It's Just My Hormones

Ellis Ever After InfoWe all have hormones. But do we know how they affect us? And most importantly, do we know how they affect our spouses? The Ellises and the crew talk about hormones, peri-menopause and how to live through it all. Dead Ass.

 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Every month, I get four different versions of my wife.

Speaker 2 (00:06):
That is absolutely correct. And I'm at the point now
where I don't to expect you to try to figure
me out because I can't figure me out. Dead Ass.

Speaker 1 (00:17):
It all started with real talk, unfiltered, honest and straight
from the heart. Since then, we've gone on to become
Webby award winning podcasters in New York Times bestselling authors.

Speaker 2 (00:26):
Dead Ass was more than a podcast for us. It
was about our growth, a place where we could be vulnerable.

Speaker 3 (00:32):
Be raw, or but most apportly be us.

Speaker 2 (00:35):
But as we know, life keeps evolving, and so do we,
and through it all, one thing has never changed. This
is a seater because we got a lot to talk about.

Speaker 3 (00:47):
So story time, This story time is going to put
you through. You laughing already, you're laughing already.

Speaker 1 (00:56):
This is going to put you through the cycle of
discussion that in and I go through and I start
to realize what part of the month I'm in. Wake
up one morning. No, we'll start from the night prior.
I forgot what we were talking about. Oh, this is
when I went to Corey's birthday party. Go to Corey's

(01:17):
birthday party. I tell you, I tell Okay, I was
gonna come back in about an hour, right, So it
was gonna be in about an hour. Ended up coming
back at like twelve thirty in the morning. I left
it nine thirty. It's one of my friends' birthday party.
I don't go out, Kate, don't be tripping. But when
I'm getting ready to leave, k Is just like, yo,
I'm gonna be I'm gonna be ready for you when
you get back, right.

Speaker 3 (01:36):
So I'm just like, all right, cool, I get back.

Speaker 1 (01:39):
When I get back into the driveway, I'm on the
phone with Jay for another thirty minutes, so I didn't
realize on the phone that long. I get inside, it's
like one o'clock, go upstairs. I'm like, yo, I thought
you're gonna wait for me. She was just like, I'm
not doing stuti viole d d da da da. So
I was like, all right, I ain't even tripping. Like
it is late. We go to bed, wake up the
next morning to have a conversation and I'm just talking

(02:01):
to her. I'm like, hey, you know, I just was wondering, like,
what made you think that you could just talk to
me like that last night? And then she starts crying,
and I'm like, yo, like when is your period coming?
And then that's when I see the flip switch, because

(02:22):
she became defensive because automatically it was like.

Speaker 3 (02:26):
My period don't come for a couple of weeks.

Speaker 1 (02:28):
She was going and going and going, and she starts
crying again, and I'm like, Okay, we're going table this
conversation because your mental health is way more important than
whatever it is that we were looking to discuss. And
she was like, I just need some time. I said
how much time you need? You need a couple of days,
a couple of weeks. She's just like, I just need
a couple of minutes. So with my mind, I'm like

(02:49):
a couple of minutes is two minutes. I go downstairs
in the man cave. I count one hundred and twenty.
I come back upstairs. Because I'm a very literal person,
I come back upstairs and I'm like, hey, it's been
about two minutes. And she's just looking at me now.
She don't say nothing, She's looking at me eyes like this, bru.
And I'm like, I'm gonna go back downstairs because it
seemed like you need a couple more minutes.

Speaker 3 (03:10):
And this time I counted to like four thousand, seven hundred.

Speaker 2 (03:13):
And fifty eight.

Speaker 1 (03:14):
Right, I go back upstairs, Kay in the closet in
the dark, crying, just sobbing, and I'm like, all right,
I know what's going on.

Speaker 3 (03:27):
Time to put my husband k on and I just
sat next.

Speaker 2 (03:31):
To her and run for cover.

Speaker 3 (03:34):
Now.

Speaker 1 (03:35):
I sat there for about what twenty minutes? Sat there
for about twenty minutes of staring at you, you looking
at me. We didn't say anything. We didn't say nothing
in there. You came and just sat on my lap
and we hugged each other for about right, well, another
thirty minutes.

Speaker 2 (03:48):
It was giving. I was consoling you and you were.

Speaker 3 (03:50):
It was at that point we was consoling each other.

Speaker 2 (03:53):
Know what was happening?

Speaker 3 (03:54):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (03:56):
All right karaoke time. Andrew had the perfect song for this.
I mean, I couldn't think of anything more perfect. It's
just one of them days that a girl goes through
that angri inside. I don't want to take it out, only.

Speaker 4 (04:16):
Come on, bring it up personal.

Speaker 2 (04:19):
I just wanted me all.

Speaker 3 (04:24):
You because you don't.

Speaker 4 (04:27):
Don't baby baby baby still love Yeah.

Speaker 3 (04:37):
Shout out shout out to the nineties.

Speaker 2 (04:40):
Currently on tour with Brandy in trouble.

Speaker 3 (04:44):
Yeah, yea, that yeah, I did that. Yo, Destiny's cousins.

Speaker 2 (04:48):
Don't take it personally, all right, I don't don't take
it personally. I really just want to be alone half
of the time, to be honest, especially around that time.
But I be conflicted because I'm like, I have a
whole house full of children and a husband, so it's
like I can't be alone, but well, be wanting to
be alone.

Speaker 1 (05:05):
Let's take a quick break, come back in, and you can
tell us what was going what you were going through
during that time.

Speaker 2 (05:12):
That works, That works, all ry, y'all. We're gonna pay
some bills and we'll be back, all right, and we're back. Yes,
talking hormones today. So it's funny. Deval did a video
that he posted on social media that was hilarious. I
actually watched it from the dark room that I was in.

Speaker 3 (05:33):
The dark y'all. That was not it was just but
it was my reality.

Speaker 2 (05:37):
Literally the dark room that I was in. I watched
it and I was like, this is funny, and then
I threw my phone to the side and sobbed some more.
But no, in that moment, that particular day, I remember
you saying I'm just gonna go out, have a quick drink,
come back, And in my mind, I'm like, dev I
don't even like to be outside like that anyway, so
he'll be back in an hour. Cut to four hours later.

(05:59):
It was like twenty in the morning when you walk
through the door and not at that point was just
ready to go to sleep. And that next I guess
I didn't even realize in that moment how I may
have come across, you know, me telling you, babe, I
don't want to do this. I want to talk about
this right now. I just want to go to sleep,
you know, I have to be up with the kids
at six am. Don't want to talk about it. And
then the next day Deval normally as usual, wants to

(06:23):
get clarity on things. It's just like, yo, U SPADs
for no reason. What's the problem. And I think I've
reached the point now where I too don't even know
what I'm feeling and why sometimes until I look at
the calendar and I'm like, oh, my goodness, is a
couple of days before my period. And it threw me

(06:44):
a loop for a loop, I think mainly because I
hadn't dealt with severe mood swings when I was experiencing
PSPMI symptoms growing up, so in my twenties thirties. Of course,
thirties is more like child bearing ages, so I knew
my out of rack. I knew what to expect at
that point. But now in my forties, when most women

(07:05):
were like, yo, this is like the best time. You
know your drive will be back up where you know
you left it off, and there's so many things to
look forward to, and I'm just like, nobody actually prepared
me for the hormonal changes that we're going to take
place now until I started speaking about it with other

(07:26):
friends and other women, some women who are older than me,
and they're like, oh, girl, yeah, you're right where you're
supposed to be, Like, perimenopause is a thing, so yeah,
in that moment, I just didn't know how to feel.
I wasn't sure why I was crying. I just knew
that there was devastation happening. And then I was also

(07:46):
simultaneously feeling a bit of guilt because I'm like, damn,
I don't want you to have to try to maneuver
dealing with me during these times, especially because we're know
what's going to happen. Once a month right, And I
don't want to be that person, that woman that uses
my hormones as an excuse to mistreat you, or to

(08:08):
to misspeak, or to make you feel disrespected by my
tone or the way I engage with you. So I
think I was dealing with a couple of things. It
was not knowing why I felt the way I felt,
and then also feeling badly for you having to kind
of bear the brunt of that because all you're coming
from is a place of care. You're just like thebe
What can I do? How can I help you get

(08:30):
through this? And when I can't even clearly articulate what
I need in that moment, I can see how it
can be frustrating for a spouse. So yeah, let's unpack
what these hormones look like. We have a couple, a
couple of different experiences here, you know, you do. It
can speak from our experience, but I know triple has
hers and of course Josh and Matt who are married

(08:51):
as well. So for me, I think I apologize.

Speaker 3 (08:56):
You don't have to apologize.

Speaker 2 (08:57):
I feel like I'm constantly, at least once a month
apologizing for my behavior, and I'm like, I know, your
biggest thing is change. Behavior is the biggest form of apologies,
and I'm just like, I don't even know how to
change my behavior.

Speaker 1 (09:08):
Well, but I do also think it's important for us
to have a discussion about hormones but also intent and impact,
because I think that's the biggest thing me and Josh
talked about it. Josh being married, I think a year
a year after us, Yes, it was a year, right,
you're over ten years married. You'rever ten years married too,
so you were able to hit me to learning about hormones,

(09:32):
you know, dealing with a wife every single month, and
it's understanding that as a man, right, And this is
not me man explaining. We're never as your husband, trying
to get you to understand what we're going through.

Speaker 3 (09:47):
We're trying to understand.

Speaker 1 (09:49):
And what Josh was explaining to me is that if
I constantly say to you in the moment, like you
did something to me in this moment, it's only about
that moment. It ain't about you as a wife, right,
but also me as a husband. Realizing that when you're
going through these changes in these different hormonals, up and downs,
the things that you're doing, you're not doing to me

(10:11):
as a husband, you're going through something, and the byproduct
of what you're going through happens to me because I
see you every single day.

Speaker 2 (10:17):
I think where the conflict arises, though, is that when
you say I'm not speaking about you as a wife
in general, I'm speaking about this moment. When that moment
happens every month as a woman, you come to feel
like damn, at least once a month, understand, which is
often I think at least once a month I feel
like I'm feeling as a wife because I'm not giving
you the experience that you're expecting, or you're just confused

(10:41):
by what's happening. So that's why I think we as
women sometimes feel like damn, like I can't get this
shit right.

Speaker 4 (10:46):
Yeah, And as a part of hormonal changes, being a
part of your menstrual cycle, a part of your cycle
of life is happening over and over again. You're not
even really thinking about it as part of a cycle.
You're thinking about it as who you are, Like I'm
a person who has mood swings, and I'm a person
who gets irritated easily, and you know what I'm saying.
And so then we can get in a cycle of

(11:08):
like trying to fix ourselves so much that we're not
focusing on you know, what we're doing well already, and
that can turn into other.

Speaker 3 (11:17):
Okay, don't I literally say that.

Speaker 1 (11:20):
I say to her, I say, listen, We'll have a
conversation right for like an hour during the week, And
I'm like, it's just an hour conversation. There's twenty four
hours in the day. We spoke about it for an
hour one day. There was also seven six other days
where we didn't have no conversation. She only focused on
the bad part, that one bad moment, and I'm like,

(11:40):
there was so many other, thousands of hours of good moments.
But this is why I think the conversation is important
for me to understand where you guys are coming from mentally,
so that we don't always take it on us Because
as husbands, and I know you guys can speak to
this too. Our biggest thing is care, Like I want
my wife to be okay, you know, and I want
my wife to also be seen as okay in other

(12:02):
people's eyes.

Speaker 3 (12:03):
Sometimes when she has a mood swing or something.

Speaker 1 (12:05):
I'm like, hey, I'm just telling you, you know, watch
how you speak to the kids in this moment. Or
your mom live with us, watch how you interact, and
then that becomes a thing. It's not like I'm trying
to tell you like you're the worst person. I'm trying
to say, Yo, we're working through this together. But then
we also got to understand y'all are actually physically going
through it. And that's the part that Josh was able

(12:26):
to help me get some clarity as to even how
to approach having those conversations and when like Joh, I
forgot the term, but you talk, it's the days leading
up to it, the.

Speaker 3 (12:38):
Ludio phase. What Josh explained to me years ago was.

Speaker 1 (12:41):
Like, it isn't always when their period starts, it's the
days before. And I had got to know Kay so
well that I was like four days before it starts.
And this used to cause arguments. We will be having
a discussion and you have a look at your wife
eyes and you can tell like this is the hormonal
version of them, This isn't them, And then I'll stoping
to be like, all right, when is your period supposed

(13:03):
to come? And then she almost get upset. Then I'm asking,
like my period is not coming, and I'm like, like my.

Speaker 2 (13:08):
Point right now is valid? Don't try to blame it
on hormones. Like what I'm talking about right now is
a thing, right And then I'm like, Okay, maybe it's
not a thing, because maybe I really about to approach,
you know, my cycle.

Speaker 3 (13:19):
And that was last week doing story Tom.

Speaker 1 (13:21):
I remember I stopped the conversation with the conversation got
so heated right where Kneen was like screaming like she
and I was just like, hey, like you notice I'm
I'm not screaming like this. This is only going one way.
And then she was just like, I don't know what's
going I don't know what's happening. And I said like, hey,
think about it. When is your period coming? And you
stopped and you was just like, oh my gosh. It

(13:43):
was in that moment where I was like, all right,
let's table this whole discussion because what we're talking about
in that moment, and this is what I think is
important for husbands to understand, because I don't like to
just say you can't you can't do it on your
own and you need help. But I think if we're
going to do this together, that we do need to
help each other. And as your husband who's going through

(14:03):
this with you. I think it's important for us. Is
meant to take some onus on the fact that if
we realize that it's a hormonal issue or something going on,
whatever that issue is in a moment is no longer important.
You know what I'm saying, How you spoke to me
last night is no longer the topic of conversation. And
I think that we have to learn that. It's like,
let's table stuff to focus on what the real issue is.

(14:24):
And if the real issue is hormones, let's deal with.

Speaker 4 (14:25):
That so we can talk about the science behind it.
So during the ludio phase is when your body starts
to produce more progesterone, which supports the body through pregnancy.
It makes the uterine lining thicker to try to prevent miscarriage.
But what it also progesterone also in a woman's body

(14:47):
creates a sedative effect and helps to decrease anxiety. And
so during the ludio phase, your progesterone levels can spike,
and when your body realizes you're not pregnant, the levels drop,
So then that's what affects your mood. And then during perimenopause,
your progester round levels become more erratic, They fluctuate up

(15:08):
and down like crazy, and so then that is what
also creates mood swings.

Speaker 1 (15:14):
So question how could we assist y'all through those phases
as women?

Speaker 2 (15:21):
I mean, for me, I think this is a fairly
new territory because I hadn't dealt with at least to
my knowledge. Maybe you might think it's different, but to
my knowledge or to what According to the way I feel,
I don't feel as though I've had to manage my
mood and emotion much, you know, in the previous years.

(15:41):
This is something that's new to me. So as I'm
navigating this personally, when I'm trying to figure things out,
I like to be alone because I feel like the
people who will bear the brunt of whatever mood I'm
going through are the people closest to me. So it's
going to be my parents who live here, the boys,
And what I don't want is to become that quote

(16:05):
unquote she's crazy because I'm going through something that I
can't control in that moment, and then something that's completely
natural too, Like it's not even like there's some outside
forces that are, you know, causing this. This is just
something going on internally where I'm still trying to figure
it out. I'm still trying to figure out how to
manage it. And when I speak with other women who

(16:27):
are around my age or going through something similar, we
all have Some people have, you know, similar symptoms. Some
people have different ones, like there's a laundry list. I
don't know if you've found any trible of like perimenopause
or anything like. Those symptoms vary for so many people.
So I think right now I'm in a discovery phase
of trying to understand what my body is going through.

(16:49):
While I'm going through that, I think it's best for
me to have some like alone time, like you know.
And I know I can't clock out for like it's
not realistic of me to clock out for a day
or two, but it's helpful trying to navigate this I
think a bit on my own, but having you nearby
in case I do need to pop out for a hug,

(17:09):
you know, because remember when that happened the other day,
I would think I was on maybe day one of
my cycle. I wanted to be around you guys because
I felt like, damn, I can't just be in this
room all day by myself, not interacting with anyone, although
you were encouraging me to do that, but then I
had moments where I wanted to pop out and just
kind of like lay there with you and then go back.

Speaker 1 (17:31):
You know what I think that comes from. That comes
from what Josh talked about. Remember what you said last night, Josh,
as a man, as your partner. Once I understand, I
can't just then say okay, I understand she wants to
be alone and walk away. That also was just another
problem in itself. Right, What you have to do is
know that there's a problem, also be of assistance but

(17:51):
when needed, right, And I know you just said it
like you don't expect me to navigate your emotions, but
I tell you, since she was eighteen years old, it's
been part of my to stylestep your emotions. That's as
a husband as as the person that's going to be
your life partner.

Speaker 3 (18:06):
That's part of my job. I take honoring that. You
know what I'm saying. Of the two of us, one.

Speaker 1 (18:11):
Of us has physiological changes, so one of us is
really going through something.

Speaker 3 (18:17):
One of us is okay, So the one it okay, I.

Speaker 1 (18:20):
Think doesn't give that doesn't give you an excuse to
just be disrespectful and act crazy, but it does give
me a reason to give you some latitude. And I
think that's what people need to understand that we're going
through this together.

Speaker 3 (18:34):
You're not going through it alone. And it's also not daunting. Right.
The fact that I could.

Speaker 1 (18:38):
Leave make a video you could see and laugh about
it means that if you handle it by having conversations,
it's not something that has to be a split. And
that's the thing I could I concern myself with is
hormones or how we deal with hormones shouldn't be the
reason why couples don't work out. And if we continue
to get to the forefront of what it is and
we continue to have open discussions, we can learn. I

(19:00):
always thank Josh WHI. I always go to Josh and
I thank him for this because this was years ago
and he was trying to help me with the hormones
that you were having after having the children, because we
were doing I'll never forget to day we were doing
the Cobblestone shoot in Brooklyn, and this is when we
only had three kids. We were getting ready to go
to twenty nineteen, We were getting ready to go to

(19:21):
LA and of course during photo shoots, we always have
our little spats and things and difference of opinions, and
then Josh was just like, Yo, you need to learn
about hormones.

Speaker 3 (19:32):
Bro, that's it, and you laughing. But to us as men,
we take this serious.

Speaker 1 (19:38):
And I think it's important for women to hear that
if you have a man that really values you and
cares about you and your well being, he would make
it his job to understand how your hormones work, because
he's going to have to deal with that im perpetuity
the same way you're going to have to deal with
him in perpetuity. And I always thank Josh for that

(19:58):
because it just showed me how to give you grace
and moments where I was like, you know what, she
may not be able to show up the way I
expect her to today, but I know what it's for, right,
you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (20:09):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (20:09):
I think another thing too, is that because women's health
isn't very much researched, there's not a lot of support
behind treating perimenopause or treating menopause or even endometriosis and
things that, yeah, women's women's issues that women often we
don't know what our options are. We don't even know

(20:31):
how to treat our symptoms. We just think that it's
a part of who we are and we just have
to deal with it. And sometimes it can be really
hard on us emotionally to deal with it and hard
on the people in our lives. But there's a black doctor.
Her name is doctor Sharon Malone. She wrote a book
called Grown Women Talk, which talks specifically about this. It's
about women knowing what their options are. She was an

(20:52):
obgyn and she just started to realize that women going
into their forties, they didn't know how to take care
of their bodies or what their options are. And I
heard her on an interview on NPR talking about hormone
replacement therapy, which a lot of women do not understand
that they have that as an option. Even for things
like incontinent, you can use hormone replacement therapy to help that.

(21:16):
So I think it's worth doing a little bit more
research as women, because when it comes to our menstrual cycle,
when it comes to even birth, we think that our
bodies were just made for this and we're supposed to
know how to handle it, and every woman goes.

Speaker 2 (21:28):
Through it and blah blah, blah blah.

Speaker 4 (21:30):
And that's really not the case. We need to support
ourselves and support each other, and a lot of times
black women don't. We just started talking about I just
learned what perimen and pause was just a few years ago.
I don't even know that thing.

Speaker 2 (21:41):
I think tab Tapatha Brown started talking about it, and
I was just like, what is she talking about? And
baby lo and behold here I am. So when she
was over here one day, I was like, girl, yeah,
I think I'm here, and She's just like yep, and
she mentioned hormone replacement therapy. So that was the rabbit
hole that I went down when I was in my
dark cave that one day, because I'm like, there has
to be a way. I think that's in the middle
of me sobbing because I didn't know why I was sobbing.

(22:04):
I think part of it was because I felt I
didn't feel in control of my emotion. I didn't feel
in control of myself, and I'm like, I'm usually fairly
well put together, like I can kind of keep it
together and I couldn't. So looking at hormone replacement therapy
as an option with something that I'm definitely going to
look into. You know, because everything comes with a side

(22:25):
effect or something. So that's another thing. Like I was
priding myself on finally being off of an IUD or
you know, not having to take any form of birth
control to then now being like, damn, I may have
to reintroduce some sort of hormone just to be able
to function every month.

Speaker 4 (22:42):
And it's difficult because you can't take like an ssriri
or antidepressant or anti anxiety because progesterone is a totally
different thing. Those medicines don't work.

Speaker 2 (22:52):
Yeah, that's how I felt. I felt depressed.

Speaker 1 (22:55):
You said, you said multiple times that you felt like
you was like, I don't know what depression feels like,
but that heaviness, they feel like you don't want to.

Speaker 2 (23:02):
Get out of bed, kick it, like you can't.

Speaker 3 (23:04):
That's how she says she felt.

Speaker 2 (23:06):
Yes, how said, I don't have many moments in life
where I can recall being depressed like that, but that's
what it felt like.

Speaker 1 (23:11):
But I will say this though, knowing you for twenty
three years, I can typically tell when you're getting to
that mode. And that's when I incorporated, like let's do
a date Night's because for me, as your husband, I
had to realize what works for my wife.

Speaker 3 (23:27):
Right.

Speaker 1 (23:28):
I know for a fact, when you work out routinely,
when you get sufficient sleep and I mean six to
seven hours of deep rem sleep without being interacted, right.

Speaker 3 (23:37):
And this is what Kay doesn't realize.

Speaker 1 (23:39):
If you go to sleep at two in the morning
and you wake up at six fifteen, right, and then
you go back to sleep and then you sleep in another
three hours, that's not the same is when you go
to bed at eleven and you get up at six fifteen.
So I've learned just like when you get more sleep
when you're eating differently, right, when you're not eating sugar,
when you don't drink alcohol, when you work out consistently, true,

(24:01):
it does regulate your moods. At least your hormones still
go through their things, but it regulates your mood.

Speaker 4 (24:06):
No attention, because some of the things that support progesterone
production are getting enough sleep, reducing stress levels. So like
working out. And also they say eating healthy diets that
are rich in vitamin sees, zinc, magnesium, inviting me there we.

Speaker 2 (24:23):
Go all low, like I think worldwide as a people,
we're on magnesium and then women child only. Let's scratch
the surface about iron deficiencies and anemia. That's where I
am listen to.

Speaker 4 (24:34):
Magnesium is what helps your body absorb other vitamins. So
on magnesium you low on everything right.

Speaker 2 (24:40):
And magnesium is great for sleep, quality, sleep and stuff.
So I started taking it in the evenings to see
if it would help with sleep. I mean, I can't
really tell. It's hard, but to your point, I think
getting on a better schedule definitely helps to support that.
I noticed when I was preparing to film this earlier
this year. I was on a very strict diet, very

(25:01):
strict regimen with exercise, sleep study, and I actually felt
my best.

Speaker 3 (25:09):
You were not only in your best shape.

Speaker 1 (25:11):
Remember when I said I felt like I was falling
in love with your mood was way more even.

Speaker 3 (25:15):
I noticed that consistent.

Speaker 2 (25:17):
Talking about it now made me realize that was a
really good time for me. And then I was supposed
to get my cycle right in the middle of filming,
and I took something to delay it because I didn't
want to have to deal with that with all the
quick changes in long days. But it didn't suppress the
hormonal component, which worked in my favor kind of when
I was filming some of those scenes, I needed that,

(25:39):
so it was helpful in that moment. But every time
I think back to when I was feeling my best
at least this year, because like I said, I felt
like there was like a drastic decrease in my mood
or drastic change. Rather, I think I felt my best
when I was on a routine. So to your point,
I maybe need to get back to that, you know,
to feel a little bit better again. But Triple kind

(26:00):
of touched on talking about it. When I think back
to women the generation before me, our mothers, for example,
I remember when we first met. Devao's mom was just like, man,
I can't sleep. I keep getting up at like three
or four in the morning, can't sleep, And to this
day she's still that way. You know. They were all

(26:20):
exhibiting signs of this. My mother was the only one
who I felt like didn't because she had to have
it hysterected me at forty five due to fibroids and
things like that. But talking to women who are a
little bit older than me, I'm like, man, y'all were
just over here, essentially, I think suffering in silence because
we couldn't have the conversations or what or either we
didn't know to have the conversations or we just felt like,

(26:42):
this is just how they are, that's a part of life.
And I was reading a statistic I forgot I should
have written down the exact statistic, but they pretty much
was saying that a lot of people get divorced in
their forties and early fifties, and it was directly linked
to hormonal changes in women, which I thought was a
really interesting point.

Speaker 4 (27:01):
Yeah, I feel like we always witnessed the physical parts.
And I would hear my mom talking about going through
the change where she was referring to other people because
she also had to have a hysterectomy in her forties,
be like right, probably as her change was beginning, right,
And so even that was like something that was insane.

(27:23):
She hadn't had a period in years, like maybe decades,
and all of a sudden she was having heavy, heavy periods,
and so she ended up having to get a hysterect me.
But so we would see, like, you know, the physical
symptoms of your menstrual cycle. My stepmom was walking around
with a titty towel because she was yeah, right out

(27:47):
whoever been shout out to, whoever made the titty towel.

Speaker 2 (27:50):
He was really thinking, Yes, what is that for, like
the undertitty sweat.

Speaker 4 (27:55):
Yeah, you just like put it cover up your boobs.
It's like a towel and breaking around with no shirt on.

Speaker 2 (28:03):
That look like I saw this heating path that looked
like a diaper that you just strap it on and
it literally straps on like a diaper and you put
it on like get I would like to be your
ambassador for that, I mean, babe, because the whole the back,
everything needs to be heated up.

Speaker 4 (28:23):
But yeah, we would see like the physical symptoms of
the mental cycle and some about menopause, but not the
hormonal changes or the emotional changes. Like dealing with older
women in your family, you just have to go roll
with the punches of their attitudes or whatever. It's always
your fault anyway, as a kid.

Speaker 3 (28:41):
Talk about that, talk about that, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 (28:44):
But we don't know how much of that was due
to like hormonal changes or menstreual you know, hormonal changes.
So I guess it would help that we talk about it.
I mean, you don't have daughters, but you have a
younger sister and I have sons.

Speaker 2 (28:59):
Divine and I were talking about this too. In the
midst of talking about hormones recently, I'm just like, I
have four sons. If they decide to get married and
they have wives, like, I feel like I'm going to
be that mother in law that's going to be like,
come here, girl, Like, I don't know what your mother
spoke to you about, but I pray for relationships that
we were close enough that we can talk about these things,
because I would want to prepare her for my son's sake,

(29:20):
you know what I'm saying, Like, I'm I'm glad I
do want to That concerns me just in general about
how we coexist as people.

Speaker 1 (29:29):
You know, I'm glad you brought that up because oftentimes
moms now is something that's like I want to prepare
a woman for my son's sake, right, But I don't
think y'all realize that, Like I'm somebody else's son, like
Josh and Matt is someone else's son. And a lot
of times in these conversations, y'all don't think about the
other person who's on the other side dealing with your hormones. Now,
this is not me mansplaining or trying to shift the conversation,

(29:51):
but to hear you say as a woman, like I
would want to prepare other women for my sons. It's
like that's how we feel as men sometimes, like somebody
would have prepared us.

Speaker 3 (30:02):
And I'm asking this publicly to please.

Speaker 1 (30:04):
Give us as men grace the same way you're asking
for grace as we learn these things. Give us grace
because we have no idea. Like I grew up in
my house, I remember my mom saying, you know, it's
my body, and my body goes through things, but not
knowing what she was talking about because no one said it.

Speaker 2 (30:20):
She didn't openly talk about it. Well, think about when
I had my accident in Mexico and we had to
explain to Jackson Jackson, Yeah, yeah, like that was a
perfect no one.

Speaker 1 (30:28):
No one ever did that with us. But I remember
my mom coming in the room at nine in the morning,
pulling all the bags out the closet and opening them
and like doing things, and I'm like.

Speaker 3 (30:36):
Why is like why would you just do that?

Speaker 1 (30:39):
Like like there was a better way of going about it,
And then she'd be screaming and hollering and leave. And
now when I look back on it, I'm like she
was probably hormonal her and my dad were going through
whatever issues they had, so then typically once that happens,
it comes down to the kids. And I wish that
someone would have prepared me for it, because even being
a mentor to so many young men who come from

(31:00):
single parent homes, all they say is, Yo, she's crazy.
The track girls, my mom crazy, she's wild. I wish
ya would have known what I know now, because I'm like, yo,
y'all are seventeen. Your mom is forty something. Your mom
is hormonal. Give it time because you go through the
same thing every month. If it could have been something
very simple that if I would have known, I could

(31:21):
have prepared the track girls. I could have prepared the
football players.

Speaker 3 (31:24):
Your mom's not crazy, bro, your mom is going through something.

Speaker 1 (31:27):
This conversation needs to be had not from one sided,
but both sides, especially if we're going to constantly, you know,
be intermingling.

Speaker 3 (31:34):
You know, I heard you ask Trible Trouble. You're in
a homosexual relationship.

Speaker 1 (31:39):
Don't you think it's easy because you have a woman
that you understand each other's hormones, and Trouble is like, no,
because most women don't even know their own hormones.

Speaker 3 (31:46):
So that's what we as men are saying like, please
give us grace.

Speaker 4 (31:49):
Yea, it's not like I used to have really bad PMS,
like emotionally, and so I got really good at like
tracking my period and tracking when the PMS is coming in,
and so I would be like emotional and be like,
oh shit, I'm pmssing. Okay, now I can calm down.
And so when I'm in relationships with other women, I
be tracking a period and I'd be like, no, I

(32:13):
think you're pmssing your period is on the way, And
that conversation does not really work.

Speaker 2 (32:20):
Yeah, I thought it would.

Speaker 4 (32:21):
Nobody if you're upset, you know you're upset, you're in
your feelings, you want some attention, you don't want to
hear you're about to start your period. It makes it
sound like I'm not taking serious right right right, And
then we I feel like as women, we are taught
to have shame around our period and shame around our
menstrual cycle, the way we hide our paths and cons

(32:42):
and we got to do X, Y and Z to
make sure nobody knows around our period. And so we
have shame about talking about it and about admitting what
it does to our bodies and even if we do
understand that we have hormonal changes that affect us emotionally,
we might think, well, the other girls don't have that,
they don't do that, so then we don't talk about,
you know, how it affects us. So it's hard to
even just talk to another woman in an into relationship

(33:05):
about how her period is affecting her mood.

Speaker 2 (33:09):
You're exactly right. I remember when my mom because my
mom didn't have like conversations with me about like sex
and like the actual physical part of it. It was
kind of like here's a little book and it was
very like g rated, you know. But with my period,
that's something that she took a lot of time and
care into describing what it was going to look like,

(33:29):
what it was going to feel like, and the way
I was supposed to care for myself. So from a
hygiene perspective, you know, the way I was supposed to
you know, clean up after myself. She got me this
little pouch you know, that had the pad, it had wipes,
it had you know, pantyliners, things like extra underwear in it,
and she was like, you know, when you start seeing
your period, you take this to the bathroom with you.

(33:50):
And I felt like it was more of a like
of a distraction for people to see me with this
like pouch going to the bathroom. But for her it
was like, you know, you don't have to let people
know when you're on your cycle. It's something you keep
super private. You know, no one should know you're in
the house with your brother and your father. You wrap
the pad a certain way, then you wrap it in
paper towel, you put it at the bottom of it.
So there was this I didn't understand the secret see

(34:12):
in it because at first I said, you know, well,
I thought, like all women have this, so what's the
big deal. But then I realized, like you're going into
this like womanhood sisterhood thing where it's like this is
like something that we have to protect. And now that
I'm older, to your point trible like we it was
supposed to be a secret, like we can't talk about
when you're on your cycle. And I never understood that

(34:35):
and the shame around it kind of that. I feel
like my mom was like preparing me for that. I
never really felt because amongst the girls, we talk about it,
you know, but it's something the boys couldn't know.

Speaker 4 (34:44):
I'll never forget, man, when I was in sixth grade.
There's a girl named Britney Cousins. She was a great
under me, and I guess she had her period. She
dropped the pad out of her purse and I gave
it back to her, and she went and told the
teacher that I was teasing her because she was on
her period. And my teacher gave me this whole lexture
about how she started a period and I had already

(35:05):
started my period. I'm like, why the hell would I
be teasing her?

Speaker 3 (35:08):
I have my period.

Speaker 4 (35:09):
Let me tell you. I never spoke to that girl
a day and you bad girl, I don't know where.

Speaker 2 (35:14):
I'm sorry.

Speaker 4 (35:14):
I never said another word of her ever again, because
I'm like, why would you do that?

Speaker 2 (35:18):
Why would you do that?

Speaker 4 (35:19):
It was because she simply felt her own level of
shame in that moment, and she needed, I don't know,
to put it off on somebody else so that she
could like relieve her feel better.

Speaker 2 (35:28):
Yeah, yeah, feel better about herself.

Speaker 5 (35:30):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (35:30):
I never quite understood that, but now think thankfully, you know,
we're having conversations because we're realizing there's so much more
than just shedding your uterine lining every day, Like I mean,
every once a month. It's it's more than that.

Speaker 1 (35:41):
So I do have a question as we talk about
what men can do to help you guys do this,
what are your plans to help help us?

Speaker 2 (35:52):
Well, I told you. For me, it's me trying to
now figure out how I can regulate things to the
best of my ability. So I went back to my
holistic doctor to get another blood panel done. The problem
with that is that when you go at that particular
time of the month, it's only tracking your hormone in
that moment, so you don't know what it's going to
look like the next day or a week from that.
But there are places that are specifically designed for hormone

(36:15):
therapy where it's a bit more extensive and you may
have to get blood drawn during different points in the month,
or they track your cycle and you know what you're
supposed to take. When that for me is I think
the best way that I can try to navigate this
experience so I feel better and in turn I can
show up for you and the boys and my family
and for work the way I need to. I have

(36:36):
a friend that says like she doesn't even book any
like work, call, meetings, conferences, nothing around her cycle. Because
she's like, I'm no good to anybody at that point.
So between that and then also just trying to be
more vocal with you and just saying you know what, babe,
I know it's approaching this time. I'm trying to hold
it together.

Speaker 3 (36:54):
You know.

Speaker 2 (36:55):
I apologize in advance if I come across a certain
kind of way because I don't. But that's the best
that i can do in the meantime while I'm trying
to figure out how to navigate the changes.

Speaker 1 (37:05):
So I just want you to notice, right, Matt and
Josh haven't said anything right. And the reason why is
because men don't feel like we can even say anything
even when trouble. Is like, if a man were to
say to you, hey, when is your period starting, it's
automatically condescending, and it's perceived as because I'm a woman,
I'm being illogical when realistically, sometimes, as your husbands or

(37:28):
your spouse or someone, we really want to know.

Speaker 3 (37:30):
What I'm asking is what would be the easiest way.

Speaker 1 (37:33):
For us to start having this conversation within a relationship.
You and I don't have to worry about that. We've
been together twenty three years. I know, y'all For us
for you, Matt, for sure, I know this is familiar
for you if you have if you're a man, and
you like, I think my wife may be about to
start her period, how do you approach that conversation without

(37:56):
making her feel like you're dismissing her thoughts as just emotion,
Because that's what men struggle with.

Speaker 3 (38:01):
Because I'm not gonna lie.

Speaker 1 (38:03):
Sometimes it's hard to constantly be disrespected or be cut
off of b and then you want to say you're
your period starting, and then you're trying to be kind
and then they spas again.

Speaker 3 (38:15):
At some point you got to realize too, like I
am a man and.

Speaker 1 (38:19):
Yeah, I mean yeah, if I'm being honest, And women
never want to hear this because women will say, well,
we the ones that get our period every month. And
I agree, That's why I'm trying to work with you.
But also while I'm trying to work with you, I
don't have to just take disrespect. Now, you're not a
disrespectful person, but there are some women who when they
go through this, they do get disrespectful.

Speaker 4 (38:38):
We could say, hey, babe, we're gonna go get a
massage today, thirteen hundred minute massage that we're going to
stay cation by yourself, babe.

Speaker 2 (38:49):
Uh huh, a staycation by yourself, babe. I know somebody
who like when she needs to gets checked into a hotel,
almost as if she gets checked into an institution. She'll
go for like the weekend, for example, if your period
falls on a Friday, I'm gonna stay in a hotel
and do a staycation alone in this moment, I love
that you have a support group like you have other

(39:09):
gentlemen who are going through very similar things, who are
in relationships, either married or long term relationships where y'all have.

Speaker 3 (39:17):
We don't have that.

Speaker 2 (39:22):
It's not avoiding it. It's just that we don't know.
We don't know how to navigate it. So it's hard
to tell y'all how to navigate it. The most I
could say is, if you do have somebody that you're
with in a relationship, I think you can just have
the conversation. Say I listened to Ellis ever After and
they were talking about hormones. Do you think that you're
experiencing anity symptoms? Babe? And it doesn't have to be

(39:44):
mid conversation. Don't wait till the argument to have the conversation.
It can be a conversation that can be had prior
to that, like do you feel like every month on
your cycle you become hormonal or you have you know,
mood issues.

Speaker 6 (40:00):
I will say this, don't have the conversation if you
think she's having like her periods coming, just assume that
it's coming. Don't don't have that conversation at that time,
especially it's a trigger. Since it's triggering, I think the
conversation needs to happen once that cycle is done and
you can recap and talk about what happened and how

(40:21):
y'all y'all can better serve each other. Right For me,
my wife was like, Yo, there's certain things that you
do that's triggering me in his time. And at first
I'm like, wow, how can you say I'm triggering you
to for you to you know, act away? But I
realized I can't actually trigger her. I cannot behave the
way I'm like, I'm nitpiggy, or I'll I'll be miserabel

(40:44):
and it's time like Yo, what's what's this in the sync?
Or like why the place look like this or something
like that. Not to say that, you know, she's has
to be fully domestic, but I'll complain about something that
is minute right and then not sensing that she's in
a space that she can't give me natural energy like Yo,
I was working on my earrings at the table, I'll

(41:07):
clean it up later or whatever. I realize that certain
things that I do I can't trigger her. So that's
one thing that like a conversation that we've had in
the past. The next thing is, don't try to handle
it in the moment, Like, don't try to handle it why.

Speaker 7 (41:20):
She's in that Yeah, because.

Speaker 6 (41:24):
If you're thinking about, like she can't even handle her
own emotions now, deal with my questions about what's going
on right now. Like that's the biggest thing, like I've
learned in that moment is catering to her and what
she's dealing with. The third thing I've also noticed is
that of you guys talked about routines earlier, we might

(41:45):
not necessarily have a routine, but I need to take
her out of the space that she's in. For Nika personally, she's.

Speaker 7 (41:51):
Traveling well every well.

Speaker 6 (41:54):
Funny use that the hotel thing recently, you have a
friend that wants to go to hotel every month, every month,
and Nigga's going to I'm going to makeup. I'm going
to Jamaica spend a week with my dad. I want
to buy bother me. That's what she said. She never goes,
but that's that's what she wants. She feels like she
needs to get away from this immediate area and whatever
is causing or triggering these emotions, which probably it is

(42:16):
really nothing.

Speaker 7 (42:17):
It's probably just the hormonal side effects.

Speaker 2 (42:19):
But can ask she's never actually gone?

Speaker 1 (42:20):
Can I ask a serious question, serious question to y'all ladies.
Do y'all hear all of the stuff that he has
to do as a man like to style step around
her emotions and hormone?

Speaker 3 (42:30):
Do y'all hear it? Right?

Speaker 1 (42:32):
This is part of the reason why Trip you said
it's hard for you standing relationships because you have to
do that with women too.

Speaker 3 (42:36):
Right.

Speaker 1 (42:38):
What I'm saying is, do y'all realize how much goes
into us being with you? And then when you say
to us like y'all just don't understand and you discard us.

Speaker 3 (42:45):
That's why it hurts so much. You understand what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (42:48):
I completely understand. That's why I said I don't want
to fall behind the veil of this is just what
I'm dealing with and you have to deal with it.
It's literally acknowledging that there's something going on right and
there needs to be a way to fix it. I
have to find a way to fix it right.

Speaker 1 (43:02):
But what I'm saying is is that when I asked, so,
what are you guys going to do to help us,
it automatically went to you should do this, don't do this,
don't do it. It went back to all the things I
have to style step.

Speaker 2 (43:13):
Well, then what do y'all need this? No, let me ask,
let me pose the question that way. What do y'all need?

Speaker 3 (43:19):
No?

Speaker 1 (43:19):
No, no, we want y'all to be okay. All we
want is for y'all to be okay. So what we're
saying is we don't know because we don't even know
how to address it. I don't ever want to I
don't even want to ask the question in a way
where you get offended, because then that puts us in
a cycle of arguing. So what I'm saying is that
as you understand and learn your body, you can tell
me how you know what I'm saying. How, But when

(43:40):
I ask you, like, yo, how are you going to
show up for me? I also want you to put
the same care into it the same way. See how
we had the style step and Josh is like, I
did this, I did this, I did that to make
sure she's good. It's like, okay, So now when it
comes to us trying to understand it, what's your plan
to help us? Your plan seemed like was more stuff
for us to do. And what I'm saying is some

(44:03):
of the stuff you said. When we try that, it
doesn't work.

Speaker 2 (44:06):
Okay, you know what I'm saying, So then count me in.
There's what thirty thirty one days in a month, count
me in for the other twenty one twenty two days.
That's when it's going to be my time to make
sure that I'm devoted to you and making sure that
you're going to get the things that you need. You
probably can't count on me while I'm on my cycle.
But if I'm going to be catering to you in
a moment where you feel like, Okay, at least I'm

(44:26):
getting some version of my wife for three fourths of
the month, then would that be suffice?

Speaker 7 (44:33):
But are we actually getting you for three fourths of
the month if there's other hormones of stuff that happened pre.

Speaker 3 (44:40):
Right, That's that's what we're saying.

Speaker 2 (44:42):
I'm allotting like a week because I say, I figure
it's like, you know, three or four days before the
cycle and then usually like my first two days. So
everyone's cycle is different, so I don't know how it
would work. Typically because some women are regular and they
bleed every month twice a month, three times a month.
I'm a pretty standard twenty eight day kind of girl.
So for me, I know that there's at least seven
to eight days where I'm just like pre period done.

(45:04):
So I can't speak for everyone, but my aim is
to once that's done, be able to regain and gain
control of my life and our interactions and making sure
that you're getting the most out of me in those
times where I know I'm in the clear, which is
typically right after my period leading up to a couple
of days before.

Speaker 4 (45:24):
I feel like that's fair because I think too this
these hormones are a little bit harder for somebody who
is in a relationship, like for me, I think lately
I'm in a cycle where I'm not having as many
emotional PMS symptoms, but I live by myself, so I
noticed that the days in the ludio phase. The days
before my period, my house is dirty, I'm eating constantly.

(45:49):
I'm like so tired. I'm not you know what I'm saying.
And I might start to feel like, oh my god,
am I dying because I'm really tired, And then my
period starts and all of a sudden, I'm like, oh,
I can cleave my apartment. I'm gonna cook some food.
When you're in a relationship, you're living with somebody, and
I can just do that because ain't nobody telling me
to clean shit up. Nobody's expecting me to cook, nobody's
expecting me to have any energy. But when you're in

(46:10):
a relationship, you're on the hook for somebody else during
that time, and it could just be harder on your
mental health. Now you can have more anxiety, because that's
what progesterone helps to control. It's your anxiety. Now you
got anxiety. Now you're feeling like frustrated or you're feeling depressed.

Speaker 2 (46:26):
Literally anxiety, frustrated. Those are exactly how I was feeling.

Speaker 4 (46:30):
Because there's nothing you can really do. Your body is
like no, sit down, you don't have it just and
you can't do that when you there's other people relying
on yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 (46:41):
Which is where I think what you said is fair,
and I think what Triple is saying makes the most sense.
And this is where the struggle comes in with relationships,
because what Matt was pointing out is if they're supposed
to be twenty one other days that we're supposed to
get because for those seven days, your spouse is supposed
to understand if she want to go on vacation, if
she want to do X, y Z, if she wanted
to do it, I got to let her do that

(47:01):
because she's going through something.

Speaker 3 (47:03):
But then here comes the twenty one days.

Speaker 1 (47:04):
When it starts, and then it's well, Kaz got to
do this, and then Coda got to do this, and
then me and me needs this. That's sometimes where the
disconnect happens because it's like you expect us to just
relinquish everything and let you have your space when you
need it, and it's like, cool, we've done that. So
then when it's our turn, then it's like, well, you
got to understand I was going through something and these
things are more important. Sometimes us as spouses are like

(47:28):
when is my reprieve right? And I'm not saying that
you don't deserve a reprieve. I'm saying women do deserve
a reprieve because you're going through it. What I'm saying
is that y'all also have to recognize that if you
do have a partner, you're asking your partner to be
your reprieve when you need it. But then when he's
supposed to get reprieve, understand it, you can't give him

(47:49):
his reprieve because you have other things to do.

Speaker 3 (47:51):
Well for us as men, but but for us as men.

Speaker 1 (47:54):
A lot of times, that's when we start to feel
like it's very one sided. And we're not trying to
discredit or discount you guys and what you're going through,
but it's like, at what point do matter?

Speaker 3 (48:06):
I matter? Thank you? You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (48:08):
And then even when you try to express that in
these conversations, the first thing you hear is will be
a man you acting like a boy, because a man
would understand, you know what I'm saying. But it's like,
so you guys are the only gender that get understanding.
That's how it comes across, not from you guys, because
we're actually talking about this, but these conversations like this

(48:28):
don't happen with this level of understanding often, you know
what I'm saying, Like, how many times have you seen
groups of women and men have this.

Speaker 3 (48:35):
And what happens? Defense? Defense, no understanding argue.

Speaker 1 (48:40):
That's why, you know, I just feel like it's important
to just express from a man's standpoint, how we feel.
I will honestly say, I never feel like that, because
you don't make me feel like that. We have the
conversations the same way, even with Trible. I can have
a conversation with Tribble about hormones, and we can talk
about statistics and stuff. What I'm saying is that a
lot of women need to hear that if you really

(49:01):
want to be in a relationship with anybody, man or woman,
you have to be willing to put your guard down
a little bit and say, you know what, I may
be going through something and my spouse and my partner,
we have to have conversations about it, yeah, you know,
rather than just yo, I'm dealing with this, I need
three four days you deal with that one like that.

Speaker 3 (49:20):
That can't be.

Speaker 2 (49:21):
No, it can't, you know. And I've had to check
myself on that because I realized, at least in the
past like two three months, that I've been a little funky,
not you know, funky mood.

Speaker 3 (49:31):
No, we know why, and I know why.

Speaker 2 (49:34):
Yeah, because there were also some other outside two that
I think heightened everything for me in the past two
or three months, right, lots of other like familial stuff.
My dad had a stroke, is that Tha went back
to school.

Speaker 3 (49:46):
Yeah, we were looking for the property. There were other
things that also affected the more.

Speaker 2 (49:50):
But I don't want to be the wife that's like, Babe,
you have to understand again because all these other things
are happening. Because what happens life is continually happening. There's
always it's something that's going to pop up, there's always
something that needs to be done. And with us, for example,
having a household with four children, two additional parents who
are like you know, we have to take care of

(50:10):
as well too. There are a lot of moving parts
and sometimes I'm overstimulated. I'm exhausted. I got so much happening.
And then I realized, like, I can't expect for you
to always be the one to understand. So more recently,
I'm like, I don't know if you've noticed or if
it's made an impact yet, because I know you like
consistency and it has to go for a certain amount
of time for you to see the change. But I've

(50:31):
been like, Babe, let's go here, Babe. I booked, you know,
a bay at Top Golf. Let's just get out the
house for a little bit, Babe. I'm going to Miami
for Christmas Birthday weekend. It's kind of a girl strip,
but you can come chill in the hotel and be
there while I'm you know, I'm trying to find ways
for you to see damn okay, Kate is trying to
prioritize me getting my alone quality time. That matters to you,

(50:53):
and it matters to me too, Like I don't want
you to feel like you're just existing and you're always
dropping to the end of the the total poll because
it isn't fair. But to your point, there are a
lot of people who aren't having the open conversations like this.
I think it's greatly helped us having the conversations and
me putting the defense down and really taking accountability for
how I've been, you know, for the past couple months,

(51:15):
so that way we can find some kind of solution.

Speaker 1 (51:18):
I agree that to me, that was the biggest thing,
and that's why I always applaud Josh, because Josh was
the one that used to be like Yode, the things
that are happening are not happening to you because of you.
There's something that's happening to her and the byproduct of that,
and you have to learn to understand that once it's
not happening to you. But then also don't just discard

(51:39):
it because it's not happening to you. And that's my
message to men would be like, yeah, the same way
your message is like, this isn't fair. We can't always
discard them. My message would be with the same thing
Josh told me. It's not happening to devour, It's happening
two k. So let's be in this together. So I
think that that, to me is the over arching conversation,
is that if you're married to someone and they're going through.

Speaker 3 (52:02):
Hormonal changes, they are not we are.

Speaker 1 (52:05):
You know what I'm saying. I feel like we are
going through same thing. With pregnancy, it was never your pregnant,
it was we're pregnant.

Speaker 3 (52:10):
You didn't have a child. We had a child.

Speaker 1 (52:12):
When you start taking that on as a man where
it's like us and it's our thing. Now you can
laugh at it a little bit because you like, what's happening. Well,
we got our hormones this month. And I did see
a couple of comments with a couple of men were
just like, you know, well, she don't respect you, she
would respect her boss if she goes to work and
stuff like that. And then I seen a couple of
women be like, no, anybody can get it on any giving.

Speaker 2 (52:36):
It's so true. My friend said she don't have no
meet and she was like, girl, I don't have a
conference call, don't clock me in. I'm i zooming nobody
on these days. You just don't want to be bothered
with people. I think it was your trying to find
that you had sent me a post on Instagram that
talked about like a man's hormonal clock. It's like daily women,
So men deal with hormonal things daily.

Speaker 3 (52:57):
Is that?

Speaker 2 (52:57):
Is that a true thing?

Speaker 3 (52:59):
Absolutely?

Speaker 1 (53:00):
I'll say honestly, When you wake up in the morning,
your testosterone super high, you feel like you can conquer
the world, like everything feels good. As your testosterone dips
throughout the day, especially at the end of the night,
your patients.

Speaker 3 (53:10):
Get low, you get irritable. It's it's a real thing.

Speaker 7 (53:13):
Don't look at your bank account.

Speaker 3 (53:15):
So bank account help affects out hormones big time. Okay, right, notification.

Speaker 1 (53:21):
Just imagine and this also was not an excuse. Imagine
your money low. You didn't have the kids all day
because your wife is on her menstrul So this like
the second day. She been in the dark for two
three days. You're not even talking. Kids on you, You
trying to pay bills, you ain't getting none. Now your
testosterone dip and then you go to say something, well, hey, babe,

(53:41):
can I get a hug? And it's like, don't fucking
touch me. Sometimes dudes be losing it too, bro, Like,
men have hormones.

Speaker 2 (53:48):
Too, you know what I'm sr So I found it.
So the men have a twenty four hour cycle, so
their testosterone peaks and it's the highest in the morning.
They feel focused, alert, ready to go. Midday it's still high.
You feel social, confident, and productive. By the afternoon it
starts to dip, so you start to feel more tired
and more quiet. You wind down to the night time
when it's its lowest, and that's when you're ready for sleep.

(54:09):
Is that why morning sets hits the way it does
for y'all?

Speaker 3 (54:12):
Absolutely, listen, my testosics high babies.

Speaker 2 (54:16):
I don't think de Val is not a typical twenty
four hour cycle mail he's high all the time. No,
I mean I don't ever feel like you're never not
high highest relative.

Speaker 1 (54:24):
I do have high tystostam, especially for someone my age.
You know, all of the lifting and all the years
of being an athlete and still running and.

Speaker 3 (54:31):
Stuff like that.

Speaker 1 (54:31):
But at night times I am more fatigued, Like I
get past six o'clock and it's like I'm not even
like huh, I don't want to go out no more.
Some days I don't even really want to eat. I'm
just you know, I'm just tired because there's so many
things that going throughout today on top of trying to
make sure And this is just if your dad or
your husband and you you try to sit in that

(54:53):
space where you want to protect everybody, you spend your
whole day worrying about everybody, parents, brothers, sisters, friends, you know, wife, kids,
job And what Josh said was so real.

Speaker 5 (55:06):
Yo.

Speaker 1 (55:07):
If you look in your bank account and it's not
where you want it to be, your testosterone automatically dips,
like it's.

Speaker 2 (55:13):
Just different triggers.

Speaker 1 (55:14):
It is a trigger, bro it's a real thing, and
then you be irritable and then people like what you're
invitable for and you just like, I RS took some money.

Speaker 3 (55:21):
You know, it's like it should be happening. Sometimes it happens.

Speaker 2 (55:24):
Yeah, that is a fact.

Speaker 3 (55:25):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (55:25):
So we're on a more twenty eight day cycle, so
it's like a week two week thing. I feel like
Follic Kuller cycle, which is when estraton is the highest.
You feel motivated, clear, and energize. That's like right after
right after onflow packs of bags and leaves towns reulation.

Speaker 3 (55:42):
Phase best seven days, Well, it goes.

Speaker 2 (55:45):
Into ovulation phase. That's when women typically have a spike
because that's when our bodies are trying to potentially have
a baby. And then all goes downhill. It's like you're
at the top of the roller coaster and it goes downhill.
Loulial phase, and then of course the mentoral phase. So
it's four different phases twenty eight days as you figure
a week for each.

Speaker 3 (56:02):
God bless us al please please all right.

Speaker 2 (56:08):
Also, I guess no op or no app, no op
or no opp for this episode. Since we had so
much to talk about, We're gonna take a quick break,
and we're gonna get back into a listener letter. All right,

(56:32):
and we're back. Let's dive in. Sorry this took so long.
I'm in a dilemma. Sorry, this is so long. I
took so longer where you've been?

Speaker 7 (56:39):
All right?

Speaker 2 (56:40):
Sorry this is so long. I'm in a dilemma. I'm
a fifty one year old female, married with three children,
and I look very good for my age. I'm gonna say,
get a girl, one married and one married and lives
out of state. Two girls, an eighteen year old and
a thirteen year old with autism. My husband and my
eighteen year old are both able bodied, but always calling

(57:01):
me asking me to do things like make them something
to eat, or bring them something, or ask to wash
your iron something. Now, as a mom and a wife,
I don't mind doing these things, but all day, every day,
I can't even sit and watch a show or a
movie without one of them calling me to ask me
for something. My twelve year old with autism is the

(57:21):
only one that I should be catering to like this
all the time, because she's not one hundred percent self sufficient.
I do these things not only because I want to
be sure I'm a good wife and a good mom,
but also to reach some type of benefit like a
nice birthday gift or a Mother's Day gift. But I
don't get either. I'm at a breaking point and ready
to tell them both no, do it or get it yourself.

(57:43):
My husband and I have not had sex.

Speaker 4 (57:45):
In four.

Speaker 2 (57:47):
Four years. It's not because of infidelity, because he's home
way too much to be cheating. There's a lot of wives,
way too much to be cheating. He's a diabetic and
overweight and on medication that is actually getting in the
way way of his sex drive. His doctor told him
what needs what he needs to do to get off
the meds by losing the weight and eating right to
be able to please his wife. But he's just being

(58:09):
selfish and not doing it. Yikes. I don't want to
divorce him or cheat on him, but he's making it
very difficult. I have a toy, but I'm tired of
being the only one giving myself an orgasm. I love
my family, but y'all, I'm tired. Kadeen, what would you
do in both of these scenarios and deval if you
were not willing to satisfy your wife? Do you expect
her to remain faithful to you.

Speaker 3 (58:30):
Wow. Wow, Wow.

Speaker 2 (58:32):
I have hinted around and talked to my husband so
many times and I'm done hinting and talking. I feel
like a maid, not a wife and a mom. Please help.

Speaker 6 (58:42):
I feel for her, man, Yeah, I know I feel
for her. I do ablebody, man, and an eighteen year
old not doing nothing? And you can't even get through
a TV show?

Speaker 3 (58:50):
There's no way.

Speaker 5 (58:51):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (58:52):
First of all, I say this all the time to
my Gladiator group.

Speaker 3 (58:55):
We talk about it all the time.

Speaker 1 (58:57):
You have a responsibility to be in a best shap
for your life, to be able to protect and provide
and be there for your family. Your wife has needs.
I say this all the time. Your wife has needs
just like you do. How you expect that woman to
get up to want to please you? If you're not
going to present yourself in the best way. That's that's
how I feel as a husband.

Speaker 3 (59:17):
Like give up?

Speaker 5 (59:17):
Bro?

Speaker 3 (59:18):
You feel like he did.

Speaker 6 (59:19):
He absolutely gave up because he doesn't since he's probably
on diabetic medicine, he can't operate like how he wants to,
so there's no need or drive to do so.

Speaker 7 (59:31):
So he gave up.

Speaker 2 (59:32):
You didn't give up on himself. Or his marriage.

Speaker 3 (59:34):
He gave herself. I agree he did.

Speaker 1 (59:37):
He did give because, like, like Josh said, if you
can work out and eat to get off the medication
to be able to have done, why are you not
doing it?

Speaker 2 (59:45):
I mean, some people are okay with being on the
medication and they use it as a crush like, oh
if I can just you know, gauge my sugar, I
know what I can't eat, and they just use it almost.

Speaker 3 (59:53):
Like absolutely, he gave up.

Speaker 1 (59:56):
Yeah, that's messed up, to be honest, that's messed up.
And she he said, I'm thinking about telling them no,
telling them no.

Speaker 2 (01:00:02):
Yeah, that was gonna be my advice. Girl, you got
to tell both of them though, the eighteen year old
and him, like that's crazy and vitalize that. You feel
like you're a maid in your own house. And then
you're not even appreciated, because she says she does these
things hoping to get some kind of acknowledgement, like a
birthday gift for mother's they give, and then you're not
even being acknowledged for it. Yeah, and it seems like
you spent along a large portion of at least your

(01:00:24):
eighteen year old's life, kind of making this a habit,
So it's going to be hard to break now and
watch them flip script and be like, mom's crazy, what's
mom going through? But mom's going through a lot.

Speaker 3 (01:00:33):
Yeah, maybe it's hormones.

Speaker 1 (01:00:35):
But I will say this though, if Homie got in
shape and gave us some dick, she wouldn't be complaining
about getting that food.

Speaker 3 (01:00:41):
That's really what it is ultimately. But you can't ask
me for a play and you ain't giving me no dick. Pause, right,
that's what she's saying. You know what I'm saying. Come on,
I got to be down here.

Speaker 1 (01:00:50):
You want me to get your food and you sitting
here like I understand where she's coming from.

Speaker 3 (01:00:54):
I don't.

Speaker 2 (01:00:55):
I'm it's giving family caucus, call them all to the
front on me.

Speaker 3 (01:00:59):
Wrong for that.

Speaker 6 (01:01:00):
That's one of the biggest probably misconceptions that women also
don't have sexual needs as well.

Speaker 7 (01:01:04):
Yeah, copy just does not get that.

Speaker 1 (01:01:06):
Yes, which is unfair. That's unfair. So my listen, I
don't ever push divorces on people. I don't I think this.
You need to first say no, have the conversation. Once
you've had conversations. If he's not willing to do the
things required of being a husband, then why stay marriage? Like,
that's not fair to stay in a relationship if you're

(01:01:26):
not gonna be partners. I'm not just gonna be here
and you accept all the things I'm willing to offer
and you not do nothing, I'll get a divorce.

Speaker 3 (01:01:33):
That's me.

Speaker 1 (01:01:34):
Like, if we're not gonna meet this and try, effort
is everything, Intent is everything.

Speaker 3 (01:01:40):
Now, impact is one.

Speaker 1 (01:01:41):
For example, if he's working out it he can't lose
the weight and you see him trying, that's different. But
you're gonna sit back and ask me to get you
food and nah, bro't And it goes both ways. I
know it's gonna be a lot of men. What if
it was a woman who iss to goes both ways?
Y'all decided to be together. Y'all both have needs and wants.
If one is purposely deciding that I'm not going to

(01:02:02):
even try, then that's you discernment and say that's not
the person I want to spend my life with.

Speaker 3 (01:02:07):
That's me.

Speaker 2 (01:02:08):
It's Josh like, Nope, that's not it's.

Speaker 3 (01:02:10):
Not fair, Bro, that's not fair. That does sound for me.
And she not even getting what you want. There's no
way there's.

Speaker 4 (01:02:19):
Four years crazy.

Speaker 2 (01:02:20):
Imagine that nobody's sex drive look like four years is crazy.

Speaker 3 (01:02:24):
That is crazy. I'm like, brother in law, Yo, what
are you doing? Bro?

Speaker 2 (01:02:27):
If it was your sister, my sister, I.

Speaker 1 (01:02:29):
Would definitely be like brother in law, what are you doing?
Like you say no, and I tell my sister like
go find somebody.

Speaker 2 (01:02:35):
Get it together?

Speaker 3 (01:02:36):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (01:02:37):
All right, y'all. Well good luck to you, sis. I
hope you at least start having that conversation because you
cannot continue like that for sure, for sure go crazy. Yeah,
if you want to be featured as a listener letter,
be sure to email us at the Ellis Advice at
gmail dot com.

Speaker 1 (01:02:54):
That's t h E E l l I S at
gmail dot com.

Speaker 3 (01:02:59):
No Helis, that's a.

Speaker 1 (01:03:08):
G E l U E l l I S A
d v I c E at Gmail.

Speaker 3 (01:03:17):
It's been a minute since we plotted, you know.

Speaker 2 (01:03:19):
Yeah, it's been a minute, you know, a minute coming
off of coming off of a rough last week. All right,
moment of truth time, moment of truth. Today, we're talking hormones,
we're talking all the things. What we got triple you
as something for us?

Speaker 4 (01:03:33):
What do I got?

Speaker 3 (01:03:34):
Uh man?

Speaker 4 (01:03:36):
Learn how to track your partner cycle? That's all I can.

Speaker 2 (01:03:39):
Say, I'm about to say, yeah, share the men and women.

Speaker 4 (01:03:42):
Yeah, track your partner cycles. Yeah, nobody's gonna have attitude
and be like I'm pms sing. They're gonna stab you,
and then they're gonna be like, sorry, man, I was
once you get out of the hospital.

Speaker 2 (01:03:56):
That's a fact for sure. I think mine we would
be don't wait till you're in the trenches, you know,
dealing with a hormonal moment to have the conversation about it.
I think if you're in a relationship with man, women, whoever,
be sure that you're having the conversation when everyone can
be a bit level headed and we can talk openly

(01:04:19):
about what this is. Because these are naturally occurring things
that we can't control to an extent. But if we
are able to, maybe we can devise a plan, especially
if you want to coexist, you know, amicably and lovingly
in a household together.

Speaker 3 (01:04:34):
I like that this is my moment of truth. Men
and women. Give each other grace.

Speaker 1 (01:04:42):
We're learning, we're evolving as people, and as we evolve
as people, let's do better of not shaming each other.
Give each other the latitude to learn, you know, women
need the latitude to go through their hormonal issues and
not feel guilted by it and not feel shamed. But
men also need the latitude to learn and understand and
make mistakes while they learn, and not feel shamed for

(01:05:02):
not knowing everything that y'all don't know yet. So I
think both genders need to give each other some grace,
get educated on what it is, and if you choose
to love women the way I love women, understand that
hormones come with it. It's fun on both ends, even
them dark days, even them dark days.

Speaker 3 (01:05:18):
Where you can make I G videos and make the
world laugh.

Speaker 1 (01:05:21):
It's fun. So it's not a daunting things. I don't
feel like you're gonna die and it's the worst thing.

Speaker 3 (01:05:26):
Oh yeah, your wife got hormones.

Speaker 2 (01:05:27):
Okay, it is what it is, right, and there is
light at the end of the tunnel. Is like I said,
once flow packs, so bags leaves.

Speaker 7 (01:05:34):
Honey, it needs to be a booty.

Speaker 1 (01:05:43):
That's typically how it goes back back into me at
the end of it.

Speaker 2 (01:05:48):
I have to make up for some lost time.

Speaker 1 (01:05:52):
You do a good job of that too, though I listen.
One thing I'll do is I'll give k credit. She'd
be acting batshit crazy in here sometimes going crazy, but
then when that thing be done, she'd be acting bast shit.

Speaker 2 (01:06:02):
Crazy and even even during my cycle. I know what
you require. So you told people.

Speaker 3 (01:06:12):
Nine thousand, y'all. Nine Josh, your mama told you. I'm trying.

Speaker 1 (01:06:21):
Were trying to help each other, our support group.

Speaker 2 (01:06:24):
Turn it up a bit. You know, it's still a
little swollen. You know what I'm saying. So use your imagination. Okay,
your imagination.

Speaker 4 (01:06:32):
Yo.

Speaker 6 (01:06:32):
He took my my moment of truth, which was grace.
I think we both need to have grace on both
sides when dealing with UH hormones. So as long as
you have grace for your partner and they have grace
for you, you'll be all right. But just don't let it
be one sided, because that's crazy to me.

Speaker 7 (01:06:53):
I don't know that I have one. But keep your
arms and feet inside the ride.

Speaker 2 (01:07:01):
That's great.

Speaker 3 (01:07:02):
That's all I got.

Speaker 2 (01:07:02):
It's great, Like I told you.

Speaker 1 (01:07:05):
Just like I'm rolling downstairs, I want to say, cut
so bad because I was fucking.

Speaker 3 (01:07:11):
Put on your seatbelt. We're ready to go, Ready to go.

Speaker 2 (01:07:15):
All right, y'all. Be sure to find us on Patreon
to see the after show and the other exclusive Ellis
Family content. We love y'all over there and you can
find us a social media as well. Our podcast page
is Ellis ever After. You can find me at Kadeen,
I am and I am Devo on all platforms.

Speaker 6 (01:07:32):
I'm going to score mad Do Ellis and I'm Josha
Underscore Dwayne and.

Speaker 4 (01:07:37):
I'm at Trips The Cool, t R, I B b
Z the Cool on everything.

Speaker 3 (01:07:41):
And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate,
review and.

Speaker 2 (01:07:45):
Subscribe and take me to Jamaica because clearly this is
a sign de val. You have on a Bob I
just noticed you have on a Bob Marley shirt and
I have on the Bob Marley just looked over and
I was like, oh shit, So yeah, I think this
is my that I needed to book a trip to Jamaica.
I'll go with a Nika. We'll go together and we'll
PMS and PMDD together. How about that cut I watch

(01:08:09):
your Friends.

Speaker 3 (01:08:14):
That's funny. That's funny.

Speaker 4 (01:08:18):
Ellis ever After is an iHeartMedia podcast. It's hosted by
Kadeen and Deval Ellis. It's produced by Triple Video Production
by Joshua Dwyane and Matthew Ellis video editing by Lashawan.

Speaker 5 (01:08:32):
Rowe Tuk Cop, toksp tak