Urzila Carlson (Kinda Pregnant / Just No! / That's Enough Already) • #340 - Films To Be Buried With with Brett Goldstein

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Look out.

Speaker 2 (00:00):
It's only films to be buried with. Hello, and welcome
to films to be buried with. My name is Brett Goldstein.
I'm a comedian, an actor, a writer, a director, a
rogue wave, and I love films. As Jenna Wortham once said,

(00:24):
the future is shaped by those who refuse to give up,
which is why when people say they can't understand Lost Highway,
I forced them to watch it over and over again
until they finally get it. Every week I invite a
special guest over. I turn them they die, don't. I
get them to discuss their life to the films that
the most previous guests include Kevin Smith, Barry Jenkins, Sharon Stone,
and even Bed Ambles. But this week we have the

(00:45):
brilliant actor, comedian, and.

Speaker 1 (00:48):
Podcaster Shula Castle.

Speaker 2 (00:50):
All episodes of Shrinking Season one and two are now
available on Apple TV. Get caught up on all of them.
You'll fucking love it. Head over to the Patriot at
patreon dot com. Forward slashpect i wastin where you get
extra twenty minutes with Urshada.

Speaker 1 (01:02):
We talk secrets, beginnings and endings.

Speaker 2 (01:04):
To get the whole episode uncut, Adfrey and as a
video check it out over at patreon dot com. Forward slash,
Brett Goldstein, so Urshula Carson, What's a Funny One? You
might know her from her Netflix special Overqualified Loser, or
from her podcast That's Enough Already, or you might have
seen her in Amy Schumer's hilarious romcom Kind of Pregnant,

(01:25):
which is on Netflix. She's about to go on tour
in the US and Canada in May and June with
a new show called Just Jokes. I met Ashuda for
the first time on Zoom recording. Is She's so funny?

Speaker 1 (01:36):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (01:37):
I love this one, and I really think you're going
to enjoy this one. So that is it for now.
I very much hope you enjoy Episode three hundred and
forty of Films to be Buried With, Hello, and welcome

(01:58):
to Films to be Buried With. It is I Brett Goldstein,
and I am joined today by an actor, a stand
up a panelist, a taskmasterer, a memoirrist, a a international
comedy festival colorist, a guest judge on a drag race

(02:19):
down underst a Guy mont Spelling best, a hero, a legend,
a absolute standout banger. In the Netflix film Kind Of pregnant.
She's a hero and a superstar, and she's here with us,
now here she is. Please welcome to the show. It's

(02:39):
the brilliant as Carson.

Speaker 1 (02:42):
Wow.

Speaker 3 (02:43):
Well, well, I'm exhausted, no wonder, I'm tired.

Speaker 4 (02:46):
I need a fucking break.

Speaker 1 (02:47):
I'm for you've been at it, I have, I have?

Speaker 3 (02:51):
Can I just say because I don't, I want to.
I want to manage people's expectations. Yeah, because you know,
the spelling community, it's a specific community of people who
love spelling and who has a passion for for I
did the worst on every spelling sheolf ever. Just I
want to put that out there. I want people to

(03:12):
go look it up online.

Speaker 1 (03:14):
I didn't know there was more than one spelling show.

Speaker 4 (03:17):
Yeah. Weirdly I have failed. That's three.

Speaker 1 (03:19):
You're big in the spelling community.

Speaker 3 (03:21):
Yeah no, but I think they put me in there,
just set me up.

Speaker 1 (03:25):
To file right.

Speaker 4 (03:27):
Yeah. It's not a strength. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (03:29):
Those fuckers also giving me big, big words, and then
the guy next to me gets spelled four like what
that in a minute?

Speaker 4 (03:37):
That's not right, that's not fair.

Speaker 1 (03:39):
Yeah. When I find these people, I'm going to kill them.

Speaker 3 (03:42):
Yeah, and I'm going to help you. Yeah, Yeah, this
guy Montgomery, We're going to find him. What's your Nutsky
would come afore you, bro?

Speaker 1 (03:50):
What's your nuts guy, and not your nuts the rest
of you.

Speaker 3 (03:54):
Yeah, yeah, punch you in your non existent tests because
you know he's a runner, so he scored. He's got
absolutely nothing out there. Yeah, we've never met. No, we haven't,
but I'm very excited to meet you.

Speaker 1 (04:08):
Oh, I'm very excited to meet you.

Speaker 4 (04:09):
I've heard a lot about you.

Speaker 1 (04:11):
Yeah, you are so funny.

Speaker 2 (04:14):
I watched kind of Pregnant, and you in kind of
Pregnant is like the most hardcore version of someone coming
in as funny character. You can be funny, go and
be funny. You come in your very first line, it's
like issues here is a comedy superstuff, so funny, every

(04:34):
single line, every moment of you in that film, you're
just like bang bang bang, it's mad.

Speaker 4 (04:42):
Do you know what? I think?

Speaker 3 (04:43):
The thing with that movie is because the director, Tyler Spandell,
is a stand up or as a stand up background,
That's how he started. And so because I'm not responsible
for the arc of the storyline like I can, just
so every time I'm in her he goes just going nuts.
Just say whatever you think your character would say. And
I mean, as a stand up, isn't that the best

(05:06):
gift anyone can give you? Go you're a funny fucker
be that. Yeah, okay, I think every line in that movie,
except for two sentences that I say, one with ol
Packer and the other one fuck, I can't even remember.
Those are the only two lines that's from the script.
The rest is all stuff that he just got go nuts.

(05:26):
And the same with Amy. Amy would in the office
where I go, you know, like people can see my passion.
I show up at the house, I show up at
the mama's house, I say.

Speaker 4 (05:35):
All of that.

Speaker 3 (05:36):
Like, I had one line in that office. It was
just such a short thing to film that day. And
then Amy would just start throwing shit out at me,
and I was like, Okay, I guess we're doing this,
like and it was so much fun.

Speaker 2 (05:47):
Yeah, great, Well it's a real, real gift, A real
star is a right type performance. And you're touring you're
touring with yeah people that did my talk correct?

Speaker 4 (05:58):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (05:59):
No, No, you're touring with the people who've been doing
mighty because I've been touring with them since twenty and eleven.

Speaker 4 (06:04):
Since when have you been touring with.

Speaker 1 (06:05):
Well, then thank you for letting me have them for
a bit.

Speaker 3 (06:08):
I was the one that fixed them for you. I
was shocking. Yeah, they was shocking when I just got them.
You know, like, we've got no guys. We need if
you need a ship, we need to go find a toilet.
You can't just shit here, you know, like, and I
sort of I trained them to be the humans that
they are now.

Speaker 1 (06:29):
So everywhere we went other than Brooklyn and there was
always a toilet.

Speaker 5 (06:34):
Yeah, yeah, you so thank you. Yeah you're obviously obviously
not in Brooklyn. But no, no, but I mean you
wouldn't notice. You wouldn't notice.

Speaker 1 (06:45):
How so do you tour? How many tours have you
done that you love it?

Speaker 4 (06:49):
I haven't missed the year.

Speaker 3 (06:50):
I write a new show every year, and I started
touring in two thousand and nine. Wow, every single year
I do a tour. I mean they're not they weren't
always being. I used to do all the comedy festivals
and then after like four years, I'm like, hang on
a minute, there's a way to do this without giving
away your money, you know, because the festivals take a
big chunk of it. I'm like, hang on a minute,

(07:12):
and now the only festival I still do is Melbourne
Comedy Festival.

Speaker 4 (07:16):
I'm their biggest seller.

Speaker 3 (07:17):
So I think if I don't, if I don't do it,
I'm scared the festival is gonna cave in.

Speaker 1 (07:22):
Carrying that festival on your shoulders.

Speaker 3 (07:24):
It's like it's community service, right, That's what it is.
I'm like, I'm such a bitch in so many other
ways that I'm like, I need to do this one
good thing, you know, that'll sort of, yeah, balance it
out for everything else.

Speaker 4 (07:38):
No, And I like, I like spending lots of the
time in.

Speaker 5 (07:40):
Melbourne and you're in Auckland at the moment. Correct, Yeah,
I'm at home, that's where you live. Yeah, I'll give
you my full address. I welcome stalkers. Yeah, okay, cool,
I would put myself on that list.

Speaker 3 (07:52):
Yeah, no, come on, come on, like, and I know
petrol is expensive, so I'll give petrol vouchers, you know.

Speaker 4 (07:58):
Anyway, come around.

Speaker 2 (08:00):
So you were just doing you just did the big
sort of promo tour for this film kind of package. Yeah,
is this forgive me for not knowing? Is this the
first time you've done something on that scale? Yeah, it
is right, I mean.

Speaker 3 (08:12):
I've done two Netflix specials, but the one was part
of Comedians of the World, so it was only half
an hour. They didn't really do any promotions for that.
And then My one hour came out in twenty twenty
July twenty twenty, so when the whole world was a lockdown, which.

Speaker 4 (08:26):
Is good in a sense, like I had a.

Speaker 3 (08:28):
Captive audience heaves when people watched it, because what else
are you going to watch? You know, we all finished
porn in the first week and they're like, what do
we do now? Yeah, I mean, you know, we were
whacking off to genres that I'm like, I'm not really
into this, but all right, you know, you got to
test yourself, you know, see if you can stay full.

Speaker 2 (08:47):
Because also there is the feeling of what I'm never
going to have to look at another human being again,
so exactly no, no, shame, exactly shame.

Speaker 4 (08:55):
You know, and pans are already.

Speaker 1 (08:56):
Off, so yeah, yeah, yeah, it's very hot in the house,
no point where.

Speaker 3 (09:04):
Also you want to save your clothes and you're washing detergent.
You don't know what if we're run out of that.
We ran out of toilet paper, you know, we could
easily have run out of clothes and fabric soft and stuff.

Speaker 1 (09:14):
Yeah, you know, so how was this big old promotional
tour for this? How do you find it?

Speaker 3 (09:20):
This was quite a lot actually, Like when I so,
you know, I think because I live in New Zealand,
so we're five million people, that's the amount of people
that line up at a Starbucks, you know, so in
the States. So when the very first morning, like I
arrived the night before, the next morning, I had breakfast
TV and I'm like, I don't even know how many
people watch this show, but I can't think about that.

(09:42):
I just thought, I'm just going to be myself. And
also because like I was divvied up with actresses, so
I didn't go on with Amy. Whenever I was on
a show with Amy, it was good because her and
I could bounce off each other. But the actresses don't
just talk by themselves like comics can just talk.

Speaker 4 (09:59):
You know. Yeah, we're like, oh is this dead air?
I'm in it.

Speaker 3 (10:02):
I'm gonna take care of this, this silence. Don't worry
about a thing.

Speaker 4 (10:05):
But actresses wait politely to answer a question.

Speaker 3 (10:09):
So when I dive it up with them, I'm like, well,
I'm just gonna as soon as it sounds like I
need to take charge as a conversation.

Speaker 4 (10:17):
I'm just going to do it.

Speaker 3 (10:18):
So I had a great time on all the talk
shows and breakfast TV, and you know, I'm like, wow,
this is great. And also there's such a well oiled machine.
And I guess because in Australia and New Zealand, I
kind of know all the hosts, I know all the
you know, I go do it. Yeah, But then there

(10:39):
I was like, well, they don't know. They don't know
what to expect from me. And after I did the
Sherry Show, but all of us and Amy is quite
generous and sort of setting me up, like she knows
if we've already had a funny conversation, then she'll set
it up on the show. So she just kind of
popped it up. And then after like Sherry is laughing

(10:59):
so much, she goes, I don't know if America is
ready for you. I'm like, well, strappy, I don't. It's
common anyway.

Speaker 2 (11:05):
You know what's going to happen then what you're gonna
do now if your dominated, I don't know what you're
going to use your powers for evil or good?

Speaker 3 (11:13):
I don't know, but I'm really I'm ready I mean,
I think I glean more to evil, you know, mainly
because most people are like you know, I just want
to be positive.

Speaker 4 (11:22):
I think, Okay, this is my goal, and.

Speaker 3 (11:24):
I think everyone really has this in the back of
their heads, like we all say we don't, but we do.
I want to be nominated for a big award, right,
But it's not good enough to be nominated. I want
to win that fucker, right, Like people go, it's enough
to be nominated.

Speaker 4 (11:41):
No, it isn't. What the fuck like, I'm not a
participant like I want to win. I want to go
and I want to win.

Speaker 3 (11:47):
And then in my acceptance speech, I'm just gonna well
you're left to wait and see.

Speaker 4 (11:52):
But I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna not use.

Speaker 3 (11:54):
That speech for good like people always go, you know,
how we can change the world.

Speaker 4 (11:59):
This is this beach that's going to go viral. I'm
not here for that.

Speaker 1 (12:03):
What are you going to like, worship Satan or what
you're thinking?

Speaker 3 (12:07):
No, I mean it's because it's about me and and
my award. What the fuck am I sharing? You know
what other people should do with their lives. I don't
give a ship.

Speaker 2 (12:15):
Would you do so You're not going to be like
telling the other nominees that you respect them. You're going
to say like, suck it.

Speaker 3 (12:21):
I was yeah, yeah, I mean they know that because
they're not on there I am.

Speaker 4 (12:27):
And also, you know, sometimes they go, we are all winners.
No we're not. We're not. We're just not as people.

Speaker 3 (12:33):
It's like everyone is beautiful, they're not. I've seen some
ugly fucking people. Not everyone is beautiful.

Speaker 2 (12:45):
This is how you win, because now people are going
to want to hear this speech. Yeah, are you also
gonna sort of put some plans in place? Or is
it just sort of telling people to fuck off and
that they're not good enough? Will it also be like
and now I'm running for you know, I send it?

Speaker 5 (13:00):
Or no?

Speaker 4 (13:01):
I never want to do that, right, I never want
to do.

Speaker 3 (13:04):
You know what, when people actually find out what politicians
get paid.

Speaker 4 (13:08):
It's not that much.

Speaker 1 (13:10):
Not worth it.

Speaker 3 (13:11):
It's not worth it for the amount of shit you
have to take online. You know, someone comes with me,
like just this morning, I had a guy say to me,
I bet you were one of those people who were
into medical segregation during COVID, and I just went, you
bet your ass. I was, yeah, stay the fuck at home.
I was one of those people stay at home. I

(13:31):
stayed the fuck at home. I want you to stay
the fuck at home so that when I do break
the rules and drive around, I don't want to see
your ass in the street. I just want to enjoy
the quiet, you know. So yeah, I was, I am pro.
I am pro staying the fuck at home. And you
know what if they if they bring that in and
we all get three months off again, yeah, I'll.

Speaker 4 (13:50):
Be into that again.

Speaker 2 (13:51):
You'll be out breaking the rules. But as long as
you want everyone else to. Yeah, I get that.

Speaker 4 (13:55):
Yeah, because I if you know the rules, you can
break it.

Speaker 3 (13:58):
Like I know for a fact, I'm not going to
go near anyone else because I don't want to.

Speaker 1 (14:03):
You don't know people no.

Speaker 3 (14:04):
No, no, no no no, or you know, like do
people ever come up to you and go.

Speaker 4 (14:09):
Can I give you a hug?

Speaker 1 (14:12):
Occasionally?

Speaker 2 (14:13):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (14:13):
I get that all the time.

Speaker 3 (14:15):
So my ex wife, she used to go, you're too approachable,
you're too friendly. People go, I'm shopping. I'm in the supermarket.
I've got rice in the one arm and a box
of tampons and the other. This is obviously a few
years ago. And then people go just come up to
me and go, can I give you a hug? And
I'm like, I actually got my arm hands full, you know,
because you don't take the basket. Do you think you're

(14:36):
just there for bread and milk? And then before you
know you're carrying, you know, four hundred dollars worth of groceries.
And now I've got to hug a stranger.

Speaker 1 (14:44):
What do you do?

Speaker 3 (14:45):
Really, I don't want to hug the stranger. I always
hug them, but I don't want to. In my head,
I'm like, I wish this wasn't happening to me.

Speaker 1 (14:51):
I don't know what I do in that. It's a
big ask. It's awkward market.

Speaker 3 (14:57):
Yeah, because people they don't care. They never paint that
picture of like, oh she was shared a hands full,
shared her two kids with her her. You know, they
don't say that, They just go. I met Urshla Carlson once.
I asked her for a hug and she said no.
But they don't paint the full picture, like and I
was enjossed the best, you know, I was in my overalls,

(15:18):
I had some paint stains on me. I smelled like
old coffee and urine. They don't say that. They don't
say they don't paint their full picture.

Speaker 1 (15:26):
The coffee connected.

Speaker 3 (15:30):
Yeah, because you know, Auckland's quite humid, so it sort
of compresses and it gets quite woofy, like you can
smell people, You can smell like, oh like yesterday, just
yes that I went to the farmer's market, and yeah,
I do vaccinate, but I also enjoy a farmer's market.

Speaker 4 (15:46):
I'm one of the vaccinated ones at the farmer's market.

Speaker 3 (15:48):
So anyway, I as we left, it started to rain,
so then we hopped in the car. So I've got
my two kids, and then one of them had a
play date, and the playdate grabbed his jumper from in
the car.

Speaker 4 (16:00):
You know, the warm jersey whatever you call it, wherever
you live.

Speaker 3 (16:03):
Whatever you call that thing when you're getting a bit
cold and then you've got to put it on your
body to heat yourself up. We call it a jumper,
a jersey, whatever the fuck that is. That's what he grabbed.
But his mum obviously let the washing set moists on
top of each other, and then that humidity from the
Raine just brought that pong.

Speaker 4 (16:21):
Of rotten washing out.

Speaker 3 (16:23):
Oh grace, I know, it was so yark I'm like
take that off, and he goes, I'm cold.

Speaker 4 (16:27):
I'm like, take it off. I'm gonna throw it out
the window.

Speaker 3 (16:30):
But see that that's what happens in a humid human environment.
Like people don't think about that. They come up to
you and they start talking right in your face. You
had a coffee like forty five minutes ago. I'm like,
a I'm like a dog at the airport. I can
sniff all that shit out. I've got a really good smell,
which is a problem.

Speaker 2 (16:47):
You know, the whole day just from smelling him. Yeah,
you all that thing tells a story?

Speaker 4 (16:53):
Yes, very rarely is it a good story.

Speaker 1 (16:56):
I know someone who has no sense of smell.

Speaker 4 (16:58):
My mom's one of them. It's discussed.

Speaker 2 (17:01):
I know your mum, and I've thought of all the
senses to lose. Surely that's the best one because there's
not much where you're like, I'd say the chances of
a bad smell is far higher than a good spell,
Am I right?

Speaker 4 (17:12):
That's right? But also I guess can you imagine if
you were blind? I don't well.

Speaker 3 (17:18):
I mean the thing is because my mom can't smell,
so she always goes.

Speaker 4 (17:23):
You have to tell me if I stink, and.

Speaker 3 (17:25):
Now my brother and I have been it's almost like
out Yeah, it's like it's like, you know, we were
raised by a blind, you know, deaf mute basically. But
I can smell a shit three blocks away. I'm like,
someone didn't pick up their dog shit. I can, Honestly,
my sense of smell is off the rector scoll. Then
my mom's like, do I smell? And then she comes

(17:46):
up to me, and now you know, I love my mom.
This is the woman who had three kids before she
was twenty. You know, she's gone through a lot, But
now why do I have.

Speaker 4 (17:56):
To go through a lot?

Speaker 1 (17:56):
Because then she comes at me, Yeah, you've got a sniffer.

Speaker 3 (17:59):
Now I know I have to sniff her and to
make up for the fact she tries. Then she goes
the other way. So I've said to her, I go,
don't buy perfume. Let me buy perfume for you, because
you don't know what you're getting. And then she buys
that perfume that older woman like to wear, and when
they give you a hug at transfers onto your clothing

(18:19):
and then you have to set fire to that outfit
because you can never get that smell off, and that
smell is so rank. It's like musk and old camel pussy.
I don't know how.

Speaker 1 (18:30):
To like it.

Speaker 4 (18:31):
It just sits there in your nostrils.

Speaker 3 (18:33):
And you know what, You can never have an affair
with a woman who wears perfume like that because everyone
will go, oh, you fuck Letty, didn't you.

Speaker 4 (18:40):
My mum's name's Letty.

Speaker 2 (18:41):
Yeah, when your mom says, when lady says smell me,
do you specifically go umpit armpit?

Speaker 4 (18:47):
But no, I never smell no, No, I don't. I don't.

Speaker 3 (18:51):
I always just go, you smell Graylet just go, you
smell gray. But then I mean, she's always because she's
so careful because she can't smell. She like showers twice
a day. She always, you know, and she's she's in
she's in a toll can powder phase of life. So
there's always that whiff of talcum powder and that French
perfume that wafts the whole. It can be minus forty

(19:13):
degrees and always drive with the window open with her.
She thinks I suffer from hot flushes from there ages
seven true, Just like yeah, because I just need that
smell out of the car because she puts so much perfume,
so much to try and counter.

Speaker 1 (19:27):
She never had a sense of smell.

Speaker 3 (19:30):
No, and she she has the palette of a seven
year old. She's like, this side is great. I'm like,
it's that that stuff that the kids like, you know,
like red drink and all that really condensed flavors in
a you know, and whatever the kids eat, she eats.
It's disgusting. She doesn't appreciate good food. Get your rank.

(19:53):
My mum never listens to podcasts, So we can discuss freely.

Speaker 1 (19:56):
Yeah, we can talk about letty sweet sweet lovely letter.
She spells like a baby, so much taw kind of
spells like an old baby.

Speaker 4 (20:05):
Can I tell you something about the tail compowder?

Speaker 1 (20:08):
Yeah? Please.

Speaker 3 (20:09):
So my brother had issues with drugs, like I think
everyone's brother had a stint with you know, drugs, assume
you know. Anyway, my mom uses the tele compowder. So
then one Mother's Day we're all at my mom's and
he's sort of peeking, you know at this. I don't
know who goes high to mother's stay, but anyway, then
after it, after Mother's Day, I call him. I go,

(20:31):
you know, of all the days not to show up
high at mom's house. Mother's Day is one of the days,
you know.

Speaker 4 (20:37):
I'm not. I don't know if you'd put it in
your calendar.

Speaker 3 (20:40):
Well, the day not to show up high as a
fucking kite, as Mother's say, and her birthday the other
days go for gold.

Speaker 4 (20:46):
And he goes, I wasn't the only one that was.

Speaker 3 (20:47):
Hi there, I go, yes, you were, and he goes,
I went to the bathroom and someone had done cocaine
on the toilet seat.

Speaker 4 (20:54):
Because there was still some cocaine.

Speaker 3 (20:56):
I said, no, one is fucking doing cocaine off the toil,
let's see, and he goes, I saw the powder and
I checked it and it was cokaine.

Speaker 4 (21:05):
That's mum's talcum powder out of her knickers.

Speaker 3 (21:08):
You tested, you tasted pussy powder off a toilet seat,
Just say, you know that's what you were rubbing on
your gums.

Speaker 4 (21:16):
If that is a rock bottom, I don't know what
the fuck is.

Speaker 1 (21:19):
No.

Speaker 2 (21:19):
But the good news is it turns out he's not
actually into drugs the whole time. He's just been taking
taco pattering for it was drugs. Yeah, yeah, he's fucking
old lady. Yes, I've forgotten to tell you something, Tell
me something. Oh my god, I can't believe I forgot this.
I should have said this up top. I'll just say it.

(21:43):
You've died, You're dead, Oh yeah, I have. Yeah, how
did you die?

Speaker 4 (21:49):
Probably by running my mouth. That's why. That's how I reckon.

Speaker 3 (21:53):
I go because I cannot shut the fuck up about
stuff that's not right so much that might Stirrup bought
me a reflective vest for Christmas, which I think is overstepping,
but she bought me this reflective vest, and she said,
because I like to police people, I'll set the scene.

Speaker 4 (22:11):
This is how I die. Okay.

Speaker 3 (22:13):
If I walk at the airport and there's a big
group of people just standing in the middle of the
fucking walkway, I walk past, and then I always go,
what a great fucking place to stop. I do the
same in the mall, or you know, when a bunch
of guys standing at a doorway, I'm like, yeah, perfect
fucking place to stop and chat. Boys, Why don't you

(22:34):
get a biscuit and form a circle? You know, stuff
like that. I cannot shut the fuck up when something
is not right. Or if someone is texting and they
sort of blocking your way, I go look up like that,
right in their face, and then I walk past, but
then's sometimes people will turn and have a go at me,
and I just keep going like nothing just happened. But

(22:55):
one day someone is going to turn chase out to me,
and because I'm not a runner, They're just going to
pummel me today.

Speaker 4 (23:03):
And that's how I die.

Speaker 1 (23:04):
Punched my dad buy someone on a walkway.

Speaker 3 (23:08):
Okay, yeah, yeah, probably by like an android phone.

Speaker 4 (23:11):
How embarrassing?

Speaker 1 (23:14):
Wow? Okay, do you worry about death?

Speaker 3 (23:17):
Firstly, no, I mean in a sense like I've got
two little kids. But then also go, well, I've invested
in property, I've got a will, I've got a living will,
I've got you know, I've done all the adult things
that I'm supposed to do.

Speaker 1 (23:31):
Are you leaving everything too? Which kid?

Speaker 3 (23:34):
I mean, it's fifty to fifty at this point. But
I tell you what, siblings, only one of them is
getting something. I've got a brother and a sister. One
of them nothing.

Speaker 1 (23:45):
I think I know which one, mister tuk.

Speaker 4 (23:50):
No, now I'm leaving him some just so you can
have some problems.

Speaker 1 (23:54):
Yeah, how old are your kids?

Speaker 4 (23:56):
And eleven? My daughter's eleven, My.

Speaker 1 (23:58):
Son is a what's your favorite one?

Speaker 3 (24:01):
I honestly don't have a favorite. But my daughter's going
through a preteen stage, so she's making it hard. She's
making it hard, and I'm not into a hard life.
So the boy who still likes cuddles and and he's
the youngest one, but he's the only one who knows
to work the coffee machine.

Speaker 4 (24:19):
I've got a proper Barister coffee machine.

Speaker 3 (24:21):
Oh wow, that kid can make coffee like no one
in America's ever tasted a vine.

Speaker 1 (24:26):
He's the one putting you in in the coffee.

Speaker 3 (24:28):
No, no, Europe just tastes like piss in America. This
is why I reckon there's a gun control problem in America,
because they never wake up to a good cup of coffee.
I think I'd be aggressive if I just had to
drink shit coffee every fucking day of my life. You
wake up like coffee in New Zealand's so good. I

(24:49):
got to bed at night, and.

Speaker 4 (24:50):
Then I go, oh, tomorrow morning, I get to have
a coffee. I look forward to it. I have something.
What have you got in America?

Speaker 3 (24:58):
You're like, I'm going to buy an aar fifteen tomorrow.
You have nothing else to look forward to.

Speaker 1 (25:03):
What do you think happens when you die after life.

Speaker 3 (25:06):
I think, no, I think we're just rot and we go.
Although I do think there's some ghosts.

Speaker 1 (25:12):
Tell me about the ghosts.

Speaker 4 (25:14):
I would like to see this ghost.

Speaker 3 (25:17):
No, but okay, so Brett strapping right, Okay, So my
ex wife's grandma who's ashes are going to go scattered
this weekend.

Speaker 4 (25:26):
She passed away two years ago. When she died.

Speaker 3 (25:29):
She facetimes me and she goes, I'm about to die,
and I go, this is amazing, this is fantastic.

Speaker 4 (25:35):
I love people. Who are you know this is gonna happen.
So my ex wife was with me and she goes.

Speaker 3 (25:41):
No, you're not You're not going to die. And I'm like,
why do you think you're going to die? I'm like,
don't fucking patronize this. But she's ninety six years old.
She says she's gonna die. She's going to die, she knows,
she knows it. I go, why do you think you're
going to die? She goes, because I see Stanley and June.
Now Stanley's her late husband, June is a late sister.
She goes, they're in the room like they hear, like

(26:02):
they're real people. I'm like, this is fantastic because I've
heard hospital neens say these people think that, you know.

Speaker 4 (26:09):
I'm like, this is amazing. Yes, yeah, So I go,
that's that's great. I go, are you ready to go?

Speaker 3 (26:15):
You know, like she's packing for Florida? I go, are
you ready to go? She goes, I'm ready. I'm like yeah.
She goes, do you want me to send you a
sign if I can communicate with you? I go, yes,
I do, Yes, I do want you to send me
a sign. I said, send me a feather, because I'm
assuming this woman is going to be an angel, because
you know, she's ninety six and she's very pro you know,

(26:37):
she's happy for gay people to live their lives and
transfer shares no shit.

Speaker 4 (26:41):
I'm like, yeah, send me a sign.

Speaker 3 (26:42):
I said, send a feather where I wouldn't normally expect
to see a feather.

Speaker 4 (26:46):
Right then I'll know it's you. Anyway.

Speaker 3 (26:49):
She finishes that phone call with us, she phones her
son says, I'm about to die. He goes, let's poll
a sherry. They share a sherry. Fifteen minutes later, she
drops dead. She's dead. Then we have a zoom funeral
for her, and then you know it was during that time,
still with a medical segregation. And then then so she's dead.
And then it's summer and I see all these birds

(27:11):
on the lawn, like lying flat with their feathers out,
and I was like, the fuck are they doing?

Speaker 4 (27:15):
I think they did. I think they're all dead.

Speaker 3 (27:17):
And then when I go close to hide them from
the kids, they just up and fly away. And then
I got a ring camera, but you got to come
onto the porch just to ring the ring camera, and
a bird flies head first into the ring camera and
actually rings the doorbell. What the fuck is wrong with
these birds? I don't take any notice of it. The
bird flew into my house and caused so much drama

(27:39):
because you know, I'm not scared of birds.

Speaker 4 (27:40):
I'm not one of those people.

Speaker 3 (27:42):
But you're scared of something that flies around your house
being like a little bitch, let me tell you.

Speaker 4 (27:47):
So I was like, fuck, what is going on?

Speaker 3 (27:49):
And then have this little tree and it was tiny,
like five centimeters, would not grow, would not dye. My
mother in law gave it to me, and then suddenly
it's a Peacherini tree. But then all my friends started
teasing me about this tree because I kept trying to
make a grow it wouldn't and then they go, I
have this bonzai, but it's not a bonzai, but it

(28:10):
just didn't want to grow, but it didn't have the
decency to die. And then once after she died and
after the funeral, suddenly there were two little picherinis on
this Pizcerini tree and I was like, this is fantastic.

Speaker 4 (28:22):
So I told my mother in law.

Speaker 3 (28:23):
She goes, oh, that was from NaN's tree on the farm,
and I'm like oh. And then I started thinking, oh
my god, all these birds and she couldn't get a
feather off, you know, I don't know, maybe you don't
have hands, you know, ghost don't have hands.

Speaker 1 (28:37):
Camera, She's chucking birds at.

Speaker 4 (28:39):
Me, and I'm yeah, you fucking idiot, have a look.
Have a look, Have a look.

Speaker 3 (28:43):
And then then suddenly she made this tree grow. She's like, okay, fine,
I'll do this. And then I started thinking about the
birds so stuff like that, and I have found feathers
where there wouldn't be feathers normally, and so I do
think there is like something in the afterlife. And the
fact that she saw June and Stanley in the room,
you know, so they must present that a way. But

(29:05):
obviously with no hands to pick feathers, or maybe they
oppose the picking feathers.

Speaker 2 (29:10):
I think she's chucking the birds like a feather will
full off if I chuck a bird at this ring camera.
But the birds were tougher than she expected.

Speaker 4 (29:18):
Yeah, or maybe that's the one rule.

Speaker 3 (29:20):
You go to heaven, they go, no, don't fuck with
the feathers on these birds. I know you've all made
these arrangements because I think there's a lot of people
who think when they see a feather, they go, oh,
that's an angel. So I think we're birds in heaven,
or you know, it's like my compliance. You know, it's
probably an hr issue now in heaven where they go
every new desire comes in here and wants to fucking pluck.

Speaker 1 (29:43):
Us, wants to check us into a ring camera.

Speaker 4 (29:48):
Some rules.

Speaker 2 (29:49):
Yeah, yeah, well you're kind of right, Carlson. There is
a heaven, and amazingly you're going to it, and despite
your best efforts, and I was gonna say, it is
filled with your favorite thing. What's your favorite thing in
the entire world? My coffee machine. It is filled with
your coffee. It is the best coffee everywhere you look,

(30:12):
and there's your favorite sign making your coffee whenever you like.
It's just filled with it. It's wonderful, amazing. I love everyone.
There's so excited to see your huge fans. They've been
to all your tool shows. They love your stuff.

Speaker 4 (30:24):
They love you and kind, they love you the one Hungle.

Speaker 2 (30:27):
Only when you're carrying those and those of sacks of
coffee beans, then they were last. They want to talk
to you about your life, but they want to know
about your life through film. The first thing they ask
you is what's the first film you remember seeing it?

Speaker 3 (30:39):
Actually, it was actually quite exciting and it's just done
a whole full circle for me. The first film I
ever saw I was a little girl and it was
in Durban and South Africa, and I sat on my
mom's lap and was eaty, oh fuck yeah, And I
just met Drew Barrymore, and so I always felt like

(31:00):
full circle things. So when I got back, I've only
been back for three days, I invited my mom over,
put et on and I sat on her lap the
whole time watching it.

Speaker 4 (31:13):
I'll crush my mom.

Speaker 1 (31:17):
I don't know what a spell like? We get off do?

Speaker 4 (31:22):
I smell like panic? I can't get out.

Speaker 1 (31:25):
It was Drew barry More, lovely to you, did you
sit on your lap?

Speaker 4 (31:28):
She was so nice.

Speaker 3 (31:29):
She was so nice and as down to earth as
you can sing and everything that she sort of portrays
that soft and you know, cuddly and she's all of that.
She's just a lovely, lovely person. I can't imagine anyone
ever being mean to her.

Speaker 4 (31:44):
She's one of those. You know, we all have that
friend where he goes where the fuck?

Speaker 3 (31:47):
If everyone anyone's ever mean to you or will find them,
you know, we'll fight them and we'll punch them in
the fucking mouse in front of them.

Speaker 1 (31:54):
Mother.

Speaker 2 (31:54):
Yeah, if gy Montgomery tries to make her spell, I
will fuck.

Speaker 4 (31:59):
I will climbing and fuck him up.

Speaker 3 (32:02):
I will because it's so tall, but I will climb
in and hit Buttom in the mouth.

Speaker 4 (32:07):
O this, Oh he does, he does. He finds your weakness.
He's an evil man.

Speaker 1 (32:17):
What is the film that made you cry the most?
I know you a crier?

Speaker 4 (32:22):
I'm not a crier.

Speaker 3 (32:23):
I always say I never developed a taste for it,
like it really has to be something too. But I
watch beaches and even now sometimes I feel like because
I'm not a cry, I'm not a very I was
a dunk. It's super excited or super you know, like
I keep my ship in check, you know, try and
save my energy from the lion gets out, you know,
and that happens.

Speaker 4 (32:44):
That happens more.

Speaker 2 (32:45):
Than you think. I mean, And you think a bird
in your house is a stressful thing. A lion honestly,
it'll scare you. Scare you need to get all your
emotions for that.

Speaker 3 (32:56):
But sometimes I think it's good to cry, and you
sort of have to get that out right. So then
I will put that movie on. I'll clear my schedule,
I'll go I'm home alone tonight, and I'll put Beaches on,
and as soon as the movie starts, I start crying,
just to get it out the way.

Speaker 4 (33:14):
It's like it's like when you line up a good porno.

Speaker 3 (33:17):
You know, you get the clip and then you sort
of whack off and your climax before the good bit in.

Speaker 4 (33:23):
The you know, yeah, and then you go, damn it.

Speaker 3 (33:27):
I wish I'd waited, because this would have been good
to whack off too.

Speaker 4 (33:31):
But I'm done now. You know, nothing makes porn. You're
like close this shit.

Speaker 3 (33:36):
This is yuck because you're done. So it's the same
with Beaches. I don't need to watch the whole thing,
because I've seen the whole thing a few times. So
I start crying and then I'm like, oh no, it's good.
The tear ducks are good. Everything works. I'm like, I
wonder if I should have cried it something a friend
dog died or whatever, and they're bawling their eyes out,
and you're like, I'm so sorry, but.

Speaker 1 (33:57):
Did you not cry all the way through tea? I
find devastating?

Speaker 4 (34:01):
Do you?

Speaker 1 (34:02):
I can't watch it.

Speaker 3 (34:03):
I didn't even get a moist eye even when nothing,
when that plant died, nothing, I had nothing. Sha, No,
they're on the inside, mate. But beaches God, wow, No
beaches make me cry. I just look at bed middle.

Speaker 1 (34:18):
Yeah. Unaffected by et.

Speaker 4 (34:21):
Yeah, heaps of people were. I mean, you're not you know,
you're not lying. It's it's not you, it's me.

Speaker 1 (34:26):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (34:26):
What's the film that scared you the most? Do you
like being scared?

Speaker 3 (34:31):
I'm so scared of horrors or I mean, I can
watch a thriller still, But the movie that's scared the
absolute living Jesus Christ right out of me was the Ragnophobia.

Speaker 4 (34:43):
And not because of that.

Speaker 3 (34:45):
Okay, so you know when they sort of climbed through
the into the top and the what do you call it?

Speaker 4 (34:53):
You know, where all the spiders when the roof.

Speaker 3 (34:54):
Right, and I was watching it at a friend's house,
are like seventeen years old, and we're both on bed,
just watching it in her parents room in the losol
and her dad opens the door and he throws a
ball of socks at us. So I didn't see him
open the and when that that ball of socks hit
me as those spiders came out, I'm telling you, I

(35:16):
ship my pants a.

Speaker 4 (35:17):
Little bit that night. I did.

Speaker 3 (35:19):
I had, I had a full little nugget just popping.
It was horrific.

Speaker 1 (35:24):
And your mom had no idea.

Speaker 3 (35:26):
No, no, she I mean she's not blind, she's sort
of skiddy. But the race, you know, wow, it was
it was frightening to me. That whole movie is just unnecessary.

Speaker 1 (35:39):
How old was this dad doing this to you? How
old were you when this was going on?

Speaker 4 (35:43):
I was seventeen, seventeen, right, yeah, But I think.

Speaker 3 (35:47):
His biggest threat wasn't wasn't really you know, trying to
scare us. You know, we're two young girls, seventeen year olds,
side by side on their bed watching this movie. But
we're both lesbians. And training, you know, so I and
he sort of came in to keep an eye and
then he's like, what the hell is going on here?

Speaker 4 (36:04):
Yeah? Yeah, break it up? I think so. But you know,
in a ways, like.

Speaker 3 (36:09):
Hosing down two dogs, you know, in a way, it
kind of worked for his daughter because she stayed in
the closet. She's now unhappily married to a man's.

Speaker 4 (36:20):
Yeah, still in the closet.

Speaker 3 (36:21):
But you know that that that nugget just sick me free.

Speaker 4 (36:25):
I was like, I'm coming out.

Speaker 1 (36:29):
You left that house.

Speaker 4 (36:32):
Yeah, it doesn't even know.

Speaker 1 (36:33):
God a great guy. Anyway.

Speaker 2 (36:37):
What is the film that you love? It is not
critically acclaimed, but you love it.

Speaker 3 (36:44):
This is an ice skating movie and it's corny as hell.
The Cutting Edge, it's called The Cutting Edge with Okay,
so that these two there's a newer one, but this
one is the one with with DEVV Sweinger, Moro Kelly,
the O G Cutting Edge Classic. So when I was
learning English in high school, they would play this movie

(37:04):
on the Beto Max, you know the VCR, so you
had to type, had to put it in. They would
rent it week on a week by week basis from
the video store and then we would wheel in this
heavy TV put it in, and then we could only
watch ten minutes at a time, and so we'd watch
it and then we had to write some stuff, some

(37:24):
words we recognize, and oh, I see yeah, you know language.

Speaker 1 (37:30):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (37:31):
But then I couldn't wait.

Speaker 3 (37:32):
I was like, I was begging my mom, and you know,
we grew up real poort. I'm like, please, can we
go get that video? And so sometimes I would go
take the video out for a week and then the
school couldn't get it, and they go, we can't get
the video. Someone else took it out and it was
at my house for five days. I got five videos
for five days because you know twenty five rand back

(37:53):
in the day, and my mom would let me keep
it and I didn't say anything. And then I rewatched
that movie so many times I know word for word,
and then I did so well at my English exam
that year because they go, what else did you recognize?
I'm like the whole fucking dialogue, which I watched that
movie every time. The school couldn't see it.

Speaker 1 (38:14):
Can you give me of the cutting outs down?

Speaker 4 (38:16):
Yes? Okay.

Speaker 3 (38:17):
I even learned some Russian words lagana ni lagan or
everything from the coach, I can take that rock off.

Speaker 4 (38:25):
It's cutting hell out of my hands and stuff like that.

Speaker 3 (38:28):
And it's one of those movies where the dialogue keeps
coming back, and so I am that annoying preck. When
you watch the movie with me, if anyone goes, oh
my god, you know meat is so shut the fuck up.
You got to listen to this otherwise the comebacks isn't
gonna make any sense. I hate when people talking to
comedy talking of fucking horror. You know, they just go

(38:49):
to scare the shit out of you later. But here
you got to you gotta listen to the dialogue. Otherwise
the comebacks might't make any fucking sceense. It's more important
to listen to a comedy than to anything else.

Speaker 1 (38:58):
Agreed.

Speaker 2 (38:59):
Agreed, What is the film that you used to love
but you've voiced it recently and you've thought, I don't
like this anymore.

Speaker 1 (39:05):
I am a changed person.

Speaker 4 (39:07):
Top Gun? I love top Gun? Right, talk to me, Goose,
talk to me.

Speaker 3 (39:14):
I loved it like we watched it with the neighbors
all the time we were recreated. We'd sit in the
tree like where the tree house like, and then I
watch it again and go. It's so fucking cringe. Even
the way he walks and like walk like a normal person.
He walks like a short king who's wearing heels, like
he's got that bounce on when his everything, and even

(39:35):
when he sings to her in the bar, I'm like,
if that happened, she would spake him in his mouth
and go shut the fuck up.

Speaker 4 (39:42):
I said no. And then when he follows her into
the bathroom, I'm like, he needs to be tasted. This
guy is not getting the message.

Speaker 3 (39:50):
Like she said no thanks, then he sings for and
then she goes, no, really, no thanks. Then she goes
to the bathroom and he goes in after her. Go, dude,
you got some ripe energy. Okay, Like you can't follow
someone into.

Speaker 4 (40:03):
A bathroom, What the hell is wrong with you? I
shouldn't need him in the nuts.

Speaker 3 (40:07):
But see, then he sort of wore her down, and
eventually something's just easier to just.

Speaker 4 (40:11):
Fuck him to get him out of your life, you know.
And I think that's what happened there.

Speaker 2 (40:15):
You think that's what That's what the story of top
about it is. She's just like yeah, worn down.

Speaker 3 (40:19):
Yeah, She's like, you know what, I just got to
give I just I just gotta fuck him.

Speaker 4 (40:23):
That's how he's going to leave me.

Speaker 3 (40:25):
And then he does kind of like at the end,
it looks like he's back, you know, she's she comes back,
but realistically she's like, oh Christ, they didn't leave.

Speaker 4 (40:34):
You didn't get you didn't get seen. She was hoping
it get shot.

Speaker 1 (40:39):
Down, but she was like, what it happened to Goose?
Happened to him?

Speaker 3 (40:43):
Yeah, you know, she fiddled with that ejectacy.

Speaker 4 (40:47):
That's why I smashed it.

Speaker 1 (40:48):
And there's the wrong plane?

Speaker 4 (40:49):
Yeah, yeah, Yeah.

Speaker 2 (40:52):
What's the film that means the most to you? Not
necessarily the film itself is good, but because the experience
you had around seeing the film will always make it
important to you.

Speaker 1 (41:03):
As the car please, I.

Speaker 3 (41:04):
Guess Steal Magnolia's because Steal Magnolia's is one of those
films that you watch with your friends. Like, I've never
watched it just by myself. You know how sounds like
you're like, I'll watch something I've never watched Steel Magnolia's alone.

Speaker 4 (41:19):
Never.

Speaker 3 (41:19):
It's sort of one of those that I always watch
with a friend. And then I've got a friend who
lives in Ireland and she goes Stell Magnolia's is her
top film. It's my top film, like it's in my
top five, right, So I always think still Magnolia's is
sort of the one that I go.

Speaker 4 (41:35):
It's a bonding thing, really, So.

Speaker 1 (41:37):
You cry when you watch that one.

Speaker 4 (41:39):
A little bit, but not not beach just cry. I can.
I can hide it.

Speaker 3 (41:43):
I can hide the cry like I can hide the
cringe during a sixteen when you're watching a.

Speaker 2 (41:48):
Can you show me the face you do when you're
when you're hiding a cry.

Speaker 1 (41:54):
It's good.

Speaker 2 (41:55):
Yeah, it's good because if I was I'd be like, fuck,
she's angry about something you look at?

Speaker 4 (41:59):
Yeah, yeah, I'm like, yeah.

Speaker 1 (42:04):
Something, she's got a lot going on, she's already watching
you know.

Speaker 3 (42:08):
Yeah yeah, And the song goes you're right what, Yeah,
I'm fucking alright. It's easier when you when you're stretching
out your eyes to not let the tears down.

Speaker 4 (42:17):
Yeah, yeah, you just gotta go here.

Speaker 1 (42:19):
This is me next.

Speaker 2 (42:20):
I don't want anyone to ever see me but next
to someone i've accidentally because I always go alone. If
I know it's going to be sad, I want to
see me i've accidentally taken someone. It's turned out sad
there on the right of me.

Speaker 4 (42:33):
I'm like this, Yeah, it's the openness.

Speaker 1 (42:38):
Little door that you're coming up on. Pills, put it down.

Speaker 3 (42:44):
Hype that. I would rather have an accidental horror, which
is not a genre that I enjoy, or sci fi,
which I definitely don't enjoy. I'd rather accidentally watch that
than have an accidental said movie.

Speaker 1 (42:58):
Oh, accidental sad movie there is. I'm like, you should
have told anyone to.

Speaker 4 (43:04):
Prepaid for this ship. Yeah, yeah, I don't like that.
Are you not a crier either?

Speaker 1 (43:09):
Not in front of people discussing? No?

Speaker 4 (43:11):
I I yeah.

Speaker 3 (43:12):
I also when people are that or you know, my
best friend, she's a massive crier.

Speaker 4 (43:17):
She's like, oh my god, I just.

Speaker 3 (43:19):
She will cry, and you know, I can go went
on with her. I set little challenges for myself. I go,
I can't make her cry in the first five minutes,
and I can set it up any way, you know,
like her daughter is pregnant at the moment, and I
just yesterday we're doing nothing, nothing right. This is just

(43:39):
after the farmer's market and she's like, how was your day?
And then I was like, you're good, I said, you know,
I've been thinking about this little baby, you know, and
how special it is that we're getting a whole new person.
And she's like, I know, you know, I'm so excited
for this baby boom. She was crying and in my

(44:00):
head I was like yeah, buck, yeah, yeah, yeah, and
I was just smiling.

Speaker 4 (44:05):
It's like, well, and I'm like nothing, but I knew.

Speaker 3 (44:09):
I knew that I had done that. And it was like,
because you have to say little challenges so you can
have many successes for yourself. Yeah, so you can go,
I do this.

Speaker 1 (44:19):
You know this is the power. Yeah. I mean you're
an absolute psychopath.

Speaker 2 (44:23):
Yeah, so you're like looking at people as sort of
power challenges. Can I control with everyone in this room?
Make them cry?

Speaker 4 (44:32):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (44:32):
My job is like I know I can make someone laugh.
That's not like I know I can do that, but
can I do the opposite?

Speaker 1 (44:39):
But can you make them cry?

Speaker 4 (44:40):
Yeah? Because it's ying and yang. Like if you can't
make them cry, can you trust the laughter?

Speaker 3 (44:46):
That's all I'm saying. You gotta you gotta balance it out,
break like you just gotta. It's like giving yourself a
hug from both sides.

Speaker 4 (44:53):
You know, you go, I got it.

Speaker 2 (44:55):
I got in a supermarket whiles carrying loads of stuff
on both sides.

Speaker 1 (45:00):
Pray. What is the film you most relate to?

Speaker 4 (45:05):
Bridesmaids?

Speaker 1 (45:06):
Great movie? Great movie? Who you most relating to? Everyone?
The whole vibe?

Speaker 3 (45:11):
I think everyone, because I think we are all all
of those people. Okay, so mainly Melissa mccafey, I guess,
you know, because I am the one that would I
do think she steals a little lot of shit, you know,
But she believes her friends, like even the new ones,
Like these people are all new to her, but she's like,
I'm with you, like I I will fight for you.

Speaker 4 (45:32):
I believe you will fight for me.

Speaker 3 (45:34):
So but all of them in different ways, even the
brides sometimes you know that bit where she's hiding before
the wedding, I'm like, I get that, where you go.
I just want to be in my own space, you know,
and not have like I think about that because I'm single.

Speaker 4 (45:48):
So I think about that a lot.

Speaker 3 (45:50):
When you're fighting in bed, when you're single, you can
you can just go ah, I need far, and you
do because there's no one there, you know, and you
make decisions and I'm not talking like big decisions, like
I wonder if we should move I wonder, you know,
because you don't think like I'm almost fifty years old.
But then I still get a kick out of the

(46:12):
fact that I make the fucking decisions around here. I
chose this neighborhood. Yeah, and because I chose this neighborhood,
my kids have to go to school here. They don't
get a siye you know how cool that is, Like
they don't get a sight like.

Speaker 1 (46:27):
Now quick make them cry forty seconds?

Speaker 4 (46:29):
Yeah, yeah, that's right. Do you like your school? Do
you like your friends? Well, we're moving, we're moving tomorrow.

Speaker 1 (46:39):
No.

Speaker 3 (46:39):
But I when you're aligne, it's like you just have this,
you have all the power. Like when I just moved
into my house, I said to my friend the crier,
I go, do you know what I did with all
the art? Why I have all this eclectic art and stuff?
I go, do you know what I did with all
my art?

Speaker 4 (46:54):
She goes, what? I go? Whatever the fuck I wanted.

Speaker 3 (46:57):
I didn't have to look at another adult and go,
do you think we can put this bicycle in the
dining room. I just put the fucking bicycle in the
dining room because I like, that's it.

Speaker 4 (47:06):
And there's a certain power that comes with that that
I go. I don't want to. I don't want to
give that to someone else.

Speaker 2 (47:12):
No, I completely agree and get it. I don't understand
why anyone would ever be in a relationship. It makes
no sense.

Speaker 1 (47:18):
No, I'd rather run through fire. What is the sexiest
film you've ever seen?

Speaker 4 (47:26):
Oh?

Speaker 3 (47:27):
Look, I'm so happy about this question. And I feel
like this could be the turning point for this movie
to make it more accessible and then we can just
find it.

Speaker 4 (47:37):
So I don't want to get this right.

Speaker 3 (47:39):
It's called kiss Me, but it's it's a Swedish film
like you have you must be able to read, and
thank Christ for the cutting edge and my English schecking
language teacher.

Speaker 4 (47:49):
I have that now, I have that in my wheelhouse.

Speaker 1 (47:53):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (47:53):
Okay, so it's a Swedish movie called kiss Me, but
it's also known as with every heartbeat Swedish film. I
think it made globally just I three hundred thousand dollars. Okay,
it is the hottest film you've ever seen? Now spoiler,
it is a lesbian film. But it is beautifully shot.

(48:14):
It is You're on board, it is beautifully shot. It
is it's got a great.

Speaker 4 (48:24):
I love their work too.

Speaker 3 (48:25):
No, I mean it is beautifully shot. The storyline is good.
You know, sometimes you watch lesbian films and it's always like, oh,
at the end, they all go back to the dude
or they all you know, like it's always it always
ends horrific. But this is just a beautiful storyline, beautifully shot.
This one is also my top five movies of all time.

Speaker 4 (48:48):
But you struggle to find.

Speaker 3 (48:49):
It because it wasn't a commercial success, you know, it
was just this and it is actually I think it
is a story based off the director's actual life. Wow,
you know, I think she did the whole thing. But
it's really beautiful.

Speaker 2 (49:03):
There's a subcategory troubling boners, worrying wide on a film
you found arousing that you weren't sure that you were
meant to.

Speaker 4 (49:12):
I thought about this, and I really struggled with this one.

Speaker 3 (49:16):
Yeah, and I'm sorry to do this to you because
I know this is your podcast, but I've changed then.
I'm like something that I think was supposed to give
me a white on but gave me the drys pussy
on the planet his eyes wide shut.

Speaker 2 (49:31):
I agree that is a profoundly un sexy film.

Speaker 3 (49:36):
Honestly, I because my friend is like, this is this
is amazing, you know, and then she goes, this will
change your perspective on things, and I, you know what,
it made me disrespect swingers.

Speaker 4 (49:46):
That's all I did. Like, I was like, this is
so fucking confusing.

Speaker 3 (49:50):
And even though you know, like they were married, you
kind of go, why is there no chemistry between these
two people?

Speaker 1 (49:57):
That's what.

Speaker 4 (49:58):
There's nothing.

Speaker 1 (49:59):
I think.

Speaker 2 (50:00):
I think people who were together shouldn't do stuff on
camera together because chemistry comes from not being together. I think, yeah,
I think if you actually have been together you were,
you mont have chemistry.

Speaker 3 (50:11):
It was it was like walking in on your brothers.
Just the fucking it was. It was weird.

Speaker 4 (50:17):
I was like, something is not right.

Speaker 2 (50:19):
I listen each to their own, but it's a fucking
it's I do.

Speaker 1 (50:24):
I've watched that.

Speaker 2 (50:25):
I watched that film again recently to see if I
had like misunderstood it.

Speaker 1 (50:29):
It's not fun.

Speaker 4 (50:30):
It's very nothing in the well, you go, I'm more
confused then I was.

Speaker 2 (50:36):
You know, there's some very if I may be so bold,
there are some very beautiful naked women in it that
are in it. But aside from that, the kind of
stuff that's meant to be like, oh, here's the sexy stuff.
It's like cold, this is cold.

Speaker 3 (50:53):
Yeah, honestly, it's like your brain goes, okay, are you ready?
Don't make a full of yourself here in spite of
the seat, and then the movie starts and you go,
no mind, I'm dry eitheran I've ever been.

Speaker 1 (51:10):
Don't know everyone, what is objectively the greatest film you've
ever seen? The Pinnacle of cinema may not be your favorite,
but the greatest.

Speaker 3 (51:19):
I mean the genres that I like is probably like,
there's nothing that you go, oh, this took a lot
to shirt or this. You know. One of the best
movies that I think is The Mara's Two Faces with
Barbara Streuiser.

Speaker 1 (51:33):
Oh never come up before on this podcast.

Speaker 4 (51:36):
Listen when you watch that movie, and you should go
watch that movie.

Speaker 3 (51:40):
Yeah, there is so many stars in that movie, Like
literally every fucking person cast in that movie is a
ten oar teen and you go, wow, how did they
even get these people? And it's just it is funny,
it is warm, it is beautiful, it is you know, everything,

(52:02):
it is everything. I also kind of relate a lot
to that movie, but just so Barbra Streisand as a
professor and Jeff Bridges as a professor, and then he
is sick of dating hot models, right, he's sick.

Speaker 4 (52:17):
Of dating beautiful So this is before the Internet.

Speaker 3 (52:19):
He puts a personal ad in the paper and he
said he's looking for just an average look and check
looks doesn't matter. He just wants to connect with someone
on an intellectual level. And then her sister answers the
ad on her behalf, and then he goes to and
they see that they're both professors at the same university.

(52:40):
So he goes to her class and she's an English professor.
He's a math professor, and he sees like her class
is absolutely busting at the scenes and no one's leaving,
and because she's a great storyteller and you know, so
the storytelling, and then how she's not very attractive, like
esthetically like you wouldn't go, oh, yeah, she's on the

(53:01):
same level as the models, but she's just you know,
like really good like soul people.

Speaker 4 (53:08):
You know.

Speaker 3 (53:09):
So I'm Jeff Bridges. Of course I just want to
fuck models, but I'm going to go farther.

Speaker 1 (53:17):
I get it there.

Speaker 4 (53:18):
Yeah, well I'm Barbara's what, well.

Speaker 1 (53:22):
I think you're Jeff Bridges. I actually think you are
Jeff bridges. I think you've got the.

Speaker 2 (53:28):
What is the film that you could or have watched
the most over and over again?

Speaker 4 (53:35):
Well, that's hands down the cutting edge.

Speaker 1 (53:39):
Yeah, that's what you have a thing, you know.

Speaker 3 (53:40):
Getting back to that, there's not a word in the
hidden in there that I don't know. If you and
I watched that movie right now, I wouldn't miss one word,
even you know, the background.

Speaker 4 (53:51):
Acting only one word. I know all of that.

Speaker 3 (53:55):
Like at one point he comes in and he says
to you rather that he has not been to the
Merchant Marines, and he goes, well, if you haven't been
to the Merchant Marines, what have you been doing? And
he goes figure skirting and then so it's just silence
in the bar, and then the background acted us.

Speaker 4 (54:10):
Did he say finger painting? And it's just so funny
it just cracks out every time did he say finger painting?

Speaker 1 (54:20):
It's a good movie. Yeah, what is the worst film
we've ever seen? Let's not be too negative, La la
lan get out. Don't be ridiculous. It is shit.

Speaker 3 (54:34):
You're incorrect, It is okay, like none of it. I
don't buy any of it. I don't buy their romance.
I don't like their singing and you you know, you know, La,
It's like, don't try and sell us a fucking postcard
when we all know it's a shitholes.

Speaker 2 (54:51):
It's exactly like that film. People are tap dancing on
the freeway and wandering around down the cool lane. There's
jazz class as far as I could see.

Speaker 1 (55:01):
It's exactly like my last.

Speaker 4 (55:06):
Trip down to l A, which is a week ago.

Speaker 3 (55:10):
As we're leaving, there's some road rage in front of us,
and I offered, you know, because I'm polite, I offered
to the driver, I said, would you like me to
flip them the bird as we.

Speaker 4 (55:20):
Go pass right?

Speaker 3 (55:21):
Because I can't give him my normal words in passing,
as I've explained before, So I was going to give
him the visual fund yourself. And he goes no, because
everyone's got guns, And I went, oh, yeah, I didn't
see that.

Speaker 4 (55:37):
In Lala Land. Can't even flip some of the bird.

Speaker 2 (55:40):
He does beat her at the beginning of the film,
and she doesn't put a gun on him.

Speaker 4 (55:45):
To be fair, I don't think it's accurate.

Speaker 1 (55:48):
Yeah, maybe you're right, maybe the whole thing collapses.

Speaker 3 (55:52):
I watched Lola Land because everyone's carrying on about it
it's like, oh my god, it's beautiful. It's the best movie.
And I watched it and I went, this is this
is horseshit is what this is like. I'm never getting
this time back. I could have watched The Cutting Edge
another time.

Speaker 4 (56:08):
I'm gonna watch it.

Speaker 1 (56:09):
Listen. I can't argue with your use of time cutting edgeways.
You're very funny.

Speaker 2 (56:14):
What's the film that made you laugh the mostdmaids?

Speaker 3 (56:21):
Bridesmaids is just one of those films that you go
everything in it is funny, you laugh so much, and
then you go back and you're like, holy shit. Also,
can I give a special shout out to role models?

Speaker 1 (56:35):
Models?

Speaker 4 (56:36):
Okay, you know that is so good. That is such
a good movie.

Speaker 3 (56:41):
But you know in that in that when they just
get sentenced and they go, do you know sort of
the initiation for the group, you know, how to you know,
the bigs to act around the littles, and then with
the hugging, this hug is good and then the other
hug is not good.

Speaker 4 (56:57):
And then when he turns to me, I get it.

Speaker 3 (57:00):
We're not supposed to be bought fucking these kids. In
the first time I heard that, I laughed so hard
and nearly blacked down.

Speaker 4 (57:10):
I honestly, I could see stars.

Speaker 3 (57:12):
I was like, it was just it's just so I
get it when I was supposed to be bought fucking
these kids and a sudden, it's.

Speaker 1 (57:21):
Such a good movie that underrated.

Speaker 3 (57:22):
It's amazing, and like that's one of the movies that
and I'll Paul right, you could anything with Paul Rudd. Okay,
So that is a red flag if anyone goes they
don't like Paul Run.

Speaker 4 (57:33):
It's so immediate. Red flag.

Speaker 3 (57:35):
Mean that person's a cunt and I will never trust him.
Like I love Jim Carrey movies. I like, honestly, I
don't think he's made anything shit ever. But then people
I'm sort of you know, Jim care like whatever. But
the minute they did Paul Run, I'm like, oh, fuck
your mother. Oh, Michael fall in love with me?

Speaker 2 (57:54):
Now when you're fucking their mother and then your mother
mother falls in love with you. Yeah, because of your
physical prowess. Is it because of the words you use
during or is it a mixture of the two.

Speaker 3 (58:08):
Yeah, it's a whole because it's a package, isn't it.
It's like the sexual charisma. Do they feel loved yes,
but not love bond. Yeah yeah, yeah yeah right, and
then you leave? No, no, no, no, no, I don't leave.

Speaker 4 (58:24):
I slowly poison their mother's mind for them.

Speaker 5 (58:28):
Right.

Speaker 3 (58:29):
I will love their mother till she dies. You know,
I'm always going to be with her. I'm going to
marry their mother. And I will not say anything. I
will make sure everything's positive. I love her gardening, I
love her food, I love everything. And then I just go,
does break look alrighty? And that's it just for that day.
Then three days later I go, you know, I did

(58:50):
say something a little bit racist, but maybe I just misunderstood.

Speaker 4 (58:54):
And then she'll push me for more, and I say.

Speaker 3 (58:56):
You know what, I don't know. He's your son. You
did not raise a racist because you are the best mother.
But now this too too strong. And then then later
I go, listen, vibes. Can I use your car? There's
something's wrong with my car? I asked rad if I
can use this car? I said, there's no way. What

(59:17):
three strikes? So I got it's not an issue. I mean,
he's got a very nice car. You know, I probably
wouldn't want me to use my car. You know, he
doesn't know what's happening to mine. He's a good boy.
Don't worry about it. Leave it, just leave it. I
don't want any drama, but I do want drama.

Speaker 4 (59:36):
Oh my god, I know how to do that. I
had executed that.

Speaker 1 (59:40):
No really, yeah, oh my god. This is where you
learn these girls from.

Speaker 4 (59:44):
Yeah, yeah, you.

Speaker 3 (59:48):
Yeah, she's one of those. It's like and I was like,
oh my god. She is so soft spoken. She's so
I'm like, listen, you guys don't know this, but is crazy?

Speaker 1 (59:57):
Did she nut? Would she say to Letty, I love
Actually you breathe such a good she stinks.

Speaker 4 (01:00:03):
No, you don't know. She smells like shit, like she
just sat on nugget.

Speaker 3 (01:00:08):
Like someoneus through socks at it. Every time she says
all the socks, she shits her.

Speaker 1 (01:00:11):
Pants as the cuss.

Speaker 2 (01:00:16):
You have been wonderful. However, he was walking along the airport.
You're walking along the walkway. There's a geezer stood in
the middle of the walkway. You're late for your plane,
your power walking. He's just looking at his phone, stood
in the middle. You go out behind him and you
go look up, step to the side, and then you
walk past him.

Speaker 1 (01:00:36):
He looks up.

Speaker 2 (01:00:37):
He goes what do you say to me? And you
keep walking faster, and then he goes, oh, no, no,
and he chases you. He's got a little bounce because
of the you know, the sort of rubbery walkway thing.
He's gaining on you like a sort of fast astronaut,
you know what I mean. And you're like oh, and
you turn around and he jumps on you, froze you
to the ground before the walkway ends. Your head gets

(01:00:59):
caught in the spikes as the walkway's ending, you know
what I mean, And he sat your head. He goes
right through your skull, takes your whole face off, and
your head splatters across the airport and he says, pummeling,
and you're pumming it. I'm walking along with a coffin
instead of a suitcase, you know what. I'm like on holiday?
I go what's going on over here? And this guy goes,

(01:01:20):
do you know I said the carson? I go yeah,
and he goes, I just took her fucking head off
because she was very rude to me. He go, I go, mate,
that's no way to treat a person. And he goes, well,
I've done it now, and I go fair enough, I
guess you've done it, and I go, well, at least
you do is help me. So we start putting you
in the coffin, but there's bits of you under the walkway.
We're having to stop. Sorry, everyone, have to stop the
walkway people. I'm trying to get to a plane, I know,

(01:01:43):
but like her, face has got to come back round,
do you know what I mean? We wait for your
face to come back around. I take that and I
put it in. It's more of you than I was expecting.
Coffin's absolutely ram. There's only enough room in this coffin
for me to slip one DVD into the side for
you to take across to the other side. And on
the other side movie night every night? What film are
you taking to show the people of Coffee Machine Heaven

(01:02:05):
when it is your movie night? Asula Castle, please go, there's.

Speaker 3 (01:02:09):
A finger painting the cutting edge.

Speaker 1 (01:02:17):
Well, you've done it.

Speaker 2 (01:02:19):
Tell us what you would like us to watch or
listen to in the coming months that might start will
be about you.

Speaker 3 (01:02:26):
I think everyone needs to go watch Kind of Pregnant
on Netflix. It's so funny, so funny, so funny. I
was lucky enough to see it in the proper cinema.

Speaker 1 (01:02:37):
Yeah, it should be.

Speaker 4 (01:02:38):
The premiere and I was so happy that I got
to do that.

Speaker 3 (01:02:40):
So, you know, if you if you've got a few
bob hanging around, go to your local cinema, ask them
if they can show you something, and you can book
out a whole cinema and take your friends.

Speaker 4 (01:02:50):
You know, why would you not? What a flex? And
then I'm also.

Speaker 3 (01:02:53):
Touring all over going North America, the UK, everywhere. People
should check it on my wad s which socialson dot com.

Speaker 4 (01:03:02):
Well my only fans?

Speaker 1 (01:03:04):
Oh well yeah, what's your only fans?

Speaker 4 (01:03:07):
I loved him. Only fans?

Speaker 5 (01:03:09):
You should you'd be a billionaire, I know. But I
just want to be mean to people.

Speaker 1 (01:03:15):
No, I mean brillionaire if you did that.

Speaker 3 (01:03:17):
Honestly, I'm like, I can't believe people pay other people
to be mean to them.

Speaker 4 (01:03:24):
Yeah, I'm like, I'll do it for free. I'm saying
that I don't have a heart for it.

Speaker 3 (01:03:29):
I do hug strangers in the supermarket when they go
Do you want to hug a girl courts?

Speaker 1 (01:03:37):
If you are excellent? I have loved this. Thank you
very much for your me too.

Speaker 4 (01:03:43):
It's so nice to meet you.

Speaker 1 (01:03:45):
So nice to meet you. I hope I see you
one day in the world.

Speaker 4 (01:03:48):
Yeah, I'm sure you will.

Speaker 1 (01:03:50):
Loads of love. Good day.

Speaker 2 (01:03:54):
So that was episode three hundred and forty. Head over
to the Patreon at patreon dot com Forward Slash.

Speaker 1 (01:03:59):
Break Goals Team.

Speaker 2 (01:04:00):
Next twenty minutes of chat, sepres and video with Urshula.
Go to Apple Podcast. Give us a five star rating.
But right about a film that means the most to
you and y so lovely thing to read. It helps numbers,
et cetera. And it's really appreciate my name, but more
he loves it. Thank you so much to Urchler for
giving me your time. Thanks to Scrubby's Pipping Destruction, Pieces
of Network. Thanks you, Buddy Peace for producing it. Thanks
to iHeartMedia and Wilferre and Big Money Players Network for
hosting it. Thanks to Adam Dgison for the graphics and

(01:04:21):
leads A Laden for the photography. Come and join me
next week for another cracking guest. But in the meantime,
thank you for listening.

Speaker 1 (01:04:28):
That's it for now. I hope you have a lovely
week and please be excellent to each other. Back las

(01:05:01):
bass back, back, back, tollas, body

Speaker 3 (01:05:04):
Back, tack, Calas pass back

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Urzila Carlson (Kinda Pregnant / Just No! / That's Enough Already) • #340

Episode Transcript

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Brett Goldstein

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Urzila Carlson (Kinda Pregnant / Just No! / That's Enough Already) • #340