September 28, 2023 • 24 mins
When the midnight workers come down with COVID-19, the daytime crew has to take over their shift, but staying awake all night long turns out to be a nightmare. Plus: Hunter Biden, Lauren Boebert, and alien mummies.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Attention Shoppers.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy podcast about
a fictional big box store. Any similarity to real stores
or real people. It completely coincidental.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
Guys, Welcome to the breakthrew and welcome to third shift
here in our twenty four hour bye. Well, I have
you all on the late shift for the first time tonight.
Thanks for stepping up since our usual midnight skeleton crew
is down with COVID.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
Okay, we're getting time and a half for being here.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Right, Yes, Shila, you're getting time and a half.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
I think I'm missing a right to.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
It's gonna be just the five of us in the
store overnight. It's gonna be like the breakfast club, y'all.
Speaker 4 (00:47):
So does that make you the dick bag principle that
we all hate?
Speaker 5 (00:50):
Does this mean you're buying us breakfast? This is like
a breakfast for dinner situation.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Yeah, no, we're not getting breakfast. It's a movie. Anyway.
I hope y'all got plenty of sleep. Took a little
vitamin D because if you're not used to working the
midnight shift, it can really mess with your head a
little bit. Okay, you have to be careful.
Speaker 6 (01:07):
Yeah, okay, Jerry, I've been partying for thirty six hours straight,
so I've gotten plenty of vitamin D.
Speaker 7 (01:14):
I don't know how to interpret that wink she gave
when she said vitamin D h it means pence my
hypothesis was correct.
Speaker 8 (01:22):
Okay.
Speaker 7 (01:24):
Stakes to night on lois nothing.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
We don't save by everything by, so everybody thinks they're
prepared for a full night in the store.
Speaker 4 (01:39):
I'm gonna drink twice as many diet cokes as I
usually do. And Hey, if any of you guys need
any help keeping awake tonight, just think about the fact
that the Supreme Court is sixty two percent conservative.
Speaker 6 (01:49):
And then if you don't want to do that because
it's lame, just snort some of this addy I have
in my locker.
Speaker 5 (01:54):
The Ladyshift says there's a ghost of a dead customer
who haunts the ioso. I want to see if I
can find the gohot and help him resolve whatever his
issues were on Earth. You know, they always got unfinished.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Business, so you're trying to catch a ghost.
Speaker 8 (02:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (02:06):
I don't really like helping living people, but dead people,
I'm all about getting them some peace.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
You help the dead customers more than you help the
living customers. Oh, I wish that was not true. And now, Victor,
you've done this before, so you should be fine.
Speaker 7 (02:22):
Yeah, there's no problem for me. I use Leonardo da
Vinci's polyphasic sleep process. I take a series of twenty
minute naps throughout a twenty four hour period. In fact,
I think I'm due for one right about now. Seeing
twenty minutes, y'all.
Speaker 9 (02:41):
Wow, he is just look, you can't even he is
really asleep.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
That sounds undhealthy. I think he has like sleep algeria.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Yeah, I think you mean sleep apnea shilah. And there
definitely sounds like there's some sort of blocking.
Speaker 8 (02:59):
Yeah, he needs a machine. I don't.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
It's not a pap smear.
Speaker 5 (03:03):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
I think we actually have some sleep apne machines on
discount on I'll seventeen. We should let Victor know about that.
Speaker 8 (03:10):
Sometimes I just leave a note on him if you
want them to know something.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Oh, that's a good idea. Here, let me write a
little note and stick it right here on his forehead.
There we go.
Speaker 8 (03:20):
You'll get it by well.
Speaker 6 (03:24):
Okay, oh my god, this I have to tell you.
Timothy Challame and Kylie Jenner are being called a new
IT couple for the year.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
No, no, no, The new IT couple is Vladimir Putin
and Kim Jong Un. Did you see these two meet
up last week? Normally, when two men who can't stop
crossing boundaries are in the same room, it's a Chris
Dalia podcast.
Speaker 6 (03:40):
Honestly, I kind of love it. One powerful evil men meetup.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
It's scary, but like in a hot way, like Willem
Dafoe would.
Speaker 7 (03:47):
Oh yeah, that's a definite wood. I'm just happy they
found each other, you know, Putin Kim Jong Own, I
know how hard it is to find a guy you
can talk about intercontinental ballistic missiles with?
Speaker 4 (03:58):
What is dictator? Small talk like like, hey, what kind
of art do you like? Giant pictures of yourself?
Speaker 9 (04:04):
Me too?
Speaker 6 (04:05):
I mean, I know he's evil or whatever, but I
gotta be honest. I would hang out with Kim jogguon
in a heartbeat. North Korean barbecue has to be next level.
I mean, no one makes sure it's perfect, like a
chef who serves a rtorust dictator. I read meal as
an elimination challenge.
Speaker 5 (04:21):
Kim Jong Own and Putin are teaming up this is
like the weirdest crossover ever. This is like Skeletor and
shred Aer getting together.
Speaker 7 (04:29):
I feel bad for whatever double O seven type comes
to kill them and then has to hear two boring
villain monologues instead of the usual one. Well, it seems
like you stumbled into my trap, mister Bond. Well, it
seems like you've also stumbled into my trap, mister Bond,
arguing over which unnecessarily complicated and slow torture mechanism to
throw them in. Well, I brought a slow motion laser.
(04:51):
Well I brought a Piranha tank that opens very slowly. Boy,
that would be a fly on the wall.
Speaker 6 (04:57):
If they wanted to try some sort of like slow torture,
they should just listen to Victor talk about old timey weapons.
Speaker 5 (05:03):
We should be worried Putin's gone back to his crazy friends.
You only do that when you have no one else
to turn to and no one else to talk to.
If you ever see me with my cousin Harol run Well, I.
Speaker 7 (05:13):
Know Harrold, He's helped me out a few times.
Speaker 8 (05:15):
You don't want Harold's health.
Speaker 4 (05:17):
This is really, though not a good sign for Putin.
Like how many ideas had to bomb before you were like,
have we tried asking North Korea?
Speaker 6 (05:24):
Although it must be cool to see someone in real
life that you usually only see him like the Dictator
group chat, it's like, oh, you're that tall, so weird.
Speaker 4 (05:32):
Kim John Un doesn't fly, so he took his huge
bulletproof train that he zips around in over to meet
with Putin. Talk about overcompensating.
Speaker 6 (05:41):
Oh my god, do you think the train also makes
really loud noises like all those divorced dads on motorcycles.
Speaker 7 (05:46):
Yeah, this is the one train that you can rev.
Speaker 5 (05:49):
Wait a minute, a bulletproof train. Who is he getting
to TechEd by Billy the kid? What kind of old
ass method of protection is.
Speaker 7 (05:55):
That he can't elude surface to air missiles but he
can be stopped by on the tracks.
Speaker 3 (06:01):
By Okay, guys, don't worry.
Speaker 6 (06:06):
I told Jerry there was a night possible loosen cosmetics,
so he'll be very busy looking for that mammal.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
For a long time.
Speaker 7 (06:12):
Shallah. They're not just mammals, they're North America is only
negative marsupial. If you frighten them, they'll just open their
jaws and play possum. Truly, one of Nature's miracles.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
Wow, why is a miracle? Might be so sad and dry?
Speaker 6 (06:25):
What wasn't I Liz, I have to tell you something.
I met this guy at this party and he was
throwing up so much riz.
Speaker 4 (06:32):
There is that word again. What does riz mean exactly?
Is it charisma? I just can't keep up with all
these gen z terms. Annie and Tori have been throwing
the word riz around. At first I was concerned because
I was like, that sounds like a bodily discharge. But
then I also think they make up words just to
mess with me. Is scoopy boopda thing?
Speaker 7 (06:52):
Liz, You're embarrassing yourself. Okay, look, I'm around enough pubescents
on the Magic the Gathering scene to have picked up
that RIZ is something I don't have. In fact, they
told me that I have reverse riz. I have zero.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
Oh my god.
Speaker 6 (07:08):
I cannot believe I have to hang out with aging
people all day. I feel like Selena Gomez and only
murders in the building, except nobody is.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
Murdering any of you.
Speaker 7 (07:18):
I believe the riz is one of the fellas from
the rap ensemble The Blu Tang Clan.
Speaker 8 (07:24):
No Victor, that's the Rizza aka Bobby.
Speaker 7 (07:27):
Digitals, the Riz, the ghost Man, ghost face.
Speaker 4 (07:32):
Listen. I keep telling my kids not to use internet
slang because they're probably just appropriating black culture and that's whack.
Speaker 5 (07:39):
I just don't like how it sounds. Riz sounds nasty.
Is too close to Jiz and Wiz.
Speaker 4 (07:44):
Wait, it's actually also incredibly close to Liz. Does Liz
have RIZ?
Speaker 3 (07:49):
No, let's ask depression.
Speaker 5 (07:51):
Anyway, by the time white people learn about slang, it's
already too late. You can't use the word once there
on it. That's like meeting somebody at their funeral.
Speaker 6 (08:00):
It doesn't matter what RIZ means anymore. Now that I've
heard three old people say it, I will not be
saying that word. This is just like when those old
white Republicans ruined Dabby.
Speaker 4 (08:09):
I get it. My estranged husband tries to use the
same slang my daughters do. It's like, you go, Jamethie.
I'm sure all the girls at the college bar think
your new Olivia Rodrigo shirt really slaps on your forty
three year old man tits.
Speaker 7 (08:22):
You know, from another perspective, I have lots of riz.
If you're talking about sky Rizzy, the medication I take
from mysiasis.
Speaker 8 (08:30):
Nothing is everything.
Speaker 4 (08:32):
Bye. Oh my god, this is so boring. Nobody comes
in during the midnight shift like nothing is happening. I've
already recalibrated every single flat screen in electronics. That's got
to almost be mourning, right. What time is it?
Speaker 7 (08:48):
Twelve thirty We've been here thirty minutes.
Speaker 4 (08:51):
Oh my god, Victor.
Speaker 7 (08:52):
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
Okay, oh man. I don't know about y'all, but I
am feeling in it already. How is everyone doing?
Speaker 7 (09:02):
Sharp as attack there, Jared. My sleep rhythm keeps me
fully alert at every moment of consciousness.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Hey, look at that. Robert's doing an inventory. I see
you got some paperwork out here, Robert. Nice work, buddy.
Speaker 5 (09:14):
I've been looking through these old reports about customers who
died in the store. I'm trying to figure out who
the ghost is. I'm thinking is the guy that got
trampled to death during the Black Friday?
Speaker 1 (09:23):
Said, Oh my god, if only our prices hadn't been
so low that day.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
Why are you guys so tired? I mean probably because
you're like old. Inside. I'm like young and hot. I'm
like to dance and at the clubs, so I'm like
so awak right now.
Speaker 7 (09:39):
Oh, it looks as if Shilah has adopted my polyphasic
sleep process.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Shilah, wake up, please? Can you wake up?
Speaker 8 (09:47):
Oh?
Speaker 7 (09:47):
Well, ps there, Robert. When I woke up from my
last polyphasic sleep session, I was covered in notes messages
from the beyond. The ghosts are leaving us clues, something masks,
something something. I have a feeling that perhaps this spirit
met their end in the field of e prey or passiondale.
We got ghostly World War One veterans out here.
Speaker 5 (10:09):
Hey, maybe when you take your nap, you going into
the spiritual realm and you're able to communicate with the undead.
Maybe you should take another nap, but see if you
get any more correspondence going.
Speaker 7 (10:22):
Truly, this sleep method has unseen benefits.
Speaker 8 (10:25):
Thank you, Robert.
Speaker 7 (10:26):
I will I will enter the world of dreams and
see what messages I can bring back from the beyond.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Hey, wait a minute, if everyone is in this break
room right now, who who is out there running the store?
Oh okay, we forgot to We forgot to run the store.
Everybody back out there, Come on, we're the only ones here.
Speaker 4 (10:47):
Bye bye, Oh boy, Victor. I bet you want to
take a trip to Mexico. Real bad, right now?
Speaker 7 (11:00):
Wow, what have you heard? Those charges were dropped?
Speaker 4 (11:02):
Oh my god, they're so sketchy. No, I just read
that Mexico's Congress just had a bunch of experts come
in there and say that aliens could be real. They
even showed them alien mummies that they found in Peru.
Speaker 7 (11:15):
You know, they just had a hearing about extraterrestrials on
the floor of the United States Congress, although they denied
my repeated petitions to testify, despite the fact that I
have been probed on multiple occasions.
Speaker 4 (11:27):
Well, I think we're no different from Mexico. They brought
mummies to Congress. We've got Mitch McConnell and Diane Feinstein.
We let our mummies make laws.
Speaker 5 (11:35):
So minute, alien mummies. That's two monsters in one. What's next?
Vampire mermaids as actually sound kind of cool.
Speaker 7 (11:44):
Yeah, that sounds frightening and deeply erotic.
Speaker 3 (11:47):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 6 (11:47):
When crashes in Mexico, it's like all fun and cool
and everybody's interested. But when I crashed in Mexico, they
make me take a breathalyzer and suspend my passport.
Speaker 7 (11:56):
You gotta be really careful when you're accusing someone of
being an alien, you could easily be wrong, and then
you're just stuck there, awkwardly pulling on the beard of
them all. Santa happens every year.
Speaker 4 (12:08):
I just hope these aliens stay away. Guys going by movies,
they're mostly bad news. You got a better chance of
meeting a winner on Christian Tinder than you do in
a UFO.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
Oh, I didn't know tinderhead a Christian setting.
Speaker 4 (12:18):
I love that, really, Shilah, you want to go after
guys that are super into Jesus?
Speaker 6 (12:23):
Oh, yes, I want to drag them into sin? Hello,
passion projects?
Speaker 7 (12:28):
Uh? Can you select other pantheons on tender women who
are into the gods of Asgard or.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Victor?
Speaker 4 (12:40):
Did he just fall asleep talking?
Speaker 3 (12:43):
Oh my god? Quick, Robert write another note and put
it on his forehead?
Speaker 8 (12:48):
What should I say? He thinks? As a World War
one goes tell there's.
Speaker 6 (12:51):
Extra munitions in one of the boxes of lucky charms,
and he has to go through all of them.
Speaker 8 (12:56):
How do you spill munitions?
Speaker 3 (12:58):
I'm oh, and I don't know what is this math?
I hate this?
Speaker 8 (13:04):
It's a goals You don't have dispeller perfect?
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Bye?
Speaker 8 (13:06):
Well, bye.
Speaker 7 (13:11):
Well, you know one time when I worked the night shift,
I had to throw a man and a woman out
of the store for trying to have sex in housewares.
I threw them out right away. I didn't silently watch
them have sex to completion.
Speaker 4 (13:27):
God, who was it? Lauren Bolbert and her date? Do
you guys hear about them at Beetlejuice just get into
third base. They had to kick her out because she
was vaping and letting her date just honk on her pits, Like,
what is happening with elected officials in this country?
Speaker 3 (13:43):
I don't understand what the big deal is? Okay? So
she interrupted a musical. Big deal? I got kicked out
of a wedding for getting to second base.
Speaker 6 (13:52):
My sister was like, oh, You're ruining my special day
and I was like, okay, jealous much vision.
Speaker 4 (13:57):
At least you're consistent, Shila, and your sister's not a
person who claims that drag shows expose children to sex.
Lauren Bobert is out here trying to cancel drag while
she's given hj's at an all ages show. She's the
one exposing children to sex. In fact, there was a
pregnant woman behind her she was exposing them as a
fetus hoarding.
Speaker 7 (14:17):
It always the way people in power think they can
just walk all over us and the rules don't apply
to them. But there is one thing that we lowly
work in people will not tolerate, and that is messing
with beetlejuice. Lauren Bobert, you do well to remember that
you say his name with respect, but not three times
(14:38):
unless you want, unless you want some chaos to pop off.
Speaker 4 (14:42):
Listen. You don't get to hate gay people and then
go to musicals. Conservative Christians are only allowed to see
Joseph Jesus Christ Superstar and the high school version of
Greece where they cut out Rizzo that sense.
Speaker 7 (14:53):
Look, though I don't condone her behavior, Okay, I do
understand the struggle to get uncontrollably aroused at the sight
of a giant sand worm descending upon the recently deceased.
So you know I can keep myself in chip.
Speaker 4 (15:09):
I mean, we got Marjorie Taylor Green, Lauren Bobert, Matt Gates.
The GOP has gone downhill. You used to have to
be a member of Skull and Bones to get into
the GOP. Now you just have to be freshly fired
from chuck e cheese.
Speaker 7 (15:21):
Ooh, I qualify, I too spent some time behind the
mouse mask, Victor.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
There's supposed to be robots. What were you doing in
that costume?
Speaker 7 (15:30):
One of the robots broke down, so they hired me
to play the tambourine in the Rock of Fire Explosion.
It's pretty good money and they let me hang out
in the ballpit for free.
Speaker 5 (15:39):
So she just now got divorced and she's out at
musicals grabbing dicks. I bet that dude probably pointed to
his dick. It was like it's showtime. And he probably
had bad teeth too, just like budleto.
Speaker 7 (15:51):
Oh well, by the way, y'all, if you want some
lucky charms, I opened like a dozen boxes of these
things looking for munitions. I received more messages. It appears
I've said something amusing. Perhaps I have rears after all.
Speaker 4 (16:07):
Bye, this is my fifth die Coke. I think if
I have any more, my kidneys are going to give out.
Speaker 7 (16:20):
You need a pig kidney.
Speaker 4 (16:22):
I am afraid to ask, But what are you talking about?
Speaker 7 (16:26):
Oh yeah, fascinating story. And NYU Hospital transplanted a pig's
kidney into a human body and it worked for two months.
It's a milestone for animal human transplantation.
Speaker 4 (16:37):
This is not okay with me unless they can train
the pig to use those little talking buttons that the
dogs use on TikTok so that I can hear the
pigs clear consent.
Speaker 6 (16:45):
I mean, science is always coming up with new and
fascinating ways to make me barf. I'm sorry, but the
only pig I'm letting inside of me is this financial
broker I'm matched with on Christian ten.
Speaker 4 (16:55):
There do pig kidneys even work on human food or
what I have to bring my own off of slop
wherever I go. My tofu already gets me enough stairs
as it is.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
You know, oh that's what you're eating. I thought that
was slow. I feel so much better.
Speaker 6 (17:09):
For you, Liz.
Speaker 4 (17:10):
I'm gonna outlive you, Shilah.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
Yeah, honestly, probably.
Speaker 5 (17:13):
Pigs really have terrible look. I mean, their muscles are delicious,
they make the best food, their skin makes a perfect football,
and now their kidney.
Speaker 8 (17:22):
Save our lives.
Speaker 5 (17:23):
It's like they made a wish to be the best
at everything, but it was one of them asshole genius
that gives you what you ask for, but not the
way you ask for it, Like Kazam.
Speaker 6 (17:32):
I feel like this news is like a real mixed
bag for Muslim kidney patients, because the doctor's like, good news,
you'll live completely normal life before you suffering all eternity
and don them.
Speaker 7 (17:42):
I'd be careful if I were these doctors. Pigs can
be very sexually aggressive, trust me.
Speaker 5 (17:48):
Bye.
Speaker 4 (17:49):
Well, okay, guys, Carrie's in the freezer section. I figure
we've got at least thirty minutes before he figures out
that no one's out there.
Speaker 5 (17:59):
So it was nice you e was scary some cracky
you could come in here with a gun and hold
us up.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
Yeah, so many crackheads with guns. And then they're going
after Hunter Biden. You know, he just got indicted because
he bought a handgun without disclosing he had a drug addiction.
Hopefully he comes in though.
Speaker 8 (18:14):
He's cute.
Speaker 6 (18:16):
Yeah, I know, right for somebody who smokes crack, he
looks incredible. Let's open an impeachment and cuiry into his
skincare routine because what is that?
Speaker 3 (18:24):
Hello?
Speaker 7 (18:25):
Wait, hold on, if you're on crack, you're supposed to
write that and the gun application. I'm sorry, I think
I know if that was something you had to put
on it. I got an application right here, Yeah here
it is, okay, yeah, see nothing here this Oh my gosh,
a little box that says are you on crack? Check
yes or no?
Speaker 8 (18:46):
Well?
Speaker 7 (18:47):
All right, egg on my face.
Speaker 3 (18:48):
I guess Victor, you buy guns. I thought you would
use like more. I don't know, like World War two.
Speaker 7 (18:54):
Oh oh shy, sweet summer child. I use all kind
of of black powder, webapons, edged weapons, swords, the katanas
of feudal Japan. But this doesn't mean that I don't
also dabble in a conventional modern weaponry.
Speaker 6 (19:10):
How am I bored and scared at the same time?
I hate this conversation.
Speaker 4 (19:14):
Wait, let me get this straight. So you can't buy
a gun on drugs, but we can sell guns in
a pharmacy that's also a liquor store. I got to
stand up for my boy Hunter here for a second.
His mother and sister died in a car accident. Then
later his brother, universally regarded as better than him, died
(19:34):
of cancer. He's the last man standing besides the President
of the United States. We gotta give this guy a break.
I would be on a little bit of crack if
I had that much loss in my life.
Speaker 7 (19:44):
All I have to say, is it seems as though
the hunter has become the hunted.
Speaker 5 (19:50):
Wait a minute, is Hunter the only man to have
their dick presented to the US Congress? The Republicans showed
a picture of his penis in the here and Bill
Clinton didn't even get that.
Speaker 7 (20:00):
If you don't think that's the first dick pic they're
watching behind closed doors, Every closed door Senate subcommittee is
a slide show of all kinds of manners of wiener.
Speaker 8 (20:11):
So that's why they can never get any laws passed.
Speaker 7 (20:13):
Because those clowns in Washington are always ogling slide shows
of various dinguses, dongs and what have you. They put
it right in front of your face. What is the
Washington monument? Robert is very dicky.
Speaker 5 (20:27):
I risk my case the irony is people that smoke
cracking the guns the most. I mean, have you watched Scarface?
Have you watched any of these cocaine movies? Guns are mandatory.
What would narcos be if they were just using sling shots?
Speaker 7 (20:42):
Well, don't count out the slings as a fine weapon.
Why back in ancient room, Charlotte, where are you going by.
Speaker 9 (20:53):
There?
Speaker 1 (20:53):
You guys? Are you know? I keep walking in here
and you're in the break room. Come on, we gotta
get out there because he's a what Hey, where is Shilah?
I haven't seen Shilah an hour.
Speaker 7 (21:05):
I think I saw her an outer war. She was
sleeping in a nest of coats. She looked so peaceful.
I didn't want to disturb her. Besides, I've been told
I shouldn't watch people while they're sleep.
Speaker 4 (21:17):
Just a little peak, Okay, Jerry, don't be mad. But
I was really bored, and so I started to reorganize
all my shelves by color. And once I got started,
I couldn't stop. And so now the store is just
like one continuous rainbow.
Speaker 7 (21:30):
I think it's a more intuitive layout personally. I mean,
as long as you know the precise color the item
you're looking for, it's a win.
Speaker 4 (21:36):
Thank you.
Speaker 5 (21:36):
There, Yeah, I met the ghost. He is thin like
a skeleton. He's got this long, greasy hair, and he's
covered in blood.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Robert, that is Albert. He's a regular customer. He's just
the type of person who shops at four am. He's
a hemophilia.
Speaker 5 (21:52):
Oh okay, I was wondering why he bought a red
bull and a bag of fians.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
We are all losing our minds. It's no use. We
need sleep. Someone get the manager and tell them we've
got to close the store a couple hours so we
can take a nap.
Speaker 8 (22:07):
You're the manager.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Ah, I'm losing my grip on my own identity. Everything
feels like a simulation victory. Is this your face or
is it just a mask?
Speaker 3 (22:20):
Uh?
Speaker 7 (22:21):
It's a mask. Yeah, my World War One ghost advised
me to put it on. It can't be too careful.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
Yes, the sun is out. The morning shift is here.
It's over. I feel so well rusted. I haven't slept
this on month.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Oh my god, the morning shift is here. Oh thank god.
I have new respect for the midnight shift. I just think, y'all,
we only have to do this three or four more
nights until the midnight shift recovers from COVID. I will
see you all tomorrow at midnight.
Speaker 7 (22:52):
You see us as you want to see us, in
the simplest terms and with the most convenient definitions. But
what we found is that each of us is a
brain and an athlete, a basket case of princess Victor.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
Are you doing the monologue from the end of the
Breakfast Club.
Speaker 4 (23:11):
I love the Breakfast Club. I was Ali, sheety every
year for Halloween for like a decade.
Speaker 7 (23:16):
I mean that makeover, That is a travesty.
Speaker 4 (23:19):
She was better before, agreed, Victor, You and I today
are we falling in love?
Speaker 1 (23:26):
You know what? I'm taking all of you for breakfast?
After all, Let's go to Denny's.
Speaker 4 (23:32):
Hell Yeah, thanks, Jerry.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
No, you're paying for your own breakfast, but I'm taking you.
We can take my car.
Speaker 7 (23:40):
Agree.
Speaker 10 (23:44):
Employees Only is produced by Imagine Audio and Pretty Fast
for iHeartMedia, produced by Timothy Farnara. The associate producer is
Wesley Hayes. It is executive produced by Ron Howard, Brian Grazer,
Caarra Welker, Nathan Cloke and Jared Logan. Editing by Timothy Furnara,
Mixing by j Palizi, casting by Sherry Henderson. Original music
(24:06):
composed by Alloy Tracks. Liz is played by Kara klink
Rich is played by Kurt Brunneller. Victor is played by
Ross Bryant. Marcia is played by Madison Shepherd. Arnold is
played by James Odomian. Nia is played by Keisha Zoler.
Shilah is played by Suba Argowall and Darry is played
by Jared Logan.
Attention Shoppers.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy podcast about
a fictional big box store. Any similarity to real stores
or real people. It completely coincidental.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
Guys, Welcome to the breakthrew and welcome to third shift
here in our twenty four hour bye. Well, I have
you all on the late shift for the first time tonight.
Thanks for stepping up since our usual midnight skeleton crew
is down with COVID.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
Okay, we're getting time and a half for being here.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Right, Yes, Shila, you're getting time and a half.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
I think I'm missing a right to.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
It's gonna be just the five of us in the
store overnight. It's gonna be like the breakfast club, y'all.
Speaker 4 (00:47):
So does that make you the dick bag principle that
we all hate?
Speaker 5 (00:50):
Does this mean you're buying us breakfast? This is like
a breakfast for dinner situation.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Yeah, no, we're not getting breakfast. It's a movie. Anyway.
I hope y'all got plenty of sleep. Took a little
vitamin D because if you're not used to working the
midnight shift, it can really mess with your head a
little bit. Okay, you have to be careful.
Speaker 6 (01:07):
Yeah, okay, Jerry, I've been partying for thirty six hours straight,
so I've gotten plenty of vitamin D.
Speaker 7 (01:14):
I don't know how to interpret that wink she gave
when she said vitamin D h it means pence my
hypothesis was correct.
Speaker 8 (01:22):
Okay.
Speaker 7 (01:24):
Stakes to night on lois nothing.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
We don't save by everything by, so everybody thinks they're
prepared for a full night in the store.
Speaker 4 (01:39):
I'm gonna drink twice as many diet cokes as I
usually do. And Hey, if any of you guys need
any help keeping awake tonight, just think about the fact
that the Supreme Court is sixty two percent conservative.
Speaker 6 (01:49):
And then if you don't want to do that because
it's lame, just snort some of this addy I have
in my locker.
Speaker 5 (01:54):
The Ladyshift says there's a ghost of a dead customer
who haunts the ioso. I want to see if I
can find the gohot and help him resolve whatever his
issues were on Earth. You know, they always got unfinished.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Business, so you're trying to catch a ghost.
Speaker 8 (02:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (02:06):
I don't really like helping living people, but dead people,
I'm all about getting them some peace.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
You help the dead customers more than you help the
living customers. Oh, I wish that was not true. And now, Victor,
you've done this before, so you should be fine.
Speaker 7 (02:22):
Yeah, there's no problem for me. I use Leonardo da
Vinci's polyphasic sleep process. I take a series of twenty
minute naps throughout a twenty four hour period. In fact,
I think I'm due for one right about now. Seeing
twenty minutes, y'all.
Speaker 9 (02:41):
Wow, he is just look, you can't even he is
really asleep.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
That sounds undhealthy. I think he has like sleep algeria.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Yeah, I think you mean sleep apnea shilah. And there
definitely sounds like there's some sort of blocking.
Speaker 8 (02:59):
Yeah, he needs a machine. I don't.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
It's not a pap smear.
Speaker 5 (03:03):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
I think we actually have some sleep apne machines on
discount on I'll seventeen. We should let Victor know about that.
Speaker 8 (03:10):
Sometimes I just leave a note on him if you
want them to know something.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Oh, that's a good idea. Here, let me write a
little note and stick it right here on his forehead.
There we go.
Speaker 8 (03:20):
You'll get it by well.
Speaker 6 (03:24):
Okay, oh my god, this I have to tell you.
Timothy Challame and Kylie Jenner are being called a new
IT couple for the year.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
No, no, no, The new IT couple is Vladimir Putin
and Kim Jong Un. Did you see these two meet
up last week? Normally, when two men who can't stop
crossing boundaries are in the same room, it's a Chris
Dalia podcast.
Speaker 6 (03:40):
Honestly, I kind of love it. One powerful evil men meetup.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
It's scary, but like in a hot way, like Willem
Dafoe would.
Speaker 7 (03:47):
Oh yeah, that's a definite wood. I'm just happy they
found each other, you know, Putin Kim Jong Own, I
know how hard it is to find a guy you
can talk about intercontinental ballistic missiles with?
Speaker 4 (03:58):
What is dictator? Small talk like like, hey, what kind
of art do you like? Giant pictures of yourself?
Speaker 9 (04:04):
Me too?
Speaker 6 (04:05):
I mean, I know he's evil or whatever, but I
gotta be honest. I would hang out with Kim jogguon
in a heartbeat. North Korean barbecue has to be next level.
I mean, no one makes sure it's perfect, like a
chef who serves a rtorust dictator. I read meal as
an elimination challenge.
Speaker 5 (04:21):
Kim Jong Own and Putin are teaming up this is
like the weirdest crossover ever. This is like Skeletor and
shred Aer getting together.
Speaker 7 (04:29):
I feel bad for whatever double O seven type comes
to kill them and then has to hear two boring
villain monologues instead of the usual one. Well, it seems
like you stumbled into my trap, mister Bond. Well, it
seems like you've also stumbled into my trap, mister Bond,
arguing over which unnecessarily complicated and slow torture mechanism to
throw them in. Well, I brought a slow motion laser.
(04:51):
Well I brought a Piranha tank that opens very slowly. Boy,
that would be a fly on the wall.
Speaker 6 (04:57):
If they wanted to try some sort of like slow torture,
they should just listen to Victor talk about old timey weapons.
Speaker 5 (05:03):
We should be worried Putin's gone back to his crazy friends.
You only do that when you have no one else
to turn to and no one else to talk to.
If you ever see me with my cousin Harol run Well, I.
Speaker 7 (05:13):
Know Harrold, He's helped me out a few times.
Speaker 8 (05:15):
You don't want Harold's health.
Speaker 4 (05:17):
This is really, though not a good sign for Putin.
Like how many ideas had to bomb before you were like,
have we tried asking North Korea?
Speaker 6 (05:24):
Although it must be cool to see someone in real
life that you usually only see him like the Dictator
group chat, it's like, oh, you're that tall, so weird.
Speaker 4 (05:32):
Kim John Un doesn't fly, so he took his huge
bulletproof train that he zips around in over to meet
with Putin. Talk about overcompensating.
Speaker 6 (05:41):
Oh my god, do you think the train also makes
really loud noises like all those divorced dads on motorcycles.
Speaker 7 (05:46):
Yeah, this is the one train that you can rev.
Speaker 5 (05:49):
Wait a minute, a bulletproof train. Who is he getting
to TechEd by Billy the kid? What kind of old
ass method of protection is.
Speaker 7 (05:55):
That he can't elude surface to air missiles but he
can be stopped by on the tracks.
Speaker 3 (06:01):
By Okay, guys, don't worry.
Speaker 6 (06:06):
I told Jerry there was a night possible loosen cosmetics,
so he'll be very busy looking for that mammal.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
For a long time.
Speaker 7 (06:12):
Shallah. They're not just mammals, they're North America is only
negative marsupial. If you frighten them, they'll just open their
jaws and play possum. Truly, one of Nature's miracles.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
Wow, why is a miracle? Might be so sad and dry?
Speaker 6 (06:25):
What wasn't I Liz, I have to tell you something.
I met this guy at this party and he was
throwing up so much riz.
Speaker 4 (06:32):
There is that word again. What does riz mean exactly?
Is it charisma? I just can't keep up with all
these gen z terms. Annie and Tori have been throwing
the word riz around. At first I was concerned because
I was like, that sounds like a bodily discharge. But
then I also think they make up words just to
mess with me. Is scoopy boopda thing?
Speaker 7 (06:52):
Liz, You're embarrassing yourself. Okay, look, I'm around enough pubescents
on the Magic the Gathering scene to have picked up
that RIZ is something I don't have. In fact, they
told me that I have reverse riz. I have zero.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
Oh my god.
Speaker 6 (07:08):
I cannot believe I have to hang out with aging
people all day. I feel like Selena Gomez and only
murders in the building, except nobody is.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
Murdering any of you.
Speaker 7 (07:18):
I believe the riz is one of the fellas from
the rap ensemble The Blu Tang Clan.
Speaker 8 (07:24):
No Victor, that's the Rizza aka Bobby.
Speaker 7 (07:27):
Digitals, the Riz, the ghost Man, ghost face.
Speaker 4 (07:32):
Listen. I keep telling my kids not to use internet
slang because they're probably just appropriating black culture and that's whack.
Speaker 5 (07:39):
I just don't like how it sounds. Riz sounds nasty.
Is too close to Jiz and Wiz.
Speaker 4 (07:44):
Wait, it's actually also incredibly close to Liz. Does Liz
have RIZ?
Speaker 3 (07:49):
No, let's ask depression.
Speaker 5 (07:51):
Anyway, by the time white people learn about slang, it's
already too late. You can't use the word once there
on it. That's like meeting somebody at their funeral.
Speaker 6 (08:00):
It doesn't matter what RIZ means anymore. Now that I've
heard three old people say it, I will not be
saying that word. This is just like when those old
white Republicans ruined Dabby.
Speaker 4 (08:09):
I get it. My estranged husband tries to use the
same slang my daughters do. It's like, you go, Jamethie.
I'm sure all the girls at the college bar think
your new Olivia Rodrigo shirt really slaps on your forty
three year old man tits.
Speaker 7 (08:22):
You know, from another perspective, I have lots of riz.
If you're talking about sky Rizzy, the medication I take
from mysiasis.
Speaker 8 (08:30):
Nothing is everything.
Speaker 4 (08:32):
Bye. Oh my god, this is so boring. Nobody comes
in during the midnight shift like nothing is happening. I've
already recalibrated every single flat screen in electronics. That's got
to almost be mourning, right. What time is it?
Speaker 7 (08:48):
Twelve thirty We've been here thirty minutes.
Speaker 4 (08:51):
Oh my god, Victor.
Speaker 7 (08:52):
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
Okay, oh man. I don't know about y'all, but I
am feeling in it already. How is everyone doing?
Speaker 7 (09:02):
Sharp as attack there, Jared. My sleep rhythm keeps me
fully alert at every moment of consciousness.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Hey, look at that. Robert's doing an inventory. I see
you got some paperwork out here, Robert. Nice work, buddy.
Speaker 5 (09:14):
I've been looking through these old reports about customers who
died in the store. I'm trying to figure out who
the ghost is. I'm thinking is the guy that got
trampled to death during the Black Friday?
Speaker 1 (09:23):
Said, Oh my god, if only our prices hadn't been
so low that day.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
Why are you guys so tired? I mean probably because
you're like old. Inside. I'm like young and hot. I'm
like to dance and at the clubs, so I'm like
so awak right now.
Speaker 7 (09:39):
Oh, it looks as if Shilah has adopted my polyphasic
sleep process.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
Shilah, wake up, please? Can you wake up?
Speaker 8 (09:47):
Oh?
Speaker 7 (09:47):
Well, ps there, Robert. When I woke up from my
last polyphasic sleep session, I was covered in notes messages
from the beyond. The ghosts are leaving us clues, something masks,
something something. I have a feeling that perhaps this spirit
met their end in the field of e prey or passiondale.
We got ghostly World War One veterans out here.
Speaker 5 (10:09):
Hey, maybe when you take your nap, you going into
the spiritual realm and you're able to communicate with the undead.
Maybe you should take another nap, but see if you
get any more correspondence going.
Speaker 7 (10:22):
Truly, this sleep method has unseen benefits.
Speaker 8 (10:25):
Thank you, Robert.
Speaker 7 (10:26):
I will I will enter the world of dreams and
see what messages I can bring back from the beyond.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Hey, wait a minute, if everyone is in this break
room right now, who who is out there running the store?
Oh okay, we forgot to We forgot to run the store.
Everybody back out there, Come on, we're the only ones here.
Speaker 4 (10:47):
Bye bye, Oh boy, Victor. I bet you want to
take a trip to Mexico. Real bad, right now?
Speaker 7 (11:00):
Wow, what have you heard? Those charges were dropped?
Speaker 4 (11:02):
Oh my god, they're so sketchy. No, I just read
that Mexico's Congress just had a bunch of experts come
in there and say that aliens could be real. They
even showed them alien mummies that they found in Peru.
Speaker 7 (11:15):
You know, they just had a hearing about extraterrestrials on
the floor of the United States Congress, although they denied
my repeated petitions to testify, despite the fact that I
have been probed on multiple occasions.
Speaker 4 (11:27):
Well, I think we're no different from Mexico. They brought
mummies to Congress. We've got Mitch McConnell and Diane Feinstein.
We let our mummies make laws.
Speaker 5 (11:35):
So minute, alien mummies. That's two monsters in one. What's next?
Vampire mermaids as actually sound kind of cool.
Speaker 7 (11:44):
Yeah, that sounds frightening and deeply erotic.
Speaker 3 (11:47):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 6 (11:47):
When crashes in Mexico, it's like all fun and cool
and everybody's interested. But when I crashed in Mexico, they
make me take a breathalyzer and suspend my passport.
Speaker 7 (11:56):
You gotta be really careful when you're accusing someone of
being an alien, you could easily be wrong, and then
you're just stuck there, awkwardly pulling on the beard of
them all. Santa happens every year.
Speaker 4 (12:08):
I just hope these aliens stay away. Guys going by movies,
they're mostly bad news. You got a better chance of
meeting a winner on Christian Tinder than you do in
a UFO.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
Oh, I didn't know tinderhead a Christian setting.
Speaker 4 (12:18):
I love that, really, Shilah, you want to go after
guys that are super into Jesus?
Speaker 6 (12:23):
Oh, yes, I want to drag them into sin? Hello,
passion projects?
Speaker 7 (12:28):
Uh? Can you select other pantheons on tender women who
are into the gods of Asgard or.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Victor?
Speaker 4 (12:40):
Did he just fall asleep talking?
Speaker 3 (12:43):
Oh my god? Quick, Robert write another note and put
it on his forehead?
Speaker 8 (12:48):
What should I say? He thinks? As a World War
one goes tell there's.
Speaker 6 (12:51):
Extra munitions in one of the boxes of lucky charms,
and he has to go through all of them.
Speaker 8 (12:56):
How do you spill munitions?
Speaker 3 (12:58):
I'm oh, and I don't know what is this math?
I hate this?
Speaker 8 (13:04):
It's a goals You don't have dispeller perfect?
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Bye?
Speaker 8 (13:06):
Well, bye.
Speaker 7 (13:11):
Well, you know one time when I worked the night shift,
I had to throw a man and a woman out
of the store for trying to have sex in housewares.
I threw them out right away. I didn't silently watch
them have sex to completion.
Speaker 4 (13:27):
God, who was it? Lauren Bolbert and her date? Do
you guys hear about them at Beetlejuice just get into
third base. They had to kick her out because she
was vaping and letting her date just honk on her pits, Like,
what is happening with elected officials in this country?
Speaker 3 (13:43):
I don't understand what the big deal is? Okay? So
she interrupted a musical. Big deal? I got kicked out
of a wedding for getting to second base.
Speaker 6 (13:52):
My sister was like, oh, You're ruining my special day
and I was like, okay, jealous much vision.
Speaker 4 (13:57):
At least you're consistent, Shila, and your sister's not a
person who claims that drag shows expose children to sex.
Lauren Bobert is out here trying to cancel drag while
she's given hj's at an all ages show. She's the
one exposing children to sex. In fact, there was a
pregnant woman behind her she was exposing them as a
fetus hoarding.
Speaker 7 (14:17):
It always the way people in power think they can
just walk all over us and the rules don't apply
to them. But there is one thing that we lowly
work in people will not tolerate, and that is messing
with beetlejuice. Lauren Bobert, you do well to remember that
you say his name with respect, but not three times
(14:38):
unless you want, unless you want some chaos to pop off.
Speaker 4 (14:42):
Listen. You don't get to hate gay people and then
go to musicals. Conservative Christians are only allowed to see
Joseph Jesus Christ Superstar and the high school version of
Greece where they cut out Rizzo that sense.
Speaker 7 (14:53):
Look, though I don't condone her behavior, Okay, I do
understand the struggle to get uncontrollably aroused at the sight
of a giant sand worm descending upon the recently deceased.
So you know I can keep myself in chip.
Speaker 4 (15:09):
I mean, we got Marjorie Taylor Green, Lauren Bobert, Matt Gates.
The GOP has gone downhill. You used to have to
be a member of Skull and Bones to get into
the GOP. Now you just have to be freshly fired
from chuck e cheese.
Speaker 7 (15:21):
Ooh, I qualify, I too spent some time behind the
mouse mask, Victor.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
There's supposed to be robots. What were you doing in
that costume?
Speaker 7 (15:30):
One of the robots broke down, so they hired me
to play the tambourine in the Rock of Fire Explosion.
It's pretty good money and they let me hang out
in the ballpit for free.
Speaker 5 (15:39):
So she just now got divorced and she's out at
musicals grabbing dicks. I bet that dude probably pointed to
his dick. It was like it's showtime. And he probably
had bad teeth too, just like budleto.
Speaker 7 (15:51):
Oh well, by the way, y'all, if you want some
lucky charms, I opened like a dozen boxes of these
things looking for munitions. I received more messages. It appears
I've said something amusing. Perhaps I have rears after all.
Speaker 4 (16:07):
Bye, this is my fifth die Coke. I think if
I have any more, my kidneys are going to give out.
Speaker 7 (16:20):
You need a pig kidney.
Speaker 4 (16:22):
I am afraid to ask, But what are you talking about?
Speaker 7 (16:26):
Oh yeah, fascinating story. And NYU Hospital transplanted a pig's
kidney into a human body and it worked for two months.
It's a milestone for animal human transplantation.
Speaker 4 (16:37):
This is not okay with me unless they can train
the pig to use those little talking buttons that the
dogs use on TikTok so that I can hear the
pigs clear consent.
Speaker 6 (16:45):
I mean, science is always coming up with new and
fascinating ways to make me barf. I'm sorry, but the
only pig I'm letting inside of me is this financial
broker I'm matched with on Christian ten.
Speaker 4 (16:55):
There do pig kidneys even work on human food or
what I have to bring my own off of slop
wherever I go. My tofu already gets me enough stairs
as it is.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
You know, oh that's what you're eating. I thought that
was slow. I feel so much better.
Speaker 6 (17:09):
For you, Liz.
Speaker 4 (17:10):
I'm gonna outlive you, Shilah.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
Yeah, honestly, probably.
Speaker 5 (17:13):
Pigs really have terrible look. I mean, their muscles are delicious,
they make the best food, their skin makes a perfect football,
and now their kidney.
Speaker 8 (17:22):
Save our lives.
Speaker 5 (17:23):
It's like they made a wish to be the best
at everything, but it was one of them asshole genius
that gives you what you ask for, but not the
way you ask for it, Like Kazam.
Speaker 6 (17:32):
I feel like this news is like a real mixed
bag for Muslim kidney patients, because the doctor's like, good news,
you'll live completely normal life before you suffering all eternity
and don them.
Speaker 7 (17:42):
I'd be careful if I were these doctors. Pigs can
be very sexually aggressive, trust me.
Speaker 5 (17:48):
Bye.
Speaker 4 (17:49):
Well, okay, guys, Carrie's in the freezer section. I figure
we've got at least thirty minutes before he figures out
that no one's out there.
Speaker 5 (17:59):
So it was nice you e was scary some cracky
you could come in here with a gun and hold
us up.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
Yeah, so many crackheads with guns. And then they're going
after Hunter Biden. You know, he just got indicted because
he bought a handgun without disclosing he had a drug addiction.
Hopefully he comes in though.
Speaker 8 (18:14):
He's cute.
Speaker 6 (18:16):
Yeah, I know, right for somebody who smokes crack, he
looks incredible. Let's open an impeachment and cuiry into his
skincare routine because what is that?
Speaker 3 (18:24):
Hello?
Speaker 7 (18:25):
Wait, hold on, if you're on crack, you're supposed to
write that and the gun application. I'm sorry, I think
I know if that was something you had to put
on it. I got an application right here, Yeah here
it is, okay, yeah, see nothing here this Oh my gosh,
a little box that says are you on crack? Check
yes or no?
Speaker 8 (18:46):
Well?
Speaker 7 (18:47):
All right, egg on my face.
Speaker 3 (18:48):
I guess Victor, you buy guns. I thought you would
use like more. I don't know, like World War two.
Speaker 7 (18:54):
Oh oh shy, sweet summer child. I use all kind
of of black powder, webapons, edged weapons, swords, the katanas
of feudal Japan. But this doesn't mean that I don't
also dabble in a conventional modern weaponry.
Speaker 6 (19:10):
How am I bored and scared at the same time?
I hate this conversation.
Speaker 4 (19:14):
Wait, let me get this straight. So you can't buy
a gun on drugs, but we can sell guns in
a pharmacy that's also a liquor store. I got to
stand up for my boy Hunter here for a second.
His mother and sister died in a car accident. Then
later his brother, universally regarded as better than him, died
(19:34):
of cancer. He's the last man standing besides the President
of the United States. We gotta give this guy a break.
I would be on a little bit of crack if
I had that much loss in my life.
Speaker 7 (19:44):
All I have to say, is it seems as though
the hunter has become the hunted.
Speaker 5 (19:50):
Wait a minute, is Hunter the only man to have
their dick presented to the US Congress? The Republicans showed
a picture of his penis in the here and Bill
Clinton didn't even get that.
Speaker 7 (20:00):
If you don't think that's the first dick pic they're
watching behind closed doors, Every closed door Senate subcommittee is
a slide show of all kinds of manners of wiener.
Speaker 8 (20:11):
So that's why they can never get any laws passed.
Speaker 7 (20:13):
Because those clowns in Washington are always ogling slide shows
of various dinguses, dongs and what have you. They put
it right in front of your face. What is the
Washington monument? Robert is very dicky.
Speaker 5 (20:27):
I risk my case the irony is people that smoke
cracking the guns the most. I mean, have you watched Scarface?
Have you watched any of these cocaine movies? Guns are mandatory.
What would narcos be if they were just using sling shots?
Speaker 7 (20:42):
Well, don't count out the slings as a fine weapon.
Why back in ancient room, Charlotte, where are you going by.
Speaker 9 (20:53):
There?
Speaker 1 (20:53):
You guys? Are you know? I keep walking in here
and you're in the break room. Come on, we gotta
get out there because he's a what Hey, where is Shilah?
I haven't seen Shilah an hour.
Speaker 7 (21:05):
I think I saw her an outer war. She was
sleeping in a nest of coats. She looked so peaceful.
I didn't want to disturb her. Besides, I've been told
I shouldn't watch people while they're sleep.
Speaker 4 (21:17):
Just a little peak, Okay, Jerry, don't be mad. But
I was really bored, and so I started to reorganize
all my shelves by color. And once I got started,
I couldn't stop. And so now the store is just
like one continuous rainbow.
Speaker 7 (21:30):
I think it's a more intuitive layout personally. I mean,
as long as you know the precise color the item
you're looking for, it's a win.
Speaker 4 (21:36):
Thank you.
Speaker 5 (21:36):
There, Yeah, I met the ghost. He is thin like
a skeleton. He's got this long, greasy hair, and he's
covered in blood.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Robert, that is Albert. He's a regular customer. He's just
the type of person who shops at four am. He's
a hemophilia.
Speaker 5 (21:52):
Oh okay, I was wondering why he bought a red
bull and a bag of fians.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
We are all losing our minds. It's no use. We
need sleep. Someone get the manager and tell them we've
got to close the store a couple hours so we
can take a nap.
Speaker 8 (22:07):
You're the manager.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
Ah, I'm losing my grip on my own identity. Everything
feels like a simulation victory. Is this your face or
is it just a mask?
Speaker 3 (22:20):
Uh?
Speaker 7 (22:21):
It's a mask. Yeah, my World War One ghost advised
me to put it on. It can't be too careful.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
Yes, the sun is out. The morning shift is here.
It's over. I feel so well rusted. I haven't slept
this on month.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Oh my god, the morning shift is here. Oh thank god.
I have new respect for the midnight shift. I just think, y'all,
we only have to do this three or four more
nights until the midnight shift recovers from COVID. I will
see you all tomorrow at midnight.
Speaker 7 (22:52):
You see us as you want to see us, in
the simplest terms and with the most convenient definitions. But
what we found is that each of us is a
brain and an athlete, a basket case of princess Victor.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
Are you doing the monologue from the end of the
Breakfast Club.
Speaker 4 (23:11):
I love the Breakfast Club. I was Ali, sheety every
year for Halloween for like a decade.
Speaker 7 (23:16):
I mean that makeover, That is a travesty.
Speaker 4 (23:19):
She was better before, agreed, Victor, You and I today
are we falling in love?
Speaker 1 (23:26):
You know what? I'm taking all of you for breakfast?
After all, Let's go to Denny's.
Speaker 4 (23:32):
Hell Yeah, thanks, Jerry.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
No, you're paying for your own breakfast, but I'm taking you.
We can take my car.
Speaker 7 (23:40):
Agree.
Speaker 10 (23:44):
Employees Only is produced by Imagine Audio and Pretty Fast
for iHeartMedia, produced by Timothy Farnara. The associate producer is
Wesley Hayes. It is executive produced by Ron Howard, Brian Grazer,
Caarra Welker, Nathan Cloke and Jared Logan. Editing by Timothy Furnara,
Mixing by j Palizi, casting by Sherry Henderson. Original music
(24:06):
composed by Alloy Tracks. Liz is played by Kara klink
Rich is played by Kurt Brunneller. Victor is played by
Ross Bryant. Marcia is played by Madison Shepherd. Arnold is
played by James Odomian. Nia is played by Keisha Zoler.
Shilah is played by Suba Argowall and Darry is played
by Jared Logan.
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