5 Ways To Rethink Dating

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Once upon a time there was a good old traditional housewife,
and she coodn't She cleaned and cared for her children
and the man of the house, and of course she
didn't talk back.

Speaker 2 (00:09):
She was both obedient and soft by nature.

Speaker 1 (00:12):
She was a good woman who always made good choices.
We're good Mom's bad choices.

Speaker 3 (00:18):
Who's single mom? Who said fuck the patriarchy shared all
their bad choices and.

Speaker 1 (00:22):
Sound out they were so bad.

Speaker 3 (00:23):
After all, we're experts, overshares and your new besties.

Speaker 1 (00:26):
Sit back and enjoy the ride.

Speaker 3 (00:28):
I can.

Speaker 1 (00:32):
Welcome back to good Mom's bad choices.

Speaker 3 (00:34):
I'm Erica and I'm Mila. Happy Wednesday Beaches, Happy mod
the fucking Wednesday Beaches. It's your favorite day of the week,
right today Day. I hope you're humping today. Welcome to February.
It's that short one month the black people get out
of the year. Even though we celebrate Black History Month,

(00:54):
a motherfucking month long, celebrating love, We're celebrating blackness, We're
celebrating black love, celebrating love for ourselves. Is it going
to be the Journey of love February? I love that, Okay.
This month's theme is the Journey of love February. Because
everybody knows love is a journey, Oh God, is it?

Speaker 1 (01:16):
And if anybody knows, always the journey of self love,
the journey of romantic love, the journey of platonic love,
the journey and the expansion of love for your children,
the giving of love to people that irritate the fuck
out of you. It's all a journey.

Speaker 3 (01:32):
Love is a journey. I think people think it's a destination,
like when I fall in love, everything's gonna be perfect. No, bitch,
it's a journey. It's never ending. It's an ongoing process
of always functioning and operating from a place of love.
And I don't think it's necessarily always human nature either.

Speaker 1 (01:49):
No, I mean definitely not now in this world and
day and age where.

Speaker 3 (01:53):
Like hate is cool, trauma is so deeply integrated. Not
hate is cool.

Speaker 1 (01:58):
It is like being a hay. There's low key kind
of cool. And is it, I mean kind of.

Speaker 3 (02:04):
Interesting? Yeah, obtain love, ism more love. It is definitely
it's harder on the weeks I'm pmssing. Loving is harder
when I'm pmssing working on it. But how are you?

Speaker 1 (02:21):
I'm good, I'm trying to work on my love space
today because some little bitches at my daughter's school have
been fucking with her.

Speaker 3 (02:29):
Is this mom shit?

Speaker 1 (02:30):
This might be mom shit, but we can get to
mom shit later because someone else had some mom shit
to share. But maybe we'll just do my mom shit
this week where I'm really trying to move in love
and give nine year olds and ten year olds grace
good luck, because I don't know for any moms that
have encountered bullying at your daughter's or your son's school.
This is a new this is new territory for me,

(02:51):
and so it's really disturbed me for the especially today,
I feel a little bit perturbed and disturbed just because
I feel out of control. There's something what can you do? Yeah,
there's nothing I can do. I mean I also like
before today happened, I felt like, okay, like every child
has a ride of passage where they have to like

(03:12):
encounter these things, right, Like no one kind of gets
to escape feeling called out or bullied or whatever the
case may be. And you don't really know when it's
going to happen. You just hope that like you've armed
your kids well and they can sustain and or they
can stand up for themselves. But then it's like and

(03:33):
then it's also weird when like you're cool with the
mom whose kid is bullying your kid, Like that adds
an extra layer and it's just I'm about to throw
all friendships out the window.

Speaker 3 (03:45):
Yeah, like all you bitches, that's difficult.

Speaker 1 (03:47):
But the mom group, I.

Speaker 3 (03:49):
Yeah, because you're not really friends, you're just the mom
friend from school. I've had very little experience in the
bullying thing. I think like twice. And you know it
was like one time your house, like years ago, and
I think one time on the over the over the
FaceTime and I called that mom and it was the
same mom from your school. I don't even know how

(04:11):
I got into the how did I get into the beef?
And I don't even she don't go to that school.
But yeah, I can only imagine how you're feeling because
even me as the side mom, I want to go
over there. I want to trip the.

Speaker 1 (04:20):
Bit on the side mom, the side.

Speaker 3 (04:22):
On the side Mom, I will, I'll listen. I don't
even go to the school, so I'll go up to
the campers and trip a bitch. I'll don't mind. Nobody
could call me, no, if you can suspend me, I
don't care, I will curse a little bitch out, I
really will. I have no problem if don't let me
get in the corner with her, because I'd be like,
I heard you're a little bitch at school. You think
that's cute.

Speaker 1 (04:41):
I literally told I a reay to call them beach's.
I was like, we need work on your comebacks. Yeah,
and you have my permission to say beach. She was like, mom,
I can't say that.

Speaker 3 (04:49):
I'm like, it's different than bitch.

Speaker 1 (04:53):
It's not a bad word telling your mom told him
to say.

Speaker 3 (04:56):
You know, I realized I'm the mom. I will go
to the school and you have said called a bitch
a bitch, and I will stand on ten toes with you.
Sounds reasonable to me. Oh, are you gonna suspend her? Fine,
we're going shopping. Oh, then we're going to day off.

Speaker 1 (05:13):
Well, you know, I have been and I'm totally trying
to get Irian on board with homeschooling, and so I
was like, maybe this is God like trying to bless us,
because the one time I did, I like, I've slowly
been like mentioning it, just in joking form. But then
the other day she was like, Mommy, I don't want
to go to school, like I wish that we could

(05:33):
just like stay home. And then I was like, well,
you could stay home if we were homeschooling. In fact,
today we could go to the beach. And this was
before the fires, honestly, and then actually, like the next
day the fire started, which is crazy. She's like, look
it happened. I was like I read, No, this is
not that. She's like, is this what manifestation?

Speaker 3 (05:51):
Why? What did you say?

Speaker 1 (05:53):
Well, well no, she was just.

Speaker 3 (05:57):
Oh yeah.

Speaker 1 (05:57):
I was like you said that. Yeah. I was like, no, babe,
But that's why you have to be specific, Like this
is not bad, honey, this is devastation.

Speaker 3 (06:04):
You do have to be a specific God did say
being specific.

Speaker 1 (06:07):
But when I told her we could just do homeschooling,
she literally she started crying. I was like, what the
fuck is going on? She started crying, I.

Speaker 3 (06:14):
Don't want to be homeschooled.

Speaker 1 (06:15):
Why do you keep saying me homeschooled? And I was like,
oh my god, relax, I'm just kidding sort of. But
now with this bullying happening, I'm like, do I just
let it? Do I do? I kind of let her
hate school a little bit so that like the homeschooling
thing sounds like a better option.

Speaker 3 (06:31):
No, I don't think she was bullying she herself.

Speaker 1 (06:34):
And then also school suck a little bit. I mean
those pitches are I don't want new friends, you know.
I just came up with a great idea. Want to
hear my idea?

Speaker 3 (06:42):
What is it? Take your half of your highest tuition
and then just spend it on a homeschool teacher, and
then Luna and I can share that homeschool teacher.

Speaker 1 (06:54):
I mean I.

Speaker 3 (06:55):
Probably less well.

Speaker 1 (06:56):
I was just what I was trying to tell her.
I was like, you're still gonna have friends, and I'm
not gonna.

Speaker 3 (06:59):
Like put you in a home, not me. Reallotting your tuition,
no kids for us. For the team, you take your
half of your tuition money and you.

Speaker 1 (07:06):
Spend on support.

Speaker 3 (07:09):
It's a group. Are you my wife or not? And
then spent at homeschool so we all could live happily
ever after at the.

Speaker 1 (07:15):
Beach doesn't sound like a bad plan. I could be
up in to it.

Speaker 3 (07:20):
I could. I'll do dance. I'm a cheer and dance instructor.
Every Luna. It's just us three on the team. Our
friends are coming over for the competition, so get ready
were having a recital by me. Also, you know what
I just thought of as you were tolding the story,
And I never thought of it this way, just because

(07:42):
I've this month, I had a pretty terrible PMS. I
was just a bitch and I just litterally There's nothing
I could do about it. I knew it was happening,
but I couldn't and I was crying even up to
the point where like I didn't realize there was a
proposal happening, but I was just in the bathtub, like
I'm bad at everything. I am a bad girlfriend. I'm
just bad. And I was crying in Orlando's arms and

(08:04):
He's like, what the fuck are you talking about? Not
knowing I was getting engaged in the weekend. But I
wonder if, like as women, we don't we underestimate how
much hormones even affect us as children. Oh, I mean,
I hear her like crying like that over homeschool, like yes,
a she's nine, But also like as they're coming into puberty,
like the attitudes, the emotions, like I think that we

(08:26):
bypass the fact that they're even being affected in this
stage of their lives and that come it takes until
we're almost fucking forty to be like, what the fuck
is happening, But it actually starts being implemented at puberty
and we're not realizing like that that overt emotionalness and
like not knowing where to put it is probably stems
from hormones too.

Speaker 1 (08:45):
Absolutely, I mean I think that she was actually hurt. Also, yes,
the fucking friends are being bitches. You not her friends,
exactly what I was trying to explain to her lightly,
but I was just like, yeah, like I don't know,
it's just it's all very strange to me, how the
tables are turning. And then I was on the phone
with her teacher today and she was like everything hit

(09:06):
the fan today. I'm actually really happy about it because
I had been like messaging the teacher telling her like,
over the last few days, Iri has been getting bullied
and she doesn't want me to tell you, but I
need you to keep in lookout for her and see
what the fuck is going on. So she calls me
and then she's like, you know, with my daughter, like
you know, I've told her that you know, some girls
are just jealous, they're just jealous of you. And I
was like, yeah, I just like I understand that that

(09:28):
I know that's not your favorite, that's not I'm like,
I'm already triggered by that idea too, just because I mean,
you guys have heard me talk about this on the show,
Like that was like my mom's angle with women, and
it really deteriorated my relationship with women and girls growing up.

Speaker 3 (09:41):
Like do you think it affects you now? Like when
you have beefs with people, do you ever be like
is your first go to be like they're jealous of me?

Speaker 1 (09:47):
No? Not anymore, but it was for a long time,
Like never, I don't ever think that anymore. I always
know there's something else. I actually am like, babe, like
what happened to your childhood? Like that's where my first thing.
Let's go from the bikini, allow you hold I've been
holding your breath all day. No, But I was just like, yeah, no,
I'm not gonna that's not the angle I'm gonna go

(10:09):
with her. That's that's just not gonna happen. But no,
even if it is true, I mean perhaps it is,
and unless I'm really experiencing that and I have facts
behind this, like I'm not going to do start doing that.
But anyway, all that to say is that I'm trying
to I'm trying to access the love within and allow

(10:29):
the mommy bear in me to just be tame and
know that this is just a season and it's just
this week or maybe it will maybe it will, you know,
transpire and continue on. I don't know, but just having
grace also for like I know, in particular, one of
the little girls has had a really hard time with
a parent, and so just like trying to understand and

(10:49):
be loving even when like my child is like I guess,
I don't want to say suffering, but she's in pain
right now, and I'm trying to understand and give give
the school and these little bitches grace.

Speaker 3 (11:05):
No, I think you're doing the right thing. And I
think sometimes because you know, I've had conversations with Luna too,
and I've just had to tell her without telling somebody
else's business so they won't go back and repeat it,
like hey, you know, you have to consider that people
are other people are going through things, and they may
not even realize it. She's probably sad, she's probably hurt
for other reasons unrelated to you, And sometimes you can't

(11:26):
like most of the times you can't take it personally,
And then I realize we have this like this very
important role that we have the ability to plan a
seed right now that in life as she gets older,
when she has problems with bitches, her first reaction like
ours is not like I'm gonna be punch you in
the face, but more like, oh, babe, like what's going
on with you? You know what I mean, especially for

(11:47):
someone who's like previously been as you know, a friend.
But I think that like, yeah, I realize I'm very
filly and my mom is very like I'll punch a
bitch in the face, so so am I. But does
that really help?

Speaker 1 (11:59):
No?

Speaker 3 (11:59):
You know, like you have to be able to have
insight to give your kid compassion as they get older,
so that a they do have the confidence to check
a bit but also to understand that the same I
got nothing to do with me.

Speaker 1 (12:10):
Yeah, I will say that. Throughout this scenario, though, I
had like a very like proud mom, like this feeling
of like Okay, I did the right thing, like you
ever had that happen, where like you handle the situation
and it's like it actually excites you, like, oh my god,
this is what parenting is all about, like finally, like
I get this moment to like re re brand what

(12:32):
perhaps maybe my mom would have done in this situation
or what I experienced in this situation, and like totally
change the narrative around it. And you know, cause at
first I was like, Okay, what am I gonna do?
I'm gonna let the school deal with this. And I
was like, wait, no, no, she doesn't want me to
do that because already my daughter is like kind of
you know, to the keeps in like her emotions and
her feelings. And she really she confided me in this
and asked me not to share, so I'm like trying

(12:53):
to also protect her privacy. But I was.

Speaker 3 (12:57):
Really sure you are talking about on a podcast?

Speaker 1 (13:00):
I mean, but I was. I. I talked to her
mostly just about just standing up for herself and like
that this is an opportunity for you to stand up
for yourself. And you know, ask your friends a question,
ask them like, hey, like that really hurt my feelings?
Are we friends? Like That's as simple as it has

(13:22):
to be, because I can't what the fuck? Would she say?

Speaker 4 (13:25):
No?

Speaker 1 (13:25):
Yes?

Speaker 3 (13:26):
Like oh cool?

Speaker 1 (13:26):
Because I and I was like, then you get your
answer and then one another thing. I said, just take note.
I was like, take note because like after the situation
happened the first time, she's like, oh, we played the
next day, We're fine. I said, interesting, Okay, take note.

Speaker 3 (13:39):
It's so crazy how how forgiving kids are and how
unforgiving adults are because you've had I had other experience.

Speaker 1 (13:46):
She's it's forgiving, it's just trying to get through it.
And also like not wanting to like lose her friend group.
Not like she's there's a rhythm going, she likes it,
it's comfortable, and the idea of it.

Speaker 3 (13:58):
Being changed interrupted.

Speaker 1 (14:00):
Anyway is more important than like her standing up for herself. Yeah.
So I really drilled that into her over the last
over this week, and granted I don't think she took
my advice, but I know that she's listening, and so
that's like the most important thing that like at some
point she'll come back to this. And I was like,
do you think your dad lets people punk him? Hell? No?

(14:22):
And I said do you think I let people punk him? Nah?
And I was like, you ain't no punk and you're
not about to let people punk you, period.

Speaker 5 (14:28):
I know.

Speaker 3 (14:29):
And I also thought about too that too, because I'm like,
the blackway is you better not be letting anybody fucking
punk you because I'll punk you.

Speaker 1 (14:38):
Well, that's kind of like the angle that I took
on in a lighter lef so very.

Speaker 3 (14:42):
Like, actually she needs compassionate with the.

Speaker 1 (14:44):
Diet version of it was compassionate, but also like, yeah, nah,
this is not gonna do You're not you don't come
from a lineage of women that take shit, so you're
not about taking shit. Fuck that you have no problem
telling you what you read, so like, we're not about
to do that.

Speaker 3 (14:59):
Yeah, And you know what, I think we sometimes be
like a lot of times parents rushing under the carpet
because there's other things going on. Kids will be kids,
girls will be girls type shit. But I'm just realizing,
like those things, those little small things like plant seeds
and even I'm thinking in our book, I wrote in
like the first I don't know, like chapter or two chapters,
there was a specific part in my life. I was
like in sixth grade and these girls were like wanting

(15:21):
to fight me. And I don't know why this was
significant when I was writing and reading the book, but
I just remembered having this option like either I'm going
to be scared because I was or I'm going to
go meet the bitch, and I knew I had to
go meet the bitch, you know. I was like, this
is not going to look good permanently if I just
like fear. Like I just remember so vividly clear, and
that was my first time having the understanding and the

(15:41):
memory of choosing to stand up for myself and choosing
to say fuck the fear.

Speaker 1 (15:46):
You don't forget it. You don't forget that moment, because
I think all of us like when whenever that's happened,
you remember that shit. I remember when I did it.
And by the way, y'all, if you haven't read our book,
A Good Mom's Guide to Making Bad Choices do. You
can buy this on Amazon. You can listen on audible.
Listen to our Sexy Voices on audible. And it's an
easy read. It's really heartfelt. It's very informative and very

(16:09):
honest and honest and will help you.

Speaker 5 (16:13):
Anyway.

Speaker 3 (16:14):
Yeah, I'm sorry you're going through that. It's like the
growing pains of the growing pains of the children that
you're raising. You know, you feel what they feel, and
it's this is not gonna be the last time, and
it maybe won't be bullying because I will beat a
bitch's ass, especially as they get older. But but also
like heartbreaks, you know, relationships are gonna be those things.

Speaker 1 (16:33):
Oh my god, if a nigga breaks my baby's heart,
we won't stay out of it. Lord gave me strength.
Imis stay out of it.

Speaker 3 (16:40):
You know, it's you have to, they have to.

Speaker 1 (16:45):
Oh my god.

Speaker 3 (16:46):
I remember one time somebody was bullying. Did you see that?

Speaker 1 (16:48):
Did you see the news that red men apparently punched
huh oh method man. I supposedly punched his daughter's boyfriend
in the face six times at the gym.

Speaker 3 (16:59):
Yeah, And I said my past and said, sounds justified
to me. I was like yeah, And then also there
was yeah, there's supposedly it.

Speaker 1 (17:07):
Didn't happen, and supposedly the either side it didn't happen.
But if it did, I mean shit, you.

Speaker 3 (17:11):
Know, I wish my dad would have punched more people.

Speaker 1 (17:15):
So I mean, so do I I wish sometimes my
dad would have protected me more because a lot of times,
whenever I came to him with heartbreak, he didn't have
a lot.

Speaker 3 (17:22):
Of remorse for me because he's a man, and he
figured that's not gonna be He wasn't wrong, It was
not gonna be the first or last time it happened.

Speaker 1 (17:27):
Ye, but a girl needs protection from her father. And
like I just I think that that also sent me
down a path of like just accepting a lot of
things for men. And like you know, obviously this month
we're talking about love and like honestly the origins of
our love space, and like when I think about that,
like that really hat does and has impacted me as

(17:47):
an adult on like how I view Like I don't
want to say my worthiness because it's but it's more
so like that I'm normalized?

Speaker 3 (17:55):
Am I being protected?

Speaker 1 (17:56):
Normalizing certain things that are not that shouldn't be normal?
Just be because my dad said, this is what niggas
do you know? And and till this day he'll stand,
he'll still he'll still stand ten toes down on that.
I can't wait to have him back on the show.
If you guys haven't listened to our episode we did
a few years ago with my dad. I think it's
called like groupies football and I don't know, like regret

(18:18):
or something with my dad on it where he talks
just about his views. Even I think I think he
might have even mentioned that, and if not, we need
to dive into that when he comes back on. No,
we did mention that, but yeah, he's he's very much
like a very strong voice in all men sheet and.

Speaker 3 (18:39):
He's an advocate.

Speaker 1 (18:42):
Even the bus driver. It doesn't matter, Yeah, it doesn't matter,
Like it doesn't matter if you're rich poor in between,
and like that conversation happened when I was in high school.
I was like, my yeah, it was like a really
horrible breakup that I was going through, and I remember
he's telling telling me that, and it's stuck and he's
and he continued to tell me that even even when

(19:04):
my baby daddy like had a baby on me, although
he did have a little bit. He was like, well,
that's kind of crazy. We don't bring babies home, like
we just we cheat in secrecy and we might get caught,
but we don't. We don't co create, we don't.

Speaker 3 (19:17):
Bring receipts, lifelong receipts to the cheating.

Speaker 1 (19:19):
What the fuck? But yeah, I think that's that's definitely
something that is a real, a real thing.

Speaker 3 (19:27):
So I don't know, Yeah, I mean then and then
to think about it from the parents point of view,
like just like method Man has been on the news
for punching the guy six times. Like if your dad
would have taken action, he would have been on the
shade room if there was a shade room there. Like you,
as a parent, you literally can't go fuck up a kid,
you know. But I have seen in my childhood, like

(19:49):
one of my best friend's moms pulled a little nakedbie
his sweatshirt string and got in his face and was like,
I'll fuck you up, And I was like, that seems fair.
So I feel like I don't know if that should
have never been an example in my head because if
somebody fucks with Luna, I'll pull your fucking sweatshirt string
and get in that motherfucking face because I didn't hit you, true,

(20:10):
but you know it's sticky, it's sticky area. Just so
you guys know, we are not advising that you beat
up any kids. Oh, these are very bad choices. Don't
trip or beat up any kids. Maybe get this close
to their face though.

Speaker 1 (20:24):
Speaking of bad choices, I think we have doing a
bad choice of the week.

Speaker 4 (20:28):
Day mom not a bad mom, but a bad mom,
so good how.

Speaker 3 (20:40):
Put my girls to bed earlier this week? Then change
into my lingerie, so be, so me and my hesbie
could have nasty time. Hesbie, it's a hesbe? Is that
a husband?

Speaker 1 (20:50):
A husband? Bae?

Speaker 3 (20:51):
Oh okay, my oldest woke up before we got started,
so then I had to tuck her back in bed,
but forgot to put on my robe before and she
saw me half naked and lingerie. Now she's been pissed
off at me ever since we're baby.

Speaker 1 (21:04):
At least that's all she saw.

Speaker 3 (21:05):
Shit, I mean, how old is she? And second, you
know what, I think this is notoriously the problem. Moms
are always trying to hide that were sexual beings and
you're married and she's the product of this love. And
not to say you got to walk away walk around
the house in your lingerie, but like you're a wife

(21:28):
and you're a woman, and you were sexy shit at night,
and you know what, And I just feel like, yeah,
I think we get so weird around it instead of
just being like this is yeah, I got dressed up
for daddy one time we were driving by a lingerie store.

Speaker 1 (21:40):
I think that would take a lot for most women
to say, an everyday woman who whose daughter probably never
even seen her ass naked.

Speaker 3 (21:48):
I'm just I'm just lightly suggesting me.

Speaker 1 (21:50):
I don't. I'm not disagreeing with you. I think that
there's I think there's a lot of I think there's
a lot of future healing in that that kids don't
even realize they're getting. Like they might not understand in
the moment, but later on when they were adults and
they say, oh, my god, like, yeah, I grew up
in a house where like my parents made out. I
grew up in a house where like I saw the love.
I saw the love. And then in the in the moment,
it's like, ill, gross, But in the future, when your

(22:11):
parents are still happily married, you're like, and then why
you have a happy perception around what healthy love looks
like because you experienced it in your household.

Speaker 3 (22:21):
It's different and it requires that you like you're like
you you have the conversation and you'd be like, oh, like,
are you feeling weird because I'm you know, whatever it
is about my outfit. It's like, yeah, I got dressed
up for Daddy last night because we were, you know,
having some alone time. And I noticed one time we
were driving by a lingerie store on like Ventura and
Van Eys and Linda was like out the window, like
you should get something for there for there for a

(22:43):
landout to wear for a Lando And I was like,
oh wait, you.

Speaker 1 (22:47):
Know what's so funny?

Speaker 3 (22:48):
And I was like, why is she saying this to me?
And I guess I should be proud because she because
she knows that that's like a part of it. But
I was just like, I literally was.

Speaker 5 (22:59):
Okay, okay, okay.

Speaker 1 (23:13):
Wait, So when after your engagement, when they came back
to my house, Luna was like, Erica, why did I
I thought I was gonna spend the night at my house,
Like why am I going to your house? We're in
the car, and I was like, because we just decided
to come to my house. And she was like, but
like I like your house and everything, Like she literally
said this, I like your house and everything, but like

(23:35):
I don't get it, Like why do I need to
come to your house? Like we were getting ready for bed,
and I said, well, because your mom and Orlandos got
engaged and they probably want to be alone and have
spent this moment together. And then Iri goes, yeah, like
a honeymoon sort of. And I was like, what the
fuck does First of all, what does she think that means,
And then like I know Luna knows better than like

(23:57):
I know she knows or maybe not, maybe.

Speaker 3 (23:58):
She didn't know. Do you think I she's traumatized? Do
you think I like traumatized her by like making her leave?
And like does she think that now we're engaged, so
we're gonna almost have to be alone or something?

Speaker 1 (24:08):
Oh no, that's not that's not what I took. No,
I know, I know you didn't that, but my mind
is overthinking, like what does she think this means?

Speaker 3 (24:14):
And like is she's like is she scared? Like you
know what I mean? Like sometimes there's things that happen
in adulthood and you understand, but you don't understand.

Speaker 1 (24:21):
Well, have you had a conversation with her?

Speaker 3 (24:23):
But what this means a little bit? But I didn't
want to plant my own fears in seeds and like
maybe she's not thinking about it at all, So I
was just like, let me shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 (24:31):
You know, well, I think that's not it's not necessarily
about planting seeds, but like reassurance, it's more about reassurances,
Like I'm so excited in this new chapter of our life.
I want you to know, like every nothing changes, like
it's just that we are, like, you know, furthering our
our family life, like you know, we're solidified as like
a real family unit, and not that we weren't already,
but like we're going to celebrate our love and like

(24:53):
you're part of that. I know, because instead I'm like,
not like, are you okay? Do you think that Mommy's
going to be away now?

Speaker 3 (24:59):
Because I was just.

Speaker 1 (25:00):
Like that would be planting seed.

Speaker 3 (25:01):
I was like, are you okay? Is everything okay? Because
she was mad at me the other night, I like,
what if it's that? And I was like I wanted
to ask her, but I was like no, and I
was like, are you feeling weird about anything?

Speaker 1 (25:10):
Why did you ask her?

Speaker 3 (25:12):
I don't know because I didn't want to plant any
seed and I don't know how to say it, so
I was just like, are you feeling weird about anything?
She was mad at me about being on my phone
too much, but I just was like like a little
bit panicking, But yeah, I just it is interesting, you
know how we perceive things, the conversations we don't have,
and like, yeah, the lingerie thing, it's hilarious. And also

(25:32):
I was asking Erica this before we started the episode,
because you know, we're talking about love this month and
about our personal journey and love. And I was just
like asking her, Dan, what did I ask you? Not
even high fuck.

Speaker 1 (25:48):
You asked me something.

Speaker 3 (25:49):
I asked you something about Oh, I asked you, do
you think that your mom taught you how to be
a wife or a girlfriend? Like did you see your
mom show up in a way that you took like
you had an example and so in like those are
things that you understood as you got older. And she
was like, no, you know, And I was just like
with some of my friends, I know that their moms

(26:10):
specifically taught them how to be wives and like caretakers,
and I don't know if I didn't really get that.
So I was wondering if you got that from your mom,
like especially coming from like Latina, like you know, heritage
that's very like like cultural. And even my other friend
her mom's Asian and her her mom was Asian, and
so I see that like that.

Speaker 1 (26:34):
That like.

Speaker 3 (26:36):
You know that that traditional wife role where you take
care of the husband in a specific way.

Speaker 1 (26:41):
I think that the women in my family, specifically on
the Mexican side of my family, they didn't get that
bug I even think about my grandmother, like she had
two husbands left either one of them not evenly giving
a fuck her her mom, same kind of same thing,
like they were never the family husband dynamic wasn't really

(27:06):
the priority. And now even thinking more about my mom
and her journey, because she's been with my stepdad for
twenty eight years or something like that. They're not married,
they're not technically married. They are married, but there's been
no married. There's been no wedding, there's been no celebration,
there's been no sacred union, no nothing. It's just a

(27:27):
ring that she doesn't even wear. And I think about
when I was a child, she always told me she
didn't want to be married. She told me she didn't
believe in marriage. And then later on a few years ago,
this is not a few years ago, this is a
while ago, she told me that she did want to
get married. He just never asked again again, Yeah, And

(27:50):
I was like what, like he proposed and then they
never talked about it again, and like like she I
think she was waiting for him. I think because she
has fear around marriage, she was wanting him to like
really ten Shale, even though he did fucking initiate. He
got on one kneed and fucking bought a ring and
did it. Were you there? Yeah, he asked for my
you know, he asked for my blessing or whatever. But

(28:13):
I think because of that, I carry that with me.
I was very much like, I don't ever want to
have kids, I don't ever want to get married very much.
Never was like I want to be a wife. No,
I don't want to be a girlfriend. Yeah, I love
love love, I want to be a girlfriend. I literally
never thought anything past the girlfriend phase, Like I don't
know why, like it, did I want forever, yes, but
I didn't associate marriage with forever forever. And you know,

(28:37):
even now looking at my mom and her relationship, like
they have a really great friendship. They've been together for
a really long time, They've shown up for each other
in different ways. So there is I have, I guess,
had the the I have had the example of what
partnership looks like in my house, but it wasn't necessarily
under the guise of marriage, and like this like this

(28:58):
like deep understanding of what that actually means, I guess
in society.

Speaker 3 (29:03):
Yeah, it's so interesting, like you don't even recognize you
haven't been taught something until you're in the position and
you're like, do I know what the fuck I'm doing,
you know, and like it's just some woman, you know,
Like and I just wonder our perceptions of what like
marriage and love is and like how to be a wife,
and is that something like we're supposed to teach our girls,
you know? And I was just like so interesting. My

(29:24):
dad made a comment to me a few years ago,
and it stuck with me because I'd never heard him
say anything like that, and like, I think he was
like seeing, first of all, my parents are still married. Okay,
they've been together for four hundred years. All they do
is fight, and they still fuck around and they still
live together sometimes it's really weird. But he was seeing
someone at the time, and I think me and my
mom are from Philly, so she's about that life. And

(29:47):
I think she had told me something the lady said.
This is years ago. I can't even remember. I remember this.
I called the lady and I cursed her out, and yeah, okay,
this is like very much into adulthood. Like I don't
know why in my parents' business to this degree as
a fucking in my late twenties, but my dad was like,
you know, your mom never was affectionate towards me. Your

(30:09):
mom never showed me affection. She's never been like soft
with me. And I was just like looking at him,
like what the fuck are you talking about? Weak ass niggid?
But then I later realized like, oh wow, like is
that something I've never seen? And like sometimes but not really,
and then like how does that affect me? And who

(30:30):
I show up as and how I am in a
relationship and like my go to I and like even
in him saying it, like my dad's very manipulative, but
he's also very charming, and I knew he wasn't lying.
And then for the first time, like after it settled in,
like I had some compassion for him a little bit,
you know in that, But it was just interesting to

(30:51):
me that I had never noticed it before until he
mentioned it. So it's just like, yeah, as we talk
about our journey of love and as I, you know,
embark on this journey of marriage and can we wait
because last episode La didn't have her ring on, which
is crazy she had to go get her resize.

Speaker 1 (31:09):
Can we please get a ring cam. We need a
ring cam, We need the ring cam.

Speaker 3 (31:15):
I'm going to be a whizz off whizz off. So yeah,
I just even that night and even the next morning,
as I'm like processing that all this has happened, you know,
because it did. It happen so fast, I'm like, my
friends are here, I'm getting hugs. Oh shit, Oh my god,
there's a ring. Look at it. And I was just like,

(31:35):
oh my god, Like what does this mean now? You know,
like officially, I think this is actually the physical representation
that I needed. That bitch, you are getting older. I
have been fighting it, you know, like I am clinging
to youth, like I'm the fucking fountain of youth. And
I'm like, oh, like there are plans that need to

(31:55):
be in action because you're getting older and life is
evolving and things are changing.

Speaker 1 (32:00):
You've mentioned before how in your history of love and relationships,
even though I know that you maybe didn't see like
a softness or whatever in your household, you still had
your parents lived together and there was obviously they were
married that growing up you wanted to be a housewife
and you wanted like that's what you wanted, Like does this, yeah,

(32:24):
does this somehow like feed you in a way, like
feed that version of yourself in some way, Like does
it feel like validating to you in that way? Because
maybe I don't know if at some point you kind
of wrote that off and decided like that wasn't going
to be necessarily like your story or maybe not. I
don't know, Like how does it feel.

Speaker 3 (32:44):
It feels like a little bit surreal, like I'm having
an out of body experience, like I'm experiencing and I
know it's happening, and I know I'm in love, and
then I'm like, but I feel like, oh shit, it
is me. It is happening to me, and like I
think I'm still integrating like the pro like that it's happening,
and like even to the point where even in the
moment when I saw the ring, I was like, oh god,

(33:06):
it's huge, Like it's so big, not like it's mine
and I'm gonna I'm like maybe I didn't. Maybe it's
somewhere subconsciously like I didn't. I don't believe that I
deserve that, you know, like like oh wow, that's large,
you know, And I don't know. Yeah, I've had to
like kind of like dig into that, like peel the
layers back a little bit. But no, I'm excited and

(33:28):
I think it's settling in and I knew it was happening,
and it still feels different than it actually being in
the happening. But I did want to be a housewife,
and I'm really excited to be a wife, and I
just think I had a picture perfect idea of how
my life was going to go, and I didn't necessarily

(33:48):
as I was saying, I just wanted to be taken
care of and like be pretty and have a big
house and be taken care of, but not like all
the things that were going to go into that. And
I realized I probably wanted those things because of my
trauma of my parents fighting all the time growing up.
So yeah, I guess I am actively healing the things
that I thought that were broken in me or the

(34:10):
things that I didn't think that I could manifest or
have for myself. Kind of like when Zosia was on
that one episode and we asked her marriage and she said,
white women, you know, like that for us. I think
a lot of times you see like Happily Ever afters,
and you do you associate them with white women or

(34:30):
like you know what you see on TV, which is
generally white women, and so yeah, having to place myself,
there has been a little bit like oh, it's my
turn now, and I deserve this and I'm worthy of it,
which I realize is just like another part of love
that we don't recognize is also so deeply ingrained in us.
It's like, do you feel like you deserve true, healthy love?
And if you don't truly believe it, even if you

(34:51):
say it, how does that manifest in the partners that
you attract?

Speaker 1 (34:57):
Yeah, I mean there's I think there's a lot of
fear around especially if you've had you know, bad luck
and love. And I don't even want to say bad
luck because I think it's a series of choices that
you make. I don't I don't test it to luck,
but you don't trust your choices, you know, in love.
And so then you're like, Okay, I think I'm ready,
Like what are the things that I need to look

(35:17):
out for, Like what is what are the steps? And
in knowing that, like I'm ready for this love, and
I'm I'm equipped, and so me and me laugh can
concocted a list of these things through our own personal research,
through UH observing experience, experience, observing, speaking with honestly thousands

(35:41):
of women at this point, through the podcast or the
work we do with the Good vib Retreat, we've I
feel like we we have some good, good quality perspectives
and answers here. But before we get into that, I'm
rolling this joint I love for us.

Speaker 3 (35:56):
You're rolling a backwood.

Speaker 1 (35:57):
I'm rolling a backward, true true, and I just want
to I want to show y'all like I know y'all
see us smoke backwards all the time, and honestly, like
I love backwards. But I love the true raps the most.
And I'm gonna tell you why I do too, because
they come like this.

Speaker 3 (36:14):
You don't have that shit all over your house.

Speaker 1 (36:15):
They come already done. Because I don't like this stuff,
Like this stuff on the inside. Is this stuff on
the inside of anything. I don't want anything on the
inside except love and juices. And so that this has
made my life a lot easier. And I'm actually I
picked up this cannabis.

Speaker 3 (36:36):
Let me just show you the in case you're at
the store and you need to pick one up. This
is the true wraps packaging. And you know, I don't
see them in la as often, but if you look
for them, you can probably order them A line it
really does help, and it gives me New York feels.
It gives me like grapa feels, which I like because
we're obviously not in New York. But let me get
my New York on.

Speaker 1 (36:56):
And tonight, tonight today we are are smoking Blue Dream.

Speaker 3 (37:01):
That's my favorite train.

Speaker 1 (37:04):
I didn't know that. Well, I think it's a lot
of people o G smoker's favorite strands.

Speaker 3 (37:08):
You know, I just realized that we didn't do that.
We should. We need to do maybe next week trigger
each other. Mmm, but yeah, you want to trigger me?

Speaker 1 (37:18):
Where's this coming from?

Speaker 3 (37:19):
Because you said, I said, did you know my favorite
strain is Blue Dream?

Speaker 1 (37:22):
Like?

Speaker 3 (37:23):
Did you really know that? You're just saying that? No,
I did know that.

Speaker 1 (37:27):
Actually I didn't know that.

Speaker 3 (37:29):
Oh yeah, And.

Speaker 1 (37:31):
I'm just gonna put a little bit of a little
bit of honey, A little bit of honey on my backwood.
This just helps sweeten the wood, also helps it. It's fine.
I got it.

Speaker 3 (37:45):
I've got it. See this little sea on your nail.

Speaker 1 (37:48):
It's not this right here, I see it. Okay, see look,
it's gonna make that lay down, and it's also gonna
help it burn a little slower. And it's going to
taste a little sweeter.

Speaker 3 (38:00):
The honey is like the egge control. It is the edge.
Oh my god, the honey is the edge control for backwood. WHOA,
don't take my idea. I'm about to make it blood edge,
my good moms, oh my god, edge control. M hm.

(38:21):
If I see what you, if I see you, don't
put too much.

Speaker 1 (38:23):
Because some of you bitches have been sending me pictures
of like your backwoods like they're dipped in the honey.
I'm like, bitch, no one told you to dip the
whole goddamn thing in there like a hot dog on
a stick, Like.

Speaker 3 (38:33):
What are you doing? Sometimes people take it real so literally.
I know, we have one where I'm like, wet it first,
and like it's wet, now, how I'm gonna roll it?
I'm like, bitch, right, you gotta give you gotta give
specific instructions or just don't do it because people are
not going to use the common sense clues. It looks beautiful. Wow,
that's about to get us.

Speaker 1 (38:53):
Also, you know what, it has such a specific taste.
I mean, I mean sorry smell antaste. When I when
I got to the dispensary and I opened it, I
was like it makes you happ It was like nostalgia.

Speaker 3 (39:03):
I was like, Huhaul, like reminds you of like freshman
year of college.

Speaker 1 (39:09):
Mm hmm.

Speaker 3 (39:10):
You know, I didn't really smart start smoking weed really
until the freshman year of college and I was in
Atlanta smoking reggie, which is very embarrassing.

Speaker 1 (39:17):
I started smoking freshman year of high school. And I'm
going to use our little candle here. This is cute.

Speaker 3 (39:23):
Oh shit, can you smell the weed? That's cute. Like
they copied our other candle or whatever they did. I
don't know who that is what they did.

Speaker 1 (39:30):
This is an Etsy purchase. No, we do not sell
this on our website.

Speaker 3 (39:33):
But we will because they stole it. Anyway, those candles
were cute.

Speaker 1 (39:36):
Actually, anyway, do you want to get into our our
list of I do? You know?

Speaker 3 (39:46):
I just want to say, as you know, as we
were compiling this list and having this conversation just about
the journey of love, me and Erica had the opportunity
to sit back and you know, even while we've been
off season and we've listened to some previous episodes and
it's kind of laughworthy because we have come a long
way since episode one twenty eighteen, where I was twenty

(40:09):
nine and Erica was thirty. And you know, now we're
slightly older and the more wise, and I've had a
shit ton of more experiences. But like the relationship you
want is such as it changes, it shifts, like the
things that you think you want. So I just I'm

(40:31):
happy that we've given ourselves the freedom and the flexibility
to adjust and to change the things that we said
that we wanted because they have changed. And so we're
going down the list of ways to trust yourself and
love and to prepare yourself from going from a single
hoe to a married hoe like myself. I told you

(40:55):
I'll be giving y'all fiance advice, and it's happening because
guess what Beachi is lon I got this ring. I'm
gonna be talking like I'm an expert.

Speaker 1 (41:03):
All I got is girlfriend advice.

Speaker 3 (41:04):
That's plenty. You're married to me. You're word in a trouble,
remember I told you. Remember Jesse kept saying you are
in a poly relationship though, And I was like, Jesse,
with who She's like, Eric is your wife, Orlando's your husband.
I was like, I know, but we're not Pollie together.
She's like it's Pollie, she kept saying. I was like, no,
it's like Polly, it is, it's Pollie. Guys all are
very deeply covenant. And then I came back from Houston

(41:26):
and I'm like, we're in a Poli relationship and they're like,
can you shut the fuck up. I'm like, she's right,
we basically are. We're together all the time, all three
of us.

Speaker 1 (41:34):
Polly send me platonic.

Speaker 3 (41:36):
Poly platonic, platonic, Polly. True. The amount of hotel rooms
travels fucking issue, Like there's there. You know, it requires
requires a lot of personality management. I'm so popular, I
have to manage all my husbands and my wives.

Speaker 1 (41:56):
Personality management is something I have been literally co templating on.
Not to get off topic, but just like how much
as women we have to manage personalities, I mean humans too. Yes,
I'm not trying to take away this this thing from men,
but I think because women were such were such feelers
and nurturers, we want to fix and we want to

(42:17):
make sure everything's okay. And like, the amount of fucking
personality management I'm doing daily is out of control.

Speaker 3 (42:25):
And you know what I think too, as we talk
about love and for those of you who isolate and
think you're healing, you're fucking you're shit out of luck,
because as soon as you make one friend like me
and Erica, our dynamic has We've been so close sister wives, wives, sisters,
best friends, business partners for so long. Our lives are
so deeply integrated. So we were thinking about each other.

(42:46):
But then we have kids. They have totally different personalities.
Then we got niggas, they got different personalities and different traumas,
and then to integrate that, and then we have a team, yeah,
a work relationships that we also have to manage. And
now me and Erica are fucking thinking we're semi therapist
diagnosing everybody in their childhood. Even like, remember last time

(43:07):
we had a videographer who's a shout out to David,
been our videographer for so long, and we had to
have like a deep conversation like where do you think
your avoidance comes from? He's like, well, my dad, And
I'm like I knew it, you know what I mean?
Like there are real times where I'm like, this is
deeper than good moms. This is not about your role
as executive assistant. This is about something else, you know,

(43:27):
And so I think we underestimate the amount of personality
management requires to live like just easeful lives with people
within a community. But historically people have been in community,
and to isolate yourself is to remove a lot of
the humanness and the like the divine way we're supposed
to live. And so the personality management is a real one,

(43:48):
and it's a real it could be a real obstacle
if you don't have the perspective or the tools. And
most of us don't have the tools because no one
gave us a boss fucking handbook when we started the
shit six years ago, or like a month their hood
handbook or a wife handbook. And you know, now you're
just like in the middle of it as the and
I'll say, moms, we are the glue. We have to

(44:08):
nurture everyone, including ourselves. And it is like and sometimes
you get to your friendship or you get to your
girls and you're tapped the fucking out of neocity.

Speaker 1 (44:16):
So now it's like, fuck, car, we're done.

Speaker 3 (44:18):
We're done.

Speaker 1 (44:18):
We're we're not, but we have an argument. We're done
for life.

Speaker 3 (44:32):
It's true.

Speaker 1 (44:34):
So anyway, side note, just women, I feel you, I know,
like we are managing so many personalities on a daily basis.
Shout out to you because it's not easy. It's not
an easy task, and it does require boundaries, not getting
invested in everyone's fucking dysfunction and all their fucking shit
because they want to have attitude today and then be
nice the next day. You know, me, Hello, Hi. So

(44:56):
it's just it's a lot.

Speaker 3 (45:01):
Yeah, And you know, I kind of feel like right now,
but not gonna lie. I kind of feel like this
is our fucking mathe episode mentioning Sierra. She's our best
friend in her head obviously if she had knew Eric
Abadu Cif you don't get these messages, I don't know
what's going on with the Internet. I feel like I'm
the Sierra of the host. My prayer worked. You know

(45:23):
a lot of people are like Hose, especially the men
on the internet, like Hose net are gonna always be Hose,
never gonna get married. All the comments I've ever had
and good moms is that's why you're not married, that's
why you're single. Well how about this, bitches. I was like,
I can't wait for this ring because when I go
off and these comments is gonna really hit.

Speaker 1 (45:41):
Now, wait and then today in our Facebook on our
Facebook group shout out to our Facebook group, make sure
you go and be part of our Facebook group, we
were talking about Sierra's prayer, because of course we do
nothing but talk about Sierra. Apparently. Also, by the way,
she has my birthday just so you know, the same
birthday as you.

Speaker 3 (45:59):
October.

Speaker 2 (46:00):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (46:00):
Wow, I'm basically best start at the Sierra.

Speaker 1 (46:04):
I was like, because someone was like, we were talking
about baby daddies and how they're disappointing, and then someone
said like, oh, you know, they become less disappointing when
they find a good partner.

Speaker 3 (46:15):
Oh.

Speaker 1 (46:15):
And then I was like, can we do like Sierra's
prayer for our baby daddy's, Like, can we write a prayer?

Speaker 3 (46:20):
We're about to do a Good Mom's Book of Prayers.

Speaker 1 (46:22):
Pray that our baby daddies find a very top notch
partner that is going to make them show up and
be responsible fathers.

Speaker 3 (46:29):
This is gonna be our next book because it seems
like short paragraphs, not a whole two hundred pages. I
like that short book. The Book of Prayer, the Good Mom's.

Speaker 1 (46:38):
Book of Prayers, the Little Book of Prayers, a Little
Book of Prayers. Oh, my God, look out for us.
HarperCollins is coming with a new concept in twenty twenty six.

Speaker 3 (46:47):
Starting with my prayer, Melis Prayer. Once I was a
hoe and now I'm a wife. Oh okay, so this
is one I really the first one on our list,
and this is the side note this backwood you've noticed,
I haven't passed it.

Speaker 1 (47:01):
I'm like, when are you.

Speaker 3 (47:02):
Getting at lightheaded?

Speaker 1 (47:03):
And I see your eyes getting smaller? Bitch, they opened them,
open them, open them.

Speaker 3 (47:07):
Come on, there you go, my eyes get or if
our homegirl hit us shout out to Aaron of Lilac
and Flint Skincare. She hit us and said, I'm listening
to your episode and I'm cracking the fuck up because,
uh cause you guys get high and then you guys
start all talking like this, and yeah, She's like, that's
my favorite part.

Speaker 1 (47:26):
I'm like, when you get high and just fucking can't
remember what you're talking about, it.

Speaker 3 (47:29):
With it and your voice has changed. Only a long
time listener could peep some shit like that. Yeah, anyway.
Number one on the list trusting, Oh wait, Number one
on the list. Establishing friendship first. Some of the best
relationships are born from friendships. And I can genuinely testify

(47:52):
to that because me and Orlando, even though as soon
as we met, we got it pop in within like
the first five days, and it was actually very meaningful
and we had sex and we're nuts, so we told
each other we loved each other, which is I wouldn't
highly recommend unless you were both highly insane like us.
But for a year, Orlando was my friend, and I

(48:12):
think one of the first like conversations we had was like,
no matter what, you're gonna be at my wedding. And
I was like, I know, I'm gonnavite you to my
wedding because we're best friends now. And I told him everything,
like things I would I would tell Erica, like the threesomes,
the hoe shit when niggas didn't call me back after
they slept with me, and I'm like, I feel a way,
and not that I like this person at all, but

(48:32):
it was that it was that in depth to tell him,
like every single detail. And you know, I think sometimes
people put on this front and it just doesn't work.
And I think the friendship is really where you like
gain the the the like the realness of the relationship.

Speaker 1 (48:54):
You can't bypass it. It's like really a recipe for disaster.
It's okay if you guys know that you are roman
antically compatible and even are even dating, but there does
require you, which is really hard when you get into
that space. Though if you've already in agreement that hey,
we're going to like let's do this, it does for
some reason, and women create this this like flag in

(49:16):
their mind where they like start compartmentalizing what they feel
like they can share, like, oh, he doesn't want to
know about that, he doesn't want to hear about that,
And it's like, I highly implore you to just not
do it and say the thing, because eventually some shit's
going to come up, whether it's whether it's about previous lovers,
whether it's about shit that happened in your childhood that
you haven't shared with anyone.

Speaker 3 (49:36):
Fantasies like if you want to have an MMF, something
I remember importantly.

Speaker 1 (49:43):
More importantly, the MMF you want to have is actually
the reason why you need to start as friends. To
make sure that Nigga is okay with it, that.

Speaker 3 (49:48):
Your fantasies will at some point come to fruition.

Speaker 1 (49:51):
It's important not the childhood dramas.

Speaker 3 (49:56):
Tell him your porn category even the really nasty one
and see what face he makes. True, It's so true
because I think there's a level of for women specifically,
there's a level of safety that we rarely feel. There's
a level of safety can we have with our friends
because they're not gonna leave us because we dreamed of
having an MMF and it was great.

Speaker 1 (50:14):
You know.

Speaker 3 (50:14):
I remember telling a young bay this, this is like
year one. I literally remember him telling me he was
dating a girl who told him that she wanted to
have an experience with two men. And he was like,
you will never be my wife. That was his exact line.

Speaker 1 (50:27):
And I was like, whoa, You're like, note to self,
I'm not going to tell you that this is my fantasy.

Speaker 3 (50:31):
Right. Meanwhile, when Orlando came, I was like, hey, I
had this great idea. What do you think you know?
And because he was very open with me about how
he was exploring what his fantasies were, you know, and
like it does help that he's a podcaster and at
the time he was, you know, talking about sex on
his podcast, so I knew it was like a safe place.
And I also really really really longed for a place

(50:52):
where I could where I felt like it was equal,
Like I could tell you things as a human being
and you're gonna still love me and accept me just
despite me telling you these things. Like for me as
a woman, as a feminist, it's so important for me
to have a man that feels like I'm genuinely his
equal and not tries to fucking blind me and put

(51:13):
the coat over my eyes with this social like this
fucking societal bullshit, and like I even when we were
I went on a trip and there was this guy
talking about he wanted to be Polly, but he wanted
this woman to only sleep with him. And he at first,
I was like, he's so cool. He did these yoga events,
Like I was like really vibing with him. I thought, WHOA,
what a cool guy. And he said this shit and

(51:34):
I literally was like a screeching break and I was like, immediately,
I was like, he's done. Immediately I tapped out. I
was like, oh, he's not as smart as I thought.
I've had a lot of relationships with that with like
with men who said big words and were highly sexual
and we had conversations and we were talking about sexual
things between us. It was fine. But the second that
I mentioned my fantasies are things that I had done previously.

(51:55):
All that went out the window, and I just can't
respect that. And I never felt safe there. So I
think a part of me blabbering to Orlando it was
like testing and a lot of times I've done that relationships,
and a lot of times men have failed most of
the time. Yeah, And so it's like for the men listening,
like that safety factor is just understanding that your woman
is a human and has human needs and also likes

(52:17):
to fuck and also.

Speaker 1 (52:19):
You know, and has fucked before you, has fucked before you,
and the reason she fucks so good it's compete because.

Speaker 3 (52:24):
She fucked before you a lot.

Speaker 1 (52:27):
You know. Uh, I agree. I think that I've definitely
been victim to you know, when I first started my
relationship with my child's father, we had a friendship, and
I think that's why our relationship lasted for so long,
and it was beautiful for many years. Actually, I know,
like I don't really share so many stories about how
great it was, but it was the first three years

(52:48):
it was fucking lit. And I really attested that to
our friendship and I always was like a proponent for
that for my friends, like you have to be friends
for us, like this is why this relationship is different.
And then you know, after we broke up and then
exploring dating and computing myself out there, like I think
I've like I've done both. I've like jumped into relationships

(53:08):
that were like highly sexually charged that kind of interfered
with how honest I could be with my friend versus not.
And even in this particular relationship that I'm in now,
I think for me, the friendship was really and I've
talked about it, I guess on Patreon not really so
much here about just my journey and celibacy in my
relationship and how I think that that was a really

(53:30):
really powerful tool in really cultivating the friendship because we
weren't fucking and so there was no I felt like
he couldn't judge. There was no I mean, I didn't
feel like he's not a guy that would judge anyway,
And at that point I really didn't give a fuck.
But I think I think that you have to be
willing to do something different in your relationship, whether that

(53:51):
is not having sex when you first meet someone, whether
that is being in agreement that you're going to be
brutally honest, like that piece has to be different, Like
if you're going, if you're someone that's coming out of
really toxic relationships, you've done your healing and now you're
listening to this episode because you're ready to come back
into the love space, Like you have to know that
there does you can't follow the same steps, like you

(54:14):
just can't. And the friendship piece is like, literally, I
don't think you can get around it. And that's why
it's number one.

Speaker 3 (54:20):
Honestly. I remember my other best friends telling me, like, Mela,
you got to not be so honest in the beginning,
like basically, bitch, chill a little bit in the beginning
so you could like someone can like you first. And
I was just like, that doesn't sound smart. That sounds
like a trick because I'm a specific taste, you know,
and I and I always just felt very confident in that,

(54:41):
like and I think it probably has the like my
parents have been together for a long time since my
mom was fourteen my dad was seventeen. And I've seen
my mom like not know who she is. I've seen
my mom make her identity my dad. I've seen her chase,
I've seen her like forced, you know, I've seen her
just like claws out, fangs out, and it just seemed
like such a battle that I did not And it

(55:03):
wasn't like she needed to be herself or any of
those things, but I just saw what it looked like
to convince someone that they should treat you a certain way,
you know. And not that my dad was a horrible
guy to her or anything like that, but like he
was doing him and it tormented her, but like spiritually mentally,
and I was just like, I'm not doing that, you know.
And I know for most women, some women are listening

(55:24):
to this and like, bitch, I listen to you, tell
my nigga what I want an MMF, turn a shit off,
turn a shit off. This is ridiculous, you know. And
it's true, like the majority of the men are going
to shut you, to shut it down, but that's how
you weed niggas out. If you're not for me, don't
waste my fucking time, you know. And so I think

(55:45):
the friendship piece is like you don't hesitate to tell
your real friends things because they're not going to leave
you based on your secrets. You know, they're going to
keep them and they're going to you know, give give
your insight but like niggas don't be judging each other
when they tell each other wild shit. Niggas keep their
niggas secrets and they're cheating on their wives and doing
fuck shit. So yeah, like bring that same homie energy
to your woman.

Speaker 1 (56:06):
And let me tell you, ladies, there is nothing sexier
than your man fucking you and being inside of you
and saying I'm so lucky that I get to fuck
my best friend, and then you actually believe it. Trust me,
highly highly recommend.

Speaker 3 (56:18):
Highly highly highly recommend.

Speaker 1 (56:21):
I've done it, me too, and I'm doing it and
it's real and I trust it and it feels good
and it's it's it's like a level of safety building that. Honestly,
you're building safety while someone's inside of your womb.

Speaker 3 (56:35):
I mean that. I don't know what's safer than that,
like truly, And so you know that's one piece missing
with me. And tell your husband to do that if
that's your best If that's your best ye, can you
tell me I'm your best friend while you fuck me.
That's the whole reason you make a best friend with
a penis holder.

Speaker 1 (56:56):
Strap bonds could be you could do this with a
strap bon maybe like you scissor and do it like
you're my best friend.

Speaker 3 (57:01):
Do you want to sister? And so I can tell
you my message.

Speaker 1 (57:03):
I'm always pussies together.

Speaker 3 (57:06):
Do you think will manifest faster?

Speaker 1 (57:07):
Do you think that's what needs to happen?

Speaker 3 (57:09):
Well, you know, I was supposed to give you a yoni,
a yoni like massage, and we never did it because
we are always working there and have time to Costa Rica.

Speaker 1 (57:17):
I know it Costa Rica is the time.

Speaker 3 (57:19):
You know what I had a thought I did. I
literally was like, oh, maybe this would be a good
time we could finally give each other yoning massages like
we're supposed to. And this is a very like educational piece.
It's very it's like, it's not erotic. It's it's not
it's not it's not erotic. It's intimate, but it's more
for the purpose of like meditation but also release and

(57:41):
not like yes, orgasm possibly, But sometimes there is things.

Speaker 1 (57:45):
Stored in your Sometimes a.

Speaker 3 (57:47):
Lot of times our wombs hold things physically and we
don't even realize it. It's like if you did a
certain hit, a certain stretch at the fucking yoga gym
and it made you cry. I've literally witnessed people just
on you know, like doing certain moodras on your genitals
that will release tears.

Speaker 1 (58:04):
Well, I can attest to it because I did it.
I had a Yoni massage. Yeah, and it was very
unexpected the things that came up, even even knowing because
I've learned the modality, I understand it, but then actually
really experiencing it with someone who's another woman who like,
there's no there's literally no attraction. She had, wants nothing
from me except to make to help me release something.

(58:25):
And just realizing where I'm numb in certain places and
where it actually is painful in certain places. That was
that was a real shakra for me because even in
my own practice of you know, Yoni mapping myself, like
it's different when someone else does it. And I didn't
realize I was experiencing pain in certain places until like
she was touching me there and I was like what

(58:46):
the ow? What the fuck? And I was like why
this is She's not even pushing hard, like why does
it hurt here? And then allowing myself to really walk
through the meditation and accessing why the why? And it's
usually like very visceral and like very you know, you
know what it is. It's kind of like even too.
I don't if you've ever ever gotten a massage and

(59:09):
like someone like hits like a point like or like
a not and you're like, oh shit, I know what
that is, Like that feels emotional, like that's anger. I like, yeah, yeah,
that's stress. Like you know, you carry stress in your neck,
like you know, where when you are aware, aware enough
and open enough, you can really access and understand what
it is actually that's in there and blocking. I mean

(59:31):
sometimes you can until it's fully released, but when you can,
it's like fuck.

Speaker 3 (59:36):
And it's true. And so I just wanted to I know,
going on going on, I just want to. I just
wanted to press preface why we're going to give you
Yoni map each other, Yeah, Costa Rica, because it's going
to a elevate our business and our manifestation and our
intimacy levels, and but mostly it's going to release some
shit too, to make for him for them.

Speaker 1 (59:55):
And if you're listening to this right now in the
first week of February, it's already happened.

Speaker 3 (01:00:00):
What happened.

Speaker 1 (01:00:00):
It's no Jamilla touched my pussy and I probably touched
hers and we cried, and now we're going to be billionaires. Period. Anyway,
number two.

Speaker 3 (01:00:11):
Anyway, number two, stop being so hard on yourself when
it comes to making relationship mistakes, forgiving yourself and trusting
the work that you've done. Ooh, this one hits a
home for me, honey.

Speaker 1 (01:00:26):
Because the last year, it was a hard year for me.

Speaker 3 (01:00:31):
Yeah, you had it hard.

Speaker 1 (01:00:32):
I did a little bit of regressing, just a little bit,
did a little regression in my healing process.

Speaker 3 (01:00:39):
Now against all my red flags. I don't know if
it's called regressing. It's it's you know what, it's necessary testing.
It's necessary testing to get to the next level. It's
not regression. It's the last I learned.

Speaker 1 (01:00:51):
And you know what, I accessed some really good shit
in that relationship to things that I knew. I finally
had a partner where I could explore certain things I'd
never been able to and so whether it was a
healthy version of the thing I wanted to ignore and
it was used as pure manipulation as a whole other subject. However,
I did realize certain things about myself, specifically in the

(01:01:13):
intimate space, because that's really where we thrived. All but
other than that, you know, like I think after that relationship,
I was so traumatized and it was like worse. It
felt worse than like maybe this is probably not the truth,
but it's just time numbs you and you forget. But

(01:01:33):
it felt harder than like my baby daddy breakup. I
know that's not the truth, but I think that maybe
it was just that pain was retriggered and it felt
like that, like I felt so much betrayal, I felt
so much confusion. I felt so much anger for myself.
I was like so mad at myself that I let
this nigga fucking fuck with my with my my knowingness

(01:01:57):
of shit, like I knew, you know, and I let
my also my judgment of myself, feeling like I'm too boundaried,
feeling like maybe I don't give people and the benefit
of the doubt enough, and like knowing that actually that
is my superpower, that no, I do give people the
benefit of the doubt, and typically the ones that I do,
it's because they needed the benefit of the doubt, and

(01:02:18):
typically when I don't, it's because they're up to no good.
And so because of that, I really allowed my boundaries
to uh be in limbo. And after that, after coming
out of that relationship. I was so like I was
like trying to do womb clearing, Like I didn't trust

(01:02:40):
my body. I didn't trust like even the thought of
having sex. I've never felt this way like revolted me
in a way that I was like, I don't even
deserve that type of pleasure because I didn't even I
don't even know how to respect my womb enough to
like the have the discernment and who's who I'm allowing
to enter And this person was unhealthy in a lot
of ways also like didn't treat his body well, you know.

(01:03:03):
And it's like, so because of that, I totally attest
to this feeling of like needing to forgive yourself for
those situations because I had a lot of healing before
that that like doesn't get deleted because I because I
needed this lesson. And so even and even for the
women that maybe like are just in the beginning of

(01:03:25):
their healing, it's so important that you allow yourself the
space to fuck up in this new chapter, chapter chapter,
because you are going to fuck up on the new

(01:03:46):
chapter and you don't just wake.

Speaker 3 (01:03:47):
Up with your own holy bitch that's healed.

Speaker 1 (01:03:48):
And high valued, you know. And I say that with
one of those quotation marks is I don't really like
that term either. I hate that term actually, and I
much more like the term high functioning because I understand
what that that feels like. There's a path that doesn't
feel like there's some sort of like violence and shame
being imposed upon women where we've already are like our

(01:04:11):
self worth is always in question all the time, already
in the society. That adding value, even in the spaces
of women talking about being high valued women, it just
I feel like reverses. It's like actually taking us back
by calling it that, but value it is relative. So
with that said, giving yourself the space and permission to

(01:04:32):
know in this new chapter you're going to fuck up.
If you're fresh out of toxicity, I don't recommend you
getting into a relationship, bitch. You probably need to set
the fuck down for a second. You need to listen
to your friends because they've told you a thousand motherfucking times,
and they're going to tell you again when you get
on tender five minutes after you broke up with a
niggative because you're going to casually date someone. You're not
looking for anything serious. But I'm just gonna like have

(01:04:52):
fun because like, you know, I deserve that, Like that
that was really crazy. No, bitch, you're not ready. Sit down.

Speaker 3 (01:04:58):
I mean, there's one thing that goes seeking and sometimes
things come knocking at your front door. You're on tender,
you're seeking, Yeah, don't be on tender.

Speaker 1 (01:05:05):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:05:05):
And also just realizing too that like that step one,
the friendship thing and like being really honest with people
like immediately, sometimes that's how the snakes get you, because
you are really honest, and then they'll play on that
and then they'll be they can be they'll be manipulative
by having the information, and first they'll they'll act like
it's okay, they'll sucument and then they'll use it against you.

(01:05:26):
And then it makes you question everything because now you've
let down your guard. It has seemed like they have
been safe people, and now you're both fucking confused. Like
you're confused, bitch, because you thought you were doing something
correct and then they you know, they backtrack because that's
happened too, and then it makes you question all of
all of your the lessons that you've learned. And it's
just important to know that, like you can fuck up
and know better. You know, and it's like spirit will

(01:05:52):
test you, and Spirit will make sure did you get it?
They'll it's gonna drive in the point and sometimes we're
gonna fall short. And that's okay. But how do you
how do you use that and not take it into
the next relationship? You not say so guarded in the
next relationship that you don't let a good thing come through,
you know, because you know there's some terrible niggas and
there's some great niggas, and it doesn't mean that everyone's

(01:06:13):
the same, but carrying that same vulnerability into each one
and not taking the wounds with you and the baggage
with you, and just letting everything be a clean slate.

Speaker 1 (01:06:24):
I mean, that's one thing I promised myself coming out
of that relationship that I wasn't going to allow this
to harden me. I wasn't going to allow this person
and this situation to have this much power over how
I'm able my capacity for love in my next relationship.
And even because my next relationship or that person showed
up relatively fast after I let that go, I did.

(01:06:47):
I had a lot of fear around is this too soon?
Like what like do I I don't trust myself and
I think the piece of allowing us to be friends
for a long time, and again for me, removing the
sex for over six months, like really allowed me to
know that okay, like I'm okay, like I'm making good choices.

(01:07:10):
I can trust myself. My intuition is good, like you know.
So I think the friendship is really important, like you said,
going back to number one in this in the second
part of giving yourself, forgiving yourself for the past and
the mistakes that you might make even in the interim,
because I don't know, Like I think sometimes it is

(01:07:31):
inevitable that you might bring something from a previous relationship,
because it's not even from the relationship really, it's probably
from something before that, your first relationship in love, you know.
But hopefully, you know, because of the friendship, you're able
to really talk through that thing with your partner, you know,
and just trusting.

Speaker 3 (01:07:48):
It's more about trusting that you've done the work.

Speaker 1 (01:07:50):
And I think it doesn't answer the phone, Like he
doesn't talk on the phone a lot. He's not like
good with the phone, And that was super triggering for.

Speaker 3 (01:07:56):
Me, oh right, because the last thing I would pretend
not to be good with this phone because he was
being a fun boy.

Speaker 1 (01:08:00):
And also there was that, and also we would talk
multiple times a day, and I got and I'm used
to that cadence. So like, going into this new relationship,
I could have totally fucked this whole relationship up just
based off that because I was so in my head
about it. I was so like, why is he answering
the phone? Why has he called me all day? Like
what the fuck is he doing? Like he says he's
not fucking either, my fucking would if he's fucking, Like

(01:08:21):
you know, it was just like it got crazy, but
I didn't allow I worked through it, and I also
communicated with him and said, hey, like I'm just not
used to this, Like I understand you're not good with
your phone and that's okay, and I'm working through it,
but I want you to know that like if I
call you and then if I call you in the
morning and then I don't hear from you until six
o'clock at night, that is like not okay. And I

(01:08:43):
don't even know if it's from my past relationship. I
think it's also just like there's a level of safety
that I need, There's a level of check in that
I need. There's a level of like, if there's an emergency,
do I have access to you? Can I depend on you?
And so like when I was able to share why
in that way, like there was adjustment room, you know.
And sometimes it's just as simple as that. Sometimes it's not.

Speaker 3 (01:09:03):
But yeah, yes, I think we got a little Yeah.
So four, this one's really important because it.

Speaker 2 (01:09:14):
Is number three.

Speaker 1 (01:09:15):
Oh we didn't do three, I don't think so.

Speaker 6 (01:09:17):
Oh sorry, am I What do you bring to the
table in terms of oh this we kind of went
into this past experiences, trauma and understanding your needs and wants.

Speaker 3 (01:09:29):
I think that as women, there's such a terrible inventory
of niggas that a lot of times we don't have
to check in on our own shit. The men are
so like it's so bare minimum right now, And I
know it's it's we got to look higher and lower
in new places. But like a lot of men are
like operating on this new, weird frequency that I don't

(01:09:50):
know what the fuck you not? I mean, just like
they've gone really deep in like women hating. But sometimes
I think we bypass our How are traumas show up
in our relationships? And I know people always talking about
like what do you bring the table? What do you
bring the table? But like, what do you bring to
the table in terms of your fucking trauma? You know?

(01:10:12):
How do you love? How does that prevent you from
being soft?

Speaker 4 (01:10:15):
You know?

Speaker 3 (01:10:15):
Because I think sometimes it's I think for me, particularly
me talking to me is like I hear all these
things all day on social on reels about black women
not being soft, and we're in our masculine and like,
you know, a lot of bashing of black women from
black men, and so I get defensive when I'm told
I'm not soft or I'm you know, not I do.

(01:10:37):
I get very defensive, and it's prevented me from actually
checking with myself and being like, could you be softer?
Could you speak nicer? Why is that hard for you?
Even when I'm told in the moment, hey, I realize
immediately my walls go up and I'm in defense mode.
I don't want to do it and having to check

(01:10:58):
with myself like where does that come from from? Why
can't you apologize?

Speaker 1 (01:11:02):
You know?

Speaker 3 (01:11:02):
There are certain things that I'm just like, I'm having
to work on my softness, but first I have to
be able to address it, and I have to soften
myself to be able to be like, Okay, this person
is telling me this because they love me. Maybe this
is how I grew up. Maybe I don't mean it
this way, but if someone else is interpreting it this way,
how can I change? How can I get uncomfortable so
that we can be comfortable and I can make do

(01:11:24):
something differently? Bless you, bless.

Speaker 1 (01:11:28):
Youe it ooh, I have blue dream, baby blue dream.
You know it's funny that you say that too, because
this has come up for me in my relationship, because
I'm finally in a relationship where I really feel safe.
So I'm usually on the defense waiting for a niggative
fuck up, and they always do. They always in my mind,
to me, I feel like they fuck up. They might

(01:11:49):
have a different storyline, but to me, I feel like
I've been pretty great and become ungreat once they become ungreat,
So I'm always waiting for them to fuck and so
in this relationship that just hasn't happened. And so then
I was like, oh, okay, cool up. Now I'm gonna

(01:12:10):
like just like punching him a little bit like and
then I'm like, damn, am.

Speaker 3 (01:12:13):
I gonna be the one to fuck up this?

Speaker 1 (01:12:14):
Relationship, and I'm like, oh my god, like I haven't
even had the opportunity to let my fucking shit, my
little fucking toxic flag.

Speaker 3 (01:12:21):
Fly, because it's usually justified, but.

Speaker 1 (01:12:23):
Because I, like I'm I'm usually the like the victim
of the toxicity first, so then I'm just on defeat
on defense, trying to like heal niggasm shit. And then
now that I like have a very like a man
that's been dedicated to his healing, I think even far
beyond I became even aware that I had the option
to do it, I'm like, oh wow, cool, Yeah, I'm

(01:12:48):
sorry about that. That you didn't deserve that, and that
is some shit I need to work on.

Speaker 3 (01:12:54):
And and that's the thing. And you know, that's the
thing about dating someone who is your equal and who's
always already on the journey and already self aware and
like committed and wanting to invest in a relationship and
invest it in love. It's like that's when you get
to really to step your game up. That's where you
get to grow, and that's where you get to stretch
and be like, oh, like, this person's actually making me

(01:13:16):
have to be better. But a lot of times women
are dating below them, and so you don't even get
to that point because then stay fuck up. Within the
first five days, first five business days, they're fucking up.
So it never, it never, rarely gets to the point
where you have to look at yourself and grow and grow.
And that's where you're like, oh, this is what the
journey of love looks like. When I'm safe and someone

(01:13:38):
can tell me gently, hey, I love you, Hey, look
at me. I don't really I don't like that, you know,
I know, you know. It's just a different it's a
whole new, whole new Not being able to acapella sing
is remakes really a whole new world, a whole new world,

(01:14:01):
a whole new world. Not from Maladin bo relaxed from
Jim Aladdin. It's a new remix.

Speaker 1 (01:14:11):
Oh my god. Okay, number four.

Speaker 3 (01:14:17):
That number four is I think we kind of touched
on this, but I'm gonna add something to this because
I forgot it on a different one. The number four
is authenticity. Are you being honest? And or are you
being the digestible version of yourself? And since we kind
of already touch on this, I'd like to touch on
something more important. Stepping out of your comfort zone when
you date necessary. Yes, everyone's like, you always date. Never

(01:14:37):
mind what I was gonna say, you always ate the
black eye. This is my my white friend's talking to
my white friend. The only dates the black guys do?
Want you do somebody else?

Speaker 1 (01:14:45):
That's oh, they're saying that to her.

Speaker 3 (01:14:46):
Yeah, But you know, I think sometimes we're like, if
you always date this kind of honestly, if you're always
dating a thug and he has four phones and he
always has to make a run and you never know
where he's going, and you don't know really what he does,
and he has four baby mamas, and you know he's
probably a drug dealer. Probably date somebody a new type,
you know, with a job, a real one. No, you know,
no shade to the drug dealers. But I think sometimes

(01:15:10):
we take this too far. And if you've been a
part of Good Moms for a long time, you remember
the time we.

Speaker 1 (01:15:15):
Took this too far, you know, you know, I think
we were talking to our last episode about stupid bitch
and then like the stupid aware bitch. Yes we were,
we didn't we thankfully those relationships were at the very
deadline of stupid aware bitch and stupid bitch. But actually
I don't even know if we were aware. I mean,

(01:15:36):
we were aware we were actively choosing men that we've
never given a chance to before. We both knew we
were choosing nerds, and not that nerds are not cute,
but these are very specifics. Are cool like bad, like
badge fashions, like white people, talking voices.

Speaker 3 (01:15:56):
Like like YouTube buffs, like not really wanting the fun.
There was a lot of red flags, nerd flags. It
was a lot nerd flags, you know, And it was
a good thing at one point. And you know, no
shade to that guy, actually a little shade, but he
was He was older, he wanted he had a good job,

(01:16:16):
he wanted to be married, all great things.

Speaker 1 (01:16:19):
He had a dog.

Speaker 3 (01:16:19):
He had a dog he would not leave at home
fucking ever. He had camping equipment, I mean camping equipment,
and that was great. He knew how to survive in
apocalypse and that was great. But it was not realistic.
That was too far left, and I knew it, and

(01:16:40):
I kept trying to make myself attracted to him. I
was from the waist down, you know, maybe even the
belly button. He had a little ab going. But the
thing was he wasn't my niggad and I wasn't wildly
attracted to him, and I'm not saying it to be
wildly attracted to every guy you date, but there is
a level of I wanna fuck the shit out of

(01:17:01):
you right now that has to happen because when you
get out my motherfucking nerves and you're talking too much
and you're doing too much, which will inevitably happen, and
it's your peer things got to hold us down, and
it's gonna be the it's gonna be your attraction to
the person, and like the like them a level of like,
I want to sit on your dick right now, that's
gonna get you through, you know, the irritation. And I

(01:17:23):
think sometimes women like especially you know, no shade to
the single moms, I get it. I see single moms
just go with the safe guy because they've been hurt
in the past relationship. Go with the safe guy because
he's safe, because you know he wants the things. But
knowing good and god damn well, bitch, you don't really
want to sit on his face all the time. And
I think that's not fair to the other person, you know,

(01:17:44):
because there's somewhere out there who wants to sit on
that man's dick all the time. It's just not you.
And I think you just do yourself a disservice trying
to do the safe thing.

Speaker 1 (01:17:51):
You think that you think that I don't know if
I agree that this is a single mom thing. I
think that this is actually a woman without child thing
that happens.

Speaker 3 (01:18:01):
Oh, you're right, it's both.

Speaker 1 (01:18:02):
But sometimes I think I can understand why you would
say that it probably is a demographic of single mothers
that just want help and support.

Speaker 3 (01:18:10):
There's a safety you have to You need safety not
only for yourself but for your kid too.

Speaker 1 (01:18:14):
Yeah, but that will compromise those those pieces for the need,
the need that they've been starved of in whatever version
of motherhood they're dealing with. But I also think that
this is wildly, wildly a thing for people without children,
because especially if you're of a certain age without children,
like because because in this world, and it's true, like

(01:18:36):
we do have a time limit into which we can
pro create, and so women start making really crazy deals
with themselves in order to either push the timeline up
to which they we're going to have a child. And
even for the people that are younger than that, it's
more so about you know, these societal expectations of like, oh,
I won't even say societal expectations because I do think

(01:18:57):
that like we've women have shifted in this idea that
like they need to be a wife first, like people
are now like I want to have a business first,
I want to have a career. But I think there's
still a lot of pressure for women to feel worthy.
And being a wife makes people feel worthy. It's part
of the checklist, the career, and the wife is part

(01:19:17):
of the checklist. And but a lot of times that
wifey thing or that wifey title equals worthiness, like someone
chose me equals value equals I have purpose now, you know.

Speaker 3 (01:19:32):
And and there's also the the this idea that women
like their their value decreases as they get older, and
that you know, our birth, you know, we only have
a certain window and we can have babies, and that
drives us too to just be like this is the
best thing.

Speaker 1 (01:19:47):
Yeah, And so there's like compromises that we make for
the for that to to find to be in partnership
with anyone honestly. So, uh yeah, that's the recipe for
fucking disaster.

Speaker 3 (01:20:00):
Here's a good mom tip. Erica taught me this, and
I almost didn't forgive her. But next time you're scrolling
to said dating apps, I'm not gonna say them because
they should pay us, because this is me. I'm such
a cancer. I'm like, I like this answer. That was funny,
you know, and the Erica said, zoom into his face
and then think to yourself, can I wake up to

(01:20:22):
this face every morning? And after that I scrolled different
for the rest of my fucking single life and I
barely swiped yes because I'm gonna add one more layer
to that.

Speaker 1 (01:20:31):
Can you picture his fuck face? And is that okay
with you? Okay? Because listen, I have I have trauma
over fuck faces. That's some bad fuck faces, some real
one real and honestly, it's not just because he's cute
doesn't mean his fuck face.

Speaker 3 (01:20:46):
Who is the worst fuck face you've ever had?

Speaker 1 (01:20:49):
I can't say this publicly.

Speaker 3 (01:20:51):
You don't have a name.

Speaker 1 (01:20:52):
It's not even a name. It's just like, okay, just no,
it's I just know, it's just just know. It's the
reason I became a good mom. Who specially.

Speaker 3 (01:21:05):
Yeah, So I do agree with going out of your
comfort zone. You can't date the same kind of guy
who has emotionally unavailable, but you do have to be
realistic in you know, your genuine attraction to that person,
like you know, sometimes breaking news guys, and.

Speaker 1 (01:21:20):
That doesn't mean physical too, like sometimes it's like another
thing too. This is really random, but like for me,
music is really important. If we can't if you don't
listen to my type of music and we don't have
like the same sort of like inclination to sound in
some capacity, it's not gonna work.

Speaker 3 (01:21:38):
Because we do go to concert together.

Speaker 1 (01:21:39):
It's just it's just not gonna work. Like our sexy
time isn't gonna be aligned, like our house vibes are
not gonna be aligned. Like clearly our frequencies are not
the fucking same. I should have known that. Like I've
had boyfriends that like listen to like just like hardcore,
like fucking Ozzy Osbourne and shit, and I'm like, oh
my god, he's black and he likes Azzi asthma, it's cool.
And then I'm listening to Azzi os I'm like, this is.

Speaker 3 (01:21:59):
Not like that happened. That happened to my friend and
she was at all these EDM concerts and she was
angry after she was just like I. Finally we're like,
I know this bitch likes hip hopic, why is she
doing this star stuff? And finally, when the relationship is over,
she's like, if I hear one more fucking DM, I'm
gonna die. I'm like, yeah, bitch, because that was never
your knigg Like why do you do? Why do we
do these things? Look, I could do EDM. It's fine,

(01:22:22):
that's not gonna And honestly, like, is EDM gonna be
the breaking point in your possible husband? No, if you
know what's your husband, you'll be able to withstand.

Speaker 1 (01:22:30):
But you know what your things are. You know, like
whether it's like you like fucking you like certain kind
of movies like these are how you're going to spend
your time, or.

Speaker 3 (01:22:40):
You like bougie shit if you like bougie shit and
he brings three to five fucking outfits on a ten
day vacation. Not the one if he suggests washing his
clothes in the sink and staying at a hostel and
he's over thirty years old. Not the one if you
like boozy things. But if you like hostels, you guys
a gonna fucking hostile your lives away.

Speaker 1 (01:23:01):
I mean, I don't think it also depends on where
on the list bougie things will fall for you, because
I think some people do like bougie things, but they
can that's not gonna be the reason why they're going
to pass up the love of their life.

Speaker 3 (01:23:09):
And and you also know if it's if you, If
you you'll know if it's your husband and you're passing
up to the husband of your life, if if it's
something you literally can't get passed if you're And also
be aware of when you nitpick things, because I when
you're trying to repel something for whatever personal reasons, you'll
make up things. I made up things about Orlando, and
I believe them, and I was like, that crop top's

(01:23:30):
not gonna work. I just like I knew he was
a whore. That was actually true and honest, that was
real observation. But there is things that I made up.
I told he told he told me that he didn't
have a jaw line. And then after he told me,
I told I was like, I don't think it's gonna work.
She's like, why it's like his jaw line and she
was like, what are you talking about. I was like,
he mentioned it and I can't see it.

Speaker 1 (01:23:50):
And I'm true.

Speaker 3 (01:23:51):
I was like making up things and I was like, yeah,
I don't know. I told you, and then I told
my friends I think he's gay. I made up all
types of things not to make Orlando up until like
deeply into it, I was like, it's just not gonna work.
And I realized, like I was making myself fine reasons
not to be happy. So there's a fine line, but
the guy line, but the nerd guy. You know, you

(01:24:14):
absolutely know that that outfit is not gonna work for
the rest of your life. There's just certain things that
you you're gonna start resenting this person and you're in
your body, you know. I was literally looking at this
thing and be like, and maybe if I changed his clothes,
he looks good in this outfit, So maybe if I
get more outfits like this, Like, you can't be calculating
shit like that, you know what I mean? So I

(01:24:35):
do keep it real. And also, breaking news, just because
he's a good guy does not mean he's your guy.
A good nice guy doesn't That's not all you need.

Speaker 1 (01:24:49):
Breaking news.

Speaker 3 (01:24:50):
Not just because he doesn't beat you and he has
a job and he's a good guy. That does not
make him your husband. Does he make your pussy tingle,
your body telling tancha, your body telling what it is?

Speaker 1 (01:25:08):
Yes, all those things and does he hit all the
other things on the list, like is he those things
on the list that are important to you? Is he
is he? Can he provide safety or whatever?

Speaker 3 (01:25:19):
Safety and always and friendship?

Speaker 1 (01:25:21):
Friendship like do you guys do your family's mesh like
if that's on the list for you? Where families are
super important, like the actual a meshing of families. And
he doesn't prioritize family, And that's something I realize for me,
like is super important. I'm not interested in dating people
that don't understand and prioritize their family because I do.
And it's going to be annoying to me when your

(01:25:42):
mom lives five miles away and you see her two
times a year or like every other month when she's
there and she's old, like that bothers me. So it's
just and I feel like I know inevitably those things
end up impacting how you are able to show up
for me, And because that's important to me, maybe that
could be great for somebody else. So I think it's
about honoring like truly, truly your X and your hell

(01:26:08):
yes is yes yes.

Speaker 3 (01:26:10):
If it's not a hell yeah, it's probably a nobly
number five. This is very important. Some may disagree, but
this is why you have to trust your trustworthy tribe.
Trust your trustworthy tribe. Sometimes your friends, you know, your

(01:26:33):
friends are going to tell you the truth because they
know you and they love you, and they're not going
to try and hurt you. And sometimes you gotta trust that.

Speaker 1 (01:26:39):
No, it's true. I think your friends are going to
see things that you ki'd just can't see. Once you've
been penetrated.

Speaker 3 (01:26:49):
Everybody knows.

Speaker 1 (01:26:50):
Everybody knows penetrated, you're fucked literally and figuratively, and your
friends are unfucked, and so they will tell you the
fucking truth.

Speaker 3 (01:26:57):
Penetration will make you blind, you know.

Speaker 1 (01:26:59):
And friends, if you're listening, tell them stop, like, don't
don't wait too long, let her, you know, do her thing.
But then inevitably you have to tell your friend the
truth because like she won't know, she really won't see,
and she may not even listen. And that's fine, but
at least you tried. So trust your trusted tribe, and

(01:27:22):
trust yourself and trust yourself most importantly.

Speaker 3 (01:27:25):
Yeah, So good luck with love, Good luck with love
sign a fiance.

Speaker 1 (01:27:36):
Oh is it terrot time?

Speaker 6 (01:27:37):
My dear?

Speaker 3 (01:27:38):
I believe it is terot time. You guys, have you

(01:27:58):
been enjoying our beautifully cinematic segways to each of our segments?
If you haven't turned in to YouTube, if you haven't
subscribed to YouTube, you're missing out because we have beautiful production.
We have a beautiful set, We are beautiful, and we
dress nice, and so we've produced highly beautiful.

Speaker 1 (01:28:19):
Content for you to watch and enjoy. It's really a
TV show you're gonna watch. Over there, you'll also see
our beautiful outfits. Right now, I'm actually wearing something from
our online store. It's for the Good Moms, the Good
Mom Crew neck. I don't like to call it merch.
It's our fashion line that we design and it's very
high quality. And if you want our website, you get

(01:28:39):
a discount. We sign up for a newsletter. So make
sure you check out goodmomspad Choices dot com. Go check
out our online store and all our offerings on our website.

Speaker 3 (01:28:50):
Tack your heart, my love.

Speaker 2 (01:28:52):
See ooh, this is interesting.

Speaker 1 (01:29:05):
The Five of Pentacles looks like they're having a hard time.

Speaker 2 (01:29:13):
To check out this card.

Speaker 3 (01:29:14):
See what it looks like.

Speaker 2 (01:29:17):
It's a little destitute.

Speaker 3 (01:29:19):
It's very destitute. One of them has a broken foot.

Speaker 1 (01:29:24):
I know he's injured.

Speaker 3 (01:29:25):
Financial loss, poverty, lack mindset, isolation, worry. The five of
Pentacles is a card of financial loss and poverty. Hit.
You have hit hard times, especially when it comes to
your work, career, finances, and material possessions. You may have
recently lost your job, your home, or financial security. You
no longer feel safe because it has been all stripped

(01:29:46):
away from you. In one below. Your ego may also
be bruised, especially since success often correlates to financial wealth.
Losing either can be humbling blow to your self esteem
and sense of self forth. The upside is that this
is a minor arcana card and with temporary effects rather
than a major ocana which have longer term impact. This too,
shall pass. In this time of need, The fiber Pentacles

(01:30:08):
indicates that you feel isolated and alone, just like the
two people in the car. Do you feel as if
you have been left in the cold. You may wonder
why is no one coming to help me? It appears
as if no one cares anymore. However, since the windows
in the church are lit up, help us nearby? But
you are too focused on your problems to notice. You
may be waiting for someone to come and help you
when you really need When you really you need to

(01:30:30):
be proactive and ask for help. You need to swallow
your pride or let go of your fear of rejection
and reach out. People are here to support you, find
them and let them know you need them. It can
highlight a lack mindset. You are sabotaging your ability to
create abundance because you only focus on lack.

Speaker 1 (01:30:50):
Okay, this card is for me because I've been battling
this mindset for the last few weeks around financial stability
for the rest of my life, and like I was
talking to my mom about this yesterday, I was like,
how the fuck do people take care of themselves forever
in this world? Forever when you get old and you

(01:31:12):
can't work anymore, Like are you do you just accept
that you have your life and like you have your
life downgrades in some capacity or is it not a downgrade,
It's just an acceptance that none of this shit actually
matters and it takes us that long to fucking realize
it that, like I don't need all these fucking things,
Or is it that I've just prepared really well, and yes,
things will change slowly in adjustment to how much I

(01:31:35):
acquire or do, but that's also because I'm aging and
I don't require that much anymore. So I was thinking,
just like I've been stressing about that, like that concept
of like generational wealth saving money, just like knowing that
everything shifts and changes and I have control, but I

(01:31:56):
also don't have control in certain ways right now in
my life. And what am I going to do about it?
And like am I gonna rise to the occasion? I'm
gonna fucking crumble? And just like how how you do it? All?
So I know that those thoughts too, even when I'm
having them, I know that they're they're not true, and

(01:32:16):
I have to keep but I have to keep. I've
been having to keep having that conversation with myself and
pulling myself out of financial scarcity and realizing like and
then and then I continue to get blessings that are
reminding me that no, no, and I've gotten them actually
throughout the last two weeks. While I've been having these
really weird thoughts, God has also been blessing me and

(01:32:37):
showing me that it's not true. So trying to hold
on to those moments and really believing them to be
true and knowing that it's not just a moment, because
I think there's that too. It's like feeling like we
all have our moment, especially in like this industry that
we're in, like entertainment and podcasting, and but I know
that what we do is even more so, is more

(01:32:58):
than just that, and that it just keeps expanding. And yeah,
so back hard is it's for me and I receive it.
It's okay.

Speaker 3 (01:33:08):
It's scary. I mean it's scary to have the thought
like I have to provide and care for myself from
now until forever, and if you know, one thing goes wrong,
what does that look like?

Speaker 1 (01:33:19):
You know?

Speaker 3 (01:33:20):
Yeah, safety is big, and like constantly think and thinking
about it when you think about over your lifetime and
then you think about having a child, and it's just
like it's such a grand uh, it's such a grand
like not burden, but responsibility to just think of and
that and I do it all the time, and I
get fucking anxiety and then I want to just lay down.
But it's just like having the knowing that you're always

(01:33:42):
provided for and taking care of and that, you know. Yeah,
like following the path is always going to bring you
to where you need to be, and distrusting that, especially
when our journey has already shown us that so much,
you know, And yeah, like that's every there's going to
be something presented every day that's scary and big. And
this is the lifetime we've been granted and it is

(01:34:03):
actually a very short time, and so why not like
find joy in figuring out and just know that everything's
going to be okay even if it looks different. And
you know, we've been through hard things and you can
get through hard things, and so ultimately there's no big
anxiety to have to fear, to be scared of, but
that everything is going as it should be.

Speaker 1 (01:34:24):
A well, y'all, this was fun. I love you. Thank
you for joining us for another episode of Good Mom's
Bad Choices. If you haven't had a chance, make sure
you go rate and review this episode. Like Mila said,
subscribe on YouTube, subscribe on all podcast platforms. Oh guess what,

(01:34:44):
we just release dates for our next Costa Rica retreat
and in the summertime, and you have time, bitches. So
we're taking our Good Vibe Retreat to our annual location
which we love so much on both the Yaho in July,
end of July, July thirty first, Yeah, July thirty first

(01:35:06):
through the fifth, and then August eighth, eighth through the eleven.
No something, just look at the dates. It's an it's
basically in August and yeah, if you're watching, if you're
listening to this in February first, we're in Costa Rica.
To go check out our stories like good Mom's Underscore
Bad Choices and watch us living our best life and bikinis,

(01:35:27):
and then you'll want to come in the summertime.

Speaker 3 (01:35:29):
You definitely, well, we'll be thriving.

Speaker 4 (01:35:32):
Go.

Speaker 3 (01:35:32):
Look, I can't wait to see my future self.

Speaker 1 (01:35:35):
Love you guys, Bye bye.

Speaker 4 (01:35:38):
Yeah, I'm living so good, can't you sell? I went
through a drought, that's until I find a well made
my have been known earth. I used to be broken tail,
now got the blues dance and might beyon Say Jasell
throat shot or pop in this power in our voices
patriarch and kept it in the box.

Speaker 3 (01:35:53):
So it's floid. Women put the pi and powers.

Speaker 5 (01:35:56):
So what's the point do they want me to be good?

Speaker 4 (01:35:58):
So I made bad choices, not a bad mom but
a Bad Mom bitters in put Cannabis Iner, bath Bomb,
walk in Boss's cap and num b Lewis cat ball
tip dog. Now I'm a mule to the cat call
Herbie and no waste the straight to it like a
dollar sign. Mother ren the number when So it's like
a water summer where you're Rena wins recentual will win
the summer time I do what all they know when

(01:36:19):
I need.

Speaker 5 (01:36:19):
Some run by.

Speaker 1 (01:36:21):
Good Mom's Bad Choices is a production of the Black
Effect podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
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good Mom's Underscore Bad Choices. Make sure to subscribe to
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(01:36:43):
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Hosts And Creators

Erica Dickerson

Jamilah Mapp

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