September 17, 2021 • 15 mins
It’s normal to be worried about your finances, especially in challenging times. Dr. Saltz helps a listener face her fears, and offers advice on how to talk with a partner about this important topic.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. There are particular areas
that are often stressful in many people's lives, money or
lack thereof, being one of the most common. This past
year has been of volatile and uncertain time economically for
(00:48):
so many people. Dealing with economic fears is common and challenging,
and that is why today I have a listener question
from a woman and whose anxiety is predominantly about money
in the future. The economy has been labile four months now,
(01:10):
and even more so, many people have a lot of
uncertainty as to whether their employer will keep them, or
whether their employer will even survive, or whether they can
keep working there. We are in a pandemic of indeterminate length,
which is taking its toll on the economy. Many people
(01:32):
this month will be panicking about how they will pay
their taxes, let alone have money for vacations, a kid's class,
car breakdowns, and home repairs. As you walk around increasingly panicked,
you can be sure it will take a toll on
(01:52):
you and your family. Anxieties can affect your health, causing
high blood pressure, heart attacks, ulcers, and headaches. Money issues
are one of the biggest stressors in a marriage, often
causing huge arguments and tension. When you're stressed, your kids
(02:18):
always notice, and they too can become fearful about the
financial future of your family. On the other hand, if
they are totally kept in the dark about the nature
of your fears, they may think it's something even worse,
like you are sick or dying, and they may add
(02:39):
to your stress by insisting on continued spending. It makes
you feel both guilty and also angry. So all in all,
it's best to find ways to communicate about and deal
with financial worries because stick in your head in the
sand on this topic is bound to result in a
(03:01):
terrible outcome like tremendous family anxiety and arguments, debt, and
even bankruptcy. So with that in mind, let's get to
it and see how can I help. Dear doctor salts.
My husband and I both have pretty good jobs, and
I have come from a person who was so constantly
(03:23):
focused on having enough money to meet the moment to
one that does have enough money to pay my bills,
to have a home, have my kids in school, and
do some nice things. You would think this would take
me from being the always money worrying person I was
to a commer, more content version of myself, but no.
(03:47):
I have recently found myself awakening during the night feeling
panicked that we don't have a nest egg, that we
don't have savings in case there's an emergency, a carret,
a medical illness. I realized these things may never happen,
but I keep thinking what if they do? And this
(04:08):
nervousness is building over time, and it is now something
I'm feeling worried about a lot of the day. I
have started bugging my husband, who is saying we are okay,
which actually is just making me feel more anxious. I'm
asking you because I don't know. Maybe this is just
(04:29):
an anxiety problem or is it? How can I tell?
And what can I do? The thing about anxiety problems
is that they are almost always having at least a
kernel of truth to them, making it sometimes really hard
for the worrior to tell if this is a true
(04:51):
danger or more of a mental health issue. This can
especially be the case when it comes to something and
like money, because generally speaking, people can have such varied
approaches to and comforts with money that is not always clear.
(05:13):
As you mentioned, your husband feels things are just fine
without a nest egg or does he might he be
saying things are okay because he doesn't want to or
doesn't have a way of addressing it right now. Again,
it can be hard to say either way. You do
(05:36):
have a lot of thoughts about the importance of having
an emergency fund, and your idea is not a rational
nor off the wall. Many people do feel it is
responsible to put away even thirty to fifty dollars a
week to start growing an emergency fund in case some
unexpected emergency really does happen. This may be a more
(06:00):
conservative stance financially than your husband, but that does not
mean that it should be dismissed. Anxiety is your mind's
warning bell. It's telling you that it perceives danger. Your
job is to evaluate the proximity of danger to then
(06:21):
do problem solving around the perceived danger, and then if
high anxiety continues after that, consider that it may be
your mind on anxiety overdrive, and that you might need
to work to have methods of relaxing and in a
way ignoring the continued anxiety doing things that relax You
(06:46):
may be using therapy sometimes if it's really pervasive, considering medication.
In this case, I would say that the danger feels
like an unexpected problem that requires funds and not having any,
so talking to your husband about the value to you
(07:10):
of feeling more secure and starting to create an emergency fund.
It's not that the money will be gone, which might
be his concern, but it does mean finding where you
can save just a little a week from to start
some sort of nest day. Even fifty a week can
(07:33):
create a fund. How can I help with Dr Gail
Salts will be back after the short break. As you
do this, you should also be working at the same
(07:53):
time to problem solve around the anxiety too, so adding
some anxiety coping tools to your toolbox. Those could be
things like aerobic exercise or deep breathing, muscle relaxation, taking
up meditation, methods of relaxing at home. If making a
(08:15):
plan to solve the problem does not diminish the anxiety.
If the anxiety causes you to worry about it most days,
to be preoccupied, to lose concentration, feel physically nervous, and
as you mentioned, disrupt sleep, stealing feeling happy from your life,
(08:36):
then this probably does need addressing from a professional with therapy,
for example, with CBT cognitive behavioral therapy, it can really
be helpful with this type of anxiety. That being said,
it doesn't mean that you haven't identified something that you
do feel needs addressing, and I would tell you that
(09:00):
when you and your partner don't agree on something that
requires problem solving, the solution is not to just do
in your own anxiety. The solution is about reaching some
sort of compromise and helping your partner to really empathize
with the true concern that you have. So I would
(09:21):
advise you to sit down with him and explain not
all of the calamities that could happen in life, but
that for you it really is important to have some
sort of even relatively small nesting aside. Help him to
understand how this would make you feel financially more secure
(09:44):
and more able to be a good partner and talk
about ways you can do this that will be comfortable
for both of you. I hope that was helpful. When
it comes to anxiety about money, here are some other
very important things to consider. First, educate yourself. Sometimes when
(10:09):
we are scared, we tend to look the other way
to diminish our fear. In this case, not knowing where
all the money is going, what money is will be
needed this year, your level of money owed, for example,
in credit card debt and general budgeting and financial planning
(10:30):
feels dangerous because you're nervous. Often one spouse knows and
is the financial family planner, and the other tends to
stay clueless, perhaps because they're anxious about the subject matter.
This is not a good idea in times of fear
(10:52):
and tension. Both partners need to know what's going on
because decisions that include sacrifice may need to be made,
and a relationship works best when it is mutual or
a compromise, rather than one person dictating to the other.
So make sure that you both know what's going on. Next,
(11:15):
be a team. Negotiate your life priorities together. If she
wants to give up the swim club this summer but
still go on a vacation. If he wants to give
up the vacation but keep the second car. Maybe she
is terrified of credit card debt and he is more
scared of having her go back to work. You have
(11:36):
to talk about the priorities that two of you each
have for your family. Is it education, after school, extras,
family trips, or another child. Each of you should think
through your life priorities and then share that with each
other so that you can come up with a unified
plan that will avoid fights and make your relationship feel
(11:59):
like a partnership, tackling the tough stuff together rather than
being adversaries. Now, when it comes to family, next, I say,
really talk to your kids. They know when you are scared,
so tell them why, but couch it in reassuring terms.
In other words, you can tell them that times are
(12:22):
tight and you're figuring out ways to make it work
for the family, but be sure to reassure them that
the basics will be Okay. My basics I mean that
you are together and that you have each other, that
you are well and there for them, and you will
have the things you need to get by together. Explain
(12:46):
that while it may be disappointing to give up other
things that you had, and it is that disappointment that
they're seeing in you that in fact, they are not
the most important things in life. It is reassurance of
the love and presence of you and that you will
keep them safe that matters most. Next model for your
(13:11):
kids show them how to be self disciplined about money.
Show them what delayed gratification is. Give them ideas on
how one makes money decisions by prioritizing. You do not
need to give them details about the finances to do this,
just showing them that you save money for something that
(13:34):
matters to you to have later, that you shouldn't just
by that yo yo because you want it now, but
only after some thought in the context of what else
you may need and want later. And lastly, empower the children.
Feeling that they can help in their own way will
(13:55):
make your children feel they are part of the family
team and feel empowered. For instance, what do they feel
they have been spending money on that they might feel
that they could give up. How might they earn some
extra money with babysitting or mowing a lawn. Helping to
stretch the family money by helping with meals, gardening, and babysitting,
(14:20):
being aware of some conserving like making sure the lights
are off or the water is not running. Put this
in light of ways that you really appreciate their pitching
in to help your whole family handle money better, not
in terms of their not being enough money for lights
(14:40):
and water. Do you have a problem I can help with?
If so, email me at How can I help? At
Seneca women dot com. All centers remain anonymous and listen
every Friday too. How can I help with me? Doctor
Gale Salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. There are particular areas
that are often stressful in many people's lives, money or
lack thereof, being one of the most common. This past
year has been of volatile and uncertain time economically for
(00:48):
so many people. Dealing with economic fears is common and challenging,
and that is why today I have a listener question
from a woman and whose anxiety is predominantly about money
in the future. The economy has been labile four months now,
(01:10):
and even more so, many people have a lot of
uncertainty as to whether their employer will keep them, or
whether their employer will even survive, or whether they can
keep working there. We are in a pandemic of indeterminate length,
which is taking its toll on the economy. Many people
(01:32):
this month will be panicking about how they will pay
their taxes, let alone have money for vacations, a kid's class,
car breakdowns, and home repairs. As you walk around increasingly panicked,
you can be sure it will take a toll on
(01:52):
you and your family. Anxieties can affect your health, causing
high blood pressure, heart attacks, ulcers, and headaches. Money issues
are one of the biggest stressors in a marriage, often
causing huge arguments and tension. When you're stressed, your kids
(02:18):
always notice, and they too can become fearful about the
financial future of your family. On the other hand, if
they are totally kept in the dark about the nature
of your fears, they may think it's something even worse,
like you are sick or dying, and they may add
(02:39):
to your stress by insisting on continued spending. It makes
you feel both guilty and also angry. So all in all,
it's best to find ways to communicate about and deal
with financial worries because stick in your head in the
sand on this topic is bound to result in a
(03:01):
terrible outcome like tremendous family anxiety and arguments, debt, and
even bankruptcy. So with that in mind, let's get to
it and see how can I help. Dear doctor salts.
My husband and I both have pretty good jobs, and
I have come from a person who was so constantly
(03:23):
focused on having enough money to meet the moment to
one that does have enough money to pay my bills,
to have a home, have my kids in school, and
do some nice things. You would think this would take
me from being the always money worrying person I was
to a commer, more content version of myself, but no.
(03:47):
I have recently found myself awakening during the night feeling
panicked that we don't have a nest egg, that we
don't have savings in case there's an emergency, a carret,
a medical illness. I realized these things may never happen,
but I keep thinking what if they do? And this
(04:08):
nervousness is building over time, and it is now something
I'm feeling worried about a lot of the day. I
have started bugging my husband, who is saying we are okay,
which actually is just making me feel more anxious. I'm
asking you because I don't know. Maybe this is just
(04:29):
an anxiety problem or is it? How can I tell?
And what can I do? The thing about anxiety problems
is that they are almost always having at least a
kernel of truth to them, making it sometimes really hard
for the worrior to tell if this is a true
(04:51):
danger or more of a mental health issue. This can
especially be the case when it comes to something and
like money, because generally speaking, people can have such varied
approaches to and comforts with money that is not always clear.
(05:13):
As you mentioned, your husband feels things are just fine
without a nest egg or does he might he be
saying things are okay because he doesn't want to or
doesn't have a way of addressing it right now. Again,
it can be hard to say either way. You do
(05:36):
have a lot of thoughts about the importance of having
an emergency fund, and your idea is not a rational
nor off the wall. Many people do feel it is
responsible to put away even thirty to fifty dollars a
week to start growing an emergency fund in case some
unexpected emergency really does happen. This may be a more
(06:00):
conservative stance financially than your husband, but that does not
mean that it should be dismissed. Anxiety is your mind's
warning bell. It's telling you that it perceives danger. Your
job is to evaluate the proximity of danger to then
(06:21):
do problem solving around the perceived danger, and then if
high anxiety continues after that, consider that it may be
your mind on anxiety overdrive, and that you might need
to work to have methods of relaxing and in a
way ignoring the continued anxiety doing things that relax You
(06:46):
may be using therapy sometimes if it's really pervasive, considering medication.
In this case, I would say that the danger feels
like an unexpected problem that requires funds and not having any,
so talking to your husband about the value to you
(07:10):
of feeling more secure and starting to create an emergency fund.
It's not that the money will be gone, which might
be his concern, but it does mean finding where you
can save just a little a week from to start
some sort of nest day. Even fifty a week can
(07:33):
create a fund. How can I help with Dr Gail
Salts will be back after the short break. As you
do this, you should also be working at the same
(07:53):
time to problem solve around the anxiety too, so adding
some anxiety coping tools to your toolbox. Those could be
things like aerobic exercise or deep breathing, muscle relaxation, taking
up meditation, methods of relaxing at home. If making a
(08:15):
plan to solve the problem does not diminish the anxiety.
If the anxiety causes you to worry about it most days,
to be preoccupied, to lose concentration, feel physically nervous, and
as you mentioned, disrupt sleep, stealing feeling happy from your life,
(08:36):
then this probably does need addressing from a professional with therapy,
for example, with CBT cognitive behavioral therapy, it can really
be helpful with this type of anxiety. That being said,
it doesn't mean that you haven't identified something that you
do feel needs addressing, and I would tell you that
(09:00):
when you and your partner don't agree on something that
requires problem solving, the solution is not to just do
in your own anxiety. The solution is about reaching some
sort of compromise and helping your partner to really empathize
with the true concern that you have. So I would
(09:21):
advise you to sit down with him and explain not
all of the calamities that could happen in life, but
that for you it really is important to have some
sort of even relatively small nesting aside. Help him to
understand how this would make you feel financially more secure
(09:44):
and more able to be a good partner and talk
about ways you can do this that will be comfortable
for both of you. I hope that was helpful. When
it comes to anxiety about money, here are some other
very important things to consider. First, educate yourself. Sometimes when
(10:09):
we are scared, we tend to look the other way
to diminish our fear. In this case, not knowing where
all the money is going, what money is will be
needed this year, your level of money owed, for example,
in credit card debt and general budgeting and financial planning
(10:30):
feels dangerous because you're nervous. Often one spouse knows and
is the financial family planner, and the other tends to
stay clueless, perhaps because they're anxious about the subject matter.
This is not a good idea in times of fear
(10:52):
and tension. Both partners need to know what's going on
because decisions that include sacrifice may need to be made,
and a relationship works best when it is mutual or
a compromise, rather than one person dictating to the other.
So make sure that you both know what's going on. Next,
(11:15):
be a team. Negotiate your life priorities together. If she
wants to give up the swim club this summer but
still go on a vacation. If he wants to give
up the vacation but keep the second car. Maybe she
is terrified of credit card debt and he is more
scared of having her go back to work. You have
(11:36):
to talk about the priorities that two of you each
have for your family. Is it education, after school, extras,
family trips, or another child. Each of you should think
through your life priorities and then share that with each
other so that you can come up with a unified
plan that will avoid fights and make your relationship feel
(11:59):
like a partnership, tackling the tough stuff together rather than
being adversaries. Now, when it comes to family, next, I say,
really talk to your kids. They know when you are scared,
so tell them why, but couch it in reassuring terms.
In other words, you can tell them that times are
(12:22):
tight and you're figuring out ways to make it work
for the family, but be sure to reassure them that
the basics will be Okay. My basics I mean that
you are together and that you have each other, that
you are well and there for them, and you will
have the things you need to get by together. Explain
(12:46):
that while it may be disappointing to give up other
things that you had, and it is that disappointment that
they're seeing in you that in fact, they are not
the most important things in life. It is reassurance of
the love and presence of you and that you will
keep them safe that matters most. Next model for your
(13:11):
kids show them how to be self disciplined about money.
Show them what delayed gratification is. Give them ideas on
how one makes money decisions by prioritizing. You do not
need to give them details about the finances to do this,
just showing them that you save money for something that
(13:34):
matters to you to have later, that you shouldn't just
by that yo yo because you want it now, but
only after some thought in the context of what else
you may need and want later. And lastly, empower the children.
Feeling that they can help in their own way will
(13:55):
make your children feel they are part of the family
team and feel empowered. For instance, what do they feel
they have been spending money on that they might feel
that they could give up. How might they earn some
extra money with babysitting or mowing a lawn. Helping to
stretch the family money by helping with meals, gardening, and babysitting,
(14:20):
being aware of some conserving like making sure the lights
are off or the water is not running. Put this
in light of ways that you really appreciate their pitching
in to help your whole family handle money better, not
in terms of their not being enough money for lights
(14:40):
and water. Do you have a problem I can help with?
If so, email me at How can I help? At
Seneca women dot com. All centers remain anonymous and listen
every Friday too. How can I help with me? Doctor
Gale Salts
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