April 16, 2021 • 13 mins
For some couples, open, honest communication is a struggle. Dr. Saltz answers listener questions about how to improve the discussions—and thereby the relationship.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm doctor
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. There are numerous key
ingredients that go into growing and maintaining a healthy and
thriving romantic relationship. Today, we're going to answer some of
your questions around communication in our relationships. Top topics of
(00:47):
disagreement are commonly money and sex, but often the content
is less important than what lies beneath, and that is
how well a couple communicates with each other. Communication can
take many forms, including arguing. Arguing in and of itself
is not a bad thing. In fact, it is generally
(01:10):
an inevitable thing. Given you are not romantically attached to
your clone, you will disagree, and disagreement can and should
be given voice because silent festering is doomed to cause
a growing distance, distrust, erosion, and ultimately explosion of the relationship.
(01:32):
But it's how you disagree that matters most. In fact,
it's how you communicate overall that sets the tone for
the future. All important trust, intimacy, and commitment of the relationship.
Arguing should be a form of communication, but too often
(01:54):
is really used as a form of control and power
in a relationship. At the end of the day, the
goal for both of you is to understand each other
better and to feel understood by your partner. Mutual respect,
appreciation for each other, and making sure you're trying to
(02:15):
meet both your own and your partner's needs matters far
more than who wins the argument if you want the
relationship to have longevity. So let's get to it and
see how can I help Question one, Dear doctor Saltz.
(02:38):
When my partner is upset, they often shut down. They
don't talk me through what's wrong, even if I'm the problem.
When this is the case, it gets even harder because
they often start acting in a passive, aggressive way. How
can I get them to open up about what's bothering them?
(02:59):
People will often come into a relationship with a communication
style that is based on past relationships and relating. Actually,
one's family of origin has a big influence on the
way you communicate. You watched your parents talk to each other,
fight with each other, and have been influenced about how
(03:20):
it's done. You also learned a mode of how to
communicate with them. You continue to be influenced by early
friendships and early romantic relationships. If your models and experiences
made clear to you that it's not safe in a
relationship to talk about what's wrong, if arguing is scary
(03:44):
or fruitless, then you may have a lot of difficulty
doing things differently, even if you think you are ready
and willing to receive it. It doesn't, however, mean you
can't change. In your case, your partners sounds like they
are stonewalling. And stonewalling is what the Gottment Institute calls
(04:06):
one of the four horsemen of communication that can over
time predict the end of a relationship. The other three
are criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. By not telling you what's
wrong and not engaging in any discussion of how they feel,
(04:28):
they prevent any possibility of you understanding, empathizing, and even
making changes. They may make things better for them, but
as you know, it doesn't mean their anger goes away.
It means it sits underground and comes up in indirect
ways that you experience as passive aggressive behavior. They are
(04:53):
still expressing their anger, but now it's in a way
that doesn't allow you to acknowledge it and discuss their
feelings and even to problem solve around it. There are
two ways to approach this. One is to model what
you hope they will do. Do with them what you
(05:14):
would like them to do with you. When you feel angry,
were frustrated. Ask them to sit down, and then you
explain how and why you are feeling as you do.
Avoid using the word you as a start, and instead
use I feel when you do this orre that happens like.
(05:39):
Instead of saying you did this, say I feel sad
or upset when you don't help with the chores. Avoid
putting them on the defensive. The goal is to help
them understand how you feel and ask them to empathize
or stand in your shoes for a moment. Express your
(06:04):
appreciation for them doing so if they do, and tell
them how grateful you are to have them and their
ability to sit with your feelings. Then part two, ask
them to do the same thing. Try to do this,
ask not in the moment that they seem really upset,
(06:28):
you got to give it a little time, wait till
they don't seem really upset, when they've sort of diffused
their own feelings, and then ask them if they'll sit
with you and tell you how they're feeling. Do not interrupt,
do not answer back with defensive statements, but rather take
a moment, listen, synthesize what they just said, and when
(06:52):
they're done, say back to them what you think you heard.
The point of this is to see if you understand
what they are actually saying, and give them a chance
to correct you if you are off. This also allows
them to feel understood in the moment, to feel yeah,
(07:14):
you really get it, you're really empathizing. Practice this technique
of mirroring each other, that's kind of what it's called
taking turns. Expressing your inner feelings. Telling the other what
you think you heard and correcting it as needed is
a great way to get comfortable with sharing hard and
(07:35):
intimate feelings and growing a sense of trust and understanding
between you. How can I help with Dr Gail Salts
will be back after the short break question too. I'm
(08:02):
in a new relationship and I'm having a hard time
opening up to my partner. We don't have a lot
of serious or emotional conversations, and because of this, I
feel like we still don't really know each other. How
do we get to this next level? Sometimes relationships naturally
move in this direction, and sometimes they don't. If one
(08:25):
or both of you have fear about being vulnerable and
exposed in some way, because then you feel at more
risk of being hurt, it can shut down attempts to
get deeper and more connected. A superficial relationship does not
have longevity, so you are right to want to move
(08:46):
beyond this. To do so requires accepting that you or
they may find yourself more vulnerable, more attached, less able
to control the other person's view of you or you
of them. Since you say you have a hard time
opening up, the question is is this your pattern or
(09:11):
is this new? If this is your pattern, like you've
repeated this several times in the past, then some inner
reflection of what frightens you about showing who you really
are to someone is in order. Accepting seeing who they
are without being disappointed, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable
(09:34):
and less inhibited with your feelings which does risk hurt
is needed for you to have any deep relationships. Going forward.
You do have awareness of this, and therefore you may
be able to think this through on your own. On
the other hand, you might wish to have help from
a psychotherapist to understand it more deeply. If this has
(09:58):
not been your pattern and it's new with this new partner,
you may be picking up on some signal that they
are avoiding emotional content, and they may have their own
fears of being vulnerable. Either way, if this is a
relationship that has promised, I'd strongly urge you to, as
Nike says, just do it. Just say I really want
(10:22):
to know more about how you think and feel. Using
the mirroring technique that I described before, and taking turns
explaining how you feel about something something like future goals,
current important relationships, work feelings, and then taking turns repeating
(10:43):
back what you each understood from the other can help
you dive deeper while at the same time preserving positive
feelings about each other. It might seem weird or really
hard at burst, but it will grow more comfortable with time,
and it will help you build a closer intimacy and
trust between you. I hope that was helpful. Here are
(11:13):
a few thoughts we can take away from today's questions.
In terms of things to keep top of mind in
improving your communication with a partner, make an effort to
communicate how much you like them, not just love them.
Tell them and remind them what you really do like
about them. Notice them doing something you like, and make
(11:37):
a point to compliment them on it. Along these lines,
remind yourself what you like about them, just to yourself,
because even in the worst of times, it's really helpful
to think back and remind yourself what you initially fell
in love with, What you initially saw and really liked
(11:57):
about them. Exp rest both to yourself and to them,
the gratitude you feel to have them in your life.
It's so important to understand them and be understood by them,
which requires you both to listen and respond, not ignore
one another. Do you have a problem I can help with?
(12:20):
If so, email me at how Can I Help at
Seneca Women dot com. All senders remain anonymous and listen
every Friday to how can I help with me? Dr
Gail Salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm doctor
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. There are numerous key
ingredients that go into growing and maintaining a healthy and
thriving romantic relationship. Today, we're going to answer some of
your questions around communication in our relationships. Top topics of
(00:47):
disagreement are commonly money and sex, but often the content
is less important than what lies beneath, and that is
how well a couple communicates with each other. Communication can
take many forms, including arguing. Arguing in and of itself
is not a bad thing. In fact, it is generally
(01:10):
an inevitable thing. Given you are not romantically attached to
your clone, you will disagree, and disagreement can and should
be given voice because silent festering is doomed to cause
a growing distance, distrust, erosion, and ultimately explosion of the relationship.
(01:32):
But it's how you disagree that matters most. In fact,
it's how you communicate overall that sets the tone for
the future. All important trust, intimacy, and commitment of the relationship.
Arguing should be a form of communication, but too often
(01:54):
is really used as a form of control and power
in a relationship. At the end of the day, the
goal for both of you is to understand each other
better and to feel understood by your partner. Mutual respect,
appreciation for each other, and making sure you're trying to
(02:15):
meet both your own and your partner's needs matters far
more than who wins the argument if you want the
relationship to have longevity. So let's get to it and
see how can I help Question one, Dear doctor Saltz.
(02:38):
When my partner is upset, they often shut down. They
don't talk me through what's wrong, even if I'm the problem.
When this is the case, it gets even harder because
they often start acting in a passive, aggressive way. How
can I get them to open up about what's bothering them?
(02:59):
People will often come into a relationship with a communication
style that is based on past relationships and relating. Actually,
one's family of origin has a big influence on the
way you communicate. You watched your parents talk to each other,
fight with each other, and have been influenced about how
(03:20):
it's done. You also learned a mode of how to
communicate with them. You continue to be influenced by early
friendships and early romantic relationships. If your models and experiences
made clear to you that it's not safe in a
relationship to talk about what's wrong, if arguing is scary
(03:44):
or fruitless, then you may have a lot of difficulty
doing things differently, even if you think you are ready
and willing to receive it. It doesn't, however, mean you
can't change. In your case, your partners sounds like they
are stonewalling. And stonewalling is what the Gottment Institute calls
(04:06):
one of the four horsemen of communication that can over
time predict the end of a relationship. The other three
are criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. By not telling you what's
wrong and not engaging in any discussion of how they feel,
(04:28):
they prevent any possibility of you understanding, empathizing, and even
making changes. They may make things better for them, but
as you know, it doesn't mean their anger goes away.
It means it sits underground and comes up in indirect
ways that you experience as passive aggressive behavior. They are
(04:53):
still expressing their anger, but now it's in a way
that doesn't allow you to acknowledge it and discuss their
feelings and even to problem solve around it. There are
two ways to approach this. One is to model what
you hope they will do. Do with them what you
(05:14):
would like them to do with you. When you feel angry,
were frustrated. Ask them to sit down, and then you
explain how and why you are feeling as you do.
Avoid using the word you as a start, and instead
use I feel when you do this orre that happens like.
(05:39):
Instead of saying you did this, say I feel sad
or upset when you don't help with the chores. Avoid
putting them on the defensive. The goal is to help
them understand how you feel and ask them to empathize
or stand in your shoes for a moment. Express your
(06:04):
appreciation for them doing so if they do, and tell
them how grateful you are to have them and their
ability to sit with your feelings. Then part two, ask
them to do the same thing. Try to do this,
ask not in the moment that they seem really upset,
(06:28):
you got to give it a little time, wait till
they don't seem really upset, when they've sort of diffused
their own feelings, and then ask them if they'll sit
with you and tell you how they're feeling. Do not interrupt,
do not answer back with defensive statements, but rather take
a moment, listen, synthesize what they just said, and when
(06:52):
they're done, say back to them what you think you heard.
The point of this is to see if you understand
what they are actually saying, and give them a chance
to correct you if you are off. This also allows
them to feel understood in the moment, to feel yeah,
(07:14):
you really get it, you're really empathizing. Practice this technique
of mirroring each other, that's kind of what it's called
taking turns. Expressing your inner feelings. Telling the other what
you think you heard and correcting it as needed is
a great way to get comfortable with sharing hard and
(07:35):
intimate feelings and growing a sense of trust and understanding
between you. How can I help with Dr Gail Salts
will be back after the short break question too. I'm
(08:02):
in a new relationship and I'm having a hard time
opening up to my partner. We don't have a lot
of serious or emotional conversations, and because of this, I
feel like we still don't really know each other. How
do we get to this next level? Sometimes relationships naturally
move in this direction, and sometimes they don't. If one
(08:25):
or both of you have fear about being vulnerable and
exposed in some way, because then you feel at more
risk of being hurt, it can shut down attempts to
get deeper and more connected. A superficial relationship does not
have longevity, so you are right to want to move
(08:46):
beyond this. To do so requires accepting that you or
they may find yourself more vulnerable, more attached, less able
to control the other person's view of you or you
of them. Since you say you have a hard time
opening up, the question is is this your pattern or
(09:11):
is this new? If this is your pattern, like you've
repeated this several times in the past, then some inner
reflection of what frightens you about showing who you really
are to someone is in order. Accepting seeing who they
are without being disappointed, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable
(09:34):
and less inhibited with your feelings which does risk hurt
is needed for you to have any deep relationships. Going forward.
You do have awareness of this, and therefore you may
be able to think this through on your own. On
the other hand, you might wish to have help from
a psychotherapist to understand it more deeply. If this has
(09:58):
not been your pattern and it's new with this new partner,
you may be picking up on some signal that they
are avoiding emotional content, and they may have their own
fears of being vulnerable. Either way, if this is a
relationship that has promised, I'd strongly urge you to, as
Nike says, just do it. Just say I really want
(10:22):
to know more about how you think and feel. Using
the mirroring technique that I described before, and taking turns
explaining how you feel about something something like future goals,
current important relationships, work feelings, and then taking turns repeating
(10:43):
back what you each understood from the other can help
you dive deeper while at the same time preserving positive
feelings about each other. It might seem weird or really
hard at burst, but it will grow more comfortable with time,
and it will help you build a closer intimacy and
trust between you. I hope that was helpful. Here are
(11:13):
a few thoughts we can take away from today's questions.
In terms of things to keep top of mind in
improving your communication with a partner, make an effort to
communicate how much you like them, not just love them.
Tell them and remind them what you really do like
about them. Notice them doing something you like, and make
(11:37):
a point to compliment them on it. Along these lines,
remind yourself what you like about them, just to yourself,
because even in the worst of times, it's really helpful
to think back and remind yourself what you initially fell
in love with, What you initially saw and really liked
(11:57):
about them. Exp rest both to yourself and to them,
the gratitude you feel to have them in your life.
It's so important to understand them and be understood by them,
which requires you both to listen and respond, not ignore
one another. Do you have a problem I can help with?
(12:20):
If so, email me at how Can I Help at
Seneca Women dot com. All senders remain anonymous and listen
every Friday to how can I help with me? Dr
Gail Salts
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