 (54:08):
But she's very controlled in her emotion.

Speaker 2 (54:10):
Control, and that's why he is. However, if shit needs
to get done and dealt with, it's gonna get done
and dealt with on a very low, even Q level.
So all right, y'all, let's go pay some bills before
the bill collectors crash out on us, and we'll be
back with listening letters. Stick around, all right. We're back

(54:42):
back with listener letters, and we have one for today.
Oh it's a bit lengthy one, so let's go in
and dive right in. All right. I'm approaching the second
half of my thirties and I recently moved out of
my childhood home into a two bedroom apartment with my
teenage son. It's my first apartment after having lived with
my six plus siblings and parents my entire life. When

(55:04):
I moved, my dad who was retired and divorced from
my mom, was staying with other family, doesn't have a
place of his own, volunteer to move in with me
for two weeks to help me get settled in, and
also for what he felt was assuring my safety as
a single woman in a new neighborhood. I welcome. This
offer makes sense, I.

Speaker 1 (55:22):
Knew, yep.

Speaker 2 (55:25):
The problem is it's been six months now and he
hasn't left. He's taking over my living room to a
point where I can't even utilize it because it feels
like I'm invading his space. I haven't had people over,
neither has my son, and I'm feeling very restricted in
a place that was supposed to be just for me
and my kid. I'm nervous to ask him to go
back to where he was staying or with other of

(55:46):
another of my siblings, because I don't want to hurt
his feelings. We have a great relationship, but I don't
want to risk it going bad by becoming the daughter
who put him out quote unquote. However, I need my
space and independence. Resentment is starting to grow, and I
don't want to be miserable in my own home. There's
also the fact that we are from the Caribbean West
Indian massive and it's very common for parents and elders

(56:09):
in our cultures to feel entitled to their children's success
and any really is that in any capacity because of
this sacrifice. Yo, speak to me, speaking to me, siss
I understand, Let's go back. It's very common for parents
and elders in our culture to feel entitled to their

(56:30):
children's success in any capacity because of the sacrifices they
made coming to this country and building a life for
us to suited.

Speaker 1 (56:39):
I'm gonna let you. I'm gonna close my laptop and
I'm gonna let you.

Speaker 2 (56:48):
However, I haven't reached that plateau of success where I
can invite others to partake. Yet, if I had a
house where he could actually have his own room or wing,
sure he'd be welcome. Until he's not, says, because I'm
about to reach my max. Honey, did you just you?

Speaker 7 (57:09):
My god, it's all over his you Okay, I'm sorry
this conversation category ofsion.

Speaker 2 (57:21):
This has been our lives. Honey, what you going to
tell her?

Speaker 1 (57:25):
Because I don't even know girl?

Speaker 2 (57:28):
Moving with us, I don't know what to tell you.

Speaker 1 (57:31):
With us, moving with us? Whatever you do.

Speaker 2 (57:35):
I'm about to say, we couple old.

Speaker 3 (57:36):
Appearance in one house? How about that?

Speaker 2 (57:37):
And they have each other?

Speaker 3 (57:39):
Okay?

Speaker 1 (57:39):
Good? So you wrote this, be honest, you wrote this,
I might have wrote.

Speaker 2 (57:45):
You got me. That actually would be funny if you
wrote it, if we wrote in anonymously. All right. So
if I had a house where he could actually have
his own rumor wing, sure he'd be welcome. But my
first apartment and he's just in my living room. My
son and I can't have friends over because my couch
is double timing as his bed. I can't even think
about inviting a potential husband in because how does that

(58:08):
look ough. He earns more than enough money from his
retirement and social Security to get a place of his own,
But what I've gathered when I ask him about that
route in a nutshell. He just doesn't want to spend
the money. We live in New York City. I would
love your thoughts on how to approach speaking to a
close family member about exercising those options and getting out

(58:30):
of your house. It's hard because that's my girl. Todd
asked me.

Speaker 6 (58:35):
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (58:36):
I don't know how to tell you because I'm in
the same situation. It's hard because that's my father and
he worked outdoors his whole life in every kind of
weather to support our family, mom as a housewife. So
when I think about his sacrifices, I feel terrible. Anyway,
please help girl, first of all, because start a support group,

(58:57):
because that's exactly what Daval and I have. And I
just at this point, you guys know, my parents' mom
particularly moved with us from Brooklyn to California. When we
were living in California for a year and a half
COVID hit. The plan was initially for her to move
for about six months, take some time off of work, decompress,
help us with the transitions to California. But then, of

(59:19):
course nobody expected for COVID to hit, and then COVID
kind of just put everybody into rut, as you all know.
And we moved from California to Georgia and it has
become and how both parents are here. Both parents are
here because of course dad's retired, wanted to come be
with us and the children, so as much as we
love and enjoy them being here with the kids. Because
of course, y'all know, Deval and I have crazy schedules.

Speaker 3 (59:40):
I have reached the.

Speaker 2 (59:41):
Point where I can use my own space, and it's
been particularly difficult because I know that we have created
a very comfortable environment for my parents to exist here
with us, because essentially they don't have to worry about anything.
And anytime my mom and I or my mom and
my siblings and I or devall my mom have the conversation,

(01:00:02):
you know about potentially them getting their own place, you know,
she'll talk about all.

Speaker 1 (01:00:07):
Of the sacrifice literally the same word.

Speaker 2 (01:00:10):
Guy, Like, I think it's a thing within the Caribbean
community that I don't know. Josh and Matt if you've
heard about the sacrifice that they've made for us. And
we had even done an episode on the podcast a
little while back where I said how the word sacrifice
is so triggering to me and how I would never
use that with my boys, like, you know, using that

(01:00:31):
almost as a guilt trip, like I have sacrificed so much.

Speaker 4 (01:00:35):
No, no, no, listen, my mom watches this. Mommy, I.

Speaker 1 (01:00:41):
Don't have to hie.

Speaker 5 (01:00:42):
My mom has never a guilt tripped me by anything.
If anything is the other way around. She's she feels
bad that she doesn't have enough to give me.

Speaker 4 (01:00:49):
So I love that, so don't put me in it, Mommy.

Speaker 3 (01:00:52):
I love you. I love you.

Speaker 4 (01:00:54):
You would never Okay, thank you.

Speaker 6 (01:00:56):
I found out my mom watches this too, but also.

Speaker 2 (01:00:59):
Sacrifice supporting.

Speaker 3 (01:01:05):
Stories over there.

Speaker 6 (01:01:08):
I appreciate exactly.

Speaker 2 (01:01:12):
It's the idea of the sacrifice, and my mindset when
it comes to the sacrifice portion of it is like
whatever I do, or di and I do collectively for
our children, I don't see it as a sacrificing to
give it to them. This is the life that we
want to live, and this is the work that we
want to do for ourselves where our children will reap
the benefits, of course, but I would never think that

(01:01:32):
my children are responsible for the sacrifice. Me as a parent,
me as a woman, me as a person. This is
the kind of life that I want to provide for
my family. That's why Dival and I work so hard,
and that's why I could just stay home and chill,
but no, I want to be able to contribute but
also be an active mom and active wife at home.
So I laugh about the sacrifice portion of it because

(01:01:53):
that's what my mom says, and that's not taking away
from what her story is. Right coming up here at
seventeen by herself.

Speaker 4 (01:02:01):
She gives it.

Speaker 2 (01:02:02):
She sacrificed those he did.

Speaker 1 (01:02:04):
I think that's why the Caribbean massive is always like
a sacrifice. I left my is from here for a
better life than all of us at all.

Speaker 2 (01:02:15):
It's a huge thing. It's a huge sacrifice as well. Yeah,
so I would never take away from that. I actually
applaud and have empathy for my mom. I even in
a Mother's Day post that we just posted I just
posted in May, I told her that she needs to
be proud of that seventeen year old girl that came
up here by herself for a new country, trying to
figure out things on her own. Like I don't want
nobody to drop me at forty one in no country

(01:02:37):
to figure shit out on my own, you know what
I'm saying. So I completely get that and I empathize
with that. But Dad is overdoing it. He is overdoing it,
and he is overstaying his welcome, and he probably was
looking for out from Mom and the other six plus
siblings that y'all got there too, you know. So I
think like a nice encouraging conversation where of course, with
our parents, you have to make sure that you build

(01:02:58):
them up and you talk about appreciating the sacrifices, and
you talk about that, but then you talk about what's
healthy for what you need in your.

Speaker 4 (01:03:05):
Please do not listen, young lady.

Speaker 5 (01:03:08):
Do not let your dad come live with you, all right,
because once you get them in, they can't come out.

Speaker 2 (01:03:13):
Too late, too late.

Speaker 3 (01:03:14):
He's on the couch, he said, and he's been there
for six months.

Speaker 1 (01:03:23):
Oh damn.

Speaker 6 (01:03:25):
Yea.

Speaker 2 (01:03:27):
And now the conversation in my house with deval and
I and my mom and dad are like, hey, guys, okay,
so you've sold, you know, your investment property in New York.
We have this money sitting aside for you, guys. Let's
start house hunting. My mom will text me all the memes,
she will d m me all the reels, and she
will all the things, and she will not reply to
anything house related when typically looking for houses is like

(01:03:47):
a thing like on a random day, I might look
on Zilla, like what they got on the market, knowing
good and one. I ain't buying ship. But that's just
something that she was out there, and she has not
responded to anything, like there's no conversation happening a house
at all. So and I know that there's several reasons,
like from a personal and more private standpoint where I
won't divulge why potentially she doesn't want to have her

(01:04:09):
own space, but it's also just awfully convenient to be
here because she don't have to worry about nothing. The
kids are here, you know.

Speaker 1 (01:04:14):
So also I will say this, and this is not
personal to your parents or your parents or your parents,
this is just life when you get to that age,
sometimes they just don't want to be around each other.
And now I have somewhere else to go. And I'll
use my own family as an example. I look at
my Papa John and my nanny. They sleep together at
night in the same room, but all day my nanny
will be in one room. My Papa John will be

(01:04:35):
in his room, or he'll be in the garden. And
it works for them. They have their space. John, you're hungry,
John can yeah, b They come in, they eat, They
have a great relationship. But they just don't want to
be around each other all the time.

Speaker 3 (01:04:46):
That's true.

Speaker 2 (01:04:46):
Even your dad comes down to help with the boys
and he'll come chill, but he'd be facetiming your mom
and he'd be like, hey, miss you.

Speaker 6 (01:04:51):
But they like the space.

Speaker 2 (01:04:52):
They like the space sometimes, you know what I'm saying.
I go away on vacation with my girls a couple
two three days, Deval be missing me. I'd be sending
him little selfies and whatnot and come back home. So
I get the space component wanting that, But I do
I do You need a space, girl, You need your space.
Your son, who's a grown boy, needs his size. You know,
like you said, you want to have people over and
entertain them. And Dad has to fall up his pillow

(01:05:14):
and blanket because that's as bad as well.

Speaker 4 (01:05:16):
She got a guilt trip him the opposite.

Speaker 3 (01:05:20):
This is the perfect time.

Speaker 2 (01:05:23):
I'm not.

Speaker 7 (01:05:26):
Crash.

Speaker 4 (01:05:30):
She needs a real help though. How would you get
her at this house?

Speaker 3 (01:05:33):
Now?

Speaker 1 (01:05:33):
Seriously, seriously, this is what works for me, because I've
even spoken to Kadeen's parents and my parents. You have to,
like Kadeen said, acknowledge the fact that they have sacrificed,
and also acknowledge the fact that Dad, because you've been
here for six months, I do feel safe. I know
my environment, people know that you're here, so I feel safe.
But Dad, at the same time, I'm a grown girl
and I have a son, and we need our space.

(01:05:54):
That we can flourish. I guarantee you. Because her father
does care so much, you'll understand, You'll unders He also
may be waiting for her to say I'm good. What
if what if he's there, like, I can't leave because
she hasn't.

Speaker 2 (01:06:06):
Told me she's enjoying having me here.

Speaker 1 (01:06:08):
Maybe he doesn't know.

Speaker 3 (01:06:09):
Maybe she said in the letter that every time she
brings it up, he sacrifice. She's not trying to hear it,
so it crash out. It's time.

Speaker 1 (01:06:21):
I wouldn't crash out on my dad, but I would
tell him like you got to Friday.

Speaker 3 (01:06:29):
You know why, because as many sacrifices as your parents
have made, they've made just as many mistakes. So you
you get one. You get one good crash out, you
get one good motherfucking crash out, And I think this
is your one. I think it's time to use your
free crash out on dad.

Speaker 4 (01:06:46):
You can't crash your parents agree with everything you said.

Speaker 3 (01:06:49):
I'm never gonna crash out on my parents, but you
got to crash out within your limit.

Speaker 6 (01:06:54):
Reasons.

Speaker 2 (01:06:55):
But then reason, and maybe you're the favorite daughter. Maybe
he just likes being with you because I feel like
I'm my father's favorite.

Speaker 1 (01:07:01):
Well you are not your father's favorite. You better stop
lying to yourself right now. You are your mother's favorite.
You are your mother's favorite. Tristan, is your mother, you Grandma,
Brian's face, somebody, somebody who love.

Speaker 2 (01:07:19):
You, somebody, It's true most for these two write you
know what I'm saying. But it's also one hand watches
the other situation like I love that they're here to
be with my boys and be there full time. But sis,
and when you when you kick him out, be like yo, dad,
if you want to pop in every now and again

(01:07:40):
see us, But you gotta go back home, sir, You
gotta go back home.

Speaker 3 (01:07:46):
My mom asked me she should move with me every
couple of months. Don't you want me to move that?
And I crashed out on her right there.

Speaker 1 (01:07:55):
Don't want to triple toxic? Man.

Speaker 4 (01:07:58):
Yes, you get some people, ash man, they take a mile.
I hate.

Speaker 1 (01:08:06):
Here for six years. Huh. Well if you well, if
you want to.

Speaker 2 (01:08:11):
Hear more of that podcast, but now that we know
that Daisy and ed is Edna. Yeah, Daisy and Edna listen,
I don't know if mom be watching, but my girl,
you're ready to know what the conversations. Man, answer me
one text about the Zillow's okay because some houses are
probably not under contract, and then we got to look
at more houses.

Speaker 1 (01:08:28):
Scrifice, don't care. I love you, Oh my.

Speaker 2 (01:08:33):
God, we love you girl, but he got to go.
If you'd like to be featured as one of our
listener letters, be sure to email us at the Ellis
Advice at gmail dot com.

Speaker 1 (01:08:42):
That's t h E E L L I S A
d V I C E at gmail dot com.

Speaker 2 (01:08:49):
All right, moment of truth time. We're talking about crash out,
When to when not to? Should we what are the rippercussions?
Let's start with Uh, we're gonna start with it, Matt.
Any moment of truth when it comes to.

Speaker 6 (01:08:59):
Crashing out, I think big before you, before you crash out,
it might not be worth it at all.

Speaker 5 (01:09:07):
Yes, same, same long along, the same lives thinking I
was thinking about from all right, listen.

Speaker 1 (01:09:17):
Think about you act. Don't cut any of this.

Speaker 3 (01:09:23):
It's right now.

Speaker 4 (01:09:26):
She don't cut it, said his brain.

Speaker 5 (01:09:29):
All right, listen, don't crash out. All right, don't crash out.
I've crashed out before. I'm so happy we didn't get
to it today because I don't really want to talk
about it.

Speaker 4 (01:09:39):
My mom watches this, but I've crashed out before and
it ain't worth it.

Speaker 1 (01:09:42):
Man.

Speaker 4 (01:09:42):
You can end up in jail, you getting up dead.
There's so many repercussions.

Speaker 5 (01:09:48):
I was it repercussions that you did not expect before
before crashing out.

Speaker 4 (01:09:51):
So please, it's like, just do what Matt said. I'm
not even gonna try to repeat it.

Speaker 3 (01:09:57):
Tips what you got him saying. That made me remember
I did get arrested for crashing out once. I've changed, honestly,
and that is why this is my literue. Get familiar
with the way your body feels, so that you know
when a crash out is upon you. When you're about
to crash out, you know, you get hot, you start shaking, Yeah,

(01:10:20):
you get fancy. Get to know how your body feels
and learn how to regulate.

Speaker 6 (01:10:26):
Yeah, that's why I shut it down. Why you're not
saying that.

Speaker 5 (01:10:33):
Well, And don't put yourself in situations where you can't
crash out. I understand it's always like you can't always
like control that, but there are some times that you
just don't put yourself in a situation where you can
crash out, Like if you.

Speaker 4 (01:10:46):
Don't drive in New York City, if you're driving man,
don't don't do it.

Speaker 1 (01:10:50):
Yeah, I agree, but mine is short.

Speaker 2 (01:10:53):
Man.

Speaker 1 (01:10:54):
Crashing out is toxic the most. I think the most
relevant form of toxic masking is when you watch a
man crash out seriously. And I gotta say that because
me and Troup will always be arguing about masculine and feminine.
I don't think toxic masculinity is a thing, but when
I think about crashing out, that's definitely toxic as fuck.

(01:11:16):
And there's nothing good That immediate gratification you get from
hitting somebody or cursing somebody out of feeling like you
want is instantly going to be gone the minute the
act is over, and you got to deal with the consequences.
So don't crash out, yo, don't And shout out to
all the women who protect their men from crashing out
by deciding not to tell them what the fuck is

(01:11:38):
going on, because I know a couple of I know
a couple that's saved some lives by doing that, And
also to the women who use the fact that your
man crashes out as a weapon against other men's corny man,
please refrain from doing that because you don't want to
lose your loved ones, So to something that you thought
wasn't gonna be that big of a time.

Speaker 2 (01:11:55):
Absolutely, this might be me at my big age having
this revelation too. But it's like just when you say
your prayers in the morning and you thank God for
another day, pray for the discernment to know whether or
not something is worthy of. Yeah, a crash out, like
we gotta have, you have to, like at some point.
I don't know if it's at some age because we
see big people fighting on the internet all the time
and it's just like why, you know, but just just

(01:12:17):
pray for the discernment to know when you should just
walk away from situations that can become an escalated situation
and no one You can maybe solve that with just
having a candid conversation with the person in that moment,
and I think that'll come from regulating your body and
understanding what's happening before the crash out comes. All right, y'all,
be sure to find us on Patreon if you have

(01:12:38):
not yet, be sure to subscribe. You get all of
this amazing after show footage as well as any behind
the scenes Ellis Family content, and you can find us
on social media at Ellis ever After. I'm at Kadeen,
I am and I.

Speaker 1 (01:12:52):
Am Deval and Matt. Can you tell us where to
find you?

Speaker 6 (01:12:55):
I'm Underscore Matt dot Ellis and.

Speaker 4 (01:12:58):
You can double click on my flex at Joshua Underscore Dwayne.

Speaker 3 (01:13:01):
And I'm at Trams The Cool Cribbz, The Cool on Everything.

Speaker 1 (01:13:06):
And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate,
review and subscribe. Everybody on three one two three.

Speaker 3 (01:13:18):
Got Ellis ever After is an iHeartMedia podcast. It's hosted
by Kadeen and Deval Ellis. It's produced by Triple Video,
Production by Joshua Dwyane and Matthew Ellis, video editing by
Lashan Rowe.

Speaker 1 (01:15:04):
Tuk Tuk

Speaker 7 (01:15:15):
Tuk

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