704: My Identity Crisis

On this week's episode, the entire hospital suffers an identity crisis. Does Cox enjoy his free time or his family more? Is Carla losing her identity as a Latina? Is JD the janitor now?! In the real world, the whole team is back. 

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Oh here lafting the rain, heart break on playing the
rain God still cold though, Listen, I know we need
that rain in La and I appreciate that we got
two days of it, but fuck that rain. You got
a sweater on too, everybody's cold, freezing dude. And I

(00:22):
walked into a room that didn't have the heat on.
So heats the heats coming in, but this room did
not have heat on, and I'm I got like two
layers on. So I'm going to a sports match on Sunday.
I invited Donald. He said no, but I've been invited
to be in the Casa Amigo's box at the RAMS game.
Oh forgetting not get hammered at the Casa Amigo's box

(00:47):
at the RAMS game. I'm I'm worried already. You don't drink,
that's how you do it. I'm not gonna not drink
in the Causa Migos box at the RAMS game. If
we could rede rewind this too, we need to fast
forward to after I've gone a year ago, maybe less
than that, and somebody said, Zach, we're gonna take you

(01:07):
to the Casa and me goes box. You'd be like, nah,
I ain't fucking with the casa and me goes box. No,
I'm first of all, I'm not gonna I don't obviously,
I'm not gonna get hammered. I'm just saying, I'm obviously
gonna have some tequila. Tequila, tequila to kill you. I'm
gonna have some to kill you. Donald. Remember this, I
invited you to go, and you said you couldn't. But

(01:27):
you're telling me if you were there, you wouldn't have
a separate to kill you. I might have to Look,
let me just say this right now. I remember back
in the day when we would go to the club, right,
we would get to the club less you know what
was the one off of YUCKA Joseph's Joelina Joseph's, and

(01:48):
we would get into Joseph's and we would walk right
to the box. Would be like, right after work, I
don't think I drank tequila, though we'd shot. We would
do the shot and then go, who gotta be at
work tomorrow, dude. They were like when we'd be like, Hi,
look if we're home by one o'clock, we would calculated
if we're home by one and our cold time seven,

(02:08):
that's a solid five and a half hours sleep. I
remember him days. I think I want to do you
think I want to live the rest of my life
on Yuckaye? That what he says. Yes, Vince Vaughn. Um. Byway,
I spoke to Vince Vaughn randomly when we were shooting
the Team Mobile spots. Did I tell you that our
Team mobile producer and entrepreneur is like best friends with

(02:30):
Vince because he made wedding crashers and stuff. And while
we're sitting there talking, he put Vince called him and
he goes here, You say hi, and I you know,
I just worked with Vince and and hung out with
him in Miami, So I was like, hang man, Zach.
It was funny. We had like a quick chat just
chatting with Vince Vaughn, my new BF. You guys are
best friends? Huh hey um. I did invite Donald and

(02:53):
his beautiful wife to a gala on Saturday. We were
going to a black tie gala for an amazing charity,
Old Baby to Baby, Because they're an amazing charity. They
provide children living in poverty with diapers, clothing, at all
the basic necessities that every child deserves. And they do
a giant diaper bank and their nonprofit and it's just

(03:14):
for taking care of children who are in home of
shelters and domestic violence programs and foster care. You can
go to baby two baby and the two is the
number two dot org if you want to learn more.
But Donald and I are going, and I'm sure we're
gonna donate lots of money while we're there. They're gonna
get us, They're gonna get me putting my paddle up
to vote to bid on something or something. But we

(03:36):
are going to have a blast raising money for this charity,
and most importantly, we get to be in tuxedos together.
I'm really excited for it. I think it might really
just be you and I that night because Casey's sick.
She got the flu, bad dude, like the real flu,
Like all right, so look she can't get better by Saturday.

(03:57):
I don't know. She got tama flu inside of her
own time. I think we'll see she get a dressed today.
She's got a dress as well, okay, because she told
me she was dressed about the dress. She got a dress.
I got a tux. I'm trying to look fly and
dippity dip. I'm looking my hair cut, although I got
an end grown that's causing me to have a boil
on my cheek. Right now, I'm just gonna put that

(04:19):
out there. I need to go to the DeMott and
the base still like weird man. It's like because I've
been fucking with it and and and sticking needles in it.
Every time you post. Don't do that. Every time you
post these thirsty pictures of your face. Um, I roll
my eyes and laugh. But then I go, damn, look
at his skin. Not right now, I got something going on.

(04:39):
I'm so imsecure about it. I'm talking about it on
the podcast. Listen, I have an audition today. You guys
who I don't know audition that much. I know you audience.
You're shocked because you're like Zach, you're more famous than
Leo and Brad put together. But I when I want something,
I whiteboard it and I fucking go after it. Yeah.
I really want this part. It's not not Star Wars,

(05:00):
but it's a really good part and I and it
has The audition has a one and a half page
monologue that I've been memorizing my butt off, because listen,
you actors, from a guy who's more often a director
these days. If you're trying to audition and you don't
have that stuff memorized, and you're looking down at your page.
You don't have a shot in hell. You got to
know that shit and be present. So I'm telling myself

(05:24):
that I've been memorizing age. Let me ask you a question,
just to somebody who's doing who who's now practicing what
they preach? Yes, what happens if you save a stumble
in that monologue? Does that mean the audition is over? Well,
first of all, it used to be back in the
day that we would go in right, so holding onto
the sides that what we call the size is lingo
for the senior holding. Um, it was kind of like

(05:47):
a crutch, like worst case scenario, want to embarrass myself
and I can look down, but it's like a crutch.
But nowadays it's all self tapes, meaning you're you're taping
yourself at home like ninety nine percent of the time.
So just get off book and if you fuck up
to the tape again, um, you know, don't don't. And
actually I just keep Florence a shout out for this
because she's a better actress than I am. But she

(06:08):
would always say like I'm never not offully, fully off book.
She goes, I just can't be present. I can't if
there's a part of me that knows I have the
crutch there and I can look down. I'm not present
in the scene enough to perform. And and I Ward
nominated actors, Yeah, there's your there's your acting either. If
you need to listen actors out there. If you don't

(06:29):
want to take my advice, to take it from an
Academy Award nominee. But I but it's true because when
I'm a director, I look at it and I see
these people come in who are holding their sides and
looking down, and they can't. They cannot compete with the
person who's fully memorized and present and just with you.
And there they just there's no competition. There you go.

(06:49):
I find I find that my my best audition. Speaking
of auditions, I find that my best audition to the
one where I'm not desperate. And it's hard to be
not desperate as an actor because we're holding on to,
you know, getting the jog. If I before you even
auditioned for the job, you've already spent the money in

(07:11):
your head, you know what I mean. But you have
no control. I can tell you as a director the actor,
you could literally walk in and be the best actor
for the part, but you look too much like somebody else,
or you're too old, or you're too young, or or
we just cast the father and you look nothing like him.
There's so many fucking variables. So all you can do

(07:33):
is go in there and crush and do your best
and not be desperate, and not be desperate, and be
prepared because the guy before you, and the guy and
the guy or gal after you, guess what, they fucking
memorize that shit and worked on it for a week
with all their friends, and you're in there half asking it,
holding it down. Parties they had parties. Yo, dude, I

(07:53):
got this big audition on Thursday. You guys want to
come over and run lines with me drinking wine, smoking
and I even got my I even got When you
say this line, I think you need to really think
about what you're saying, because you know what I mean.
They by the way, I'm literally doing that because a
pet peeve of mine and the last thing for for
the acting crowd. I know you can't always get a

(08:16):
good reader, because sometimes that's the person who reads with
you off camera. I understand that, and I respect that,
but just let me tell you. If the person is
distractingly bad, it's it's distracting to watch. So you got
to get your actor friend to be off camera. Not
your grandma, not your not your wife, not sure no
case he can act, not you, not your you know, plumber.

(08:39):
It's got to be someone who can at least deliver
a line decently, otherwise it pulls you out. So I
have an actor friend coming who's going to read with me.
So there's your actor friend. He's actually the guy one
of the directors who directed me and Vanessa and a
French girl. He's not only an actor, but a director,
and he's he's awesome and you're gonna love him because
he's gonna be one of my new friends. Okay, I

(09:01):
love that love. Let's count into the show donald phase.
But he's not gonna be like your best friend. I'm
all your best friend. I'm not gonna make a podcast
seven eight stories about show we made about a bunch
of doctor nurses stories. Yeado around here? Are yeado around here?

(09:34):
Are they're running our t mobile ads? Like crazy dude?
All three of them. Yeah, I've not seen I haven't
seen the third one? Have you seen it out? I've
only heard about the two Christmas ones. I've seen the
two Christmas ones, and I have not seen the third one. Yeah,
I don't know the third one. You've seen the third
one where Donald gets hit with the with the workout straps.
Did you laugh? Yeah? Of course I laughed. It's so funny.

(09:57):
The whole family's texting me, like your guys all over
our TV. I'm like, I know, I see that Donald
had injuries, injuries from those from well drops I took
well you t mobile? Yeah, oh my goodness. Well because
there was really no way to do the joke without
him actually getting hit in the chest with those things,
so take after take he had to get hit with
freed When Michael B. Jordan took that punch and got

(10:21):
knocked out, I took one just like that too. Why
did he really get knocked out? That's true? Yeah, he
got knocked out. Apparently he got knocked the fuck out.
But I don't know. Um. I love behind the scenes
anecdotes like that. Donald. I mean, I'm just saying, do
you remember you know my favorite Rocky even though it's

(10:41):
some bullshit R Rocky three? Oh yeah, I like Rocky
three with Dolf. No, no, no, oh, that's four. Sorry,
mister mister T. Yeah, you ain't so bad, You ain't
so bad. Mister T didn't le didn't get enough acting opportunities.
He got a team, and then he got a taxi

(11:02):
taxi cab right, DC cab DC cab A team. Yeah,
and then and then just Rocky three and Rocky and
then he has Cereal for a while, mister mister T Cereal,
the Mister T cartoon, mister T d D. I mean,
don't get me wrong. What's a higher honor than having
your own cereal? Having your own cartoon? I know, but

(11:26):
mister T head is own Cereal. I wish we could
have a donald fake doctor's real friends here. Hey, Juell,
can you look into that. I know they're always asking
for new merch. Is it possible that we could have
a fake doctor's real friends Cereal? I love this. I
call General Mills immediately. No, but call that merch lady.
There's that merch lady who seems to be able to
figure out anything. I want a fake doctor's real friends Cereal,

(11:48):
and they better be marshmallows in that ship too. No,
it should be some marshmallows. It should be simple. Jobelle's
writing it down. It should be something simple. Oh man,
it should be something simple like cocoke, crispies and and
and and and that's it, Like something delicious that everybody's well,
we're got obviously not they're not going to manufacture from scratch.
What we're gonna do is take some off brand and

(12:09):
then put our bases on it. But I just want
I just want marshmallows. And there's all I'm saying. But
the marshmallows turn into like dry chalk. What about our faces?
How great would that be if it was our faces? Well,
then erklo Erco had erkulos. Yeah, that's these are these
are these are monuments in someone's career. I don't know
that I'm ever going to achieve my own cereal. That'd

(12:32):
be amazing. It would be amazing to have f DF.
I mean, by the way, just take alphabets, here's Joel,
just get just get off branded alphabets and have some
intern at iHeart pull out every letter that's not faked.

(12:52):
Are that's fucking hilarious and fake doctor's real friends. That's
pretty much, Joel. I just solid it for you. We
need off brand alphabets in an intern a come back.
If you come back with a cereal company that's willing

(13:13):
to do this, I am impressed. And hey, if you're
a listener who has an off brand cereal company, please
reach out to especially if it's an off brand alphabets
and you're willing to add marshvillows um donald on my
Identity Crisis. I thought this was a great episode. I

(13:35):
laughed a lot. I'm very funny stuff. Your baby is
the cutest baby ever. It's twins. Oh those twins Winds.
That baby gets a lot of screen time and uh
he is he or she is? She's so beautiful and
the twins she's in real life too. She's so pretty,
this child, this little baby. So the show starts off

(13:57):
with Turk and Carla making out in the bed. Yeah,
and then this they take it to the next level.
Carla wants to take it to the next level. Turk decides, Okay,
I know how to get you there and ties her up,
and she's excited about that, yep. But then j D
enters y and j D is like, hey, hey, y'all,

(14:20):
and she's like, what's what's JD doing here? And I'm like,
and then Turk's like, he's here to kill you. And
then Carla is like, Elliott won't allow it. But Elliott
will allow it because Turk and her have come to
an agreement that once Carla is out of the picture,
she can raise Izzy. Yeah, while j D and Turk

(14:41):
go on an amusement water park tour. Yes, that, and
we realize it's a it's all a nightmare she's having,
and she wakes up and she's most concerned of all
those wacky things, not being tied up, not her friends
trying to kill her, but that she's dreaming in English,
and that she's losing her identity and she's not passing

(15:01):
her Latina heritage down to her child. Don't don't dun
now listen. I gotta tell you something. I don't like
water parks as an adult. I find them disgusting. Okay,
but I did have an experience, and this is a

(15:22):
little gross. Did actually, if you got kids in the car,
skip the next ten seconds. No. It was a generic
water park. And I came down, I landed in the
pool and I was like, whoo yay. And I looked
over and a woman had was having her menzies into
the pool. I'm due, and I really thought, you know what,

(15:51):
I think. I'm good with water parks. I I they're
great when you're a kid, when you when you don't
know what you don't know, But that many people sharing
that limit an amount of water, I just don't think
it's a good idea. I don't ever I don't ever
want to go to a water park ever again. Have
you been with your children? We have, and we got
on everything and it was so much fun, and now

(16:14):
it will never happen again. Well, I'm sure there's so
much chlorine that everyone's fine, But I just know. I'm
sure what I read Thanks to uber facts, man, uber
facts be putting stuff out there that really fucks up
your day. When you drink tap water, yeah, you're drinking
water that has been through the system of over seven

(16:36):
seven people have drank that water. It says up to
seven people have drank the water that you just drink. Oh,
I know there's any depressants in the water, because everyone's
pissing out there. Any depressants, I think that's a thing
down Google it there, you're not I don't even need
to google it. You're absolutely right. People are detecting more

(16:56):
and more antidepressants in the water in the ASUER system.
This is also they check for COVID and they were like,
you know, we found like a three hundred times more antidepressants.
There you go, hashtag two thousand twenty two. I think
it's more just that more people are medicated, but like, yeah,
it's a lot. I wonder why people more people in
medicaid because there's a lot, right, I remember right now,
that's right, I remember. There's a lot going on in

(17:18):
the world. Bro, world, I remember now. Um, the world
is a mampire. Um all right, I didn't start the fire.
Oh god, I don't know if you were always burning
since the world's been turning. Okay, all right, so turn
means more now than it's ever meant ever. All right,

(17:38):
listen turk you um then, so this is the world
we live and are until Collins, right, Superman, where are
you now? Remember that video? I think it was all pets, Daniel,

(17:59):
You remember that the video for that song with puppets. No,
I don't look it up. These guys are way too young, dude.
These guys are too young for Phil Collins. I don't
even know what MTV is. They don't know when MTV
they don't even know what you know, all those memes
about how Phil Collins didn't have to go that hard
on the Tarzan soundtrack. Have you seen that meme where

(18:24):
it's like where it's like the pianos on fire and
it's like and like and it's like and it's like
executive all right, Phil, we just need a couple of
songs about Tarzan and the girls they went in on
that soundtrack. I still never seen the movie. Such a
good movie. You sick the movie even in just lien

(18:45):
to the soundtrack. I used to play the video game.
I used to tell you right now, it's very emotional.
But anyway, um there's a crazy my stop stop stop listening.
No matter what they say, listen, Daniel, I need you
to honor men and watch the Phil Collins. What's the

(19:05):
name of that song with the puppets, Donald, I don't know.
I don't know the name of Phil Collins puppets. This
is the world. We Land of confusion when we when
we were kids and people watch music videos. That was
a big hit because he made it all with puppets.

(19:26):
I mean, not Phil his music video director. I don't
think philm made the puppets. Filmade puppets. That'd be so cool.
All right, listen, um, Turk, what's this thing? Where Turk
was headed towards you were headed towards me at forty
miles per hour and with your penis, and it felt
like I got pistol whipped. That's us at a water park. Well, oh,

(19:47):
that's right. I was j D at the water park
when they realize j D the Lightheart didn't space us
out evenly on the ride and j D this is
when we learned that j D doesn't even like water parks.
Why would Carla say, that's what you're gonna write. But
the reason JD doesn't like them is not because of
my Mensi's reason. It's because you came down too quickly

(20:09):
down the shoet, because Turt came down the shoot too. Yes,
Turk came down down the shoe Now now, now was
Turk rock hard on the slide? Is that? I think
the implication is that your eel, your eel is so
magnificent and gir girthsome that it still felt like I
was being pissed whipped in the face. Word okay, is

(20:32):
girth some a word? I don't know but it's a word.
All right. I don't think so, but I like it.
We can make it one okay, thank you. How would
you use it in a sentence? Zach, Donald's shaft is
so girthsome that if it hits you in the head,
you feel like you're being pissed to whips. Dictionary and

(20:52):
Urban Dictionary have girth. So all right, Oh wow, it
is a word. Um hey, yeah, I can't do with
all that. You know that picture I posted to the
storyboard from the Team Mobile commercial where where I'm listing
the pole. No, but it's so funny. Some guy wrote, um,

(21:14):
long die dot dot and I was like, what's the joke.
I don't get it. And then I looked at the
picture again, and I guess it could be interpreted that
it's your car that you're looking on. Something very growthsome.
If you're if you're listening, go to my Instagram and
look for the storyboard frame I pictured and see if
you think it looks like, um, I'm licking Donald's girth
some pole. All right? All right? Janner made his own

(21:39):
toys out of toilet paper as a child. Yes. Um.
He then digs into JD because JD thinks he's a
man of the people. And meanwhile, the janner says, you
don't know anyone at at this hospital's name. You just
know everyone's you have nicknames for it, but you don't
know anyone's name, right, And I think the stems from

(22:02):
somebody once giving a challenge to Bill. I'm just going
to get to that. Yeah, yeah, I mean, well we're here,
let's get into it, all right. So somebody said to Bill,
because we had a giant crew, um, you don't know
everyone on the crew's name. And this was after many years. Now,
first of all, that's that's the big guys to know
like two hundred people's names. If you're the show running.
The showrunner is super busy. He's no not always on

(22:24):
the set. Um, he's certainly not going to know every driver,
every every construction person's name. But Bill said, yes I do.
And the person said, I'll make you a giant bet.
And Bill said, at the rap party, I will do
a slide show and you will bring up every single
crew member and I will name every single name. And Bill,

(22:45):
because he's the most competitive mofo on earth, did the
very technique that's in this show with flash cards and
neumonic devices and learned every single persons. They did, they
did them, they did the shot, did the slide show,
and he fucking did it. He got everyone. But he
did exactly what the janitor what JD does pneumonic devices

(23:08):
in the episode with like, Okay, you know that person
has curls and that because of that, that brings me
to the JD does one with like I once saw
Snoop dogs skinny legs and skinny legs are are like
French fries and Ronald McDonald is French fries. Snoop Dogg's
real name is Ronald. And that's that's how you can

(23:29):
do it. And that's how Bill did it. And he
fucking put a lot of time. And he remember he
had flash cards, remember Donald, Yeah, I remember he was
walking around the hospital getting tested daily. Yeah, and not
only blood tests, right, he was. They've had polaroids and
a board. Because Bill will not lose a bet. Bill

(23:49):
is all you gotta do is your Bill is so competitive,
Like there's not a world where he was going to
lose that bet. No, I don't even know what the
bet was for, how much money it was, for what
it was for. No, it was just I don't I'm sure.
I'm sure there was something on the line. He would
have had to donate money to somebody or some cause.
But but there was money on the line. I mean,

(24:09):
we did have scrubs factor where we did really nasty
things like eat hot sauce off of another person's foot. Yeah,
and maybe they tried to get him that way. I
don't know, I don't remember. And then Scott are A
d eight pigs feet, but he didn't have any problem
with it because he loves pigs feet. Yeah. You know,

(24:30):
if you grow up in the African American community, there's
one thing that is in or just actually in the hood.
There's one thing that's in every bodega or corner store,
and that's the jar of pickles and the jar of
pickled pigs feet. And well, listen to someone who didn't
have that life experience. Watching a man eat pigs feet

(24:52):
was pretty gross. But he was saber. He was licking
so fast, and everybody was like, oh my god, I
can't believe it. And he looked at me and gave
me a little wink like oh. All the white people
were like, oh my god. And you guys looked at
each other and were like white people don't know nothing. Yeah,

(25:13):
you know, that's how it goes, all right, So back
to the show. So the janitor says to Ted, sorry,
this is Ted, and then Ted says, putting my smile
away and on with the day. And then so the
janitor says to JD. Look, if you can figure out
everybody's name by the I you said, I guess. J

(25:37):
D said he could figure out the name by the
end of a week. He said, if you could, or
by the end of the day. There must have been
a few days. A few days. I think it was
by the end of the day, but you could be right.
So if you could figure out everybody's name, I'll do
my job. And if you can figure out and if
you can't do it, you have to do my job.
And he's like and JD's like, well, how is that

(25:57):
a win? He goes, I just didn't you hear what
I said? I'll do my job. And I'm like, oh oh.
And JD's like, how long has it been He's with
years and he's like, I like, do you still do
you still remember? He's like, it doesn't need to mind
say something like that. He's like, yeah, I can figure
it out. Yeah, very funny, we do watch the show people. Um,
Johnny c mcginley's story is that Jordan is going away

(26:20):
for a week and they're both trying to act like
they don't care, and he's like trying to act like
he doesn't need her, he's not going to miss her,
and he's so excited, and everyone, including especially Elliott, is
trying to prove that that's bullshit. He's gonna miss his wife.
He's obsessed and in love with his wife, and and
and it's okay to admit that. And he spends the

(26:42):
whole week that she's away. I think it's a week.
Um uh, well I was supposed to be overnight. Then
it turns into okay, well, how remember much time it
was learning, you know, really realizing that he's he's he
is lonesome, he is needy. He actually is so needy
that he ends up helping JD sitting with j That's
just how lonesome and needy he is. I think every

(27:04):
person can relate, especially when your spouse or your loved
one or your person leaves you alone. You put up
a front at first, but then when you're saying by
at the airport, you're crying like a little baby. I'm
telling you that right now, And that's the real deal.
Holy feel like every time I go away for a
long period of time for jobs, Like I went away

(27:26):
for a year once right before COVID happened, and I
remember being like, this is gonna be the worst thing ever.
But going up to it, I'm thinking, Oh, this is
gonna be great. I could play video games all day,
I go to bed when I want. This is gonna
be the best time in my life. I could drink,
I can freak and smoke weed, I can eat whatever
the fuck I want. I can just dude, you know
what I mean. And the day it was time to go,

(27:48):
I couldn't stop crying, just looking at my kids and
looking at my wife and everything like that. And then
while I was gone, I must mean FaceTime has a bill.
My FaceTime bill was through the roof, because I know
I FaceTime my wife like just for anything. FaceTime, Hey,
what you're doing? Are you at the grocery store? What
you're getting? Just so I can see you know what

(28:09):
I mean? Like that, it just shows how how happily
and perfectly matched you are with your with your person. Well,
I mean, that's and that's what I think that's what
Jordan's trying to tell Cox. It's like, look, we're for
each other. They really are. Even though they have this bizarre,
contentious relationship, they're so perfectly matched for each other. Yeah,

(28:30):
that's and I mean, it's a beautiful thing when you
find that. Some of y'all don't got that out there.
I'm gonna just say, y'all know, some of y'all need
to hear this. If it ain't like that, then what
are you doing? Zach? I love you? Yeah, I agree,
I agree. Don't settle people. Donald's messages, don't settle Wait,
we're gonna take a break. And then we came back grounds.
I'm gonnavern again. All right, we'll be right back, and

(29:04):
we're bad. We are back. So the hospital does the wave. Yes,
that was very clever. They did a wave through the
entire hospital. U and JD, who's probably never seen a wave, says, look,
i gotta tell you, if this is what they do

(29:27):
at sporting events, I'm gonna start going well. Because he
was in the middle of the wave and then realize though,
this is so much fun. So he ran all the
way downstairs to the end of the wave so he
could do it one last time. Yes, but we skipped
something skipped the Todds saying, yeah, but you know what
going to that? Speaking of healthy bones, I've got one

(29:49):
in my pants. Well, Jordan interrupts him and he goes, oh,
excuse me for a second, I've got one in my pants.
You may carry off. Yeah. By the way, Rob has
another very funny moment that's coming up where we do
a risky business fantasy, which is right after that. Yes, yea,
so alone, this is a great meme. I posted it

(30:12):
a couple of times. Yeah, it's so fun alone for
the weekend. I wonder what he'll do. Dan Dan Dan
Dan Dan Dan. That was so fun to shoot. We
laughed so many times. We did it so many times.
There were so many different versions of it. I did
not invite the todd d D big underwear. Are you

(30:34):
guys wearing some big underwear? By the way, I realized
for the first time that he's wearing camouflage of camouflage
banana hamm God. When he lands too it always you
can't say it's stuffed because it bounces. If it was stuffed,
it would just be solid. Gets it gets it, gets

(30:57):
its own wave going. Yeah, it gets a little. Yeah,
it jiggles, it jiggles. It's definitely jiggle. Listen, good for Rob,
for you Rob, that was that's very funny. Oh so
Carla Turkey, No but no. But then there's there's one
more joke in it where where Jady goes, you know,
sometimes you just gotta say what the fudge? Yeah, and

(31:20):
Elliot goes, that's not how it that's not how it goes.
And he's like, I saw it on a plane. Oh
that maybe. Laugh. For those of you that don't know,
a classic quote from the movie Risky Business starring over
young Tom Cruise is sometimes you just gotta and brought pincho. Yeah,
and the guy who played I wonder if that movie
holds up? Yeah, that movie. Come on, man, Tom Cruise

(31:40):
don't make movies that don't hold up. Man, Yeah he does.
Cocktail cocktail holds up. You watch it like that shit?
Right now? You still like that shit. You're saying, there's
no Tom Cruise movie that doesn't hold up. Commander Tom
Cruise makes hit movies that a lot of hit. Listen, man,
well shit holds up? Come on, that shit holds up.

(32:01):
Coming now you're getting into my boy. Cameron Crowe you
can't dis I'm telling you right now. Tom Cruise doesn't
make movies that don't hold even the controversial ones, they
all hold up. You can't sit here and say they
don't think about it. Except for Top Gun. All right, well,
I don't have the I am to be in front
of me. I'm sure I can. Except for Top Gun.

(32:21):
Top Guns one of those movies that you gotta be
into that type of shit. Top Gun two, however, is
gonna go on forever and ever and ever. Yeah, he's
I got a formula. Hold up, I got a formula
for everybody, and it works every time. The Death Star
trench run. Just do that for every movie. I guarantee you.
I'm the one that told you the Top Gun. I

(32:42):
knew that ship before you. I said that shit. When
I saw the fucking trailer, I said, oh it's fucking
Star Wars. Are we spoken about this too well on
the podcast we did? Yeah? All right, sorry, audience, but
if you didn't have him to hear that episode, the
plot of Top Gun Maverick is the exact plot of
Star Wars. We gotta do this trench on and blow
up a little small target four six. I thought that's

(33:04):
just it's not just Star Wars or they all do that.
They do it in episode six they blow up the
Star but this time they got to go inside the motherfucker. No,
I mean the toun and the clock gun is we
have to train. We've got the plans. We have to
train to do something impossible. That is, dive into a

(33:26):
tiny trench, hit a tiny target, and then escape without
being shot down. That's the entire plot of the movie.
It's the exact plot of Star Wars. Well it's the
last it's the last thirty minutes of Okay, but you
know what, I'm sure we're not the first people. We've
got Well all your message boards have people discussed this.

(33:48):
We're not the first people to point this out right. Okay, Okay, good.
So what you're saying is, um, take it very very well.
We were advising you young screenwriters, is take a very
very famous movie and then just changed like ten elements.
So you gotta do it'll make billions every time suppets

(34:11):
and it takes place on a planet, and there's sweet
do you want to hear that one? I could do
that one. There's this movie with Kevin Costner where he
goes and hangs out with Native Americans and they call
him Dances with Wolves. Yeah. Then they made this new
movie where Sigourney Weaver and a bunch of other kids

(34:31):
go and travel to this planet called Pandora with this
young man hangs out with the natives of that planet.
They call that movie Avatar. Yeah. I'm just saying, both
movies huge hits. Both movies. Yeah, the bigger did did?
Has Has Cameron changed the font of Avatar or he

(34:52):
got a lot of shit for using um, what's it
called Papyrus? Has there been any change? Has he updated
off of Papyrus? Are you sure? Are you looking as
he's sticking with the virus. I'm ninety ten percent sure,
but I'll double check if Avatar Way of Water isn't
any different. But I don't think it is. I'm really impressed.
But he's holding on the papyrus. Yeah, what do you know?

(35:12):
I have a feeling that there's gonna be something expensive
or popular with the water. Oh. I think he'll make
it a zillion dollars. Yeah, because there's gonna be something
in the water. He doesn't have bombs that all these
motherfuckers is gonna come and one to get has Jamie
Cameron had a bomb. No, he doesn't know how to fail.
That guy. He makes hit movies, Dude, he makes fucking

(35:35):
hit movie. He makes he turns, he turns, he turns.
He turns mediocre movies into hitting movie Like Alien. Alien
was a good movie. That shit was scary as fun
to say? What do I say about Alien? Hold on?
Alien was a dope movie? But what is better Alien
or Aliens? Alien? You think the first movie is better
than the second movie? Can one of you google if

(35:58):
I'm right that James Cameron was a truck driver, Like,
if you want the ultimate so boring, the ultimate inspirational art,
stop for a second. I'm trying to make a point.
If you want an inspirational tail, this gentleman started as
a truck driver, correct, and now he is a zillionaire,
a successful filmmaker who cannot fucking make a movie that

(36:19):
doesn't print money. So there's your there's your there's your
white board success story of the day. I'm just saying
I think Aliens is better than Alien. All of y'all
who agree with Joel, you're on crack two and so
I think it's safe to say that people can alien
feelings about movies. Knight Donald. That's what I'm talking about.

(36:44):
All right, Let's get back to the show Scrubs, the
TV show that was filmed in the aughts. That's what
you call it, right, the Aughts? Did you know it's
called the Aughts style. I just call it the thousands
the two. I think he need to switch. I think
he need to call it the Aughts. I think that
sounds a little bougie. I don't think saying Aughts is bougie. Okay, okay,

(37:13):
let's get into Shirley. Guys, we told you know the story. Well,
we've spoken about it. For Bill, Lawrence felt bad that
he killed off Laverne, and uh, and he has he
had so much empathy because she was making a nice
living and rolled up in an escalade and he was like,
oh no, she rolled up an escalade the week that

(37:35):
he decided to kill Yeah. And I remember seeing her before,
and I knew before anybody knew, because he told me.
And I saw Alma pull up, like meet me in
a new escalade, and I was like, oh no, she
doesn't know. LaVerne's about to meet her fate. And then uh.
And then I think Bill felt bad because he has
a big heart and he was like, if we come back,

(37:57):
I don't think we're coming back, but if we come back,
I'll just I'll just revive or make her twin sister, surely,
And that's what he did. And and she's got a
nice little haircut. She has a different hair chreage. I
remember she tried to audition a Southern accident and Bill
was like, yeah, don't do that, just just be the
same first Hi, everybody, No, she did. She came in

(38:18):
you know, you know that almost the whole weekend, like
figuring out a whole new character, like hey, y'all. And
Bill was like, yeah, don't do that. But JD's trying
out a new nickname called Laverne again, and she hates it.
She's definitely not in it. I like how you say

(38:38):
deep dish pizza, deep dish pizza with onions and SASA.
Why did you say it like that? I was trying
to make it funny. I guess, well, it was funny,
but that's where it comes from, trying to make it funny.

(39:01):
So JD is not up yes, singing the who who
are you? Who are you who? I couldn't have been cheap.
I'm glad Bill paid the money for us to have
the honor of hearing Ted's bands singing the who who
Are You? When it becomes a theme as we learn

(39:21):
come because it circles back at the end of the episode.
Because the episode is an identity crisis. Who are you?
You know, everyone's battling their own um change of identity.
Carla in particular is just worried about her identity and
that her identity is as Latina woman is getting lost
um in her relationship when in her relationship? But how

(39:44):
sweet is it at the end I'm sorry to jump,
but how sweet is it when they reveal the Turk's
learning Spanish at night? That is just yeah, that made
me clutch my pearls. Yeah, I love I love that
about Turk and I was gonna I wrote this down.
Our all always love Turk and Carler. I think their
relationship is like, it's top notch man. That shit is like,

(40:08):
if you want to talk about the perfect relationship, I
feel like that's it because it doesn't take itself too
serious and that's a great thing. You guys are a
couple of goals. Okay, So JD is not invited to
help the couple's fight. What's that? Okay? So Turk and
Carler are having an argument and not having the argument.

(40:30):
They're having a conversation about something and an argument about something,
and JD wants in, but they don't go to him
for it, and he clears his throat and Carla is like, JD,
get some water. Yeah, they're fighting over the fact that
Turk doesn't know anything about his history, right, right, his
history right, that's what it is, which is which I
find very odd. Most black people know something, you know

(40:53):
what I mean, that's that's real deal, holy Field man.
Like you know, like I know mine ancestors came from Nigeria.
I know that ship. You know how I know that shit.
My mom did the freaking work and went to the
I used to have to go with my mom to
the freaking libraries all the time, and she would get
on those little uh the wheels and the micro fief

(41:16):
looked through old newspaper articles and everything to find our
history and everything like that. So I knew a lot
about that stuff. So it was odd that Turk didn't
to me because I felt like giving an example of
a mom who put a lot of work into it,
there must be a lot of it. I feel like
that was a lot of young African American moms in
the eighties and in the in the seventies and then

(41:38):
and in the eighties. I feel like that was a
lot of them, so and I feel like Turkey is
a product of that. Anyway, my point is, I know
I come from I know my answers to come from
West Africa. And then they settled in North Carolina because
that's where a phase On, North Carolina is, and I
got white relatives and black relatives in phase On. That's
where the freaking freaking plantation was. That's where a plantation

(42:01):
was fase On North Carolina. Um, I didn't know that.
I didn't know that it was phaise On, North Carolina,
all right, So I don't know. Um, I can't guess
beard uh face, I guess beard mouth. And then everyone
turns around and together says it's beard fusse damn it. Um. So.

(42:26):
A very funny thing is that Elliott and Jordan, we
learn are both nervous pooers. Okay, and Elliot says that
she could turn her onto her soundproofer, which means she
has a professional soundproofer that's so good that even if
someone has their ear to the door, you can't hear.
They can't hear it. When you fuffy. Just saying fuffy

(42:50):
makes it sound even more fuffy. Fuffy, that makes it
sound more gross. I gotta go fuffy. But wait, fiffy
is fart? I think not poop. Hey, hold one second, guys,
come say hi, play the song. Play the song, danel Casey,
come down here. Don't tell me what to do. And

(43:15):
that's what. Oh? Oh you don't look that sick. You
still look beauty. I just threw up. Did y'all hear?
Oh that was your pugin? Oh yeah, we heard. So sorry.
I'd like give you to have out here. I've had
to lay in bed and listen to this fucking podcast
for the past hour, but I can only hear Donald's side. Zach,

(43:37):
I love you. Tell her to want listen. You gotta
get you gotta get better in time for the gallow.
I know I gotta look good. Yeah, you got a
couple of days till the gallo. I haven't eaten since Monday. Well,
you'll look great in that dress. I know. Are my
arms are gonna look rich? I'm so sorry. Donald. Donald's

(43:57):
gonna get you some chicken matster ball soup. But he
needs to go. Okay, I love you, Zacha, love you, Zacha,
love you. Oh I like that the dog. It's just
with her. I thought she was coughing. He's got his
Donal Donald's got his hoodie over his nose. So how
you how do you think that's gonna help you from
not catching if you're sleeping in the same bed with her.

(44:18):
I don't sleep in the same bed with Are you crazy? Okay? Good,
We ain't slept in the same best since we had kids.
Don't you like to get your cuddle on. No, my
wife don't like to cut him. Oh I like to
cut Let don't get a twisted I like. That's why
I get kicked out of the bed because I'm consistently
trying to cuddle with her. I get the fuck out,
get out, get out, get out, and get out, get out,

(44:39):
get out. No, no, that's funny. If I touch her,
if my if my freaking if if the tip of
my toe touches her, no, no, get get off me.
No no, bro. What you need to tell her is
everybody likes a little ass flighty. Don't even act like
you don't. Yeah, it's true. I uber facts said it.
If you take a bigger enough dump. It's the feeling

(45:01):
of an orgasm, and that's why sometimes I've never had
an orgasm. Poops sometimes feel good. Joel's covering her face
audience with a time, whether it'd be taking a poop,
whether it be a finger, whether it be a tongue,
whether you know everybody likes low ass plight. All right,

(45:23):
it's true. Back to the show. Okay, Ted carries around
blank folders. We learned this because Cox hits them down
and they all over the place, and he says that
he does it to just be left alone. He carries
around a stack of blank folders, so he looks like
he's working. Yes, And I say to the general, hello,

(45:43):
dark and whatever, and he says handsome and I go no.
Um okay, So the JD is learning the names of everybody,
and um Cox, because he's so bored with not being around,
his wife decides to help. J D gives him the method.

(46:07):
Uh it does it come from the neumonic device? Thing
come from Cox? Or does j D come up with that?
Do you remembers the one that's Cox is the one
that explains how he remembers you're right, you're right, you're right,
And he does it with Ted Mum and so okay,
that's how JD learns. So he so Cox is so

(46:28):
fucking lonesome and board he's willing to help and j D,
and j D tries that arm yawn talking technique where
he puts his arm around him. Yeah, well he's he's
he's in a moment because Cox is trying to deny
to Elliott that he misses his wife and uh, and
so in doing so, he's saying, I'm just helping out

(46:48):
my buddy here, and and in doing so, he's now
said something that JD's always wanted to hear, helping out
a friend and a colleague, and now Jad's going to
take advantage of it and start doing things he's always
drimmed up like most people would do winn in situation
where Yeah, by the way, the hardest I laughed of
the whole episode is I go, I'm sorry. I go,

(47:09):
I go, you have close friends to help you through this,
and Elliot goes, j D stop it, and I go, no,
you stop it. And then I turned to Peri and
I go, I'm sorry you had to see me like that.
It's very funny. I did laugh at that too. Um.
And then we get another, so Jad does it. He
learns everybody's name except for one person, the jan e tour.

(47:35):
But we learned that Ronald this snoop Dog's name, which
we learned that, and we learned that m Coleman Slowski
is doctor doctor's name, and uh. And then we also
see that JD has lost the bet and he has
to act like the janitor or work as a janitor,
and he's in very long pants because those are the
only size the janitor has, and he's like, this ammonium

(47:58):
makes me just so mad and hate everyone. And someone
walks by. He's like, get out of here, and he's
like in the janitors like there you go. Good. It
felt good? Yeah, And I'm like that felt good. Yeah,
it's the ammonia we learned. Basically, we learned that the
ammonia is the source of the janitor's spite for everybody. Yes,
he hates, he hates. And then it very cleverly ends

(48:21):
with Carla having the exact same dream in Spanish. Um,
by the way, my Spanish was just it was pretty good.
You guys rambled through it really fast, but I'm sure
I practiced a lot. Sounded authentic almost. I did that
way because I speak French a bit in in in
this last movie, and I did that. You know, you

(48:41):
just just go over and over and over and over
and over, and then all of a sudden you kind
of have it believable, believable sounding. The one thing I
can remember is chief Faccio, Chief Faccio. I think that's
Italian quest. One of mine was passimi FLUI will play.
That's uh, please pass me the califast the ball, ball,

(49:04):
please pass the ball, please please. That's what you said, right.
If you'll listen, I'll tell you say again, shoe floor
is a cauliflower. Let's say what you just said, play
past play right, That's what it said said, right you guys.

(49:25):
All right, we're gonna go to a break. Joel, do
you have two new audio clips for us this week?
Oh Daniel, you're gonna love our new segment. I know
you heard it when you edited the episode. It was great. Um.
So we will be right back everybody, and um and
you're gonna hear two new uh sound clips from our fans.
Fuck your sound effects machine and we're back. All right,

(49:52):
go ahead, Joel. So the first one audience, if you remember,
is going to be a pitch for what we do,
uh when we run out of episodes, because we are
on seven oh three and we are running out fast,
and audience members and you're welcome to participate, are suggesting
ideas for what the show should be. Hey, y'all so

(50:13):
happy the show's back. My name is Peter. I'm a fan.
I know I probably missed the deadline for this episode,
but I have an idea for what you should do
for the podcast. I think you should ping pong back
and forth between each of your filmography and do rewatch
episodes of your own films and TV shows, whether you
directed it or acted in it. After all, it is

(50:34):
a rewatch podcast, and it'd be really cool if you
did like can't Hardly Wait and maybe had breckin on
that episode, or Zach. You could do wish I was
here and have like, oh my god, justin Vernon or
something would be crazy, but just different people from the production.
And I know that sometimes that means like a two
and a half hour movie, which is a lot for
you guys to rewatch in a week, but whatever, take
three weeks to do to do a movie like that,

(50:55):
and try to have multiple guests. A good idea that's
my submission. We could get dense of y'all. Hi, Joel
hidj Daniel, Well, what a nice sounding man. What's his name?
That's Peter Shrup Peter, Thank you, great idea. The whole time,
all I can think of was Donald getting Denzel to
come on the podcast. That's all I could focus on. Donald,

(51:18):
You obviously have been in way more movies than I.
But uh, but between the ones I've directed and those
I've acted in, I think we could at least come
up with some good ones. What do you think about that, Donald, Well,
here's the thing. Everybody's gonna want to hear about Garden State.
That's the problem. So it'll be like, look, I think

(51:38):
they've they've already done like every movie that I've been
in in the past. It's been a while. Actually, they've
already done the reunion shit, right, everybody's gonna want the
every movie you've done. I mean, you could do like
I mean, I like his idea about getting one person. Obviously,
I mean, I know Denzel's a long shot, but you
could get someone that you're still close with in the

(51:59):
movie and and and obviously I could do that for
my stuff. That'd be a lot of fun. Actual I
think it would be fun. I think it's a very
good idea. I mean, and it would be probably be
you'd probably be like a longer episode. Be hard to
do it in an hour. It might be like an
hour and a half episode, right, But and we'd go
for more than I think it would be better if

(52:19):
we went for more than just one person. Like it'd
be really cool to have Natalie and Peter sarsguard. I
think it could be great. I mean, imagine the clueless one.
I know you've done them before in other places, but
not with our audience. I mean, I just think it
could be. It could be fun. It would be really
interesting to have Alicia on here and have a Yeah,
we gotta get Elicia on here, please, that'd be really cool.

(52:42):
I promise I won't solely ask her about all the
Aerosmith videos. I've already done that in person. Yes, that's
a great idea. Thank you so much, and put it
on the whiteboard, Joel as an option. Cry when I
met you, Oh my goodness, those are those videos. Those

(53:02):
videos videos got me at the right time in my
evolution as a young man. She came along at the
right time, and no but her and liv Tyler in
those videos, it was like whatever stage of puberty I
was in, um or or do you remember maybe I
don't know what how old that was, but whatever stayed
as a young man I was in, those were those

(53:24):
were hitting me at the right spot. Indeed said they
are there. Um, this is a television pitch from one
Jesse Herman. All right, Jesse, let's hear it. Hey, this
is Jesse and Philadelphia hanging out with my cat aria. UM.

(53:47):
And I was thinking about how there's going to be
so many good ideas that come in that would be
great to come up with an idea where you can
incorporate as many of the ones you love as possible.
So I'm seeing, um a mini series potentially, or or
a film where you, Zack and Donald are playing yourselves

(54:13):
trying to cast and direct the scrubs come back. UM.
So that a lot of the ideas that you're getting
through voice memos, we can be on set seeing you
watch other actors act these out. But then it also
follows the two of you almost like a curb your

(54:35):
Enthusiasm style offset falling around your lives. That's fun, kind
of like bring back that scrubs flavor get a little
metal with it, and I'm hoping also get a little
weird with it. That's very clever. That's very clever. What
do you mean by get a little weird with it

(54:57):
at the end the finale, dude, that's totally what I heard.
All I heard in the end it gets weird in
you guys part. I think that's a great pair the
grand finale. Listen, you gotta get ratings. It all builds
up to a finale where we fart so by the way,

(55:22):
by the way, yeah softcore, just carressing, just caressing. It's
all no, it's not like it looks like when doing it,
but you just can't see it. Yeah, gay skin a
Max Yeah all right, listen. Um in all seriousness, when
he was thank you for the idea that that's that's funny.
What I was thinking, what off of your idea to
pitch alongside you is that you could do like a

(55:45):
Black Mirror or anthology kind of series where it's like
it's you and me in every episode, but they're all different.
Maybe there's a unifying theme. Um. Um, Like Black Mirror's
theme was you know, sort of trippy futuristic twilight Zone. Um.
But our our anthology series could have a theme. It's
an anthology, so it's always you and me on some adventure,

(56:05):
but it could be totally different each episode. That's fine,
that would be amazing. That's my that's the tagging bank
idea I was having where they're Star Wars, right, But
I'm saying, like, like, all right, one in one episode.
If you think at Black Mirror just an example, it's like,
all right, one episode, it's it's they're in they're in
a spaceship in the in, you know, and and they
don't realize they're It's all there Isn't Black Mirror all

(56:27):
different realities or is it? Yeah, it's all. The thing
they have in common is they're all set in the
near future, and they all um are our Twilight Zony
and that they have something really trippy happening, and there's
often a big reveal of some kind. Um. That's right,
Am I explaining that? Right? Guys? Ye? Yeah, So I'm
saying we could have a theme that's overarching, but but

(56:49):
with no rules. I mean it's like it's like like
like and then and then the Twilight Zone is a
better example. They were all over the places, but they
but they hadn't. But they had in common was that
they were like trippy and they had a twist. But
but we could we could have our our our rules
for the anthology could be anything, but the only rule
is that you and me are in everyone. That that's
kind of I like that. I like that too. I

(57:10):
love that you guys have a lot of competition where
you guys are like either parents or sort of like
the when we got last week where you're teachers, but
you're competitive with one another. There's like nine pitches where
you guys are adversaries. You know, I really, I really
think that that that is a good way to go
where I mean, because everybody's seen us as friends, what

(57:30):
is it like? What is our what is our timing like?
When we're apart though, but in the same you know
what I mean, it still has our same tone and
it still has our same jokes, but we're not bouncing
off of each other anymore. Does that make it less
or does that make it more? You know what I mean?
Like it does? And then does when the scene come
that we're now finally together face to face, does that

(57:53):
enhance it more? You know what I mean? What I'm want,
what I like about the anthology idea is like it
could be a totally different reality each episode. Like one episode,
you know, we're where we're captains of rival spacecraft in
in some starfleet and we're and we're competing and we
hate each other. I know, that's why I said that
for you. The next episode where like you know, Dad's

(58:16):
uh co soccer coaches of a kid's team. You know,
like every it could be anything. It's just the only
thing that's in common is there is some overarching tone
and and you and me are in it. I mean
that's kind of clever. Right, It's like a sketch show,
but but not in that each episode is its own
independent thing. That's kind of cool. Joel. Right, yeah, I
like it. I like that a lot too. Put an

(58:38):
asterisk next to that on the whiteboard, Joel. Well, all right, guys,
we love you. This is so fun. I'm gonna go
audition for a party. Really want I'm gonna I'm gonna
have the I have the check on the box on
the whiteboard is open waiting to be checked. Go get it. Um.
I love you, guys. Donald, I'll see you when it tucks.
Please please nurse your wife back to health. So that

(59:01):
we can have her at the gallaph for baby the baby.
I'm stopping the weed today so that I look fresh
faced and ready to go for you on Saturday, baby,
And go get that good for you, baby, Go get
that perfect wife of yours some soup. She is going
to be their regard, even if I have to carry
her like ck. And you know what you should try
to do. What's that movie? What's that movie? What's that

(59:22):
movie where they carry? No, that's funnier. He means, he means,
he means carry you got a weekend to Bernie's casey,
even if she's puking, it'd be amazing. Um, by the way,
you know, you should get her and um they have

(59:44):
here in LA and they have in other cities as well.
But they have a nurse that will come over and
give you an ivy of fluids. She got the fluid
that I ain't gonna really do much for her. They'll
give it. It'll give her no, but they'll blast her
with vitamins. I've done that before. It's amazing. Okay, that's
a great you You just call and schedule appointment. They
come over with an ivy bag and and and blast

(01:00:05):
you with vitamins and fluids. Blast you blast yeah, um,
all right, we love you guys, and um that's it.
Five Six of nurses stories about show we made about
a bunch of doctor nurses and Canada. I said, he's
the stories natural should know. So Geado around here? Are

(01:00:32):
Gado around you here? I respect? Mm hmmm