September 24, 2021 • 13 mins
Job loss can lead to fears, depression and anxiety—for both partners. Dr. Saltz tells a listener how to give realistic, useful support to a recently laid-off husband.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. In the current COVID economy,
more and more companies are downsizing or having layoffs. Whether
you are laid off or fired, losing your job can
really feel devastating. One's job, besides providing the money necessary
(00:50):
for living, can also give that person their identity and
self confidence. So today I'm taking a question from a
listener whose partner just lost his job. It is common
to divine yourself by what you do and how well
you do it. Therefore, if you lose that job, for
(01:11):
some people, your entire sense of self worth and who
you are in the world can be shaken. Men who
feel is being a man to be the provider for
the family and be successful in their work often experience
terrible feelings of shame and humiliation when they lose job.
(01:34):
Some men feel so embarrassed that they may maintain a
charade of going to work to hide their unemployment from
their family or friends. Some women may be able to
turn to their role as wife and mother for their
sense of self, but plenty of women, especially of younger generations,
feel the same devastation to their self image as men do.
(01:59):
The problem for women is that their family and peers
may not be as understanding of the terrible loss and
sense of failure for her, because they expect her to
be perfectly happy with the wife mother role alone. Unemployment
can be terribly difficult for a couple to deal with,
as each may have their own reaction to their spouse's
(02:21):
loss of work as well. These include fears about the
family's financial security, feelings about how this makes them view
their partner, and the effect this will have on their children.
Sometimes the person who lost their job is so ashamed
they may push their partner away, leaving them feeling helpless
(02:43):
and alone. What one experiences often depends on whether you're
the one who lost the job or your partner is.
For the person who lost their job, the risks are
feelings of loss of identity, terrible self doubt, anxiety about
the future, like how will I find a new job?
(03:06):
Taking anger out on their family. For men particularly, there
may be an increase in alcohol abuse and even suicide rates.
For women particularly, there's often an increase in depression and overeating.
But for family members there are risks as well. Fears
(03:27):
of financial insecurity, loss of respect for their spouse, arguments
and distance from their spouse, fear in children of how
they will survive, and feelings of helplessness to help a
spouse or for children a parent. So with that, let's
(03:48):
turn to my listeners question and see how can I
help Dear doctor Saltz. My husband's company just went through
a downsizing and they laid him off. He is really upset.
We do have a nest egg set aside, and my
job is stable and they gave him a pretty decent
(04:10):
package on the way out. Despite this, he is really
panicked about the finances, and maybe even more than this,
I see him totally destroying himself over it. He keeps
saying some form of he sees himself as such a
loser now he doesn't know what he will do with
(04:30):
his life. I've tried to be reassuring, like eventually he
will find something else, which I do believe, but it
doesn't seem to make any difference, and I'm starting to
feel really nervous and down myself, like I'm afraid he
isn't going to bounce back, and I don't know how
(04:52):
long I can hang on to being supportive and holding
down the fort at home. What can I do to
help him and myself through this tough time. Losing a
job can be both painful and scary, depending on your
future financial circumstances. In this case, you sound less scared
(05:13):
about your current finances and more scared about your partner's
abilities to emotionally right himself. It is not unusual to
take a job loss hard the more your husband was
emotionally invested in his job as a source of pride
and identity, like this is a big part of who
(05:36):
I am and my role in the world, and if
it's a key ingredient and how he felt he could
contribute to the family, to you and your well being,
then the harder this loss is going to feel for him,
normalizing that feeling that of course he feels this loss
(05:57):
and you understand that, as well as explaining to him
that while you do get it and he should get
to feel his feelings. There are other parts of him
that you also see as his role that are at
least as vital to you, his role in the home,
as your friend, as your lover, as your partner, in
(06:20):
having a family, and making your homework. Remind him that
for you those vital parts remain as important as ever
more important, and you value them and him. Do allow
him to feel anxious as well. It's often hard for
(06:42):
men to feel that it is okay to be anxious,
and they may suppress it so that they're not seen
negatively in the eyes of their partner. But being able
to be aware of his own anxiety and therefore do
some appropriate problem solving, but also do some things to
(07:02):
relax himself and recognize that not all of the anxiety
means there is something that he should do or could do,
but rather a symptom of this loss that will help
him and you likely to feel a little bit better.
Help him to do things that actually will help, like
(07:27):
eating well, avoiding extra alcohol, and get in good sleep.
Help him to know this doesn't need to be a secret,
that he can and should get support from friends. Shame
and secret keeping usually make job loss feel worse, whereas
(07:49):
sharing usually garner support and the realization that you are
far from alone. This will also help lift some of
the support burden on you. And of course what hurts
him does hurt you. But do hold onto the fact
that you are not him. Resist over identifying so that
(08:14):
you can hold on to sympathy without drowning in the
same feelings after a period of sadness. Help them to
create an action plan, a way to get back into
the game being hopeful, but recognizing and telling him that
this can take time and is often a bumpy road
(08:37):
of many nose and maybe's before yes. In the meanwhile,
look at numbers so you can both feel reassured about
what to cut out or hold back on financially, so
that you can feel okay about getting through. This will
reduce both of your anxieties. How can I help with
(09:02):
Dr Gail Salts will be back after this short break.
I hope that was helpful. There are important things that
you can do for yourself, for your spouse, and for
(09:23):
your children. For example, when a parent loses their job, First,
understand the normal feelings. The sense of shame, anger, depression,
and fear you may be feeling is bad enough without
also feeling there is something wrong with you for feeling
that way. These are very normal responses, and understanding what
(09:46):
you feel, why you feel that way, and talking with
others about it can be a relief by itself. Be
flexible about roles in the marriage. Resentments can build if
you are rigid about your roles, because if the husband
is home and the wife is working, then his maintaining
(10:08):
that he doesn't do the laundry will make her feel
unfairly burdened. Likewise, if she loses her job and he
is the one solely responsible for their income, then she
may need to take the card to the garage for repairs,
even if that was previously his domain. Keep a routine.
(10:30):
Without a work schedule to keep you and your family's
day structured, it's easy to lapse into lying on the sofa,
over eating or drinking and feeling worse and worse about
yourself or your partner. Make a schedule with things you
need to do to find a job, whatever needs to
(10:50):
be done in the home or for the family, as
well as exercise and still some enjoyment time like a movie.
Be because during this tough time, it is important to
take breaks for pleasurable activity, especially things you might do
with kids. Avoid self damaging behavior. The incidence of alcohol abuse, overeating,
(11:15):
and self brating goes way up with unemployment. It's a
vicious cycle, and that the worse you feel, the more
destructive you get, which makes you feel even worse. Spend
more time with your kids as it can be a
treat for both of you that is time limited. Exercise,
(11:37):
and generally take good care of yourself so you have
the energy required and enthusiasm to go out and get
another job. Tell the children and let them feel helpful.
Children know when something is wrong. You need to fill
them in and reassure them that you and the family
(11:58):
will be okay. Explain that you will need to conserve
financially to them and let them help by conserving electricity
at home, getting a yard work job, and thinking about
what they don't need to have extra money for. They
know their mom and dad are still the same terrific
people they have respected till now, so don't assume they
(12:21):
feel what you do about the job loss and act
like they should be disappointed in you. Explain it's tough
times and lots of people are losing work, but that
while it may take time, you will get back on
your feet soon enough, then tell them you can use
this special time to spend more time with them. And lastly,
(12:46):
do consider a group or professional help. Talking with others
in a similar boat really can help. They know how
you feel. Sometimes companies form these groups after a big off,
but if not, you can form your own. If, however,
(13:06):
you can't sleep or eat, or can't stop sleeping and eating,
are really depressed or angry all the time, or have
any thoughts that life isn't worth living, then you should
seek professional help. Do you have a problem I can
help with? If so, email me at how Can I Help?
(13:28):
At Seneca women dot com. All centers remain anonymous and
listen every Friday to how can I Help with Me?
Dr Gail's Salts
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. In the current COVID economy,
more and more companies are downsizing or having layoffs. Whether
you are laid off or fired, losing your job can
really feel devastating. One's job, besides providing the money necessary
(00:50):
for living, can also give that person their identity and
self confidence. So today I'm taking a question from a
listener whose partner just lost his job. It is common
to divine yourself by what you do and how well
you do it. Therefore, if you lose that job, for
(01:11):
some people, your entire sense of self worth and who
you are in the world can be shaken. Men who
feel is being a man to be the provider for
the family and be successful in their work often experience
terrible feelings of shame and humiliation when they lose job.
(01:34):
Some men feel so embarrassed that they may maintain a
charade of going to work to hide their unemployment from
their family or friends. Some women may be able to
turn to their role as wife and mother for their
sense of self, but plenty of women, especially of younger generations,
feel the same devastation to their self image as men do.
(01:59):
The problem for women is that their family and peers
may not be as understanding of the terrible loss and
sense of failure for her, because they expect her to
be perfectly happy with the wife mother role alone. Unemployment
can be terribly difficult for a couple to deal with,
as each may have their own reaction to their spouse's
(02:21):
loss of work as well. These include fears about the
family's financial security, feelings about how this makes them view
their partner, and the effect this will have on their children.
Sometimes the person who lost their job is so ashamed
they may push their partner away, leaving them feeling helpless
(02:43):
and alone. What one experiences often depends on whether you're
the one who lost the job or your partner is.
For the person who lost their job, the risks are
feelings of loss of identity, terrible self doubt, anxiety about
the future, like how will I find a new job?
(03:06):
Taking anger out on their family. For men particularly, there
may be an increase in alcohol abuse and even suicide rates.
For women particularly, there's often an increase in depression and overeating.
But for family members there are risks as well. Fears
(03:27):
of financial insecurity, loss of respect for their spouse, arguments
and distance from their spouse, fear in children of how
they will survive, and feelings of helplessness to help a
spouse or for children a parent. So with that, let's
(03:48):
turn to my listeners question and see how can I
help Dear doctor Saltz. My husband's company just went through
a downsizing and they laid him off. He is really upset.
We do have a nest egg set aside, and my
job is stable and they gave him a pretty decent
(04:10):
package on the way out. Despite this, he is really
panicked about the finances, and maybe even more than this,
I see him totally destroying himself over it. He keeps
saying some form of he sees himself as such a
loser now he doesn't know what he will do with
(04:30):
his life. I've tried to be reassuring, like eventually he
will find something else, which I do believe, but it
doesn't seem to make any difference, and I'm starting to
feel really nervous and down myself, like I'm afraid he
isn't going to bounce back, and I don't know how
(04:52):
long I can hang on to being supportive and holding
down the fort at home. What can I do to
help him and myself through this tough time. Losing a
job can be both painful and scary, depending on your
future financial circumstances. In this case, you sound less scared
(05:13):
about your current finances and more scared about your partner's
abilities to emotionally right himself. It is not unusual to
take a job loss hard the more your husband was
emotionally invested in his job as a source of pride
and identity, like this is a big part of who
(05:36):
I am and my role in the world, and if
it's a key ingredient and how he felt he could
contribute to the family, to you and your well being,
then the harder this loss is going to feel for him,
normalizing that feeling that of course he feels this loss
(05:57):
and you understand that, as well as explaining to him
that while you do get it and he should get
to feel his feelings. There are other parts of him
that you also see as his role that are at
least as vital to you, his role in the home,
as your friend, as your lover, as your partner, in
(06:20):
having a family, and making your homework. Remind him that
for you those vital parts remain as important as ever
more important, and you value them and him. Do allow
him to feel anxious as well. It's often hard for
(06:42):
men to feel that it is okay to be anxious,
and they may suppress it so that they're not seen
negatively in the eyes of their partner. But being able
to be aware of his own anxiety and therefore do
some appropriate problem solving, but also do some things to
(07:02):
relax himself and recognize that not all of the anxiety
means there is something that he should do or could do,
but rather a symptom of this loss that will help
him and you likely to feel a little bit better.
Help him to do things that actually will help, like
(07:27):
eating well, avoiding extra alcohol, and get in good sleep.
Help him to know this doesn't need to be a secret,
that he can and should get support from friends. Shame
and secret keeping usually make job loss feel worse, whereas
(07:49):
sharing usually garner support and the realization that you are
far from alone. This will also help lift some of
the support burden on you. And of course what hurts
him does hurt you. But do hold onto the fact
that you are not him. Resist over identifying so that
(08:14):
you can hold on to sympathy without drowning in the
same feelings after a period of sadness. Help them to
create an action plan, a way to get back into
the game being hopeful, but recognizing and telling him that
this can take time and is often a bumpy road
(08:37):
of many nose and maybe's before yes. In the meanwhile,
look at numbers so you can both feel reassured about
what to cut out or hold back on financially, so
that you can feel okay about getting through. This will
reduce both of your anxieties. How can I help with
(09:02):
Dr Gail Salts will be back after this short break.
I hope that was helpful. There are important things that
you can do for yourself, for your spouse, and for
(09:23):
your children. For example, when a parent loses their job, First,
understand the normal feelings. The sense of shame, anger, depression,
and fear you may be feeling is bad enough without
also feeling there is something wrong with you for feeling
that way. These are very normal responses, and understanding what
(09:46):
you feel, why you feel that way, and talking with
others about it can be a relief by itself. Be
flexible about roles in the marriage. Resentments can build if
you are rigid about your roles, because if the husband
is home and the wife is working, then his maintaining
(10:08):
that he doesn't do the laundry will make her feel
unfairly burdened. Likewise, if she loses her job and he
is the one solely responsible for their income, then she
may need to take the card to the garage for repairs,
even if that was previously his domain. Keep a routine.
(10:30):
Without a work schedule to keep you and your family's
day structured, it's easy to lapse into lying on the sofa,
over eating or drinking and feeling worse and worse about
yourself or your partner. Make a schedule with things you
need to do to find a job, whatever needs to
(10:50):
be done in the home or for the family, as
well as exercise and still some enjoyment time like a movie.
Be because during this tough time, it is important to
take breaks for pleasurable activity, especially things you might do
with kids. Avoid self damaging behavior. The incidence of alcohol abuse, overeating,
(11:15):
and self brating goes way up with unemployment. It's a
vicious cycle, and that the worse you feel, the more
destructive you get, which makes you feel even worse. Spend
more time with your kids as it can be a
treat for both of you that is time limited. Exercise,
(11:37):
and generally take good care of yourself so you have
the energy required and enthusiasm to go out and get
another job. Tell the children and let them feel helpful.
Children know when something is wrong. You need to fill
them in and reassure them that you and the family
(11:58):
will be okay. Explain that you will need to conserve
financially to them and let them help by conserving electricity
at home, getting a yard work job, and thinking about
what they don't need to have extra money for. They
know their mom and dad are still the same terrific
people they have respected till now, so don't assume they
(12:21):
feel what you do about the job loss and act
like they should be disappointed in you. Explain it's tough
times and lots of people are losing work, but that
while it may take time, you will get back on
your feet soon enough, then tell them you can use
this special time to spend more time with them. And lastly,
(12:46):
do consider a group or professional help. Talking with others
in a similar boat really can help. They know how
you feel. Sometimes companies form these groups after a big off,
but if not, you can form your own. If, however,
(13:06):
you can't sleep or eat, or can't stop sleeping and eating,
are really depressed or angry all the time, or have
any thoughts that life isn't worth living, then you should
seek professional help. Do you have a problem I can
help with? If so, email me at how Can I Help?
(13:28):
At Seneca women dot com. All centers remain anonymous and
listen every Friday to how can I Help with Me?
Dr Gail's Salts
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