August 22, 2023 • 31 mins
This week in the #HERwithAmena living room we are talking about the friends WE NEED: the cussing friend, the curator friend, the foodie friend, and the fashion friend! Listen in for why these friends are so valuable and to find out which of these you might be to your friends! Please enjoy this episode from the HER Archives.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Hey, everybody, Welcome to this week's episode of Her with
Amina Brown. You know, you know what I haven't talked
enough about in these first few episodes of the year
is our her living room, and I just want to
bring you back to that visual. I don't know where
you are, where you may be listening. I get messages
from a few of you, so I know some of
(01:01):
you are working from home and you're listening from there.
Some of you may be commuting. You're listening in your car.
Some of you are on public transportation, headed to work
or headed to play wherever you're headed. Some of you
are listening late at night. So I don't know the vibes,
(01:21):
but just know when you're listening to this podcast. My
goal is still for you to feel that you are
gathered in our girlfriend's living room. Gathered in the living
room space that is where you bring your little bits
of snacks. It's where there's no judgment for the combination
(01:42):
of snacks that you bring together. So welcome back to
our worn couch situation in the living room. Because isn't
it isn't that the best couch where it's just it's
just worn enough. You know, that's the best couch just
like a pair of gens just worn an Okay, speaking
of being with girlfriends in the living room this episode,
(02:06):
we are talking about the friends that we need in
our lives. And I think I've discussed on here that
I spent the ladder in part of the year into
the beginning of the new year watching through Real Housewives
of New York and whenever I go through periods of
(02:27):
time where I'm experiencing high anxiety for some reason, there's
something about the Real Housewives franchise that is soothing to me.
And I don't know what that says about me. I'm
not going to get into trying to psychoanalyze that about myself,
but it's just true. So there was a scene where
(02:47):
one of the housewives was it was actually a reunion scene,
and they were talking about Bethany Frankel, and they were
talking about how she always orders really well for the table.
Whenever they would go to a restaurant, she would typically
research the restaurant in advance. She would call the restaurant
ahead and say, when we sit down, here's the food
(03:09):
we want to come out, while everyone is still figuring
out what they want to order. And I was like,
Oh my gosh, Like, what a wonderful friend to have, Like,
it's so good to have a friend like that, which
sent my mind going to who are the friends that
we really need in our lives? So in this episode,
(03:30):
let's talk about that the first friend that you need
is a cussing friend. And I need to start right here.
I need to start right here because I didn't realize
the importance of having a cuss and friend until maybe
several years ago, the last several years of my life.
And I happen to have a couple of friends in
(03:52):
my life that are just truly the best at cussing
and cussing in a moment where you don't have the
other words to like articulate your situation. And I also
want to submit to you all that I know that
I am the cussin friend for some of my friends.
(04:12):
I'm not going to do all that cussing on this podcast,
but there are a few of my friends that would
be like, it's her, She's the one that's doing the cussin.
So if you're listening to this and when I said
a cussin friend, you got uncomfortable, then the cussing friend
isn't you? You probably have some cussin friends. And if
you have some friends that listen to this podcast and
(04:34):
they also reach out to you when they get to
this part, then it's you. You are the friend that cusses.
I'll tell you a moment that I realized having a
cussing friend is really important. Oh my gosh, y'all. Who
I was just thinking about this moment and I want
to give a shout out to my friend Nish. Nish
why seth. She is just a fabulous person. I may
(04:56):
just need to like reach out to her and just
call her real quick and talk crazy to her for
five minutes, because this story is about her, a real
life story. I was out a women's conference. Nish and
I and several of our mutual friends were at this conference,
and I'm just going to keep it real with y'all.
You know, my husband and I were going through some
(05:19):
struggles trying to get pregnant, and I can't remember if
this happened before or after I had to go on stage.
I think it happened before that. Someone that I knew
came up to me at that event and announced to
me her pregnancy. And if you're listening to this and
(05:41):
you have ever experienced loss or miscarriage, experienced and fertility
in any way, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
That you can have this moment inside where when you
are struggling, you're trying to get pregnant and it's not
going well for you, and someone else announces their pregnancy
(06:01):
to you, you are exceedingly happy for them, and you
are also feeling such heartbreak for yourself. And that can
really be a hard thing to describe to someone if
they've never been through it, you know. And so Nish
is in the green room of this conference with me,
(06:23):
watching this moment happen, and she knew some of the
behind the scenes of my life. And after this friend
like told me her announcement, and then I did a
really great job not showing to her like how much
I was like breaking inside. And then she left and
(06:44):
I went to sit down next to Nish, and Nish
turned and looked at me, and she said the F
bomb so loud and so pointedly, and I just never
thought I would appreciate it hearing the F bomb in
that context, in that moment. But there wasn't anything else
(07:05):
to say, there was no advice to give, there was
nothing She could say to fix it or make it
feel any better, but just her saying the F bomb
to me in that moment just had me like yes,
just be like, thank you girl for feeling me in
this moment. You know, you need a friend like that
(07:27):
because sometimes, like you know, here I go being the
cussin friend, but sometimes hardshit is going to happen in
your life. And the truth is, sometimes there'll be such
hard things that can happen to you that even when
people who are praying people go to pray, they may
not even have the exact words to pray. And I
(07:49):
am a person who also thinks that cussin can be
prayer too, you know, because I think God understands, that
understands our humanity and how we feel when life just
hits us in these really really hard ways. When you
have a cusso and friend, it's really nice because sometimes
(08:09):
they can use their cuss words to articulate a thing
that you are struggling to put words to. Sometimes just
them saying a word that in some you know, circles
of people would be considered a really inappropriate word to
say feels really great in certain situations. So you should
have a cussin friend. Even if you don't cuss yourself,
(08:33):
you should have a cussin friend. If you do cuss yourself,
sometimes you need a cussin friend that's very like cuss articulate.
You know that just can really drop a nice phrase
that you need. So shout out to the cusso and
friend it's important. And shout out to my girl Niche
because that was that was a real moment between she
and I. Okay. The next type of friend that you
(08:55):
need is a curator friend. And this is a person
that knows a certain they know like certain things really well.
Like it could be a person who knows music very well.
It could be a person who knows good books. It
could be a person who knows film, knows television shows,
(09:16):
knows house decor or house organization, things you know, like,
it could be many things that that person can be
really interested in, but they go beyond being just an
enthusiast about those things. This is a person that not
only is excited or interested in that particular subject matter,
(09:40):
but if you went to them and said, hey, I'm
looking to dabble in this blah blah blah genre of stuff,
where do you think I should start? That person would
then be able to go through the things they know
and curate to you. Hm, I think you would like
this book because of these reasons, or they might even
(10:01):
know enough about the subject matter to say to you,
Tell me what you're looking for when you're looking for
this type of thing. I'll give you an example. My
friend Lee is a fantastic curator of I would say,
of books in general, but very specifically. I asked her
sometimes to give me romance recommendations because I know this
(10:24):
is a genre that she reads and during the pandemic.
I've talked to you in previous episodes about how I
picked up on reading more romance because I just needed
to read some books that were about the newness of
love and always have a happy ending. I just needed that,
like everything's going to turn out good for these characters,
you know. So when I went to her and said, hey,
(10:46):
I'm thinking about reading more romance, who should I read?
And she had this like immediate list of questions, like
asking me different things. Was I looking for authors of color?
Was I looking for black women authors like she had all?
Was I looking for a certain level of heat in
the book itself? Right? So I answered those questions and
(11:06):
then she like, is a wonderful friend. She sent me
an email with like, here are the things I would
suggest for you based upon what you described to me.
Are your interests? Right? So it was sort of like
she used these answers to her questions that I gave her.
She used her knowledge of me, and she used her
knowledge of the things that she knows well. Right. It
(11:30):
is wonderful to have a curator friend in your life.
It could be someone who, like my friend Lee, knows books.
It could be someone who knows good TV shows, Like
I feel like I watch a good bit of TV,
and so maybe a lot of TV is probably more
than a good bit, But anyways, I watch a lot
of TV, and so I do have people sometimes ask
(11:51):
me like, hey, what did you think about this show?
You know, do you think I would like it? And
I can say, here's what I liked about the show.
So I don't think you would like it. I don't
recommend you watch it, but here's what's good about it.
Or if people come to me and say I want
to watch something else on TV, I'm totally that person.
I can also be that person about music too. It
(12:13):
depends on the type of music because I'm not going
to lie to y'all that I'm kind of like, it's
a certain type of music I like, and it's certain
type of music I don't. So I'm not as much
of a wide span, you know, listens to just all
the music person. But if the person comes to me
and their tastes are kind of similar to mine, then
I might be like, Oh, here's the starting place, you know,
Here's where I would start, Here's where I think about
(12:34):
blah blah blah. You should get you a good curator friend.
Get you some friends that know about some things that
you don't know that much about and would be willing
to give you tips on how you can kind of start,
you know, dipping your toe in the water of knowing
more about that. Next, this is what Bethany Frankel inspired
(12:57):
me in seeing this particular season of Real Housewives of
New York. You need a foodie friend, okay, and a
foodie friend can present themselves in a couple of different ways.
Number One, a foodie friend is someone who knows how
to order food well. And I'm gonna tell you the
person in my life who is the best orderer of
(13:18):
food is my husband. When we were dating, and I
have to say, he's like this about food, and he's
also like this about cocktails too. When we were dating
our first several dates, I feel like I ordered badly.
Now I don't know if I just ordered, if I
was ordering safe. I don't know if I was like
(13:40):
nervous because we were on our first several dates. But
I feel like, pretty consistently our first several dates, his
order came to the table and I immediately regretted what
I ordered. So after doing that a few times, then
I would finally like I would look at the menu
and I would tell him these are the three things
(14:02):
I'm looking at. Which of these do you think that
I would like or do you think I should try?
And he would say I would try this one, this one,
I wouldn't try that one because of the type of
restaurant this is, you know, Like I think I was
making some mistakes. Like if you go to a steakhouse place,
it depends on the place if getting something else other
than steak is actually going to work out, you know,
(14:25):
Or if you go to a place that pasta is
sort of like the central of the menu, you know,
you might order a sandwich there and be like sorely disappointed, right,
So I feel like I was making those kinds of mistakes,
which may have been just because I was so happy
to just hang out with him that I wasn't paying
much attention to the menu. And then sometimes now that
(14:48):
we've gotten married, sometimes what he'll do is if I'm
looking on the menu and I see like two or
three things that I'm like, oh, I can't really decide,
He'll be like, why don't you order this and order that?
And then you can try both things, which is really sweet.
It's really sweet when you are dating in a relationship
with someone that is willing to like take that risk,
(15:09):
They're willing to throw throw that dice out there. But
I just started to trust his palette there, you know.
(15:30):
And as it relates to cocktails, I am a person
who I think as I've gotten older, I've gotten a
little more my palette has become a bit more adventurous.
But as previously stated in some other episodes, you know,
I was very new to drinking. I didn't start drinking
until I was in my late twenties, so it has
(15:52):
taken me some time to figure out, like, am I
a person who likes wine or a person who likes
wine with this kind of meal? Am I a person
who likes a cocktail? What type of cocktail do I like?
What kind of bitters do I prefer? What are the
things in the cocktail that excite me? You know? So
there are times that I would ask Matt, when you
look at the menu, what are the top two or
(16:13):
three things you would order? And I would order out
of his list of things. And I would do the
same with the cocktails. So that is the plus of
having a foody friend that they know how to order food. Well, okay,
the other type of foody friend you need is someone
who knows how to suss out a good restaurant. I
(16:35):
feel like I pride myself on being this friend. But
I didn't start being a person that susses out a
good restaurant because I wanted to be a foodie friend.
I think this happened to me because I was traveling
all the time. Well, it was a combination of the
fact that I was traveling all the time for work
and that in my thirties I discovered that I was
(16:57):
going to have to for a while go dairy free.
I mean, now I can have some dairy, but I
had to have a period of time where I was
going to go dairy free, I had to limit sort
of the hormone induced foods that I was eating. So
it meant that that limited the amount of chain restaurants
that I could eat at. And then over time, as
(17:18):
you know, Matt and I traveled together mostly for many years,
and so when we would travel together, it sort of
became this thing like I just really honestly feel like
life is too short to eat bad food. Like that's
just how I feel about it, you know. And just
because you're traveling and you're away from home, and you
may be in a place that has restaurants that you're
(17:39):
not familiar with, whether there are chains or mom and
pop shops, you know, I really became a lot less
interested in eating at the restaurants I knew and more
interested in wanting to know, well, where are we and
what is the best cuisine that you can have here?
What's the stuff you know that people all always want
(18:00):
to make sure they eat when they're in blah blah
blah city. So Matt and I started kind of making
a rule for ourselves that we would not for the
most part, unless we were like in a pinch, we
wouldn't go looking for some national chain that we knew
if we had the time, we're going to find someplace
there that's really good food. A lot of times, some
(18:21):
of the places that are really good food there, of course,
they are local places. A lot of times they are
also locally sourced, which was really helpful for a lot
of my dietary restrictions. Sometimes it was not healthy food
at all, it was just going to be delicious. I
remember one time Matt and I were traveling at this
we had performed at this college in East Texas, and
(18:44):
it was one of those places where this would happen
to us all the time, because we did a lot
of Christian youth and Christian college events. So you'd fly
into like the major airport, but then you'd have to
drive like an hour and a half for two hours
to get to whatever the school was in the middle
of no place, and so the school was in East Texas,
(19:04):
but we had to fly into Houston. So it's one
of those hustles where we had to perform speak whatever
we were doing at the college in the morning, and
then we had to hustle the one and a half
to two hours back to get back to the airport.
In time for our flight. We were so hungry we
were electing not to eat in the college cafeteria. Because
(19:25):
I have spoken at many colleges across the country, I
have yet to meet one that I was like, Wow,
I'm really glad I ate here instead of this restaurant.
You know. And here's how I suss out if it's
a good restaurant. If I've had the time prior to
traveling to to said city, I will look up the
(19:47):
lists of like, you know, top ten places you should
eat in Houston, right, top five best restaurants in Houston.
I'll look up those things so that I can know
what we're close to or not. The other thing I
do is I cross reference the list with Yelp, because
sometimes a thing could end up on a list, and
(20:11):
maybe the list was three years ago, and maybe the
chef or whoever that was doing the cooking at that
time is not there anymore. So sometimes the lists are
not always as current as what's on yeop. So if
I see a restaurant on a list and I go
to Yelp, it always has to be four stars and above.
(20:32):
I don't play games about it. Okay, when I'm in Atlanta,
I'm not gonna lie. I know my restaurants here. There
are some restaurants I frequent that have three and a
half star reviews on Yelp. But I have eaten there.
It's pretty consistent food. You know. I'm not looking for
this like amazing League or main meal. I'm going there
(20:55):
because there's like a particular taco I love over there,
or there's a particular sandwich I want to eat it
over there. But when I'm out of town, no games,
you can't afford to risk yourself on three stars in
a city you're unfamiliar with, you can't afford to do.
It has to be four stars and above. So Matt
and I now Ma and I are in a situation
(21:16):
where there wasn't really a way to search the restaurants
in advance because we technically weren't in Houston. By the
time we got to Houston, we were gonna have to
get on the plane. So we had to find between
this college in the middle of nowhere in Houston, Texas,
where can we eat? Okay, I go on Yelp. I
(21:36):
find a four star Poe Boy restaurant. This is the
stuff of dreams. Okay, this is the stuff of dreams
a four star Poe Boy restaurant that just happens to
be between this old place and Houston. Sure, so Matt
and I are like, you know what, We're gonna take
the risk, throw the dice on it. We drive up
(21:58):
to the place and it literally looks like like you
have pulled up to your aunt's house. It's like a small,
little one story house. It had all these different colors
the way it was painted. The shutters were different colors
from the wall were different colors from the one wall
over here was a different color from this wall. Like
it was just all sorts of different colors. We go inside.
(22:20):
It's a black owned restaurant and they are like pictures
of the family, you know, up on the walls. And
we look at each other and we're like, pretty sure
this is about to be some of the best food.
Like this little like little house, little hole in the
wall type spot, four stars in the middle of like
(22:41):
not quite being in a metropolitan area. Yes please. We
had two of the best po Boys I've ever had
in my entire life that day, Like we really had to,
I want to say, we had to eat half of
our sandwiches in the restaurant and then because we were
in a time crunch, we had to like wrap everything
up and like hurry up and leave. And the sandwich
(23:01):
was so good that we were like, if we don't
wrap this up and hurry up and leave, like we're
gonna be late, we're gonna miss our flight. So I
love to be this person that susses out a good
restaurant because typically if I'm meeting with my friends and
the other friend that I'm meeting up with, like say,
if I go visit a friend out of town, and
(23:23):
if the friend that I'm about to go visit is
not a foodie, then I always take it upon myself
to pick the restaurant because I feel like that saves
me from being annoyed. It's gonna give great food to
all of us, and we get a chance to try
some things, even in the city where they live. So
you need a foody friend who can suss out a
good restaurant. It's a bonus if your friend also knows
(23:45):
food cities and travels. I'm gonna tell y'all that one
of my I used to say it was a post
pandemic dream, and sometimes I'm like, Amino, will we ever
be post pandemic, Like, I just hard for me to
imagine that life right now. Maybe it's more like when
things are less risky, when it's less risky to travel
(24:10):
and really vacation in the way that I would like
to do it. You know, I spent a lot of
time traveling to places for work every now and then.
I feel like Matt and I, towards the end of
our stint traveling, we were getting better at making sure
that if we were traveling to an area that we
really loved, that we would stay a couple of extra days.
(24:34):
Like my hometown is San Antonio, and so whenever I
get a gig in Austin or anywhere near there, my
best friend and her husband are there, and so I
almost always I'm going to stay over an extra couple
of days just to hang out with them and just
do whatever. You know. Chicago is another one of our
favorite food cities, so we would always at least try
(24:55):
to give ourselves an extra day to make sure we
hit our spots, hit Portillo and make sure we got
some Luma Nadis, you know, pizza while we were in town,
and stands donuts. You know, there's just some places that
we were like oh, I gotta do it, you know.
And my dream now that I have been home for
(25:17):
almost two years, I haven't taken a flight, y'all in
almost exactly two years. Next month will make exactly two
years since I have been on a plane, which is
the longest I have not been on a plane since
I was a child, okay. And I have thought about,
you know, the previous life that I had that Matt
and I were doing together when we were on the
(25:39):
road traveling a lot, and of course I missed the
stage and I do believe in time I'll be able
to safely get back to that. But I realized I
missed traveling, and I missed traveling more than I missed
traveling for work. So it is a dream of mine
in this next you know, decade or two of life
(26:00):
to go back to some of those cities that we
went to for work and really like fell in love
with the food and just have time that we're just
going back to that city to eat and probably go
see some of the art that's there if there's a
show to see. You know. I feel like Chicago is
a city that's like that. La is like that to me.
(26:21):
New York is like that Miami is a city that
I've been to, but I haven't really gotten a chance
to experience the food. So it's one of my like
food cities that I would want to visit. New Orleans.
We went to New Orleans for an anniversary and I
was like, oh my gosh, like we just came here
and we just got to like sleep and eat food
and listen to jazz. Like, yes, you know, so I
(26:43):
want to get back to actually traveling to enjoy the
cities there and enjoy the food. So yes, honey, I'm here.
I am here to be the foodie friend as needed.
Next friend you need is a fashion friend. And I'm
gonna tell y'all right now, I am no body's fashion friends.
Not a one of my friends would tell you that
(27:08):
Amina helps me with my fashions. Okay, fashion has just
never it has never been a gift for me, which
is why I need a fashion friend. My top fashion
friend is my sister, who is also one of my
best friends. My sister is just it's like my sister
could be in a pair of sweatpants and it just
(27:29):
looks like amazing, you know, Like I will be places
with my sister and people just they cannot stop looking
at her because she's just gorgeous in general. But then
added to that, she just dresses in this way that
is so like, it looks so like effortless. But if
I were to try to wear those same exact outfits,
(27:50):
it would look so terrible. So she's my top fashion friend. Like,
if I'm buying clothes for myself, I like for her
to be in the mall with me because I'm very
much like a creature of habit and a creature of comfort.
So I'm not as bad now as I used to be,
but I used to be very like, Oh, I walked
in Express and I tried on this one shirt. It
(28:10):
looked nice, so I would just buy that shirt in
like four colors. She was like, I know you like
shirts like that, and that's why you bought that shirt
and that many colors. But I don't think you should
buy that kind of shirt anymore because I don't think
it looks flattering on you like she would be that honest.
That is part of what a fashion friend does. I
want to give a shout out to one of my
best friends, Kimberly. She is also a person who knows
(28:32):
how to dress. She pays attention to like what's trending
and what's in fashion and stuff like that. She was
the person in my twenties that was the first person
to tell me, like, this shoe that you bought is
a winter shoe. She was like, you're not You're not
supposed to wear this shoe year round like this, you know,
Like she was the first person that told me that.
(28:54):
I want to give a shout out to my friend
and collaborator Michelle Norris, who has styled me for quite
a few of the shoots that you have seen me
do over the past few years. Some of that is
the work of Michelle Norris. And you can have a
lot of different ways that you can work with a stylist.
You can work with a stylist where they have like
(29:15):
your measurements, your sizes, what you're looking for, and they
kind of go around to different places and pull outfits
for you, and then they either bring them to you
or you go to their space and kind of look
through what they pulled. But that wasn't as helpful for
me and trying to figure out how to be fashionable.
So I would ask Michelle if instead of doing that,
(29:37):
if I could go with her to the stores that
she would go to, you know, if she were to
pull outfits or something for me. And Michelle doesn't even
like do styling like that really as a part of
her work anymore, but she would do this with me,
like on the side, as like she still had a
little side hustle with me, and we would just go
(29:57):
out there and have a certain number of hours that
I'd be like, I will pay you come out here
and help me do this. And so we would go
and look through the different stores and she would pick
things for me to try on that I would never
pick off the rack for myself. Michelle Norris is the
reason that I wear jumpsuits to this day because I
just like I couldn't get past the fact that when
(30:18):
I would see other women in jumpsuits, I would think
they looked gorgeous. But I really had a question that
I couldn't ask because most of the women I saw
wearing them were strangers, which is, how do you go
to the bathroom with all that stuff on? And for
those of you who know I'm gonna get you suck a,
I thank you for understanding the reference. I was just like,
I want to know how you go to the bathroom?
Because I can't figure that out. I'm never gonna wear this,
(30:40):
and she was like, please go in and try this on.
She was like, I think your body would be perfect
in jumpsuits, And turns out it was so Shout out
to the fashion friend. They can help you out of
a fashion rut. They can be honest with you when
you are wearing things that do not look good on you.
But it's not just that they're over critical. They can
also help you find the things that do look good
(31:02):
on you, that do make you feel good, that do
express your sense of style. So we're gonna have a
part two of this because I have a few more
other friends stories and friends suggestions that I want to
give you. But yes, everybody needs that friend. Join me
in the living room next time when we talk about
what are the other friends we need or what Amina
(31:42):
Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sobrafeity Productions as
a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership
with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe,
rate and review the podcast.
Hey, everybody, Welcome to this week's episode of Her with
Amina Brown. You know, you know what I haven't talked
enough about in these first few episodes of the year
is our her living room, and I just want to
bring you back to that visual. I don't know where
you are, where you may be listening. I get messages
from a few of you, so I know some of
(01:01):
you are working from home and you're listening from there.
Some of you may be commuting. You're listening in your car.
Some of you are on public transportation, headed to work
or headed to play wherever you're headed. Some of you
are listening late at night. So I don't know the vibes,
(01:21):
but just know when you're listening to this podcast. My
goal is still for you to feel that you are
gathered in our girlfriend's living room. Gathered in the living
room space that is where you bring your little bits
of snacks. It's where there's no judgment for the combination
(01:42):
of snacks that you bring together. So welcome back to
our worn couch situation in the living room. Because isn't
it isn't that the best couch where it's just it's
just worn enough. You know, that's the best couch just
like a pair of gens just worn an Okay, speaking
of being with girlfriends in the living room this episode,
(02:06):
we are talking about the friends that we need in
our lives. And I think I've discussed on here that
I spent the ladder in part of the year into
the beginning of the new year watching through Real Housewives
of New York and whenever I go through periods of
(02:27):
time where I'm experiencing high anxiety for some reason, there's
something about the Real Housewives franchise that is soothing to me.
And I don't know what that says about me. I'm
not going to get into trying to psychoanalyze that about myself,
but it's just true. So there was a scene where
(02:47):
one of the housewives was it was actually a reunion scene,
and they were talking about Bethany Frankel, and they were
talking about how she always orders really well for the table.
Whenever they would go to a restaurant, she would typically
research the restaurant in advance. She would call the restaurant
ahead and say, when we sit down, here's the food
(03:09):
we want to come out, while everyone is still figuring
out what they want to order. And I was like,
Oh my gosh, Like, what a wonderful friend to have, Like,
it's so good to have a friend like that, which
sent my mind going to who are the friends that
we really need in our lives? So in this episode,
(03:30):
let's talk about that the first friend that you need
is a cussing friend. And I need to start right here.
I need to start right here because I didn't realize
the importance of having a cuss and friend until maybe
several years ago, the last several years of my life.
And I happen to have a couple of friends in
(03:52):
my life that are just truly the best at cussing
and cussing in a moment where you don't have the
other words to like articulate your situation. And I also
want to submit to you all that I know that
I am the cussin friend for some of my friends.
(04:12):
I'm not going to do all that cussing on this podcast,
but there are a few of my friends that would
be like, it's her, She's the one that's doing the cussin.
So if you're listening to this and when I said
a cussin friend, you got uncomfortable, then the cussing friend
isn't you? You probably have some cussin friends. And if
you have some friends that listen to this podcast and
(04:34):
they also reach out to you when they get to
this part, then it's you. You are the friend that cusses.
I'll tell you a moment that I realized having a
cussing friend is really important. Oh my gosh, y'all. Who
I was just thinking about this moment and I want
to give a shout out to my friend Nish. Nish
why seth. She is just a fabulous person. I may
(04:56):
just need to like reach out to her and just
call her real quick and talk crazy to her for
five minutes, because this story is about her, a real
life story. I was out a women's conference. Nish and
I and several of our mutual friends were at this conference,
and I'm just going to keep it real with y'all.
You know, my husband and I were going through some
(05:19):
struggles trying to get pregnant, and I can't remember if
this happened before or after I had to go on stage.
I think it happened before that. Someone that I knew
came up to me at that event and announced to
me her pregnancy. And if you're listening to this and
(05:41):
you have ever experienced loss or miscarriage, experienced and fertility
in any way, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
That you can have this moment inside where when you
are struggling, you're trying to get pregnant and it's not
going well for you, and someone else announces their pregnancy
(06:01):
to you, you are exceedingly happy for them, and you
are also feeling such heartbreak for yourself. And that can
really be a hard thing to describe to someone if
they've never been through it, you know. And so Nish
is in the green room of this conference with me,
(06:23):
watching this moment happen, and she knew some of the
behind the scenes of my life. And after this friend
like told me her announcement, and then I did a
really great job not showing to her like how much
I was like breaking inside. And then she left and
(06:44):
I went to sit down next to Nish, and Nish
turned and looked at me, and she said the F
bomb so loud and so pointedly, and I just never
thought I would appreciate it hearing the F bomb in
that context, in that moment. But there wasn't anything else
(07:05):
to say, there was no advice to give, there was
nothing She could say to fix it or make it
feel any better, but just her saying the F bomb
to me in that moment just had me like yes,
just be like, thank you girl for feeling me in
this moment. You know, you need a friend like that
(07:27):
because sometimes, like you know, here I go being the
cussin friend, but sometimes hardshit is going to happen in
your life. And the truth is, sometimes there'll be such
hard things that can happen to you that even when
people who are praying people go to pray, they may
not even have the exact words to pray. And I
(07:49):
am a person who also thinks that cussin can be
prayer too, you know, because I think God understands, that
understands our humanity and how we feel when life just
hits us in these really really hard ways. When you
have a cusso and friend, it's really nice because sometimes
(08:09):
they can use their cuss words to articulate a thing
that you are struggling to put words to. Sometimes just
them saying a word that in some you know, circles
of people would be considered a really inappropriate word to
say feels really great in certain situations. So you should
have a cussin friend. Even if you don't cuss yourself,
(08:33):
you should have a cussin friend. If you do cuss yourself,
sometimes you need a cussin friend that's very like cuss articulate.
You know that just can really drop a nice phrase
that you need. So shout out to the cusso and
friend it's important. And shout out to my girl Niche
because that was that was a real moment between she
and I. Okay. The next type of friend that you
(08:55):
need is a curator friend. And this is a person
that knows a certain they know like certain things really well.
Like it could be a person who knows music very well.
It could be a person who knows good books. It
could be a person who knows film, knows television shows,
(09:16):
knows house decor or house organization, things you know, like,
it could be many things that that person can be
really interested in, but they go beyond being just an
enthusiast about those things. This is a person that not
only is excited or interested in that particular subject matter,
(09:40):
but if you went to them and said, hey, I'm
looking to dabble in this blah blah blah genre of stuff,
where do you think I should start? That person would
then be able to go through the things they know
and curate to you. Hm, I think you would like
this book because of these reasons, or they might even
(10:01):
know enough about the subject matter to say to you,
Tell me what you're looking for when you're looking for
this type of thing. I'll give you an example. My
friend Lee is a fantastic curator of I would say,
of books in general, but very specifically. I asked her
sometimes to give me romance recommendations because I know this
(10:24):
is a genre that she reads and during the pandemic.
I've talked to you in previous episodes about how I
picked up on reading more romance because I just needed
to read some books that were about the newness of
love and always have a happy ending. I just needed that,
like everything's going to turn out good for these characters,
you know. So when I went to her and said, hey,
(10:46):
I'm thinking about reading more romance, who should I read?
And she had this like immediate list of questions, like
asking me different things. Was I looking for authors of color?
Was I looking for black women authors like she had all?
Was I looking for a certain level of heat in
the book itself? Right? So I answered those questions and
(11:06):
then she like, is a wonderful friend. She sent me
an email with like, here are the things I would
suggest for you based upon what you described to me.
Are your interests? Right? So it was sort of like
she used these answers to her questions that I gave her.
She used her knowledge of me, and she used her
knowledge of the things that she knows well. Right. It
(11:30):
is wonderful to have a curator friend in your life.
It could be someone who, like my friend Lee, knows books.
It could be someone who knows good TV shows, Like
I feel like I watch a good bit of TV,
and so maybe a lot of TV is probably more
than a good bit, But anyways, I watch a lot
of TV, and so I do have people sometimes ask
(11:51):
me like, hey, what did you think about this show?
You know, do you think I would like it? And
I can say, here's what I liked about the show.
So I don't think you would like it. I don't
recommend you watch it, but here's what's good about it.
Or if people come to me and say I want
to watch something else on TV, I'm totally that person.
I can also be that person about music too. It
(12:13):
depends on the type of music because I'm not going
to lie to y'all that I'm kind of like, it's
a certain type of music I like, and it's certain
type of music I don't. So I'm not as much
of a wide span, you know, listens to just all
the music person. But if the person comes to me
and their tastes are kind of similar to mine, then
I might be like, Oh, here's the starting place, you know,
Here's where I would start, Here's where I think about
(12:34):
blah blah blah. You should get you a good curator friend.
Get you some friends that know about some things that
you don't know that much about and would be willing
to give you tips on how you can kind of start,
you know, dipping your toe in the water of knowing
more about that. Next, this is what Bethany Frankel inspired
(12:57):
me in seeing this particular season of Real Housewives of
New York. You need a foodie friend, okay, and a
foodie friend can present themselves in a couple of different ways.
Number One, a foodie friend is someone who knows how
to order food well. And I'm gonna tell you the
person in my life who is the best orderer of
(13:18):
food is my husband. When we were dating, and I
have to say, he's like this about food, and he's
also like this about cocktails too. When we were dating
our first several dates, I feel like I ordered badly.
Now I don't know if I just ordered, if I
was ordering safe. I don't know if I was like
(13:40):
nervous because we were on our first several dates. But
I feel like, pretty consistently our first several dates, his
order came to the table and I immediately regretted what
I ordered. So after doing that a few times, then
I would finally like I would look at the menu
and I would tell him these are the three things
(14:02):
I'm looking at. Which of these do you think that
I would like or do you think I should try?
And he would say I would try this one, this one,
I wouldn't try that one because of the type of
restaurant this is, you know, Like I think I was
making some mistakes. Like if you go to a steakhouse place,
it depends on the place if getting something else other
than steak is actually going to work out, you know,
(14:25):
Or if you go to a place that pasta is
sort of like the central of the menu, you know,
you might order a sandwich there and be like sorely disappointed, right,
So I feel like I was making those kinds of mistakes,
which may have been just because I was so happy
to just hang out with him that I wasn't paying
much attention to the menu. And then sometimes now that
(14:48):
we've gotten married, sometimes what he'll do is if I'm
looking on the menu and I see like two or
three things that I'm like, oh, I can't really decide,
He'll be like, why don't you order this and order that?
And then you can try both things, which is really sweet.
It's really sweet when you are dating in a relationship
with someone that is willing to like take that risk,
(15:09):
They're willing to throw throw that dice out there. But
I just started to trust his palette there, you know.
(15:30):
And as it relates to cocktails, I am a person
who I think as I've gotten older, I've gotten a
little more my palette has become a bit more adventurous.
But as previously stated in some other episodes, you know,
I was very new to drinking. I didn't start drinking
until I was in my late twenties, so it has
(15:52):
taken me some time to figure out, like, am I
a person who likes wine or a person who likes
wine with this kind of meal? Am I a person
who likes a cocktail? What type of cocktail do I like?
What kind of bitters do I prefer? What are the
things in the cocktail that excite me? You know? So
there are times that I would ask Matt, when you
look at the menu, what are the top two or
(16:13):
three things you would order? And I would order out
of his list of things. And I would do the
same with the cocktails. So that is the plus of
having a foody friend that they know how to order food. Well, okay,
the other type of foody friend you need is someone
who knows how to suss out a good restaurant. I
(16:35):
feel like I pride myself on being this friend. But
I didn't start being a person that susses out a
good restaurant because I wanted to be a foodie friend.
I think this happened to me because I was traveling
all the time. Well, it was a combination of the
fact that I was traveling all the time for work
and that in my thirties I discovered that I was
(16:57):
going to have to for a while go dairy free.
I mean, now I can have some dairy, but I
had to have a period of time where I was
going to go dairy free, I had to limit sort
of the hormone induced foods that I was eating. So
it meant that that limited the amount of chain restaurants
that I could eat at. And then over time, as
(17:18):
you know, Matt and I traveled together mostly for many years,
and so when we would travel together, it sort of
became this thing like I just really honestly feel like
life is too short to eat bad food. Like that's
just how I feel about it, you know. And just
because you're traveling and you're away from home, and you
may be in a place that has restaurants that you're
(17:39):
not familiar with, whether there are chains or mom and
pop shops, you know, I really became a lot less
interested in eating at the restaurants I knew and more
interested in wanting to know, well, where are we and
what is the best cuisine that you can have here?
What's the stuff you know that people all always want
(18:00):
to make sure they eat when they're in blah blah
blah city. So Matt and I started kind of making
a rule for ourselves that we would not for the
most part, unless we were like in a pinch, we
wouldn't go looking for some national chain that we knew
if we had the time, we're going to find someplace
there that's really good food. A lot of times, some
(18:21):
of the places that are really good food there, of course,
they are local places. A lot of times they are
also locally sourced, which was really helpful for a lot
of my dietary restrictions. Sometimes it was not healthy food
at all, it was just going to be delicious. I
remember one time Matt and I were traveling at this
we had performed at this college in East Texas, and
(18:44):
it was one of those places where this would happen
to us all the time, because we did a lot
of Christian youth and Christian college events. So you'd fly
into like the major airport, but then you'd have to
drive like an hour and a half for two hours
to get to whatever the school was in the middle
of no place, and so the school was in East Texas,
(19:04):
but we had to fly into Houston. So it's one
of those hustles where we had to perform speak whatever
we were doing at the college in the morning, and
then we had to hustle the one and a half
to two hours back to get back to the airport.
In time for our flight. We were so hungry we
were electing not to eat in the college cafeteria. Because
(19:25):
I have spoken at many colleges across the country, I
have yet to meet one that I was like, Wow,
I'm really glad I ate here instead of this restaurant.
You know. And here's how I suss out if it's
a good restaurant. If I've had the time prior to
traveling to to said city, I will look up the
(19:47):
lists of like, you know, top ten places you should
eat in Houston, right, top five best restaurants in Houston.
I'll look up those things so that I can know
what we're close to or not. The other thing I
do is I cross reference the list with Yelp, because
sometimes a thing could end up on a list, and
(20:11):
maybe the list was three years ago, and maybe the
chef or whoever that was doing the cooking at that
time is not there anymore. So sometimes the lists are
not always as current as what's on yeop. So if
I see a restaurant on a list and I go
to Yelp, it always has to be four stars and above.
(20:32):
I don't play games about it. Okay, when I'm in Atlanta,
I'm not gonna lie. I know my restaurants here. There
are some restaurants I frequent that have three and a
half star reviews on Yelp. But I have eaten there.
It's pretty consistent food. You know. I'm not looking for
this like amazing League or main meal. I'm going there
(20:55):
because there's like a particular taco I love over there,
or there's a particular sandwich I want to eat it
over there. But when I'm out of town, no games,
you can't afford to risk yourself on three stars in
a city you're unfamiliar with, you can't afford to do.
It has to be four stars and above. So Matt
and I now Ma and I are in a situation
(21:16):
where there wasn't really a way to search the restaurants
in advance because we technically weren't in Houston. By the
time we got to Houston, we were gonna have to
get on the plane. So we had to find between
this college in the middle of nowhere in Houston, Texas,
where can we eat? Okay, I go on Yelp. I
(21:36):
find a four star Poe Boy restaurant. This is the
stuff of dreams. Okay, this is the stuff of dreams
a four star Poe Boy restaurant that just happens to
be between this old place and Houston. Sure, so Matt
and I are like, you know what, We're gonna take
the risk, throw the dice on it. We drive up
(21:58):
to the place and it literally looks like like you
have pulled up to your aunt's house. It's like a small,
little one story house. It had all these different colors
the way it was painted. The shutters were different colors
from the wall were different colors from the one wall
over here was a different color from this wall. Like
it was just all sorts of different colors. We go inside.
(22:20):
It's a black owned restaurant and they are like pictures
of the family, you know, up on the walls. And
we look at each other and we're like, pretty sure
this is about to be some of the best food.
Like this little like little house, little hole in the
wall type spot, four stars in the middle of like
(22:41):
not quite being in a metropolitan area. Yes please. We
had two of the best po Boys I've ever had
in my entire life that day, Like we really had to,
I want to say, we had to eat half of
our sandwiches in the restaurant and then because we were
in a time crunch, we had to like wrap everything
up and like hurry up and leave. And the sandwich
(23:01):
was so good that we were like, if we don't
wrap this up and hurry up and leave, like we're
gonna be late, we're gonna miss our flight. So I
love to be this person that susses out a good
restaurant because typically if I'm meeting with my friends and
the other friend that I'm meeting up with, like say,
if I go visit a friend out of town, and
(23:23):
if the friend that I'm about to go visit is
not a foodie, then I always take it upon myself
to pick the restaurant because I feel like that saves
me from being annoyed. It's gonna give great food to
all of us, and we get a chance to try
some things, even in the city where they live. So
you need a foody friend who can suss out a
good restaurant. It's a bonus if your friend also knows
(23:45):
food cities and travels. I'm gonna tell y'all that one
of my I used to say it was a post
pandemic dream, and sometimes I'm like, Amino, will we ever
be post pandemic, Like, I just hard for me to
imagine that life right now. Maybe it's more like when
things are less risky, when it's less risky to travel
(24:10):
and really vacation in the way that I would like
to do it. You know, I spent a lot of
time traveling to places for work every now and then.
I feel like Matt and I, towards the end of
our stint traveling, we were getting better at making sure
that if we were traveling to an area that we
really loved, that we would stay a couple of extra days.
(24:34):
Like my hometown is San Antonio, and so whenever I
get a gig in Austin or anywhere near there, my
best friend and her husband are there, and so I
almost always I'm going to stay over an extra couple
of days just to hang out with them and just
do whatever. You know. Chicago is another one of our
favorite food cities, so we would always at least try
(24:55):
to give ourselves an extra day to make sure we
hit our spots, hit Portillo and make sure we got
some Luma Nadis, you know, pizza while we were in town,
and stands donuts. You know, there's just some places that
we were like oh, I gotta do it, you know.
And my dream now that I have been home for
(25:17):
almost two years, I haven't taken a flight, y'all in
almost exactly two years. Next month will make exactly two
years since I have been on a plane, which is
the longest I have not been on a plane since
I was a child, okay. And I have thought about,
you know, the previous life that I had that Matt
and I were doing together when we were on the
(25:39):
road traveling a lot, and of course I missed the
stage and I do believe in time I'll be able
to safely get back to that. But I realized I
missed traveling, and I missed traveling more than I missed
traveling for work. So it is a dream of mine
in this next you know, decade or two of life
(26:00):
to go back to some of those cities that we
went to for work and really like fell in love
with the food and just have time that we're just
going back to that city to eat and probably go
see some of the art that's there if there's a
show to see. You know. I feel like Chicago is
a city that's like that. La is like that to me.
(26:21):
New York is like that Miami is a city that
I've been to, but I haven't really gotten a chance
to experience the food. So it's one of my like
food cities that I would want to visit. New Orleans.
We went to New Orleans for an anniversary and I
was like, oh my gosh, like we just came here
and we just got to like sleep and eat food
and listen to jazz. Like, yes, you know, so I
(26:43):
want to get back to actually traveling to enjoy the
cities there and enjoy the food. So yes, honey, I'm here.
I am here to be the foodie friend as needed.
Next friend you need is a fashion friend. And I'm
gonna tell y'all right now, I am no body's fashion friends.
Not a one of my friends would tell you that
(27:08):
Amina helps me with my fashions. Okay, fashion has just
never it has never been a gift for me, which
is why I need a fashion friend. My top fashion
friend is my sister, who is also one of my
best friends. My sister is just it's like my sister
could be in a pair of sweatpants and it just
(27:29):
looks like amazing, you know, Like I will be places
with my sister and people just they cannot stop looking
at her because she's just gorgeous in general. But then
added to that, she just dresses in this way that
is so like, it looks so like effortless. But if
I were to try to wear those same exact outfits,
(27:50):
it would look so terrible. So she's my top fashion friend. Like,
if I'm buying clothes for myself, I like for her
to be in the mall with me because I'm very
much like a creature of habit and a creature of comfort.
So I'm not as bad now as I used to be,
but I used to be very like, Oh, I walked
in Express and I tried on this one shirt. It
(28:10):
looked nice, so I would just buy that shirt in
like four colors. She was like, I know you like
shirts like that, and that's why you bought that shirt
and that many colors. But I don't think you should
buy that kind of shirt anymore because I don't think
it looks flattering on you like she would be that honest.
That is part of what a fashion friend does. I
want to give a shout out to one of my
best friends, Kimberly. She is also a person who knows
(28:32):
how to dress. She pays attention to like what's trending
and what's in fashion and stuff like that. She was
the person in my twenties that was the first person
to tell me, like, this shoe that you bought is
a winter shoe. She was like, you're not You're not
supposed to wear this shoe year round like this, you know,
Like she was the first person that told me that.
(28:54):
I want to give a shout out to my friend
and collaborator Michelle Norris, who has styled me for quite
a few of the shoots that you have seen me
do over the past few years. Some of that is
the work of Michelle Norris. And you can have a
lot of different ways that you can work with a stylist.
You can work with a stylist where they have like
(29:15):
your measurements, your sizes, what you're looking for, and they
kind of go around to different places and pull outfits
for you, and then they either bring them to you
or you go to their space and kind of look
through what they pulled. But that wasn't as helpful for
me and trying to figure out how to be fashionable.
So I would ask Michelle if instead of doing that,
(29:37):
if I could go with her to the stores that
she would go to, you know, if she were to
pull outfits or something for me. And Michelle doesn't even
like do styling like that really as a part of
her work anymore, but she would do this with me,
like on the side, as like she still had a
little side hustle with me, and we would just go
(29:57):
out there and have a certain number of hours that
I'd be like, I will pay you come out here
and help me do this. And so we would go
and look through the different stores and she would pick
things for me to try on that I would never
pick off the rack for myself. Michelle Norris is the
reason that I wear jumpsuits to this day because I
just like I couldn't get past the fact that when
(30:18):
I would see other women in jumpsuits, I would think
they looked gorgeous. But I really had a question that
I couldn't ask because most of the women I saw
wearing them were strangers, which is, how do you go
to the bathroom with all that stuff on? And for
those of you who know I'm gonna get you suck a,
I thank you for understanding the reference. I was just like,
I want to know how you go to the bathroom?
Because I can't figure that out. I'm never gonna wear this,
(30:40):
and she was like, please go in and try this on.
She was like, I think your body would be perfect
in jumpsuits, And turns out it was so Shout out
to the fashion friend. They can help you out of
a fashion rut. They can be honest with you when
you are wearing things that do not look good on you.
But it's not just that they're over critical. They can
also help you find the things that do look good
(31:02):
on you, that do make you feel good, that do
express your sense of style. So we're gonna have a
part two of this because I have a few more
other friends stories and friends suggestions that I want to
give you. But yes, everybody needs that friend. Join me
in the living room next time when we talk about
what are the other friends we need or what Amina
(31:42):
Brown is produced by Matt Owen for Sobrafeity Productions as
a part of the Seneca Women Podcast Network in partnership
with iHeartRadio. Thanks for listening and don't forget to subscribe,
rate and review the podcast.
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