November 11, 2022 • 24 mins
Having an authentic friendship can improve your health and wellbeing—and even extend your lifespan. Toxic friendships can do the opposite. Dr. Saltz tells how to cultivate new friendships as an adult, ensure that you’re a good friend to your existing companions, and end the relationships that just aren’t working out.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm doctor
Gale Salts. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Good friendships are one
of the biggest influences of happiness in our lives. They
can give us a sense of belonging and self value
that is extremely difficult to achieve just being on our own.
But not all social relationships are positive. Sometimes one can
(00:50):
develop a toxic relationship with a negative person that is
actually detrimental to mental and physical health and the long run.
So today I'm answering a listener question about managing the
end of a friendship. There are a number of benefits
that come with maintaining strong friendships, and they can improve
(01:11):
all areas of health and well being. Emotionally, strong friendships
offer unwavering support that lift us up when we're down.
People who can give us advice when we're facing difficult decisions,
people who can be an ongoing source of inspiration and
give us an environment in which we can actually be
(01:32):
our very true selves. So surrounding yourself with positive relationships
does wonders for mental and physical health. In fact, strong
social relationships have a positive effect on our lifespan because
positive friendships work wonders on stress levels, which are a
(01:55):
risk for compromising various body functions, including our immune system
when we're very stressed. Research has found having low quality friendships,
particularly in our thirties, can harm well being later in life.
This is because toxic friendships involve poor types of behavior
(02:18):
that leaves psychological scars and negatively impact one's mental health.
These behaviors include things like betrayal, being past aggressive peer
pressure to behave badly, experiencing contempt, having too much dependency,
and unhealthy competition. Toxic relationships can have a lot of
(02:46):
negative effect on our well being. So if we think
we might be spending our time with people who aren't
having a great influence on our lives, it might be
time to work on surrounding yourself with people who do.
As I said, good friends are good for your health.
Friends can help you celebrate good times and provide support
(03:06):
during bad times, preventing isolation and loneliness and giving you
a chance to offer needed companionship. Friends increase your sense
of belonging and purpose, boost your happiness, reduce your stress,
improve self confidence and self worth, help you cope with
(03:27):
traumas like divorce, having an illness, job loss, even the
death of a loved one. And friends can encourage you
to change or avoid unhealthy lifestyle habits like drinking too
much alcohol or drug use. Friends can play a significant
(03:48):
role in promoting overall physical health. Adults with strong social
connections have a reduced risk of many health problems, including depression,
high blood pressure, and obesity. Studies have found that older
adults with meaningful relationships and social support are likely to
(04:10):
live longer than their peers who have fewer connections. Many
adults find it hard to develop new friendships or keep
up existing friendships because they can take a backseat to
other priorities in life, like working, caring for children, or
for aging parents. Sometimes friends grow apart due to changes
(04:34):
in lives or interests, and sometimes we're forced to move
to a new community and haven't found a way yet
to meet new people. Developing and maintaining new and good
friendships does take effort. The enjoyment and comfort it can
provide makes the investment worthwhile. When it comes to thinking
(04:59):
about friendships, think about quality over quantity. While it's good
to have a diverse group of friends and acquaintances, really
the benefits I'm talking about belong to having close, meaningful
relationships that will support you through thick and thin. You
(05:20):
can develop new friendships with people who are already in
a social network that exists, and you can think about
people in your community, in your past, even people you've
only known casually but who made a positive impression, and
then you can increase your contact with that person to
turn it into a friendship. So when you're thinking about
(05:41):
how how can I make new friends, think about staying
in touch with people that you've worked with or taken
classes with. We're connecting with an old friend that you've
lost touch with, reaching out to a person you enjoyed
chatting with at a social gathering, going around and introducing
yourself to your neighbors, and making time to connect with
(06:04):
more distant family members who you might not even have
thought of as a potential friend. If someone stands out
in your memory as someone you'd like to know better,
I really advise you to reach out, and it's okay
to ask a mutual friend or acquaintance to share a
person's contact information, or even more so, to ask them
(06:26):
to introduce or reintroduce the two of you with a
text or an email, or an in person visit, to
have coffee, to have lunch, meeting new people who could
become your friends. Then you could decide to go someplace
where other friends are gathered. Don't limit yourself to one
(06:48):
strategy for meeting people, because the broader you cast your net,
the more likely you are to find someone that clicks
and persistence matters, So take the initiative rather than waiting
for invitations to come your way. You might need to
suggest plans a couple of times before you actually get
(07:09):
together with a potential new friend. Good places to look
are like attending community events, a group, a club, something
that's gathered around a hobby you do or an interest
you have. Sometimes it could even be an online group.
Volunteering your time or talent at a hospital or a
(07:32):
place of worship, museum, community center, or charitable organization to
find other like minded people can be the good source
of finding a friend, and do extend and accept invitations
when they're offered, and consider taking up a new interest.
(07:53):
Some people go back to school to meet people who
have similar interests, or join a local gym where senior
center if you're older, and joining a faith community of
some sort can definitely be a source of getting to
know new people and making new friends. Above all, it's
(08:14):
hard when you're really searching for friends, but try to
stay positive. You're not going to become friends with everyone,
but maintaining a friendly attitude and demeanor can help you
improve the relationships that are in your life and find
new ones. And joining a check group where an online
community can help you make or maintain a connection to
(08:37):
relieve loneliness. But it's important to know that using social
networking does not translate into a larger offline network or
closer offline relationships. You really have to make an effort
to do some things in person. Also, if you're going
to be online, be careful about sharing personal information or
(09:00):
ranging and activity with someone you've only met online. That
can in fact be dangerous, so keep it to a
public place. How can you nurture a friendship well? Developing
and maintaining a healthy friendship does involve give and take,
sometimes you will be the one giving support and other
(09:22):
times you will be the one receiving it. Letting a
friend know you care about them and you appreciate them
strengthens the bond between you. So it's as important for
you to be a good friend as it is for
you to surround yourself with good friends. How can you
be a good friend? Think about being kind. It sounds
(09:48):
so basic, but it is the core of most successful relationships.
A friendship is like an emotional bank account. Every act
of kindness and every expression of grated to it or
like deposits into that account, and criticism and negativity are
like draws on the account. It's not that neither should
(10:10):
ever happen, but you've got to have some give and take.
Be a good listener. Ask what's going on in your
friends lives. Let the other person know you're paying close
enough attention. Do that by using eye contact, your body language,
and comments like you recognize what they're talking about. When
(10:32):
friends share details of hard times or difficult experiences, be empathetic,
but try to avoid giving too much advice unless your
friend is actually asking for that. Sometimes friends really just
need someone to listen. Very important is to think about
opening up because building intimacy with your friends is about
(10:56):
being vulnerable, being willing to disclose your personal speriences, and
your concerns and show that you trust them with that information.
It will deepen the trust and therefore the intimacy of
the friendship and very important, show that you can be
trusted because being responsible and reliable and dependable is key
(11:21):
to forming strong friendships. Keep whatever plan you make arrive
on time. Being late all the time tells your friend
you don't care about their time, and bailing at the
last minute says the same thing. And when your friend
shares important confidential information with you, keep it private. Don't
(11:44):
tell other friends if they've asked you to keep it confidential,
otherwise you've really blown the trust. Make yourself available because
making an effort to see new friends regularly and check
in with them in between tells them they adder to you.
It might feel weird initially to talk on the phone
(12:04):
with somebody you don't know well enough yet, but it
will pass the more comfortable you get with each other.
And manage your nerves if you have them in social
situations by doing and using certain coping tools like relaxation techniques.
Deep breathing, muscle relaxation, the practice of mindfulness. Some people
(12:29):
do feel their social anxiety is what's keeping them from
making friends. Definitely attend to this if this is in
your way. It's never too late to develop friendships or
reconnect with old friends, and investing the time to strengthen
those friendships can pay off in better health and better
(12:50):
feelings throughout your day. So with that, right after the break,
we'll get to my listeners question. Yeah, welcome back. Let's
(13:10):
get to my listeners question and see how can I help.
Dear doctor Saults. I am hoping that you can help
me with how to move forward on this predicament. I
am diagnosed with anxiety, mainly social and depression. I had
a friend let's call her D, who also had anxiety.
(13:33):
I had a miscarriage last year, and after that I
stopped actively reaching out to friends to talk as I
was having a hard time coming to terms with it.
D didn't really check in. I got pregnant again a
couple of months later and let her know. She expressed
excitement for me. I was racked with worry that I
(13:54):
would lose this pregnancy again, and so again I became
somewhat reclusive, but did post random things on Facebook for entertainment. Again,
D did not reach out. A few months went by
and my birthday came and went without any word from D.
(14:15):
At this point I became somewhat upset that she wasn't
contacting me at all. It came to the realization that
in our relationship I had always put in more work.
Christmas came and went, and again nothing from D. I
had my baby this spring, and a few months later
(14:37):
I realized she had unfriended and blocked me on Facebook.
I know she blocked me because mutual friends could still
see her profile. I don't know why she did this,
as I never did anything to her. It's been really
bothering me lately. But I don't want to reach out
as I also don't think it was the best friendship
(14:57):
to begin with, based on how little effort she put
into it. I always had to do what she wanted
to do. She would just show up at my house
to visit periodically, which may be okay for some, but
I'm very much a planner, and sometimes she would show
up when I was working and could not make time
to chat. I guess my question is, how do I
(15:19):
just let this go and move on when I don't
really know why she blocked me. It sounds like, as
you suggest, this was not equality friendship that fell close.
It was more of a when we talk or happened
to me. We do, but it's not often, and to
(15:39):
some degree that sounds like it came from both of you,
or from the combination of the both of you having
different styles. But in addition to having different styles, you both,
as you said, have anxiety. Generally speaking, people with anxiety
struggle a lot with uncertainty, and you both did not
(16:03):
speak very much about what was happening between you and
how it made each of you feel, or what you
wanted to be different in order to feel better. More
uncertainty breeds high anxiety, and those with anxiety to start with.
For example, had you said to d hey, I'm really
(16:25):
anxious about my pregnancy, so you may see me laying low.
It's not you or us, it's just my need to
be quiet about it all until I feel more certain,
she might have known that's what was happening, as opposed
to just your disappearance, which as an already anxious person,
(16:45):
she may have interpreted as you simply disappearing from the friendship,
and it sounds like d was equally or even more
proactive about seeing how you were doing in light of
your terrible loss and new nerves. This all, no doubt
led to the ultimate demise of this friendship, but you
(17:07):
are not. It sounds exactly mourning the loss of the
friendship because you recognize the issue and you recognize the
mismatch between you. You are struggling with feeling two things
a sensitivity to rejection. In other words, she blocked you
even though you don't want her friendship, but you still
(17:27):
feel hurt and discomfort with the uncertainty of how she
is viewing this whole thing. A hallmark of social anxiety
is rejection sensitivity, and that seems to be what's hurting
right now. Knowing that you do tend to be very
sensitive to social rejection may help you recognize that when
(17:51):
it comes to a relationship you don't even want, you
are still eaten up by her walking away. It's true
no one likes to be blocked or shut out, but
sometimes it's really more of a mutual fading away, with
you doing so because you were being reclusive and her
(18:14):
not pushing to contact you anyway. For all you know
she's been sitting in her home feeling rejected that you
stopped contacting her once you got pregnant, and in feeling hurt,
she ultimately decided that seeing you on Facebook, which you've
been doing without hearing from you as a friend, was
too painful, so she unfriended you to not have to look.
(18:39):
But in reality, you don't know for sure because there
was no discussion, there were no words, so you are
left with some amount of uncertainty, and that is hard
for people with anxiety. Rather than struggling with what if
it were this or what if it were that, and
(19:00):
obsessing over why why did she do this, which only
makes this louder in your head, try not to struggle
with getting the answer, rather accept living with some uncertainty.
Tolerating the uncertainty will actually help to diminish the power
(19:22):
of this feeling. And in reality why does not matter
for the outcome, because as you've said, you'd rather not
reach out to be friends again. This friendship didn't work
well for you, so instead start saying to yourself, I
don't know, I can't know a okay, that's okay. Often enough,
(19:48):
when it's not working well for one friend, it's not
actually working well for the other. Accepting the end, but
more importantly, the uncertain t of exactly what she thinks
is the reason for the end will help you to
be less bothered and to move on. I hope that
(20:12):
was helpful. Just as important in optimizing how to make
and keep friends is how to be a good friend.
There are a few things to keep in mind about
friendships and friends. First of all, celebrate their differences. Accepting
that we're not all the same as the first step
(20:34):
in opening ourselves up to wonderful relationships. So, as my
caller asked about, had she asked me earlier with any
interest in staying involved, I think I would talk to
her about ways that you can manage having very different
styles of making plans of doing things together. The exposure
(20:55):
to new ideas and perspectives can be important and valuable
for you and sometimes play a real part in your
own personal growth. But we have to stop looking for
people who are exactly like us then listen to them.
While it's wonderful to have people listen to our ideas
(21:16):
and problems, strong relationships are a two way street, so
it's important to do the same for your friend back
because it makes them feel supported and valued. Give them
your time. Giving another person our time is one of
the biggest signs of respect in a friendship. Work in
(21:38):
family do make our lives busy, but when we make
time for friends, it shows that we value and care
about them. Communicate regularly. Having an open channel of communication
between us and our friends is hugely important because it
helps us better understand each other and foster an environment
(21:58):
where each person is comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings.
Be considerate and not distracted when you are together. Admittedly,
your phones are always there, technology is always available to
distract us, but a good relationship requires time and attention.
(22:20):
So when you do hang out with a friend, put
down the phone, put down the laptop, and be together.
Learn to give and receive feedback. One of the best
things about good friends is that they're honest, which means
their opinion is often some of the best advice that
we can get. But of course, anything negative said about
(22:42):
us can be hard to deal with. Learning how to
take and deliver constructive feedback, not destructive, but constructive, and
opening yourself up allows for the greatest potential for you
and your friend. An embrace trust because it's one of
(23:03):
the best by products of a great friendship. The trust
you have in some one gives you comfort, reduces stress,
makes you feel not alone. And the best type of
trust is mutual trust, which means it must be given
to be received. And think, lastly, but not least, about
(23:27):
being empathic. As the saying goes, people will forget what
you said, people will forget what you did, but people
will never forget how you made them feel. This is
really an important idea when thinking about another person's feelings.
Instead of needing to blame or give advice, this type
(23:51):
of connection and empathic connection really provides the strongest and
best emotional connection with trust. Valuable friendships are one of
the most important assets that we can possess throughout our lives.
They play an enormous part in influencing how we act
and feel, so it's important to surround ourselves with people
(24:13):
who encourage us to be our best selves, because in
the long run, we will be Do you have a
problem I can help with? If so, email me yet
how can I help? At Seneca women dot Com, all
centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too. How can
I help with me? Doctor Gale's Salts
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm doctor
Gale Salts. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Good friendships are one
of the biggest influences of happiness in our lives. They
can give us a sense of belonging and self value
that is extremely difficult to achieve just being on our own.
But not all social relationships are positive. Sometimes one can
(00:50):
develop a toxic relationship with a negative person that is
actually detrimental to mental and physical health and the long run.
So today I'm answering a listener question about managing the
end of a friendship. There are a number of benefits
that come with maintaining strong friendships, and they can improve
(01:11):
all areas of health and well being. Emotionally, strong friendships
offer unwavering support that lift us up when we're down.
People who can give us advice when we're facing difficult decisions,
people who can be an ongoing source of inspiration and
give us an environment in which we can actually be
(01:32):
our very true selves. So surrounding yourself with positive relationships
does wonders for mental and physical health. In fact, strong
social relationships have a positive effect on our lifespan because
positive friendships work wonders on stress levels, which are a
(01:55):
risk for compromising various body functions, including our immune system
when we're very stressed. Research has found having low quality friendships,
particularly in our thirties, can harm well being later in life.
This is because toxic friendships involve poor types of behavior
(02:18):
that leaves psychological scars and negatively impact one's mental health.
These behaviors include things like betrayal, being past aggressive peer
pressure to behave badly, experiencing contempt, having too much dependency,
and unhealthy competition. Toxic relationships can have a lot of
(02:46):
negative effect on our well being. So if we think
we might be spending our time with people who aren't
having a great influence on our lives, it might be
time to work on surrounding yourself with people who do.
As I said, good friends are good for your health.
Friends can help you celebrate good times and provide support
(03:06):
during bad times, preventing isolation and loneliness and giving you
a chance to offer needed companionship. Friends increase your sense
of belonging and purpose, boost your happiness, reduce your stress,
improve self confidence and self worth, help you cope with
(03:27):
traumas like divorce, having an illness, job loss, even the
death of a loved one. And friends can encourage you
to change or avoid unhealthy lifestyle habits like drinking too
much alcohol or drug use. Friends can play a significant
(03:48):
role in promoting overall physical health. Adults with strong social
connections have a reduced risk of many health problems, including depression,
high blood pressure, and obesity. Studies have found that older
adults with meaningful relationships and social support are likely to
(04:10):
live longer than their peers who have fewer connections. Many
adults find it hard to develop new friendships or keep
up existing friendships because they can take a backseat to
other priorities in life, like working, caring for children, or
for aging parents. Sometimes friends grow apart due to changes
(04:34):
in lives or interests, and sometimes we're forced to move
to a new community and haven't found a way yet
to meet new people. Developing and maintaining new and good
friendships does take effort. The enjoyment and comfort it can
provide makes the investment worthwhile. When it comes to thinking
(04:59):
about friendships, think about quality over quantity. While it's good
to have a diverse group of friends and acquaintances, really
the benefits I'm talking about belong to having close, meaningful
relationships that will support you through thick and thin. You
(05:20):
can develop new friendships with people who are already in
a social network that exists, and you can think about
people in your community, in your past, even people you've
only known casually but who made a positive impression, and
then you can increase your contact with that person to
turn it into a friendship. So when you're thinking about
(05:41):
how how can I make new friends, think about staying
in touch with people that you've worked with or taken
classes with. We're connecting with an old friend that you've
lost touch with, reaching out to a person you enjoyed
chatting with at a social gathering, going around and introducing
yourself to your neighbors, and making time to connect with
(06:04):
more distant family members who you might not even have
thought of as a potential friend. If someone stands out
in your memory as someone you'd like to know better,
I really advise you to reach out, and it's okay
to ask a mutual friend or acquaintance to share a
person's contact information, or even more so, to ask them
(06:26):
to introduce or reintroduce the two of you with a
text or an email, or an in person visit, to
have coffee, to have lunch, meeting new people who could
become your friends. Then you could decide to go someplace
where other friends are gathered. Don't limit yourself to one
(06:48):
strategy for meeting people, because the broader you cast your net,
the more likely you are to find someone that clicks
and persistence matters, So take the initiative rather than waiting
for invitations to come your way. You might need to
suggest plans a couple of times before you actually get
(07:09):
together with a potential new friend. Good places to look
are like attending community events, a group, a club, something
that's gathered around a hobby you do or an interest
you have. Sometimes it could even be an online group.
Volunteering your time or talent at a hospital or a
(07:32):
place of worship, museum, community center, or charitable organization to
find other like minded people can be the good source
of finding a friend, and do extend and accept invitations
when they're offered, and consider taking up a new interest.
(07:53):
Some people go back to school to meet people who
have similar interests, or join a local gym where senior
center if you're older, and joining a faith community of
some sort can definitely be a source of getting to
know new people and making new friends. Above all, it's
(08:14):
hard when you're really searching for friends, but try to
stay positive. You're not going to become friends with everyone,
but maintaining a friendly attitude and demeanor can help you
improve the relationships that are in your life and find
new ones. And joining a check group where an online
community can help you make or maintain a connection to
(08:37):
relieve loneliness. But it's important to know that using social
networking does not translate into a larger offline network or
closer offline relationships. You really have to make an effort
to do some things in person. Also, if you're going
to be online, be careful about sharing personal information or
(09:00):
ranging and activity with someone you've only met online. That
can in fact be dangerous, so keep it to a
public place. How can you nurture a friendship well? Developing
and maintaining a healthy friendship does involve give and take,
sometimes you will be the one giving support and other
(09:22):
times you will be the one receiving it. Letting a
friend know you care about them and you appreciate them
strengthens the bond between you. So it's as important for
you to be a good friend as it is for
you to surround yourself with good friends. How can you
be a good friend? Think about being kind. It sounds
(09:48):
so basic, but it is the core of most successful relationships.
A friendship is like an emotional bank account. Every act
of kindness and every expression of grated to it or
like deposits into that account, and criticism and negativity are
like draws on the account. It's not that neither should
(10:10):
ever happen, but you've got to have some give and take.
Be a good listener. Ask what's going on in your
friends lives. Let the other person know you're paying close
enough attention. Do that by using eye contact, your body language,
and comments like you recognize what they're talking about. When
(10:32):
friends share details of hard times or difficult experiences, be empathetic,
but try to avoid giving too much advice unless your
friend is actually asking for that. Sometimes friends really just
need someone to listen. Very important is to think about
opening up because building intimacy with your friends is about
(10:56):
being vulnerable, being willing to disclose your personal speriences, and
your concerns and show that you trust them with that information.
It will deepen the trust and therefore the intimacy of
the friendship and very important, show that you can be
trusted because being responsible and reliable and dependable is key
(11:21):
to forming strong friendships. Keep whatever plan you make arrive
on time. Being late all the time tells your friend
you don't care about their time, and bailing at the
last minute says the same thing. And when your friend
shares important confidential information with you, keep it private. Don't
(11:44):
tell other friends if they've asked you to keep it confidential,
otherwise you've really blown the trust. Make yourself available because
making an effort to see new friends regularly and check
in with them in between tells them they adder to you.
It might feel weird initially to talk on the phone
(12:04):
with somebody you don't know well enough yet, but it
will pass the more comfortable you get with each other.
And manage your nerves if you have them in social
situations by doing and using certain coping tools like relaxation techniques.
Deep breathing, muscle relaxation, the practice of mindfulness. Some people
(12:29):
do feel their social anxiety is what's keeping them from
making friends. Definitely attend to this if this is in
your way. It's never too late to develop friendships or
reconnect with old friends, and investing the time to strengthen
those friendships can pay off in better health and better
(12:50):
feelings throughout your day. So with that, right after the break,
we'll get to my listeners question. Yeah, welcome back. Let's
(13:10):
get to my listeners question and see how can I help.
Dear doctor Saults. I am hoping that you can help
me with how to move forward on this predicament. I
am diagnosed with anxiety, mainly social and depression. I had
a friend let's call her D, who also had anxiety.
(13:33):
I had a miscarriage last year, and after that I
stopped actively reaching out to friends to talk as I
was having a hard time coming to terms with it.
D didn't really check in. I got pregnant again a
couple of months later and let her know. She expressed
excitement for me. I was racked with worry that I
(13:54):
would lose this pregnancy again, and so again I became
somewhat reclusive, but did post random things on Facebook for entertainment. Again,
D did not reach out. A few months went by
and my birthday came and went without any word from D.
(14:15):
At this point I became somewhat upset that she wasn't
contacting me at all. It came to the realization that
in our relationship I had always put in more work.
Christmas came and went, and again nothing from D. I
had my baby this spring, and a few months later
(14:37):
I realized she had unfriended and blocked me on Facebook.
I know she blocked me because mutual friends could still
see her profile. I don't know why she did this,
as I never did anything to her. It's been really
bothering me lately. But I don't want to reach out
as I also don't think it was the best friendship
(14:57):
to begin with, based on how little effort she put
into it. I always had to do what she wanted
to do. She would just show up at my house
to visit periodically, which may be okay for some, but
I'm very much a planner, and sometimes she would show
up when I was working and could not make time
to chat. I guess my question is, how do I
(15:19):
just let this go and move on when I don't
really know why she blocked me. It sounds like, as
you suggest, this was not equality friendship that fell close.
It was more of a when we talk or happened
to me. We do, but it's not often, and to
(15:39):
some degree that sounds like it came from both of you,
or from the combination of the both of you having
different styles. But in addition to having different styles, you both,
as you said, have anxiety. Generally speaking, people with anxiety
struggle a lot with uncertainty, and you both did not
(16:03):
speak very much about what was happening between you and
how it made each of you feel, or what you
wanted to be different in order to feel better. More
uncertainty breeds high anxiety, and those with anxiety to start with.
For example, had you said to d hey, I'm really
(16:25):
anxious about my pregnancy, so you may see me laying low.
It's not you or us, it's just my need to
be quiet about it all until I feel more certain,
she might have known that's what was happening, as opposed
to just your disappearance, which as an already anxious person,
(16:45):
she may have interpreted as you simply disappearing from the friendship,
and it sounds like d was equally or even more
proactive about seeing how you were doing in light of
your terrible loss and new nerves. This all, no doubt
led to the ultimate demise of this friendship, but you
(17:07):
are not. It sounds exactly mourning the loss of the
friendship because you recognize the issue and you recognize the
mismatch between you. You are struggling with feeling two things
a sensitivity to rejection. In other words, she blocked you
even though you don't want her friendship, but you still
(17:27):
feel hurt and discomfort with the uncertainty of how she
is viewing this whole thing. A hallmark of social anxiety
is rejection sensitivity, and that seems to be what's hurting
right now. Knowing that you do tend to be very
sensitive to social rejection may help you recognize that when
(17:51):
it comes to a relationship you don't even want, you
are still eaten up by her walking away. It's true
no one likes to be blocked or shut out, but
sometimes it's really more of a mutual fading away, with
you doing so because you were being reclusive and her
(18:14):
not pushing to contact you anyway. For all you know
she's been sitting in her home feeling rejected that you
stopped contacting her once you got pregnant, and in feeling hurt,
she ultimately decided that seeing you on Facebook, which you've
been doing without hearing from you as a friend, was
too painful, so she unfriended you to not have to look.
(18:39):
But in reality, you don't know for sure because there
was no discussion, there were no words, so you are
left with some amount of uncertainty, and that is hard
for people with anxiety. Rather than struggling with what if
it were this or what if it were that, and
(19:00):
obsessing over why why did she do this, which only
makes this louder in your head, try not to struggle
with getting the answer, rather accept living with some uncertainty.
Tolerating the uncertainty will actually help to diminish the power
(19:22):
of this feeling. And in reality why does not matter
for the outcome, because as you've said, you'd rather not
reach out to be friends again. This friendship didn't work
well for you, so instead start saying to yourself, I
don't know, I can't know a okay, that's okay. Often enough,
(19:48):
when it's not working well for one friend, it's not
actually working well for the other. Accepting the end, but
more importantly, the uncertain t of exactly what she thinks
is the reason for the end will help you to
be less bothered and to move on. I hope that
(20:12):
was helpful. Just as important in optimizing how to make
and keep friends is how to be a good friend.
There are a few things to keep in mind about
friendships and friends. First of all, celebrate their differences. Accepting
that we're not all the same as the first step
(20:34):
in opening ourselves up to wonderful relationships. So, as my
caller asked about, had she asked me earlier with any
interest in staying involved, I think I would talk to
her about ways that you can manage having very different
styles of making plans of doing things together. The exposure
(20:55):
to new ideas and perspectives can be important and valuable
for you and sometimes play a real part in your
own personal growth. But we have to stop looking for
people who are exactly like us then listen to them.
While it's wonderful to have people listen to our ideas
(21:16):
and problems, strong relationships are a two way street, so
it's important to do the same for your friend back
because it makes them feel supported and valued. Give them
your time. Giving another person our time is one of
the biggest signs of respect in a friendship. Work in
(21:38):
family do make our lives busy, but when we make
time for friends, it shows that we value and care
about them. Communicate regularly. Having an open channel of communication
between us and our friends is hugely important because it
helps us better understand each other and foster an environment
(21:58):
where each person is comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings.
Be considerate and not distracted when you are together. Admittedly,
your phones are always there, technology is always available to
distract us, but a good relationship requires time and attention.
(22:20):
So when you do hang out with a friend, put
down the phone, put down the laptop, and be together.
Learn to give and receive feedback. One of the best
things about good friends is that they're honest, which means
their opinion is often some of the best advice that
we can get. But of course, anything negative said about
(22:42):
us can be hard to deal with. Learning how to
take and deliver constructive feedback, not destructive, but constructive, and
opening yourself up allows for the greatest potential for you
and your friend. An embrace trust because it's one of
(23:03):
the best by products of a great friendship. The trust
you have in some one gives you comfort, reduces stress,
makes you feel not alone. And the best type of
trust is mutual trust, which means it must be given
to be received. And think, lastly, but not least, about
(23:27):
being empathic. As the saying goes, people will forget what
you said, people will forget what you did, but people
will never forget how you made them feel. This is
really an important idea when thinking about another person's feelings.
Instead of needing to blame or give advice, this type
(23:51):
of connection and empathic connection really provides the strongest and
best emotional connection with trust. Valuable friendships are one of
the most important assets that we can possess throughout our lives.
They play an enormous part in influencing how we act
and feel, so it's important to surround ourselves with people
(24:13):
who encourage us to be our best selves, because in
the long run, we will be Do you have a
problem I can help with? If so, email me yet
how can I help? At Seneca women dot Com, all
centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too. How can
I help with me? Doctor Gale's Salts
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