January 21, 2022 • 14 mins
It’s a difficult subject—but one of the most important conversations you’ll ever have with your child. Dr. Saltz tells how to discuss the topic without alarming youngsters, and how to teach them to recognize the red flags that signal danger.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Over one million children
are victims of sexual abuse each year. One in every
four girls and one in every eight boys have been
sexually molested before the age of eighteen. These are incredibly
(00:47):
disturbing figures and point to the need for parents and
the community at large to do everything in their power
to prevent the victimization of children. Being sexually molested is
a traumatic experience that often follows a child into adulthood,
causing depression, anxiety, inability to have a healthy intimate relationship,
(01:12):
and can even lead to the victim becoming a perpetrator
of sexual abuse upon other children. Today's listener sent in
a question related to talking to their child about sexual
molestation and being safe. This subject is extremely difficult for
parents to discuss with their children for a number of reasons.
(01:36):
It requires the parent to be aware of, rather than
in denial of the possibility of such an awful thing
happening to their child. It also means dealing with your
own uncomfortable thoughts about sex and about violent sex. Your wish,
(01:56):
of course, is that your little one will never have
to know about such horrors, but the fact is by
never telling them how to protect themselves and why, you
are making it more likely that they will be a victim.
Often parents are able to deal with the discussion about strangers.
(02:16):
They can say don't talk to strangers or don't go
with a stranger. The facts are, however, that about nine
of sexual molestation is committed by a person known to
that child. They are not strangers. They are family members, teachers, coaches, babysitters,
(02:39):
religious instructors, and others who are in a position of knowing,
caring for, and being an authority figure for your child.
Pedophiles are often drawn to areas where they work with
children because they want to be around them. This is
(03:00):
the biggest reason it is crucial to educate your child
about the possibility, about the danger signs and the places
to turn to, and the necessity of trusting their own
judgment and you will help shape that judgment about sexual predators. So,
(03:21):
first of all, have a general discussion about inappropriate sexual contact.
Predators often work by making the child feel guilty for
what happened and threatening them with punishment and humiliation if
they tell. So make it clear that if your child
(03:41):
feels even the tiniest bit uncomfortable about any sort of
overture from someone, they should tell you, and you will
never be mad or blame them in any way. So
with that, let's get to my listener's question and ask
how can I help, dear doctor Saltz. My six year
(04:06):
old son is in first grade and I am not
ready to have any discussions about sex with him yet,
but I am wondering if I should talk to him
about sexual predators. I was touched inappropriately by some one
as a child, and it bothers me to this day,
and the idea of anyone doing that to my child
(04:31):
fills me with fear and rage. I mostly don't think
about what happened to me, but when I think about
protecting my son, I feel like it's hard to think
of how to talk to him without scaring him. But
I'm also scared not to talk to him, and imagine
that he could fall prey in the same way that
(04:53):
I did. How can I explain to him that there
are some bad people out there without making him afraid,
And how can I help him protect himself from a predator?
Even had you never had such a terrible experience as
a child, I would recommend that by age six you
(05:16):
did speak to your son about staying safe from sexual predators.
Clearly this can be a frightening topic, but it's really
all about the delivery, and it's about informing your child
what to do in a potentially dangerous situation, which is
something you no doubt do already regarding other topics, such
(05:38):
as if there were a fire, if they got lost,
memorizing your phone number, crossing the streets safely, all kinds
of things. This one just feels harder because it is
about something sexual, and because of what you know and
think about sexual content, and especially criminal abhorrent sexual material,
(06:03):
that colors your view of talking to a young child.
But for a six year old, they don't have the
same thoughts or notions about sexual material and it won't
strike them in the same way it strikes you. On
top of that, for you, specifically, the content is imbued
(06:26):
with a trauma, something that understandably upsets you, and therefore
you fear in some way traumatizing and transmitting that to
your child. But again, something your child does not and
will not experience in the same way unless you talk
(06:48):
to them about the actual experience in an alarming and
distressed manner that makes them feel afraid too. How can
I help with? Dr Gail Salts will be back after
this short break, so to continue about educating your son
(07:16):
about sexual predators, I would recommend being as matter of
fact as you can and explain that no one, absolutely
no one, including people of authority like a teacher or coach,
or a family member, a friend or older child or
parent of another child, or a stranger of any age,
(07:39):
should ever touch them in any private area. Then define
those private areas, and they should not touch anyone else
in a private area themselves, even if they are requested
to do so. They should not go somewhere private with
a person who asks, and they should not do anything
(08:01):
that feels uncomfortable to them in any way. That if
anyone ever tried to do these things, that they should
come tell you or another adult they trust, and if
that person threatens them with harming them or their family.
They should know this is a lie and it's meant
(08:22):
to keep them from telling, and that you will always
be able to protect them and protect yourselves, and that
they should tell you. Think of this more as a
safety talk than a sexual talk. Try to sound even
in tone. This is important but not terrifying. If your
(08:45):
past trauma makes it difficult for you to maintain composure
and have this talk, then it may really be helpful
for you to have a few therapy sessions yourself to
discuss your past trauma, to work through any unresolved feelings
about it, and to become more comfortable being able to
discuss your feelings and process this past hurt. After doing this,
(09:11):
you can plan to have the discussion with your child
at this young age, you don't need to share your
own trauma with your child, something you may choose to
do when they are a little older, and it's better
to separate the overall informational talk from your personally emotionally
(09:31):
difficult experience. This will not only help you, but it
will help your child and being able to know the
information they need to best take care of themselves. I
hope that was helpful when it comes to talking with
any child about their bodies and about sexual predators. Here
(09:56):
are a few general rules you what I call the
bathing suit rule. Explain that no one should ever be
touching them any place that a bathing suit normally covers,
with a check up by the pediatrician perhaps being the
one exception. If anyone does, they should know to tell
(10:19):
you right away. Remind them that you would never be mad,
but that this behavior is something children need help with
and protection from. Next, explain to them that in this
instance they should be impolite. We all work hard to
(10:40):
have our kids respect their elders and to be polite,
to respect authority. But you need to tell them that
you would rather they be totally rude to a hundred
people than ever risk going along with someone who might
hurt them or make them very uncomfortable. So for a stance,
(11:01):
if an adult asks them for help, they should say no,
because sometimes this is the ploy an adult uses. If
an adult needs help, like help my car needs help,
or help I can't find my dog, they should ask
another adult. They should say no to money, two gifts,
(11:25):
two rides, to taking photographs, and two requests for a
special secret. Then they should tell you about it. Go
over safety procedures. Go over what to do if someone
tries to grab them, for example, scream loudly this is
not my parent, and make a ton of noise. Explain
(11:49):
that some can be scared off by too much attention.
Choose with them a safe place to run to in
various areas, like a store a certain store. Tell them
if they lose you in a public place to go
straight to the checkout of central information desk rather than
wandering looking for you, because they could get spotted alone
(12:15):
and be grabbed. Never let them go to public restrooms
alone for young children, and also don't let them in
arcades alone. These are the kinds of places a pedophile
may scope out. Tell them, most importantly, to trust their gut.
(12:35):
This will serve them well in life in general. Probably
the most important is to tell them to trust any
yucky feeling they have inside that tells them they are
in a bad situation. They should feel empowered to always
get out of it. They should feel they can come
(12:56):
to you or your spouse, or a teacher or a
counselor with anything that concerns them. It can be awful
to hear from your child that some uncle or cousin,
teacher or priest has touched them, but you must take
them seriously, be completely concerned, and keep them from feeling
(13:18):
it is in any way their fault. Sometimes it is
so upsetting that we want to say, no, you must
be making it up, But it is far more important
to find out what did happen, And even if the
accusation was not true, remember that any child who makes
such a claim is certainly having an emotional problem that
(13:42):
needs your attention. Do you have a problem I can
help with? If so, email me yet? How can I help?
At Seneca women dot Com, all centers remain anonymous and
listen every Friday too. How can I help with me?
Doctor Gail Saultz
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to How Can I Help? I'm Dr
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:27):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Over one million children
are victims of sexual abuse each year. One in every
four girls and one in every eight boys have been
sexually molested before the age of eighteen. These are incredibly
(00:47):
disturbing figures and point to the need for parents and
the community at large to do everything in their power
to prevent the victimization of children. Being sexually molested is
a traumatic experience that often follows a child into adulthood,
causing depression, anxiety, inability to have a healthy intimate relationship,
(01:12):
and can even lead to the victim becoming a perpetrator
of sexual abuse upon other children. Today's listener sent in
a question related to talking to their child about sexual
molestation and being safe. This subject is extremely difficult for
parents to discuss with their children for a number of reasons.
(01:36):
It requires the parent to be aware of, rather than
in denial of the possibility of such an awful thing
happening to their child. It also means dealing with your
own uncomfortable thoughts about sex and about violent sex. Your wish,
(01:56):
of course, is that your little one will never have
to know about such horrors, but the fact is by
never telling them how to protect themselves and why, you
are making it more likely that they will be a victim.
Often parents are able to deal with the discussion about strangers.
(02:16):
They can say don't talk to strangers or don't go
with a stranger. The facts are, however, that about nine
of sexual molestation is committed by a person known to
that child. They are not strangers. They are family members, teachers, coaches, babysitters,
(02:39):
religious instructors, and others who are in a position of knowing,
caring for, and being an authority figure for your child.
Pedophiles are often drawn to areas where they work with
children because they want to be around them. This is
(03:00):
the biggest reason it is crucial to educate your child
about the possibility, about the danger signs and the places
to turn to, and the necessity of trusting their own
judgment and you will help shape that judgment about sexual predators. So,
(03:21):
first of all, have a general discussion about inappropriate sexual contact.
Predators often work by making the child feel guilty for
what happened and threatening them with punishment and humiliation if
they tell. So make it clear that if your child
(03:41):
feels even the tiniest bit uncomfortable about any sort of
overture from someone, they should tell you, and you will
never be mad or blame them in any way. So
with that, let's get to my listener's question and ask
how can I help, dear doctor Saltz. My six year
(04:06):
old son is in first grade and I am not
ready to have any discussions about sex with him yet,
but I am wondering if I should talk to him
about sexual predators. I was touched inappropriately by some one
as a child, and it bothers me to this day,
and the idea of anyone doing that to my child
(04:31):
fills me with fear and rage. I mostly don't think
about what happened to me, but when I think about
protecting my son, I feel like it's hard to think
of how to talk to him without scaring him. But
I'm also scared not to talk to him, and imagine
that he could fall prey in the same way that
(04:53):
I did. How can I explain to him that there
are some bad people out there without making him afraid,
And how can I help him protect himself from a predator?
Even had you never had such a terrible experience as
a child, I would recommend that by age six you
(05:16):
did speak to your son about staying safe from sexual predators.
Clearly this can be a frightening topic, but it's really
all about the delivery, and it's about informing your child
what to do in a potentially dangerous situation, which is
something you no doubt do already regarding other topics, such
(05:38):
as if there were a fire, if they got lost,
memorizing your phone number, crossing the streets safely, all kinds
of things. This one just feels harder because it is
about something sexual, and because of what you know and
think about sexual content, and especially criminal abhorrent sexual material,
(06:03):
that colors your view of talking to a young child.
But for a six year old, they don't have the
same thoughts or notions about sexual material and it won't
strike them in the same way it strikes you. On
top of that, for you, specifically, the content is imbued
(06:26):
with a trauma, something that understandably upsets you, and therefore
you fear in some way traumatizing and transmitting that to
your child. But again, something your child does not and
will not experience in the same way unless you talk
(06:48):
to them about the actual experience in an alarming and
distressed manner that makes them feel afraid too. How can
I help with? Dr Gail Salts will be back after
this short break, so to continue about educating your son
(07:16):
about sexual predators, I would recommend being as matter of
fact as you can and explain that no one, absolutely
no one, including people of authority like a teacher or coach,
or a family member, a friend or older child or
parent of another child, or a stranger of any age,
(07:39):
should ever touch them in any private area. Then define
those private areas, and they should not touch anyone else
in a private area themselves, even if they are requested
to do so. They should not go somewhere private with
a person who asks, and they should not do anything
(08:01):
that feels uncomfortable to them in any way. That if
anyone ever tried to do these things, that they should
come tell you or another adult they trust, and if
that person threatens them with harming them or their family.
They should know this is a lie and it's meant
(08:22):
to keep them from telling, and that you will always
be able to protect them and protect yourselves, and that
they should tell you. Think of this more as a
safety talk than a sexual talk. Try to sound even
in tone. This is important but not terrifying. If your
(08:45):
past trauma makes it difficult for you to maintain composure
and have this talk, then it may really be helpful
for you to have a few therapy sessions yourself to
discuss your past trauma, to work through any unresolved feelings
about it, and to become more comfortable being able to
discuss your feelings and process this past hurt. After doing this,
(09:11):
you can plan to have the discussion with your child
at this young age, you don't need to share your
own trauma with your child, something you may choose to
do when they are a little older, and it's better
to separate the overall informational talk from your personally emotionally
(09:31):
difficult experience. This will not only help you, but it
will help your child and being able to know the
information they need to best take care of themselves. I
hope that was helpful when it comes to talking with
any child about their bodies and about sexual predators. Here
(09:56):
are a few general rules you what I call the
bathing suit rule. Explain that no one should ever be
touching them any place that a bathing suit normally covers,
with a check up by the pediatrician perhaps being the
one exception. If anyone does, they should know to tell
(10:19):
you right away. Remind them that you would never be mad,
but that this behavior is something children need help with
and protection from. Next, explain to them that in this
instance they should be impolite. We all work hard to
(10:40):
have our kids respect their elders and to be polite,
to respect authority. But you need to tell them that
you would rather they be totally rude to a hundred
people than ever risk going along with someone who might
hurt them or make them very uncomfortable. So for a stance,
(11:01):
if an adult asks them for help, they should say no,
because sometimes this is the ploy an adult uses. If
an adult needs help, like help my car needs help,
or help I can't find my dog, they should ask
another adult. They should say no to money, two gifts,
(11:25):
two rides, to taking photographs, and two requests for a
special secret. Then they should tell you about it. Go
over safety procedures. Go over what to do if someone
tries to grab them, for example, scream loudly this is
not my parent, and make a ton of noise. Explain
(11:49):
that some can be scared off by too much attention.
Choose with them a safe place to run to in
various areas, like a store a certain store. Tell them
if they lose you in a public place to go
straight to the checkout of central information desk rather than
wandering looking for you, because they could get spotted alone
(12:15):
and be grabbed. Never let them go to public restrooms
alone for young children, and also don't let them in
arcades alone. These are the kinds of places a pedophile
may scope out. Tell them, most importantly, to trust their gut.
(12:35):
This will serve them well in life in general. Probably
the most important is to tell them to trust any
yucky feeling they have inside that tells them they are
in a bad situation. They should feel empowered to always
get out of it. They should feel they can come
(12:56):
to you or your spouse, or a teacher or a
counselor with anything that concerns them. It can be awful
to hear from your child that some uncle or cousin,
teacher or priest has touched them, but you must take
them seriously, be completely concerned, and keep them from feeling
(13:18):
it is in any way their fault. Sometimes it is
so upsetting that we want to say, no, you must
be making it up, But it is far more important
to find out what did happen, And even if the
accusation was not true, remember that any child who makes
such a claim is certainly having an emotional problem that
(13:42):
needs your attention. Do you have a problem I can
help with? If so, email me yet? How can I help?
At Seneca women dot Com, all centers remain anonymous and
listen every Friday too. How can I help with me?
Doctor Gail Saultz
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