Let’s Drop the Talk About “Boundaries” and Other Jargon

If you really want to communicate, forget “therapy speak” and avoid terms like “toxic” and “gaslighting.” Use honesty, empathy—and your own words.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,

(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. Selfishness is as old
as time, but methods of justifying it continue to evolve
with the times. Today, I am answering a listener's question
about the use of therapy speak or jargon to defend

(00:50):
your point of view. Newer in the how to relate
with each other's space is the commercialized absorption of jargon
therapy speak to defend against anyone questioning what is possibly
a self serving behavior. If you've had a friend say
after you asked, is everything okay between us? Because I

(01:13):
feel like you've been more distant a response of I
have realized that for my health and well being, I
need to set a boundary and remove myself from what
I perceive as toxicity in the relationship. And then you go, what, Yes,

(01:33):
it's distancing. It's hard to reply to It can be
hurtful and frankly, it leaves no room for a discussion
of what the problem might be and how you might
help repair the issue. Another technique of therapy speak is
jargonistic pathologizing, saying things like you are a narcissist, you

(01:57):
are toxic, you are a gaslight. Often enough, these ideas
and the jargon itself comes from social media therapy, something
the person probably partook of aimed to be helpful, but
given in some social media shorthand form that not only

(02:20):
isn't helpful, it can be used as a form of weaponization.
Relationship management can't be boiled down to therapy language, akin
to a fashion tip or a makeup tip list. So
when you talk with someone in your life, a friend,
a partner, a family member, first use real feelings, not

(02:47):
vague turns of phrase which distance you know your own feelings,
but also try to imagine and understand how you would
feel if you were the other person hearing what you're saying.
Extreme therapy speak is a defense mechanism to avoid discomfort, messiness,

(03:10):
feeling ashamed or guilty, but real relating includes all these
things at times. The I'm not canceling on you last minute,
I'm setting boundaries, or the I'm not ghosting you, I'm
assessing my capacity for you. Is bound to leave the

(03:30):
other person confused and hurt and do nothing to make
your relationship better. It's basically a form of self justification. Yes,
it is important to know and have some boundaries, but
that's not the same as doing and saying whatever feels

(03:52):
best for me at any given moment. And I will
call it boundaries. And sometimes relationship do need to end,
but really only after you've actually tried to first communicate
with real communication, to work things out, to listen to
the other person, to be empathetic, and to make an effort.

(04:17):
And if you must end it, at least have the
decency to do what you hope someone would do for you,
to be kind, empathetic and real, not couching it in
distancing and self righteous jargon. Why has a whole generation
started using therapy jargon to manage relationship conversations? They have

(04:40):
difficulties standing in the other person's shoes because doing so
feels bad. It's more comfortable considering only your own feelings,
avoiding conflict, avoiding anxiety and discomfort. Because we undervalue the
relationship in our lives. If I could tell you all

(05:03):
one thing, it's that real and trusted and intimate and
long term relationships are the number one source of happiness
in our lives, and they require hard work to build
trust intimacy, and they take time and effort. So really

(05:25):
doing something like this, I would say, you know, don't
blow it. So with that, let's get to my listener's
question and ask how can I help, dear doctor Songs.
I have a long term girlfriend who has seemed increasingly distant.

(05:46):
I have not been clear about what is happening or why.
For a while. It has seemed like she has just
been super busy and not had the time to get together,
or so she kept telling me. But the other I
called her and asked if there is anything wrong or
going on, because it seems like she cannot make or

(06:07):
keep any times to get together with me. In response,
she said, I don't feel I have room in my
life at this time to accommodate this relationship. I wish
you the best going forward, but I have to set
this boundary for myself at this time. I was stunned

(06:27):
and basically didn't even have an answer to that. I
felt like I was meeting with a human resources person
and then she said goodbye. I am so incredibly hurt.
I'm also totally confused, as I don't have any idea
what happened. I feel like I was hit by a truck,

(06:48):
and I don't know how to go back to her
to understand what happened and possibly salvage this friendship back
in a moment with an answer for my listener's question,

(07:10):
welcome back. Let's get to my listener's question and see
how can I help. No matter the circumstances, it is
exceedingly painful when a long term friend rejects you outright,
cutting off the relationship and the history you shared together.
You do say you feel mystified, And it is entirely

(07:34):
possible this friend did not communicate in any way what
the issue was, possibly even because the issue resided entirely
in her There may have been something going on in
her life and in her mind that she did not
share with you that is now making her want to
step away from the friendship. But it's also possible that

(07:58):
something was going on for her that might have been noticeable,
and that she wanted you to initially respond in a
different way than you did. Rather than try to talk
to you about it, she became angry and just stepped away.
You don't know is the reality, and it's possible you

(08:19):
won't know, But really, the first order of business for
you is do you still want this friendship? A friend
who is willing to cut you off with zero explanation
might not be a friend you really want to keep.
On the other hand, very long friendships are numbered. They

(08:42):
hold a special place in that you once shared a
period of time in your life and they shared it
with you that was filled with experiences and memories that
are to some degree irreplaceable. This is why we often
do go out of our way emotionally to work out

(09:02):
and stay in long term friendships. So spend a little
time in your own mind to determine if you want
to and are willing to do what It likely would
take some unpleasant emotional work in hopes of uncovering what
exactly did go on here and if repair is possible

(09:25):
given she doesn't seem to want to give you the
opportunity to hear from her directly, possibly because she emotionally
can't tolerate being forthright about what's gone on in her mind,
because she feels perhaps embarrassed, uncomfortable, doesn't want to see
your emotional reaction. Consider writing to her by snail mail

(09:49):
or by email. Carefully, think about and craft your note.
Make sure it doesn't start with or even end with accusations,
even if you feel them, because they will just create
the same defenses and human resources stance on her part.

(10:12):
Rather say how you feel, as in you feel she's
been an important friend, she holds a special place in
your heart. You've shared many things you certainly haven't meant
to hurt her or do something that would harm the friendship.
You don't know what you might have done or not
done that made the friendship feel not worth continuing, and

(10:33):
you would like to understand and if she is willing
that together, thinking about ways to turn back the clock
to a time when you both found the friendship mutually supported.
Sometimes having time to sit with a note, rather than
being required to have an impulsive reaction, allows the other

(10:54):
person to reflect, remember those same positive times in the
past that you you make reference to confess any hurt
that they may have felt. It might even take a
while for them to respond, so don't expect something right away.
Make sure you use real words, and real feelings. Avoid

(11:18):
using anything that is therapeutic jargon, as unfortunately she has,
because it really does just create distance and even hurt.
You might conclude by saying that, actually, other than her
saying she wants to end the friendship, you were unable
to understand anything about what emotionally is going on, what

(11:41):
is not working for her, why she can't tell you,
why she can no longer be a friend, and that
whatever happens going forward, it would help you to understand
what happened in her mind. Assure her your interest is
in listening. She is loath to re engage if she

(12:02):
believes she will be attacked, and if she does agree
to discuss it with you, make sure you do listen.
You do make a point to understand, and if there
is room for it after listening, to tell her how
you feel that you'd like to try to keep the
friendship with changes that perhaps she needs and you are

(12:25):
amenable to. If ultimately she will not agree to further contact,
you may get more of an understanding and sense of
closure from any sort of reply. I hope that was
helpful when you are struggling in a friendship or just
don't want to dedicate as much time to a particular friendship.

(12:48):
How do you prioritize yourself without being self centered or
unkind by holding in your mind both your own needs
at the same time you empathize with someone else's needs
and feelings. It's good to know your own needs, it's
good to know your own wishes and limits, But to

(13:12):
only have concern about those and to discard anyone else's
really precludes having relationships. To actually have a relationship means
some give and take, compromise mutual empathy. You can say
I would like I would prefer it would help me

(13:34):
if but to listen to the other then and acknowledge
their feelings as well. And how do you approach conversations
with friends about boundaries without using stale phrases like I
am a capacity? Try to avoid words that distance you,
that make you sound like a human resources provider. You

(13:58):
can say I feel, for example, overwhelmed right now, like
I'm very stressed and squeezed for time, like I have
too much emotionally on my plate. Basically, pick your own
words for I'm drowning and I can't do that right now,
But at I care about how you feel, and I'm
listening to how you feel, even if I can't do

(14:20):
as much about that right now. And how do you
relate to friends when you really do have to reschedule
plans or take a night in without being hurtful? There
is nothing wrong with saying I'm emotionally exhausted right now,
I just need a knight to do and say nothing,
but I do want to be with you. Can we

(14:41):
pick another night perhaps right now? It's really letting your
friend know that this is about you and not about
your friendship with them, and therefore making another plan. But
also if you keep canceling on a friend because actually
you want to do something else instead, or that friend

(15:03):
is really always at the bottom of your priority list,
then own what you are doing and think about being
kinder to that friend if you indeed want to have
the friendship. Approaching having boundaries with family members is not
very different, except that many people expect to not have

(15:25):
to maintain family relationships because your family no matter what,
so they often both behave more poorly and at the
same time feel more angry because they feel permanently trapped
by the family bond. These relationships need the same real
talk about real feelings, the same empathy and not using

(15:48):
jargon from a therapy TikTok to distance you or create
a wall or self justified, instead saying I can't do
or be all the things you're asking of me. I
can do some. I love you, and I'm thinking of
what you want too, and I'm balancing it with what
I want, and here is what I want. Sometimes a

(16:11):
relationship really does need to end. Any relationship that involves
repeated abuse sexual, physical, or emotional, and a relationship that
chronically makes you feel bad about yourself, uncared for at
all that this other person has made clear they do
not want the best for you, or even good things

(16:34):
for you. In extreme cases like this, you may need
to end the relationship. Do you have a problem I
can help with? If so, email me at how can
I Help at senecawomen dot com. All centers remain anonymous
and listen every Friday to how can I help with Me?

(16:57):
Doctor Gale's Salts