April 23, 2021 • 14 mins
For women, few things in life are more important than friends. But they can also present challenges. Psychiatrist Dr. Gail Saltz answers listeners’ questions about how to deal with tough friendship situations.
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Having friends is actually
really important to your emotional life, your feelings of well being,
general happiness, and even your physical and mental health. Women
especially benefit from having friendships with other women. That's why
(00:47):
today I'll be answering questions about women and friendship. First
some background, maintaining intimate connections to other women friends is
of considerable importance to most women. The frinch length of
a good female friendship is actually sixteen years longer than
many romantic relationships last. But it's also true that all
(01:10):
kinds of difficulties can arise in women's friendships, just as
they can in any relationship, and how you handle those difficulties.
How to evaluate when a friendship is healthy, when it
needs work, and when it's just not working anymore, can
be very tricky. Women's friendships most often begin out of
(01:32):
some similarity and lifestyle, common interests and values, and is
affected by educational and socioeconomic status and developmental time and life.
The women of completely different backgrounds can and do become friends.
More often there is a similarity and an intense understanding
(01:52):
of the other that creates and maintains the bond. Women
may often confide more of their intimate secrets and a
girlfriend than even a spouse. It is a woman's desire
and capacity for close emotional bonding via the sharing of
friendships that makes friendships so important and gratifying in her life.
(02:14):
After all, our mothers are our first love relationship, and
it lays the groundwork for future love of women. For
male friendships, it's usually based on shared activity, while for
female it is based on intimate emotional sharing. When young women,
we tend to have a large number of friends, while
(02:36):
when we're older there are fewer, but they are very
important for life satisfaction. Despite intense closeness, a friendship will
often break up due to change in life status like
divorce or having children, and physical distance may often ended too.
In contrast, men may see a friend every ten years
(02:58):
and still consider him a good friend. Some scientists believe
that social human relationships are so important they may actually
extend lifespan compared to those who stay more isolated, which
makes navigating the trials and tribulations the ups and downs
of those relationships even more important. So today I'm taking
(03:21):
two different questions I got about the challenges of female friendship.
So let's get to it and see how can I help.
Here's question one, Dear doctor Saultz, A friend asked me
to keep a secret from another close friend. I think
(03:43):
the second friend should know. What should I do? How
do I manage competing interests of people I care about?
Secret Keeping is exceedingly tricky territory when it comes to friendships.
On the one hand, secret keeping is the currency of
intimacy because having a secret you trust each other to
(04:04):
keep builds your trust, which in turn builds your closeness.
This is a good thing, but secret keeping is also
a potential burden because, as you are finding out now,
a secret that you feel can hurt someone creates guilt
and is a true emotional burden, which actually is not
(04:25):
good for mental health, causing anxiety and even depression. But
it also erodes your friendship because your friend has put
you in the position of potentially hurting another friend, and
this makes you feel appropriately guilty. Her motivation in doing
this could range from enjoying having this intimacy and close
(04:48):
trust with you, and her wish to unburden herself of
the secret she holds by sharing it with you and
trying to pull you closer to her and possibly somewhat
away from the other friend question, by creating an allegiance
with you that in a way is sort of a
betrayal of the other friend in question. You would not
(05:08):
be asking this question if it didn't bother you that
you feel keeping this secret is actually hurting the friend
you think needs to know. So there are a few
questions I pose back to you. What kind of friend
puts you in the burden position of harming another friend?
Perhaps one who doesn't realize what she's done, or one
(05:28):
who does not give your emotional state too much credence.
That's why it's important to go back to her to
find out. You can say you very much respect your
confidences with her, and you would never share a secret
that is hers really hers. But this secret is actually
(05:50):
not hers, It's about another friend, and by keeping it
you are put in the position of betraying your other friend.
Ask her to think this through with you, that you
don't want to harm your friends, just as you don't
want to harm her. This serves two purposes. Asking her
to stand in your shoes may help her see the
(06:12):
position she's put you in and help her to allow
you to help your other friend by telling her the
information and yet not betray your secret telling friend. It
may also let her know that you actually don't want
to hear secrets that harm other friends. This type of
secret is really gossip, and it hurts people. It's possible
(06:36):
you don't want to go back and tell her you
want to tell your other friend because you don't want
the secret teller to stop telling you secrets. But you
should understand that the friend who tells you harmful secrets
about someone else is quite likely to do the same
to you someday. So the other point of going back
to the secret teller is to change the dynamic of
(07:00):
her feeling that you are a good repository for harmful gossip,
and to let her know you hope she won't do
the same to you one day. In fact, generally speaking,
it's important to let a friend know before they tell
you a secret. Your feelings about secret keeping. Some people
(07:20):
feel no matter what, they will always tell their partner
a secret because they have no secrets from their partner.
If this is you, say so before a friend divulges
a secret to you. Otherwise secrets can interfere in your
primary relationship. Also, if you consider yourself to be a
poor secret keeper in general, like you've got loose lips,
(07:45):
say so before a secret is told. Because betraying a
secret told in confidence can be a friendship ender and
the hurt can be very great. How can I help
with Dr Gail Salts will be back after this short break.
(08:12):
Question two. Dear Doctor Saltz, A friend and I have
very different communications styles. I like to plan in advance
seeing each other, but they can be very flaky, which
leaves me feeling rejected, but also makes scheduling plans difficult.
How do I go about speaking to them about this?
(08:34):
I don't want to create conflict, but it is extremely frustrating.
All relationships have to be capable of withstanding some conflict
or they fade away. You can't see eyed eye on
absolutely everything in the world with a friend, and if
you can't address difficulties along the way, then you have
(08:54):
an extremely superficial relationship or none at all. It is
more than possible to say you are important to me.
I really value our friendship. So with that in mind,
I want to work out something that is really bothering
me when it comes to issues like lateness or refusing
to schedule till the last minute, or even last minute canceling.
(09:19):
The message to the person left waiting is my time
is more important than your time, or my feeling about
wanting to spend time with you is clearly less so
than you're wanting to spend time with me. Now, the
truth is this could very much not be the case.
It may be your friend is not a terribly well
(09:39):
organized person, was currently either overwhelmed or is generally not
able to stay organized when it comes to time management.
What would be important is to find out which coming
at her with angry accusations of purposely hurting you is
not the way to go, but rather saying, hey, when
(10:00):
I try to make plans with you, it seems like
you don't want to or can't make them with me
in advance. This is making me feel as though you
don't want to and that makes me feel rejected. But
maybe that's not what is happening here at all. Can
we talk about how you feel about making plans? Do
you make plans with other people in your life? Why
(10:23):
is it hard to make plans? I really enjoy our
friendship and doing things together, so I'd like to keep
making plans better for us. By revealing your feelings, you
build intimacy and hopefully find out what, if any, the
issue is, and therefore you have a chance to remedy it.
(10:43):
Saying nothing, you keep feeling rejected, which, over time will
make you stop wanting to be friends, because no one
wants to feel chronically rejected. If discussing this with her
causes her to not want to be friends, then this
was probably a very tenuous friendship to begin with, and
(11:04):
your energies would be better spent on another friend. Good
friendships make both people feel better about themselves, build each
other up, and work out problems. If your friend tells
you she does have difficulty planning in general and this
is how she does her life, ask her to make
a compromise by allowing you to lend your planning skills
(11:28):
in the service of the friendship. You understand she might
sometimes have to cancel, but By planning out a few
things for the two of you, you'd feel a whole
lot better about the mutual commitment to the friendship. You'll
also understand that the issue is hers and might feel
less pressured it's about you, which will make more last
(11:51):
minute plans feel better. I hope that was helpful. Here
are a few suggestions when it comes to making and
building female friendships. First, like yourself first, because you can
set out to have others like you. Consider what you
like about yourself and could offer to a friend, and
(12:14):
then use those assets, whether it be listening without judgment
or having a good sense of humor. Look for people
with similar interests. That means something like taking a class
like gardening, tennis dance, joining a church group or a
book club. Volunteering for a cause that matters to you
(12:35):
is a great way to meet like minded women. Extend
an invitation. If you wait for her to invite you
to lunch, you may lose the opportunity, So go ahead
and invite. If you get a lukewarm response, no harm
is done. Just move on. Confidentiality. The surest way to
(12:56):
lose a friend is betraying her by telling her secret
to another. Trust is paramount in a friendship, so remember
to keep her confidences. Don't judge. No one likes to
be judged. Be a good listener, and offer advice if
it's asked for, but really avoid being judgmental. It won't
(13:21):
help either of you. In fact, what builds intimacy is
building her up. Last, but not least, be honest. Even
though being judgmental can be a problem, it is still
important to be as honest as you can. This is
what builds real intimacy and trust, the foundation of a
(13:42):
lasting and meaningful friendship. Do you have a problem I
can help with? If so, email me at how can
I help? At Seneca Women dot Com. All senders remain
anonymous and listen every Friday too. How can I out
with me? Doctor Gail Salts
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Having friends is actually
really important to your emotional life, your feelings of well being,
general happiness, and even your physical and mental health. Women
especially benefit from having friendships with other women. That's why
(00:47):
today I'll be answering questions about women and friendship. First
some background, maintaining intimate connections to other women friends is
of considerable importance to most women. The frinch length of
a good female friendship is actually sixteen years longer than
many romantic relationships last. But it's also true that all
(01:10):
kinds of difficulties can arise in women's friendships, just as
they can in any relationship, and how you handle those difficulties.
How to evaluate when a friendship is healthy, when it
needs work, and when it's just not working anymore, can
be very tricky. Women's friendships most often begin out of
(01:32):
some similarity and lifestyle, common interests and values, and is
affected by educational and socioeconomic status and developmental time and life.
The women of completely different backgrounds can and do become friends.
More often there is a similarity and an intense understanding
(01:52):
of the other that creates and maintains the bond. Women
may often confide more of their intimate secrets and a
girlfriend than even a spouse. It is a woman's desire
and capacity for close emotional bonding via the sharing of
friendships that makes friendships so important and gratifying in her life.
(02:14):
After all, our mothers are our first love relationship, and
it lays the groundwork for future love of women. For
male friendships, it's usually based on shared activity, while for
female it is based on intimate emotional sharing. When young women,
we tend to have a large number of friends, while
(02:36):
when we're older there are fewer, but they are very
important for life satisfaction. Despite intense closeness, a friendship will
often break up due to change in life status like
divorce or having children, and physical distance may often ended too.
In contrast, men may see a friend every ten years
(02:58):
and still consider him a good friend. Some scientists believe
that social human relationships are so important they may actually
extend lifespan compared to those who stay more isolated, which
makes navigating the trials and tribulations the ups and downs
of those relationships even more important. So today I'm taking
(03:21):
two different questions I got about the challenges of female friendship.
So let's get to it and see how can I help.
Here's question one, Dear doctor Saultz, A friend asked me
to keep a secret from another close friend. I think
(03:43):
the second friend should know. What should I do? How
do I manage competing interests of people I care about?
Secret Keeping is exceedingly tricky territory when it comes to friendships.
On the one hand, secret keeping is the currency of
intimacy because having a secret you trust each other to
(04:04):
keep builds your trust, which in turn builds your closeness.
This is a good thing, but secret keeping is also
a potential burden because, as you are finding out now,
a secret that you feel can hurt someone creates guilt
and is a true emotional burden, which actually is not
(04:25):
good for mental health, causing anxiety and even depression. But
it also erodes your friendship because your friend has put
you in the position of potentially hurting another friend, and
this makes you feel appropriately guilty. Her motivation in doing
this could range from enjoying having this intimacy and close
(04:48):
trust with you, and her wish to unburden herself of
the secret she holds by sharing it with you and
trying to pull you closer to her and possibly somewhat
away from the other friend question, by creating an allegiance
with you that in a way is sort of a
betrayal of the other friend in question. You would not
(05:08):
be asking this question if it didn't bother you that
you feel keeping this secret is actually hurting the friend
you think needs to know. So there are a few
questions I pose back to you. What kind of friend
puts you in the burden position of harming another friend?
Perhaps one who doesn't realize what she's done, or one
(05:28):
who does not give your emotional state too much credence.
That's why it's important to go back to her to
find out. You can say you very much respect your
confidences with her, and you would never share a secret
that is hers really hers. But this secret is actually
(05:50):
not hers, It's about another friend, and by keeping it
you are put in the position of betraying your other friend.
Ask her to think this through with you, that you
don't want to harm your friends, just as you don't
want to harm her. This serves two purposes. Asking her
to stand in your shoes may help her see the
(06:12):
position she's put you in and help her to allow
you to help your other friend by telling her the
information and yet not betray your secret telling friend. It
may also let her know that you actually don't want
to hear secrets that harm other friends. This type of
secret is really gossip, and it hurts people. It's possible
(06:36):
you don't want to go back and tell her you
want to tell your other friend because you don't want
the secret teller to stop telling you secrets. But you
should understand that the friend who tells you harmful secrets
about someone else is quite likely to do the same
to you someday. So the other point of going back
to the secret teller is to change the dynamic of
(07:00):
her feeling that you are a good repository for harmful gossip,
and to let her know you hope she won't do
the same to you one day. In fact, generally speaking,
it's important to let a friend know before they tell
you a secret. Your feelings about secret keeping. Some people
(07:20):
feel no matter what, they will always tell their partner
a secret because they have no secrets from their partner.
If this is you, say so before a friend divulges
a secret to you. Otherwise secrets can interfere in your
primary relationship. Also, if you consider yourself to be a
poor secret keeper in general, like you've got loose lips,
(07:45):
say so before a secret is told. Because betraying a
secret told in confidence can be a friendship ender and
the hurt can be very great. How can I help
with Dr Gail Salts will be back after this short break.
(08:12):
Question two. Dear Doctor Saltz, A friend and I have
very different communications styles. I like to plan in advance
seeing each other, but they can be very flaky, which
leaves me feeling rejected, but also makes scheduling plans difficult.
How do I go about speaking to them about this?
(08:34):
I don't want to create conflict, but it is extremely frustrating.
All relationships have to be capable of withstanding some conflict
or they fade away. You can't see eyed eye on
absolutely everything in the world with a friend, and if
you can't address difficulties along the way, then you have
(08:54):
an extremely superficial relationship or none at all. It is
more than possible to say you are important to me.
I really value our friendship. So with that in mind,
I want to work out something that is really bothering
me when it comes to issues like lateness or refusing
to schedule till the last minute, or even last minute canceling.
(09:19):
The message to the person left waiting is my time
is more important than your time, or my feeling about
wanting to spend time with you is clearly less so
than you're wanting to spend time with me. Now, the
truth is this could very much not be the case.
It may be your friend is not a terribly well
(09:39):
organized person, was currently either overwhelmed or is generally not
able to stay organized when it comes to time management.
What would be important is to find out which coming
at her with angry accusations of purposely hurting you is
not the way to go, but rather saying, hey, when
(10:00):
I try to make plans with you, it seems like
you don't want to or can't make them with me
in advance. This is making me feel as though you
don't want to and that makes me feel rejected. But
maybe that's not what is happening here at all. Can
we talk about how you feel about making plans? Do
you make plans with other people in your life? Why
(10:23):
is it hard to make plans? I really enjoy our
friendship and doing things together, so I'd like to keep
making plans better for us. By revealing your feelings, you
build intimacy and hopefully find out what, if any, the
issue is, and therefore you have a chance to remedy it.
(10:43):
Saying nothing, you keep feeling rejected, which, over time will
make you stop wanting to be friends, because no one
wants to feel chronically rejected. If discussing this with her
causes her to not want to be friends, then this
was probably a very tenuous friendship to begin with, and
(11:04):
your energies would be better spent on another friend. Good
friendships make both people feel better about themselves, build each
other up, and work out problems. If your friend tells
you she does have difficulty planning in general and this
is how she does her life, ask her to make
a compromise by allowing you to lend your planning skills
(11:28):
in the service of the friendship. You understand she might
sometimes have to cancel, but By planning out a few
things for the two of you, you'd feel a whole
lot better about the mutual commitment to the friendship. You'll
also understand that the issue is hers and might feel
less pressured it's about you, which will make more last
(11:51):
minute plans feel better. I hope that was helpful. Here
are a few suggestions when it comes to making and
building female friendships. First, like yourself first, because you can
set out to have others like you. Consider what you
like about yourself and could offer to a friend, and
(12:14):
then use those assets, whether it be listening without judgment
or having a good sense of humor. Look for people
with similar interests. That means something like taking a class
like gardening, tennis dance, joining a church group or a
book club. Volunteering for a cause that matters to you
(12:35):
is a great way to meet like minded women. Extend
an invitation. If you wait for her to invite you
to lunch, you may lose the opportunity, So go ahead
and invite. If you get a lukewarm response, no harm
is done. Just move on. Confidentiality. The surest way to
(12:56):
lose a friend is betraying her by telling her secret
to another. Trust is paramount in a friendship, so remember
to keep her confidences. Don't judge. No one likes to
be judged. Be a good listener, and offer advice if
it's asked for, but really avoid being judgmental. It won't
(13:21):
help either of you. In fact, what builds intimacy is
building her up. Last, but not least, be honest. Even
though being judgmental can be a problem, it is still
important to be as honest as you can. This is
what builds real intimacy and trust, the foundation of a
(13:42):
lasting and meaningful friendship. Do you have a problem I
can help with? If so, email me at how can
I help? At Seneca Women dot Com. All senders remain
anonymous and listen every Friday too. How can I out
with me? Doctor Gail Salts
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.