When Roles Shift in Relationships

What does partnership actually look like when you’re not trying to lose yourself in the process?

This week, Good Moms chat about  the pressure of “wife duties,” keeping intimacy alive, the lifelong classroom of mother–daughter relationships, and how to balance it all.

You can expect to hear:

• (04:30) Victoria’s Secret lies, and why pregnancy boobs are both the best and worst.
• (12:15) Pregnancy brain and "deleting" o r “missing years” of early motherhood
• (18:40) The weird things no one tells you
• (26:00) Talking to your mom as an adult, and realizing you’ll always be her “child” no matter your age.
• (42:15) Moving in with a partner: why Mila suddenly feels like a housewife now that Orlando’s back in the workforce.
• (56:20) Erica’s story of caring for a sick partner and questioning how ready she really is for “in sickness and in health.”
• (01:05:00) ChatGPT defines “wife duties” (and the ladies call BS, while making it way funnier).
• (01:15:00) How to keep sex and passion alive in long-term relationships and why Milah refuses to accept the relationship park dimming/dying.

(01:33:00) Tarot time

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Connect With Us:

@GoodMoms_BadChoices

@TheGoodVibeRetreat

@Good.GoodMedia

@WatchErica

@Milah_Mapp

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Once upon a time there was a good old traditional housewife.
She couldn't She cleaned and cared for her children and
the man of the house, and of course she didn't
talk back. She was both obedient and soft by nature.
She was a good woman who always made good choices.

Speaker 2 (00:17):
We're good mom's bad choices.

Speaker 3 (00:18):
Who's single mom who said fuck the patriarchy? Shared all
their bad choices and sound out they were so bad.
After all, we're experts, overshares and your new besties.

Speaker 2 (00:26):
Sit back and enjoy the ride.

Speaker 3 (00:28):
I can do it. Welcome back to good Mom's bad Choices.
I'm America, and I'm Nila, your little titty committee leader,
and I'm here to tell you don't need big titties
to thrive. You can have sch medium or extra larger petite,
which you're like mine a small bee. Don't you dare

(00:49):
say triple A because they're not. And you can thrive
with these big old titties anywhere in a bathing suit
in the snow at Disneyland and your while riding. One
of the things I used to have problems accepting is
when I was on top and I go like this,
it kind of looks like utters like a cat, so

(01:11):
I don't really remind myself not to do that, but
not anymore. Oh like you has always got a art
your back. Well, you just can't do this, okay, because
I don't look good like that. But that's not the point.
I love them and always I don't think.

Speaker 2 (01:27):
I think all the men, all the men that have
seen your titties in that position, have not had that thought.
I think women generally are were in our heads. We're
not busy because your pussy's wrapped around their peace and
thinking about, oh my god, her tits look like utters.

Speaker 3 (01:42):
You just gotta squeeze your life away and then they
won't remember shit. Yep, exactly.

Speaker 2 (01:46):
Just key distract them, squeeze the life out of their
deck stores.

Speaker 3 (01:51):
Wherever you're at right now, if you're listening to this
and your headphones at work or in the car, let's
just take a collective good mom's squeeze of the person.
Squeeze gay squeeze, squeeze, geeze, squeez squeeze, squeze, squeeze, squeeze
an exhil, don't say good moms never did anything for you. Yes,

(02:12):
you're welcome, husband and boyfriend and digmatized nigga that you
found last week.

Speaker 2 (02:19):
I had someone in my DM's yesterday asking about how
big my boobs were because she's getting a breast reduction
and she was curious what size I had, and she
has a J and I was like, god, damn, I.

Speaker 3 (02:31):
Wasn't really a J though, because Victoria be lying.

Speaker 2 (02:34):
I got to ae F.

Speaker 3 (02:35):
But they but that's not an F, so they'd be
lying like Victoria's secret. No, but that was no.

Speaker 2 (02:39):
I was an F like not Victoria's secret. Not this
when I had When I got frien, I was and
I was breastfeeding, my tits were added.

Speaker 3 (02:47):
Really, yeah, I do want to need to see footage? Yeah,
I show you actually when if you see my tits
when I was breastfeeding, that's actually the book. That's actually
the picture I'm going to present the doctor because they
looked great and they were probably like a large seat.
In fact, I'm going to scroll through my photos just
so I can insert it here because it's very important
to me. It's actually my best boob life is when

(03:09):
I was breastfeeding. Unfortunately, there's milk coming out, so it
wasn't like thriving like I would want it to if
they were real, fake, fake, real, but yeah, god, that's
like my one motivation to get pregnant again. Like, hey, Landa,
look at these You never seen this before.

Speaker 4 (03:24):
I know.

Speaker 2 (03:24):
But the only thing about it is when they're that size,
like they're being used so much. Yeah, actually it's like
get the fuck away. It's like you're in like the
best hit, got the best hits of your life, and
they're doing neckless doing that.

Speaker 3 (03:37):
I mean they're I mean they're doing they're doing that
fun for you. Really, that's true. And have you ever
when you're breastfeeding, were you ever like riding and then
like you're also like full and then they start to
go like like you could squirt. I didn't. I didn't
breastfeed long enough for that to happen. They would like
simultaneously just be especially in the shower.

Speaker 2 (03:55):
I don't think I was having sex too. I was like,
get the fun. I literally was. That was pretty much
my whole pregnancy up until maybe one year after I
had Iri.

Speaker 3 (04:01):
I didn't really I didn't. I wasn't really second.

Speaker 2 (04:03):
I don't even remember. I actually I don't remember any
I don't really don't remember. I actually can't even remember.
There's like a big part of I think the early
days of motherhood that I literally don't have a don't
have recklee. Maybe it'll come back later. Maybe if I
do AMDR.

Speaker 3 (04:17):
Let me tell you why. Why Because it was traumatized.
I know, because you were traumat I know that's why
I don't remember either.

Speaker 2 (04:23):
Maybe I could do AMDR and then it'll come back.
You don't want to, I mean, there's gotta be there's
some good ship that happened, for sure.

Speaker 3 (04:29):
I think I blocked out, like all of my pregnancy.
I can't remember, like really shit except I think I
found my baby daddy and bumble and amongst other things.

Speaker 2 (04:39):
I remember my pregnancy. It's after the pregnancy that I
don't remember anything.

Speaker 3 (04:43):
I remember after a little bit, but like that full
two years, like the pregnancy in that first year were
a little bit like a blur because I was probably
like very miserable and said.

Speaker 2 (04:51):
There's a lot going on. You're literally walking into like
a rite of passage that no one can there's nothing
that can prepare you.

Speaker 3 (04:58):
Literally, I don't care.

Speaker 2 (05:00):
You've got mom, friends, lots of sisters, siblings, whatever the
fuck you thought you knew, you don't until you go
through this. Because your hormones also you're like literally not
in control anymore. You're out of control your bache, you're crazy.

Speaker 3 (05:11):
You're basically like a host takes over your body. It's
like a zombie apocalypse because like your hormones take over.
It's not even you anymore. Good luck.

Speaker 2 (05:20):
So for those that are thinking about having a baby, congratulation.

Speaker 3 (05:25):
It's actually truly like a zombie because the baby, you
are a host. You're like your hormones stake over your personality.
The baby takes over your actual nutrients in your body,
and you like go elsewhere that we don't really know
yet where you go. But maybe this.

Speaker 2 (05:38):
Maybe we're like stuck in another dimension, like.

Speaker 3 (05:40):
We're like resting. Maybe we're resting to rest because we
know it's like we want to have to stay up
along a lot of hours. Do you hear that this
is your only way to rest. You won't remember and
you won't feel rested at all, But it'll be great.
Maybe in our second pregnancies it will be different and
we'll have a memory.

Speaker 2 (06:00):
Well, because we're more self aware now, but also we forgot.

Speaker 3 (06:04):
I'm kind of scared because I know more, and because
I know more, you know more.

Speaker 2 (06:08):
But also we forgot.

Speaker 3 (06:10):
I forgot, But then, like I know so much information.

Speaker 2 (06:12):
Our bodies are different. What if we have a totally
different reaction our bodies like some other wild shit.

Speaker 3 (06:17):
That's my biggest fear. It's ten years later, Like I'm
primarily concerned about chin hair growth.

Speaker 2 (06:25):
I already have that problem.

Speaker 3 (06:26):
I do.

Speaker 2 (06:26):
That's why I'm already have that problem with Actually I
forgot to pluck that chin hair this morning that I
saw on the.

Speaker 3 (06:33):
Like triples, and then I'll die. Maybe, So that's not.

Speaker 2 (06:37):
Gonna die die. I guess to another dimension.

Speaker 3 (06:41):
I'm gonna get electrolysis.

Speaker 2 (06:42):
I got electrons.

Speaker 3 (06:43):
Did it work? Though?

Speaker 2 (06:44):
I got electrolysis while I was pregnant. I don't know
if I was supposed to do that, but I did it.
Not well, it worked, yeah, because I was getting I
told you I grew a beard on my neck, a
little patch, a little circa may right here, like between
ten and fifteen. Really it was substantial, really.

Speaker 3 (07:02):
Like enough that I was like, were you visibly pregnant?
Did the lady know you're pregnant?

Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (07:06):
Oh okay, oh okay, I mean I respine, Yeah, yeah,
she's fine.

Speaker 2 (07:17):
I was supposed to shave it.

Speaker 3 (07:18):
No, no, no, I don't know what you're suppsed to do.
I would do the same thing. I would risk it all.

Speaker 2 (07:23):
I mean, we've done it. People have done worse things.
People smoke crack.

Speaker 3 (07:26):
I just got electrolysis. I fun fact, fun bag.

Speaker 2 (07:31):
If we're really gonna like way the go on the
spectrum of irresponsible good mom, good mom's bad choices, I'm
gonna lean more towards the good mom.

Speaker 3 (07:40):
I once watch the documentary about the crack era, and
what I collected from the whole thing was scientists were
really surprised that after the crack epidemic that a lot
of the babies that were products of like crack moms,
they were affected, but not as affected as they thought
they were going to be. So if you're crack, but
you're fine, razzle dazzle all extra sprinkle like like quite

(08:05):
literally and it might be genius, You're welcome. And in
the sixties they were telling women to drink martinis and
smoke cigarettes while they were pregnant. So the point is
we don't really know electrolysis is problem.

Speaker 2 (08:17):
A lot of people from the sixties are fucked up.

Speaker 3 (08:20):
It's not because they are drinking.

Speaker 2 (08:21):
All the people that are in power now around that time.

Speaker 3 (08:24):
Because he's fifties. Those guys are a little it's because
their moms didn't hug them. That's the real issue. It's
not the martinis and the hug marbles, the hugs. The hugs.

Speaker 2 (08:33):
Yeah, you gotta hug your kids important.

Speaker 3 (08:37):
Well, I'm glad that sorry, we just will. I'm glad
that we we've recovered that.

Speaker 2 (08:44):
Yeah, and that we've we got hugs and we're giving
our children hugs. And then I did not smoke crack
while I was pregnant.

Speaker 3 (08:51):
I did not electrolysis, which was I lady did some
other things before I knew I was pregnant. It wasn't
smoking crack, though, but there was some other things that
Luda's fine. She was great. She's wonderful, intelligent, funny. The
other things might have made gave her a sense of humor.

(09:12):
We makes. It gives you the giggles. It will give
your baby the giggles too. Oh God, don't endorse anything
that we say, because we are not all for entertainment purposes.
I didn't do any of these things. We were twenty six.
What we're supposed to do, who knows?

Speaker 2 (09:33):
Like we're children, We were children having children.

Speaker 3 (09:36):
You know, you couldn't tell me I wasn't grown though.

Speaker 2 (09:39):
Oh no, not at all.

Speaker 3 (09:41):
It's like, I'm a grown woman. I am twenty six
years old, mom, and I'm gonna have this baby, you know.

Speaker 2 (09:46):
I was sitting with my mom yesterday and I was
telling her, like, some some stuff that's going on with
my little sister who's nineteen.

Speaker 3 (09:52):
Did you ever respond to that text message?

Speaker 2 (09:54):
I did after I calmed down, and it went, well,
I'm glad that I was able to be a big sister.

Speaker 3 (10:00):
Not a bitch. That's good for you, because I was thinking, wow, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (10:05):
It took me an hour but and a few rewrites
of the text message. But I was telling my mom
about what was happening, and when I left her, I
was thinking because I was like, she's a child, like
she's a child, and my Mom's like, well, she's not
really a child, like she's nineteen, she's a teenager. And
then I was thinking about my mom listening to her
daughter tell her this, and I'm obviously I'm not nineteen,

(10:28):
but I'm still a child in my mom's eyes, and
just like her thinking.

Speaker 3 (10:31):
The crazy part is will always be children.

Speaker 5 (10:33):
I know.

Speaker 2 (10:34):
And then I was but I was just thinking about
I retelling me this, and I was just like, Wow,
it just keeps going.

Speaker 3 (10:38):
Huh.

Speaker 2 (10:38):
I just like we always think we're grown. We just
always think we're grown.

Speaker 3 (10:42):
And we're not. Let's just accept the fact that we'll
never be grown, We'll never be fully grown, We're always
we're always growing. I talked to my mom this morning,
and we literally speak different languages. I don't know if
my communication language is just off from the world, but
like we're like having the same conversation but like clashing
it not. And I'm like agreeing, but we're still arguing,
and I'm like, what the fuck is happening right now?

(11:04):
She's like, I listened to your episode for the one
episode for the first time ever. I was like, oh really, really,
which one was the Moms Heal the World? Oh? God,
of course, okay, And I was like, I don't think
that was too bad, but yeah, my mom has not
listened to my entire podcast in seven and a half years,
nor has she read my book. And then she told
me she to end to dive into the book this weekend.

(11:25):
She's like, what she been saying about me over yet?

Speaker 2 (11:27):
Now that I did you say anything? Did you say
anything on the episode about her.

Speaker 3 (11:30):
No, I don't. I mean I think I said some things,
but I don't think. I think I actually said she's
been doing a lot better, and yeah you did. Yeah,
So that's probably why she's like, let me read the
book now. But today she was like, she'd asked me
to take her to her colonoscopy and I said yes,
and then I was like, what time is it, Like
where is it at and she's like, yeah, well if
you take me, yeah, well you need to remember, and
I'm like, I, okay, yes, I wrote it down. It's

(11:50):
in my calendar. Okay. Yes. She's like, why are you
talking to me like that. I was like, because I
feel like I keep saying okay, yes, I'm doing it,
and there's still She's like, I just feel like I
was just like I just had to let it go.
And I was just like, uh huh, yeah, I took
Lenda to school today.

Speaker 2 (12:08):
Moms, mom's moms and moms moms. We just want our point,
We need to get our point out. We need to
make sure that you know all the details. Twelve times
we're all because we're still in mom mode. And also
maybe she's nervous too, so she's just like saying stuff
to say stuff and wants you to be in the
know of everything that's going on because this is a
medical procedure.

Speaker 3 (12:28):
Then she's like, I could just drive myself home. I'm like,
I think the point is that I drive you home.
She's like, you just have to show up and tell
them that you're taking me home. I've done it before.
I was like, over, the point is that, That's what
I said? Why would I go all the way there
to do that? I said, you wait.

Speaker 2 (12:42):
Thirty minutes, go get a couple of coffee and come
bring your drug ass home.

Speaker 3 (12:45):
That's what I said. I said, just uber and I'll
be there to pick you up. Well, yeah, I don't know.
I know anyway, moms never get less stressful or frustra.

Speaker 2 (12:55):
It's because she wanted you to take her and the
fact that she had to uber there was a disruption
and the flow of how she envisioned it going. Because
that's also a mom thing too, like if it's not
going exactly how they envisioned it going.

Speaker 3 (13:06):
Apparently she envisioned it me just showing up and saying
hi and leaving and getting back in my own car
and letting her drive off, fucking off amnesia or whatever
the fuck. I don't fucking know what she envisioned.

Speaker 2 (13:17):
Not amnesia, amnesia, all theses fetitious. Yeah, you know, like
much like we said on last week's episode, you know,
mothers us our mothers.

Speaker 3 (13:31):
We're just girls. We're just the girls, you know. And
sometimes you don't get the girl that you would necessarily
like hang out with. Yeah you in fact, sometimes you
get the girl you wouldn't hang out. So then you
have to really figure it out. I'm really trying to, like, Okay,
let's figure this out, to figure out this communications.

Speaker 2 (13:48):
So you're in this lifelong relationship with someone, so there's
gonna be a lot of phases in which, like you
guys are not on the same page in your personalities.
And then like later on and lift, I just like
see how like my relationship with my mom has evolved
over the years, and how like we had so much
turmoil at one point in my life, and then like
how motherhood birthed us into another version of our relationship

(14:11):
and our personalities and her life, her life changing as
she's aging, you know what I mean, And like now
we're in a different season of our relationship where like
I do appreciate my mom more than I did before.
I also see like the girl in her, you know.
So it's like it's just never ending. The longest relationship ever.

(14:32):
It's a fucking longest relationship ever. It's longer than the
one you'll have with your kid. Maybe maybe around the
same time actually, but like because she's no, maybe it's
longer than you'll have with your kid, right, yeah, she's right,
because I don't know, I'm just thinking, like how long
how I don't know, it turns on when you have
your kid, if you're a teen mom or something, but
it's it's the longest relationship and it's your first relationship,

(14:53):
and so it's like, I don't know, I think the
we the hope is that you're like always in in
this symbiotic relationship with your mother. But that's just not
the fucking truth. And that's just not the that's not
the reality of relationships in general, whether that's with your
partner that you're in love with, whether that's your child,
whether that's your mother, it's just not you.

Speaker 3 (15:15):
Know, relationships might just very well just like be the
obstacle that like relationships are the obstacle that will eventually
catapult you constantly to the next level because you're never
gonna be triggered unless you are in relation with other humans,

(15:36):
because you can't really be triggered by yourself. I mean
you can, but you're gonna likely oh so much you can, yeah, so,
And like even if you're a loner, if you isolate,
you're gonna be triggered by the bitch at the restaurant
or the motherfucker at the gas station, because God's gonna
be like, oh, bitch, you think you got it away
from this. No, all close relationships, especially I'm realizing now,
like in a relationship where I live with my partner,

(15:59):
I'm like, oh, this is the like this is the
outside of my parents and like roommates that I've had.
This is the only motherfucker that I have to live
this closely with. And it's like it's it brings up
a lot of shit because we haven't I haven't been
lived in the house with someone in so long since childhood,
and now I'm here as an adult and I'm like,

(16:20):
you're getting out of my nerves and I there's nowhere
to go. I have to deal with it. So I
realized that, like, yeah, relationships are literally like God's hoops
that you have to jump through in life so that
you can get to the next dimension hopefully.

Speaker 2 (16:34):
Maybe Yeah, they're mirrors for sure. I like I've been
thinking about like how long I've lived alone by myself,
which has been over seven years. And you know, me
and shakem have you know, talked about moving in together
on and off like throughout our relationship.

Speaker 3 (16:56):
Early on, very.

Speaker 2 (16:56):
Early, like I had this like extreme want for him
to move We're on mushrooms and I was like, you
need to move in. I know, I I know, I
know you're not talking.

Speaker 3 (17:07):
I know it. And he was like, you know, of course.

Speaker 2 (17:10):
He's a reasonable smart person in relationship. But but lately
I've been like just thinking about like what that dynamic
it like would feel like for me to not be
able to like escape and and like but like knowing
that at some point like that's the goal, that's the goal,

(17:30):
you know, but like also feeling my like fear and
like sometimes it's not present at all, and I'm like, yeah,
let's do it, fuck it, and other times I'm like,
oh my god, like what And so I was I
was thinking about you, and I was just thinking about
like all of us, all of our friends that have
been in relationships where like they're living with their partners
or like people are in seasons of separation and divorces,

(17:51):
and like I'm feeling what that feels like too, like
the emptiness of what that feels and like like the
scariness of what that feels like. And then you graduate
into like the empowerment in that place and just just
how that is such an important decision, both sides of it,
and like how living with someone is like I don't know,

(18:11):
it's like an initiation, right.

Speaker 3 (18:14):
Yeah, it's an initiation. And also like there's a mourning.
Like Orlando just recently went back to like the workforce,
like the real workforce, and I've been like, you know,
home alone more and like I'm like, oh yeah, like
this is what it feels like to be alone and like, oh, like, oh,

(18:35):
like getting back into that groove and there's a morning
of that. Like there was a time where when Luna
would leave, I'd just be alone, you know what I mean.
And then there was a time where and prior to that,
I was with her dad and that was fucking miserable,
and you know, like just and then it was just
me and Luna, and like there's always going to be
like a mourning of what used to be, because even
if it right now, Like I know a lot of
times people feel alone and they're like, I really want

(18:57):
a partner to like to support, and that's great too,
but then there's times when you're in it and you're like,
I just want to be around my own motherfucking energy,
and so there's fear around it. But yeah, like luckily
for me, Orlando just kind of squeezed his way into
my house, into my state, my city, and my house

(19:19):
without like I approved, but not really, but that's kind
of what I needed because I probably wasn't gonna be like, yes,
it's like move in together. He just left a bag
and then said I'm next time I come, I'm bringing
the rest of my stuff, and I said, okay. But
I don't think that we really sit in these decisions
that we make, especially as women, because women are just

(19:41):
like hand fed this tale that you're supposed to get
married and have babies and move in together and everything's
going to be happy and beautiful, and like, I think
men are actually more like aware because they are not
given that same like protocol and called like normalcy. They
can be players and have a bachelor pad forever. Whereas women,
it's like even when we're all we're like, I want
a partner and I want a husband, you know, like,

(20:04):
and I feel that it's been a process and I
love it. I love I love being in partnership, and
I love like Orlando, and we have a really fun
household because we have fun together and we joke and
we play and you know, but sometimes it gets real.
It's like you already have a responsibility of caring for
your child, and then another human comes in and then

(20:26):
like even right now, like I as he's gone back
to the work force, I feel like an immense amount
of pressure to perform for what like dinner cleaning?

Speaker 2 (20:37):
Why you have you're you're in the workforce too.

Speaker 3 (20:39):
I don't know.

Speaker 6 (20:42):
The patriarchy, it's who's patriarching you though You're like you're
you're you're feeling like you're falling back into like having
this Is it because you want to do it or
maybe it's something that you actually like and want.

Speaker 2 (20:56):
To do because you did have big dreams of being
a housewife at one point in your life, so that
that feeling obviously exists within you.

Speaker 3 (21:04):
Yeah, I think I just want to win you want
to win what I don't know the best, like I
could be the best wife, yeah, yeah, yeah, but then
I want that's where that feeling came from. Back now,
I don't yeah, I think so. And like even now,
no one said any of these things to me. In fact,
Orlando was like fucking with me, joking the other day
about like you don't know how to be a wife,
and I got super offended and I was like that

(21:24):
was very rude. And then I stayed up late and
prepare lunch for the next day for five am. And
then you know, there's just like these like I don't know,
my mind switches like, oh well, he's bringing home bacon now,
so I gotta cook it and I gotta clean and
I got to like and even as a child, I
think it also stems from like I would sit around
all day until I knew my parents were coming home,

(21:45):
and then in the last like twenty minutes of their return,
I would just clean up the whole house because that
was what I was. I was responsible for like a
lot of responsibilities as a young woman. And like I
see that come up in me now, like if someone
leaves and comes back, I think I'm so to clean
the whole house. But I just I feel like I
don't know, I can kind of see where men get

(22:08):
it from. Like before, when I was feeling like more
of the how do you say, the head of household
that I had more leverage.

Speaker 2 (22:18):
To kind of like to be like I don't want
to clean it.

Speaker 3 (22:21):
Yeah whatever, I'm like, I don't want to need to cook.
And now I'm like.

Speaker 2 (22:25):
Well, now you're called to be an equals in ways.

Speaker 3 (22:30):
She doesn't like that. I was like, god, do I
kind of like being the boss of everything and everybody?
I do a little bit, but shut up, Orlando. Now
I have to, yeah, find a balance in like all
the things like not trying to overdo so much but
also trying for somebody else.

Speaker 2 (22:52):
Well, I mean, this is what relationships are about. It's
about like he's this new dynamic is asking for you
to expand in some way because you can't run from
it because this person lives with you now and you
guys are engaged in building a life together and b like,
this is how he's shown up for you, like over
these last you know what, however, long then you know
this dynamic, this other id dynamic existed and he did

(23:14):
he has I've seen it, and now that you know,
there's like this new element coming in where he's you know,
in the workforce, Like, yeah, there's like a balance and
that's what you don't like. Okay, I got it. You
should see you most and that's she's like, and shut
the fuck up.

Speaker 3 (23:34):
And I also feel like the patriarchy coming out of
his purse ever since you got a job. I just
think it just like something switches in men. And then
he's like, he got my shoes, bitch. He didn't say that,
but in my mind, that's what he's saying. And then
I'm like, I gotta go to the gym. I gotta
get my butt right. And then I'm like, I gotta
cook dinner too, and I gotta clean it up and

(23:55):
I gotta forget the child. What the fuck? And then
I'm like, oh my god, is this like single motherhead again?
It is? Damn Yeah, it's kind of intense, but as
you can see, I'm working through it with ease.

Speaker 2 (24:08):
What were you like as a like what we like
in other dynamics when you lived with men where you
wasn't because you were younger, so it was different. Do
you guys like, did you guys have like that my
baby daddy because I'm thinking about myself, and I was like,
did I like step into like that housewife mode ever
even in my last long ass relationship, And I'm.

Speaker 3 (24:30):
Gonna say no, My my my baby daddy didn't really
step into like the provider role at all. So I
didn't really feel the pressure. I didn't feel supported that much.
Like in some ways, yes, but I really viewed him
and and I realize this now because God, bless his heart.
You know, we knew each other for so long, and

(24:51):
like as high school sweethearts, I feel like I got
like maybe the worst of him. I ate because we
were young, but b because I knew him so well,
Like I was thinking that, like is he ever going
to find someone? Like is he gonna move on and
like have someone? And I was like maybe, because that
person will never know him as much as I know him.
And will I mean never, I don't know, but like

(25:12):
or knew him or like or knew him, like he
was so comfortable with me that he would literally show
his ass like there was no you know, like when
you get to know someone, you're like presenting the best
parts of yourself. And I kind of feel bad like
he he felt like he could wile out in the
most extreme ways because we were so close. We were
literally there was times I felt like we were like
siblings close, like I knew him. I've known him for

(25:34):
like twenty five years at this point, So there is that.
But I didn't feel like he showed up in that way.
So there wasn't like a huge need for me to
show up that way. And I still did. But I
feel like in this relationship, like you said, Orlando has
supported me and us and our Luna and like a major,
major ways. That's very clear and obvious. And so now

(25:54):
they're like the pressure's on. It's like, oh bitch, now
it's your turn. Can you do it? And I'm like, ooh, well,
what what parts of it do you actually enjoy?

Speaker 2 (26:04):
Like maybe just you don't have to be good at everything,
Like maybe like what part of being in sort of
any sort of service or balance in that dynamic to Orlando,
do you enjoy Like do you like cooking? Second dick, Okay,
there's that. I do, like you were doing that anyway though.

Speaker 3 (26:24):
Yeah, I like cooking. I do like cooking. I don't
like cleaning that much. And I feel like I'm like, obviously,
because if you live in a house with anyone else,
you're always cleaning. But soon I'm making a cleaner.

Speaker 2 (26:35):
I was gonna say, yeah, so you just need to
get a house keeper. You're gonna call the housekeeper in.
But maybe and then maybe you can cook, and then
you would enjoy that because you do like cooking.

Speaker 3 (26:46):
I do. Yeah, yeah, bitch, So.

Speaker 2 (26:52):
I think that I think you're putting on I'm not
think like enjoying this a little bit more than you.
Maybe maybe just don't put so much pressure on yourself
to fucking have to do everything that a wife does,
Like what is a wife? What is a wife's responsibility
in your patriarchal programming and.

Speaker 3 (27:07):
My patriochal programming, is that like everything like like everything
else to support the family, which is like cooking, which
is cleaning, which is I realize that, like I'm not
good at planning ahead. So if one thing, if I like,
do one thing lazy, then everything else is messed up.
If I like, if I you know, like if I
don't clean the house and it's hard for me to cook,
and then it's like everything's a disaster. Then it's late

(27:29):
and then I didn't wake up early enough to make
the lunch, and then everything's fucked up. Snowball it's just snowballing. Ef,
It's all bad. It's late here, fucking don't do anything.
Order pizza. I mean kind of sometimes. I mean, just
like we were.

Speaker 2 (27:43):
Talking about again in last week's episode, around like surrendering
to the mess of like motherhood too, and like sometimes
you're not gonna like fucking hit all the mom marks,
Like sometimes you gotta like do the shortcut wife mark too.

Speaker 3 (27:54):
Keep in mind, I'm only on day fifteen.

Speaker 2 (27:56):
Okay, guess it's a new muscle you're flexing. Yeah, you
know it's a little flat that, Yeah.

Speaker 3 (28:04):
You know.

Speaker 2 (28:04):
I never like when I think about wife wifing, cleaning
is not in the I mean I clean anyway, but
like it being a part of my duty as your
wife is not party.

Speaker 3 (28:18):
You have a cleaner, you don't even think about it,
Like you just come home and it's cleaning and thinking
about your mind is clear.

Speaker 2 (28:24):
My house gets dirty in one day, maybe every house,
even though you have a cleaner like your My house
is dirty within twenty four hours. Again. But I like,
I will say, like the cooking aspect, because there's parts
of like I never cooked really for Freddy at all,
and like cleaned except that fried chicken, except for that

(28:44):
fight chicken. And there was a reason. But maybe that's
why I didn't work out. I like tod know, wife duties,
like none of them.

Speaker 3 (28:52):
Was he expecting that from me? No, I don't think so.
And the crazy part is my mom was not that
type of wife at all. I don't know where I
collected these ideas from, Like my dad was. I'm marrying
someone who in some ways really does a mirror my dad,
Like my dad was the primary cook in my household.
My dad really was like like my mama took us

(29:14):
to like appointments and make sure we got our fucking
teeth to the dentist and she like that. But my
dad really was like hands on. So I don't know
where I'd adopted these Well, that's probably Latina house Latina
culture of my housewife, because I literally I think it's
because I didn't see it in my household.

Speaker 2 (29:32):
I was to say, because you didn't see it's probably
why you have resistance for it.

Speaker 3 (29:35):
And also I kind of like like admired that, like
I wanted to be pretty but like big cakes and
stuff like that. But yeah, but I honestly I aspired
to be a rich housewife, kind of like that lady
that I we know on the line that I sent
you the other day that I said, it's kind of
getting on my nerves, probably because I'm kind of jealous.

Speaker 2 (29:56):
I'm not jealous.

Speaker 3 (29:57):
She's like, look at what my cook made me, look
at my chef, And I'm like, that's how I could
be a housewife if I have a chef, a maid,
and the chauffeur.

Speaker 2 (30:07):
I mean that sounds like my kind of housewife. And honestly,
like I don't. I think I haven't. I haven't somewhat patriarchal.
I don't even gonna call it that, just traditional traditional
trad wife things that come up in my relationships, Like
I do enjoy cooking, But do I want to cook
every night?

Speaker 3 (30:27):
No?

Speaker 2 (30:27):
Like and cooking is like a new thing that I
enjoy in my relationship. Do I enjoy cleaning? I like
to have a clean house. I will clean if I'm
annoyed and I'm like, fuck it, we just need to
clean the shit up. But like, do I have that
part of my duties? No, that's like a shared responsibility, Like.

Speaker 3 (30:42):
Do I washing clothes?

Speaker 2 (30:45):
I fucking hate washing clothes. I fucking hate folding clothes,
putting them away. I will put them in the machine,
but the.

Speaker 3 (30:53):
Last those last two steps, you can.

Speaker 2 (30:55):
Count me out. Like I don't need that. So I
think that like for me to be really true, really
happy and as a wife in the relationship dynamic like
a there needs to be a fifty to fifty element.

Speaker 3 (31:05):
The way I got it.

Speaker 2 (31:06):
Fucked up though, was the fifty to fifty like paying element,
because I did that in relationships where like I went
fifty to fifty with my baby daddy on a lot
of shit, and I should have never done.

Speaker 3 (31:15):
I should have never did that, Like I don't know
why the fuck I did that. This bitch is stupid. Yeah,
he's like, okay, all right, you might pay half the right.

Speaker 2 (31:22):
I mean, I think it's like I think it's like
my own like hyperindependence trauma around like money and people
thinking like feeling like I owe anybody anything.

Speaker 3 (31:30):
Also like just liking my it's not even hyper deefents.

Speaker 2 (31:33):
I just like feeling like independent and I've done I'm
doing something for me, you know. But sometimes at my
own detriment, like where I'm like fucking at my lost
last dollar. Don't don't know how I'm gonna like it,
and I'm not gonna say anything like that's stupid as hell,
But the fifty fifty dynamic doesn't doesn't I need that

(31:53):
dynamic aside from that in my household. But for the
most part, like, yeah, I want I want service in
the home. I think that that's going to help. I
think that if I think that will help my relationship.
And I know, I know that's like yes, that's like okay, bitch, well,
but yeah, like in my ideal world, if we're talking
ideally and the life that I'm calling in that I'm

(32:15):
working really hard for, that is what's going to happen.
It's what's going to need to happen.

Speaker 3 (32:19):
Because I want to go to lunch with my friends.

Speaker 2 (32:21):
Yeah, I don't want to stay home.

Speaker 3 (32:22):
I want to go to my gym and then come
home and like dinner's already prepared and I just like
put in the oven. I think that, you know what
I realized in this like as I'm preparing to uh
literally walk down the aisle and like expand my family
and like I'm getting older even though I've been an
adult for a very long time, I realized that like

(32:42):
the vowels or like the role of a wife isn't
something I've had to really deeply like sit with and
understand and like vow like vow to because it's been
a concept for so long that yes, I want to
be married, But I think that these niggas have so

(33:04):
generally on a mass level, comes so below the bar
that I haven't really it's only been a concept. It's
never been something I've actually had to put into play
because most of the men that I've dated have not
shown up in a way that I've had to like
really be like, Wow, I feel so supportive, such a
great man. What do I need to do next? So

(33:27):
now that I'm in that space, I'm like, oh, ship,
your turn. I got to read a book or something.
What pages this on? Fuss? I want to chat because
they know everything. Chat. I think Chatchibut is a she,
a he, or a they. It's anyone you want, you
can you can assign it. You can assign its gender. Yeah,

(33:50):
did your talk to you? I don't.

Speaker 2 (33:52):
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (33:53):
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (33:53):
I don't do that. I don't even know how to
do that. How do I make him talk to me?

Speaker 3 (33:57):
But I don't know, I don't, I don't like I
robot in my foot in house?

Speaker 2 (34:01):
How do you become a wife?

Speaker 3 (34:03):
How do you know? Not become? How do you be away?
How do you be? How? What are wife duties?

Speaker 7 (34:08):
Be a wife?

Speaker 2 (34:10):
Tragbt Thanks a big and meaningful question, and a good
one to ask. If you're thinking about marriage, are newly
wet or just trying to grow in your role?

Speaker 3 (34:20):
That's me you start with.

Speaker 2 (34:22):
You know yourself, your values, goals, boundaries, and identity matter
just as much in marriage as it does before. So
kind of like when you're become a parent. Don't lose
your identity. Stay grounded, Okay, don't lose your sense of
self in your role.

Speaker 3 (34:37):
Tell us myself say it again, tullless myself, don't us myself,
tell us myself.

Speaker 2 (34:42):
A healthy marriage includes two whole people, not one person
disappearing into another. Yeah that fifty to fifty or one one,
not fifty to fifty's together one plus plus two three
because third, h I got it. Listen, look at me, nye,

(35:04):
keep looking at me.

Speaker 3 (35:05):
You got it? Got it? One three plus one equals
two plus one is three.

Speaker 2 (35:09):
Don't forget that, Okay, communicate honestly speak your needs clearly
and listen to your partners' needs. Listen, listen, practice empathy.

Speaker 3 (35:21):
I care, but what you're saying you don't always have
to agree.

Speaker 2 (35:26):
But it helps to meet in the middle.

Speaker 3 (35:29):
I genuinely care.

Speaker 2 (35:31):
You have to be in the middle all the time.

Speaker 3 (35:33):
I don't care.

Speaker 2 (35:34):
That's where the fun. The fun is where you don't
meet in the middle. Don't bottle things up. Resentment grows
in silence.

Speaker 3 (35:42):
That's true. That's the hardest one. Though.

Speaker 2 (35:46):
Build and rebuild intimacy. This includes emotional closeness, physical affection, vulnerability,
and fun. Stay curious about your partner. Don't assume you
know everything about them just because you're married. This is
this is very ethical.

Speaker 3 (36:01):
Okay, chatchy, she's been reading the internet. Live live.

Speaker 2 (36:04):
The commitment marriage is as a choice you make daily,
not just a status. It's not just a concept, bitch.
It's a real thing.

Speaker 3 (36:14):
Okay, not just the ring and the dress.

Speaker 2 (36:16):
Got it? Keep growing? Know what a light? Know what
a wife isn't?

Speaker 3 (36:22):
What is a wife isn't?

Speaker 2 (36:24):
A wife is not a servant.

Speaker 3 (36:26):
Oh see write that down, Orlando.

Speaker 2 (36:28):
She is not a doormat or an emotional dumping ground
or a robot.

Speaker 3 (36:33):
Ai, you are.

Speaker 2 (36:36):
Not responsible for managing everything. You can't manage everything, all
the all the things, all of this. You can't even
manage all of his emotions. I can't even manage my
own his responsibilities or his mistakes, you can't manage them.
He has to deal with that shit himself. Sometimes I
get a therapist if something feels deeply wrong. Trust your
instincts and seek help.

Speaker 3 (36:58):
Therapist. I'm calling eve this.

Speaker 2 (37:00):
A final thought that chatchybt Haspepe. Being a wife is
ultimately about being a partner. It's about mutual respect, care,
growth and teamwork, not outdated stereotypes or losing yourself. I'll
do it, stereott it okay. If you want to talk
about this in terms of your culture, religion, or personal situation,
I can tailor the advice to fit that too. Put
for blacks, would you like a version of this in

(37:21):
checklist or journal prompt form? And that's where we're done,
chatty Chi, that's where the sense to your journal.

Speaker 3 (37:28):
Orlando has been at work for six zero point seven
hours and I don't know what to do. Should I
start with the dishes or the laundry? Today I did
clean the kitchen, and I did the dishes and I
put it on stories.

Speaker 2 (37:42):
So I saw it looks great.

Speaker 3 (37:44):
I'm trying to be accountable online. If if I do
it online, then I'll do it. It's true, it's kind
of fucked up. It's the why I take my vitamins
every morning.

Speaker 2 (37:51):
It's the line.

Speaker 3 (37:52):
It's the only way the Internet's working for.

Speaker 2 (37:54):
Me, the only way if I don't take my vitamins
on Instagram stories, did I take that?

Speaker 3 (37:58):
I do it? Am I even a wife? Did you
see my ring? Did you see me get proposed to?
Like now I'm cleaning death? Yeah? No, wife?

Speaker 2 (38:07):
The wife role is crazy. I was telling Mila before
we started recording that I've been taking care of my
boyfriend because he was sick over the last two weeks
and just thinking about like through the vows of marriage,
through sickness and health and how like I was like,
can I do this? Am I? Like one day he's
going to get old, Like like like my dog Shaka

(38:31):
that I was annoyed the fuck with when she got old.

Speaker 3 (38:34):
That was a dog, babe, I know, but I loved
her at one point.

Speaker 2 (38:39):
Agent I'm just saying, like I had to really ask myself,
can I care for someone's health long term, like if
you are if you sign up to a healthy person
right and you don't even consider the fact that they
might potentially fall ill, get sick. And I'm thinking of

(39:00):
like all the people whose partners like have cancer, like
all these different things that you just you didn't sign
up for. Well, you did sign up for when you said,
I guess when you've said that vow, but you didn't
know you signed up for until you were there, and
you're like, oh, I gotta wipe this nigga's ass. I
did not what my man's ass for the record, but I'm.

Speaker 3 (39:15):
Saying, would you look, yeah, I would.

Speaker 2 (39:23):
I'm glad we're not there yet. But like, I would
do a lot of things for the people that I love.
I know that about myself. And that's what this situation
also showed me is that iye, I would do a
lot for the people that I love. But it does
require and pull something out of you that sometimes you
have to go looking for. You have to go search
for it. It's not just there by nature, like you know,

(39:44):
as women, we're always talking about like we're nurturers by nature,
and it's like nurture is by nature to who.

Speaker 3 (39:52):
But everyone liked our kids because it came out of
our body and like that reaction.

Speaker 2 (39:57):
Nurture to our partners, but like to what ex stent
to how far? Like I think that there's everyone has
their their limits and their spectrums in that and it's
not just like one hundred percent all the time. And
that was surprising for me because I was like, of
course I would just step into this role. Of course,
it's easy, of course. And then I was like ooh, okay,

(40:19):
and you know, I'm like it was just it was
just interesting because I was really thinking about like, yeah,
like the vows that you take when you marry someone
and you say those things through sickness and health, and
how often those things happen and it destroys relationships because
you weren't really prepared for what that looked like and

(40:40):
or or you're in it right now and you're like
rising to the occasion and actually like damn, I didn't
even know I had this in me.

Speaker 3 (40:45):
Fuck the preparation. Yeah, the preparation. And a lot of us,
I mean most of us are there's like no just
like there's no mommy handbook outside of a good mom's
gude to making bad choices. But there's no guide necessarily
to how to be, you know, a supportive nurturing wife,
and there are I'm.

Speaker 2 (41:03):
Sure the Trachy has a guy.

Speaker 3 (41:04):
I've chattypt has everything, but like to embody it and
to like just show up that way is not like
and I unpopular opinion, like all women are not nurturing
and most of us are not. Because if you didn't
see your mom be nurturing, then how the fuck are
you supposed to like actualize something that you've never witnessed
or experienced. Even that time, if you look in our

(41:26):
our archives that time that I was dating a gentleman
named adventure Bae, I mean went to Palm Springs and
this motherfucker out passed out, fainted, and my first instinct was, oh,
hell n hell to the no. I don't even know
you'd like that. I was like, I was pretending to

(41:47):
be nurturing, but in my head, I was like counting
your day, days are numbered, niggas. I was like, he's
too old, he faints in the heat. I was like very,
I was showing up real nurturing. I was petting him,
I was looking into his eyes, but inside I was panicking,
like this nigga has got to go, and that was
the first time I was like, oh no, I don't
like you enough for this. There is a level of
love that you get to that then you, I think,

(42:08):
can can catapult you to a nurturing space where you're like, oh,
I love you a lot because I can show up
this way. But in that moment especially, I guess at
that time it was five years ago. Fuck wow, uh,
Luna was like five, and I was like, I already
have a human outside of me that I have to
care for and nurture and that's like not a liability.

Speaker 2 (42:27):
That can be a mother's excuse for a whole lifetime.
Though I don't know is at any point you are
like I don't You're always I'll always feel that way
about my daughter, you know what I mean, Like even
if she goes off into the world and obviously the
relationship changes. But I'm like, I.

Speaker 3 (42:41):
Can't handle if anything happens to you five or fifteen
shit like, but that's the thing, like you, I couldn't.
I couldn't handle it if anything severe happened to my child,
I would like show up it all all the way.
But like you have, and that's someone who has come
out of my body, Like physically, I saw you come
out of my kuchi. So this other nigga that came
out of somebody who else is kuchi? I don't know.

(43:03):
I don't know if it's like.

Speaker 2 (43:04):
Not my kuchie, not my problem problem.

Speaker 3 (43:07):
You came out of it. But you know what I'm saying,
come out of it. You know you might go in
there sometimes, you know, So it is like you really
have to really examine. And I will admit, like I'm
in a space where I'm opened that I don't necessarily
come with these tools and tricks and I have to
like kind of be in a place where I am

(43:31):
empathetic and supportive and showing up for my family in
a way that like I haven't really Like I feel
like it's just getting real right now, Like shit's getting real.
Like I got the ring, got bitch, he got a job.
Now what you're gonna do? You gotta really show up.
But I'm not gonna put so much pressure on myself.
But I do feel like even in like the Kenya

(43:51):
ste Caven's Kenya k Stevens class that we took on,
like the marital pre marital stuff was helpful, but I'm
like I need to read books or like at least
make a make a make pillars for myself so that
I can like actively be working on showing up in
this role better. Just like if I was going to

(44:12):
show up at Good Moms and we did a retreat,
now I got to show up in that way. And
we do merch, so now I got to show up
in that way. Like just like any other job or partnership,
or like in school, if I want to learn something,
I'm gonna go to class and figure it out. Like
I recognize that that's the only way you get better
if you like ask other wives or you read a
book or the Divine just downloads wife things to.

Speaker 2 (44:33):
You or you and just do it and like get on,
get be okay with the discomfort of it. I think,
like even thinking about like you're taking that marital course
with Kenya, and just all the and just the tools
in general that like we've acquired over the course of
our careers in life, Like sometimes it's still hard to

(44:54):
put those things in practice when you're in an argument,
when you're like when you're when you're default at coming
up and you're like, I don't give a fuck, get
the fuck out of my face. I don't want to
do animal anime whatever the fuck. But you're like, but
you know, it requires one person to at least be
able to bring you back to that space, because both
of you are not always gonna meet there and be

(45:15):
ready to do the work together at the same time.
And like it does require like the someone to be
in it.

Speaker 3 (45:21):
Well the other person isn't. You can't learn the tools,
but like actually utilizing them in a high fucking emotional
place is a whole different thing. I can know to meditate,
I know the fucking water element, bitch. But am I
gonna get angry and go I'll be back. I'm gonna
go meditate and then we'll come back and talk about this. Yeah,
probably the fuck not yeah, because the Philly in me

(45:42):
is too clear and too like rembunct Like you have
to constantly be sharpening that tool. And like even in
our relationship, even as a mom, I'm like, I can
know what to do put your fucking phone down, bitch,
and sometimes you just don't do it. And it's like
and you can like attack yourself and be disappointed and
be yourself, but also gently starting over and doing it

(46:03):
again and giving yourself the opportunity to do it again
and again to like to eventually be better. You're going
to fail before you actually actualize it. But maybe this, like,
especially in a world where everybody's in open relationships, and
I feel like marriage is like not a priority as much.
We're not even like coming up in a socially in

(46:23):
a place where like long term partnership is prioritized or
talked about positively, So we really have to like try.

Speaker 2 (46:32):
Yeah, no, it's true, because, like I mean, I've I guess,
I guess I've had an example of long term partnership
with my mom and that I guess I have, but it.

Speaker 3 (46:44):
Still feels foreign to me.

Speaker 2 (46:46):
It still feels foreign to me, I think, because the
dynamic that my mom and my stepfather have is like beautiful,
and but it's not like necessarily like what I'm aspiring for,
do you know what I mean? And I don't mean
that in an offensive way. I just mean, like, I know,
like what my soul's path and love is supposed to
look like is not the What.

Speaker 3 (47:06):
Does it look like outside of the main and the
driver and the cook like mine, Like outside.

Speaker 2 (47:14):
Of that passion passion, it looks like passion. It looks
like deep, deep communication. It looks like spontaneity. It looks
like collaboration, it looks like working together, it looks like space,
it looks like.

Speaker 3 (47:33):
Individualism.

Speaker 2 (47:35):
It looks like like I invited. I am inviting in
the discomfort. Like even yesterday me and him sat and
like yab yum, and like I was not. I didn't
give a I didn't really want to. And that's what
I was thinking about, Like knowing you have these tools
and you do them and it didn't go how I want.
It didn't go how we hope it goes. But we

(47:56):
did it, do you know what I mean? And like
it's just like but I'm okay. I woke up this morning.
I'm like, I'm okay with that because I'm still in
the work with it. I'm still doing the work. It's
just like sometimes the work there's no progress when you
show up, Like sometimes you sit on a call. Sometimes
we'll sit on a call and be like did we
get anything done?

Speaker 3 (48:16):
I don't know, But what we showed up literally yesterday,
but we showed up. What do you think? I don't know,
I don't fucking know, But like what we showed up?
Do you know what I mean? So it eventually eventually
the answers will be answered.

Speaker 2 (48:27):
But I think that that's like also like what I'm
realizing relationships are like too. It's like sometimes there's no progress,
you know, but you're showing up, so.

Speaker 3 (48:36):
There is, there's always a process.

Speaker 2 (48:38):
It's like the consistency of showing up even when like
no decision has been made, no choices have been resolved,
like things haven't been resolved, but you're there, you know.
So I want to be in relationship with my partner,
and I am in relationship with my partner where we're
both committed to showing up at least at the very least,
we're going to show.

Speaker 3 (48:57):
It, like we agreed to be here, So let's do
our best, let's put our best fit forward, Let's grow
in the process and agree that it might not always
look like this, it might not always be easy, but
we're here to see out the process whatever that is. Yeah, yeah,
and I agree. Like the passion, I think that that's
always been really big for me, Like romanticism and passion,
and like I even as a like a rebel with thought,

(49:22):
a rebel hoe without a cause, I was very clear
that like I wanted a relationship that was like juicy
and fun and like intimate and like there's chemistry, and
like I think a lot of times we look at
movies and like people try to say, like I mean,
and obviously I've only been in a relationship five years
or four or five years, but I think that there's

(49:44):
space for it to be passionate and to be all
those things and to like still be attracted to your partner,
Like is it gonna be on ten forever? Maybe not,
but I do think, like the move the movie theater
version we see of love, like that high arows, like
I think that that is is obtainable, and I think
they tell you like, oh, sex is gonna die, Like

(50:05):
they give you all these things that to expect, and
I just like I refuse to accept that, and I
and I and like, thankfully in my relationship, I'm continuously
every day proving that wrong, because there's attraction, there's love,
there's there's sex, you know what I mean, There's spontaneity,
and I feel like people underestimate like the passion peace
in relationships and and like long term marriages. Even the

(50:29):
other day, I was doing like ask a sexologist on
my stories, and somebody asked, like, I feel like I
can't be as sexually open as I used to be,
And I was like, that's because a lot of times,
like the resentment gets so high, so there's like you
feel like the other person's constantly judging you, whereas before
you're like, oh, anything you want to do, baby, you know,
and then when things happen and things happen and things happen,
then you're building up judgments and ideas about the other

(50:51):
person that don't allow you to like just let them. Yeah,
but I like that is one of the things that's high, high,
high on my list, Like I want you to be
smacking my ass and us to be making out and
like doing fun shit and like having that desire for
one another forever or else we're roommates.

Speaker 2 (51:11):
I think that, yes, And I think that there's probably
people listening that have like maybe, like you said, like
experience that in their relationship early on or maybe for
a long time, and then there's a break in the
in the dynamic and it's like maybe it's just changed,
like maybe it's over. Maybe we can't get it back.
And that's where like the showing up part is, that's
where the work shows up, because their relationships do go

(51:34):
through seasons like I pray that you and Orlando never
go through a season like that. But if you do,
knowing that like there, you can always get back to
that place, you know, like, but there is a requirement
for you to at least show up.

Speaker 3 (51:47):
And both be willing.

Speaker 2 (51:49):
I don't even say open, because sometimes one person might
not really be open in that moment, but you're but
you're still there, you know, to be able to pull
the other, roll the other one out yeaeah. And that's
what I hear a lot about, like in marriages too,
It's like not everyone's always all the way in the
whole time. It's it's like the beauty the longest relationships

(52:11):
are like we just were on this. We were our
our our entity, our whatever we created was on the
different level at each at each moment, and.

Speaker 3 (52:22):
You weren't when I was at fun. Yeah yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (52:24):
And it's like and and that's and that's how you
know you're supposed to be with that person, you know, Like,
this is not you saying be miserable in your relationship.

Speaker 3 (52:34):
Hell, don't be miserable, but also do something about it. Yeah,
that's why I told the gentleman who was in my damns.
I was like, well, then do it. Then like, it's
not it's it's not rocket science. Don't over don't overthink it,
just do it. And I was like, go to the tribe.
You know, it's my favorite thing in the world. Go

(52:54):
to the drive in movie and finger Banger in the trunk.

Speaker 2 (52:57):
Just take ecstasy and you know, you know what Jamila's
cure for everything is you need Molly therapy.

Speaker 3 (53:04):
I didn't say for everything at first. I said the
drive in bait, which is very PG and then I
said sometimes I will never forget or like our you're
one of our podcasts.

Speaker 2 (53:13):
She's like, I'm going, oh, I'm going to New York
to go do Molly therapy with Young Bey because this
is how we're going to heal our relationship. And I
was like, is that right?

Speaker 3 (53:22):
Did I do it? I don't think it worked.

Speaker 2 (53:25):
Thank god it didn't work.

Speaker 3 (53:26):
Oh my good God. I think you did do it.
But God, thank God for getting out of relationships when
it's time to get out of them. Because Young Bay
was not it. Neither was it Venture Bay or any
of the other bays that were on the list of bays.
But I mean it's and you know what, and like
shut out to us for trying and for you know,

(53:47):
allowing ourselves to grow and to figure out exactly what
it was that we needed, because without all the taste tests,
you don't really know what kind of cake you want.

Speaker 7 (53:54):
That's true.

Speaker 3 (53:55):
Gotta taste the flavors, taste the flavors to be like, no,
we don't need the peanut and this cake now, No, no,
don't that frosting doesn't go in that cake. No, that
muslim frosting is not gonna work.

Speaker 2 (54:08):
No sprinkles please.

Speaker 3 (54:13):
Yeah. Wow, what a blessing to one day have the
like have the ability to like go push play on
eight years of our lives, bitch, eight years of our
dating life. Because I'm pretty sure we're talking way too
honestly about whatever the fuck we were doing. But yeah,
I'm really grateful for that, to like hear the growth
in real time. Not that I've ever I have gone

(54:36):
back really except for that one time we did, like
the first year or two.

Speaker 2 (54:40):
But yeah, and thank you guys for fucking listening. Sorry
in advance, if you were really frustrated with us for
a while, or you know, or you were like riding
like gabbitch, I feel you. Yeah, it's been a it's
continued to be a beautiful ride. And one day I

(55:02):
will go back and listen to all of our episodes,
hopefully before my child ever does.

Speaker 3 (55:08):
And if you're new here, and maybe you're in your
you know, late twenties, early twenties, early thirties, and you
know some of this other shit we're talking, doesn't it
resonate with you. Just go to the beginning. Just go back,
just go to.

Speaker 2 (55:19):
The We weren't always you know, engaged in things of
emotionally mature.

Speaker 3 (55:26):
We weren't. We weren't and like.

Speaker 2 (55:28):
Very immature, very think we were mature. I mean, I'm
just kidding. I mean there was some emotional immaturity for sure,
for sure, but at least we were self aware.

Speaker 3 (55:38):
We were self aware, you know, we were like, we're
being stupid and it's so fun, woo wow, good old days.
But yeah, if you are just joining us, so you
started in the middle, I really do highly recommend that
you go back to the beginning. There are a lot
of gems there. We went through a lot of shit.
We and you know, we didn't just show up here

(55:59):
at good good media looking this good way to go
through some hoops jump through some fire, date some frogs
before we got here. Okay, my tits were smaller in
the beginning, for only like six months. You got those
tits very early. Look at my old tits. You're gonna
really have to look.

Speaker 7 (56:17):
Is it terrort time?

Speaker 3 (56:18):
It's terot time.

Speaker 2 (56:27):
Before we do terror, let's just let's just take a moment,
just reset the energy. Do a few deep breaths. Wherever
you're at. You're driving, please don't crash your car. Keep
your eyes open, keep your eyes open, just you know,
try to take a few breaths.

Speaker 4 (56:44):
In through your nose, out your mouth, Relax your.

Speaker 3 (57:02):
Jaw, am exhale was sound, Do a little moan because
life is sweet and everything is good. Ah mm hmm.

Speaker 7 (57:32):
Okay, now it's territyed.

Speaker 3 (57:34):
Just a little reset.

Speaker 2 (57:35):
Do you want to pull my dear?

Speaker 3 (57:36):
Sure? Okay, she pulled the tower and I'm not gonna lie.
It looks kind of chaotic. There's people jumping out of
a tower that's on fire and maybe bleeding water at

(57:59):
the automn It's okay, I think, so, okay, it's okay.

Speaker 2 (58:04):
The Tower card usually signifies sudden change, upheaval, chaos, revelation,
awakening when the Tower card appears in a tear reading.
Expect the unexpected, massive change, upheaval, destruction, and chaos. It
may be divorced death or a love of a loved one,

(58:26):
financial failure, health problems, natural disaster, job loss, or an
event that shakes you to your court, affecting your spirituality, mentalit, mentally,
and physically. There's no escaping it. Change is here to
tear things up, create chaos, and destroy everything in its path.

Speaker 3 (58:41):
I know I shouldn't picked this card. You did. Yeah,
I was like, I shouldn't pick that one, and I
picked anyway? Do you want to pick another one? Yep? Okay,
okays for somebody else's driving.

Speaker 2 (58:51):
After Tower experience, you will grow stronger, wiser, and more
resilient as you developed a new perspective on life you
did not even know existed. These moments are necessary for
your spiritual growth and enlightenment, and truth and honesty will
bring about a positive change, even if the experience, even
if you experience pain and anxiety throughout the process. Thankfully,
the Tower doesn't always associate with pain and turmoil. If

(59:14):
you are a highly aware and in tune with your
inner guidance system, then this tarot card can indicate a
spiritual wakening or revelation. You may be able to see
the cracks forming and take action before the whole structure
comes tumbling down. You may create a massive transformation before
you reach the point where change is your only option. Okay,

(59:37):
with this other card you pulled, my dear, This one
looks a little eight of swords, which also is Look,
this is the one where she's able to or like
she feels like she's in a bind, but she's actually not.
She just has to turn around.

Speaker 3 (59:50):
What is this nine sorts? Yeah, she's blindfolded, she has
her hands behind her back, and yeah, I know this one.

Speaker 2 (01:00:00):
Actually negative thoughts, self imposed restriction, victim mentality. The aid
of swords reveals that you are trapped and restricted by
your circumstances. You believe your options are limited with no
clear path out. You might be in an unfulfilling job,
an abusive relationship, a significant amount of debt, or a

(01:00:21):
situation way out of alignment with your inner being. You
are now trapped between a rock and a hard place
with no resolution available. However, take note that the woman
in the card is not entirely imprisoned by the eight
swords around her. And if she wanted to escape, she could.
She merely needs to remove the blindfold and free herself
from the self imposed bindings that hold her back. The
aid of swords is often associated with a victim mentality.

(01:00:44):
You surrendered your power to an external entity, allowing yourself
to become trapped and limited in some way. At times,
the eight of Swords indicates that you are confused about
whether you should stay or go, particularly if you are
in a challenging situation. It is not as clear cut
as you would like it, making the decision very difficult.
You have one foot in hoping things can work out,
but your other foot is out the door, ready to

(01:01:05):
leave again. This card is asking you to get out
of your head and drop down into your gut and
your intuition so you can hear your inner guidance. Your
thoughts are not serving you right now. Your intuition is
trust yourself.

Speaker 3 (01:01:18):
Hmmm, interesting pair that we pulled here. Hope that resonates
with the collective. Do you have affirmation for us today?

Speaker 7 (01:01:33):
M You are naughty by nature.

Speaker 3 (01:01:53):
You're naughty by nature. You are naughty by nature. You
are naughty by nature.

Speaker 7 (01:01:56):
You may not be a nurture by nature.

Speaker 3 (01:01:58):
But you will, you are, you are not by nature.
We're inviting you to step into your naughtiness. It's today,
it's Friday, as we're recording, whatever day it is. When
you listen to this Wednesday, hump Day, Tuesday, titty day,
whatever day, step into your naughtiness.

Speaker 2 (01:02:13):
Be naughty by nature, bad me meaning like.

Speaker 3 (01:02:15):
Sexually not just don't be just naughty. Don't be a bitch,
nasty bitch like Tanash. I've been a nasty girl.

Speaker 2 (01:02:25):
God that I took over the internet first, I think
I've been a nasty girl. Somebody gonna match my you
know what, she wouldn't be coming up with.

Speaker 3 (01:02:32):
She got a lot of hits.

Speaker 2 (01:02:33):
She's like low key that person that one day we're
gonna go to one of her shows, and I'd be like, God,
it's like jay Loo. When I went to see fucking
j Loo. I was not even like a big j
Loo fan, but I went and saw her in Vegas
by chance you and I was like this writch has
so many goddamn hits.

Speaker 3 (01:02:47):
That came on yeshay in the car right after I
left parent teacher night and I gave you all my tress.
Would you come for me and call me banks. Oh,
but some of those notes that she hits song, But
that's why I love them, because I can hit everyone,
and I give you that one. Got this comedy is.

Speaker 2 (01:03:10):
She hits some really what is that line? It's like
really bad. She really tries to.

Speaker 3 (01:03:14):
Go for it. She shouldn't have.

Speaker 2 (01:03:15):
Yeah, you know what I'm talking. But that's like towards
the end of the song.

Speaker 3 (01:03:18):
No, there's a there's a whole Oh my god, she.

Speaker 2 (01:03:21):
Has a breakdown or breaks it down and dance moves.

Speaker 3 (01:03:24):
Oh there's that's also.

Speaker 2 (01:03:25):
It's a not the one that Christina million.

Speaker 3 (01:03:27):
Yeah, like Christina got paid in that DJ playing my son,
because turn it up and turn it on, play play.

Speaker 2 (01:03:35):
She didn't write if you had My love Christina.

Speaker 3 (01:03:38):
Yeah, probably I don't any of that ship.

Speaker 2 (01:03:40):
That's true. She probably got.

Speaker 3 (01:03:42):
Anyway, I was having deep nostalgia, so I was leaving
sad from the parent teacher night because Luna is going
to be eleven soon, she's going to be her last
year in elementary school. And then that same song came
on and I'm pretty sure it came out when I
was in sixth grade, and I was just like got
her to speak to me via j Low Oh my god,
me like a right back to elementary school.

Speaker 2 (01:04:01):
Wow?

Speaker 3 (01:04:03):
Anyway, God, some mom shites going fast. Be present, be present,
and be naughty by nature.

Speaker 7 (01:04:14):
Be naughty by nature.

Speaker 3 (01:04:15):
Thank you for joining us. If you haven't joined our
newsletter at good Momsbad Choices dot com, follow our personal
pages and our Instagram Good Mom's Bad Choices, Good Mom's Underscareboard,
Underscore Bad Choices.

Speaker 2 (01:04:30):
Yes, yes, that's it.

Speaker 3 (01:04:32):
The Good Vibe re treat to be about to release
our twenty twenty six retreats and we are going places. Okay,
we going places, places and spaces and you can follow
me at Mila underscore map with two p's.

Speaker 2 (01:04:45):
Are you going to change that?

Speaker 3 (01:04:46):
Soon?

Speaker 2 (01:04:46):
Is going to feel like underscore?

Speaker 3 (01:04:48):
Roy?

Speaker 2 (01:04:48):
What are you gonna do that?

Speaker 3 (01:04:50):
I'm gonna hyphenate.

Speaker 2 (01:04:52):
Mila Underscore Map Roy.

Speaker 3 (01:04:54):
I don't know if I'm changing my Instagram bitch, Oh,
you can keep it the same. I did never I
think so I didn't think about my Instagram. I think
about my the.

Speaker 2 (01:05:00):
Things you haven't thought about. Wife, got to think about
these things my on my Amazon packages, all these cons here?

Speaker 3 (01:05:08):
Are you like? What are we doing with Instagram?

Speaker 5 (01:05:10):
Well?

Speaker 3 (01:05:10):
I already had a deep conversation with my husband that
I'm a famous author, so I can't really do too
much with that. I can't change my full name. It's
my it's my stage name, it's my author name, Jamila
mapp But I could. I didn't put it.

Speaker 2 (01:05:23):
You could put Jamiala mapproy.

Speaker 3 (01:05:24):
I offered him the roy. I don't know if I
will take that on as an author in my like
future endeavor books.

Speaker 2 (01:05:30):
But the good thing he's only written one book, so
there's still there's still it's a best seller.

Speaker 3 (01:05:36):
So it's really it's it's it's basically it could be
basically ten. So the point of the matter is I'm
already semi famous with Mela map so I could just
having a hard time. That's the wife thing, aren't you.
I don't think this. I don't think this is This
is the part I'm having a hard time with. This
is where I'm really clear actually following Amazon, Mela Mapparo.

(01:06:00):
I've been putting roy on my last name on my
packages for a long time on Instagram. I don't know
that seems a little ser Okay, okay, okay, already have
barely have a couple.

Speaker 2 (01:06:12):
Anyway, follow her for now at Nila Underscore map.

Speaker 3 (01:06:16):
You can also followed follow Huccie mom.

Speaker 2 (01:06:18):
And dad, Hoochie mom and Daed. You can follow me
at Watch Erica and yeah, be well, take care of
yourself and we love you.

Speaker 3 (01:06:30):
Yeah, I'm living so good? Can't you tell?

Speaker 5 (01:06:33):
I went through a drought. That's until I found out. Well,
madem have been known art. I used to be broken tail,
now got the blues. Dancer might Beyonce Jisell throat shot
with pop and his cow wearing our voices. Patriarchy kept
it in the box to exploit its women put the
p and powers.

Speaker 3 (01:06:48):
So what's pointing that they want me to be good?
So I made bad choices.

Speaker 5 (01:06:52):
Bad mom not a bad mom, but a bad mom.
Gitter's in on, put cannabis.

Speaker 3 (01:06:56):
In her bath.

Speaker 5 (01:06:56):
Bomb walked in bosses cap and I blew his cat
boss dog. Now I'm immune to the cat called Herbie
in the waisted straight to it like a dollar.

Speaker 3 (01:07:04):
Sign, mother, rent the lover when too what?

Speaker 5 (01:07:06):
It's like a water sign where you're rent the winter
essential will when the summertime?

Speaker 3 (01:07:10):
I do what doll ain't no one that needs to
run it by