November 5, 2021 • 17 mins
It’s not your imagination: These days people are more irritable, angry and aggressive in public—including on plane flights. Dr. Saltz tells a listener how to cope when faced with this kind of bad behavior.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. I think it's clear
that there have been more incidents of angry outbursts and
aggressive behavior in number and in places that we typically
had not seen before. Planes, road rage, restaurants and stores, hospitals,
(00:51):
sporting events, and yes, even social media. Today, I'm answering
a question from a listener who was wondering what to
do in situations faced with someone's bad behavior. What we
are witnessing is a rise of anger and irritability in
numerous people, people having less impulse control and at times
(01:17):
driven by an amorphous wish for revenge. The culminates in
the outburst, which is the aggressive behavior. The pandemic has
unleashed continued high stress response to trauma. Trauma about the
pandemic losses. People have had financial strains, systemic racism, political
(01:42):
divide and lots of ensuing drama, and of course there's
also the ongoing uncertainty about the future. This has driven
a pandemic of mental health issues such as a steep
rise and anxiety disorders and mood disorders. High levels of
(02:05):
anxiety and depression can absolutely increase chronic anger and increase impulsivity. Basically,
everyone's use is a lot shorter. The other huge ingredient
is a lowering of the level of what's considered socially
(02:26):
acceptable behavior due to modeling by leaders who are authority
figures that often set the tone for what is considered
civilized and acceptable behavior. We have had a few years
now of leaders with name calling, being belligerent, bullying, expressing
(02:48):
a lack of empathy, even being vengeful and rageful in
public forums, online and in person. The result is that
everyone feels the bar drop for what seems acceptable for
modeling the behavior and is desensitized to that behavior that
(03:11):
previously would have seemed outrageous to themselves and therefore they
would have felt internally inhibited from doing, but now feel
like it's okay. This dangerous combination has unleashed many people
to not contain their anger, to be quick to have
(03:32):
their temper flare, to be disinhibited, and even feel justified
in taking it out on someone else. High anxiety makes
people feel like the world is a dangerous place and
they have to fight to survive. In fact, they are
justified in fighting. And whether that high anxiety is actually
(03:58):
happening because of something happening, or whether it's just the
signal going off in their body that makes it feel
like something is happening, doesn't matter. It still turns on
that fight response. Oftentimes, the place they blow up is
really displaced from another place where they feel hopeless and
(04:21):
out of control, which drives them to feel in control
somewhere like the situation they are raging at. The FAA
has received over four thousand, seven hundred complaints about passenger
behavior this year and has imposed about one million dollars
(04:42):
in civil finds this year. Non Compliance with the federal
mask mandate seems to be fueling many of the problems.
The f a A notes that the majority of the
cases involve conflicts over the mass requirement. On in April twelfth,
Jet Blue Airways flight from Boston to Orlando, for instance,
(05:06):
a woman refused to comply with the face mask mandate,
shout at obscenities at the flight crew, and after a
seated passenger objected to being bumped into, punched the passenger
in the face. A large number of outbursts are from
passengers who are drinking alcohol. Some passengers are bringing alcohol
(05:28):
onto flights even though it's not permitted. Others are drinking
before their flight and then continue on the flight. Most
flights are still going off without a hitch, and that's
important to keep in mind. But when a passenger does
become belligerent or worse yet physically combative, where does that
(05:51):
leave the other passengers? It can feel pretty traumatic and
disturbing to be trapped in the air with an aggressive,
out of control an even violent person, and people around
the offender are finding themselves trying to figure out either
how to diffuse the situation, or how to get away
(06:13):
or how to stop them, all of which are exceedingly
difficult to do. It can feel scary, angering, and out
of control to be a bystander, and for some people
it makes them feel pretty leerious flying again, it's all
that and more for the flight crew that is often
(06:35):
the person being treated badly. How can I help with Dr?
Gail Salts will be back after this short break. Let's
turn to my listeners question and see how can I help,
(06:59):
dear doctor Salts. I finally decided that I felt safe
enough to fly as I'm vaccinated, and I decided to
go see my mother, who I hadn't seen for a
while due to COVID and fears about exposing myself and
exposing her. During my flight, another passenger kept having his
(07:20):
mask below his nose, and the cabin crew kept telling
him to pull it up to wear it properly. I
was nervous that I could see every time the crew
passed by he would pull his mask down again, but
I was also afraid to say something as he was
already being angry with the steward. Then at some point,
(07:43):
the steward told him yet another time that he was
required to wear the mask over his mouth and nose,
and he got furious and started shouting and saying terrible things,
standing up and being in the cabin crew's face. I
was really petrified, and I didn't know what to do.
(08:04):
They told him to sit down or to risk being
on a no fly this airline list, and he did
sit down and he stopped, but he remained verbally grumbly
and angry, and I could hear him through much of
the flight. I felt panicky for the rest of the trip.
My heart was racing. I really could not calm myself down.
(08:30):
My flight home was fine, actually, but now I feel
more scared about flying, Like, what the heck do I
do if I have another situation like that? Is it
worth flying at all? I keep remembering the scene, how
angry he was, how hopeless I felt, and just thinking
(08:51):
about it makes me nervous. But I can't see my
mom unless I fly, and so then I think I've
got to fly and I've got to get over this.
How can I feel less afraid? Flying seems to be
one of the places people can become apprehensive about. Fear
(09:13):
of flying is one of the most common phobias. Usually,
fear of flying has to do with the fear of
an accident, occurring a storm, causing turbulence, or getting sick
on a plane, but having a bad experience on a
plane can set off a fear of being in the
(09:34):
same situation, and unfortunately, the more you avoid actually flying,
the greater the fear can grow. Because avoiding the flight
temporarily reduces your anxiety and this relief reinforces your fear.
(09:55):
So the first thing that I would suggest is do
not avoid flying. In fact, in some ways, the sooner
you get back on a plane the better because it
will help your fear to decrease by being back on
a flight. But this time when you fly, you need
(10:16):
to do some things to relax as you fly. So
that might be listening to music and blotting out what
other people are saying, watching a funny movie with headphones
in again, so what you're hearing is relaxing for you.
Doing some slow, deep breathing exercises intermittently during the flight,
(10:40):
and doing some deep muscle relaxation as well during the
flight to keep your body relaxed. The more that you
can relax and have a decent experience, the better for
diminishing this fear going forward. Avoid using alcohol as your
method of relaxing. This can start a problem of needing
(11:02):
to drink on flights, which isn't the best coping tool.
But your situation is somewhat unique in that you watched
what is becoming an all too frequent issue of bad
behavior in public places on a plane. You're really trapped
in a small public place and just can't leave the scene,
(11:26):
which in other circumstances might be the best course of action.
So what can you do? As a rule, let the
expert flight attendants handle any problems, do everything possible to
stay out of it. You are not responsible for what
(11:47):
others are doing, and the last thing you want to
do is become potentially part of an altercation. The flight
could be diverted, and both you and the offending passenger
could be impacted. It is a very very easy way
to ruin your trip in the least, so don't escalate
(12:08):
things and get yourself permanently tossed off a flight next
follow directions of the airline staff, because the truth is,
if you don't comply, you could be fine. If they
need you to move to handle the situation, then help
them by moving. If it's the passenger next to you
(12:30):
who's getting upset, try not to inflame the situation, but
instead what I would advise, if you feel on the spot,
try using empathic language, like rather than reacting with confrontation
because you can't leave, making note that you see that
they are angry, something like I'm sorry you feel angry.
(12:53):
Just saying something like that that actually is empathic and
makes note of what's happening can diffuse the situation. Feels
as though you are sympathizing even if you really are not.
Avoiding alcohol before or on your flight is a good
idea because it can cloud your thinking and it can
fuel getting involved or having an outburst yourself. It will
(13:16):
not help you, but it could hurt you personally. If
you feel your own temporizing, try taking some deep paste
breaths or focusing on relaxing your muscles, because when you're
super angry or anxious, it's hard to use your judgment
and think rationally. Relaxing your body hopefully can relax your mind.
(13:43):
You unfortunately, as I said, can't leave the scene, but
you can go a little more into yourself, a little
more into your own body as a way of coping.
Generally speaking, one way to handle yourself when you feel angry,
and to also handle others is simply to take a beat,
(14:05):
say to yourself, let me count to ten, and then
ask myself, how would I want to be treated if
the other person were me. It's basically employing the Golden rule.
Treating others, no matter how you're feeling, the way you
would want to be treated. Often goes a long way
(14:26):
in diffusing the situation. I hope that was helpful. I
wish this rise and bad behavior we're going away soon.
But unfortunately, the more we see it, and due to
the constant social media attention, the more it seems like
everyone is doing it, and this just desensitizes us to
(14:51):
the acceptability of acting this way. So other than discussing
how we all need to treat each other with respect
and kindness even and stressful times, there is no plus
in recording it or sharing it on social media. In fact,
social media is yet another place where there has been
(15:11):
a rise in bad behavior, with name calling and bullying.
What is helpful is really to point out that it
is fear, stress, high anxiety, all driving, anger, and aggressive behavior.
Places that serve alcohol are often making matters worse because
(15:32):
alcohol is disinhibiting and therefore you have a tendency to
see more bad behavior. So planes, sporting events, and bars
the risk is increased due to alcohol service. There do
need to be consequences that are known ahead of time
to people to dissuade them, like you will lose the
(15:55):
ability to come back to this event again, or you
won't be able to fly on this airline. Again, if
those sorts of things are made clear and carried through,
it probably will reduce outbursts in the long run. We
need to help more people develop coping skills to decrease
their own stress and anxiety and anger through relaxation techniques
(16:21):
and through self talk aimed at diffusing the anger in
their minds. We need leaders to change their tone. It's
okay to be assertive, but there's a difference between assertive
and aggressive. It's important for them to show that they
can play fair and above the belt and to model
(16:45):
moral and civil behavior. These are the bases on which
civilized societies operate, and we need to help everyone to
take a beat, take a moment, or you would behave
and say to yourself, how would I want to be
treated in this situation? And then behave accordingly? How would
(17:09):
you want to be written about or tweeted about? How
would you, as the health care worker, restaurant server, cabin
crew member want to be treated? Then, after you thought
about it, that's when you can open your mouth. Do
you have a problem I can help with? If so,
(17:31):
email me yet? How can I help? At Seneca women
dot Com, all centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
How can I help with me Dr Gail's Salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. I think it's clear
that there have been more incidents of angry outbursts and
aggressive behavior in number and in places that we typically
had not seen before. Planes, road rage, restaurants and stores, hospitals,
(00:51):
sporting events, and yes, even social media. Today, I'm answering
a question from a listener who was wondering what to
do in situations faced with someone's bad behavior. What we
are witnessing is a rise of anger and irritability in
numerous people, people having less impulse control and at times
(01:17):
driven by an amorphous wish for revenge. The culminates in
the outburst, which is the aggressive behavior. The pandemic has
unleashed continued high stress response to trauma. Trauma about the
pandemic losses. People have had financial strains, systemic racism, political
(01:42):
divide and lots of ensuing drama, and of course there's
also the ongoing uncertainty about the future. This has driven
a pandemic of mental health issues such as a steep
rise and anxiety disorders and mood disorders. High levels of
(02:05):
anxiety and depression can absolutely increase chronic anger and increase impulsivity. Basically,
everyone's use is a lot shorter. The other huge ingredient
is a lowering of the level of what's considered socially
(02:26):
acceptable behavior due to modeling by leaders who are authority
figures that often set the tone for what is considered
civilized and acceptable behavior. We have had a few years
now of leaders with name calling, being belligerent, bullying, expressing
(02:48):
a lack of empathy, even being vengeful and rageful in
public forums, online and in person. The result is that
everyone feels the bar drop for what seems acceptable for
modeling the behavior and is desensitized to that behavior that
(03:11):
previously would have seemed outrageous to themselves and therefore they
would have felt internally inhibited from doing, but now feel
like it's okay. This dangerous combination has unleashed many people
to not contain their anger, to be quick to have
(03:32):
their temper flare, to be disinhibited, and even feel justified
in taking it out on someone else. High anxiety makes
people feel like the world is a dangerous place and
they have to fight to survive. In fact, they are
justified in fighting. And whether that high anxiety is actually
(03:58):
happening because of something happening, or whether it's just the
signal going off in their body that makes it feel
like something is happening, doesn't matter. It still turns on
that fight response. Oftentimes, the place they blow up is
really displaced from another place where they feel hopeless and
(04:21):
out of control, which drives them to feel in control
somewhere like the situation they are raging at. The FAA
has received over four thousand, seven hundred complaints about passenger
behavior this year and has imposed about one million dollars
(04:42):
in civil finds this year. Non Compliance with the federal
mask mandate seems to be fueling many of the problems.
The f a A notes that the majority of the
cases involve conflicts over the mass requirement. On in April twelfth,
Jet Blue Airways flight from Boston to Orlando, for instance,
(05:06):
a woman refused to comply with the face mask mandate,
shout at obscenities at the flight crew, and after a
seated passenger objected to being bumped into, punched the passenger
in the face. A large number of outbursts are from
passengers who are drinking alcohol. Some passengers are bringing alcohol
(05:28):
onto flights even though it's not permitted. Others are drinking
before their flight and then continue on the flight. Most
flights are still going off without a hitch, and that's
important to keep in mind. But when a passenger does
become belligerent or worse yet physically combative, where does that
(05:51):
leave the other passengers? It can feel pretty traumatic and
disturbing to be trapped in the air with an aggressive,
out of control an even violent person, and people around
the offender are finding themselves trying to figure out either
how to diffuse the situation, or how to get away
(06:13):
or how to stop them, all of which are exceedingly
difficult to do. It can feel scary, angering, and out
of control to be a bystander, and for some people
it makes them feel pretty leerious flying again, it's all
that and more for the flight crew that is often
(06:35):
the person being treated badly. How can I help with Dr?
Gail Salts will be back after this short break. Let's
turn to my listeners question and see how can I help,
(06:59):
dear doctor Salts. I finally decided that I felt safe
enough to fly as I'm vaccinated, and I decided to
go see my mother, who I hadn't seen for a
while due to COVID and fears about exposing myself and
exposing her. During my flight, another passenger kept having his
(07:20):
mask below his nose, and the cabin crew kept telling
him to pull it up to wear it properly. I
was nervous that I could see every time the crew
passed by he would pull his mask down again, but
I was also afraid to say something as he was
already being angry with the steward. Then at some point,
(07:43):
the steward told him yet another time that he was
required to wear the mask over his mouth and nose,
and he got furious and started shouting and saying terrible things,
standing up and being in the cabin crew's face. I
was really petrified, and I didn't know what to do.
(08:04):
They told him to sit down or to risk being
on a no fly this airline list, and he did
sit down and he stopped, but he remained verbally grumbly
and angry, and I could hear him through much of
the flight. I felt panicky for the rest of the trip.
My heart was racing. I really could not calm myself down.
(08:30):
My flight home was fine, actually, but now I feel
more scared about flying, Like, what the heck do I
do if I have another situation like that? Is it
worth flying at all? I keep remembering the scene, how
angry he was, how hopeless I felt, and just thinking
(08:51):
about it makes me nervous. But I can't see my
mom unless I fly, and so then I think I've
got to fly and I've got to get over this.
How can I feel less afraid? Flying seems to be
one of the places people can become apprehensive about. Fear
(09:13):
of flying is one of the most common phobias. Usually,
fear of flying has to do with the fear of
an accident, occurring a storm, causing turbulence, or getting sick
on a plane, but having a bad experience on a
plane can set off a fear of being in the
(09:34):
same situation, and unfortunately, the more you avoid actually flying,
the greater the fear can grow. Because avoiding the flight
temporarily reduces your anxiety and this relief reinforces your fear.
(09:55):
So the first thing that I would suggest is do
not avoid flying. In fact, in some ways, the sooner
you get back on a plane the better because it
will help your fear to decrease by being back on
a flight. But this time when you fly, you need
(10:16):
to do some things to relax as you fly. So
that might be listening to music and blotting out what
other people are saying, watching a funny movie with headphones
in again, so what you're hearing is relaxing for you.
Doing some slow, deep breathing exercises intermittently during the flight,
(10:40):
and doing some deep muscle relaxation as well during the
flight to keep your body relaxed. The more that you
can relax and have a decent experience, the better for
diminishing this fear going forward. Avoid using alcohol as your
method of relaxing. This can start a problem of needing
(11:02):
to drink on flights, which isn't the best coping tool.
But your situation is somewhat unique in that you watched
what is becoming an all too frequent issue of bad
behavior in public places on a plane. You're really trapped
in a small public place and just can't leave the scene,
(11:26):
which in other circumstances might be the best course of action.
So what can you do? As a rule, let the
expert flight attendants handle any problems, do everything possible to
stay out of it. You are not responsible for what
(11:47):
others are doing, and the last thing you want to
do is become potentially part of an altercation. The flight
could be diverted, and both you and the offending passenger
could be impacted. It is a very very easy way
to ruin your trip in the least, so don't escalate
(12:08):
things and get yourself permanently tossed off a flight next
follow directions of the airline staff, because the truth is,
if you don't comply, you could be fine. If they
need you to move to handle the situation, then help
them by moving. If it's the passenger next to you
(12:30):
who's getting upset, try not to inflame the situation, but
instead what I would advise, if you feel on the spot,
try using empathic language, like rather than reacting with confrontation
because you can't leave, making note that you see that
they are angry, something like I'm sorry you feel angry.
(12:53):
Just saying something like that that actually is empathic and
makes note of what's happening can diffuse the situation. Feels
as though you are sympathizing even if you really are not.
Avoiding alcohol before or on your flight is a good
idea because it can cloud your thinking and it can
fuel getting involved or having an outburst yourself. It will
(13:16):
not help you, but it could hurt you personally. If
you feel your own temporizing, try taking some deep paste
breaths or focusing on relaxing your muscles, because when you're
super angry or anxious, it's hard to use your judgment
and think rationally. Relaxing your body hopefully can relax your mind.
(13:43):
You unfortunately, as I said, can't leave the scene, but
you can go a little more into yourself, a little
more into your own body as a way of coping.
Generally speaking, one way to handle yourself when you feel angry,
and to also handle others is simply to take a beat,
(14:05):
say to yourself, let me count to ten, and then
ask myself, how would I want to be treated if
the other person were me. It's basically employing the Golden rule.
Treating others, no matter how you're feeling, the way you
would want to be treated. Often goes a long way
(14:26):
in diffusing the situation. I hope that was helpful. I
wish this rise and bad behavior we're going away soon.
But unfortunately, the more we see it, and due to
the constant social media attention, the more it seems like
everyone is doing it, and this just desensitizes us to
(14:51):
the acceptability of acting this way. So other than discussing
how we all need to treat each other with respect
and kindness even and stressful times, there is no plus
in recording it or sharing it on social media. In fact,
social media is yet another place where there has been
(15:11):
a rise in bad behavior, with name calling and bullying.
What is helpful is really to point out that it
is fear, stress, high anxiety, all driving, anger, and aggressive behavior.
Places that serve alcohol are often making matters worse because
(15:32):
alcohol is disinhibiting and therefore you have a tendency to
see more bad behavior. So planes, sporting events, and bars
the risk is increased due to alcohol service. There do
need to be consequences that are known ahead of time
to people to dissuade them, like you will lose the
(15:55):
ability to come back to this event again, or you
won't be able to fly on this airline. Again, if
those sorts of things are made clear and carried through,
it probably will reduce outbursts in the long run. We
need to help more people develop coping skills to decrease
their own stress and anxiety and anger through relaxation techniques
(16:21):
and through self talk aimed at diffusing the anger in
their minds. We need leaders to change their tone. It's
okay to be assertive, but there's a difference between assertive
and aggressive. It's important for them to show that they
can play fair and above the belt and to model
(16:45):
moral and civil behavior. These are the bases on which
civilized societies operate, and we need to help everyone to
take a beat, take a moment, or you would behave
and say to yourself, how would I want to be
treated in this situation? And then behave accordingly? How would
(17:09):
you want to be written about or tweeted about? How
would you, as the health care worker, restaurant server, cabin
crew member want to be treated? Then, after you thought
about it, that's when you can open your mouth. Do
you have a problem I can help with? If so,
(17:31):
email me yet? How can I help? At Seneca women
dot Com, all centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
How can I help with me Dr Gail's Salts
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