July 17, 2024 • 54 mins
This week’s session highlights a conversation with Freddie after making his first attempts to contact his estranged son. Although his son was not interested in speaking with him Freddie shares what he learned from his efforts. He plans to continue trying and believes that being persistent will eventually lead to a stronger relationship. Elliott shares his perspective and emphasizes the importance of allowing someone to apologize and heal. He encourages Freddie's son to listen to his father's attempts at reconciliation and consider the possibility of healing and growth in their relationship.
Join Us Live for BIPOC Mental Health Awareness Month!
Celebrate BIPOC Mental Health Awareness Month with us! On Wednesday, July 17th, Elliott Connie will host a special live event on The Black Effect’s Instagram, featuring guided conversations on mental health within BIPOC communities.
To participate, send a DM to @BlackEffect to confirm your spot. Don’t miss this chance to experience therapy in a new way!
Learn More: ElliottConnie.com
Connect: @ElliottSpeaks Text: 972.426.2640
Pre-Order: Change Your Questions, Change Your Life
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi. I'm Elia Connie, host of The Family Therapy Podcast,
a Black Effect original series where each week, real families
with real lives, have real conversations. In celebration of BIPOC
Mental Health Awareness Month, we're inviting you to participate in
your own live session. Join me live on Black Effects
(00:22):
Instagram on Wednesday, July seventeenth. We're doing this event to
highlight the importance of mental health within BIPOC communities and
to provide a space where you can share your experiences
and receive guidance. Attendees can expect a safe and supportive
environment where we'll engage in open, honest conversations. Whether you're
(00:44):
facing personal challenges or seeking to strengthen family bonds, this
event is for you. Please note participation is on a
first come, first serve basis, so be sure to arrive
early and engage respectfully. If you're interested in joining a
guided conversation with me, send a direct message or DM
(01:06):
to The Black Effect and confirm your participation. I think
what people should expect from therapy is healing and change. However,
I think what people often go into therapy expecting is education. So,
for example, if I have a behavior in my life,
(01:30):
and let's just say addiction. We go to therapy because
I'd like to find out why I engage in this
addiction activity. But the truth is, knowing why something exists
does not do anything to help create healing or change.
A healing journey that leads towards change is very different
(01:54):
than simply trying to figure out why something happens. So
what should people expect when they go into therapy? Healing
from difficult things that have happened in our lives, past traumas, relationships, ending,
grief and loss issues or whatever, and the type of
healing that will lead towards change, but not just any change,
(02:14):
but the kinds of change that will help us to
create our desired life. Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm
your host, Elliot Khani, and as usual, I'm going to
(02:36):
start off by asking you a question that will help
shift your focus from the difficulties of life to the
pleasures of life, which is exactly the journey that I
like to take my clients on, including the family featured
in this podcast. So I'd like you to think about
what's been better since you listened to the previous episode. So,
(02:57):
what are some symptoms of depression? And how can we
combat them. The most common symptom of depression is when
things you previously have had an interest in no longer
sound interesting and you no longer engage in them. I think,
(03:17):
looking back on my childhood, the first sign that depression
was showing up. I was about ten years old and
I loved going to movies, absolutely loved it. And my father,
who lived away from the home. I lived in the
house with my mother and two brothers. My father, who
also looking back, I realized was the root of my depression,
(03:38):
was coming to get my brothers and I. Who's going
to take us to a movie? And I don't remember
the movie, but I remember it was a kind of
movie I would have wanted to see. And like I said,
I as a young kid, I loved watching movies, but
I didn't want to go, and I told my brothers
I don't feel like going. I told my father I
don't feel like going. He left me there alone in
the house, and I just laid on the can out
(04:00):
doing nothing in my state of depression. That is probably
the single most common symptom that shows up when you
are struggling with depression, When there is an activity that
you otherwise would have enjoyed, but now you don't want to.
So how do we combat that? I want to be
very very clear about this. Depression does not like activity,
(04:21):
So how do we combat that. There are two things
that are very effective towards combating the symptoms of depression.
Number one, don't not go to the activities that you
would have otherwise enjoyed because you don't feel like going,
go because you know you need it. Looking back, I
(04:43):
wish I had gone to that movie. I wish my
siblings or parents had made me go. Because depression does
not like activity. So even though you might be sitting
at the house and a friend will call and say, hey,
we're all going to meet it Applebee's. You want to
come join us, and you might be thinking, I don't
even feel like going, but you need to go because
(05:04):
that actually begins to subside the symptoms of depression, because
depression does not like activity. The other thing that we
should do to combat depression is exercise. Exercise releases natural
endorphins in your body, in particular cardiovascular exercise. There's a
lot of research that says if you can do twenty
(05:25):
minutes of cardiovascular exercise three times a week, it will
significantly reduce your experience of anxiety and depression, because anxiety
and depression don't like activity, they don't like movement, and
your body really likes movement and really really likes activity.
So when you get out and you run again, in
(05:47):
particular cardiovascular exercise, and you start moving around, your body
releases dopamine, nor epinephrin, serotonin, all of those real good
chemicals in your body, all of those feel good chemicals
in your body. Your body starts to release them and
you start to feel good. And this is a really
important thing because obviously, if you're depressed because of some
(06:07):
sort of circumstance that's going on in your life, just
because you went on a twenty minute run, it doesn't
make that circumstance go away, but it makes you more
resilient to deal with it because you're dealing with it
without the symptoms of depression being present. So those two
things I want everybody to hear. When you're feeling symptoms
of depression, it's usually going to take away your desire
to do things you would otherwise have enjoyed doing. Make
(06:30):
sure you stay engaged in those things. Make sure you
stay engaged with the people that you like and introduce
exercise into your routine. I think very often we hold
exercise only for like weight loss journeys, or only for
my doctor said I've got a heart issue, so I've
got to walk ten thousand steps a day or whatever.
(06:51):
But exercise is actually one of the greatest weapons to
address mental health issues. It's one of the best things
you can do for your brain and for you your
mental health. And you should introduce exercise into your lifestyle
simply for the mental health benefits. Taking a responsibility for
your mistakes shows maturity and a willingness to change. This
(07:13):
accountability brings Freddy one step closer to the life he wants,
but he lacks the discipline to stay persistent. This week's
session highlights a conversation with Freddie after making his first
attempts to contact his estranged son. Although his son was
not interested in speaking with him, Freddie shares what he
learned from his efforts. Freddie, what's been better since we
(07:38):
last met?
Speaker 2 (07:40):
I think basically the same and made it change it though, And.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
All right, so the last time we talked, we talked
about calling your your kids and specifically and particularly your son,
and how important it was to do that regardless of
the kind of response you might get from him.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
Actually, I did call him and he said that. He said,
he said, who is this?
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Uh well no, wait, wait, wait wait, can I stop
you real quick?
Speaker 2 (08:18):
Sure?
Speaker 1 (08:19):
Okay, this is really big. What day did you call him? Oh?
Speaker 2 (08:23):
I called him it right after the session. Yeah, because
I was already hyped up. So I called him right
after the session.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Okay, when did you realize that you were hyped up
enough to call him? So we had that conversation, and
when did it hit you like, all right, I'm ready.
I've been nervous to do this. I've been scared to
do this, I've been after himptive to do this. But
I'm hyped up enough to do this. When did you
realize that?
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Well? I came to the conclusion that whatever his response
would be, I should be mad enough to him, you
know what I mean. And I think I built myself
up to three or four different scenarios. You know, Tom
was Tom was good, and uh three of them was bad.
(09:10):
So I was I was kind of like, Okay, whatever
whatever happens happens, I just have to make the best
of it. Or or if he has a real negative response,
you know, I said, I call you better when you uh,
when when you're feeling better, you get a better chance.
So actually we didn't even talk like he said he said, uh,
(09:31):
he acts like he didn't know what number.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
It was?
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Said, he said, who is this? I said this pop?
He's all right, I gotta go, and he said he
hung up. So I was I was like, okay, that's
that's a that's a good response. He wasn't uh disrespectful,
he was you know, it wasn't you know they want
to talk at that time or you know what I mean.
(09:54):
He it is like just brush it up. I said, Okay,
I said, okay, but I call you so I probably
do that sometime this weekend.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Okay, what was it like for you? Like when you
were calling him and the phone was ringing? What was
that like for you?
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Oh? And the anticipation was like, uh, I had a
little sweat in my nose. That's that was about it.
My forehead was a sweat. This is a little sweat
of my nose.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
And I heard What was it like when you heard
his voice?
Speaker 2 (10:28):
I got and I got a nice little chill, I
got a warm feel and I was like, okay, okay,
So then I see he goes like, he said, who's this?
I said, this is Pop? Like like heah, you know,
don't know my number? You know what I mean? Like
they down in this Uh well, you know I called
him a couple of times. Ray. I don't know if
he logged it into his phone or not, but he said,
(10:49):
I said this was Pop. He said He's like, Okay,
I gotta go somewhere. I said, I talked to you
later and he said bye.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
That was it, okay, So there was no he didn't
cuss you out. He did and yell at you and
didn't call you names. He simply said, who is this this?
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Pop?
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Okay, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later. That
that's what happened exactly where okay? And what difference does
it make to you to know it didn't go super badly?
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Uh? A tremendous Uh. It was like I said, I said, Well,
I was relieved because he didn't, you know, like I said, hey,
go off the off the chain. So that was a
good thing. Uh. I was tad annoyed that he didn't
want to talk. So that's understand that. You know, you know,
the grabs the other conversation could have gotten you know, crazy,
(11:40):
maybe he needed more time to so I figured maybe
next time I call me, might you know, might sit
down and have a conversation with you.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
M hm. And what difference does it make for you
to know that, like I've gotten over that hump, I've
I've gotten over there?
Speaker 2 (12:00):
It was? It was It was a tremendous relief, I
tell you, because uh, you know, you always expect the
worst and pray for the for the best, you know
what I mean. Uh, it was it was a relief,
you know what I mean that he you know crazy
know you know, sorry personal, So I think that was
(12:23):
you know, it was a tremendous least on me, you
know what I mean. I was like, you know, it
came up to tie, you know what I mean. So
I was like, okay, you know it's it's a breakup point,
I think, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
Yeah, gotcha, gotcha? And you know him, what difference do
you think it makes to him that you called him?
What is it I say to him that you called him?
Speaker 2 (12:55):
Well, I believe that, you know, I I believe deep
down the side, you know, he missed me, you know
what I mean, because like, uh we was like road dogs,
you know, what I mean, Uh, I think that you know,
this will have you know, and I heard that he
had a situation with his son and he wasn't communicating
(13:17):
with his son on the steady basis. Now they communicate
communicating it now, So I think that kind of like
you know, broke the ice a little bit more too,
you know what I'm saying, because like he was, he
was extremely upset with his son, so like, uh I
think it kind of like mailed him down a little bit,
you know what I mean, Like if he you know,
(13:39):
he forgave his son, so you know, he used to
forgive me too, you know what I mean. You know,
I don't think the gravity of well, you know, I
can't really compare the gravity of both situations because they different,
you know, but they still like in a forgiveness state,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
So, Freddie, I am trying to think how to say this,
Like my job is about progress and change and I'm
so amazing, Like I don't know where this is going.
(14:19):
I can't tell you what the end result will be,
but I'm so happy and like proud of you and
like it's such a good sign that you took this
first step because I don't know where the destination is,
but I know in order to get there, we got
to take this first step. I know, I know it
(14:41):
was hard. I know it made your nose sweat. But man,
this is such an important first step. How do you
know you can take the second step? What do you
how how do you know you can you can do
it again?
Speaker 2 (15:04):
Well, it seemed like you know, once you you you
take that first leap, you know what I mean, the
forward progress is already in motion. So you you you
gotta keep going forward, you know what I mean? Uh,
I believe that no matter what the outcome gonna be,
(15:24):
I'm gonna keep trying and trying and trying. So uh,
if if I it's not fairy about the first time,
then it might be fairboter the third time. It's not
the third time, that's gonna be the fourth time. You know,
I'm gonna break them down, you know what I mean.
Sooner or later, you know I'm gonna break them down. Man,
you know, because like you know, the world survived by family,
(15:46):
you know what I mean? You know, the existence of
life is family, you know what I mean. And you
don't got you know, you don't have Uh, you're not
in front with your family. It's a broken vessel, you
know what I mean, You're roping vessel. So, uh, why
that statement I'm saying, like, you know, I'm never gonna
(16:07):
give in. I'm never gonna give up. So no matter
how it comes, even if he's respect disrespectful, cursing, aby
or whatever, it's something, it's a conversation, you know what
I mean. I said, Okay, we had a conversation. You know,
we got to that point, you know what I mean.
So the next point, he ain't gonna keep cursing and
(16:28):
cursing and cursing sooner, Len say, well, dang, you know,
Pop Pop keep pushing and keep pushing, so he's gonna
give in, you know what I mean. You don't have
to give in. You know.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Do you think do you think he knows that he's
got a father that has like decided like, I'm just
not gonna give up. I'm gonna keep pushing. I'm not
gonna give in. Does he know he's got a father
that's willing to do that for him? Now, I'm not
I'm not sure he knows that.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Well. I think that the lack of uh between uh,
the situation when we have it was it was months,
you know what I mean. And I think I kind
of messed up by not trying earlier, you know, by
not letting, by letting so much time elapsed, you know
(17:18):
what I mean. So, and I think he was like,
well if he you know, if you don't care because
he ain't tried, you know what I mean. So I
think now that I tried, and I'm pushing an issue now, uh,
let's get him a different Uh. I look on the picture,
you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (17:35):
Where did this piece of you come from? Where you
were like, I'm not going to give up? Like when
did that set in that I'm going to be the
version of Freddy that's like I'm not giving up. I'm
going to keep pushing. Where did that come from?
Speaker 2 (17:49):
Well? I think it comes from me dealing with all
of my kids, you know what I mean. And I
think that if a shepherd is heard in his sheep
and one is one to get lost, he gonna leave
all the other sheep to go look for the lost sheep,
you know what I mean. In fact, you know that's
how I feel, you know what I mean. Uh, I
(18:11):
just feel like that's the important one because that one
is lost, you know, what I mean, So I put
more emphasis on on the lost sheep than I do
with the whole herd.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
But when did that set in? Freddie? Like, when did you?
When did that hit you that, like I'm ready to
focus on this lost sheep, I gotta get I gotta
get the whole herd together. When did that set in?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
I think because I was I was at Jake House
last weekend, and and I was playing with my grandkids,
and you know, and my grandson he looks so much,
he's a split spin image of you know what I
mean when the chicken was so because every time I
was playing with me, the only thing my mind was saying,
so much like this looks so much like this was little,
(18:57):
you know. And then I think that kind of like
a set a tone for me to relinquish any feelings
that I might have far as like not put forth
a stronger effort to renite renite being him together. You know, m.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
How do you think it's going to impractice his life
when he realizes my dad's trying, and he's trying in
a like I'm not going to give up. Way, I'm
going to keep going until this until I break this down. Way?
How do you think that's going to make a difference
into his life to realize his father is given it
that level of effort.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
Well, I believe that we're all as you know, as
as human beings, got to you know, have always looked
looked up to our father no matter what, you know
what I mean, and like, it wasn't too many disappointments
in my life, you know far as my father. But
I had one really serious disappointment. My father gave me
a nineteen sixty nine CATDLLEC when I was high school,
(19:57):
and it was all pimped out against the wh It
was the whole nine right. So it broke down like
after this four or five months, so I stayed at
the driveway. So I came home for school one day
and it was gone. I said, the pop with a car.
So I put it in a shop for you. I said,
I cool, thanks, like thanks thanks, So you know when
got it. A couple of months later, it broke down again.
(20:18):
It stayed in the driveway about two or three weeks.
So I came home again and it was gone. So
my first assumption that he put in a shot for me,
So I said, pop with a car? He said, he
said son. There's one thing to have a car, and
there's another thing to be able to afford one. And
he had sold a car on me, and that kind
of like deva you know at the time. But at
(20:42):
the time, like you know, I wasn't working, you know,
you know, anything like that. But I realized emphasis he
was trying to, you know, put on me, you know
what I mean. Uh, And then you know, he sold
a car, and like I guess, I don't know, maybe
three or four months later, he gave me another car. Hey,
he gave me, uh, he gave me a nineteen seventy
to brew uh, the Saber convertible with a four fifty
(21:06):
five him me in it. Oh it was white on white. Uh.
One thing about my pops, he would get a car
and do it inside and out, you know what I mean.
So everywhere I went with that car, somebody offered to
buy it from, you know. So I guess that kind
of like that's what I'm saying, Like to me, my
father was my hero because like you know, it was
(21:27):
the guy that I always looked up to, no matter what,
you know what I mean. And and I was and
I was like I was a bad kid man when
I go look at back at my you know how
I grew up. I was a bad kid, you know,
as far as like I was always fighting in school.
My parents always coming was coming to school to uh
get me cause I was always fighting. It was this
guy named mister he was a tune officer back to that.
(21:50):
Back then they had tune officers. And he was like
six four maybe three hundred pounds and black as I
don't know what, and and he's my parents should take
to mister bradfit right, And he suspeked me, you know
what I mean. And the first time he had he
had this big old paddle and he and he popped
me with it. And I ain't cry. He popped me.
(22:12):
Gain ain't crist so you ain't gonna cry. So he
popped me, little heart. I started crying, right.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Man, you know.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
And I think, like the things that you know, you
experience in life, you know, you you you gravitate to
him when you get older and you realize, wow, the
purpose of it was for your own good, you know
what I mean? And like because I was, I was,
I was bad, man, you know, looking back, I was,
I was. I was bad, you know, And no matter
(22:43):
how bad I was my parents still love me, you
know what I mean. And and I think once I
got through that few years of rebellion as far as
like being violent and all that kind of stuff, Uh,
that's when I kind of like, I think, that's when
I met their mother, you know what I mean. Uh,
(23:04):
And she kind of like mellowed me down a little bit,
you know what I mean, because like we're starting the family,
you know, and with you know, got our first apartment.
So that melowed me down a little bit. And I started,
you know, I started like i'ma be like I'm gonna
raise my kids like my father raised us, you know
what I mean, and try to you know, repeat I
(23:26):
have a brutiful childhood, Like I had a beautiful childhood.
So so you immolate your father, you know, all your life.
So I think, uh, that's what Tisen does, you know
what I mean? Because like sometimes I could be stubborn
this hell too, you know what I mean, And sometimes
he could be stubborn, and you know, and uh, now
it's responsive to things, you know. So I just think,
(23:49):
you know, I just got to keep uh chipping away
at him, you know what I mean. As long as
I keep chipping away at him sooner or later, I'm
gonna chip that piece off that's gonna open up his
heart for him, of course, you know I'm coming station.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
But how do you think that's going to make a
difference in his life when he realizes I got the
kind of dad. Because when you talk about your dad
and you refer to it as a beautiful childhood, and
you talked about you being a bad kid, but your
dad loved you anyway, Your dad was there anyway. What
(24:21):
difference do you think is gonna make to deliciage life
when he realizes that you love him that way that
you're that you have like the kind of I'm gonna
keep chipping away at it kind of love for him.
What difference do you think is gonna make for decision
when he when he realizes that, I think is.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
Gonna make a substantial difference because the fact that we
we had each other back, you know what I mean,
We was deaf each other on all you know, all situations,
you know what I mean, and uh, the good, the bad,
and the ugly, you know what I'm saying. You know,
he would call me, He would call me like five
o'clock in the morning, Pop, I need and I don't think. Uh,
(25:03):
I could be wrong. He might you know, found the friend.
Uh you know now that you know he could depend
on no matter what. What's the situation is? If he's
stuck on the highway two o'clock in the morning, you
know what I mean, it's my friend. You know. If
I call my friend, come get me. Oh, come fix
me up, you know, come help me out. You know,
I don't know if he found somebody like that, you know,
(25:24):
I hope he has. You know that that would be
a good thing. Uh, But I don't think that nobody
would lay any life on the line for him, like
the way I would.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
How would you like this conversation to make a difference
in your life? Like, is there anything we could talk
about today that would help you bring your herd back
together again? To use your words? Which I like that.
I like that a lot.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
Well. I think by me analyzing the situation, which you're
going through all the ins and out everything that I
could focus on on the buzz eye. You know what
I'm saying, because like you know, I had my own
thoughts about things, and you you you you're telling me
something I'm like, then that little light bulb will go off.
You know, I'm like, wow, okay, cool, you know that's
(26:21):
that's that's that's that's the tellisea. You know, that's brilliant,
you know. And then and I have factor that into
what I'm what I'm gonna present and in the for
right riting place. So I believe that this bi us,
you know, having a conversation about situations, and we're figuring
out what what you know, uh, what what plan we
(26:44):
could make too? Uh to attack to attack the problem? Uh.
That's making substantial impact on me.
Speaker 1 (26:53):
Okay, so what's the next step in the plan.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
Well, my next plan, My next step is to call
him up, you know what I mean. You know, you know,
I think I've been using different avenues you know, uh
far as you know, uh to see his his his
attitude or his his uh his his how he's been
(27:19):
thinking about me because I've been relating to a few people,
you know what I'm saying that he's around, you know
what I mean? And uh they've been giving me a
little uh bits and pieces of things, you know what
I mean. So uh, I want to say he's his
life is. It's like like I think his life is
(27:40):
it's going place as far as all all the things
that he's trying to accomplish, but there's still a missing link,
you know what I mean. And and I think that
missing link is between between me and him, our relationship.
And I do believe that when when all the links
are strongly can elected, the change is a whole lot stronger,
(28:02):
you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
I completely agree with you, man, completely agree with you.
So how are you gonna know when you're hyped up
enough to call him a second time?
Speaker 2 (28:15):
I was gonna was I was gonna do that today.
I was gonna do that today. I was gonna I
should have done it yesterday. But when I got up
work yesterday, it seemed like, uh, every problem that could
go wrong went wrong yesterday at work, So I was like,
I didn't really have a still moment. I was on
(28:37):
the move constantly, so I was so when I got home,
I was like totally, you know, washed out. So I
was like, like, I ony took a shower and took
a nap, so I was done. And today wasn't as
bad as it was yesterday. But it was a little
rough today too. But I think only because of that
(28:58):
because we had a few, uh a few Like that's crazy,
because like the lady uh called called the officers. She
smelled gas, and she been calling for like almost a
week or so. So she said, uh, every time she
opened the door, she can smell the gas. You know,
she opened her front door, she can smell it. So
(29:19):
by the time uh maiden has come there, the smell
of been the you know, you know, eparticipated I went
away or whatever, you know what I mean. So I
told her, lady, I said, listen, I said, when you
first come home, called me, so that way, when I'll
(29:39):
be right there when you open the door. And she
opened that door. I was like, whoa, I smelled it
because I went there a couple of times. I was like,
I don't really smell not, you know what I mean.
And like they got the meter, the gas meter, and
I went around the stove, you know what I mean.
And it ain't beat crazy or nothing like that. So
so when I told her, when you first come home,
(30:02):
don't do anything before you open the door, call me
and I come right there. So like when she did
that yesterday, boom, I smelted up with the met her
and it was beeping like crazy. Right, So I went
by the I went by the stove and it wasn't
beeping as much. So I go back back by the door,
and the beet a little beat, a couple more beeps,
(30:23):
so I'm like, what's going on? So I went next
door and it wasn't beeping. So I'm like something, something
is crazy. So I said, right, we gotta figure this out.
So I called, you know, the gas company. So that
the leak was under the ground, So it was under
the ground by the gas meter. The pipe that was
(30:43):
rusted out. So they had to cut the shut the
whole complexed out. The whole complex, like I think it
was ten, ten or twelve apartments, had to shut all
those apartments down, dig up the ground, and fix the pipe.
Speaker 1 (30:56):
You did that.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
So, no, the gas company did that. I ain't. I
ain't doing all that. No, I just called him. When
they came, they got the little meata detectives, but they
got the one you dig the hole in the ground
and then you stick it in the ground. So I
don't got that one. So so I shut I shut
the apartments off though, I shut all the line the
(31:19):
gas off to all apartments, to twelve apartments, and they
came and went to little back hole and dug ground up. Yeah,
they read tagged that the red tagged us. But they
got it fixed.
Speaker 1 (31:32):
Though, gotcha. So that was a busy day yesterday.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Yeah, so now I gotta go back in all the
twelve units. We light all the power lights from the
stove to the heater to the hot water, you know
what I mean. So I was like, oh man, it's crazy.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
And so do you have time to call your son today?
Speaker 2 (31:56):
Yeah, I'm gonna call him, deck out to call him day. So, like,
you know, I'm looking forward to just hand him say hello,
you know what I mean. Whatever what happens after that then,
you know, is I you know what I mean? As
I hear his voice, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (32:10):
You know, you're starting to say some things that to
me are like real big signs, like how different is
it for you to be like you know what, I'm
just looking forward to him saying hello. How different is
that for you to have that position?
Speaker 2 (32:27):
Well, like I really miss him, man, I miss I
missed the hell out of him, you know what I mean?
Like I said, like I didn't really I got friends,
Like I don't really got no no real best friends.
My real best friend he died, So I really develop
any real friendship where I can call somebody my best friend,
and I called my son. He was my best friend,
(32:49):
you know what I mean, because like we could, you know,
we talked about everything. We almost did, you know, virtually
everything together, you know what I mean. So, uh, I'm
telling them all times, you're not just my son, You're
my best friend, you know what I mean. And and
I think like as far as like most fathers and
(33:09):
sons relationships, I think we had we had a really
a real good relationship. You know, it might not have
been the idea one as far as like father and son.
Uh you know, like like my me and my father,
we ain't never go hang out in no bars, you
know what I mean. We ain't never go to the
night club. We ain't up going to strip clubs, you
(33:29):
know what I mean. Because my father was more religious
kind of a person, you know what I mean. He
ain't really does in that kind of thing itself, you
know what I mean. But we did go to like
amusement parks, you know what I mean, Uh, picnics and
stuff like that, to fears and carnivals and all kinds
of things like that of that nature. It was you know. No, No,
(33:53):
the generation times is changing, so you know, things that
develop more fast and more great. And I believe that
our relationship was it was it was a good relationship,
but it wasn't ideal, you know, father and son relationship
far as like. And I know a few farthers probably
(34:13):
hang out with they son and go to you know,
clubs and you know, you know, hang out like that.
Uh but uh, but but you know, we just we
just done so many things you know, together, like you know,
you know you would say, damn, they don't they only
act like father like to to you know, like two
(34:34):
brothers or something like that. You know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (34:40):
When was the I shouldn't even say like that? Since
since you guys have had this rupture, have you ever
had the opportunity to tell him how much you miss
him and tell him that he was your best friend?
Speaker 2 (34:55):
Nah? Nah, I never, I never had that opportunity. Yuah.
Speaker 1 (35:01):
What would it do for you to be able to
say that to him?
Speaker 2 (35:08):
I do a lot for me, you know what I mean? Uh,
just just the point that that that out to him,
you know, to convey that to him, you know, to
show him, Uh, you know the gravity of our relationship
that that that's been lacking, you know, what I mean
mean a great deal to me and probably mean a
great deal of him. I'm quite sure he already aware
(35:29):
of it, h M, because you know, the last time
you know, we talked, he said he don't really got
nobody that he could trust to do do you know,
do things for him like that? You know what I mean,
you go in this safe or go in this is
stash or whatever. You know, now nine times a team,
(35:53):
you really can't trust nobody to do things like that,
you know what I mean? If you got five thousand
dollar was in there, you know, you might have three
thousand dollars and you come back, you know what I mean?
You really some people you just can't trust to do
things like that, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (36:08):
Yes, yes, you might have zero dollars, not just three times. Yeah,
and what if he responds badly on the second call?
How are you gonna handle that?
Speaker 2 (36:28):
That's okay, that's okay, because like if it be does
you know what I mean? You know, that's I believe
that's minimizing what he's feeling, you know what I mean,
minimized like his release. If that's the release he have,
right then you know it's gonna minimize you know what
(36:49):
I'm saying. He had to get it off his chest.
You got to get it out the way, and once,
you know, sometimes you just got good things out the way,
you know what I mean, So you could so you
could start the process of healing, you know what I mean.
That's how I'm gonna look at it. You know what
I mean.
Speaker 1 (37:02):
How how unusual do you think he will experience it?
If he you know, he's got to get some stuff
off his chest and he says some harsh, mean things,
and he yells and curses, and at the end of that,
you say, all right, man, I'll call you next week.
How unusual would that be to him?
Speaker 2 (37:21):
That'd be like that. I took whatever he said, and
I took it in. You know, I'm filtering it out,
you know what I mean. And you know, I know
some of the things he probably say to me is
probably true, you know what I mean. And sometimes they
(37:42):
say the truth hurts, you know what I mean. And
probably through the things he might you know, people relinquished
on me. Can I I gotta accept it. I gotta
accept the fact that you know, I ain't the perfect,
perfect person in the world, and you know I may
I made mistakes and sometimes I gotta be accountable for
(38:05):
all my mistakes that I made.
Speaker 1 (38:08):
Mm hmm. And for him to hear you say that,
how different would that be for him?
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Well, a lot of people that can't accept their own
they own uh own only their own mishaps, you know
what I'm saying. They don't because like some people like
they don't never like say well, I'm sorry, you know
I did this. You know, can you forgive me? Some
(38:39):
people just can't accept that they did wrong? You know
what I mean?
Speaker 1 (38:44):
Yeah, I think that's absolutely true. But what what would
it do to him to hear you say that? Because
you know a lot of times when we attack people
and we even getting things off our chest, even if
we're just trying doing so, the other person gets defensive,
they don't want to talk about it, they get distant.
How different would it be for him to hear you say,
(39:04):
you know what, what you just said is true. I
accept responsibility for it. I just want to move forward
and I want my best friend back. How different would
that be for here for him to hear you say that?
Speaker 2 (39:14):
And that might be the idea thing he's been waiting
just to hear you know what I mean? Yea be
the only thing. You know, some people like uh, never
is apologetic, you know what I mean. Some people don't
admit to their own own fault, you know what I mean.
And you know, like, uh, I'm I'm I'm acceptible to
(39:38):
my thoughts. I got to my boss the other day.
I said, I'm the type of person like this is,
if you show me a more efficient, more simpler way
to fix something, I could change and fix it that way.
And he just looked at me like, oh okay, because
like most people are stuck in the way, stuck in
(39:58):
their own pattern. What I'm saying true, Uh, they want
to fix it this way and that's it. But if
somebody can show me a more efficient and more fast
away to do something in the way I'm doing it,
I'm accessible to change, you know what I mean. And
I think, uh, that might be the only thing that uh,
(40:21):
he needs to hear, you know what I mean. And
if that's all that, you know, that's what. If that's
what it takes, and I got I got suck it
up and eat it all. You know what I mean.
That you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (40:36):
And if it is the one thing he needed to hear,
how do you imagine he'd respond like, I don't know,
I don't know if that's the one thing he needed here,
But let's say it is. How do you imagine he'd
respond to you when he hears it.
Speaker 2 (40:55):
I guess it'll be the uh, the k look that
you know that sales the sales the relationship, you know
what I mean. Because sometimes sometimes people complicate things when
they don't really need to be that complicated, right, you
know what I mean. People blow things out of proportion
when you could just simplify the solution and and just
(41:21):
solve the problem, you know what I mean. Sometimes people
just just blow just blow things out of proportion all
the time, you know what I mean, Like, Wow, it
ain't all that serious, you know what I mean. And
sometimes uh, we could make situations more devastating in what
they really are, you know what I mean, by our
own by our own of own feelings, you know what
(41:43):
I mean, Like you know, you know, my god, you
know what I mean, Like it ain't that severe, you
know what I mean. And sometimes some problems be like
you might say, it ain't that serious, but it might
be devastating to them, you know what I mean. And
so you gotta find out that middle ground, you know,
and and and and and meet meet and meet there,
(42:06):
you know, and ask.
Speaker 1 (42:09):
Like, let's say we take a few steps further down road,
how do you hope you and your son participate in relationship?
Do you want to talk once a week? You want
to hang out again? Like what would be the ideal
way for this to go for you?
Speaker 2 (42:25):
Yeah? Yeah, I want. I wanted to. I want to,
you know, hang out with him again. You know, I
want to go to places with him. I wanted from
the start coming down here, you know what I mean,
come to my house, you know, uh on you know,
pick up his his son and uh and and and
come down here, you know. And uh, I was thinking about,
you know, for my birthday, I wanted to have like,
(42:49):
you know, a big family you know OUTI you know,
uh and and hopefully for the ones that you know,
financially uh stable to uh to make the trip, you know,
I could you know, I could you know, pitching you know,
and uh you know, you know, give him a few dollars,
you know what I mean. So uh, I'm really trying
to you know, just my you know, I'm looking for
(43:11):
the big sixty five, you know what I mean. And
I I got sixty five more left.
Speaker 1 (43:16):
You know, I don't know sixty five more left.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
So that way I believe that. Uh I really I
thought my fifty was gonna be was gonna believe it
or not? I turned twenty five. I don't think I
was gonna be twenty five, right, So uhh when that
when I turned twenty five, I ain't I swould to god,
I didn't think I was gonna live be twenty five
years old, right, you know what I mean? So when
(43:40):
I turned fifty, I thought that was a uh you know,
monumental accomplishment, you know, in my life, you know what
I mean. So now that I'm to that age where
you know I'm about to retire, you know what I mean? Uh,
I was gonna uh my, my my wife, she wanted
to have have that up north into some type of
uh you know, you know establishment, you know, like a
(44:04):
big restaurant. I can't afford that, you know what I mean?
So I figure if I have it here. Because we
had a couple of picnics, a couple of a sleep
Old Wizard was like like twenty people stayed in my house,
you know what I mean. They brought their sleeping bags,
they brought they whatever they had, you know what I mean,
their mattresses or whatever whatever, and everybody was spread out anywhere,
(44:28):
you know what I mean. So, uh, you know, I
don't you know, I don't you know, I don't mind that,
you know what I mean. So if you know, you know,
that's what it takes, and you know, I'm you know,
looking forward to it. And then the ones that don't
want to stay in there, you know, you know, finances
because they at hotel, go to Atlantic City or they
(44:50):
whatever they want to do, you know what I mean.
But uh, that's that's that's my plans.
Speaker 1 (44:56):
M I love that. I mean, I cannot stress enough
how big of a step it is and how how
much it says about you, Freddie, that you've made this
phone call, and I just want to ask you to
make another one.
Speaker 2 (45:18):
Plan I'm gonna do assume as I hang out with you,
I'm not even gonna eat dinner. I think I might
eat dinner for.
Speaker 1 (45:28):
Okay, I can live with that. Get some food and
then call this is and then I just want you
to pay attention to the impact just the attempts are
making on your life and his life. And my favorite
thing you said was I'm actually just excited and looking
forward to him saying hello. Everything after that is just,
(45:52):
you know whatever. But I'm just looking forward to him
saying hello. And your job now is to show him
he's got the kind of father that's going to keep
chipping away at this until we succeed. If I could
(46:15):
give a message to Freddie's son, I would tell him
a story I've said publicly before, I think, even on
this platform, that I do not have contact with my father.
And the reason I don't have contact with my father
is he was a very very abusive guy. And when
I was about twenty, I was I was just tired
(46:35):
of violence happening in my home. I needed a safe
space in my life, and my father came into my life,
came to visit where I was living at the time
in Texas, and a physical altercation ensued between me, him
and my really between my older brother and him, and
I got involved trying to break it up, and something
(46:56):
snapped in me like that was the last physical alter
case I could take, and I told my father later
on that night, I said, you can't be in my
life anymore unless you follow a few simple rules. No
yelling at me, no hitting me, no cursing at me,
and no calling me names. If you could do those things,
(47:18):
we can move forward from here. I can forgive everything
that's happened in the past. We can get through all
of that. I just need a life going forward that
doesn't have those four things because it was killing me.
It was injuring myself esteem and my ability to grow
and be a man. My father's exact response was fuck you,
and he hung up the phone. And that was the
moment where I realized, I'm gonna have to implement these boundaries.
(47:41):
I'm gonna have to force him to honor the boundaries
that I have because I wanted to live a healthy life.
Now I'm very proud of the fact that exactly what
I needed to have happened happened. I got to live
a life without those four things.
Speaker 2 (48:00):
Involved.
Speaker 1 (48:00):
I grew matured, got stronger, I got degrees, I got
a family, I got a life, a life I'm proud of.
But there has not been a single day in that
time where I didn't wish my father would reach out
to me owning his mistakes. If I had a father
(48:24):
doing what Freddie is doing, there is no way I
wouldn't take that phone call. You see, there's a difference
between not talking to someone because they're violating your boundaries
and not talking to someone because you're holding onto resentments
from past things. The greatest thing that you could do
(48:45):
for somebody is to give them the ability to earnestly
apologize for their mistakes. And in this situation, Freddie is
acknowledging his mistakes and seeking an opportunity to make them right.
I do not believe there is enough language in the
(49:09):
English Dictionary in order for me to articulate how much
I would want that phone call from my father. My father,
to this day, that incident that I just remarked about
took place over twenty five years ago, and to this day,
he has never acknowledged the abuse he subjected myself, my
(49:30):
two brothers, and my mother to and he has certainly
never reached out in an attempt to earnestly apologize or
apologize at all. In this scenario, Freddie, while imperfect, Freddie
wild flawed. Freddie is overtly and openly acknowledging his mistakes
(49:52):
and with a level of genuineness, looking for opportunities to
resolve them. If you continue to stonewall those attempts, It's
no longer about implementing a boundary. It's about punishment for
(50:13):
past mistakes. It's about resentment for past mistakes, it's about
anger for past mistakes. And all those things are understandable.
But you've got to understand that all of those things
only further harm you. I said a minute ago that
(50:36):
the greatest gift that you could give someone is to
give them the opportunity to earnestly apologize for a mistake.
But that's only half the truth, because it's also the
greatest gift that you can give yourself. Because once you
give that person that opportunity, then you let go of anger, resentment,
you let go of hate and anger. Those things are
(50:57):
poisons when they live in the human heart than the
human soul. And if your father is reaching out to
you again, while imperfect and wild flawed, attempting to make
a wrong right, then you are allowing poison to continue
to poison you. I would strongly ask you to just
(51:19):
listen to the conversation, and then you can be the
determining factor of whether or not you think it is
truly an apology. Then you can be the person who
determines whether or not you feel safe engaging in that
relationship going forward. But like I said, I would give
anything to have my father reach out in the way
that Freddie has reached out through this process. It would
(51:42):
mean the world to me, and it would it would
heal things broken in me that I don't know will
ever be healed otherwise. I think this is an opportunity
for you to have things healed in you that may
otherwise never heal. So my message to you is to
give the gift of healing to yourself by giving the
(52:03):
gift of healing to your father. It's important to ask
yourself different questions on your healing journey. For the next
few weeks, I will ask you a question at the
end of each episode to hopefully inspire your inner superhero.
(52:25):
And this week I want you to ask yourself, what's
the most impactful thing you can do to bring a
relationship in your life closer to you and what difference
would doing that make to you and that other person.
Maybe there's a close friend you had while growing up,
(52:46):
Maybe there's a loved win in your life that you've
drifted apart. What could you do to bring that relationship
closer and what difference would it make to you? And
that other person to be closer. This is not just
a podcast that I want you to consume and be
(53:06):
entertained by. I actually want you to be inspired. I
want you to be impacted by this, and in fact,
we can't help but be impacted by the content we consume.
So what I would like for you to do is
come on this healing journey with us. Come on this
journey of change rediscovery with us. And the way to
do that is to just pay attention to the things
(53:29):
going on in your life as a consequence of listening
to this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life
shifting in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your
desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of
your success, your resilience, and your strength. And let us
know in the comments what you're noticing in your life
(53:49):
as a result of listening to this podcast and as
a result of paying attention to these things. I would
love to.
Speaker 3 (53:55):
Hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and
your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with
me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also
send me a text message to nine seven two four
two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a
production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect podcast Network. Special
thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by Jack
(54:17):
Queish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S.
Speaker 1 (54:20):
Spisher. For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the
iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely
for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered
a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and
does not constitute a provider aatient relationship. It is advisable
to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for
(54:43):
any specific concerns or questions you may have.
Hi. I'm Elia Connie, host of The Family Therapy Podcast,
a Black Effect original series where each week, real families
with real lives, have real conversations. In celebration of BIPOC
Mental Health Awareness Month, we're inviting you to participate in
your own live session. Join me live on Black Effects
(00:22):
Instagram on Wednesday, July seventeenth. We're doing this event to
highlight the importance of mental health within BIPOC communities and
to provide a space where you can share your experiences
and receive guidance. Attendees can expect a safe and supportive
environment where we'll engage in open, honest conversations. Whether you're
(00:44):
facing personal challenges or seeking to strengthen family bonds, this
event is for you. Please note participation is on a
first come, first serve basis, so be sure to arrive
early and engage respectfully. If you're interested in joining a
guided conversation with me, send a direct message or DM
(01:06):
to The Black Effect and confirm your participation. I think
what people should expect from therapy is healing and change. However,
I think what people often go into therapy expecting is education. So,
for example, if I have a behavior in my life,
(01:30):
and let's just say addiction. We go to therapy because
I'd like to find out why I engage in this
addiction activity. But the truth is, knowing why something exists
does not do anything to help create healing or change.
A healing journey that leads towards change is very different
(01:54):
than simply trying to figure out why something happens. So
what should people expect when they go into therapy? Healing
from difficult things that have happened in our lives, past traumas, relationships, ending,
grief and loss issues or whatever, and the type of
healing that will lead towards change, but not just any change,
(02:14):
but the kinds of change that will help us to
create our desired life. Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm
your host, Elliot Khani, and as usual, I'm going to
(02:36):
start off by asking you a question that will help
shift your focus from the difficulties of life to the
pleasures of life, which is exactly the journey that I
like to take my clients on, including the family featured
in this podcast. So I'd like you to think about
what's been better since you listened to the previous episode. So,
(02:57):
what are some symptoms of depression? And how can we
combat them. The most common symptom of depression is when
things you previously have had an interest in no longer
sound interesting and you no longer engage in them. I think,
(03:17):
looking back on my childhood, the first sign that depression
was showing up. I was about ten years old and
I loved going to movies, absolutely loved it. And my father,
who lived away from the home. I lived in the
house with my mother and two brothers. My father, who
also looking back, I realized was the root of my depression,
(03:38):
was coming to get my brothers and I. Who's going
to take us to a movie? And I don't remember
the movie, but I remember it was a kind of
movie I would have wanted to see. And like I said,
I as a young kid, I loved watching movies, but
I didn't want to go, and I told my brothers
I don't feel like going. I told my father I
don't feel like going. He left me there alone in
the house, and I just laid on the can out
(04:00):
doing nothing in my state of depression. That is probably
the single most common symptom that shows up when you
are struggling with depression, When there is an activity that
you otherwise would have enjoyed, but now you don't want to.
So how do we combat that? I want to be
very very clear about this. Depression does not like activity,
(04:21):
So how do we combat that. There are two things
that are very effective towards combating the symptoms of depression.
Number one, don't not go to the activities that you
would have otherwise enjoyed because you don't feel like going,
go because you know you need it. Looking back, I
(04:43):
wish I had gone to that movie. I wish my
siblings or parents had made me go. Because depression does
not like activity. So even though you might be sitting
at the house and a friend will call and say, hey,
we're all going to meet it Applebee's. You want to
come join us, and you might be thinking, I don't
even feel like going, but you need to go because
(05:04):
that actually begins to subside the symptoms of depression, because
depression does not like activity. The other thing that we
should do to combat depression is exercise. Exercise releases natural
endorphins in your body, in particular cardiovascular exercise. There's a
lot of research that says if you can do twenty
(05:25):
minutes of cardiovascular exercise three times a week, it will
significantly reduce your experience of anxiety and depression, because anxiety
and depression don't like activity, they don't like movement, and
your body really likes movement and really really likes activity.
So when you get out and you run again, in
(05:47):
particular cardiovascular exercise, and you start moving around, your body
releases dopamine, nor epinephrin, serotonin, all of those real good
chemicals in your body, all of those feel good chemicals
in your body. Your body starts to release them and
you start to feel good. And this is a really
important thing because obviously, if you're depressed because of some
(06:07):
sort of circumstance that's going on in your life, just
because you went on a twenty minute run, it doesn't
make that circumstance go away, but it makes you more
resilient to deal with it because you're dealing with it
without the symptoms of depression being present. So those two
things I want everybody to hear. When you're feeling symptoms
of depression, it's usually going to take away your desire
to do things you would otherwise have enjoyed doing. Make
(06:30):
sure you stay engaged in those things. Make sure you
stay engaged with the people that you like and introduce
exercise into your routine. I think very often we hold
exercise only for like weight loss journeys, or only for
my doctor said I've got a heart issue, so I've
got to walk ten thousand steps a day or whatever.
(06:51):
But exercise is actually one of the greatest weapons to
address mental health issues. It's one of the best things
you can do for your brain and for you your
mental health. And you should introduce exercise into your lifestyle
simply for the mental health benefits. Taking a responsibility for
your mistakes shows maturity and a willingness to change. This
(07:13):
accountability brings Freddy one step closer to the life he wants,
but he lacks the discipline to stay persistent. This week's
session highlights a conversation with Freddie after making his first
attempts to contact his estranged son. Although his son was
not interested in speaking with him, Freddie shares what he
learned from his efforts. Freddie, what's been better since we
(07:38):
last met?
Speaker 2 (07:40):
I think basically the same and made it change it though, And.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
All right, so the last time we talked, we talked
about calling your your kids and specifically and particularly your son,
and how important it was to do that regardless of
the kind of response you might get from him.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
Actually, I did call him and he said that. He said,
he said, who is this?
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Uh well no, wait, wait, wait wait, can I stop
you real quick?
Speaker 2 (08:18):
Sure?
Speaker 1 (08:19):
Okay, this is really big. What day did you call him? Oh?
Speaker 2 (08:23):
I called him it right after the session. Yeah, because
I was already hyped up. So I called him right
after the session.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Okay, when did you realize that you were hyped up
enough to call him? So we had that conversation, and
when did it hit you like, all right, I'm ready.
I've been nervous to do this. I've been scared to
do this, I've been after himptive to do this. But
I'm hyped up enough to do this. When did you
realize that?
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Well? I came to the conclusion that whatever his response
would be, I should be mad enough to him, you
know what I mean. And I think I built myself
up to three or four different scenarios. You know, Tom
was Tom was good, and uh three of them was bad.
(09:10):
So I was I was kind of like, Okay, whatever
whatever happens happens, I just have to make the best
of it. Or or if he has a real negative response,
you know, I said, I call you better when you uh,
when when you're feeling better, you get a better chance.
So actually we didn't even talk like he said he said, uh,
(09:31):
he acts like he didn't know what number.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
It was?
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Said, he said, who is this? I said this pop?
He's all right, I gotta go, and he said he
hung up. So I was I was like, okay, that's
that's a that's a good response. He wasn't uh disrespectful,
he was you know, it wasn't you know they want
to talk at that time or you know what I mean.
(09:54):
He it is like just brush it up. I said, Okay,
I said, okay, but I call you so I probably
do that sometime this weekend.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Okay, what was it like for you? Like when you
were calling him and the phone was ringing? What was
that like for you?
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Oh? And the anticipation was like, uh, I had a
little sweat in my nose. That's that was about it.
My forehead was a sweat. This is a little sweat
of my nose.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
And I heard What was it like when you heard
his voice?
Speaker 2 (10:28):
I got and I got a nice little chill, I
got a warm feel and I was like, okay, okay,
So then I see he goes like, he said, who's this?
I said, this is Pop? Like like heah, you know,
don't know my number? You know what I mean? Like
they down in this Uh well, you know I called
him a couple of times. Ray. I don't know if
he logged it into his phone or not, but he said,
(10:49):
I said this was Pop. He said He's like, Okay,
I gotta go somewhere. I said, I talked to you
later and he said bye.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
That was it, okay, So there was no he didn't
cuss you out. He did and yell at you and
didn't call you names. He simply said, who is this this?
Speaker 2 (11:04):
Pop?
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Okay, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later. That
that's what happened exactly where okay? And what difference does
it make to you to know it didn't go super badly?
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Uh? A tremendous Uh. It was like I said, I said, Well,
I was relieved because he didn't, you know, like I said, hey,
go off the off the chain. So that was a
good thing. Uh. I was tad annoyed that he didn't
want to talk. So that's understand that. You know, you know,
the grabs the other conversation could have gotten you know, crazy,
(11:40):
maybe he needed more time to so I figured maybe
next time I call me, might you know, might sit
down and have a conversation with you.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
M hm. And what difference does it make for you
to know that, like I've gotten over that hump, I've
I've gotten over there?
Speaker 2 (12:00):
It was? It was It was a tremendous relief, I
tell you, because uh, you know, you always expect the
worst and pray for the for the best, you know
what I mean. Uh, it was it was a relief,
you know what I mean that he you know crazy
know you know, sorry personal, So I think that was
(12:23):
you know, it was a tremendous least on me, you
know what I mean. I was like, you know, it
came up to tie, you know what I mean. So
I was like, okay, you know it's it's a breakup point,
I think, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
Yeah, gotcha, gotcha? And you know him, what difference do
you think it makes to him that you called him?
What is it I say to him that you called him?
Speaker 2 (12:55):
Well, I believe that, you know, I I believe deep
down the side, you know, he missed me, you know
what I mean, because like, uh we was like road dogs,
you know, what I mean, Uh, I think that you know,
this will have you know, and I heard that he
had a situation with his son and he wasn't communicating
(13:17):
with his son on the steady basis. Now they communicate
communicating it now, So I think that kind of like
you know, broke the ice a little bit more too,
you know what I'm saying, because like he was, he
was extremely upset with his son, so like, uh I
think it kind of like mailed him down a little bit,
you know what I mean, Like if he you know,
(13:39):
he forgave his son, so you know, he used to
forgive me too, you know what I mean. You know,
I don't think the gravity of well, you know, I
can't really compare the gravity of both situations because they different,
you know, but they still like in a forgiveness state,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
So, Freddie, I am trying to think how to say this,
Like my job is about progress and change and I'm
so amazing, Like I don't know where this is going.
(14:19):
I can't tell you what the end result will be,
but I'm so happy and like proud of you and
like it's such a good sign that you took this
first step because I don't know where the destination is,
but I know in order to get there, we got
to take this first step. I know, I know it
(14:41):
was hard. I know it made your nose sweat. But man,
this is such an important first step. How do you
know you can take the second step? What do you
how how do you know you can you can do
it again?
Speaker 2 (15:04):
Well, it seemed like you know, once you you you
take that first leap, you know what I mean, the
forward progress is already in motion. So you you you
gotta keep going forward, you know what I mean? Uh,
I believe that no matter what the outcome gonna be,
(15:24):
I'm gonna keep trying and trying and trying. So uh,
if if I it's not fairy about the first time,
then it might be fairboter the third time. It's not
the third time, that's gonna be the fourth time. You know,
I'm gonna break them down, you know what I mean.
Sooner or later, you know I'm gonna break them down. Man,
you know, because like you know, the world survived by family,
(15:46):
you know what I mean? You know, the existence of
life is family, you know what I mean. And you
don't got you know, you don't have Uh, you're not
in front with your family. It's a broken vessel, you
know what I mean, You're roping vessel. So, uh, why
that statement I'm saying, like, you know, I'm never gonna
(16:07):
give in. I'm never gonna give up. So no matter
how it comes, even if he's respect disrespectful, cursing, aby
or whatever, it's something, it's a conversation, you know what
I mean. I said, Okay, we had a conversation. You know,
we got to that point, you know what I mean.
So the next point, he ain't gonna keep cursing and
(16:28):
cursing and cursing sooner, Len say, well, dang, you know,
Pop Pop keep pushing and keep pushing, so he's gonna
give in, you know what I mean. You don't have
to give in. You know.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Do you think do you think he knows that he's
got a father that has like decided like, I'm just
not gonna give up. I'm gonna keep pushing. I'm not
gonna give in. Does he know he's got a father
that's willing to do that for him? Now, I'm not
I'm not sure he knows that.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Well. I think that the lack of uh between uh,
the situation when we have it was it was months,
you know what I mean. And I think I kind
of messed up by not trying earlier, you know, by
not letting, by letting so much time elapsed, you know
(17:18):
what I mean. So, and I think he was like,
well if he you know, if you don't care because
he ain't tried, you know what I mean. So I
think now that I tried, and I'm pushing an issue now, uh,
let's get him a different Uh. I look on the picture,
you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (17:35):
Where did this piece of you come from? Where you
were like, I'm not going to give up? Like when
did that set in that I'm going to be the
version of Freddy that's like I'm not giving up. I'm
going to keep pushing. Where did that come from?
Speaker 2 (17:49):
Well? I think it comes from me dealing with all
of my kids, you know what I mean. And I
think that if a shepherd is heard in his sheep
and one is one to get lost, he gonna leave
all the other sheep to go look for the lost sheep,
you know what I mean. In fact, you know that's
how I feel, you know what I mean. Uh, I
(18:11):
just feel like that's the important one because that one
is lost, you know, what I mean, So I put
more emphasis on on the lost sheep than I do
with the whole herd.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
But when did that set in? Freddie? Like, when did you?
When did that hit you that, like I'm ready to
focus on this lost sheep, I gotta get I gotta
get the whole herd together. When did that set in?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
I think because I was I was at Jake House
last weekend, and and I was playing with my grandkids,
and you know, and my grandson he looks so much,
he's a split spin image of you know what I
mean when the chicken was so because every time I
was playing with me, the only thing my mind was saying,
so much like this looks so much like this was little,
(18:57):
you know. And then I think that kind of like
a set a tone for me to relinquish any feelings
that I might have far as like not put forth
a stronger effort to renite renite being him together. You know, m.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
How do you think it's going to impractice his life
when he realizes my dad's trying, and he's trying in
a like I'm not going to give up. Way, I'm
going to keep going until this until I break this down. Way?
How do you think that's going to make a difference
into his life to realize his father is given it
that level of effort.
Speaker 2 (19:34):
Well, I believe that we're all as you know, as
as human beings, got to you know, have always looked
looked up to our father no matter what, you know
what I mean, and like, it wasn't too many disappointments
in my life, you know far as my father. But
I had one really serious disappointment. My father gave me
a nineteen sixty nine CATDLLEC when I was high school,
(19:57):
and it was all pimped out against the wh It
was the whole nine right. So it broke down like
after this four or five months, so I stayed at
the driveway. So I came home for school one day
and it was gone. I said, the pop with a car.
So I put it in a shop for you. I said,
I cool, thanks, like thanks thanks, So you know when
got it. A couple of months later, it broke down again.
(20:18):
It stayed in the driveway about two or three weeks.
So I came home again and it was gone. So
my first assumption that he put in a shot for me,
So I said, pop with a car? He said, he
said son. There's one thing to have a car, and
there's another thing to be able to afford one. And
he had sold a car on me, and that kind
of like deva you know at the time. But at
(20:42):
the time, like you know, I wasn't working, you know,
you know, anything like that. But I realized emphasis he
was trying to, you know, put on me, you know
what I mean. Uh, And then you know, he sold
a car, and like I guess, I don't know, maybe
three or four months later, he gave me another car. Hey,
he gave me, uh, he gave me a nineteen seventy
to brew uh, the Saber convertible with a four fifty
(21:06):
five him me in it. Oh it was white on white. Uh.
One thing about my pops, he would get a car
and do it inside and out, you know what I mean.
So everywhere I went with that car, somebody offered to
buy it from, you know. So I guess that kind
of like that's what I'm saying, Like to me, my
father was my hero because like you know, it was
(21:27):
the guy that I always looked up to, no matter what,
you know what I mean. And and I was and
I was like I was a bad kid man when
I go look at back at my you know how
I grew up. I was a bad kid, you know,
as far as like I was always fighting in school.
My parents always coming was coming to school to uh
get me cause I was always fighting. It was this
guy named mister he was a tune officer back to that.
(21:50):
Back then they had tune officers. And he was like
six four maybe three hundred pounds and black as I
don't know what, and and he's my parents should take
to mister bradfit right, And he suspeked me, you know
what I mean. And the first time he had he
had this big old paddle and he and he popped
me with it. And I ain't cry. He popped me.
(22:12):
Gain ain't crist so you ain't gonna cry. So he
popped me, little heart. I started crying, right.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Man, you know.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
And I think, like the things that you know, you
experience in life, you know, you you you gravitate to
him when you get older and you realize, wow, the
purpose of it was for your own good, you know
what I mean? And like because I was, I was,
I was bad, man, you know, looking back, I was,
I was. I was bad, you know, And no matter
(22:43):
how bad I was my parents still love me, you
know what I mean. And and I think once I
got through that few years of rebellion as far as
like being violent and all that kind of stuff, Uh,
that's when I kind of like, I think, that's when
I met their mother, you know what I mean. Uh,
(23:04):
And she kind of like mellowed me down a little bit,
you know what I mean, because like we're starting the family,
you know, and with you know, got our first apartment.
So that melowed me down a little bit. And I started,
you know, I started like i'ma be like I'm gonna
raise my kids like my father raised us, you know
what I mean, and try to you know, repeat I
(23:26):
have a brutiful childhood, Like I had a beautiful childhood.
So so you immolate your father, you know, all your life.
So I think, uh, that's what Tisen does, you know
what I mean? Because like sometimes I could be stubborn
this hell too, you know what I mean, And sometimes
he could be stubborn, and you know, and uh, now
it's responsive to things, you know. So I just think,
(23:49):
you know, I just got to keep uh chipping away
at him, you know what I mean. As long as
I keep chipping away at him sooner or later, I'm
gonna chip that piece off that's gonna open up his
heart for him, of course, you know I'm coming station.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
But how do you think that's going to make a
difference in his life when he realizes I got the
kind of dad. Because when you talk about your dad
and you refer to it as a beautiful childhood, and
you talked about you being a bad kid, but your
dad loved you anyway, Your dad was there anyway. What
(24:21):
difference do you think is gonna make to deliciage life
when he realizes that you love him that way that
you're that you have like the kind of I'm gonna
keep chipping away at it kind of love for him.
What difference do you think is gonna make for decision
when he when he realizes that, I think is.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
Gonna make a substantial difference because the fact that we
we had each other back, you know what I mean,
We was deaf each other on all you know, all situations,
you know what I mean, and uh, the good, the bad,
and the ugly, you know what I'm saying. You know,
he would call me, He would call me like five
o'clock in the morning, Pop, I need and I don't think. Uh,
(25:03):
I could be wrong. He might you know, found the friend.
Uh you know now that you know he could depend
on no matter what. What's the situation is? If he's
stuck on the highway two o'clock in the morning, you
know what I mean, it's my friend. You know. If
I call my friend, come get me. Oh, come fix
me up, you know, come help me out. You know,
I don't know if he found somebody like that, you know,
(25:24):
I hope he has. You know that that would be
a good thing. Uh, But I don't think that nobody
would lay any life on the line for him, like
the way I would.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
How would you like this conversation to make a difference
in your life? Like, is there anything we could talk
about today that would help you bring your herd back
together again? To use your words? Which I like that.
I like that a lot.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
Well. I think by me analyzing the situation, which you're
going through all the ins and out everything that I
could focus on on the buzz eye. You know what
I'm saying, because like you know, I had my own
thoughts about things, and you you you you're telling me
something I'm like, then that little light bulb will go off.
You know, I'm like, wow, okay, cool, you know that's
(26:21):
that's that's that's that's the tellisea. You know, that's brilliant,
you know. And then and I have factor that into
what I'm what I'm gonna present and in the for
right riting place. So I believe that this bi us,
you know, having a conversation about situations, and we're figuring
out what what you know, uh, what what plan we
(26:44):
could make too? Uh to attack to attack the problem? Uh.
That's making substantial impact on me.
Speaker 1 (26:53):
Okay, so what's the next step in the plan.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
Well, my next plan, My next step is to call
him up, you know what I mean. You know, you know,
I think I've been using different avenues you know, uh
far as you know, uh to see his his his
attitude or his his uh his his how he's been
(27:19):
thinking about me because I've been relating to a few people,
you know what I'm saying that he's around, you know
what I mean? And uh they've been giving me a
little uh bits and pieces of things, you know what
I mean. So uh, I want to say he's his
life is. It's like like I think his life is
(27:40):
it's going place as far as all all the things
that he's trying to accomplish, but there's still a missing link,
you know what I mean. And and I think that
missing link is between between me and him, our relationship.
And I do believe that when when all the links
are strongly can elected, the change is a whole lot stronger,
(28:02):
you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
I completely agree with you, man, completely agree with you.
So how are you gonna know when you're hyped up
enough to call him a second time?
Speaker 2 (28:15):
I was gonna was I was gonna do that today.
I was gonna do that today. I was gonna I
should have done it yesterday. But when I got up
work yesterday, it seemed like, uh, every problem that could
go wrong went wrong yesterday at work, So I was like,
I didn't really have a still moment. I was on
(28:37):
the move constantly, so I was so when I got home,
I was like totally, you know, washed out. So I
was like, like, I ony took a shower and took
a nap, so I was done. And today wasn't as
bad as it was yesterday. But it was a little
rough today too. But I think only because of that
(28:58):
because we had a few, uh a few Like that's crazy,
because like the lady uh called called the officers. She
smelled gas, and she been calling for like almost a
week or so. So she said, uh, every time she
opened the door, she can smell the gas. You know,
she opened her front door, she can smell it. So
(29:19):
by the time uh maiden has come there, the smell
of been the you know, you know, eparticipated I went
away or whatever, you know what I mean. So I
told her, lady, I said, listen, I said, when you
first come home, called me, so that way, when I'll
(29:39):
be right there when you open the door. And she
opened that door. I was like, whoa, I smelled it
because I went there a couple of times. I was like,
I don't really smell not, you know what I mean.
And like they got the meter, the gas meter, and
I went around the stove, you know what I mean.
And it ain't beat crazy or nothing like that. So
so when I told her, when you first come home,
(30:02):
don't do anything before you open the door, call me
and I come right there. So like when she did
that yesterday, boom, I smelted up with the met her
and it was beeping like crazy. Right, So I went
by the I went by the stove and it wasn't
beeping as much. So I go back back by the door,
and the beet a little beat, a couple more beeps,
(30:23):
so I'm like, what's going on? So I went next
door and it wasn't beeping. So I'm like something, something
is crazy. So I said, right, we gotta figure this out.
So I called, you know, the gas company. So that
the leak was under the ground, So it was under
the ground by the gas meter. The pipe that was
(30:43):
rusted out. So they had to cut the shut the
whole complexed out. The whole complex, like I think it
was ten, ten or twelve apartments, had to shut all
those apartments down, dig up the ground, and fix the pipe.
Speaker 1 (30:56):
You did that.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
So, no, the gas company did that. I ain't. I
ain't doing all that. No, I just called him. When
they came, they got the little meata detectives, but they
got the one you dig the hole in the ground
and then you stick it in the ground. So I
don't got that one. So so I shut I shut
the apartments off though, I shut all the line the
(31:19):
gas off to all apartments, to twelve apartments, and they
came and went to little back hole and dug ground up. Yeah,
they read tagged that the red tagged us. But they
got it fixed.
Speaker 1 (31:32):
Though, gotcha. So that was a busy day yesterday.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Yeah, so now I gotta go back in all the
twelve units. We light all the power lights from the
stove to the heater to the hot water, you know
what I mean. So I was like, oh man, it's crazy.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
And so do you have time to call your son today?
Speaker 2 (31:56):
Yeah, I'm gonna call him, deck out to call him day. So, like,
you know, I'm looking forward to just hand him say hello,
you know what I mean. Whatever what happens after that then,
you know, is I you know what I mean? As
I hear his voice, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (32:10):
You know, you're starting to say some things that to
me are like real big signs, like how different is
it for you to be like you know what, I'm
just looking forward to him saying hello. How different is
that for you to have that position?
Speaker 2 (32:27):
Well, like I really miss him, man, I miss I
missed the hell out of him, you know what I mean?
Like I said, like I didn't really I got friends,
Like I don't really got no no real best friends.
My real best friend he died, So I really develop
any real friendship where I can call somebody my best friend,
and I called my son. He was my best friend,
(32:49):
you know what I mean, because like we could, you know,
we talked about everything. We almost did, you know, virtually
everything together, you know what I mean. So, uh, I'm
telling them all times, you're not just my son, You're
my best friend, you know what I mean. And and
I think like as far as like most fathers and
(33:09):
sons relationships, I think we had we had a really
a real good relationship. You know, it might not have
been the idea one as far as like father and son.
Uh you know, like like my me and my father,
we ain't never go hang out in no bars, you
know what I mean. We ain't never go to the
night club. We ain't up going to strip clubs, you
(33:29):
know what I mean. Because my father was more religious
kind of a person, you know what I mean. He
ain't really does in that kind of thing itself, you
know what I mean. But we did go to like
amusement parks, you know what I mean, Uh, picnics and
stuff like that, to fears and carnivals and all kinds
of things like that of that nature. It was you know. No, No,
(33:53):
the generation times is changing, so you know, things that
develop more fast and more great. And I believe that
our relationship was it was it was a good relationship,
but it wasn't ideal, you know, father and son relationship
far as like. And I know a few farthers probably
(34:13):
hang out with they son and go to you know,
clubs and you know, you know, hang out like that.
Uh but uh, but but you know, we just we
just done so many things you know, together, like you know,
you know you would say, damn, they don't they only
act like father like to to you know, like two
(34:34):
brothers or something like that. You know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (34:40):
When was the I shouldn't even say like that? Since
since you guys have had this rupture, have you ever
had the opportunity to tell him how much you miss
him and tell him that he was your best friend?
Speaker 2 (34:55):
Nah? Nah, I never, I never had that opportunity. Yuah.
Speaker 1 (35:01):
What would it do for you to be able to
say that to him?
Speaker 2 (35:08):
I do a lot for me, you know what I mean? Uh,
just just the point that that that out to him,
you know, to convey that to him, you know, to
show him, Uh, you know the gravity of our relationship
that that that's been lacking, you know, what I mean
mean a great deal to me and probably mean a
great deal of him. I'm quite sure he already aware
(35:29):
of it, h M, because you know, the last time
you know, we talked, he said he don't really got
nobody that he could trust to do do you know,
do things for him like that? You know what I mean,
you go in this safe or go in this is
stash or whatever. You know, now nine times a team,
(35:53):
you really can't trust nobody to do things like that,
you know what I mean? If you got five thousand
dollar was in there, you know, you might have three
thousand dollars and you come back, you know what I mean?
You really some people you just can't trust to do
things like that, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (36:08):
Yes, yes, you might have zero dollars, not just three times. Yeah,
and what if he responds badly on the second call?
How are you gonna handle that?
Speaker 2 (36:28):
That's okay, that's okay, because like if it be does
you know what I mean? You know, that's I believe
that's minimizing what he's feeling, you know what I mean,
minimized like his release. If that's the release he have,
right then you know it's gonna minimize you know what
(36:49):
I'm saying. He had to get it off his chest.
You got to get it out the way, and once,
you know, sometimes you just got good things out the way,
you know what I mean, So you could so you
could start the process of healing, you know what I mean.
That's how I'm gonna look at it. You know what
I mean.
Speaker 1 (37:02):
How how unusual do you think he will experience it?
If he you know, he's got to get some stuff
off his chest and he says some harsh, mean things,
and he yells and curses, and at the end of that,
you say, all right, man, I'll call you next week.
How unusual would that be to him?
Speaker 2 (37:21):
That'd be like that. I took whatever he said, and
I took it in. You know, I'm filtering it out,
you know what I mean. And you know, I know
some of the things he probably say to me is
probably true, you know what I mean. And sometimes they
(37:42):
say the truth hurts, you know what I mean. And
probably through the things he might you know, people relinquished
on me. Can I I gotta accept it. I gotta
accept the fact that you know, I ain't the perfect,
perfect person in the world, and you know I may
I made mistakes and sometimes I gotta be accountable for
(38:05):
all my mistakes that I made.
Speaker 1 (38:08):
Mm hmm. And for him to hear you say that,
how different would that be for him?
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Well, a lot of people that can't accept their own
they own uh own only their own mishaps, you know
what I'm saying. They don't because like some people like
they don't never like say well, I'm sorry, you know
I did this. You know, can you forgive me? Some
(38:39):
people just can't accept that they did wrong? You know
what I mean?
Speaker 1 (38:44):
Yeah, I think that's absolutely true. But what what would
it do to him to hear you say that? Because
you know a lot of times when we attack people
and we even getting things off our chest, even if
we're just trying doing so, the other person gets defensive,
they don't want to talk about it, they get distant.
How different would it be for him to hear you say,
(39:04):
you know what, what you just said is true. I
accept responsibility for it. I just want to move forward
and I want my best friend back. How different would
that be for here for him to hear you say that?
Speaker 2 (39:14):
And that might be the idea thing he's been waiting
just to hear you know what I mean? Yea be
the only thing. You know, some people like uh, never
is apologetic, you know what I mean. Some people don't
admit to their own own fault, you know what I mean.
And you know, like, uh, I'm I'm I'm acceptible to
(39:38):
my thoughts. I got to my boss the other day.
I said, I'm the type of person like this is,
if you show me a more efficient, more simpler way
to fix something, I could change and fix it that way.
And he just looked at me like, oh okay, because
like most people are stuck in the way, stuck in
(39:58):
their own pattern. What I'm saying true, Uh, they want
to fix it this way and that's it. But if
somebody can show me a more efficient and more fast
away to do something in the way I'm doing it,
I'm accessible to change, you know what I mean. And
I think, uh, that might be the only thing that uh,
(40:21):
he needs to hear, you know what I mean. And
if that's all that, you know, that's what. If that's
what it takes, and I got I got suck it
up and eat it all. You know what I mean.
That you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (40:36):
And if it is the one thing he needed to hear,
how do you imagine he'd respond like, I don't know,
I don't know if that's the one thing he needed here,
But let's say it is. How do you imagine he'd
respond to you when he hears it.
Speaker 2 (40:55):
I guess it'll be the uh, the k look that
you know that sales the sales the relationship, you know
what I mean. Because sometimes sometimes people complicate things when
they don't really need to be that complicated, right, you
know what I mean. People blow things out of proportion
when you could just simplify the solution and and just
(41:21):
solve the problem, you know what I mean. Sometimes people
just just blow just blow things out of proportion all
the time, you know what I mean, Like, Wow, it
ain't all that serious, you know what I mean. And
sometimes uh, we could make situations more devastating in what
they really are, you know what I mean, by our
own by our own of own feelings, you know what
(41:43):
I mean, Like you know, you know, my god, you
know what I mean, Like it ain't that severe, you
know what I mean. And sometimes some problems be like
you might say, it ain't that serious, but it might
be devastating to them, you know what I mean. And
so you gotta find out that middle ground, you know,
and and and and and meet meet and meet there,
(42:06):
you know, and ask.
Speaker 1 (42:09):
Like, let's say we take a few steps further down road,
how do you hope you and your son participate in relationship?
Do you want to talk once a week? You want
to hang out again? Like what would be the ideal
way for this to go for you?
Speaker 2 (42:25):
Yeah? Yeah, I want. I wanted to. I want to,
you know, hang out with him again. You know, I
want to go to places with him. I wanted from
the start coming down here, you know what I mean,
come to my house, you know, uh on you know,
pick up his his son and uh and and and
come down here, you know. And uh, I was thinking about,
you know, for my birthday, I wanted to have like,
(42:49):
you know, a big family you know OUTI you know,
uh and and hopefully for the ones that you know,
financially uh stable to uh to make the trip, you know,
I could you know, I could you know, pitching you know,
and uh you know, you know, give him a few dollars,
you know what I mean. So uh, I'm really trying
to you know, just my you know, I'm looking for
(43:11):
the big sixty five, you know what I mean. And
I I got sixty five more left.
Speaker 1 (43:16):
You know, I don't know sixty five more left.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
So that way I believe that. Uh I really I
thought my fifty was gonna be was gonna believe it
or not? I turned twenty five. I don't think I
was gonna be twenty five, right, So uhh when that
when I turned twenty five, I ain't I swould to god,
I didn't think I was gonna live be twenty five
years old, right, you know what I mean? So when
(43:40):
I turned fifty, I thought that was a uh you know,
monumental accomplishment, you know, in my life, you know what
I mean. So now that I'm to that age where
you know I'm about to retire, you know what I mean? Uh,
I was gonna uh my, my my wife, she wanted
to have have that up north into some type of
uh you know, you know establishment, you know, like a
(44:04):
big restaurant. I can't afford that, you know what I mean?
So I figure if I have it here. Because we
had a couple of picnics, a couple of a sleep
Old Wizard was like like twenty people stayed in my house,
you know what I mean. They brought their sleeping bags,
they brought they whatever they had, you know what I mean,
their mattresses or whatever whatever, and everybody was spread out anywhere,
(44:28):
you know what I mean. So, uh, you know, I
don't you know, I don't you know, I don't mind that,
you know what I mean. So if you know, you know,
that's what it takes, and you know, I'm you know,
looking forward to it. And then the ones that don't
want to stay in there, you know, you know, finances
because they at hotel, go to Atlantic City or they
(44:50):
whatever they want to do, you know what I mean.
But uh, that's that's that's my plans.
Speaker 1 (44:56):
M I love that. I mean, I cannot stress enough
how big of a step it is and how how
much it says about you, Freddie, that you've made this
phone call, and I just want to ask you to
make another one.
Speaker 2 (45:18):
Plan I'm gonna do assume as I hang out with you,
I'm not even gonna eat dinner. I think I might
eat dinner for.
Speaker 1 (45:28):
Okay, I can live with that. Get some food and
then call this is and then I just want you
to pay attention to the impact just the attempts are
making on your life and his life. And my favorite
thing you said was I'm actually just excited and looking
forward to him saying hello. Everything after that is just,
(45:52):
you know whatever. But I'm just looking forward to him
saying hello. And your job now is to show him
he's got the kind of father that's going to keep
chipping away at this until we succeed. If I could
(46:15):
give a message to Freddie's son, I would tell him
a story I've said publicly before, I think, even on
this platform, that I do not have contact with my father.
And the reason I don't have contact with my father
is he was a very very abusive guy. And when
I was about twenty, I was I was just tired
(46:35):
of violence happening in my home. I needed a safe
space in my life, and my father came into my life,
came to visit where I was living at the time
in Texas, and a physical altercation ensued between me, him
and my really between my older brother and him, and
I got involved trying to break it up, and something
(46:56):
snapped in me like that was the last physical alter
case I could take, and I told my father later
on that night, I said, you can't be in my
life anymore unless you follow a few simple rules. No
yelling at me, no hitting me, no cursing at me,
and no calling me names. If you could do those things,
(47:18):
we can move forward from here. I can forgive everything
that's happened in the past. We can get through all
of that. I just need a life going forward that
doesn't have those four things because it was killing me.
It was injuring myself esteem and my ability to grow
and be a man. My father's exact response was fuck you,
and he hung up the phone. And that was the
moment where I realized, I'm gonna have to implement these boundaries.
(47:41):
I'm gonna have to force him to honor the boundaries
that I have because I wanted to live a healthy life.
Now I'm very proud of the fact that exactly what
I needed to have happened happened. I got to live
a life without those four things.
Speaker 2 (48:00):
Involved.
Speaker 1 (48:00):
I grew matured, got stronger, I got degrees, I got
a family, I got a life, a life I'm proud of.
But there has not been a single day in that
time where I didn't wish my father would reach out
to me owning his mistakes. If I had a father
(48:24):
doing what Freddie is doing, there is no way I
wouldn't take that phone call. You see, there's a difference
between not talking to someone because they're violating your boundaries
and not talking to someone because you're holding onto resentments
from past things. The greatest thing that you could do
(48:45):
for somebody is to give them the ability to earnestly
apologize for their mistakes. And in this situation, Freddie is
acknowledging his mistakes and seeking an opportunity to make them right.
I do not believe there is enough language in the
(49:09):
English Dictionary in order for me to articulate how much
I would want that phone call from my father. My father,
to this day, that incident that I just remarked about
took place over twenty five years ago, and to this day,
he has never acknowledged the abuse he subjected myself, my
(49:30):
two brothers, and my mother to and he has certainly
never reached out in an attempt to earnestly apologize or
apologize at all. In this scenario, Freddie, while imperfect, Freddie
wild flawed. Freddie is overtly and openly acknowledging his mistakes
(49:52):
and with a level of genuineness, looking for opportunities to
resolve them. If you continue to stonewall those attempts, It's
no longer about implementing a boundary. It's about punishment for
(50:13):
past mistakes. It's about resentment for past mistakes, it's about
anger for past mistakes. And all those things are understandable.
But you've got to understand that all of those things
only further harm you. I said a minute ago that
(50:36):
the greatest gift that you could give someone is to
give them the opportunity to earnestly apologize for a mistake.
But that's only half the truth, because it's also the
greatest gift that you can give yourself. Because once you
give that person that opportunity, then you let go of anger, resentment,
you let go of hate and anger. Those things are
(50:57):
poisons when they live in the human heart than the
human soul. And if your father is reaching out to
you again, while imperfect and wild flawed, attempting to make
a wrong right, then you are allowing poison to continue
to poison you. I would strongly ask you to just
(51:19):
listen to the conversation, and then you can be the
determining factor of whether or not you think it is
truly an apology. Then you can be the person who
determines whether or not you feel safe engaging in that
relationship going forward. But like I said, I would give
anything to have my father reach out in the way
that Freddie has reached out through this process. It would
(51:42):
mean the world to me, and it would it would
heal things broken in me that I don't know will
ever be healed otherwise. I think this is an opportunity
for you to have things healed in you that may
otherwise never heal. So my message to you is to
give the gift of healing to yourself by giving the
(52:03):
gift of healing to your father. It's important to ask
yourself different questions on your healing journey. For the next
few weeks, I will ask you a question at the
end of each episode to hopefully inspire your inner superhero.
(52:25):
And this week I want you to ask yourself, what's
the most impactful thing you can do to bring a
relationship in your life closer to you and what difference
would doing that make to you and that other person.
Maybe there's a close friend you had while growing up,
(52:46):
Maybe there's a loved win in your life that you've
drifted apart. What could you do to bring that relationship
closer and what difference would it make to you? And
that other person to be closer. This is not just
a podcast that I want you to consume and be
(53:06):
entertained by. I actually want you to be inspired. I
want you to be impacted by this, and in fact,
we can't help but be impacted by the content we consume.
So what I would like for you to do is
come on this healing journey with us. Come on this
journey of change rediscovery with us. And the way to
do that is to just pay attention to the things
(53:29):
going on in your life as a consequence of listening
to this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life
shifting in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your
desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of
your success, your resilience, and your strength. And let us
know in the comments what you're noticing in your life
(53:49):
as a result of listening to this podcast and as
a result of paying attention to these things. I would
love to.
Speaker 3 (53:55):
Hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and
your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with
me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also
send me a text message to nine seven two four
two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a
production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect podcast Network. Special
thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by Jack
(54:17):
Queish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S.
Speaker 1 (54:20):
Spisher. For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the
iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely
for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered
a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and
does not constitute a provider aatient relationship. It is advisable
to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for
(54:43):
any specific concerns or questions you may have.
Popular Podcasts
Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club
Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com