May 18, 2023 • 24 mins
Amara openly shares her personal journey and experiences of dating someone with baggage. She dives into the complexities of relationships with individuals who carry emotional burdens from their past as well as exes who are too nosy for their own good.
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Dang Gang Gang, Welcome, welcome back. You guys already knows
your girl Amaara La Negra and you're listening to Exactly Amada,
a production of iHeart. Thank you so much for tuning in,
same routine you guys already know. Don't forget to give
me those five stars.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Give me those five stars.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Subscribe to the podcast on your favorite podcast platform, whichever
one may be.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
And go ahead and just go over to the YouTube channel.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Go check me out on YouTube right Exactly I'm out
on the search bar or so you can check out
what I'm doing with my life, my music, my career,
no laya achievement. Don't pay attention to the gossip, but
definitely pay attention to exactly Amada. And today I want
to have my producers, friends, co hosts sometimes and all
that good stuff Arlene and Alex today coming in through
(00:47):
because today, okay, I want to do something I don't know.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
I always want to do something different, but I want
to hit up like real topics. And I always want
to talk about relationships because I feel like I can't
gomost this, can't figure it to get it right.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
You can't figure it out, you know what I.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Just think I'm stressed out because it's just too much
going on. I'm in the middle of a lawsuit. I'm
trying to you know, start dating and getting you know,
get back to the streets. I have a lot of
pressure from society. I have things going on in my household.
There's just too much that I'm stressed out. That's why
I want to vent with you guys. On today's episode,
we'll be discussing the challenges of dating someone who is
(01:25):
still well it's not still in a relationship, but has
unresolved issues with their ex.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
I now, some of y'all can relate. I know that's right.
What do you do? How do you go around it?
Speaker 1 (01:38):
And I'm going to break it down for you in
a second as far as for example, have you ever
started a relationship where somewhat their ex still isn't over them.
They continuously figure out ways to get involved in your
new relationship, whether they have comments or even if they
have children together, and they use their children as a
(01:58):
weapon between the father and the mother.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Arlene, have you ever been in a situation like this?
Who a mata? Where do I start?
Speaker 3 (02:05):
I want to hear it. I start at this point, I.
Speaker 4 (02:08):
Mean, I'm a little older than y'all, so I dated
a lot. So there's a lot of baggage that I've
been carried throughout the years. I don't know about if
XES wanted to be up in my business, but I
did carry a lot of baggage from past experiences.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
Well, at least you're honest, and we got to be
thankful for your honesty because a lot of women out
here aren't honest about the things that they be doing,
including their fake pages on social media to start commenting
to the next girl, and you know, trying to put
all types Yes, I've said it, I've heard it.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
And in my past, I did.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
You know, go through an experience like that where the
person that I was dating their ex would you have
like a fake page, and she would talk all types
of bullsh shit to me and try to send me
pictures of them together, like old pictures of them together.
And you know, he even had to show me on
his phone like the dates of when that picture happened.
That later on, I was like, why the hell do
(03:04):
you still have those pictures? And that's another thing too.
I know that today I'm all over the place, but
that just brought me up to a good point. When
you break up with someone, are you supposed to delete
other pictures and everything that came with them from the past,
or are you still supposed to save them? Like if
you guys have romantic pictures from when you were dating,
or like nudes or like sex videos or whatever, do
(03:26):
you keep that or you delete it?
Speaker 5 (03:27):
Once a relationships, that's important, that's super important because you
know what people in today's age tend to say that
they got rid of it, But listen, personally, I've seen
people say, like, being these relationships that break up and
then they have complete access still to everything that was
(03:50):
sent between each other. They never deleted it. And I've
seen them put that they've deleted it and have it,
and something.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
Goes with me.
Speaker 5 (03:57):
I've seen people tell me, oh, yeah, I don't have
that anymore, and then their friends tell.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
Me, oh, by the way, I'm like, oh really.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Exactly, So that's my thing. Do you delete it? Do
you keep it? What do you do with all the memories?
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Let's just say, you know, there's like memories, whether it's pictures, videos,
or whatever, what about it. There's like material things, you know,
this sweater, this clothes, these shoes, these things that you
you know that remind me of you, that you gave me,
that you bought for me, whatever it is, I just
want to know.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Are you supposed to keep.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
It, give it away, delete the videos, keep the videos.
Does it make a difference. Should we be you know,
grown enough adults enough to not care, or because we
live in an era where everybody wants to have receipts.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
I got proof, I got the real thing.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
So this girl used to send me old videos that
in the moment, I was like, oh my god, I
can't believe we're just with the skank. And then he
was like, no, that's oh that's not what she said.
So he want to show me in his phone all
the way back in his gallery when the picture was say.
But in the process, I saw a whole bunch of
stuff that I'm like, why do you still even have this?
Because I don't have it, Like I be deleting, Like
(05:08):
once it's done, I don't even want to remember that
I ever had anything to do with you, Like you
don't even exist.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
I it's done, is over.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
I don't need any of those memories, especially if they
were like nude or like you know, sexy videos and
stuff like that. It is a rap, but you can't
trust it. There has to be a way of coping
with that, like just understanding to let it go, you know.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
And I think that also comes with insecurity.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
It comes with maturity, understanding your value, Understanding that you
don't have to beg anyone to love you, to care
for you, to want you.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
And if someone tells you that they.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Don't want you once, don't make them tell you more
than once that they don't want you. It's like, I
feel like love now has become so toxic and we
become so territorial over the people that we're with that
we've lost the point where we realize are worth I
think that's the most important part.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Realize your worth worthy of.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
So much that if you don't want me, there's so
many other people that would love to be with me.
If you and I don't work out as much as
we may try, there's somebody out there that will give
me everything that you're not.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
And sometimes you have to be okay with being by yourself.
Like I am right now.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
I enjoy I enjoy my piece, I enjoy my Space,
I enjoy my liberty, I enjoy going out on dates
with no serious commitment. Till we figure things out, like
take things slow, and I just feel like if things
don't work out, they didn't work out for a reason.
You don't have to stay in the picture like a stalker, like, oh,
I'm already moving on, but I mun still be like
(06:36):
looking out to see what.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
My ex is doing.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
See saka well, saka well, That's how I feel. However,
here comes a very important factor. What do you do
if you're ex and you have children together, if you
have children in common?
Speaker 2 (06:54):
How do you deal with that? Alex?
Speaker 1 (06:56):
How do you deal with not being spiteful without you know,
not using your kids as a weapon between both of y'all?
Speaker 2 (07:06):
How do you deal with that?
Speaker 3 (07:07):
See?
Speaker 5 (07:08):
For me, when my X ray started dating again, For
me it was different. For me, it was I wanted
to make sure that the kids were with someone who
was safe, right. I never was the one to be like, oh,
who is he questioning?
Speaker 3 (07:21):
What does he do? Where is he coming from? Blah
blah blah.
Speaker 5 (07:24):
For me, it was always like, huh, when they're you
know who this person is, how they're going to act
around my kids?
Speaker 2 (07:28):
You know?
Speaker 3 (07:29):
And I have two daughters, so I'm even more protective.
You know, you never know right walking up into the house.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
But the thing about it is that when you are
a public figure, and I'm not saying I'm just having,
you know, generic conversation, but when you are a public figure,
things just become so much bigger and people just zoom
into your life in a way that they don't do
with obviously someone who's not in the spotlight. So yes,
it may make it a little bit more difficult, or
more obvious, or more whatever. I am very respectful when
(07:58):
it comes to people that have had children in common.
It's like, no matter how much I may like you
or whatever, I respect the mother of your children.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
I understand that she was there before me.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
I understand that she takes a very important role because
she is taking care and raising your children that came
out of both of y'all that you guys made together,
and I am new into the picture. I've always been
that type of person. If I am dating someone that
has children, I am the type of person that I'm
always very open minded into having a conversation with your ex.
(08:29):
Only if you guys have children in common, not if
this is your extra years ago as ericomigo, but if
your ex which will remain to be in your life
for the rest of your life, because you guys have
children in common.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
And I'm in the picture.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
If you ever want to sit down and have a
conversation with me, you want to know where I come from,
who I am, what do I do? So you say,
you know, if I'm into drugs, if I'm crazy, if
I'm whatever.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
I want to make you.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Feel comfortable enough because I understand that your children will
now be in my space because now I am dating
the father or whatever. I would ask this more because
Alex has already been there. When you divorced your ex
(09:12):
wife and then you got with your new wife, did
your ex and your new wife ever meet or had
a conversation or did you put it together?
Speaker 2 (09:20):
Has this ever happened?
Speaker 3 (09:21):
Oh yeah, yeah, you got you gotta have that. You
got to have that.
Speaker 5 (09:25):
So, for instance, I never introduced anyone to my daughters
when I was dating right when me and my ex
got divorced or whatever. They never met anyone when I
was dating someone for about a year and a half,
and that's when I finally introduced them to this person.
That's the only woman from my exes that they ever met.
(09:45):
She was kind, she was loving, she took care of
my children. You know, she didn't have to, she was
She was there for them, which was something comforting for me.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
Right.
Speaker 5 (09:56):
So I've had the I've had the pleasure of being
with someone one that completely loves them, has seen them
grow up, and you know, they're women now, they're nineteen
and twenty one. Yeah, so they are they're grown ups now.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
You know. I had my.
Speaker 5 (10:14):
Kids very very young. It was difficult for me as
a single dad to meet women when I was divorced
and have my kids anywhere near them, especially since I
was a very very protective of them. And number two,
I don't know what is going on through someone's mind.
I know my ex was always very adamant, like like,
(10:36):
who are these women?
Speaker 3 (10:37):
You know?
Speaker 5 (10:38):
Are you know, because they would my kids would come
home and be like, oh, daddy was talking someone because
they might have stopped by and said hello to me,
And when they did, they would go home, Oh we
met daddy.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
You know, and that was starting.
Speaker 5 (10:51):
Yes, yeah, And it was less It was less about
the oh, I'm jealous because I still like him because
she had already moved on.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
It was more like the protective issue.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
Right.
Speaker 5 (10:59):
So that's something I throw to you. I know that
you're in the limelight. So that's very difficult to navigate.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
It is very difficult.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
I haven't been in a situation at this moment where
I have to feel like I need to explain to
anyone or anybody. You know, I am the mother and
father of my children, so therefore I make the best
decisions for them. At this moment, they are small and
they don't really know the difference too much. Once they
start to clearly understand, I will be very very protective
(11:32):
and very respectful, and I will treat it accordingly as
far as who they get to meet and when they
get to meet, Which brings me back to this question.
How do you know when it's the right person that
you can introduce them to your children? Because you could
be dating and you really like this person and it's like,
oh my god, I really think there's going to be
a thing. How long before you introduce them to your
(11:55):
children and be like yo, this is because what you
don't want to do is be dating someone. We're like, oh,
this is the one and they be like oh over.
Then you come back to dating someone else. Oh look
meet this person. Oh it's over. Because they can be
very confusing for the children, it can lead traumas. They
may not understand what's going on. They may emotionally become
attached to this person that once you guys break up
as adults, it affects their well being as well.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
So when do you introduce them? How do you even
do that?
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Because I thought about it, My girls are small. Eventually
I will have to solidify my relationship because.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Right now I'm dating.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
I just got out into being open minded enough to
even start going out on dates. You guys know that
I've been very vocal about being celibate and the traumas
that I've had after childbirth and how I'm not prepared
to move forward in the physical aspect. Mentally, I am
opening my mind into understanding that I'm still young and
(12:51):
I deserve to be loved, and you know, life goes
on right. Everybody has their own healing process. But eventually,
my girls are going to have to eat someone and
I'm gonna have to date someone. So how do I
know when to be like and then also understand Mommy
is dating this person.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
It doesn't mean that this is your new stepdaddy, you know.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
It doesn't mean that this is your near father figure
at this moment, Mommy, the adult.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
This person likes this person, new friend, this new friend.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Because I've also seen women that have their dog, their kids,
all of a sudden, as soon as they start dating,
calling the you know, their boyfriend's daddy and all types
of like and that's very confusing.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
It's just so much.
Speaker 6 (13:33):
I know that right now you're in a situation, you're dating,
doing a little dating, You're dabbing your.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Toes a little bit. How's the dating life going?
Speaker 4 (13:41):
And are you now reluctant to even.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
Get out there?
Speaker 4 (13:46):
Is what's going on in your life right now making
you feel like, damn, should I get back into Michael Koh?
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Yeah, and just go ahead and hide again. You know
what I enjoy going out in dinners. I enjoy life experiences.
I enjoy the morning text messages and being told that
you're beautiful and missing someone. You know that process in
the beginning of like, damn, I can't wait till you
know you wake up and the first thing you look
is look at their message to see if they hit
you up first.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
And you know, all that journey is such a.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Beautiful experience that I feel that sometimes once you feel
that you already have somebody solid, you've been with them
for years, you lose that, you know, And I love
the dating process. I feel that once you have sex,
which is normal, is natural. Everybody loves to have sex,
go for it. But I feel that sometimes sex changes
the energy of things, It changes the rout of things.
(14:35):
That's why I feel like people should date, get to
know each other. Like back in the days, people used
to go on long dates and you know, the popcasts
right in front of your door before you go in,
and like, I love that journey. I'm a little bit
traditional in old school in that process, and I feel
that once it happens, it happens, you know. Like I said,
I know that once I physically give myself to someone,
things are going to change and it's going to be
(14:57):
like you know, I don't know, maybe it does, and
maybe you know, because people do it like a hobby
these days. It doesn't even have to mean anything. It
just means you know, I wanted you want it, We
got it in all right?
Speaker 2 (15:07):
Then bye. I'm not built like that.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
I respect everybody who you know is open minded and
is down with it.
Speaker 6 (15:14):
I'm just not that girl. Do you think partners are
more jealous because of everything that they see on social media,
like if their baby daddy is online with someone new,
do you think social media is playing a part in that,
because I would imagine that's hard to see your baby
daddy with another person, especially if they're attractive and they're
posting these you know, elaborated pictures together.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
And if they're having a good life and a good time.
Of course, there's a part of you, no matter how
much you say it doesn't bother you that you feel like, damn, like,
why didn't you do that with me? You know, why
are you becoming the better version of you for someone else?
I got to put up with all your bull you know,
your bs, and then this other person gets to get
the best version of you. I polished you, I cleaned
(15:59):
you up, I I made you mature. I made you,
you know, go to school or have a better job,
or you know, physically become more attractive for someone else.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
But you couldn't do that for me.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
And I think it's important that we understand that sometimes
we're not meant to be in a forever relationship with someone.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
Sometimes we're just there to build from and for each other.
Speaker 1 (16:19):
The way that I handle that is that I avoid
looking at anything related to any of my exes. I
avoid any social media content. My friends and family know
not to send me anything. Don't mention to me, oh
I saw this first.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
I don't care.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Just don't because it will bring somewhat of a little something.
Not in all relationships, because some of the ex relationship
you're like, oh, I don't care, some still linger a
little bit somewhere in the back of your heart for
half a second, and it might just be like going, damn,
that's okay, you know whatever, especially if you haven't found
(16:56):
somebody else or if you haven't been able to move on.
So yeah, it can be very difficult, and I think
it's important for us to understand each other's feelings.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
You know, Let's not be disrespectful.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Let's not be harsh on someone who once upon a
time cared for you, loved for you know, had love
for you, and now that you've moved on, you just
want to act like their feelings don't count. It doesn't
mean that that's any of your business because your feelings
are yours. You got to handle your own feelings batter
you know, be cordial, like you know, I get it.
Let's not be extra disrespectful because men will do that too,
(17:29):
and women will do that too. They'll be all, you know,
extra sexy, grinding all up.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
On their new you know, partner, and doing all.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
That extra stuff that you weren't doing before, trying to
be spiteful because you know they're watching. Honestly, you know
that recently there was a TV interview where they were
saying that I was fast. Wasn't she just with her
baby daddy and look at her now moving on to
(17:59):
someone else. I'm gonna excuse me pause, and I'm gonna
speak generic because I don't want to make it about
my situation. But in many occasions, while the woman is
still in the relationship, the man is already having affairs
with several different women, and you're still there holding onto
things and being you know, forgiving them, thinking that they
(18:21):
can change. I'm not saying it's about me, but it
sounds very familiar. So, you know something, they're like, oh,
you know, you moved on, Yeah, but this person had
already moved on while we were together, with several, not one,
but with several, you know, And at some point you
have to realize who you are and pick up your
worth in your in yourself and be like nah, I
can't continue to forgive. I can't continue to stay here
(18:43):
because this is never gonna change, and if they know
that you're willing to put up with it, they will
continue to do it. So even if you love someone,
because at one point I left a situation that I
was in loving this person to the core of me
being depressed, crying like the love of my life, and
I had to get away from that situation because of
me and my self worth, like I can't allow you
(19:06):
to step on me like I'm not worthy. I think
that's very important for people to know and do because
you stay in relationships and you stay in situations that
you know that you don't belong there, but you still
stay out of that loyalty thing. So anyways, I don't
I think that you know, once something is dead, you
have the right to move forward. You don't have to
(19:27):
be stick around or like nobody has died. You know
nobody has died that you like, oh, I have to
stay here for the next twenty thirty days and just
you know, cry and be and suffer.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
No, if you want to move on with your life,
you do that.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
And I think that I've done a good job because
I've waited many months, almost yeah, practically a year almost.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
Two finally decide to start dating.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
And I focus on myself, my health, my body, my business,
my career. I've focused on being the best mother I
can be, and now I want to get back to
being myself and I don't want to lose myself in
the process.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Yeah, so I think that's natural.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
As well as you should.
Speaker 5 (20:05):
And you know, my last piece of advice for you
and in this whole situation would be just to take
your time with it. And really, you know, as a mother,
be protective of your children. Your children will and you
know this because you said it a million tens and
you continue to do it.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
Your children do come first.
Speaker 5 (20:21):
So I think, well, the problem that arises with this
is that people think that they have access to others
very easily, that they have a reason to say and
do and act the way that they do. And they
should really take a look at themselves in the mirror,
especially if they themselves are parents or thinking about becoming
(20:47):
a parent. How would they like that being done to them?
And that here's the unfortunate part. They don't do that
until it's too late or they think it's done, and
then almost everything comes around and it gets done to
them and then they're karma.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
Yeah, you know what, this conversation today wasn't just about me.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
This conversation was a general conversation because I know that
there's been so many relationships that have fallen apart because
of their axes. I know that there's so many eccees
that still don't know how to move forward, how to
move on. I know there's so many parents that co
parent and don't know how to deal with their emotions
and end up affecting their children's well being because of that.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
I know that there's just you know, I didn't want
to make it about me.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
I just want to talk about I wanted to be
the voice of many women, of many people listening to
the show that have been there, done that, gone through it,
and they have their own baggage, and they're learning how
to deal with their significant others baggage as well. Sometimes
you have to learn how to let go of certain
things and some things you just can't let go, and
you have to build from there on. And if I
have any final words and just something you could take
(21:56):
home with you, I would say, if you really love
someone and you think this person is worthy of you
fighting for them, stick around, tough it out, figure out
ways of making this situation work. I would hate for
a beautiful relationship that you could be building on to
fall apart because of someone's bitterness, because of someone's exes,
because someone doesn't want to let them go, because someone
(22:18):
doesn't want to let you guys be happy.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Figure out ways to stick together, because.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
The stronger you guys are together, the stronger you guys
can fight against the world. If you're an ex it
still can't get over your significant you know your past.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
Let it go. You are worthy of so much better.
You know.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
If you let go of your past, you can focus
on your future. There is someone out there that's going
to love you and want you as much as you
seem to.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
Want your ex. You know, let it go. Some things
are not meant for you, and that's okay.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
And with time and maturity, you realize that life is
too short to be holding onto baggage. Especially if a
man or a woman tells you that they don't want
you anymore. Don't don't make them tell you more than once.
Figure ship up, pick your stuff up, lift your head
up high, and keep it moving. I want to thank
Alex and Arleen for joining me today, for being my
(23:09):
support system, for for being my friends and giving me
great advice, and not just to me, but to you
guys as well.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
Thank you guys so much for joining today. And with
that being said, thank.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
You for listening to Exactly Amada and make sure to
find us on my YouTube channel Exactly a Matter or
a Mad Go check me out and follow me at
Amara lagra Aln on Instagram. And remember that this has
been a production of Ihearts Micro through that podcast network. Guys,
thank you so much, give me those five stars. Subscribe, subscribe,
(23:40):
tell a friend, and tell a friend and tell a
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Speaker 2 (23:50):
This is your.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
Girl, madgra I'll see you guys next time.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Op
Dang Gang Gang, Welcome, welcome back. You guys already knows
your girl Amaara La Negra and you're listening to Exactly Amada,
a production of iHeart. Thank you so much for tuning in,
same routine you guys already know. Don't forget to give
me those five stars.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Give me those five stars.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Subscribe to the podcast on your favorite podcast platform, whichever
one may be.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
And go ahead and just go over to the YouTube channel.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Go check me out on YouTube right Exactly I'm out
on the search bar or so you can check out
what I'm doing with my life, my music, my career,
no laya achievement. Don't pay attention to the gossip, but
definitely pay attention to exactly Amada. And today I want
to have my producers, friends, co hosts sometimes and all
that good stuff Arlene and Alex today coming in through
(00:47):
because today, okay, I want to do something I don't know.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
I always want to do something different, but I want
to hit up like real topics. And I always want
to talk about relationships because I feel like I can't
gomost this, can't figure it to get it right.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
You can't figure it out, you know what I.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Just think I'm stressed out because it's just too much
going on. I'm in the middle of a lawsuit. I'm
trying to you know, start dating and getting you know,
get back to the streets. I have a lot of
pressure from society. I have things going on in my household.
There's just too much that I'm stressed out. That's why
I want to vent with you guys. On today's episode,
we'll be discussing the challenges of dating someone who is
(01:25):
still well it's not still in a relationship, but has
unresolved issues with their ex.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
I now, some of y'all can relate. I know that's right.
What do you do? How do you go around it?
Speaker 1 (01:38):
And I'm going to break it down for you in
a second as far as for example, have you ever
started a relationship where somewhat their ex still isn't over them.
They continuously figure out ways to get involved in your
new relationship, whether they have comments or even if they
have children together, and they use their children as a
(01:58):
weapon between the father and the mother.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Arlene, have you ever been in a situation like this?
Who a mata? Where do I start?
Speaker 3 (02:05):
I want to hear it. I start at this point, I.
Speaker 4 (02:08):
Mean, I'm a little older than y'all, so I dated
a lot. So there's a lot of baggage that I've
been carried throughout the years. I don't know about if
XES wanted to be up in my business, but I
did carry a lot of baggage from past experiences.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
Well, at least you're honest, and we got to be
thankful for your honesty because a lot of women out
here aren't honest about the things that they be doing,
including their fake pages on social media to start commenting
to the next girl, and you know, trying to put
all types Yes, I've said it, I've heard it.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
And in my past, I did.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
You know, go through an experience like that where the
person that I was dating their ex would you have
like a fake page, and she would talk all types
of bullsh shit to me and try to send me
pictures of them together, like old pictures of them together.
And you know, he even had to show me on
his phone like the dates of when that picture happened.
That later on, I was like, why the hell do
(03:04):
you still have those pictures? And that's another thing too.
I know that today I'm all over the place, but
that just brought me up to a good point. When
you break up with someone, are you supposed to delete
other pictures and everything that came with them from the past,
or are you still supposed to save them? Like if
you guys have romantic pictures from when you were dating,
or like nudes or like sex videos or whatever, do
(03:26):
you keep that or you delete it?
Speaker 5 (03:27):
Once a relationships, that's important, that's super important because you
know what people in today's age tend to say that
they got rid of it, But listen, personally, I've seen
people say, like, being these relationships that break up and
then they have complete access still to everything that was
(03:50):
sent between each other. They never deleted it. And I've
seen them put that they've deleted it and have it,
and something.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
Goes with me.
Speaker 5 (03:57):
I've seen people tell me, oh, yeah, I don't have
that anymore, and then their friends tell.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
Me, oh, by the way, I'm like, oh really.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Exactly, So that's my thing. Do you delete it? Do
you keep it? What do you do with all the memories?
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Let's just say, you know, there's like memories, whether it's pictures, videos,
or whatever, what about it. There's like material things, you know,
this sweater, this clothes, these shoes, these things that you
you know that remind me of you, that you gave me,
that you bought for me, whatever it is, I just
want to know.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Are you supposed to keep.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
It, give it away, delete the videos, keep the videos.
Does it make a difference. Should we be you know,
grown enough adults enough to not care, or because we
live in an era where everybody wants to have receipts.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
I got proof, I got the real thing.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
So this girl used to send me old videos that
in the moment, I was like, oh my god, I
can't believe we're just with the skank. And then he
was like, no, that's oh that's not what she said.
So he want to show me in his phone all
the way back in his gallery when the picture was say.
But in the process, I saw a whole bunch of
stuff that I'm like, why do you still even have this?
Because I don't have it, Like I be deleting, Like
(05:08):
once it's done, I don't even want to remember that
I ever had anything to do with you, Like you
don't even exist.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
I it's done, is over.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
I don't need any of those memories, especially if they
were like nude or like you know, sexy videos and
stuff like that. It is a rap, but you can't
trust it. There has to be a way of coping
with that, like just understanding to let it go, you know.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
And I think that also comes with insecurity.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
It comes with maturity, understanding your value, Understanding that you
don't have to beg anyone to love you, to care
for you, to want you.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
And if someone tells you that they.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Don't want you once, don't make them tell you more
than once that they don't want you. It's like, I
feel like love now has become so toxic and we
become so territorial over the people that we're with that
we've lost the point where we realize are worth I
think that's the most important part.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Realize your worth worthy of.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
So much that if you don't want me, there's so
many other people that would love to be with me.
If you and I don't work out as much as
we may try, there's somebody out there that will give
me everything that you're not.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
And sometimes you have to be okay with being by yourself.
Like I am right now.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
I enjoy I enjoy my piece, I enjoy my Space,
I enjoy my liberty, I enjoy going out on dates
with no serious commitment. Till we figure things out, like
take things slow, and I just feel like if things
don't work out, they didn't work out for a reason.
You don't have to stay in the picture like a stalker, like, oh,
I'm already moving on, but I mun still be like
(06:36):
looking out to see what.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
My ex is doing.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
See saka well, saka well, That's how I feel. However,
here comes a very important factor. What do you do
if you're ex and you have children together, if you
have children in common?
Speaker 2 (06:54):
How do you deal with that? Alex?
Speaker 1 (06:56):
How do you deal with not being spiteful without you know,
not using your kids as a weapon between both of y'all?
Speaker 2 (07:06):
How do you deal with that?
Speaker 3 (07:07):
See?
Speaker 5 (07:08):
For me, when my X ray started dating again, For
me it was different. For me, it was I wanted
to make sure that the kids were with someone who
was safe, right. I never was the one to be like, oh,
who is he questioning?
Speaker 3 (07:21):
What does he do? Where is he coming from? Blah
blah blah.
Speaker 5 (07:24):
For me, it was always like, huh, when they're you
know who this person is, how they're going to act
around my kids?
Speaker 2 (07:28):
You know?
Speaker 3 (07:29):
And I have two daughters, so I'm even more protective.
You know, you never know right walking up into the house.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
But the thing about it is that when you are
a public figure, and I'm not saying I'm just having,
you know, generic conversation, but when you are a public figure,
things just become so much bigger and people just zoom
into your life in a way that they don't do
with obviously someone who's not in the spotlight. So yes,
it may make it a little bit more difficult, or
more obvious, or more whatever. I am very respectful when
(07:58):
it comes to people that have had children in common.
It's like, no matter how much I may like you
or whatever, I respect the mother of your children.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
I understand that she was there before me.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
I understand that she takes a very important role because
she is taking care and raising your children that came
out of both of y'all that you guys made together,
and I am new into the picture. I've always been
that type of person. If I am dating someone that
has children, I am the type of person that I'm
always very open minded into having a conversation with your ex.
(08:29):
Only if you guys have children in common, not if
this is your extra years ago as ericomigo, but if
your ex which will remain to be in your life
for the rest of your life, because you guys have
children in common.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
And I'm in the picture.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
If you ever want to sit down and have a
conversation with me, you want to know where I come from,
who I am, what do I do? So you say,
you know, if I'm into drugs, if I'm crazy, if
I'm whatever.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
I want to make you.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Feel comfortable enough because I understand that your children will
now be in my space because now I am dating
the father or whatever. I would ask this more because
Alex has already been there. When you divorced your ex
(09:12):
wife and then you got with your new wife, did
your ex and your new wife ever meet or had
a conversation or did you put it together?
Speaker 2 (09:20):
Has this ever happened?
Speaker 3 (09:21):
Oh yeah, yeah, you got you gotta have that. You
got to have that.
Speaker 5 (09:25):
So, for instance, I never introduced anyone to my daughters
when I was dating right when me and my ex
got divorced or whatever. They never met anyone when I
was dating someone for about a year and a half,
and that's when I finally introduced them to this person.
That's the only woman from my exes that they ever met.
(09:45):
She was kind, she was loving, she took care of
my children. You know, she didn't have to, she was
She was there for them, which was something comforting for me.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
Right.
Speaker 5 (09:56):
So I've had the I've had the pleasure of being
with someone one that completely loves them, has seen them
grow up, and you know, they're women now, they're nineteen
and twenty one. Yeah, so they are they're grown ups now.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
You know. I had my.
Speaker 5 (10:14):
Kids very very young. It was difficult for me as
a single dad to meet women when I was divorced
and have my kids anywhere near them, especially since I
was a very very protective of them. And number two,
I don't know what is going on through someone's mind.
I know my ex was always very adamant, like like,
(10:36):
who are these women?
Speaker 3 (10:37):
You know?
Speaker 5 (10:38):
Are you know, because they would my kids would come
home and be like, oh, daddy was talking someone because
they might have stopped by and said hello to me,
And when they did, they would go home, Oh we
met daddy.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
You know, and that was starting.
Speaker 5 (10:51):
Yes, yeah, And it was less It was less about
the oh, I'm jealous because I still like him because
she had already moved on.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
It was more like the protective issue.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
Right.
Speaker 5 (10:59):
So that's something I throw to you. I know that
you're in the limelight. So that's very difficult to navigate.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
It is very difficult.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
I haven't been in a situation at this moment where
I have to feel like I need to explain to
anyone or anybody. You know, I am the mother and
father of my children, so therefore I make the best
decisions for them. At this moment, they are small and
they don't really know the difference too much. Once they
start to clearly understand, I will be very very protective
(11:32):
and very respectful, and I will treat it accordingly as
far as who they get to meet and when they
get to meet, Which brings me back to this question.
How do you know when it's the right person that
you can introduce them to your children? Because you could
be dating and you really like this person and it's like,
oh my god, I really think there's going to be
a thing. How long before you introduce them to your
(11:55):
children and be like yo, this is because what you
don't want to do is be dating someone. We're like, oh,
this is the one and they be like oh over.
Then you come back to dating someone else. Oh look
meet this person. Oh it's over. Because they can be
very confusing for the children, it can lead traumas. They
may not understand what's going on. They may emotionally become
attached to this person that once you guys break up
as adults, it affects their well being as well.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
So when do you introduce them? How do you even
do that?
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Because I thought about it, My girls are small. Eventually
I will have to solidify my relationship because.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Right now I'm dating.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
I just got out into being open minded enough to
even start going out on dates. You guys know that
I've been very vocal about being celibate and the traumas
that I've had after childbirth and how I'm not prepared
to move forward in the physical aspect. Mentally, I am
opening my mind into understanding that I'm still young and
(12:51):
I deserve to be loved, and you know, life goes
on right. Everybody has their own healing process. But eventually,
my girls are going to have to eat someone and
I'm gonna have to date someone. So how do I
know when to be like and then also understand Mommy
is dating this person.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
It doesn't mean that this is your new stepdaddy, you know.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
It doesn't mean that this is your near father figure
at this moment, Mommy, the adult.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
This person likes this person, new friend, this new friend.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Because I've also seen women that have their dog, their kids,
all of a sudden, as soon as they start dating,
calling the you know, their boyfriend's daddy and all types
of like and that's very confusing.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
It's just so much.
Speaker 6 (13:33):
I know that right now you're in a situation, you're dating,
doing a little dating, You're dabbing your.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Toes a little bit. How's the dating life going?
Speaker 4 (13:41):
And are you now reluctant to even.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
Get out there?
Speaker 4 (13:46):
Is what's going on in your life right now making
you feel like, damn, should I get back into Michael Koh?
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Yeah, and just go ahead and hide again. You know
what I enjoy going out in dinners. I enjoy life experiences.
I enjoy the morning text messages and being told that
you're beautiful and missing someone. You know that process in
the beginning of like, damn, I can't wait till you
know you wake up and the first thing you look
is look at their message to see if they hit
you up first.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
And you know, all that journey is such a.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Beautiful experience that I feel that sometimes once you feel
that you already have somebody solid, you've been with them
for years, you lose that, you know, And I love
the dating process. I feel that once you have sex,
which is normal, is natural. Everybody loves to have sex,
go for it. But I feel that sometimes sex changes
the energy of things, It changes the rout of things.
(14:35):
That's why I feel like people should date, get to
know each other. Like back in the days, people used
to go on long dates and you know, the popcasts
right in front of your door before you go in,
and like, I love that journey. I'm a little bit
traditional in old school in that process, and I feel
that once it happens, it happens, you know. Like I said,
I know that once I physically give myself to someone,
things are going to change and it's going to be
(14:57):
like you know, I don't know, maybe it does, and
maybe you know, because people do it like a hobby
these days. It doesn't even have to mean anything. It
just means you know, I wanted you want it, We
got it in all right?
Speaker 2 (15:07):
Then bye. I'm not built like that.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
I respect everybody who you know is open minded and
is down with it.
Speaker 6 (15:14):
I'm just not that girl. Do you think partners are
more jealous because of everything that they see on social media,
like if their baby daddy is online with someone new,
do you think social media is playing a part in that,
because I would imagine that's hard to see your baby
daddy with another person, especially if they're attractive and they're
posting these you know, elaborated pictures together.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
And if they're having a good life and a good time.
Of course, there's a part of you, no matter how
much you say it doesn't bother you that you feel like, damn, like,
why didn't you do that with me? You know, why
are you becoming the better version of you for someone else?
I got to put up with all your bull you know,
your bs, and then this other person gets to get
the best version of you. I polished you, I cleaned
(15:59):
you up, I I made you mature. I made you,
you know, go to school or have a better job,
or you know, physically become more attractive for someone else.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
But you couldn't do that for me.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
And I think it's important that we understand that sometimes
we're not meant to be in a forever relationship with someone.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
Sometimes we're just there to build from and for each other.
Speaker 1 (16:19):
The way that I handle that is that I avoid
looking at anything related to any of my exes. I
avoid any social media content. My friends and family know
not to send me anything. Don't mention to me, oh
I saw this first.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
I don't care.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Just don't because it will bring somewhat of a little something.
Not in all relationships, because some of the ex relationship
you're like, oh, I don't care, some still linger a
little bit somewhere in the back of your heart for
half a second, and it might just be like going, damn,
that's okay, you know whatever, especially if you haven't found
(16:56):
somebody else or if you haven't been able to move on.
So yeah, it can be very difficult, and I think
it's important for us to understand each other's feelings.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
You know, Let's not be disrespectful.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Let's not be harsh on someone who once upon a
time cared for you, loved for you know, had love
for you, and now that you've moved on, you just
want to act like their feelings don't count. It doesn't
mean that that's any of your business because your feelings
are yours. You got to handle your own feelings batter
you know, be cordial, like you know, I get it.
Let's not be extra disrespectful because men will do that too,
(17:29):
and women will do that too. They'll be all, you know,
extra sexy, grinding all up.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
On their new you know, partner, and doing all.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
That extra stuff that you weren't doing before, trying to
be spiteful because you know they're watching. Honestly, you know
that recently there was a TV interview where they were
saying that I was fast. Wasn't she just with her
baby daddy and look at her now moving on to
(17:59):
someone else. I'm gonna excuse me pause, and I'm gonna
speak generic because I don't want to make it about
my situation. But in many occasions, while the woman is
still in the relationship, the man is already having affairs
with several different women, and you're still there holding onto
things and being you know, forgiving them, thinking that they
(18:21):
can change. I'm not saying it's about me, but it
sounds very familiar. So, you know something, they're like, oh,
you know, you moved on, Yeah, but this person had
already moved on while we were together, with several, not one,
but with several, you know, And at some point you
have to realize who you are and pick up your
worth in your in yourself and be like nah, I
can't continue to forgive. I can't continue to stay here
(18:43):
because this is never gonna change, and if they know
that you're willing to put up with it, they will
continue to do it. So even if you love someone,
because at one point I left a situation that I
was in loving this person to the core of me
being depressed, crying like the love of my life, and
I had to get away from that situation because of
me and my self worth, like I can't allow you
(19:06):
to step on me like I'm not worthy. I think
that's very important for people to know and do because
you stay in relationships and you stay in situations that
you know that you don't belong there, but you still
stay out of that loyalty thing. So anyways, I don't
I think that you know, once something is dead, you
have the right to move forward. You don't have to
(19:27):
be stick around or like nobody has died. You know
nobody has died that you like, oh, I have to
stay here for the next twenty thirty days and just
you know, cry and be and suffer.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
No, if you want to move on with your life,
you do that.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
And I think that I've done a good job because
I've waited many months, almost yeah, practically a year almost.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
Two finally decide to start dating.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
And I focus on myself, my health, my body, my business,
my career. I've focused on being the best mother I
can be, and now I want to get back to
being myself and I don't want to lose myself in
the process.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Yeah, so I think that's natural.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
As well as you should.
Speaker 5 (20:05):
And you know, my last piece of advice for you
and in this whole situation would be just to take
your time with it. And really, you know, as a mother,
be protective of your children. Your children will and you
know this because you said it a million tens and
you continue to do it.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
Your children do come first.
Speaker 5 (20:21):
So I think, well, the problem that arises with this
is that people think that they have access to others
very easily, that they have a reason to say and
do and act the way that they do. And they
should really take a look at themselves in the mirror,
especially if they themselves are parents or thinking about becoming
(20:47):
a parent. How would they like that being done to them?
And that here's the unfortunate part. They don't do that
until it's too late or they think it's done, and
then almost everything comes around and it gets done to
them and then they're karma.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
Yeah, you know what, this conversation today wasn't just about me.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
This conversation was a general conversation because I know that
there's been so many relationships that have fallen apart because
of their axes. I know that there's so many eccees
that still don't know how to move forward, how to
move on. I know there's so many parents that co
parent and don't know how to deal with their emotions
and end up affecting their children's well being because of that.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
I know that there's just you know, I didn't want
to make it about me.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
I just want to talk about I wanted to be
the voice of many women, of many people listening to
the show that have been there, done that, gone through it,
and they have their own baggage, and they're learning how
to deal with their significant others baggage as well. Sometimes
you have to learn how to let go of certain
things and some things you just can't let go, and
you have to build from there on. And if I
have any final words and just something you could take
(21:56):
home with you, I would say, if you really love
someone and you think this person is worthy of you
fighting for them, stick around, tough it out, figure out
ways of making this situation work. I would hate for
a beautiful relationship that you could be building on to
fall apart because of someone's bitterness, because of someone's exes,
because someone doesn't want to let them go, because someone
(22:18):
doesn't want to let you guys be happy.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Figure out ways to stick together, because.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
The stronger you guys are together, the stronger you guys
can fight against the world. If you're an ex it
still can't get over your significant you know your past.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
Let it go. You are worthy of so much better.
You know.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
If you let go of your past, you can focus
on your future. There is someone out there that's going
to love you and want you as much as you
seem to.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
Want your ex. You know, let it go. Some things
are not meant for you, and that's okay.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
And with time and maturity, you realize that life is
too short to be holding onto baggage. Especially if a
man or a woman tells you that they don't want
you anymore. Don't don't make them tell you more than once.
Figure ship up, pick your stuff up, lift your head
up high, and keep it moving. I want to thank
Alex and Arleen for joining me today, for being my
(23:09):
support system, for for being my friends and giving me
great advice, and not just to me, but to you
guys as well.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
Thank you guys so much for joining today. And with
that being said, thank.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
You for listening to Exactly Amada and make sure to
find us on my YouTube channel Exactly a Matter or
a Mad Go check me out and follow me at
Amara lagra Aln on Instagram. And remember that this has
been a production of Ihearts Micro through that podcast network. Guys,
thank you so much, give me those five stars. Subscribe, subscribe,
(23:40):
tell a friend, and tell a friend and tell a
friend because my podcast is lit. And for more podcasts
from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
This is your.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
Girl, madgra I'll see you guys next time.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Op
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