November 4, 2022 • 20 mins
The holiday season that starts with Thanksgiving comes with an extra helping of anxiety this year, as the latest elections present a fresh opportunity to renew family feuds over politics. How to defuse the tensions so everyone can enjoy the meals and camaraderie? Dr. Saltz has some excellent ideas. (Hint: Advance planning helps.)
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm doctor
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Many people hope that
after the presidential election was done, the volume would be
turned down on politically charged rhetoric, on headlines and perhaps
even the derisive divide. Unfortunately, that has not necessarily been
(00:49):
the case, and political talk remains very volatile, hotly debated, divided,
and intensely argumentative. For many people, this adds a daily
tension to their lives due to disagreements in their mind
and in the person with other people in their community,
(01:10):
and fears that their way of living, what they care
about and what they want to see in their future
will be threatened by decision making that they have no
control over. They don't want to be on the losing side.
To day, I am answering a listener's question about the
upcoming holidays and handling the political divide that exists in
(01:32):
her family as well as her own political anxiety. No
matter what your political beliefs or affiliations are, it's safe
to say that all Americans are now living through a
continued time of political division and up people in our
nation's history. The past few months have brought daily headlines
(01:54):
that have added to the intense feelings that many people
of all their own convictions have felt since the last
presidential election, especially younger people, we are thinking about what
their future might look like. For some people, seeing news
about political discord with major headlines every day can cause distress.
(02:18):
Others on all sides of the current debates can feel
personally attacked by major ideological differences among their fellow Americans
or the actions of people at different levels of government.
And still other people may perceive opposing views from friends
(02:38):
or family members as a sense of betrayal. Conflict is
usually one of the main causes of stress that we
encounter in our lives, whether it's conflict with coworkers, with
family members, with our significant other, from friends we have,
or even people that we encounter on the street and
(03:00):
acquaintances that we don't even know very well. Conflict virtually
always takes a heavier toll on us than most other
forms of stress. It not only makes us feel instinctively
less supported socially and bring out our awareness that there's
a problem that needs to be solved, but it can
(03:22):
also stoke feelings of the need to belong, making us
feel less of that group based safety that we're frankly
evolutionarily wired to seek out. Political conflicts can be particularly
stressful because those views can be so divisive, and disagreements
(03:45):
can occur not only between acquaintances between close friends and
family members, which is when things can become even more tense.
Many people don't like to agree to disagree, but try
instead to convince people with opposing views that their view
(04:08):
is incorrect, which of course, can backfire when political views
are discussed. Social media and online discussions also contribute to
incivility and polarization of some of the political discussions. There
are many changes happening in the country and it can
(04:30):
be very stressful for those who are concerned about what
direction things are going, and this can make the discussions
about divide even more stressful. Even people who consider themselves
frankly a political may experience second hand stress from constant
(04:51):
exposure to the political turmoil and the arguments between individuals
around them or large groups that they hear about been
in the news, And of course, speaking of news, the
seven news cycle and social media do not help. It
may make it seem impossible to avoid this content. Now,
(05:16):
with the holidays around the corner, worries are often growing
that reunions with relatives and friends will include conversations about
more than just how delicious the turkey tastes. This year.
People think about traditional ways that they share the holiday
with family, and they want to repeat those traditions, but
(05:37):
in this political climate, they're also often stressed out about
having plans to meet with the family and having different views.
Conversations can be challenging to manage, and you might not
realize how they are affecting your mental health and your
health overall. So what are signs that maybe this is
(05:59):
all becoming too much? The political content, the world events,
and the discord about it. You might notice feeling anxious
or worried a lot about political content. You might have
waking or weight loss. You might have drastic mood swings,
difficulty sleeping, feeling very irritable, arguing more with others, or
(06:23):
even socially withdrawing, and physically it can take a toll
as well, like higher blood pressure. So with that, let's
turn to my listeners question and ask how can I help,
dear Doctor Salts. My aunt and uncle always come for
(06:46):
Thanksgiving dinner. The last two years have been exceedingly tense
because I am aware of their support for Donald Trump
and many of the political views that go with that,
which are not mine and not most of my families.
Last year we began arguing about our different views and
(07:06):
it came close to becoming very personal and even insulting,
and I felt so upset and it lasted for a
few weeks afterwards. My upset feeling after this holiday dinner.
This is my mother's only sister who she doesn't want
to lose her relationship with, and so though they don't
(07:26):
see eye to eye themselves, they have managed to steer
clear of politics mostly and they just talk about family
or jobs, or just about anything to keep from being
in conflict. But now Thanksgiving is again approaching, and of course,
as we have every year, we plan to be all together,
(07:47):
and I'm really uptight about how to be with them
and not feel furious and not have a fight. My
uncle would clearly happily go to the mat defending his
beliefs and speaking condescendingly about my own beliefs. In truth,
I don't like them very much, but they are my
(08:09):
family and it really makes my mom so upset when
we can't get along, and I love my mom a
lot and I don't want to hurt her. How can
I handle the holiday dinner in a way to diffuse
this ongoing feud that, at the end of the day
doesn't even change anyone's mind. The last statement of your
(08:30):
question is the most insightful on your part. It doesn't
change anyone's mind, So what exactly are you even trying
to accomplish? Actually, the only way to change minds, and
this is important, is to in fact actually earn deep
(08:50):
trust in a relationship, and then, when that trust is
already established, try to discuss differing viewpoints. Having an already
not trust feeling an adversarial relationship makes it pretty impossible
to change their minds or for theirs to change yours.
(09:13):
If you could build trust through other subject matter, then
you might have a better shot on this topic. That
being said, you've also, in a roundabout way, made it
clear that your family relationships matter more than convincing others
of your political beliefs. And on this family micro level,
(09:36):
I would agree with you, while somehow our society does
need to find ways to compromise and come together in
the service of the greater good of our society's country,
on the level of your family, do put those relationships first,
which means how can you diffuse the situations. Beeak ahead
(10:00):
of time before the holiday with your parents about planning
the holiday, and speak with others who do see eye
to eye with you about the need to put family first,
and that what you hear from and see from each
other might be remote from how you deep down feel.
In other words, they may say things and you may
(10:21):
say things that really aren't consistent with your true views
in the setting of this holiday dinner in order to
keep the peace, because you are all going to work
together to try to keep the peace. This will allow
a coordinated plan like making the invitation for a time
(10:42):
of day meal where there will be less opportunity, for example,
for drinking much alcohol, alcohol the great disinhibitor that ignites
many a meltdown at Thanksgiving, and also for being specific
and limited in how much time exactly is spent together
(11:02):
because too much time makes it hard to hold it
all together. So maybe, for example, lunch the invitation is
extended for twelve to two or an early supper from
five to seven. Two hours is enough enough for all
of you to be together but not lose the willpower
(11:24):
to avoid the argument. Then, also, ahead of time, think
about seating, not to be formal, but to avoid big
oil and water mixtures. So don't put yourself right next
to that uncle for the meal. Think up some neutral
topics to discuss when you do chat. Think of them
(11:47):
ahead of time, have a rehearsed list in your mind,
and come and be right out of the gate, super
friendly and loving at the start. Hey, I've missed you.
You look wonderful. I really want to hear about everything
new that's going on, because you do catch more flies
(12:07):
with honey. They really won't want to fight with their
very sweet niece. Now, you can only control yourself, you
can't control others. So if they do throw down with
for example, let's go brandon or some inflammatory statement, do
(12:27):
not engage. It's just not possible to have a fight
erupt when only one side is fighting. Either, say something like, hey,
I'd rather talk about that last Jets game, or hey,
excuse me a moment, I'm going to grab a drink,
or deflecting onto something just totally unrelated. Now, you may
(12:50):
feel angry, and that would be totally understandable, So have
some methods of cooling off that you can use. Walk
into another empty room and count to ten, close your eyes,
deep breathe. Just by taking a beat, you can let
the anger settle enough to be in control of what
(13:14):
you do next. You can even just say, hey, we'll
have to agree to disagree on this area, so let's
talk about and then fill in the blank with some
prethought idea of one of the things that you could
talk about that isn't off limits. The outcome will be
you still will not have changed their mind, but as
(13:37):
you've noted, you never were going to and you didn't
have an eruption, leaving relationships intact and not having for
you to bear the guilt of doing something you regret
and harming your mother's relationship with her sister. I hope
that was helpful. Be back in a moment with some
(13:59):
tips on dealing with your own political anxiety. Back with
tips on dealing with your own political anxiety. First, be
aware of how much time you spend engaging with political content.
(14:21):
Do you wake up and turn on the television to
watch the morning news, are you listening to radio commentary
on your commute to work, following politicians on Twitter, and
checking your social feeds. Often, think about how does this
content make you feel when you look and if it
makes you feel anxious or depressed. Really consider cutting down
(14:43):
on how much time and specifically where you're taking it from.
Time spent engaging with political content should feel like quality time.
Limiting your content to fact based, reputable, or are yet
primary sources. Perhaps that's national news outlets, something that is
(15:06):
not simply opinion news. The intake may personally feel more
valuable than reading the constant highlights from trending Twitter topics
or Facebook groups that are aimed at people with particular
views or affiliations. Be aware of your surroundings when you're
sharing political opinions, So how are you talking about politics
(15:30):
at home? At work with your friends? While educating or
sharing thoughts on some political topics may promote engaging and citizenship,
it can negatively affect bystanders and you. On the other hand,
during a stressful or difficult time, children in the home
(15:53):
may benefit from having you give them some guidance. Some
children might be struggling to understand and why is there
all this political tension? What is going on? And if
you sense that that is your child, this is a
good opportunity to have an engaging but balanced discussion about
(16:14):
current events. Don't assume other people, any other people in
your circle, even your friends and family, think the way
that you do. When you start a political discussion that
may quickly heat up intension or bring uncomfortable feelings, go gently.
(16:34):
Remember they might not agree with you. Even for the
like minded politically engaged people, be conscious that the other
person might be trying to limit the amount of political
exposure that they have, and try in conversations to be
open to hearing about other points of view. If you're
(16:55):
making an effort in this direction, it will make you
less anxious when you hear it. So imagine, for example,
you're at a gathering with family and somebody brings up politics.
What might initially make you feel dread can be reframed
in your mind as an educational opportunity. There are reasons
(17:17):
that people feel the way they do about certain issues
or other people, and you might not even know what
that is until you ask and are willing to listen,
and that interaction may also bring up a topic or
person that the other person wants to learn more about
as well. If you're not familiar with something brought up,
(17:38):
it's good to ask questions about it and also ask
where did they learn that from and why is that
important to them, so that you can understand differences of
opinion as supposed to just becoming really angry over it,
and that allows you to have difficult conversations without becoming
(18:01):
really bummed out by the end. Balanced, respectful discussions with
others can help give someone an understanding of the other side,
and being armed with facts and more understanding can help
actually reduce political stress. But also do remember that you
(18:23):
are always allowed to step away from a conversation, so
if a conversation does make you super uncomfortable, you are
allowed to change the topic or to literally walk away
and think about something else. Go in the other room
and wash the dishes, use the bathroom, anything you need
(18:46):
to do to remove yourself for a few moments and
think about self assessing your interests. If you do want
to be more politically active or engaged or proactive in
some way that actually would make you feel better. Still,
be aware what you can tolerate from a mental health perspective,
(19:09):
and evaluate for yourself. What are your motivations to be engaged?
Why do you consume the political content you do? Is
the amount good for you or should you cut back?
Where are you getting it from and how is it
making you feel? Should you alter where you get it from?
Might it make you feel calmer? Maybe you're engaged with
(19:33):
politics because you live with someone who never turns off
the news. Maybe you're following a policy change because it's
connected to a cause that you are actually passionate about
or something that you do for a living. So it
is important to be aware of what's going on in
our country in the world, but you need to take
care of yourself and your mental health first. So decide
(19:57):
if your level of engagement with the political news is
serving you best, and if it's not, make changes accordingly.
Do you have a problem I can help with? If so,
email me yet how can I help? At Seneca women
dot Com. All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
(20:17):
How can I help with me? Doctor Gale's Salts
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm doctor
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Many people hope that
after the presidential election was done, the volume would be
turned down on politically charged rhetoric, on headlines and perhaps
even the derisive divide. Unfortunately, that has not necessarily been
(00:49):
the case, and political talk remains very volatile, hotly debated, divided,
and intensely argumentative. For many people, this adds a daily
tension to their lives due to disagreements in their mind
and in the person with other people in their community,
(01:10):
and fears that their way of living, what they care
about and what they want to see in their future
will be threatened by decision making that they have no
control over. They don't want to be on the losing side.
To day, I am answering a listener's question about the
upcoming holidays and handling the political divide that exists in
(01:32):
her family as well as her own political anxiety. No
matter what your political beliefs or affiliations are, it's safe
to say that all Americans are now living through a
continued time of political division and up people in our
nation's history. The past few months have brought daily headlines
(01:54):
that have added to the intense feelings that many people
of all their own convictions have felt since the last
presidential election, especially younger people, we are thinking about what
their future might look like. For some people, seeing news
about political discord with major headlines every day can cause distress.
(02:18):
Others on all sides of the current debates can feel
personally attacked by major ideological differences among their fellow Americans
or the actions of people at different levels of government.
And still other people may perceive opposing views from friends
(02:38):
or family members as a sense of betrayal. Conflict is
usually one of the main causes of stress that we
encounter in our lives, whether it's conflict with coworkers, with
family members, with our significant other, from friends we have,
or even people that we encounter on the street and
(03:00):
acquaintances that we don't even know very well. Conflict virtually
always takes a heavier toll on us than most other
forms of stress. It not only makes us feel instinctively
less supported socially and bring out our awareness that there's
a problem that needs to be solved, but it can
(03:22):
also stoke feelings of the need to belong, making us
feel less of that group based safety that we're frankly
evolutionarily wired to seek out. Political conflicts can be particularly
stressful because those views can be so divisive, and disagreements
(03:45):
can occur not only between acquaintances between close friends and
family members, which is when things can become even more tense.
Many people don't like to agree to disagree, but try
instead to convince people with opposing views that their view
(04:08):
is incorrect, which of course, can backfire when political views
are discussed. Social media and online discussions also contribute to
incivility and polarization of some of the political discussions. There
are many changes happening in the country and it can
(04:30):
be very stressful for those who are concerned about what
direction things are going, and this can make the discussions
about divide even more stressful. Even people who consider themselves
frankly a political may experience second hand stress from constant
(04:51):
exposure to the political turmoil and the arguments between individuals
around them or large groups that they hear about been
in the news, And of course, speaking of news, the
seven news cycle and social media do not help. It
may make it seem impossible to avoid this content. Now,
(05:16):
with the holidays around the corner, worries are often growing
that reunions with relatives and friends will include conversations about
more than just how delicious the turkey tastes. This year.
People think about traditional ways that they share the holiday
with family, and they want to repeat those traditions, but
(05:37):
in this political climate, they're also often stressed out about
having plans to meet with the family and having different views.
Conversations can be challenging to manage, and you might not
realize how they are affecting your mental health and your
health overall. So what are signs that maybe this is
(05:59):
all becoming too much? The political content, the world events,
and the discord about it. You might notice feeling anxious
or worried a lot about political content. You might have
waking or weight loss. You might have drastic mood swings,
difficulty sleeping, feeling very irritable, arguing more with others, or
(06:23):
even socially withdrawing, and physically it can take a toll
as well, like higher blood pressure. So with that, let's
turn to my listeners question and ask how can I help,
dear Doctor Salts. My aunt and uncle always come for
(06:46):
Thanksgiving dinner. The last two years have been exceedingly tense
because I am aware of their support for Donald Trump
and many of the political views that go with that,
which are not mine and not most of my families.
Last year we began arguing about our different views and
(07:06):
it came close to becoming very personal and even insulting,
and I felt so upset and it lasted for a
few weeks afterwards. My upset feeling after this holiday dinner.
This is my mother's only sister who she doesn't want
to lose her relationship with, and so though they don't
(07:26):
see eye to eye themselves, they have managed to steer
clear of politics mostly and they just talk about family
or jobs, or just about anything to keep from being
in conflict. But now Thanksgiving is again approaching, and of course,
as we have every year, we plan to be all together,
(07:47):
and I'm really uptight about how to be with them
and not feel furious and not have a fight. My
uncle would clearly happily go to the mat defending his
beliefs and speaking condescendingly about my own beliefs. In truth,
I don't like them very much, but they are my
(08:09):
family and it really makes my mom so upset when
we can't get along, and I love my mom a
lot and I don't want to hurt her. How can
I handle the holiday dinner in a way to diffuse
this ongoing feud that, at the end of the day
doesn't even change anyone's mind. The last statement of your
(08:30):
question is the most insightful on your part. It doesn't
change anyone's mind, So what exactly are you even trying
to accomplish? Actually, the only way to change minds, and
this is important, is to in fact actually earn deep
(08:50):
trust in a relationship, and then, when that trust is
already established, try to discuss differing viewpoints. Having an already
not trust feeling an adversarial relationship makes it pretty impossible
to change their minds or for theirs to change yours.
(09:13):
If you could build trust through other subject matter, then
you might have a better shot on this topic. That
being said, you've also, in a roundabout way, made it
clear that your family relationships matter more than convincing others
of your political beliefs. And on this family micro level,
(09:36):
I would agree with you, while somehow our society does
need to find ways to compromise and come together in
the service of the greater good of our society's country,
on the level of your family, do put those relationships first,
which means how can you diffuse the situations. Beeak ahead
(10:00):
of time before the holiday with your parents about planning
the holiday, and speak with others who do see eye
to eye with you about the need to put family first,
and that what you hear from and see from each
other might be remote from how you deep down feel.
In other words, they may say things and you may
(10:21):
say things that really aren't consistent with your true views
in the setting of this holiday dinner in order to
keep the peace, because you are all going to work
together to try to keep the peace. This will allow
a coordinated plan like making the invitation for a time
(10:42):
of day meal where there will be less opportunity, for example,
for drinking much alcohol, alcohol the great disinhibitor that ignites
many a meltdown at Thanksgiving, and also for being specific
and limited in how much time exactly is spent together
(11:02):
because too much time makes it hard to hold it
all together. So maybe, for example, lunch the invitation is
extended for twelve to two or an early supper from
five to seven. Two hours is enough enough for all
of you to be together but not lose the willpower
(11:24):
to avoid the argument. Then, also, ahead of time, think
about seating, not to be formal, but to avoid big
oil and water mixtures. So don't put yourself right next
to that uncle for the meal. Think up some neutral
topics to discuss when you do chat. Think of them
(11:47):
ahead of time, have a rehearsed list in your mind,
and come and be right out of the gate, super
friendly and loving at the start. Hey, I've missed you.
You look wonderful. I really want to hear about everything
new that's going on, because you do catch more flies
(12:07):
with honey. They really won't want to fight with their
very sweet niece. Now, you can only control yourself, you
can't control others. So if they do throw down with
for example, let's go brandon or some inflammatory statement, do
(12:27):
not engage. It's just not possible to have a fight
erupt when only one side is fighting. Either, say something like, hey,
I'd rather talk about that last Jets game, or hey,
excuse me a moment, I'm going to grab a drink,
or deflecting onto something just totally unrelated. Now, you may
(12:50):
feel angry, and that would be totally understandable, So have
some methods of cooling off that you can use. Walk
into another empty room and count to ten, close your eyes,
deep breathe. Just by taking a beat, you can let
the anger settle enough to be in control of what
(13:14):
you do next. You can even just say, hey, we'll
have to agree to disagree on this area, so let's
talk about and then fill in the blank with some
prethought idea of one of the things that you could
talk about that isn't off limits. The outcome will be
you still will not have changed their mind, but as
(13:37):
you've noted, you never were going to and you didn't
have an eruption, leaving relationships intact and not having for
you to bear the guilt of doing something you regret
and harming your mother's relationship with her sister. I hope
that was helpful. Be back in a moment with some
(13:59):
tips on dealing with your own political anxiety. Back with
tips on dealing with your own political anxiety. First, be
aware of how much time you spend engaging with political content.
(14:21):
Do you wake up and turn on the television to
watch the morning news, are you listening to radio commentary
on your commute to work, following politicians on Twitter, and
checking your social feeds. Often, think about how does this
content make you feel when you look and if it
makes you feel anxious or depressed. Really consider cutting down
(14:43):
on how much time and specifically where you're taking it from.
Time spent engaging with political content should feel like quality time.
Limiting your content to fact based, reputable, or are yet
primary sources. Perhaps that's national news outlets, something that is
(15:06):
not simply opinion news. The intake may personally feel more
valuable than reading the constant highlights from trending Twitter topics
or Facebook groups that are aimed at people with particular
views or affiliations. Be aware of your surroundings when you're
sharing political opinions, So how are you talking about politics
(15:30):
at home? At work with your friends? While educating or
sharing thoughts on some political topics may promote engaging and citizenship,
it can negatively affect bystanders and you. On the other hand,
during a stressful or difficult time, children in the home
(15:53):
may benefit from having you give them some guidance. Some
children might be struggling to understand and why is there
all this political tension? What is going on? And if
you sense that that is your child, this is a
good opportunity to have an engaging but balanced discussion about
(16:14):
current events. Don't assume other people, any other people in
your circle, even your friends and family, think the way
that you do. When you start a political discussion that
may quickly heat up intension or bring uncomfortable feelings, go gently.
(16:34):
Remember they might not agree with you. Even for the
like minded politically engaged people, be conscious that the other
person might be trying to limit the amount of political
exposure that they have, and try in conversations to be
open to hearing about other points of view. If you're
(16:55):
making an effort in this direction, it will make you
less anxious when you hear it. So imagine, for example,
you're at a gathering with family and somebody brings up politics.
What might initially make you feel dread can be reframed
in your mind as an educational opportunity. There are reasons
(17:17):
that people feel the way they do about certain issues
or other people, and you might not even know what
that is until you ask and are willing to listen,
and that interaction may also bring up a topic or
person that the other person wants to learn more about
as well. If you're not familiar with something brought up,
(17:38):
it's good to ask questions about it and also ask
where did they learn that from and why is that
important to them, so that you can understand differences of
opinion as supposed to just becoming really angry over it,
and that allows you to have difficult conversations without becoming
(18:01):
really bummed out by the end. Balanced, respectful discussions with
others can help give someone an understanding of the other side,
and being armed with facts and more understanding can help
actually reduce political stress. But also do remember that you
(18:23):
are always allowed to step away from a conversation, so
if a conversation does make you super uncomfortable, you are
allowed to change the topic or to literally walk away
and think about something else. Go in the other room
and wash the dishes, use the bathroom, anything you need
(18:46):
to do to remove yourself for a few moments and
think about self assessing your interests. If you do want
to be more politically active or engaged or proactive in
some way that actually would make you feel better. Still,
be aware what you can tolerate from a mental health perspective,
(19:09):
and evaluate for yourself. What are your motivations to be engaged?
Why do you consume the political content you do? Is
the amount good for you or should you cut back?
Where are you getting it from and how is it
making you feel? Should you alter where you get it from?
Might it make you feel calmer? Maybe you're engaged with
(19:33):
politics because you live with someone who never turns off
the news. Maybe you're following a policy change because it's
connected to a cause that you are actually passionate about
or something that you do for a living. So it
is important to be aware of what's going on in
our country in the world, but you need to take
care of yourself and your mental health first. So decide
(19:57):
if your level of engagement with the political news is
serving you best, and if it's not, make changes accordingly.
Do you have a problem I can help with? If so,
email me yet how can I help? At Seneca women
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