July 6, 2023 • 23 mins
This week Amara talks to listeners one-on-one about a very personal topic, child support. She opens up about her own experiences growing up with one parent, what life’s like being a single mom herself, and how its more than just about the money but about the emotional support too.
Trigger warning: This episode touches on sensitive material including things like depression. It may be triggering for some individuals. If you need support, call or text 9-8-8 for help. The lifeline is free and confidential.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome, Welcome, guys, welcome to the show.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
I Am amadaa Negra and you are listening to Exactly Amada,
a production of iHeart. By the way, guys, thank you
so much for tuning in and don't forget to give
us those five stars. Subscribe to the podcast on your
favorite platform.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Go ahead to the YouTube channel.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Where you can basically watch or listen to any of
the past podcasts, researching for micro through that podcast and.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Clicking on Exactly Amada.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Today, we're gonna be talking about something that's very important,
something that hits home because I also come from a
single mother, a hardworking mother, and now as a single
mother myself, I understand more than ever the importance of
the terminology child support.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
So today we're gonna be talking about child support.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
I know it's a very sensitive topic, and obviously for
those that I have been watching Love and Hip Hop Miami,
I know that that has been a topic of conversation
because of Safari. You guys know that Safari and I
have been day and try to figure things out, and
that has been a big topic of conversation. Should you
date someone that doesn't pay child support? What about if
(01:09):
he pays child support? Should that be something that should
be any of your concern? All those child support questions,
I think is important when you are in a relationship,
when you're finishing a relationship, how you should go about it,
Should you go about it? When is it important for
you to put your foot down and actually take it
the legal route.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Is it worth it taking it the legal route? Is
it more.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
Beneficial financially or can it actually be more damaging as
a man?
Speaker 1 (01:36):
How are you.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Supposed to handle that situation from being, you know, a
parent who pays child support. I know I've shared here
all about my personal life and how over the last
year I've been raising you know, my kids, my children
on my own, and of course I'm not the only
one out here that's been going through the same thing.
I know there's a lot of single parents, male and female,
(02:00):
who have taken all the responsibility, some by choice, some
haven't had a choice but to do it. But there's
a lot of single parents who can relate. And that's
why to me it was so important to do this episode.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
I mean, I.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
Saw what my own mom had to go through raising
me as a single, hardworking mother, So I feel very
close to this topic, not just because of her, but
obviously because now, unfortunately the patterns have repeated, and I
am now in her same shoes, and I know that
there's a lot of people that know exactly where I'm
coming from. So when things are hot and heavy in
(02:37):
a romantic relationship, you're not thinking about what would happen
if kids are involved, and what would happen if things end.
You're in the moment of love and seeing things on
the good side, the positive side. You know, you think
that things are gonna last forever, and no one ever
really bothers to think, what if things don't work out?
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Will this person really still hold me down?
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Will this person still have enough love for me at
least in the back of their heart of their mind
to think about how this separation cannot only be damaging
to me emotionally and to a certain extent for a
lot of relationships financially as well, when you become codependent
of your partners, but in this case, when you have
children involved in many occasions, the man for the most part,
(03:24):
and women as well, because I know that a lot
of women use their children to manipulate men. I don't
want to put all the weight on men because I
know that there's a lot of women that purposely use
their children to manipulate, to take you know, put that
financial all responsibility on the man, to the point that
now this man is paying more than half of his
you know, of his check, not only for the child,
(03:45):
but now to also feed that woman's lifestyle. As the
twenty twenty two the average cost of raising a child
is around sixteen thousand dollars per year. And that's like
the average, because I know it's.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
Way more for me.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
I mean, my babies drink a gallon of milk a
little bit more than a guy in milk, plus diapers
and white peas, and health insurance and clothing and toys
and this and that, and you know, any incidents that
can occur.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
You also have to be prepared for that financially too.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
So if you count what it would cost until they're
about eighteen years old, you're looking at about almost three
hundred thousand dollars, and that's a lot of money that realistically,
the way that we're living today, not everybody can financially
afford that. And I think that as women as men,
(04:34):
when you're single, you're not really ever thinking about the
responsibility financially of raising a child. But it also comes
from the fact that nobody really talks about it. There's
a lot of pressure on having children. Everybody talks about
having children, to the point that now we have a
big community of people that don't want to have children
because of the fear of the financial responsibility. And let's
(04:54):
not only just talk about the financial responsibility, but overall
the emotional.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
Responsibility of having a child.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
It's a lot in this case, like me, you know,
I wasn't prepared to not only have one, but two.
You know, there's a lot of people out of here
there having triplets and they're surely not prepared for that.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
And I know that there's a lot of government assistance.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
And that's a great thing too, But regardless of that,
it's a lot of weight because no matter how much
anybody else can come in and help you out, you
still feel like it's your responsibility. You brought them into
this world. It is your responsibility to make sure that
everything their education, their food, you know, everything is on point.
Most people don't think of how much a child really costs,
(05:38):
And to me, it's like, why isn't anybody People only
know how to say it is expensive, but why isn't
anybody being specific and letting you know ahead of time,
like listen, okay, if you guys want to you know,
have children, or if you're planning on it, because a
lot of people decide to plan it. I want to
do it after I'm thirty five. I want to do
it after my thirties. I want to do it after
twenty eight, twenty five, whatever the case may be. For
those that plan it, congrects to you, there's many people
(05:59):
that don't planet. So therefore you have to be prepared
to understand that this comes with housing, education, food, medical bills, clothes, childcare,
especially if you're a single parent you know, or maybe
may not have the support of the grandparents to you know,
help out here and there. Daycares are very expensive. Let's
(06:21):
not even go to nanny's if you have a nanny
at home. I'm hearing like anywhere between fifteen hundred a
week in my case for the twins. So if you
have like two kids, it doesn't matter regardless of the age.
You're kind of looking at those numbers, right, It's a lot.
All those things are things that you have to think
about when you select your partner. Hopefully, if you've chosen,
(06:42):
you know, the right person, you won't have to struggle to,
you know, through these things.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
But if not, you're gonna go through it.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
And trust me, you're gonna get it, cause no matter
how much money you have, you're still gonna go through it,
especially emotionally, the fact that you may not have that
person who helped you create this child or these children
not be there to support you emotionally.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
It's a lot.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
You lose money in the beginning because you take time
off from work to have the baby. Obviously, I'm talking
about the women and for the men. You know, you
guys still get to put in that work. Obviously knowing
that you know when you go home, if you're still
going home to that woman, you know you still have
to cater to her. But yes, women for the most part,
have to take some time off to heal. I personally
(07:26):
didn't take any time off. I was working, literally, like
in the hospital. When I got out of the hospital
the week after, I was literally taking flights. I don't
recommend it to anyone, but the pressure of the responsibility
of having to have a you know, a child and
you have to provide for them. And let's pray that
your child doesn't come out with any health conditions, because
(07:47):
if they do, you have to also be prepared for
that financial responsibility as well. So it's a lot I personally,
Like I said, I was working the whole the whole
time through I know a lot of hard working women
that till the.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
Data they give birth, they're working.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
They don't have the privilege of like, oh, I'm just
gonna take this time off.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
You don't get to do that. You have to put
in the work. This is crazy. I don't know if
you guys do.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
But in twenty eighteen, according to the US Department of
Health and Human Services, non because pudo parents across the
country own more than listen to this, one hundred and
fourteen point six billion dollars in child support.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
You got to be kidding me.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
God, I don't even know where to go from there,
because I know so many especially in the African American
community and minority communities, there's so many men that end
up going to jail because they can't afford to pay
child support. I know that everybody has to be responsible,
everybody has to put in their car, but in many
occasions it is tough out here. Financially you could barely
do that, and on top of that, now you have
(08:53):
the responsibility of a judge telling you exactly how much
you have to pay, not to mention that in many occasions,
and I think it's unfair. I almost feel and god,
oh my god, I don't even know how to say this,
because the women is gonna come for me. But if
there were to be like a card where you can
see exactly what the money is being used for. But
then at the same time, as a mom mom, like
if I were to get child support, who cares? You
(09:16):
know how I use the money as long as a
child is being taken care of. Because if I use
the money to pay the house, well that's where your
child lives in. If I use the money to pay electricity,
well that's where the child lives in. You know, if
it's for clothes, if it's for food, if it's for
whatever it is. Even if it were to be for
a small vacation, I don't see it bad because why
should it be just the mother's responsibility to pay for
(09:38):
those things and the father to just pay for the essentials.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
When it comes to child support is a very iffy line.
The same way I think is real iffy when there's
you know, men that financially you know, they don't get
it like that, and they're putting them these high ass
child support balances that they have to pay off the
same way that I see women asking for twenty forty thousand.
I need sixty thousand dollars a month in child support.
(10:04):
I need ten thousand dollars in child support.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Can someone please?
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Can? I need somebody to please inform me how does
this work? Because I know it goes based off the
amount of money that the man makes, and I know,
or you know, for the most part is a father,
because women also in many occasions pay for child support.
But I kind of sometimes thinking is unfair, like when
these are these ridiculous amount of numbers for babies that
(10:28):
are like one, two, three, maybe even at to ten
years old. Where exactly is it that you're spending thirty thousand,
fifty thousand dollars a month in anyways, That's just me,
But if you feel where I'm coming from, please feel
free to hit me up on exactly a matter and
let me know your opinion on this topic. Here's another
important point, the mental health aspect of raising a child
(10:50):
without financial or emotional support. Listen, that is a lot,
because God knows how many nights I've cried myself to
sleep only because no parent prepares himself, for the most part,
to be a single parent, and if you do, one
thing is what you think and another one is to
actually go through it and live the experience yourself. No
one wants to have all the responsibility of having to
(11:12):
take a child, take care of a child by yourself
at nighttime.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
You can't sleep.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
You have to make sure that your child is being fed,
you know, the diapers are being changed, and you're emotionally
being there and nurturing for a child because it's not
their responsibility or their fault what you may be going through.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
So it's a lot.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
I'm lucky that I have my mom to support me
with my girls, and I'm so grateful for her, But
a lot of people don't have that, and I feel
terrible for those that don't because I can only but
imagine the pressure the responsibility, how drain emotionally and physically
you have to be of having to go through the
process of raising a child all by yourself.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
That is a lot.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Something that no one ever wants to talk about either,
is the fact that you burn out as a parent.
You burn out like there is no off time. You
can't turn that off, and you'll never be able to
be like.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
You can't unparent yourself. You will be a parent for
the rest of your life.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
No matter how old your child gets, you will always
feel the responsibility to check out for them, protect them,
make sure that they're, you know, going through the.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Right path, and all those things.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
So I'm saying this only because I know in my
case how easy it is for a father to show
up in the picture after the mother has done all
the work and you're just like, oh, these are my kids.
That's my daughter, that's my son, after the mother had
to be the one to put up with all the
sleepless nights, the extra part time jobs, all those things.
(12:39):
And here's another question I have to Should you want
to ask for child support from a person who doesn't
want to be involved? Should you force a man or
a woman for the most part of man. Should you
force a man to have to financially provide for a
child that they may not want. What about those parents,
those fathers that from the beginning said I don't want
(13:01):
this child.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Should they have to?
Speaker 2 (13:04):
I don't know, that's a really good important question to
me because I wonder how do the men feel in
that aspect when women say I want to have this
child because I want it, but then now the man
says I never wanted it. I told you from the
beginning I didn't want to. So now they're being held
responsible for this child. But at the same time, I
don't know this. These topics get real complicated. I've seen
so many things on social media and on Instagram to
(13:26):
talk about it all the time, so I.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Always wonder that part, and I also want to know.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
I would love to talk to a woman that is
the mother who's paying child support, the mother that is
the one that's paying child support to the man. I
would love to know if there's any women out there
there's been through it or that's going through it. I
want to hear your set of the story. And my
father never gave, you know, pay any child support. I
would not, never, ever in the history of my life,
put the father my children and child support. I'm not
(13:51):
going to be that parent because I just feel like
if it doesn't come from your heart, if you don't
want to be that provider, if you choose not to
do it, I will never pressure you into doing it,
and then I'm also very prideful. I don't ever see
myself doing that. But a lot of people are saying, oh,
you're such a dumb ass. You really should Who cares
you didn't do these kids by yourself? Is there responsibility too?
(14:11):
How do you guys feel about it? Please let me
know here in the comments. While also going back to
the burnout, you know how parents burnt out and get
exhausted and get tired. I mean, I know that you
guys have heard about the work burnout, but now there's
also parental burnout. Okay, the intense physical and mental exhaustion
and feeling drained and tired all the time. As a parent,
(14:33):
you know, there definitely has to be a balance for
that because I know that children it's not their faults
that you're exhausted and that you're tired.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
But in the world that we live.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
In, where you're consistently working, where there's so much pressure
from society and these high standards of what are the
right parenting you know, skills and ways should be, is
very very draining, and having children that don't understand the
pressure of society because they're being children, it's a lot
of pressure men to leave emotionally, physically, that all that
(15:04):
on parents.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
I totally get it.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
I remember when I used to go home and my
mom would be crying, you know, in the bathroom, and
she would try to wipe off her face and act
like it was all good because of the amount of
pressure that she was going through. And as a child,
you don't get it. You just want to have fun
and why can't you buy me this? And why can't
you do that? And why are you not going out
with me? Why aren't we playing in the park?
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Why aren't why? Why? Why?
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Why?
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Why? Why?
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Now as an adult, I can understand and appreciate the
sacrifice and how much hard work she had to put
it in order to provide and be the best prayer
she could be.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
We have so many parents that feel.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
That they're gonna get judged by their families and friends
if they actually say that they're depressed from being a
parent because of the pressure, because of the responsibility and
many occasions, is your first time being a parent, you.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Don't know your way around. It's a lot.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
And I always say, there's no guidebook on how to
live your life. There's no guidebook on how to be
a good parent. You just learn through experience and life,
and depression really is a real thing. We see many
occasions where there's parents that even commit suicide pitting alone in.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
This world of just pressure over all. You know, of judgment.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Everybody is judging you consistently of everything that you do,
and on top of that, you're trying to be a
good parent.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
On top of that, you're being a single parent.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
On top of that, you're financially taking all the responsibility,
and you're trying to be a happy parent so that
your kid doesn't know what's going on. It's just so
much that I feel it should be okay to normalize
not being okay, It should be okay to normalize saying
you know what, I need help, I need assistance. I
don't know how to do this on my own. Like
this is stressing me out, I can't sleep, I'm having anxiety.
(16:44):
All those things are important to let it out so
that you don't end up putting all that stress on
your children, because they do receive that energy. As much
as we may think that kids don't see that, kids
don't know that. They don't they can't feel what's going on.
They can feel the pressure, the tension in the air.
So that's something that we also have to consider. We
don't want to bring our traumas, our pain, our stress,
(17:07):
our suffering into our children's lives. We don't want to
raise them in that way because at the long run,
it does affect them, you know, and especially when they're
growing up, they're like a sponge.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
They take in.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
Everything that happens in their household, not only the way
that it feels, but behaviors, the things that they see,
the way that you speak. All those things affect feeling
like you're not a good parent.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
It's one of the most common things in this society.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Every day there's new rules, there's new things, there's new
studies of what you should do, what you shouldn't do.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
I don't know the way that my mom raised me work,
we had la chankle, that we had the time out.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
There were times where this Christmas, financially I can go
ahead and buy I can't buy you all the things
that you want me to.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
Not this year. This year we're struggling. Maybe next year.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
I think it's okay for parents to also, you know,
be verbal about financial situations with their children, emotional situations.
Mommy's not feeling good, Daddy's not feeling good. I think
it's important to communicate at a very early age. Is
important for kids to understand because once they step out
into society, once they step out into the world, nobody
(18:13):
is gonna be there to comfort them, to be like, oh,
everything is gonna be okay.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
It's tough out here in this world. It's really really
hard out here.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
And if you don't figure it out your own, ain't
nobody gonna do it.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
And also, by the way, child support is not.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Only exclusively about money, at least to me, child's support
is also about supporting your own child, meaning physically being there,
being supported, emotionally, providing you know, that comfort in that
safe space where your child knows that you know they
have both parents right even in mommy and daddy aren't together,
(18:47):
we both love you. We're both here if you need anything.
You have a mother and you have a father. I
think that that the way that society, society, the government,
the system has really put a lot of emphasis in
child support, just in the financial aspect of it. That's
what we have so many good men going to jail,
and we have so many situations that are happening financially,
(19:08):
because that's the only thing we talk about. But what
about having the parent actually taking them to the park,
spending time with them, asking them questions about their day,
having memorable moments with your child as they grow up.
Those things are important to the emotional aspect of child supports.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
It's important and it shouldn't be forced.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
You shouldn't have to force a father to want to,
you know, have their kids on the weekends if that,
or during the week or whenever their days are.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
You should have to force them. It shouldn't be a debate.
It shouldn't be I don't want them.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
I can next month, next week. It shouldn't even be
like that, and in many occasions it is. I personally,
this is a tough one for me because I feel like,
because I've seen the reaction and the way that the
father my children has been with me and with my girls,
that I've left the doors open from day one for
him to want to call, to be part of, to
(20:01):
be present to there. There was a moment where I
used to send videos and you know, I used to
consistently send pictures in this just to see if it
did something to his heart and wouldn't make him want
to do it on his own, to ask questions about how.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Are they doing, where they act.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
In my mind, I would love for my daughters to
have a good relationship with their father.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
Why not.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
I'm an adult, I'm a woman. Things don't always work out.
It's happened to many people. You know, things don't always
work out, But it doesn't mean that they can't have
a good relationship. I don't know if I would ever
feel comfortable off the rip just allowing my children to
go away, you know, with their father, like oh here,
just take them.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
No right until I felt comfortable enough.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
Maybe perhaps one day when they can speak and they
can tell me this occurred, or I feel this way,
I'm comfortable, I'm uncomfortable, whatever it may be.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
I think communication is key.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
But I would love for my kids to have a
good relationship with their father because I didn't have a
good one with minds, and I think that it's unfair
for children not to be able to have both of
the parents because of the pay parents emotional connections to
each other. But if I could give you, guys, anything
to take home with you is seek help. You know,
sometimes we need professional help, whether it is from an attorney,
(21:12):
whether it is from a therapist, whether it is just
from a family member. Sometimes you just need to ask
how can I go about this?
Speaker 1 (21:19):
What can I do?
Speaker 2 (21:20):
Is there any way that I can have you know,
some pressure taken on from me? You know, just help
me out with the babies, with the kids, this week, whatever.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Sometimes we get caught up in our own feelings when
all you need to.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Do was ask for help. And with that being said,
I am not a healthcare professional, so you know, this
is just me being exactly I'm out at and giving
you some of my own.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
Personal tips and my own personal experiences.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
But if you are feeling like you might need, you know,
need some help, I'll give you a phone number. Whether
there's a professional that can actually help you, you could
call or text nine eight eight for help, nine eight
eight for help. If you know someone who might need help,
tell them, yo, listen, hit up this text or car
real quick nine A eight and.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
They got you. They got your back. If you're worried,
you know about a.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
Loved one that's going through some type of crisis, definitely
don't let them go. Don't let them feel that they're
by themselves. Don't let them go through this process through
this journey by themselves be a helping hand. There's definitely
people out here willing to help you. No matter what
the situation may be, anxiety, depression, financial help, whatever it is,
there's definitely somebody out there.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Willing to help you.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
Guys, thank you so much for tuning in today to
exactly a matter. I hope that today's episode was helpful
in any possible way. I definitely want to hear your
point of view because at some point I would love
to have a child support attorney that can actually teach
me how does this work? You know, why are so
many people going to jail? How much money should they
be providing? How does it affect emotionally? All these things
(22:56):
that want to know. If you're going through it, if
you've been through it, please me up in the comments
session and tell me about your personal experience. Make sure
to find me on YouTube and catch my show by
searching for microfooda Podcast on YouTube and clicking exactly Amada.
Follow me on Instagram as well at Amarada Nigra l
N Amada Nigra a l N and remember that this
(23:16):
has been a producsion of Ihearts micro Food app Podcast Network. Guys,
thank you so much for listening to exactly Amada, this
is your girl, Amala
Welcome, Welcome, guys, welcome to the show.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
I Am amadaa Negra and you are listening to Exactly Amada,
a production of iHeart. By the way, guys, thank you
so much for tuning in and don't forget to give
us those five stars. Subscribe to the podcast on your
favorite platform.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Go ahead to the YouTube channel.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Where you can basically watch or listen to any of
the past podcasts, researching for micro through that podcast and.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Clicking on Exactly Amada.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Today, we're gonna be talking about something that's very important,
something that hits home because I also come from a
single mother, a hardworking mother, and now as a single
mother myself, I understand more than ever the importance of
the terminology child support.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
So today we're gonna be talking about child support.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
I know it's a very sensitive topic, and obviously for
those that I have been watching Love and Hip Hop Miami,
I know that that has been a topic of conversation
because of Safari. You guys know that Safari and I
have been day and try to figure things out, and
that has been a big topic of conversation. Should you
date someone that doesn't pay child support? What about if
(01:09):
he pays child support? Should that be something that should
be any of your concern? All those child support questions,
I think is important when you are in a relationship,
when you're finishing a relationship, how you should go about it,
Should you go about it? When is it important for
you to put your foot down and actually take it
the legal route.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Is it worth it taking it the legal route? Is
it more.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
Beneficial financially or can it actually be more damaging as
a man?
Speaker 1 (01:36):
How are you.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Supposed to handle that situation from being, you know, a
parent who pays child support. I know I've shared here
all about my personal life and how over the last
year I've been raising you know, my kids, my children
on my own, and of course I'm not the only
one out here that's been going through the same thing.
I know there's a lot of single parents, male and female,
(02:00):
who have taken all the responsibility, some by choice, some
haven't had a choice but to do it. But there's
a lot of single parents who can relate. And that's
why to me it was so important to do this episode.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
I mean, I.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
Saw what my own mom had to go through raising
me as a single, hardworking mother, So I feel very
close to this topic, not just because of her, but
obviously because now, unfortunately the patterns have repeated, and I
am now in her same shoes, and I know that
there's a lot of people that know exactly where I'm
coming from. So when things are hot and heavy in
(02:37):
a romantic relationship, you're not thinking about what would happen
if kids are involved, and what would happen if things end.
You're in the moment of love and seeing things on
the good side, the positive side. You know, you think
that things are gonna last forever, and no one ever
really bothers to think, what if things don't work out?
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Will this person really still hold me down?
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Will this person still have enough love for me at
least in the back of their heart of their mind
to think about how this separation cannot only be damaging
to me emotionally and to a certain extent for a
lot of relationships financially as well, when you become codependent
of your partners, but in this case, when you have
children involved in many occasions, the man for the most part,
(03:24):
and women as well, because I know that a lot
of women use their children to manipulate men. I don't
want to put all the weight on men because I
know that there's a lot of women that purposely use
their children to manipulate, to take you know, put that
financial all responsibility on the man, to the point that
now this man is paying more than half of his
you know, of his check, not only for the child,
(03:45):
but now to also feed that woman's lifestyle. As the
twenty twenty two the average cost of raising a child
is around sixteen thousand dollars per year. And that's like
the average, because I know it's.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
Way more for me.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
I mean, my babies drink a gallon of milk a
little bit more than a guy in milk, plus diapers
and white peas, and health insurance and clothing and toys
and this and that, and you know, any incidents that
can occur.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
You also have to be prepared for that financially too.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
So if you count what it would cost until they're
about eighteen years old, you're looking at about almost three
hundred thousand dollars, and that's a lot of money that realistically,
the way that we're living today, not everybody can financially
afford that. And I think that as women as men,
(04:34):
when you're single, you're not really ever thinking about the
responsibility financially of raising a child. But it also comes
from the fact that nobody really talks about it. There's
a lot of pressure on having children. Everybody talks about
having children, to the point that now we have a
big community of people that don't want to have children
because of the fear of the financial responsibility. And let's
(04:54):
not only just talk about the financial responsibility, but overall
the emotional.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
Responsibility of having a child.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
It's a lot in this case, like me, you know,
I wasn't prepared to not only have one, but two.
You know, there's a lot of people out of here
there having triplets and they're surely not prepared for that.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
And I know that there's a lot of government assistance.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
And that's a great thing too, But regardless of that,
it's a lot of weight because no matter how much
anybody else can come in and help you out, you
still feel like it's your responsibility. You brought them into
this world. It is your responsibility to make sure that
everything their education, their food, you know, everything is on point.
Most people don't think of how much a child really costs,
(05:38):
And to me, it's like, why isn't anybody People only
know how to say it is expensive, but why isn't
anybody being specific and letting you know ahead of time,
like listen, okay, if you guys want to you know,
have children, or if you're planning on it, because a
lot of people decide to plan it. I want to
do it after I'm thirty five. I want to do
it after my thirties. I want to do it after
twenty eight, twenty five, whatever the case may be. For
those that plan it, congrects to you, there's many people
(05:59):
that don't planet. So therefore you have to be prepared
to understand that this comes with housing, education, food, medical bills, clothes, childcare,
especially if you're a single parent you know, or maybe
may not have the support of the grandparents to you know,
help out here and there. Daycares are very expensive. Let's
(06:21):
not even go to nanny's if you have a nanny
at home. I'm hearing like anywhere between fifteen hundred a
week in my case for the twins. So if you
have like two kids, it doesn't matter regardless of the age.
You're kind of looking at those numbers, right, It's a lot.
All those things are things that you have to think
about when you select your partner. Hopefully, if you've chosen,
(06:42):
you know, the right person, you won't have to struggle to,
you know, through these things.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
But if not, you're gonna go through it.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
And trust me, you're gonna get it, cause no matter
how much money you have, you're still gonna go through it,
especially emotionally, the fact that you may not have that
person who helped you create this child or these children
not be there to support you emotionally.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
It's a lot.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
You lose money in the beginning because you take time
off from work to have the baby. Obviously, I'm talking
about the women and for the men. You know, you
guys still get to put in that work. Obviously knowing
that you know when you go home, if you're still
going home to that woman, you know you still have
to cater to her. But yes, women for the most part,
have to take some time off to heal. I personally
(07:26):
didn't take any time off. I was working, literally, like
in the hospital. When I got out of the hospital
the week after, I was literally taking flights. I don't
recommend it to anyone, but the pressure of the responsibility
of having to have a you know, a child and
you have to provide for them. And let's pray that
your child doesn't come out with any health conditions, because
(07:47):
if they do, you have to also be prepared for
that financial responsibility as well. So it's a lot I personally,
Like I said, I was working the whole the whole
time through I know a lot of hard working women
that till the.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
Data they give birth, they're working.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
They don't have the privilege of like, oh, I'm just
gonna take this time off.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
You don't get to do that. You have to put
in the work. This is crazy. I don't know if
you guys do.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
But in twenty eighteen, according to the US Department of
Health and Human Services, non because pudo parents across the
country own more than listen to this, one hundred and
fourteen point six billion dollars in child support.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
You got to be kidding me.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
God, I don't even know where to go from there,
because I know so many especially in the African American
community and minority communities, there's so many men that end
up going to jail because they can't afford to pay
child support. I know that everybody has to be responsible,
everybody has to put in their car, but in many
occasions it is tough out here. Financially you could barely
do that, and on top of that, now you have
(08:53):
the responsibility of a judge telling you exactly how much
you have to pay, not to mention that in many occasions,
and I think it's unfair. I almost feel and god,
oh my god, I don't even know how to say this,
because the women is gonna come for me. But if
there were to be like a card where you can
see exactly what the money is being used for. But
then at the same time, as a mom mom, like
if I were to get child support, who cares? You
(09:16):
know how I use the money as long as a
child is being taken care of. Because if I use
the money to pay the house, well that's where your
child lives in. If I use the money to pay electricity,
well that's where the child lives in. You know, if
it's for clothes, if it's for food, if it's for
whatever it is. Even if it were to be for
a small vacation, I don't see it bad because why
should it be just the mother's responsibility to pay for
(09:38):
those things and the father to just pay for the essentials.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
When it comes to child support is a very iffy line.
The same way I think is real iffy when there's
you know, men that financially you know, they don't get
it like that, and they're putting them these high ass
child support balances that they have to pay off the
same way that I see women asking for twenty forty thousand.
I need sixty thousand dollars a month in child support.
(10:04):
I need ten thousand dollars in child support.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Can someone please?
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Can? I need somebody to please inform me how does
this work? Because I know it goes based off the
amount of money that the man makes, and I know,
or you know, for the most part is a father,
because women also in many occasions pay for child support.
But I kind of sometimes thinking is unfair, like when
these are these ridiculous amount of numbers for babies that
(10:28):
are like one, two, three, maybe even at to ten
years old. Where exactly is it that you're spending thirty thousand,
fifty thousand dollars a month in anyways, That's just me,
But if you feel where I'm coming from, please feel
free to hit me up on exactly a matter and
let me know your opinion on this topic. Here's another
important point, the mental health aspect of raising a child
(10:50):
without financial or emotional support. Listen, that is a lot,
because God knows how many nights I've cried myself to
sleep only because no parent prepares himself, for the most part,
to be a single parent, and if you do, one
thing is what you think and another one is to
actually go through it and live the experience yourself. No
one wants to have all the responsibility of having to
(11:12):
take a child, take care of a child by yourself
at nighttime.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
You can't sleep.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
You have to make sure that your child is being fed,
you know, the diapers are being changed, and you're emotionally
being there and nurturing for a child because it's not
their responsibility or their fault what you may be going through.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
So it's a lot.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
I'm lucky that I have my mom to support me
with my girls, and I'm so grateful for her, But
a lot of people don't have that, and I feel
terrible for those that don't because I can only but
imagine the pressure the responsibility, how drain emotionally and physically
you have to be of having to go through the
process of raising a child all by yourself.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
That is a lot.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Something that no one ever wants to talk about either,
is the fact that you burn out as a parent.
You burn out like there is no off time. You
can't turn that off, and you'll never be able to
be like.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
You can't unparent yourself. You will be a parent for
the rest of your life.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
No matter how old your child gets, you will always
feel the responsibility to check out for them, protect them,
make sure that they're, you know, going through the.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Right path, and all those things.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
So I'm saying this only because I know in my
case how easy it is for a father to show
up in the picture after the mother has done all
the work and you're just like, oh, these are my kids.
That's my daughter, that's my son, after the mother had
to be the one to put up with all the
sleepless nights, the extra part time jobs, all those things.
(12:39):
And here's another question I have to Should you want
to ask for child support from a person who doesn't
want to be involved? Should you force a man or
a woman for the most part of man. Should you
force a man to have to financially provide for a
child that they may not want. What about those parents,
those fathers that from the beginning said I don't want
(13:01):
this child.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Should they have to?
Speaker 2 (13:04):
I don't know, that's a really good important question to
me because I wonder how do the men feel in
that aspect when women say I want to have this
child because I want it, but then now the man
says I never wanted it. I told you from the
beginning I didn't want to. So now they're being held
responsible for this child. But at the same time, I
don't know this. These topics get real complicated. I've seen
so many things on social media and on Instagram to
(13:26):
talk about it all the time, so I.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Always wonder that part, and I also want to know.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
I would love to talk to a woman that is
the mother who's paying child support, the mother that is
the one that's paying child support to the man. I
would love to know if there's any women out there
there's been through it or that's going through it. I
want to hear your set of the story. And my
father never gave, you know, pay any child support. I
would not, never, ever in the history of my life,
put the father my children and child support. I'm not
(13:51):
going to be that parent because I just feel like
if it doesn't come from your heart, if you don't
want to be that provider, if you choose not to
do it, I will never pressure you into doing it,
and then I'm also very prideful. I don't ever see
myself doing that. But a lot of people are saying, oh,
you're such a dumb ass. You really should Who cares
you didn't do these kids by yourself? Is there responsibility too?
(14:11):
How do you guys feel about it? Please let me
know here in the comments. While also going back to
the burnout, you know how parents burnt out and get
exhausted and get tired. I mean, I know that you
guys have heard about the work burnout, but now there's
also parental burnout. Okay, the intense physical and mental exhaustion
and feeling drained and tired all the time. As a parent,
(14:33):
you know, there definitely has to be a balance for
that because I know that children it's not their faults
that you're exhausted and that you're tired.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
But in the world that we live.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
In, where you're consistently working, where there's so much pressure
from society and these high standards of what are the
right parenting you know, skills and ways should be, is
very very draining, and having children that don't understand the
pressure of society because they're being children, it's a lot
of pressure men to leave emotionally, physically, that all that
(15:04):
on parents.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
I totally get it.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
I remember when I used to go home and my
mom would be crying, you know, in the bathroom, and
she would try to wipe off her face and act
like it was all good because of the amount of
pressure that she was going through. And as a child,
you don't get it. You just want to have fun
and why can't you buy me this? And why can't
you do that? And why are you not going out
with me? Why aren't we playing in the park?
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Why aren't why? Why? Why?
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Why?
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Why? Why?
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Now as an adult, I can understand and appreciate the
sacrifice and how much hard work she had to put
it in order to provide and be the best prayer
she could be.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
We have so many parents that feel.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
That they're gonna get judged by their families and friends
if they actually say that they're depressed from being a
parent because of the pressure, because of the responsibility and
many occasions, is your first time being a parent, you.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Don't know your way around. It's a lot.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
And I always say, there's no guidebook on how to
live your life. There's no guidebook on how to be
a good parent. You just learn through experience and life,
and depression really is a real thing. We see many
occasions where there's parents that even commit suicide pitting alone in.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
This world of just pressure over all. You know, of judgment.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
Everybody is judging you consistently of everything that you do,
and on top of that, you're trying to be a
good parent.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
On top of that, you're being a single parent.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
On top of that, you're financially taking all the responsibility,
and you're trying to be a happy parent so that
your kid doesn't know what's going on. It's just so
much that I feel it should be okay to normalize
not being okay, It should be okay to normalize saying
you know what, I need help, I need assistance. I
don't know how to do this on my own. Like
this is stressing me out, I can't sleep, I'm having anxiety.
(16:44):
All those things are important to let it out so
that you don't end up putting all that stress on
your children, because they do receive that energy. As much
as we may think that kids don't see that, kids
don't know that. They don't they can't feel what's going on.
They can feel the pressure, the tension in the air.
So that's something that we also have to consider. We
don't want to bring our traumas, our pain, our stress,
(17:07):
our suffering into our children's lives. We don't want to
raise them in that way because at the long run,
it does affect them, you know, and especially when they're
growing up, they're like a sponge.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
They take in.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
Everything that happens in their household, not only the way
that it feels, but behaviors, the things that they see,
the way that you speak. All those things affect feeling
like you're not a good parent.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
It's one of the most common things in this society.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Every day there's new rules, there's new things, there's new
studies of what you should do, what you shouldn't do.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
I don't know the way that my mom raised me work,
we had la chankle, that we had the time out.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
There were times where this Christmas, financially I can go
ahead and buy I can't buy you all the things
that you want me to.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
Not this year. This year we're struggling. Maybe next year.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
I think it's okay for parents to also, you know,
be verbal about financial situations with their children, emotional situations.
Mommy's not feeling good, Daddy's not feeling good. I think
it's important to communicate at a very early age. Is
important for kids to understand because once they step out
into society, once they step out into the world, nobody
(18:13):
is gonna be there to comfort them, to be like, oh,
everything is gonna be okay.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
It's tough out here in this world. It's really really
hard out here.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
And if you don't figure it out your own, ain't
nobody gonna do it.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
And also, by the way, child support is not.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Only exclusively about money, at least to me, child's support
is also about supporting your own child, meaning physically being there,
being supported, emotionally, providing you know, that comfort in that
safe space where your child knows that you know they
have both parents right even in mommy and daddy aren't together,
(18:47):
we both love you. We're both here if you need anything.
You have a mother and you have a father. I
think that that the way that society, society, the government,
the system has really put a lot of emphasis in
child support, just in the financial aspect of it. That's
what we have so many good men going to jail,
and we have so many situations that are happening financially,
(19:08):
because that's the only thing we talk about. But what
about having the parent actually taking them to the park,
spending time with them, asking them questions about their day,
having memorable moments with your child as they grow up.
Those things are important to the emotional aspect of child supports.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
It's important and it shouldn't be forced.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
You shouldn't have to force a father to want to,
you know, have their kids on the weekends if that,
or during the week or whenever their days are.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
You should have to force them. It shouldn't be a debate.
It shouldn't be I don't want them.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
I can next month, next week. It shouldn't even be
like that, and in many occasions it is. I personally,
this is a tough one for me because I feel like,
because I've seen the reaction and the way that the
father my children has been with me and with my girls,
that I've left the doors open from day one for
him to want to call, to be part of, to
(20:01):
be present to there. There was a moment where I
used to send videos and you know, I used to
consistently send pictures in this just to see if it
did something to his heart and wouldn't make him want
to do it on his own, to ask questions about how.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Are they doing, where they act.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
In my mind, I would love for my daughters to
have a good relationship with their father.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
Why not.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
I'm an adult, I'm a woman. Things don't always work out.
It's happened to many people. You know, things don't always
work out, But it doesn't mean that they can't have
a good relationship. I don't know if I would ever
feel comfortable off the rip just allowing my children to
go away, you know, with their father, like oh here,
just take them.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
No right until I felt comfortable enough.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
Maybe perhaps one day when they can speak and they
can tell me this occurred, or I feel this way,
I'm comfortable, I'm uncomfortable, whatever it may be.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
I think communication is key.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
But I would love for my kids to have a
good relationship with their father because I didn't have a
good one with minds, and I think that it's unfair
for children not to be able to have both of
the parents because of the pay parents emotional connections to
each other. But if I could give you, guys, anything
to take home with you is seek help. You know,
sometimes we need professional help, whether it is from an attorney,
(21:12):
whether it is from a therapist, whether it is just
from a family member. Sometimes you just need to ask
how can I go about this?
Speaker 1 (21:19):
What can I do?
Speaker 2 (21:20):
Is there any way that I can have you know,
some pressure taken on from me? You know, just help
me out with the babies, with the kids, this week, whatever.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Sometimes we get caught up in our own feelings when
all you need to.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Do was ask for help. And with that being said,
I am not a healthcare professional, so you know, this
is just me being exactly I'm out at and giving
you some of my own.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
Personal tips and my own personal experiences.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
But if you are feeling like you might need, you know,
need some help, I'll give you a phone number. Whether
there's a professional that can actually help you, you could
call or text nine eight eight for help, nine eight
eight for help. If you know someone who might need help,
tell them, yo, listen, hit up this text or car
real quick nine A eight and.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
They got you. They got your back. If you're worried,
you know about a.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
Loved one that's going through some type of crisis, definitely
don't let them go. Don't let them feel that they're
by themselves. Don't let them go through this process through
this journey by themselves be a helping hand. There's definitely
people out here willing to help you. No matter what
the situation may be, anxiety, depression, financial help, whatever it is,
there's definitely somebody out there.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
Willing to help you.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
Guys, thank you so much for tuning in today to
exactly a matter. I hope that today's episode was helpful
in any possible way. I definitely want to hear your
point of view because at some point I would love
to have a child support attorney that can actually teach
me how does this work? You know, why are so
many people going to jail? How much money should they
be providing? How does it affect emotionally? All these things
(22:56):
that want to know. If you're going through it, if
you've been through it, please me up in the comments
session and tell me about your personal experience. Make sure
to find me on YouTube and catch my show by
searching for microfooda Podcast on YouTube and clicking exactly Amada.
Follow me on Instagram as well at Amarada Nigra l
N Amada Nigra a l N and remember that this
(23:16):
has been a producsion of Ihearts micro Food app Podcast Network. Guys,
thank you so much for listening to exactly Amada, this
is your girl, Amala
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Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.