October 29, 2021 • 15 mins
The holidays are coming, and for many it’s a time of dread. But if everything from politics to the pandemic has you feuding with parents and siblings, Dr. Saltz has practical advice on how to soothe feelings and preserve those all-important relationships.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Thanksgiving is a time
when basically every American, regardless of religion, celebrates the holiday.
The holiday is centered around being together with family and
sharing time and a meal together because it is the
(00:50):
family day of the year. When there is family from
who you are estranged, potentially you tend to feel the
hurt and the loss more acutely. Similarly, when there is
family for whom you have tremendous anger and hostility, coming
together for the holiday can be excruciatingly stressful. So today
(01:14):
I'm answering a question from a listener about how to
handle a difficult situation in the family as Thanksgiving approaches.
Many family members in this country have had some sort
of falling out where they no longer have contact. Many
siblings have become stranged. Adult children no longer speak to
(01:37):
their parents, even excess can be completely emotionally separate despite
having children in common. Siblings are a unique and wonderful relationship.
They are your peers, yet your family, and they really
get where you came from. But siblings can have a
(02:00):
litill falling out over care for aging parents, fighting over
a parents will, siding after a parent's divorce, or even
slow drifting apart after a lack of a bond forming
when they grew up. I have seen numerous people where
they have not spoken to their sibling for many years.
(02:22):
Adult children can also have a rupture in their relationship
with their parents because they cannot negotiate the changes that
occur when the child grows up and now have different
points of view from their parents. Sometimes the terms of
a divorce are so horrible that former spouses cannot find
(02:44):
any kind of relationship, and despite having children together, they
cannot find any kind of relationship between them. It is
true that some relationships are so totally destructive to one
or both parties that it is better not to have
one at all. However, many more people have split for
(03:08):
reasons that could be worked on and bettered if they
would let themselves realize how much the relationship really matters
to them. Sadly, I have seen many people who later
in life have woken up to realize that they have
lost out on an important person in their life, and
(03:29):
now most of their life has gone by. Don't let
this be you. Siblings, parents, and even x is with
whom you have shared a lot of life, or your
children are valuable and enriching parts of your life. You
(03:50):
share a life narrative with some people that, no matter what,
you can't share with someone else because of the length
of time, because of the stages of life that you
knew them in. Whether it is something specific you have
argued over and become estranged about, or whether you have
(04:10):
simply drifted apart. There is no better time than the
present to work towards reconciliation, and the holiday may provide
just such an occasion. So with that, let's turn to
my listeners question and ask how can I help dear
(04:33):
doctor Salts. My adult brother and I have handled a
number of issues related to the pandemic very differently in
a way. This is not really that surprising because we
have for many years not necessarily seen eye to eye
on things like politics or ways to raise our kids.
(04:56):
Or how much to be involved with mom and dad.
But we have always come together for family holidays, and
though it can be tense, sometimes we manage and it
feels important. But this year we have had some really
big blowouts, mostly related to my unwillingness to get together
(05:21):
or be unmasked with my parents, who I fear putting
at risk of COVID, and my brother's feeling that I
was being ridiculous and overly afraid, and my feeling that
he was being careless and putting us all at risk.
With Thanksgiving coming up, I'm really distraught about what to do.
(05:45):
I do feel at this point, with my family all
vaccinated and my parents vaccinated and boosters and rates in
our area being pretty low, that it is okay to
get together, But it now feels so tenuous With my brother.
We have said harsh things to each other, and to
(06:06):
be honest, I'm still angry, and I can tell so
is he. If politics come up, there is bound to
be a blow up. If how to handle the pandemic
comes up, I think the same will happen. I feel
very torn. Not having them would be a real break
(06:29):
with every year preceding it, and I feel like it
would be a statement of our not being able to
get along, but having them feel scary and awful. Can
you help me? Even before the pandemic, issues of family
discord can really get heightened at holiday time because it
(06:52):
feels like it's supposed to be and historically has been
a time of being together expressing a lot of family love,
and any unloving feelings therefore can feel extremely discordant. Even
though the reality is that most families have some disagreements,
(07:14):
it likely matters a lot to not only you but
your parents that for this occasion you do come together
and that you still are able to be a family.
I would advise you to start talking to your brother
now today in a non on the offense and non
(07:38):
on the defense sort of way. That means avoid saying
things like you said this or I am mad at this,
but instead saying things like, how can we be together?
I want to be together, and rather than going back
(07:58):
and rehashing the year and the hurt, establish a few
ground rules to make it a higher likelihood of success
for the day. How can I help with Dr Gail
Salts will be back after this short break. If you
(08:23):
say to your brother, Hey, whatever's gone on? I love you,
and I want us to be able to have this relationship.
So let's not wait till the day where we have
a lower probability of things working out. But let's talk
about how we can work it out. So meet for coffee,
have a phone call. Start with you love him and
(08:47):
he is your brother. You want to be together as
a family for the holiday. Ask him if he would
like this too, Because of course, at the end of
the day, it does take two to tango. Acknowledge that
you have differences. And however, on this day, and by
the way, I would not make it for longer than
(09:09):
an afternoon and dinner at most. Pressing it with more
and more time together is likely to make it not
go well. But that this is a day, and on
this day you can agree to not air your big differences.
That perhaps you can have dinner with no discussion of
(09:30):
politics and not a discussion of the pandemic, and just
agree to have certain topics that you won't talk about.
Then I would really advise you to come armed with
some topics that are good to talk about. They could
be really mundane, like what are you liking watching on
television these days? Or what do you think about I
(09:53):
don't know global warming if you know that's not going
to be a particularly hot button topic. Or tell me
about what what's going on with your job. Basically, come
up with a list of good things to talk about
where you don't have major issues of disagreement. Talk about
how you'll talk about those in advance. Tell your parents
(10:15):
the ground rules because they can help or they can hurt,
And it's really important to have everybody a little bit
get on board with the helping. Explain that keeping the
piece is really the goal of this meal, so that
you can enjoy the positive aspects of the relationship. Tell
(10:37):
your kids, which I'm assuming at this point from what
you're saying, are old enough to understand, Hey, we're not
going to bring up the election. We're not going to
bring up what happened in the past with the vaccine.
Sometimes you can explain to them we make crown rules
because in the long run it's better for the relationship.
(10:58):
Explain this as putting the relationship in front, prioritizing him
and your love for him. This is something that everybody
can understand, including yourself. These preset talks can lay the
groundwork for having a good dinner. It will also tell
(11:19):
you in these pre talks if he's willing to make
any concession at all for the day, obviously, if he
is unwilling to steer clear of the things that are
likely to set you all off, and he is only
willing to come under the guys that you agree with
him on these topics that you obviously don't agree with
him on, then that will tell you that perhaps this
(11:42):
isn't going to be doable, and frankly, it's better to
be forewarned and set up something different for the day.
But I would say that if you lead with your
love for him and your wish that you do want
to spend time with him and have it be pleasant
for both of you, this is likely to be more doable,
(12:04):
and you are extending an olive branch to do so
and avoiding a toxic experience for everyone. I hope that
was helpful. It is never too late. Many people stop
themselves from trying to either reconcile or make a relationship
(12:26):
better one because they feel it has been too long
a period of time and so there is no hope
or no point where it's not worth it. But this
could not be more untrue. Usually, what it takes is
one person reaching out to the other to break the ice,
(12:47):
and then you'll be moving towards a relationship. So, no
matter how long it's been, I really urge you to
try once again to extend that olive branch and say, hey,
I know it's been a long time, but I'd like
to try to find our way back. Can we try
to make this work. Next, make the first move. Often
(13:12):
anger and pride get in the way of taking the
first step, and somebody has to take the first step
or nothing ever happens. You would be shocked how often
just making the first call or writing the first letter
is responded to with oh, I am really glad you
called or emailed I have been thinking about you too.
(13:36):
Of course, at some point it must be a two
way street, and if the other person won't allow you
back in, then of course it won't work. But usually
it has more to do with starting a process than
not being able to complete one. Next, take responsibility for
(13:57):
your part. It always takes two to tango, and somewhere
in what happened you own a part of it. So
rather than being defensive or accusatory, it's always helpful to
own up for your part of it. This will pave
the way for hurts to be overcome and progress forward
to be made. Keep the door open. Sometimes the other
(14:21):
person may not be able to respond right away to
your olive branch. This does not mean that they will
never be able to. They may just need to mull
over your gesture for a little while and then respond.
So if they don't immediately, try not to get angry
(14:41):
and chew them out in the moment. Tell them you
understand they have to think about it, and you are
there if they can talk later. If you leave the
door open, they may come through it later. And lastly,
discuss stressful issues before the holidays. If the problem is
(15:04):
more that something has been brewing between you, do not
leave it until the big day, where the tension is
already high and you will likely blow up on that
day and ruin it for everyone. Meet before and discuss
the tough issue so that it will at least have
been discussed and you may be able to put it
(15:26):
aside for the holiday and enjoy what you can of
each other. Do you have a problem I can help with?
If so, email me yet how can I help? At
Seneca women dot com. All centers remain anonymous and listen
every Friday too. How can I help with me Dr
(15:46):
Gail's salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Thanksgiving is a time
when basically every American, regardless of religion, celebrates the holiday.
The holiday is centered around being together with family and
sharing time and a meal together because it is the
(00:50):
family day of the year. When there is family from
who you are estranged, potentially you tend to feel the
hurt and the loss more acutely. Similarly, when there is
family for whom you have tremendous anger and hostility, coming
together for the holiday can be excruciatingly stressful. So today
(01:14):
I'm answering a question from a listener about how to
handle a difficult situation in the family as Thanksgiving approaches.
Many family members in this country have had some sort
of falling out where they no longer have contact. Many
siblings have become stranged. Adult children no longer speak to
(01:37):
their parents, even excess can be completely emotionally separate despite
having children in common. Siblings are a unique and wonderful relationship.
They are your peers, yet your family, and they really
get where you came from. But siblings can have a
(02:00):
litill falling out over care for aging parents, fighting over
a parents will, siding after a parent's divorce, or even
slow drifting apart after a lack of a bond forming
when they grew up. I have seen numerous people where
they have not spoken to their sibling for many years.
(02:22):
Adult children can also have a rupture in their relationship
with their parents because they cannot negotiate the changes that
occur when the child grows up and now have different
points of view from their parents. Sometimes the terms of
a divorce are so horrible that former spouses cannot find
(02:44):
any kind of relationship, and despite having children together, they
cannot find any kind of relationship between them. It is
true that some relationships are so totally destructive to one
or both parties that it is better not to have
one at all. However, many more people have split for
(03:08):
reasons that could be worked on and bettered if they
would let themselves realize how much the relationship really matters
to them. Sadly, I have seen many people who later
in life have woken up to realize that they have
lost out on an important person in their life, and
(03:29):
now most of their life has gone by. Don't let
this be you. Siblings, parents, and even x is with
whom you have shared a lot of life, or your
children are valuable and enriching parts of your life. You
(03:50):
share a life narrative with some people that, no matter what,
you can't share with someone else because of the length
of time, because of the stages of life that you
knew them in. Whether it is something specific you have
argued over and become estranged about, or whether you have
(04:10):
simply drifted apart. There is no better time than the
present to work towards reconciliation, and the holiday may provide
just such an occasion. So with that, let's turn to
my listeners question and ask how can I help dear
(04:33):
doctor Salts. My adult brother and I have handled a
number of issues related to the pandemic very differently in
a way. This is not really that surprising because we
have for many years not necessarily seen eye to eye
on things like politics or ways to raise our kids.
(04:56):
Or how much to be involved with mom and dad.
But we have always come together for family holidays, and
though it can be tense, sometimes we manage and it
feels important. But this year we have had some really
big blowouts, mostly related to my unwillingness to get together
(05:21):
or be unmasked with my parents, who I fear putting
at risk of COVID, and my brother's feeling that I
was being ridiculous and overly afraid, and my feeling that
he was being careless and putting us all at risk.
With Thanksgiving coming up, I'm really distraught about what to do.
(05:45):
I do feel at this point, with my family all
vaccinated and my parents vaccinated and boosters and rates in
our area being pretty low, that it is okay to
get together, But it now feels so tenuous With my brother.
We have said harsh things to each other, and to
(06:06):
be honest, I'm still angry, and I can tell so
is he. If politics come up, there is bound to
be a blow up. If how to handle the pandemic
comes up, I think the same will happen. I feel
very torn. Not having them would be a real break
(06:29):
with every year preceding it, and I feel like it
would be a statement of our not being able to
get along, but having them feel scary and awful. Can
you help me? Even before the pandemic, issues of family
discord can really get heightened at holiday time because it
(06:52):
feels like it's supposed to be and historically has been
a time of being together expressing a lot of family love,
and any unloving feelings therefore can feel extremely discordant. Even
though the reality is that most families have some disagreements,
(07:14):
it likely matters a lot to not only you but
your parents that for this occasion you do come together
and that you still are able to be a family.
I would advise you to start talking to your brother
now today in a non on the offense and non
(07:38):
on the defense sort of way. That means avoid saying
things like you said this or I am mad at this,
but instead saying things like, how can we be together?
I want to be together, and rather than going back
(07:58):
and rehashing the year and the hurt, establish a few
ground rules to make it a higher likelihood of success
for the day. How can I help with Dr Gail
Salts will be back after this short break. If you
(08:23):
say to your brother, Hey, whatever's gone on? I love you,
and I want us to be able to have this relationship.
So let's not wait till the day where we have
a lower probability of things working out. But let's talk
about how we can work it out. So meet for coffee,
have a phone call. Start with you love him and
(08:47):
he is your brother. You want to be together as
a family for the holiday. Ask him if he would
like this too, Because of course, at the end of
the day, it does take two to tango. Acknowledge that
you have differences. And however, on this day, and by
the way, I would not make it for longer than
(09:09):
an afternoon and dinner at most. Pressing it with more
and more time together is likely to make it not
go well. But that this is a day, and on
this day you can agree to not air your big differences.
That perhaps you can have dinner with no discussion of
(09:30):
politics and not a discussion of the pandemic, and just
agree to have certain topics that you won't talk about.
Then I would really advise you to come armed with
some topics that are good to talk about. They could
be really mundane, like what are you liking watching on
television these days? Or what do you think about I
(09:53):
don't know global warming if you know that's not going
to be a particularly hot button topic. Or tell me
about what what's going on with your job. Basically, come
up with a list of good things to talk about
where you don't have major issues of disagreement. Talk about
how you'll talk about those in advance. Tell your parents
(10:15):
the ground rules because they can help or they can hurt,
And it's really important to have everybody a little bit
get on board with the helping. Explain that keeping the
piece is really the goal of this meal, so that
you can enjoy the positive aspects of the relationship. Tell
(10:37):
your kids, which I'm assuming at this point from what
you're saying, are old enough to understand, Hey, we're not
going to bring up the election. We're not going to
bring up what happened in the past with the vaccine.
Sometimes you can explain to them we make crown rules
because in the long run it's better for the relationship.
(10:58):
Explain this as putting the relationship in front, prioritizing him
and your love for him. This is something that everybody
can understand, including yourself. These preset talks can lay the
groundwork for having a good dinner. It will also tell
(11:19):
you in these pre talks if he's willing to make
any concession at all for the day, obviously, if he
is unwilling to steer clear of the things that are
likely to set you all off, and he is only
willing to come under the guys that you agree with
him on these topics that you obviously don't agree with
him on, then that will tell you that perhaps this
(11:42):
isn't going to be doable, and frankly, it's better to
be forewarned and set up something different for the day.
But I would say that if you lead with your
love for him and your wish that you do want
to spend time with him and have it be pleasant
for both of you, this is likely to be more doable,
(12:04):
and you are extending an olive branch to do so
and avoiding a toxic experience for everyone. I hope that
was helpful. It is never too late. Many people stop
themselves from trying to either reconcile or make a relationship
(12:26):
better one because they feel it has been too long
a period of time and so there is no hope
or no point where it's not worth it. But this
could not be more untrue. Usually, what it takes is
one person reaching out to the other to break the ice,
(12:47):
and then you'll be moving towards a relationship. So, no
matter how long it's been, I really urge you to
try once again to extend that olive branch and say, hey,
I know it's been a long time, but I'd like
to try to find our way back. Can we try
to make this work. Next, make the first move. Often
(13:12):
anger and pride get in the way of taking the
first step, and somebody has to take the first step
or nothing ever happens. You would be shocked how often
just making the first call or writing the first letter
is responded to with oh, I am really glad you
called or emailed I have been thinking about you too.
(13:36):
Of course, at some point it must be a two
way street, and if the other person won't allow you
back in, then of course it won't work. But usually
it has more to do with starting a process than
not being able to complete one. Next, take responsibility for
(13:57):
your part. It always takes two to tango, and somewhere
in what happened you own a part of it. So
rather than being defensive or accusatory, it's always helpful to
own up for your part of it. This will pave
the way for hurts to be overcome and progress forward
to be made. Keep the door open. Sometimes the other
(14:21):
person may not be able to respond right away to
your olive branch. This does not mean that they will
never be able to. They may just need to mull
over your gesture for a little while and then respond.
So if they don't immediately, try not to get angry
(14:41):
and chew them out in the moment. Tell them you
understand they have to think about it, and you are
there if they can talk later. If you leave the
door open, they may come through it later. And lastly,
discuss stressful issues before the holidays. If the problem is
(15:04):
more that something has been brewing between you, do not
leave it until the big day, where the tension is
already high and you will likely blow up on that
day and ruin it for everyone. Meet before and discuss
the tough issue so that it will at least have
been discussed and you may be able to put it
(15:26):
aside for the holiday and enjoy what you can of
each other. Do you have a problem I can help with?
If so, email me yet how can I help? At
Seneca women dot com. All centers remain anonymous and listen
every Friday too. How can I help with me Dr
(15:46):
Gail's salts
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