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June 8, 2024 59 mins

The Black Effect Presents... Family Therapy!

In this episode Jay and David have separate sessions that both revolve around the theme of personal growth and self-improvement. They also explore the concept of rediscovering one's true self and finding happiness and fulfillment in life.

 

The conversation is divided into two main chapters: 'Jay's Journey to Personal Growth and Being Present' and 'David's Desire for Consistency and Understanding How to Live with Grief.'

 

During Jay and Elliott’s session, Jay expresses her desire for change and a clear strategy to move forward in her life. We learn more about the separation from her partner David and the importance of being happy and the difference it would make despite all and current circumstances. Elliott encourages Jaylin to take small steps towards change and to pay attention to the clues that she is moving closer to being her true self

The conversation with David highlights the need to overcome obstacles and maintain a mindset of resilience. Elliott and David discuss the power of remembering and honoring their loved ones who have passed away, and how it can inspire them to be their best selves. Elliott asks David what would be different if he were to acknowledge his ascended loved ones and realize the opportunity remains to make them proud.

During both of these sessions and moving forward, Elliott will challenge the family members weekly to inspire them to start living as the best version of themselves irregardless of life’s perpetual challenges.

Learn More: ElliottConnie.com

Connect: @ElliottSpeaks Text: 972.426.2640

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
It's hard for me to describe what a healing journey
looks like because that's different for every person. But the
question to ask yourself is are you ready for change?
And if you are ready for change, you are ready
for therapy. I think we oftentimes think about therapy as
being associated with a problem, but therapy is actually associated
with change and healing, and there doesn't even have to

(00:23):
be a problem present. Like, if you're in a space
in life where you're just ready for things to change
and you're ready for yourself to grow, then you're ready
for therapy and you don't even have to know what
that change is because part of therapy is the discovery process.
So are you ready for change? That's the question you
have to ask yourself, and if the answer is yes,
then you're ready for therapy. Welcome back to Family Therapy.

(00:56):
I'm your host, Elliott Connie. What's been better in your
life since you listened to the previous episode. I pose
this question because I want you to make the same
shift that I want the family that I'm working with
during this season to make, and that is to focus
on your progress and evidence of change more so than
you focus on problems. Last week, we introduced you to Jay, Freddy,

(01:20):
and David. We learned a little bit about their backgrounds
and some of their best hopes from therapy. You'll notice
I'll ask that question quite often as we continue in
the sessions again because I want the family to focus
more on their outcomes more than their problems. You'll also
notice that every family member has a different goal for therapy,

(01:41):
and it's important I ask about their goals often to
make sure we are working collectively towards accomplishing them. Right
before we started the sessions, Jay and David decided to separate.
They continue to live together, which pose some significant challenges
for both Jay and David. So over the next few weeks,

(02:03):
I was able to spend some time with each of
them individually in order to gain more insight into their
current circumstances and what they are both thinking about as
they go through this very challenging time. My conversation with
Jay revolves around her aspirations for personal growth and self improvement,
particularly in terms of physical fitness, emotional wellbeing, and parenting.

(02:27):
She expresses to me a desire to reclaim aspects of
a former self that was more adventurous and active, while
also acknowledging the challenges of balancing personal needs with family responsibilities.

(02:50):
If you look up tomorrow and that old Jay was
back with all of those traits, confident, you know the
best version of yourself. And I know it's harder now
because you know the life is different, kids, and you
know all those things. But like, if somehow that Jaya

(03:10):
just became present again, how would you notice it? If
it just kind of happened overnight and you woke up
tomorrow and all of a sudden you were like that Jay,
how would you notice it?

Speaker 2 (03:24):
I think she would be excited about the day ahead
of her. I think that she would be motivated to
get started on her day.

Speaker 1 (03:32):
What time would it be that you would wake up?

Speaker 2 (03:35):
I'm five thirty, five thirty, And.

Speaker 1 (03:40):
Are you alone at five thirty in the morning or
somebody in the bed with you?

Speaker 3 (03:45):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (03:46):
No, someone's in bed with me.

Speaker 1 (03:49):
So when you woke up at five thirty in the morning,
it would be the first indicator that I'm the version
of the Jay that's excited about the day.

Speaker 2 (04:00):
I probably would get up and work out.

Speaker 1 (04:03):
Are you serious?

Speaker 2 (04:04):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (04:05):
How unusual would that be, j for you to wake
up and think I got a lot going on today.
There's a lot happening, But I'm the kind of Jam
going to work out today.

Speaker 2 (04:14):
I haven't worked out at five thirty in a long time,
so it would be pretty strange.

Speaker 1 (04:20):
What would you do that would really fit with I'm
that version of Jam? Because this is what Jama does.
She gets up at five thirty in the morning and
she works out. Maybe you know, a ten hour Marithon
workout session, or maybe just a quick ten minute work
whatever it is. But what would you do that would
really fit with? This is who James.

Speaker 2 (04:37):
It would probably be like a forty five minute workout.
I would spend about fifteen minutes on cardio and the
rest lifting weights.

Speaker 1 (04:48):
Where would you do this?

Speaker 2 (04:51):
I would do it after Jim, do.

Speaker 1 (04:53):
You have a gym membership?

Speaker 2 (04:55):
I just canceled it.

Speaker 1 (04:57):
So if you woke up tomorrow, where would you do
this workout?

Speaker 2 (05:00):
I guess my basement, but I don't have anything like that,
But if I had it, that's where I would do.

Speaker 1 (05:07):
Where is David at this time?

Speaker 2 (05:10):
He's downstairs? Oh you mean in real in real life
or in this.

Speaker 1 (05:15):
In this yeah?

Speaker 2 (05:16):
Like oh yeah, I mean.

Speaker 3 (05:25):
Mhm.

Speaker 2 (05:27):
I mean if this was like to happen tomorrow, he
would be here. But if this was happening in this
imaginary scenario, he would not be here.

Speaker 1 (05:37):
Okay, why would he not be here in this scenario?

Speaker 2 (05:44):
Because we would be separated.

Speaker 1 (05:47):
Do you think the old jam would want to separate
from David?

Speaker 2 (05:51):
Yes?

Speaker 3 (05:52):
Okay?

Speaker 1 (05:54):
What makes and I'm not questioning, I'm not saying you
should or shouldn't when I asked what I'm about to
ask you, But how come the old Jade has such
clarity about that?

Speaker 3 (06:03):
Like?

Speaker 1 (06:03):
What makes the old Jade really confident that? Like, yeah, Elliet,
if I were this version of me and I was motivated,
I would separate. She didn't have children, but now she
does because you're you're still this Jay. But the old
Ja personality is just back, right, So how would the
old Ja, being present in your current situation handle the relationship?

Speaker 2 (06:30):
She really she would separate?

Speaker 1 (06:33):
And how do you know? How do you know that?
You answer that?

Speaker 3 (06:38):
And like.

Speaker 1 (06:40):
There's like a confidence and like a like a clarity
in the way you answer that.

Speaker 3 (06:46):
How do you know that?

Speaker 2 (06:49):
Because that's what both James want?

Speaker 3 (06:52):
Gotcha?

Speaker 1 (06:53):
Gotcha?

Speaker 3 (06:53):
Okay?

Speaker 1 (06:54):
And when you finished this forty five minute workout, what
difference would that make to you?

Speaker 2 (07:00):
It feels great, feels it feels good. It feels like
I'm in control of my body. I'm doing the things
that I know are helpful for me to be healthy,
to be active, to be able to you know, keep
up with my children. And it looks I feel like

(07:21):
I look good. You know, I feel like I'm looking good.
I feel good.

Speaker 1 (07:24):
Yeah, do you enjoy that?

Speaker 3 (07:26):
Yes? Okay?

Speaker 1 (07:28):
David would be present tomorrow, right if this, if this
were to actually happens tomorrow, David would be present.

Speaker 2 (07:34):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (07:35):
When he first looks at you, how would he know, like,
I'm looking at the confident, feel good, looks good, like
before you even said anything. What would he see that
would tell him that's like the real change? I mean,
who knows. Maybe we're going to be together forever, maybe
we're not going to be together for another minute. But

(07:56):
I'm looking at her and like there's a there's a
difference in who she is. How would he notice that?

Speaker 2 (08:04):
I guess you would notice the confidence, the eagerness to
make it happen. And he would see that I look
like my old self because I would remind him of
how I used to be.

Speaker 1 (08:19):
How would he see it? You use words like confidence?
What would he see that would be like, m that's
j when she's confident, like she.

Speaker 3 (08:28):
There.

Speaker 1 (08:28):
It is like, how would he see? What would he
what would he actually see that would tell him, Oh
my gosh, that's her at her absolute, you know, bestness?
How would he see that?

Speaker 2 (08:40):
And it's like a hard question, I.

Speaker 1 (08:42):
Know, and I'm sorry to ask you hard questions, but oh.

Speaker 2 (08:44):
You should ask hard questions. I'm just trying to find
the answer for that.

Speaker 1 (08:50):
Thank you for that, by the way, thank you for working.

Speaker 2 (08:52):
Sure. I guess you would see that. I'm like happy,
I don't know, I'm not sure.

Speaker 1 (08:59):
How do you how do you do happy? Like when
you're happy five thirty in the morning, you just did
this forty five minute workout, and then he sees you,
David sees you. How do you do happy? What does
Jay look like when she's happy?

Speaker 2 (09:12):
He's talkative and making jokes, and I guess not seeming
so distracted. I don't know if that's the word, but
I think a lot of times when I interact with

(09:34):
him now, I seem distracted. I feel like I seem
like I have a lot of heaviness on me. So
I think if I just came from my forty five
minute workout after waking up at five thirty morning. Typically
I'm like, you know, excited, I'm happy, I'm ready, getting
ready for the day. I'm like, let's go. You know,

(09:57):
I don't think he sees that that much these days.

Speaker 1 (10:00):
What difference would it make to you to be happy
even in David's presence, whether we want to be together
or not, Like, what difference would it make to you
to be happy regardless of the David situation or not?
Does that make sense?

Speaker 2 (10:18):
Yeah, that makes sense. It would make a huge difference.
But honestly, sometimes I don't know how to do that right.

Speaker 1 (10:26):
But on this day, if it just showed up, you
woke up at five point thirty, you got a forty
five minute workout in, and you feel good and you
look good, and your confidence is back, and you're happy,
and you said, like, I'd be talkative and I'd be joking.
What differen would make to you to be those things
even in that environment?

Speaker 2 (10:48):
I mean, I think it would make a great difference.
It would make a positive difference. I just don't know
how to do it. I mean I probably know how
to do it. I just I guess have gotten into
a place where I've chosen not do it.

Speaker 1 (11:04):
Maybe that's good, gotcha? How would David respond? Like, what
would what do you think he would say once he
saw that happiness and confidence within you, he would.

Speaker 2 (11:17):
Probably joke around two. But I don't think he would
pay me much attention.

Speaker 1 (11:23):
When he sees you. And where would he see what
he see you? Like in the kitchen would he come
down to? Where would he where would he see you?

Speaker 2 (11:30):
Likely in the kitchen or in the living room cleaning up.

Speaker 1 (11:34):
And and he might make a joke about it. Yeah,
what difference do you imagine it would make for him
to notice it in that exact moment? Like, what difference
would it make to him to notice it? Do you think.

Speaker 2 (11:52):
It would probably motivate him and he'll probably want to
work out with me the next time.

Speaker 1 (11:59):
Have you guys ever done that before?

Speaker 2 (12:02):
Yeah, we kind of in our early stages of our relationship.
We used to work out a lot. In this recent
gym membership that I had. When I started working out,
he wanted to come with me, which was fine, I guess.

Speaker 1 (12:18):
And how would he express to you that you're motivating
him and he would like to join you at some
point in the future.

Speaker 3 (12:26):
How would he.

Speaker 2 (12:26):
Express that, Oh, he would just ask if he could
join me, if he could join me at the gym?

Speaker 1 (12:33):
How would you respond? That's for Yeah, what difference would
that make to you to have him join you in
the workout?

Speaker 2 (12:42):
To be honest, I really wouldn't want him to.

Speaker 1 (12:46):
I'm gonna push you a bit. Then what would the
real JAD say if he asked you?

Speaker 2 (12:54):
She would probably let him, to be honest, because even
that it would want to see him benefit from working
out too.

Speaker 1 (13:06):
Wow. Wow, how come where do you get that from?

Speaker 2 (13:11):
Oh? I mean I like to see I like to
see people happy. I like to help people, and I
like a lot of women, tend to put my feelings
in the back burner and say, if it's for the
greater good, plus, you could go ahead and do it,
even if that's not what I want.

Speaker 1 (13:29):
I want to throw something out Eve and see what
you think about this. This doesn't feel like you're putting
your feelings in the back burner. You said I like
to see people happy, So this feels like I would
let him work out with me to attend to the
fact that I like to see people happy.

Speaker 3 (13:43):
Is that right? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (13:45):
But the greater feeling is that I wouldn't want him
to be there. I would want to do it on
my own.

Speaker 1 (13:50):
Would you be pleased to catch yourself saying that, you
know what, David, I appreciate you want to join me,
but I want to I want to do this for
my own for a while. Would you be pleased to
hear yourself say that I would?

Speaker 3 (14:00):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (14:01):
And would that feel like the real jail maybe a
new version of her? Perhaps? What does what does that
feel like?

Speaker 3 (14:08):
The real Jailer?

Speaker 2 (14:08):
That feels like the jayl I want to be, but
I don't know that I'm a version of me so
far has necessarily been that, But.

Speaker 1 (14:17):
That is the Jay that you want to be. Yeah,
what different food to make for you to be able
to be that?

Speaker 3 (14:22):
Jake?

Speaker 1 (14:23):
Like, just totally, I'd like to do this on my own.
I want I want this to be mine for a bit.

Speaker 2 (14:31):
I would think that'd be awesome. I think that you
have to create spaces for yourself and you have to
allow yourself to be in that space the way that
you want to be in that space. And that's not
something that I tend to do often. So I would
be excited about making that decision, even though I feel

(14:53):
like part of me would be like, oh my god,
I heard his feelings. But more importantly, I think it
would be that this is what you want and you
were able to express that and stay committed to it,
So I think that would be more important.

Speaker 1 (15:07):
How do you imagine he'd respond to you saying that, like,
you know, I appreciate it. Maybe one day, but for now,
I just want to keep this for me.

Speaker 2 (15:16):
He would not like it. He wouldn't say that he
didn't like it, but I know he wouldn't.

Speaker 1 (15:20):
And how would this new Jay deal with him not
liking it? But stick to it?

Speaker 2 (15:28):
She would do just that. She would say, you know, hey,
I know you want to go, and you know, maybe
we could figure out a time in the future, but
right now, this.

Speaker 3 (15:37):
Is for me.

Speaker 1 (15:39):
One of your children would notice this shifting mom first,
my oldest.

Speaker 3 (15:46):
What would he.

Speaker 1 (15:46):
Notice that would tell him something is different about my mother.

Speaker 2 (15:52):
I think you would notice the same things that David would.
I probably would see a little less stressed, a little
bit more more lighthearted, a little bit more excited, and
he would he would want to go to the gym too.
What are you really The membership that I had was
they had a kid's room, and he's been asking to

(16:14):
go back, but this costs a little bit too much,
right now?

Speaker 1 (16:17):
Yeah, of course you know that makes sense. And what
difference do you think this kind of new version that
would make in life?

Speaker 2 (16:27):
She would have more energy and she would be less
stressed out.

Speaker 1 (16:33):
And how would that impact Hopefully.

Speaker 2 (16:35):
That would result in having more patience and more playfulness.
I do play with him, but I think, you know,
I could probably be better at that.

Speaker 1 (16:48):
How would the version of Jade that you want to
be show that you're enjoying this time with him? You know,
if you guys are playing with Pokemon or tag or
whatever you're doing with this like new version of James,
show that you were really enjoying this time.

Speaker 2 (17:09):
She would not be distracted, so she she would just
be very present and allow herself to enjoy the moment.

Speaker 3 (17:19):
M hmm.

Speaker 1 (17:20):
And would this be like a big surprise to it
or a little surprise, you know what I mean? Would
this be like a big change or a small chaine?

Speaker 2 (17:28):
I feel like I, for the most part, he likes
to play a lot, So I mean, for the most part,
I try to be, you know, very present with him,
and and but I don't I can't say that I
play with him as much as he would like me too.
So I think this new version would probably be more

(17:49):
willing to play more often. So yeah, that would be
a shift for him.

Speaker 1 (17:56):
How would respond to them?

Speaker 2 (17:59):
He would love it? Would he would love it, and
I would be tired.

Speaker 1 (18:03):
He would be tired when he would love it? Yeah,
And what difference would it make for you to know
that you were being more true to yourself and making happy, Like,
what difference does that make to you?

Speaker 2 (18:18):
It would make a huge difference. I want I want
to be the best version of myself, and I also
want him to be happy, so it would make a
huge difference. I think he's happy now, but I'm sure
that more playtime with his mom would definitely be something
he would enjoy. And not just I wouldn't just say playtime.

(18:40):
I think more dedicated time where I'm just very present
with him and not distracted. I think he would certainly
love that.

Speaker 1 (18:50):
What else would you notice that would let you know
you're being the gage that you've always wanted to be,
like the best version of you, version of me?

Speaker 2 (19:05):
Uh, I don't know. I need to think about what
that looks like. Okay, because there's I mean, there's things
that I feel like are coming to mind, but I
don't know that those are the best versions of me.

Speaker 1 (19:27):
Can you give me an example?

Speaker 2 (19:32):
So initially I was gonna say I would probably change
my job, but I don't know that the best version
of me requires me to change my job.

Speaker 1 (19:42):
I love that you said that. I'll tell you why
in a minute.

Speaker 2 (19:48):
Part of me, yeah, part of me wants to say, yeah,
I changed my job. I do something more exciting, more interesting.
But at the same time, I don't know that that
is what I necessarily need right now, or that I
even need it to be my best version?

Speaker 1 (20:00):
So can can I point out something to you?

Speaker 3 (20:05):
M h.

Speaker 1 (20:07):
And by the way, I want to I thank you
so much for working so hard to answer my questions.
I know that they weren't always easy and it required
you to you know, do some do some thinking. The
thing that stood out to me the most as you
as you talked is how important it is that you

(20:29):
get back to being the real Ja in this newer version.
Does that make sense, like that the the old Jay
come back as the new you. This is actually not
about your relationship, not about your job. It's about the real,
authentic Ja figuring out how to be present in this moment, right,

(20:52):
And the more you talked about that, Jaya, and the
more like intrigued I be king. And the cool thing
about like real deep happiness is it's not circumstantial, so
like it doesn't require you to change your job or
your relationship. It's something that like resides within you. And

(21:13):
I would love to help you get that back so
that it's not impacted by whether or not you love
your job or not, or whether or not you're going
to stay in your relationship or not, or whether or
not your kids are running up the walls playing or
any of those things. It's it's just kind of centered
and balanced within you. And I want to help you,
more than anything kind of rediscover that. So can I

(21:37):
can I ask you to do something? Would that be
all right? There's a funny thing about change, Okay, I
don't want you to change too much too fast, Like
I don't want you to wake up tomorrow and go,
you know what, screw that job. I'm quitting that job,
and that screw this dude. I'm leaving this dude. Like
if you change too much too fast, it's almost like
not real, you know. Yeah, an example on a scale

(22:01):
of zero to ten, ten, being you're that version of
j of the time, which, by the way, no one
is anything one time and zero is the exact opposite.
Where would you say you are on that scale?

Speaker 2 (22:17):
Maybe a three four?

Speaker 1 (22:19):
Okay, here's what I would like you to do. I
want you, as you say, three to four, I want
you to go through your your days. I want you
to wake up tomorrow, go through your days and notice
all of the clues that you're no longer a three
to four. You're now like a solid four and maybe

(22:40):
a five, right, And I want you to do little
things that give you an idea like, huh, I don't
think I'm a three to four anymore. I've moved up
on a scale just a bit. I want you to,
like work out in the morning, or I want you
to say things like, you know what, I want to

(23:00):
work out by myself, David, Like I enjoy you, You're fine,
but I'm going to work out by myself because this
needs to be about me. I want you to catch
yourself playing with your children and just be a little
bit more present in the ways you were describing. I
just want you to pay more and deeper attention to
all of the clues that you're moving closer towards being

(23:23):
that jam. The thing I found most wonderful about talking
to you is there were moments where you had this
really bright smile as you talked about who Jay really is.
And if you had me guess, I think you're distracted
by the difficult circumstances of life, and I would like
you to kind of reshift back focus. I want you

(23:45):
to pay really close attention to all of the clues
that you're moving a little bit up that scale. Is
that okay, I will try excellent. There's a part of
us that we fall in love with, and it's usually

(24:06):
that younger self, when you were exciting and interested in
cool things. And when I say younger, I don't necessarily
mean age related. I mean from a responsibility standpoint, like
you didn't have kids, you didn't have a job, you
didn't have a mortgage. You could just be the truest
and most authentic form of yourself. And then as life
unfolds and life gets more serious and you get more

(24:28):
responsibilities and you get a spouse and you have children,
you have to pay taxes, and you get a home,
you lose sight of those things that you used to
do that you enjoyed. You lose sight of that part
of you that you used to tap into to really
love and enjoy life. You spend so much of your

(24:48):
time paying bills and working and being an adult. In
our current society, we refer to this as adulting. Very
often that you lose a sense of who you really are.
And for this therapy with Jay, which is also common
with so many people, the journey of healing is often
associated with the rediscovering of your old self. That's exactly

(25:11):
the journey that Jay is going to go on here.
David has a strong desire for consistency, but not just consistency,

(25:35):
the kind of consistency that's going to reignite that inner
beast in him that allowed him to climb to the
very very top of the athletic world. He wants to
take initiative in his relationship and his finances to reclaim
that old David.

Speaker 3 (25:54):
Now.

Speaker 1 (25:54):
I intend to help David shift his mindset and find
solace and support within the grief that's coupled with his armor.
You mentioned your mom, and your mom like has you
and you go, you know, become successful, And I think
I heard you say your sister was of attorneys that right, Yeah.

Speaker 3 (26:16):
My sister's an attorney.

Speaker 1 (26:17):
Now, yeah, okay, how special.

Speaker 3 (26:22):
Was your mom?

Speaker 1 (26:25):
My mom?

Speaker 3 (26:26):
She's I don't see my mother go through a lot
with my dad. Strong, smart, you know, it stayed on
her boys, like that's my girl right there. She passed
away last year. Oh man, Yeah, yeah, so my mom's
My mom's was very special. She and just seeing that

(26:47):
smile on her face, you know, And then I didn't
want to let her down when I went to the
next level and stuff like that. And I always made
sure my mom's was good because she sacrificed a lot
for us, you know, to keep a roof over our head,
food on the table, and close on our back. So
like she that was the thing. Like everything I was doing,
I was like, Yo, this for you, Mom, this for you,

(27:08):
because she was one of my biggest heroes, Like you
know what I'm saying, And she just kept pushing me,
pushing me.

Speaker 1 (27:13):
How responsible is your mother for that fire you had
in you to become successful.

Speaker 3 (27:20):
I don't seen my moms go through with my dad,
like physical abuse, mental abuse, busting her butt. Dad ain't
really helping out. Like I said, Yo, my dad, I
love him. I respect some of the things he did.
I understand more now. Didn't really get it then, but

(27:42):
my mom's held us down. Like when people talk about
how they mother, like, my mother really really made it work.
I respect my moms for that. And that's why when
I got to the league and all that stuff, I
was just telling like, man, you good. Don't worry about nothing.
You good, like for realm.

Speaker 1 (28:01):
So, if you woke up tomorrow and that fire, like
something happened overnight while you were asleep, and that fire
became like that fire again, like this raging inferno inside
of you when you woke up the next day, how
would you know that that fire was back. What's the

(28:23):
first clue you would have that would tell you that
fire is back?

Speaker 3 (28:28):
Probably a mind shift or the way I'm approachingself. So
this is the thing when I say the fire right,
because it'd be day like the staling. It's like, you know,
you turn on the pilot on the stove right right
after water start boiling or after it's done. It cut
off right right, so you don't need it no more. Okay,

(28:48):
some days is like that. A lot of days is not.
So the consistency of the days being like that, then
I know, like i'd be like all right today, today, right.
But it's just been a lot of stuff, a lot
of stuff that I got to get over, Like you
know what I'm saying. I got to get it out
of my system because like I've been through a lot.
I've been through a lot, and I lost a lot

(29:10):
of good people. Like one thing that bothers me to
this day is losing my sister to this day, like
yesterday it was a birthday, rough day. Can't look at pictures,
can't look at pictures. You know, David, when did you
lose your sister? Twenty seventeen, never forget the phone? Call

(29:34):
my home. Jame the office in her office, studying her
and her friends called me. It was like, Dave, I
seen him pulling the body out of your sister. So
I was like, what Jay came out? She was like.
I was like, Yo, something happens to shit. I gotta
get over there. She was like, you gotta get calm down,
calm down, Let's go see what happened. It'd be nothing.
And then when I found out what it was, and

(29:56):
it was like deja vu because I had to call
my brothers and sisters about my dad. Because everybody called
me first and I was by myself. Then I had
to call my brother and sister about my sister. So
I was like, yo, and that was my girl. We
three years apart, we did everything together, like you know
what I'm saying, Like she wrote me because you know,

(30:16):
she had to go to she went to jail for
a couple of years and all that stuff, and she
wrote me and it was like, yo, I'm wanting. Don't
matter what nobody saying, I'm your number one fan, I'm
your biggest fan. I still got that letter to this day.
So losing her, like it ripped me apart, Like for real,

(30:38):
I miss worked for like a month, like almost a month.
Month is some change. Yeah, like that was that was rough.
That was rough how she passed. And that's the crazy thing, right,
So I always go see her on my day off, right,
I'll go see it because she she was a w
emput because you guy, Betty right live byself, function on anything.

(31:04):
And I was like, yo, I ain't see I said,
I ain't see my sister on a couple of days.
So I'm gonna go see her tomorrow because I was
off the next day. And they said when I talked
to the neighbors, they said that they didn't. They heard
her one day and then they didn't hear her. They

(31:26):
didn't hear her. It was like a Monday here because
I worked Monday. I worked Tuesday. Wednesday, they did the
wellness check and that's when they found her on the
side of by a bed. So they came to her
that she had a diabetic shot. She went too a
diabetic shot and she must have felled. And she was

(31:48):
sitting there on the on the by the side of
her bed for like a day and some change or
something like that or maybe two days. Wow.

Speaker 1 (31:57):
How and you guys are very close?

Speaker 3 (32:00):
Yeah, yeah, like because my daughters. She'll watch my because
you know, I was the first one to have a kid.
So she loved my daughters. And you know, I was
like every operation she had. I was with her on
a carrier out of the house, helped her move. I
even live with her for like a little bit. Like

(32:21):
look were brothers and sisters. Did we fight and stuff argue? Yeah,
but we wouldn't go without speaking, you know, like we
was close close, Like even when Jalb's demployed. One time
it was New Year's my daughter with her mother and
then her cousin over there and they do their dame
crab lads and all that. This. My daughter was still

(32:43):
up here, my brother having some bodas house with the
fellas though, but I was just in that move. I
didn't want to go nowhere. So she called me and
she was like, this our last New Year together. Yeah,
it was turning twenty and sixteen. Because I got the
picture and she was like, what you doing. I said,
non in the house for work. She's like, you know
how some media is he? Yeah, I'm about to come

(33:04):
over there. She took a cab over there. I paid
for the cab and then I jumped in the car.
She was like, come on, let's go to the poles. Yeah.
So then we drove to my brother house and then
that was that. Yeah, like so we used to hang
out together. I'll just go over our house and just
hang out with her, and you know, she'll rift with
my sister, she'll rift with my little brother sometimes, my

(33:25):
moms or whatever. I was like the the medium in
between that, like, oh, come on, send you fucking like, nah,
it ain't right. You know what I'm saying, Yeah, you're
coming over for Thansgiving? Like what you mean? All right?
But stuff like you know then when she's sick and down,
like I go over there pick up a medicine. You know,
when she had another lady cut off, I went up

(33:46):
to the hospital. We don't fought together, like we don't
cry together. And then when my father passed, she was like,
she was like, yo, you're good. I said, yeah, I'm
good good, And she said you sure you don't look good?
I said, nah, Daddy always told me to make sure
y'all good because I was the oldest boy. And then
she told me, she said, we're gonna make sure you good.

(34:09):
So like she was the person i'd go to and
talk to, like about whatever, and she wasn't biased, like
she'll tell me if I'm wrong, Like she'll tell me that,
like you know what I'm saying, Like she'll say that, Yeah.

Speaker 1 (34:21):
How do you think on a day when you woke
up and you that fire was burning, if your sister
could see you, how do you think she feels out
seeing her brother like at his best again? You know
what I mean? Like, how do you think that would
impact her to see her brother at his best?

Speaker 3 (34:41):
She'll be smiling ear the ear. She'll probably say something
she said, oh, you're back on your shit. There you go,
that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, Like because she used
to say that all the time, like she could see it,
like or if I walk in her house, she said,
she was like, little bro, you got a globe going on,
going on? Okay, all right, all right, all right, keep

(35:04):
it up. You're gonna get it.

Speaker 1 (35:06):
What difference does that make to you? When you know
she can see it?

Speaker 3 (35:10):
It's a validation, Like you know what I'm saying. It's
like cause like I ain't gonna be, I ain't gonna be.
It's like when you play sports and you don't went
to the highest level, and when you performing on doing something,
the validation you get back from it, it just keeps
you pushing a little bit. Every athlete I don't care,

(35:33):
Like you listen to them and they tell you that
like that validation that you're getting back from it when
you don't really get that validation no more. Like it's
kind of hard and it could be on youtuo though,
but it's kind of hard, Like you know what I'm saying,
And uh, I think I think that's what it is.
It's like yo, she was like like I know I'm

(35:55):
doing Like I'm like, yeah, I'm doing my thing. But
then when she recognized it because she can see it,
she could smell it, and she's seen me smile on
my face and stuff like that, and she'll know if
something is bothering me too, because she had asked or
I'll call him like yo, what you're doing and like
now I'm gonna come through. I gotta talk to you
real quick, all right, So I'll just go over there
and we'll just talk like hours.

Speaker 1 (36:20):
What let's say, wake up tomorrow and that fire is back.
Like I was saying, And if your sister was watching you,
what would she see you do that would make her say,
that's my brother on his ship, Like that's what what's
the first thing she would see that would tell her
that's that's the.

Speaker 3 (36:39):
Guy I know, probably be you know, the way I'm
handling a certain situation or like you know, something like
if it's something with the job and she see me
and she was watching me, see me in action and stuff,
because she doesn't seen that before, she could tell. She'll
be able to tell that way, you know, interacting with

(37:00):
my kids or something like you know, like I don't
never like on them, but she she had a good
eye on seeing certain stuff. And I think that's what
it'll be like seeing me move in a certain way
or the way I'm walking or something like that, or
hearing me in a conversation, like she'd be like, oh, okay,

(37:21):
that's what I don't seen that before. Oh yeah, he honest,
it's back. I think that's what it is. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (37:30):
Would you would you be pleased to have it back?

Speaker 3 (37:34):
Absolutely, like I said Elliott, Like absolutely, Like it's been
it's been a rough few years. Like my sister, best friend,
I've been hit by a truck, be quiet, Yeah, acrossing
the street a s u V. Like, by the grace

(37:55):
of God, though, you know, walked away from it. I
mean stitches, broken eye socket though. But I was home,
Like after I left the hospital, I was home, like
in a few hours, you know. Uh, daughter moving to
Florida at the spirit a moment, she was up here,

(38:16):
but it wasn't working out. I knew my daughter needed
to be with her mother as a man and a father.
As much as it hurt me, I knew she needed
to be with a mom. Like it's not working like
I could see it so and I you know, I
don't know if you have kids or not or whatever,

(38:36):
but when you can't put a band aid on it,
and she's crying and it's nothing that you can like
fix like it was. I couldn't put a band aid
on that she used to hurt me. So I'm like, listen,
you don't got to make the choice. That's what fathers do.
I make the choice. You know what I'm saying, you're
gonna be up here. It's a time and I'm gonna

(38:58):
come see you and come here for the summer and
blah blah blah. You know. So, but that took him
because I'm a good father. Might not be the best
boyfriend or her husband or whatever, but not yet, but
I'm a good father, Like I love my kids unconditionally
and I'll do anything for my children no matter what.
But that that really played a real thing on my heart. Yeah, say,

(39:25):
like she's been there through a lot of this stuff,
and I think that's one of the things that's taken
the toll because the meter was at a hundred and
now it was just like heat going down, heat going down,
he going down and creep back up and then it's
going down. Then it's going down. Because I'm like, yo,
which way do I turn?

Speaker 1 (39:44):
How would J notice that David was like, you know
that fire is back and he's at his absolute best.

Speaker 3 (39:51):
Because I met Jalen in thirteen and when I first
started working got into the furniture game. Like, she doesn't
seem like I don't like she doesn't see it. She
doesn't see me like all right now, there's other things
that overall that she might be like, yo, he need
to have fire on this and that, but she doesn't

(40:14):
see me in the mix. You know, in the years
we've been together, it would have to be as not
more as a day. It would have to be something
that's consistent, like she need to see some consistency out
of some of the stuff, right, And one thing she
say all the time, she's like, oh, Dave is very
consistent and he's well knowledged when it comes to you know,

(40:38):
working and stuff like that. But I need him she
said this before. She said, I need him take that
and bring it in the house. I need him take
that and put it in a relationship. I need him
to take that and put it into the finances. That's
what I need. I need him to take that and
put it into me. That's what she.

Speaker 1 (41:00):
Would She know you were doing that if you took
that and put it in the house, in the relationship
and the finances into her How would she know you
were doing what would be a.

Speaker 3 (41:09):
Clue to her me taking initiative on something bright. Let's
just say a savings for both of us. Let's say
I do it for a month straight, and I'm like, listen,
this is the savings account that I wanted to do
with both of us. This is where I'm at right now.
This is for a whole month. I did this, and
it's set up on auto pay, So every week this

(41:32):
is being taken out of my check and it's going
to here. This is our joint savings account for emergencies
or whatever, something like that. Simple like that. And she
was like, oh, all.

Speaker 1 (41:42):
Right, David, if you were to say that, like I said,
up a joint savings account auto page going over here.
If you were to say that and then do it
for a month and do it consistently, would she experienced
that is like a big surprise or a little surprise,
A big surprise, big surprise. What what difference would that
make to her? For you to be doing that and

(42:03):
be consistent with it and be following through that. Look,
what difference would that make to her? That would be
a big difference.

Speaker 3 (42:08):
That make a big difference to her that I think
that'll make her feel like, Okay, he's really thinking about
the long game and not the short game. He's putting
a bigger effort on our finances. You know, everything is
just separate now, Like you know what I'm saying, and
that's what it is. I mean, look, I admitted it

(42:30):
before and a whole bunch of times, like I just
never been in no relationship like that that anything joint
or whatever the case may be. You know, like I
take care of what I need to take care and
make sure the house is good, and I say it
and just keep it moving like that. But she doesn't
operate that way. And now that we have kids, it's

(42:53):
a no no. So I think that'll be a big
step that'll be part of a lot of other things
that'll be a good step moving in the right direction.

Speaker 1 (43:04):
And if your sister were watching you and she sees
you bringing that into the house, into the relationship, into
the finances, what do you think your sister would think
of her brother she's watching down seeing you move.

Speaker 3 (43:18):
Like that, she'll probably smile. And she was like, this
is exactly what she said she said, that's what's up.
That's what's up, she said, because a lot of guys
don't do that. You know, a lot of guys don't
do that. Right. She'll probably be like, all right, that's
a good step. She'll probably say how she feel about that,
and then her slip moth and like, yo, you still
got access to it, right, you know, something will left? Now,

(43:41):
go get your money. You don't want me to go
talk to them, But yeah, that's my sister.

Speaker 1 (43:45):
Yeah, what do you think that would do to your
mom as she watches you, knowing that David's treating his
partner the way a woman should be treated.

Speaker 3 (43:55):
One thing about my mother like she loves you. Like
I said she at jail in twenty thirteen, my mother
health was stronger than so she loves day. Right. Yeah.
But one thing my mother knows is is she always
say I'm a gentleman. The way I treat my partner,
my girlfriends or whatever, it was already different and a

(44:19):
little better than what how she was treated. I never
seen a man take care of my mother the way
she needed to be taken care of.

Speaker 1 (44:31):
What would it do to you to still be able
to make your mom and an older sister, proud of
you even though they're not here, Like you know what
I mean, Like, well, what would it do to you
to know that they're not here, but they're still watching
and you can still make them proud of you? How
do you think that would that fire you had?

Speaker 3 (44:50):
I think it will impact me a lot. I think,
you know, I think they are definitely super proud of me.
I think they are watching down and you know, I'll
see that I'm hurting, see that I'm going through some things.
See I had some challenges in my way. But you know,
I think they are saying, like they just keep pushing,

(45:14):
don't give up. You know you can do it. That's
what my mother used to say. I really think if
they see we get through these things and know everything
is gonna be okay, that'll really make them proud. I
don't even make my dad proud too, because one thing
my father's always tell me, he was like, God give
his hardest battles to a strongest soldiers. And I used

(45:37):
to I used to whom printed out that prayer for
me one time, and I got it somewhere in my
stuff and I used to have it hanging up in
my dorm room. My apartment, you know, And I used
to always read it it should be that and it's
your bads prayer. I used to read it every day
every day that I just stopped. For some reason, I
just stopped doing that. I told this to the day

(45:59):
one time. I was like this one, I'm just going
through it. And I said, because I was missing my
dad at the time, and this was my sister was
so alive and I haven't been to my father's site
and I was missing my dad. And I finally went
up there and I told her. I was like, yo,
I admitted it. I was like, yo, maybe I ain't
want to his strongest soldiers. And she was like, no,

(46:22):
don't say that. Look, well you don't been throing, kept going,
you know, got up, you know she military, you know,
dust your boots off, and you got up and you
kept on truck. But I was like, yo, it's been
a lot of times. I just wanted to throw the
towel and like, man, I can't take this anymore, Like
it's a lot of weed on my shoulders. Like I
don't know.

Speaker 1 (46:40):
I ask you one more question when you were playing sports,
because you talked about like this just saw these obstacles
when you were playing athletics. Literally, on every play there
was an obstacle between you and your objective. How did
you overcome those obstacles to achieve you're objective? Literally on

(47:01):
every play?

Speaker 3 (47:03):
My preparation for the obstacle, right, Yeah, I think I
was just I think my coaches and myself prepare me
to the best I could get prepared and then make
an adjustments on the fly. I just felt like the
person that was in front of me, I don't think
he's better than me. I think I'm gonna dominate him.

(47:26):
And trusting my team. I think that's what helped me
be successful on the football field.

Speaker 1 (47:34):
And you said said something man, I literally smiled when
you said it. You said, I knew I would dominate him.

Speaker 3 (47:42):
Better than him.

Speaker 1 (47:44):
M So I talked to a guy who is a
defensive lineman, really really successful, and I asked him a
similar question and he told me and he was. He
was defensive linman and he rushed the pastor a lot
in college and in the NFL. And I asked him
a similar question. How did you accomplish your objective when

(48:04):
there was another guy whose job it was to stop you?
He said, I didn't focus on the obstacle. I focused
on my objective and I was accused by that. I said,
what do you mean? He said, Well, for example, he said,
one of the things we would study in our preparation
is how far back the quarterback drops back. So when
I'm rushing the passer, I'm trying to get to that point.

(48:28):
And he said, I don't even think about the offensive line.
I'm only trying to get to the point where I
know that quarterback is going to be yep. And I
was like, whoa, I mean, that's crazy, the ability to
convince himself that he was better than the obstacle and
only focus on the outcome, which is I need to

(48:48):
get to that spot yep. And you just said a
very similar thing. And I can't help but have two thoughts,
and I really want to share these things with you.
The first one is, David, what would happen if you
treated every life obstacle like that. I am better than
this obstacle, and I'm going to dominate it, right, and

(49:12):
I'm going to prepare for it. I'm gonna absolutely prepare
to dominate this obstacle, no matter what the obstacle is. Now,
you have a history of being able to dominate physical obstacles.
And you did it so well that you literally got
paid to dominate physical obstacles. And part of how you

(49:34):
did it was you you developed the mindset that told
you I'm better than this obstacle. What if you took
that mindset into every obstacle you ever face in life?
What would happen?

Speaker 3 (49:50):
Mean? It'd be insane. Bro.

Speaker 4 (49:55):
I need you to take that that amazing attitude and
mine set you have and have always had, and apply
it into every aspect of life.

Speaker 1 (50:06):
Things with Jay, things with you like that's what has
made you successful, and I need to remember that that's
who you are. Obstacles are irrelevant when you were prepared
and you remind yourself I can dominate this obstacle. That
immediately makes the obstacle irrelevant. Does that make sense?

Speaker 3 (50:25):
Yeah? Absolutely, do make sense? Yeap.

Speaker 1 (50:29):
The second thing I want to share with you, and
it's almost emotional for me to say that was the
point you were talking where it was almost hard for
me to compose myself. But I have a family member
that I lost in twenty seventeen the same year. And
this family member it was my uncle and he was
his name was Jeffrey. He was literally most important person
that came into my life. He was the person that

(50:50):
gave me validation. I was in Denmark giving a lecture
when I got the worst call of my life, and
I remember thinking, like ten thousand miles away and all
I want is a hug, like I feel so alone
and I just got this horrible news, and the way
I can describe it, I wasn't prepared to live on

(51:13):
this earth without my uncle and his validation. He was
the only person that made me feel that way, and
I started I really spent a lot of time thinking
about how am I gonna do this? And I literally,
to this day live my life knowing that Jeffrey is
watching me. And I do things knowing that Jeffrey is

(51:35):
watching me. And it's gonna sound crazy, but I still
experience that sense of validation because I know he's watching me,
and I know he's proud of his nephew. And as
you talked about your mom, who's clearly important to you,
and your big sister, who is clearly important to you,
I wonder if, like I wonder if there's like there's

(51:55):
nothing wrong with David necessarily, except I wonder if David
has for out that they're still watching him. Yeah, They're
still they're still paying attention to him.

Speaker 3 (52:04):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (52:05):
And if David reminded himself every day, my goal is
still to honor these two amazing women. My goal is
still to make these two amazing women proud of me,
and as a consequence, I'm still gonna get validation from them.
What would happen if you reminded yourself every day that

(52:26):
these two amazing women are still paying attention.

Speaker 3 (52:29):
I think if I start saying that, like if I
wake up in the morning and just like, okay, trying
to get things going. You know, Mom, Dad, I know
y'are watching, and I'm just gonna continue to keep making
y'all pride. Right. I know y'all got me. I know
y'all smiling down because I said that. When I got

(52:53):
hit by that truck, I said, my sister rapt her
horns around me and said, Dave's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt, bro,
but you gonna you're gonna get up. When I finally
went back to work, an older lady at work, she's like, Davy,
you all right? I was like yeah. She was like
God was with you? That was that angel. I said
that was my sister. And I told her. She was like, oh,

(53:14):
she was like yoah, bro, she was like, that was
your sister. That's exactly what she said.

Speaker 1 (53:19):
Okay, look, we're about at a time, but can you
please do three things for me?

Speaker 3 (53:24):
Is that?

Speaker 1 (53:25):
Number One? I want you to remember that obstacles are
irrelevant and you have a history of overcoming obstacles with
preparation and reminding yourself that you can dominate the obstacle
because you're better than the obstacle.

Speaker 3 (53:39):
Mm hmmm.

Speaker 1 (53:40):
Number Two, I want you to remember that your sister
and your mother are not just with you when you're
being hit by a truck, there with you every second
of every day, and I don't ever want you to
forget that they are paying attention. And the third thing
I want you to do is I want you to
notice the difference doing those first two things makes in

(54:00):
your life and in your relationships.

Speaker 3 (54:03):
Can you do that? Yeah?

Speaker 1 (54:06):
And then I would love to see you, you know,
in a week or whenever we're going to meet again
and hear what you notice.

Speaker 3 (54:14):
Okay? Is that all right? Bro? Yeah? That's all right. Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (54:20):
Oftentimes we get hit with things in life, obstacles, traumas,
triggers that cause our lives to go in different directions,
and we might feel on top of the world and
we might feel like our very best self, and then
you get hit with a pattern of grief, loss, sadness, depression,
and then that becomes the new normal. And part of

(54:42):
what therapy needs to do is to rekindle that fire
and reignite that passion that brings you back to who
you were before the loss, before the grief, before the trauma,
before the angst, before the triggers. That's what this journey
is about. That's what what life is about. Like, no
one goes through life without getting hit with that type

(55:04):
of information. So this is actually a skill that all
of us need. David needs it and that's what this
session became about, but everyone needs it because if you
live long enough, you're going to have a trauma, you're
going to have a tragedy, You're going to have something
that you have to recover from. And that's really the
mindset of life that I want you to apply is
life is not about how do I live a life

(55:27):
devoid of pain, trauma, and tragedy. The real successful mindset
of life is learning how to apply that thinking to everything.
It's learning how to accept. I'm going to get hit
with obstacles and struggles and difficulties, but my job is
to keep moving forward and understand that I can still

(55:49):
be the person I was before the difficulty. Life is
what you notice, and that's exactly why I ask my
clients so frequently in session to pay attention to signs
of progress, success and evidence of change in every single day.

(56:13):
There are brilliant things that happen and there are horrible
things that happen. Most of us we pay an over
amount of attention on the things that go wrong, and
then we're like, nothing is going well, and that's actually
not true. It's just the things that went well you

(56:33):
didn't notice or give weight to. So part of effective
therapy is to help people shift what they pay attention to.
I mean, probably the most important life lesson you could
ever learn is no one's life is perfect. So if
that's true, that means the happy people have a tendency
to notice happy things and give weight to them, and

(56:55):
unhappy people have a tendency to notice unhappy things and
they don't notice the good things. So the most powerful
thing I can say to somebody is will you notice
evidence of progress. Will you notice signs of goodness? Will
you notice things happening in a way that you're pleased with?
Because if you can shift what you notice, then you

(57:16):
can shift the experience of your life very quickly, quickly, quickly.
This is not just a podcast that I want you
to consume and be entertained by. I actually want you
to be inspired. I want you to be impacted by this.
And in fact, we can't help but be impacted by
the content we consume. So what I would like for

(57:37):
you to do is come on this healing journey with us.
Come on this journey of change rediscovery with us. And
the way to do that is to just pay attention
to the things going on in your life as a
consequence of listening to this podcast. Pay attention to things
in your life shifting in a more desirable way. Pay

(57:57):
attention to your desirable outcome become your reality. Pay attention
to evidence of your success, your resilience, and your strength.
And let us know in the comments what you're noticing
in your life as a result of listening to this
podcast and as a result of paying attention to these things.
I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,

(58:19):
your family and your feedback, leave a review, send a DM,
connect with me on socials at Elliott's Speaks, and you
can also send me a text message to nine seventy
two four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy
is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network.
Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Sepe. It's produced by

(58:39):
Jack Queis Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S.

Speaker 3 (58:43):
Bishop.

Speaker 1 (58:45):
The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely
for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered
a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and
does not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable
to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for
any specific concerns or questions you may have.
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