Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
I jump awake. It's a Saturday morning and I've got
my next therapy appointment today. I'm actually excited for it.
I want to talk about the breakthrough I had in
my meditation the other night. Mom makes breakfast bacon, eggs,
home fries, and grits, the whole nine, and after we eat,
(00:23):
that drives me over to the therapist office. So how
are things telling the truth? Things are going really well.
We almost didn't have an artist to interview this week,
but I reached out to this rapper I met during
my so called antic episode and she's open to being
a guest when I Seeson finale. M hm. And how
(00:43):
are things with your parents? It's getting much better? Come
our punishment next week. My parents agreed to fall back
a bit so that I can join Marco and Janella
the Black Lives Matter A really good for you. It
must be nice to have things back to normal. Yeah,
that's how it feels like like things are really coming together.
And I know that a big part of that is
(01:03):
just me getting out of my own way. I had
to let go up the pass and stop fearing the future.
You know, there's no time like the president exactly. Honestly,
I'm not trying to sound all deep, but I had
a break tough meditate it. Oh you meditate. You haven't
mentioned that to you before. Honestly, I could never even
sit for ten minutes before. I don't exactly go around
advertising it. I was inspired by stick from dead prayers.
(01:27):
I started off meditating for just five minutes at a time,
you know, as a way to manage anxiety. I always
felt anty and ended up fixating on one train of
thought or another. But the other night, it was wild.
I was letting all these starts and feelings just well
up and passed through me, and it was like I
could feel pins and needles rising up through my body.
It was like my my shockers were opening up. Ship.
(01:51):
That sounds just like Janell. Wow, Wow, that does sound
like quite a breakthrough. Does Janelle meditate too? You said
she's into mindful as practices, right, Yeah, you should ask
her to meditate with you. Maybe you can build up
your sitting time together. So really good, I do. That's
what I'm here for. We're going to talk about my
anxiety and how it settled down over the last few weeks.
(02:14):
But then he kind of warns me that dis floating
on air filling can be a sign of hypomania. It's
kind of a sort of high energy early stage of
mania that feels really good and confidence boosting, bucking signal
a coming episode. Considering my recent behavior, I should keep
an eye on it and note if I feel too
damn excited or distracted. If it's not one thing, it's another.
(02:38):
But you know what, not even more diagnosis talk could
get me down right now. I've been through the break
now and I'm on the other side ship. I jump
(03:07):
up in bed, drenched and sweat. I almost slept through
my alarm. Today's the big day, the interview after school,
and then the bl M rally tonight. I meant to
go to good night's sleep, but I ended up staying
awake until four ADM, prepping my questions and watching Elliott
Wilson interviews. What was I dreaming about to have me
waking in the panic attack, I don't even remember. It
was some kind of searching dream I was lost in
(03:29):
looking for my friends and family. Maybe he was about
having feeling this past month. I leaped by the bed
and start gathering my stuff for school. It text me
a minutes even realized that I still did get up
with my alarm. I'm not running late. I don't have
to rush through all this. I sit in an upright
(03:53):
position on my bed with my feet planning on the floor.
I'm still I'll take a couple of deep rests. I
inhale and make sure my stomach expands like I'm filling
the bloom with air. And then I exhale and my
stomach starts to expand like I'm deflating a balloon. I
(04:14):
confront the anxiety attack head on and it begins to fade.
But even as it recedes, I still feel frustrated with myself. Damn.
This is what my therapist was talking about the other day, hypomania.
I've been writing so high, I've been agitated, haven't been
sleeping right, and now I'm waking up in cold sweats,
(04:35):
and my lack of sleep has impacted me on my
busiest day since well since viral villa him off balance
on edge. My mood is starting to swing. It's exhilarating
to stop and become aware of my mood and control
my emotions so clearly cognitive behavioral therapy, my therapist calls it.
But it's worrying in me too that this part of
(04:55):
my potential bipolar diagnosis is fit the pattern of my
recent behavior so well. Either way, I take another deep
breath and remind myself that I don't have to worry
about that, I don't have to pathologize my behavior. It's
like when I went to the villa. On some level,
I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I
did it anyway and accepted the consequences. And even if
(05:18):
it might have been a manic break it was a
personal breakthrough for me too. Both things can be true.
I have a level of confidence that I didn't have before.
I know that my parents just wanted me to be
honest with them, and my friends just wanted me to
stay humble. Now that I've claimed my power, that's what
I need to focus on, staying honest and humble. That
(05:40):
and chugg an extra large coffee. I'm feeling more centered again.
I head downstairs for breakfast and pounding that coffee, then
(06:00):
make my way out of the house and down to
the subway station and head to book a t. When
I get to school and walk into the busy hallway,
it's like a jot of adrenaline. All the energy of
everybody bustling around wakes me up properly, even more than
the coffee deal. This is the day Janelle and I
present here comes to break is our class project to
Audio Lab. I should have thought of that in my
panic this morning. Keep your grades did. If you're trying
(06:23):
to convince your parents that you got your life, figure
it out. Keep your grades decent, and then they'll believe you.
They'll believe me, I promise. I feel a pang of guilt,
but it subsides quickly. The truth is this particular grade
is for the podcast, and that's going great. I've got
(06:43):
nothing to worry about. We're gonna kick ass. And that's
exactly what we do. When we present to the class,
we explained the podcast format, content business model. Class already
knows the score. The word of the pot has been
spreading around school for months now, but our teacher is
very impressed. Our progress supports didn't go into details about
(07:04):
our listenership. There were more about the technical side of things,
so this is news to her. Then Janelle talks about
our editorial stance, our questions about the artistic process, self care,
and social activism, and she catches me by surprise by
suggesting to the class that we're reaching the point of
signing ad sponsors. That's a turnaround from last week. Shoot
(07:26):
her an impressed glance, and she flashes me one of
those winning smiles. After the presentation, the rest of the
day flies by. When the final bell rings, Danilla and
I meet up at the audio lab, and just like
last week, Marco joins us with time left over before
the interview starts Avengers as symbol. Damn, bro, do you
(07:50):
even stay at school to the closing bell anymore? You
got here fast? Do you really think that I would
sacrifice my public school education to visit this booge institution
you called school. I've got hometown broad Okay, we have
a few minutes before we're supposed to be online with
oom bus, so let's talk about these adds again. Settle
into my chair behind the mic while Marco leans against
(08:10):
the door. I'll just say it, you guys were right.
I have a lot of ideas, and I was enthusiastic
only about working with sponsors who prioritize the environment, the
ship that really matters. However, I know we're just starting
out and going the equal friendly route can be limiting.
I was just thinking of the pod and the contents
of the Class Project. Grooveen and I were doing focused
(08:31):
on that ideal presentation. But the class project is done
and we have to keep moving forward. Girl, you always
say the right thing. I'm gonna get us a great
sponsor and we'll incorporate the ads into all our existing episodes.
We're blowing up. Damn the way Janelle is able to
be so open minded and embrace change. I'm constantly overwhelmed
(08:51):
by all the other ships I got going on. I
make a mental note to ask relator about meditating together,
like my therapist suggested, And just then a window lights
up on Janell's can. Peter at the board ship looks
like oops calling in early. Janelle turns around the face
her workstation, and Marcop quiets down. I adjust my mic
can get ready for our last interview of the season.
Let's do this, okay? Bringing up online in three two one?
(09:22):
So my first question is, in an industry that's constantly
trying to define artists in your own words, can you
tell our listeners who is? Oh is I am? The
person is from Roxbury? I'm an artist, Auntie and sister
a friend. I'm an artist, you know, I think it
and feel it and I make it and I'm unafraid
(09:42):
to do so I think that's who I am. Roll.
But we only just met recently, but in my research,
I know you from your work and poetry, slam poetry.
Also I look at you like, I guess, like a
community leader. Like when I think of artists from Boston,
you're just one of those individuals that I can't say
Boston art with. You know, what's your experiences like working
(10:02):
with young people in the community. Oh yeah, So as
long as I can remember, I had an affinity for
working with young people. So like when I was a
young person, I was still working with young people. I
think I was like twelve something like that, eleven or twelve,
and I had all the kids in my neighborhood in
the playground, like teaching them how to box or teaching
the math, and they just you know, like playing like
school teacher, even as a young person. But it was
(10:24):
a nice way for free babysitting essentially, so I think
all the neighborhood moms appreciated it. And then when I
got my first set of summer jobs in the city,
they were all in youth and peer education. I think
that the goal for my mom for a long time
was that her kids would be eighteen. Like, I don't
think we really knew like a future future situation um
(10:46):
for ourselves. So it wasn't until I had this math
teacher in high school and then an English teacher about
tenth grade, and they really changed a lot for me
because they were the first people, I think who said, yo,
you could be something. You're very smart, you could be
something to find something that you want to do and
do it. And I was like, alright, cool, I don't
really know what I want to do. I really like,
you know, music, I really like poetry, but I didn't
(11:08):
know that people like me make careers out of it.
So it seems like you found it a little bit,
you know, in the middle of your high school career. Um.
What was it something from with him or maybe any
outside influences that you gravitated towards to fund the strength? Yeah.
I think honestly, the reason I stayed on the right
path it was because I needed a place to stay
at that time. So I stayed in college for that
(11:29):
reason primarily. And the reason why I stayed I think there,
why I did well and why I stayed alive was
I just felt like there was something bigger for me,
and that's something bigger. Was was was that art? Was
that activism? Actually, how do you balance between art and activism?
For my own sanity and my own piece. I haven't
been looking at the news and keeping inside of my
(11:51):
body the different names of black people who have been
killed by white supremacy and law enforcement. I haven't been
doing that, but it was really hard to not hear
George Floyd's name. And then I watched from Dave Chappelle
and at the end of that, I was like, man,
what if the only way for us to be truly
liberated as black people is to choose our own death
and to choose it before somebody else chooses it for us.
(12:13):
So that left me in this real crazy, just sad
place of like do I want to be here? And
then I was thinking, okay, my new deal for being here,
my new deal with God for being here, Like I
have to think about what it means for me to
be here on this earth. And for me it became like,
all right, I'm not going out to the protest. I'm
not gonna be reactive to white supremacy like white supremacy
(12:36):
does a thing. And now I have to protest. You know,
I'm still on white supremacies time, and I don't want
that for myself. So instead I was like, all right,
the best thing for me to do is take care
of the most central Black person, the most the person
who I'm most responsible for, and that's myself, and finally
focus on my healing, Finally focus on my spirituality, finally
focus on being my authentic self and loving myself truly
(12:59):
and even the people around me, loving my community which
includes so many different kinds of people. But like, don't
get it twisted. If the war needs to happen, you know,
if I have to get my life to this thing,
if that's where it has to go, I'm down for that.
But in the meantime, like until we're ready to push
that button, until that's ready to happen, I'm choosing peace,
I'm choosing love, and I'm choosing my healing for myself
and the people around me. That's what's gonna keep me
(13:20):
on this earth. So many of us, for different reasons,
live a whole life of service to everyone else and
everything else, and then we end up at seventy five
and all we did was give, and all we did
was live for other people, and it's like, how do
I take care of my people and keep liberation at
(13:40):
the center while also not losing the opportunity to live
my life and to live a life that I've been granted.
Um so in in in striking that balance. How have
you been taking care of yourself? Thank you for that question.
I think I've been focusing a lot on I know
I'm using air quotes now self care. Part of my
(14:00):
rest is my morning routine. I get up every day,
I go run, I take my time completely and at
different times every day. I run, I make my bed,
I drink, see, I meditate, I pray, I journal, I write.
And part of my process has been like making sure
that I'm put in creativity. It's a meeting of the
body of the mind in the spirit. Like my body,
(14:21):
I need to put it in the place so that
I can do the work, like I can honor my craft.
So every morning I work on my chat book and
poetry because I like to write poems before the sun
is up. Like that. That's your U, that's what up. Well.
I know when you drop your new work, we and
I know audience will be laiting. Thank you so much
for taking this time to be with us. We'll be
(14:43):
right back and now back to the show. And that's
a wrap on season one. Holy Ship. That interview, that
eat wow, I mean that was a dope interview. I
(15:04):
have to admit Ruben's back on his game lately. I mean,
he's really matured as an interviewer, even if he's completely
on his bullshit with that running a waist on he bowled.
This was our best interview yet, everything said about her
existence being an active service. I just I really need
to figure out my place in this movement. Do I march?
Do I write letters to my local government and police station?
(15:25):
Do I donate? It's really exhausting being woke or to
care about more beyond yourself. I know we planned on
attending the BLM rally today, but to be honest, I'm
just I'm scared. I know Marco and Reuben will be
joining me, but black girls aren't safe. I just can't
stop thinking about Brianna Taylor. I mean, she was in
the comfort of our own home and murdered. Maybe I
(15:47):
should just follow this lad and stay home. Maybe my
place isn't on the frontlines. Marco jumps off the studio
lab do or He's been leaning on in chimes in
did this dude just hear my thoughts? That was pretty
spooky for this gus protests. Considering we're all about to
go to a rally together. I feel my cheeks flush
Suddenly I'm self conscious. Do you guys don't want to go?
(16:08):
I mean, we don't have you know, I'm down. This
is how I'm celebrating closing out this season. Remember, yeah,
come on, Jay, you know you're the activists of the squad.
Why are you being all weird? Now? Be happy? Mon
g we just ended the season. Okay, I'm in. I'm in.
They're enthusiasm is reassuring for a second, but I'm still afraid.
(16:31):
It's been really tense in the city. It's our age
have been arrested, ended up missing, or pepper sprayed during
the marchis In protests. I can't back out now. I mean,
I'm the one who convinced Reuben to pitch this to
his parents, and Marco just always tags along. I feel
like I'm kind of their mama or something. This is
just a damn shame. Who's going to protect me? I'm
(16:53):
the woman in the situation. These guys better have my
back When something goes down tonight. We should get going.
It's gonna take a while to get on. The train
is at again h Fort Greene Park in Brooklyn. How
are they going to rush to me? I'm still exporting
the files from the recording session. Just give me a minute.
The session is exporting. Reuben throws his hands up, like,
all right, all right. I still can't wrap my head
(17:14):
around it. And when I first met this kid, he
was so timid. Then he completely wilds out, like out
of nowhere. But even when I first met him, and
he was so inside himself, he could tell there was
a lot going on underneath the surface. That's why I
called him over at lunch that day. They're the files
are ready. I fire off the copy so all three
(17:34):
of us can dig into the raw material later, and
I closed out the pro tool session. Now y'all can relax.
I'm ready. Now, we all gather up our backpacks and
make our way out of book or Team. Soon we're
on a train, and Reuben's right, it's a bit of
a long rack to Brooklyn. Still, this is kind of
like old times before Ruben's whole Villa drama, when we're
(17:57):
going out to shows together, when we were all about
the artists and the music. It was about logging in
interviews and not ads from sponsors. Of course, Marco was
on his phone promoting the season finale. He's always been
his own best hype man. Reuben lost in his own
head replaying the interview and critiquing himself. And then there's me.
(18:18):
I need to figure out what's my future and all
of this. Do I want to be more than a secretary?
Do I always want to be behind the scenes. I
want more. I have to decide which college I'm attending
in the fall. Will it be Spellman Howard Columbia or
Emmerson College in Boston. I still feel nervous about the rally,
being out there on the front lines, but I'm also
(18:39):
looking forward to tonight. It's important that we're showing solidarity
for the black lives and just they lost. This isn't
my first rally. Being out there in the streets with
other protesters makes me feel electric. I remember when I
returned home for my first rally. I was out there
fighting for justice for tray Von Martin. I was so
fired up, and to be so young. ILL never forget
(19:00):
that feeling. I never stopped chasing that feeling I lost
my voice by the time I got home after the
March for Justice. But when Upa talked about needing to
back away from all the news for healing and self care,
I felt that we've been asking artists about their activism
all season. But she talked about how her existence is
an act of resistance. That just blew my mind. I
(19:22):
turned to Reuben, are you thinking about the interview? That
was insane? She got me reevaluating my entire life right.
I'm just I'm speechless. When we get to the station,
we hear the crowd noise growing as we run up
the steps. On the far side of the park, there's
a stand on someone using a megaphone, but it's nothing
but a muffled noise from the end of the station.
(19:44):
We make our way into the rally. Margaret puts his
phone away for once and all three of us can
the intense energy. I feel a rush of adrenaline. There's
so many people gathering about, just enjoying the vibe. A
drum circle jams over by the monument in the center
valent here's a various activist groups handing up newsletters, bottled water,
and signing up new folks. Of the cause. It's nothing
(20:07):
like the news depicts. It's not chaotic, just alive. I
look around the edges of the park and see rows
of cops along the edges. I'm not gonna lie, it's
it's alimidating. Isn't necessary for all these cops to be
out here. There's plenty of space between them and the
rally though, no signs of kettling the protesters or people
throwing watterle bottles at them. I reassure myself that the
(20:31):
energy is positive tonight. Yeah, I'm glad we came out. Yeah.
I think a couple of my girls are going to
meet us here. I'm just waiting to see if they
text me. A group chance starts forming around us, and
I see Reuben and get approached by a twenty something
year old in a red T shirt with the clipboard.
(20:52):
I glanced over at Markow when he's got his phone
out again to taking video. I slip my phone out
to check for text and see nothing. So I raised
my fist, joining the chape and only last for a
minute before some of the crowds starts speeding up and
marching across the park. I look around for Reuben and
Marco again, just if they want to follow the crowd
(21:13):
or keep exploring the park. Marco emerged from the crowd,
tucking his phone back in his pocket. Where's Reuben learned
with that clipboard girl? If he has any sense? I
look around and find the red shirt quick enough, But
still no Ruben. Clipboard girl has moved on to chat
with the middle aged white guy the goat cheap ship.
Where the hell is he? Reuben? Marco sees clipboard girls too,
(21:38):
Still no Reuben. J chill, he probably want to take
a leak. We'll find him. Let's keep walking. I don't
have a good feeling about this. A black kid alone,
separated from his friends at the BLM protest. This it
can't be good. I have to find him. If he
doesn't REATO him home, his parents are going to freak
out and never trust me again. He's gonna be grounded
for life. What the hell he was just here? Did
(22:01):
he follow the crowd? I turned a three sixties scanning
for him, but nothing. What's going on in that boy's head?
How am I supposed to find Ruben when he's wearing
all black to Black Lives Matter March. Almost everyone is
dressed in black here. I play a coolful Marco, but
I can go a ball rising in my throat the
worst case scenarios just starting to play out of my head.
(22:23):
I pause, take a deep breath, don't for catch. You
know everything's gonna be fine. But I can tell by
the look at Marco's eyes he's concerned. To Reuben has
been acting out so much. What if a cup approached
him and he just snapped like the dude has a
lot of pent up anger. Where the hell is he?
I pick up my phone and I call him. His
(22:44):
phone goes straight to worse Now shit Ruben Ruby and
Now an exclusive track from UMPA featuring into Christopher Ow.
(23:18):
I don't know, yeah, top down, let's just take a
scenic round. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, you like nature last
I'm thin in the clown. They're calming down. We've got
(23:44):
a long, wide row and leaving is all I know.
Damn it. Don't speed through the night right slow right, slow,
eyes closed signs to slow for my master. Go and
go and go and go and go and go go.
(24:11):
I gotta everything you're doing to make you digging on
and how you be digging in my back like you're
looking for feeling that you feeling in your grass. Every
time I try to quit, you come with it. I'll relax.
Need me another hit U buck fifty. I'm here and
(24:32):
gas for She said it uge. You don't even have
to ask for for girls said. We don't even need
no passports. We could take a flight if you ain't
afraid of heights where we're going on tonight, you don't
need no boy, the mass you're don't know if I'm
swimming now, don't know if I'm drawing to know. I
know what's that I'm kicking. The notion is all around me.
Tell me that she loved me. Boy, I know it's
something bigger than cameras. Is gonna be quick and we'll
see you in the bigger pictures. I don't know what
(24:54):
to do. I know she want me calm with that
so good. I'm forgetting that as wrong as it worth it.
I know many work it, but I got a goal confessional.
I'm wrestless. I guess it best high. I got a
(25:15):
bus somewhere down the way to go and go and go.
We go, he goes and he go go and go
go Sta gop and go got go. Everything will make
(25:36):
a chose one where you Don't Want to Go Child,
(25:58):
Where You Wanting Here Comes to Break is produced by
Double Elvis and partnership with I Heart Radio Executive produced
by Deaf Jam Recordings Executive produced by and starring Asanti
Black Is Ruben, Produced by Daniella Perkins who plays Janelle,
Bobby cs Is Marco, Christopher V. Edwards as Dad, Raymie
(26:21):
Cornell is Mom, and Taylor Bettenson. Written by Taylor Bettenson
and the Kia Hill Artist Interviews conducted by Nikia Hill,
directed by Christopher V. Edwards, mixed and edited by Matt
Ta Hainey, Sound recording by Colin Fleming Music Elements and
production by Ryan's Breaker. Additional production support by Jamie Demons.
Executive produced by Jake Brennan and Grady Sadler for Double Elvis.
(26:44):
Special thanks to Orin Rosenbaum, Shelby Shankman, Sarah Cone and
Jordan Garrellic United Talent Agency, Beck Comedian Marketing, Barack Moffatt
and Universal Music Group, Rich Isaacson, Lind Gonzalez, Charlene Thomas,
Marissa Pizarro, Real Cicerrierio, Jessica Manarino and Nya Flemt at
Deaf Gym Recordings and Conald Burn, Carrie Lieberman, Will Pearson,
(27:08):
Noel Brown, and the entire I Heeart Media team to
hear bonus content, meet the cast, and go behind the
scenes of Here It Comes to Break. Follow with double
Elvis on Instagram or visit double elvis dot com.