October 19, 2023 • 25 mins
When Victor matches with a woman on a dating app, the BuyWell crew all pitches in to give him dating tips. Also: Biden's dog and Costco gold. With special guest Beth Stelling!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Attention Shoppers. Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy
podcast about the fictional big box store. Any similarity to
real stores or real people is completely.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Cool, incidental, all right.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
So if a child is lost in the store, they
probably just got separated from their parents. Don't assume that
it has something to do with human trafficking.
Speaker 4 (00:26):
Oh.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
Also, if you see a blonde woman back here in
the back who's not in uniform, that's my wife.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Okay, you got a white.
Speaker 5 (00:33):
What kudos to you, Jerry. I'm surprised, but heck, if
I had the money, i'd order somebody from Eastern Europe too.
Speaker 6 (00:42):
Stakes to bis nothing, we don't say everything.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Okay, she's not from Eastern Europe, definitely.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
She's actually from Georgia.
Speaker 7 (01:00):
Okay, so now we know why you have to make
one hundred k year.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
She's not after my money. Actually, she manages the Joeanne fabrics,
so she's doing fine for herself.
Speaker 5 (01:11):
It's probably sending most of it back to her family
in Tbilisi, the capital of Georgia.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
I meant I met Georgia, of the state she's from, making.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
I have a.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Picture of her right here.
Speaker 7 (01:20):
Look, this is Bethany, whoa who.
Speaker 8 (01:25):
Hurt with you something?
Speaker 5 (01:27):
He looks like she should be dating an Argentinian soccer
player or something.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
Jerry, what can I say? I got game?
Speaker 7 (01:34):
You tell me not to be weird, but your wife
is a full on smoke show. Absolutely smashed that at
the first off.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
Don't talk about smashing my wife. Okay, I'm gonna draw
the line there, and frankly, I'm starting to get a
little mad. So guys, let's please keep it professional, okay.
Speaker 5 (01:51):
Jerry, I, for one, I'm just happy that you found love. Okay. Honestly,
I've been a certified bachelor for will I guess my
entire life. I'm still looking for missus right. I'm on
all the dating apps, Tender Hinge, Bumble, Women behind Bars,
Lady Farmers Only, Christian Mingle, Jade, Date, Coffee meets Bagel,
(02:14):
plenty of fish. That's one hold up getting a message.
Oh my lord, Oh my lord, I have a match.
I got a match, y'all, and she messaged me names Darla.
She wants to know if I'd like to get coffee
with her.
Speaker 6 (02:33):
My wife is real by I was kind of hoping
that there would be a government shut down, seeing as
how all governments are just a form of mind control.
Speaker 5 (02:46):
I was kind of looking forward to it all coming
to a screech and haul.
Speaker 8 (02:50):
Yeah, And I can't believe that Kevin curthy guy barely
stopped the government shut down and then Matt Gates got
him voted out of the position of Speaker of the House.
I mean, what's going on with the Republicans?
Speaker 9 (03:01):
You know?
Speaker 4 (03:02):
Listen, man, Kevin McCarthy managed to prevent a shutdown and
he's still got fired. That just shows you what the
government's about. Hey, hold on, we do not do our
job here. This dude must have a humiliation fetish. He
went through fifteen rounds of vote and to be confirmed,
then had his job stripped away by his own party.
The only way it could have been more humiliating is
that Matt Gates find him while he was walking him
(03:23):
on a dog leash and some high heels and the
hot top of T shirt corn wax on his back
talking about Shane.
Speaker 7 (03:28):
This is his own fault. When they elected him speaker,
he let them put a clause in that anyone could
initiate a vote to fire him. That's bad business. This
guy is bad app business. When I got hired at Bywell,
I put in a clause that they can't fire me,
and I wrote it on the back of my application
and permanent marker.
Speaker 5 (03:47):
That's why we have to understand and learn what is
written on the back of the constitution. There could be
all kinds of awesome laws we have no idea about.
Speaker 7 (03:55):
That's what I'm saying. We don't know what's on there
right like, and it's probably what the secret founders wanted
the country to really be.
Speaker 5 (04:02):
Like exactly like, instead of thirteen original colonies, it should
have been thirteen zones that lived in a state of
perpetual war. Or perhaps they had forged and accord with
the Atlanteans and we could have states right now out
in the Atlantic Ocean.
Speaker 7 (04:18):
Hell yeah, and they're all out there with like beach
shell bikinis, looking hot as hell, and they're just like
going at it there. You know what I mean.
Speaker 8 (04:27):
You think it's water World meets Little Mermaid.
Speaker 7 (04:30):
No, it's way hotter than water World. I guess it's. Yeah,
it's as hot as that first scene in Little Mermaid
where Triton's like the live action one, no, no, no,
the cartoon Triton's like, here are all my daughters and
then this crab's like, I know what's up, and then
you never see the daughters again. What's going on with
all those daughters.
Speaker 5 (04:49):
It turns out that our founding fathers both had to
throw off the yoke of King George the Third in Triton,
the King of the.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Sea Kevin McCarthy fifty eight.
Speaker 4 (04:57):
This means this might be the first time Matt Gates
has screwed someone I could legally vote.
Speaker 5 (05:00):
It's a circular firing squad and they're just willing to
kick a civil servant off to the curve. This is
like when all those parents voted to remove me as
the school crossing guard just because they quote didn't like
my vibe unquote.
Speaker 8 (05:16):
I was one of the parents, and you helped a
child one at a time cross the street. My children
were a half hour late.
Speaker 5 (05:24):
Safety is my primary concern.
Speaker 8 (05:26):
And you don't hold the ninth grader by the hand
crossing the street.
Speaker 5 (05:30):
You know, in retrospect, I can see how I lost
the War of optics. Did you know you don't even
have to be elected to the House of Representatives to
be Speaker of the House of Representatives. What a country.
Probably because they assumed they wouldn't need a rule for that,
much like how the Golden crowd I visited assume they
don't need a rule against people adding more food to
(05:52):
the buffet. I still maintain that my cricket protein balls
would have been a huge hit. It's all you can
eat and all you can add.
Speaker 7 (05:58):
You just brought food in a left buffet.
Speaker 5 (06:01):
Yeah, I got a ziploc bag full of cricket protein
balls that I added to the buffet somewhere between the
chicken fingers and the soft serve machine. I also gave
protein balls to the kids that I would bring across
the street as a crossing guard, much to the parent's criticism.
Speaker 4 (06:16):
Yeah, they probably got you fired protein balls. The kids
should never be said in the sentence.
Speaker 5 (06:22):
Needless to say, these protein balls will give you the
power and self assurance that our friend Kevin McCarthy lacks.
Speaker 7 (06:29):
Do you know who would be a great speaker of
the house Joe Rogan, because there's literally no one on
the planet who's better at speaking, and if people were
going to like vote the wrong way, he'd just be like,
I guess you don't want to smoke blunts with Chappelle
check may everybody wants to smoke blunts with Chappelle.
Speaker 5 (06:47):
It's all very complicated, but I can explain what happened
with the help of some visual aids. Okay, so imagine
this bottle of ketchup is Kevin McCarthy, in this lunchbox
is the House of Representatives, and this jar of mayonnaise
is Matt Gates. And this claw hammer is the motion
of vacate. Okay, see, now that's a huge mess.
Speaker 7 (07:07):
Are we just smashing stuff in this room now? Because
I'd love that?
Speaker 5 (07:11):
Well, now now that I realize I'm the one who's
going to be cleaning it up, I regret my decisions. Ah,
dang it, Timbo, that was the one chair that didn't wobble.
Speaker 7 (07:21):
Who the chair recognizes getting smashed on the floor my.
Speaker 5 (07:25):
Guy by Well, oh damn it, y'all. Jerry just gave
me a paycheck again. I told him I don't believe
in banks and would only like to be paid in
cash or precious metals.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Well, then you better go to Costco.
Speaker 4 (07:40):
They're selling gold now, like for real, Seriously, they have
one house gold bars for sale and.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
They keep selling that one. Really.
Speaker 4 (07:48):
Yeah, that's crazy. I'm glad I don't work at Costco.
Instead of shoplifters. Now I'm gonna have to be dealing
with George Clooney in his Ocean's eleven Gang are twelve
or thirteen?
Speaker 2 (07:57):
Well, I guess if they do it, is it to
be fourteen.
Speaker 5 (08:00):
It's hard to imagine the Ocean squad like a George
Clooney and Brad Pitt trying to swag out in Vegas
with some Kirkling signature brand gold bars.
Speaker 7 (08:10):
I hate that they put the logo on it. How
are you supposed to show it to chicks and pretend
you're an international treasure hunter.
Speaker 4 (08:16):
And you know it's gonna be at least one guy
that's gonna be waiting for the samples. Like when the
Gold Lady coming out, they not giving gold samples.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Bro, how would you even sample gold? What are you
gonna do? Lick it? Like everybody gets the liquor corner.
Speaker 5 (08:29):
To bite the edge like an old prospector.
Speaker 7 (08:32):
Man, I would love to be a treasure hunter, just
going to like other countries and like taking their shit
and be like, man, this is mine.
Speaker 8 (08:38):
That's just called being British.
Speaker 4 (08:41):
It does make owning gold a little less cool, Like
rappers like to have gold and diamonds. But you know
if you got it from the wrong place, they'll have
something to say, like, bitch, you got Costco gold. Your
diamonds are cloudy as hell. Where you get them?
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Diamonds from Walmart diamonds?
Speaker 4 (08:57):
Yeah, you got Target diamonds. Your point is ain't hitting man,
Your diamond's cloudy. Your gold came from Costco, Your baby mama,
ain't shit. I can't wait till the disc tracks come out. Man,
I'm not getting no Costco gold. You won't see me
with Costco go.
Speaker 5 (09:14):
It's a volume business, and I understand they're technically a competitor,
but it's the best store to shop at if you're
trying to supply an underground nuclear bunker. Also, I mean
think about it. One hundred pack of toilet paper, ten
gallon can of baked beans, a gold bar you can
use to barter with gangs of mutant raiders from the outlands. Yeah,
(09:35):
Costco is the one.
Speaker 4 (09:36):
Gold isn't the only investment opportunity Costco has either. Don't
think that, Like I just diversify. I invest in crab legs.
The price fluctuates frequently. I freeze them, I peel the
sticker off, and I take them back, and I sell
them back at a premium every Sunday.
Speaker 8 (09:54):
I think Costco has a good business model. Maybe we
should be in membership only club as well.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
Well.
Speaker 8 (10:00):
That way that lady who doesn't wear pants will stop
coming in and making deep eye contact with me.
Speaker 7 (10:06):
Yeah, normally someone comes in without wearing pants. I'm like, Okay,
you're just trying to get right to the point, but
there's something else going on there.
Speaker 8 (10:14):
Yeah, I mean she wants you to look. That's her
whole thing.
Speaker 4 (10:17):
You can't sell gold bars if we wanted to. Here,
we can't keep people from stealing the goldfish, the crackers,
and the actual fish.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
Like it's a lot of people.
Speaker 4 (10:26):
That come in and try to walk out with an
actual goldfish in their mouth.
Speaker 8 (10:30):
I thought it was stupid that we started selling goldfish
in the first place.
Speaker 7 (10:33):
I think our whole aquarium section is fucking wild. I'll
be the first to say, we.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
Don't sell turtles. How do they take over every tank?
Speaker 8 (10:42):
I mean, I found turtles in my lingerie section. You
ever want to see turtles in lingerie?
Speaker 7 (10:48):
No, I do, but only in a very specific Reddit forum.
And the turtles walk on two legs.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Don't you desecrate the dinger turtles?
Speaker 7 (10:58):
Where the lady turtle? That's all I'm saying. Why are
they all?
Speaker 2 (11:01):
He had one? It was Venus de Milo and it
was very disturbing, right.
Speaker 7 (11:05):
And her color was like light blue or something.
Speaker 2 (11:07):
It was very disturbing.
Speaker 8 (11:09):
You don't like turtle titties.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
At at all, Like, how do they even work?
Speaker 7 (11:12):
That's what's so cool about them. They shouldn't work, but
they do. Bye Bye, Victor. Victor, My dude, I just
wanted to check in before you go on this date,
like what's your strategy? Looking like you got this or
you need some pointers.
Speaker 5 (11:33):
Honestly, Timbo, it's been so long since I met any one.
I'm I'm actually a little nervous.
Speaker 7 (11:40):
Yeah, yeah, that's okay. So what you need to do
is you need to go in there and like nag her.
You know what that means. Umm, Basically, you say really
mean shit to her to make her feel bad about herself,
and then she's like, then she has something to prove
to you. You know, you want to go in there
and be like, God, you're stupid. Okay, So here's neist
watch here, check up.
Speaker 8 (12:02):
Gosh, anyone else find a cold in the store.
Speaker 7 (12:06):
No, it's so hot. I can't believe your skin is
so weak that it makes you feel so cold. Also,
that top doesn't go with those shoes.
Speaker 8 (12:14):
Nia, I'm wearing my uniform, you dummy. Are you trying
to neg me? Are you trying to neg me?
Speaker 7 (12:20):
Victor? When she called me dumb, I was like, hold on,
am I attracted?
Speaker 4 (12:25):
Oh?
Speaker 8 (12:25):
That's right, you have your date. First off, do not
listen to Timbo Victor, listen to me. I'm a woman,
I know how to date. So when you first go out,
make sure you get some drinks, but you don't get
too drunk, because then you're gonna start mouthing off about
the NBA and how you could have played ball. You
could have been balling harder than Steph Curry if you
(12:46):
hadn't torn your rotator cuff. And Victor, whatever you do,
do not piss all over her bathroom, all over the
toilet seat. Women work too hard to do with your
piss all over the bathroom.
Speaker 5 (12:56):
Okay, well yeah, these are very specific notes.
Speaker 8 (13:00):
But if she has kids, make sure you really watch them,
you know, don't just say you're going to watch them
and you're watching the sports and one of them sticks
a corner in the nose and has to go to
the er, like take her on a date, really treat.
Speaker 5 (13:14):
Her right, extremely specific advice. Thank you, niya, and don't worry.
As a custodian, I'm i'm I'm well aware of the
dangers that the bathroom can can reveal. Nagging and clean
bathroom victim.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Man.
Speaker 4 (13:30):
Look, just come over here, my lock. I got a
few things I can Okay, yeah, put that up to you. Yeah,
you see it.
Speaker 5 (13:38):
So it is this sort of a sort of a
distressed jacket. Now what does fu boo mean?
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Exactly?
Speaker 4 (13:44):
Yeah, no, see is for us, by us, So you
can wear it, but like, don't get crazy. Don't think
like you can say the N word or nothing like that.
Hold on, look, check this out. Try this all right here?
Speaker 5 (13:56):
Look at this, lord, don't I don't think i've ever
seen pants this skin Yeah.
Speaker 4 (14:01):
Yeah, yeah, that's what it's about. Skinny jeans and fat shoes.
It shows you got money right here, lord.
Speaker 5 (14:08):
Look at all these zippers to nowhere.
Speaker 4 (14:11):
Oh yeah, those zippers are not real. You're just gonna
touch your thigh every zimple you open. It's gonna be
straight to them. But you can get kind of freaky
with it too. So that's the thing. The access all right,
Yeah yeah, zipped you at the knee and she crept up.
Yeah you see all right, you go all right, you're
gonna be all right, You're gonna be all right.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Check this out, Check this out. The these glasses, you
got to put these on.
Speaker 5 (14:36):
Man.
Speaker 4 (14:36):
You gotta put your shades on. Man, don't take off
of nobody.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
These are yeah, now I blacked them out. Put them on.
Speaker 4 (14:44):
Once you're sitting down like like like like, look where
you're going by looking over them.
Speaker 5 (14:49):
I gotta say, I'm really only seeing really just the
fluorescent lights are making it right.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
I wanted to come in and just say, before you
go on your date, Victor, we believe in you and
we know you can do this.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Well.
Speaker 5 (15:03):
Well, thank you, Jerry, thank you every much.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
Why I had Liz set up this two way microphone
so we can listen in on your date and tell
you exactly what to say so that it all goes perfectly.
Speaker 5 (15:17):
Hold on, am I some sort of joke to y'all?
Are you sending me to this date with a two
way microphone so you can do some sort of covert
ops listening in on me? Jerry that is outrageous, so
outrageous that it just might work. Well, got another one,
(15:39):
just caught a woman with a dog in the store
and had to kick him out. Well, Feller was wearing
a don't pit me, I'm working jacket. Yeah, as if victory.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
That woman was blind.
Speaker 5 (15:50):
Oh so maybe she didn't know the dog was with her.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
This is a C and I dog man.
Speaker 7 (15:55):
Joe, did you surely just kick Biden's dog Commander out
of the White House because he kept biting Secret Service members?
That's like whatever the opposite of a service dog is.
That's like an anti service dog, anti secret service dog.
Speaker 8 (16:08):
But let's be honest. All German shepherds are Republicans, all
of them. Maltese though those are liberal bitches.
Speaker 7 (16:16):
It's kind of their own fault for naming that dog commander, Like,
how do you expect him to know that you're in charge?
His name is commander.
Speaker 5 (16:25):
You salute the rank, not the dog.
Speaker 4 (16:27):
So I don't know. Maybe Biden has one of those
racist dogs. Are any of these secret Service members black?
You know how people like the dog will bark at
you and they'll be like, oh, he never does this,
and I'm like yeah, because you're never around Black people.
That's why he never does this. He's from that lineage
of people that was down there during Jim Crow. He's
a Boycott German Shepherd breed. Like do they trick that paperwork?
(16:48):
Twenty three and meter this dog? Let's get his background.
Let's see where this dog really came from.
Speaker 8 (16:53):
And we know how those German shepherds vote GOP GOP.
Speaker 7 (16:59):
Can can German severers vote. I think the dog's probably
just angry, which I would be too. If someone had
cut my nuts off, that anger would never fad. There's
no statute of limitations on the ball's ectomy. You cut
off my balls. I am biting everything with two legs
until they take me down.
Speaker 8 (17:16):
Did you know there was a second dog that has
left the White House for biding people? What the hell
are these bidens doing with these dogs? Is Hunter giving
them crack?
Speaker 7 (17:26):
I'm telling you it's the names right. The older dog
was major, the younger dog is commander. So the younger
dog outranks the older dog, which is very confused. We
need a dog. We need General the dog, and General
the dog shows up and they'll play down the law.
And then we need President dog, and the President dog
will keep the general dog in line.
Speaker 5 (17:47):
Well, it's all chemical really, like you're saying, it's hormonal,
and some people give off a pheromone that dogs just
instinctively dislike. They can't help it. I mean, I had
a dog trying to buy me as I walk to
work today. It's no one's fault. It's just that the dog.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
The dog.
Speaker 7 (18:07):
Stop, make eye contact, Bye.
Speaker 3 (18:21):
Bye.
Speaker 8 (18:24):
I just got to take off these shoes. After I'm
done here, I have to do the dog walking gig,
and then on the weekends I drive for greb Hub
And when I have time in between all those three jobs,
I work on my ETSYT.
Speaker 7 (18:37):
Yeah, it's like a hustle economy out there, like that
that cop in Minneapolis who got recognized at a traffic
stop because she also has an only Fans where she
has sex with her husband, and.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
I give a whole new meaning to the phrase fuck
the police.
Speaker 8 (18:50):
She'd better not be using that night stick on her
only Fans page. That's government property, and my tax dollars
shouldn't have to pay for your butt stuff.
Speaker 7 (18:59):
Do you think that happened, because like, okay, maybe first
she was a stripper. They used to dress up as
a cop, but then it turned out when she like
put on the uniform. She was like, oh no, I'm
actually qualified to be a cop.
Speaker 4 (19:11):
The stripper of the cop pipeline is very slam. Not
a cop with a strip pipeline is a little bit
more feasible.
Speaker 8 (19:18):
Okay, okay, I mean my batch the Red Party, I
employed at least three stripper cops.
Speaker 7 (19:23):
It's really tricky where you don't know if someone in
a uniform is a stripper or a cop. And pornography
is only promoting unrealistic expectations because like the other night,
a cop pulled me over and she was like, er,
licensed registration please, And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, officer.
Have I been a bad little boy? She was like,
you were going seventy five and a forty five and
(19:44):
I'm like, hmm, do I need to be punished? And
then she just wrote me a ticket, but she was
really giving off sexy cop vibes.
Speaker 5 (19:54):
You know, all you want to do is spend a
few minutes engaging in some intimacy with yourself, just some whole,
some marital intercourse. And now the police state has my
credit card number, I mean your credit card number. If
you were the hypothetical person in this made up story.
Speaker 7 (20:13):
I think you need to feel shame about this, Victor,
and I don't see why we as a society can't
celebrate her body and her ability to do her job.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
You know, I support her though.
Speaker 4 (20:24):
I mean, we finally got an officer that doesn't turn
off a body can when she does, I'm dirty.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
That's refreshing.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
Bye, Okay, Victor. The mic is set up. We can
hear everything you too are saying in the coffee shop.
We believe in you, Victor. Just say you what we
tell you to say.
Speaker 5 (20:41):
Copy.
Speaker 8 (20:43):
Yeah, Victor says something anything.
Speaker 5 (20:48):
Nobody's talking, So, Darla, how's your coffee? You know it's
a natural laxative.
Speaker 8 (20:55):
Okay, maybe don't talk.
Speaker 9 (20:57):
Coffee's good, Victor?
Speaker 7 (20:59):
Thanks, Okay, you got a nick be like, Oh man,
this is what you look like. You're hot. Your picture
is garbage, but you're hot.
Speaker 5 (21:10):
You're awfully sweaty. You must be quite hot. Maybe it's
just the atmosphere of the shop, but just glowing like.
Speaker 9 (21:17):
A horse, uncomfortable.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
Hey, Victor, is she looking for some new fall clothes?
Because you could tell her about by Well's special with
Women's Crew next sweaters twelve dollars.
Speaker 8 (21:30):
No one should wear those sweaters.
Speaker 4 (21:32):
No, don't, don't, don't.
Speaker 9 (21:34):
Don't.
Speaker 4 (21:34):
Just be honest with them, Victor, tell us something you
really care about.
Speaker 5 (21:38):
Okay, you know, Darla, I recently had COVID.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
Oh yeah, that's probably not the way to go.
Speaker 5 (21:45):
Bud, And having experienced the virus, I no longer think
that it was created as a means to lower the
population and instigate the Great Reset. I'm now convinced that
the Deep state's real end game was the vaccine. They
wanted to in plant hit so their quantum computers could
monitor our conversations.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
Okay, everyone, that was a good try, But it looks
like Victor started talking crazy stuff and the date is
probably over somehow.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
I'm just going to go hells and shut this off. Here.
Speaker 10 (22:14):
By deep states, I assume you mean the lizard people
who I'm referring to as the archons, and they're not
just monitoring our brainwave patterns. The batteries of their starships
are actually fueled by our neuro activity. They're literally draining
our intellect to power their technology. So if you've been
(22:36):
feeling tired lately, that's gotta be it.
Speaker 5 (22:38):
Well, Darling, that is an interesting theory.
Speaker 10 (22:42):
Excuse me, Victor, I actually have to go take a tink.
Speaker 5 (22:44):
Oh uh, bathrooms right back there.
Speaker 9 (22:47):
The coffee exactly. This one's number two. I lied the
first time.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
Wow, Victors, she's perfect.
Speaker 4 (22:56):
You or.
Speaker 5 (23:01):
Just wow, that is definitely gonna be a pass from me. No, y'all,
did you hear that bologney about the lizard people? The
batteries of their spaceships are fueled by our brain's neural activity. No. No,
they are cultivating our population so that they can dine
(23:21):
upon the flesh of our young. I mean, where is
she getting this stuff?
Speaker 7 (23:27):
Victor? Is it the Jerry situation? She is way harder
than you. You need to lock this down now.
Speaker 5 (23:34):
Also, I gotta say she didn't bring up how I
look in my foboo jacket once. Anyway, there's a few
other fine damsels in this coffee shop. Perhaps I can
come see who else is available. Hello there, miss, the
name is Victor. I've been glancing at the screenplay you're
writing over your shoulder. I have a couple notes. Would
(23:56):
you care to exchange your dresses?
Speaker 9 (23:57):
Victor? Is this in front of yours?
Speaker 5 (23:59):
I think it's best if perhaps some uh go uh
coffee's doing a number on my inards.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
As well.
Speaker 9 (24:08):
Okay, yeah, I'm up for a walk.
Speaker 5 (24:10):
Okay, I'm gonna walk very quickly.
Speaker 9 (24:15):
Have you seen these legs. I'm basically a daddy long legs.
That's what he's to Carmen Jim.
Speaker 5 (24:20):
Really keeping up with me, y'all.
Speaker 9 (24:22):
Let love win.
Speaker 7 (24:24):
She's got spider legs, just like on your vision for.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
I'm not gonna be able to outrun them.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
I was gonna turn off the mic, but now I
want to see where this goes, saying help, I'm being tackled.
Speaker 9 (24:34):
Oops, I fell. Now that I've got you in my clutches.
It we do like a little role player. I'm a
priangmantis and you're my husband.
Speaker 5 (24:43):
Huh oh lord, they kill after they mate, it's all happy.
Oh my gosh, boy, this for a freeway embankment. This
is very comfortable.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
Wow, that's a really tight grip.
Speaker 9 (24:58):
I've actually steen here over night.
Speaker 7 (25:01):
What a woman?
Speaker 9 (25:02):
Oh my pillow is still here?
Speaker 2 (25:04):
Bye? Well.
Speaker 11 (25:06):
Employees Only is produced by Imagine Audio and Pretty Fast
for iHeartMedia.
Speaker 8 (25:11):
Produced by Timothy Furnara. The associate producer is Wesley Hayes.
Speaker 11 (25:15):
It is executive produced by Ron Howard Brian Grazerkarra Welker,
Nathan Cloke and Jared Logan. Editing by Timothy Furnara, Mixing
by j Palizi, Casting by Sherry Henderson. Original music composed.
Speaker 8 (25:30):
By Alloy Tras.
Speaker 11 (25:31):
Liz is played by Kara klink Rich is played by
Kurt Roneller.
Speaker 8 (25:36):
Victor is played by Ross Bryant. Marcia is played by
Madison Shepherd. Arnold is played by James Odomier. Nia is
played by Keisha Zler.
Speaker 11 (25:46):
Shilah is played by Suba Argiwaal, and Darry is played
by Jared Logan.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Bye Well
Attention Shoppers. Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy
podcast about the fictional big box store. Any similarity to
real stores or real people is completely.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Cool, incidental, all right.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
So if a child is lost in the store, they
probably just got separated from their parents. Don't assume that
it has something to do with human trafficking.
Speaker 4 (00:26):
Oh.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
Also, if you see a blonde woman back here in
the back who's not in uniform, that's my wife.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Okay, you got a white.
Speaker 5 (00:33):
What kudos to you, Jerry. I'm surprised, but heck, if
I had the money, i'd order somebody from Eastern Europe too.
Speaker 6 (00:42):
Stakes to bis nothing, we don't say everything.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Okay, she's not from Eastern Europe, definitely.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
She's actually from Georgia.
Speaker 7 (01:00):
Okay, so now we know why you have to make
one hundred k year.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
She's not after my money. Actually, she manages the Joeanne fabrics,
so she's doing fine for herself.
Speaker 5 (01:11):
It's probably sending most of it back to her family
in Tbilisi, the capital of Georgia.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
I meant I met Georgia, of the state she's from, making.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
I have a.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Picture of her right here.
Speaker 7 (01:20):
Look, this is Bethany, whoa who.
Speaker 8 (01:25):
Hurt with you something?
Speaker 5 (01:27):
He looks like she should be dating an Argentinian soccer
player or something.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
Jerry, what can I say? I got game?
Speaker 7 (01:34):
You tell me not to be weird, but your wife
is a full on smoke show. Absolutely smashed that at
the first off.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
Don't talk about smashing my wife. Okay, I'm gonna draw
the line there, and frankly, I'm starting to get a
little mad. So guys, let's please keep it professional, okay.
Speaker 5 (01:51):
Jerry, I, for one, I'm just happy that you found love. Okay. Honestly,
I've been a certified bachelor for will I guess my
entire life. I'm still looking for missus right. I'm on
all the dating apps, Tender Hinge, Bumble, Women behind Bars,
Lady Farmers Only, Christian Mingle, Jade, Date, Coffee meets Bagel,
(02:14):
plenty of fish. That's one hold up getting a message.
Oh my lord, Oh my lord, I have a match.
I got a match, y'all, and she messaged me names Darla.
She wants to know if I'd like to get coffee
with her.
Speaker 6 (02:33):
My wife is real by I was kind of hoping
that there would be a government shut down, seeing as
how all governments are just a form of mind control.
Speaker 5 (02:46):
I was kind of looking forward to it all coming
to a screech and haul.
Speaker 8 (02:50):
Yeah, And I can't believe that Kevin curthy guy barely
stopped the government shut down and then Matt Gates got
him voted out of the position of Speaker of the House.
I mean, what's going on with the Republicans?
Speaker 9 (03:01):
You know?
Speaker 4 (03:02):
Listen, man, Kevin McCarthy managed to prevent a shutdown and
he's still got fired. That just shows you what the
government's about. Hey, hold on, we do not do our
job here. This dude must have a humiliation fetish. He
went through fifteen rounds of vote and to be confirmed,
then had his job stripped away by his own party.
The only way it could have been more humiliating is
that Matt Gates find him while he was walking him
(03:23):
on a dog leash and some high heels and the
hot top of T shirt corn wax on his back
talking about Shane.
Speaker 7 (03:28):
This is his own fault. When they elected him speaker,
he let them put a clause in that anyone could
initiate a vote to fire him. That's bad business. This
guy is bad app business. When I got hired at Bywell,
I put in a clause that they can't fire me,
and I wrote it on the back of my application
and permanent marker.
Speaker 5 (03:47):
That's why we have to understand and learn what is
written on the back of the constitution. There could be
all kinds of awesome laws we have no idea about.
Speaker 7 (03:55):
That's what I'm saying. We don't know what's on there
right like, and it's probably what the secret founders wanted
the country to really be.
Speaker 5 (04:02):
Like exactly like, instead of thirteen original colonies, it should
have been thirteen zones that lived in a state of
perpetual war. Or perhaps they had forged and accord with
the Atlanteans and we could have states right now out
in the Atlantic Ocean.
Speaker 7 (04:18):
Hell yeah, and they're all out there with like beach
shell bikinis, looking hot as hell, and they're just like
going at it there. You know what I mean.
Speaker 8 (04:27):
You think it's water World meets Little Mermaid.
Speaker 7 (04:30):
No, it's way hotter than water World. I guess it's. Yeah,
it's as hot as that first scene in Little Mermaid
where Triton's like the live action one, no, no, no,
the cartoon Triton's like, here are all my daughters and
then this crab's like, I know what's up, and then
you never see the daughters again. What's going on with
all those daughters.
Speaker 5 (04:49):
It turns out that our founding fathers both had to
throw off the yoke of King George the Third in Triton,
the King of the.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Sea Kevin McCarthy fifty eight.
Speaker 4 (04:57):
This means this might be the first time Matt Gates
has screwed someone I could legally vote.
Speaker 5 (05:00):
It's a circular firing squad and they're just willing to
kick a civil servant off to the curve. This is
like when all those parents voted to remove me as
the school crossing guard just because they quote didn't like
my vibe unquote.
Speaker 8 (05:16):
I was one of the parents, and you helped a
child one at a time cross the street. My children
were a half hour late.
Speaker 5 (05:24):
Safety is my primary concern.
Speaker 8 (05:26):
And you don't hold the ninth grader by the hand
crossing the street.
Speaker 5 (05:30):
You know, in retrospect, I can see how I lost
the War of optics. Did you know you don't even
have to be elected to the House of Representatives to
be Speaker of the House of Representatives. What a country.
Probably because they assumed they wouldn't need a rule for that,
much like how the Golden crowd I visited assume they
don't need a rule against people adding more food to
(05:52):
the buffet. I still maintain that my cricket protein balls
would have been a huge hit. It's all you can
eat and all you can add.
Speaker 7 (05:58):
You just brought food in a left buffet.
Speaker 5 (06:01):
Yeah, I got a ziploc bag full of cricket protein
balls that I added to the buffet somewhere between the
chicken fingers and the soft serve machine. I also gave
protein balls to the kids that I would bring across
the street as a crossing guard, much to the parent's criticism.
Speaker 4 (06:16):
Yeah, they probably got you fired protein balls. The kids
should never be said in the sentence.
Speaker 5 (06:22):
Needless to say, these protein balls will give you the
power and self assurance that our friend Kevin McCarthy lacks.
Speaker 7 (06:29):
Do you know who would be a great speaker of
the house Joe Rogan, because there's literally no one on
the planet who's better at speaking, and if people were
going to like vote the wrong way, he'd just be like,
I guess you don't want to smoke blunts with Chappelle
check may everybody wants to smoke blunts with Chappelle.
Speaker 5 (06:47):
It's all very complicated, but I can explain what happened
with the help of some visual aids. Okay, so imagine
this bottle of ketchup is Kevin McCarthy, in this lunchbox
is the House of Representatives, and this jar of mayonnaise
is Matt Gates. And this claw hammer is the motion
of vacate. Okay, see, now that's a huge mess.
Speaker 7 (07:07):
Are we just smashing stuff in this room now? Because
I'd love that?
Speaker 5 (07:11):
Well, now now that I realize I'm the one who's
going to be cleaning it up, I regret my decisions. Ah,
dang it, Timbo, that was the one chair that didn't wobble.
Speaker 7 (07:21):
Who the chair recognizes getting smashed on the floor my.
Speaker 5 (07:25):
Guy by Well, oh damn it, y'all. Jerry just gave
me a paycheck again. I told him I don't believe
in banks and would only like to be paid in
cash or precious metals.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Well, then you better go to Costco.
Speaker 4 (07:40):
They're selling gold now, like for real, Seriously, they have
one house gold bars for sale and.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
They keep selling that one. Really.
Speaker 4 (07:48):
Yeah, that's crazy. I'm glad I don't work at Costco.
Instead of shoplifters. Now I'm gonna have to be dealing
with George Clooney in his Ocean's eleven Gang are twelve
or thirteen?
Speaker 2 (07:57):
Well, I guess if they do it, is it to
be fourteen.
Speaker 5 (08:00):
It's hard to imagine the Ocean squad like a George
Clooney and Brad Pitt trying to swag out in Vegas
with some Kirkling signature brand gold bars.
Speaker 7 (08:10):
I hate that they put the logo on it. How
are you supposed to show it to chicks and pretend
you're an international treasure hunter.
Speaker 4 (08:16):
And you know it's gonna be at least one guy
that's gonna be waiting for the samples. Like when the
Gold Lady coming out, they not giving gold samples.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Bro, how would you even sample gold? What are you
gonna do? Lick it? Like everybody gets the liquor corner.
Speaker 5 (08:29):
To bite the edge like an old prospector.
Speaker 7 (08:32):
Man, I would love to be a treasure hunter, just
going to like other countries and like taking their shit
and be like, man, this is mine.
Speaker 8 (08:38):
That's just called being British.
Speaker 4 (08:41):
It does make owning gold a little less cool, Like
rappers like to have gold and diamonds. But you know
if you got it from the wrong place, they'll have
something to say, like, bitch, you got Costco gold. Your
diamonds are cloudy as hell. Where you get them?
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Diamonds from Walmart diamonds?
Speaker 4 (08:57):
Yeah, you got Target diamonds. Your point is ain't hitting man,
Your diamond's cloudy. Your gold came from Costco, Your baby mama,
ain't shit. I can't wait till the disc tracks come out. Man,
I'm not getting no Costco gold. You won't see me
with Costco go.
Speaker 5 (09:14):
It's a volume business, and I understand they're technically a competitor,
but it's the best store to shop at if you're
trying to supply an underground nuclear bunker. Also, I mean
think about it. One hundred pack of toilet paper, ten
gallon can of baked beans, a gold bar you can
use to barter with gangs of mutant raiders from the outlands. Yeah,
(09:35):
Costco is the one.
Speaker 4 (09:36):
Gold isn't the only investment opportunity Costco has either. Don't
think that, Like I just diversify. I invest in crab legs.
The price fluctuates frequently. I freeze them, I peel the
sticker off, and I take them back, and I sell
them back at a premium every Sunday.
Speaker 8 (09:54):
I think Costco has a good business model. Maybe we
should be in membership only club as well.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
Well.
Speaker 8 (10:00):
That way that lady who doesn't wear pants will stop
coming in and making deep eye contact with me.
Speaker 7 (10:06):
Yeah, normally someone comes in without wearing pants. I'm like, Okay,
you're just trying to get right to the point, but
there's something else going on there.
Speaker 8 (10:14):
Yeah, I mean she wants you to look. That's her
whole thing.
Speaker 4 (10:17):
You can't sell gold bars if we wanted to. Here,
we can't keep people from stealing the goldfish, the crackers,
and the actual fish.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
Like it's a lot of people.
Speaker 4 (10:26):
That come in and try to walk out with an
actual goldfish in their mouth.
Speaker 8 (10:30):
I thought it was stupid that we started selling goldfish
in the first place.
Speaker 7 (10:33):
I think our whole aquarium section is fucking wild. I'll
be the first to say, we.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
Don't sell turtles. How do they take over every tank?
Speaker 8 (10:42):
I mean, I found turtles in my lingerie section. You
ever want to see turtles in lingerie?
Speaker 7 (10:48):
No, I do, but only in a very specific Reddit forum.
And the turtles walk on two legs.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Don't you desecrate the dinger turtles?
Speaker 7 (10:58):
Where the lady turtle? That's all I'm saying. Why are
they all?
Speaker 2 (11:01):
He had one? It was Venus de Milo and it
was very disturbing, right.
Speaker 7 (11:05):
And her color was like light blue or something.
Speaker 2 (11:07):
It was very disturbing.
Speaker 8 (11:09):
You don't like turtle titties.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
At at all, Like, how do they even work?
Speaker 7 (11:12):
That's what's so cool about them. They shouldn't work, but
they do. Bye Bye, Victor. Victor, My dude, I just
wanted to check in before you go on this date,
like what's your strategy? Looking like you got this or
you need some pointers.
Speaker 5 (11:33):
Honestly, Timbo, it's been so long since I met any one.
I'm I'm actually a little nervous.
Speaker 7 (11:40):
Yeah, yeah, that's okay. So what you need to do
is you need to go in there and like nag her.
You know what that means. Umm, Basically, you say really
mean shit to her to make her feel bad about herself,
and then she's like, then she has something to prove
to you. You know, you want to go in there
and be like, God, you're stupid. Okay, So here's neist
watch here, check up.
Speaker 8 (12:02):
Gosh, anyone else find a cold in the store.
Speaker 7 (12:06):
No, it's so hot. I can't believe your skin is
so weak that it makes you feel so cold. Also,
that top doesn't go with those shoes.
Speaker 8 (12:14):
Nia, I'm wearing my uniform, you dummy. Are you trying
to neg me? Are you trying to neg me?
Speaker 7 (12:20):
Victor? When she called me dumb, I was like, hold on,
am I attracted?
Speaker 4 (12:25):
Oh?
Speaker 8 (12:25):
That's right, you have your date. First off, do not
listen to Timbo Victor, listen to me. I'm a woman,
I know how to date. So when you first go out,
make sure you get some drinks, but you don't get
too drunk, because then you're gonna start mouthing off about
the NBA and how you could have played ball. You
could have been balling harder than Steph Curry if you
(12:46):
hadn't torn your rotator cuff. And Victor, whatever you do,
do not piss all over her bathroom, all over the
toilet seat. Women work too hard to do with your
piss all over the bathroom.
Speaker 5 (12:56):
Okay, well yeah, these are very specific notes.
Speaker 8 (13:00):
But if she has kids, make sure you really watch them,
you know, don't just say you're going to watch them
and you're watching the sports and one of them sticks
a corner in the nose and has to go to
the er, like take her on a date, really treat.
Speaker 5 (13:14):
Her right, extremely specific advice. Thank you, niya, and don't worry.
As a custodian, I'm i'm I'm well aware of the
dangers that the bathroom can can reveal. Nagging and clean
bathroom victim.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Man.
Speaker 4 (13:30):
Look, just come over here, my lock. I got a
few things I can Okay, yeah, put that up to you. Yeah,
you see it.
Speaker 5 (13:38):
So it is this sort of a sort of a
distressed jacket. Now what does fu boo mean?
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Exactly?
Speaker 4 (13:44):
Yeah, no, see is for us, by us, So you
can wear it, but like, don't get crazy. Don't think
like you can say the N word or nothing like that.
Hold on, look, check this out. Try this all right here?
Speaker 5 (13:56):
Look at this, lord, don't I don't think i've ever
seen pants this skin Yeah.
Speaker 4 (14:01):
Yeah, yeah, that's what it's about. Skinny jeans and fat shoes.
It shows you got money right here, lord.
Speaker 5 (14:08):
Look at all these zippers to nowhere.
Speaker 4 (14:11):
Oh yeah, those zippers are not real. You're just gonna
touch your thigh every zimple you open. It's gonna be
straight to them. But you can get kind of freaky
with it too. So that's the thing. The access all right,
Yeah yeah, zipped you at the knee and she crept up.
Yeah you see all right, you go all right, you're
gonna be all right, You're gonna be all right.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Check this out, Check this out. The these glasses, you
got to put these on.
Speaker 5 (14:36):
Man.
Speaker 4 (14:36):
You gotta put your shades on. Man, don't take off
of nobody.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
These are yeah, now I blacked them out. Put them on.
Speaker 4 (14:44):
Once you're sitting down like like like like, look where
you're going by looking over them.
Speaker 5 (14:49):
I gotta say, I'm really only seeing really just the
fluorescent lights are making it right.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
I wanted to come in and just say, before you
go on your date, Victor, we believe in you and
we know you can do this.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Well.
Speaker 5 (15:03):
Well, thank you, Jerry, thank you every much.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
Why I had Liz set up this two way microphone
so we can listen in on your date and tell
you exactly what to say so that it all goes perfectly.
Speaker 5 (15:17):
Hold on, am I some sort of joke to y'all?
Are you sending me to this date with a two
way microphone so you can do some sort of covert
ops listening in on me? Jerry that is outrageous, so
outrageous that it just might work. Well, got another one,
(15:39):
just caught a woman with a dog in the store
and had to kick him out. Well, Feller was wearing
a don't pit me, I'm working jacket. Yeah, as if victory.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
That woman was blind.
Speaker 5 (15:50):
Oh so maybe she didn't know the dog was with her.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
This is a C and I dog man.
Speaker 7 (15:55):
Joe, did you surely just kick Biden's dog Commander out
of the White House because he kept biting Secret Service members?
That's like whatever the opposite of a service dog is.
That's like an anti service dog, anti secret service dog.
Speaker 8 (16:08):
But let's be honest. All German shepherds are Republicans, all
of them. Maltese though those are liberal bitches.
Speaker 7 (16:16):
It's kind of their own fault for naming that dog commander, Like,
how do you expect him to know that you're in charge?
His name is commander.
Speaker 5 (16:25):
You salute the rank, not the dog.
Speaker 4 (16:27):
So I don't know. Maybe Biden has one of those
racist dogs. Are any of these secret Service members black?
You know how people like the dog will bark at
you and they'll be like, oh, he never does this,
and I'm like yeah, because you're never around Black people.
That's why he never does this. He's from that lineage
of people that was down there during Jim Crow. He's
a Boycott German Shepherd breed. Like do they trick that paperwork?
(16:48):
Twenty three and meter this dog? Let's get his background.
Let's see where this dog really came from.
Speaker 8 (16:53):
And we know how those German shepherds vote GOP GOP.
Speaker 7 (16:59):
Can can German severers vote. I think the dog's probably
just angry, which I would be too. If someone had
cut my nuts off, that anger would never fad. There's
no statute of limitations on the ball's ectomy. You cut
off my balls. I am biting everything with two legs
until they take me down.
Speaker 8 (17:16):
Did you know there was a second dog that has
left the White House for biding people? What the hell
are these bidens doing with these dogs? Is Hunter giving
them crack?
Speaker 7 (17:26):
I'm telling you it's the names right. The older dog
was major, the younger dog is commander. So the younger
dog outranks the older dog, which is very confused. We
need a dog. We need General the dog, and General
the dog shows up and they'll play down the law.
And then we need President dog, and the President dog
will keep the general dog in line.
Speaker 5 (17:47):
Well, it's all chemical really, like you're saying, it's hormonal,
and some people give off a pheromone that dogs just
instinctively dislike. They can't help it. I mean, I had
a dog trying to buy me as I walk to
work today. It's no one's fault. It's just that the dog.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
The dog.
Speaker 7 (18:07):
Stop, make eye contact, Bye.
Speaker 3 (18:21):
Bye.
Speaker 8 (18:24):
I just got to take off these shoes. After I'm
done here, I have to do the dog walking gig,
and then on the weekends I drive for greb Hub
And when I have time in between all those three jobs,
I work on my ETSYT.
Speaker 7 (18:37):
Yeah, it's like a hustle economy out there, like that
that cop in Minneapolis who got recognized at a traffic
stop because she also has an only Fans where she
has sex with her husband, and.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
I give a whole new meaning to the phrase fuck
the police.
Speaker 8 (18:50):
She'd better not be using that night stick on her
only Fans page. That's government property, and my tax dollars
shouldn't have to pay for your butt stuff.
Speaker 7 (18:59):
Do you think that happened, because like, okay, maybe first
she was a stripper. They used to dress up as
a cop, but then it turned out when she like
put on the uniform. She was like, oh no, I'm
actually qualified to be a cop.
Speaker 4 (19:11):
The stripper of the cop pipeline is very slam. Not
a cop with a strip pipeline is a little bit
more feasible.
Speaker 8 (19:18):
Okay, okay, I mean my batch the Red Party, I
employed at least three stripper cops.
Speaker 7 (19:23):
It's really tricky where you don't know if someone in
a uniform is a stripper or a cop. And pornography
is only promoting unrealistic expectations because like the other night,
a cop pulled me over and she was like, er,
licensed registration please, And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, officer.
Have I been a bad little boy? She was like,
you were going seventy five and a forty five and
(19:44):
I'm like, hmm, do I need to be punished? And
then she just wrote me a ticket, but she was
really giving off sexy cop vibes.
Speaker 5 (19:54):
You know, all you want to do is spend a
few minutes engaging in some intimacy with yourself, just some whole,
some marital intercourse. And now the police state has my
credit card number, I mean your credit card number. If
you were the hypothetical person in this made up story.
Speaker 7 (20:13):
I think you need to feel shame about this, Victor,
and I don't see why we as a society can't
celebrate her body and her ability to do her job.
Speaker 2 (20:22):
You know, I support her though.
Speaker 4 (20:24):
I mean, we finally got an officer that doesn't turn
off a body can when she does, I'm dirty.
Speaker 2 (20:29):
That's refreshing.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
Bye, Okay, Victor. The mic is set up. We can
hear everything you too are saying in the coffee shop.
We believe in you, Victor. Just say you what we
tell you to say.
Speaker 5 (20:41):
Copy.
Speaker 8 (20:43):
Yeah, Victor says something anything.
Speaker 5 (20:48):
Nobody's talking, So, Darla, how's your coffee? You know it's
a natural laxative.
Speaker 8 (20:55):
Okay, maybe don't talk.
Speaker 9 (20:57):
Coffee's good, Victor?
Speaker 7 (20:59):
Thanks, Okay, you got a nick be like, Oh man,
this is what you look like. You're hot. Your picture
is garbage, but you're hot.
Speaker 5 (21:10):
You're awfully sweaty. You must be quite hot. Maybe it's
just the atmosphere of the shop, but just glowing like.
Speaker 9 (21:17):
A horse, uncomfortable.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
Hey, Victor, is she looking for some new fall clothes?
Because you could tell her about by Well's special with
Women's Crew next sweaters twelve dollars.
Speaker 8 (21:30):
No one should wear those sweaters.
Speaker 4 (21:32):
No, don't, don't, don't.
Speaker 9 (21:34):
Don't.
Speaker 4 (21:34):
Just be honest with them, Victor, tell us something you
really care about.
Speaker 5 (21:38):
Okay, you know, Darla, I recently had COVID.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
Oh yeah, that's probably not the way to go.
Speaker 5 (21:45):
Bud, And having experienced the virus, I no longer think
that it was created as a means to lower the
population and instigate the Great Reset. I'm now convinced that
the Deep state's real end game was the vaccine. They
wanted to in plant hit so their quantum computers could
monitor our conversations.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
Okay, everyone, that was a good try, But it looks
like Victor started talking crazy stuff and the date is
probably over somehow.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
I'm just going to go hells and shut this off. Here.
Speaker 10 (22:14):
By deep states, I assume you mean the lizard people
who I'm referring to as the archons, and they're not
just monitoring our brainwave patterns. The batteries of their starships
are actually fueled by our neuro activity. They're literally draining
our intellect to power their technology. So if you've been
(22:36):
feeling tired lately, that's gotta be it.
Speaker 5 (22:38):
Well, Darling, that is an interesting theory.
Speaker 10 (22:42):
Excuse me, Victor, I actually have to go take a tink.
Speaker 5 (22:44):
Oh uh, bathrooms right back there.
Speaker 9 (22:47):
The coffee exactly. This one's number two. I lied the
first time.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
Wow, Victors, she's perfect.
Speaker 4 (22:56):
You or.
Speaker 5 (23:01):
Just wow, that is definitely gonna be a pass from me. No, y'all,
did you hear that bologney about the lizard people? The
batteries of their spaceships are fueled by our brain's neural activity. No. No,
they are cultivating our population so that they can dine
(23:21):
upon the flesh of our young. I mean, where is
she getting this stuff?
Speaker 7 (23:27):
Victor? Is it the Jerry situation? She is way harder
than you. You need to lock this down now.
Speaker 5 (23:34):
Also, I gotta say she didn't bring up how I
look in my foboo jacket once. Anyway, there's a few
other fine damsels in this coffee shop. Perhaps I can
come see who else is available. Hello there, miss, the
name is Victor. I've been glancing at the screenplay you're
writing over your shoulder. I have a couple notes. Would
(23:56):
you care to exchange your dresses?
Speaker 9 (23:57):
Victor? Is this in front of yours?
Speaker 5 (23:59):
I think it's best if perhaps some uh go uh
coffee's doing a number on my inards.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
As well.
Speaker 9 (24:08):
Okay, yeah, I'm up for a walk.
Speaker 5 (24:10):
Okay, I'm gonna walk very quickly.
Speaker 9 (24:15):
Have you seen these legs. I'm basically a daddy long legs.
That's what he's to Carmen Jim.
Speaker 5 (24:20):
Really keeping up with me, y'all.
Speaker 9 (24:22):
Let love win.
Speaker 7 (24:24):
She's got spider legs, just like on your vision for.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
I'm not gonna be able to outrun them.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
I was gonna turn off the mic, but now I
want to see where this goes, saying help, I'm being tackled.
Speaker 9 (24:34):
Oops, I fell. Now that I've got you in my clutches.
It we do like a little role player. I'm a
priangmantis and you're my husband.
Speaker 5 (24:43):
Huh oh lord, they kill after they mate, it's all happy.
Oh my gosh, boy, this for a freeway embankment. This
is very comfortable.
Speaker 2 (24:56):
Wow, that's a really tight grip.
Speaker 9 (24:58):
I've actually steen here over night.
Speaker 7 (25:01):
What a woman?
Speaker 9 (25:02):
Oh my pillow is still here?
Speaker 2 (25:04):
Bye? Well.
Speaker 11 (25:06):
Employees Only is produced by Imagine Audio and Pretty Fast
for iHeartMedia.
Speaker 8 (25:11):
Produced by Timothy Furnara. The associate producer is Wesley Hayes.
Speaker 11 (25:15):
It is executive produced by Ron Howard Brian Grazerkarra Welker,
Nathan Cloke and Jared Logan. Editing by Timothy Furnara, Mixing
by j Palizi, Casting by Sherry Henderson. Original music composed.
Speaker 8 (25:30):
By Alloy Tras.
Speaker 11 (25:31):
Liz is played by Kara klink Rich is played by
Kurt Roneller.
Speaker 8 (25:36):
Victor is played by Ross Bryant. Marcia is played by
Madison Shepherd. Arnold is played by James Odomier. Nia is
played by Keisha Zler.
Speaker 11 (25:46):
Shilah is played by Suba Argiwaal, and Darry is played
by Jared Logan.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Bye Well
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