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May 1, 2024 62 mins

In this episode, the conversation is divided into two main chapters: 'Redefining Self Care with Jay and David’s Eagerness to Change and Set An Example For His Sons.'

Jay’s session explores the importance of continuous self-care and the struggle to prioritize oneself. It delves into the concept of personal growth and the challenges of making internal changes. Jay describes an observation she makes when dropping her son at daycare, that offers Elliott insight into Jay’s thoughts on community and the power of positive energy. 

With David, he discusses the changes he has noticed in himself since starting therapy and his efforts to improve his relationship with Jay. He talks about feeling different and not getting upset at little things anymore. David shares examples of how he has taken initiative and done small tasks to help him grow towards taking on the bigger challenges.  He wants to continue making positive changes and showing Jay that her happiness and feedback matter to him. David acknowledges the severity of making these changes so that he can instill certain qualities in his children by leading by example. 

Learn More: ElliottConnie.com

Connect: @ElliottSpeaks Text: 972.426.2640 

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
I think if you're going to create self care in
your life, it needs to be continuous. The biggest mistake
we make is it's like I've got this stressful life,
and self care is akin to taking a vacation from
that stressful life. Do the things that make you feel
good about life daily. The reason why we struggle with

(00:21):
our mental health is because we put ourselves last, and
we deal with everything and everybody else until we're truly
genuinely drained and burnt out, and then we take a
trip to Disneyland to try to recuperate. Make sure that
the things you enjoy are continuously available in your life,
even if they're in small doses, they'll still make a

(00:41):
massive impact. Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliakhani.
What's been better in your life since you listen to
the previous episode. This is not just any podcast. This

(01:05):
is a podcast to inspire healing in your life. So
please get used to that question because I want you
focusing on what's been better in your life as a
result of listening to this healing journey. And I'm going
to ask you that question constantly to help you shift
your focus. Every week, I learned something else about Jay
that blows me away, that genuinely impresses me. But it's

(01:28):
important that Jay be able to recognize these things in
herself and give herself credit for her amazing attributes. Once
she does this, her ability to create change will increase. Jane,
how are you? And I'm doing well? So what's been

(01:53):
better since we last met?

Speaker 2 (01:56):
That's been better? Relly Garry? Things pretty much the.

Speaker 1 (02:01):
Same, Okay, So I can ask you a weird question
like how can you tell it's the same? Like what
is happening that tells you things are the same.

Speaker 2 (02:12):
I mean I felt the same as I did last
time we talked. I've definitely thought about what we talked
about a lot, but I don't know that there's been
any change in my activities. Yeah, I mean pretty much
still doing the same thing.

Speaker 1 (02:31):
Uh, what what things did you think about?

Speaker 2 (02:37):
Just like when you were asking me, like what is
my what is the ideal version of Jay looks like?
And how do I know that I'm reaching towards that
that that perspective? I guess I've thought about it. I've
thought about, you know, waking up in the morning, working

(02:57):
out and praying more and doing all those things. But
it did it actually happened right?

Speaker 1 (03:04):
Right? And you said you thought about it a lot, Like,
how would you quantify a lot?

Speaker 2 (03:08):
Well, I mean, I mean I thought about it. I
don't know if a lot is the right term, but
I thought about what we talked about more than I've
thought about those things previous to our conversation.

Speaker 1 (03:22):
Right, And even though like you still were doing the
same things you just thought about it, were there any
times where you felt even a little bit more like
the jay you wanted to be? You know, like, did
you did you catch yourself at any moments feeling a
little bit more like that that version of Jalen?

Speaker 2 (03:52):
I guess, I guess so, I guess there was moments
where I told myself to be more present in the
moment and allowed myself to be that yeh wow. Like
I went and took my son for a walk, well
not for a walk, but I was walked him to

(04:13):
daycare versus driving, okay, and I felt and enduring that walk.
I felt like, okay, like I'm present in this moment.
I'm filling the breeze, I'm enjoying the walk, I'm looking
at the scenery, you know, I'm checking on him and
seeing what he's doing, so I felt present in that moment.

Speaker 1 (04:38):
How unusual is it for you to walk instead of drive?

Speaker 2 (04:41):
I started walking over the summer, trying to like force
myself to walk versus driving. So that was something that
I did start, but when the weather changed, I stopped
so But even though the weather wasn't that great, I
still walked him to twice this past week.

Speaker 1 (05:01):
What led to the decision that this would be a
time when you would walk even though the weather wasn't
super ideal.

Speaker 2 (05:07):
I don't know. I just told myself to get off
my ass and walk. I'm not sure.

Speaker 1 (05:16):
And how much like the old Gene is that to
just like, you know, get off your ass and do something.

Speaker 2 (05:20):
Yeah, that's definitely more the old Jay for sure. But honestly,
like it's it is part of my personality to be
like that in general. Like even now, it's just I
guess sometimes I just more now than I have in
the past, I let myself kind of get in my
own way and like hume up with excuses. But you know,

(05:44):
there's definitely aspects of that in my present day too.
I just you know, keep allowing the negative thoughts, I
guess to kind of stop me from doing things as
much as I used to.

Speaker 1 (05:59):
Yeah, I mean that too. It's amazing to discover, even
to hear you talk about, even in the current environment
with some of the netive thoughts, the old Jane was
never really totally gone, you know. Some aspects of her
are still there.

Speaker 2 (06:15):
Yeah, definitely. Yeah, but it kind of manifests more and
probably like projects that I take on versus the things
that I do for myself. So I'm just trying to,
you know, apply it to taking care of me too.

Speaker 1 (06:33):
Yeah, it makes sense. And do you enjoy being the
type of mom walking to daycare with her happy baby
because you're being a little bit more present?

Speaker 2 (06:47):
Yes, I do, especially because I well, I mean this
is not really relevant, but there's another mom that takes
her kids to the same daycare and she's always so
freaking angry mm mmm, like sh Like I sometimes I
just hope that she sees that I'm like happy, because

(07:07):
maybe it might rubble off on her. How come because
children are so precious, Like why would you want to
be you know, so mean towards them, you know, And
she's she just seems so so angry, so mean, and
who the hell wants to spend their day like that, Like, damn,
I just want to give her a hug, Like, girl,
it's gonna be all.

Speaker 1 (07:27):
Right, Jamine, I completely agree. Yeah, prior to you and
this woman going to the same daycare, did you know her? No, Jayleen,
I want to ask you a very unusual question, is that, Okay, sure,
why would you care? This is a complete and total stranger.
You don't know her, never matter. Before you guys started

(07:49):
going to the same daycare, you observe her being angry
all the time and mean and and this and that.
And by the way, I completely agree with you. That
is not a great way to live your dad. When
you were saying that, I was like, yeah, it's totally true.
But like, why why does Jaylen care? What is it
about Jaylen that makes your care about the daily experience

(08:12):
of this woman and her children?

Speaker 2 (08:15):
I mean, because we're a community. I care about other people,
and I certainly care about vulnerable populations, and children are
the most vulnerable in our elders as well. Like I
don't No one is deserving of being around negative energy
all the time, you know, particularly babies. So I just

(08:38):
I just think it's like, right, you know what I mean, Like,
I just I just don't like it.

Speaker 1 (08:44):
I don't like it, by the way, Like everything you're
saying it's like resonating in my spirit, Like I love
that you're saying these things and that's important you and
and that's that's true for you, Like keep using this
phrase until you tell me to stop. But that's that's
cool for you as the old Jalen and who you

(09:04):
are currently right right, Okay, Jalen, can you think of
another time in this past week when you felt more present,
more like yourself? Not really no, so that was the
biggest standout time? Yeah, okay, how would you notice more

(09:32):
of Jalen Jalen coming back? Like what would be assigned
to you as you go about another week that would
tell you, like, all right, more of me is showing,
Like it doesn't come on like a light switch, like oh,
all of a sudden, you know, but it was just
like gradually coming more back. Like what would be assigned
to you that it was coming coming back?

Speaker 2 (09:55):
Mm hmmm, probably be. I would probably be more productive
like during the day. I don't know, it's weird because
it's like I feel like I was more like am
like just more productive, Like I would get shit done,
I would take care of my business. I would do
what I needed to do, and I felt more like

(10:17):
just you know, clear on what my task were for
today and actually execute. Now nowadays, I feel like I
do get things done, like I'm not a slacker, well
in a sense that like I'm a slacker in my
mind because I feel like, Okay, you give like sixty

(10:40):
percent of yourself if that to the projects that you
need to work on. If you gave more like eighty
or ninety, then you would be even more ahead of
the game. But then when I compare myself to other people,
it's like, and I know you're not supposed to compare,
but I know it's like, but it's like, damn you

(11:03):
still like you still got you know, your properties, and
you still started. I'm part of an investment group and
we just recently bought a laundromat. You're still doing that. Wow,
you know you still like go to work every day
and your kids are still taking care of Like, like
I see all of those things, but I also feel
like I also spend a lot of time doing absolutely nothing.

Speaker 3 (11:26):
Like like playing on my phone or scrolling and so yeah,
so that's the kind of the things I kind of
struggle with like, are you as productive as you could be?

Speaker 1 (11:40):
And you feel like the old J would be more productive?
Is that right?

Speaker 2 (11:44):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (11:45):
Can I tell you the thing you said a minute
ago that I really like? You said something I really
like and I want to ask you about it. You said,
right now, you're functioning at about sixty percent, right, and
then you said, if I can get to eighty or
nine ninety percent, it would be you know, so much better.
And I love that you didn't say one hundred percent,

(12:05):
because no one is at one hundred percent, right, Like
that's just not real, right, Like everyone scrolls every now
and then, and everyone wastes a little bit of time
on you know, Netflix or you know whatever it is, right,
So I love that you would say that. So how
would you notice that that percentage was going higher and
getting closer to that eighty or ninety percent?

Speaker 2 (12:28):
I guess, I mean, I guess I just would be
spending more time working on the things that I need
to work on versus being on my phone.

Speaker 1 (12:38):
Okay, Like, what what would be the what would be
the type of thing that I'm focusing on what I
need to work on. I'm still going to be on
my phone because I'm not one hundred percent, because no
one is right. But I'm just working on the things
I need to work on with a little bit more
focus or attention or you know what I mean, or
or a little bit that percentage just a little bit higher.

Speaker 2 (12:59):
How would you notice My personality is like if I
see something needs to be done, I do it and
then I kind of stop. So but in that stopping,
it's like, well, what else needs to take place? And having,
you know, taken a moment to kind of dig a
little deeper and not just address the things that are
on the surface that are clear that need to be done,

(13:23):
I would spend a little more time saying okay, like
let me really really understand what we're doing and identify
some of the holes.

Speaker 1 (13:31):
So wow, And would you be pleased with yourself if
you caught yourself doing that, like just paying more attention
than laundromat beyond the surface things that you just kind
of have to do and start figuring out ways to
get more clientele into the laundrobat and finding flaws or whatever.
Would you be pleased to catch yourself doing that?

Speaker 2 (13:47):
Yes?

Speaker 1 (13:49):
How would the other people in the investment group know
that they're now partnering with this kind of a Jaylen,
How would they know that?

Speaker 2 (14:00):
So it's hard to say because if I took it
to another level, I don't know that they would, Like
they don't notice the things that I feel like I
could do more. I don't know that they realize it
because they don't really see the weaknesses in my approach
the way I see it. So they're like, Oh, she's great,
she's doing great, you know, like we know we can

(14:22):
count on her, she knows how to get stuff done,
blah blah blah. But me sitting back, like, I noticed
where I could be you know, where I can improve.

Speaker 1 (14:30):
You know, it's interesting, Jalen, because you know what I'm
learning as you talk.

Speaker 2 (14:34):
What's that?

Speaker 1 (14:35):
It sounds like the old versus the current Jane. The
current Jane is actually still pretty awesome. Like if I
called your your investment group and I said, tell me
about jan and they wouldn't say, oh, she's asleep at
the wheels, she's she's not dependable, She's like, they wouldn't
say those things. But this shift you're talking about, it's

(14:57):
like an internal shift, right that it might not be
outwardly huge, but to you would be massively huge. Right,
Is that right, Am I picking this up? Okay, yes,
so maybe I should ask what else would you notice
as this internal shift happens you pay more attention to
the laundry mat that percentage of how much focus would

(15:20):
go up from sixty percent closer to eighty to ninety percent.
What else would you.

Speaker 2 (15:24):
Notice that I'm taking more care of myself physically and spiritually?
I don't. It's like I know how to get stuff done,
but it's taking care of me that I feel like
it's lacking. It's like, yeah, I worked out when I

(15:45):
was pregnant, but then as soon as I had the baby,
I stopped working out. You know what I mean? Because
I was working out, Like I tend to do a
lot of things because I need to do them for
someone else, but I don't really do a lot of
stuff just for me.

Speaker 1 (15:58):
Gotcha that makes sense?

Speaker 2 (16:00):
Yeah, So I guess that's what I'm struggling with. So
I think it's if I took more time to just
focus on me, then I would notice that shift internally.

Speaker 1 (16:12):
What's the first thing you would notice that you focused
on you?

Speaker 2 (16:17):
That I took like specific time throughout the week for
just me doing something that I enjoy. But the challenges
that I don't sometimes I don't know what that is.
It's like, I know what people say, oh you know
self care, go, yeah, you know, go to have a

(16:38):
spa day or you know shit like that, and it's like, yeah,
I mean that's cool, But is that really the care
that I need? Do I need to light a candle
and take a bath?

Speaker 4 (16:53):
Like?

Speaker 2 (16:53):
I don't know, Like I don't know if that is
what self care needs to look like for me, So
I don't. I'm trying to. I know, like I like
to work out, and I feel that is self care
for me. But until I get to a point where
I am working out, what else can I be doing?

Speaker 1 (17:10):
What are the things that you enjoy that would feel
to you like you're taking care of yourself if you
had done them?

Speaker 2 (17:20):
Mmmmm, I mean I know that when the weather is different,
I really do like to be outdoors and I like
to grow stuff.

Speaker 1 (17:32):
So grow stuff like like what do you mean, I.

Speaker 2 (17:37):
Mean like plants like a party, like tomatoes and peppers
and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 (17:43):
Oh well, do you have that like on your property
like available to you?

Speaker 2 (17:48):
Yeah? I have the space for it.

Speaker 1 (17:50):
Wow, Okay, all right.

Speaker 2 (17:52):
I mean it's not enough space I'm not about to
be like at the farmers market selling rights in space
to grow you know what I need. But I'm from
the family.

Speaker 1 (18:05):
I am not trying to turn you into a farmer, Jayalen,
I promise well, I.

Speaker 2 (18:08):
Actually would not be against that.

Speaker 1 (18:12):
Do you think you'd be happy as a farmer? By
the way, I do, you know?

Speaker 2 (18:15):
Oddly enough, I told my sister. I was like, I
think I'm gonna try to find a farm that I
can volunteer at for a week and see if I
like it.

Speaker 4 (18:25):
What.

Speaker 2 (18:26):
Yeah, I'm like, I'm such a random person, but I do.
I do feel like I really enjoy being outdoors. I
like the idea of being close to nature. But I
don't know if I would like being a farmer person.
So I figure, you know, maybe I can volunteer and
figure out if that is something that I truly would like.

(18:47):
But the idea of it sounds awesome.

Speaker 1 (18:49):
I've always been I've always been fascinated like people who
who like transform themselves, you know, mm hmm. And sometimes
a big transformation like becoming a farmer or kind of
like we're talking about here, like sometimes a small transformation,
like you know, I'm going to focus more on the
laundry bat. But I've always been fascinated by, like the

(19:12):
act of doing something different, you know.

Speaker 2 (19:15):
Yeah, me too.

Speaker 1 (19:17):
And you said I'm a random person. Did I hear
you say that?

Speaker 2 (19:21):
Yeah? I like. I like random stuff, Like I like spontaneity.
I like thinking outside the box. I miss being more spontaneous,
like I don't know, I just I like, you know,
like life is supposed to be lived, right, Like I.

Speaker 1 (19:41):
Could not agree with you more.

Speaker 2 (19:44):
We do the same thing over and over and over,
and honestly, that's one of the challenges I have with
being a mom, Like I know that it's supposed to
be like this miraculous time in my life, and it's
so full of love and joy. Yeah, it's that, but
it's also like kind of mundane, like how many diapers

(20:05):
do you need to change? Bro? Like it's it's so
much of the same thing over and over, right, that
sometimes I miss the I don't know, I guess I know,
like you know, watching my son learn how to talk more,
you know, becoming more independent, my oldest son asking me

(20:27):
all these silly I ask questions and making me laugh
like that is beautiful, it is right, but it also
feels very like the same thing over and over.

Speaker 1 (20:38):
You know, if I said to you, I want you
to do one random thing this week, what are you
reading you do?

Speaker 2 (20:47):
M I don't know. I gotta think about that one.

Speaker 1 (20:54):
Because as you as you talk about this, I start
wondering if, what if? What if self care to Jayleen
looks like not being a mom for a few minutes,
you know what I mean? Or and not that you
don't enjoy being a mom, but like, what if self

(21:17):
care to Jayleen looks like I'm just gonna do something
completely spontaneous and crazy. M M for a second, like
I'm just gonna I'm gonna do something off the rhythm?
Does Does that make sense?

Speaker 2 (21:32):
Yeah? No, that's that's interesting.

Speaker 1 (21:34):
I never thought about it, right, So introducing spontaneity is
probably the self care that you need.

Speaker 2 (21:46):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (21:47):
Maybe, hhmm maybe, Jayleen, that's an interesting thought that I
didn't think about until I heard you say that.

Speaker 2 (21:56):
Yeah. I think so. You know, we get so caught
up in what self care looks like andy to you know,
personalize it and really think about what that looks like
for the individual based on you know, what they're sharing.
I think is good for you. Good job, counselor, that's
very insightful.

Speaker 1 (22:19):
Well, thank you. Maybe self care is once a week,
I'm going to do something completely random because I don't
like the feeling of routine. So like one week, I'm
going to go to the local bar, the next week
I'm going to go to a park, and the next

(22:40):
week I'm going to try a restaurant that's completely not
the kind of place I would normally go, or you know,
so on and so on.

Speaker 2 (22:48):
Yeah, yeah, I like that.

Speaker 1 (22:51):
So I kind of want to push you if you'd
allow me to, okay, and I want you to pay
more attention to how other people might experience you when
you're at your best. Then another example is the people
in the investment group. Now, you're a pretty awesome person,
so I believe you're telling the one hundred in truth.

(23:13):
If I called the people in the investment group and
I said, tell me about Jay Lenn, they wouldn't say, oh,
she's not dependable, we can't count on her. She's you know,
not paying attention. They wouldn't say that. But I'll bet
you if you were on the ball and you started
noticing things and you started getting more clients to go in,
they would still notice the transformation, you know, like, yeah,

(23:36):
sometimes we think people only notice the transformation if they
notice the problem, and that's not actually true. That's not
actually true. I don't have to know the problem in
order to see the growth, right, So I want to
I want to challenge you to notice how other people

(23:57):
notice you, you know, even if they don't say anything,
because they might not say anything. Your one and a
half year old certainly wouldn't say anything, but your one
and a half year old would absolutely notice, because that
little guy is just doing nothing but studying his mom
all day.

Speaker 2 (24:12):
Right.

Speaker 1 (24:15):
And then the last thing I want to point out
to you is, I think my favorite thing I learned
about you today actually have two favorite things I learned
about you. The first one is that you curse. I
don't think you cursed once in our first session, but
I love that you cursed today because I want you
to be yourself. The other thing I learned was that
you care about a random stranger who seems to be

(24:39):
being mean and not having great days, and you care
enough that you want you want to be a model
for her so she can see you don't have to
be that way. Did I catch that right?

Speaker 2 (24:53):
Yes? I also want to punchure on her face, but
I'm not going to do that.

Speaker 1 (24:58):
It's okay to be both. That says a lot about
you that you see this and you like even for
her children's sake, like you want her to be better.
If I could use that phrase like, that says a
lot about you and who you are. So I just
want you to be aware. I want you to notice,

(25:21):
you know. I almost want you to like live your
life remembering that people are watching watching you, and people
that matter, like your children or even a random stranger
like the daycare worker may not say you look like
you're having a great day or whatever, but I would
bet you they would notice, because those things tend to

(25:42):
be noticeable, you know.

Speaker 2 (25:44):
Mm hmm, all right.

Speaker 1 (25:45):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (25:45):
I think a lot of times I go through life
feeling like no one's paying me any attention. So I
can certainly start thinking about that more and more conscious
of it.

Speaker 1 (26:02):
You know, Jayleen, everybody's paying attention, ma'am. They might not
say anything, but they can all see it.

Speaker 2 (26:09):
I think part of that is just the relationship that
I meant. Sometimes I feel like this guy is not
paying me any attention, so.

Speaker 1 (26:19):
Even him.

Speaker 2 (26:19):
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you're right.

Speaker 1 (26:24):
So how do we do today, Jay?

Speaker 2 (26:26):
We did good.

Speaker 1 (26:29):
The reason why it's easier to focus on others rather
than ourselves is because focusing on ourselves makes us uncomfortable,
and the distraction becomes focusing on others, whether that's taking
care of your partner, raising children, things you do at work,
internal work and an internal focus makes us very uncomfortable,

(26:51):
and the process of looking outward is just easier and
also becomes a distraction because the responses are immediate. So
if I focus on my children, then I feel better
as a mom or a dad. But when I look
at myself, it's often a slow journey that requires some uncomfort,
and people want to be comfortable. That's actually what makes

(27:12):
change hard for all of us is we get used
to our current environment, regardless of how negative or positive
it is. So asking someone to change is inherently asking
people to get used to a new reality, which makes
us uncomfortable. From this conversation with David, it's clear that

(27:40):
he is starting to realize that small changes can have
a massive impact. And even though it has just started,
as he has already implemented some of these small changes
in his life, he's already experiencing positive change. So, David,
what's been better since we last talked?

Speaker 4 (28:00):
Uh, work, little stuff? It's been It's been good, man,
it's been good. You know. I took into consider I
really took what you told me. And you know, every
day it's made small steps into that. So my morning
routine changed. Get out of bed, I say my prayers

(28:23):
and I just say like, okay, mom, sis, even if
I throw my dad in it too. I know y'all
looking over me. I know y'all watching me. I know
y'all support me is trying to get to it, and
you know, just say my blessing and I get up
and I attack my day and and I know we
had our session on Friday, I believe it was last week.

(28:44):
And my first day back to work was Saturday. And
it was a rock star day too, So I just
felt good. The energy was different. The energy was definitely different.

Speaker 1 (28:54):
How could you tell?

Speaker 4 (28:57):
So my reaction too, because I was in a different location,
that's one. So I took it with a grain of salt,
like I was like, listen, man, it's out of my control.
I gotta do what I gotta do, Like I don't
own the company. So I took it like that and
this my interaction with just people and this little situations
I was coming up even at home, like I just

(29:17):
took it like okay, like not like being a pushover
or anything, but just saying like all right, this would
need to be done. I was just a little bit
more proactive on certain things than what I was before.
So I felt like it's moving in a good direction
and I just you know, just trying to get better

(29:39):
at it every day, one step at a time.

Speaker 1 (29:42):
Man. I loved it. And you said Saturday was a
rock star day? What made it a rock star day?

Speaker 4 (29:46):
As soon as I walked in there, it was just
like I was on fire. Like every person I came in,
I was closing them. But now I had a big
day Monday because I was off Sunday because it was closed.
So I had two big days and it was and
I was like, all right, that's good. So now it's like,
you know, just continue to keep piling on to what

(30:07):
I have already going on.

Speaker 1 (30:10):
Man. I love that. And as your energy changed, who noticed?
Tell me who noticed there was something different about David?

Speaker 4 (30:21):
Oh? David noticed? I noticed, Yeah, And that's I think
that's the key. Like I got to notice it first.

Speaker 1 (30:32):
I love that, bro.

Speaker 4 (30:34):
I don't know, like my coworkers or anything notice anything
like that because I'm pretty much in like good spirits
or whatever the case may be. But that was it
because I was a little under the weather too at home.
But I bounced out of that quick, like I maybound
down for like a day if that, and then I
just bounced out of that. So I don't really know

(30:56):
if like family noticed or my son's they too young,
they five, and me too, so they always wanted to
see happy dad. And they either know happy dad or
sad dad. That's it. There's no in between. Dad, and
you know, that was it. Really. I didn't ask Jade anything.
She didn't mention anything to me, No, But I noticed it.

(31:17):
So how did you?

Speaker 1 (31:19):
How else did you notice it?

Speaker 4 (31:22):
Besides from performance? I just I just felt different. I
just felt different, Like it was just a different like
NYG inside me. I just felt different. I think that's
what it was. I just felt different, you know. And
I felt myself not getting upset. That's one thing I noticed,

(31:44):
Like I felt myself not getting upset at little things
and just taking it as it is, like all right,
I just take care of it, don't you worry? About it.
But I think that's how I noticed it.

Speaker 1 (31:58):
M what happened. Instead of you getting upset.

Speaker 4 (32:09):
I took a second, were more than a second process
what I wanted to say, right, took a couple of
deep breasts and then relay the message or just like
all right, that's okay, don't even worry about it. You know,
I think I got it like something like that, you know,
or don't say nothing and just did it, like you know.

(32:32):
I think it was one day I came home, I'm like, oh,
I'm hungry, I gotta make me something to eat, and
the kitchen need to be cleaned up. So I was like,
you know what, I'm gonna clean up a little bit
real quick, making something to eat, sit down, eat that,
and then go back in there and clean it up.
I ain't even gonna get upset about it. I ain't

(32:53):
gonna start slaying dishes and get loud and leave it
there and stuff like that. And I just went ahead
and just did it. I think that was like so yeah,
I just did that, Like little things like that usually
it you know, it irritates me, but I gotta I
can't let all this little stuff keep bothering me and

(33:15):
not being able to tackle the bigger things. So I
just was like I in my between, I just like
ii epan, I got it. I don't worry about it,
and just did it. When I was it. It takes
too much energy to be angry, so I just turned
one of my shoulders on or put it up there
on the counter on my phone, had my earbugs in

(33:37):
and just did my thing. And then next thing, you know,
it was over. It turned the light off, and it
was like almost like all right, I did that. It
wasn't too bad, you know, went back in the living room,
did a little bit more, listened to my audio book
before I went to bed, and then I went to
bed when that was it.

Speaker 1 (33:56):
And how much of a change is that, you said,
like there might have been times it would have been
slimming dishes and you know, getting angry. How much of
a change is that.

Speaker 4 (34:07):
It's a big change, because now I don't got to
hear it in the morning, like you was down here
last night, you was up for a little bit and
you couldn't do this and that and the third. So
sometimes I don't like hearing that first thing in the
morning because it's just starting my day off with negativity.
So if I want to start my day off positive, right,

(34:28):
and there's something I can do to change that the
day before, then why not do that Now. I'm not
gonna sit here and say I'm gonna clean up the
whole house because I just got off the work, but
I'm gonna take care of it. Is because one thing
I know, that's one thing I don't like doing it.
She don't really like doing it. But if I'm there

(34:51):
and it's that night time and I'm up because I'm
usually the night out, why not trying to knock it out?
You know what I'm saying. Why not try to knock
it out? She already got the boys ready for bed
and all that good stuff, So why not try to
knock this out? So when she get up in the morning,
if it's school or whatever, she got to make the
bottles with the little one, or you know, prepare breakfast
or something. Everything is all clean. And like I said,

(35:13):
I was already under the weather a little bit, so
I slept in more so it gave her time to
get up and everything was already taken care of, so
you know, it was it was a change. It helps
when that when that happens.

Speaker 1 (35:26):
Definitely, and Jay might not have said anything, but what
difference do you think it made to her? She woke
up and everything was already done. Like I'm not sure
if she said anything or whatever, but she.

Speaker 4 (35:39):
She did say nothing, But it definitely I know, I
know because I know her enough. Yea, she was probably like,
thank you, you know what I'm saying. Yeah, I know
she was probably saying that to herself.

Speaker 1 (35:55):
Yeah, And we also know that she must have noticed
because I think I heard you say you didn't wake
up with the negativity.

Speaker 4 (36:04):
Yeah there, because usually that's what would happened, like like
shit say that, like, Yo, you couldn't do this, You
couldn't do that, Like you're sitting right here, you ain't
come to bed at two o'clock, like you couldn't watch it,
like and I you know before I'm like, I ain't
feel like and then I'm responding back. Now we're both

(36:24):
going back and forth. And we didn't have to do that,
you know, it just I just would have jumped on
the real quick, you know, to got knocked out a
couple of things for so I think that was a big,
a big help, a big step.

Speaker 1 (36:38):
Hey man, instead of negativity when that was happening what
would you call So you didn't wake up with negativity?
What did you wake up with?

Speaker 4 (36:50):
I just woke up to, you know, going through my thing.
I just like so if I if isl me, So
I always try to start off positive, right, because that's
gonna help me get get me due to my day
right because I'm dealing with all types of people and
I know it's going to be some negative things that's

(37:10):
gonna come, but I gotta be able to respond and
because I got to do my job right, So I
try to start my day off being positive. So if
I start, if I wake up and I do my things,
start my day off positive, and then the person that's
closest to me hit me with something negative, it just
throws me off. Course, like it just throws me off,
and then I got to try to re grab that

(37:32):
back or if it keeps going on and it just
messes up your whole day and your vibe. Right, So
when I try, you know, by me taking care of
that little small part, and like I said, it's a
lot of other things that could have been done. It's
a lot of other things that can be addressed to
as well. Though, But like I said, also you got
to take steps. But if I saw that that needed

(37:55):
to be done, and I know, like she's definitely gonna
be home all day with the boy, and I knocked
out that, you know, so now she can go in
there and she got to cook them something or whatever
the case may be. The kitchen. She got a clean
kitchen to work at. So it was a little bit
better start in the morning off, you know, because when
you start in the morning off that way, you know,

(38:15):
you just feel is this a different vibe? It's a
different feeling, and it was good, it was cool. I
like that.

Speaker 1 (38:22):
Hm. Are you surprised? I gotta think of how to
word this because I want to make sure I asked
this right. Are you surprised that a little thing you did,
like cleaning the kitchen?

Speaker 4 (38:36):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 1 (38:38):
Had such an impact? Like even though Jalen didn't just
overtly say it, but are you surprised that you did
a little thing like cleaning the kitchen and it literally
changed the way you woke up the next morning? Like?
Does that surprise you? Mm?

Speaker 4 (38:59):
I wouldn't say more of a surprise because I think
me personally, I think she thinks that you know, it's expected,
but it was definitely more uh, what I'm looking for.

(39:22):
I think it was more I think it was more accepted,
like okay, all right, cool, all right, So I did that,
so allright, and it was I feel like I did that,
and this was the results that happened the next day.
So now I add on to that, this is the

(39:43):
results that was going to happen the next day. So
I gotta keep building it up, building it up so
I can. So if I want consistently consistent positivity every morning,
you know, then I gotta continue to keep building it
up by doing other things. And they don't necessarily gotta
be something around the house like that should be a given,

(40:04):
Like it just got to be other little other things, right,
So we just got to keep checking off the boxes.
And I think that's what's gonna help, you know, continue
to keep getting that positive energy every morning.

Speaker 1 (40:17):
How proud do you think your mom, your dad, and
your sister are watching you do these things.

Speaker 4 (40:26):
I think my sister and mom are super proud because
they know the type of guy I am, type of
man I am. I think my dad is proud too
as well, for the simple reason of like my dad
probably like I can hear him saying, like, man, I
want to be none of that. Like my dad wasn't

(40:46):
that type of guy. Like he's not gonna sit there
like you know, he's not that Like he'll go order
out fool. He's not gonna sit there and cook and
clean up the kitchen, right aye. And I'm not saying
he won't do that, but he's not gonna do that.
That's not his thing. But for him to see me
doing that, he was like, wow, you know I never
did that. Like here's probably say that and he'll be like, Yo,

(41:07):
that's a good thing. But my sister and my mother
will really be proud because they know I haven't in me.
They know I can do it, you know, and they
will definitely be happy to see that, you know. So
I think they're really they'll really be proud.

Speaker 1 (41:22):
And how much of this are you doing because you
want to make things better between you and j and
you want to see Jade happy? Like what what? How
much of these changes are a part of that?

Speaker 4 (41:39):
A lot of it? Right, So it's not just so
the changes is it's for both of us, right, So
the changes are definitely gonna help me, right, It's definitely
gonna help me. But by me getting better with myself
and you know, stronger with my self is gonna be

(42:01):
a re It's definitely gonna trans over to Jayleen and
her being happy. Right. So that's the goal, right, So
I gotta I gotta get I gotta make sure I'm
strong right and make sure I'm happy with myself, and
then that's gonna automatically transition to Jayalen because for me
to get to myself happy, it's things that gotta change

(42:23):
within the relationship. So that's gonna start making her happy
and you know, and you know, just seeing that, Okay,
this is I'm liking this, this is what's going on,
and you know, and and that's what makes me happy.
It's like I always said this. I said that like
Christmas and birthdays and when I cook something or whatever,

(42:45):
Like my happiness is seeing the smiles on your face.
That's what I That's what I say, right, And that's
my thing. Like seeing my ladies smile and happy and
you know, proud of things that I do and did
and accomplished, or you know, make her happy because I
was thoughtful or this is something that she really liked
and was really concerned about and I took care of

(43:08):
It makes me happy. Right, it makes me happy, So
you know, it definitely helped both of us. And that's
a good thing.

Speaker 1 (43:18):
No, sir, that's not a good thing. That's a great thing.
That's okay, out of the world thing, Like that's an
amazing thing to hear. Do you think Jay knows that?
Like if I recorded the last I don't know, thirty
seconds or sixty seconds that you just said and played
it for jas, do you think she would know that?
Do you think she would be surprised to hear you
say what you just said?

Speaker 4 (43:39):
I think she does know it, right. I think Jalen
is to the point that she needs to see it, gotcha,
jal is She's a strong woman, right, She's a very
smart woman. Okay, she's a soldier, right. She need to
see it. And I understand that part. So she needs

(44:03):
to see it. She know all the capabilities I have, Yeah,
and I can write. It's just that it's time for
her to see things now. She needs to see it.
And I think that's where we're at. She need to
see this stuff.

Speaker 1 (44:18):
Yeah, Okay, And you're right, like she is a strong woman.
And when you say she's a soldier, like literally she
was in the Armed Services MM hmm. What do you
imagine would be your clue that the actions you are taking,

(44:39):
the things you are doing is impacting her in a
significant way. Like when we started talking, you said, you're
not sure Jaylen noticed, but she must have noticed because
she behaved differently, like she woke up differently the next day.
She might not have said anything, and she might not
have you know, jumped up and down or anything, but
she must have been aware. What what do you imagine would

(45:01):
be a clue to you that when you see it,
you're gonna be like, Okay, it's impacting j now, Like
I'm I'm doing these things. I'm being consistent, I'm taking
this action every day. What would what do you think
would be the thing that would tell you, Okay, this
is impacting us in a positive way.

Speaker 4 (45:15):
I think it would probably be more dialogue, Like it's
probably the way she will respond to say something. She
she's the type of person that she'd say something. She
just say it, especially if it's for the good and
she know like it's an initiative, Because then I would
I would bring it out of her. I'd say I
bring it up to her. But I think that's a

(45:36):
reaction to it. She would definitely say something. The dialogue
would be a little different. She'll probably be like, Yo,
good job on that. I ain't know you did this.
I was like, yeah, yeah, I was thinking about it.
I know you mentioned it a couple of months ago,
or this is on one of them lists that we have.
You know, I keep everything. So I just went out
of head and did it. She was like, okay, all right.

(46:00):
They'll probably say something like Okay, them sessions, them sessions helping,
huh right, because she's definitely gonna say something. She's definitely
gonna say something like that. She's gonna say something about
the sessions, and he say, oh, they helping, huh? You
like you like Elliott, don't you? Huh? I feel okay?
All right, that's that's that's the way she responds back,

(46:22):
Like I know her, So I think that's what's gonna happen.
But like I said, she needs to see it. She
needs to see it. So I'm ready to start showing her.

Speaker 1 (46:30):
What difference would it make you to hear her say that,
to hear her say those things.

Speaker 4 (46:35):
Man, I'm gonna be honest. I'm a guy, right, I'm
a guy. I like my ego stroke sometimes I'm an athlete,
so it will be very very very very very make
me feel very good to hear her say something like that.
And I'm not gonna see here and be like, ah,
she don't got to say. No. I need to hear
that sometimes, and I'm being honest with you, I need

(46:59):
to hear that. That's gonna make me feel good if
you say some stuff like that, absolutely, because it's gonna
give me a sense of accomplishment. It's gonna let let
me know like, Okay, some of the stuff that I'm
doing and it's even you know, it might seem not
as hard as somebody else, right, but it could have
been a little hard work on my end though. But
I need, like, you know, that pat on the back

(47:21):
or that like, yo, good job dad. I appreciate that.
I like to hear things like that. You know. I
like to be congratulated on, you know, if I accomplished
something and it was and I know it's helping both
of us. So that's just being honest. That's that's me.

Speaker 1 (47:36):
No, look appreciate that. Do you think she knows that
about you? Do you think she knows that like her
feedback to you because you're a man, because you're an
athlete because you because of the way you think about her.
Do you think she knows that her feedback to you
really impacts you.

Speaker 4 (47:56):
I think every woman knows that. I think of women
that been with a certain person for a long time,
women know, and Jalen knows what pisses me off and
what makes me act right. He knows that she know,
she know, and she and if you was the actor

(48:17):
right now and she's like, absolutely, that's David's personality, I know, right,
And I also know that what would take him off too?

Speaker 1 (48:24):
David? Can I challenge you a bit? I think you're right.
If I called her right now and I said what
pisses David off and what makes David happy, she'd be
able to tell me one hundred percent. I actually agree
with that. But if I said to her, your happiness,
your smile, and your feedback matters a lot to David,

(48:50):
I'm not sure she would know that. I wonder if
if I called her right now and I said, does
your happiness, does your feedback? Does your praise matter to David?
I wonder if she wouldn't say I used to think
they did, But if they did, he would have made
these changes a long time ago. What do you think

(49:13):
of that?

Speaker 4 (49:15):
I think she'll probably say that right when you break
it down that way, Yeah, I think she will say that.

Speaker 1 (49:23):
My question to you would be, how do you show
Jay that her smile and her praise and her feedback
still matters to you? You know what I mean, Like
it's still the thing that drives me. I might not
have been myself for a minute. I might have fallen
off you know, gotten off track for a minute, but
you still matter to me. How do you show her that?

Speaker 4 (49:43):
I gotta start, you know, pouring myself into her more, like,
you know, getting that smile back on her face like
she deserves, Like you know what I'm saying, Yeah, I
gotta start doing the doing, you know, more than what
I used to do, you know, you know what I'm saying,
and just being consistent on certain things, taking the lead

(50:04):
on a lot of stuff, Like you know what I'm saying.
I think that's exactly what it is, like, you know,
because there's been too many times that you know, we
don't have conversations together, and now it's like how we
can accomplish so much together, you know, like how strong
we can be as one instead of separate right, So,

(50:28):
and she wants to be she she wants me to
take the lead on a lot of things, right. And
I think once she starts seeing that and seeing the
initiative and the consistency of it. So that's the biggest thing,
the consistency of it, not just doing it for a
day or a week, constantly keep doing it right now,

(50:52):
to habit so it's not even worrying about it no more.
And then then you pick up on another one and
you just keep doing it. Now is just a routine,
It's part of life. That's what she needs to see,
and that's what's gonna get them smiles back on her
face and stuff like that, right, you know, doing the
little things right. She's she's not the woman that I'm
not saying that she doesn't like diamonds and jewelry and

(51:14):
stuff like that though, but like you know, she like
little things that means. Stuff like that's meaningful. That's what's
gonna help build a relationship stronger, get it back to
where it was at things like that.

Speaker 1 (51:27):
Yeah, you said something earlier about the kids, which I
completely agree. I mean, they're what'd you say? Five and two?
I think what difference would it make to their lives
to have mom and dad behaving in the way you're describing.

Speaker 4 (51:42):
Stuff I've seen at my son's age, he will never
see nothing like that, right, So I thank him by
him seeing that and seeing his mom and dad like,
you know, happy and smiling and seeing dad doing certain things.
It's just gonna, you know, as he gets older and

(52:03):
he's just gonna see like, this is how a man
leaves the family, This is how my dad treats my mom,
you know. And I think that's gonna help him, you know,
as he gets older, when he gets into a relationship
and his responsibilities, right, because if you start seeing that
now right as a young man, not in no serious

(52:26):
relationship or anything like that, and you know, like all right,
you got all you're how to handle certain things, you're
willing to talk, right, you're not just all you know,
whah on everything. I think that's gonna help him more
in a relationship because he's gonna have some of that

(52:47):
going into a relationship. So when you don't have when
you don't have that or didn't see that, and you
are learning on a fly from just you know, past
relationships or being in different situations, and it's a little harder, right,
it's a lot harder to get things in order. So
I think once you once he's seeing things in order

(53:09):
at an early age, it's gonna help him more. With
both of my boys, right, and even my daughter. She
doesn't live with me though, but even with my daughter,
like when she comes busy, it's gonna help her too
because she still she's a young she's a young lady.
She's older, she's sixteen though, but it's definitely gonna help
her too as well.

Speaker 1 (53:26):
Yeah, you know, it's interesting you're highlighting something and I
don't even know if you realize your highlighting this. But
not only would you be with the children grow up
not seeing the things that that you saw, correct, if
they would grow up not seeing the things that you saw,
So not only that, but they would also grow up

(53:51):
seeing things you didn't see. Yeah, and that would impact
how they conduct themselves in future relationships. What difference does
that make to you as a father?

Speaker 4 (54:04):
That's a major difference. Having my boys raised that way
and seeing that positive It just changes the game and
changes the narrative of their story and how their story
could be right, right, just like that, because I have
friends that grew up that way, and I hung out
with these guys, right, you could. You could tell the

(54:25):
little difference between the ones that did and the ones
that didn't. You can see it. You can see it, right.
And when you look back and you look at it now,
you know we're all grown, you be like, yeah, that's
what it was, a little bit, that's what it was.
He wasn't corny or nothing like that. You know, and
been married for twenty some years now. And you know,

(54:48):
because we as men, we think it's wrong because you
just want to be with one girl or you know,
you're not jumping around from lady to lady and things
like that. You know, I've been to college and all that.
So when you look back at it now, you're like, whoa, Okay,
maybe that's what it was. Oh he's been He grew

(55:09):
up with seeing commitment, seeing his father, loving his mother,
taking care of the house, you know, being the man
of the house, things of that nature. So all right,
so this is some of the results of some of
the things that happen. I'm not saying it's like that
across the board, but I feel like that plays a

(55:29):
major part into the decisions that us as young boys
when we become men. That we meet. I think that
plays a big part. Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (55:39):
Okay, So I want to ask you a question, but
I got to explain why I'm asking it. I've worked
with a lot of professional athletes and a lot of
times they will say to me, and usually when I
see them is when they've retired and they have a
hard time like adjusting to being a regular person versus
an athlete. Again, And remember talking to a guy and

(56:01):
he told me that he felt like a sense of
like like a warrior, like a like a like he
felt like he was like a like a dominant creature
when he was playing football and it did something to
his personality and a positive He felt indestructible, He felt

(56:22):
good about himself. Does that resonate with you?

Speaker 4 (56:25):
You know what I'm talking about? What you talking about?

Speaker 1 (56:28):
And this one guy you made me think about him
because he said when he rediscovered how to be a man,
because he came from a very broken environment too, he said,
he started to look himself in the mirror kind of
like indestructible. Again, So I was thinking about that as
you were talking, like, how would you feel about yourself
as you accomplish these things daily and you break this

(56:51):
pattern and show your boys something different, and and you
start getting this wonderful feedback. How would you start feeling
about David? What would David start thinking about David.

Speaker 4 (57:03):
I think over the last few years, I've just been
letting the adversity just can take in consuming me and
then trying to, you know, not deal with it. Go left,
go right, But when you come back to the middle,
is still there. Yeah, So it would definitely feel like,
you know, I'm like, all I got through that bone,
that's out the way, that's out the way. I ain't

(57:24):
worrying about that anymore, knocking that down. Let's keep going,
you know. I think that's gonna have me feeling, like
you said, like undestructible, like so like the warrior that
I am again. Yeah, you know, and whatever whatever comes
to my table or on my lap, whatever little adversity
that comes, you know, I gotta, you know, just keep

(57:46):
on going. I have to do this because I can't
install listening to my son's if I can't do it
myself right. And I know what I did before, so
I gotta get it back so my boys can know
when the little adversity hits, don't worry about it. Man,
Like we're gonna handle it right. Now. We're gonna handle
it together. Even when you start getting knowling it, Daddy's

(58:06):
still here. We're gonna handle it together, right. And then
at some point in time you got to handle it right.
But I got to give you some of the knowledge
on how to handle it, and then some of your
experience is gonna help you handle it your weight the
way that you want to handle it too. So I
think that's the key. That's the key, all right.

Speaker 1 (58:26):
I know you gotta go back to work, so I'm
not gonna keep you too much longer. But can I
ask you to do something please?

Speaker 4 (58:32):
What is it? Sure?

Speaker 1 (58:34):
So, David, I want you to do exactly what you
just said, like do all the little things, do them daily,
because I think you're absolutely right, Like she needs to
see this happening daily to have an impact. Yes, But
the other thing I want you to do, I want
you to pay attention to the boys and Jay. Now,

(58:57):
none of them may just come out and say, you know,
hey Dad, I see it, or hey David, I see it,
but they're gonna do things that give you a clue
that they see it. Their moods will change, their energy
will change. Like you said, Jaye didn't wake up negative like,
I want you to notice the smallest clues possible that

(59:21):
they're noticing what you're doing. Does that make sense, okay?

Speaker 4 (59:25):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (59:26):
And then I also want you to notice you. I
want you to notice the difference it is making to
David to be pouring himself into his family.

Speaker 4 (59:38):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 1 (59:40):
It was incredibly touching, David to listen to you talk
about the impact you want to have on your boys. Yeah, man, David,
I know you're really busy in the middle of your workday. Man,
but I really appreciate you taking some time to chat. Man.
I really enjoy chatting with you.

Speaker 4 (59:58):
Yeah, me too, Me too. No worries, man, no worries,
no matter, I ain't listening the session session.

Speaker 1 (01:00:04):
Session say, David is learning that small obstacles, when you
focus on them, can block you from making positive change
in your life. So part of this journey is to
help David focus on things other than the obstacles, such
as who he used to be in the past as
he accomplished amazing things. I think the best way that

(01:00:32):
I could say how clients and people should feel about
change is to understand it's always happening. I think we
get focused on the outcome and not focus on change itself.
It's nearly impossible to stay the same. So if you
just shift your focus to what is changing, and specifically
what about those changes are you pleased with, then you

(01:00:55):
make change inevitable and you stay hopeful about the process
of change change. This is not just a podcast that
I want you to consume and be entertained by. I
actually want you to be inspired. I want you to
be impacted by this, and in fact, we can't help
but be impacted by the content we consume. So what

(01:01:17):
I would like for you to do is come on
this healing journey with us. Come on this journey of
change rediscovery with us. And the way to do that
is to just pay attention to the things going on
in your life as a consequence of listening to this podcast.
Pay attention to things in your life shifting in a
more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable outcome becoming

(01:01:40):
your reality. Pay attention to evidence of your success, your resilience,
and your strength. And let us know in the comments
what you're noticing in your life as a result of
listening to this podcast and as a result of paying
attention to these things I would love to hear from
you about your healing journey, your family, and your feedback.
Leave a review, send a DM, connect with me on

(01:02:03):
socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also send me
a text message to nine seven two four two six
two six four zero. Family Therapy is a production of
iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network special thanks to
our assistant Glendale Sepe. It's produced by Jack Queis Thomas
and the executive producer Dolly s. Fisham. For more podcasts

(01:02:23):
from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio app or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows. The content presented on
the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for educational and informational purposes.
It should not be considered a replacement for personalized medical
or mental health guidance and does not constitute a provider
patient relationship. It is advisable to consult with your healthcare
provider or health team or any specific concerns or questions

(01:02:45):
you may have.
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