He Got Mommy Issues

When we hear men talk about their perception of women, could they really be talking through the wounds they have in the relationship with their mother? In this episode, the Ellises talk about the psychological effects of mommy issues. Dead Ass.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Gentlemen, we all got mommy issues in some form of fashion.

Speaker 2 (00:07):
That ass well. Being a mom of four boys, I'm
hyper sensitive about trying to avoid raising who will be
young men or men with mommy issues. Hey, I'm Kadeen
and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.

Speaker 3 (00:29):
You may know us from posting funny videos with our.

Speaker 2 (00:31):
Boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.

Speaker 3 (00:36):
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

Speaker 2 (00:39):
And one more important thing to mention, we're married.

Speaker 3 (00:41):
Yes, sir, we are.

Speaker 1 (00:43):
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Li's most taboo topics.

Speaker 2 (00:47):
Things most folks don't want to talk about.

Speaker 3 (00:50):
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
is a term that we say every day.

Speaker 1 (00:54):
So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts
one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
the truth.

Speaker 3 (01:01):
We about to take Billows off to our whole new level.

Speaker 2 (01:06):
Dead ass starts right now.

Speaker 1 (01:11):
Story time, So I'm gonna take you guys back to
twenty eighteen. This is when we had the three boys.
Kyra and Kas were two under two, and Kay and
I were just all over the place. This is when
we were at the peak of beginning to be quote
unquote influencers. You know, we were speaking at so many

(01:33):
different events, we were filming, we were traveling like twice
a month, and we needed a lot of help. And
my dad called us said he I just want to
talk to you guys about something. And anytime my father
calls me to tell me he wants to talk to
me about something, I know he's speaking on someone's behalf
because he's never that upfront about speaking to me about
what his issues are.

Speaker 3 (01:51):
So I was like, what's up.

Speaker 1 (01:52):
He was just like, well, your mom kind of feels
a way because you know, number one, when y'all say
y'all coming to our house, you don't say scooping Nana's house.

Speaker 3 (02:03):
You say scoops house. So I was like, okay, you
know it's fair. I get it. It's both your house,
I get it. What else? She also feels a way.

Speaker 1 (02:11):
That when you guys come to Canarsie, you take the
kids to Kay's parents' house as opposed to bringing them
to our house. And I immediately got defensive because I'm like, well,
they ask for the kids, and he was like, well,
your mom is trying not to be an overbearing mom

(02:31):
because you know, that's Kay's mom and she should be
here and and I immediately was just like, well, when
we had all of the kids, it was Kay's mom
and grandma who came here the most to help. And
it became a back and forth, And in that moment,
I realized like, well, the back and forth isn't really
between me and my pops. It's between me and my
fault my mom. So I should go speak to my
mom about it. So I ended up speaking to my mom.

(02:53):
During that conversation, I learned a lot about my mom,
but more importantly, I learned a lot about myself and
opening up to her to tell her how the things
that she had dated in order to kind of help
us and our relationship affected me. And it was helpful
because I had never said these things out loud, So
since I had never said these things out loud, I

(03:13):
didn't realize how much it bothered me. And having that
conversation with my mom and learning why she made decisions
but also realizing how her decisions made me feel a
way made me realize that I grew up with mammy
issues all right.

Speaker 2 (03:30):
Karaoke time so we couldn't even.

Speaker 3 (03:33):
Choose between.

Speaker 1 (03:36):
Songs about Mama, because you know, you know, the first
thing is in mama, right.

Speaker 2 (03:41):
You should be Mama.

Speaker 4 (03:42):
You know I love you, And then dear Mama, lead dune,
you know I love you, sweet dear Mama.

Speaker 2 (03:54):
And then of course my people, thank you Mama for
the nine months you're carrying me all the pain and suffer.
And then lastly, always the mom.

Speaker 3 (04:07):
Mom, she's my favorite girl.

Speaker 1 (04:11):
Hey, hey, hey, all right, so we're gonna take a
quick break after I Metley. I'm tired after the medley
of Mama songs, and we're gonna pay some bills when
we come back. We get into these mommy issues a
lot if a gentlemen don't realize that we have all.

Speaker 2 (04:26):
Right now, we'll be back, all right, So back to
story time. That was interesting, how a conversation that started
with you kind of trying to, I guess, kind of
check your mom in a sense, I was my father
brought it to me, right, But then when you had
to go speak to your mom about it, because you
said there was a kind of a back and forth
between with you and your dad, and then you were

(04:47):
probably like knowing you, of course knowing you that I
was gonna get to the source, and you probably were like, Damn,
I gotta check my mama. This is how she feels. Yes,
you know, I want to know how she feels. Right.
So it's interesting for you to then see how that
propelled you into acknowledging or even realizing that you did
have underlying issues with your mom, Which is crazy because

(05:08):
I look at your mom, and this is from the
outside looking in, and I'm sure you can probably attest
to it that she was a great mom or she
is a great mom. So nothing about your mother ever
made me feel like, dam like there's a deficit here,
or there's a boy that de Val has because of
his mom. But I think we's fare to say we all,
to an extent have some sort of issue, no matter
how present or not present. Your mom was.

Speaker 1 (05:29):
Yeah, I mean, first of all, I wanted to speak
to my mom directly because I felt like there was
a mischaracterization of what was happening between us, and it
made it seem as if we were choosing your parents
over my parents.

Speaker 3 (05:42):
Right, And I just felt like that was unfair to
you as my wife.

Speaker 1 (05:45):
I didn't want to make it seem like you were
choosing because I grew up in a family where there
was dissension between the sibling groups above us, my aunts
and uncles because people took offence to certain kids going
to certain people's houses. I felt like it was bullshit
whole life growing up, and I was like, y'all, adults,
why y'all can't talk about this and get to the
bottom of it. But everybody had their own perception of

(06:06):
what was happening, and then it was really what was happening, So.

Speaker 2 (06:09):
You knew what that affected you and your cousins, and
you're like, this is not gonna trickle down to my
kids not doing it.

Speaker 3 (06:13):
I said, I'm not doing it, and I'm not even
gonna start there.

Speaker 1 (06:16):
So I spoke to my mom and the first thing
that the first part of the conversation was hey, Ma, like,
what's up? Like school told me you felt the way,
like what's the problem. And she was just like, yeah, well,
you know, we lived six blocks away, and you know
those are my grandkids too.

Speaker 3 (06:34):
I would like to see my grandkids. And I said,
that's that's.

Speaker 1 (06:36):
Fair, right, But you also realize that people asked to
see your grandkids, you know, like Kay's mom calls and
comes by the house we lived in the apartment for
ten years. You came by maybe three times, right, you know,
like her mom is very present, and she said to me, well,
there's a reason why. And this is when I started

(06:57):
to learn about like trauma, trauma that affects you as
a child. My dad's mom was that southern mom, like,
my way of doing everything is the best way.

Speaker 3 (07:11):
You young women don't know how to do anything, so
let me.

Speaker 1 (07:15):
Come in here and just do everything. And she also
didn't mean any harm. She really felt like she was
helping out. My grandmother would come to my parents house
for two weeks for Christmas vacation the minute she got
in there because her and my grandfather used to drive
in the middle of the day, so typically they got
to my parents' house. So wherever home they were staying
in and this was the whole thing. Wherever Nana and

(07:37):
Papa were staying that year was the place that the
whole family congregated. So sometimes it was my Aunt Debbie,
sometimes it was my mom and dad, sometimes it was
my aunt Monique, and then it was the other.

Speaker 3 (07:50):
Aunt and uncle who the dissension happened.

Speaker 1 (07:52):
So my grandparents never stayed there, so it was watching
those things as a young child. That made me realize, like,
I don't ever want that to be my family. So
we're gonna nip things in the bud early. So they
were driving. They would get to our house at like
three point thirty in the afternoon. My parents are still
not back from work yet. First thing, my grandmother would

(08:13):
come in house.

Speaker 3 (08:15):
Y'all ain't put in the tree up yet. Why y'all
got this like this? Why these couches over there? Let
me go do this? And then she would move.

Speaker 1 (08:21):
She would move stuff out the pantry, put pots in
different places, move furniture, and.

Speaker 2 (08:26):
Essentially rearrange your mother into this entire house and.

Speaker 1 (08:29):
Say it in a way that's condescending, as if like
my mom doesn't know what she's doing, but it's just
a different type of life, Like my mom does things
her way right.

Speaker 3 (08:37):
And my mother would come home and I remember.

Speaker 1 (08:39):
My mother walking in the house and to everything, and
she was like, it's two weeks, Karen, it's two weeks.
It's just two weeks, right. She wouldn't complain, she wouldn't
say nothing, but she would be annoyed. And at the time,
as a child, I didn't see how annoying that was
to my mom. So my mom said, when she became
a mother in love, like you like to say, she
wouldn't do the same things to you that was done

(09:00):
to her. So in a sense, she thought she was
helping by not being overbearing and saying, hey, I'm here
when you need me, but I'm not going to just overstep.
So I said, that's fair. I took it a different way.
I said, it bothered me a lot. That's the women
in K's life were here and for a lot of things,

(09:20):
and my mom wasn't right.

Speaker 2 (09:22):
And it's funny how she didn't even vocalize that really
if you had to sit her down to get this
out of her, because it wasn't even like she was like, hey, y'all,
I'm here if you need me. She was just like
completely detached to certain points. And you were like, what's
going on? Like why is my mom like not present?
And I asked you about it too, because I'm used
to my side of family just like they usually anticipate
like what you may need. So my mom is like, well,

(09:43):
I know Deval is gonna be working. K has this
going on. They may need help with it, you know,
so let me offer you know. So it's funny that
she didn't feel comfortable just opening up and saying, hey,
I'm here if y'all need me.

Speaker 1 (09:53):
You know, well, my mom did say I'm here if
you need me. And that's some things you don't have
to say. My mom to say, hey, you know, I'm
here if you need me.

Speaker 3 (10:02):
Cool. I get that.

Speaker 1 (10:03):
But when your mom says, hey, bring the boys by,
or she comes by to watch the boys, I don't
need you, ma, because someone here al says already volunteered
and taking the steps, so I don't have to call
or even another thing. When I bring the kids to
my parents' house and my mom comes home from work

(10:24):
and she does like my mom is doing since I
was a child, and she's annoyed by everything you do
as a child because she just came in from work.
The kids don't want to be around that. The kids
want to be able to jump around and laugh and
do itself. They don't want to seem like they're bothering people.
So the kids would ask, you know, can we go
my uncle Brian's house? You know, can we go to
Mimi and Papa's house, because they can just do whatever

(10:46):
they want to do as kids would want to do.
So I started to explain to my mom what it's
like being in the house with her, even when we
bring the kids by. And then we started speaking about
my upbringing and how I felt in the house as
a child, and the stresses I felt, and the way
I felt as the oldest, how I felt like a
lot of things were just dumped on me as the oldest.

Speaker 2 (11:07):
And so, what were some of the things that you
felt like your mom did or didn't do to make
you feel like this is the root of my mommy issues.

Speaker 1 (11:14):
Well, the biggest thing, the root of my mommy issues
was my mom was never really really affectionate.

Speaker 3 (11:21):
My mom is a thug.

Speaker 1 (11:24):
Like Karen Ellis is the sweetest, the sweetest person in
the world. Like my mother would really do anything for you,
give you the shirt off her back. She would anything
you ask my mom is doing. But growing up as
a child, you really don't like you don't go to
ask your mom for stuff.

Speaker 3 (11:41):
You just expect your mom to just do things. I'm
a child.

Speaker 2 (11:44):
I saw something recently, it might have been a meme
or something I was looking at online, and it said
that boys specifically go to their father and they get
their oxytocin from their dads. By like rough housing, playing
running joke like that's how the oxytocin is released for
boys when they interact with their dads. But with the moms,

(12:06):
the oxytocin release happens through intimate moments snuggling, never doing that.
You know, that's where boys get their oxytocin releases from moms.

Speaker 3 (12:16):
So my mom, interesting, this is the way my mom
loved us.

Speaker 1 (12:21):
My mom every Valentine's Day she got his balloons, candy
cards right, And it got to a point where when
we got thirteen, she would give us those things and
then say to us, where's my card? And then it
no longer became about her just doing something to love us.
It was her teaching us how to be a man,

(12:44):
that is, just taking care of a woman. So everything
was like a life lesson. We went out on our dates.
But then when we went out on the dates, it
wasn't like come in, let me hug up on my son.
It was like you walk on the outside, you pull
my seat out. Everything was like in a disciplinary form.
So I never felt coddled. I never felt like affection
from my mom. Like my mom never just grabbed us
and hugged us or put us on her lap like

(13:05):
my mother never did that. Now, my mother did take
me and all my friends to the park to go
play ball, like she did take us to go play baseball,
But even when she take us to go do things,
she was the judge, jury, and executioner.

Speaker 3 (13:17):
It was this got to be done this way. It
was like everything had to be under her control.

Speaker 1 (13:21):
And it was fun for all of the other kids
because they never had a mom take them on and
do all this other stuff. It was not fun for
me because I get all the same discipline at home.
I don't want to hear this lady screaming at me.
I hear in front of my friends, like she kicked
me out the game because I'm swinging the bat right
and I swing the bat and if I get contact,

(13:42):
my hands would like pow and the bat would fly
out my hands. And she's like, stop dropping the bat,
stop throwing the bat. And I'm like, I'm not throwing
the bat, but it's like it's coming out, mind you.

Speaker 3 (13:50):
I'm ten. So I go to hit the ball.

Speaker 1 (13:53):
Boom it flies and the bat flies out and she's like, no,
don't count, don't count, that's out.

Speaker 3 (13:58):
You out. I told you stop throwing the bat Yo
like nobody.

Speaker 2 (14:02):
She became humpire and everything all at once, and.

Speaker 3 (14:05):
We were talking ten and I'm under my brethen nobody
has to be to the point.

Speaker 2 (14:10):
So it was supposed to be a fun moment with her.
Just did it turned out to be right. I remember
one time I was helping Jackson with a homework assignment.
It was a writing assignment, and I was trying to,
you know, get him to understand grammar because I'm like
such a big grammar head and stuff like that, and
it's a completely lost art form nowadays. So my old
school way of like doing grammar and things being proper.

(14:31):
I was trying to tell him how to say certain
things and like the better way to say it. And
I remember you pulled me to the side and you
were like, listen. What I used to hate was when
I had a homework assignment and my mom would race erased,
rip up, or rewrite my entire whole thing. Essay. He said,
please don't do that to jack because you keep bringing

(14:53):
it out to this day.

Speaker 1 (14:54):
You write a one page assignment the first three and
goes no, no, no, and now she she's deleted.

Speaker 3 (15:00):
I'm like, you ain't even read the rest of it.
It's not good. It's not good the way you start.

Speaker 2 (15:03):
And I'm just like, yeah, so thank you for that,
because I'm always so hyper sensitive. Like I said in
my SoundBite about making sure that my boys like it's
like tolding them line. I've never been a boy, never
going to be a boy. I don't know what it's
like to be a boy or to be raised in
that sense. So I want to make sure that I'm,
you know, doing what I need to do as a
mom to yes, be affectionate and loving, but also be

(15:25):
a disciplinarian, but also have that balance of fun so
that they don't feel like, here goes mom again. Like
I'm so fearful of my boys as they get older
seeing my name pop up on the phone and be
like here go mom again. I am going to ask
her now, I'll call her back. I would love that
my boys are just like, yo, let me call mom.

(15:46):
I want to talk to mine. So scared of that,
and so I appreciate when you jump in sometimes although
I may in the moment feel a little like attacked
or get defensive, like all I'm trying to do is
help you are doing a good job, like saying kay,
just understand how it could be perceived. As a year old,
I don't.

Speaker 1 (16:05):
I think women realized my mom, who is a woman,
would just be on me because she was just like
you know how they say mom's nag. Yeah, my mom
was a nag. And part of the reason why I
am who I am today is because of my mom.
So I can't just sit here and just dump on
her like I'm not the person I am because of her.

Speaker 2 (16:26):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (16:26):
Because academically socially, my mom took pride in making sure
that her children were who she wanted them to be.
And my mother was big on early childhood education. I'd
say all the time. My mother was the first group
of blacks that were integrated into white schools in Brooklyn.
She was a first class to go to Marine Park.

(16:47):
She was the first class to go to James Madison
High School, which I ultimately went to. She got chased
out of those schools with bats and chains every day. Like,
my mom was big on making sure that her children
were receiving the type of education on.

Speaker 3 (17:00):
Their own terms.

Speaker 1 (17:01):
My mom was also the one that was at every
PTA meeting, at every parent teacher you know, teacher conference.
She made it to every game that she could when
she could, Like my mom was very supportive. So I
don't want to make it seem like my mom was
like this deadbeat.

Speaker 3 (17:14):
Mom that just wasn't definitely not it wasn't that.

Speaker 1 (17:17):
But what I don't think people realize is like those
triggers come from somewhere.

Speaker 3 (17:22):
For me.

Speaker 1 (17:23):
No times I felt like I was never good enough,
because when your mom only tells you that you're doing
something wrong and very rarely says I'm proud of you,
like I never growing up heard the words man, I'm
so so proud of you. Really no, because it was
always this is what you were expected to do and

(17:44):
getting a ninety where's the other ten points?

Speaker 2 (17:47):
Oh god, I think that was that generation. I don't know.
I thought that was just my old West Indian Paris,
but it seems like that was just like a thing
it was that they did.

Speaker 1 (17:55):
My mom was all about if you can be perfect
at doing this, not perfect right, then you you didn't
do it good or well enough.

Speaker 2 (18:04):
But I also understood your her frustration with you now
that you tell the stories and I look back, because
you did what was required of you, especially when it
came to school, and she probably was frustrated with you
because she's like devout. You can be an A plus student,
so why not be that? And you was like it
wasn't that important, let me just get back. Was that
you pushing back against her or was that just in
general just your attitude towards schooling.

Speaker 3 (18:25):
No, I'm going to be honest.

Speaker 1 (18:26):
I always felt like any like even as a young child,
me having to sit down in this spot and just
do what everybody else is doing and prove that I
can do what everyone else doing.

Speaker 3 (18:35):
Listen, doesn't prove my intelligence.

Speaker 2 (18:38):
That's now, that's not doing what anybody else is doing
or wants them to do either.

Speaker 1 (18:43):
So and that was just you in fourth grade if man,
what was what was what was her name? A fourth
grade teacher? I couldn't stand her, Miss ms Fitzgerald, Miss
Fitzpatrick was Miss fitz something. But I remember she used
to get on my nerves because I just refused to
do exactly what everyone else was doing at the same time.

(19:06):
And I used to say to her, I'm not required
to do that in fourth career, and I got I
used to get in trouble.

Speaker 2 (19:12):
Like to get in trouble, you put probably been a
good like Montessori kid, you probably were not designed for
traditional schooling. It doesn't seem like that, you know that.
That's why they have so many different types of schooling
now kids. I don't know if they had all that absolutely,
but like you can see why how people learn differently
and how they thrive in for certain environments. The traditional
environment was never for you in any facet.

Speaker 1 (19:30):
Anytime I went on a visitor anywhere where it was
like an independent style learning or school, I enjoyed it,
Like like when I went to see the test for
poly Press.

Speaker 2 (19:38):
About to say, that's why you probably excel there.

Speaker 3 (19:40):
Yeah, because they told me I have more freedom. I could,
you know, pick my classes and do all that.

Speaker 1 (19:43):
And I was like, yo, oh my gosh, Like like
I felt like, oh my gosh, I have some freedom
and some autonomy over my time. So being young, I
also felt like in dealing with my mom, a lot
of the chores in the house fell on me because
I was the oldest and my dad he worked two
jobs at times, and he was like, I'm not did

(20:04):
the house thing. That's your thing, Karen, Like is your mom?
My father's just to say this, Karen, is your house?
He literally should say that whatever you want to do?

Speaker 3 (20:13):
Is your house. When people used to come over and
she like, Troy, I just want it, he was like, Karen,
is your house? Like, do what you want to do.
I'll support it. Just let me know what I got
to do. But it's your house.

Speaker 1 (20:21):
So and that he was hands up, like when it
came to the kids in the house. So when it
came down the chores, I'm the oldest.

Speaker 3 (20:28):
This is not a lie. Dival and Brian Divalen. Brian, Now,
I'm nine.

Speaker 1 (20:33):
We just moved into this house in KNARSI I'm nine,
my brother is seven, right, we're not that grown, right,
But the kitchen got to be clean, the front yard
got to be clean, the backyard got to be clean,
the basement got to be clean. Your room's got to
be clean, the living room got to be clean, the
dining room got to be clean. I'm nine, you know

(20:53):
what I'm saying. So it's supposed to be me and
my seven year old brother. Who do you think all
that falls on me?

Speaker 3 (20:59):
Right?

Speaker 1 (21:00):
And then my brother early on knew how to play
the game. He acted dumb so a lot of times
and stuff didn't get done. They'd like, if I help
your brother.

Speaker 2 (21:08):
Yo, admitted that he was smart. He was just like,
you keep acting like you have sense, and that's why
they're going to give you more responsibility. Brian literally said that,
and I was like, We've been thinking Brian ain't all
the way there, but he is clearly all the way there.
And then because he realized how to play the game,
how to work the system.

Speaker 1 (21:27):
So being being the oldest dealing with my mom just
trying to make sure she made the most productive human
beings that she possibly could. Also, my mom had fears
of her children not coming home. We discussed this, like
you grow up in Brooklyn. She was liked, Val, do
you know how hard it is? And she cried telling me,
is you know how hard it is having your children
be latch key kids at nine and you're at work

(21:49):
all day in Queen's and your children have to travel
from school and pick up your youngest child and come
home and you have to trust him to stay at
home and then when they get on the subway or
like the plus do you think I wanted to do that?

Speaker 3 (22:01):
Right? And I was like, she probably didn't want to.

Speaker 2 (22:05):
Definitely, because I'm sure as I wasn't doing that at all.

Speaker 1 (22:07):
She she says, she didn't. Yeah, I didn't when the way,
I just wanted to make sure you guys were okay.

Speaker 3 (22:13):
So it was like, did you do this? Did did
it get done? And I was just like, you know what, mom?

Speaker 1 (22:17):
Now at thirty at the time it was twenty eighteen.
I'm thirty four. Because I have children, I understand, right,
But no one ever explained this to me when I
was eight.

Speaker 2 (22:30):
And you wouldn't have understood it either.

Speaker 3 (22:32):
I wouldn't have.

Speaker 2 (22:32):
You wouldn't have.

Speaker 3 (22:33):
I wouldn't have.

Speaker 2 (22:33):
You wouldn't have. But that doesn't also take away from
how it affected you or impacted you now when to
look back as an adult. And it's crazy because when
you discussed like how your mom raised you, right, part
of it was probably out of that's just the best
they could do in that moment, right, Yeah, part of
it was out of fear, like she said, wanting to
make sure her children come home. Also to being like,
I want to raise independent children, boys and girls. Because

(22:55):
you had spoken previously about like her mom trying to
raise an independent woman based off of their living situation
with your grandfather at the time, So now you want
to make sure that your children are all independent. The
reverse in my house actually happened with my brother. So
he's the only boy, he's in the middle, and my
mom was super affectionate, super cuddling, coddling, and then we

(23:17):
see how that has affected him as he's grown into
a young man and now a man, and it's like
I now seeing both sides, I'm like, man, I have
to find that right balance because we're so fearful of
raising boys who are extra coddled and don't know how
to fend for themselves and aren't given those tools to

(23:38):
make sure that they can be successful as men. And
it's a really hard towing of the line that needs
to happen.

Speaker 3 (23:47):
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (23:47):
I think us as parents are so hyper sensitive and
aware of now, especially having four boys.

Speaker 1 (23:52):
And the thing is there's no black and white right
or wrong way to do things. You trying to figure
it out because you also have to exist in living
your own space as a woman.

Speaker 3 (24:01):
Right.

Speaker 1 (24:01):
Another thing, I noticed that the way my mom and
my dad interacted affected my relationships with women, and the
same way with your brother, the way your mom and
dad interacted affected him and his relationships with women. And
even watching for twelve years when I was doing prototype,
I watched the young men's behaviors who had good relationships

(24:23):
with their moms. I watched their relationships when they came
down for prom and when they went to college, and
the issues they fell into when they got to college
with women, and I saw the correlation between them and
their moms, Like I saw the young men who struggled
with self esteem because their moms always told them you
wasn't shit and you ain't gonna be shit.

Speaker 3 (24:42):
And when I speak to the moms.

Speaker 1 (24:43):
And I'm just like, why talk to him like that?
And they would just say things like, first of all,
they lacked awareness. They thought that they were being tough
on them because the fathers weren't around. So then they
were just like, you know something, I got to be
touch Yeah, I'm not raising no punk, you know, so
I got to make sure that he's tough.

Speaker 3 (25:04):
And I'm just explain to him, like I get it.

Speaker 1 (25:06):
But you can raise them to be tough by providing
them with other male role models that can teach the
type of the toughness that's not toxic or radioactive. Right,
But then I also learned not to not judge those
women because they are in this situation alone. But then
I also did realize, like, why are you in this
situation alone? Because if you spoke to that man the

(25:27):
way you speak to your son, that's probably why that
man ain't in that house. And that's when I started
to like unfold a lot of these like family dynamics,
as you know how it is when you're a mentor. Yeah,
I'm with your child a lot, but now I have
to speak to you and his father a lot, right,
And then I started telling there.

Speaker 2 (25:47):
Were a lot of families that you were like damn
like because I mean, I trust me devout. When we
had that mentorship program in Brooklyn, Devo will come home
and lose sleep so many nights, just like thinking about
a kid and like what's the circumstance is, and like, man,
how am I going to help him get out of this?
Or you know, it's late at night. I got Jackson
in the car. Jackson's like three years old. You got
to go to school, but we bringing home kids because

(26:09):
they mother got a night shift job and she can't.
You know. There was just so many things, yeah, that
we saw when it came to young men and the
relationship between their mom or lack thereof, and also boys
being forced into having to grow up too fast. I'll
never forget the story of the young man who I
think his mom was a nurse and he was at

(26:30):
the facility with his sister.

Speaker 1 (26:34):
I don't want to say his name because people know him.
I don't want to say his names. I'm so proud
of because he end up going to school, but his
mom was a nurse. And this is why I had
to learn how to temper myself because I was big
disciplinarian football god.

Speaker 2 (26:49):
And you feel like you had to be in the
absence of so many of their dads, their moms wanted that.

Speaker 1 (26:53):
Yeah, seventy five percent of the children that I mentored,
men and women, seventy five percent of them were from
single parent homes. And part of the reason why Prototype
was such a big place for that is because they
knew that they could get positive mail mentorship.

Speaker 3 (27:06):
And it wasn't just me. It was me and my
brother Brian, my boy Dolo, it was Camral, it was
Rick Like.

Speaker 1 (27:12):
It was a group of us who were all super
intelligent but caring men who also had children, so people
could see that we were nurturers.

Speaker 3 (27:21):
At the same time.

Speaker 1 (27:22):
But I also had a responsibility because at this time
I was dealing with different levels of Brooklyn. So I
had Flatbush Bedstar Knarci right, and there were some gang
issues in there, so I had to make sure that
there was a disciplinary aspect. So let those kids know,
twelve years in business, not one incident with multiple gangs

(27:45):
all coming to train at the same time, multiple teams
who hate each other, who are on Instagram and Snapchat
threatening each other. And there were incidents outside of the
gym where it was value violence, not one incident in
the gym, And I'm proud of that, but I also
knew that that came.

Speaker 3 (28:01):
From the discipline we instilled in them.

Speaker 1 (28:03):
Yeah, And the reason why I'm prefacing that by when
I tell the story is because this young man came
to me and he was in high school and he
was always late, and I'm just like, yo, what, like
you can't get right, like you have to be here
on time, And then when he would come on time,
he would like forget his book or something, and it
was always something. And I was big on being detail

(28:24):
oriented and being accountable and responsible. So when I'm screaming
at him and everyone has to run because of him,
and it got to the point where other peoples like yo,
just don't come if you're going to be late, because
we all got to run. He came every single day,
even on days when he wasn't supposed to be there.
Because we had six days a week training. Everyone was
responsible to come three days a week. He came all

(28:46):
six days. Remember that he came all six days, right.
So now I'll get to a point where I sit
down with him and I'm like, you know, you promise
me you got to be here on time.

Speaker 3 (28:54):
Da da da da da.

Speaker 1 (28:55):
He says yes. The next week he comes late twice.
I screaming him, I cursing him like a coach does.
Get out blah blah blah blah blah. And he doesn't argue.

Speaker 3 (29:03):
He just leaves.

Speaker 1 (29:04):
But then he comes back the next day and I'm like, yo,
I told you not to come back. You can't get
here on tom. I said, what's the problem. He said,
to be honest, cool saval. When I get out of school,
I have to go get my man. This is even
like thinking about it. It's like he's in high school.
He had to get his eight year old sister, who

(29:26):
went to school at Marine Park. They only had one
swipe on their bus pass to get home. He would
run from his school in East New York to Marine
Park and him and his sister would run to the gym.
I said, this whole time, your sister's here. Where's your sister?

Speaker 2 (29:47):
First of all, that's wild running from East New York
to Marie Wild.

Speaker 1 (29:51):
He used to run down flat lands, run down flat lands,
get to Ralph Avenue, get to.

Speaker 3 (29:58):
Run back to pack Plex, right because it was right okay,
And that's why he was always late. I said, why
didn't you tell me? He was like, you said, you
don't take no excuses.

Speaker 2 (30:06):
And I'm like, brother, that's an extenuating so.

Speaker 3 (30:09):
That's not even an excuse, that's your reality.

Speaker 1 (30:11):
Right.

Speaker 3 (30:12):
So then he gets there, I said, where's your sister? Right?

Speaker 2 (30:16):
Bring?

Speaker 1 (30:16):
I said, why didn't you tell me your sister was here?
He said, you told me we couldn't bring any young
ladies with us. I said, yeah, no girlfriends. I didn't
want anyone bringing up girl. You know what I'm saying,
right right, So then he brings his sister. I see
the young girl and I'm like, you used to room
for Marine Bark here and she was just like yeah,
but it wasn't bad, you know. He you know, sometimes

(30:37):
we just try not to get hit by cars and stuff.
But I'm like, oh my gosh, bro Like, I felt
so bad. You know what I'm saying. Here's where it
tripped me out. Though he would get in trouble for
staying late if he did get there on time. I
told him had to be out of the building by
eight o'clock because my biggest issue is if it gets
dark and you're traveling now late and you know something happened,

(31:00):
it would be eight thirty nine o'clock. He's still in there,
and I'm screaming at him, right, I said, why did
you stay late if you knew you had your sister here?
We have no electricity in the house. The only way
I can charge my phone and she can finish her
homework is if we stayed here and we use the electricity.

Speaker 3 (31:17):
Bruh, Can I tell you man? I felt so But
here's the crazy part.

Speaker 1 (31:23):
I met his mom, the hardest working, like sweet, most
nicest person, And the reason why he was the way
he was, especially with his sister and nouses, was because
of who is.

Speaker 2 (31:37):
My mom was because he could have easily been a
little shit and he could have came in with a
bad attitude.

Speaker 3 (31:42):
I had a bunch of little shit. I know with
single moms. I had a bunch of little shits with
both their parents.

Speaker 2 (31:48):
Right.

Speaker 1 (31:49):
And this kid, when I tell you, he graduated, got
a scholarship, went to school, got his degree.

Speaker 3 (31:54):
He's now working.

Speaker 1 (31:56):
When I tell you, every time he hits me up
on Instagram, was like, yog's d I se you do
your thing. No, I'm like, no, I see you doing
your thing. And now guess what his sister does. But
she runs, runs track, and she's in school. Now she's
gonna graduate from school. She got a degree. And then

(32:17):
the best part about it is, no, she didn't get
a track scholarship to go to like USC and no,
but she got her degree paid for and she's running track.

Speaker 3 (32:25):
And they're just good kids.

Speaker 1 (32:28):
And the product of the product of a good and
the best she can probably and yeah, yeah, And I
asked her, you know what happened to their dad? And
her dad passed away. Their dad passed away, so they
seemed like they were just a really, really good family.
And the dad passed away and she was required to
just take care of everything, and she was doing the
best that she could. She had just got her nursing degree,

(32:48):
so she was picking up a bunch of hours for everything.
But they lived right there in Bayview Projects, and I
was just like, like for me, it was just like
like it was eye opening about how important it is
to have for a young man to have their mom
because I seen when her mom, when their mom came,

(33:08):
because I called her, I said, hey, I'm gonna keep
your kids with me. I'm not going to let them
walk or get to the bus or whoever. Not Bathe
you Brookline, what's the other? I don't know, Okay, Brooklyn
because Brookline they would take the B eighty two straight home.
Said I'm not gonna take them till she came. And
the first thing she did when she came and she
saw her kids was hug her kids. And she's like

(33:32):
Coach de Vala, I thought something was wrong. I thought
they did something trouble. But it was the fact that
she came in and she hugged them. Most moms when
I called them and said there was an issue, the
first and the kid and they swinging and cussing, and
you know what I had to do and why the
coach got to call me.

Speaker 3 (33:46):
But she didn't come in and do that.

Speaker 1 (33:48):
She came in and hugged her kids first, like when
I said, hugged them, crush their face, you okay, kissed
them on the forehead and I was like like wow,
like like this is I didn't receive that type when
when they called my mom for school, it was hell.

Speaker 2 (34:03):
Because the valley did his homework that he was supposed
to do.

Speaker 1 (34:05):
My mom was not coming in there with no, no,
my son, no. My mother used to come in there
and look me right in my face.

Speaker 2 (34:11):
But one thing she was was consistent because if you
call and you had an issue with the teacher, then
she came in with.

Speaker 1 (34:16):
Guns blaaring too. You cannot play, said, my mother's a
thug with the Lucky Bucks. You can play with Karen
ellis you. I called my mom because they kicked me
out of class because me and the teacher.

Speaker 3 (34:28):
Ms Rosen, she's a Jewish lady.

Speaker 1 (34:30):
It was during Black History Months and we were still
doing an Frank in the Holocaust, and I asked a question.
I'm thirteen years old. I said, I have a question,
why are we still doing ann Frank during Black History Month?

Speaker 3 (34:41):
And she started screaming, how dare you? How dare you?

Speaker 1 (34:44):
The Holocaust was the biggest atrocity that ever happened in
man Conn And I said, well, I beg the different
slavery was pretty bad.

Speaker 3 (34:51):
As well, and she kicked me out of class. So
I called my mom. You know who showed up.

Speaker 1 (34:57):
Always called her the same day, wait till tomorrow, left
work and let that woman have it.

Speaker 3 (35:06):
And let the whole school have it, right.

Speaker 1 (35:08):
And that's why I say, like, when I talk about
I have mommy issues, it's not because I had a
bad mom. It was like my mom was a disciplinarian, right.
The lack of affection I got from my mom rears
his head with you sometime because all I want to do.

Speaker 2 (35:22):
To me and how I've been affected by it, All
I want to do is to go to bad way.
But it's just like we realize where those deficits were
and how the compensation now falls on me, and if
I fall short of that too, then it becomes a
reminder of your mom.

Speaker 3 (35:34):
Yes, which it's not healthy either. I just want to
hug you. I just want you to hug me, hug me.

Speaker 1 (35:40):
I love to make out and every time it doesn't
always have to go to sex, but I just want
my wife. I want to like last night you probably
felt me on you the whole time you woke up
this morning. I'm just rubbing on your booty and you
just like look up at me, and I'm just rubbing
on your booty and I'm half sleep.

Speaker 3 (35:57):
But I just that feeling of being nurtured.

Speaker 1 (36:00):
You know what I'm saying That I felt like I
missed out on my childhood reared its head and feeling
like I wasn't appreciated and sometimes.

Speaker 3 (36:07):
That I was only here just to do work.

Speaker 1 (36:11):
Made me feel a way like I got defensive and
growing up an adult, when I used to hear women
speak about the stuff they required from men, I used
to automatically get defensive and being like, y'all require all
of this, but I don't hear nobody saying what you're
gonna do for me as a man, because I watched
my mom also, like my mom was not super affectionate
to my pops. And knowing what I know now, the

(36:32):
way they grew up, my parents are very conservative, so
they don't they I never saw them like canoodle or
do anything. And when my father did try, my mom
was like Troy Troy, but she's like the kids were
they You know what I'm saying, but that affected me
because I'm like, like, you don't mind when my dad
is giving you gifts, you don't mind when he's taking
you places, But when he tries to be affection you

(36:52):
have a problem with that. That always stuck with me
and gave me issues, you know, like you and I
all the time when I'm just like yo, So I
can't argue today, I can't. Are you gonna tell me
no and tell me to stop in front of the kids.

Speaker 3 (37:04):
No, I'm not doing that.

Speaker 2 (37:05):
No, at this point, we don't.

Speaker 1 (37:07):
Yeah, these kids are going to see their mother love
they dad, and people see they dad love on their mom,
because they need to understand that this also happens in
a relationship, right, A relationship isn't this transactional thing where
it's like I buy you gifts and you make me
food and you fold my laundry and I take you on.

Speaker 2 (37:23):
Trips Norge at least? Yeah, And I want the boys
to know that, no, for sure, because it's definitely like
a radical love situation that we have going on here
and the boy's exposure to that. You know, we had
gotten some backlash in the past about you being too
touchy feely or the boys being as both of that.
But then that's also people's their own their own issues

(37:44):
and their own perceptions that in their own perspectives that
they're putting on the situation. It's not over sexualizing it.
It's just showing the love and care and then doing
it within the context where we show our boys and
we tell our boys that this is within a marriage,
which is a essential relationship that both people are in
agreement with this happen. So that's how everything is coded,
particularly with us and the boys. One thing I have

(38:05):
to also thank your mom for is you not wanting
to wash a dish or doing the laundry because you
literally Devl had to do it like since he was nine.
So when it came to being adult, Devel was just like,
I'm not going to do it. I rather hire someone
to do He's like, you don't have to do it all, Okay,

(38:26):
I'm not expecting you to wash every dish and wash
every draw, but what you what I'm going to do
is hire someone to do it. I said to your
mom when she was here one day. I was just like,
you realize that, like your son was traumatized with keeping
a clean house. And the funny thing is you do
when we keep a clean house the most part. I mean,
then again, this is not our house, trashed it anyway,
but we try our best to keep a clean house.

(38:48):
And then like Devell won't do certain things because he's
had to do it as a child and it was
trauma and he just is like, I'm not doing certain
things at all.

Speaker 3 (38:55):
Absolutely, Like I.

Speaker 1 (38:59):
Even four nine because my grandmother she had white carpet
we talked about in her kitchen into her den and
that was the space where most people came. And if
that carpet was dirty, she was handing out lashes with
the fly swatter belt or the slipper. My grandmother didn't
play so and she also told us y'all gonna be
here for eight weeks in the summertime. I'm not getting

(39:20):
up every morning and making y'all breakfast. So from as
early as seven, I remember making my own pancakes, waffles, eggs,
French toast because I remember that she taught us how
to do it. And it was me, my cousin Devonn
and my cousin and my brother Brian, and we were
at first it was the three of us. Then my
sister Tory was born nine years later, so we were
responsible to take care of her. So every summer we

(39:43):
had to wake up first thing in the morning. We
had to cut the grass twice a week. We had
to clean out the gutters. We had to do all
the things that men were supposed to do. While my
grandfather was at work, Nana was like.

Speaker 2 (39:55):
Yow doing it all these boys.

Speaker 1 (39:57):
You see that lawn out there, an acre of land,
would all get clean every leaf out of that lawn.
And then it was like, y'all hungry, make your own food.
If y'all want to go to the boys and girls club,
I'll take y'all there. But then once we started driving,
she was like, take y'allself there. So for me it
was just like man independence.

Speaker 2 (40:14):
Really it was ultimately from early which is a true
testament to who you are specifically to this day. Absolutely,
like that's literally like a correlation between you being raised
the way you were raised, who you are as an
adult male. Absolutely, I think a lot of your success
is attributed to that some things.

Speaker 1 (40:30):
Of course, your ear say, ninety percent of my success
was attributed to my mom and the way she, you know,
she did things. My father's presence was more, you know,
once you told it your mother, my mother's five two.
You're not really afraid, Like my mother couldn't scare me. Now,
I was afraid that in my sleep she might cut me,

(40:51):
because my mother is really a thug, and she never was.
She never showed any intimidation by me and my brother,
like a week toiller than her.

Speaker 3 (41:01):
She was like, don't look down on me, and she
was staying.

Speaker 1 (41:03):
At them bottom two steps, and she would say, come here,
come here, come here, and then we would have to
walk to the bottom two stairs and she would be
tiller than us, and then.

Speaker 2 (41:12):
She'd be I want to use that one ma these boys,
and she will be.

Speaker 3 (41:17):
Reading us the Riot Act, and if we look away,
she grabbing our face.

Speaker 1 (41:21):
And she was demanding respect, which I understand in the
house where you got two huge boys who lift way
to play football, who fought competitively in martial arts around
the country.

Speaker 3 (41:32):
Like she like, y'all not gonna think y'all can beat me.
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (41:35):
But sometimes I feel like her feeling she had to
do that, she didn't really show us any love.

Speaker 2 (41:41):
Yeah, and the nurturing, Yeah, it's about you feel like
the balance, yeah, or if that's the takeaway as we
raise boys and listeners listening and say finding that balance. Yeah,
you know, it's very important. All right, Let's jump into
some facts and stats real quick before we take this break,
most of which I think we kind of touched on
a little bit during conversation. Here was heavily. I guess
you telling your story because I don't know what it's

(42:02):
like to have mommy is she's as a boy, but well, yeah,
that could be a whole another episode in the South too.
Mommy issues refers to the psychological effects of a child's
early relationship with their mother, which can continue into adulthood,
and some signs of this mommyhood and men include entitlement.
They may feel entitled if their mother was over indulgent

(42:23):
or controlling. In fidelity, they may cheat on their partners
to fill an emotional void that may have been left
by their mother. Low self esteem. They may have negative
self talk and feel paralyzed by fear or rejection. This
is something that we've seen in a couple kids recently. Cleanliness.
They may have a tendency to cling to others, intimacy,

(42:43):
struggles within intimacy.

Speaker 1 (42:44):
I have prototype kids that I can name. All of
these all of these, I have family member family members.
I could name the different one for all of these.

Speaker 2 (42:53):
YEP, difficulty anxiety is one that I skipped. Anxiety. They
may feel anxious when they get close to people, difficulty
getting to know others. They may have difficulty letting others
know themselves or I guess letting them in. Always needing
to stay in contact with their mother, never wanting anything
to do with their mother, which is the reverse of
that being disrespectful towards women, feeling insecure or often suspicious.

Speaker 3 (43:18):
I want to jump in on that being disrespectful towards women.

Speaker 1 (43:21):
A lot of the young men who I saw whose
moms tried to lead with a masculine energy as they
were going through adolescents because they felt like, I have
to show him I'm the dominant one in the house. Yeah,
percent of those young men grew up to be disrespectful
to women because they felt like their moms. The way

(43:42):
their mom talked to them.

Speaker 3 (43:43):
Was the norm, so they spoke to everybody that way.

Speaker 1 (43:46):
They didn't just disrespect women, they disrespected everyone, but it
was more prevalent with women because you're a man, you know,
you talk to a man disrespectful it's fisticuff. Something's going
to happen, you know what I'm saying. But when you
talk to a woman like that, or your woman like that,
she's smaller than you, she might kind of cower a
little bit more. You find a woman that's like your

(44:07):
mom and you so disrespectful, So now she being disrespectful
to sir, This toxic relationship that you think is normal
because your mom, let you believe that being disrespectful was.

Speaker 2 (44:18):
A sign of love, right, Think about another toxic relationship
between mother and son. Can be the mother acting like
this is her man. Yes, how many times have we
see that?

Speaker 1 (44:29):
Well?

Speaker 2 (44:29):
Yes, exactly, exactly, Like it's a perfect example. Absolutely, it's
just like, yo, this is not your man, this is
your son that you're raising. You know that it has
to be a stark difference, you know, I know, I know.
Always doubting others' loves and that could be probably because
you feel like Mom's love is stronger or you know,
or not just doubting in general, expecting a partner to

(44:52):
pamper them, constantly taking care of them, being the responsibility
of their partner, being towards women, being misogynistic towards women,
controlling women and demanding constant attention and loyalty from women.
So a huge trickle down said, these are.

Speaker 3 (45:10):
All issues that come from mommy issues. And to be honest,
I'm not speaking just to young men.

Speaker 1 (45:19):
I'm also speaking to young women because if you aspire
to be a mom, you have just as much responsibility
to create good, sustainable human beings as these human beings.
These young men have a responsibility to be better people,
for sure. So it works hand in hand. We as
a community of people all have to work harder to
be better so that we can just introduce new ways

(45:40):
of communicating and new ways of existing on the planet
without being so So I hate to say the word
toxic because it's but that is the truth is. Like
I had a mom tell a son, tell me she's
screaming curse at her son all the time, and I said,
why do you feel you how to speak to him

(46:02):
like that in order for him to get it across,
And she was like, I love him. If I just
let him go out in the world and think the
world is this and this and that, then I'm not
showing him no love. It's because I'm hard on him,
and because I do this, I'm showing him that I
love him, And I said, I understand in her mind
how how she views that, but she doesn't realize the
residue of all of that, how it leaves.

Speaker 2 (46:22):
Him, or the lack of balance, Like you can be
that sometimes but then in other times, like you gotta
know how to like not tip the skill either way
too much. Do you think that or why do you
think this is a good one? Why do you think
that people talk more about women having daddy issues than
we talk about men having mommy issues. I'm thinking I'm

(46:43):
going to ask her this, but my idea is that
women are always labeled the more emotional ones, so we
are more apt to, if anything, speak about or be
more vocal about how the daddy issues may have affected us.
Or also too, when you look at women and you
see a girl who you know, maybe conducting herself in
a certain way, you say, oh, the father wasn't in

(47:03):
the house, because that's something people see, whereas men are
not always encouraged to or historically haven't been encouraged to
speak about their emotions and how they feel and mental
health and things like that. So I'm wondering if that's
one of the reasons why you know, we don't hear
as much about daddy or women men having mommy issues.

Speaker 3 (47:22):
I think it's twofold. I think number one, we're super
hyper critical of women.

Speaker 1 (47:27):
Right, We're always been hypercritical of women, their parents, how
they act, and being emotional.

Speaker 3 (47:30):
That's number one.

Speaker 1 (47:31):
Since we're hypercritical of women, we spend more of our
time as a community of people, but or we did
in the past. It's definitely changing now because you through
social media, but you always hear like she hears the problem,
she has the problem. I also think conversely, which is
not healthy at all, Men weren't allowed to express feelings
because if you expressed your feelings, you were considered soft

(47:53):
or less manly. So since we were taught from young
to just not express our feelings and be cold when
you grow up and it's like, what's your problem, I
have no problem. You know, being stoic and being even
is the manly thing. So since you're not allowed to
express those emotional issues, it was almost as if they
didn't exist, when all they did was exist internally, and

(48:13):
they festered until that man lashed out, and then when
that man lashed out, they treated it as if it
was an anomaly. When realistically, this isn't an anomaly. A
lot of these men have these issues coming from their moms,
and we're just not allowed to talk about it, which
is why I want to talk about it, right.

Speaker 2 (48:31):
And this which made perfect sense today. And I'm even thinking, like,
you know, sometimes we have our all girls are all
guys episode. It would be interesting because I would want
to know if you have, like any other young men
or men around you that would be open to speaking
about like how their mom has affected them, you know,
you know, whether it's good or bad. That would be
an interesting conversation amongst men.

Speaker 1 (48:50):
When we did the Dad Gang events, I think it
was two years ago, there was a point where all
of the guys got together and talked about how our
moms affected who we were as parents, who we were
as spouses, you know, and shout space, shout to my
boy Sean, he why she does Josh's boy Sean. They

(49:10):
capished together. But it was funny how the conversation navigated
to that without us even trying, like we were sitting
there talking just like because what happened was there was
an announcement of one of the dads I can't remember
who was having a daughter and we were talking about
our role as fathers raising daughters. And at the time,

(49:33):
I only had I had three sons at the time,
and you were pregnant, and they were talking.

Speaker 3 (49:38):
About Devala, if you have a girl, what would you
how would you raise them?

Speaker 1 (49:42):
And we started talking about how we would raise our
daughters in a way that they would be able to
raise us the way we wanted to be raised, so
we could be better people, you know what I'm saying.
So it was just like, you know, I'm raising my
daughter with intention that if she chooses that she wants
to to be a wife and a mom, she understands

(50:02):
that you have a respond because you're going to be
raising a generation of a man or a young woman
that you're responsible for.

Speaker 3 (50:11):
And everything that I'm doing to you now is going
to affect that young person.

Speaker 2 (50:15):
That's a fact.

Speaker 1 (50:16):
And I mean we went deliberate about that, and we
were all talking about my mom this, and that's what
made me think about it too, And I was just like, man,
all of these young men are very deliberate. And you
know when I thinking about them being deliberate, you know,
we all said our mothers were deliberate.

Speaker 3 (50:28):
Like our mothers, Like.

Speaker 2 (50:30):
One thing we will be is deliberate. Women have an
insight and men have a foresight. The insight in those
moments as you're being raised are really what matter because
they clearly carry you on through the rest of your
manhood and your adulthood. All right, now, it feels like
a good time to take a little break, and then
we'll come back with listening letters, so stick around. All right,

(50:59):
we are back and we're rolling right into these listener letters.
I guess I'll jump in and start with the first one. Hey,
Kadina de Val, It's Breede writing from Texas. What up?
Breed from Texas. First, I would like to say I
love your family, and I'm truly inspired and you're truly
inspired to Oh my goodness, and I'm truly inspired to
have one of my own one day. Okay, so boom.

(51:19):
I'm twenty three years old, and recently my father has
popped back into my life after being absent for twenty
one of those years. Wow, so only two years with dad.
My mom did an amazing job raising me on her own.
I never wanted or needed for anything because of her.
That brings me to say that over the past few months,
my father and I have commund have had communication more
than ever before, but it's still not enough for me.

(51:43):
He and my mother seem to be rekindling a friendship
slash relationship quote unquote, and I'm not sure how I
feel about it, simply because they're acting oblivious to the
years of his absence and the hurt that he has
caused me. Imagine living twenty minutes from your father and
seeing him and your siblings maybe once every two years.
Mind you, my parents were high school sweethearts who had

(52:05):
me in college, but split shortly after my father was
able to finish school marry a woman who was not
fond of myself or my mother? Are you picking up
what I'm putting down? And that's what she said, and
went on to have two of my siblings, all while
my mother put her life on hold for me. That
woman is my hero, and I understand that I cannot

(52:26):
tell her who she can and cannot forgive. But it's
hard when you watch your single mother pick up the
slack to raise you because your father chose to be
absent and let his wife dictate the relationship with his
oldest child, a daughter at that. In my daddy issue opinion,
he should be hauling as towards a relationship with me
rather than fixing one with my mother. I feel as

(52:48):
though the interactions that my father and I have are
for brownie points for my mother and not genuinely for
our relationship growth. So it's difficult, very difficult to accept.
Maybe it's the virgo in me. My mom continues to
call me a brat girl. Be for real, that's what
she said too, because of how I'm acting, But she

(53:09):
simply doesn't understand my point of view, which has now
put a strain on our relationship. Damn, the feelings that
I have tucked away over the years are now resurfacing.
I honestly don't know if it's jealousy, anger, or just
plain hurt. Should I be happy for my mother? Am
I selfish? If I'm not? Are my feelings valid? What
advice would you give me on handling these emotions and

(53:32):
unhealed trauma? Thank you guys? Wow, what a loaded situation.

Speaker 3 (53:36):
I'm not gonna lie this topic is.

Speaker 1 (53:39):
I'm biased because three of the closest people to me
are dealing with baby mothers who are purposely trying to
keep their children away from them, and have kept their
children away from them. One for over a year, one
for over three months, and one they have to go
to court right now. And these are good men who
want to be fathers, who are fighting just to be
in their children's life, and moms are keeping them away

(54:02):
for leverage, for whatever reasons they have. So I'm biased
because it's hard for me to hear any story like
this and automatically jump on the dude and be like,
he should be doing this, he should be doing that.
I watch these men do everything to be in their
children's lives and still get fucked one by the court
system and two by that woman who is scorn for
whatever reason, you know. So I don't want to put

(54:24):
my biased opinion on what I think about this because
I really still don't know enough context. But what I
will say is people, especially children, feel like parents owe
them something.

Speaker 3 (54:38):
I know I do. I feel like I didn't ask
to come here.

Speaker 1 (54:40):
I'm here off your guilty pleasures you owe me, you
know what I'm saying. So I think she's right and
feel like you should be trying to build a relationship
with me as opposed to my mom.

Speaker 3 (54:50):
You know what I'm saying. I just don't know what
went on with him and the mom that he was away,
you know, I don't know.

Speaker 2 (54:57):
So my follow up questions were, what caused you and
your mom and dad to split? And it could be
just college school because he said the father went on
to finish school but mom didn't. So was it just like, Okay,
we had to split because we're trying to both make
something of ourselves and go to college and then possibly rekindle.
But then he meets homegirl and then has two children
with her. So maybe there was really still some love
there between her mom and dad and the situation or

(55:22):
the circumstances didn't allow for them to be together. But
I don't think that takes away from the hurt that
she feels, you know, at this point. So if things
are not not working out with her father's wife, who
she has the two he has the two siblings with,
and now he's coming back to mom because they were
legitimately high school sweethearts, and maybe again immaturity that time
of life, you know you're getting also the advice of

(55:43):
parents and other people around when you're young, that also
sometimes skews your decision making process. So that might have
been the case for her father and her mother. I
do agree with her though, in that she should she
should feel a way that her father is not really
actively making some sort of effort, and genuine effort at that,
to make some sort of relationship with her. I think

(56:05):
if he did exhibit the desire to want a relationship
with her and it organically authentically happened, that in itself
would probably drive her mom to say, wow, like, look
at how he's trying to pour into our daughter again
and build this relationship, and that might spark something with them.
But I think she feels like the outsider in the
circumstance because they're canodling and she's like, hey, what about me.

Speaker 1 (56:28):
One thing I won't do like I said, because I
know I'm going to be biased because the three people
I'm talking about are dealing with these issues right now.
I don't want to speak on the mother and father
relationship because anytime you try to build a narrative around
what could be, it could necessarily.

Speaker 3 (56:42):
Just not be that right.

Speaker 1 (56:43):
But I will say this though, all of those three
men that I'm talking about are deliberate about having relationships
with their children, and it seems like he dropped the
ball on that, especially since they live twenty minutes away
unless there was a court order, which once.

Speaker 3 (56:54):
Again we don't know.

Speaker 1 (56:56):
We don't know why twenty minutes away would you not
have relationship with your daughter unless there is a court order,
in which case we knew with one of the friends
of potent out there was a court order for a
year where he couldn't see his.

Speaker 3 (57:07):
Daughter for no other reason other than the mom was
just lying.

Speaker 2 (57:11):
But what if her mom, unbeknownst to her, was making
it difficult for him and his wife, you know, and
her mom is not coming clean and saying girl like
I gave him, I gave him a way to go,
not even you know.

Speaker 1 (57:25):
That's why I'm saying it's hard for me to create
an idea of why the parents I wish he would
have done a better job of having a relationship with
his daughter, because there's no excuse for that unless there's
a court order or like in some of the circumstances
we see, it's causing more issues for my current family
to try because every time I try, that person is

(57:46):
making it difficult for my wife and my kids now.
So at some point it's like, what am I supposed
to do here? And it's just me as a man,
and I'm not judging. No, man, I've never been through this.
I've watched one of my friends lose everything in his
safe things trying to do this. I will another one
lose almost everything trying to get back their child. And
my brother is going through it right now with his

(58:10):
baby's mother. But I will say this if it were me,
there's nothing you can do to keep me away from
my child period. And I watched those those men and
women feel the same way, like there's just nothing you
can do to keep me away from my child.

Speaker 3 (58:21):
I hope she's able to find reconciliation with her dad.

Speaker 2 (58:24):
I hope so too. I think your feelings definitely are
valid to answer your questions, I don't know if you
should be happy for your mother. I know how much
you love your mother and you feel like she was
the one who really carried you through all these years,
But you can't acknowledge your feelings, and I think that
you may be better equipped with someone like a therapist
who can help you kind of unhash and really dig deep.
And you know, maybe involving your mom and dad now

(58:46):
that maybe it way to bring you guys together by
putting everybody in one room and say, okay, Mom, Dad,
Here's how I feel. That's it, Here's how I feel.

Speaker 1 (58:56):
If she really wants understanding and reconciliation, she should get
them too in the room since they want a canoodle. Now,
can y'all please let me know the history of what
happened during my life in my childhood, Like, I just
want to know how I live twenty minutes away from
my dad and I wasn't able and I want you
both in a room so y'all can tell me the truth.

Speaker 3 (59:15):
So I want to know exactly what it is. And
I'm not judging, No, I just want to know what
happened the previous twenty years. I know how to move.

Speaker 1 (59:23):
I'm not going to blame anybody. Oh you moved that
way because she did this. Oh you moved that way
because he did that. Okay, I understand that. So I'm
just a byproduct of YouTube being young and immature, and.

Speaker 3 (59:33):
I had to deal with that.

Speaker 1 (59:35):
Now that I know why we're here and what happened,
it can help me move forward. That's the best advice
you said. She should speak to both of them collectively,
have a mediator to make sure stuff stays there.

Speaker 2 (59:46):
And you're twenty three now, so they can respect you.
As an adult and say, hey, there's no you don't
know how to hide anything anymore. Like I'm an adult.
We're all adults here, and like you said, no judgment.

Speaker 3 (59:54):
I just want to know.

Speaker 2 (59:55):
I just want to know. So good luck to you
sis as you continue to heal and deal with these emotions.
I hope you can find some reconciliation with your parents.

Speaker 3 (01:00:02):
Absolutely. Number two, Dear Kadeen and dval.

Speaker 1 (01:00:05):
I wrote this letter at two am by my pool
side with tears streaming down my eyes.

Speaker 3 (01:00:09):
This is at least I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 (01:00:11):
This is the second time my husband and I had
a physical fight in our relationship for seven years, and
this time it was in front of our one year
old baby. I vowed to never be in a relationship
that gets physical, much less to have it occur in
front of my son. I cannot overcome the guilt and
shame I feel for having him witness this crying or
because I decided to hold on to him, to take

(01:00:32):
him and prepare his midnight bottle like I always do
in aggression from an argument earlier, but his father had
already prepared one and came in the room and asked
for the baby. I just ignored him and went to
the kitchen. Then there he came bulldozing me over to
collect the baby, so I pushed him back and it
went down from there. It's so sad my passive aggression

(01:00:55):
has become has because wait, my passive aggression was because
he called cursing me out because I had my new
work employer put the parking sticker on his car that
I used and claims it's going to damage his tent.

Speaker 3 (01:01:10):
A tent guys. Ps.

Speaker 1 (01:01:11):
We switched cars because of the distance and his is electric.
I never thought something so small and insignificant could catapult
because it really had nothing to do with that can
catapult into this. Kadeen, don't bash me, please. He sweats
the small stuff and I'm so tired. Tell me what
I know and what I need to know. Please signs steal.

(01:01:34):
First of all, worthy he First of all, this is
a domestic Yeah, like this is nothing to be joking
about it No, not at all.

Speaker 3 (01:01:44):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (01:01:45):
This is once again man. Sometimes you guys write in
with these things and we we need context and we
really want to help you guys, and it would be
better if we can hear both sides. One thing I
will say though, is that if you're at a point
in your marriage seven years. It should never get physical,
and it should never get to a point where you're
screaming and cursing at each other. Yes, Kaudein and I

(01:02:06):
have talked about times where we've screamed and cursed at
each other, definitely, But when it gets to a point
where that leads to violence, both parties need to really
take heed of what's going on here, because based on
even what she said, he was bulldozing her.

Speaker 3 (01:02:19):
She pushed him like right, escalator from from there.

Speaker 1 (01:02:23):
Somebody at some point has to make a choice to
de escalate, and it seems like in this situation, neither
party was willing to de escalate.

Speaker 3 (01:02:30):
De escalate. I understand that they have a one year
one year old son. One year old. There are a
lot more issues.

Speaker 1 (01:02:38):
When you have a one year old, because you're dealing
with sleep deprivation, you're dealing with hormone changes, you're dealing.

Speaker 3 (01:02:44):
With the lifestyle changing of YouTube.

Speaker 1 (01:02:47):
Because it was just two of you, now it's three
of you, and there's someone else that you both have
to consider.

Speaker 2 (01:02:52):
Said, this is the second time that they had a
physical fight in their relationship of seven years. So what
happened prior to this one year old baby, right, because
there was a pregnancy in the baby once at least
two years. So within that first what five years? What
happened that caused that? And is there gonna be another?
Because if there was one, there's two these two, is
there gonna be three?

Speaker 3 (01:03:11):
And if they don't deal with their issues, there will
be a three?

Speaker 2 (01:03:13):
And why is it escalating to physical violence?

Speaker 3 (01:03:15):
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 (01:03:15):
Like you can yell, you can argue, you can scream,
you can go to your corners, but when it becomes physical,
that's when it becomes a big issue. So I think
there really needs to be a hashing out and a
digging down to see what exactly the root of the
issue is. Why are we resorting to violence because that's
not acceptable from either party, And that's from a woman
being physical to a man and vice versa, And it

(01:03:37):
seems like a person to person, it's not even man
and woman.

Speaker 1 (01:03:39):
There are certain things here that I just think that
it's just like passive aggressiveness is terrible, and pettiness is terrible,
and being upset about a tent sticker, right, it probably
has nothing to do with the tent sticker has everything
to do with other unresolved issues that haven't been dealt with,
or being passive aggressive probably has nothing to do with
the bottle and everything to do with issues that have
not been done with. Right, And if I'm being honest,

(01:04:01):
because this is no joking matter, physical assault often leads
to jail time or someone being murdered, especially in domestic abuse,
So this has to be dealt with a young lady.
I hope you can hear us as we talk to you. Now,
this is not funny to us. Kadean would never bash
you on this, and neither would I. But it says
that you're tired. If you're tired, seek help. This is

(01:04:25):
not something that a podcast can help you with.

Speaker 4 (01:04:27):
Right.

Speaker 1 (01:04:27):
This is something that you guys need to go get
professional help because if it extends to physical educations, it's
beyond the scope of what we can help you guys with.
And she's just the guys on this tree.

Speaker 2 (01:04:36):
And you say he sweats the small stuff. It may
be small to you, but maybe it's not small to him.
Like I had to learn that with Deval. There were
some things that I'm like, he'd be like if this
happened to you, or if I did this to you,
you would feel this way, And I'm like, actually, no,
I wouldn't feel that way. Just because you would feel
that way doesn't mean I'm going to feel that way.
So I realized that just because things that he sweat
that I thought were small things to me weren't big

(01:04:57):
didn't take away from the fact that it still bothered him.

Speaker 3 (01:05:00):
You know.

Speaker 2 (01:05:00):
So you guys need to come to some sort of
understanding about what these things are and what the underlying
issues are, so.

Speaker 1 (01:05:06):
And understanding that just because something doesn't bother you doesn't
mean that it's small. For example, I cut Jackson's here
when he was one. Kadeen had a conniption, Sure did.
I thought it wasn't a big deal. And if I'd
have said to her, I think it's small, she'd have
been upset about it. Just because it's not a big
deal to you doesn't mean you can call it small
for something else to somebody else.

Speaker 2 (01:05:27):
Yeah, and so then it might be the biggest thing
in real life.

Speaker 3 (01:05:30):
So I hope you guys actually see seek real help.

Speaker 1 (01:05:33):
All all we can do is give you advice based
on a little bit of context we gave, But please
seek help, guys.

Speaker 2 (01:05:39):
For sure, all Right, y'all, keep writing in if you
want to be featured as one of our listener letters.
One of these good old days, Tripple might just pick you,
all right. Email us at deadass Advice at gmail dot com.

Speaker 1 (01:05:49):
That's D E A D A S S A D
V I C E at gmail dot com.

Speaker 2 (01:05:54):
Alrighty, moment of truth time, we're talking amen with mama issues.

Speaker 1 (01:05:59):
Yes, my moment of truth is once again very simple. Right,
even if you had a great mom like I had
a great mom, right, I think it's important for everyone
to go back and look at your relationship with your mom,
especially if you're planning on having relationships with women, and
see how your relationship with your mom can rear its
head with the women that you date, the women that
you choose to even entertain, and how you just treat

(01:06:20):
women in general, even not the women that you're dating,
but it's women in general, because you'll find that the
way your mom raised you or didn't raise you, or
nurtured you or didn't nurture you definitely affects how you
see all women in your life.

Speaker 2 (01:06:32):
For sure, I'm thinking it from the mom perspective, since
I'm a mom with four boys, and I would encourage
moms because I can understand that later on in life,
when my boys are men, they may say, Mom, you
did this or you didn't do that that made me
feel this way, And it may be impossible for all
four boys to feel my intentions as a mother. But
I do want to encourage those moms out there, particularly

(01:06:55):
moms of boys, because we're speaking about men with mommy issues,
just to try to find a balance, to find that
sweet spot between being that nurturer who cares, who loves
on these children, but also the disciplinarian as well, who
wants to kind of rule with somewhat of an iron fist,
so that we're raising strong men as well, but who
are emotionally aware and sound and know how to treat
themselves and treat the others around them, and particularly women

(01:07:18):
if they do decide to get into a relationship with
a woman later. Definitely, all righty y'all be sure to
follow us on Patreon to get exclusive dead Ass podcast content,
all daycay episodes, and exclusive fun family content. Let me
tell you, since twenty twenty four starting, we've had so
much great content on Patreon. Devou's fortieth birthday Jackson's thirteenth.
There's just been so many things to watch and to

(01:07:40):
tune into, so be sure to do that. And if
you have not been following us yet on social media,
hit us on dead Ass the Podcast. You can find
me at Kadine I Am.

Speaker 1 (01:07:48):
And I Am Devout, and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,
be sure to rate, review, and.

Speaker 2 (01:07:53):
Subscribe dead Ass, Baby, Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:07:57):
God.

Speaker 1 (01:08:00):
Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
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