November 2, 2023 • 27 mins
In the season one finale, BuyWell is bought out by a powerful consortium, and everyone must pull together to save their jobs. Plus Trump's lawyers, Travis Kelce's and Taylor Swift’s romance, and Britney Spears' new memoir.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Attention Shoppers. Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy
podcast about an official big box store. Any similarity to
real stores or real people is completely co incidental.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
So in the future, please do not take a lot
of cash out of the register so you can take
photos with it and make it rain. Ah, you know what,
who cares? None of this even really matters?
Speaker 3 (00:31):
Oh my good, he finally gave up.
Speaker 4 (00:33):
What uncharacteristic solemnity from you.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Jer Now, listen, guys. You may know that by Well
has been struggling nationwide. There's online shopping inflation, the roving
gangs of looters who attack our stores. We've been operating
at a loss for a while, and now it looks
like the board of directors have decided to sell our
real estate portfolio to a big consortium called a mass equity.
Speaker 5 (01:01):
So what the hell does that mean? The stora will
close and you'll be out of a job. Stakes two
right on, lewis nothing.
Speaker 6 (01:10):
We don't set everything by right.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Okay, let's get out there on the floor and get
to work.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Everybody, everybody, my god, Uh, I can't lose my job.
I owe my landlord like ten k and back rent
and I've already used the whole of the store I
worked for was shut down by a consortium.
Speaker 7 (01:34):
Excuse, Oh my god, I can't lose my job. I
won't be able to send my daughters to a small
for profit liberal arts college where the major in theater
and end up working as nannies for fifteen years.
Speaker 5 (01:43):
I can't lose my job. I'll have to go back
to selling this on the street again. I guess I
better start calling my old pimps, say if any of
them hadn't opening for a new bitch.
Speaker 4 (01:53):
Lord. No, I can't lose my job. My girlfriend in
Nigeria needs me to send her ten thousand this month
or she'll never be able to reclaim her family estate.
And now that I say it out loud, I realize
it's a scam.
Speaker 7 (02:07):
Okay, Jerry, Now you tell us about how you can't
lose your job.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Uh, well, you know, it's kind of a funny story.
My contract has what's called a golden parachute clause, which
means if Bywell gets bought out, I make somewhere in
the area a million dollars. Who cares, right, Okay, let's
get out to work and let's.
Speaker 5 (02:30):
Cry out Jerry Jerry. This fuck.
Speaker 4 (02:35):
You've been a reptillion elite.
Speaker 5 (02:37):
You know what.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
You all have been making fun.
Speaker 5 (02:39):
Of Jerry for years. Well it's Jerry who's laughing now.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Now you're all sorry you weren't nicer to old Jerry.
Speaker 7 (02:48):
Quit talking to the third person, Jerry.
Speaker 5 (02:50):
Liz, Jerry is rich.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
He can afford to talking the third person.
Speaker 5 (02:54):
Now, look who landed on boardwalking park place and now
he's wearing a top hat.
Speaker 4 (03:00):
Rich uncle penny Bags type by.
Speaker 7 (03:06):
Ooh, that Trump lawyer Sidney Powell pled guilty to helping
Trump try to overturn the election in Georgia. And she's
gonna testify. This could really help nail him.
Speaker 5 (03:16):
What a day, Liz. You had to start it, didn't you.
Why don't you wake up, Elizabeth? Every time Trump commits
a so called crime, he posts a tweet about it,
and they haven't nailed him yet. You better emotionally prepare
yourself Milania to redecorate the White House again. You better
do it.
Speaker 7 (03:34):
No those bleak ass Christmas trees. I won't have it.
Speaker 5 (03:37):
Money. It looked like a grown up version of Fao Schwartz.
If you took Christmas and all the teddy bears out
of it. That Sydney Powell, she flipped and Kenneth cheesebro too.
They went down, They went down, They went down. The
big boy hadn't gone down. As long as he is
still standing, then we're still good.
Speaker 7 (03:55):
Whatever, Arnold, I'm not gonna let you ran on my parade.
I cannot wait for these trials to get underwack. Me
and the other Facebook resistance moms are already planning our
victory party. We're gonna crack open a few bottles of
two buck chuck from Trader Joe's Wear are lock them
up cardigans and let it rip.
Speaker 4 (04:11):
I'm with you, Liz. I mean, all those people did
conspire to rig the election, but not for Trump. They
did it for the Rosicrucian brotherhood who secretly rules our
world behind the shadows.
Speaker 3 (04:22):
They only find her six thousand dollars six grand I've
had lash extensions that were more expensive than trying to
steal an election.
Speaker 5 (04:31):
Look, Sidney Powell was compromised from the start. She made
Trump look bad with all that talk about you go
chab bez and unleashing the crake in. She needs to
unleash the cosmetologist on those crazy eyes of hers. She
looks like Kathy Bates and misery right before she breaks
the ankles with the hammer. It's what she tried to
do to my president.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
This has got to be a weird case for a
probation officer. It's like, hey, have you been hanging out
near any polling places? Somebody saw you with a Dominu machine. Sidney.
You swore to me you were a clean.
Speaker 5 (05:00):
There were irregularities in the voting machines, and all of
you damn well know it. That is why I prefer
to vote the safe and secure way by writing my
vote on a folded scrap of paper and dropping it
into a big bowl or a cardboard box with a
slot on the top of it. That has worked when
every election since kindergarten, all the way up, all the
way up through the daytime, bar staff shift and there
(05:22):
is no reason to move on past it.
Speaker 4 (05:24):
I went to the bathroom once at the Amaco, and
there was the wall had a little slot in it,
and you were there, Arnold. Was that like a voting booth.
Speaker 7 (05:34):
Sounds like lovers were being pulled in some capacity.
Speaker 5 (05:37):
Yes, well, that is what you call free and fair elections.
You might have seen some hanging Chad's, a few hanging Chad's, Tom's, Billy's.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
If I've learned anything from dating older men and being
forced to watch Mafia movies, it's when people start to flip,
is right when it gets good. We're about to be
at the part where Trump runs from helicopters and shoots
a mountain full of cocaine with an oozy r.
Speaker 7 (06:00):
I'm so on lawyer flipping on him though. It is
like the best kind of story. It's like a crossover
of my two favorite shows, Law and Order, Criminal Intent
and Inside with Jensaki. I mean, you can't get better
than this.
Speaker 4 (06:11):
I mean, thank god she took a plea, though. If
Earth officials imprisoned Sydney Powell, the military response from her
home planet would have annihilated us.
Speaker 7 (06:20):
All, Victor, you're on another level today, man. What'd you
have for breakfast?
Speaker 4 (06:24):
Oh? Uh, just some homemade Havelna sausage. The Havelina is
a small South Texan desert hog. I butcher them and
make my own sausages.
Speaker 7 (06:34):
We live in Pennsylvania. Do you bring that meat back
from trips to Texas? I'm so confused. Is there a
Havelna sausage delivery service?
Speaker 4 (06:43):
I just got a guy who drives it up for me.
Granted he doesn't have any refrigeration in his automobile, but
that's the whole point of sausage, right, it's aged meat.
Oh lord, I am seeing things today.
Speaker 5 (06:55):
Are these hogs still living and breathing with hair on
their backs? Or are you just getting trucks full of
strain meat.
Speaker 4 (07:00):
I'm not out here HEARDing these hogs around. Yeah, it's
a very civilized vehicle full of loose heavelena meat.
Speaker 5 (07:06):
Oh lord, I tell you all this talk of a
truck full of hog meat and all this cheese flipping,
I'm gonna have to get myself back to the meat room, y'all.
Excuse me, I'm getting hungry.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Bye.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
Well, oh my god, look at this. An NFL marketing
exec just made a statement that they had nothing to
do with Travis Kelsey dating Taylor Swift. Duh, nobody has
power over Taylor. She's more powerful than God. If Taylor
told me to kill my firstborn, by the time she
told me not to, he would already be dead. Okay,
they cut to her like seventeen times during the game.
(07:41):
They should just have a separate tailor cam.
Speaker 7 (07:43):
Honestly, Yeah, my daughter's Annie and Tory keep me up
on all the tailor news, and I think this is
definitely an upgrade for her. I mean, you could fit
Joe Jonas, John Mayer and Harry Styles into Travis Kelsey's
left thigh.
Speaker 3 (07:56):
Yes, he's so hot. He can totally put off that
weird mustache that makes him look like an undercover hop
who's too racist to go undercover.
Speaker 4 (08:03):
So hot y'all gabbing about Tay Trav I couldn't help
over here. And lord, this couple here is in the
media so much it's impossible not to think about them
making love, Am I right? I mean we've all imagined it,
the way Kelsey's muscles flex against Taylor's supple arms, the
rough contact of his beard against her ruby red lips.
(08:27):
I was up late last night and I actually did
some sketches if y'all want to see.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
Oh my god, Victor Whiers, there's squid tensacles. What is this?
Speaker 4 (08:35):
I'm sorry, some different sketches.
Speaker 5 (08:38):
Excuse me, he's doing his charcoal crackings again.
Speaker 4 (08:41):
I've got krackings on the brain, y'all.
Speaker 5 (08:44):
Look, I'll say this, Taylor Swift and I might not
have much in common, but we both love a good
tied end. Whoa I tell you, honey, I was a
center back in high school. I still remember how to
put them long snaps down on the field. That Travis
Kelcey watching the play by play. I'm watching the slow
motion playback half back Power thirty six, honey.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
Yes, yes, Travis Kelsey dating Taylor Swift has made me
love football now. I can't wait for Travis to dunk
another ball in the m zones. I just love how
he receives and like gifts. It's such a generous part.
Speaker 7 (09:20):
I don't think NFL executives had anything to do with
putting Travis Kelcey and Taylor Swift together. I mean, the
only time executives at the NFL get involved in their players'
relationships is when they're trying to beat the allegations.
Speaker 5 (09:30):
Honey. You know what they're doing. They're trying to get
a new demographic watch in football exactly, so I'm excused
to say, oh, girls, watch football. They parade those two out,
they might as well have had Taylor Swift come out
in the field and fake an injury like half of
them do. I'm surprised they haven't brought Barbara streisand out
to throw passes to share.
Speaker 4 (09:49):
Y'all are very right. They should micro cast to all
the different demographics that their sport has not yet reached.
I'd watch football more if the national anthem were sung
by Gall, the lead singer of the Norwegian black metal
band Gorgoroth.
Speaker 5 (10:04):
Well, I've got a quick fix if you want ten
percent more male viewers of professional football. Is the game
that the player shouldn't stop with the tackle. There should
be a tackle on the field and then you just
see what happens right after it keeps going and going
and going. You take a commercial break, and you come
back and they're still at it.
Speaker 4 (10:21):
See this is what I'm saying. I wish the NFL
would try to market to my demographic. I would watch
a lot more games if they dressed the players as
the armies of famous ancient battles. Tonight, the Steelers will
be dressed as the Carthaginians in the Battle of Kna
in Bcee. Now that, now that's a throwback Jersey.
Speaker 5 (10:39):
I'dwhere you know, every person from Hannibal on down to
the lunch boy at the Battle of Kna was gay.
Every single one of them was gay.
Speaker 4 (10:48):
Every legionary and every member of Hannibal's army, you know,
fought to the death and then continue to completion, so
to speak.
Speaker 5 (10:56):
As I understand it, even Hannibal's elephants were mounting each other.
Speaker 4 (10:59):
They mounted the alps and then each other by.
Speaker 7 (11:05):
So that guy Bill Chatter from a mass Equity is
here today to look at the property. If we can
convince him that buy well is a bad investment, a
mass might just cancel the purchase. A witch of Sary
comes here, comes, he comes.
Speaker 5 (11:16):
From Bill, you know who?
Speaker 2 (11:17):
You remind me of the best friend I had growing up.
You're funny in the same way that he was.
Speaker 8 (11:24):
I haven't said a word since I got here. You
started talking the minute they walked in the door.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Totally, totally, you know, it's just your general vibe. So
so you can set up here in the break room.
Can I get you anything? Herbal tea alcohol? I give
a great BackRub.
Speaker 8 (11:41):
Yeah, yeah, I think I saw a Panera bread on
the way into town. Could you go get me a
coffee from there?
Speaker 2 (11:47):
Well, there is a coffee machine right here, and that
Panera is forty five minutes away, but you got it.
I'll be back hours from now.
Speaker 5 (11:58):
You got that, good job, Jerry.
Speaker 8 (12:00):
Okay, let me just sit down here and flip the
old laptop, get some work hours in here. Well, he's
out of me here. I'm gonna boot this up here.
Windows familiar boot screen here, Windows. Okay, we've got to
put a password in here, so it's cheddar better forty
nine booting up here.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
Hi, I'm Shilah. I heard your company is buying this place,
and I just thought I should warn you that this
is a really bad neighborhood. My cousin was shot and
stabbed here. She died a They made one of those
like shrines with all of the candles of her, but
they used like a really ugly photo. They wouldn't use
the one I submitted that had like perfect side boob
(12:44):
and it was so sad. Anyway, you see those shrines
of all those like dead kids all the time here,
and I accidentally kicked them over while I'm walking here,
and then it starts fires and it kills more kids.
It's just like a bad vibe.
Speaker 5 (12:55):
Yeah, okay, yeah, I'm sorry for your loss.
Speaker 8 (12:58):
Yeah, we know the neighborhood is bad by but he
turns over lower cub areas. It's called gentrification. Soon all
those crack houses will be pottery barks. Okay, and the
little memorials. We're going to incorporate that into some kind
of large corporate cement park.
Speaker 4 (13:11):
Well sir, hey, hey there, if you're interested in buying
this building, I have to tell you I've been doing
maintenance here for years and this building has bad bones.
And see how the wall gives a little bit when
you hit it with this sledge hammer here. Yeah, I
figured we're a couple months away from this entire d
if it's collapsing and killing hundreds, it is on its
(13:34):
last seelings.
Speaker 5 (13:37):
Thank you.
Speaker 8 (13:37):
Okay, Yeah, we know the building is a pile of shit.
We're tearing it down. We just went to land.
Speaker 7 (13:43):
I've been doing a little research, and I hope your
appraisal of this property is subject to a detailed amortization
before you put it into escrow, because the market is
very liquid right now and commodities like this aren't likely
to yield a capital gain.
Speaker 5 (13:55):
Okay, nothing you just said made any sense.
Speaker 8 (13:57):
You just struggle a bunch of words together by talking
to it chat GPT here.
Speaker 7 (14:01):
All right, Listen, they say that prompting the chat GPT
is something we're all gonna have to learn to do better.
And it was my first time.
Speaker 5 (14:09):
Yeah, sure, might be actually a growth market. If you're
looking for work, which you're gonna be soon. Listen, I'll
suck your dick if you cancel the sale. Tempting, but no, sorry.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
I got twenty miles down the road and I realized
I forgot to ask if you take milk and sugar
or do you prefer Stevia instead? They don't have that
at Panera. But I can make an extra stop.
Speaker 5 (14:31):
Yeah, you know, stop at another place. Get stop at
a local grocer that's gonna last through the year, Get
some Stevia separately the checkout asle or whatever, and get
me the pen out Panera. You know, Pericameric.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Coffee Stevia from a local grocer. You got it?
Speaker 9 (14:47):
Bill, Bye, bye, Oh my god.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
Did you guys see Biten flew into Israel without military protection.
I'm sorry. The only times I don't use protection is
when I'm trying to get an old guy to pay
my rent. This is crazy. Wait, didn't he go to
Ukraine a couple months ago in the middle of a bombing.
It's like he's begging for death to hurry up and
take him.
Speaker 7 (15:16):
Yeah, I really wish Joe wouldn't take risks like this,
like going to Ukraine, going to Israel, walking down long
flights of stairs, riding a bike, staying up past eight.
He shouldn't be doing this kind of stuff.
Speaker 3 (15:28):
Honestly, the same thing happened with my grandma when when
she turned eighty we had to take all of the
birthday candles off of her cake because she kept trying
to light her wig on fire and end it all.
Speaker 4 (15:37):
The fact that they sent one of the Biden clones
to Israel doesn't impress me. What impresses me is that
they aged it up from a baby that quickly. They
must have like dozens of hatchlings in a secret facility
underneath the Pentagon, just ready to go. I mean, you
can tell it's young because every time you see the
clone Bidens, they have the speech patterns of a three
(15:59):
to four year old.
Speaker 5 (16:00):
He was probably just in the Ukraine to get the
rest of Hunter Biden's laptop. But if there are any
more Hunter's dudes in there, they should be released to America,
or at the very least to me. At Arnold Palmham
sixty nine at Earthlink.
Speaker 7 (16:12):
Dot Nea I mean, I do think we should give
an eighty year old man some credit for going into
two war zones without military protection. I mean, I know
forty year old Republicans who won't even go into Pittsburgh
to the Hockey Arena to see Keith Urban.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
I don't know. I don't think it's that brave for
old people to do dangerous things. What are they risking,
like two good Tuesdays.
Speaker 4 (16:32):
The US shouldn't be sending eighty year olds into war
zones anyhow. That's what we have eighteen year olds for,
although we could send like a strike force of eighty
year olds to sort of provide a human shield for
the rest of the younger force, a specially trained unit
of octogenarians.
Speaker 5 (16:51):
Y'all. He visited that war zone the way a person
on a carnival cruise visits a foreign country. He was
there for six damn hours that he's stuck to the
gift shops near the boat, you know he did.
Speaker 4 (17:02):
Yeah, he definitely came back from Israel with like a magnet.
Speaker 3 (17:05):
Oh my god, wait, is that why Joe Biden had
his hair and cornrows? I saw that picture going around Twitter.
That makes so much sense.
Speaker 4 (17:13):
Did you have a shirt that said one tequila, two tequila,
three tequila floor.
Speaker 7 (17:17):
I definitely saw a pookashell necklace at some point. I
just don't get why this couldn't have been a phone call.
Old people love phone calls. I just spent fifty minutes
on a FaceTime with my mom's forehead.
Speaker 5 (17:27):
Biden's about to give himself a series of medals for this,
just for going on a little pleasure cup. Save it, please.
So many people hate Trump. Everywhere he goes as a
war zone, and he wears a bright red target on
his head and paints himself orange. Now that is courage,
not Joe Biden stumbling around like naked gun.
Speaker 4 (17:46):
I myself have never been to a war zone. The
most dangerous trip I've taken was a psychedelic journey inside myself,
where I gazed into the darkness of my very own
soul and cried publicly. During a screening of Madagas Call
Her Too Escape to Africa.
Speaker 7 (18:02):
That one has the best soundtrack.
Speaker 4 (18:05):
I do like to move it, Move it, oh man.
Speaker 7 (18:12):
I need a new tub book. You know the books
I read while I'm having a bubble bath. Should I
get the new Jada Pinkett Smith memoir where she talks
about her experiences with ayahuasca, or the new Britney Spears
memoir that's read by Michelle Williams because Britney said it
would be too heartbreaking to read herself. This is tough,
This is tough.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
I like Data Pinkett Smith's book. She said she was
dealing drugs even when her movie career took off in
the eighties.
Speaker 9 (18:38):
That's wild.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
That's like if I was buying weed from Millie Bobby Brown.
Speaker 7 (18:43):
Yeah. I just thumbed through the Jada a little bit
and she talks about ayahuasca, but she calls it mother aya,
which is pretty much why you don't do ayahuasca.
Speaker 3 (18:51):
Honestly, I'm just jealous. It's so hard to find good
ayahuasca and Pennsylvania. The closest I got was an expired gatorade.
It did make me vomit and love my mom. He though.
Speaker 4 (19:00):
Yeah, it's hard to find good Pennsylvania a huasca mostly
just a gas station vapes or the closest you can get.
But I am interested in that. Jada Pinkett Smith. When
I hear she talks about her relationship with Will and
their separation, I know I relate it sucks to love
someone but not be able to be near them, And
(19:20):
that is why I've set up that shrine to Emma
Stone in my house. If anyone sees a La La
land standee in the loading dock, that's mine.
Speaker 5 (19:29):
Oh I tell you. If I ever see the two
of them, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith march themselves
here into by Well ever again, then I will make
a point to walk out and say something tart and
sassy about Jada Pinkett Smith, just so I can get
slapped by Will Smith in front of everybody. Jada keeps
saying she's trapped in a loveless marriage. Newsflash, honey, Will
(19:53):
Smith is gay. All of his movies sound like gay
Porno's Bad Boys, Wild Wild West Many, Honey, the legend
of Bagger Vance more like the legend of t Bagger Vance.
Speaker 3 (20:06):
Look, it's not Will's fault. She's weird. Okay. This is
just the kind of woman you end up with when
you get set to live with your uncle in bel Air,
even though he was in West Philadelphia, born and raised
on the playground, spending most of his days.
Speaker 7 (20:21):
I really connect with a lot of what Jada has
to say, though you guys. She says, her and will
Smith are separated in every way except legally. That's just
like me and Jamethie. That's kind of where the similarities end.
Jameithee is less Will Smith and more Paul Giamatti. My
goal is to read her book and become as zen
as she is about life, where I can start calling
hookups with other people entanglements.
Speaker 4 (20:43):
I also relate a great deal, but that's only because
I call my Emma Stone Shrine the red table.
Speaker 5 (20:49):
Honey, I have experienced. I used to be a jobber
back in the nineteen eighties in local Georgia Resden. And
let me tell you something. When I look at Will Smith,
I see the same thing as when I looked at
Lex Luger or ravishing Rick Rude. That man is straight
right until they cut to commercial.
Speaker 7 (21:05):
But I'm probably gonna read the Britney one. I am
huge in the Free Britney movement. I was virtually protesting
for her to get out of her conservatorship.
Speaker 4 (21:14):
Oh I'm all about free Brittany. Heck yeah, I hate conservatorships.
I won't let the government tell me what to do.
That's why I had myself legally declared a religious organization,
so I don't have to pay taxes. My body is
literally a temple visited by various Latvians annually.
Speaker 3 (21:32):
That's so smart. I wish my body could be as Humple,
but it's filled with too much Arizona iced tea and cheetos.
Speaker 4 (21:37):
Don't count yourself out. I eat a lot of weird things,
but I'm still technically a temple to the Latvian pagan
goddess of Mara.
Speaker 5 (21:44):
Pardon me. But when it comes to Britney Spears, Oops,
I didn't care again that bitch. I have had enough
of her. If I want to see a middle aged
woman dancing in a leopard thong, I will wait for
Thanksgiving after eight pm and hide my aunt Sally's medication.
Speaker 3 (22:00):
Oh my god, how dare you? I love Brittany. I
don't care if her book is just to run on
sentences and a recipe for candles. I don't care if
it's a bunch of misspelled stories about how she found
a potato chip that looked like her dog. Okay, I
am buying it.
Speaker 7 (22:14):
Yeah, and I'm gonna listen to the audiobook. I mean,
who better to voice Britney Spears's memoir than the actress
from Shutter Island. It is Michelle Williams, the actress. By
the way, it's not the quiet one from Destiny's Child.
Speaker 4 (22:25):
Well, I can see why they hired Michelle Williams. If
they kept Brittany as the reader, they'd have to cut
out three and a half hours just of pure vocal fry.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
That is the sound angels make when their wings flap.
I am so tired.
Speaker 7 (22:39):
Yeah, I don't need the Britney Hayten here right now.
Speaker 5 (22:41):
Victor too bad. I know what she went through. She
says she was exploited. Well, honey, I've been exploited too,
and I didn't make a million dollars doing it. I
wore pigtails in the schoolgirl outfit and everything, and all
I got was an STD test.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
That's not true. You got an STD test in a
bus pass. You told me about that night, Arnold.
Speaker 7 (22:58):
I find it hard to believe, Arnold, that Britney has
brought you zero joy down at Crystal's. There's never been
a night where Britney's been playing and something good's gone
down for you.
Speaker 5 (23:07):
There is an endless loop at Crystal's. Early Britney Spears
and Destiny's Child over and over and over and over again.
I have to go into that bar and light my
cigarette and put on headphones. I'll tell you how you
put a ring on it. Down at Crystals. You wait
until two thirty when they send all they send everybody
(23:28):
away that it's not a regular, and then you can
get away with just about anything. Right there in the bathroom,
the lights are on for thirty more minutes. Whoo, I'll
put a ring on it.
Speaker 8 (23:37):
Bye bye.
Speaker 7 (23:45):
You know, I hated every minute of working at this place,
but now I don't want to leave for purely financial reasons.
Speaker 5 (23:52):
I'm gonna miss all of you, but I'm gonna mis
receiving a paycheck most of all. Now I'm gonna have
to be the sugar baby out there.
Speaker 3 (23:59):
This is going to ruin me. If I can't steal
from the Bible pharmacy, my entire drug operation is going
to fall apart. My customers need their fentanel. You guys,
speech and debate teams need their Adderall cheating husbands need
their vowtrex.
Speaker 9 (24:13):
I need Santax.
Speaker 3 (24:14):
Oh my god, I can't do this.
Speaker 4 (24:16):
We all came here for the paycheck, but it's the
friends we made along the way. Oh who am I kid?
You guys are not going to stay in touch.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
And that's why I want you to be the godfather
of my child.
Speaker 8 (24:30):
Jerry, for the third time, my answer is no, you
don't even have a kid.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Okay, well, I'm gonna put you down as a Maybe
you and I have great banter, but let's get down
to business. When will the sale go through? And follow
up question, when do you think I'll receive a check?
Because I've got a golden parachute and I am ready
to jump out of that golden plane.
Speaker 5 (24:53):
Bill, we're not going through with the sale. What did
you hear? What he says? Why I don't like you.
Speaker 8 (24:59):
I was just saying here to appraise the property, but
after meeting you had suffering through your inanities for a
full eight hours. I'm recommending me buy out a different
retail chain.
Speaker 7 (25:08):
Yes, yes, Oh my god, Jerry's personality finally pays off.
Speaker 4 (25:13):
I knew it.
Speaker 5 (25:15):
That's the sound of a golden parachute hitting pay dirt. Bill,
you can't do this.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
I already put a down payment on a McLaren sports car.
I just drived it. I had an erection the entire time.
Speaker 8 (25:29):
I don't know why you would want to put half
of the entire million dollars into a McLaren. You can't
even get it fixed. I've had two McLaren's. I had
to trade them in for lamboats. Let me tell you, Jerry,
everybody who needs to hear this, My company is monolithic.
Speaker 5 (25:42):
We are unassailable. Okay.
Speaker 8 (25:43):
We could do crazy stuff like anything we want. So
that's why I love my job. You all can enjoy
your sad little lives of toil and drudgery. I got
a helicopter waiting for me on the roof, you know.
Let me just log out of my laptop.
Speaker 3 (25:57):
Here, wait, mister tutter, take me with you.
Speaker 8 (26:01):
Sorry, honey, I you already got a wife and two mistresses. Goodbye,
everybody that's been a slice of cheddar.
Speaker 5 (26:08):
Thank you very much.
Speaker 4 (26:09):
Oh Jerry, I realize you're hurting right now, but I
have to ask. Can we all go look at that helicopter?
Speaker 5 (26:14):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (26:14):
Go ahead, you can look at the helicopter. Yeah, Hey, Liz,
aren't you gonna go watch the helicopter?
Speaker 7 (26:21):
Jerry, you betrayed us, you sold us out, You almost
destroyed our lives, and you didn't even seem to care.
Speaker 5 (26:30):
Yeah, I'm sorry, It's fine.
Speaker 7 (26:33):
I would have done the same thing. Give me Wednesday
off and we'll call it even Wednesday.
Speaker 5 (26:38):
Oh yeah, sure, all.
Speaker 7 (26:41):
Right, see you tomorrow. And Jerry, one more thing?
Speaker 5 (26:44):
What's that?
Speaker 2 (26:45):
Liz?
Speaker 7 (26:46):
Your flies down again?
Speaker 5 (26:47):
God damn?
Speaker 6 (26:48):
It by employees Only is produced by Imagine Audio and
Pretty Fast for iHeartMedia. Produced by Timothy Furnara. The associate
producer is Wesley Hayes. It is executive produced by Ron Howard,
Brian Grazerkarra Welker, Nathan Cloke and Jared Logan. Editing by
(27:09):
Timothy Furnara, Mixing by j Palizi, casting by Sherry Henderson.
Original music composed by Alloy Tracks. Liz is played by
Kara klink. Brich is played by Kurt Brunneller. Victor is
played by Ross Bryant. Marcia is played by Madison Shepherd.
Arnold is played by James Adomian. Nia is played by
(27:30):
Keisha Zoler, Shilah is played by Suba Argowall, and Darry
is played by Jared Logan.
Speaker 9 (27:36):
Bye Wa
Attention Shoppers. Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy
podcast about an official big box store. Any similarity to
real stores or real people is completely co incidental.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
So in the future, please do not take a lot
of cash out of the register so you can take
photos with it and make it rain. Ah, you know what,
who cares? None of this even really matters?
Speaker 3 (00:31):
Oh my good, he finally gave up.
Speaker 4 (00:33):
What uncharacteristic solemnity from you.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Jer Now, listen, guys. You may know that by Well
has been struggling nationwide. There's online shopping inflation, the roving
gangs of looters who attack our stores. We've been operating
at a loss for a while, and now it looks
like the board of directors have decided to sell our
real estate portfolio to a big consortium called a mass equity.
Speaker 5 (01:01):
So what the hell does that mean? The stora will
close and you'll be out of a job. Stakes two
right on, lewis nothing.
Speaker 6 (01:10):
We don't set everything by right.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Okay, let's get out there on the floor and get
to work.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Everybody, everybody, my god, Uh, I can't lose my job.
I owe my landlord like ten k and back rent
and I've already used the whole of the store I
worked for was shut down by a consortium.
Speaker 7 (01:34):
Excuse, Oh my god, I can't lose my job. I
won't be able to send my daughters to a small
for profit liberal arts college where the major in theater
and end up working as nannies for fifteen years.
Speaker 5 (01:43):
I can't lose my job. I'll have to go back
to selling this on the street again. I guess I
better start calling my old pimps, say if any of
them hadn't opening for a new bitch.
Speaker 4 (01:53):
Lord. No, I can't lose my job. My girlfriend in
Nigeria needs me to send her ten thousand this month
or she'll never be able to reclaim her family estate.
And now that I say it out loud, I realize
it's a scam.
Speaker 7 (02:07):
Okay, Jerry, Now you tell us about how you can't
lose your job.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Uh, well, you know, it's kind of a funny story.
My contract has what's called a golden parachute clause, which
means if Bywell gets bought out, I make somewhere in
the area a million dollars. Who cares, right, Okay, let's
get out to work and let's.
Speaker 5 (02:30):
Cry out Jerry Jerry. This fuck.
Speaker 4 (02:35):
You've been a reptillion elite.
Speaker 5 (02:37):
You know what.
Speaker 2 (02:38):
You all have been making fun.
Speaker 5 (02:39):
Of Jerry for years. Well it's Jerry who's laughing now.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Now you're all sorry you weren't nicer to old Jerry.
Speaker 7 (02:48):
Quit talking to the third person, Jerry.
Speaker 5 (02:50):
Liz, Jerry is rich.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
He can afford to talking the third person.
Speaker 5 (02:54):
Now, look who landed on boardwalking park place and now
he's wearing a top hat.
Speaker 4 (03:00):
Rich uncle penny Bags type by.
Speaker 7 (03:06):
Ooh, that Trump lawyer Sidney Powell pled guilty to helping
Trump try to overturn the election in Georgia. And she's
gonna testify. This could really help nail him.
Speaker 5 (03:16):
What a day, Liz. You had to start it, didn't you.
Why don't you wake up, Elizabeth? Every time Trump commits
a so called crime, he posts a tweet about it,
and they haven't nailed him yet. You better emotionally prepare
yourself Milania to redecorate the White House again. You better
do it.
Speaker 7 (03:34):
No those bleak ass Christmas trees. I won't have it.
Speaker 5 (03:37):
Money. It looked like a grown up version of Fao Schwartz.
If you took Christmas and all the teddy bears out
of it. That Sydney Powell, she flipped and Kenneth cheesebro too.
They went down, They went down, They went down. The
big boy hadn't gone down. As long as he is
still standing, then we're still good.
Speaker 7 (03:55):
Whatever, Arnold, I'm not gonna let you ran on my parade.
I cannot wait for these trials to get underwack. Me
and the other Facebook resistance moms are already planning our
victory party. We're gonna crack open a few bottles of
two buck chuck from Trader Joe's Wear are lock them
up cardigans and let it rip.
Speaker 4 (04:11):
I'm with you, Liz. I mean, all those people did
conspire to rig the election, but not for Trump. They
did it for the Rosicrucian brotherhood who secretly rules our
world behind the shadows.
Speaker 3 (04:22):
They only find her six thousand dollars six grand I've
had lash extensions that were more expensive than trying to
steal an election.
Speaker 5 (04:31):
Look, Sidney Powell was compromised from the start. She made
Trump look bad with all that talk about you go
chab bez and unleashing the crake in. She needs to
unleash the cosmetologist on those crazy eyes of hers. She
looks like Kathy Bates and misery right before she breaks
the ankles with the hammer. It's what she tried to
do to my president.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
This has got to be a weird case for a
probation officer. It's like, hey, have you been hanging out
near any polling places? Somebody saw you with a Dominu machine. Sidney.
You swore to me you were a clean.
Speaker 5 (05:00):
There were irregularities in the voting machines, and all of
you damn well know it. That is why I prefer
to vote the safe and secure way by writing my
vote on a folded scrap of paper and dropping it
into a big bowl or a cardboard box with a
slot on the top of it. That has worked when
every election since kindergarten, all the way up, all the
way up through the daytime, bar staff shift and there
(05:22):
is no reason to move on past it.
Speaker 4 (05:24):
I went to the bathroom once at the Amaco, and
there was the wall had a little slot in it,
and you were there, Arnold. Was that like a voting booth.
Speaker 7 (05:34):
Sounds like lovers were being pulled in some capacity.
Speaker 5 (05:37):
Yes, well, that is what you call free and fair elections.
You might have seen some hanging Chad's, a few hanging Chad's, Tom's, Billy's.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
If I've learned anything from dating older men and being
forced to watch Mafia movies, it's when people start to flip,
is right when it gets good. We're about to be
at the part where Trump runs from helicopters and shoots
a mountain full of cocaine with an oozy r.
Speaker 7 (06:00):
I'm so on lawyer flipping on him though. It is
like the best kind of story. It's like a crossover
of my two favorite shows, Law and Order, Criminal Intent
and Inside with Jensaki. I mean, you can't get better
than this.
Speaker 4 (06:11):
I mean, thank god she took a plea, though. If
Earth officials imprisoned Sydney Powell, the military response from her
home planet would have annihilated us.
Speaker 7 (06:20):
All, Victor, you're on another level today, man. What'd you
have for breakfast?
Speaker 4 (06:24):
Oh? Uh, just some homemade Havelna sausage. The Havelina is
a small South Texan desert hog. I butcher them and
make my own sausages.
Speaker 7 (06:34):
We live in Pennsylvania. Do you bring that meat back
from trips to Texas? I'm so confused. Is there a
Havelna sausage delivery service?
Speaker 4 (06:43):
I just got a guy who drives it up for me.
Granted he doesn't have any refrigeration in his automobile, but
that's the whole point of sausage, right, it's aged meat.
Oh lord, I am seeing things today.
Speaker 5 (06:55):
Are these hogs still living and breathing with hair on
their backs? Or are you just getting trucks full of
strain meat.
Speaker 4 (07:00):
I'm not out here HEARDing these hogs around. Yeah, it's
a very civilized vehicle full of loose heavelena meat.
Speaker 5 (07:06):
Oh lord, I tell you all this talk of a
truck full of hog meat and all this cheese flipping,
I'm gonna have to get myself back to the meat room, y'all.
Excuse me, I'm getting hungry.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Bye.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
Well, oh my god, look at this. An NFL marketing
exec just made a statement that they had nothing to
do with Travis Kelsey dating Taylor Swift. Duh, nobody has
power over Taylor. She's more powerful than God. If Taylor
told me to kill my firstborn, by the time she
told me not to, he would already be dead. Okay,
they cut to her like seventeen times during the game.
(07:41):
They should just have a separate tailor cam.
Speaker 7 (07:43):
Honestly, Yeah, my daughter's Annie and Tory keep me up
on all the tailor news, and I think this is
definitely an upgrade for her. I mean, you could fit
Joe Jonas, John Mayer and Harry Styles into Travis Kelsey's
left thigh.
Speaker 3 (07:56):
Yes, he's so hot. He can totally put off that
weird mustache that makes him look like an undercover hop
who's too racist to go undercover.
Speaker 4 (08:03):
So hot y'all gabbing about Tay Trav I couldn't help
over here. And lord, this couple here is in the
media so much it's impossible not to think about them
making love, Am I right? I mean we've all imagined it,
the way Kelsey's muscles flex against Taylor's supple arms, the
rough contact of his beard against her ruby red lips.
(08:27):
I was up late last night and I actually did
some sketches if y'all want to see.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
Oh my god, Victor Whiers, there's squid tensacles. What is this?
Speaker 4 (08:35):
I'm sorry, some different sketches.
Speaker 5 (08:38):
Excuse me, he's doing his charcoal crackings again.
Speaker 4 (08:41):
I've got krackings on the brain, y'all.
Speaker 5 (08:44):
Look, I'll say this, Taylor Swift and I might not
have much in common, but we both love a good
tied end. Whoa I tell you, honey, I was a
center back in high school. I still remember how to
put them long snaps down on the field. That Travis
Kelcey watching the play by play. I'm watching the slow
motion playback half back Power thirty six, honey.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
Yes, yes, Travis Kelsey dating Taylor Swift has made me
love football now. I can't wait for Travis to dunk
another ball in the m zones. I just love how
he receives and like gifts. It's such a generous part.
Speaker 7 (09:20):
I don't think NFL executives had anything to do with
putting Travis Kelcey and Taylor Swift together. I mean, the
only time executives at the NFL get involved in their players'
relationships is when they're trying to beat the allegations.
Speaker 5 (09:30):
Honey. You know what they're doing. They're trying to get
a new demographic watch in football exactly, so I'm excused
to say, oh, girls, watch football. They parade those two out,
they might as well have had Taylor Swift come out
in the field and fake an injury like half of
them do. I'm surprised they haven't brought Barbara streisand out
to throw passes to share.
Speaker 4 (09:49):
Y'all are very right. They should micro cast to all
the different demographics that their sport has not yet reached.
I'd watch football more if the national anthem were sung
by Gall, the lead singer of the Norwegian black metal
band Gorgoroth.
Speaker 5 (10:04):
Well, I've got a quick fix if you want ten
percent more male viewers of professional football. Is the game
that the player shouldn't stop with the tackle. There should
be a tackle on the field and then you just
see what happens right after it keeps going and going
and going. You take a commercial break, and you come
back and they're still at it.
Speaker 4 (10:21):
See this is what I'm saying. I wish the NFL
would try to market to my demographic. I would watch
a lot more games if they dressed the players as
the armies of famous ancient battles. Tonight, the Steelers will
be dressed as the Carthaginians in the Battle of Kna
in Bcee. Now that, now that's a throwback Jersey.
Speaker 5 (10:39):
I'dwhere you know, every person from Hannibal on down to
the lunch boy at the Battle of Kna was gay.
Every single one of them was gay.
Speaker 4 (10:48):
Every legionary and every member of Hannibal's army, you know,
fought to the death and then continue to completion, so
to speak.
Speaker 5 (10:56):
As I understand it, even Hannibal's elephants were mounting each other.
Speaker 4 (10:59):
They mounted the alps and then each other by.
Speaker 7 (11:05):
So that guy Bill Chatter from a mass Equity is
here today to look at the property. If we can
convince him that buy well is a bad investment, a
mass might just cancel the purchase. A witch of Sary
comes here, comes, he comes.
Speaker 5 (11:16):
From Bill, you know who?
Speaker 2 (11:17):
You remind me of the best friend I had growing up.
You're funny in the same way that he was.
Speaker 8 (11:24):
I haven't said a word since I got here. You
started talking the minute they walked in the door.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Totally, totally, you know, it's just your general vibe. So
so you can set up here in the break room.
Can I get you anything? Herbal tea alcohol? I give
a great BackRub.
Speaker 8 (11:41):
Yeah, yeah, I think I saw a Panera bread on
the way into town. Could you go get me a
coffee from there?
Speaker 2 (11:47):
Well, there is a coffee machine right here, and that
Panera is forty five minutes away, but you got it.
I'll be back hours from now.
Speaker 5 (11:58):
You got that, good job, Jerry.
Speaker 8 (12:00):
Okay, let me just sit down here and flip the
old laptop, get some work hours in here. Well, he's
out of me here. I'm gonna boot this up here.
Windows familiar boot screen here, Windows. Okay, we've got to
put a password in here, so it's cheddar better forty
nine booting up here.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
Hi, I'm Shilah. I heard your company is buying this place,
and I just thought I should warn you that this
is a really bad neighborhood. My cousin was shot and
stabbed here. She died a They made one of those
like shrines with all of the candles of her, but
they used like a really ugly photo. They wouldn't use
the one I submitted that had like perfect side boob
(12:44):
and it was so sad. Anyway, you see those shrines
of all those like dead kids all the time here,
and I accidentally kicked them over while I'm walking here,
and then it starts fires and it kills more kids.
It's just like a bad vibe.
Speaker 5 (12:55):
Yeah, okay, yeah, I'm sorry for your loss.
Speaker 8 (12:58):
Yeah, we know the neighborhood is bad by but he
turns over lower cub areas. It's called gentrification. Soon all
those crack houses will be pottery barks. Okay, and the
little memorials. We're going to incorporate that into some kind
of large corporate cement park.
Speaker 4 (13:11):
Well sir, hey, hey there, if you're interested in buying
this building, I have to tell you I've been doing
maintenance here for years and this building has bad bones.
And see how the wall gives a little bit when
you hit it with this sledge hammer here. Yeah, I
figured we're a couple months away from this entire d
if it's collapsing and killing hundreds, it is on its
(13:34):
last seelings.
Speaker 5 (13:37):
Thank you.
Speaker 8 (13:37):
Okay, Yeah, we know the building is a pile of shit.
We're tearing it down. We just went to land.
Speaker 7 (13:43):
I've been doing a little research, and I hope your
appraisal of this property is subject to a detailed amortization
before you put it into escrow, because the market is
very liquid right now and commodities like this aren't likely
to yield a capital gain.
Speaker 5 (13:55):
Okay, nothing you just said made any sense.
Speaker 8 (13:57):
You just struggle a bunch of words together by talking
to it chat GPT here.
Speaker 7 (14:01):
All right, Listen, they say that prompting the chat GPT
is something we're all gonna have to learn to do better.
And it was my first time.
Speaker 5 (14:09):
Yeah, sure, might be actually a growth market. If you're
looking for work, which you're gonna be soon. Listen, I'll
suck your dick if you cancel the sale. Tempting, but no, sorry.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
I got twenty miles down the road and I realized
I forgot to ask if you take milk and sugar
or do you prefer Stevia instead? They don't have that
at Panera. But I can make an extra stop.
Speaker 5 (14:31):
Yeah, you know, stop at another place. Get stop at
a local grocer that's gonna last through the year, Get
some Stevia separately the checkout asle or whatever, and get
me the pen out Panera. You know, Pericameric.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Coffee Stevia from a local grocer. You got it?
Speaker 9 (14:47):
Bill, Bye, bye, Oh my god.
Speaker 3 (14:58):
Did you guys see Biten flew into Israel without military protection.
I'm sorry. The only times I don't use protection is
when I'm trying to get an old guy to pay
my rent. This is crazy. Wait, didn't he go to
Ukraine a couple months ago in the middle of a bombing.
It's like he's begging for death to hurry up and
take him.
Speaker 7 (15:16):
Yeah, I really wish Joe wouldn't take risks like this,
like going to Ukraine, going to Israel, walking down long
flights of stairs, riding a bike, staying up past eight.
He shouldn't be doing this kind of stuff.
Speaker 3 (15:28):
Honestly, the same thing happened with my grandma when when
she turned eighty we had to take all of the
birthday candles off of her cake because she kept trying
to light her wig on fire and end it all.
Speaker 4 (15:37):
The fact that they sent one of the Biden clones
to Israel doesn't impress me. What impresses me is that
they aged it up from a baby that quickly. They
must have like dozens of hatchlings in a secret facility
underneath the Pentagon, just ready to go. I mean, you
can tell it's young because every time you see the
clone Bidens, they have the speech patterns of a three
(15:59):
to four year old.
Speaker 5 (16:00):
He was probably just in the Ukraine to get the
rest of Hunter Biden's laptop. But if there are any
more Hunter's dudes in there, they should be released to America,
or at the very least to me. At Arnold Palmham
sixty nine at Earthlink.
Speaker 7 (16:12):
Dot Nea I mean, I do think we should give
an eighty year old man some credit for going into
two war zones without military protection. I mean, I know
forty year old Republicans who won't even go into Pittsburgh
to the Hockey Arena to see Keith Urban.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
I don't know. I don't think it's that brave for
old people to do dangerous things. What are they risking,
like two good Tuesdays.
Speaker 4 (16:32):
The US shouldn't be sending eighty year olds into war
zones anyhow. That's what we have eighteen year olds for,
although we could send like a strike force of eighty
year olds to sort of provide a human shield for
the rest of the younger force, a specially trained unit
of octogenarians.
Speaker 5 (16:51):
Y'all. He visited that war zone the way a person
on a carnival cruise visits a foreign country. He was
there for six damn hours that he's stuck to the
gift shops near the boat, you know he did.
Speaker 4 (17:02):
Yeah, he definitely came back from Israel with like a magnet.
Speaker 3 (17:05):
Oh my god, wait, is that why Joe Biden had
his hair and cornrows? I saw that picture going around Twitter.
That makes so much sense.
Speaker 4 (17:13):
Did you have a shirt that said one tequila, two tequila,
three tequila floor.
Speaker 7 (17:17):
I definitely saw a pookashell necklace at some point. I
just don't get why this couldn't have been a phone call.
Old people love phone calls. I just spent fifty minutes
on a FaceTime with my mom's forehead.
Speaker 5 (17:27):
Biden's about to give himself a series of medals for this,
just for going on a little pleasure cup. Save it, please.
So many people hate Trump. Everywhere he goes as a
war zone, and he wears a bright red target on
his head and paints himself orange. Now that is courage,
not Joe Biden stumbling around like naked gun.
Speaker 4 (17:46):
I myself have never been to a war zone. The
most dangerous trip I've taken was a psychedelic journey inside myself,
where I gazed into the darkness of my very own
soul and cried publicly. During a screening of Madagas Call
Her Too Escape to Africa.
Speaker 7 (18:02):
That one has the best soundtrack.
Speaker 4 (18:05):
I do like to move it, Move it, oh man.
Speaker 7 (18:12):
I need a new tub book. You know the books
I read while I'm having a bubble bath. Should I
get the new Jada Pinkett Smith memoir where she talks
about her experiences with ayahuasca, or the new Britney Spears
memoir that's read by Michelle Williams because Britney said it
would be too heartbreaking to read herself. This is tough,
This is tough.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
I like Data Pinkett Smith's book. She said she was
dealing drugs even when her movie career took off in
the eighties.
Speaker 9 (18:38):
That's wild.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
That's like if I was buying weed from Millie Bobby Brown.
Speaker 7 (18:43):
Yeah. I just thumbed through the Jada a little bit
and she talks about ayahuasca, but she calls it mother aya,
which is pretty much why you don't do ayahuasca.
Speaker 3 (18:51):
Honestly, I'm just jealous. It's so hard to find good
ayahuasca and Pennsylvania. The closest I got was an expired gatorade.
It did make me vomit and love my mom. He though.
Speaker 4 (19:00):
Yeah, it's hard to find good Pennsylvania a huasca mostly
just a gas station vapes or the closest you can get.
But I am interested in that. Jada Pinkett Smith. When
I hear she talks about her relationship with Will and
their separation, I know I relate it sucks to love
someone but not be able to be near them, And
(19:20):
that is why I've set up that shrine to Emma
Stone in my house. If anyone sees a La La
land standee in the loading dock, that's mine.
Speaker 5 (19:29):
Oh I tell you. If I ever see the two
of them, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith march themselves
here into by Well ever again, then I will make
a point to walk out and say something tart and
sassy about Jada Pinkett Smith, just so I can get
slapped by Will Smith in front of everybody. Jada keeps
saying she's trapped in a loveless marriage. Newsflash, honey, Will
(19:53):
Smith is gay. All of his movies sound like gay
Porno's Bad Boys, Wild Wild West Many, Honey, the legend
of Bagger Vance more like the legend of t Bagger Vance.
Speaker 3 (20:06):
Look, it's not Will's fault. She's weird. Okay. This is
just the kind of woman you end up with when
you get set to live with your uncle in bel Air,
even though he was in West Philadelphia, born and raised
on the playground, spending most of his days.
Speaker 7 (20:21):
I really connect with a lot of what Jada has
to say, though you guys. She says, her and will
Smith are separated in every way except legally. That's just
like me and Jamethie. That's kind of where the similarities end.
Jameithee is less Will Smith and more Paul Giamatti. My
goal is to read her book and become as zen
as she is about life, where I can start calling
hookups with other people entanglements.
Speaker 4 (20:43):
I also relate a great deal, but that's only because
I call my Emma Stone Shrine the red table.
Speaker 5 (20:49):
Honey, I have experienced. I used to be a jobber
back in the nineteen eighties in local Georgia Resden. And
let me tell you something. When I look at Will Smith,
I see the same thing as when I looked at
Lex Luger or ravishing Rick Rude. That man is straight
right until they cut to commercial.
Speaker 7 (21:05):
But I'm probably gonna read the Britney one. I am
huge in the Free Britney movement. I was virtually protesting
for her to get out of her conservatorship.
Speaker 4 (21:14):
Oh I'm all about free Brittany. Heck yeah, I hate conservatorships.
I won't let the government tell me what to do.
That's why I had myself legally declared a religious organization,
so I don't have to pay taxes. My body is
literally a temple visited by various Latvians annually.
Speaker 3 (21:32):
That's so smart. I wish my body could be as Humple,
but it's filled with too much Arizona iced tea and cheetos.
Speaker 4 (21:37):
Don't count yourself out. I eat a lot of weird things,
but I'm still technically a temple to the Latvian pagan
goddess of Mara.
Speaker 5 (21:44):
Pardon me. But when it comes to Britney Spears, Oops,
I didn't care again that bitch. I have had enough
of her. If I want to see a middle aged
woman dancing in a leopard thong, I will wait for
Thanksgiving after eight pm and hide my aunt Sally's medication.
Speaker 3 (22:00):
Oh my god, how dare you? I love Brittany. I
don't care if her book is just to run on
sentences and a recipe for candles. I don't care if
it's a bunch of misspelled stories about how she found
a potato chip that looked like her dog. Okay, I
am buying it.
Speaker 7 (22:14):
Yeah, and I'm gonna listen to the audiobook. I mean,
who better to voice Britney Spears's memoir than the actress
from Shutter Island. It is Michelle Williams, the actress. By
the way, it's not the quiet one from Destiny's Child.
Speaker 4 (22:25):
Well, I can see why they hired Michelle Williams. If
they kept Brittany as the reader, they'd have to cut
out three and a half hours just of pure vocal fry.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
That is the sound angels make when their wings flap.
I am so tired.
Speaker 7 (22:39):
Yeah, I don't need the Britney Hayten here right now.
Speaker 5 (22:41):
Victor too bad. I know what she went through. She
says she was exploited. Well, honey, I've been exploited too,
and I didn't make a million dollars doing it. I
wore pigtails in the schoolgirl outfit and everything, and all
I got was an STD test.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
That's not true. You got an STD test in a
bus pass. You told me about that night, Arnold.
Speaker 7 (22:58):
I find it hard to believe, Arnold, that Britney has
brought you zero joy down at Crystal's. There's never been
a night where Britney's been playing and something good's gone
down for you.
Speaker 5 (23:07):
There is an endless loop at Crystal's. Early Britney Spears
and Destiny's Child over and over and over and over again.
I have to go into that bar and light my
cigarette and put on headphones. I'll tell you how you
put a ring on it. Down at Crystals. You wait
until two thirty when they send all they send everybody
(23:28):
away that it's not a regular, and then you can
get away with just about anything. Right there in the bathroom,
the lights are on for thirty more minutes. Whoo, I'll
put a ring on it.
Speaker 8 (23:37):
Bye bye.
Speaker 7 (23:45):
You know, I hated every minute of working at this place,
but now I don't want to leave for purely financial reasons.
Speaker 5 (23:52):
I'm gonna miss all of you, but I'm gonna mis
receiving a paycheck most of all. Now I'm gonna have
to be the sugar baby out there.
Speaker 3 (23:59):
This is going to ruin me. If I can't steal
from the Bible pharmacy, my entire drug operation is going
to fall apart. My customers need their fentanel. You guys,
speech and debate teams need their Adderall cheating husbands need
their vowtrex.
Speaker 9 (24:13):
I need Santax.
Speaker 3 (24:14):
Oh my god, I can't do this.
Speaker 4 (24:16):
We all came here for the paycheck, but it's the
friends we made along the way. Oh who am I kid?
You guys are not going to stay in touch.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
And that's why I want you to be the godfather
of my child.
Speaker 8 (24:30):
Jerry, for the third time, my answer is no, you
don't even have a kid.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Okay, well, I'm gonna put you down as a Maybe
you and I have great banter, but let's get down
to business. When will the sale go through? And follow
up question, when do you think I'll receive a check?
Because I've got a golden parachute and I am ready
to jump out of that golden plane.
Speaker 5 (24:53):
Bill, we're not going through with the sale. What did
you hear? What he says? Why I don't like you.
Speaker 8 (24:59):
I was just saying here to appraise the property, but
after meeting you had suffering through your inanities for a
full eight hours. I'm recommending me buy out a different
retail chain.
Speaker 7 (25:08):
Yes, yes, Oh my god, Jerry's personality finally pays off.
Speaker 4 (25:13):
I knew it.
Speaker 5 (25:15):
That's the sound of a golden parachute hitting pay dirt. Bill,
you can't do this.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
I already put a down payment on a McLaren sports car.
I just drived it. I had an erection the entire time.
Speaker 8 (25:29):
I don't know why you would want to put half
of the entire million dollars into a McLaren. You can't
even get it fixed. I've had two McLaren's. I had
to trade them in for lamboats. Let me tell you, Jerry,
everybody who needs to hear this, My company is monolithic.
Speaker 5 (25:42):
We are unassailable. Okay.
Speaker 8 (25:43):
We could do crazy stuff like anything we want. So
that's why I love my job. You all can enjoy
your sad little lives of toil and drudgery. I got
a helicopter waiting for me on the roof, you know.
Let me just log out of my laptop.
Speaker 3 (25:57):
Here, wait, mister tutter, take me with you.
Speaker 8 (26:01):
Sorry, honey, I you already got a wife and two mistresses. Goodbye,
everybody that's been a slice of cheddar.
Speaker 5 (26:08):
Thank you very much.
Speaker 4 (26:09):
Oh Jerry, I realize you're hurting right now, but I
have to ask. Can we all go look at that helicopter?
Speaker 5 (26:14):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (26:14):
Go ahead, you can look at the helicopter. Yeah, Hey, Liz,
aren't you gonna go watch the helicopter?
Speaker 7 (26:21):
Jerry, you betrayed us, you sold us out, You almost
destroyed our lives, and you didn't even seem to care.
Speaker 5 (26:30):
Yeah, I'm sorry, It's fine.
Speaker 7 (26:33):
I would have done the same thing. Give me Wednesday
off and we'll call it even Wednesday.
Speaker 5 (26:38):
Oh yeah, sure, all.
Speaker 7 (26:41):
Right, see you tomorrow. And Jerry, one more thing?
Speaker 5 (26:44):
What's that?
Speaker 2 (26:45):
Liz?
Speaker 7 (26:46):
Your flies down again?
Speaker 5 (26:47):
God damn?
Speaker 6 (26:48):
It by employees Only is produced by Imagine Audio and
Pretty Fast for iHeartMedia. Produced by Timothy Furnara. The associate
producer is Wesley Hayes. It is executive produced by Ron Howard,
Brian Grazerkarra Welker, Nathan Cloke and Jared Logan. Editing by
(27:09):
Timothy Furnara, Mixing by j Palizi, casting by Sherry Henderson.
Original music composed by Alloy Tracks. Liz is played by
Kara klink. Brich is played by Kurt Brunneller. Victor is
played by Ross Bryant. Marcia is played by Madison Shepherd.
Arnold is played by James Adomian. Nia is played by
(27:30):
Keisha Zoler, Shilah is played by Suba Argowall, and Darry
is played by Jared Logan.
Speaker 9 (27:36):
Bye Wa
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.