May 8, 2024 • 53 mins
Disclaimer: Please note this episode speaks on abuse both sexual and physical, please be prepared for any potential triggers or sensitivities that may come up while listening.
The episode opens with examples of how to practice alleviating negative thoughts by intentionally focusing on positive thoughts.
Elliott then expounds on the need for individual therapy sessions within a family therapy context to address sensitive issues and create a safe space. Offering Jay the opportunity to discuss various challenges they're facing, including separation from her partner, selling her investment property, and abuse during her childhood. She expresses feelings of uncertainty and stress, particularly regarding self-worth and applying therapy tools in her life.
The session with Jay delves into the topic of personal blocks and self-worth, stemming from past traumas and experiences of abuse. The guest shares her journey of realizing the impact of her past and seeking therapy to address her anger issues.
Elliott and Jay discuss the importance of faith and spirituality in overcoming challenges and finding resilience. They explore the power of prayer and the impact it has on their lives. They also discuss the concept of victim mentality and how it can hinder personal growth. Elliott also defines victim mentality and how to acknowledge it in persons who struggle with positive self-reinforcement.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Please note this episode speaks on abuse, both sexual and physical.
Please be prepared for any potential triggers or sensitivities that
may come up while listening. The practice to alleviate negative
thoughts is to actually exercise the muscle of creating and
focusing on positive thoughts. The human brain is actually a
(00:21):
negative thought engine, like, we do better at thinking about
negative things, holding on to negative things, processing negative things,
so we actually have to work to counter that by
noticing positive things. We have a tendency. If I say
how is your day? Just to give you an example,
what I mean when I say the human brain is
a negative engine, we have a tendency. If I say
(00:41):
how is your day? You think about did anything negative
happen today? And if the answer to that question was no,
then you're like, oh, it's a pretty good day. You
have to be intentional about processing and thinking about positive things.
You have to be intentional about thinking about your achievements,
things you've accomplished, even small things. You have to be
intentional about celebrating those things. You have to be intentional
(01:05):
about giving verbiage to those things. An example of that
in a relationship context is if you walked into a
room and you saw your partner in there, and your
partner looked really really angry or really really sad, or
some negative emotion. We have a tendency to say, hey, partner,
what's wrong. But on the flip side, if you walked
(01:27):
into a room and your partner looked really really happy
or really really satisfied or really really content, we don't
have a tendency to say, hey, partner, what's right. So
the best way to alleviate negative thoughts is to create
habits around positive thoughts, both thinking about them and giving
verbage to them. Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliakhani.
(02:02):
What's been better since you listened to the previous episode?
This is always an important question as it shifts what
we notice to things that are progressing and more desirable
as opposed to problems. Today is spent directly with Jay
as she shares some impactful and sensitive information. There are
(02:23):
times when you're working with a family clinically where it
becomes appropriate to spend some time one on one with
each member of the family. The reason why this is
true is because a lot of times people have gone
through some really sensitive things that may impact the dynamic
amongst family members. This will oftentimes create anxiety, fear, and
(02:43):
even make the psychotherapy space unsafe, So it's important for
me as a clinician to always prioritize the safety of
the dynamic of the family and of the therapy process.
Once you are able to heal from some of those
past wounds while talking to the therapists individually, then it
becomes appropriate to reconvene as a family and continue moving forward. Therapy,
(03:08):
when done well, will oftentimes bring up triggers past traumas, tragedies, struggles,
and those things can sometimes have a negative impact on
therapy itself or the dynamic amongst the family members. So
oftentimes we meet with individuals to make sure we are
taking care of those sensitive topics with the level of
respect that they deserve. As often happens in therapy, Jay
(03:32):
speaks about having blocks and how it's preventing her from
moving forward and implementing the tools from the therapy. But despite that,
change is still prevalent. Change is always happening. It is
impossible to have the same day, same week, same month,
over and over and over again. One of the strengths
(03:54):
in therapy isn't so much about implementing the things that
came from therapy exactly, but actually noticing change happening in
your life and being able to pay extra special attention
to the kind of changes that you're experiencing as desirable
and giving yourself credit for those desirable changes. There's currently
(04:15):
a block happening with Jay where she's almost beating herself
up for not doing the things that came from therapy exactly, however,
not noticing that there are changes happening around her that
are positive and connected to who she is and what
she's doing. The process of therapy is to help her
notice those changes and give herself appropriate credit for them.
(04:41):
Other than feeling under the weather, what's been better?
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Not much. I didn't have a great week, okay.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
What took place?
Speaker 2 (04:56):
I don't know? That is so much? What has taken
place since? What's going to take place? So me and
my partner is separating, and that's happening this weekend. The
first property I bought, I'm in the process of selling it, okay,
and I feel kind of down about that. So those
(05:19):
two things together, I'm not in the best mood.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
M How have you managed.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Mm hmmm, I just you know, just keep moving forward.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
This obviously must be a difficult thing. How are you
pleased with the way you showed up during these difficult times?
Speaker 2 (05:41):
M hmmm, I don't know. I just I just realize
what needs to happen, and I'm trying to make these
things happen. I don't know that I'm please, they're displeased.
I'm just doing what needs to be done.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Okay, So how are you hoping today's conversation could make
a different for you? Like? What are your best hope
from talking with me today?
Speaker 2 (06:06):
To be honest, I kind of feel like I'm not
really sure what direction we're going in, Like I feel
like our conversations are really positive, but I don't know
if it's enough.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Okay, what direction would be like the conversations are go in.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
I don't I'm him, not a therapist, so I don't
know what needs to happen or what or what would
be best. But I guess I'm just wondering. I just
wonder if it's enough, like if it's gonna get me,
I guess in a better space by the time we'll finished.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
I got you. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.
I guess I would need your your feedback, like how
would you know you were heading in a direction that
worked for you and we're like in a better space, Like,
how would you know it was enough? You know what
I mean?
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Like?
Speaker 1 (07:04):
What would you be experiencing that would tell you that?
Speaker 2 (07:07):
Well? I feel like you're give me good ideas and
some tools, but I haven't really implemented them, and I
don't know like they're good tools, but the block is
still there as far as me applying them to my life.
So I don't know, like how do I get past
(07:29):
that block in order to use the tool that you're
giving me?
Speaker 1 (07:33):
What are you experiencing that tells you there's a block?
Speaker 2 (07:37):
Because I think about what our discussions and I see
like there's chances of opportunities for me to do the
things that you talk about, but I don't do them.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
How come? What do you think the block is?
Speaker 2 (07:55):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
How long have you been aware of the block? It's
gonna be a weird question, but how do you know
there's a block there?
Speaker 2 (08:07):
It's been a while years?
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Gosh, okay, and I'm gonna guess that you don't like
this block, right, like you'd prefer this to be removed? Yeah, okay,
I gotta push you a little bit. What do you
think is the cause of the block, Like, if you
were to dig deep and really think about it, what
(08:32):
do you think has caused the block?
Speaker 2 (08:36):
M hmmm, I don't know. I guess it's like a
self ware, self value kind of thing, okay, mm hmm.
At some point in life, I guess I just stopped
(09:00):
believing that I was worth that effort.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
M That sounds hard.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Mm hmmm.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Do you know when that happened?
Speaker 2 (09:12):
I don't know that it's one situation. I think it's
just like a multiple, like over the course of time.
So I don't know. I mean, I don't know why
I keep saying I don't know, but I do.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
No, no, No, it's okay.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Yeah, no, I just know. It's like one of those
feelers that I tend to use, is I don't know,
but you kind of do.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
No.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
Yeah, uh, that's just situations over the course of a lifetime,
situations like what I guess, Like, you know, dealing with
(10:06):
abuse at a young age.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Can I ask you a question about that?
Speaker 2 (10:13):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
When was the age you remember? Like you remember the
abuse starting?
Speaker 2 (10:27):
H Are you eleven eleven twelve? Like that?
Speaker 1 (10:37):
How did you get through it?
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Mm hmmm, mm hmm. How did I get through it?
I mean I did have therapy counseling at some point
to kind of deal with those feelings of being a
victim or whatever. So I guess when I was going
(11:10):
through it, I was just going through it, but I
don't know that I really dealt with it at that time.
But as I got older, I realized, you know, there's
some things happening that you know, maybe rooted in those experiences.
So I went to therapy at that time.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
By the way, like I have to ask you some
of these questions because it's my job, but if you
don't want me to, you can just tell me that,
you know, it's none of my business.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
It's fright, It's totally fine. That's what we're here for.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
How long did the abuse last?
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Well lived with the abuser for a couple of years.
I don't remember exactly. How long was he family or no,
my mom's ex boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Was he ever held accountable? No? Does your mom know
that this happened?
Speaker 2 (12:22):
Yeah, she does. But because he wasn't just like sexually abusive,
but he also was a very violent person, So it
wasn't just that experience. It was him also you know,
hitting and punching, choking, whatever he felt like doing.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Wow, was it just you or any of your other
siblings targets.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
They did experience?
Speaker 1 (12:54):
Gotcha? And then you said something really powerful a minute ago,
and you said, like, while it was happening, you don't
know that you dealt with it, right m hm? And
then at some point later you realized that some of
the things that were happening in your life maybe because
of that. Right did I hear that?
Speaker 2 (13:15):
M hm?
Speaker 1 (13:18):
When did you realize that?
Speaker 2 (13:20):
When I was in undergrad college?
Speaker 1 (13:26):
What was your clue? How did you How did you
know at that age set like some of the stating.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Someone and he wanted to break up and I didn't
want him to and I hit him and I realized
that wasn't me, and I didn't want to be that person.
(13:55):
But I knew, like you know, some of the things
that I experienced what was making me violent at that point.
So that was kind of the first clue.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
What did you do about it? When you realize like
I'm being violent and I don't want to be, or
I got this trait and I don't want to have it,
What did you do about it?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
I went to therapy. They had like free therapy on campus,
so I went.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
Did you find it useful?
Speaker 2 (14:27):
It was useful. I don't know that I I probably
could have kept going for a longer period of time,
but I went for several sessions and I found that
it was helpful.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
What was the therapist doing that you found helpful or
what came of it that you found helpful?
Speaker 2 (14:44):
I guess, you know, she was just connecting some of
the dots for me with my childhood and the things
that I was doing, and as not minded, it was
like this is like over twenty years ago, but right
(15:06):
she you know, she just kind of gave me a
space to talk through some of those things that I
was dealing with at that time.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Gotcha, did you feel after that like you could live
a life in the way you wanted to or were
you still kind of held back by those experiences?
Speaker 2 (15:24):
I felt, I mean I felt at that time that
you know, I was moven in the right direction. Yeah,
I felt I felt that the Countulman was helpful.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
And yeah, how did you know back then that you
were moving in the right direction? So you knew there
was a problem because and I think the way you
were said that that wasn't me and you addressed the
problem of going to counseling, and you got the opportunity
(15:55):
to like speak and talk through it. And then you
said I was in the right direction. How did you
know you were going in the right direction.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Because I was making better choices as far as relationships
went after that.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
How did you know they were good choices?
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Because I felt that there wasn't like if something happened,
I wasn't letting the anger get the best of me.
I wasn't letting you know what someone was doing trouble
me so much?
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Can I tell you why I'm a counselor have I
ever told you this?
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Do you remember what I said?
Speaker 2 (16:44):
It is that you had a difficult childhood and you
wanted to help people figure things out the way you
figure things out for yourself. It's something along his lines.
Everybody said a little bit bit more eloquently.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
No, No, that was perfectly eloquent. That's what I said.
But I don't think I was specific. My father was
very abusive, and when people ask me for how long,
I say from the formation of my memory tw when
I was nineteen, So I don't remember a time in
between there where there was an abuse in my home.
And the reason I'm telling you this is because you've
(17:18):
now done something really incredible, because I know personally firsthand
how hard it is to go through those experiences. And
then I had anger issues too in my you know,
teenage years and early twenties. And you're saying I started
making good decisions and when when like difficult things happened,
(17:39):
I didn't let them bother me. How did you do that?
Speaker 2 (17:44):
I guess it's just the mindsetshift of like taking ownership
and accountability for your actions, and that's it. You know,
you can't really control what anybody else does, right, you know,
just can't point the finger, you know, like, this is
my life and I'm with a enjoy it and make
(18:06):
the best out of it, and I'm not gonna let
what other people are doing compromise my experience. Not to
say I didn't get angry after that. I'm sure you're healing,
but I think at that age I started to kind
of shift my mindset.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Okay, now you said to me today like, I'm not
sure this is gonna be enough, and I'm not sure
it's going in the right direction. If your mindset shifted again,
how would you notice it? Like if your mindset shifted
now to make you like I'm responsible for my own actions.
(18:50):
I'm gonna enjoy my life. I'm gonna make decisions I
can be pleased with. How would you notice it if
that same kind of a mind shift happen now? How
would you be aware of it?
Speaker 2 (19:04):
Mm hmm. I mean, I guess I'd be implementing some
of the things to talk about and taking a little
bit better care of myself.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Okay, and taking better care of yourself. How like? What
what things would you notice yourself doing that would feel
to you like you were taking better care of yourself?
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
Exercising, praying, it's like the it's like the working out
we were talking about.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
Before, Yeah, working out, praying more, being more present, some
of those Aboucin eighty that we talked about, things like.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
That, Yeah, what would you pray for? You said praying?
I don't think i've ever heard you say that. What
would you what would you pray about?
Speaker 2 (19:58):
I'm sorry, what's that?
Speaker 1 (20:00):
It's okay? Is it okay that I asked that? Mm
hmm okay.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
I guess I would pray to be to live my
fullest best life.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Mm hmmm.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
That I would want to be person that when God
looks at my life, he says, I gave you all
these talents, I gave you all these blessings and you
used them, and I'm proud of you.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
Oh my goodness, Jalen. Who how would you impact your
life to be saying a prayer like that?
Speaker 2 (20:56):
Mhm man, I will hope that it would encourage me
to live that type.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
Of life, right, And how would impact your life to
know that the like God was proud of you for
using the talent and blessings the way He intended you
to use them.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
I mean, that would be beautiful. That would be a
great thing.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
Have you Have you always been a person that that
praise throughout your life?
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Yes? But I don't work. I guess I'm just working
on trying to find my own words in prayer because
sometimes I pray, you know, like the Lord's Prayer or
Psalm switting three and things like that. But I would
(22:02):
like to become a I would like to use words
that I connect with that I feel are empowering. And
I mean, obviously, you know, Lord's Prayer is an excellent
prayer and that's what God gave us. But I also
want to be able to pray over myself and my
(22:25):
family with the words that I choose on my own.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Gotcha, how long have you had that desire?
Speaker 2 (22:36):
It's been a while. I mean, I feel like I
do it. But it's so funny, Like there's are so
many things in this world I guess you could be
jealous of. But there's this girl that I've known for
a very long time, and we always end up kind
of going to the same churches, not as girls. She
(22:58):
ain't no girl, She's grown woman. She can pray her
butt off like she be praying, and I'm like, whatever
she's praying for is gonna happen. She know how to pray.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
I am. I am a whole forty seven years old.
I've heard people jealous of other people's house, money, card.
I've never in my life heard anybody jealous about somebody
else praise.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Let me tell you you heard her pray and be like,
I won't pray like.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
That too, Okay. So I've got to ask you, though,
what what is she doing when she prays that makes
you say whatever she's praying for is gonna happen. What
is she doing that makes you think.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
She just so passionate? And the words that she chooses,
they're just like they're just so powerful. It's like, I
don't know, she just seems like she's choosing all the
right words and she just really truly believes and what
she's and it's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
Does she know that you think this about the way
she praise me? You just kind of are you just jealous?
In silence watching?
Speaker 2 (24:10):
Yeah, I never told her.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
Okay, maybe do you consider her a friend or is
it just somebody you just kind of see in passing.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
She's kind of like, I mean, like we don't talk
on the phone or anything like that. But I've known
her for a very long time, very long.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
Gotcha? And what about you? Where'd you learn how to pray? Who?
Who taught you that this was really important?
Speaker 2 (24:37):
Oh? My grandmother actually taught me the Lord's Prayer when
I was very young, so I've known it for a
long time. And then I went to a Catholic high school,
so as I learned a little bit there, and I
used to go to church with my aunt and only
(25:01):
way because I wanted to hang out with my cousin.
But I guess I picked up a little bit along
the way while I was at church too.
Speaker 1 (25:09):
Were you close to your grandma.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
Mm hmm, not really my grandmother. I think when I
think about the things in my life, like I said,
there's been multiple things that I think have chipped away
at myself worth, my self value, and I would say
she kind of has done a little bit of that.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
One of those things. Huh.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
Yeah, she definitely contributed in her own way. I don't
know if she's.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
Well.
Speaker 2 (25:46):
I think she has some mental health issues. I would
say she's probably bipolar and just never been diagnosed. But
she is a woman that can build you up, and
she is a woman that can tear you down.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
But she's the one who introd introduced you to prayer, yes,
and specifically taught you the Lord's prayer?
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
Would you mind sharing the Lord's Prayer real quick? Can
I hear it?
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Seriously?
Speaker 1 (26:24):
Yeah? You know?
Speaker 2 (26:28):
Oh my god. My son knows it too. His father
taught it to him and he sounds so cute when
he says it. I'm not gonna probably sound as cute
as he does, but I'll share it. Our Father, who
are in heaven, ill will be thy name, the Kingdom
come and will be done on earth as it does
in heaven. Give us this day our daily prayer, and
(26:51):
forgive us how TransPasses, as we forget those who transpass
against us. Lead it's not into temptation, but deliver us
from evil. For thou or the kingdom, the power in
the glory forever or never came in.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
Wow, you you do know it? That's that's that's lying. No, No,
I wanted to see if you could make me jealous
with the way you pray. No, I'm just kidding. No,
I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
That's funny.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
How often do you say that prayer?
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Pretty often because we say it with our kid at night.
So it's not my favorite prayer though, to be honest
with you, it's not your favorite. It's not. I think
it's important, but I think there's other prayers in the
Bible that I connect more with.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
Right, I won't make you say another one. But what what?
What would you say is your favorite prayer?
Speaker 2 (27:58):
Oh? Son swety three?
Speaker 1 (28:03):
How do you know when God is answering your prayer?
You know?
Speaker 2 (28:11):
Mm hmmmm, He's been answering my prayer all my life?
Speaker 1 (28:20):
How do you know that? That's an interesting answer, He's
been He's been answering my prayers all my life. How
do you know that.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
Because I'm here. I'm here like I've had too many
things happen that could have went so different, and I
know that somebody protecting me, and I want to say
it to him, you know, I do think you know,
(28:51):
the ancestors have a part in that too, But I
definitely feel like it's definitely been things that could have
been a whole lot worse and it weren't. And even
the things that were bad, I feel like I've been
able to still maintain some type of hope, some type
(29:17):
of insanity. So so I would say, you know, it's
been present.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
What happens to you when you remind yourself of that
that even in the bad moment, somebody must be protecting me.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
I mean, it's a it's a it's a good thing
to know. It makes me feel like I could do anything.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
I've had some really bad things happen to me, and sometimes,
if I'm being totally honest, sometimes I feel like like
a victim mentality, like why that happened to me? Like
I just want to be a regular person, and it
felt like I was getting challenges that people around me
weren't getting right. Does that resonate with.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
You, yes, yes, absolutely, And.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
Then you just said something that really touched me. And
you said, like I asked you, how do you know
when your prayers be an answered? You said, they're always
be an answer because everything I've been through, the fact
that I'm here, somebody must be watching over me, like
you did say that, right, m Yeah, And it really
(30:48):
touched me when you said that, Like I could feel
myself getting emotional because when I think about, even in
my darkest moments, I'm still being and protected. And then
a word I'm going to introduce that you didn't say,
but I just want to share this with you, and
then you respond, I'm also being prepared for something.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Yeah, that's good.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
When I remind myself of that, it makes me feel
more resilient and more hopeful when I'm when I'm not
as in contact with that thought, it's easier to sink down.
Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (31:26):
Mm hm.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
So that's why I wanted to know from you, Like
when you remind yourself even in my dark, difficult moments,
I'm still being covered and protected. What happens to you
when you remember that?
Speaker 2 (31:44):
I mean, I want to say that it encourages me,
and it inspires me, and it makes me want to
go out and just live my best life. But honestly,
that's not where I am right now. Okay, I think
in the past has made me feel that way, but
(32:04):
right now I just feel like I do know those things,
and I do I believe they're important and but I
guess that's why I started crying when you asked me about,
you know, the prayer that I said that I won't
want God to be proud of me because I don't
know how to navigate this space that I'm in. So
(32:30):
I'm just like you do you do? You know? You
do have talents and you have been blessed, but you're
still not over these thoughts feelings. So that bothers me
because I don't want to be like this.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
How would you rather be?
Speaker 2 (32:55):
Still working on that? What that? What that looks like?
I just know I don't want this, but I'm still
trying to figure out what. You know, what is it
that I really really really want?
Speaker 1 (33:14):
What do you think God wants for you?
Speaker 2 (33:27):
I think he wants me to not worry when he
wants me to Yea, he told us he has a
plan for our life, right it is a good plan,
So I think he wants us to people want me
(33:50):
to believe in that and not worry about just kind
of let things just kind of don't let it go.
But he stops stressing and over stuff. I'll stress it
over the future.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
How what difference would it make in your life if
you replaced belief in the plan, even if you don't
understand the plan. But if you replace belief in the
plan with that fear and worry that you currently have,
(34:32):
how would that make a difference in your life?
Speaker 2 (34:44):
Yes, I would be just a little less stress, a
little less stress, a little more lighthearted, a little more
I don't know. I mean, when you live off of
faith and belief, you don't you don't have to worry, right,
(35:07):
you don't have to because you believe that everything's going
to work out. And I do believe that. I do
believe that, But I still be stressed out because I'm
trying to I'm trying to do I'm trying to do something.
You know, I'm trying to. I want to. I want
(35:30):
to be happy, and I want to be healthy, and
I want to be someone that my children look up to.
And I also want to make sure that they're in
a different position financially that than we were when we
were younger. So I'm trying. I'm really trying to work
on something here, and but sometimes it's just really hard
(35:55):
for me to not get stressed over that because I
feel like my time is is limited, Like I'm in
my forties. There's a lot of shit that I need
to get done, you know, and I'm I feel like
I've wasted a lot of time with my current relationship,
and I just I feel like now I gotta like
(36:19):
go faster and go harder because I've wasted time with
this guy, and I don't I don't know, like these
are serious things that I feel like I need to do,
and it's hard for me sometimes to just be like chill,
like everything's gonna be okay.
Speaker 1 (36:43):
What do you think God wants you to do with
that thought? Because I if you and I wonder what
you think about this, But like if I trust and
believe in the plan, then that means there's no such
thing as wasted time because everything we did was a
part of the plans. That makes sense.
Speaker 2 (37:00):
Mm hmmm.
Speaker 1 (37:01):
So how do you imagine God would want you to
think about these things? Because I don't imagine he'd want
you to think you were wasting your time and you
got to hurry up and make up for it. Like
if it's if it's all part of the plan, there's
no waste.
Speaker 2 (37:14):
Of time, right, But are my bad decisions part of
the plan? I would say, yes, Well, I guess I
need to sit with that a little bit, you know.
Speaker 1 (37:31):
And can I tell you why I would say yes,
mm hmm, Because in those bad decisions, do you remember
early when I said I'm going to introduce a word
you didn't say, and I use the word prepare mm hmm.
In those bad decisions are lessons that you get to
apply further down the road. And I've made so many
(37:54):
bad decisions I didn't want to tell you, but it all.
Sometimes I've made a bad decision and then later on
I was like, oh, that's why I needed that lesson.
Like at the time I made the bad decision, I
was frustrated, I was disappointed in myself, sometimes ashamed and embarrassed,
(38:16):
and then down the road, I would literally be like, oh,
that's why I needed that lesson, And it turned out
it wasn't a bad decision. It was just part of
the overall plan, you know. So I was wondering what
happened when you when you start thinking about those things
(38:39):
in that context. I don't think. I don't think God
wants us to worry and stress.
Speaker 2 (38:48):
He doesn't, he tells us. He tells us specifically that
he doesn't want us to Okay, he tells us right there,
it's like, who have you both? Worrying can add one
single moment to your life or one day to your life.
It tells us, like, I take care of the birds,
I take care of grass in the field. Why wouldn't
(39:11):
I take care of you?
Speaker 1 (39:12):
You know, even hearing you said that, like it did
something to me. What was it like for you to
say that, because I can tell you what it was
like for me to even hear it.
Speaker 2 (39:22):
I mean, it's dope. It's like, yo, you know you
know you're taking care of you know that no matter
what you go through, you know, the higher Power is
concerned about you, and it's concerned about your well being.
And that's no matter what you go through, right, And
(39:42):
no matter how insignificant you think you are, you're not
You're not insignificant.
Speaker 1 (39:52):
No, No, I'm so grateful that I got to sit
here with you today and hear you say that I
took care of the birds and the grass. What makes
you think I wouldn't take care of you? Huh? How
(40:15):
often do you read the Bible?
Speaker 2 (40:19):
I don't, actually, which is why I probably jacked up
that verse. But but I used to.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
I didn't expect you to say that. Made you say that? Okay,
so we just have a couple of minutes left. What
if what if Jaylen getting on the right path and
(40:53):
taking care of herself isn't about like extra What if
it's about prayer. What if it's about the Bible. What
if it's about reminding yourself that God is with you
and taking care of you even in the hard moments.
(41:18):
What if we were what if we were just missing
the boat altogether. Maybe it has nothing to do with
worldly things, and maybe it has everything to do with
spiritual things. I'm just curious. I'm just you know, wondering.
Speaker 2 (41:31):
I think it's both. I think, you know, the spiritual
part is very important, right, but if I'm not taking
care of myself, this is this body that God gave me.
It is the only home I'm ever going to have
right here, right If I'm not taking care of that,
(41:54):
I mean, that's I just feel like they both kind
of serve their purpose.
Speaker 1 (41:59):
I I completely agree with you. But I guess my
point would be, or my wonderment would be, what if
the spiritual taking care of Jay leads to the physical
taking care of Jay?
Speaker 2 (42:10):
Right right? It's possible, because.
Speaker 1 (42:14):
It's very different. I mean, even the way you worded that,
it's very different. If someone would say, hey, J, wake
up tomorrow and exercise, that's very different than hey J,
wake up and take care of the body God gave you.
Those are two very different things. Yeah, you know what
I mean. But I noticed in our comm like something
(42:35):
happens to you when you remember that you're being taken
care of, like something I could there's an energy like
a charisma and a smile and like something that something
happens to you. I don't know describe it. And I
think it's wonderful. I think it's beautiful. I think it's
amazing this thing that happens when you sit in that
(42:59):
space for a minute. Because I've never heard you describe
your body in that way, like this is the body
God gave me. Now you have talked about I need
to move more and the basement of but you've never
described your body as the only thing you're ever going
to like you're only home, and that's a very different experience.
(43:22):
So I just wonder, can we just spend some time
between now and the next time we meet of you
like engaging in the spiritual part of your journey and
seeing what that does to your experience, Because I believe, very,
very passionately, even the bad things that happen and the
(43:45):
hard things that happen and the challenges we face are
part of the experience, and they're part of the journey,
and they're there to prepare us for something or to
teach us something or to and there is no such
thing as wasted time because it was all part of
the journey, right, Yeah, Can we would that be okay?
(44:06):
Can we just measure success between now and the next
time we talk by how you think about your experience
spiritually and we'll let that lead to the physical manifestation
of exercising and you know all the other things.
Speaker 2 (44:23):
Well, I can work on that the next week and.
Speaker 1 (44:28):
The next time I talk to you, I'm going to
ask you. I want to know. I want to know
about your prayers, and I want to know about your
relationship with Christ, and I want to know I want
to know how you're perceiving your experiences when you start
remembering that everything that happens is for the purposes of
(44:49):
the journey. It's all a part of the plan. And
I and I can't tell you how many times something
really bad has happened that I did not understand. And
sometimes it's my fault. I made a stupid, silly decision.
Da da da, And then a little while later I
was like, oh, that's why that thing had to happen.
(45:09):
So now I don't fret over whether it's a good
experience or a bad experience. I just accept it's all
part of the plan.
Speaker 2 (45:15):
Kay. Yeah, I'm trying to get to that.
Speaker 1 (45:22):
That way of thinking, Well, that's exactly what we asked
you the next time we talk.
Speaker 2 (45:30):
Okay, all right, thank you.
Speaker 1 (45:40):
For Jay and people like Jay. Growth is a challenge,
or probably more specifically, a better way to say that is,
recognizing your growth is a challenge. When you've had pain, trauma, abandonment, struggles, abuse,
tragedy in your past, you have a tendency to be
(46:00):
far more aware of your flaws than you are your talents.
I don't think I've ever met a person more deserving
of having her strengths recognized than Jay. The woman is
incredibly ambitious, incredibly talented, incredibly educated and accomplished, but yet
because of her past experiences, she has a tendency to
(46:23):
only notice her flaws and failures when she looks at herself.
True growth is recognizing the strength in the overcoming rather
than paying too much attention to the struggles themselves. That
is the block that Jay is experiencing, and I suspect
the block that many people experience in their pursuit of progress.
(46:47):
What I want Jay to recognize and so many others
is when you start noticing and giving yourself credit for
your progress in spite of challenges, you actually feel even
better because now you start celebrating not only did I
accomplish something, but I accomplish something while there was an
(47:09):
obstacle present. That is the tool, that is the challenge,
That is the task that I want all people, including Jay,
to recognize, because once you're able to do that, your
self esteem, your progress, your growth, and your mental health
will all get better. I think a victim mentality is
(47:37):
a real thing, but I think people talking about it
and pointing it out is so absent of compassion. If
I've had a childhood where there wasn't a lot of
cheerleading going on, and there wasn't a lot of support
around me.
Speaker 2 (47:54):
And.
Speaker 1 (47:55):
It seemed like I was experiencing an overfrequent, like an
overly frequent amount of pain and struggle. You start feeling
like life is happening to you instead of for you,
And I think of victim mentality is believing that I
don't really have a lot of control over what happens
(48:16):
to me. But here's the important thing I want everybody
to hear. There are justifiable reasons for people to believe that.
Because if at a very very young age, when you
don't have a lot of control over your circumstances, it
seemed like you were getting hit with life struggle after
life's struggle, then it makes sense that you grow up
(48:37):
thinking life is happening to me instead of for me.
On the contrary, if you grew up with a lot
of praise and support and warmth and love, you develop
the ability to a think positively of yourself and b
find opportunities as you navigate through life. But there is
(48:58):
a large amount of people that at very important developmental stages,
every time they turned around there was trauma, tragedy, abuse,
and struggle. How can we possibly anticipate that that person
would grow up with an internal locus of control. How
(49:19):
could we possibly expect that person to grow up believing
that they can just do things, that they could just
create things, that they could just make life what they
want it to be. So that is where the victim
mentality usually comes from, an overexposure to pain and trauma
during very key developmental stages in life, specifically in childhood.
(49:44):
So what we have to do is help people to
overcome that and realize regardless of your past, regardless of
your circumstances, life can still be whatever it is you
make it. You can still create a future that you
would be pleased to have. You just have to get
into a space where you are healed from what happened
(50:07):
to you in the past, and then you'll be able
to see opportunity even in your struggle. I think in
this session we paid a lot of attention to and
focused a lot on faith and God and those sorts
of things. Because that's a reference point in Jay's life.
It might not be a reference point in everyone's life,
(50:29):
and that's okay. I think the reason why is because
therapy needing to be about change. We have to talk
about the things in people's lives that they use to
drive them towards change. For some people, it's faith and
it's God, and it's a desire to live in congruence
to your spiritual beliefs. In other people, it might be
(50:53):
what your grandmother believes about you, or it might be
the thing that drives you most is proving people who
have doubted you wrong or proving people who believed in
you right. It doesn't really matter, Like I don't want
people to get hung up on The technique in this
session was to focus on God. That's not true. The
technique in this session was to focus on the things
(51:16):
that are strong levers towards change. And in one person
it might be living a life of faith and living
congruent to your spiritual beliefs, and in another person, it
might be working as hard as you possibly can to
prove somebody who believes in you right. So if you
don't resonate with a religious or spiritual message, that is
(51:37):
perfectly okay. Just think about what are the things that
are the strongest drives towards your change in your life life.
This is not just a podcast that I want you
to consume and be entertained by I actually want you
to be inspired. I want you to be impacted by this,
(51:57):
and in fact, we can't help but be impacted by
the content we consume. So what I would like for
you to do is come on this healing journey with us,
Come on this journey of change rediscovery with us. And
the way to do that is to just pay attention
to the things going on in your life as a
consequence of listening to this podcast. Pay attention to things
(52:20):
in your life shifting in a more desirable way. Pay
attention to your desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention
to evidence of your success, your resilience, and your strength.
And let us know in the comments what you're noticing
in your life as a result of listening to this
podcast and as a result of paying attention to these things.
(52:41):
I would love to.
Speaker 3 (52:41):
Hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and
your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with
me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also
send me a text message to nine seven two four
six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a production
of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network. Special thanks
to our assistant Glendale, Seppe. It's produced by jac Quise
(53:04):
Thomas and the executive producer Dolly s.
Speaker 1 (53:06):
S Fisham. For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit
the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
The content presented on The Family Therapy Podcast serves solely
for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered
a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and
does not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable
to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for
(53:29):
any specific concerns or questions you may have.
Please note this episode speaks on abuse, both sexual and physical.
Please be prepared for any potential triggers or sensitivities that
may come up while listening. The practice to alleviate negative
thoughts is to actually exercise the muscle of creating and
focusing on positive thoughts. The human brain is actually a
(00:21):
negative thought engine, like, we do better at thinking about
negative things, holding on to negative things, processing negative things,
so we actually have to work to counter that by
noticing positive things. We have a tendency. If I say
how is your day? Just to give you an example,
what I mean when I say the human brain is
a negative engine, we have a tendency. If I say
(00:41):
how is your day? You think about did anything negative
happen today? And if the answer to that question was no,
then you're like, oh, it's a pretty good day. You
have to be intentional about processing and thinking about positive things.
You have to be intentional about thinking about your achievements,
things you've accomplished, even small things. You have to be
intentional about celebrating those things. You have to be intentional
(01:05):
about giving verbiage to those things. An example of that
in a relationship context is if you walked into a
room and you saw your partner in there, and your
partner looked really really angry or really really sad, or
some negative emotion. We have a tendency to say, hey, partner,
what's wrong. But on the flip side, if you walked
(01:27):
into a room and your partner looked really really happy
or really really satisfied or really really content, we don't
have a tendency to say, hey, partner, what's right. So
the best way to alleviate negative thoughts is to create
habits around positive thoughts, both thinking about them and giving
verbage to them. Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliakhani.
(02:02):
What's been better since you listened to the previous episode?
This is always an important question as it shifts what
we notice to things that are progressing and more desirable
as opposed to problems. Today is spent directly with Jay
as she shares some impactful and sensitive information. There are
(02:23):
times when you're working with a family clinically where it
becomes appropriate to spend some time one on one with
each member of the family. The reason why this is
true is because a lot of times people have gone
through some really sensitive things that may impact the dynamic
amongst family members. This will oftentimes create anxiety, fear, and
(02:43):
even make the psychotherapy space unsafe, So it's important for
me as a clinician to always prioritize the safety of
the dynamic of the family and of the therapy process.
Once you are able to heal from some of those
past wounds while talking to the therapists individually, then it
becomes appropriate to reconvene as a family and continue moving forward. Therapy,
(03:08):
when done well, will oftentimes bring up triggers past traumas, tragedies, struggles,
and those things can sometimes have a negative impact on
therapy itself or the dynamic amongst the family members. So
oftentimes we meet with individuals to make sure we are
taking care of those sensitive topics with the level of
respect that they deserve. As often happens in therapy, Jay
(03:32):
speaks about having blocks and how it's preventing her from
moving forward and implementing the tools from the therapy. But despite that,
change is still prevalent. Change is always happening. It is
impossible to have the same day, same week, same month,
over and over and over again. One of the strengths
(03:54):
in therapy isn't so much about implementing the things that
came from therapy exactly, but actually noticing change happening in
your life and being able to pay extra special attention
to the kind of changes that you're experiencing as desirable
and giving yourself credit for those desirable changes. There's currently
(04:15):
a block happening with Jay where she's almost beating herself
up for not doing the things that came from therapy exactly, however,
not noticing that there are changes happening around her that
are positive and connected to who she is and what
she's doing. The process of therapy is to help her
notice those changes and give herself appropriate credit for them.
(04:41):
Other than feeling under the weather, what's been better?
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Not much. I didn't have a great week, okay.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
What took place?
Speaker 2 (04:56):
I don't know? That is so much? What has taken
place since? What's going to take place? So me and
my partner is separating, and that's happening this weekend. The
first property I bought, I'm in the process of selling it, okay,
and I feel kind of down about that. So those
(05:19):
two things together, I'm not in the best mood.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
M How have you managed.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Mm hmmm, I just you know, just keep moving forward.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
This obviously must be a difficult thing. How are you
pleased with the way you showed up during these difficult times?
Speaker 2 (05:41):
M hmmm, I don't know. I just I just realize
what needs to happen, and I'm trying to make these
things happen. I don't know that I'm please, they're displeased.
I'm just doing what needs to be done.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Okay, So how are you hoping today's conversation could make
a different for you? Like? What are your best hope
from talking with me today?
Speaker 2 (06:06):
To be honest, I kind of feel like I'm not
really sure what direction we're going in, Like I feel
like our conversations are really positive, but I don't know
if it's enough.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Okay, what direction would be like the conversations are go in.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
I don't I'm him, not a therapist, so I don't
know what needs to happen or what or what would
be best. But I guess I'm just wondering. I just
wonder if it's enough, like if it's gonna get me,
I guess in a better space by the time we'll finished.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
I got you. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.
I guess I would need your your feedback, like how
would you know you were heading in a direction that
worked for you and we're like in a better space, Like,
how would you know it was enough? You know what
I mean?
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Like?
Speaker 1 (07:04):
What would you be experiencing that would tell you that?
Speaker 2 (07:07):
Well? I feel like you're give me good ideas and
some tools, but I haven't really implemented them, and I
don't know like they're good tools, but the block is
still there as far as me applying them to my life.
So I don't know, like how do I get past
(07:29):
that block in order to use the tool that you're
giving me?
Speaker 1 (07:33):
What are you experiencing that tells you there's a block?
Speaker 2 (07:37):
Because I think about what our discussions and I see
like there's chances of opportunities for me to do the
things that you talk about, but I don't do them.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
How come? What do you think the block is?
Speaker 2 (07:55):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
How long have you been aware of the block? It's
gonna be a weird question, but how do you know
there's a block there?
Speaker 2 (08:07):
It's been a while years?
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Gosh, okay, and I'm gonna guess that you don't like
this block, right, like you'd prefer this to be removed? Yeah, okay,
I gotta push you a little bit. What do you
think is the cause of the block, Like, if you
were to dig deep and really think about it, what
(08:32):
do you think has caused the block?
Speaker 2 (08:36):
M hmmm, I don't know. I guess it's like a
self ware, self value kind of thing, okay, mm hmm.
At some point in life, I guess I just stopped
(09:00):
believing that I was worth that effort.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
M That sounds hard.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Mm hmmm.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Do you know when that happened?
Speaker 2 (09:12):
I don't know that it's one situation. I think it's
just like a multiple, like over the course of time.
So I don't know. I mean, I don't know why
I keep saying I don't know, but I do.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
No, no, No, it's okay.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Yeah, no, I just know. It's like one of those
feelers that I tend to use, is I don't know,
but you kind of do.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
No.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
Yeah, uh, that's just situations over the course of a lifetime,
situations like what I guess, Like, you know, dealing with
(10:06):
abuse at a young age.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Can I ask you a question about that?
Speaker 2 (10:13):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
When was the age you remember? Like you remember the
abuse starting?
Speaker 2 (10:27):
H Are you eleven eleven twelve? Like that?
Speaker 1 (10:37):
How did you get through it?
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Mm hmmm, mm hmm. How did I get through it?
I mean I did have therapy counseling at some point
to kind of deal with those feelings of being a
victim or whatever. So I guess when I was going
(11:10):
through it, I was just going through it, but I
don't know that I really dealt with it at that time.
But as I got older, I realized, you know, there's
some things happening that you know, maybe rooted in those experiences.
So I went to therapy at that time.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
By the way, like I have to ask you some
of these questions because it's my job, but if you
don't want me to, you can just tell me that,
you know, it's none of my business.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
It's fright, It's totally fine. That's what we're here for.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
How long did the abuse last?
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Well lived with the abuser for a couple of years.
I don't remember exactly. How long was he family or no,
my mom's ex boyfriend.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Was he ever held accountable? No? Does your mom know
that this happened?
Speaker 2 (12:22):
Yeah, she does. But because he wasn't just like sexually abusive,
but he also was a very violent person, So it
wasn't just that experience. It was him also you know,
hitting and punching, choking, whatever he felt like doing.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Wow, was it just you or any of your other
siblings targets.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
They did experience?
Speaker 1 (12:54):
Gotcha? And then you said something really powerful a minute ago,
and you said, like, while it was happening, you don't
know that you dealt with it, right m hm? And
then at some point later you realized that some of
the things that were happening in your life maybe because
of that. Right did I hear that?
Speaker 2 (13:15):
M hm?
Speaker 1 (13:18):
When did you realize that?
Speaker 2 (13:20):
When I was in undergrad college?
Speaker 1 (13:26):
What was your clue? How did you How did you
know at that age set like some of the stating.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Someone and he wanted to break up and I didn't
want him to and I hit him and I realized
that wasn't me, and I didn't want to be that person.
(13:55):
But I knew, like you know, some of the things
that I experienced what was making me violent at that point.
So that was kind of the first clue.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
What did you do about it? When you realize like
I'm being violent and I don't want to be, or
I got this trait and I don't want to have it,
What did you do about it?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
I went to therapy. They had like free therapy on campus,
so I went.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
Did you find it useful?
Speaker 2 (14:27):
It was useful. I don't know that I I probably
could have kept going for a longer period of time,
but I went for several sessions and I found that
it was helpful.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
What was the therapist doing that you found helpful or
what came of it that you found helpful?
Speaker 2 (14:44):
I guess, you know, she was just connecting some of
the dots for me with my childhood and the things
that I was doing, and as not minded, it was
like this is like over twenty years ago, but right
(15:06):
she you know, she just kind of gave me a
space to talk through some of those things that I
was dealing with at that time.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Gotcha, did you feel after that like you could live
a life in the way you wanted to or were
you still kind of held back by those experiences?
Speaker 2 (15:24):
I felt, I mean I felt at that time that
you know, I was moven in the right direction. Yeah,
I felt I felt that the Countulman was helpful.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
And yeah, how did you know back then that you
were moving in the right direction? So you knew there
was a problem because and I think the way you
were said that that wasn't me and you addressed the
problem of going to counseling, and you got the opportunity
(15:55):
to like speak and talk through it. And then you
said I was in the right direction. How did you
know you were going in the right direction.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Because I was making better choices as far as relationships
went after that.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
How did you know they were good choices?
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Because I felt that there wasn't like if something happened,
I wasn't letting the anger get the best of me.
I wasn't letting you know what someone was doing trouble
me so much?
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Can I tell you why I'm a counselor have I
ever told you this?
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Do you remember what I said?
Speaker 2 (16:44):
It is that you had a difficult childhood and you
wanted to help people figure things out the way you
figure things out for yourself. It's something along his lines.
Everybody said a little bit bit more eloquently.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
No, No, that was perfectly eloquent. That's what I said.
But I don't think I was specific. My father was
very abusive, and when people ask me for how long,
I say from the formation of my memory tw when
I was nineteen, So I don't remember a time in
between there where there was an abuse in my home.
And the reason I'm telling you this is because you've
(17:18):
now done something really incredible, because I know personally firsthand
how hard it is to go through those experiences. And
then I had anger issues too in my you know,
teenage years and early twenties. And you're saying I started
making good decisions and when when like difficult things happened,
(17:39):
I didn't let them bother me. How did you do that?
Speaker 2 (17:44):
I guess it's just the mindsetshift of like taking ownership
and accountability for your actions, and that's it. You know,
you can't really control what anybody else does, right, you know,
just can't point the finger, you know, like, this is
my life and I'm with a enjoy it and make
(18:06):
the best out of it, and I'm not gonna let
what other people are doing compromise my experience. Not to
say I didn't get angry after that. I'm sure you're healing,
but I think at that age I started to kind
of shift my mindset.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Okay, now you said to me today like, I'm not
sure this is gonna be enough, and I'm not sure
it's going in the right direction. If your mindset shifted again,
how would you notice it? Like if your mindset shifted
now to make you like I'm responsible for my own actions.
(18:50):
I'm gonna enjoy my life. I'm gonna make decisions I
can be pleased with. How would you notice it if
that same kind of a mind shift happen now? How
would you be aware of it?
Speaker 2 (19:04):
Mm hmm. I mean, I guess I'd be implementing some
of the things to talk about and taking a little
bit better care of myself.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Okay, and taking better care of yourself. How like? What
what things would you notice yourself doing that would feel
to you like you were taking better care of yourself?
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
Exercising, praying, it's like the it's like the working out
we were talking about.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
Before, Yeah, working out, praying more, being more present, some
of those Aboucin eighty that we talked about, things like.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
That, Yeah, what would you pray for? You said praying?
I don't think i've ever heard you say that. What
would you what would you pray about?
Speaker 2 (19:58):
I'm sorry, what's that?
Speaker 1 (20:00):
It's okay? Is it okay that I asked that? Mm
hmm okay.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
I guess I would pray to be to live my
fullest best life.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Mm hmmm.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
That I would want to be person that when God
looks at my life, he says, I gave you all
these talents, I gave you all these blessings and you
used them, and I'm proud of you.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
Oh my goodness, Jalen. Who how would you impact your
life to be saying a prayer like that?
Speaker 2 (20:56):
Mhm man, I will hope that it would encourage me
to live that type.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
Of life, right, And how would impact your life to
know that the like God was proud of you for
using the talent and blessings the way He intended you
to use them.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
I mean, that would be beautiful. That would be a
great thing.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
Have you Have you always been a person that that
praise throughout your life?
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Yes? But I don't work. I guess I'm just working
on trying to find my own words in prayer because
sometimes I pray, you know, like the Lord's Prayer or
Psalm switting three and things like that. But I would
(22:02):
like to become a I would like to use words
that I connect with that I feel are empowering. And
I mean, obviously, you know, Lord's Prayer is an excellent
prayer and that's what God gave us. But I also
want to be able to pray over myself and my
(22:25):
family with the words that I choose on my own.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Gotcha, how long have you had that desire?
Speaker 2 (22:36):
It's been a while. I mean, I feel like I
do it. But it's so funny, Like there's are so
many things in this world I guess you could be
jealous of. But there's this girl that I've known for
a very long time, and we always end up kind
of going to the same churches, not as girls. She
(22:58):
ain't no girl, She's grown woman. She can pray her
butt off like she be praying, and I'm like, whatever
she's praying for is gonna happen. She know how to pray.
Speaker 1 (23:13):
I am. I am a whole forty seven years old.
I've heard people jealous of other people's house, money, card.
I've never in my life heard anybody jealous about somebody
else praise.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Let me tell you you heard her pray and be like,
I won't pray like.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
That too, Okay. So I've got to ask you, though,
what what is she doing when she prays that makes
you say whatever she's praying for is gonna happen. What
is she doing that makes you think.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
She just so passionate? And the words that she chooses,
they're just like they're just so powerful. It's like, I
don't know, she just seems like she's choosing all the
right words and she just really truly believes and what
she's and it's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
Does she know that you think this about the way
she praise me? You just kind of are you just jealous?
In silence watching?
Speaker 2 (24:10):
Yeah, I never told her.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
Okay, maybe do you consider her a friend or is
it just somebody you just kind of see in passing.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
She's kind of like, I mean, like we don't talk
on the phone or anything like that. But I've known
her for a very long time, very long.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
Gotcha? And what about you? Where'd you learn how to pray? Who?
Who taught you that this was really important?
Speaker 2 (24:37):
Oh? My grandmother actually taught me the Lord's Prayer when
I was very young, so I've known it for a
long time. And then I went to a Catholic high school,
so as I learned a little bit there, and I
used to go to church with my aunt and only
(25:01):
way because I wanted to hang out with my cousin.
But I guess I picked up a little bit along
the way while I was at church too.
Speaker 1 (25:09):
Were you close to your grandma.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
Mm hmm, not really my grandmother. I think when I
think about the things in my life, like I said,
there's been multiple things that I think have chipped away
at myself worth, my self value, and I would say
she kind of has done a little bit of that.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
One of those things. Huh.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
Yeah, she definitely contributed in her own way. I don't
know if she's.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
Well.
Speaker 2 (25:46):
I think she has some mental health issues. I would
say she's probably bipolar and just never been diagnosed. But
she is a woman that can build you up, and
she is a woman that can tear you down.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
But she's the one who introd introduced you to prayer, yes,
and specifically taught you the Lord's prayer?
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
Would you mind sharing the Lord's Prayer real quick? Can
I hear it?
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Seriously?
Speaker 1 (26:24):
Yeah? You know?
Speaker 2 (26:28):
Oh my god. My son knows it too. His father
taught it to him and he sounds so cute when
he says it. I'm not gonna probably sound as cute
as he does, but I'll share it. Our Father, who
are in heaven, ill will be thy name, the Kingdom
come and will be done on earth as it does
in heaven. Give us this day our daily prayer, and
(26:51):
forgive us how TransPasses, as we forget those who transpass
against us. Lead it's not into temptation, but deliver us
from evil. For thou or the kingdom, the power in
the glory forever or never came in.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
Wow, you you do know it? That's that's that's lying. No, No,
I wanted to see if you could make me jealous
with the way you pray. No, I'm just kidding. No,
I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2 (27:22):
That's funny.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
How often do you say that prayer?
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Pretty often because we say it with our kid at night.
So it's not my favorite prayer though, to be honest
with you, it's not your favorite. It's not. I think
it's important, but I think there's other prayers in the
Bible that I connect more with.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
Right, I won't make you say another one. But what what?
What would you say is your favorite prayer?
Speaker 2 (27:58):
Oh? Son swety three?
Speaker 1 (28:03):
How do you know when God is answering your prayer?
You know?
Speaker 2 (28:11):
Mm hmmmm, He's been answering my prayer all my life?
Speaker 1 (28:20):
How do you know that? That's an interesting answer, He's
been He's been answering my prayers all my life. How
do you know that.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
Because I'm here. I'm here like I've had too many
things happen that could have went so different, and I
know that somebody protecting me, and I want to say
it to him, you know, I do think you know,
(28:51):
the ancestors have a part in that too, But I
definitely feel like it's definitely been things that could have
been a whole lot worse and it weren't. And even
the things that were bad, I feel like I've been
able to still maintain some type of hope, some type
(29:17):
of insanity. So so I would say, you know, it's
been present.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
What happens to you when you remind yourself of that
that even in the bad moment, somebody must be protecting me.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
I mean, it's a it's a it's a good thing
to know. It makes me feel like I could do anything.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
I've had some really bad things happen to me, and sometimes,
if I'm being totally honest, sometimes I feel like like
a victim mentality, like why that happened to me? Like
I just want to be a regular person, and it
felt like I was getting challenges that people around me
weren't getting right. Does that resonate with.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
You, yes, yes, absolutely, And.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
Then you just said something that really touched me. And
you said, like I asked you, how do you know
when your prayers be an answered? You said, they're always
be an answer because everything I've been through, the fact
that I'm here, somebody must be watching over me, like
you did say that, right, m Yeah, And it really
(30:48):
touched me when you said that, Like I could feel
myself getting emotional because when I think about, even in
my darkest moments, I'm still being and protected. And then
a word I'm going to introduce that you didn't say,
but I just want to share this with you, and
then you respond, I'm also being prepared for something.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Yeah, that's good.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
When I remind myself of that, it makes me feel
more resilient and more hopeful when I'm when I'm not
as in contact with that thought, it's easier to sink down.
Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (31:26):
Mm hm.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
So that's why I wanted to know from you, Like
when you remind yourself even in my dark, difficult moments,
I'm still being covered and protected. What happens to you
when you remember that?
Speaker 2 (31:44):
I mean, I want to say that it encourages me,
and it inspires me, and it makes me want to
go out and just live my best life. But honestly,
that's not where I am right now. Okay, I think
in the past has made me feel that way, but
(32:04):
right now I just feel like I do know those things,
and I do I believe they're important and but I
guess that's why I started crying when you asked me about,
you know, the prayer that I said that I won't
want God to be proud of me because I don't
know how to navigate this space that I'm in. So
(32:30):
I'm just like you do you do? You know? You
do have talents and you have been blessed, but you're
still not over these thoughts feelings. So that bothers me
because I don't want to be like this.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
How would you rather be?
Speaker 2 (32:55):
Still working on that? What that? What that looks like?
I just know I don't want this, but I'm still
trying to figure out what. You know, what is it
that I really really really want?
Speaker 1 (33:14):
What do you think God wants for you?
Speaker 2 (33:27):
I think he wants me to not worry when he
wants me to Yea, he told us he has a
plan for our life, right it is a good plan,
So I think he wants us to people want me
(33:50):
to believe in that and not worry about just kind
of let things just kind of don't let it go.
But he stops stressing and over stuff. I'll stress it
over the future.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
How what difference would it make in your life if
you replaced belief in the plan, even if you don't
understand the plan. But if you replace belief in the
plan with that fear and worry that you currently have,
(34:32):
how would that make a difference in your life?
Speaker 2 (34:44):
Yes, I would be just a little less stress, a
little less stress, a little more lighthearted, a little more
I don't know. I mean, when you live off of
faith and belief, you don't you don't have to worry, right,
(35:07):
you don't have to because you believe that everything's going
to work out. And I do believe that. I do
believe that, But I still be stressed out because I'm
trying to I'm trying to do I'm trying to do something.
You know, I'm trying to. I want to. I want
(35:30):
to be happy, and I want to be healthy, and
I want to be someone that my children look up to.
And I also want to make sure that they're in
a different position financially that than we were when we
were younger. So I'm trying. I'm really trying to work
on something here, and but sometimes it's just really hard
(35:55):
for me to not get stressed over that because I
feel like my time is is limited, Like I'm in
my forties. There's a lot of shit that I need
to get done, you know, and I'm I feel like
I've wasted a lot of time with my current relationship,
and I just I feel like now I gotta like
(36:19):
go faster and go harder because I've wasted time with
this guy, and I don't I don't know, like these
are serious things that I feel like I need to do,
and it's hard for me sometimes to just be like chill,
like everything's gonna be okay.
Speaker 1 (36:43):
What do you think God wants you to do with
that thought? Because I if you and I wonder what
you think about this, But like if I trust and
believe in the plan, then that means there's no such
thing as wasted time because everything we did was a
part of the plans. That makes sense.
Speaker 2 (37:00):
Mm hmmm.
Speaker 1 (37:01):
So how do you imagine God would want you to
think about these things? Because I don't imagine he'd want
you to think you were wasting your time and you
got to hurry up and make up for it. Like
if it's if it's all part of the plan, there's
no waste.
Speaker 2 (37:14):
Of time, right, But are my bad decisions part of
the plan? I would say, yes, Well, I guess I
need to sit with that a little bit, you know.
Speaker 1 (37:31):
And can I tell you why I would say yes,
mm hmm, Because in those bad decisions, do you remember
early when I said I'm going to introduce a word
you didn't say, and I use the word prepare mm hmm.
In those bad decisions are lessons that you get to
apply further down the road. And I've made so many
(37:54):
bad decisions I didn't want to tell you, but it all.
Sometimes I've made a bad decision and then later on
I was like, oh, that's why I needed that lesson.
Like at the time I made the bad decision, I
was frustrated, I was disappointed in myself, sometimes ashamed and embarrassed,
(38:16):
and then down the road, I would literally be like, oh,
that's why I needed that lesson, And it turned out
it wasn't a bad decision. It was just part of
the overall plan, you know. So I was wondering what
happened when you when you start thinking about those things
(38:39):
in that context. I don't think. I don't think God
wants us to worry and stress.
Speaker 2 (38:48):
He doesn't, he tells us. He tells us specifically that
he doesn't want us to Okay, he tells us right there,
it's like, who have you both? Worrying can add one
single moment to your life or one day to your life.
It tells us, like, I take care of the birds,
I take care of grass in the field. Why wouldn't
(39:11):
I take care of you?
Speaker 1 (39:12):
You know, even hearing you said that, like it did
something to me. What was it like for you to
say that, because I can tell you what it was
like for me to even hear it.
Speaker 2 (39:22):
I mean, it's dope. It's like, yo, you know you
know you're taking care of you know that no matter
what you go through, you know, the higher Power is
concerned about you, and it's concerned about your well being.
And that's no matter what you go through, right, And
(39:42):
no matter how insignificant you think you are, you're not
You're not insignificant.
Speaker 1 (39:52):
No, No, I'm so grateful that I got to sit
here with you today and hear you say that I
took care of the birds and the grass. What makes
you think I wouldn't take care of you? Huh? How
(40:15):
often do you read the Bible?
Speaker 2 (40:19):
I don't, actually, which is why I probably jacked up
that verse. But but I used to.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
I didn't expect you to say that. Made you say that? Okay,
so we just have a couple of minutes left. What
if what if Jaylen getting on the right path and
(40:53):
taking care of herself isn't about like extra What if
it's about prayer. What if it's about the Bible. What
if it's about reminding yourself that God is with you
and taking care of you even in the hard moments.
(41:18):
What if we were what if we were just missing
the boat altogether. Maybe it has nothing to do with
worldly things, and maybe it has everything to do with
spiritual things. I'm just curious. I'm just you know, wondering.
Speaker 2 (41:31):
I think it's both. I think, you know, the spiritual
part is very important, right, but if I'm not taking
care of myself, this is this body that God gave me.
It is the only home I'm ever going to have
right here, right If I'm not taking care of that,
(41:54):
I mean, that's I just feel like they both kind
of serve their purpose.
Speaker 1 (41:59):
I I completely agree with you. But I guess my
point would be, or my wonderment would be, what if
the spiritual taking care of Jay leads to the physical
taking care of Jay?
Speaker 2 (42:10):
Right right? It's possible, because.
Speaker 1 (42:14):
It's very different. I mean, even the way you worded that,
it's very different. If someone would say, hey, J, wake
up tomorrow and exercise, that's very different than hey J,
wake up and take care of the body God gave you.
Those are two very different things. Yeah, you know what
I mean. But I noticed in our comm like something
(42:35):
happens to you when you remember that you're being taken
care of, like something I could there's an energy like
a charisma and a smile and like something that something
happens to you. I don't know describe it. And I
think it's wonderful. I think it's beautiful. I think it's
amazing this thing that happens when you sit in that
(42:59):
space for a minute. Because I've never heard you describe
your body in that way, like this is the body
God gave me. Now you have talked about I need
to move more and the basement of but you've never
described your body as the only thing you're ever going
to like you're only home, and that's a very different experience.
(43:22):
So I just wonder, can we just spend some time
between now and the next time we meet of you
like engaging in the spiritual part of your journey and
seeing what that does to your experience, Because I believe, very,
very passionately, even the bad things that happen and the
(43:45):
hard things that happen and the challenges we face are
part of the experience, and they're part of the journey,
and they're there to prepare us for something or to
teach us something or to and there is no such
thing as wasted time because it was all part of
the journey, right, Yeah, Can we would that be okay?
(44:06):
Can we just measure success between now and the next
time we talk by how you think about your experience
spiritually and we'll let that lead to the physical manifestation
of exercising and you know all the other things.
Speaker 2 (44:23):
Well, I can work on that the next week and.
Speaker 1 (44:28):
The next time I talk to you, I'm going to
ask you. I want to know. I want to know
about your prayers, and I want to know about your
relationship with Christ, and I want to know I want
to know how you're perceiving your experiences when you start
remembering that everything that happens is for the purposes of
(44:49):
the journey. It's all a part of the plan. And
I and I can't tell you how many times something
really bad has happened that I did not understand. And
sometimes it's my fault. I made a stupid, silly decision.
Da da da, And then a little while later I
was like, oh, that's why that thing had to happen.
(45:09):
So now I don't fret over whether it's a good
experience or a bad experience. I just accept it's all
part of the plan.
Speaker 2 (45:15):
Kay. Yeah, I'm trying to get to that.
Speaker 1 (45:22):
That way of thinking, Well, that's exactly what we asked
you the next time we talk.
Speaker 2 (45:30):
Okay, all right, thank you.
Speaker 1 (45:40):
For Jay and people like Jay. Growth is a challenge,
or probably more specifically, a better way to say that is,
recognizing your growth is a challenge. When you've had pain, trauma, abandonment, struggles, abuse,
tragedy in your past, you have a tendency to be
(46:00):
far more aware of your flaws than you are your talents.
I don't think I've ever met a person more deserving
of having her strengths recognized than Jay. The woman is
incredibly ambitious, incredibly talented, incredibly educated and accomplished, but yet
because of her past experiences, she has a tendency to
(46:23):
only notice her flaws and failures when she looks at herself.
True growth is recognizing the strength in the overcoming rather
than paying too much attention to the struggles themselves. That
is the block that Jay is experiencing, and I suspect
the block that many people experience in their pursuit of progress.
(46:47):
What I want Jay to recognize and so many others
is when you start noticing and giving yourself credit for
your progress in spite of challenges, you actually feel even
better because now you start celebrating not only did I
accomplish something, but I accomplish something while there was an
(47:09):
obstacle present. That is the tool, that is the challenge,
That is the task that I want all people, including Jay,
to recognize, because once you're able to do that, your
self esteem, your progress, your growth, and your mental health
will all get better. I think a victim mentality is
(47:37):
a real thing, but I think people talking about it
and pointing it out is so absent of compassion. If
I've had a childhood where there wasn't a lot of
cheerleading going on, and there wasn't a lot of support
around me.
Speaker 2 (47:54):
And.
Speaker 1 (47:55):
It seemed like I was experiencing an overfrequent, like an
overly frequent amount of pain and struggle. You start feeling
like life is happening to you instead of for you,
And I think of victim mentality is believing that I
don't really have a lot of control over what happens
(48:16):
to me. But here's the important thing I want everybody
to hear. There are justifiable reasons for people to believe that.
Because if at a very very young age, when you
don't have a lot of control over your circumstances, it
seemed like you were getting hit with life struggle after
life's struggle, then it makes sense that you grow up
(48:37):
thinking life is happening to me instead of for me.
On the contrary, if you grew up with a lot
of praise and support and warmth and love, you develop
the ability to a think positively of yourself and b
find opportunities as you navigate through life. But there is
(48:58):
a large amount of people that at very important developmental stages,
every time they turned around there was trauma, tragedy, abuse,
and struggle. How can we possibly anticipate that that person
would grow up with an internal locus of control. How
(49:19):
could we possibly expect that person to grow up believing
that they can just do things, that they could just
create things, that they could just make life what they
want it to be. So that is where the victim
mentality usually comes from, an overexposure to pain and trauma
during very key developmental stages in life, specifically in childhood.
(49:44):
So what we have to do is help people to
overcome that and realize regardless of your past, regardless of
your circumstances, life can still be whatever it is you
make it. You can still create a future that you
would be pleased to have. You just have to get
into a space where you are healed from what happened
(50:07):
to you in the past, and then you'll be able
to see opportunity even in your struggle. I think in
this session we paid a lot of attention to and
focused a lot on faith and God and those sorts
of things. Because that's a reference point in Jay's life.
It might not be a reference point in everyone's life,
(50:29):
and that's okay. I think the reason why is because
therapy needing to be about change. We have to talk
about the things in people's lives that they use to
drive them towards change. For some people, it's faith and
it's God, and it's a desire to live in congruence
to your spiritual beliefs. In other people, it might be
(50:53):
what your grandmother believes about you, or it might be
the thing that drives you most is proving people who
have doubted you wrong or proving people who believed in
you right. It doesn't really matter, Like I don't want
people to get hung up on The technique in this
session was to focus on God. That's not true. The
technique in this session was to focus on the things
(51:16):
that are strong levers towards change. And in one person
it might be living a life of faith and living
congruent to your spiritual beliefs, and in another person, it
might be working as hard as you possibly can to
prove somebody who believes in you right. So if you
don't resonate with a religious or spiritual message, that is
(51:37):
perfectly okay. Just think about what are the things that
are the strongest drives towards your change in your life life.
This is not just a podcast that I want you
to consume and be entertained by I actually want you
to be inspired. I want you to be impacted by this,
(51:57):
and in fact, we can't help but be impacted by
the content we consume. So what I would like for
you to do is come on this healing journey with us,
Come on this journey of change rediscovery with us. And
the way to do that is to just pay attention
to the things going on in your life as a
consequence of listening to this podcast. Pay attention to things
(52:20):
in your life shifting in a more desirable way. Pay
attention to your desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention
to evidence of your success, your resilience, and your strength.
And let us know in the comments what you're noticing
in your life as a result of listening to this
podcast and as a result of paying attention to these things.
(52:41):
I would love to.
Speaker 3 (52:41):
Hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and
your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with
me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also
send me a text message to nine seven two four
six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a production
of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network. Special thanks
to our assistant Glendale, Seppe. It's produced by jac Quise
(53:04):
Thomas and the executive producer Dolly s.
Speaker 1 (53:06):
S Fisham. For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit
the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
The content presented on The Family Therapy Podcast serves solely
for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered
a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and
does not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable
to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for
(53:29):
any specific concerns or questions you may have.
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